Issue #T-1

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Issue #T-1

Interview

Nick Helm

The Brighton Stand-up Comedy Magazine

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Cover Pic: Amy Brammall

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Hello ladies, gentlemen and everyone in between -Welcome to the very first issue of GIRAFFEBrighton’s only magazine dedicated entirely to stand-up comedy – And it’s FREE.There is an overabundance of comic talent and comedy nights in and around Brighton that need your love and attention, so our main aim here at GIRRAFE mag HQ is to help promote that talent, showcase local comedians work and keep you up to date with the underground comedy circuit as well as the big names in town.Most importantly our aim is to celebrate humour in all of its forms and there’s no better place than in Brighton.

When the whole world is handing us lemons - let’s make a meringue

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ContentsContributors

The Amusing Brothers 4

New Act Interview 4

History of Brighton Comedy 6

Woman Facts #1 8

Nick Helm Interview 10

Guy Lloyds Favourites 12

Terrestrial’s Not Dead 12

CoverJudger 13

Ben Asks Brighton 14

Comedy Writing Tips 14

Listings + Map 16

The Relentless Nature of Phil 18

I’m On The Bus 18

Fraser Geesin

Julie Oliver

Katheryn Spencer

Phill Lucas

Fraser Geesin

Guy Lloyd

Graham Stoner

Ed Moore

Lee Mizzi

Georgeana Parsons

Nathan Kail - Editor

How MANy GIG’S HAvE you HAd?I’ve done 6 gigs now, and have 8 more lined up.

How dId you FEEL BEFoRE, duRING ANd AFtER youR FIRSt GIG?I was really nervous before my first gig as I had invited friends along. There were also people I have made friends with on the comedy scene, who I knew would be keen to see what I was like, so I definitely felt a certain amount of pressure. However, I took some deep breaths, asked myself what was the worst that could happen, and reminded myself to give each joke some welly, and not to talk too fast. When I was up there I was still nervous, but I knew my set well, and after a few laughs I relaxed into it a bit. Afterwards I was so chuffed, I wouldn’t drink before a gig, so I had a glass of wine lined up to drink straight after, it takes a while to calm down, and as I had a really positive reaction, I just felt very happy and relieved.

wHEN dId you FIRSt REALISE you wANtEd to tRy StANd-up CoMEdy?At 34, I realised that I hadn’t ever really explored the more extrovert, creative side of my personality. I knew I’d regret it if I didn’t try something. I can’t sing or act, and I adore watching stand-up comedy, so it seemed like the logical thing to try.

By Fraser Geesin

Each month we interview a new act on the Brighton comedy scene.In this issue we throw questions at blonde haired ‘Bros’ fan and new comedian Julie Oliver.

NewJulie Oliver

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Newbie Interview- Julie

wHAt’S BEEN youR FAvouRItE ExpERIENCE SINCE ENtERING tHE BRIGHtoN CoMEdy CIRCuIt?After a few of the gigs I have done, people I don’t know have spontaneously come up to me, and told me how much they like my set. I also had an email from someone I really respect saying they have heard good things about my set, and would I like to do a gig for them? You don’t get a better feeling than that.

do you REMEMBER tHE FIRSt jokE you EvER wRotE?The first joke, I ever remember writing was in the comedy course that I attended. I have never written any jokes before this course. I probably remember this one, because it was a good one, and still in my set, so I won’t tell you what it is!

do you HAvE A FAvouRItE StANd up CoMEdIAN?Harry Hill is my all time favourite. I know he’s better known for TV Burp now, but he is a truly amazing stand-up comedian. The originality is outstanding. “Blind people and air fresheners, how does that work? Pine Forest? Where’s my taxi?”

Currently though, I remember before I’d ever seen them on TV, seeing Micky Flanagan and Seann Walsh in clubs, and being absolutely doubled up with laughter, so they are my favourites at the moment.

wHEN do you FEEL MoSt INSpIREd to wRItE CoMEdy? IS tHERE A pRoCESS you FoLLow oR Mood you NEEd to BE IN?There is definitely no specific time that I feel inspired to write comedy...as most of my material is observational. It’s usually just a thought I have about something in everyday life that makes me smile, and then I ask myself if it’s something I can turn into a joke. If I am having a dry spell, I try and think about something from my past that may work. Usually something ridiculous that I have thought or done. I run it through in my head how it might work, and then I commit it to paper when I have the bones of it. I always keep a note pad handy, just in case.

wHAt tIpS wouLd you GIvE to ANyoNE wHo IS wANtING to tRy StANd up FoR tHE FIRSt tIME?I can only speak personally, but I wouldn’t have done one gig if it wasn’t for doing Jill Edwards stand up course. I wouldn’t have had a clue where to start, not just with the writing of the jokes, but how to get gigs once you want to start gigging. My main bit of advice would be not to rush. I took me 10 months to get a 5 minute set that I was confident enough to start gigging with. It’s paid off now, as I can be confident when I deliver the jokes, so I am really pleased I took my time. Also, go and see as much local comedy as you can. Supporting local clubs is important, but it’s helpful to see what works and what doesn’t, and who is doing well on the scene.

Actew

But the first home grown big name was Max Miller, (real name Thomas Sargent) a Kemp Town boy who lived here all his life. Max (born 1894) was the British comic superstar of his day from the 1930s to 50s, certainly in the South and on stage, although the more family-friendly Northerner George Formby eclipsed him in films.

There’s a somewhat anorexic-looking bronze statue of him erected in his honour by the Max Miller Appreciation Society (its president is Roy Hudd) at the entrance of the Royal Pavilion Gardens.

Brash Max, resplendent in his colourful floral suits with plus fours and trilby hat, was risqué

and near the knuckle, though he never swore or used four letter words. He was a master of innuendo and double entendre.He had the habit of leaving out the final ‘”blue” word that completed the punchline of a saucy gag so he could then, in mock horror, rebuke the audience for their “dirty minds.” Max, known as the Cheeky Chappie was frequently in trouble with the censors and was banned from the BBC from time to time, once reputedly for five years, over a joke about him encountering a naked woman on a narrow mountain pass:” I didn’t know whether to block her passage or toss myself off.” Roy Hudd denies that Miller ever made this joke, that his humour was more subtle than that, others disagree.Max’s act only survives nowadays in a few brief bowdlerised tv and film clips.

His jokes were written in two notebooks, white for ‘ clean humour, blue for ‘adult’ jokes. He would ask the audience which book they wanted and they invariably went for the blue one.His catchphrase-littered set with its song and tap dance routines now seem dated and end of the pier to modern eyes - The Fast Show’s egotistical music hall comedian Arthur “Where’s me washboard?” Atkinson, was clearly modelled on Miller.What survives over the decades is Miller’s compelling, quick fire and ultra confident stage persona and timing, interjecting directly into the audience with cheeky remarks such as :”Haven’t I got a nice figure lady - it’s all muscle!.” Mickey Flanagan, born in 1963, the year Miller died, is evidently a fan.

Fast forward another 20 years or so to the next important era of Brighton comedy.

Brighton’s always been a place with funny boneswhile the current comedy scene is thriving, from komedia to the burgeoning new act clubs, there’s much to celebrate from the past. Most of the big comedy acts of the victorian and Edwardian era such as George Robey, dan Leno and Little titch played in Brighton’s Music Halls.

tHE HIStoRy oF BRIGHtoN CoMEdy

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experimental comedy troupes and ensembles, often musical based.The busking musical comedy group. Pookiesnackenerger founded by Luke Cresswell and Nick Dwyer found worldwide fame from the 1990s as the barnstorming percussive ensemble Stomp, performing at the Oscars.

The Brighton Bottle Orchestra, three guys performing comedy tunes by blowing onto milk bottles ( you had to be there) performed for the Queen. Later the troupe’s mainstay Terry Garoghan became a Brighton comic institution with his Brighton - The Musical shows, in which he parodied popular songs with Brighton lyrics such as Businessman in Whitehawk and I’m Not In Hove.

But perhaps most fondly remembered is the Cliff Hanger Theatre Company, perhaps Brighton’s equivalent of The Comic Strip. Comprising of the very talented quarter of local performers Pete McCarthy, Robin Driscoll, Rebecca Stevens and Tony Haase. They performed clever comic spoof plays such as Gymslip Vicar (nominated for best comedy play at what is now the Olivier awards) wrote for Smith and Jones and appeared on Channel 4 in a couple of self-penned sitcoms before splintering into solo projects. Robin Driscoll co-wrote and appeared in the Mr Bean films with Rowan Atkinson but most missed is Pete McCarthy, who sadly died of cancer in 2004. Pete’s comedy was ahead of its time - innovative

“The alternative comedy boom of the late 70s and

early 80s produced a thriving and

influential scene”

The alternative comedy boom of the late 70s and early 80s produced a thriving and influential scene, many people went on to national fame, either in front or behind the cameras. Sussex University graduate Simon Fanshawe was a self styled “radical gay comedian” with a somewhat edgy, angry, intellectual persona who didn’t go the camp Larry Grayson route.He won the prestigious Perrier award prize at the Edinburgh Fringe in 1989 and was thereafter headhunted to appear on as one of the male sidekicks on Esther Rantzen’s show That’s Life, a big break which alas proved the death knell for his comedy career.

His cerebral stand up spots on the show didn’t gel with a middlebrow programme whose idea of humour was suggestively shaped vegetables, and the Sun and its tv critic mounted a vicious homophobic campaign to get him sacked - and he did indeed leave the programme fairly quickly. He got flak from fellow comics for “selling out”. Fanshawe isn’t a stand up any more, works as a writer and broadcaster and is now a figure in Brighton public life and led the campaign for Brighton to become a city in 2000.

The Zap Club, formed in 1982 and moving to a permanent home on King’s Road Arches in 1984, became known as a centre of experimental cabaret, comedy and performance in the 1980s. Local weird and wonderful ( or just plain weird) acts such as The Wild Wigglers would appear on the bill alongside the likes of John Hegley, Arnold Brown, Julian Clary (then the Joan Collins Fan Club) and future best selling children’s author Louise Rennison, who performed a one man woman comedy show about her rock chick past called Bob Marley Touched My Face. There was a trend for novelty and

and confessional. He also performed in a double act with poet Roger McGough. He took his audience on a comic tour of Hove punctuated by increasingly inebriated (the audience, not Pete) stops in various pubs and performed a solo show Called Live in Your Living Room - yes, in people’s houses.His study of post booze angst became The Hangover Show which was nominated for the Perrier at Edinburgh and filmed for the BBC. He later became known as travel presenter on tv and author of the Road to McCarthy books about his Irish heritage (though he was born and bred in Warrington).

1994 saw the opening of Komedia, first as a cabaret venue in Kemp Town and later moving to the former Tesco supermarket site in Gardner Street in 1998. It promoted many young performers including Mel and Sue, Johnny Vegas, Al Murray, Jenny Eclair and The League of Gentleman and is still the place to catch comedy, alongside smaller venues such as Caroline of Brunswick and Upstairs at Three and Ten.

Recent years have seen many Brighton comic performers start to move to the mainstream with tv appearances, such as Simon Evans and Seann Walsh, both alumni of the Jill Edwards stand up comedy courses based at Komedia and Three and Ten. Former stand up Jill also previously taught Jimmy Carr and Shappi Khorsandi and many of her current and former pupils are performing on the Brighton circuit and elsewhere. With comedy clubs starting up in Brighton seemingly every week, it could be the next big name you’re watching in that dingy room above a pub!

Katheryn Spencer

Woman FactsAn angry woman can grow gills

In this first addition of ‘Woman Facts’ I want to get Biological, or should it be bio-illogical (because women can be so darn illogical sometimes - see Amy Pond example below). No, it is definitely biological, and this column is not sexist.

It is a widely held belief that woman can get angry. This is often typified by behaviour such as not making you a sandwich. What is not known by most male folk is that an angry woman can develop gills. These gills develop on the neck and allow the affected woman to breath underwater, like a shark (which is a type of big fish).

Scientist believe this evolutionary trait is to allow woman to walk off in any given direction until they find a new, more suitable, husband. New photographic evidence seems to support this (see image right).

How do these appear? Through research I have discovered that Doctor Who’s Amy Pond is a good catalyst. Using the phases ‘I want to have my f**k with her’ and ‘I wish you would let me f**k her...hard’ are known to stimulate rapid gill growth. Though it is not recommended that you try to see this on your own woman, often they can go off for weeks at a time.

This startling image below was taken under the English channel in 2006.* It shows a woman walking the channel in search of a new man. By using gills, women have been known to travel as far as Switzerland in search of a richer man. It is also thought they developed resistance to high underwater pressures - around the weight of 12 mighty oaks.

*The woman below was interviewed by Scientist

but unfortunately spoke French.

Readers Questions: Dear Woman Facts

My Fiancée recently developed gills during a popular family Science fiction program. I was

wondering if you had any tips for how I could avoid seeing these in the future? I found it all rather unattractive and I do not want to have to find a new prospective wife if possible.

Hostage SproossWaterlooville, Hants

Hi Hostage, thank you for your letter or email. The simple answer is to calm your

female, however it will be almost impossible to ascertain what a woman’s specific grievance is.

Therefore I would recommend using some fail safe techniques such as: Showing her something

new on the ‘internet’ or brushing your hair and singing loudly.

#1

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Woman FactsAn angry woman can grow gills

In this first addition of ‘Woman Facts’ I want to get Biological, or should it be bio-illogical (because women can be so darn illogical sometimes - see Amy Pond example below). No, it is definitely biological, and this column is not sexist.

It is a widely held belief that woman can get angry. This is often typified by behaviour such as not making you a sandwich. What is not known by most male folk is that an angry woman can develop gills. These gills develop on the neck and allow the affected woman to breath underwater, like a shark (which is a type of big fish).

Scientist believe this evolutionary trait is to allow woman to walk off in any given direction until they find a new, more suitable, husband. New photographic evidence seems to support this (see image right).

How do these appear? Through research I have discovered that Doctor Who’s Amy Pond is a good catalyst. Using the phases ‘I want to have my f**k with her’ and ‘I wish you would let me f**k her...hard’ are known to stimulate rapid gill growth. Though it is not recommended that you try to see this on your own woman, often they can go off for weeks at a time.

This startling image below was taken under the English channel in 2006.* It shows a woman walking the channel in search of a new man. By using gills, women have been known to travel as far as Switzerland in search of a richer man. It is also thought they developed resistance to high underwater pressures - around the weight of 12 mighty oaks.

*The woman below was interviewed by Scientist

but unfortunately spoke French.

Readers Questions: Dear Woman Facts

My Fiancée recently developed gills during a popular family Science fiction program. I was

wondering if you had any tips for how I could avoid seeing these in the future? I found it all rather unattractive and I do not want to have to find a new prospective wife if possible.

Hostage SproossWaterlooville, Hants

Hi Hostage, thank you for your letter or email. The simple answer is to calm your

female, however it will be almost impossible to ascertain what a woman’s specific grievance is.

Therefore I would recommend using some fail safe techniques such as: Showing her something

new on the ‘internet’ or brushing your hair and singing loudly.

#1

Nex

t w

eek

:H

ow t

o im

pres

s a

wom

an w

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fru

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NICK HELM IS QUITE A FANCY NAME. DID YOU CHANGE IT JUST TO SEEM MORE SHOW BIZZY?Yes. My real name is Nicholas, but I shortened it so it would fit on smaller Marquees, that way a venue, no matter its size, wouldn’t feel the need to shy away from booking me just because my name wouldn’t fit on its billboard.

HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN PERFORMING AS A STAND UP COMEDIAN, WHAT WERE YOU DOING BEFORE COMEDY AND DO YOU REMEMBER THE FIRST JOKE YOU EVER WROTE?I have been gigging for just over five years, before that and during the first few years, I was doing lots of different things. I was a bar man, an office temp, a traffic counter and once I was an extra in a crowd scene in The Bill. I used to write plays and take them up to Edinburgh, before I realised that stand up was an easier way to get your stuff seen, so all my money from any job I had would go into putting my shows on. I went on holiday last year for the first time in ten years.

The first joke I wrote for stand up was a joke about The Girl With A Pearl Earring, which I think is my favourite joke and I still do it occasionally for sentimental reasons.

HOW MUCH HAS YOUR ACT EVOLVED OR DEVIATED FROM ITS EARLY INCANTATIONS AND WHEN DID YOU FIRST FEEL YOU’D FOUND SOMETHING THAT WORKED?My act has evolved quite a bit since I started. I tried a lot of different things before anyone took any notice and in a

way that is the fun part. Once everyone knows who you are you can potentially get a little bit trapped into one route, but before then you can try something different every night until you find what works for you. I used to be a lot more upbeat and friendly, I think there is some old footage on Youtube, but it eventually turned into what it is now. Five years in

Stand Up isn’t an incredibly long time as at first you’re only gigging

Winner of The Best Joke of the 2011 Edinburgh Fringe, Nick Helm, kindly lets us poke around in his brain box for GIRAFFEs first ever issue! We get under the grizzly, shouty, exterior and find out what inspires the graveliest of stand-up comics.

nick helmnick helmnick helm

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maybe once or twice a month and an act will evolve at its own rate as you work on it gig by gig finding out what works and what doesn’t. Sometimes people will find their voice straight away and sometimes it will take a few years and sometimes more. I guess I felt like I had hit on something when I started using music, because it gave my act a bit more structure.

WHAT’S IT LIKE BEING ABLE TO SHOUT A LOT ON THE TELLY? (I’D LOVE TO DO THAT)I don’t do that much telly, but the stuff I have done has been a lot of fun. I love live audiences and travelling around is sometimes very nice, you’re never sure what the reaction will be and whether it will work or not. My act can bomb nearly as often as it goes well, but that’s part of doing something that isn’t as instantly recognisable to a lot of audiences as perhaps more traditional observational comedy. Not that there’s a right or a wrong way, but I think sometimes people can get confused and their instant reaction is to shut down and get annoyed. But when it works and people understand it is the best feeling in the world. Plus shouting ‘c*nt’ at strangers can be pretty cathartic.

WHAT OR WHO INSPIRES YOU THE MOST IN LIFE COMEDICALLY?People falling over, people getting hit in the dick and animals f**king.

IF YOU GOT HORRIBLY DRUNK TONIGHT AND WOKE UP WITH A RANDOM TATTOO, WHAT DO YOU IMAGINE IT WOULD BE AND WHERE?Even if I did stay out all night getting hammered on cheap booze and drugs and smoking cigarettes all night till the small hours, I still wouldn’t get a tattoo because I don’t believe in sullying my body.

(If I absolutely had to I’d get ‘Thug Life’ on my shoulder).

DO YOU HAVE TIPS, ADVICE OR WHISPERS OF WISDOM FOR NEW BUDDING COMICS?My advice is to just start doing it and keep doing it and don’t give up. Don’t take criticism too personally, accept that bad gigs come with good, learn from the bad gigs and strive to improve.

Work out in your own head what you want to do with your act. Everyone will have opinions on what they think you should be doing, but try and work out what it is that YOU want before listening to a bunch of other people’s opinions. You can come unstuck by trying to please too many people.

Don’t copy other people and if you can, try and do something that no one else is doing.

Shouting ‘c nt’ at strangers can be pretty cathartic.

“

“ *

Photos by Ed Moore

t E R R E S t R I A L ’ SN o t d E A d

BBC oNEMonday 9pm: ‘The history of shipping containers used to move riverboats into antique cottages in a forgotten Africa on ice.‘Presented by Dara O’Brien and Chris Packham.

Channel 4 Wednesday 10pm: ‘Gypsy copper bouncer babies born every minute with skin that falls off, but are able to be redeemed after makeovers and a good patronising talk down to – Academy.’Presented by Rick Edwards and Krishnan Guru-Murthy.

tHIS wEEkS tELEvISuAL HIGHLIGHtS

ItvSaturday 8.30pm: ‘Idiots say the funniest things’ (Also see: entire output.)

I love hair. In fact as go as far to say, I’m obsessed with hair. Blondes, brunettes, long, short, curly, even ginger. Hair says everything about a person. It can make or break you. It can turn heads or it can cause psychological damage to one’s self-esteem. I’ll never forget my brother putting in the ‘Sun-in’ product for blonde highlights and his hair going green. He sobbed for days.

Now, I’m a vain man. And my vanity stems mainly from my hair. It’s the reason, I’m late for work in the morning (despite the fact it’s pretty hidden on radio). I’d quite happily lose a limb, rather than my hair. Going bald is probably my worst fear and judging by my Dad’s hair, it’s probably going to happen one day. And that’ll be the day, I leave the country; live on a remote island and reminisce about the ‘good times.’ With a hat on. I trace my obsession with hair back to my youth and growing up in the 80’s. There was so much choice when it came to hair. You could have the Don Johnson Miami Vice highlights, the Boy George plaits or the Kevin Keegan perm. The world was your oyster when it came to hair. It was a time, when hair said, ‘Hello, this is who I am. Take it or leave it.’ And in retrospect, I’d probably leave it.

My obsession with hair got to the point when I actually considered it for a career, when I took my BTEC National Diploma in hair and beauty at Clarendon College in Nottingham, back in 1988. Two years later, I was a qualified hairdresser (also able to do a manicure and apply lipstick) but I declined the opportunity to take it further, because I was shit.

I could analyse good and bad hair, I could advise on styles and future trends but I just couldn’t cut it as a hairdresser. Literally. I

still cut hair today but it’s my 8 year old son’s and he’s at the stage where everything his Dad does is cool. Obviously, this will be a limited career.

So what’s my favourite hair over

my lifetime? I’ve gone blonde, I’ve had skinheads, I’ve had the Ian Brown Madchester look, I’ve had the Beatles bowl cut, I’ve had a Human League style fringe, I’ve even had a brief period of hair dyed green and red.

My favourite hair though would be my ‘Chris Waddle’ from 1987. A long fringe, and a permed, yes, permed mullet at the back. Now that was style.

Guy LLoydwww.GuyLLoyd.Co.uk@Guy_LLoyd

FAVOURITES

GUY LLOYD’S

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Hey, has anyone read the Girl with the dragon tattoo? It is a novel by Stieg Larsson and he was a guy who looked remarkably like a Swedish’ Michael Crichton. So far I count three things these two authors have in common. The looks, the talent and the lack of lung power or any power in general.

You see, Larsson unfortunately died before he could reap the benefits of being one of the best-selling authors in the entire world back in 2008 and since then his material has spawned a trilogy of subtitled films that were fortunately remade for dyslexics and fans of Daniel Craig.

I haven’t seen any of the films nor have I bothered to read any of the books and I also seldom watch TV, read the entertainment sections of newspapers or film mags, IMDB or Rotten Tomato so I felt that this would be the most appropriate time to review the book in question.

So in typical cover-judging fashion here is my little and lazy critique on Stieg Larsson’s The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo.

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo probably has its narrative feet firmly on a noir ground of crime and intrigue. I’m assuming that the girl with the remarkably boring tattoo is not the lead character despite being the eponymous character. She plays second fiddle to a male lead because that’s just the way it is in the world of crime fiction. I’m certainly hoping that there is an entire chapter devoted to a lengthy description of the tattoo and I’m guessing

there is some kind of sentimental reasoning behind why the girl has it in the first place. In fact, it probably has a greater meaning that reaches fruition in the climatic chapters.

Unfortunately, I have not read the blurb nor has this copy got any attention grabbing tag lines adorning the front along with the title and author’s name but the girl is laying, presumably, naked on a red quilted bed. Her eyes are closed and so I draw the conclusion that she is the victim of a crime of passion and this is where our protagonist enters. He has his alluring flaws and somehow this murder case resembles another murder case of another girl with an unimaginative stock tattoo.

The Girl with the Celtic Tattoo.The Girl with the Arse Antlers Tattoo.The Girl with the Japanese Koi Carp Tattoo.The Girl with the Winnie the Pooh Tattoo.The Girl with loads of Star Tattoos.The Girl with a Chinese Symbol Tattoo.The Girl with the Heart with her Dead Dad’s Name Tattoo.The Girl with her Ex-Boyfriend’s Name Tattoo.The Girl with her Child’s Name Tattoo.

I’m sure you get the picture. Anyway, to reiterate I have not read the book and I probably won’t any time soon but I’ll give it 3 Swedish Snus out of 5! Keep up the good work Stieg!

This review has been brought to you by an overtly cynical mind set and a general disregard for authors living or dead.

CoverjudgerGraham Stoner

Remember the idiom; ‘never judge a book by its cover’? We are told that it is, what is on the inside that matters but in an era of full-on face-hugging superficiality we’re all stuck judging proverbial books by their metaphorical covers. Whether it be a film poster for the latest Hollywood money making scam or that recognisable stranger you walk past every morning on the way to work. I’m sure you have prejudged that horribly disgusting looking person based on face value and don’t even bother lying to your sub-conscious because that is what your subconscious is there for… to absolve all those terribly guilty thoughts.

“Day One: Stare at a blank piece of paper until you think of funny ideas.Feel free to use diagrams: Brainstorms, pie charts and drawings of penises are all acceptable.If nothing inspired happens then spend the rest of the day wasting time looking at funny videos on youtube.

Day twO: If you managed to write something mildly amusing yesterday then you will now come to realise, upon closer inspection, that you were wrong.

Your scribbled excuse for comedy was an illusion, a clouded judgement and a clear waste of time.

Spend the rest of the day looking at videos of funny comedians on youtube in the desperate hope that something might sink in...Take notes.

Day three: Upon reflection you begin to realise that all of your favourite comedians tackle subjects that are far beyond your own mental capacity.

It all looked so easy at first didn't it?"I could do that" you would say to yourself as you watched and listened intently to a stand-up comedian's story.

Now will be around the time that you realise being funny in the pub with your mates isn't quite the same as doing it on stage.

Quit comedy and go to the pub with your mates,

Ben Asks Brighton

Carline AndersonWHAT’S THE FUNNIEST THING YOU’VE SEEN RECENTLY?Carlene: Jim Carrey singing to a suicidal man on the edge of a building

WHAT’S THE FUNNIEST FRUIT?Carlene: Banana. For it’s shape. Obviously.

WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH THE MOST?Carlene: probably reminiscing with my sisters about our past whilst ripping the piss - and impersonating people.

WHICH ANIMAL DO YOU THINK IS THE FUNNI-EST?Carlene: A seal because of it’s voice. It makes me laugh when that make that noise over and over. Plus some folk look like them.

DO YOU HAVE A FAVOURITE COMEDIAN?Carlene: That’s difficult. I don’t really know. I like Robin Williams and Lee Evans. “

Thomas Cole Simmonds

WHAT’S THE FUNNIEST FRUIT?Thomas: Grape

DO YOU HAVE A FAVOURITE COMEDIAN?Thomas: At the moment it’s Louis CK

WHAT’S YOUR FAVOURITE THING ABOUT BRIGHTON?Thomas: The creative people, although there might be a bit too many of them.

Local comedian Ben Carter takes to the streets to find out what Brightonians find funny...

Comedy Writing Tips

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For BeginnersAfter many heated debates about politics, football, religion and gender equality the evening might inspire some jokes.Say something funny. People will laugh. You will feel good.Un-quit comedy.

Day fOur: Wake up and wish you'd written down that funny thing you'd said last night.Today isn't a day for comedy.If yesterday went to plan then you will need your rest.

Order a Dictaphone online and spend the rest of the day watching funny cats and people face-planting on youtube.

Day five: Go into town. Buy a coffee. Observe people and situations. Be alert.Comedy is all around you.For instance, I walked past a man selling furry spiders.He shouted "BIG HAIRY SPIDERS! GET YOUR BIG HAIRY SPIDERS HERE!" It was absurd and it was true. It was funny.Go home feeling positive that you can turn your own personal situation into comedy material.

Day six: The Dictaphone hasn't arrived yet so you'll have to go back to blank piece of paper for the next step. Write down "Big hairy spider's man" in the centre of your page and draw a big cloud or brain around it. Draw some legs coming from your brain/cloud. These will be where you will write down your off shoot ideas and tangents, these will revert back to the original situation and/or concept.

You realise that you have no other ideas and in effect all you've really done is draw a big spider with "Big hairy spider's man" written on it.

This makes you laugh, but doesn't quite help your situation.Hope Dictaphone arrives tomorrow.

Day seven: If your Dictaphone has arrived you may have just figured out that your mobile phone can do the same thing. You may feel slightly cheated, but over-all you realise you only have yourself to blame.Don't let this get in your way on the path to comedy greatness. Your own stupidity is actually what makes you funny.

You should now begin to record your ideas when they come to you.Don't hesitate to interrupt a conversation with "Wait one second, we have to stop... I need to record that funny thing I just said."

Friends will love it. They'll say "He's that funny guy" or "girl".They may even give you a nickname. You belong.

You are now well on your way to becoming a stand-up comedian.Well done.Until next time, see you on the circuit twinkle toes.

Fly my pretties.FLY

Nathan Kail

Comedy Writing Tips

Second Friday of the MonthSmugglers @ the Jazz PlaceEntry £3

whistlestop Inn2, Station Rd, Portslade, Brighton, BN41 1GA 1

the three Graces168 Portland Road, Hove, BN3 5QN 2

the foragers pubStirling Place, Hove, BN3 3YU 3

the Alibi22 Victoria Ter, Kingsway, Hove BN3 4

The Green House Effect63 Church Road, Hove, BN3 2BD 5

the Nightingale29-30 Surrey St, Brighton, BN1 3PA, 6

Three Jolly Butchers59 North Rd, Brighton BN1 1YD 7

Komedia44 Gardner St, Brighton, BN1 1UN 8

Sticky Mike’s Frog Bar9 Middle St, Brighton, BN1 1AL 9

1 2

The Jazz Place10 Ship St, Brighton BN1 1AD 10

Latest Music Bar14-17 Manchester St, Brighton BN2 1TF 11

The Lectern5 Pelham Ter, Lewes Rd, Brighton, BN2 4AF 12

The Thomas Kemp8 St George’s Rd, Brighton BN2 1EB 13

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May Listingsthursday, 3 May - japeworm, 7:30pmSmugglers @ The Jazz Place, 10 Ship Street, BrightonEntry - £2

Friday, 4 May - the Comedy Cooler, 8:30pmThe Alibi, 22 Victoria Terrace, Kingsway, Hove Entry - £4/3 Concs

Saturday, 5 May - Laughing Horse Comedy Club,7:30pmThe Quadrant -12 North Street, Brighton. Entry - £6/£5 Concs. Tickets include drinks discounts after the show

Saturday, 5 May - Filthy weekender Comedy, 10pmThe Nightingale Dining Room 29-30 Surrey BrightonEntry - £8.50/£6.50 Concs

Monday, 7 May - After the watershed, 7pmNEW NIGHTThe Brighton Blue note. BN3 2BD Brighton.Entry - £3

tuesday, 8 May - Charity Chuckle, 8pmLatest Music Bar,Manchester St, Brighton. Entry - £8/£5 Concs. All profits go to the nominated charity.

wednesday, 9 May - Express Comedy, 7pmThe Whistlestop Inn, 2 Station Rd, Portslade, Brighton. Entry - £4/£3 Concs.

thursday, 10 May - prime Cuts, 8pm3 Graces Pub 168 Portland road Hove FREE Entry

Friday, 11 May - Gigglestock, 7:30pmSmugglers @ The Jazz Place, 10 Ship Street, BrightonEntry - £3

May ListingsFriday, 11 May - Filthy weekender Comedy, 10pmThe Nightingale Dining Room 29-30 Surrey BrightonEntry - £8.50/£6.50 Concs

Saturday, 12 May - Laughing Horse Comedy Club,7:30pmThe Quadrant -12 North Street, Brighton. Entry - £6/£5 Concs. Tickets include drinks discounts after the show

Saturday, 12 May - Filthy weekender Comedy, 10pmThe Nightingale Dining Room 29-30 Surrey BrightonEntry - £8.50/£6.50 Concs

Monday, 14 May - I.o.u Comedy,8pmSticky Mike’s Frog Bar, 9-12 Middle Street, BN1 1A Entry - £4

thursday, 17 May - Howlers Comedy,8pmThe Lectern - 5 Pelham Terrace, Lewes Road, BN2 4AF Entry - £4

Friday, 18 May - Filthy weekender Comedy, 10pmThe Nightingale Dining Room 29-30 Surrey BrightonEntry - £8.50/£6.50 Concs

Saturday, 19 May - Laughing Horse Comedy Club,7:30pmThe Quadrant -12 North Street, Brighton. Entry - £6/£5 Concs. Tickets include drinks discounts after the show

Friday, 19 May - Filthy weekender Comedy, 10pmThe Nightingale Dining Room 29-30 Surrey BrightonEntry - £8.50/£6.50 Concs

tuesday, 22 May - CuLt Comedy, 8pmThe Foragers, 3 Stirling Place, HoveEntry - £4/£3 Concs

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Have you ever wondered what a cream egg would look like after being boiled for 4 and a half minutes?Do you often muse “would my dinner fit in a pint glass?”Have you ever taken strawberry laces literally and tied your shoes with them?... no, of course you haven’t,Unless your name is Phil Lucas...His appetite for the absurd and wonder at the benign shows that he dances to a different beat than most, confidently striding over the line between genius and madness, this is the relentless nature of Phil:

The object of this experiment is to determine how many normal sized Ryvitas you get in one packet of Ryvita Minis. Further to this, I aim to determine the true price that a packet of Ryvita Minis should cost the consumer based upon the number of normal sized Ryvitas that make up one packet of Ryvita Minis. To do this, I took one packet of normal sized Ryvitas and one packet of Ryvita Minis.

I determined that there were 23 individual Ryvita crispbreads in one normal sized packet of Ryvitas and that there were 14 individual mini Ryvita crispbreads in one packet of Ryvita Minis.

A normal sized Ryvita crispbread measures 10cm x 6cm. Therefore, if all the normal sized Ryvitas in one packet were placed in a line, they would be 2.3 metres long.

A Ryvita Mini crispbread measures 3.5cm x 2cm. Therefore, if all the Ryvita Minis in one packet were placed in a line they would be 49cm long.

And here’s the proof of that. You’ll have to take my word here though, as I ate a few as I lay them out. This reduced the total length to just over 30cm. Maths fans amongst you will be able to work out how many Ryvita Minis I ate.

The

relentless

nature of

Phil

They are nice though!

By placing the two types of Ryvita crispbreads together we can determine that it takes 6 Ryvita Minis to make one normal sized Ryvita.

So, if it takes 6 Ryvita Minis to make one normal sized Ryvita and there are 14 individual Ryvita Minis in a packet of Ryvita Minis, it follows that there are 2.2 normal sized Ryvitas in one packet of Ryvita minis. If there are 23 individual Ryvita crispbreads in one normal sized packet of Ryvitas and each packet costs the consumer 92p, it means that each normal sized Ryvita costs 4p. Therefore, if there are 2.2 normal sized Ryvitas in one packet of Ryvita Minis and each normal sized Ryvita costs 4p, the cost of a packet of Ryvita Minis should be 10p. As the actual cost of a packet of Ryvita Minis is 46p, we can only conclude that Ryvita Minis are a rip-off.

“I ate a few as I lay them

out”

19

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