Document

The Newspaper of Imperial College Union

SOUTHSIDE MOVE: COLLEGE TRIES AGAIN The projected move of Union facilities to Southside is again a real

possibility after a meeting of the Southside Working Party and

members of the Estates Section on Thursday afternoon. Most Union

representation seem to approve of the plan as set out by the College, but

they will insist on certain safeguards and guarantees before committing

the Union.

T h e C o l l e g e p r o p o s a l s as

o u t l i n e d b y D o n C l a r k o f

Estates is that over the next four

years, a l l U n i o n facil ities s h o u l d

move f r o m Beit Q u a d to the

lower levels o f Souths ide , w h i c h

are at present underused. T h e

Post Exper ience Centre c o u l d

then be established in Bei t . (This

is a p lan to r u n short courses for

i n d u s t r y , a n d is e x p e c t e d to

b r i n g a large amou nt o f money

into Col lege. ) T h e move w o u l d

start w i t h the b u i l d i n g o f new

sports faci l i t ies , i n c l u d i n g glass-

backed squash courts , a new

theatre a n d , once the Southside

S h o p h a s m o v e d t o l a r g e r

premises, a l l the U n i o n a d m i n i s

t r a t i o n , a n d offices. N o plans to

move the F E L I X Off ice have

been put f o r w a r d .

U n i o n officers s t i l l have major

r e s e r v a t i o n s ; t h e y c o n s i d e r i t

suspicious that Col lege s h o u l d

o f f e r t o u n d e r t a k e so m u c h

e x p e n d i t u r e o n t h e U n i o n ' s

behalf , a n d want legal guarantees

that the money w i l l be spent as

p r o m i s e d . T h e y are also query ing

the c l a i m that it w o u l d be more

costly to s imply b u i l d the Post

Exper ience Centre i n Southside .

O t h e r q u e s t i o n s t h a t t h e y

w o u l d l ike answered include the

probab le life o f the Southside

B u i l d i n g ( D o n C l a r k t o ld the

meeting that he has an estimate

o f over a hundred years) a n d the

noise p r o b l e m ; residents o f the

M e w s h a v e b e e n k n o w n f o

c o m p l a i n o f the noise o f p o o l

bal ls in F a l m o u t h - K e o g h H a l l .

T h e matter is l o n g referred to

the U n i o n M a j o r S u b c o m m i t

tees, a n d as soon as a detai led

cost ing has been made there w i l l

be a f u r t h e r m e e t i n g o f the

W o r k i n g P a r t y ; it is possible that

the matter w i l l get as far as a

U G M before C h r i s t m a s .

GUILDSHIT HITS THE FAN Several hundred copies of Guildsheet were replaced by a satirical

imitation entitled 'Guildshit ' on Wednesday morning. F o r his

involvement in removing the official publications, Union Welfare

Officer Jon Barnett has been accused of theft by members of City and

Guilds Union and by Stephen Goulder, 1CU President.

'Guildshit' was produced by Wednesday m o r n i n g when they

The mother of Stuart Rockell, who died of Leukaemia four weeks ago,

launched a new four named after Stuart on Morphy Day in the

traditional fashion.

N i c k Pyne , the U G M C h a i r m a n

a n d h i m s e l f a n e x - W e l f a r e

Of f i cer , in reprisal for a series o f

attacks on himsel f in several o f

the year's issues, p r i m a r i l y i n the

' H i s s i n g S i d ' c o l u m n wri t ten by

J o n S t a n l e y . M r P y n e t o l d

F E L I X that replac ing Guildsheet

w i t h a parody was the only way

to make his protest i n a forceful

but h u m o r o u s way. T h e issue

was wr i t ten by M r Pyne a n d

several close fr iends, a n d was

copied at his home on his o w n

d u p l i c a t i n g machine , except for

the cover , w h i c h l ike that o f

Guildsheet, was pr in ted in the

U n i o n P r i n t U n i t — b u t without

the o f f i c ia l knowledge o f the

P r i n t U n i t M a n a g e r . D i s t r i b u

t i on was o r i g i n a l l y intended for

last T h u r s d a y , but when it was

learned that the next issue o f the

regular newspaper w o u l d be on

M o r p h y D a y , i t w a s r e

scheduled.

A c c o r d i n g l y , M r Barnett a n d

J o n T a y l o r , a t h i r d year Physics

student, were r emov ing Guild-

sheet f r o m the Elec t r i ca l E n g i n

e e r i n g D e p a r t m e n t e a r l y o n

r a n i n t o F r a n k R o w s e l l , the

Guildsheet E d i t o r .

S t e v e B i s h o p a n d F r a n k

R o w s e l l then c o m p l a i n e d to the

U n i o n P r e s i d e n t S t e p h e n

G o u l d e r , w h o sent M r Barnett

an o f f i c ia l letter saying that he

considered that Guildshit was far

m o r e e x t r e m e t h a n a n y t h i n g

pr inted in Guildsheet this year,

a n d accusing h i m o f intolerance

and theft. B u t handwr i t t en at the

foot o f the letter he had added

" P S : I thought the issue was

h i l a r i o u s . "

No. 629 Friday, November 26, 1982 Free!

Aerosoc A Winner

Raymond Baxter congratulates the winning team.

Strike Soon M r B u c k t o n gave a n impress ion

o f t h e i n c r e a s e d w o r r y a n d

f rustrat ion i n his u n i o n , a n d sa id

that he w o u l d be the last person to

oppose further i n d u s t r i a l a c t i o n .

A team f r o m C i t y a n d G u i l d s

A e r o s o c w o n the 1982 A e r o

n a u t i c a l C h a l l e n g e Q u i z o n

Wednesday N o v e m b e r 17.

T h e e v e n t is a f o u r - s i d e d

c o m p e t i t i o n between L o n d o n ' s

aeronaut i ca l engineering depart

ments , w i t h teams f r o m Queen

M a r y C o l l e g e , C i t y U n i v e r s i t y ,

K i n g s t o n P o l y t e c h n i c a n d

I m p e r i a l . T h e I C team scored a

n a r r o w v i c tory over K i n g s t o n

b e f o r e c o n v i n c i n g l y d e f e a t i n g

C i t y i n the f i n a l . T h e pr i ze , a Sea

H a r r i e r d i s p l a y m o d e l , w a s

presented by Geo f f rey Pardoe o f

the R o y a l A e r o n a u t i c a l Society .

A s winners , I C w i l l be expected

to p lay hosts at next year 's event.

The General Secretary of ASLEF,

Ray Buckton, was fifteen minutes

late for a meeting of the Industrial

Society on Tuesday because his

train was delayed.

In his address, entit led 'Str ikes

— t h e U l t i m a t e S a n c t i o n ' , M r

B u c k t o n stressed the p l ight o f

t h e o v e r w o r k e d , u n d e r p a i d

workers leading to the recent

R a i l str ike that cost B r i t i s h R a i l

£ 1 0 0 m . H e g a v e v e n t t o h i s

d i sappo in tment w i t h the Fleet

Street v iew of the s tr ike , des

c r i b i n g their at tacks o n h i m a n d

his u n i o n supporters as t rash .

Re fer r ing to the poss ib i l i ty o f

another str ike i n the near future ,

Silly Sports O v e r a t h o u s a n d pounds was

raised for R a g last S a t u r d a y ,

w i t h G u i l d s r u n n i n g S i l l y Sports

outside H a r r o d s on the R C S

licence ob ta ined for their twenty-

f o u r - h o u r event. M i k e Stuart o f

G u i d l s collect £188.

C i t y a n d G u i l d s U n i o n h a d

fa i led to o b t a i n street-col lect ing

licenses f r o m the M e t r o p o l i t a n

P o l i c e , a n d w e r e a d v i s e d t o

col lect o n the R C S U s permit

issued for co l lect ions i n K e n s i n g

ton a n d Chelsea . T h i s was done

o n t h e c o n d i t i o n t h a t w h i l e

G u i l d s w o u l d be a l l o w e d to a d d

the a m o u n t that they raised to

their R a g t o ta l , the money w o u l d

go t h r o u g h R C S U channels .

N o t roub le f r o m the po l i ce

was encountered except for a

w a r n i n g a b o u t o b s t r u c t i o n

caused by p l a y i n g three-legged

hopsco t ch a l ong the pavement .

G u i l d s raised £550 c o m p a r e d

w i t h the R C S U ' s to ta l o f £600.

Nightline

N o w that you 've been at Col lege

f o r over h a l f a t e r m , perhaps

you ' re f i n d i n g that life at Co l lege

isn 't a l l that y o u expected it to

be. Perhaps you ' re feeling lonely

or depressed o r homesick or just

bored . Perhaps you ' re h a v i n g

d i f f i c u l t i e s g e t t i n g t o k n o w

people or don ' t l ike y o u r course

or are feeling puzz led o r t i red .

O r maybe everything is fine—

you just want to find out what ' s

o n at dif ferent colleges or t r a i n

times o r a late night chemist .

N i g h t l i n e is a s t u d e n t - r u n

v o l u n t a r y o r g a n i s a t i o n w h i c h

o p e r a t e s d u r i n g t e r m t i m e ,

between 6:00pm and8 :00amevery

n i g h t ( i n c l u d i n g w e e k e n d s ) .

There is a lways somebody here

to talk to or l isten to you o r give

y o u whatever i n f o r m a t i o n y o u

require .

N i g h t l i n e gives 'non-d i rec t ive '

counse l l ing . It 's l ike t a l k i n g to a

f r i end . W e w i l l give y o u suppor t ,

sympathy , t ime a n d care. W e

w o n ' t try to diagnose, categorise

or patronise y o u or g l ib ly offer

cures or solve a l l your prob lems .

W e are str ict ly con f ident ia l a n d

W e are a str ict ly conf ident ia l

a n d a n o n y m o u s service so n o -

o n e w i l l n e e d t o k n o w y o u

cal led.

W e have a n extensive i n f o r

m a t i o n system. W e can supp ly

i n f o r m a t i o n o n E n t s , s h o p p i n g ,

l a t e n i g h t s h o p s , n i g h t l i f e ,

restaurants , cafes, or on sexual ,

legal a n d med i ca l services. I f we

don ' t have the i n f o r m a t i o n y o u

want , w e ' l l k n o w w h o w i l l have

it . I f y o u r i n g early enough we

can find out the i n f o r m a t i o n a n d

r i n g y o u back w i t h i t .

So , whether y o u want i n f o r

m a t i o n o r n e e d s o m e o n e t o

ta lk to , w e ' l l a lways be prepared

to help y o u . W e hope y o u w i l l

use the service.

R C C

9 N i g h t l i n e

Confidential help

and information

581 2468

T h e next R C C G e n e r a l M e e t i n g

w i l l be he ld i n the U n i o n L o w e r

R e f e c t o r y o n D e c e m b e r 2 at

6 :00pm. W i l l a l l society c h a i r m e n

c o l l e c t t h e i r a g e n d a f o r t h i s

meeting f r o m the societies letter

rack i n the U n i o n Off ice . Please

note that at this meeting names

w i l l be col lected for engraving

o n t o the R C C p o t s . I f y o u r

society cannot be represented at

this meeting put a note i n the

R C C Exec letter-racks te l l ing us

the relevant persons name to go

o n y o u r pot , this is y o u r on ly

chance!

Studies

IIIBII • • ! •

used at s choo l .

These session are open to a l l

students a n d , w i l l take place i n

H u x l e y 341. N o registrat ion is

required . Just t u r n u p !

D a t e s :

Session 1 Tuesday N o v e m b e r

30, 1730 to 1830h.

Session 2: T h u r s d a y D e c e m

ber 2, 1730 to 1830h.

Session 3: Tuesday December

7, 1730 to 1830h.

S e s s i o n 1 w i l l c o v e r s k i l l s

i n c l u d i n g : s tudy tasks a n d study

pr ob l ems ; c oncentra t i on ; o r g a n

is ing y o u r t ime ; o rganis ing y o u r

env i ronment .

/ S Boucher

AAO

S C C

Page2|

N i g h t l i n e is r u n by student

volunteers f r o m twelve different

colleges i n W e s t L o n d o n . I f y o u

t h i n k that y o u w o u l d l ike to

help , then don ' t hesitate. R i n g us

up a n d f i n d out more about h o w

to become a vo lunteer . There are

regular t r a i n i n g programmes t i l l

the end o f M a r c h .

Nightline can be found in the

basement flat at 9 Princes

Gardens SW7. Drop in for a cup

of coffee or ring us on 581-2468

between 6:00pm and 8:00am.

MIHIlLlltliillllllllMIM November

Skills

I C E d u c a t i o n F o r u m is r u n n i n g

a series o f s tudy ski l ls w o r k

shops to give you the o p p o r

tunity to i m p r o v e your sk i l l s in

n o t e - t a k i n g , w r i t i n g , r e v i s i o n

a n d e x a m t e c h n i q u e s . T h e s e

sessions w i l l emphasise the new

ski l ls y o u require to adapt to

l earn ing methods at univers i ty

w h i c h are, as y o u must a lready

k n o w , quite different f r o m those

26,1982 wammmmmm

A n y o n e w h o is interested in the

f o l l o w i n g c l u b s , o r a c t i v e l y

o rgan is ing them s h o u l d contact

J o n a t h a n M i l l e r , v ia the U n i o n

O f f i c e , a n d a t t e n d t h e n e x t

meeting o f . S C C on December 2

at 6 :00pm i n the U n i o n U p p e r

L o u n g e . A l l are i n danger o f

be ing declared m o r i b u n d !

F l e s h , F i s h & F o w l

S o c i a l D e m o c r a t i c Society

C o m m u n i s t

P A T A (ant i -abort ion)

P o l i s h

Ce l t i c

N o t e : S C C Exec meets N o v

ember 30 at 1:00pm in the G r e e n

C o m m i t t e e R o o m .

I FELIX

A Degree of

Ignorance Horoscopes , U F O s a n d ghosts

were a m o n g the fallacies attacked

by D r M a g n u s Pyke under the

head ing ' A Budget o f Fa l lac i es '

last M o n d a y . D r Pyke has spent

the last ten years t ry ing to tell his

fe l low citizens what science is a l l

a b o u t . H e is s t i l l t r y i n g a n d

spent some time exto l l ing the

virtues o f hard science a n d the

scientif ic method : " I have been

very m u c h d is turbed a n d upset

b y the d e g r e e o f i g n o r a n c e

generally prevalent about the

w o r l d we live i n . " People have

no understanding o f the science

that affects their l ives, he says.

" O u t s i d e these w a l l s , " D r P y k e

cr ied , one o f his famous a r m -

waves encompass ing the entire

Co l l ege , " t h e y are savages ! " H e

p r a i s e d t h e a c h i e v e m e n t s o f

science in general a n d w i t h a

par t i cu lar bias towards chemis

t r y a n d b i o l o g y s p e a k i n g o f

miracles f r o m r a t i on a l means,

s l ipp ing i n numerous jokes at the

expense of the engineers a n d

mathemat ic ians . H e then turned

t o the f a l l a c i e s a n d p s e u d o -

science " t h e po i son of u n r e a s o n "

that s t i l l persists: 30 to 40 m i l l i o n

A m e r i c a n s b e l i e v e d e e p l y i n

a s t r o l o g y . D r P y k e t h e n r a n

through a l l the p o p u l a r fal lacies,

referring to spoon bending , the

B e r m u d a T r i a n g l e , dows ing a n d

homeopathy w i t h a f ina l w a r n

i n g note on w i t c h b u r n i n g a n d

n a z i s m ; the master race fa l lacy .

D r Pyke appealed to a l l science

s t u d e n t s t o h e l p d i s p e l t h e

f a l l a c i e s b e c a u s e o f the r e a l

danger o f the ignorance they

indicate . A rare photograph of Magnus Pyke using only one hand!

Morphy

Muck-Up The Morphy Oar was broken on

Wednesday during the annual

towpath battle. City and Guilds

now possess one third of the

trophy and Mines hold the rest.

The M o r p h y D a y battle itself

d i d not start u n t i l dusk , w i t h

v a r i o u s r e v o l t i n g s u b s t a n c e s

b e i n g h u r l e d at e v e r y o n e i n

sight. T h i s year's predominant

ingredient was fish gut, but after

the R C S U fire engine Jez h a d

hosed d o w n the towpath there

was more left on the part i c ipants

than on the g r o u n d . C o m p a r a

t ively few people were a l l owed

into H a r r o d s for tea afterwards.

In the more serious r o w i n g

compet i t i on , C i t y a n d G u i l d s

w o n the M o r p h y a n d L o w r y

eights, a n d a team f r o m R C S U

w o n the ladies ' race.

w h o was busy at the N a t i o n a l

Conference . Since M r H o w a r d

w a s d e l a y e d , t h e t a l k w a s

preceded by a n i n f o r m a l debate

b e t w e e n P h i l i p N a t h a n ( I C

L i b e r a l s ) a n d P a u l S i m i o n

( P W P ) on the N U S issue.

IC 'Armless' I C is cutt ing off its o w n arms ,

accord ing to F r a n k H o w a r d ,

N U S Exec M e m b e r , when ques

t ioned about I C U ' s re -af f i l iat ion

to N U S . M r H o w a r d said that

N U S w o u l d be even stronger and

able to negotiate better deals for

students by hav ing I C U a m o n g

i ts m e m b e r s . T h i s w o u l d be

especially true for issues such as

the ra t i ona l i sa t i on o f L o n d o n

U n i v e r s i t y a n d t h e v a r i o u s

mergers invo lved .

M r H o w a r d was addressing a

meeting on Tuesday rep lac ing

N U S Vice -Pres ident Jane T a y l o r

Frank Howard

M r H o w a r d challenged M r

S i m i o n ' s c l a i m that N U S w or ks

o n " t o t a l l y unreal ist ic g r o u n d s "

a n d said that , a l though N U S is

r a d i c a l , not a l l its members are

stereotyped activists. H e also

denied that N U S ' s bureaucracy

is larger than needed or that its

ways are undemocrat i c a n d sa id

t h a t , a l t h o u g h i t h a s m a d e

mistakes i n the past, it is the sole

organisat ion to represent o u r

interests.

FELIXI

Racial

Discrimination S t u d e n t S e r v i c e s ' d e c i s i o n to

practise posit ive d i s c r i m i n a t i o n

when a l l o cat ing places in H a l l to

p o s t g r a d u a t e s n e x t y e a r has

caused concern a m o n g people

w h o feel there w i l l be no r o o m

for B r i t i s h P G s i n H a l l . T h e

Student Services Off icer M i c h a e l

H H M M V ' H H l November 26, 1982

A r t h u r expla ined the s i tuat ion to

F E L I X :

T h e first group on the ladder

o f p r i o r i t i e s w i l l be o v e r s e a s

postgraduate freshers, w h o w i l l

a l l have one guaranteed year in a

s i n g l e r o o m i n a n I m p e r i a l

Co l l ege o r Intercol legiate H a l l .

T h e next p r i o r i t y w i l l be given to

f i r s t y e a r p o s t g r a d u a t e s w h o

have not s tudied at I C before.

M S c s t u d e n t s w i l l be g i v e n

p r i o r i t y over P h D students a n d

female students w i l l have p r i o r i t y

over male .

T h e j u s t i f i c a t i o n f o r these

decisions is that f irst ly overseas

students have to pay fu l l tu i t i on

fees a n d s o t h e y s h o u l d be

a l l owed the financial rel ief o f

l i v i n g i n H a l l , w h i c h is usual ly

c h e a p e r t h a n l i v i n g o u t s i d e .

Students w h o pay f u l l fees are

m u c h sought after by the Col lege

a n d are l ike ly to be inf luenced by

the a v a i l a b i l i t y o f a c c o m m o

dat i on . A l s o , students w h o have

n e v e r l i v e d i n B r i t a i n b e f o r e

have a great need o f guaranteed

hous ing . Secondly M S c students

have an intensive, t imetabled

one-year course a n d have l itt le

oppor tun i ty to l ook for hous ing

whi le P h D students have a more

f lexible course a n d can take t ime

o f f . F i n a l l y , f e m a l e s t u d e n t s

might be w o r r i e d about l i v i n g o n

t h e i r o w n i n L o n d o n , a n d

because there are so few w o m e n

s t u d e n t s the C o l l e g e t r i e s to

encourage female appl i cants .

M i c h a e l A r t h u r p u t t h e s e

proposals to a recent meeting o f

the Student Residence C o m m i t

tee, a n d they were a p p r o v e d in

p r i n c i p l e . T h e s c h e m e w i l l

p r o b a b l y be implemented for

next year's admiss ions .

Bar Accounts

Open B o b Schroter , C h a i r m a n o f the

R e f e c t o r i e s C o m m i t t e e , h a s

offered to open the B a r accounts

to the members o f the B a r S u b

committee o n l y . H i s p r o p o s a l

w a s r e v e a l e d t o C o u n c i l o n

M o n d a y evening. T h e scheme

was a g r e e d to a n d has b e e n

referred to the next U G M for

a p p r o v a l . B u t D r S c h r o t e r

d i s m i s s e d as ' r i d i c u l o u s ' r u

mours that the Rec tor h imsel f

h a d ordered h i m to d o this .

Sexism Protest

A lone I m p e r i a l Co l lege student

was the on ly protester outside

the A l b e r t H a l l last T h u r s d a y

e v e n i n g . M i c h a e l N e w m a n

a p p e a r e d w i t h h i s b a n n e r ,

reading ' D o w n w i t h the Stereo

type F e m a l e / M a l e ' , just as the

r i ch connoisseurs o f the M i s s

W o r l d c o m p e t i t i o n were leaving.

Some interest was shown i n his

banner , but the m a i n comments

were adv i s ing h i m not to get too

co ld .

A f t e r a smal l protest m a r c h

i n f ront o f the A l b e r t H a l l M r

N e w m a n sat d o w n opposite the

ha l l a n d was j o i n e d by a f r iendly

p o l i c e m a n . T h e t w o c h a t t e d

amicab ly , bo th o f them e x p l a i n

ing to enquirers the meaning o f

the s logan.

There was a n unusual ly large

pol ice contingent for the c ompe

t i t i on this year as a group o f

F a l k l a n d s ' H e r o e s h a d b e e n

i n v i t e d . D u e t o h i g h m e d i a

attent ion it was feared that they

might be a target for terror ists .

H H H P H H H B H H Page 3

Rag Mag

Grumbles

Sir

M a y I, t h r o u g h the pages o f

F E L I X , protest at the offensive-

ness o f this year's R a g M a g , a

copy o f w h i c h I was unfortunate

enough to recently acquire . T h e

major i ty o f the so-cal led ' jokes '

I f o u n d , as a C h r i s t i a n , bo th

vu lgar a n d re 'pulsive—especially

those concerned wi th rac i sm. I

feel that it is a sad reflection on

the state o f o u r society when

some people can consider the

sort o f mater ia l conta ined w i t h i n

t h e R a g M a g a s f u n n y —

t h a n k f u l l y , some of us st i l l f i n d

t h i s s o r t o f ' h u m o u r ' t o t a l l y

o b n o x i o u s . H a v i n g s a m p l e d

some o f the 'student h u m o u r at

its irreverent best ' , I read the

ed i tor ia l w h i c h added insult to

in jury , a n d made sure i n m y

m i n d that I s h o u l d voice m y

disgust. Just because some o f us

have morals a n d ethics somewhat

different to those o f M r C r a w

f o r d , does not give h i m j u s t i

fication to refer to us as ' n a r r o w -

m i n d e d ' a n d 'shit f i l l e d ' , a n d it

does not f o l l o w that we lead

'humour less , c rapped-up l ives ' .

I w o u l d also l ike to po int out

that the R a g M a g is one o f o u r

contacts w i t h outside w o r l d , a n d

i s t h u s t a k e n b y o t h e r s as

r e p r e s e n t a t i v e o f the C o l l e g e

(even though it is not a fa i r

r e p r e s e n t a t i o n o f the w h o l e

Col lege) . I , for one, a m quite

a s h a m e d t h a t the C o l l e g e o f

which I a m a member produces

a n d s e l l s s u c h a d i s g r a c e f u l

p u b l i c a t i o n — e s p e c i a l l y u n d e r

such a mis lead ing tit le . (I have

heard o f an instance where a

mother bought a copy for her

y o u n g c h i l d b e c a u s e o f t h e

' Janet a n d J o h n ' title.)

F i n a l l y , I w o u l d l ike to ask

whether o r not the fact that

s o m e t h i n g m a k e s m o n e y f o r

c h a r i t y m e a n s t h a t the t h i n g

itself is necessarily right?

I hope very m u c h that y o u

pr int this letter, a n d I hope that

P a g e 4 H H H M H H H M i

i t p r o v o k e s o t h e r s , b o t h

C h r i s t i a n s a n d n o n - C h r i s t i a n s ,

w i t h feelings s i m i l a r to mine , to

voice their op in ions .

Yours

A M C Prowse

M e c h E n g 1

News Bias—

Round 3

Dear Sir

I a m s o r r y i f I u p s e t y o u r

reporter , A d r i a n James , w i t h m y

letter the other week; f r o m the

tone o f his reply , he seems rather

distressed! (If he w o u l d care to

read m y o r i g i n a l letter, he might

then be able to answer m y actual

c r i t i c i s m , r a t h e r t h a n a s c r i b e

v i e w s t o m e t h a t I d o n o t

p o s s e s s . S ' f u n n y h o w m a n y

people assume that those w h o

ask for fa i r a n d u n m i s l e a d i n g

repor t ing actual ly want biased

r e p o r t i n g — I assume this to be a

s y m p t o m of their c losed minds .

B u t I digress.)

A d r i a n James ' letter was , l ike

h i s o r i g i n a l ' n e w s ' a r t i c l e

p e r h a p s , n o t e n t i r e l y u n m i s

leading , so perhaps I m a y be

permitted to ' w o r r y ' the w o r d

'betray ' a l itt le further .

Surely M r James does not

n e e d m e t o p o i n t o u t t h a t

a l though one o f the ten usages o f

the w o r d 'betray ' given by his

d i c t i onary is indeed " t o indicate

o r show signs o f , the other

more c o m m o n usages a l l suggest

e i t h e r i n a d v e r t e n c e o r s o m e

d i shonourab le mot ive . W h e n the

w o r d is used i n the sense he

i n t e n d e d , t h e e f f e c t c a n be

a m b i g u o u s , as n o t e d i n E r i c

Partr idge 's excellent Usage and

Abusage. ' B e t r a y ' is , I w o u l d

suggest, more usual ly app l i ed i n

the sense intended to inanimate

objects, where there is less scope

f o r a m b i g u i t y ! ( I n c i d e n t a l l y ,

Webster also notes its use for " t o

show or i n d i c a t e " — b u t adds,

" (as something not obv ious on

the surface) " . G i v e or take the

o d d pinstr ipe suit , I have always

f o u n d S i r A s h l e y ' s s o c i a l i s t

pr inc iples h igh ly vis ible ! )

F i n a l l y , I won't make a cheap

r e f e r e n c e t o t h e i n e v i t a b l e

p r i n t i n g errors that crept into M r

James ' letter, but on the subject

o f spe l l ing , might I request that

the next t ime someone chooses,

h o w e v e r c h i l d i s h l y , t o s p e l l

' D a i l y T o r y g r a p h ' a n d not to

' correct ' it as w i t h my previous

letter. (Mutters cry of 'Censor

ship' (!), and exits triumphantly

(?)•)

Yours pedantically, and in haste,

G l y n G a r s i d e

E E 3

(PS : I quite l ike F E L I X real ly ! )

Parking Permits Dear Sir

M a n y happy tube j ourneys

ago after wanton ly a p p l y i n g for

a p a r k i n g permit , m y wife a n d I

( b o t h p h y s i c s p o s t g r a d u a t e s )

were t o l d we d i d not qua l i fy

because we on ly l ived six miles

out i n Is l ington a n d most people

w h o were a l located permits l ived

at least twelve miles out a n d a lot

o f P G s travel led i n f r o m O x f o r d .

I must a d m i t we left the U n i o n

O f f i c e t h i n k i n g " C a d s

B o u n d e r s ! It c a n ' t be t r u e ! "

N o w however I see the errors o f

m y w a y s . W h i l e w a n d e r i n g

casual ly a r o u n d the estate o n

w h i c h we live I came across two

c a r s w i t h v a l i d I C p a r k i n g

permits . " R o t t e r s ! " I thought ,

but then I realised o f course that

t h e y m u s t h a v e b e e n d o w n

v is i t ing someone f r o m O x f o r d

because we happened to have

overslept this p a r t i c u l a r day a n d

it was about 10:30am, a n d as we

a l l k n o w a n y b o d y w h o g e t s

p a r k i n g permits w o u l d o f course

use them every day un l ike two

h a r d w o r k i n g P G s w h o n e v e r

w o r k late or a n y t h i n g l ike that.

Yours non-forgivingly

R C h a p m a n

S C h a p m a n

Physics P G s

P S : T o d a y I came across a t h i r d

car a n d I realise n o w we s h o u l d

take up p r a y i n g to M e c c a as i n

certain other permit appl i cat ions

m e n t i o n e d i n t h i s n e w s p a p e r

before.

W e w o u l d be ob l iged i f this is

not edited too drast i ca l ly a n d

pub l i shed i n f u l l i f possible .

T h a n k Y o u

Mines Coffee

Dear Martin

I n r e s p o n s e t o M A G n u s

whin ings last week I s h o u l d l ike

to b r i n g to his at tent ion the

fabulous beverage service a v a i l

able on the first f l oor o f the

M i n e s B u i l d i n g . F o r a mere lOp

y o u can enjoy the peace a n d

quiet o f a cof fee-room f u l l o f

M i n e s m e n ( a n d w o m e n ) , the

s p e c t a c l e o f l i f e a n d d e a t h

struggles w i t h G o r f i a n E m p i r e s ,

asteroid belts a n d P a c m e n , or

t h e a n g u i s h as y e t a n o t h e r

student f inds that the in famous

coffee machine has swal l owed

his on ly lOp. T h r o w n i n free

w i t h a l l this sundry enter ta in

m e n t is t h e d r i n k i t s e l f , a n

irresistable chocolate or coffee

brew careful ly cu l t ivated i n the

dungeons o f the G e r r a r d s Cross

M a x p a x factory. T h i s assumes o f

course that y o u are not one o f

t h e u n l u c k y a f o r e m e n t i o n e d

persons whose loss is R S M U s

ga in . In fact this year I expect

r e c o r d p r o f i t s s i n c e , l i k e a

n u m b e r o f l e c t u r e r s a t I C ,

p e r f o r m a n c e h a s r e a c h e d a

p innac le o f unre l iab i l i t y as the

years have taken their t o l l .

So make a move , Space C a d e t

G n u s a n d get yourse l f over to

R S M . I ' m a f ra id we can ' t offer

y o u T y P h o o T e a , w h i c h is what I

thought G n u s d r a n k , but o u r

machine sure gives a mean cup

o f coffee (only lOp remember) ,

a n d i f you ' re l u c k y I ' l l give y o u a

re f i l l f r o m the vegetable sludge

i n the spil lage tray.

I t h i n k I 'd better get on w i t h

some R o c k M e c h a n i c s n o w .

Yours

M i n e s H J T

Lexham Gardens

Dear Martin

W e l ive i n a H e a d Ten an cy

flat i n L e x h a m G a r d e n s . W h e n

we m o v e d i n the flat was i n a

d isgust ing state i n c l u d i n g (as we

f o u n d out to o u r cost) fleas in

the carpets. A l s o the rent was

put u p by 2 2 % to £22.50pw.

I n v i e w o f M r G o u l d e r ' s

election pledge, (yet another one

b r o k e n ) , t o i m p r o v e H e a d

T e n a n c y a c c o m m o d a t i o n we

wrote to b o t h h i m a n d Students

Services. M r G o u l d e r ' s reply was

tota l ly unconcerned , he d i d n ' t

answer o u r questions a n d he

passed the buck on to Students

Services w h o have since done

n o t h i n g .

One member o f o u r flat has

since confronted M r G o u l d e r

w i t h these prob lems a n d was

t o l d , " I do not have t ime for

i n d i v i d u a l s . "

It seems that M r G o u l d e r feels

h imse l f to be above the prob lems

o f the o r d i n a r y student.

Yours sincerely

J o n a t h a n H o l m e s

Physics 2

J Soc Opinions Dear Martin

I as taken aback by the l ight

hearted, carefree att itude s h o w n

i n the J Soc artic le regard ing the

' k i l l i n g o f innocent people i n

L e b a n o n . . . ' . T h e a r t i c l e was

ind i ca t ing ' O K the n u m b e r o f

' c i v i l i a n s ' k i l l e d d i d n ' t reach 6 m ,

so it can ' t be described as a

h o l o c a u s t . ' S u r e l y n o ' t r u e '

r e l i g i o u s f a i t h ( o f a n y k i n d

whatever) can endure such a

s t u p i d , n i t p i c k i n g att i tude.

T h e artic le d i d get its message

a c r o s s t h o u g h — r e v e a l i n g yet

again the s imi lar i t ies between

t h e s a d i s t i c N a z i s a n d t h e

Z i on i s t s .

T h a n k y o u .

K h a l i d

P G M a t h s

• H H H H H I FELIX

Bar Accounts

D r Schroter has at last agreed to

let the B a r C o m m i t t e e see the

accounts prov ided they are kept

to people on that committee .

T h i s is a l ong way short o f what

we were a s k i n g , but at least the

accounts are avai lable to proper

student representatives, a n d not

just to Stephen G o u l d e r .

Gouldshit

N i c k P y n e b e h a v e d u n f a i r l y

when he a n d his friends removed

Guildsheet on Wednesday m o r n

ing ; they shou ld have d is tr ibuted

G u i l d s h i t a n d le f t Guildsheet

alone, or d is tr ibuted G u i l d s h i t

o n another day .

S t e v e B i s h o p a n d F r a n k

Rowse l l were hasty i n sending

r o u n d the heavies to deal w i t h

those responsible; they s h o u l d

h a v e d e a l t w i t h t h e m a t t e r

through of f ic ia l channels.

EDITORIAL Steve G o u l d e r was thought

less i n p u b l i c l y accusing J o n

Barnett o f theft; he shou ld have

been more careful in w o r d i n g his

letter.

B u t w i t h a l l the aggression a n d

i l l - fee l ing f loat ing a r o u n d , most

people have missed one over

r i d i n g po in t , namely that every

one w h o has seen G u i l d s h i t has

f o u n d i t v e r y f u n n y . A l l the

remain ing copies are now i n the

p o s s e s s i o n o f G u i l d s . T h e

n e w s p a p e r was p r o d u c e d by

N i c k Pyne at his o w n expense,

a n d unless G u i l d s redistribute

them at some po int in the future,

they are open to exactly the same

cr i t i c i sm as they a imed at its

publ ishers .

Leukaemia Sufferer

B a r r i e H o l t o f the H o l l a n d C l u b

has heard news of a ten-ye'ar-old

l eukaemia sufferer w h o is t ry ing

to get into the Guinness B o o k o f

R e c o r d s b y r e c e i v i n g m o r e

letters than any other private

i n d i v i d u a l over a given per iod o f

t ime. I f anyone wants to help,

please write to P a u l , P O B o x 26,

Pais ley , Sco t land .

Christmas FELIX

Next week there w i l l be a n o r m a l

F r i d a y F E L I X as usual . T h e

f o l l o w i n g F r i d a y , December 10,

there w i l l be a F E L I X Careers

brochure instead o f a regular

issue, a n d the C h r i s t m a s F E L I X

w i l l a p p e a r o n the f o l l o w i n g

T u e s d a y , D e c e m b e r 14. A n y

i d e a s f o r f e a t u r e s , h u m o r o u s

articles, cartoons a n d general

festive merr iment w i l l be grate

fu l ly received.

Impossible Without....

any o f the regulars , a n d lots o f

new people too . Spec ia l ment ion

to photographer D a v e W P a r r y

w h o r i sked his camera to get

pictures o f M o r p h y D a y , a n d to

Peter H o b b i s w h o stayed u p t i l l

the s m a l l hours p r i n t i n g them.

S o r ry we d i d n ' t have r o o m to

p u b l i s h t h e m !

I I i i i i i i i i i i i i " I V I T I i n i i I_I

"i~ri~i~i 11 i 1 1 1 i

T f i i i M I i I I I

i_ij;rrrrrrrrrri_ri_i_i_i_i_i_i_i_'.i_'_» 'tt~crc~~i~~~~<~~<Z!~'~<~'~<~' ' > 1 l' i i i i i i •_i_'_t_i_'_'_ i_ ,_ ,_ ,_ |_ ,_ ,_ ,_ ,_'-' " i "ri - i "Ti~i"rri" i "ri~rn"i "rrrri" i m i • • i • • • > • I _ I J _ M i ' ^ < L l ~ l " l ~ l ~ ' ~ l " ' _ ' ~ l ~ l ~ l ~ l ~ l ~ l ~ l " 1 ~ l ~ l " , ~ , ~ , ~ l ~ l ~ l ~ l ~ l ~ l ~ l ~ l ~ 1 I I ' 1 1 1

S P E A K I N G T O a large c r o wd

o n a semi - formal occasion is not

a t a s k w h i c h s t u d e n t s c a n

u n d e r t a k e l i g h t l y . I a m n o t

t a l k i n g a b o u t interrupting

someone else's oratory i n order

to make a correct ion or a j oke or

to r idicule the speaker; this is a

v e r y easy a n d c h e a p w a y o f

put t ing the speaker off, a n d one

w h i c h s t u d e n t s , w i t h t h e i r

c u s t o m a r y h a b i t o f f l i p p a n t

repartee, tend to overdo. B u t

when faced wi th a large c r o w d ,

a l l o f w h o m are l istening, a n d

n o n e o f w h o m w i l l p r o m p t ,

heckle, offer any encouragement

at a l l , the man beh ind the lectern

can be the loneliest m a n i n the

w o r l d .

Stephen G o u l d e r , for instance,

is far more nervous o n f o r m a l

o c c a s i o n s t h a n he a p p e a r s

W e l c o m i n g f r e s h e r s a t t h e

Rector ' s Recept ion on the first

day o f term cost h i m a night 's

sleep w o r r y i n g about how his

speech w o u l d be received. A n d

M a r y F r e e m a n (who on that

o c c a s i o n h a d h a d r a t h e r t o o

m u c h sleep a n d showed up hal f

an hour late) dr ied up complete ly

i n the midd le o f her welcome

a n d sa t d o w n m i d - s e n t e n c e

l e a v i n g b o t h h e r s e l f a n d her

audience h o r r i b l y embarrassed.

O t h e r s p e a k e r s t e n d t o t h e

opposite extreme, a n d ramble on

incessantly whi le not actual ly

saying very m u c h .

A l l o f w h i c h brings me to the

H G Wel l s Society whose cha i r

m a n proposes a vote o f thanks

to the lecturer at the end of the

weekly lecture. Last year this j ob

was taken by P a l l a b G h o s h o f

FEUxmwmmmsmmsm

Physics 3, w h o , w i th his usual

nervous courtesy, managed to

p e r f o r m h i s a p p o i n t e d d u t y

quite efficiently by spending the

entire lecture prepar ing his vote

o f thanks rather than l istening to

the lecturer. T h i s arrangement

resulted i n the vote o f thanks

bear ing little re lat ion to the ta lk ,

but otherwise was quite satis

factory.

T h i s year, however , one M i k e

M c C l a n c y has taken on the j ob

a n d he s e e m s t o be t r y i n g

to c r a m as m a n y g a f f e s as

possible into each speech, fa l l ing

over h imsel f i n his nervousness

to use the least sensitive w o r d i n g

avai lable . W h e n w i l l he realise, I

wonder , that saying " I ' m sure

there are lots o f questions y o u

want to a s k , " invites disaster

when there aren't .

T o be fa i r , it was cruel o f

M a g n u s P y k e to tell an anecdote

about h o w o n a previous occa

sion he had refused to answer

q u e s t i o n s f r o m the a u d i e n c e ,

when he had previously asked

M i k e to invite feedback. A n d

two weeks ago it was hard ly

M i k e ' s fault when J o h n P a p -

w o r t h o f the F o u r t h W o r l d

S o c i e t y s t a r t e d i n s u l t i n g the

audience because they cou ldn ' t

th ink o f any questions to ask.

But the classic i n awfulness

c a m e a f t e r B B C ' s G r a h a m

M a s s e y g a v e a t a l k o n the

Horizon p r o g r a m m e . A f t e r

wards , M i k e shambled out to the

front a n d , f o l l o w i n g the usual

cliches about an interesting a n d

in format ive ta lk , said that he

hoped M r Massey w o u l d be able

to come back in a few weeks

" w e l l , m a y b e m o n t h s . . . e r . . . I

mean , a few years, a n d that then

he ' l l have something wor thwhi le

to say . " A t this pont he was

about to give way complete ly

when, to the total astonishment

o f the gather ing , the n o r m a l l y

introvert P a l l a b G h o s h vaulted

the front bench, beamed up at

t h e a u d i e n c e a n d , w i t h o u t

p r e a m b l e , b e g a n t o t e l l a n

e x c e e d i n g l y b o r i n g j o k e . O n

reaching the punchl ine he sat

d o w n again a m i d expressions o f

astonishment f r o m the disbel iev

ing audience; the on ly m a n who

refused to be nonplussed was

M r Massey who proceeded to

pelt M r G h o s h wi th pieces o f

chalk .

L A S T Y E A R for the Chr i s tmas

C o m p e t i t i o n , we a s k e d f o r

appropr iate anagrams o f people,

places, bu i ld ings or inst itutions

connected wi th I C . (One of the

pr izewinners was an anagram of

I M P E R I A L C O L L E G E O F

S C I E N C E A N D T E C H N O L O

G Y w h i c h became O N E P L A C E

O F M I N C E D L O G I C T H E Y

A L L R E C O G N I S E . ) T h i s year,

I ' m l o o k i n g f o r a p p r o p r i a t e

acrostics o f suitable targets, a n d

as before there's a large C h r i s t

mas p u d d i n g for the best.

W h e n t h e New Statesman

a s k e d f o r a c r o s t i c s o f l a r g e

organisat ions they were rewarded

w i t h A L I T A L I A : A l w a y s Late

I n T a k e o f f A l w a y s L a t e I n

A r r i v a l , W A T N E Y : W e a k e r

A n d T a s t i n g Nast ier Every Y e a r

N o v e m b e r 2 6 ,��

a n d W I M P Y : We Include M o r e

P o t a t o Y e a r l y . E n t r i e s f r o m

students a n d staff are acceptable;

I ' l l p r int some good ones next

week a n d the ' winners in the

C h r i s t m a s F E L I X o n December

14.

W H A T C A N O N E say about

the new D e p u t y President J o h n

M c C a l l i o n ? F r i e n d l y a n d he lp fu l ,

i f a l itt le t a c i turn , he seems to be

t a k i n g h i s j o b w i t h w e l c o m e

seriousness a n d d o i n g it ca lmly

a n d efficiently w i t h h a l f the fuss

that other members o f the Exec

seem to need. In fact, apart f r o m

his myster ious credit in the R C S

H a n d b o o k as J o h n ' Y e l l o w l i n e s '

M c C a l l i o n , he seemed a s ing

u lar ly fruitless source o f mater ia l

for this c o l u m n ; that is , he d i d

u n t i l last M o n d a y ' s C o u n c i l .

S i m o n R o d a n , l ike his pre

d e c e s s o r as E x t e r n a l A f f a i r s

Of f i cer , J M a r t i n T a y l o r , is a

great one for us ing procedura l

wrangles to get his o w n way , a n d

d u r i n g the meet ing h a d cause to

challenge c h a i r m a n N i c k Pyne 's

r u l i n g . N i c k handed the cha ir to

J o h n M c C a l l i o n , w h o p l a i n l y

had no idea what was expected

o f h i m , a n d consequently cha ired

the meeting (quite efficiently)

by paus ing every few seconds a n d

ask ing N i c k Pyne what he h a d to

do next.

D R A M S O C ' s p r o d u c t i o n o f

Butley last week was set i n an

appa l l ing ly unt idy office, w i t h

w a s t e p a p e r e v e r y w h e r e . T h e

play r a n for two nights, a n d on

the m o r n i n g between them the

cleaners got to the set a n d t id ied

it u p .

I Page5

Last �� gave the �� for re�� to the �� This �� !�"��# J $�� %�& �� give the other side of the '()*+,-./

...And those against Imperial College Union was a founder member of the NUS in 1922 but

has had an unsteady relationship with it throughout its history. When

we last disaffiliated in January 1978 it was after the longest ever period

of membership, just seven years. The referendum which ended our

affiliation had, it is true, a slim majority for the anti-NUS side.

However, last week's article fails to point out that a second referendum

held a year after the first reaffirmed our decision to leave the NUS by a

majority of nearly 350 despite the strong pro-NUS campaign organised

by the ICU President and other officers.

W e believe that the arguments against j o i n i n g the N U S are as

strong as ever, and that i f a p o l i t i c a l l y mot ivated m i n o r i t y were able

to persuade enough people to vote for reaf f i l iat ion it w o u l d be a

major f inanc ia l disaster for I C U . So in this article we have examined

the co l lect ion o f distorted facts a n d hal f - t ruths put f o r w a r d last week

as ' overwhe lming evidence' for af f i l iat ing to the N U S , a n d out l ined

the power fu l arguments against it .

Representation to Government

L a s t week it was said that the

N U S 'negotiates ' w i th the D E S

o n grants, prescr ipt ion charges

(sic), etc. In fact the N U S is

neither o f f i c ia l ly recognised as

representing students nor is it

negotiated w i t h in any way by

the G o v e r n m e n t . Min i s te rs f rom

the D E S do ta lk to N U S repre

sentatives when they request a

meeting, but they have also met

I C U sabbat ica l officers i n the

past, a n d it c o u l d be argued that

ministers are more l ike ly to take

views f r o m I C U directly i f we are

outside N U S . A n y w a y the most

e f f e c t i v e w a y o f i n f l u e n c i n g

G o v e r n m e n t po l i cy is by corres

p o n d i n g w i t h ministers a n d M P s

w h i c h I C U frequently does a n d

w h i c h is open to a l l students.

W i t h grants what happens in

pract ice is that the N U S every

year calculates a grant c la im

( invar iab ly o f huge proport ions )

based on the past value o f the

grant a n d sends it to the G o v e r n

ment. L a s t year this was 17 .3%

(a l though they said it shou ld

have been 30%! ) . The G o v e r n

ment then gives us an increase

bear ing no re lat ion whatsoever

to the N U S d e m a n d ( 4 % last

y e a r ) . T o d e s c r i b e t h i s as

negot iat ion is a misuse o f the

E n g l i s h language. T o quote f r o m

last week's art ic le : " I t is the

strength o f N U S . . . w h i c h gives us

a 4 % grant increase . " T h a t

speaks for itself, N U S is ob

vious ly not very strong!

In fact since the N U S started

i s s u i n g d e m a n d s f o r g r a n t

increases i n 1962 the real value

has fal len by 3 0 % . The fact that

students are seen as a soft targets

by a l l G o v e r n m e n t s whatever

their po l i t i ca l c o m p l e x i o n is at

l e a s t p a r t l y d u e t o t h e s t i l l

w i d e l y - h e l d p u b l i c i m a g e o f

s t u d e n t s as s c r o u n g e r s w h o

spend a l l their t ime on d e m o n

strations a n d sit - ins , w h i c h the

N U S is ins trumenta l i n perpetu

at ing . (Last year the N U S cal led

a ' s t r ike ' o f students in support

o f its grant c la im. )

t i n u e d d i s a f f i l i a t i o n is t h e

c r i p p l i n g c o s t s i n v o l v e d i n

j o i n i n g . T h e subscr ipt ion a n d

associated costs o f conferences,

etc, w o u l d a d d up to a r o u n d

£20,000 o r 9 % o f the U n i o n ' s

income f r o m a l l sources. B u t

e v e n t h i s p e r c e n t a g e is m i s -

l e a d i n g l y l o w . M u c h o f t h e

U n i o n ' s income merely passes

through the accounts for reasons

o f good b o o k - k e e p i n g a n d is not

avai lable to the U n i o n to dispose

o f as it w i s h e s , f o r e x a m p l e

J Martin Taylor

Page 61

T h e N U S it is said prevented

t h e i n t r o d u c t i o n o f s t u d e n t

loans. In real i ty , whatever the

pros a n d cons o f such a system

the G o v e r n m e n t has so far not

in t roduced it because o f the high

cost i n v o l v e d , w h i c h is unaccept

able to the Treasury .

The Cost of NUS

Irrespective o f the arguments

against N U S membersh ip on the

g r o u n d s t h a t i t is a u s e l e s s

o r g a n i s a t i o n t h e m o s t o v e r

w h e l m i n g a r g u m e n t f o r c o n -

• • • • • November 26, 1982

Paul Simion

salaries a n d insurance. T a k i n g

these f ixed costs into account

gives a figure o f about 15% o f a l l

I C U ' s disposable income , so a

cut o f this amou nt in the money

a v a i l a b l e f o r c l u b s , s o c i e t i e s ,

entertainments , C C U s a n d other

student activities w o u l d be the

o n l y w a y t o r a i s e t h e N U S

af f i l ia t ion fee. Y e t last week's

a r t i c l e d e s c r i b e s f i n a n c i a l

a r g u m e n t s a g a i n s t N U S as

' f oo l i sh a n d short -s ighted ' . W e

do not believe that the dubious

benefits o f N U S membership are

w o r t h a great reduct ion i n the

sport ing , recreational a n d soc ial

facil it ies prov ided by the U n i o n ,

w h i c h are after a l l the p r i m a r y

reasons for its existence.

The Sad History of N U S Services

U p u n t i l 1976 N U S o w n ed a n d

r a n a large n u m b e r o f service

companies i n c l u d i n g E n d s l e i g h

Insurance, N U S Services L t d

a n d N U S T r a v e l . I n 1 9 7 6

N U S T r a v e l went b a n k r u p t . The

k n o c k - o n effect o f this was that

a l l the N U S companies went into

debt, N U S Services also went

out o f business a n d Ends le igh

was s o l d to the D u t c h c o m p a n y

G o u d a . N U S ' s on ly remain ing

c o m p a n y , N U S M a r k e t i n g ,

w h i c h runs the discount card

scheme, is los ing money since

t h e M i d l a n d B a n k s t o p p e d

b u y i n g the cards a n d N U S are

t r y i n g , unsuccessfully as yet, to

sell it . A n d yet last week's article

suggests N U S is the organisat ion

to ask for f inanc ia l advice !

Such student services that are

c u r r e n t l y a v a i l a b l e , s u c h as

Ra i l cards a n d I S I C cards, are

c o m m e r c i a l ventures w h i c h have

no connect ion wi th N U S . L o n

d o n Student T r a v e l was set up

after the col lapse o f N U S T r a v e l

a n d is o w n e d j o i n t l y b y the

travel industry a n d some student

u n i o n s i n L o n d o n , i n c l u d i n g

I C U . E n d s l e i g h is r u n q u i t e

independently o f N U S , is no

cheaper than other insurance

brokers a n d o n l y keeps us ing the

N U S n a m e i n o r d e r t o w i n

s t u d e n t c u s t o m e r s . I C U c a n

when it requires purchase goods

t h r o u g h t h e s t u d e n t u n i o n

b u y i n g c o n s o r t i u m S U S O C ,

w h i c h has no direct connect ion

w i t h N U S .

NUS Organisation

L a s t week's article decries the .

n o t i o n that N U S is ineffectual

a n d badly organised. One only

need examine the current strike

by N U S staff to see otherwise. In

an effort to introduce a m o d i c u m

o f eff iciency, changes in w o r k i n g

practice were proposed w h i c h

t h e s t a f f r e j e c t e d a n d t h e n

w a l k e d out , leaving the N U S

paralysed . In t ru th N U S is a

large bureaucrat ic organisat ion

e m p l o y i n g a r o u n d s e v e n t y

permanent staff a n d five sab

b a t i c a l s at i ts L o n d o n h e a d

quarters a n d several reg ional

o f f i c e s , i n a d d i t i o n t o w h i c h

t h e r e are n u m e r o u s r e g i o n a l

sabbaticals and permanent staff.

NUS Democracy

It is true that N U S is e x a m i n i n g

w a y s o f h a v i n g c o m p u l s o r y

elections for delegates. There is

no th ing new in this , they've been

l o o k i n g at it for years. B u t there

w i l l a lways have to be exceptions

for the numerous smal l colleges

w h i c h haven't the facil ities to

h o l d elections. It is f r o m these

s m a l l colleges that most o f the

p o l i t i c a l l y e x t r e m e de l ega tes

or iginate . There are so many o f

these smal l colleges that their

delegates f o r m a large b lock at

the conference, a n d it is di f f i cult

t o e v e n f i n d o u t h o w t h e i r

d e l e g a t e s a r e a p p o i n t e d . T h e

present dr ive for democracy i n

N U S is un l ike ly to change the

present s i tuat ion s igni f icant ly .

T h e p o l i t i c a l make up o f the

d e l e g a t e s is r e f l e c t e d i n t h e

election results—every year over

2 5 % o f t h e N U S E x e c u t i v e

consists o f Trotsky is ts a n d other

extremists. Qu i te apart f r o m the

h o r r i f i c s i t u a t i o n w h e r e b y

candidates are elected o n party

po l i t i ca l slates rather than their

i FELIX

abi l i ty to do their jobs we l l , their

po l i t i ca l c ompos i t i on is hardly a

recipe for moderat ion .

The Membership of N U S

One of the N U S ' s p r o u d boasts

is its s logan; ' N U S , one m i l l i o n

members, one movement ' . A p a r t

f r o m the obvious fact that the

i d e a o f a l l s t u d e n t s s t a n d i n g

shoulder to shoulder beh ind the

N U S ' s policies is quite r i d i c u

lous , one o f its weaknesses is its

very diverse membership . M e m

bers o f N U S range f r o m sixteen

year olds resitting O Levels to

mature P G students who are

marr ied with two kids and a

mortgage, and just about every

one else in between. There have

even been suggestions o f a d m i t

t ing the unemployed to N U S

membership . The many different

types o f student in N U S have

little or no th ing in c o m m o n ,

w h i c h makes the 'one move

ment ' c l a i m look a bit ho l l ow .

U n i v e r s i t y s t u d e n t s d o have

something i n c o m m o n , but they

are just a m i n o r i t y in the N U S .

In order to bolster its m e m

bership figures st i l l further N U S

is now try ing to recruit f r o m

sixth forms i n secondary schools,

a l though already it has been

banned by at least one educat ion

author i ty .

M a n y colleges and universities

have left the N U S or are c o n

sidering do ing so. Often apathy

is the on ly reason they remain

a f f i l i a t e d . I C U h a s r e c e i v e d

several enquiries over the past

few years f r o m other student

u n i o n s a b u t h o w we s u r v i v e

o u t s i d e N U S . P r e s e n t l y m o s t

S c o t t i s h u n i v e r s i t i e s , m a n y

O x b r i d g e c o l l e ges a n d K i n g s

C o l l e g e , L o n d o n a r e m a j o r

inst itutions outside N U S .

It is on ly one year since the

N U S issue was last debated at

I C , when it was also raised by

the same group of people. A t

that t ime despite the presence o f

the N U S President at the U G M

a n d other N U S hacks in the

preceeding weeks the m o t i o n

s u p p o r t i n g r e a f f i l i a t i o n w a s

overwhelming ly defeated. T h e

N U S President left I C in no

doubt about what students here

t h i n k about N U S .

E v e n to h o l d a referendum

w o u l d cost about £300. M a k e

sure that even this money is not

w a s t e d b y t u r n i n g u p at the

U G M on December 7 to vote

d o w n any m o t i o n ca l l ing for a

referendum.

J Martin Taylor

External Affairs Officer 1981/2

Paul Simion

External Affairs Committee and

PWP Member

I MEViT>&-£. CcVJS£QO€HCfeS.

WE. SE£ WEtAM ,Qdb cfc

Or" V 4 K U A K U J \ W T i i J G .

T o WCST B>£.oMfTo r>l...

OHM" ix5B»Tu,A:f •6fr\6ofcRMr4

TO MOC, rV WML C,oE>?|

F E L I X I I November 26, 1982 Page 7

U G M : A B O R E D G A M E F O R

C H I L D R E N O F A L L A G E S

1. There should be at least 300 participants. A shorter version

involving fewer people is available and is called 'Quorum

Caller'.

2. The players elect a Chairman who puts on a pink

turban/red nose/false beard/wooden leg or similar and starts the

game with the words "I open this UGM at six minutes past one".

3. A speaker is chosen at the Chairman's discretion. (The

Chairman's discretion is, of course, legendary-that is, totally

mythical.)

4. The speaker must talk for two minutes on any subject

without repetition, hesitation, deviation, punctuation or

mentioning the NUS.

5. The remaining players should attempt to put him off by

booing, hissing, shouting and suggesting procedural motions.

6. Players may also interrupt by attempting to 'submit

information' out of turn. When this happens, the Chairman

shouts, 'Shut up Stephen!' and scores a point.

7. Politics may only be introduced when no-one can think of

motions. Like mathematics, politics is merely a substitute for

thought. Suitable games for quasi-political boring hacks are

'University of London Union', 'NUS' and 'Euthanasia'.

8. The Chairman always wins because only he really

understands what is going on. The person who has won most

games at the end of the year is elected Union President and must

shave off his beard for charity.

T h e U n i o n G e n e r a l M e e t i n g is

the p o l i c y - m a k i n g b o d y o f I C U .

C a m p u s - w i d e elections, ba l lo ts ,

manifestos a n d referenda are

merely a hangover f r o m d e m o

cratic i dea l i sm, a n d s h o u l d be

abo l i shed altogether. T o justi fy

this rather dramat i c piece o f

an ar c h y , a cerain amou nt o f

b o r i n g b a c k g r o u n d is necessary.

D e m o c r a c y is the rule o f the

people , for the people , by the

peop le—one person , one vote,

a n d i f that sounds l ike a recipe

f o r t h e u l t i m a t e c o m m i t t e e

meet ing , that is exact ly what it

is. It was even invented by a

c o m m i t t e e — a n d i n G r e e k at

that . In fact, A n c i e n t Greece a n d

R o m e were the first attempted

democrat i c states, a n d the fact

that b o t h co l lapsed ( through bad

government) rather a l ong time

ago does not alter the fact that

we st i l l w o r s h i p their ideas o f

democracy w i thout real ly under

s tanding th em.

T h i s i d e a l i s a b s o l u t e l y

i m p r a c t i c a l , so what happens is

that the ac tua l business o f r u l i n g

is car r i ed out by a group o f

p e o p l e e l e c t e d b y u n i v e r s a l

suffrage. T h i s r u l i n g b o d y does

the w o r k for y o u , a n d i f y o u

d o n ' t l ike the results y o u elect

s o m e o n e e l se the n e x t t i m e

r o u n d .

A t this po in t the system begins

t o f a l l a p a r t . F i r s t l y , y o u r

representatives spend more t ime

t ry ing to get re-elected than they

d o ac tua l ly govern ing . Secondly ,

the who le business became so

special ised that the on ly people

w h o real ly k n o w what is happen

i n g are those i n government . A t

this p o i n t , the idea o f a referen

d u m on (for example) whether to

leave the E E C becomes pointless,

b e c a u s e the d e c i s i o n is t h e n

taken by fi fty m i l l i o n people

w h o have not the slightest idea

o f what they are vo t ing about ,

except what they p i ck up f r o m the

t e l e v i s i o n a n d n e w s p a p e r s ,

w h i c h are not necessarily u n

b i a s e d — i n fact, p o l i t i c a l b r o a d

casts and publ i c i ty ensure that

this is so.

T h i s i s r o u g h l y w h a t i s

h a p p e n i n g at I m p e r i a l ; U n i o n

officers are elected by guesswork

o r by default (any semi-l iterate

hack c o u l d be P u b l i c i t y Off icer

by n o w i f he h a d stood for the

post) . Sabbat ica ls are not elected

by the people w h o have w o r k e d

w i t h t h e m a n d k n o w t h e i r

capabi l i t i es , but by a n electorate

that w i l l on ly have a p h o t o g r a p h

a n d a page o f p u b l i c i t y f r o m

w h i c h to judge.

Last year 's pres ident ia l elec

t i on was a case in po in t . A t the

first stage, Stephen G o u l d e r was

on ly a handfu l o f votes ahead o f

B o b H o l d i n g , w h o stood as a

' j o k e c a n d i d a t e ' a n d w o u l d

p r o b a b l y have been the worst

President since.. .(insert name as

reader t h i n k s f it ) . In fact, i f he

h a d h a d a few more supporters ,

he m i g h t h a v e b e e n i n the

embarrass ing pos i t i on o f o c cupy

ing a post that he d i d not real ly

want , h a v i n g been chosen by a

r a n d o m candidate-select ion p r o

cess w h i c h favours ( in order o f

importance ) , h u m o u r , o r i g i n a l

p u b l i c i t y , good legs, ab i l i ty to

r id icu le people at U G M s a n d in

the F E L I X letters pages a n d the

c o n v i c t i o n wi th w h i c h refectory

.boycotts are p r o m i s e d .

A s a n a d d i t i o n a l p r o b l e m (I

quote unashamedly ) it is a w e l l -

k n o w n fact that the last peson

w h o s h o u l d be given power is the

one w h o wants it so bad ly that

he w i l l start his c a m p a i g n a term

in advance. (Quest ion : w h o is

c a r r y i n g o u t a N i c k P y n e

de famat ion c a m p a i g n i n pre

p a r a t i o n f o r the p r e s i d e n t i a l

election? Answers on a p l a i n

pos tcard to J o n Stanley , c / o

Gui ldshee t , C & G U ) .

Abolish Elections

T h e idea o f a referendum is

e v e n m o r e l u d i c r o u s — t h a t i f

there is someth ing so i m p o r t a n t

that no-one can reach a dec is ion ,

it s h o u l d be d e c i d e d b y f i v e

thousand people w h o have not

t h e f a i n t e s t i d e a w h a t t h e

consequences o f their decis ion

w i l l be. A s a n obv ious example ,

do y o u really k n o w more about

the N U S than y o u have read in

the newspaper articles or ta lked

about i n bars? I f not , than y o u

are p r o b a b l y i n no pos i t i on to

vote i n any future re ferendum on

the subject.

T h e log ica l c onc lus i on is that

t h a t a l l v i t a l U n i o n b u s i n e s s

s h o u l d be c a r r i e d o u t b y a

U G M . C o l l e g e - w i d e e l e c t i o n s

a n d referenda s h o u l d be abo

l i shed , so that at least voters

w o u l d have a chance o f hear ing

people w h o k n o w what they are

t a l k i n g about before casting the

votes. If y o u cannot be bothered

t o t u r n u p t o a U G M , y o u

p r o b a b l y s h o u l d not be a l l owed

near a ba l l o t -box anyway . A t

least the major i ty o f those w h o

a t t e n d a r e ( c o m p a r a t i v e l y )

respons ib le—I was pleasantly

s u r p r i s e d w h e n a t t h e l a s t

(obv ious ly inquorate) meeting

the Q u o r u m C a l l e r E x t r a o d i n a r y

waited u n t i l after an i m p o r t a n t

but b o r i n g m o t i o n o n the B a r

Subcommit tee before d o i n g his

bit .

I e x p e c t at l e a s t a d o z e n

shocked letters accusing me of

being an anarchist , c o m m u n i s t

o r m e r e l y r a v i n g l u n a t i c f o r

at tempt ing to remove the ' k '

f r o m D e m o c r a c y ( th ink about

it) . T o forestal l a few arguments ,

I shal l close wi th the faults that I

have been able to t h i n k o f in this

system.

Solutions, comments, critic

isms, men in white coats to me at

the FELIX Office, Wednesday

1:00pm.

The first fault is that people

w h o c a n n o t g e t t o U G M s

because o f p r i o r c ommitments

(or just a desire to eat lunch on

Tuesdays a n d Thursdays ) lose

their on ly previous say in U n i o n

affairs. The second is that not a l l

competent sabbat ica l candidates

are eloquent speakers—it is easy

to vote for an impressive piece of

o r a t o r y b y a p o t e n t i a l l y b a d

U n i o n officer. T h i r d l y , we c o u l d

end up w i t h far too m a n y people

at U G M s — t h e G r e a t H a l l has

l i m i t e d capacity . H o w e v e r , there

is no rule that U G M s must be

h e l d i n the G r e a t H a l l — o n e

c o u l d apparent ly be held in the

L a d i e s ' To i le ts i n Beit H a l l . Y o u

c o u l d throw some good parties

that way.

N e x t w e e k : B r i n g a b o t t l e

C o u n c i l meetings.

Adrian James

Page 81 November 26, 1982 FELIX

Food for Thought?

Last year the three constituent

college unions spent over £2,000

on freshers' dinners. Now £2,000

does not strike me as a large sum

when discussing union finances,

but it is worth asking if anyone

derives any benefit from this

expenditure, particularly since

last week's Guilds UGM came

very close to telling the Union's:

officers to stop freshers dinners

altogether.

Freshers ' dinners give new

students the opportunity to get

to know staff and students from

their o w n d e p a r t m e n t a n d

generally to have a pleasant

evening socialising. That anyway

is the sales pat ter used to

persuade freshers to part with

t h e i r m o n e y . H o w far the

dinners come up to these ideals

is the subject of this article.

Inevitably it is based on my

experience of the dinners organ

ised by Guilds; those run by

R C S U and R S M U may not be as

bad.

by Jon Stanley

Attendances at the dinners has

fallen over recent years ; an

extreme example is DOC—less

than twenty people went to this

year's freshers' dinner compared

to over 130 in my first year.

Few people are satisfied that

the meal they receive is worth

£8.50 per head charged by M r

M o o n e y . I have never heard

anyone describe the food as better

than 'tolerable*.

Very few people enjoy the

dinner enough to want to come

to another in their second or

third year. Moreover a signifi

cant number actually feel they

have been "ripped o f f by the

Union—hardly a good way of

encouraging participation in

other union activities.

Few staff attend the dinners

Those who do often only go

because they feel it is their duty

to be there.

Finally, if freshers' dinners are

a way of meeting other students,

it is certainly not the only or

most important way (can you

even remember who sat next to

you at your freshers' dinner?)

Not going to a freshers' dinner

does not blight you for the rest

of your time at IC (I never went

to mine in my first year and it

has not done me any harm!)

The Guilds President was only

able to prevent the 'stop the

freshers' dinner' motion being

passed by promising to change

next year 's d inners (and by

stopping anyone from opposing

his amendments).

Successive presidents have

promised to improve freshers'

dinners. Nothing has changed

for the better; in fact they have

got worse. Perhaps the time has

come for ICU to be a bit more

critical when considering the

C C U claims, after all there are

plenty of ICU clubs that could

usefully spend that £2,000.

O F M I N E S

A N N U A L M 1 , I , %

9 Jri*.- - fvrt ,u,i»JiJ J

tttit • M01234251

•/WrV Ti,i.t <.V,Y (r.-m •%.'S,XtU. ,<//i.v

«. i.-ti TV.. Iff}

?

Small Ads

•Wanted: Articles for The 6789:;<=the magazine of IC Union. Send your contributions to the FELIX Office.

•Vivien That last (space-filling) small ad wasn't quite as big as you thought was it? Love Martin. • A quote from Petunia Karl, I've always wanted to rub my head against your chest'....I'm sure you can rub other parts of his body as well! •Penny from Worcester Eryl sends her regards—Karl.

•Anne, have you never had one that large before?

•Got lots of friends? Then you'll need piles of Christmas cards, JCR, 12:30-2:30 on Friday Nov 26.

•Wanted: Cheap television set (b&w or colour). Contact Dave Rowe, Chem 2 or via FELIX Office.

• Help! Oramsoc need a Publicity Officer. Come and talk to a member of

the committee if interested or ring us on int 2854.

•Flatshare: Double room available in Lexham Gardens, £22.50pw. Phone 373-17367 ask for anyone in flat 2. •Flat for sale: Highgate. Top floor conversion, 1 bed, fitted kitchen, loft, lease 121 years. Near transport , £27,000, int 3024, eves 341-2542. •Reward for return of green loose knit sweater lost in top hall at Guilds Carn iva l . P lease contact Jeremy Humphreys, Mat Sci 2 RSM or phone 642-2080 after College. •Bored? Lonely? Depressed? If so find companionship at the Badminton Club general meeting on Tuesday atk 7:30pm in the Volleyball Court. •Tennis Club: There will be a mens doubles tournament on Dec 4. See noticeboard in sportscentre before Dec 1 for further details. •Many thanks to Steve Goulder again and Beit security guard for helping the Soup Runners find a van a week last Tuesday—Community Action Group.

FELIXflD

• Head C o m p III & Wi lson T3000 Tennis Rackets. Top quality gut head and synthetic Wilson, strung tight, both with or iginal racket covers , HEAD £30, WILSON £20ono. Contact Mike See, Chem Eng PG. Rm E245, int 2027.

• H P programmable calculator owner? Want to try a new intergration routine, Star Trek game, machine programming technique? Why not come to the GP Users' Club meeting, Saturday December 4, Mech Eng 313, 2:00pm. Details from W A C Mier-Jedrzejowicz, Physics.

•Washburn vulture electric bass and Carlsboro Cobra bow bass combo, excellent condition, £160. Contact J Steel, Chem Eng letter-racks. •Squash rackets: Classic 003, £12ea. Also selection of American-made Manta rackets. See Spor tscent re Squash Club noticeboard for details or ring Dave 731-6301 late eve. •Hlllman Hunter, K reg, new exhaust, MoT till May 83, good runner £130. Contac t N A h m a d , E lec E n g U G pigeonholes.

•Mahler Symphony no 9 One ticket of £ 5 . A n d r e w D a v i s c o n d u c t s the Philharmonic Orchestra on Wed Dec 8 in Royal Festival Hall, contact Cheh Goh, EEPG, int 1490. •Mamiya, ns1000s SLR camera very good condition, £80. Contact Cheh Goh, EE PG, int 1490. • T w o tickets for Slade, 17 Dec. circle £3.50. Contact M Johnson, Met 3. •Ford Cortina Estate 1973, ring 286-6748.

•Guns : BSA 'Scorpion' Air Pistol 0.22 calibre, good condition £15; also BSA 'Meteor' air rifle 0.22 calibre, perfect £50. Contct Gary Smith via Civ Eng letter-racks or at the Rifle Range.

• Renaul t 16 a u t o m a t i c e lec t r i c sunroof and windows, L reg. £100ono. Andrew, 286-4343 or C Plug through D O C 3 letter-racks.

• U l t ravox t i cke ts , c i r c l e sea ts , Hammersmith Odeon, Fri Dec 3, 3 t ickets ava i lab le £ 5 . 5 0 . C o n t a c t Richard Heath, Chem Eng 2 or 997-9002.

• J o b hunting: specialist advice and accurate typing (plus copies) of your curriculum vitae at reduced rates. Contact Ms S Otiv, BA Hons, Dip PGSL on Intnal tel no 2740.

•OM-10 plus ER case £70ono. Con

tact Jim Miller, Geology 2 letter-racks.

• T o 2nd yr B i o c h e m i s t (scar on LOWER lip) and OBSERVANT friend: thanks. Is payment for H 20 required? Nice to be remembered passionately, remember you too, Sugar (!?) A level chemist—Zofia. Request reply. •I'm dreaming of a white DHIMMI X Angie

•Dhimi, Dimmi and Dimi wish it to be known that they are in no way connected with Dhimmi.

• J o h n Barnet, J o h n Barnett, J o n Bamet and Jon Barnett, you're all Dhimmis!

•Angie of Linstead, you're a dhimmi.

•I'm dhimmi of a white Christmas.

• O h , dear, what can a Dhimmi be?

•Dhimmi again, don't know where,

don't know when...

•Free employment advice Beit Arch

0930 Sunday and ask for Norman.

•Glider pilots stay up longer! Have you had a trial flight yet? Come to any Gliding Club Meeting, every Thursday 5:30pm in Aero 254. •Graffitti prints all sorts of things. Time to print your Xmas cards now. Demo 1pm Wed.

•Winter Tennis: 4 tennis players with good club standard needed for indoor courts, at Vanderbilt Racquet Club, near Shepherds Bush tube. • IC Windband Despite having the largest windband for years we still have room for more players, particularly oboists, basoonists, trombonists and a percussionist. If you play (you don't haye to be >?@A good) and can spare a mere hour and a half a week, then come along to the Great Hall on Monday at 5:45pm. For more d e t a i l s c o n t a c t M i k e H o d g s o n , Physics 2.

• IC Wind Band still requires oboes, bassoon is ts , pe rcuss ion is ts and anyone who can wield a wind instru ment (even clarinettists!). •Cyclists do it with cranks, Beit Arch. "930h Sunday.

• A belated Happy Birthday to tne 1st year physicist with a spot above his right eyebrow BUT without a scar on his upper (or lower for that matter) lip. Anon.

•Toulaln Roadworks on the M1.

I November 26, 19821

• C i v Eng II failed to bridge the gap in

class and skill, and got rivted 5-2 in the

process. Structural analysis: PW5. Civ

Eng 2. PW rule the building trade.

•Would the owner of the black bra

found at the bottom of staircase 5 late

Sunday care to collect it from M

Evans, 155 Falmouth Keogh.

• L o c k up your g o l d f i s h e s ! T h e

cardboard cut-out and Pete are back!

• X of Paris (otherwise known as

Fran(tic) Lay): Thanks for not charg

ing the usual fee for services rendered.

Python of Linstead 127.

•You'll believe a mutilated pile of

flesh, bones and metal plates can

fly—see S W Ritefein, Aero 2.

• T h e lone ranger; children's play

ground is down the road. Tonto.

• IC Ents 4 Selkirk 1 A skill level this

high requires almost religious mania.

•Girls! My body for your electrical

appliances. Interested? Contact the

one-harmed bandit or Life Sci 3.

•Change of address: Alan Pearson

(formerly of Ongar Rd, Fulham) now

rises at HM Parkhurst, IOW.

•Marion Chem Eng 1: Saying that

won't entice me to nibble at your

flapjacks you know! Gary EE3.

•We have heard it on the grapevine

that Jon Stanley EE4 may stand for

ICU President 83/84. Makes you

wonder...

•Please Note The Royal College of Music Canteen

will not be open to IC students on Wednesday December 1.

The Bar, however, will remain available.

•Christmas Hall Dinner Wed 15 Dec 1982 BCDEFG

still available! See Pat in the Union Office. Bookings close 7 December.

£8 per head. Dinner jacket/Lounge suit.

•Renetly Gentlemen's Hairdressers

Discount for students and staff! Cut: first visit £3, second visit and after £2.50; Shampoo, cut and blow dry: first visit, £4.20; second visit and after £3.85. HIJ

to Fri 9am to 5pm Sat 9am to KL MNNM

Renetly, 154a Cromwell Rd, SW7 (Next to British Airways Building)

Appointments not always necessary.

I Page9

CND END SANA OP QPRSTUVWQSP XYQZ[ to \[V][ ^TSY_` at IC

compiled ab Zoe cVYPZ[T`CND den at IC by undergraduates and fgh. Activities includeiMondayi CND jkklhmkp JCdThursdayi noolpy meeting qrst Discussion group. Organise a Newsletter tuovlor meetings Films eg 'The jkwx' Discussion groups yz{|}~}�e peace events at IC and for national CND CONTACTS for CND at IC�O�[�

Christou (Maths ��Clive Harries (Mech Eng ��S�[TW Kelsey (Civ Eng ��

What a Nuclear Attack

Really Means

Written by Research Scientists at IC

END

Formed Spring 198�

Non-membership organisation which extends the movement for nuclear disarmament to incorporate all of Europe—East and noh�. Founded on an � ff�� L to all European countries to worl for a �� d �d�E ��d�f�. The many signatories includeiAlva Myrdal (Nobel \[V][ \TQ�[ ��Kurt Vonnegut European Conventions Fenner �TS]��V� Brussels 198� fexp�hmos END Bulletin Bruce Kent Berlin 1983 END fvuo s

SANA Scientists Against Nuclear Arms

Founded in March 1981 at Milton Keynes. This is an independent organization formed in response to the escalation of the Arms dv¡e and the consequent danger of nuclear war. Its membership includes natural and social scientists, engineers and technologists, statisticians and psychologists.

Its purpose is to provide reliable and objective information on technical matters concerning nuclear arms and other weapons of mass destruction. It hools to serve all sections of the peace and disarmament movement, Members of fv p�vwo¢�, local Councillors, Church and Trade �¢�kn leaders and to inform the media and the general public. It maintains contact and exchanges information with groups in other countries having similar aims.

SANA consists of local nk l�¢g Groups, whose members research and publish papers, reports, factsheets, huovlo s notes, bibliographies, media reports and xkklh, such as London After the Bomb. fexp�¡v��k¢s cover such topics as Nuclear £¤¥¦§¨© and Delivery Systems, Civil Defence, Disarmament, Nuclear ª«¬®¯\ �̀]°S�SX� of the Arms �V][±

SANA runs v²³ �hk ´µ x �o¶�¢·µ ¡k¢hep�v¢¡y services for Local Authorities, medical and religious committees and other similar organizations. For example, SANA members expertise aided the BMAEnquiry into the Medical Effects of Nuclear ¹̧º»¼½¾¿

due to be published in 1983, provided factual information for the Chairman of the Church of England Committee on The Church and the Bomb, and undertool critical computer analysis providing detailed casualty figures for the CND Hard Lucl Civil Defence Simulation. �À� ÁdÂ�N � ÃQ�[ \[PW� Dean of Science Faculty Ä\ÅÆ ÇÆÈÉÅ�cÈÊË

CONTACTS for END and SANA at IC �Tom Kibble (IC \°�`Q] �̀David Caplin ÌÈÍ\°�`Q] �̀ÃQ�[ Barnett ÌÈÍ\°�`Q] �̀Keith Barnham ÌÈÍ\°�`Q] �̀Norman Barford ÌÈÍ\°�`Q] �̀\°Q�Q_ ÎÏÐÐÏÑ (IC \°�`Q] Ò̀ÍSÓVYW°ST of London After The ÔÕÖ×Ø

Work for Peace at Imperial College

PagelOl I November 26, 19821

&oo4, ÙÚÛÜÝÞßà J -

r W do j o * i d° ?

I am frm Me

'f- doesn't- ofa s h o

iecqqie / keep a lou pn>f,le

I FELIX

Black Balls

and Exiles

Four Hundred Pounds by Alfred Fagon and Conversations in Exile by Bertolt Brecht, adapted by Howard Brenton, director Roland Rees, Royal Court Theatre Upstairs. Foco Novo Theatre Company.

A double-bill , each piece featuring the same

two black actors G o r d o n Case and Stephan

Kal ipha. The plays have the themes of exiles

a n d the game of poo l in c o m m o n . Four

Hundred Pounds concerns two black partners

w h o p lay p o o l for a l i v i n g , s u r v i v i n g by

gambling on their game. The story begins with

a dispute between the two, which threatens

their long friendship. Tecee (played by Case)

has deliberately potted the white ball with the

black at the end of a frame which carried a

stake of four hundred pounds, thus losing both

the game and the money.

The heated argument continues, with Tecee

displaying his disillusionment at his hand-to-

mouth existence. He feels that he must pursue

a more stable and worthwhile lifestyle. Bees,

his partner, cannot believe or understand this

change in Tecee, and has a different attitude to

coping with being black in Britain. H e prefers

to stay out of the system, he's a survivor who

is content to scrape a living playing pool.

• I R E V I E W S H i The second play, Conversations in Exile,

was written by Bertolt Brecht and adapted by

H o w a r d Brenton (who wrote The Romans in

Britain). In this production Case and Kal ipha

play Kalle and Ziffel respectively, two exiles

from N a z i G er many who meet in a bar in

Finland. A s in the first play, the two characters

have different viewpoints and att itudes—Kalle

is a socialist and Ziffel a capitalist businessman

and physics researcher. They begin a game of

pool and as their evening progresses they

discuss topics such as freedom, passports,

fascism and cockroaches . Often Kalle and

Ziffel agree but each arrives at his conclusion

via a different route from the other.

The importance of the pool game in the

action of Conversations is negligible. More to

the point, what chance would there be of

finding an Amer i can pool table in a bar in

Finland in 1940? None ! Presumably this pool

table which has travelled in time and/or space

•is part of H o w a r d Brenton's adaptation of

Brecht 's original work. The playwright of Four

Hundred Pounds is obviously not a pool player

either since his characters refer to 'reds' in a

pool game. Evidently he is confusing snooker

w i t h the a f o r e m e n t i o n e d A m e r i c a n p o o r

imitation.

Possibly the most important reason for

showing these plays as a double bill is that they

present black actors in one play which features

blacks as characters (Tecee and Bees) and in

another play which doesn't. Historically there

have been few theatrical opportunities for

racial minorities, for example blacks would

Acting

and Overacting

Man and Superman by Bernard Shaw, directed by Patrick Dromgoole; Theatre Royal, Haymarket.

In last week's review of Major Barbara at

the Cottesloe Theatre I mentioned that the

play was one of three by means of which Shaw

c o n v e r t e d t h e t h e a t r e i n t o a p l a c e of

provocation and debate. Man and Superman,

which has just opened at the Theatre Royal ,

Haymarket , is one of the others (the third

being John Bull's Other Island).

P e t e r O ' T o o l e t a k e s the part of J o h n

Tanner , the play's central character. Tanner is

a rather cynical bachelor who has earned

mistrust and contempt because of his little

book Maxims for Revolutionists from the

Revolutionist's Handbook and Pocket

Companion by J o h n Tanner M I R C (Member

of the Idle Rich Class) . A will entrusts Tanner

with the guardianship of a beautiful lady by the

name of A n n e White f ie ld (played by L i s a

Har r ow of B B C T V ' s N a n c y Astor), but this

has to be done jointly with Octavius Robinson,

a delicate and aspiring young poet (Timothy

Ackroyd ) , who has a naive understanding of

life and women. The plot is too complicated to

elaborate here but the character of Tanner is

quite clearly Shaw's mouthpiece. J o h n Tanner

turns morality upside-down and exposes the

grasping cunningness of women when it comes

to love and marriage. Man and Superman is an

e x t r e m e l y c l e v e r p l a y , ful l of c o m i c mis

understandings and superb jokes.

The production is an accomplished one, but

one did have one's doubts at the beginning,

n a m e l y , M r O ' T o o l e . A f t e r the first five

minutes of the play, which comprised some

excellent acting, M r O 'Toole burst upon the

stage shrieking at the top of his hoarse voice

Peter O'Toole as John Tanner

like a distraught warthog eyeing a stampede of

rhinoceros approaching in all earnestness. His

speech was often incoherent, with the ends of

his words frequently slurred, and he staggered

about the stage, his feet not knowing where

they were going and his long slender legs

looking as if they were going to give way any

second. Anyone would have thought the man

w a s p i s s e d . Y e s , h i s a c t i n g w a s a l m o s t

embarrassing. Success and fame have clearly

gone to M r O ' T o o l e ' s h e a d , m a k i n g h i m

behave like a male prima donna. However ,

after this initial outburst, things did seem to

improve a great deal (unless I was getting used

to it). W h e n M r O'Toole spoke in a quiet

m a n n e r he d i d h o l d the stage a n d one ' s

attention magnificently.

The acting from the rest of the cast was

excellent. Particular mention must go to Lisa

H a r r o w , James Grout as Roebuck Ramsden,

and Michael Byre as Henry Straken , a motor

mechanic. Despite Peter O'Toole 's excesses,

this remains a very commendable production.

Nick Bedding

Gordon Case in Pot Black pose.

only be cast parts in productions such as Loue

They Neighbour or Mixed Blessings or be

called upon to play the stereotyped black. The

number of black Macbeths or Hamlets is small.

That is, actors from ethnic minorities have not

been judged on merit. Some progress is being

made to recognise the talents of black actors.

Y o u may have noticed the token black

syndrome in advertisements recently. That is,

if an advert features more than say six different

people then one of them must be non-white. In

this way the advertising media pays lipservice

to ethnic minorit ies—they acknowledge they

exist. But in how many adverts featuring only

one person is that person black? I can only

think of one and the character in that advert is

Lenny Henry who is already well -known.

Nick Hill

Camelot—the film

M y first reaction on hearing that Camelot was

a musical based on the legend of K i n g Ar thur

was skepticism. M y suspicion was increased

when it became apparent that the model for

the story was T H White 's The Once and

Future King whose subtle blend of gentle

humour and pathos would, I thought, transfer

poorly to the more brash medium of song and

dance. But , on leaving the cinema I felt it could

have been much worse. Vanessa Redgrave

adds some sparkle to the acting and the

c o s t u m e s a n d t h e s e t s l e n d a f e e l of

authenticity and a certain excitement to the

overall spectacle. The generally turgid dialogue

is improved by the odd sharp one-liner and it

makes a gallant attempt to tell the whole story

(not an easy task).

However , now to the less savoury elements;

the songs are only noteworthy because of their

immemorability. A s for the story, it starts well

enough but falls to pieces, not seeming to

know which way to go in the last hour, and the

film as a whole suffers from the Hol lywood

conception of England and the English. It also

suffers (with a few exceptions) from a lack of

imagination with the camera, and I got rather

tired of seeing close-ups of the face of Richard

Harr is (Arthur) complete with furrowed brow

when he's about to make some (supposedly)

profound statement.

In short, it's worth a look at if you're a fan of

musicals but otherwise unremarkable.

FELIX November 26, 1982 P a g e l l

Stephen King hams it up as Jordy Verrill.

Despite its faults, George Romero 's Creep-

show ( A A , A B C Fulham Road, Shaftesbury

Avenue , Classic Haymarket) may prove to be

the surprise hit of the year. W i t h a screenplay

by top horror author Stephen K i n g (Carrie,

The Shining, etc) and the director of Night of

the Living Dead, it b o a s t s a n i m p r e s s i v e

pedigree and turns out to be an outrageous

blend of horror and comedy.

S t r u c t u r e d as a ser i es of c o m i c b o o k

episodes, Creepshow is a fond tribute to the

marvellously over-the-top stories produced by

E C C o m i c s . W h e n a y o u n g b o y ' s f a ther

throws his new Creepshow C o m i c away, a

spectral host appears to guide us through five

episodes, each introduced by the turning of a

new page. A s the drawings melt into live action

the comic book style is maintained by the use

of vivid colours and exaggerated motions.

T h e s t o r i e s are p o p u l a t e d by a set of

unusual, larger than life characters; in Father's

Day dotty old Aunt Bedelia returns to the

grave of her murdered father (as she does

every year on that date). But he has ideas for a

celebration of his own.. .This is followed by The

Lonesome Death of Jordy Verrill in which

author K i n g plays a wonderfully overdone

b u m k i n w h o f i n d s a m e t e o r i t e i n h i s

garden—but is it the solution to all his financial

troubles?

M y favourite piece, for the audacious title

a b o v e a l l , w a s The Crate s t a r r i n g H a l

Holbrook as a timid husband contemplating

the m u r d e r of h i s l o u d wi fe ( p l a y e d by

Adrienne Barbeau with suitable abandon).

W h e n a nosy janitor finds an o ld abandoned

crate in the local university, he unwittingly

unlocks a creature with awesome teeth and an

unusually strong desire to return to his former

solitude. Put them together and the mayhem

has to start soon!

Easy Meat Wel l , it's back to the fifties again this week for

another look at the Amer i can youth culture of

the t i m e . D i r e c t o r B a r r y L e v i n s o n h a s

discovered a new hang out for his ' i n ' c rowd : at

the local all night Diner, which is now playing

at the Empire Leicester Square and the A B C

Fulham Road .

The central characters are five men in their

early twenties who have lost all desire to grow

up, and are content to live out their lives

s p e n d i n g the i r t ime at the D i n e r , w h e r e

a t t r a c t i o n s i n c l u d e e a t i n g what l o o k l ike

Mooney chips in gravy or watching a man built

along the lines of a supertanker, eating his way

through half of the menu, to the accompani

ment of piped music of the Johnny Mathis /

Frank Sinatra variety.

Excitement indeed, only matched by the

scintillating conversation, mainly concerned

with girls and music. The talk about music

reveals that even in 1959, the crooners still

held the interest of this age group, and it was

considered rather rakish to prefer rock-n-rol l .

In a world still to hear the word feminism,

girls have one object: tame their man tie him to

the home. The knack is to enjoy playing with

your matches, but not to get burned. The guys

talk about their mixed up feelings towards the

fair sex, in a way they only feel they can with

the lads down at the diner, as they try to

reconcile the easy undemanding friendship of

their peers to the complex world of love and

sex.

Page 1 2 n H M H B n H

The last two stories are Something To Tide

You Over and the exceedingly creepy They're

Creeping Up On You, which may turn you into

a t r e m b l i n g h e a p n e x t t i m e y o u see a

cockroach .

Overal l the film is entertaining and at times

very funny indeed. Despite claims that you will

leave the cinema terrified, it is not this element

which stands out. There is little time to build

a n y o f t h e s t o r i e s i n t o a n y t h i n g t r u l y

frightening (as with many other episodic films),

and you come to expect the shocks, knowing

each piece can only last so long. Romero

seems to have accounted for this quite well,

but his timing was noticeably off here and

there.

H o r r o r aside, the comic book and comedy

elements are left to shine a lone—and they do.

'Diner' Mooney's with piped music!

This rather downbeat film is enlivened by

the active script of M r Levinson who draws his

characters with insight and great affection.

The diner is their retreat from the real world

with its beckoning responsibilities of careers

and families. F o r people who don't have an

institution like university to insulate them and

postpone the growing up process, the Diner is

a good substitute.

It is a visually appealing film with huge old

Amer i can cars trundling about mingled with

garish neon and washed out shots of desolate

i n d u s t r i a l i s e d l a n d s c a p e s at d a w n as o u r

h e r o e s f i n i s h a n o t h e r n i g h t of m u t u a l

examination and make their way home.

• • • • November 26, 1982 M

The use of comic book frames is effective, but

the marvellously hammed up characters and

u n u s u a l l i g h t i n g alone c r e a t e a h u g e l y

enjoyable 'comic book feel' which any fan will

appreciate. This makes for a very funny film,

which just about manages to tread the fine line

between homage and satire successfully.

O n reflection some of the C o r m a n 'Poe '

films, which must have been an influence on

Romero , may be more satisfying (will B B C 2

i n c l u d e The Raven in the ir B o r i s K a r l o f f

season I plead?), but Creepshou; comes as a

welcome break from the truly horrific spate

of 'slash the screaming teenager' movies of

recent years. It deserves to do very well and

can be thoroughly recommended under the

category 'good clean fun'.

Mark Smith

Rather more uptempo, just opened at the

Plaza is Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid, written

and directed by C a r l Reiner, who, in true

Hi t chcock style, also makes a brief personal

a p p e a r a n c e . T h i s f i lm is a t r i b u t e to the

thrillers of the 40s and 50s. If Diner was big on

character but short on action, this film sets off

at a gallop from the very start, and by the end

of the first reel we are inextricably entangled in

this spoof film noir plot and waist deep in red

herrings, as the action comes as fast as the

wisecracks.

O u r latter day Marlowe, Rigby Reardon, is

trying to emulate his hero. A suspicious death,

a hit list and bodies falling thick and fast, but

our hero struggles on with just a few bullet

wounds and a cut lip; underneath it all , of

c o u r s e , is a m a d m a n i n t e n t o n w o r l d

domination. M o r e Fleming than Marlowe?

W e l l t h e r i n l ies the r u b . T h i s is u p d a t e d

Marlowe where greater things are at stake

than the ruin of the odd smalltime gangster.

O u r hero also commits the heinous crime of

fal l ing for his ( female) c l i e n t , s q u e e z i n g

toothpaste over her shoes and talking about

pyjamas. This temporal warp is emphasised by

using clips from the original films, cut in, some

times cleverly out of context, to the new

material. This is done by various means. The

standard method of the time for filming a

dramatic scene with a close-up of the star's

face filmed over the shoulder of the co-star

who is out of focus is exploited, replacing one

of the protagonists to produce curious results,

including Rigby serenading Gary Grant with

his harmonica and the hopping into Grant ' s

III I • Ml IIIIIIWIHI1M —•IIMIII—llll IIIIIIHW11 III FELIX

shoes for that memorable scene with Ingrid

Bergman in Notorious.

I could be wrong, but I think this is the first

time a tribute has been undertaken in this way.

The result is a shade irreverant and bears

comparison with W o o d y Allen's tribute to the

film noir world of Bogart in P/ay It Again Sam.

In Allen's film he is worshipping his hero and

•IREVIEWSI trying to emulate Bogart 's sexual image to his

mundane world. Rigby as the dick-head private

dick takes to the whole lifestyle and tries to

introduce more modern dialogue. The result is

humour as Rigby struggles with the oversize

mantle he has inherited from Marlowe. The

superhuman control we expect, as the n n

tries to break through the mask, the emotions

betrayed in the narrative rather than the face,

contrasted with the transparent Reardon, who

takes advantage of Juliet Forest ; the rather

lack-lustre heroine, when she faints into his

arms on their first encounter.

I unreservedly recommend this film to any

fan of the tough guy-sleuth genre, or those

w h o enjoy s o p h i s t i c a t e d h u m o u r , w h i c h ,

a l t h o u g h o c c a s i o n a l l y m i s f i r i n g , n o r m a l l y

succeeds in getting a laugh; some of the

wisecracks are worthy of Marlowe himself.

Lee Paddon

Obnoxia in Oxonia

'Dead Man' Reardon foils the vile plot.

Privileged, AA, Directed by Michael

Hoffman.

Privileged is a f i lm a b o u t O x f o r d u n d e r

g r a d u a t e s , a n d w a s w r i t t e n , d i r e c t e d ,

p r o d u c e d a n d a c t e d p r i m a r i l y by O x f o r d

students. It is rather surprising, therefore, to

discover that technically the film is very good,

surpassing many produced on a much larger

budget by far more experienced film-makers.

A s a piece of entertainment, though, it is

rather disappointing; the plot fails to live up to

the standard of the other ingredients of the

film.

The story concerns Edward , an O x f o r d

u n d e r g r a d u a t e w h o is a g i f t e d a c t o r , a

womaniser, and a thoroughly nasty piece of

work. The film follows his relationship with

A n n , a fellow student. A n n and Edward , and

indeed most of the other main characters, are

involved in the University Dramatic Society's

production of The Duchess of Malfi. Parts of

this play are seen in rehearsal and performance

during the course of the film, and one is left

with a nagging feeling that some of the action

in the play might parallel in some way the story

unfolding around it. If this is the case, however,

it is never really made clear enough; if it isn't,

too m u c h attention is focused on the play.

The problem with presenting a love story

such as this is that, because neither of the

main protagonists evoke any sympathy, there

is no great feeling of involvement with the plot.

T h e m a k e r s c l a i m that the f i lm g ives a n

accurate account of contemporary under

graduate life at Ox ford . If this is so, then the

suspicions of many IC students are indeed

c o r r e c t — O x f o r d students are a bunch of

arrogant obnoxious bastards. There are only

three likable characters in the film, and all

three of them get stamped on in one way or

another. Jamie and L o r d A d r i a n both suffer

from Edward 's treatment of the two women

they respectively love, and Imogen, a friend of

A n n ' s , is assaulted in an incident which seems

to have only a coincidental connection with the

main plot.

Despite the deficiencies in storyline, though,

it must be said again that this is a well made

and well acted film, and it is to be hoped that

the people involved will go on to greater things.

Dave Jago

Blancmange sounding Hungry

M u c h to the chagrin of the Musician's U n i o n ,

the d r e a d e d s y n t h e s i s e r h a s g a i n e d i n

popularity over the last year and a bit, due

largely to Soft Cel l 's superbly sparse Tainted

Love/Where Did Our Love Go, a n d the

r e j u v i n a t e d H u m a n L e a g u e . T h e l a t t e r

producing a string of dance floor hits pepped

u p by p r o d u c e r M a r t i n R u s h e n ' s L i n n

Computer drums (replacing the rather weedy

rhythm boxes of old with some much-needed

muscle). N o w , hardly a week goes by without

yet another electropop band on Top of the

Pops. C o m p a r e d to the e c o n o m y of an

' isolation' or a 'temptation' , the razor-sharp

arrangements of 'New Life ' or a 'Don't G o ' , the

likes of Thomas Dolby, Tears for Fears , C h i n a

Cris is (and even Soft Ce l l of late), leave much

to be desired with new tunes that are finicky

and weak; too much sugar-coating on a soft

centre. So it's refreshing to listen to Happy

Families (London) by Blancmange who at least

sound hungry as opposed to well-fed and

b loated . It conta ins their current success

'Living on the Cei l ing ' , the third in a run of fine

singles, all of which you'll find here. I hope they

get a r o u n d to r e l e a s i n g t h e a b r a s i v e

instrumentals they wrote for M i c h a Bergese's

dance group 'Mantis ' . The Passage augment

their electronics with guitar, and a flesh and

blood drummer , their new album Degenerates

(Cherry Red) finds them further refining their

highly original sound with songs that range

from the gay abandon of ' X o y o ' to the uneasy

peace of 'Love Is As ' . M o r e than enough for

the converted, but unlikely to win new fans.

The live Passage is a different beast altogether

as they showed at IC recently; a formidable

barrage of rhythm and electronics, spiced with

Dick Witts ' lyrical attacks on government and

church , displaying a naked power only hinted

at on vinyl , (their encore of 'Lost In M u s i c ' is

t h e a l t e r - e g o of t h e a s s o c i a t e s ' L o v e

Hangover' ) . Dip into their singles selection,

especially the recent ' X o y o ' as" which boasts a

superior version of 'Born Every Minute ' , that is

truly 'Dancing Through Dark Times' .

Since 'Don't Y o u Want M e ' , released at the

end of 1981, the H u m a n League haven't made

a noise until the current hit ' M i r r o r M a n ' . N o

radical departure from formula. Without Phil

and Suzanne crooning at each other, the

nation switched its attention to David and

Theresa—Dol lar . I was going to suggest that

you buy someone 'The Dollar A l b u m ' ( W E A )

for Christmas so you could tape the excellent

string of Trevor Horn-produced singles that

ranged from ' H a n d Held in Black and White ' to

'Videotheque' . D o n ' t ! — B u y the singles instead

as the dippy duo have produced a number of

self-penned turkeys, and re-mixed the hits with

dire consequences. 'Give me Back my Heart '

suffers from heavy-handedness, and under

Do l lar ' s hands falls on the w r o n g side of

overproduction, and anyway, ' M i r r o r Mirror ' ,

with its Kraftwerk-l ike acknowledgment of

space a n d m i n i m a l i s m , remains the finest

electropop of the year.

Three recent re-releases at around £3; C B S

have The Clash 's first album out again, whilst

EMI come up with 'Searching for the Young

Soul Rebels' , the Dexys M k 1 S t a x / M o t o w n

homage. 'Fourth Drawer D o w n ' (Situation 2)

by The Associates is currently gracing the

racks at the H M V Shop in Ox ford Street, and

as this essential selection of pre- 'Suck' singles

w a s p r e v i o u s l y o n l y a v a i l a b l e as a p r i c e y

G e r m a n import, it's well worth snapping up.

Simple Minds have come on in leaps and

bounds since their watered-down magazine

days, and as the third single to be lifted from

' N e w G o l d D r e a m ' (Virgin), slips into the

' F a b u l o u s F u n F o r t y ' , cas t an ear to the

a lbum—more luxurious, seamless, sinewy pop

from the 'Sons and Fascination ' stable. A lso on

Virg in , Cul ture Club 's 'Kissing to be Clever ' ,

yet another greatest hits for a debut, you'll find

their recent single hit here, plus the superlative

'White Boy ' , and 'I'm Afraid of M e ' singles too.

At times Boy George 's harmonies rival the

J a c k s o n s — n o mean feat! F r o m the sweetest

boy to 'The Sweetest G i r l ' , the oldest and still

the finest track on Scritti Politti 's 'Songs T o

Remember ' (Rough Trade) . Svengali G r e e n

parades his gospel / funk/swing influences for

all to see, but this adds up to much more than

mere plagarism. C h e c k the winsome 'Jacques

Perida ' ; a new era of late light music? Apart

from a new, rambling 'L ions After Slumber '

a n d the o d d l y t r u n c a t e d 7 " v e r s i o n of

'Faithless ' , an album to savour.

T o pointless singles: The Higsons ' 'Tear the

Whole Thing D o w n ' on Two-Tone , is too

tinny, and not enough funky, and quite why a

Certa in Ratio should record a new version of

'Knife Slits Water ' (Factory) as dull and lifeless

as this is beyond me. Instead, a quick plug for

their colourful 'sextet' a lbum which ranges

from the usual abstract funk on 'Below the

C a n a l ' to t h e m o c k - L a t i n f r i v o l i t y o f

'Skipscada, everything pivoting around the

original tense and uneasy version of 'Knife ' .

Lastly, the biggest delight of the week was

hearing the new album from Siouxsie and

Bandshees called ' A Kiss in the Dreamhouse '

(Polydor) this is their best yet. Whilst 'Ju- ju '

p r o d u c e d a couple of exce l lent singles in

'Spel lbound' and 'Arabian Nights ' , and boasted

the excellent guitaring of J o h n M c G e o c h , the

structure of the songs was essentially the usual

B a n s h e e s w h i r l p o o l of go th i c h o r r o r a n d

chi ldhood nightmares. 'Cascades ' the opening

track sets the tone; a nod to the past, but also

a vanguard for the new style, less claustro

phobic than of o ld , with pan pipes and mardi

gras alongside Severin's insistent bass lines

and M c G e o g h ' s chimgin guitar. Consume !

Nigel Brand

FELIX November 26, 1982 Page13

S SOC.ET.ESI

STOIC The S T O I C dictator, Mart in Z Galt ier i , has

d e c i d e d that this w e e k ' s c o l u m n sha l l be

devoted to convincing students that S T O I C is

somewhat different to a banana republic.

a) Frontiers: A n y member of the IC Union

can cross the border into the studios, bringing

as much booze as they like, they'll probably

need it. Citizenship is achieved by application

to the local royalty.

b) Government: Something like the psuedo-

democracy practised in Britain except that in

S T O I C , if enough people want to produce

something the ruling junta has to give in (ie not

take the equipment home to play with). The

e n t h u s i a s m of th is y e a r ' s f irst year c o u l d

account for the late appearance of Electric

Blue 008.

c) Freedom: T o our knowledge no S T O I C

member has ever disappeared under strange

circumstances, no mass graves have been

discovered, yet.

d) Qual i ty of Li fe : There ' s food for a l l ,

reasonable, if unpredictable, hours, plenty of

sleep, nice weather (usually very hot unless

you're on an O B crew). Come and join us here

in the vaults of opportunity, maybe you can

figure out what we're showing next Tuesday—

it's certainly a challenge.

In short, our H o n Sec says he's never had it

(so good).

*FO Soc After the rather disappointing response to the

last q u e s t i o n the P r e s i d e n t (grovel ) has

decided that something slightly less taxing

should be asked of you lot, so that, being

students, you'll get the answer and, perhaps

win the prize (there really is one, too). N o w ,

lugs pinned?

"What is the connection between Malco lm

M c D o w e l l , Imper ia l C o l l e g e a n d S c i e n c e

Fict ion?"

Very simple, indeed (even Sue's pet Herpes

simplex virus could do that one). So , answers

to Neil Mart in , Life Sci letter-racks by next

Thursday lunchtime, please, and, who knows,

you too might be the proud owner of the

fabulous S F Soc Prize. I mean, look what it did

for the President (grovel).

Alfred the Artichoke

Bar Games night last Friday was a great

success with about forty people in attendance.

Everybody seemed to enjoy buying Mayfair

(not the magazine, silly!) or winning rubbers

etc though the Kentucky did not go down so

well.

Silly Sports outside Harrods on Saturday

was also a great success. Congratulations

go to M i k e S t u a r t of M e c h E n g 2 who~

c o l l e c t e d £188—the highest a m o u n t ever

collected in one day by one person. Despite

hopscotching being given the thumbs down by

a p o l i c e m a n , m u c h f u n w a s h a d w i t h

s a c k / w h e e l b a r r o w / n - l e g g e d r a c e s , h u m a n

pyramids, egg catching, etc.

N o w to forthcoming events: Today sees the

2nd 135 club trip of the year—meet union bar

at 6:30pm. The 135 club involves merry jaunts

to Y o u n g s t i e d h o u s e s to s a m p l e t h e i r

excellent beer. It is a great night out and if you

Bookshop News Every year at the Frankfurt Book Fair , a prize

is given to the oddest title. This Fair attracts

publishers from all over the world. Previous

winners have included such noteworthy titles

as "Proceedings of the second International

Workshop on Nude M i c e " and "The Madam

A s E n t r e p r e n e u r C a r e e r M a n a g e m e n t in

House Prostitution". Shortlisted titles for this

year are:

The Sacred and the Feminine—towards a

theology of housework

Organising Deviance

Carrots Love Tomatoes

Teach Y o u r C h i c k e n to Fly Manual

What do Socks do

The Creat ion (Revised Edition)

Sex After Death

Scurvy Past and Present

Keeping W a r m with an A x e

Braces Owners Manual , a guide to the wearing

and care of braces

Social Odours in Mammals

Population and Other Problems

As you can see, a good selection. We can

get these titles, but they will take some time

We have a good selection of Christmas

cards and wrapping paper, some really good

b o o k s t h a t w i l l m a k e g o o d p r e s e n t s .

Stationery items, the new design enamel pill

boxes with either the College Crest on, or a

general view of the College £21.50. If there are

any books you want, we can always get them.

We are a general bookshop, not just academic.

So long as a book is in print, we can get it.

A t t h e r e c e n t F e l l o w s D i n n e r , y o u r

i l l u s t r i o u s P r e s i d e n t was s o m e w h a t t a k e n

aback when I introduced him to my wife. Even

Bookshop Managers have wives! I hope he

enjoyed the book!

go to all 135 pubs you are given 4.5 gallons of

beer by Youngs . Forms will be handed out on

the night, which have to be signed by the

b a r s t a f f of t h e p u b s . S a t u r d a y is the

Hammersmith pub crawl! Meet Union Bar

6:30pm. This will be done with straws for

those with cast iron stomachs (ie not me!).

After the success of the last pub crawl which

20 people attended, we expect at least forty

people on Saturday. O n Friday December 3

there is a Gui lds Motor Club Rally. See the

Motor C lub noticeboard outside the Gui lds

Office for details.

Have a good week.

Jules

Tomorrow there is the annual rugby match

against the R S M A (old boys). It is always an

exciting match played in an air of fun, so if you

feel like watching an entertaining match and

giving a bit of support, come along as there are

a few places on the coach left. The coach will

leave Prince Consort Road at about 1:00pm.

D o n ' t forget that there is a U G M on

Tuesday November 30 (next Tuesday!) at

12:45 in G20. We will have slides of the Ice

S k a t i n g a n d a lso hope fu l ly the F r e s h e r s

Barnite.

Again, a date to remember! The Mines Ball

on Friday December 17. Definitely the event of

the year and open to everyone in College.

C o m e along to the R S M Union Office and get

your name down (and bring a cheque!). We

will accept postdated cheques till next term.

Please don't leave it till just before the day to

book your ticket (as it kind of messes us

around!) come in now and do it.

Anyway hope all is going well and work isn't

too tiresome.

Nige

Socialist If a close relative of yours was suffering from

great pain and in the last stages of a terminal

illness, would you be justified in agreeing to kill

your relative if he or she asked you to? This is

a very difficult question that few of us would be

willing to answer without a lot of thought. If

you've ever wondered how you would react

then please come to our next meeting (6:00pm

N o v e m b e r 30 , G r e e n C o m m i t t e e R o o m )

where a speaker from Exit will be talking about

Euthanasia.

If y o u ' r e c u r i o u s a b o u t what we do in

Socialist Society, then you'll be welcome to

turn up- a bit earlier (5:30pm or thereabouts)

when there will be a General Meeting. O r

come along to the Bookstall in the J C R any

Friday lunchtime. In any case, good luck and

death to capitalism!

Graffitti The brave graffitti committee prepared for an

onslaught on students. A n ad was placed in

F E L I X , d e s p i t e n u m e r o u s p r o b l e m s a

n e w s l e t t e r was p r o d u c e d (and left in the

c h a i r m a n ' s f l a t ) . T h e n e w s l e t t e r w a s

distributed with perfect timing (ie at the last

minute) and all was ready for the demon

stration on November 10.

What happened? Half the committee went

off to the National Graphics Exhibition while

the poor Cha i rman was dragged off to show

interviewees around College. In atonement for

his sins he was made to cycle to Fulham with

two screens and get lost searching for Serical

rescreening department.

A l l is not lost. The mega demonstration of

printing and airbrushing is to happen next

Wednesday and I will be there this time! If you

are interested please come up to the workshop

at 1:00pm.

Film Soc H i , there f i lm fans ! O K so the last two

programmes were the pits but this time it'll be

different: for one thing the films are not from

London Film Coop . This week it's the M a r x

Brothers (no, not Kar l and Hemi , the genuine

ar t i c le ) in The B i g Store a n d The Marx

Brothers Co West (50p to non-members; free

to members) both in one big, big programme

at 8:30pm, Friday ME220.

Incidentally, the reason I was not present at

the showing of Rat Life and Diet/Sad Movies

was not because I had already seen them and

was afraid I'd get lynched when they were

shown. However , as it transpired, I was indeed

wise ot keep away from the righteous wrath of

the paying (?) public.

See you there.

Jon

Pagel4l November 26, 1982 FELIX

http://SOC.ET.ESI

s PORT

Q Sailing

F o r p r o b a b l y the first t ime in

l i v i n g m e m o r y , the entire I C

team arr ived early at W a t e r

l o o — u n d o u b t e d l y a t e a m i n

w i n n i n g f o r m (?). O n arr iva l at

F a r n h a m stat ion , however , the

p r o m i s e d lift d idn ' t m a t e r i a l

i s e—Surrey Univers i ty ' s idea o f

team transport turned out to be

G r a h a m ' s b ike !

H a v i n g f inal ly got onto th

water, I C made a t r a d i t i o n a l

start to the first r a c e — H o w a r t h

got entangled w i t h the starter's

launch whilst K e n n e d y executed

a c o p y b o o k , but s l ightly pre

mature , v i c tory r o l l . N o t to be

outdone , H o w a r t h stopped at

the w i n d w a r d mark to wait for

the other boats , a n d used the

oppor tun i ty to tie his o l d wreck

together again . T h i s gave Surrey

the race w i t h Ist, 2nd a n d 3rd

posit ions.

T h e second race was a rather

better d isplay o f sa i l ing a n d ,

d e s p i t e B e v a n ' s m u t t e r i n g

s o m e t h i n g a b o u t h i s r u d d e r

d r o p p i n g o f f , I C w o n c o n

v inc ing ly . Surrey were evidently

a larmed at this threat to their

macho image, a n d refused to sail

the t h i r d a n d f i n a l r a c e — I C thus

w o n the match 2-1 by default .

T h a n k s to Pat (that's not very

good , is it) M i l l s for d e m o n

strat ing his H o o t e r !

T e a m : Bennett, Bevan, Dalton,

Howarth, Kennedy, Tostevin.

Three members o f the sa i l ing

C l u b : J a m e s B a x t e r , D a v i d

C h a d w i c k a n d G r a e m e Cast le

made up ha l f o f the U L team

w h i c h sai led at L i v e r p o o l a n d

Manchester last weekend. J u s

t i f y i n g t h e i r p o s i t i o n as the

B r i t i s h Univers i t ies champions

the team beat L i v e r p o o l a n d

Manches ter Univers i t ies easily,

the o t h e r v i s i t i n g t e a m f r o m

N o t t i n g h a m g a v e U L c l o s e r

rac ing but were also defeated.

Rifle & Pistol

The C l u b out ing to Bis ley o n

S u n d a y w a s a t r e m e n d o u s

success. P a n i c set in at an early

stage when Steve H a r r i s o n ( C l u b

C a p t a i n , contact v i a E l e c E n g

letter-racks) succeeded i n los ing

at least h a l f the squad . M e a n

whi le the remainder were being

FELIX H H H H H H H k H

reassured by G o r d o n that the

weather was certain to get worse

(prophesy correct).

E v e n t u a l l y w h e n a l l w e r e

present, the morn ing ' s shoot ing

commenced at 300 yards . T h e

late feature was J o n a t h o n , his

a l a r m c lock hav ing baff led his

enormous b r a i n . Steve's costume

was commented o n by everybody

at B i s l e y , t h e N S R A b e i n g

b e s i e g e d b y b l i n d e d m a r k s -

persons (!) r equ i r ing sunglasses.

H i g h scores were recorded by

A n d r e w H a m i l t o n (47), N e i l l

W o o d (45), T Higgs (45), M a r k

B o u r k e (43), Pau l ine P i k e (43).

A wet l u n c h was f o l l owed by a

very wet a f ternoon a n d c o n

dit ions o f near inv i s ib i l i t y over

the 600 y a r d r a n g e . P a u l i n e ,

C a r o l i n e a n d J u l i a mode l led a

sensational new line i n contour -

hugging wet jeans. H o w e v e r the

i n s t e n s e c o l d r a i n r e d u c e d T

H i g g s u s u a l a r d o u r . H i g h

scorers i n the a f ternoon were

S i m o n A l l p o r t a n d A n d r e w (yet

again).

Last Wednesday saw a heroic

t r i u m p h by I C over St M a r y s

D e n t a l H o s p i t a l a n d L o n d o n

M e d i c a l H o s p i t a l . St M a r y s were

completely outclassed whi le I C

and L o n d o n h a d a very close

match . Results : I C 577, L H M C

572, St M a r y s 523, T Higgs 89.

F i n e performances were given by

N o e l , Seamus a n d N e i l l .

Quote o f the week by N e i l l

W o o d : " J a n e makes me shave

twice a day otherwise it hurts her

legs."

Boat I C Boat C l u b reaff irmed their

status as the top r o w i n g c lub i n

U L at the A l l o m C u p Regatta

for L o n d o n colleges last Sa tur

day. They w o n eight out o f the

eleven events as wel l as being hot

f a v o u r i t e s f o r the yet to be

rowed Senior C eights f ina l .

H i g h l i g h t o f the day was the

o p e n e i g h t s f i n a l w h e r e I C

showed their class beating St

T h o m a s ' H o s p i t a l by two a n d a

h a l f l e n g t h s . O t h e r t o p c lass

performances were turned i n by

the open coxed f our w h o w o n by

s e v e n l e n g t h s , t h e w o m e n ' s

coxed four , the men's senior C

coxed four a n d B i l l B r a d b u r y

w h o w o n both Senior C a n d

o p e n s c u l l s a g a i n s t t o u g h

oppos i t i on . Other winners were

the novice 8 who w o n their event

wi th ease a n d S i m o n B o y d e -

N o v i c e Scul ls .

C r e w : O p e n 8: M Greaves, W

Downing, J Griffiths, D Allen, J

O'Brien, E Mendez, T Anderson,

P Edwards, Mastoid.

O p e n 4: J O'Brian, G Harding,

The new coxed four 'Stuart Rockell', named on Morphy Day

J Griffiths, W Downing, S A

Tenwatts.

Senior C 8: / Lamplough, R

Gee, A Wright, S Maddin, S

Boyde, R Stanley, D Moreton, N

Walkins, M Urch.

Senior C 4: / Lamplough, R

Stanley, D Morton, N Watkins,

M Urch.

N o v i c e 8: A Buchinger, R

Lucas, W Trewlella, M Kings-

wood, P McNamara, I Chapman,

S Markhurge, J Taylor.

Cross Country

The I C runners arr ived at B a t h

Univers i ty in plenty o f t ime to

a l l o w enough recovery after the

hike up the h i l l f r o m the s tat ion .

Once again we made up the

major i ty o f the L o n d o n U n i v e r

sity team—the remainder arr ived

just before the start after a visit

to one o f the local hostelries.

It wasn ' t surpr i s ing then that

four o f the six scor ing runners

came f rom I C . A n d y G r i f f i t h s

was first m a n i n i n thirty-seventh

p l a c e w i t h T a s s o A s t e r i a d e s

r u n n i n g v e r y w e l l t o f i n i s h

t h i r t y - n i n t h , hav ing just resumed

t ra in ing after a neck in jury .

The f o l l o w i n g also completed

the f i ve m i l e c o u r s e w i t h o u t

fa l l ing i n the q u a r r y a n d he lped

L o n d o n U n i v e r s i t y r e t a i n i ts

f i f t h p o s i t i o n o v e r a l l i n t h e

l e a g u e : R o b M o r r i s o n , N i c k

F e n w i c k , G r a h a m H a r k e r ,

H u g h D i x o n , Steven T a y l o r a n d

J o n Fros t (Capt ) .

Basketball IC vs St Marys 52-66

H a v i n g been beaten the previous

night by B a r o R o a d , we were

faced w i t h another t ough f ixture

a g a i n s t St M a r y s , l a s t y e a r ' s

league winners . O n l y six players

made the t r ip to T w i c k e n h a m

(al l i n A n d y ' s F o r d Escor t ) , a n d

i f it wasn ' t for K e n ' s incredible

I November 26, 1982

nav igat ing we w o u l d n ' t have got

there at a l l !

The match was p layed w i t h a

dist inct lack o f substitutes a n d i n

front o f a c o r w d o f about forty

'host i le ' people. B r i a n ' s (casual)

'3 po int p lays ' , K e n ' s (even more

c a s u a l ) h o o k s h o t s a n d a n

insp i red team per formance gave

us a wel l deserved hal f - t ime lead.

S i x minutes i n t o the second

ha l f the s tra in started to show in

our team. L a c k o f concentrat ion ,

brought on by t i red legs, gave St

M a r y s the chance to develop a

ten po int lead.

A morale ra i s ing team talk

managed to stop the rot f r o m

setting i n , but , try as we might ,

we cou ldn ' t reduce the lead. T h e

refereeing d idn ' t help o u r cause

but i n the end a very sat is fying

result.

T e a m : Brian, Tim, Kastio,

Tammann, Andy and Ken.

Cycling A n d so five were chosen by fate

to commence g ladator ia l battle

w i t h t h e d e m i - g o d d i s t a n c e ,

aided in his evil ways by the

elemental w i n d .

O n trusty steeds o f i r o n a n d

Reyn o lds 531 they set out f r o m

t h e i r h o m e , s t e a d i l y b e a t i n g

distance in to the g r o u n d . D i s

tance in his t u r n threw hi l ls a n d

d e t o u r s at t h e m , a n d w i n d

fought ceaselessly.

T h e f i v e p a s s e d a c a s t l e

(closed for winter) a n d a R o m a n

v i l la (closed for lunch) f i n d i n g

no a id . E v e n t u a l l y t ime out was

cal led at a hostelry in the barren

o u t l a n d near S h o r e h a m .

T h e s e c o n d r o u n d p r o v e d

easier, w i t h distance on the r u n .

W i n d , sensing the t u r n i n events,

opted to a i d the gal lant five as

they re turned , t r i u m p h a n t to the

crystal c ity .

T h e rules state: " W i n n e r s stay

o n " , so this week battle w i l l be

r e s u m e d a s o t h e r w h e e l e d

stal l ions depart . T h e faces may

change but the fight goes on .

n H H M H H H H H H P a g e l S

!

Football

Firsts

IC vs UC 0-0

I C ' s b o l d , a t tack ing style o f play

r e a l l y s h o w e d i n t h i s h i g h -

miss ing 0-0 draw wi th UC.

S o l i d at the back , d o m i n a t i n g

mid f i e ld a n d l o o k i n g good go ing

f o r w a r d I C were soon i n c o n t r o l ;

G r a h a m and J o h n R i g b y ( i m

pressive on this rare appearance

i n the h i g h e r r eaches o f the

game) went close as I C again

fai led to turn pressure into goals.

A f t e r the oranges I C surged

f o r w a r d l o o k i n g for the goa l

w h i c h w o u l d have sealed the

game. E v e n Steve D u n h i l l had a

s h o t — m i s s i n g b y a m a r g i n

n e a r i n g t h e s i z e o f D e a n o ' s

s t omach !

D u r i n g a r a r e m o m e n t o f

danger K e v (whi le a i m i n g at the

p a v i l i o n two fields away) m a n

aged to give the ba l l straight to a

U C f o r w a r d b u t Steve ( w i t h

goalkeeper A l a n c l ing ing des

perately to his leg) was there to

clear the ba l l o f f the l ine.

T h e game ended wi th I C again

a t tack ing , a str ing o f corners

p r o v i n g the A n d y Page t h e o r y —

i f y o u put enough men in the

box, you 've got about as m u c h

chance o f scor ing as G r i m s b y .

I C vs Westminster Hosp 5-1

T h e thr i l l s o f the C u p came early

to L o n d o n last week. A s E n f i e l d

a n d D a g e n h a m (yes, it should

have been Too t ing ) prepared to

take on the league giants (?) in

the F A C u p , I C 1st X I were

beg inn ing their defence o f T H E

C u p . C a r n i v a l i t i s was diagnosed

as the m a j o r r e a s o n f o r the

d r a w n f i r s t m a t c h b u t , f o r

thereplay, a l l were recovered.

T h e oppos i t ion ' s late ar r iva l

meant it c o u l d have gone to

penalties, i f d r a w n again . W e

cou ldn ' t agree on an order for

the five, so we thought we 'd

better w in before the need arose.

I C s t a r t e d i n p a r a l y s i n g (?)

f o r m , but the usual catalogue o f

misses bu i l t u p . Final ly . . . success .

Stephenson s l id ing in R i c k a r d ' s

free k i c k , and then la t ch ing on to

M c G u c k i n ' s qu ick free k i ck to

make it two. S l i n k y felt out o f it

so he looped in a long one,

s h o w i n g G r i f f how to do i t .

3-0? We 've done enough. Le t

t h e m p l a y a b i t . M i s t a k e .

Westminster pushed menacingly

f o r w a r d , e v e n t u a l l y f o r c i n g

P i n o c h i o C u r r a n to v ic ious ly

hack d o w n their m a n . Penal ty !

3-1 at ha l f - t ime .

Second h a l f and they real ly áâãä å æçèççççéçé I

thought they had a chance. N o t

so. Stephenson d i d a passable

impress ion o f the D e a n o Weeble

over the goalkeeper leaving ice-

c o o l (?) Reeve to score f r o m the

spot . T h e game was as g o o d as

over. I C began to ravage the

o p p o s i t i o n w i t h a succession o f

fluent moves (managed to pass

to each other , not them!) , the

best o f w h i c h saw S l i n k y dr ive a

vol ley home f r o m fifty (probably

a lot less!) yards .

In the d y i n g seconds P i n n o -

c h i o made the by- l ine on the

right a n d p r o d u c e d , at last, the

perfect far post cross. There was

M c G u c k i n , u n m a r k e d , one yard

o u t . W o u l d he head i t , k i ck i t ,

even touch it? R i s i n g l ike the

proverb ia l s a l m o n he placed the

ba l l very neatly , for a goal k i c k !

T e a m : Harlow, Curran, Reeve,

Dunhill, Griffiths, Lay, Page,

McGuckin, Dean, Stephenson,

Rickard.

Fourths

IC vs RFH I 2-0

T h e F o u r t h s travel led away a n d

they certa in ly cut some dashing

figures on the tube; none more

so than J o h n H e r d i n a styl ish

combat jacket . O n t o the m a t c h ,

a n d this was certainly a game o f

two halves, B r i a n . In the first

h a l f , w h i c h was p l a y e d f i r s t ,

Russ T h o m a s bagged two goals

i n his debut for the F o u r t h s . In

t h e s e c o n d , n o b o d y s c o r e d ,

certainly not Russ , wise to the

fact that another goal c ou ld cost

h i m a j u g . S o we w o n 2 - 0 ,

c o m p l e t i n g t h e d o u b l e o v e r

R F H 1 this season. A t the team

meal afterwards, pie a n d beans,

there was m u c h talk o f a m b i t i o n ,

J o h n R i g b y is st i l l h o p i n g to eat

a whole curry o n his o w n a n d

maybe even score as wel l .

T e a m : Slater, Maddy, Kelland,

Barden (Capt), Higham, Herd,

Wilde, Martin, Thomas, Rigby,

Hor spool. Sub: Vacant.

Fifths

I C V t h X I have recently risen to

the depths o f mediocr i ty after

two marg ina l wins over G u y s II

X I . The fact that G u y s are st i l l

seeking their first w i n this season

s h o u l d n o t d e t r a c t f r o m a

m a r v e l l o u s I C p e r f o r m a n c e ,

d u r i n g w h i c h they managed to

str ing two passes together for the

f i r s t t i m e t h i s s e a s o n . T h e

s t u n n i ng br i l l iance o f I C s h o u l d

not , however, be overshadowed

by any unrepresentative results

t h e y m a y h a v e e n c o u n t e r e d

d u r i n g the e a r l y p a r t o f the

• n B H H H N o v e m b e r êë, 198ì

season. F r o m here the V t h s can

on ly improve .

The f o l l o w i n g people have so

far managed to put the ba l l in

t h e o p p o s i t i o n ' s n e t : t w i c e .

M a l c o l m D i c k , S teve W a r d ,

D e s t a l l , A d a m R o s e , D a v e

' K e v i n K e e g a n ' S t e p h e s o n ,

J i m m y C h e n g . O n c e : N i c k

L a w t o n , J o h n R i g b y , R o b B i r d ,

P h i l H u n t , T o m D a l e , G r a n t

C a m e r o n . N o goals (but have

p layed more than once): P a u l

S i m p s o n , R u s s G i l b e r t , P a t

Nag le , D a v e Br ad l e y , M a r t i n

K e l l e r m a n , J o h n Stewart , C h r i s

T o n e r , Pete M i l l e r .

Goa lkeepers w i l l be welcomed

w i t h open arms by A d a m Rose.

Sixths

IC vs U C H II 5-4

A f t e r Saturdays 6-0 thrashing at

the hands o f L H 3 a n d a pre -

match d r i n k i n g ban imposed by

capta in , goalkeeper a n d general

hero N i c k D a w s o n , our hopes o f

a better start q u i c k l y evaporated

as U C H took c o n t r o l , a n d the

lead w i t h two goals i n the first

t w e n t y m i n u t e s . T h e f i r s t o f

these a par t i cu lar ly magnif icent

o w n goal by D a v e K e e n , g lanc ing

t h e b a l l p a s t h i s c o n f u s e d

capta in .

H o w e v e r showing great char

acter the sixths ra l l i ed to level

the score at ha l f t ime wi th a

b r i l l i a n t g o a l d i r e c t f r o m a

corner by O ' C o n n e r , a n d a l ong

range effort f r o m Peter Rodgers

w h i c h f o u n d the far corner f r o m

al l o f forty yards.

A f t e r a lucky break U C H took

the lead again f r o m a penalty but

again I C ' s persistence p a i d of f

w h e n a f i n e f r e e k i c k f r o m

O ' C o n n e r f ound the back o f the

net.

A n o t h e r qu i ck break by the

h o m e t e a m f o u n d us b e h i n d

again but two late goals, the first

a wel l - f inished run through by

J o h n K e v e n d i a n d the second on

an opportunist effort by M a r t i n

K e l l e r m a n sealed U C H ' s fate.

(PS G e t wel l soon G a v i n )

^ Hockey

Mixed

A f t e r last w e e k ' s r a t h e r u n

successful escapade; D C I W a l l

d e c i d e d t o t r y h e r h a n d a t

something new. Since there were

no other pressing engagements

W a l l ' s inc idental cr ime squad

w e r e t o a s s i s t D I B e l l a n d

F r a n k l i n o f the p o r n squad in

locat ing the last few copies o f

a h a r d c o r e m a g a z i n e ' T h e

Ladies H o c k e y Repor t ' .

H a v i n g incured di f f i culty i n

f ind ing the local force D C I W a l l

a n d her men set about d igg ing

up a l o ca l turn ip f ield where

copies o f the R a g were k n o w n to

be bur ied .

A l t h o u g h W P C s M a s o n ' s a n d

Whitehead ' s agr i cu l tura l ski l ls

were staggering; their fine efforts

were rather hampered by D C I

E ldr idge ' s habit o f f i l l ing in the

holes by fa l l ing i n the m u d .

A f t e r about h a l f a n h o u r the

s q u a d s u d d e n l y r e a l i s e d t h a t

D C I A y e r s o f the F irs t D i v i s i o n

h a d t u r n e d u p c o m p l a i n i n g

about his m i s l a i d bal ls a n d f r o m

t h i s p o i n t t h e p r o c e e d i n g s

complete ly degenerated.

F o r some reason he started

a r r e s t i n g the f r i e n d l y l o c a l

bobbies w i t h displays o f inept i

t u d e r a r e l y s e e n e x c e p t a t

Swansea C i t y home ties.

T h u s wi th confus ion reigning

supreme, the magazines st i l l not

located a n d the ra in drench ing

o u r heroes (and heroines) we are

forced to ask the quest ion: w i l l

D C I W a l l ever catch the scoun

drel responsible for this c o r r u p

tive magazine? If you 're real ly

interested read on next week for

the next excit ing episode o f W a l l

o f the Y a r d .

T e a m : Caroline, Ruth, Sarah

(very nearly I), Sue, Andy, Barry,

Chas (1?), Geoff (3), Sean (1),

Chris (-0).

Squash

A very healthy crop o f results

last week; true f o rm at last?

I C lsts 3 Q M C Ists 2

I C 2nds 5 I C R F l s t s 0

I C 3rds 4 U C H 2nds 1

I C 4ths 2 L S E 3rds 3

I C 5ths 4 U C H 3rds 1

N B : Last week's Ladies result

was s l ight ly incorrect !

The 5th team got of f to a

f ly ing start, whi le the 3rds a n d

4ths p i cked up m u c h needed

points . Needless to say the lsts

a n d 2nds continue to dominate

al l oppos i t i on . K e e p it up lads,

A C C might buy us a trophy

c a b i n e t i f we w i n t h e F i r s t

D i v i s i o n .

T h e night out on T h u r s d a y

was a s to rming success for those

w h o attended, a l l credit to J o h n .

T h e evening was r o u n d e d o f f i n

s u p e r b s ty l e w h e n the L o n e

Ranger 's cr i t ics , on a statue i n

K e n s i n g t o n P a l a c e G a r d e n s ,

were interrupted by a un i f o rmed

gentleman armed wi th torch and

sense o f h u m o u r . N e x t t r i p :

F u l h a m A d v e n t u r e P l a y g r o u n d .

mmmmmmmmmmfEux

I

Swimming In defending the men's po ints

t rophy I C complete ly h u m i l i a t e d

the rest o f U L U ' s swimmers by

w i n n i n g a l l but one o f the men's

events. A n d i n those events we

w o n , we also t ook a second o r

t h i r d place. In the i n d i v i d u a l

points c ompet i t i on James Pear

s o n w a s f i r s t ; 2 n d M a r c u s

P l u m b y ; 3rd Ian R u d d l e .

Summary of Results íîî ï ð ñ ò I F r a n c e óôd

33m ï ð ñ ò I õö÷÷ øe 1st ùúúm û ð ñ ò J üýþ ÿ ��n 1st

� I õö÷÷ � e ��

d ùúúm û � ð � ò B C h a p p e l l � h ùúúm ï ð ñ ò M � � � � y 1st

� � �� s

3 r d ùúúm ï ð ñ ò M � � � � y 1st� J üýþÿ ��n ��

d � x 33 I Mò J üýþ ÿ��n 1st

M e d l e y �� I C ' A ' 1stò I C ' B ' óô d � �

C �� I C ' A ' 1st� I C ' B ' 3 rd � !" #s of Fosters

$ % L e a c h 1st

3 x 1 &'d ()* e +,-.. /0 1 2 I �3 44 5 � , o n l y

1 c o m p e t i t o r

In the c o m b i n e d mens / lad ies

title I C also f in ished 1st despite

the complete absence o f a ladies

team o n T h u r s d a y . C o m p l e t e

d o m i n a t i o n w i l l result next year.

T e a m : P Rogers, R Rogers, M

Plumley, J Pearson, B Chappell, I

France, I Ruddle*, J Boucher *, R

Leach (non-swimming alcoholic).

* Bar reps.

^Badminton

Firsts

I C vs LSE 9-0

Despite a last minute change i n

venue, a l l the players manage to

arrive on t ime. The o p p o s i t i o n

team came w i t h on ly five players.

One o f their players a r r ived late

a n d then per fo fmed a d isappear

ing act w h i c h even baff led his

teammates. S t i l l , the f ina l result

was decisive; they lost a l l their

games. Seems l ike we are o n our

way to reta in ing the C u p this

season—wel l done lads.

Players : / Bull, D Demico, T

Lai, L Yap, P Smith, S Chiang.

Thirds

I C vs U C 9-0

W i t h the T h i r d s p i c k e d solely on

their ab i l i ty to poke people o n

t u b e s w i t h t h e i r b a d m i n t o n

r a c k e t s , a h o m e m a t c h w a s

always go ing to be di f f i cul t , I

decided to d r o p the ineffectual

C h r i s M a l l a b a n d a n d replaced

h i m w i t h an up a n d c o m i n g

\Spare a Minute?

W e know you're busy, but how about telling

potential IC students just how full your life is.

Write about any aspect of your College day for

the Alternative Prospectus. Send completed

articles to the F E L I X Office by February 1

youngster , J o h n M a c G l y n n . The

first two games were over i n

about ten minutes , U C m a n a g i n g

to get seven points in f our sets.

A f t e r that , they fo lded w i thout

as m u c h as a f ight, o h , come to

t h i n k o f i t , there was a lmost a

fight. In the last game when we

were 8-0 up , we were d o i n g o u r

best to give them a game, when

they decided to start cheat ing.

O u r n o b l e a n d v e r y h o n e s t

c a p t k i n (?) ( m e ) w a s n ' t t o o

pleased about this a n d started

ca l l ing one o f their players , o n

the blatant f ou l serves he 'd been

d o i n g a l l a f t e r n o o n , w h i c h

i n t u r n d i d n ' t p l e a s e h i m . . .

( cont inued in 'The S tory o f the

T h i r d W o r l d W a r ' ) .

T e a m : John Scott, Andy

Macleer, Nick Campbell, Martin

Ross, TedHelsby, John MacGlynn

N B D o n ' t forget the night out

o n M o n d a y a n d the E G M on

Tuesday (see not iceboard) .

Rugby

Firsts Gutteridge Plate

A f t e r d i sappo int ing ly l os ing 7-4

to Q M C in the first r o u n d o f the

C u p c o m p e t i t i o n I C s l i g h t l y

redeemed themselves by beat ing

G u y s i n the plate c o m p e t i t i o n

1st r o u n d . T h e I C pack was

super ior to G u y s a n d gained

most o f the possession, u n f o r

tunately a lot o f it was scrappy ,

h o w e v e r the b a c k s u s e d the

possession inte l l igent ly (apart

f r o m some p a n i c k y moments ) .

G u y s were first to score w i t h a

d r o p p e d goa l , I C q u i c k l y rep l ied

w i t h a try f r o m a five y a r d s c r u m

f o l l o w i n g pressure f r o m the I C

forwards . G u y s were a l l o w e d a n

e a s y t r y t h e n f r o m l a c k o f

c o n c e n t r a t i o n a n d w i t h l i t t l e

t ime left I C c l inched the game

w i t h a t r y b y S t e v e P h l i p s

f o l l o w i n g a s t rong r u n by Steve

T h o m p s o n .

T e a m : Miles, Roger, Steve,

Dick, Peter, Stuart, Warwick.

John, Dave, Andy, Phil, Pete,

Charles and John.

I C vs Middlesex Hosp 4-7

A s c r a p p y g a m e w h i c h I C

s h o u l d have w o n easily. There

were g o o d debuts f r o m T i m a n d

D o u g w h o put in a lot o f w o r k .

The backs fa i led to move the b a l l

successfully a n d the game was

eventual ly lost due to excessive

greed on the part o f the no 8 w h o

m a y c o n s i d e r h i m s e l f r e p r i

m a n d e d . 6 7 8 9 7 7 7 8 7 ^ r : ; 9 < = 8 ; 9 7 9 7 7 9 7 7 9 7 7 7 9 9 \ r < l

Promotion

WADWORTH'S 6X

50p per pint

Union Bar

Tuesday 30 November

Southside Bar

Wednesday 1 December

FELIX I

•Raffle for trip to brewery

•Sweatshirts •Ties

•Posters

l l H H B k ^ L ^ i n H H B H I Page 17

1230h JC>Christmas Card Sale organised by Amnesty International.

1230h ?@ABC@o Common D@@m Natural History Society meeting.

1230h JCE

IC North America Club meeting

1255h FGH@n Concert Hall Islamic Society Friday prayers

1800h 53 IJHGKLs Gardens Christian Union meeting

1930h Building

ULU Gig with the Higsons, Five Group and Corporation. MNOPQadmission

2030h Mech Eng RRSFilm Society meeting TU

p admission (for VWVXYZY[Z\]^, free for members.

Satu rday

0930h

0900h Advent Prayer Vigil

1200h

More House FGH@n Stairs

Run with Cross Country Club in the_`HALaGHb`As DLcdy at DLdeHGg FGHfLJgHAh. £

i entry

fee.

A A A A L jklmBnnnaoz t U U U r i Gallery Levels

Atomic Rock on ICEpqrs

. Neil Collins interviews tuvwxe Lyndon, the compere at the DLdeHGg Festival.

Sunday

0915h Consort Gallery Prayer Meeting

Cycling Club SundayEyz

. DLmLm{Lr to bring your railcard.

1015h ABrch

Visit to Bevia Marks Synagogue with Jewish Society. |@u don't have to be Jewish to attend.

1130h More House Catholic Mass

1800h House

Catholic Mass followed by a . bar supper and tala on the future of the Catholic Church.

M o n d a y

0800h jklmBnnnaoz

IC Radio Breakfast Show

AM Sherfield

Foyer

Civil Defence Exhibition organised by CND. This continues all day for the rest of the}LLa.

Rt Hon Kenneth Baker talks to the Industrial Society on

Wednesday about Information Technology and Cable TV.

123011 JC>CND Bookstall This is now a ~��

y event.

1230h ��g Office

Community Action Group

meeting

1730h Chemistry

LTC

Food, Poison and Hygiene, A Chemsoc lecture by D� K J Gilbert.

Tuesday � _ _ _ . jklmBnnnaoz

0800it Gal^ry Level

Special IC Radio Breakfast

show

Southside F��Lr Lounge

1745h Great

Hall

Wind Band rehearsal. More IcdhLJs (especially oboeists, bassoonists and percussionists� are still required for Christmas concert.

Elec Eng �k8

Time Travel a tala to _Lccg@c by Dr Harry Fairbrother.

-An appropriate talk for a

society that is named after H G

Wells whose books included

The Time Machine.

1930h JCE

Advanced Dancing Class

1930h Lower DL�LKA@Jy PDT Medal Dancing Class

right: Bill Sirs talks to the

Industrial Society on Tuesday

left: Dustin Hoffman stars in

Ents Thursday film, The

Graduate.

FGH@n SCD1230h

Cycling Club meeting

1230h Frank Allaun MP will be

g�Ldaing on Labour's defence policy. -With the Labour party confer

ence passing a motion sup

porting unilateralism and the

arrival of Cruise missiles in

Britain next autumn this talk

will certainly cover some

controversial topics.

Pagel8l I November 26, 19821 IFELIX

1230h Southside Upper

Lounge

Board Sailing Club meeting

1245h Chemistry 231

Catholic mass

1300h C h e m Lf?

My Job as a Union Leader

a talk to the Industrial

Society by Bill Sirs, general

secretary of the Iron and

Steel Trades Confederation.

-This will be an opportunity

to hear what the day-to-day

running of a Union involves.

You will find it's not all about

strikes.

1300h Union Upper Lounge

Audio Society Record Club:

meeting.

1300h B°c 5S§ David Howell, MP speaks on

transport policy.

-This is your chance to take

up Red Ken's points on

London Transport with some

one from the other side.

Dennis Howell MP speaks on

Tuesday in Elec Eng 408

1300h P h y S L T l

Electromagnetic Surface

Models of Plasmas A Talk to

M O P S O C by Dr A Boardman of

Salford University.

1300h TV

Lounges

STOIC present a programme

about the Masons, IC Radio

and Mr Mooney.

-Are we about to have a new

Scandal break?

fmxwmmmmmmmsm

J A A A U R e a d Theatre

l O O U l i Sherfield Building

In or Out? Britain and the EEC

The first in this series 'The Case

for British Participation' will be

given by Geoffrey Denton, a

reader in Economics at Reading

University.

J A A A L Pippard Theatre

l O O U n Sherfield Building

Three Revolutions in Science

Part Two 'The Chemical Revol

ution 1750-1790' a talk by

Professor Maurice Crosland of

Kent University.

1730h Brown Committee Room

Amnesty International meeting

1730h Volleyball Court

Women's Volleyball practice,

1800h TV

Lounges

STOIC repeat the lunchtime

broadcast.

1800h Committee Room

EXIT, a talk to the Socialist

Society by this group that

supports euthanasia.

1800h Southside Upper Lounge

Boardsailing Club meeting

1800h u

S C R

Beaujolais Tasting with the

Wine Tasting Society. Admis

sion £1 for members.

Tuesday 1830ft

1830h Union Upper Lounge

Audio Society meeting to

decide the future of the club

system.

1830h J C R

Silver Medal Dancing Class

1930h J C R

Beginners Dancing Class

2200h 301m/999kHz

Gallery Levels

Back to Mono An IC Radio

programme with Mike Hackett

Wednesday

0800h 301m/999kHz Gallery

Levels

IC Radio Breakfast Show

1200h Union

Stairs

Run with Cross Country Club

in the Osterley Park relay.

Bring £1.25 to pay for the race

entrance fee.

1200h Beit

Arch

Texas Instruments A visit to the

Texas Instruments plant by the

Indsutrial Society

Scout and Guide Club talk on

Thursday

1230h Chem Eng E400

Methodist Society communion

service. All Christians welcome

1300h Huxley

LT130

This House believes no war is

ever justified A debate between

IC Debating Society and Kings

College Debating Society.

1300h Graffitti

Workshop

Printing and Airbrush Demon

stration by Graffitti.

1300h

I November 26, 19821

Huxley

341

Evangelism Among Students in

London A talk to the S C F by

Graeme Skinner.

1315h Princes Gardens

Quran Circle

1830h J C R

Bronze Medal Dancing Class

1930h J C R

Beginners Dancing Class

Thursday

A A A A L 301m/999kHz

U O U U l l Gallery Level

Special IC Radio Breakfast

Show

1230h Southside Upper Lounge

ICYHA butties meeting.

1230h Mines

303

Scout and Guide Club talk

and slideshow on their trip to

the Pyrenees earlier this year.

1300h Aero

266

The RAF a presentation by the

R A F Engineering Liaison Team

Thursday 1300h

1300h Green Committee Room

SF Soc badge library and

committee meeting.

1300h TV

Lounges

STOIC present Newsbreak.

1300h Huxley

139

Third World First present a

speaker from the International

Technology Development

Group.

1300h C N D film

Chem Eng

LT3

4 A A A L Great Hall

IO*3Un Sherfield Building

The Ascent of Man Part seven

'The Majestic Clockwork

J A A A L Music Room

l O O U l l 53 Princes Gate

Concert with Ross Winters

(recorder) and Alan Wilson

(harpsichord).

J 7 A M I Pippard Theatre

l / U U n Sherfield Building

'Carbohydrates transfer tor

microrganisms—- a key step to

metabolism and its regulation.

The Sir Ernest Chain Memorial

Lecture which will be given to

the Biochemical Society by

Professor Sir Hans Kornberg

FRS of Cambridge University.

1730h Southside

Lounge

Discussion Group for the

self-education of unilateral

disarmers.

1800h TV

Lounges

STOIC repeat the lunchtime

broadcast.

Mech Eng

220 1830h The Graduate: An Ents film

-Anne Bancroft and Dustin

Hoffman star in this film about

a graduate who is given a crash

course in the facts of life by the

notorious Mrs Robinson. All

goes well until he falls in love

with Mrs Robinson's daughter.

An added attraction of this

film is the Simon and Garfunkel

music. This film was directed

by Mike Nichols.

I Page 19

WALHA80VT~

LOOKSEC

by Mobile Optics Inc, ;

I make no apology for a return visit to the

Vic tor ia and Albert M u s e u m ! It is my favourite

in the South Kensington cluster of museums

(musea?), possibly because it is the least prone

to invasion by hordes of school children; but

certainly, to some extent, because it provides

such a refreshing contrast to science and

technology, whether of the lab/lecture variety

at I C , or of the glass cabinet /push button

variety at the museums of Natural History ,

Science and Geology.

T h e n e w e n t r a n c e t o t h e V & A , o n

E x h i b i t i o n R o a d , is n o w o p e n . It is par t -

entrance hal l , part-gal lery, c onnec t ing the

primary collections of the V & A with the new

Henry Co le Building, due to be opened next

spring. Twelve bronzes b y Rod in are displayed

here. They were given to the V & A by Rodin in

O c t o b e r 1914 , a f t e r b e i n g s h o w n at a n

exhibition of Fr en ch A r t at Grosvenor House

earlier that year. If Rodin links the Romantic

and M o d e r n movements in sculpture, then

these bronzes are a most appropriate link

between the o ld part of the museum and its

new wing.

Images from the Theatre Museum In 1985 the Theatre M u s e u m will open in the

converted Flower Market in Covent G a r d e n .

In the meantime (to break the idea in gently?) it

will stage a series of exhibitions in temporary

galleries at the V & A . The first of these 'Show

Business'- is in Rooms 70-73, on the first floor.

It is a very well staged exhibition. The 'foyer'

is the entrance to the Big T o p , hung with

peppermint-striped canvas. The three other

rooms are devoted to performers, production,

and publicity and place: they are spotlit and

the L O O K S E E is accompanied by a sound

track that cheerfully juxtaposes the Beatles

w i t h a c o l o r a t u r a s o p r a n o . T h i s a u r a l

patchwork reflects the visual patchwork of the

exhibition as a whole: the Theatre M u s e u m is

concerned with all the live performing arts:

"...and stay out!" - an exhibit from Images from

the Theatre.

Review of the Invincible Brigade or Female

Cavalry . . .The first paper programme did not

appear in this country till the 1850s, so an

illustrated playbill had to act both as poster

and as sources of detailed information.

P r o p s on s h o w i n c l u d e G a r r i c k ' s t r i c k

dagger with a retractable blade and Mist -

in gu e t t e ' s p i n k o s t r i c h feather fan . C e c i l

Beatonk 's costume for Julie Andrews, in the

Embassy Ball scene of My Fair Lady, stands

beside A d a m Ant ' s from the Prince Charming

Revue. The principle boy's costume worn in an

1880s pantomime conveys all the Victorians '

p r e o c c u p a t i o n w i t h o p u l e n t c u r v e s a n d

c o n t r a s t s b r a s h l y w i t h M a r c e l M a r c e a u ' s

expression of awed intensity as he watches a

seed grow (in a black and white still, b lown up

to life size).

It's very much an exhibition of bits—but

some of them are gems, and certainly worth an

odd half hour one lunchtime.

Where, When £? T h e V & A is closed on Fridays and on Sunday

morning. 'Show Business: Images from the

Theatre M u s e u m ' is on until A p r i l 17 1983,

admission free.

'The Warrior Chief a bronze by Frodman-Cluzel

t h e a t r e , o p e r a , ba l l e t , c i r c u s , m u s i c h a l l ,

v a r e i t y a n d r o c k — a n d t h a t it h a s a n

enormously diverse collection.

A n 1828 playbill advertisers entertainments

at 'Astley 's Royal Ampitheatre ' . . .The G r a n d ,

Splendid, N e w and U N E Q U A L L E D Scenes in

the C i r c l e — w i l l c o m m e n c e w i t h the f irst

Product ion of an effective and entertaining

PINCCCMIC Orchestral Manoeuvres

Imperial College Symphony Orchestra are

playing a concert next Friday in the Great Hall

at 8:00pm. A m o n g the pieces they are playing

is 'The Planets ' by Hoist , which consists of

seven movements, which for convenience I

shall number (and refer to as) one to seven.

I caught up with A n d y , Br ian , Chr is and

Dominic (one of whom is a string player, one of

w h o m is a woodwind player, one of w h o m is a

brass player and one of whom is a percus

s i o n i s t ( n o b o d y p l a y s m o r e t h a n o n e

instrument)) in the Queen 's Legs the other

day . E a g e r to f ind out m o r e a b o u t this

wonderful suite by Hoist , I asked them for their

preferences. Before you hear what they had to

say, a word of warning—musicians are not all

s tr ic t ly honest , a n d the accuracy of their

statements is. governed by the accuracy of the

instruments they play. Hence:

a) Str ing players don't always hit the right

note, and hence they tell alternately truth, then

a lie, then the truth, etc (although not always

necessarily the truth first).

b) Woodwind players cannot easily alter the

accuracy of the note, and so always tell the

truth.

c) Brass players will start off honest, but as

the results of excessive alcoholic indulgence

set in , they start lying; thus every statement

they make which contains the words five, six

or seven is false, any other statement being

true (eg "1 is better than 3" would be true, "3 is

better than 5" would be false).

d) Percussionists always play too loudly, in

the wrong places, and in the wrong tempo, and

so every statement they make is false.

N o w back to the conversation.

Br ian steeled himself to speak first "1 is

better than 4" he ventured. " A n d six is better

than 3" said Andy . " B u t 2 is better than 6" said

Chr i s . "7 is better than 6, as well" said Br ian .

" A n d 7 is better than 5, old boy" said Dominic .

"Strange, but 4 is better than 7" said A n d y . "I

agree fully" said Dominic . "3 is better than 5,"

said C h r i s , "although two is better than 3."

(this counts as two statements). "7 is better

than 2," said B r i a n , " a n d 2 is better than 5." " B u t

listen, old boy," said Dominic , "6 is better than

4." " O h no," said A n d y , "4 is better than 6," no

doubt thinking of the luscious trombone bits.

"There 's at least 2 movements better than 5

that are worse than one" said Dominic as

Chr is departed with a viola player, thereby

ending the conversation.

At this moment the conductor extricated

h imse l f f r o m the c l u t c h e s of a b a r m a i d ,

wandered over, and told me that in fact their

preferences were all in the same order (the

conductor incidentally, is a woodwind player).

So who then was from each section, and in

what order did they put the pieces?

All similarities to any persons alive, dead, or

this year's chairman are entirely intentional.

Orchestra members note that the order of

preference does not coincide with the author's

nor are the people portrayed necessarily in the

correct sections. All in-jokes copyright.

IMPERIAL

COLLEGE

SYMPHONY

ORCHESTRA CONDUCTOR: RICHARD DICKINS

MOZART: OVERTURE TO THE

MAGIC FLUTE

WEBER: CLARINET CONCERTO NO 1

SOLOIST. DAVID FUEST

HOLSLTHE PLANETS

GREAT HALL 8pm

FRIDAY 3rd DECEMBER TICKETS, Adult £1

Student 75p

FROM i The Haldane Library,

Members & the Door

Solutions, comments and criticisms to me at

the FELIX Office, please. There is a prize of

£5 (donated by Mend-a-Bike) and two free

tickets to the orchestra concert for a correct

entry randomly selected at 1:00pm on M/ednes-

ddy.

Last Week's Solution

Last week's puzzle was unfortunately rather

easy, although I didn't think so when I set it.

The correct answer was that the rumours

occurred when the President was aged 72, 81,

84 and 96. 52 people idecided that it was easy

(only one person sent in an incorrect entry),

and the lucky winner was Brian C l a r k s o n of

C h e m Eng 3, who can collect his £5 cheque

from the F E L I X Office after 1:30pm on M o n

day.

FEUX is published by the Editor for and on behalf of Imperial College Union Publications Board, and is printed by the Union Print Unit, Prince Consort Road, London SW7 2BB.

Tel. 01-589 5111 Ext 1048 or Internal 2881. Editor: Martin S Taylor; Business Manager: Peter A Rodgers; Advertising Manager: Nick Thexton. Copyright FELIX 1982.

Document

Documents

i n o f

o r n i n g

n o w n f o c o

e e t i n g o f

n d h i

u n i o n officers s

n i s t r

o v e d t o