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Kalvi Kadal - June 15, 2016 Vol.5 No.8 13
I consider myself a very unfortunate person because I got a chance to read around 20-25 suicide notes of young, brilliant, beautiful and wonderful children. Am I giving so many adjectives to such children just because they committed suicide? I am sorry. The answer is no. They were in fact young, brilliant, beautiful and wonderful children.
A girl with an amazing command over English language in her suicide note (grammatically perfect 5-page suicide note with beautiful running handwriting) thanks her mother for giving up her career for raising the children. Subtle hint that she was pricked on this matter again and again. Another girl wants her grandmother to become her mother in her next birth. Another requests her parents to allow her younger sister to do what she likes and not what they like. One tells candidly that he was manipulated to study Science which was not his taste. Many simply write in fewer lines that they could not fulfil the expectations of their parents. Rather few say they were not really capable of doing what is being asked of them.
All of them thought that death was a much peaceful and effortless action than going through this dilemma of artificially doing what parents want them to do.
As they say, “Tip of the iceberg reveals little and hides mountains within.” Similarly, apparent suicide cases reflect small numbers but the reality is all those children who did not opt to take this extreme step but certainly are going through stress/worry/anxiety due to pressure on performance.
Many parents cannot believe after the disaster that it was their own child who took such a drastic measure and I don’t mean to hurt their sentiments any further but the reality is that the child was mentally looking for some blade of grass which a drowning man searches for. That blade of grass could have been your simple appreciation of his efforts. Your solacing words of comfort of asking him to do his best and forget the results. your absolute unconditioned appreciation of his extraordinariness.
Instead, what the child got was threats of performing still better. Psychological manipulation by repeat and re-telecasting of the hardships you have gone through for the sake of family. Comparison with better performers (neighbours, relatives, children of colleague, ancestors...could be anyone) sharing imagination on the loss/notional gain of social status being dependent on child’s performance.
I need to take a pause here since I hear many of you saying that kids do not like
open letter to all parents
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Kalvi Kadal - June 15, 2016 Vol.5 No.8 14
many things which are good for them. Well, let us try to see what all good things they resisted. Eating right, sleeping right, talking right, behaving right, seeing right, listening right, reading right etc. Child actually observes parents and never follows anything blindly.
Moreover, there is one thing which is certain. Child analyses and looks at the parents to see whether any of those things preached are followed by parents to begin with, and if so, whether their parents are really loving, joyful, peaceful, and happy by doing so. They tend to pick up only those habits of their parents that make the parents happy and peaceful. In case you have seriously messed up situations, your child may even not like you.
It may appear strange and extremely annoying. But there is a possibility of your child not liking you. This comes in many forms and shades. Absolute dislike, not liking few traits of yours, not liking you by comparing you with someone better, not liking you for your over-protective care and concern which you may think as love but is suffocating for the child, not liking you for your double standards, etc.
So, is it the objective of this letter to make you realise that your child dislikes you? Answer again is a big NO. Your child does not dislike you. I am just making a point that unconsciously we may have created such a situation, which we need to undo.
Parents really think good for their children’s future, but the point I need to make is that your dreams are always limited to your experience of what is good, what is successful, what is the best thing. Well, the truth is your child may surpass your imagination and reach places which you never even dreamed of.
Creating the right kind of atmosphere for the child to grow and flower in the home by making home a really happy, loving and peaceful place to live. Understanding the needs of the children. There are two extremes in this case. Making the child go through terrible hardships to realize “your” dreams is one extreme, and the other extreme is over-pampered care. Both of them definitely do not work.
Take time to switch from “teaching mode” to “learning mode” from the child. Children will show you the way to be really happy and peaceful at times. Instead of learning from them, we tend to always assume the role of teacher / preacher.
We certainly are not the benchmark for the child. Many a times, we may be regressive, rudimentary types in comparison to the ability of the child. Just a final thought. Are you interested in making the child realize “Your Dreams” at any cost, or should it be like creating such situations that the child realizes “His/Her” dreams?
(Dr. Ravi Kumar Surpur, IAS, is currently the District Collector of Kota, Rajasthan. Kota, as everyone knows, has become the nerve center of IIT
coaching in India. Dr. Ravi has written an open letter to all parents of young children in India. The letter is widely available on various news websites.)
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Kalvi Kadal - June 15, 2016 Vol.5 No.8 15
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Kalvi Kadal - June 15, 2016 Vol.5 No.8 16
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Kalvi Kadal - June 15, 2016 Vol.5 No.8 17
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Kalvi Kadal - June 15, 2016 Vol.5 No.8 18
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Kalvi Kadal - June 15, 2016 Vol.5 No.8 31
Tina Dabi of Delhi, a Dalit girl, is the topper of Civil Services Examination, 2015. In all, 1078 candidates were recommended by UPSC for two All India Services – IAS and IPS, and other Central Services, viz. IFS, IRS and ITS, among others. Tina has always been a mercurial young girl and has shown immense potential throughout her career. This result is a testimony of her determination. She has obviously selected for IAS as her first choice and Haryana as her first choice for cadre.
The UPSC Civil Services Examination is the most prestigious competitive examination of India. The Civil Services result for 2015 has reflected the true spirit of Indian secularism where the first ranker is a Hindu, the second is a Muslim and the third one is a Punjabi/Sikh. It has also again showed the growing clout of woman in the Indian Civil Services.
Tina was born in Bhopal. She shifted with her parents to Delhi when she was in class VII. Since then she is living Delhi only. She has done schooling from Convent of Jesus and Mary. Her mother Himani Dabi is an engineer while her father Jaswanth Dabi is working with the Department of Telecom. As a matter of fact, Himani Dabi had done B. Tech from NIT, Bhopal from where she was a topper. Tina has one younger sister, named Riya.
After completing her schooling, she
took admission in the Lady Sriram College of Commerce in 2011. She didn’t go for B.Com from here, rather she took admission in B. A. Political Science.
She has deep interest in the Constitution of India and the Indian politics from her school days. Her interest got reflection
in her very first year result where she was topper among of Delhi University in Political Science discipline.
Tina Dabi is also endowed with amazing oratory skill. In fact, she has been a profound debater since her school days. She was the Vice Speaker of Youth Parliament, 2012 where her performance was simply scintillating.
It is even more pleasant to see that Tina has cracked the exam in her very first attempt. And, she is only 22 years old. In that sense, if she continues to work as an IAS, someday she will become the Cabinet Secretary to the Government of India. There is no denying that Tina is an inspiration for Indian youths, particularly girls. Tina’s family is settled in Delhi.
As a matter of fact, Tina Dabi is a Dalit girl. Isn't it pleasant surprise that a Dalit girl topped the UPSC Civil Services Examination at the age of 22 years in her very first attempt? By caste, she is a Kamble, a Scheduled Caste.
She has proved that if opportunity is given, a dalit can excel in any field.
Tina Dabi, UPSC Topper
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Kalvi Kadal - June 15, 2016 Vol.5 No.8
R.N.I.Reg No. MAHBIL/2011/41221Published on 15th of every month
Kalvi kadal - Edited, Printed and Published by Mr. Mookkan Jeyam on behalf of Thiruvalluvar Foundation.Published from Kamban High School, Tambar Galli, Opp. ONGC Bldg., Dharavi, Mumbai -17 and