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LANGUAGE OF LASTING
RELATIONSHIP
THE LOVE LANGUAGES
-- Either we fall in love and marry or marryand then fall in love.
-- Average span of romantic obsession istwo years.
Dr. Dorothy Tenor, Psychologist
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-- Eventually, however, we alldescend from the clouds andsee the warts of the other
person.
-- Dr. M. Scott Peck, Psychiatrist &
Dr. Tenor have concluded that thein love experience should not be
called love at all; Reasons
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i. Falling in love is not an act of will orconscious choice. No matter how much
we may fall in love, we cannot make ithappen.
ii. Fall in love is not real love because it is
effortless. What we do in love staterequires little discipline or conscious efforton our part.
iii. One who is in love is not genuinelyinterested in fostering the personal growthof the other person.
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Success rate of marriages in USA
40% of the 1st marriages, 60% secondmarriages and 75% of the 3rd marriages endin divorce.
What is the solution then
Pursue real love with your spouse though emotional in nature but notobsessional. It is a love that unites,
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reason & emotion & hence an important
aspect of EQ fostering lasting relationship.
It involves our act of will and requiresdiscipline. Our basic emotional need is not
to fall in love but to be genuinely loved byanother, to know a love that grows out ofreason and choice, not instinct. That kind of
love requires effort and discipline. In fact,true love cannot begin until the in loveexperience has run its course.
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1. Words of Affirmation:
- I can live for two months on a goodcompliment.
- Mark Twain
- The object of love is not getting somethingyou want but doing something for the wellbeing of the one you love. When we
receive affirming words we are motivatedto reciprocate and do something ourspouse desires.
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- Encouraging Words Encourage InspireCourage.
- Lifes deepest meaning is not found inaccomplishments but in relationships.
- Encouragement requires empathy andseeing the world from your spouses
perspective. We must first learn what isimportant to our spouse.
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- What holds us back is often courage. Aloving spouse can supply that all important
catalyst.
- Kind Words. Love is kind.
- I love you. I love you? The question markchanges the meaning.
- A soft answer turns away anger An ancient sage.
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- Love doesnt keep a score ofwrongs.
- Love doesnt bring-up past failures.
- Forgiveness is the way of love.
- I am amazed by how manyindividuals mess-up every new day
with yesterday Dr. Chapman.
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-- If we are to develop an intimate relationshipwe need to know each others desires. If we
wish to love each other, we need to knowwhat the other person wants.
-- Forgiveness is not a feeling it is acommitment.
-- Together we will go on from here.
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Humble Words:
Love makes requests, not
demands.
When I demand things from myspouse, I become a parent and she
is the child. In marriage we areequal adult partners.
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-- When you are given public honour forone of your accomplishments be sure
to share the credit with your spouse.-- The key is to express verbal
appreciation for the things you like
about the other person and for themoment suspending yourcomplaints about the things you do
not like.-- The love language of one person is
not necessarily the love language of
another.
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2. Quality Time:
Giving someone your undivided attention
(not watching TV together)
-- Looking at each other and talking (20minutes of life). It is powerful
emotional communication of love.
-- Taking a walk just two of you.
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A central aspect of quality time istogetherness;
- I want her to be happy, and I want toenjoy life with her and the children.
- Togetherness has to do with
focussed attention.- Father rolling the ball to the 2 year old.
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- Our spending time together in acommon pursuit communicatethat we care about each other,that we enjoy being with each
other, that we like to do thingstogether.
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Quality Conversation:
Where two individuals are sharing
their experiences, thoughts,
feelings, and desires in a friendly,uninterrupted context.
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-- Many of us .. Are trained toanalyse problems and create solutions.
We forget that marriage is arelationship, not a project to becompleted or a problem to solve.
i) Maintain eye contact when your
spouse is talking indicates fullattention.
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ii. Do not listen to your spouse anddo something else at the same
time undivided attention.
iii. Listen for feelings what emotion
my spouse is experiencing? Itsounds to me like you are feelingdisappointed because I forgot . . .
. . . . . . . . .
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-- gives you chance to clarify yourfeelings and communicates that
you are listening intently.
iv. Observe body languageclenched fists, trembling hands,tears, furrowed brows and eye
movement gives the clue what theother is feeling.
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v. Refuse to interrupt Recentresearch indicates that the average
individual listens for only seventeenseconds before interrupting and
interjecting his own ideas.
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Learning to Talk:
I wish my husband would talk. I
never know what he is thinking or
feeling she is pleading forintimacy, she wants to feel close toher husband.
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- In each of lifes events, we haveemotions, thoughts, desires and
eventually actions. It is theexperience of that process that we
call self-revelation. If you chooseto learn the love dialect of qualityconversation, that is the learning
road you must follow.
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Personality Types
Dead Sea Babbling Brook
- Many times a Dead Sea marries a
Babbling brook. That happens
because when they are dating, it isa very attractive match.
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Our way to learn new patterns is toestablish a daily sharing time in
which each of you will talk aboutthree things that happened to you
that day and how you feel aboutthem.
-- This is the daily minimumrequirement for a healthy marriage.
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Quality Activities:
I feel most loved by my husband / wife
when ________, we do things together,
we talk more. It sort of feels like weare dating again or starting our life. Inlove language of Quality Time the
emphasis is on being together doingthings together, giving each otherundivided attention.
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He cares about me. He was willing to dosomething with me that I enjoy and he did it
with a positive attitude that is love and it isloves loudest voice.
One of the by-products of quality activities isthat they provide a MEMORY BANK fromwhich to draw in the years ahead. They arememories of love. The essential ingredientsin a quality activity are -
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i. At least one of you want to do it
ii. The other is willing to do it.
iii. Both of you know why you are
doing it to express love by being
together.
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3. Receiving Gifts:
If your spouses primary love
language is receiving gifts, you can
become a proficient gift giver. Infact, it is one of the easiest lovelanguages to learn.
Gift & M
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Gifts & Money:
- If you are to become an effective gift
giver you may have to change yourattitude about money.
- If you are a spender, you will havelittle difficulty purchasing gifts for your
spouse. But, if you are a saver, you
will experience emotional resistanceto the idea of spending money as an
expression of love.
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- By saving and investing money you arepurchasing self worth and emotional
security. What you are not doing ismeeting the emotional needs of yourspouse.
- If you discover that your spouses lovelanguage is receiving gifts thanpurchasing gifts for her/him is the least
investment you can make.
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- When both persons emotionalneeds are met, your marriage will
take on a whole new dimension.
- Dont worry about your savings.You will be a saver, but to invest inloving your spouse is to invest in
blue chip stocks.
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The Gift of Self Physical presence in thetime of crisis is the most powerful gift you
can give if your spouses primary lovelanguage is receiving gifts.
Gifts need not be expensive nor must theybe weekly. But for some individuals, theirworth has nothing to do with monetary valueand everything to do with love.
Unless it is greatly out of line with what you
can afford.
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4. Acts of Service:
- Doing things you know your
spouse would like you to do to
express your love for her by doing
things for her.- They require thought, planning,
time, effort and energy and if done
with a positive spirit they areindeed expression of love.
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- Serve one another in love ApostlePaul
- Requests give direction to love, butdemands stop the flow of love.
- Love is always freely given. Lovecannot be demanded.
- What we do for each other before
marriage is not indication of what wewill do after marriage.
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-- Before marriage, we are carriedalong by the force of the in love
obsession. After marriage ouractions are influenced by our
parents, our personality, ourperception of love, our emotions,needs and desires it will not be
the same behaviour when we werein love.
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- Criticism and demands tend to drivewedges.
- People tend to criticize their spousemost loudly in the area where theythemselves have the deepest
emotional needs.
- Due to sociological changes there is nolonger a common stereotype of the
male and female role in society.
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- Overcoming stereotypes Before thedays of television a persons idea of
what a husband and wife should do orthe way they should relate was guidedby ones parents. Now guided by
forces outside the home.
- What can I do to help you this evening?
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5. Physical Touch:
- Physical touch can make or break a
relationship. It can communicate hate
or love.
- The body is for touching.
- If your spouses primary love language
is physical touch, nothing is moreimportant than holding her as she cries.
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- Babies who are held, hugged and kisseddevelop a healthier emotional life than those
who are left for long periods of time withoutphysical contact.
- Physical touch is also a powerful vehicle for
communicating marital love. Holding hands,kissing, embracing, etc. etc., are all ways ofcommunicating emotional love to ones
spouse. For some individuals, physical
touch is their primary love language.Without it they feel unloved.
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- Old timers used to say, the way to amans heart is through his stomach
many a man has been made to gainweight by women who believe thisphilosophy.
- Dr. Chapman, my wife is a gourmetcook. She spends hours in the kitchen.I told her she is wasting her time. I like
simple food. She gets hurt and tells Idont appreciate her.
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- In marriage, the touch of love maytake many forms. Since touch
receptors are located through outthe body, lovingly touching your
spouse almost anywhere can be anexpression of love.
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Discovering your Primary LoveLanguage:
Most problems in marriage relate tomeeting emotional needs of beingloved, admired and appreciated.
What have I most often requested of myspouse?
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iii. In what way do you regularly express loveto your spouse.
Also write down what you think is the primarylove language of your spouse. You may
also list the other 4 in order of importance, ifyou wish sit down with your spouse anddiscuss what you guessed to be his/herprimary love language. Then tell each otherwhat you consider to be your primary lovelanguage.
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Once you have shared that
information, you may consider to
play the following game three times
a week for three weeks.
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The game is called TANK CHECK
On a scale of 0 to 10 how is your love
tank this evening when you come
home.
I am full of love and cannot handle
anymore.Or your spouse says what could I do to
fill it.
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Then you make a suggestionsomething you would like your spouse
to do or say that evening, to the best ofhis ability, he will respond to yourrequest. Then you repeat the process
in the reverse order.
If you play the game for three weeks, you
will be hooked on it.
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Listen carefully the love you feelwhen your wife expresses love by
physical touch is the same loveyour wife feels when you do the
laundry or go to the market to buyvegetables.
O S C O C
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LOVE IS A CHOICE
How can we speak each others Love
Language when we are full of hurt,
anger and resentments over past
failures?Marriages are rescued from the brink
of divorce when couples make the
choice to love.
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Love doesnt erase the past. But it makes the
future different.
Meeting my wifes need for love
is a choice I make each day. If I know
her primary love language and choose tospeak it
her deepest emotional needs will be met and
she will be secure in my love
L M k th Diff
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Love Makes the Difference:
- Love is not our only emotional needs.Psychologists have observed that amongour basic needs are the need for security,
self worth and significance. Love however,interfaces with all those.
- If I feel loved by my spouse, I can relax. I
feel secure in his/her presence.
Aft ll if h / h l I t b th
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- After all if he/she loves me, I must be worthloving. His/her love builds my self-esteem.
- If someone loves me, I must havesignificance.
- I am significant. Life has meaning. Whenmy spouse lovingly invests time, energy and
effort in me, I believe that I am significant.
I th t t f i if d t f l
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In the context of marriage, if we do not feelloved our differences are magnified. We
come to view each other as a threat tohappiness. We fight for self-worth andsignificance and marriage becomes abattlefield rather than a heaven.
Can emotional love be learnt in a marriage?You bet the key is to learn the primary lovelanguage of your spouse and choose to
speak it.
This is the path to eternal bliss.