Jamie Smart - Ethical Influence With NLP - Manual

Ethical Influence With NLP - 1 - ©2004 Jamie Smart e: [email protected] t: 01455 445 705

Ethical Influence With NLP

Manual

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Table of Contents Persuasion & Influence? ..................................................................................3 Is it Ethical?......................................................................................................4 What is NLP?...................................................................................................5 The Fundamentals ...........................................................................................6 Presuppositions ...............................................................................................7 The Unconscious Mind ....................................................................................8 Rapport ............................................................................................................9 Outcomes & Directions ..................................................................................10 Sensory Acuity ...............................................................................................11 Representational Systems .............................................................................12 Representational System Predicates .............................................................13 Eye Accessing Cues ......................................................................................14 States.............................................................................................................15 Anchoring.......................................................................................................16 Pacing & Leading...........................................................................................17 Linkage words................................................................................................18 Powerful Language ........................................................................................19 Stories............................................................................................................22 Criteria ...........................................................................................................23 Instant Replay (Decision Strategies)..............................................................24 Asking for Miracles.........................................................................................25 Voice Control .................................................................................................26 Dealing with Objections .................................................................................27 Stacking Benefits ...........................................................................................29 Cialdini’s Six Principles of Influence...............................................................30 Questions.......................................................................................................31 Bibliography ...................................................................................................32 Reading & Resources ....................................................................................33 Peripheral Vision Expansion Exercise ...........................................................34 VAK Card Exercise ........................................................................................35


Persuasion & Influence? Persuasion and influence is the process of getting someone else to want to do, think or believe what you want them to. Whether you want someone to accept your ideas, your suggestion or your products / services, persuasion and influencing skills are the key. Persuasion & influence is not… • Bullying • Pressuring • Tricking • Deceiving Persuasion & influence is • Elegant • Smooth • Effective • Often undetectable Influences on this training This training draws on a number of different sources. The main source is Neuro-linguistic Programming (NLP), probably the most powerful communications technology in the world (see ‘What is NLP?’) Other sources include the following: • Ericksonian Hypnosis • Cialdini’s Six Principles of Influence • Chris Tomasulo’s ‘Covert Communication’ Model


Is it Ethical? The skills you will learn are neither ethical nor unethical – they are, however, very powerful. We suggest, therefore, that you follow these principles when you use them… Best interests Ensure that you have your own best interests and the best interests of the person you are persuading at heart. If you know that what you want them to do is going to be good for them and make them happy / healthy / wealthy then go for it. If in doubt, don’t! While it is possible to get people to do things against their best interests, they won’t make the same mistake twice, and they’ll tell lots of other people not to either. Believe in your product / service / idea Whether you are persuading someone of the value of your ideas, services or physical products, one thing is fairly certain: if you do not believe in it, neither will they. So make sure that you believe in whatever you want others to believe in. If you don’t, then either change your belief or change your product. Believe in yourself It is an old adage that ‘people buy people’, and the quickest way to get others to believe in you is to believe in yourself. There are many excellent resources available for developing your self-belief – we suggest you use them. Believe in the universe You can think of the mind as having two parts: a thinker and a prover. The thinker can think almost anything – the prover proves what the thinker thinks by filtering out information that doesn’t agree with it. For this reason, we suggest that you choose beliefs that support and help you, giving you a happy and fulfilling life. Einstein once said that the main question facing humanity was “Is the universe a friendly place?” We suggest that you decide to believe it is. It has been shown again and again that optimists live longer, happier more fulfilling lives than pessimists. Choose to be an optimist. Choose to believe that you can have more happiness, fun, excitement, adventure, money, pleasure and fulfilment in your life than you ever thought possible. This choice never disappoints!


What is NLP? Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) was developed starting in the early 1970s by Richard Bandler and John Grinder, when they set out to model the work of geniuses in the field of human communication and change. The term NLP is used to describe both the approach to modelling that they used, and the powerful models of communication and change they created (and have continued to develop.) It has been used to model some of the best persuaders and influencers in the world. In Whispering in the Wind (2001), Grinder & St.Clair describe it thus:

“(NLP) is a modelling technology whose specific subject matter is the set of differences that make the difference between the performance of geniuses and that of average performers in the same field or activity”

In the Society of NLP Trainer Training Manual (1999), Richard Bandler describes NLP as follows: “NLP is an attitude, characterised by the sense of curiousity and adventure and a desire to learn the skills to be able to find out what kinds of communication influences somebody and the kinds of things worth knowing; to look at life as a rare and unprecedented opportunity to learn. NLP is a methodology based on the overall operational presupposition that all behaviour has a structure…and that structure can be modelled, learned, taught and changed (re-programmed.) The way to know what will be useful and effective are the perceptual skills. NLP has evolved as an innovative technology enabling the practitioner to organise information and perceptions in ways that allow them to achieve results that were once inconceivable.” Neuro The nervous system, including the brain and the five senses. Linguistic The verbal & non-verbal language symbols with which we code & transmit meaning. Programming The ability to structure our neurological and linguistic systems to achieve certain results.


The Fundamentals The fundamentals of NLP are straightforward: 1. Know what you want (Outcome / Direction) One of the key NLP questions is ‘What do you want?’. The human nervous system can be thought of as goal-seeking, and you tend to get what you focus on. Well-formed outcomes are an important tool for ensuring that you get more of what you want in your life. 2. Get the attention of the unconscious mind (Rapport) “The map is not the territory.” You must start where the person you wish to influence is (the ‘Present State’.) Rapport is the process of getting the attention and trust of the unconscious mind. 3. Know whether you’re getting what you want (Sensory Acuity) Once you know where you want to go, you need to be able to notice (using one or more senses) whether or not you are going there. Sensory acuity refers to the ability to notice the signs that you are moving in the right direction (or otherwise.) 4. Adjust what you’re doing accordingly (Behavioural Flexibility) “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result.” When you notice that you are not getting what you want, you need the flexibility to change what you are doing in order to get a different result. “Intelligence is the ability to have a fixed goal and be flexible about how you achieve it.”


Presuppositions The following list is a selection of presuppositions or assumptions which have proved useful for persuasion & influence. They are not ‘true’, but can be very useful for successful communication. • The map is not the territory • People make the best choice available to them at the time • The meaning of the communication is the response you get. • There is no failure, only feedback • There is a solution to every problem • The one with the most flexibility of thought and action is most likely to

succeed • You can have whatever you want (if you help enough other people to get

what they want) • There is enough of everything to go round • People buy valued results


The Unconscious Mind A distinction has been drawn between the conscious and the unconscious mind. The conscious minds is great at:

• logical steps. • addition and subtraction. • talking to itself. • Making lists. • etc.

The conscious mind can (on average) hold between 5 – 9 things in awareness at once. Your unconscious is vast. An analogy would be that of a large dark warehouse packed with things. The conscious mind is a flashlight in that warehouse, highlighting only a tiny amount of what is available, yet able to focus intently on one thing or another. Your unconscious can be thought of as the warehouse, which stores everything you have ever experienced. Another analogy may be that all of you, every day are unconscious, the parts of you that you are aware of from moment to moment can be thought of as the conscious mind. Your unconscious:

• Is vast, it hears all, sees all, feels all. • Can remember everything that has ever happened to you. • Is vastly intelligent, always working for your benefit. • Can make vast intuitive leaps. • Is responsible for not only the basic functioning of your body, but also

how much you see, hear, smell, feel, taste from moment to moment.


Rapport Rapport has been described as what happens when we get the attention of someone’s unconscious mind, and meet them at ‘their map of the world.’ It is more commonly understood as the sense of ease and connection that develops when you are interacting with someone you trust and feel comfortable with. Rapport can be established on many levels: • speaking the same language • supporting the same team • having a common interest • wearing similar clothing

• breathing at the same rate • matching body language • matching voice tone

Rapport is a starting point for successful communication and influence, and the rapport built up with techniques such as matching and mirroring can give the impression of a deep sense of connection and trust (the basis of the ‘we like people who are like us’ school of influence.) Matching and mirroring often develop spontaneously, and are a good sign that you are in rapport with someone. Matching will develop rapport; mismatching will reduce it. When mirroring isn’t appropriate, you can build rapport by ‘cross-over mirroring’ (eg. Matching their breathing rate with your speech rate.) Try matching: • Body posture • Hand gestures • Half body • Head tilt

• Vocal qualities • Key phrases • Predicates • Eyeblinks

• Facial expression • Energy level • Breathing • Anything else…

A simple test for rapport is to make some simple movement, like scratching your nose. If they make a similar movement within the next minute, then you’ve developed rapport and led their behaviour. The basic rapport test is “if you lead, they follow.” ☺ Challenge: Discover how many different ways you can develop rapport

with people in your day to day life. NB – Choose low risk situations to experiment with at first.


Outcomes & Directions The human nervous system is ‘goal-seeking’ and will always tend to organise around a specific result or set of results. These results are referred to in NLP as ‘outcomes’. A well-formed outcome or direction has the following attributes: 1. Stated in the positive (“What do you want?”) Negatives are not processed by the nervous system in the same way that they are linguistically (eg. The command “Don’t think of a purple hippopotamus” is difficult to obey.) It is therefore most effective to state any desired outcome or direction in the positive. 2. Sensory evidence (“How will you know when you’ve got it?”) The outcome should be evidenced in terms of what you will see, feel and hear when you’ve got it (at the very minimum.) This gives the nervous system a rich representation of the desired result. 3. Initiated & maintained by the individual who wants it It is not possible to control the behaviour and internal states of other people; we are only responsible for our own behaviour and internal states. Well-formed outcomes cannot be dependent on the behaviours and emotions of other people. They must initiated and maintained by the person who wants the outcome / direction. 4. Preserves the positive by-products of the current situation Every behaviour and every current situation (including ‘problem’ states) has some positive intention, often outside of conscious awareness. It is important to maintain this in the desired state / situation. 5. Ecological The desired outcome must be appropriate to the wider system to which the individual belongs. It is important to examine how it will affect (eg.) family, friends, colleagues, financial situation, time availability, sense of self etc. ☺ Challenge: Discover how many areas of your life can become more

effortless and enjoyable as you begin to structure what you want using the well-formed outcome conditions.


Sensory Acuity “Watch and listen!” This is one of the main ‘secrets’ to becoming highly skilled at NLP. The processes taking place inside a person’s mind are reflected to a greater or lesser extent on the outside, in such phenomena as: • Body posture • Hand gestures • Head tilt • Vocal qualities (tone, rate,

volume etc) • Key phrases • Sensory predicates • Eye-blinks • Pupil dilation • Rapid eye movement • Facial expression • Facial symmetry / asymmetry • Lower lip size

• Energy level • Breathing rate • Breathing patterns • Skin colour • Muscle tonus • Pore dilation • Sentence length • Non-verbal utterances • Involuntary movements • Metaphors • Anything else you can perceive!

You can train your senses to perceive more and more of what is happening in the other person – distinctions that would previously have been ‘invisible’.

Tip: Minimise your internal dialogue by breathing deeply, relaxing your throat muscles, placing the tip of your tongue just behind your upper front teeth and letting your jaw drop slightly. You’ll see and hear more! If your internal dialogue interrupts your awareness, say “Shut the &*!% up!” inside your head.” Repeat as necessary.

☺ Challenge: Choose a different area of behaviour from the list above to

pay attention to every day. Notice how quickly it’s possible for you to begin seeing and hearing more and more that was previously invisible.


Representational Systems According to the Concise Oxford Dictionary to represent something is to call up in the mind by description, portrayal or imagination. Representational systems (rep systems) are the means by which human beings are able to do this. In the Neuro Hypnotic RepatterningTM Manual (2000), Richard Bandler and John La Valle offer the following description: “Human beings experience themselves and the world they live in through the primary modalities of the five senses…Seeing, Hearing, Feeling, Smelling and Tasting. The sensory modalities by which people encode, organise, store, and attach meaning to perceptual input are referred to as REPRESENTATIONAL SYSTEMS. As sensory input is internally processed (re-presented), it is translated into corresponding sensory representations (or maps) that constitute a likeness or synthesis of the original perceptual input. This may seem obvious, yet very important to remember..."reality” and out perceptions of “reality” are not the same…The Map is not the Territory.” When people are ‘thinking’, they are using representational systems to do so. By paying attention to the things people are doing and saying, it is possible to get intuitions about which representational systems are in consciousness at a given point in time, and which ones are out of consciousness. These intuitions will give you additional choices as a communicator. Clues to which representational systems are being used to process can be found by paying attention to: • Spoken language (see ‘Representational System Predicates’) • Eye movements (see ‘Eye Accessing Cues’) • Hand gestures • Breathing • Head position • Voice tone • Voice pace ☺ Challenge: Become curious about how many different ways you can

find to figure out the rep systems someone else is favouring.


Representational System Predicates One of the easiest ways for you to get a sense of the rep system someone is favouring at a point in time is through their language. As you become more aware of the ‘sensory specific’ words that people use, you will begin to become more sensitised to the rep system they are most aware* of using to process at that moment. Below are some examples of words that indicate a particular rep system. Visual (see) See, perspective, view, focus, look, light, clear Auditory (hear) hear, sound, say, tell, talk, tone, ring, click, clear Kinaesthetic (feel) Feel, handle, grip, hold, heavy, light, hang, light Olfactory (smell) smell, scent, stink, essence, rotten, odour, sweet Gustatory (taste) Taste, sour, bland, tasty, tangy, sharp, salty, sweet You will also notice people using turns of phrase that indicate certain preferences, for instance: • That rings a bell; we just clicked; do you hear what I’m saying • I see what you mean; look at it from my point of view • It feels good to me; get a handle on this • I smell a rat • Just give me a flavour of this When you use language from the same rep system(s) that the person you are communicating with is using, it creates more trust and rapport. If you mismatch their rep systems, it will diminish the level of trust and rapport. ☺ Challenge: Start noting down the words and phrases that you see and

hear other people using and that you feel indicate a particular rep system preference.

* You will discover that many people are not consciously aware that they are using rep systems. If you have some purpose for making them aware of this, do it gently!


Eye Accessing Cues You may have noticed that when people are ‘thinking’, their eyes often move. These movements correspond to certain mental activities and, while each person’s specific eye movements are unique to them, a general pattern has been observed (see diagram.) This diagram shows the ‘standard’ eye accessing positions for a person facing you, ie. what you would see as you look at them. Position Description Elicitation Example Visual Remembered

Remembered images. • “Remember what you saw on your last holiday.” • “What colour is your front door?”

Visual Constructed

‘Invented’ images, future images.

• “Imagine your best friend with purple hair.” • “Imagine a giraffe with the head of a rhino.”

Auditory Remembered

Recalled sounds. • “Recall your favourite person’s voice.” • “Hear a song you like.”

Auditory Constructed

‘Invented’ sounds. • “Hear a cat miaowing the national anthem.” • “Say your name backwards.”

Internal Dialogue

Talking to themselves. • “Tell yourself that you can enjoy learning easily.” • “Who was your last phone conversation with?”

Kinaesthetic Feelings and emotions. • “Can you feel your socks on your feet?” • “How do you feel when you laugh?”

Tip: Make sure you are looking at the person when you elicit eye

accessing (or any other) responses – these can go by fast.

Visual Constructed

Visual Remembered

Auditory Constructed

Auditory Remembered

Kinaesthetic Internal Dialogue


States States are configurations of physiology and neurology, body and mind. The following words can be thought of as descriptions of certain states: • Love • Happiness • Confidence • Sadness • Joy

• Creativity • Flow • Nervousness • Amusement • Affection

• Fear • Focus • Comfort • Relaxation • Trance

Each of these words describes a different experience for each person. Problems & Solutions When people are experiencing a specific problem, there is typically a state associated with that problem. Similarly, when a person finds a solution, or experiences the resource they need to provide that solution, it too is usually ‘wrapped’ in a state. For this reason, the ability to alter your own or someone else’s state is very useful. External Signs There are usually external signals that accompany a particular state. When you imagine someone who is feeling ecstatic, they are likely to look different to someone who is feeling down. These differences are also likely to be evident in voice analogues (eg. Tone, volume) and many other external signals. Eliciting States You can experience any state that you have felt at some point in your life. One way to do this is to think of a time when you had the state you want, then step into the experience. See what you saw, hear what you heard and feel what you felt – you will start to sense the state building. You can then ‘anchor’ this experience (see ‘Anchoring’) by squeezing your thumb & forefinger together and saying the name of the state, just before it peaks. You can then re-access the state by firing this anchor.

Tip: If you want someone else to access a great state (Eg. Excitement), go there first yourself.

☺ Challenge: How many great states can you build & anchor?


Anchoring An anchor is any representation in the human nervous system that triggers any other representation. For instance, the word ‘lion’ will immediately trigger images, sounds etc associated with the word lion. The word ‘chocolate’ will trigger different associations. These words are anchors. Anchors can operate in any representation system. Some examples: • tonal (eg. the special way a certain person has of saying your name) • tactile (eg. The effect of a certain type of handshake) • visual (eg. The way people respond to certain items of clothing) • olfactory (eg. The effect of smelling fresh lemons) • gustatory (eg. The taste of your favourite food) Once again, an anchor is any representation in the human nervous system that triggers any other representation. It is conceptually similar to Pavlovian conditioning (ie. bells and salivating dogs), with the exception that it is often possible to set an anchor with a single trial. Setting anchors Anchoring is particularly useful for helping people to recreate certain states. In order to get a ‘strong’ anchor for the state, it is important to a) ensure that you have a powerful example of the state to work with b) anchor in as many rep systems as possible c) set the anchor just before the state peaks d) fire the anchor accurately. Precision counts!

Tip: When you (or someone you are with) are experiencing something you want to have more of, anchor it.

☺ Challenge: Practice setting and firing anchors with the people you

meet from day to day. Choose a different rep system each day and notice how many naturally occurring anchors you can find.


Pacing & Leading Whenever you set out to influence someone, there is great value in meeting them at their ‘map of the world’ before you start the process of leading them somewhere new. In NLP, this process is referred to as ‘pacing and leading’; making statements (for instance) about the current ‘reality’ for an individual or group before directing their attention somewhere else. For example… Every Friday at 7am, I used to go to a business networking group (BNI) where I would get the opportunity to do a 60 second ‘commercial’ for services that I offer. I would often start my commercial with something like the following: “We’re here at BNI, it’s Friday morning, and it’s early, and you may be

wondering what I’m going to tell you about today… because we’ve all come here for a reason, and the reason is to build our businesses, so I know you’re going to be interested in helping me build mine etc… ”

On the face of it, this is a fairly ordinary intro, but as you look more closely at the way the statements are structured, you may begin to notice that there is a mixture of things that are ‘true’ and things that are more ‘speculative’. ‘True’ – Pacing ‘Speculative’ – Leading • We’re here • it’s Friday morning • it’s early • we’ve come here for a reason • the reason is to build our

businesses

• you may be wondering what I’m going to tell you about today

• I know you’re going to be interested in helping me build mine

When pacing and leading is done elegantly, it is possible to move from saying mostly things which are ‘verifiably true’ to saying mostly things which are ‘made up’ without the listener(s) noticing the transition. The overall shape / structure is as follows: Pace – pace – pace - lead Pace – pace – lead – lead Pace – lead – lead – lead Lead – lead – lead – lead… (+an occasional pace) Pacing and leading often sounds ‘clunky’ at first, but as you practice it more and more, you’ll begin to find yourself doing it spontaneously, without even planning it consciously.


Linkage words Linkage words are very useful because it’s good to be able to talk in a way that seems to make sense and has the effects of seeming to be a selection of connected ideas, because the conscious mind likes to make sense of things. Linkage words are literally any word that can be used to connect two sentences or ideas together: e.g. “Linkage words are useful because it’s good to be able to talk in a way that seems to make sense.” “You can understand these things easily because as a child you learned to walk and talk” It’s not always true that because someone learned to walk and talk that they will find learning these things easier, yet somehow it’s more difficult to disagree with than if someone said: “You learned to walk and talk as a child, you’ll find this easy” “And I know that as you consider these things, some things will begin to become apparent” Beginning a sentence with a linkage word has a strange effect doesn’t it? “As you think about what that might be, allow your unconscious to learn amazingly quickly, because it’s good to relax in to things. And as your consciousness considers the possibilities, let your unconscious do the work. Because your unconscious is powerful, and it’s always doing the very best for you, isn’t it?” Simply adding “because”, “and”, “as” into the above paragraph turns it from a collection of relatively random, yet useful, sentences into a coherent whole. With the effect of it being mildly trancy too, isn’t it? Using linkage words in Pacing and Leading, as in every form of persuasion will make it much easier to take someone where you want them to go.


Powerful Language Language is one of the most profound influences on the way human beings shape their reality. Your ability to use language skilfully with intention will become one of the most powerful influencing ‘tools’ you possess. Language is processed by your unconscious. As people listen to words, they make pictures, sounds, feelings, tastes & smells in order to make sense of the words. While people often believe they are in conscious control of the decisions they make, the unconscious has much more to do with it than they think. It is possible to communicate directly with a person’s unconscious mind, bypassing the conscious mind. The following language patterns are some examples of how ‘indirect hypnosis’ can be applied to gently persuade people in influence situations. NB – make sure you have rapport before you use these patterns. Quotes Milton Erickson used to say “Use quotes to tell people what to do.” When you put something in quotes, it gets attributed to someone else. When you put a command in quotes, it gets processed by the unconscious, but not by the conscious. When Bandler & Grinder said “Learn to use quotes immediately”, they knew what they were talking about. As soon as I realised the power of quotes, I said to myself “Start using quotes in everything you do.” Embedded commands You can embed a command in a larger sentence – just think of what you want someone to do, make it into a command, then create a larger sentence that can contain it. (Eg. “When I first decided to, you know, learn to embed commands, I was excited by the prospect.” or “I remember last time you decided to give me a pay rise, I was really made up!” Analogue marking You can enhance embedded commands by marking them out with some other behaviour (Eg. shift in voice tone, raised eyebrows, a touch etc). You can even mark out different words in one or more sentences (Eg. I really hope my time off will give me a chance to look at the high rise apartment being built next door.” or “I think the time you’ve spent on this is a sign now that we can explore some exciting opportunities.) Negation Negation allows you to say outrageously overt things without taking responsibility for them. Hooray! Don’t start thinking about how useful this could be yet, because we’ve hardly started to explore it. Negatives are not processed by the nervous system in the same way that they are linguistically (eg. The command “Don’t think of a purple hippopotamus” is difficult to obey.)


So if you’re going to use them, use them to send someone somewhere useful. (Eg. “Don’t start thinking about how much fun you’re going to have with this, because we’ve got a lot more info to get through.” or “I wouldn’t ask you to only focus on our strengths, because that would be unfair.”) Benefit headlining Would you like to know how you can get people to pay 75% more attention to what you say? Put a headline in front of it. If you use a headline (just like a newspaper does) that contains a valuable benefit for the person you are influencing, they will be much more likely to listen to what follows. If you frame it as a question, you can get immediate feedback on how interested they will be (see the first line of this paragraph.) Tag questions ‘Tag questions’ are the name for the small phrases like “isn’t it”, “aren’t they” etc that people sometimes add to the end of sentences. When someone adds a tag question, it makes the sentence difficult to disagree with, doesn’t it. And it’s useful to be able to make things tough to disagree with, is it not. I’m sure you can think of lots of situations where tag questions could be useful, can’t you. If you combine the tag question with a slow head nod and command tone down (see Voice Control), it becomes almost irresistible, doesn’t it. Linkage There are a number of useful patterns to learn, and linkage is one of the most powerful, because it allows you to create a smooth flow in your language while the other person becomes entranced with what you are saying. Use words such as as, and, while, because etc to create linkage between words & phrases, and you’ll create a smooth flow for the listener, because it’s nice to listen to someone who’s easy to listen to, isn’t it. Ambiguity English is a very ambiguous language, and using ambiguity can induce mild confusion, as well as allowing you to say things that can process in multiple ways. There are four kinds of ambiguity in the English language: • Phonological – meaning two words that sound the same but mean different

things. As eye right this ewe can sea watt eye mean. • Punctuation – Where two phrases are combined to make a run-on sentence

can be strange to hear at first. • Syntactic – Because persuading persuaders can be tricky. And influencing

skills can be enjoyable. And learning ambiguities can be fun. • Scope – Ambiguous words and phrases sometimes are part of a scope

ambiguity where it is unclear which parts of a sentence an adjective applies to. Eg. “I spoke to the clever women and men.” It is unclear whether the word clever applies to both the women & the men, or just the women.


Analogue marking You can mark out phrases in your communication, using any perceivable behaviour, such as facial expressions, eyebrow movements, voice tone change, a gesture etc. The unconscious will process the marked out element of what you are saying as a separate communication, outside conscious awareness. Merely choose the covert communication you wish to mark out, then do it! By now, you probably can begin to see how this could be used. Presupposition One of things that you’ll begin to notice as you start to use become more aware of language is the power of presuppositions. A presupposition is something that must be accepted as true for the sentence to make sense. To use presuppositions, think of what you want your influencee to accept as fact, then construct a sentence that presupposes it. You can stack presuppositions to make them even more difficult to resist. One of the things you’ll really start to become aware of as you continue to practice these more and more is just how much fun you can have with them! Embedded questions An embedded question is merely a question embedded in a larger structure. If you are in rapport with someone, they will respond unconsciously to a question embedded in a larger structure, as though it was asked directly. For example, if I want to know if someone is ready to close, I might say “With some people I’ll just get a feeling that I can ask ‘Are you ready to do a deal’, but with others, they have more questions to ask.” When I say the ‘Are you ready to do a deal’ bit, I watch for unconscious responses (eg. head nod) – then I know whether they’re ready or not. Rhetorical questions Do you like to feel good? Rhetorical questions are questions that don’t require an answer, but generate ‘yes’ responses. Use them to get people saying yes from the outset. Time You can use language to shift people’s awareness through time. Back before you started this training, you may not have believed that was so, but now, as you consider just how much you’ve learned, you may start to become curious about the many ways that you can, in the future, start to become more comfortable using language in this way. When you imagine yourself six months from now, having really learned how to use these patterns skilfully, you can look back to the present and realise just how far you’ve come.

Tip: Get a ringbinder with a section for each of these patterns then practice writing out examples pertinent to your influence goals. You will be amazed at how powerful this will be.


Stories Stories and metaphors are some of the most powerful tools for influence and persuasion. When you tell someone a story, they look to their own experience to make sense of it. Better yet, they tend to let down their conscious shields when you start telling a story. You can use stories to… • Pace people’s experience • Put people at their ease • Amplify a potential risk of not making a certain decision. • Captivate their attention • Change the meaning of something (Eg. an objection) • Tell them how / what to think about something • Get them to access certain resources (eg. decisiveness) • Act as camouflage for nifty language (Eg. embedded commands) • Get people to drop their guard • Get them to imagine themselves enjoying your proposition • Etc etc etc I remember when I first started studying NLP. I was reading a book about using NLP in the workplace, and it mentioned metaphor and storytelling. I thought “I don’t know any stories”, but my partner said to me “Everything in your life is a story, it just depends how you look at it.” I started to think about it, then I said to myself “You know lots of stories, you just never thought about them that way before.” I started to make a list of all the experiences I’d had that could be told as a story. There were hundreds of them. Now I use them all the time! Stories are like gestures or eye movements – they’re there all the time, it’s just a matter of noticing them. When someone has a certain problem or need, a story about someone else who had that problem or need and had it solved will be very powerful – use this fact to streamline your persuasion.

Tip: Start making a list of the stories you already know. Events that have happened to you or your friends, films you’ve seen, stories you’ve heard: all of these count.


Criteria Every person has things which are important to them. At a high level, we refer to these as values (eg. freedom, security, adventure), but people also have ‘values’ within a given context. These are referred to as criteria. Ask a person “What is important to you in your work?” and they will tell you what their criteria are for their work (Eg. helping people, doing a good job, money.) Ask the same person what is important to them when choosing somewhere to live, and you are likely to get different criteria, because the context is different. Criteria are context-dependent. A person’s criteria in an influence situation are their ‘hot buttons’ within that context. If a person is buying insurance, and says “flexibility, portability and reliability” are what’s most important to them, then those specific words are anchors for their criteria in that context. When you want to let the person know how what you’re offering or suggesting gives them benefit, USE THEIR EXACT CRITERIA WORDS & PHRASES (in a subtle way) to let them know you understand. So, how do you elicit peoples’ criteria? The first way is just to listen, and you’ll hear them jump out (“We went to Greece last year & the place we stayed was so CONVENIENT, right next to the airport.”) The second way is to tell stories that refer to your criteria in the context. Many people will tell a related story about themselves that reveals their criteria. The third way is to use specific questions to elicit someone’s criteria in a context, such as: • “What’s important to you about [context]?” • “What do you look for in a [context]?” Once you have someone’s criteria, you can unpack them by asking someone “How do you know when you’ve got [criteria]?” They’ll give you information about their process or equation that allows them to know they’ve got that criteria. If they go ‘inside’, ask “What has to happen for you to get that?” For example… Q: How do you know when you’ve got freedom?” A: I just get a great feeling inside. Q: What has to happen for you to get that? A: I need to know that I can make my own decisions. Let them know how what you’re offering satisfies their criteria.


Instant Replay (Decision Strategies) Human beings are very patterned, and most people make important decisions in the same way every time. Want to know how you can find out how to persuade someone to make a decision in your favour? First, find out how they make that sort of decision, then structure your communication accordingly. The process a person uses for making a decision is their ‘decision strategy’. To find what someone’s decision strategy is in a given context, just ask how they did it last time… “I’d like you to think of one of the times you made this sort of decision and, every time you think of it, you know it was a good decision. [wait for confirmation] How did you decide that?” At this point WATCH & LISTEN as they run you through their decision strategy. Things to pay attention to include: • Sensory language • Criteria • Number & content of the steps • Gestures • Eye movements Once you know what the strategy is, you can structure your persuasion process in the same way. NB: It is important to elicit the strategy they used for something they are

happy with.


Asking for Miracles One of my favourite ways of persuading someone when there is limited time is to get in rapport & then ask the following question: “What would have to have happened by the end of this session for you

to say ‘Jamie, I want you to come & work with me & my team?’” In order to answer the question, the person has to imagine getting to the end of the session & being delighted (which is just where I want them) then gives me some criteria for getting there. This approach can be particularly useful for people offering professional services, where the session is (to some extent) an opportunity for them to demonstrate the services they are offering. I once used this approach with the VP for Sales of a blue-chip company. I had never met him before, and managed to get an hour with him. I asked him the above question, then I watched & listened. He briefly accessed a certain state then said “I’d have to get something I could use to remain calm in difficult situations.” He had already shown me how he accessed that state, so it was fairly straightforward for me to get him back into it, anchor it, then close the deal!


Voice Control Your voice is probably your most powerful tool as a persuader. Your ability to speak with flexibility and control can have dramatic results. You can practice learning to control & vary… • Tone • Pitch • Rate • Rhythm • Volume • Timbre • and many other voice ‘analogues’ As you start to listen more closely to other people speak, you will begin to recognise the differences in the ways other people speak. While matching their voice analogues can be powerful for building rapport, there are some other key features which are also good to know: Command tone down The pitch & tone of voice you use toward the end of a sentence determines at a deep unconscious level what ‘kind’ of sentence it is: • Rising pitch gets processed as a question. • Level pitch gets processed as a statement. • Descending pitch gets processed as a command. Which do you think is most useful to use when making suggestions to the people you wish to influence?


Dealing with Objections The idea of objections is a natural part of the persuasion process, and you have a choice about when to deal with them. They tell you about what your influence subject is thinking, & can give you information about their needs. You can deal with objections… • before they arise, or… • after they arise Dealing with objections before they arise The great advantage of dealing with objections before they arise is…they never arise! Here’s how you do it:

• Predict the objection or objections that your influencee is most likely to have, then either…

• Deal with it in advance using the OBJECTION COUNTERMEASURESTM detailed below, or…

• State the objection in an unpleasant tonality (whining, for instance), eg. “Some people say ‘oooohhhh that’s so much money’ but I know that you appreciate the value that you’re going to get from this.”

It’s as simple as that. Unconsciously, no-one wants to associate themselves with the whiny voice, so they disassociate themselves from their objection. Now, I’ve taught this method to a number of people, and some of them say (hear this in a really unpleasant tone) – “I can’t imagine myself using that silly tone of voice when I talk to my customers” but I know that you can already appreciate just how powerful this is going to be for you. NB – This is one place where bad tonality is really important – this method of inoculating against objections relies on it. Allow yourself to start to identify in advance the objections your influence subject is likely to have, then defuse them with a whiny voice. ☺ Challenge: Identify the main objections you get and practice stating

them in a whiny / bad tonality voice. Then build your intuition by guessing what objections you will get from an individual and use this approach to inoculate against them.


Dealing with objections after they arise If an objection does arise, here’s a meta-pattern you can use to deal with it:

1) Check that you’re in rapport. If you are, great. If not, re-establish rapport through matching & mirroring.

2) Pace the objection (Eg. if someone says “it’s too expensive” you

can say “I understand you think it’s too expensive”)

3) Find the intent & gather information. Find the positive intent behind the objection. Also, establish whether or not it’s the real objection (Eg. “If we can resolve this cost issue, can we go ahead with the deal?”) If price isn’t the real objection, they’ll tell you what it really is. Gather the information you need to help them solve their problem.

4) Apply OBJECTION COUNTERMEASURESTM. Choose the one of the

countermeasures and apply it. OBJECTION COUNTERMEASURESTM Here are some of the most powerful countermeasures to use once you have identified a genuine objection: • Safe Space – Get them to imagine a future where the objection doesn’t

apply. People will sometimes express interest in one of my courses, then say “I can’t afford it.” I’ll say “If money were no object, what benefits would you get from coming on this course?” This gives them a safe space to imagine coming on it and feel good. It’s much easier to influence someone when they are in a safe space!

• Reframing – When you reframe someone’s objection, you change it’s

meaning. I once heard the objection “I’m worried – What if I train my people and then they leave.” The response: “Even worse, what if you don’t train your people and they stay.” Find a way to change the meaning of someone’s objection.

• Metaphor – A metaphor can be a powerful way to overturn an objection.

Tell them a story about someone else who had that objection & overcame it, giving their reasons. Metaphor can be a powerful reframing tool.


Stacking Benefits People buy benefits. When you are setting out to persuade or influence someone, it is a matter of stacking up the benefits (highly valued ‘pluses’ they get as a result of going your way) and anti-benefits (‘minuses’ they risk as a result of not going your way) so that they decide to go with your suggestion. Many of the tools and techniques in this training will help you to smooth the passage, but benefits & anti-benefits provide the motivation.

It is your job as a persuader to identify the person’s problems, needs, wants & desires & find a way that what you are offering can satisfy them,

then communicate it to them. Simple enough. In addition to the benefits a person states, there are also what Chris Tomasulo refers to as ‘hidden wants & needs’. Alongside ‘hidden fears’, they are very powerful in influencing someone’s decisions. People Like (hidden wants / needs)

People Don’t Like (hidden fears)

• The familiar / predictable • Winning • Feeling clever or superior • Being seen to make a smart move

• The unknown • Losing out • Feeling stupid • Being seen to make a mistake • Cost

Objections can often result from people’s hidden needs & fears – they won’t mention them, but they’re there. You can find ways to alleviate people’s unspoken fears & needs. Ideally, address them before they ever get a chance to cause you problems. If you get a rejection from someone after establishing credibility, it is either because you haven’t stacked up the benefits, or because you haven’t addressed the hidden needs & fears.


Cialdini’s Six Principles of Influence In Robert Cialdini’s excellent book Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion he identifies six principles of influence that operate on human beings at a level below conscious awareness, as follows: • Reciprocity – When we do something for someone else, they feel a sense

of debt towards us. If you have something of value you can legitimately give to your influence subject, then do so. When they say thanks, say “You’d do the same for me” to harness the reciprocity in the situation.

• Liking / Likeness – We like people who are like us – this is part of the

power of rapport. Find elements of likeness with another person, & you will build trust. Also, find something you like about them, and focus on it. It feels good to be with someone who likes you!

• Scarcity – People can be motivated by scarcity. If they think there is a

limited amount of something, they will want it more. This is heightened if there is competition for the scarce resource. If there are legitimate scarcities in your influence domain, tell people about it & reap the rewards (while supplies last.)

• Authority / Credibility – People will respond more favourably to your

message when you have credibility or authority. Find ways to build your credibility, establish yourself as an expert, let people know about your qualifications. When presenting your case, admit a weakness or limitation first – this also builds credibility.

• Consistency – People like what’s familiar. When you demonstrate

consistency, people respond. You can also use the fact that people don’t like to appear ‘flaky’. Find a way to get someone to ‘go on record’ about something, and they will be more likely to stick to it in future.

• Social Proof – Many people tend to do what others are doing, hence the

power of testimonials. Always find ways to show your influencee how other people have benefited.

☺ Challenge: Identify where these six principles are already available to

you within your existing persuasion contexts, then start to capitalise on them.


Questions Questions are extremely powerful, and guide people’s awareness in certain directions. The more questions you ask, the more opportunities you get to watch, listen & strategise based on the patterns they are showing you. As usual, rapport counts – have the questioning be gentle, not Paxmanesque. You can ease into the questions with softeners like ‘I understand, and…’ or ‘That’s interesting…’. Here are some powerful questions: Understanding the current situation • What are the major issues you are facing at the moment? • If you could change anything about your current service, what would it be? • What problems do you find with doing it this way? • How are your expectations not yet being met?

Establishing Needs, Wants, Desires • What do you want? • How will you know you’ve got it? What will you see, feel & hear? • If you woke up tomorrow & everything was just as you’d like it to be, how

would you know? Amplifying awareness of problems • What will things be like in (eg.) twelve months if you do nothing? • What are you least happy with about your current (eg.) supplier? Amplifying possibility • What would have to happen for this to massively exceed your expectations?


Bibliography Neuro Hypnotic RepatterningTM Manual, Richard Bandler and John La Valle, Society of NLP, 2001 Whispering In The Wind, John Grinder & Carmen Bostic St. Clair, J & C Enterprises, 2001 Society of NLP Trainer Training Manual, Richard Bandler, McKenna Breen, 1999


Reading & Resources Persuasion & Influence (order the books at www.saladltd.co.uk) • Persuasion Engineering, Bandler & La Valle: NLP and sales – from two

masters in the field. • Influence: The Science of Persuasion, Robert Cialdini: Cialdini’s seminal

work on influence & persuasion. • Unlimited Selling Power, Moine & Lloyd: The patterns of Ericksonian

hypnosis applied, pattern by pattern, to sales. • Magic Words That Bring You Riches, Ted Nicholas: A legendary direct

marketer - great info on headlines, letters, brochures etc. • Words That Change Minds, Shelle Rose Charvet: The power of

metaprograms, explained in a simple & straightforward way. • Positioning: The Battle for Your Mind, Ries & Trout: Seminal marketing

work – a bit out of fashion now but still brilliant. • www.emofree.com – Gary Craig’s website with the free Emotional

Freedom Therapy manual you can download. Great for clearing ‘sales call reluctance’.

• www.covertcommunication.com – Chris Tomasulo’s persuasion

newsletter. NLP (Introductory) • Frogs Into Princes, Bandler & Grinder: The first ‘popular’ NLP book, this is

a transcript of a number of seminars given by Bandler and Grinder, and really captures their attitude and gives a very solid look at many of NLP’s key elements.

• NLP: The New Technology of Achievement, NLP Comprehensive:

A bumper crop of ‘personal development’ NLP techniques and some background about the field.

• Unlimited Power, Anthony Robbins: A good overview of many of the areas

and techniques of NLP, as well as a lot of other good personal development material.

• Trance-formations, Bandler & Grinder: NLP & the structure of Ericksonian

hypnosis – excellent.


Peripheral Vision Expansion Exercise

Done in groups of 3. Choose an A, B and C.

1. A and B stand shoulder to shoulder facing C and about 1meter away from C.

2. C look at a point in between A & B’s shoulders.

3. A & B begin to move your outside arms in slow smooth movements.

Stay in one plane, no forward or backward movement. And vary the pattern so that C cannot learn it.

4. C keeps looking at the point in between A & B’s shoulder. As C does so

S/he moves their arms in time with A & B’s.

5. A & B, the object of the exercise for you is to train C to be able to do this really well. So if you see that C is not following your movements accurately, slow down your movements until C can keep up. Always keep C at the edge of their comfort zone.

6. C will not be able to keep both arms in time if S/he looks directly at one

arm or the other. It is only possible to do this exercise in Peripheral vision.

7. Rotate so that everyone gets a go at being A, B & C.


VAK Card Exercise Copy the cards that you’ll find in the back of this manual; In groups of four - six: A, B, C, D, (E), (F). Part 1 For this you’ll need to put two chairs facing each other.

1. A & B are going to sit facing each other having a conversation about something that excites them.

2. C stand behind A’s chair with a deck of VAKOG cards. D stand behind B’s chair with another deck of VAKOG cards

3. A & B simply start having a 2 way conversation. 4. When C hears A use a sensory word (see below) S/he flashes up the

appropriate Visual, Auditory, Kinaesthetic, Olfactory or Gustatory card next to A’s head, so that B can see it.

5. D do the same for B

If you have a person E/F it’s their job to stand at the side and watch and listen to the conversation between A & B and provide assistance to C & D when necessary.

6. Rotate so that everyone in the group has a chance in each position.

Part 2 Repeat part one. A & B notice which cards are being shown to you more and attempt to guide the conversation to use even more sensory words.

Visual Auditory Kinaesthetic Olfactory Gustatory

• Look, see

• Imagine

• Visualise

• Focus

• Brilliant • Bright

• Hear

• Sound

• Listen

• Ring

• Buzz • Recall

• Feel

• Grasp

• Hold

• Push

• Drive • Tough

• Smell

• Sweet

• Rotten

• Fishy

• Fragrance • Funky

• Taste

• Bitter

• Sweet

• Sharp

• Salty • Bland


Rep System

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Jamie Smart - Ethical Influence With NLP - Manual

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