Kindling

THE MINDY PROJECT

"Kindling"

Written by

calmdowncheryl

Based on

Mindy Kaling’s "THE MINDY PROJECT"

January 5, 2014 calmdowncheryl.tumblr.com/ask

TEASER

1 INT. MINDY’S BEDROOM - NIGHT

MINDY and CLIFF are sitting in Mindy’s bed. Cliff is

reading, and Mindy’s on her laptop. Cliff looks over and

sees Mindy scrolling through pictures of BETSY. He tries to

go back to reading, but he’s too distracted.

CLIFF

I know we said we’d try to talk

about work less, but I feel the

need to give you unsolicited legal

advice.

MINDY

I’m just helping Betsy with her

Kindling pic.

CLIFF

"Kindling"?

MINDY

Yeah.

CLIFF

What’s that?

MINDY

A dating app.

Mindy grabs her phone and huddles closer to Cliff to show

him how it works.

On Mindy’s phone, we see a series of pictures of men.

MINDY (O.S.)

Swipe left means you aren’t

interested.

She swipes left, and a big, red X covers the man’s face.

MINDY (O.S.) (cont’d)

Swipe right means you’re attracted.

She swipes on a different photo, and big green CHECKMARK

covers the man’s face.

MINDY

If you both swipe right, you’re a

match! Then you can message each

other and set up a date.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 2.

CLIFF

I again feel the need to give you

unsolicited legal advice.

MINDY

She asked me to help her.

Cliff looks relieved.

CLIFF

Oh, okay. So, what’s with the

laptop?

Mindy sets her phone down on the bed and returns to the

laptop.

MINDY

Photoshop.

Cliff shoots her a look.

MINDY (cont’d)

What? Nothing drastic. Betsy just

doesn’t have a picture that says

"I’m sweet" without saying "I

remind you of your little sister"

or "You could probably get away

with date raping me".

(beat)

Ooh! Idea!

Mindy opens her own picture album and scrolls through

pictures of her at various places, restaurants, etc. Some of

them are with friends, but most of them are with other guys.

Mindy selects a rare photo in which she is alone, a candid

of her at a rooftop party during sunset, the New York City

skyline behind her. Mindy smiles to herself and Photoshops

a candid picture of Betsy convincingly into her place.

CLIFF

Hey, that’s pretty good.

(beat)

You seem to know a lot about this

stuff.

MINDY

Yeah, well, I am a connoisseur of

most of the dating technologies

that have ever existed: eHarmony,

match.com, OKCupid, and for a brief

accidental period, Grindr.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 3.

CLIFF

See, I can’t read if you hated that

last one because I kind of think

you loved it.

MINDY

Kindling’s also great because you

don’t have those stupid info boxes.

CLIFF

What, like, "Likes", "Dislikes"?

MINDY

Yeah. That stuff is super annoying

to write.

CLIFF

Why?

MINDY

How are you supposed to fit

everything into a couple hundred

characters? It’s like,

(to her phone)

"Hello, tri-state area! I am a

complex person! I have more than a

couple hundred characters’ worth of

Interests!"

She goes back to her laptop.

CLIFF

Jeez. All this technology. Whatever

happened to just meeting someone

through a friend or talking to

someone you thought looked

interesting while at a wine

tasting...

Mindy smirks at him.

CLIFF (cont’d)

Or the Man Store, on your way to

buy some duct tape or a bear trap.

Mindy smiles to herself and continues working.

MINDY

Sounds like something Danny would

say.

Cliff looks a little disappointed at the mention of Danny’s

name.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 4.

CLIFF

Well, I tried match.com once

before. I didn’t really care much

for all the messaging back and

forth.

MINDY

That’s funny, given how we met.

CLIFF

(embarrassed)

Ha, yeah.

MINDY

Remember?

CLIFF

Yup.

MINDY

With the Morgan and the Peter and

the inappropriateness and the

betrayal --

CLIFF

-- How can I forget. You deleted

those, right?

Mindy smiles devillishly at Cliff.

MINDY

I don’t delete anything, Cliff.

They playfully scuffle over Mindy’s phone.

END TEASER

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 5.

ACT ONE

2 INT. SHULMAN & ASSOCIATES - BREAK ROOM - DAY

Mindy opens the fridge to grab her lunch. A pungent ODOR

wafts up slowly at first, but then it punches her in the

face. Mindy covers her nose with her scrub top and squints

into the fridge.

MINDY

Oh, god!!

She sees BETSY’S CELL PHONE placed next to her

Tupperware. Mindy grabs the container and the phone.

3 INT. SHULMAN & ASSOCIATES - FRONT DESK - DAY

MORGAN and DANNY are at the desk, going through the intake

forms. BETSY is on the computer.

MINDY

(to Morgan)

Okay, Morgan, if you don’t throw

away your old egg sandwiches,

you’re losing your fridge

privileges.

MORGAN

But I can’t lose my fridge-privs! I

don’t have a fridge at home! Do you

know how long it takes me to salt

and pickle all my food to make it

last through winter? That’s like my

entire October!

MINDY

Please go clean out the fridge.

Morgan rolls his eyes and goes to the break room. Mindy then

shifts her gaze to Betsy, who smiles sheepishly back at her.

MINDY (cont’d)

What is this?

Mindy holds up Betsy’s cell phone. Danny peers at it. He

pokes at it with his pen.

DANNY

I think it’s a cell phone.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 6.

BETSY

I’m not sure. I can send it to the

lab for a closer look.

She attempts to get the phone from Mindy, but Mindy pulls

her hand out of reach.

MINDY

(to Betsy)

I know this is your cell phone.

BETSY

How?

Mindy turns the phone around to show Betsy’s phone case,

which is plastered with pictures of CATS and YARN.

Defeated, Betsy stands and holds out her hand. Mindy sets

her phone on her palm.

MINDY

Don’t get discouraged. Online

dating can be hard to figure out,

like people who eat quinoa.

DANNY

You’re online dating, Bets?

Betsy nods.

BETSY

Dr. L helped me sign up yesterday.

DANNY

Hey, well, any guy would be lucky

to get to take you out. Most girls

on those sites are psychos.

He not-so-discreetly motions to Mindy. Mindy narrows her

eyes at him.

MINDY

(to Betsy)

Don’t listen to him.

BETSY

But he said nice things.

MINDY

I meant about me. Look, you’ll find

somebody great. You don’t need to

rush.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 7.

BESTY

I already have a date.

MINDY

Alright, slow down, Lolita!

Betsy winces. Mindy wiggles her fingers for the phone.

MINDY (cont’d)

Lemme see.

Betsy hands Mindy the phone.

MINDY (cont’d)

Decent face.

Mindy checks out the match.

MINDY (cont’d)

(reading)

"Gregory, 28. Ship-in-a-bottle

enthusiast and professional Jenga

referee."

(sarcastically)

Sounds dreamy.

DANNY

Sounds like a man after my own

heart.

Betsy takes her phone back.

BETSY

He moved here about a year ago.

We’ve been texting back and forth

all day about stuff like our

families and how hard the city is

to navigate and why there isn’t any

decent potato salad here.

Betsy plops down into her chair, which bounces a little.

Mindy watches her thoughtfully.

MINDY

So, what’s wrong?

BETSY

It’s moving a bit faster than I

expected. He wants to go to dinner

tomorrow, and the last text he sent

me was telling me to pick a place.

She looks up at Mindy.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 8.

BETSY (cont’d)

Any suggestions?

MINDY

Sure! I know tons of great places.

BETSY

You think you could help me pick

out an outfit, too?

MINDY

I’ve had a Betsy-themed Pinterest

ready in case you ever asked me for

a makeover.

BETSY

Aaaand you’ll go to the restaurant

and wait with me until he shows up?

MINDY

Oooooooh. Uh, Betsy... Cliff and I

kinda have a date tomorrow night...

Betsy sinks into her chair and looks like she might start

crying. Danny stares awkwardly at Betsy, visibly becoming

uncomfortable. He nudges Mindy’s arm.

DANNY

(whispering)

Min, just do it.

MINDY

(whispering back)

I can’t!

DANNY

(whispering)

Oh god, here come the little

squeaks...

Betsy closes her eyes and starts to whimper. Danny and Mindy

stare at her.

DANNY (cont’d)

(whispering)

Min, I can’t with this.

MINDY

(whispering)

Then you do something about it!

Betsy lets out a small sob.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 9.

DANNY

(breaking)

Okay!! Okay. How about... I wait

with you at the restaurant?

BETSY

Really?

DANNY

Really.

Betsy is ecstatic.

BETSY

Dr. Castellano, thank you!

DANNY

Bets, it’s my pleasure.

BETSY

I promise it won’t take long! You

just have to stay until he shows up

and proves he’s not a wacko.

Unless...

Betsy’s smile fades a bit.

BETSY (cont’d)

Well... what if he doesn’t show up?

MINDY

Hey, that won’t happen. With my

food and fashion expertise, and

Danny’s...

Mindy looks at him a moment. She turns back to Betsy.

MINDY (cont’d)

...ability to allow time to pass,

you will be even more irresistible

than you are now.

Danny’s a bit more of a realist.

DANNY

Hey, but if he doesn’t show up or

it doesn’t work out, it’s not the

end of the world, right? I bet

there’s a million dudes who will

match up with you!

Betsy grins.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 10.

DANNY (cont’d)

Sheesh, at the rate you’re going,

you’ll have guys lining up around

the block! It took Mindy here a

whole month to --

MINDY

Okay, let’s not spoil

Betsy’s win, here. You can

stop now. That’s enough!

DANNY

-- even get anybody to

click on her profile, let

alone ask her on a date.

MINDY

(to Danny)

Danny, unlike you, I have high

standards!

(beat)

And OKCupid tends to skew blonde,

and I just don’t have the

complexion for that!

Mindy storms off, and Danny flashes a smile at Betsy.

END ACT ONE

ACT TWO

4 EXT. BETSY’S APARTMENT - DAY

Mindy, in a red peacoat, is standing on Betsy’s stoop. She

looks for Betsy’s name on the buzzer. She BUZZES Betsy’s

apartment.

MAN 1

(on speaker)

Hello?

MINDY

Um, is this Betsy’s apartment?

MAN 1

(on speaker)

Oh, no, the wiring’s all messed up

for the buzzers. Maybe try the next

one down.

MINDY

Oh, okay, thanks.

She BUZZES the next person.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 11.

WOMAN 1

(on speaker)

Hello?

MINDY

I’m here to make you beautiful!

WOMAN 1

(on speaker)

What?

MINDY

For your date?

WOMAN 1

(on speaker)

Oh no! I must’ve forgot! I’m late!

WOMAN 2

(on speaker)

Mrs. Anderson, it’s time to take

your pill -- Mrs. Anderson?

Mindy hears a CRASH!, sounds like porcelain, maybe a vase?

Some YELLING, and then the speaker cuts out. Mindy makes a

face and then tries pressing Mrs. Anderson’s button to see

if that will get her to Betsy.

MAN 1

(on speaker)

Hello?

MINDY

(on speaker)

Yeah, hi, I’m looking for Betsy?

MAN 1

(on speaker)

Betsy? What floor?

MINDY

I’m not sure, actually.

MAN 1

(on speaker)

She single?

MINDY

Yes?

MAN 1

(on speaker)

She have both her ears?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 12.

Mindy lets go of the buzzer and freaks out about what to

do. She then realizes she’s holding her phone.

MINDY

God, what am I doing?

She calls Betsy’s phone.

MINDY (cont’d)

(on the phone)

Hey, I’m here to make you

beautiful! Also, one of your

neighbors might be a serial killer.

5 INT. BETSY’S APARTMENT - DAY

Mindy’s standing in the middle of her apartment. Her coat

hangs off her arm. She’s wearing a black blazer, a white

shirt with black horizontal stripes, skinny jeans, and red

pumps.

Mindy looks around at Betsy’s shoebox studio apartment. She

spots some KNITTING NEEDLES in a ball of yarn on the seat of

a rocking chair in the corner. Mindy starts to notice that

there’s yarn everywhere: yarn PILLOWS, yarn TEA COZY, yarn

WALL-HANGINGS, a QUILT made of yarn depicting a ball of

yarn.

Betsy walks in from the bathroom wearing a sweater she

undoubtedly knitted for herself and a knee-length skirt.

BETSY

How about this?

MINDY

We have to get out of here.

Immediately.

CUT TO:

6 EXT. CITY STREET - DAY

Mindy’s dragging Betsy along in her wake.

BETSY

What’s wrong with what I’m wearing?

MINDY

Absolutely nothing! It’s really

impressive that you made that. I

think my 68-year-old Auntie Priya

has one that’s similar.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 13.

Betsy gets the point. Mindy spots a familiar store.

MINDY (cont’d)

A-ha! I love this boutique.

7 INT. BOUTIQUE - DAY - CONTINUOUS

Mindy and Betsy wander around the shop.

MINDY

Now, the first thing guys notice is

how you look. We’re visual

creatures. That’s just how we’re

wired. So, it’s important you get

that first date outfit just right.

Betsy looks like she’s taking mental notes of everything

Mindy’s saying.

Mindy runs her hand along a clothesrack of leather jackets.

She closes her eyes.

MINDY (cont’d)

Feel the fabric, Betsy. Soak it in.

What does it feel like?

Betsy awkwardly tries to mimic Mindy.

BETSY

Leather, but it could just be a

soft pleather --

MINDY

No, what is it saying to you?

Long beat.

BETSY

"Moo"?

MINDY

No, no, no.

Mindy opens her eyes and takes Besty by the shoulders. Betsy

looks back at her.

MINDY (cont’d)

You want an outfit that will "say"

something about you. What do you

want it to say?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 14.

BETSY

...I’m not sure.

MINDY

It’s all about what you want to

tell this Gregory guy about

yourself.

(beat)

Just give it a try. There are no

wrong answers.

BETSY

Okay. Um, I want it to say...

Betsy attempts to be sexy.

BETSY (cont’d)

"Hello, nice to meet you. I am a

girl. With boobs. Two whole ones."

MINDY

Wow, okay, I lied. Definitely such

a thing as a "wrong answer".

(beat)

Was that "sexy"? Were you trying to

be sexy?

Betsy nods.

MINDY (cont’d)

Okay, that’s a start! One of the

things you want to say is, "I’m

sexy."

BETSY

But, like, not like a --

(whispers)

-- whore!

MINDY

So you also want to say, "I’m

sophisticated."

Betsy smiles and blushes.

MINDY (cont’d)

Alriiiight, we’ve got ourselves a

theme.

Mindy takes a blouse from one of the racks before heading

off to another part of the store. Besty smiles and follows.

15.

8 INT. BOUTIQUE - DAY

Mindy waits next to Betsy’s FITITING ROOM. A big gray

curtain serves as the door. We see Betsy’s feet where the

curtain falls short.

MINDY

So, which restaurant did you end up

picking?

BETSY

(from inside the fitting room)

Grammercy Park Bistro.

MINDY

Nice selection. Fairly-priced, so

you don’t feel guilty for letting

him pay, but also really good food.

I’d get the lamb. They’re also

really known for their dessert

coffees. Y’know, you can actually

tell a lot about a person based on

what kind of coffee --

BETSY

Are you sure I can pull this off,

Dr. L?

MINDY

Of course! And would you please

stop with the "Dr. L" stuff? You’re

starting to make me sound like your

therapist-slash-life coach.

Mindy pulls back the heavy gray curtain and finds Betsy

wearing the outfit she picked out: navy blazer, crisp, light

pink button-up with the top two buttons unbuttoned, skinny

jeans, and black pumps. Eerily similar to what Mindy has on.

MINDY (cont’d)

Check you out!

Betsy smiles.

MINDY (cont’d)

Last thing...

Mindy steps into the fitting room with Betsy. She removes

Betsy’s hair barrette and tucks her hair behind her ear.

Betsy looks even more like Mindy.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 16.

MINDY (cont’d)

There!

Betsy looks at herself in the mirror.

BETSY

(breathless)

You’re like a magician.

MINDY

(scoffs)

Oh, you.

Mindy looks over to the BOUTIQUE OWNER.

MINDY (cont’d)

(to Boutique Owner)

We’ll take it all, and she’ll wear

it out of the store.

BETSY

Dr. L, I can’t --

MINDY

Consider it a present. And

remember, it’s "Mindy".

She grins. Betsy throws her arms around Mindy and hugs her.

After a while:

MINDY (cont’d)

(stiffly)

Okay. Come on. Let’s go. We’ve got

a few more things to buy.

END ACT TWO

ACT THREE

9 EXT. GRAMMERCY PARK BISTRO - EVENING

Mindy and Betsy walk up to the bistro, giggling about the

outfit and the date. Betsy is now wearing a NAVY PEACOAT

that looks like Mindy’s, and she’s carrying a PURSE that

looks like Mindy’s as well.

Danny walks up from the opposite direction. He’s wearing a

BLACK BEANIE, and a BEIGE, PUFFY WINTER COAT with the hood

up.

They meet just outside the door.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 17.

DANNY

Hey, Bets. You look...

He examines both of them. The similarities are uncanny.

DANNY (cont’d)

...Familiar?

Betsy isn’t sure of how to handle that compliment.

MINDY

(to Danny)

And you look like an old man in

that grandpa jacket. Where are you

going? Antarctica?

Danny throws his arms in the air, gesturing to his

surroundings.

DANNY

Polar vortex!! They’re shutting

down schools in Minnesota, for

Christ’s sake!

BETSY

It is freezing. Should we go

inside?

MINDY

You guys go ahead. I’m gonna go

wait for Cliff.

BETSY

What do you guys have planned

tonight?

MINDY

We’ll probably grab some food and

then spend half an hour debating

what new movie to see before giving

up, going home, queuing up Netflix,

and watching another episode of

Orange is the New Black.

DANNY

He watches your fashion shows with

you? This guy is a saint.

BETSY

Come and have a drink or an

appetizer or something before you

go! Cliff won’t be free for another

hour or so, and it’s the least I

could do to repay you for today.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 18.

MINDY

Oh, no thanks, I don’t want to ruin

my appetite.

CUT TO:

10 INT. GRAMMERCY PARK BISTRO - BAR - EVENING

The bar’s not too crowded. Mindy sets her beer down and

sloppily eats another mozzerella stick. Danny sits next to

her, his jacket unzipped. He watches Mindy eat, his face

showing a tinge of disgust. Betsy sits on the other side of

Mindy, anxiously scanning the room for a sign of Gregory.

Mindy brushes the food crumbs off her fingers.

MINDY

(mouth full)

Focus up, Bets.

Betsy looks over to Mindy.

MINDY (cont’d)

What did I say was the most

important part of your game plan

for tonight?

BETSY

Be mysterious as possible.

MINDY

Exactly. Let’s run a drill. Pretend

I’m Gregory.

Betsy nods.

MINDY (cont’d)

"So, what do you like to do for

fun?"

Betsy looks at the table. She grabs a cocktail menu and

hides her face except for her eyes.

Mindy snatches the cocktail menu from her hands.

MINDY (cont’d)

I said be mysterious, not be a

geisha.

DANNY

Why can’t she answer a simple

question? What if he wants to get

to know her?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 19.

MINDY

(to Betsy)

Never be straightforward. Always

keep him guessing. You’ve got to

lure him in slowly, like putting

cheese in a mousetrap.

Mindy holds up a mozzerella stick and tears it in half.

MINDY (cont’d)

Be the cheese, Betsy. Be the

cheese.

Danny rolls his eyes. Mindy puts the mozzerella stick down

and dusts her hands off in Danny’s direction. Danny looks at

her, annoyed, brushing the batter crumbs off his coat.

MINDY (cont’d)

I should go meet Cliff. We’ll only

be a couple blocks away, so if you

need help, text me!

She pinches Betsy’s cheek. Betsy grins.

MINDY (cont’d)

You’re gonna knock ’em dead.

Mindy turns to Danny. She whispers into his ear.

MINDY (cont’d)

(whispering)

I need a play-by-play.

DANNY

What --

MINDY

(whispering)

You heard me, Castellano. Practice

that Harry Caray voice of yours.

She leaves.

DANNY

(calling after her)

That’s Chicago, not New York!

As Mindy approaches the exit, she looks back at Danny. She

narrows her eyes, holds up her phone, and points to him.

Danny sighs and takes off his beanie. He looks over at

Betsy, who looks even more nervous than before.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 20.

DANNY (cont’d)

You okay, Bets?

Betsy looks at the table. She grabs the same cocktail menu

from earlier and hides behind it.

11 INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT

Cliff is perusing his menus. Mindy has her menu propped up

on the table.

CLIFF

I heard they do a roasted quail

here that we should try.

MINDY

(absent-mindedly)

Hmm. Yummy.

CLIFF

But I also heard their Oscar-style

steak was good. Hollandaise is made

in-house.

MINDY

(absent-mindedly)

Mmm. You don’t say.

Cliff looks over at Mindy, who is hidden behind her menu.

CLIFF

What if we both just get salads and

skip dessert?

MINDY

(absent-mindedly)

Sure, sounds good.

Cliff stares at her in silence.

MINDY (cont’d)

(absent-mindedly)

There are just so many choices, I

can’t decide.

CLIFF

I wasn’t even talking that time!

Cliff takes Mindy’s menu and finds her texting aggressively

on her phone.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 21.

CLIFF (cont’d)

What is that? Work?

MINDY

Yeah, Cliff, I’m text-delivering a

baby with emojis. No, it’s Danny.

Cliff furrows his brow.

12 INT. GRAMMERCY PARK BISTRO - BAR - NIGHT

Besty checks her phone for the millionth time.

DANNY

What time did he say he wanted to

meet up?

BETSY

7:30.

DANNY

Aw, Bets, you’ve got plenty of

time.

BETSY

It’s 7:29.

DANNY

Yeah, you’ve got a whole minute.

Betsy does not look comforted.

DANNY (cont’d)

You know how much that is in guy

time? Last season, during one game,

the Mets were behind by 2, but in a

span of three minutes, they got

bases loaded in the bottom of the

ninth and Murphy hits a home run!

Crowd’s roaring, people are going

crazy, taking off their shirts --

Danny catches a glimpse of Betsy’s confused face. He takes a

sip of his beer.

DANNY (cont’d)

Some games just move a bit slower

than others, y’know?

Betsy raises her eyebrows, still confused.

Danny struggles with what he’s about to say because he can

relate so much to the sentiment.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 22.

DANNY (cont’d)

I guess I’m just trying to say...

give the guy some time. Don’t let

yourself get distracted. Just

because he might be a little late

to the party doesn’t mean he won’t

be a lot of fun.

Betsy smiles.

A man taps Betsy on the shoulder. It’s GREGORY, right on

time. Betsy smiles up at him and blushes.

BETSY

Oh, hi.

GREGORY

Hi.

Betsy stands.

GREGORY (cont’d)

Uh, this is for you.

He hands her a small gift bag. Betsy reaches inside and

pulls out a small ship in a bottle. She smiles at him.

GREGORY (cont’d)

Um, it’s called the H.M.S.

Meowington? After your cat, Mr.

Meowington?

Betsy laughs.

DANNY

(smiling)

Dude. Nice touch. Very cheesy,

right Bets?

Gregory gets nervous.

GREGORY

Oh, um, is this your father?

Danny looks angry.

DANNY

No, I’m not her father!

He looks down at his coat.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 23.

DANNY (cont’d)

I bought this at J Crew!!

Gregory gets scared and starts to STAMMER through what

sounds like an apology.

BETSY

This is my friend, Danny

Castellano.

DANNY

Yeah, dude, relax. It’s all good.

BETSY

He just kept me company. I was a

little nervous about tonight.

Gregory raises his eyebrows. Betsy’s eyes grow wide.

BETSY (cont’d)

(nervously)

Uh, but I shouldn’t have told you

that!!

GREGORY

(relieved)

No! No, I’m glad you did! To be

honest, I got here a little while

ago and kind of stood in the back

corner, watching you?

Danny gets protective and starts to move closer to Betsy.

GREGORY (cont’d)

Uh, that sounds creepy, but... you

look all sophisticated, and, and,

y’know, sexy --

Betsy grins.

GREGORY (cont’d)

-- and it was kind of intimidating,

and, uh, no, this is coming out

wrong --

He clears his throat and tries again.

GREGORY (cont’d)

I’m just really excited to meet

you.

Betsy smiles. Danny senses that everything’s okay.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 24.

DANNY

Well, I guess I’m off. Bets?

BETSY

Yeah?

DANNY

You good?

Betsy nods. Danny smiles.

13 INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT

Cliff leans forward in his chair.

CLIFF

We’re kind of in the middle of a

date, here, Mindy.

MINDY

So is Betsy! Danny’s there being

some weird older-brother-type

chaperone, and I wanna make sure

the date goes well.

CLIFF

So you’re having him text you all

the details? Can’t you just sit

back and relax, tonight? You

haven’t even taken off your coat.

MINDY

I just spent all day training her

and getting her ready for tonight,

and if this doesn’t work out, it’ll

be all my fault!

CLIFF

Why don’t we just butt out of their

business?

Mindy’s phone BUZZES. She checks it, and her eyes grow wide

with surprise.

MINDY

(suddenly)

We gotta go.

CLIFF

What?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 25.

MINDY

We gotta go. Now!

She jumps to her feet and leaves the restaurant. Cliff

stumbles over himself to catch up.

14 EXT. GRAMMERCY PARK BISTRO - NIGHT

Mindy runs into Danny just as he’s heading out. Mindy stops

him in his tracks.

DANNY

Hey!

MINDY

What do you mean you’re "leaving"??

DANNY

I mean that Gregory is here, and

he’s not a serial killer, so I am

going home. To my place of

residence. Trying to forget I was

mildly inconvenienced by yet

another scheme of yours.

MINDY

What scheme?

DANNY

Your little Orwellian nightmare

with Betsy! She looks like a little

Mindy clone in there, with the

heels and the jacket!

MINDY

Blazer.

DANNY

Whatever! And what was all that "be

mysterious", "be the cheese"?

MINDY

I thought it was a pretty

well-constructed analogy.

DANNY

Cheese is made with bacteria, Min!

Mindy looks confused.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 26.

DANNY (cont’d)

I just mean sometimes analogies are

crap. You made her all nervous

about trying to "be the cheese".

She didn’t feel comfortable until

Gregory gave her a tiny

ship-in-a-bottle thingy.

MINDY

Ohmygod, he brought her a gift?

She smashes her face up against the window to try and catch

a glimpse of them. Danny pulls her back.

DANNY

Stop.

Danny looks over and sees Cliff aross the street, running up

to them.

DANNY (cont’d)

Don’t you have a date of your own

to get back to?

He nods over at Cliff. Mindy looks back to see Cliff trapped

by busy traffic.

She turns to Danny.

MINDY

(sighs)

You’re right. I think I just got so

caught up because I just wanted to

help. And I wouldn’t have learned

this valuable lesson without you,

Daniel.

She places a hand on his shoulder.

MINDY (cont’d)

Thank you for being the kind of

friend who doesn’t let his other

friends spiral out of control.

DANNY

Yeah, I think you’re full of it.

MINDY

Excuse me?

DANNY

I think you wanted to help, but I

think there’s something else going

(MORE)

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 27.

DANNY (cont’d)on here. I think you got caught up

because you’re secretly jealous of

her.

MINDY

Jealous of the Cat Lady and the

professional Jenga referee? Don’t

think so.

DANNY

You miss the dating life.

MINDY

No, I don’t.

DANNY

Yeah, you do. You’ve been with

Cliff for a month now. And you’re

bored. You’re starting to use your

everyday makeup instead of all the

sparkly stuff you use. You argue

about your Netflix queue instead of

debating current events to show off

how much you retained from that

day’s Google News update.

MINDY

Hey! You’re not the only one who

reads, y’know.

Danny looks at her meaningfully.

DANNY

Your heart doesn’t skip a beat when

you accidentally graze each other’s

hands when you’re walking down the

street.

Danny takes Mindy’s hand off his shoulder. Her arm hangs

down, but their hands hover dangerously close. Mindy clears

her throat, her voice low.

MINDY

(quietly)

It’s normal for that spark to go

away after time.

Danny gives her a questioning look: "Is it?"

Cliff jogs over to them. He doubles over, panting.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 28.

CLIFF

Jeez, Mindy!

CLIFF (cont’d)

(to Danny)

She took off like a shot!

CLIFF (cont’d)

(to Mindy)

You are surprisingly quick!

Mindy takes a step back from Danny.

MINDY

(to Cliff)

Yeah, I’m sorry about that.

She looks at Cliff and takes his hand, intertwining her

fingers with his. She hugs his arm.

MINDY (cont’d)

I promise. No more texting or

stalking. Let’s just go back to my

place and order in, yeah?

CLIFF

(confused but happy)

Sure.

Mindy looks at Danny.

CLIFF (cont’d)

(to Danny)

Night, man.

Danny just nods.

Mindy and Cliff walk off, Danny heading in the other

direction. Mindy looks back and sees Danny zipping up his

coat and putting on the black beanie. Mindy smiles to

herself.

So does Danny.

15 INT. SHULMAN & ASSOCIATES - BREAK ROOM - DAY

Mindy grabs her lunch from the fridge and sees Betsy, in a

KNITTED SWEATER, sitting at the table.

MINDY

How’d your date go?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 29.

BETSY

It was actually really, really

wonderful, Dr. L! We ate and then

went to catch a late movie --

BETSY

Captain Philips.

MINDY

Captain Philips.

BETSY (cont’d)

How’d you know?

MINDY

(shrugs)

Had a hunch.

Mindy leans on the counter.

MINDY

Betsy, I just wanted to apologize

for all those things I said. I

think I made you nervous about not

being alluring enough for Gregory.

(beat)

Obviously, that isn’t the case at

all.

She looks at Betsy’s sweater, which has a large SHIP on the

front. Betsy grins.

BETSY

But your example was perfect!

MINDY

Huh?

BETSY

Well, nothing you said that day

made sense --

Mindy looks hurt.

BETSY (cont’d)

-- but I just kept thinking about

how you and Cliff met.

Mindy looks up. We see that in her line of sight is Danny,

who is talking with Morgan at the front desk.

BETSY (O.S.)

You guys didn’t like each other in

the beginning. Cliff always saw you

in your scrubs. He was even dating

(MORE)

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 30.

BETSY (O.S.) (cont’d)someone else at the time. But...

you guys just make sense.

Mindy smiles at Betsy, but looks back up at Danny.

MINDY

...Yeah. Funny, right?

END ACT THREE

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 31.

TAG

16 INT. MINDY’S APARTMENT - NIGHT

NETFLIX is buffering on the TV screen. Mindy’s in pajamas,

rubbing lotion onto her hands and walking toward the couch.

Cliff is on the couch on his laptop.

CLIFF

"Looking for a little pizzazz?"

Mindy furrows her brow at him.

MINDY

What?

CLIFF

"Can you do three of any of the

following 10 moves done by Channing

Tatum in Magic Mike?"

Mindy’s eyes grow wide at the realization that he’s reading

from her old dating profiles.

CLIFF (cont’d)

"Are you the Matthew Crawley to my

Lady Mary?"

(beat)

What, were you trying to hit on

your cousins?

MINDY

Oh my GOD --

Mindy jumps onto the bed and scrambles for his laptop. Cliff

fends her off.

CLIFF

You really don’t delete anything,

do you?

END TAG