- 1. Reproduced with the permission of choice Magazine,
www.choice-online.com& Reproduced with the permission of choice
Magazine, www.choice-online.com TruthA h, relationshipsthey are the
basis of all thesocial contacts of our livesfrom family and Within
families, Kristin Grant examines theeffect of a new baby on a
marriage, and Lisa G.friends to colleagues and co-workersfrom
Kramer looks at how couples can use conflict asmere acquaintances
to intimate partners. In an opportunity for growth .this issue we
direct the spotlight onAnd, Marianne Weidlein shares a
reflectiveRelationship Coaching and examine how exercise that can
help to understand andit impacts both coach and client. improve
relationships of any type. Kat Kehres Knecht looks at coaching
businessWe hope this issue gives you some freshrelationships and
the impact of positive humanperspectives and new tools to help you
coachconnections on the bottom line. relationships. Understanding
the languages of love is thetopic of Susan T. Howsons commentary on
how The Editorsfamily members ask for love.
2. COVER Reproduced with the permission of choice Magazine,
www.choice-online.com Reproduced with the permission of choice
Magazine, www.choice-online.com STORY TrustRelationships along
lifes journeyRelationship Coaching: Not Just for Loversrelationship
creates the workplace culture and is experi-enced by employees,
customers and suppliers.By Kat Kehres Knecht, PCCT HE PROMISE OF R
ELATIONSHIP C OACHINGOnce solely the domain of those in search of
loveToo often businesses focus only on products, operations,or
navigating the emotional waters of lovemarketing and sales.
Relationships remain the invisiblegone sour, Relationship Coaching
is transform-elephant in the room, even though they are at the
hearting the workplace and catching fire in the business of what
makes a good company great.world. And the fire is burning fast.
This invisibility factor leads to most corporate dys- This isnt a
surprise to me, having worked for manyfunction. Relationship issues
are invisible until they cre-years for one of the worlds largest
employers, the USate a problem. Miscommunication and toxic
environ-Postal Service (USPS). During my tenure, the USPS dis-ments
bring about bad decisions, costly delays, and friv-covered from a
survey that the top priorities of theirolous accusatory
actions.employees higher on the list than salary or benefits When
people are working well together their creativi-were to be treated
with respect and to feel like they made a dif- ty flows, things get
done effectively and people use lessference in their work. In other
words, it was a relationship sick time, vacation time, etc. The
workforce is active andissue that needed to be examined in order
for the compa- engaged in the job and business is good. This
positiveny to have fully engaged employees. business flow is the
promise of Relationship Coaching. This is not just a feel good
idea. Relationship issues havea negative financial effect in a big
way. According to Marcus N O LONGER INVISIBLEBuckingham in his book
Now Discover Y Strengths (Freeour My company was hired by a Fortune
100 company to pro-Press, 2001), few organizations have developed a
systematic vide coaching for a top regional executive who had run
intoprocess for the efficient use of their human resources. A
trouble. This particular situation ended up costing therecent
Gallup Organization report states that 71% of thecompany tens of
millions of dollars and the executive theAmerican workforce is
disengaged from their jobs, costing embarrassment of a negative
front page newspaper story.the economy around $300 billion
annually. The weird thing was that two investigations discovered no
Most workplace cultures have a rule, spoken or not,wrong-doing on
his part. What was the explanation?that goes something like, Leave
your personal life atInstead of focusing on the executive and what
had gothome. This can be a good boundary, necessary for a him into
hot water, the coaching looked at the web ofwell-functioning
operation. However, most businessesrelationships within the
organization in which he inter-interpret this boundary to mean that
relationship issuesacted. We soon discovered it was within these
relation-are to be left at the door. This is like the proverbial
ships that the problem and its meaning lay.throwing out the baby
with the bathwater. Over the course of a year, the coaching helped
himRelationship is an essential ingredient of all business;to set
new boundaries, taught him how to communicate VOLUME 4 NUMBER 4 29
3. RelationshipsReproduced with the permission of choice Magazine,
www.choice-online.com Reproduced with the permission of choice
Magazine, www.choice-online.com positively with his colleagues and
his boss and how tocreating positivity within the business
relationship use his personal strengths to engage the help of
others.embeds the learning immediately and deeply. You can During
this process, his view of himself shifted from one provide
Relationship Coaching in many configurations: of being a victim to
one of knowing his responsibilityindividuals, partnerships or
teams. When the coaching and its limits. By seeing what had
previously been invisi-includes an awareness of and respect for the
web of rela- ble, he was empowered and able to navigate the waters
tionships that comprise the business, its impact is huge of his
company much better. He discovered his own per- much greater than
coming from an individual coach- sonal power within the
organization.ing perspective. In a different scenario, I was asked
to work with the partners of a new and innovative magazine, to help
them T HE BOTTOM LINE with the addition of a new partner who came
on boardHere is the real kicker. When relationship coaching is as
publisher. In coaching sessions with them I wove fully utilized by
businesses it has an incredible impact on together business
development and relationship coach- the bottom line. ing. This
approach helped the partners to organize and The executive at the
Fortune 100 company went on to put together a team that won a
national award for diver- sity achievement, as well as creating
millions of dollars of Relationship Coaching isrevenue for his
company. He directly credited this suc-not for sissies. cess to the
Relationship Coaching and the new skills he and his team had
acquired as a result. integrate their tasks, to create a meaningful
and effec- With all this talk about positivity and transformation,
tive business structure and to appreciate what each per-dont be
swayed into thinking that the goal is always one son brought to the
magazine while communicating and big happy family working together
forever. listening with respect.The magazine partnership generated
a different out- come. During the course of the coaching, the
partners P OSITIVE ENERGYcreated a respectful, creative and
productive atmos- So, what makes Relationship Coaching different
from phere. They worked out their disagreements and were other
forms of coaching? Here are the key elements: able to be honest
with each other. It makes the relationship systems visible. Presto!
In the end, however, they discovered they didnt have Look at whats
here. Oh, thats whats going on. Once the the same vision for the
magazines future and agreed that information becomes visible,
systems know what to dothey needed to end the partnership. Here the
coaching with it. Sometimes everyone is surprised. helped them to
see that their work together had been It teaches really useful
knowledge and skill sets thatexactly what the magazine needed to
move forward. integrate well with other forms of coaching (like
individ-They were able to successfully part ways leaving the per-
ual executive coaching, business development and team sonal
relationships with each other and the magazines training) and
consulting. business in great shape. Most importantly, it creates a
positive workplaceRelationship Coaching includes all the
complexities energy field that allows for sustainable and
productive and dilemmas of the human experience. business
practices. C ONCLUSIONWhy positivity? Positivity is essential to
creating sus- Relationship Coaching is not for sissies. It takes
time tainable productivity. Without that energy of positivity, a
and commitment from all involved coaches and business cannot
thrive. It can certainly have longevity clients alike. Though it is
more about teaching skills and and profitability, but it will not
have an engaged and cre- knowledge than digging deep into the
psyche, it requires ative culture of excellence. Positivity is the
most impor-people to change the way they think. tant outcome of
Relationship Coaching. Relationship Coaching takes people out of
fear-based,Making the system visible, teaching new skill sets and
individual-centered thinking into positive-based, 30VOLUME 4 NUMBER
4 4. RelationshipsReproduced with the permission of choice
Magazine, www.choice-online.com Reproduced with the permission of
choice Magazine, www.choice-online.comcollaborative thinking in
which no victims are allowed. Itways. These ways are known as the
five love languages.requires everyone to be fully responsible, and
to take aThey include:leadership role, regardless of his or her
hierarchical posi- Words of Affirmation These include compliments,
wordstion in the company.of encouragement, and praise. They
increase the self- It makes visible the invisible entities of
relationship, and worth of the child/parent and bring out their
full poten-it shifts the conversation from Whose fault is it? to
tial. They focus on the values, characters, and virtues thatWhats
the opportunity now? and What needs to hap- the child/parent
demonstrates through their behavior.pen in this relationship? And
that, my friends, is one huge Quality Time This includes spending
quality time withparadigm shift for any person or organization to
make.a child/parent, giving your undivided attention by shar-ing
thoughts and feelings, listening intently and partici-Kat Kehres
Knecht, CPCC, is an author and a relationship coachpating in
activities that have meaning to the child/par-working with couples
and business partners in Hollywood, CA.ent. Interact with the child
at their level, even for a fewminutes a day. Receiving Gifts
Whether made or purchased, giftsshow that you care and that you
value your relationship.Speaking the Languages of LoveThe value of
the gift is irrelevant. It can be a note left intheir bag or an
award at a social event. Acts of Service This is about doing
something specifi- By Susan T. Howson, MA, CPCC cally for a
child/parent (for example, helping with home- Being appreciated and
loved are central humanwork/dishes). When performing an Act of
Serviceneeds that help determine the emotional healthremember to
tell them that you are doing it because youof children and adults.
Research shows that appreciate them.when children feel that they
belong and are wanted, they Physical Touch This is a powerful form
of communicationare more likely to develop into responsible adults.
Garyto show appreciation and belonging. It can be as simple as
aChapman quotes Dr. Ross Campbell: Inside every child pat on the
shoulder, shake of a hand, high five or yes, even aand adult is an
emotional tank waiting to be filled withhug. Consider the age,
personality and temperament oflove. When a child really feels
loved, he will develop nor- each child/parent to determine the type
of physical affirma-mally but when the love tank is empty, the
child will mis-tion that works best.behave. Much of the misbehavior
of children is motivat-When a child or parents emotional love tank
is deplet-ed by the cravings of an empty love tank.ed or empty
their perspective on the world is bleak. TheThe idea of an
emotionallikelihood that they will reachlove tank provides a
powerful their potential for good in themetaphor when addressing
When a child or parents world is thereby diminished.the emotional
needs of chil- emotional love tank is As a coach, understandingdren
and families. Beingyour own love language givesaware of whether
each family depleted or empty theirinsight into potential areas
formembers love tank is full orperspective on the world
self-regulation. Interactingrunning on empty provides with
children/parents in theinsight to the type of commu- is
bleak.emotional manner that fillsnication, interactions andtheir
love tank also helps tobehavior of each member of the family. When
eachdevelop a stronger, more trusting relationship.family members
emotional love tank is full they feelNot sure what your primary
love language is? Askmore secure in themselves, and are more
willing toyourself, What makes me feel loved by others? Yourwork
towards reaching their fullest potential.answer will reveal your
primary love language. And toIn his research, Gary Chapman has
discovered that effectively coach children and families, practice
speak-most peoples love tanks get filled in at least one of five
ing their primary love language(s). Dont worry. If youVOLUME 4
NUMBER 4 31 5. RelationshipsReproduced with the permission of
choice Magazine, www.choice-online.com Reproduced with the
permission of choice Magazine, www.choice-online.com are not clear
about the primary love language of the ed weekly couple time and a
date night at least once a children/parents you are coaching, speak
all five regu-month. The challenge was that the couple had no real
larly. With time, they will reveal the love language
thatestablished external supports. They had not reached out most
effectively fills their love tank. And when you are to their
communities to support their marriage and speaking their primary
love language, your relationshiprecent parenthood. will stay strong
and sacred.A community is a group of family, friends, co-workers,or
other parents/couples that share an interest in your Susan T.
Howson, MA, CPCC, is a family and relationship systemssuccess and
well-being. Sally, being career minded prior coach, a keynote
speaker and the winner of the 2005 ICF Prism Awardto motherhood,
felt like she should be able to handle it for excellence in
business coaching. all, so had not asked for or accepted offers of
help fromfamily and friends. John simply had not even thought ofit,
assuming Sally would say something if it was needed. Change cannot
occur in a vacuum; it occurs when we And Baby Makes Three speak it
to the world around us. The challenge for Johnand Sally was to sit
down together and list everyone they By Kristin Grant, CACknew and
trusted as supporters of their marriage, narrow John and Sally have
been married for five years and now have one these down to the few
that they could count on to hold child together. Both partners are
involved in their careers and have them accountable, and contact
those individuals to share looked forward to being co-par-with them
their desire to ents of little Kate. Within six Change cannot occur
in reconnect their marriage and months of baby Kates birth, ask for
their support. John and Sally are feeling tireda vacuum; it occurs
when Additionally, they researched and disconnected from eachwe
speak it to the world the affordability of help with other as
marital partners. Bothhousework, found a local agree that they feel
connected to around us. moms club group for Sally, Baby Kate, but
what happened discussed part-time work to their bond? As Kates one
year birthday rolls around, Sally and options for Sally and asked
neighbors and friends for rec- John agree that they need
help.ommendations on babysitters in their area. L ISTENING WITH
EMPATHYIn first working with Sally and John, it became clearthat
many life changes had occurred during this last year The next step
was to address their differing needs in thefor them. As with many
couples, the reality of upcom- area of intimacy. Both admitted that
this was an area of fre- ing life changes with the birth of a child
was overshadowed by quent arguments. John, guiltily feeling
replaced by Baby the excitement and romance of becoming first time
parents. Kate, was missing the frequent and often spontaneous As a
result, neither partner was prepared for how it could lovemaking of
their Before Baby days. Sally on the other affect their
relationship. Sally was feeling increasingly guilty hand, was
missing the cozy conversations shared during about not being at
home with Baby Kate and not keeping upcuddling after a long day of
work. How to get the two on with the housework as she did before,
but was not sure theythe same page at the same time and get their
needs met? could afford for her not to work. John was feeling
abandonedFirst things first. I asked each to take a minute and
since Sallys time seemed devoted to Baby Kate and house-explain to
the other what significance these needs/activi- work, and she
always felt tired once Kate went to bed. ties had for them. John
shared that he felt desired, caredfor and the focus of Sallys
attention when they were sex- L ACK OF EXTERNAL SUPPORTS ually
intimate. He enjoyed the excitement and the feel- After speaking
with each partner and clarifying what ing that he could give her
pleasure. Sally shared that she each would like to be different in
their relationship, wefelt cared for, cherished, secure, and
accepted during devised some strategies and set some goals. These
includ-those times that she and John just cuddled together. 32
VOLUME 4 NUMBER 4 6. RelationshipsReproduced with the permission of
choice Magazine, www.choice-online.com Reproduced with the
permission of choice Magazine, www.choice-online.comHaving a baby
is a life changing event that can signicantlyalter our routines and
the way we relate to one another. I asked both to repeat what they
heard from the other,families, marital coaching, pre-marital
coaching, andstarting with I hear that you miss being intimate/cud-
coaching of business partners.dled because it helps you feel After
the exercise, both shared that they felt heard and Kristin Grant is
a Certified Action Coach and Licensed Clinical Socialunderstood
versus defensive as they had been in prior Worker. She has worked
in various positions from criminal justice to school-discussions.
We discussed how actively listening andand home-based family/child
counseling prior to starting her own practice.reflecting back the
feelings their partner shared helps toeliminate the criticism and
blame pattern that couplesoften experience. This process allows for
better under-standing and acceptance of one another in the
marriage. Face-Off John and Sally then were able to work together
to set agoal for addressing each others needs, with the under-By
Lisa G. Kramer, MSW, PCCstanding that intimacy might need to be
planned for Peter and Laurie met on a blind date two years ago.
Peter wasawhile to ensure it was kept a priority. They agreed to
set initially attracted to Lauries exuberance for life. Laurie, on
theone evening a week where they cuddled after Kate went other
hand, was drawn to Peters calm centeredness. In theto bed, and one
evening a week where lovemaking was beginning of the relationship,
Lauries zest for life rubbed off onscheduled; each partner would
take turns initiating the Peter, and he looked forward to their
time together with eageractivity. Both agreed that spontaneity with
lovemakinganticipation. And Laurie enjoyed the tranquility she
experi-and cuddling would be a bonus any other time if bothenced in
Peters presence.were receptive.As the relationship between the
couple progressed, conflict Overall, it was imperative for both to
address that hav- emerged around how they spent their time
together. Laurie was aing a baby is a life-changing event that can
significantlydo-er the more plans and activities scheduled, the
better. Eachalter routines and the way couples relate to one
another. weekend was booked solid with theater, dinners out with
friends,Discussing possible changes ahead of time, establishing
bike rides, and drives in the country. Peter preferred more
downneeds and boundaries, and carefully listening for the feel-
time, and he was content to lie outside in a hammock, with orings
behind the partners words can help ward off feel- without Laurie,
reading or taking a nap. While Laurie foundings of being
disconnected from one another.Peters lifestyle to be romantic early
on in the relationship, sheeventually became bored. Peter also grew
resentful about the wayL ASTING CHANGE Laurie scheduled their
weekends without checking with himCoaching relationships is a
process that varies with each ahead of time. Disagreements ensued
between Laurie and Peter.client. In my practice as a therapist and
relationshipThey questioned their compatibility as a couple. Upon
thecoach for the past nine years, certain challenges seem to
recommendation of Lauries best friend, the couple came to me
forarise frequently and need to be addressed for progress to
relationship coaching.continue and remain more lasting. Assisting
clients in Aidentifying and reaching out to external supports,
active-conscious relationship is one that fosters max-ly listening
and showing empathy to those one is in rela- imum psychological and
spiritual growth fortionship with, and working together to find a
way for both partners. According to Imago theory both parties to be
in the same frame of mind at the samethe work of psychologist
Harville Hendrix there aretime are the most common challenges. In
fact, these three stages in a conscious relationship. The first
stage,same challenges apply in any kind of relationship
coach-romantic love, is characterized by tremendous passion,ing,
whether it is parent coaching, coaching blendedexcitement and
aliveness. Hendrix refers to this stageVOLUME 4 NUMBER 4 33 7.
Relationships Reproduced with the permission of choice Magazine,
www.choice-online.com Reproduced with the permission of choice
Magazine, www.choice-online.com as natures anesthesia because we
are numb to the This perspective is what enables couples to move
through parts of our partner that we later find to be annoying, the
power struggle into the final stage in a conscious rela-
irritating, even intolerable! And that is exactly what is tionship
mature love. Mature love is characterized by supposed to happen. As
the anesthesia of romantic greater awareness, deep friendship and
passion. love dissipates, couples can more clearly see the person
with whom they fell in love. That clarity shines a lightC ONFLICT
AS AN OPPORTUNITY FOR GROWTH on the differences between partners,
moving them into The majority of couples who seek professional
services the second stage, the power struggle. The power strug-are
in the second stage of the conscious relationship, the gle stage is
when conflict arises. Out of the conflictpower struggle. Coaches
can educate couples to under- comes tremendous opportunity for
growth. In the stand how conflict provides them with a tremendous
example of Laurie and Peter, the conflict that emergedopportunity
for growth, both individually and as a cou- presented them with a
perfect opportunity to get to ple. There is no such thing as a
conscious relationship know themselves better and to deepen the
relationship.without conflict. The key is learning how to
embraceSome relationships do not go beyond the power strug-
conflict in a relationship and use it as a vehicle to become gle
stage. Couples remain stuck or the relationship dis-more conscious.
Couples who are so embroiled in the solves from the struggle to
understand and accept eachpower struggle that they are unable to
acknowledge con- others differences. However, some couples view
this stageflict as an opportunity for growth may be better served
as an opportunity, both for individual growth and for the by a
therapist. Couples who are appropriate for coaching relationship to
grow stronger and move to a deeper level. recognize that conflict
provides opportunity for greater Lead Your Reading Coaching Into
Greatness is an inspirational gift to yourself, to those you work
with, and to those you care about.Through the brilliance of
Abundance Intelligence, this book injectsClients tosuccess into
your life, bringing you face to face with your greatness. Jack
Canfield, Co-author of the Chicken Soup for the Soul series,Dare to
Win, The Power of Focus and The Success PrinciplesTM: Greatness.How
to Get from Where You Are to Where You Want to Be. I love this
book! Not only does Coaching Into Greatness offer a new paradigm
for the future of the Coaching industry, it will teach any
professional whos responsible for the success of a team how to lead
it to greatness. Prepare yourself for some rather startling and
marvelous results.Michael Port, Author of Book Yourself Solid, The
Fastest, Easiest, and Most Reliable System for Getting More Clients
Than You Can Handle I nternationally acclaimed business coach and
consultant Kim George provides an easy-to-master process for
coaches to bring out innate greatness. Kim George introduces a new
kind of intelligence quotient, Abundance IntelligenceTM (AQ). AQ is
the key to living into our greatness, moving from a mentality of
scarcity to one of abundance. Her book awakens you and the people
you work with to the real reasons people get stuck and dont do what
they can do by introducing the concept that the ultimate scarcity
is resisting who you are. With this awareness, clients learn that
they already have everything they need to do the things they
want.Available at www.Amazon.com and at fine booksellers everywhere
For more information and to download a free companion study guide,
visit www.CoachingIntoGreatness.com34 VOLUME 4 NUMBER 4 8.
Relationships Reproduced with the permission of choice Magazine,
www.choice-online.com Reproduced with the permission of choice
Magazine, www.choice-online.cominterpretation and helps to create a
safe space for couplesOut of the conict comesto discuss what they
are experiencing with each other.tremendous opportunityLaurie and
Peter used mirroring to discuss their differenceswithout trying to
convince the other who was right orfor growth. wrong. Through
coaching, they recognized how they pro-vided each other with
opportunities to stretch that notintimacy in the relationship. Each
partner is willing toonly created more trust and intimacy in the
relationship,take responsibility for their part in
constructivelybut also helped them to grow individually. One way
thataddressing conflict in the relationship.Laurie learned to
stretch in the relationship was by agree-ing to spend unscheduled
time with Peter. This enabled herT HE OUTCOMEto slow down and
simply be. Peter was more willing to par-Relationship Coaching
provided Laurie and Peter with theticipate in activities with
Laurie when he knew that hestructure to discuss their differences
and to create a vision would have unscheduled time to relax. The
couple also dis-for their relationship that honored both of them.
Theycussed their weekend plans in advance, and they found alearned
constructive ways to communicate effectively andbalance between
time together and time apart, as well asto acknowledge their
differences. Mirroring, a powerful time engaged in activity and
down time.communication technique from Imago theory, was used
toassist Laurie and Peter to step into the others shoes. Lisa G.
Kramer, MSW, PCC is a coach and author of Loving withMirroring
involves reflective listening without judgment or Intention: A
Guide for Relationship Coaching. TheRelationship Coaching
BetterCompanyTogetherTeaching people how to create extraordinary
partnerships.Kat & Curtis KnechtFUN TROUBLEExtraordinary
partnershipscreate an environment for theindividuals to flourish.
Insteadof dominance, submission orcompromise, these
relationshipscreate a third way that is betterWILDCARD BUSINESSfor
the individuals involved thananything they could have comeup with
alone.When will you ask for outside
help?www.RelationshipCoaching.com VOLUME 4 NUMBER 435