In war 2

In War….How To Avoid, Resolve

and Solve Relational Conflict In Marriage

Part 1

Spiritual Foundations

How To Bless Your Marriage!

Matthew 5:7-9 Blessed are the merciful, for they shall obtain mercy. Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God. Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God.

You will bless your marriage (and other relationships) by being merciful, having a pure heart and intentions and by being a peacemaker (not a troublemaker!)

Use Your New Heavenly Nature!

Our new heavenly nature seeks peace, love and unity and the things of grace in heaven

The flesh seeks its own self-satisfaction at all costs. The flesh lusts, wants to argue, justify itself, win at all costs, and so on.

Reconciliation is a gift from the Cross, that can ONLY be implemented by the new nature.

So ignore and crucify the flesh, and walk in the Spirit on a daily basis

Galatians 5:16-26 Ephesians 4:17-32, 5:18Romans 8:5,6

Daily Filling With The Holy Spirit!

Ephesians 5:18 “Be filled with the Spirit”Luke 11:11-13 – Ask for the Holy SpiritMark 11:21-24 – Believe you have received!

PRAYER:“I now ask, in the Name of Jesus Christ, to be powerfully filled with the Holy Spirit, and I believe that I have received and will experience the filling of the Holy Spirit”

A Spirit-filled marriage, full of love, wisdom and the fruit of the Spirit will not give in to the lusts of the flesh or to carnal selfish behavior!

Have The Right Idea!

Marriage is MUCH MORE than a “partnership” that ensures “progress in life” and economic and personal security.

Marriage is a sexual and relational covenant that is meant to ensure that people become like Christ.

Marriage is MAINLY about personal and spiritual and emotional and intellectual growth and maturity and about expressing the wonderful romantic love of God so that you are a witness to the existence of the grace of God in Christ Jesus.

If you have the wrong idea about marriage you will then do the wrong things within marriage!

Part Two -

Dealing With Difficult Dynamics

Get Rid Of All Resentments Right Now!

Resentments are the Devil’s “footholds” Eph 4:27

Resolve

Resent

Reject

Revenge

If issues are not resolved they turn into resentments and start to fester within us.

Eventually the resentments create distance and rejection in the marriage and communication ceases while irritation increases.

Over time irritation overwhelms the desire not to act, it becomes fixed into an ambition to take revenge, which may be explosive and destructive.

Limit Retaliation / Crucify The Flesh

Galatians 5:24-26 And those who are Christ's have crucified the flesh with its passions and lusts. If we live by the Spirit, let us also walk by the Spirit. Let us not become conceited, provoking one another, envying one another.

Romans 12:17-21 (EMTV) Do not repay anyone evil for evil; providing that which is good before all men. If possible, as much as depends on you, keeping peace with all men. Beloved, do not avenge yourselves, but give place to wrath; for it is written, "Vengeance is Mine, I will repay," says the Lord. Therefore "If your enemy should hunger, feed him; if he should thirst, give him drink; for by doing this you will heap burning coals upon his head.“ Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

Press The Red Emergency Button!

You have an “emergency red STOP button” that you can press to stop your emotions whenever you want!

If your mother rings up when you are yelling at your wife, you can calm down, pick up the phone and sound all sweet and nice all within a few seconds.

You are in control, and when you want you can be in control, you just have to want to be in control, and you need to use the Red Button much more often.

Self-control is a spiritual fruit that you can receive by grace, through faith!

Your Feelings Are Your Fault!

No one can “make you feel” anything! (except in cases of extreme torture).

If you want to be miserable you can stay miserable even when people are trying to make you happy.

If you want to be bitter you can stay bitter; and if you want to be rejoicing in the Lord you can stay rejoicing in the Lord!

You have CHOSEN to feel the way that you feel based on WILL and on your BELIEFS about the situation!

Your husband/ wife/ children/ in-laws/ are not responsible for the way you feel and nether is the church, the government or men from Mars!

Love Your Enemy!

“Love your enemy…” (Matthew 5:43-48) means that Jesus expects us to be able to CHOOSE OUR RESPONSE to the difficult person in our life!

When we can consistently choose to respond in a godly fashion to difficult, hurtful people then we are “perfected” in love. (Matthew 5:48)

No one can “make you react’ in a certain way, your enemy cannot automatically make you behave this way or that, with the help of the Holy Spirit you can choose a better response!

Practice Forbearance of Irritations

Many minor issues can just be tolerated, the Bible calls this forbearance. It means to be able to “bear up” under circumstances and irritations.

Forbearance is a sign of spiritual strength and of great Christian maturity.

It shows that you do not “sweat the small stuff” but can act with wisdom. Not over-sensitive.

Do not let irritation “push” you into foolish, embarrassing or destructive behavior!

If it is so dumb that only a fool would do it – then don’t do it!

Ephesians 4:2, Colossians 3:13

Perspective Restorer!

Matthew 7:1-5

Sometimes we blow things up out of all proportion, get jealous, threatened, fearful, paranoid or become way too anxious and self-defensive seeing imagined enemies, slights, insults and disrespect everywhere.

Or we want everyone to take “our side”

We need to pray for a dose of God’s Faith-Filled Heavenly Perspective Restorer so we see people and issues through God’s gracious and very sensible and wise eyes.

If you sense that you might be a bit “off” then do nothing rash, and seek counsel. Pray through until you find both sanity and clarity!

Fix The Problem (Not The Blame!)

Focus on the solution not the problem.

Let the image in your mind and heart be that of the solution being implemented.

Don’t fix the blame, fix the problem instead.

Pray for the solution rather than about the problem, e.g pray for “God’s peace to reign and rule in our house”

Take small constructive steps toward the solution that you “see” and that you are praying for.

Part Three -

Tackling Tough Times

Reasons For Divorce

Acceptable Unacceptable Infidelity (of the other)ConsanguinityChange of Gender or of Sexual

OrientationThe Unbeliever DepartsDomestic ViolenceSevere Mental IllnessCriminality / Major Addictions

Money Issues“In-Law” IssuesHope for “Someone Better” Illness of One’s PartnerRisk/Adventure/Mid-Life CrisisSpitefulness / Anger / BlameMoving for WorkConflicts Over Ministry Issues

Any valid reason for divorce must strike at the VERY CORE of the marriage covenant and not just be a peripheral matter!

Dealing With Estrangement

“I don’t like you any more”… “the spark has gone”…

These thoughts are often strongholds of Satan in your mind built up on layers of negative, lazy and foolish behavior (e.g. not talking, not eating together, not praying together, working too many jobs etc)

Focus on the PERSON not on the feelings

Work on your marriage not just in or for your marriage

Change behavior: have date nights, family times etc

Change your negative stinking thinking into positive biblical beliefs

Fire In The Fireplace

• Marriage involves the “fire” of sexual love, between a man and a woman, within the “fireplace” of marriage which protects any child conceived within the marriage.

• Fire which is started outside of the appropriate fireplace can burn the house down! (extra-marital affairs, pre-marital sex, “hooking up” etc)

• If there is no fire in the fireplace then the marriage can become “cold” and formal and lead to temptation for finding “warmth” from elsewhere which is why 1 Corinthians 7:1-6 tells us “not to deprive one another”

• Sexual problems within marriage may need medical attention in order to “restart the fire” that is essential to the proper functioning of the marriage as God has made us to be “male and female” not neuter gender angels!

1 Corinthians 7:1-6Song of Solomon

The Nuclear Blast Door…

We have a protective “blast door’ in our soul that we shut when we are emotionally manipulated or are threatened or when we live in chaos!

It is easy to move and to close but nothing can get through it!

Sometimes it stays shut and we need to open it again, to agree to receive love!

“In Jesus Name, I agree to receive love from God and from others…”

John 17:23,26Ephesians 3:14-21

Summary

Be merciful, pure in heart and a peacemaker! Live out of your heavenly nature!Be filled with the SpiritCrucify the flesh and its passions Get rid of all resentmentsLimit retaliation and do not take revengePress the red emergency button (self-control)Your emotions are your fault!Practice forbearance of irritationsFix the problem and not the blameAny valid reason for divorce must strike at the very root of the

marriage We need to open up the nuclear blast door!