Intimate Partner Violence & Grief 1 In press at Child & Family Social Work, do not cite without permission of author. Intimate Partner Violence and Women’s Experiences of Grief Jill Theresa Messing, MSW, PhD Assistant Professor, School of Social Work Arizona State University Rebeca Mohr, MSW Research Assistant, School of Social Work Arizona State University Alesha Durfee, PhD Associate Professor, School of Social Transformation Arizona State University Acknowledgements: We wish to thank the survivors who so generously shared their stories.
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Intimate Partner Violence & Grief 1
In press at Child & Family Social Work, do not cite without permission of author.
Intimate Partner Violence and Women’s Experiences of Grief
Jill Theresa Messing, MSW, PhD
Assistant Professor, School of Social Work
Arizona State University
Rebeca Mohr, MSW
Research Assistant, School of Social Work
Arizona State University
Alesha Durfee, PhD
Associate Professor, School of Social Transformation
Arizona State University
Acknowledgements: We wish to thank the survivors who so generously shared their stories.
Intimate Partner Violence & Grief 2
ABSTRACT
A greater understanding of women's emotional and behavioral responses to intimate partner
violence (IPV) may be aided by an examination of the grief course. Women going through the
process of leaving their abusers, like women leaving non-violent partners, experience grief
during and at the termination of their relationship, even if they feel relief at the cessation of
violence. Through qualitative interviews with 14 female survivors of IPV, we critically examine
the utility of Kubler-Ross’ grief model to understand how women come to terms with their
experiences of violence and the end of their violent relationships. Results suggest that Kubler-
Ross’ model helps explain the emotional reactions and decision-making of IPV survivors in
regard to staying, leaving, and returning to their partners. While a model developed to explain
grief due to death may not entirely explain the reactions of IPV survivors going through the
process of leaving abusive partners, and does not account for psychological reactions to trauma,
social workers and mental health professionals can use this grief model as a framework to better
tailor services to survivors of IPV.
Intimate Partner Violence & Grief 3
Social workers in all areas of practice are frequently in contact with clients whose lives
are affected by intimate partner violence (IPV) (Danis, 2003). Lifetime prevalence of physical
and/or sexual IPV across 15 countries ranges from 15-71% (Garcia-Moreno, Jansen, Ellsberg,
Heise & Watts, 2006), and between 25-35% of U.S. women experience IPV in their lifetime
(Black et al., 2011; Breiding, Black, & Ryan, 2005). Women who experience IPV suffer poorer
health and require more medical care than those who have not been abused (Hazen, Connelly,
Soriano & Landsverk, 2008). Psychological consequences of IPV include anxiety, depression,
believe it had gotten that bad. I was in such denial.” and “It slowly graduated… first… an
argument… I ignored that. Then… a slap in the face. I ignored that.” The reasons for denial
varied and included self-blame (“What did I do to push him into that mode?... I felt guilty… Did
I make you do this?”) and psychological defenses (“I think I always try to numb out my
feelings… I would be crying, but I’d do anything not to feel.”).
Intimate Partner Violence & Grief 10
Twelve of the 14 participants reported feelings of shock and fear consistent with the
denial stage of the Kubller-Ross model: “I was in shock. I kept thinking to myself things were
going to get better and they never did.” In this stage, women did not physically leave or they left
and returned to their intimate partners because they did not recognize that the abuse would
continue and escalate. As one woman stated, “After he got through being mad and I got through
being afraid, that is when… I went back and… repeated the cycle.” Women reported that they
were afraid – some afraid of their partner (“Scared. I thought he would get really mad and he
did,” “[I was] so afraid [of him] that I would end up going back”) and others afraid of being
alone (“I felt that insecurity and I couldn’t think about being by myself. I was too afraid to be on
my own”). Shock, fear, and love combined in this stage to keep women in their abusive
relationships, and to encourage them to return to abusive partners if they left: “I guess a little bit
of love is worth a bunch of misery.”
Anger. All participants reported feelings of anger and/or guilt; both of these feelings were
strongly connected to their children’s wellbeing. Some women felt that they could have stopped
the abuse earlier: “It just breaks my heart because if I could have maybe done something when
[my children] were younger… maybe this pattern wouldn’t be continuing.” Another participant
stated, “I felt guilty. I really felt guilty because I felt like ‘What am I putting myself through,
what am I putting my kids through?’” Some participants reported feeling angry at themselves for
staying in the relationship, or for not physically leaving earlier. One woman said, “I was mad
because of everything he put me through... it was stupid of me to be there that long…I was mad
because I was the one being abused and I was still there.”
Other women were angry at their partners: “He has wronged me and my children in too
many ways… for me to ever forgive him.” Another woman said “I am to the point right now
Intimate Partner Violence & Grief 11
where I would probably get a gun and kill him. That is not the type of person I am but when he
starts hurting your children and treating them disrespectfully…” Anger toward partners given
the time and effort the women had invested in their relationships was also a common theme. One
participant stated, “I got so angry—how dare he take all those years of my life… do that in front
of my children… how dare he?”
Bargaining. The bargaining phase has been described as the irresolute stage that IPV
survivors experience after physically leaving an abusive partner (Flynn & Whitcomb, 1981;
Turner & Shapiro, 1986). We recoded this stage as indecision, as the participants vacillated
internally between continuing their separation and returning to their partner (rather than
bargaining with an outside source): “My mind fluctuates from ‘Oh, my God. This is so over’ to
‘Oh, but it might be okay.’” Among the women, this phase was associated with a variety of
emotions ranging from powerlessness (“I … remember having nowhere to go. I did not think I
had any options at all”) to hope. Feelings of hope were similarly mercurial; women reported
feeling hopeful that they could obtain independence from their partner (“I was hoping… I never
had to go back to him”) coupled with hope that their partner would change and they could
reconcile (“I was being hopeful…We have a family and he would feel bad and … have his
[conscience] kicking in and telling him that it’s wrong”). Twelve women reported these feelings
ambivalence about their relationships and their partner after physically leaving. As one
participant described:
The whole thing is an emotional rollercoaster. “He’s an idiot.” “I miss him.” “I need him.” “I don’t need him.” “I don’t want to talk to him again.” “Why isn't he calling?” “What’s he doing?” “Who cares?” It’s worse at night when … [I’m] alone.
Intimate Partner Violence & Grief 12
The most reported reason for women to reconcile or stay in their relationship was a lack of
economic and social support, leading to feelings of powerlessness. As one woman stated, “I just
remember feeling helpless… I [had] nowhere to go. I didn’t think I had any options.”
Indecision was also strongly linked to women’s perceptions of what was best for their
children. Some women reconciled with their partners because they were not able to care for their
children alone: “I got a job but then day care was so expensive, I couldn't afford [it].” A number
of participants considered the maintenance of the relationship to be in the best interest of the
children: “I … tried to make [the relationship] work for the sake of my kids.”
Depression. The depression phase has been described as marked by physical symptoms,
feelings of hopelessness, and a loss of self-efficacy and self-esteem (Flynn & Whitcomb, 1981).
Feelings of sadness were commonly reported by the women in this study, and were recognized as
a normal response to the process of leaving. Seven participants reported feelings of sadness, but
they did not define this as depression and did not report suicidal ideation: “I didn't go into severe
depression, but I had times when I felt low” and “I was sad and I grieved because I really loved
him.” An additional four women reported clinical depression and three of these reported suicidal
ideation: “I thought that dying was the solution” and “there were times… when I just wanted to
kill myself. I thought that was my only way out.”
The sadness experienced by women was often connected to the loss of their intimate
relationship (“I miss the way he smells and the way he feels”) as well as the loss of a father
figure for their children or an intact family: “I didn't want my son to … have a split up
relationship. So I was sad.” Because their sadness was tied to the dissolution of their relationship
(“I was sad because I had left,” “After I left… I mourned it like a death”), many women reported
returning to their intimate partner in order to alleviate these feelings of depression (“I thought I
Intimate Partner Violence & Grief 13
couldn’t breathe without him. I thought I couldn’t live without him… I just needed to get back to
where he was”). Some women worked through their depression after they left their relationship,
and some reported that they were still working through these feelings: “I go through days where I
am happy… but yet there are days where I am like ‘God, is this ever going to end?’” Other
women reported that they needed to overcome their sadness before they were able to physically
leave their partner permanently:
I didn’t care anymore. Usually when I did leave, I would cry. I would cry – pack my stuff and cry and I cried a lot. But this last time, I just woke up one day and I said “I’m done. I am so done with this.” And I just packed my stuff and I left. I didn’t cry. I didn’t care about going back. I said “I am never coming back.” In addition to sadness about the dissolution of their relationship, 3 participants reported
feelings of despair and hopelessness about their current circumstances. These feelings were
marked by an inability to see a way to move forward, particularly in relation to permanent
damage caused by their abusive relationship. One participant reported feeling discouraged about
finding a non-abusive intimate partner: “I don’t think there is a chance for me to have that person
with me. I think that it’s over for me. I would rather be single.” Another participant considered it
impossible to overcome the damage caused by abuse: “Once you have been abused you never get
over it.”
Acceptance. The acceptance stage is marked by willingness to start a new life and
acknowledgement of the losses faced (Turner & Shapiro, 1986; Flynn and Whitcomb, 1981).
Most of the women (n=13) reported some emotions associated with acceptance, including relief,
hope, and empowerment. Ten participants reported feelings of lightening, “I can breathe again
[because] I will never have to actually be with him.” Nine participants stated that they felt
hopeful about their future: “[My future is going to be] successful because I’m not going to be
Intimate Partner Violence & Grief 14
getting abused anymore.” Three women reported that they overcame the grief process through
their desire to be healthy for their children: “I got myself together, not just for me but for my
son.” Five women also reported feeling optimistic about the future for their children: “I feel
hopeful about finding a good future for my children.”
Eight women reported that they felt empowered once reaching this stage, “I don't belong
to nobody but myself… and now I have more power over myself.” These feelings of
empowerment came from knowledge that they had overcome a difficult situation (“I got through
it… I’m going to be okay”), that they had learned from their relationship (“I learned from it. I
learned to survive. I learned to be a survivor”) and that they had done this through reliance on
themselves (“Now I can say that I made it, and I did it by myself”); women were clearly proud of
these accomplishments (“I am proud of myself,” “My self-esteem is up”). Women talked about
“recreating” and “reforming” themselves, being “free,” feeling “good… relieved… safe.”
Through acceptance, women transformed their experiences of victimization into empowerment;
as one woman said, “I want to be amazing, period.”
Discussion
Though there is not one set trajectory for mourning the dissolution of a relationship,
women going through the process of leaving an abusive partner appear to engage in a grief
course that includes the five stages of grief described by Kubler-Ross. Study data supported
previous suppositions that grieving individuals may vacillate between stages of grief (Flynn &