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I – AM – MADA skill to learn when you’re a loved one of

someone with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)

By Bon Dobbs

When you are in a relationship with someone with BPD, it can be confusing. It sometimes feels as if you’re navigating a maze-game and one false move or word causes an explosion of rage. People sometimes describe it as “walking on eggshells.”

BPD is chiefly an emotional regulation disorder. While there are other aspects to the disorder, the emotional system of a person with BPD is easily upset. A person with BPD will react strongly and with negative emotions to triggers, real or perceived, in the environment. The biggest trigger of these emotions is interpersonal relationship events.

A person with BPD has a more sensitive emotional alarm system than others do. It is as if your alarm is set at 80° F and theirs is set at 50° F. Their alarm goes off more often than yours. Yet, they still feel as if the alarm is real, even if it seems like a “false alarm” to you.

A person with BPD will usually react naturally to the emotions that they feel. Sometimes you might feel as though the reaction is an over-reaction. However, it is “normal” if a person is feeling a strong emotion.

Emotion Natural Reaction

Anger Attack

Sadness Withdrawal

Fear Flee

Disgust Turn Away

Contempt Judge

Surprise Jump Back

Happiness Laugh, Rejoice

Shame Hide or Deny

Normal/Natural Emotional Reactions

BPD

EmotionalDysregulation

Shame

Impulsivity

Preoccupation with Attachments

The “carousel” of BPD includes emotional dysregulation, shame, impulsivity and a preoccupation with attachment relationships. Each feature can increase the “velocity” of the others, causing rage, desperation and depression.

If you’re anything like me (or like I was before I started down a path to healing), you’re a “fixer”. You want problems solved immediately. Yet, the piece of the puzzle that you’ve been missing is that emotional problems are not solvable using logic.

In fact, an emotional person doesn’t really WANT you to solve the problem. They want to be HEARD. They want someone to understand how they feel. They become frustrated with you when you offer advice or invalidate their emotional reactions. This presentation will teach you a simple skill to stop invalidating how they feel.

First, a few things NOT to do when your loved one comes to you in a highly emotional state. Do NOT:

Make it about you. “I hated it when that happened to me.” Try to one-up the person. “Oh, you think you have it bad…”Tell them how they should feel. “You should feel blessed…”Try to give them advice. “What you really should do is…”Try to solve their problem. “I’m going to call that girl’s parents and…”

Cheerlead (there is a time for this, but not now). “I know you can do it…”

Call names. “You’re such a baby.”

Do NOT:Make “life” statements. “Well, life’s not fair…”Make judgmental statements. “What you did was wrong…”Make “revisionist” statements. “If you had only…”Make it about your feelings. “How do you think that makes me feel?”Make “character” statements. “You’re too sensitive…”Rationalize another person’s behavior. “I bet they were just…”Use reason or the “facts.” “That’s not what happened…”Use “always” or “never” statements. “You always get yourself into these situations…”

OK, so what am I supposed to do?

Understand that your loved one is feeling something. That feeling is real and unpleasant. The problem is not that they are “irrational” or the “content” of the issue. The problem is that they feel bad. Empathize with the person. See the world through their current emotional eyes.

Then, use the I-AM-MAD emotional communication skill.

I – identify that there’s an emotionA – ask a validating questionM – make a validating statementM – make a normalizing statementA – analyze consequencesD – don’t solve the problem

I – identify that there’s an emotionIt's best to do this with "feeling" words, like "look", "see", or "sound", rather than “know" or "understand”. Examples:“I see that you are frustrated.”“You sound aggravated.” “You look really upset.”

A – ask a validating questionThis encourages them to share their feelings about whatever triggered them. Do not use “what’s wrong?” If you use "what's wrong?" they will hear "what's wrong with YOU?"Examples:“What happened?” (most effective because it is open-ended, requires more than yes/no answer)“Did something go wrong at work [school] today?”“Want to talk about it?”

M – make a validating statementValidate the feelings expressed. This helps reinforce that it is natural and valid to feel what they are feeling in the situation. Don’t defend against blaming or projecting. Examples:"Wow, it must have made you feel hurt." "Yes, it is frustrating when it seems that someone is taking advantage of you." "Yeah, that's really disappointing."

M – make a normalizing statementBy relating the situation as common to all people or “normal” for them, this helps alleviate their stress about feeling judged or unaccepted.Examples:"I think anyone would feel angry if they had to do that.""I would feel the same way if that happened to me."“I can see why you feel that way.”

A – analyze consequencesBy examining the consequences of both negative and positive behavior with the person, you help them to separate their emotional reaction from their behavior. The behavior may need to be changed, but the emotions are natural and should not be punished. Examples:“When you yell at me, I feel disrespected and become upset too. However, when you speak calmly to me, I know you have respect for me, so I am able to listen to you better.”

D – don’t solve the problemSolving one’s own problems helps to build self-confidence. Empower the person by getting them to come up with a solution themselves. When given the opportunity in a non-judgmental setting, most people will find that they can come up with solutions to their problems. Examples:“How would you like to handle this?”“What would help you make a better choice next time?”“What do you feel like doing?”

Adapted from “When Hope is Not Enough” by Bon Dobbs. Visit:www.anythingtostopthepain.com

It’s that simple. But it takes PRACTICE and HONESTY. If you don’t feel it, it will not work. Instead it will feel “fake” to the other person.