Intimacy and distance in relational communication

INTIMACY AND DISTANCE IN RELATIONAL COMMUNICATION

Physical What are some examples of easily recognized

forms of intimacy? How about some that are not what we first think

of regarding intimacy?

Intellectual?

Emotional?

DIMENSIONS OF INTIMACY

Physical Baby in utero Children being rocked, fed, hugged Sexual- not necessarily connected to a close

relationship Intellectual- exchange of important ideas Emotional- exchanging important feelings

Doesn’t have to be face to face Shared activities

Working together Exercising together Athletics-

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sVZrne7X5ww Emergencies

Some relationships have all four, some have less

Some never become intimate Family Friends Acquaintances

Ebbs and flows. Sometimes all four, but other times operating with less

MASCULINE AND FEMININE INTIMACY STYLES

Amount and depth of info Female – female top disclosure list Female – male Male-male- least amount of disclosure

At every age, women disclose more Men less likely to share positive feelings Men grow closer by doing, not talking Masculine (gender role) men more likely to

express caring through helping behaviors More feminine men express directly

Woman looking for emotional connections may not realize man is trying through activities, like fixing leaky faucet or spending time together

Dads are becoming more affectionate with their sons, although some still expressed through shared activities

SELF DISCLOSURE

Deliberate Significant Not known to others

LEVELS OF DEPTH

Clichés- don’t qualify, serve as codes saying “I want to acknowledge your presence”, or “let’s keep the conversation light and impersonal”.

Facts- some facts qualify if fit criteria Opinions- more revealing than facts but still

have levels Feelings-opinion plus feeling different from

opinion alone

BENEFITS OF SELF DISCLOSURE

Catharsis Can provide mental and emotional relief

Reciprocity Self clarification Self validation- seeking validation for behavior

from listener Identity management-make ourselves more

attractive Relationship maintenance and enhancement-

research shows strong relationship between quality of self disclosure and marital satisfaction

Social influence-increase control over person or situation

RISKS OF SELF DISCLOSURE

Rejection Fear of disapproval is powerful

Negative impression Decrease in relational satisfaction Loss of influence

Once share a weakness, your control can diminish

Hurting the other person

GUIDELINES FOR SELF DISCLOSURE

Do you have a moral obligation? HIV

Is the other person important to you? Are the amount and type appropriate?

Mix of positive and negative Is the risk reasonable? Is the disclosure relevant to the situation at

hand? “Here and now” rather than on the “there and

then” Bringing up past mainly helpful if it relates to the

present

CONT’D

Will the effect be constructive? Is the self disclosure clear and

understandable? Is the self disclosure reciprocated?

ALTERNATIVES TO SELF-DISCLOSURE

Silence A common alternative to self-disclosure In some situations, silence may benefit you and

other parties involved Honesty might jeopardize you, other people, and

relationship in question. Rather than blurting out unsolicited opinions,

thoughtful communicators remain quiet.

ALTERNATIVES TO SELF-DISCLOSURE

Lying In some situations, “the benevolent lie” is hard

to categorize as unethical Benevolent lie is unmalicious, or even helpful, to the

person to whom the lie is told Several studies have found “benevolent lies” to

be quite common 130 subjects were told to keep records of their

statements Only 38.5% of statements were deemed honest

ALTERNATIVES TO SELF-DISCLOSURE

Reasons for lying To save face

To prevent embarrassment Such lies were deemed tactful For ex, trying to remember someone’s name at a party

To avoid tension or conflict Sometimes people tell lies to avoid large conflicts For ex, you say you’re not annoyed when your friend

teases you in order to prevent potential hassle of expressing your feelings

ALTERNATIVES TO SELF-DISCLOSURE

Reasons for Lying To guide social interaction

Sometimes we lie to make everyday relationships run smoothly.

For ex, you might pretend to be glad to see someone at a party when in fact you can’t stand them.

Children don’t have this skill! To expand or reduce relationships

Some lies are intended to make relationships grow In one study, both male and female college students

lied to improve their chances for a date Sometimes we lie to reduce interactions with other

people For ex, “I really have to go….I need to study for a

test”

ALTERNATIVES TO SELF-DISCLOSURE

Reasons for Lying cont… To gain power

We tell lies in order to gain control over a situation Lying to get confidential information, even with the

best intentions in mind, still qualifies as lying to gain power.

Effects of Lies What are the consequences of discovering that

you’ve been lied to? Can be traumatizing

Research shows that lying can threaten relationships Feelings of dismay and betrayal occur during intense

relationships

ALTERNATIVES TO SELF-DISCLOSURE

Equivocating Rather than lying, people might equivocate

Two or three equally plausible meanings Allows people to be purposefully vague

Friend asks you about his or her hideous outfit, you say, “It’s really unusual….one of a kind!”

Value of equivocation becomes clear when considering alternatives You receive an ugly christmas gift Do you remain silent? Do you lie? You say “What an unusual painting”

ALTERNATIVES TO SELF-DISCLOSURE

Equivocal Language can do the following: Spares the receiver from embarrassment Can save face for both sender and receiver

Spares sender from feelings of guilt Don’t feel bad for lying or expressing harsh honesty

Provides alternative to lying Equivocation is neither a false answer nor a clear truth,

but rather an alternative used precisely when both of these are to be avoided

ALTERNATIVES TO SELF-DISCLOSURE

Hinting More direct than equivocal language Intent of hint is to produce desired response from

others Direct Statement

I’m too busy to continue this conversation Face-saving Hint

I know you’re busy: I’d better let you go Hinting can spare others discomfort that comes

with the undiluted truth

ALTERNATIVES TO SELF-DISCLOSURE

The Ethics of Evasion Social scientists and philosophers argue that the

morality of a speaker’s lie, not the lie itself, ought to be judged. Others ask whether the effects of a lie will be worth

the deception? Some people are willing to accept lies without

challenge, even when they know they are being lied to! In some circumstances a lie is deemed more

appropriate than undiluted truth