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Founded in 1949 The Newspaper of Imperial College Union

SOUTHSIDE MOVE 1ATEST

i l l i i i i ii ii ii . p i i i i 11 - Ii II II •

m

* » I C

II II II

I I I I I I

I t s v e r y n i c e ,

b u t d o w e r e a l l y n e e d

t h i s m u c h s p a c e ?

"No. 618 Friday June 18,1982 Free!

"tty it a JMj

Letters

to the

Editor !

1,1 <C *v

Dear Mark

W i l l you please convey my

thanks to M a r y Freeman for

her l e t t e r i n F E L I X . I ' m

afraid it wasn't part i cu lar ly

informative for me personally,

but that is because I too was

at the meeting, so I knew it a l l

already.

I d idn ' t really feel Miss

Freeman's account was com­

prehensive enough, it failed to

point out the juicy bits, such

as: why is the N a t i o n a l Deaf

C h i l d r e n ' s S o c i e t y R a g ' s

m a i n c h a r i t y ? Because the

R a g C o m m i t t e e en joy the

kiddies party and they know

they can get col lection licences

if it's for the N D C S (that's

how I understood the argu­

ment). F r a n k l y , I find those

r e a s o n s s e c o n d a r y i n t h e

argument; more important , I

think, is where the money

goes, and yes I d id suggest the

money go to a charity in the

T h i r d W o r l d , where the same

money can have a far greater

effect. T h e meting thought

that the N D C S was wor th ­

w h i l e , because for a mere

£200 someone can have his

h e a r i n g r e s t o r e d ; b u t for

about £10 someone in Ind ia

can have his sight restored!

O t h e r i m p o r t a n t issues

d i s cussed were : s h o u l d the

R a g M a g have a glossy cover?

(This is because it drastically

increases the cost of printing.)

T h e two reasons given for not

changing it were that they

w o u l d k e e p b e t t e r , so we

could show our grandchi l ­

d r e n ! ( c h u c k l e , c h u c k l e ) .

Secondly, people are more

likely to buy a copy if it looks

good; but because the R a g

M a g has made a loss (for two

y e a r s r u n n i n g ? ) t h e p r i c e

may have to be raised to 50p.

I f the content is not going to

be improved. T h e n it doesn't

deserve a glossy cover, and if

50p, it won't sell as easily,

no longer feel it necessary

to put forward constructive

.ideas, such as suggestions for

c h a r i t i e s , because R a g re ­

ce ives e n o u g h le t ters f r o m

charities, p leading for money:

a l l they have to do is read

through them!

I hope that this information

w i l l have been of some use to

M a r y Freeman and others.

Tours sincerely

Graeme Shaw

Dear Mark

I see from N i c k M o r t o n ' s

letter ( F E L I X 617) that he is

act ing true to form. As soon as

he had doled out a couple of

insults he prompt ly passed the

buck; truly the height of i n ­

spired leadership.

O f course the H a l l s are not

k e e n to be i n v o l v e d i n a

c e n t r a l l a u n d r y . T h e y arc-

p e r f e c t l y h a p p y w i t h the

present system; indeed, many

r e s i d e n t s f i n d it h a r d to

understand how anyone could

come up wi th such a short­

sighted idea as scrapping the

l inen service.

It is not so much myself

who is concerned about those

o t h e r , l a z y s t u d e n t s ; the

cleaners i n Southside have

expressed their concern about

the deterioration in hygiene

w h i c h wou ld result from the

removal of the l inen service. I

a m rel iably informed that as

m a n y as t e n p e r c e n t o f

r e s i d e n t s c a n n o t e v e n be

bothered to strip their beds

and leave the dirty sheets to

be collected for the sake of

hav ing clean l inen, how the

s u p p o s e d l y k n o w l e d g e a b l e

M r M o r t o n can expect them

to a c t u a l l y w a s h a n d i r o n

their own sheets every week is

a matter of pure conjecture.

I f N i c k c a n ' t l i c k t h e

Rector 's boots enough to get a

job as a member of College

staff, he ought to apply to the

Treasury , where his apparent

t o t a l l a c k o f a c c o u n t i n g

k n o w l e d g e w o u l d be w e l l

received. If the Ha l l s upgrade

their present laundry facilities,

considerable capital expense

w i l l be incurred; M r M o r t o n

obviously cannot understand

that this w i l l come out of

resident's pockets. A further

charge w h i c h he has conveni­

ently " forgotten" (if he ever

thought of it in the first place)

is the cost of residents supply­

ing their own sheets, either by

h i r i n g t h e m at s u i t a b l y

commerica l rates, or capita l

outlay of purchasing them.

H e w i l l no doubt c l a i m that

students l i v ing elsewhere have

to provide there own sheets,

but so what? Some students

live in bedsits infested wi th

c o c k r o a c h e s , b u t is, N i c k

s u g g e s t i n g that v e r m i n be

introduced to Southside just

so that everyone is equal?

A p a r t from the extra costs

mentioned above, there is the

very important consideration

of time and inconvenience.

W e are supposedly here to get

an education, not to wash

sheets. N o one in their right

m i n d (this c l e a r l y doesn ' t

i n c l u d e M r M o r t o n ) c a n

honestly believe that washing

and i roning a pair of sheets a

week takes no time at a l l .

There are more important

things in a student's life than

money, M r M o r t o n , and the

extra effort and inconveni ­

ence are not- worth the cost of

a pint of shandy each week.

In answer to his final point:

representatives ol the residents

of Southside were wa i t ing to

c h a l l e n g e the P r e s i d e n t ' s

report at the U G M and A G M

when those whimps from Soc

Soc, who seem to care little

f o r the U n i o n t h a t f u n d s

them, brought the meeting to

a close.

Jasper

P S : I hope that you were

c o n c e r n e d a b o u t s t u d e n t

opinion d u r i n g y o u r " h o l i d a y "

in Ire land.

Dear Mark

Everyone's always wr i t ing

to you about M o r t o n ' s cock-

ups . W e l l , a f ter m u c h i n -

d e p t h research I c a n n o w

reveal to your readership that

this is just the area where he

has f a i l e d , t h i s y e a r . M y

suspicions were first aroused

at the time of the attack of

german measles. M s L indsay

was across from Ireland at the

time, being seemingly wound

a r o u n d M r M o r t o n at a l l

possible times. Yet she failed

to contract the dread disease.

Perhaps the prox imity was

not so great?

Being thus sorrowed in love

M r M o r t o n turns to pastures

new. I must admit it was a

stroke of genius persuading

M r M c C a b e to resign simply

so that she'd always be where

M r M o r t o n could easily reach

her (Ms Te l l er of course), and

al l seemed to be going wel l

unt i l the startl ing truth was

revealed w i th in the pages of

t h i s v e r y n e w s p a p e r . I n

F E L I X 616 the two stated

they were "not opposed to sex

in p r i n c i p l e " , suggesting that

in practice it was just not

going on!

In desperation we see M r

M o r t o n r u n n i n g back to his

o ld love. But even after a

week in Belfast he returns rosy

cheeked and wide awake! Bad

luck N i c k !

Tours, hoping for improvement

next year

N i c k Pyne

Dear Sir

A s t h i s a c a d e m i c y e a r

draws to a close I would like

to pay tribute to someone who

has done so m u c h to enrich a l l

our lives here and in do ing so

has become one of the best

loved College personalities. I

refer, of course, to the F E L I X

E d i t o r M a r k S m i t h .

H i s j o u r n a l i s t i c t a l e n t is

such that he has been able to

move us to tears of laughter or

o f o u t r a g e w i t h a s i n g l e

apposite sentence. H i s pen has

b e c o m e a m i g h t y s w o r d

s c y t h i n g the s e l f - i m p o r t a n t

down to size and punctur ing

the pompous. H i s quicksilver

wit has made F r i d a y mornings

a time ol laughter and happ i ­

ness wi th stall and students

jo in ing together in shedding

tears of m i r t h . Yet between

the lines we can glimpse the

massive intellect which lies

behind the pr int , the m a n

w h o s e e d i t o r i a l s m a k e

B e r n a r d L e v i n seem a m a ­

teurish and confused. M a r k

S m i t h and first class j o u r n a ­

l ism, the two are synonymous.

O n this occasion I feel it

only right that I should now

reveal my true identity to the

wor ld . It is:

H e r R o y a l Highness

Queen V i c t o r i a

B u c k i n g h a m Palace

L o n d o n

Galact i c Sector 7

Tours

Cossar

FELIX, June 18, 1982

Lindley weighs anchor

Captain John William Garbutt Lindley RN is to voluntarily retire at Christmas.

T h e C a p t a i n boarded H M S

Sher l i e ld on M o n d a y , N o v e m b e r

24, 1975 to take on the newly

created post of Domest ic Secre­

tary, who is in overal l charge of

Bookings, Refectories, H a l l s of

R e s i d e n c e a n d S e c u r i t y . H e

p r e v i o u s l y h a d a l o n g a n d

d i s t i n g u i s h e d c a r e e r w i t h the

R o y a l N a v y — h e rose to the rank

o f C a p t a i n a n d was a N a v a l

A i d e - d e - c a m p to the Q u e e n . H e

was C o m m a n d e r of H M S C o c h ­

r a n e , u s u a l l y k n o w n as t h e

Fleet A c c o m m o d a t i o n Centre of Ro s y t h N a v a l Base.

H i s activities at I C went v i r tua l l y unnot iced by F E L I X unt i l the

s u m m e r o f 1980 w h e n he s u d d e n l y c a m e i n t o the l i m e l i g h t .

T h r o u g h o u t that year he made numerous appearances and it became

clear that the C a p t a i n was not the model of efficiency and d ip lomacy

we h a d expected.

T h e C a p t a i n was w e l b k n o w n for his numeracy , but when asked how

m a n y times he had appeared in F E L I X he said " I don't know, I don't

stand a n d count ' em, and it's not up to me to count them either. . . .but

there were quite a l o t . "

C a p t a i n L i n d l e y is not 65.

ASTMS Dispute L a b o r a t o r y Techn i c ians have been p icket ing entrances to I C since last

T h u r s d a y in support of a nat ional pay and condit ions c l a i m .

Last week some gates were m a n n e d from 9:00am to 5 :00pm in a n

attempt to stop supplies reaching Col lege. T h i s week pickets have been

on duty from 7:00am to 6 :00pm at more entrances.

T h e I C dispute is part oPa nat ional campa ign . T h e technicians want

a 12% wage increase, a reduct ion of 2'/._, hours in the week to 35 hours,

a n d three days more a n n u a l leave.

T h e y have been offered 4% for those over 21 a n d 0% for trainees.

T h e nat ional negotiat ing body recommended selective strike act ion

ol not less than 3 hours per week and this has been given a " g u e r i l l a '

interpretat ion here by the Associat ion of Scientif ic T e c h n i c a l a n d

M a n g e r i a l Sta l l ' ( A S T M S ) who represent the I C lab technicians. T h i s

act ion w i l l cont inue unt i l the dispute is settled.

M r Ian F r e n c h , I C A S T M S B r a n c h C h a i r m a n , said that the picket

h a d been " i n c r e d i b l y successful" w i t h 75% of goods turned back. After

a deputat ion went to the post office workers they agreed not to cross

picket lines or make deliveries of m a i l outside their n o r m a l hours

A S T M S members who are not lab technicians can choose whether

or not to take part in the act ion.

M r Fr en ch added that the a i m of the act ion was to influence College

administrators to support their c l a i m at nat ional level. H o w e v e r the

Col lege have said that they do not believe it is in their interest to make

their views k n o w n p u b l i c l y as it might compromise their side of the

negotiat ing committee.

II the dispute dragged on , he said, then unfortunately it w o u l d be

hard not to effect students, .a long w i t h the refectories a n d general

deliveries. A S T M S realised that their strongest weapon against Col lege

was to disrupte examinat ions , but have refrained from do ing so.

Effects o f the dispute have already been felt. Del iv i r ies of beer to the

H o l l a n d C l u b were stopped on the lirst morn ing . L i q u i d nitrogen

supplies were d r y i n g up. T h i s might adversely alfect chemica l plant

w h i c h wou ld be inc l ined to blow up i f not kept cool . Last T h u r s d a y

technicians picketed a meeting of F r e n c h Un iver s i ty Pr inc ipa l s at 170

Queensgate.

M r F r e n c h told F E L I X that the dispute might last u n t i l at least J u l y

1. T h a t date was chosen by the employers to discuss conc i l ia t ion w i t h

A C A S .

M r D a v i d s o n , Personnel Secretary, was unava i lab le for comment

Piggy brings the house down!

D r B r i a n L e v i t t , the new M a y o r of K e n s i n g t o n a n d Chelsea , has soon

landed in hot water fo l lowing the demol i t i on of the o l d K e n s i n g t o n

T o w n H a l l last F r i d a y .

T h e Grea ter L o n d o n C o u n c i l are furious that his T o r y counc i l

decided to demol ish the 105 year -o ld b u i l d i n g a n d intend to take legal

act ion i f possible. K e n s i n g t o n and Chelsea C o u n c i l say that the

redevelopment of the site w i l l b r i n g in revenue of four to five m i l l i o n

pounds, but accord ing to The Times Diary ( M o n d a y , J u n e 16) the

C o u n c i l seem to have forgotten that they had already given p l a n n i n g

p e r m i s s i o n for a c o n v e r s i o n o f the o l d b u i l d i n g . T h e present

d e v e l o p m e n t w i l l result i n a loss o f 11,000 square feet o f f loor

space—worth about three m i l l i o n pounds at present prices.

So the o ld scheme w o u l d have been more profitable without

k n o c k i n g the b u i l d i n g d o w n !

Jasper collapses

in heroic record

smash bid! I C R a d i o d i s c - j o c k e y J e r e m y

' J a s p e r ' N u n n s c o l l a p s e d o n

S u n d a y , J u n e 6, whi le a t tempt ing

to set a new record for a single

c o n t i n u o u s p r o f e s s i o n a l r a d i o

show.

Jasper started his programme

at 4 :00pm on F r i d a y , J u n e 4, at

t h e I C R a d i o S t u d i o b e l o w

S o u t h s i d e a n d l a s t e d a l m o s t

f o r t y - t h r e e h o u r s ; the r e c o r d

sti l l stands at forty-eight and a

ha l f hours. For tunate ly for Jasper

former Stat ion M a n a g e r Dave

F u l l e r was present to rush h i m to

St. Stephens H o s p i t a l but he was

released later that evening.

T h e collapse is thought to have

been caused by Jasper d r i n k i n g

too m u c h coffee a n d not eating

enough solid food.

The , present Stat ion M a n a g e r

N e i l Sykes w o u l d l ike to thank a l l

those students from the H a l l s of

Residence who helped d u r i n g the

record attempt.

METROPOLITAN POLICE

Appeal for Assistance

MURDER On Tuesday, June 1, about 1pm,

Lady EDITH ROBERTSON was attacked at

ERESSY HOUSE, RUTLAND GATE. She died later.

Lady Robertson was 80,5ft 3ins and plump with

grey hair. She was wearing a blue two-piece suit,

blue shoes, and carried a large blue handbag.

She walked very slowly with stooped shoulders.

Shortly after the attack a lady was seen

comforting the victim at the rear entrance to

ERESBY HOUSE at MONTPELIER WALK. This lady

was middle-aged, wearing a lightweight

summer dress and carrying shopping bags.

EO

It is essential Police speak to her. She may have vital information.

Please contact

R:

All information treated as strictly confidential

FELIX, June 18, 1982

Dear Sir

I was flabbergasted with

the two letters published last

week concerning the Fa lk -

la,nds. I c o u l d t a k e t h e i r

p a t h e t i c a n d u n c o n s i d e r e d

arguments apart, one by one.

However, I w i l l not waste

your time or mine in do ing so

as, unlike M r Shaw, I do not

underestimate the intelligence

of I C students and know that

t h e y w i l l see the s t r a i g h t

through the left w ing shit that

pours from his mouth without

a moment's thought.

Tours sincerely

P a u l S imion

Dear Mark

O r s h o u l d I say " D e a r

F iona and G r a e m e " as I am

a d d r e s s i n g th i s m a i n l y to

them, re their letters of issue

617. Both obviously disagree

w i t h o u r liberation o f the

F a l k l a n d Islands. I won't go

into the history yet again, but

would like to make a few

points.

I must assume that both

letters were w r i t t e n before

Goose Green and D a r w i n had

been liberated but, even so, I

must take exception to Graeme

Shaw's questions.

" C o u l d n ' t the Falklanders

have suffered the presence of

the Argent in ian troops for a

c o u p l e o f m o n t h s w h i l e

negotiations were in progress?

Surely it would be less incon­

venient for them than a war?"

I suggest he puts those same

two questions to the inhabi ­

tants of the above settlements,

who had been locked up for

over a month, one of them in

shackles, while their homes

were r a n s a c k e d a n d t h e i r

v i l l a g e f i l l e d w i t h l e a k y

napalm bombs and unstable

ammo dumps. T h e i r reception

' of the Paras clearly shows

which option they preferred.

Not forgetting the people who

are incarcerated in the deten­

tion camp at Fox Bay.

Whilst I agree wi th both of

, t h e m , a n d the P o p e , that

armed conflict is no way to

: settle disputes, I must remind

t h e m t h a t it takes two to

negotiate, but only one to start

l ighting (and they started).

W e have been n e g o t i a t i n g

w i t h A r g e n t i n a for m a n y

years, which is hardly "always

refusing" is it Fiona? W e have

also been trying to negotiate

(plus the imposition ol sanc­

tions) since before the Argen­

t i n i a n i n v a s i o n took place

(Resolution " 5 0 2 " was passed

before A p r i l 2) to ask them to

leave. Have they left? N o they

haven't, and have continued

to bui ld up in the mean time:

flouting " 5 0 2 " for the past

two months.

Both cite the case of N o r ­

thern Ireland and the people

who wish to be part of the

Republ i c , they both forget

that the majority of Ulster's

population, as do al l (but one)

of the Falklanders, wish to

remain British. They should

not be ignored either.

Just because the U K may

have been less than perfect in

past doesn't give Argent ina the

right to walk into any territory

they desire ( including parts of

Chi l e and Antartica) . But,

w h i l e o n t h e s u b j e c t o f

empires, many of the C o m ­

m o n w e a l t h of N a t i o n s are

backing our sanctions, whilst

others r e m a i n n e u t r a l . So

whilst our empire may have

not been perfect, many who

were part of it do not wish to

d i s s o c i a t e f r o m us, so we

can't be al l bad.

It is not hypocrisy to feel

sorry for those, a n d t h e i r

r e l a t i v e s w h o h a v e d i e d .

Nobody in their right mi n d

wants a war, but there arc

cases where it may be the

lesser of many evils. If blatant

annexation of territory and

o p p r e s s i o n of p e o p l e , is

a l l o w e d to proceed unres ­

trained, there is no knowing

where it w i l l end up. The

Second W o r l d W a r started by

H i t l e r g e t t i n g a w a y w i t h

Austr ia , Czechoslavakia and

Poland.

F ina l ly , it is worth noting

that the Falklands prior to

A p r i l 2 were comparatively

undefended. Argent ina mar­

ched in with 10,000 troops as

opposed to 30 marines and

1,800 inhabitants. This must

surely explode the myth that

just because a place is un­

defended then nobody wi l l

attack it. This , as has W W 2 ,

a n d m a n y o t h e r c o n f l i c t s

t h r o u g h o u t h i s t o r y , shows

that the opposite is true: If

y o u ' r e u n d e f e n d e d , a n d

someone wants to i n v a d e ,

they wi l l do so. History has

also shown that you can talk

t i l l you're blue in the face, but

the invader w i l l not leave.

This does not mean, however,

that you mustn't try, there is

always hope. But in the end if

they wi l l not leave after being

"spoken to nicely" they must

be "shown the d o o r " , and in

no uncertain terms if neces­

sary.

Ph i l M e r r y m a n

Dear Sir

H a s M a r g a r e t T h a t c h e r

not yet r e a l i s e d that she

would have saved a lot ol time

by " n u k i n g " the " F a l v i n a s "

oil the bloody map in the first

place?

This would have resolved

the tricky problem ol handing

the Falklands over to Argen­

tina without popular uproar

a problem that has baffled

successive British governments

over the years. It would also,

I understand, have saved the

lives of m a n y m o r e " f i r s t

class" British citizens than

what has now ensued.

Of course she would still

have to think of a way ot

hiding her disastrous home

and economic policy but I 'm

sure J o h n Nott or L a d y D i

can come up with another

bril l iant plan.

T o finish, had she done this

I 'm sure we a l l realise the

w o r l d w o u l d have been a

much Salter place with people

l i v i n g in mutant harmony.

A n y w a y the French dis­

covered the stupid things so

"rendaere Caesare quae sunt

Caesaris" , (mispelt), what?

Tours

B Durodie

Physics 2

PS: M a y b e Pau l H o l t ' c o u l d

sit on a cru ise a n d shout

" R u l e B r i t t a n i a " as it lands.

Small Ads Pentax KM SLR camera with f 1.4

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• G o o d luck for the f u tu re , S t e v e . Annegret , Graham, Chr is and every­one who's leaving from, W L C — t h a n k s f o r e v e r y t h i n g y o u ' v e d o n e — 8 2 / 3 commit tee.

•Futile Hurling & Hothouse Spec ies , Sunday , Ju ly 4, 101 C lub , C l a p h a m , 8pm, Hal f -pr ice t ickets avai lable from IC Un ion Off ice.

•Voluntary work in visit ing a home for the elderly d isabled if you are staying in London in summer. Contac t Mike See, C h e m Eng P G , int 2027. •A l l students hop ing to have parking spaces dur ing the summer vacat ion shou ld go to Sherf ie ld Secur i ty and obtain a temporary park ing space a l locat ion.

•Medic-Alert bracelet for diabetes, serial no. GB97290, has been found and is now in the Lost Property Off ice, Sher f ie ld .

•Watch pens: date, t ime, seconds , parker refil l. Ideal presents. On ly £ 5 . App l y Dave Thrower, Mech Eng letter-racks or 215 Hamlet G d n s , 741-7095. •Squash rackets: C l ass i c 003, £ 1 2 e a . Contac t D V Moleswor th , 370-1817 via R S M l e t t e r - r a c k s o r s p o r t s c e n t r e squash c lub not iceboard. •Technics SU8022K amplifier, 35w, t a p e - t o - t a p e , e tc . , £ 7 5 o r nea res t . S a n s u i T 6 0 t u n e r F M / A M £ 4 0 o r nearest. Both in very good condi t ion and boxed. Dave Poley, M E 3 , •Wharfdale Linton XP2 loudspeakers, g o o d c o n d i t i o n , c a n d e m o n s t r a t e , £ 4 5 o n o . K. Langr idge, Phys i cs U G letter-racks.

•Help wanted: £ 1 . 7 0 per hour negot i ­a b l e , d e c o r a t i n g , mos t l y p a i n t i n g : e v e n i n g s a n d w e e k e n d s . C o n t a c t internal 2884, or Sher f ie ld 546b, Ms M. Evers.

•Your last chance: The Rag Mag sets sail next week. C o p y , etc. to FEL IX Off ice.

•23rd June, S . J . H . h a p p y b i r tday , E.S.K.

•Weeks Hall are proud to announce that the Sub-Warden is funct ion ing at t ime of wri t ing: but normal serv ice is expected to be resumed before go ing to press.

• Experienced washer-up r e q u i r e s s u m m e r j o b . A p p l y T i m W i l k i n s , Phys i cs 1.

•Landing occupant for sale (house trained), £ 1 0 o n o complete with red t r o u s e r s a n d i n t e r p r e t e r . A p p l y L instead Hal l .

•Grey morning suit for hire, sui table large gent leman, smal l family or entire N o r t h K o r e a n W o r l d C u p s q u a d . (Includes h ideous gloves). Contac t Roger on 358-9960. •Wanted: large quanti ty of penic i l l in . Write to M, M e c h Eng U G . •Avai lable now: l i fe i n s u r a n c e fo r yetis. Compet i t i ve rates. C. Fuller, R C S U .

• D o g found (presumably a pet): large, ugly, lazy and unpleasant. Answers to name of "N i smo" . Wou ld owner please col lect . Phone 385-9609.

FELIX, June 18, 1982

FELIX gets through a great deal of news in a year but rarely follows any of it up as

"what happened then" is seldom newsworthy. "Bull terrier goes missing!" will always

be more interesting than "Bull terrier found!" (Mind you, it depends where you find the

bull terrier and who it belongs to!)

However, on this occasion, just to abate your insatiable curiosity, FELIX will break

with tradition to follow up some of this year's stories that actually have a follow-up.

Taken chronologically

F r o m F E L I X August 7

C l e m , a yellow and black commercia l lorry, the

Mines motorised mascot , is still in bits in the

garage, despite optimistic reports that it would

be back on the road by Chr is tmas .

F r o m F E L I X August 7

The Westfield College penguin mascot stolen

by Barney M c C a b e has not yet been returned to

its rightful owners. Shortly after its theft, it

"went miss ing" f r om ' the IC U n i o n Office.

W e s t f i e l d C o l l e g e have not r e q u e s t e d its

return. Mystery surrounds the whereabouts of

the mascot.

F r o m F E L I X October 5

T h e p a r t i t i o n e r e c t e d o v e r the s u m m e r

vacation by the then Deputy President, Barney

M c C a b e , which caused raised eyebrows due

to its £2,000 price-tag, is to be demolished over

the coming summer vacation. Proof that what

goes up must come down.

F r o m F E L I X October 5

The wooden platform and scaffolding erected

outside W e e k s Hal l to protect passers-by from

falling masonry is still evident. N o action has

b e e n t a k e n or is p l a n n e d by the C o l l e g e

Estates section responsible for the upkeep of

Halls of Residence. Tiles and concrete are still

falling from the higher parts of W e e k s H a l l ,

which was evacuated for a long period several

years ago as the high-alumina cement of which

it is constructed was passing through its most

dangerous phase. However , despite the falling

tiles, W e e k s Hal l is thought to be safe.

F r o m F E L I X October 9

The antique lamps stolen from the C i t y &

Gui lds motorised mascot B o have never been

found. Insurance has been claimed but the

lamps are unfortunately irreplaceable.

F r o m F E L I X October 23

The Rag Committee ' s proposal to change the

constitution to require proofs of the Rag M a g

to be approved by members of the U n i o n

Executive has been passed. This is in order to

a v o i d m o t i o n s t o b a n t h e R a g M a g ' s

distribution proposed by some sections of the

student community who strongly disapprove

of the magazine's contents, as happened this

year resulting in only one third of the 10,000

R a g M a g s b e i n g s o l d . R a g C o m m i t t e e ' s

incompetance in selling it when the ban was

lifted is also a major contributing factor to the

poor sales. T h e Rag Commit tee are taking the

defeatest attitude of considering printing only

5,000 Rag Mags next year as opposed to

a t t e m p t i n g to i m p r o v e t h e i r o w n s a l e s

efficiency.

F r o m F E L I X Nov 13 & Feb 12

That "awfully embarrassing refectory flat" has

not been converted to U n i o n showers or

accommodat ion , as proposed by J o h n S m i t h

C B E , the College Secretary. M r S m i t h has

swept the matter under the carpet and the flat

is still as empty as it has been for the past six

years.

F r o m F E L I X Nov 20, Dec 4 & J a n 22

The proposed merger between IC and Q u e e n

Elizabeth Col lege is now most definitely off. It

was learnt last week that in fact Kings College

is to merge with Q E C .

F r o m F E L I X November 27

The decision to ban all Rag collections for fear

of prosecution as I C U do not have any street

c o l l e c t i o n l i c e n c e s s t i l l h o l d s . T h e R a g

Commit tee have still not managed to obtain

any licences and it seems unlikely any will be

available for next year.

I ' R O V E R S Y I N E D U l

Br lx l t i out o t n Wi I

co r roc t i i studenT

C o l l e g e

t o t a k e

b l a c k s

w i t h o u t

A - l e v e l s

Col lege Is tierce w i t h about e ight s tudents c h a s i n g every place. They

From the Daily Mail, Monday November 30 1981.

F r o m F E L I X December 4

Imperial Col lege is not going " to take blacks

without A Leve ls " any more. T h e Daily Mail

devoted considerable space to the decision of

the College to show positive discrimination

towards underprivileged ethnic minorities as

called for in the S c a r m a n Report . The College

has recently quietly shelved the scheme. Peter

M e e , the College Registrar, has pointed out

the obvious difficulties that would be faced by

such students who lacked a good grounding in

science. T h e scheme might have w o r k e d for

A r t s students, he added, but science and

engineering is too demanding.

This begs the question as to why the College

ever decided to take students without A Levels

i n the f irst p l a c e . T o k e n s u p p o r t for the

S c a r m a n Report for cheap publicity, later to be

a b a n d o n e d w h e n S c a r m a n was f o r g o t t e n ,

perhaps?

F r o m F E L I X , January 15

" F o r G o d ' s sake grow u p , " D r Pau l Jowitt was

urged by F E L I X for his pettiness in requesting

his student Southside Penthouse neighbours

to use the stairs instead of the awfully noisy lift.

D r Jowitt has still not grown up.

F r o m F E L I X January 22

The lunchtime lecture program organised by

the Humanit ies Department has been saved

from the axe. Lectures will continue as normal

next session; the H . G . Wells Society will be

presenting three of the lectures after a kind

i n v i t a t i o n f r o m J o h n T h o l e , t h e l e c t u r e

program organiser. T h e three U n i o n lectures

are entitled: (1) Sex ; (2) Drugs ; (3) Rock 'n 'Ro l l .

F r o m F E L I X January 22

The College has taken over contro l of the

University of L o n d o n nuclear reactor, situated

at S i lwood Park . This was a recommendat ion

of the S w i n n e r t o n - D y e r R e p o r t o n t h e

reorganisation of the University of L o n d o n .

F r o m F E L I X February 5

The thief who stole money from gas meters in

several College flats in L e x h a m G a r d e n s has

never been apprehended.

F r o m F E L I X February 12

The "Suppl ies to P o l a n d " organisation formed

in College has become the non-event of the

y e a r . A f t e r i n i t i a l e n t h u s i a s m f r o m m a n y

people including the Rector L o r d Flowers , the

project eventually fizzled out. Perhaps a mite

too ambitious.

F r o m F E L I X February 19

It will c ome as no surprise to learn that S T O I C

C a m e r a m a n G l y n Gars ide of Elec E n g 2 failed

by m a m m o t h proportions to be elected as

Labour candidate for the Knightsbridge ward

in the L o n d o n Borough elections on M a y 6.

F r o m F E L I X A p r i l 30

The scheme to add £10 to every H a l l resident's

bill in order to support the S i ck Bay has

floundered. N o method of raising the £17,000

per annum required to keep the S i ck Bay open

has been agreed upon. T h e S i ck Bay looks to

remain in a healthy state next year but faces an

uncertain future the year after.

F r o m F E L I X May 7

N o word has been heard of the IC U n i o n

mascot, M i k e , a large 1701b micrometer , since

its theft on M a y 6. N o ransom demands from

other colleges have been received. If M i k e is

not found by the end of this term the incident

will be reported to the Police as a theft, even

though the mascot is "violate" , meaning it is

intended to be stolen. But who would want a

large micrometer?

F r o m F E L I X May 21

T h e c o n t r o v e r s i a l s c h e m e to h o u s e t w o

students in what are presently W e e k s H a l l

single rooms has been scrapped.

That ' s all , folks! Perhaps you can see why

most stories are never followed up.

FELIX, June 16,1982

REVIEW O F T H E Y E A R

FAIRLY EVENTFUL YEAR IC UNION CAUGHT NAPPING!

Guess what, folks? Yes, it's that Hall! Photo: Jane Williams.

If the powers that be intended 1981/2 to be a good year at IC they certainly made a very poor start. Union officers and College employees alike made a series of errors in the romantic, patriotic and riot-torn summer that created extra work for themselves, hardship for some, and a source of amusement or indignation for many others.

Hall Hel l

One of the most trouble-ridden aspects of

C o l l e g e l i fe th i s y e a r has been the

postgraduate Hall of Residence in Mont­

pelier Street. Purchased last August the Hall

suffered from poor heating and lack of

cooking facilities and communal areas. The

latter was particularly important in view of

the small size of the rooms.

Although residents received a rent rebate

of £20, they were paying the highest rents

(£23pw) for College residence at the time

and since then a serious case of dry rot has

set in, which will cost at least £16,000 to

repair, in addition to the discomfort the

repair will cause. The residents were also

shabbily treated by the Union President

N i c k M o r t o n who on two s e p a r a t e

occasions was reticent to support their

complaints after they had written to Student

Services.

Personal Attacks

Two publications edited over the summer

put the Union in a lot of trouble when Nick

Morton read the pasteups but "failed to

notice" some of the more controversial

articles. The I C U Handbook had originally

contained vicious personal attacks on

Victor Mooney and Captain Lindley, but

these were r e m o v e d at the p r i n t e r s .

However the Rag Mag was published iri its

original form and dominated Union General

Meetings in the autumn term (and kept

them quorate). Originally City & Guilds

Union refused to sell the magazine because

they objected to some of the jokes. I C U

Council then passed a motion restricting its

sale to IC students, who later voted to

totally ban the magazine. Unfortunately-

w h e n th i s d e c i s i o n was r e v e r s e d in

December, street collecting licences had

not been obtained, the Rag C h a i r m a n

resigned, and with the exception of the Rag

Fete, Rag activity stopped for the year.

The notorious partition in the Lower

Lounge was built during the summer and

was part of a £2,500 redecoration scheme

which included recarpeting the Lounge. The

partition was the idea of former Deputy

President Barney McCabe and met with

widespread opposition for a number of

reasons. These included the cost, the

reduced floor space, the lack of consultation

with the appropriate Union committees and

the increased opportunities for vandalising

the games machines, which were to be kept

behind the partition.

Resignation

Mr McCabe was to meet with further

c r i t i c i s m d u r i n g his t ime as D e p u t y

President because of his "laziness" and

nonchalant attitude towards his work. This

resulted in motions of censure at both

C o u n c i l and a Un ion Genera l Meet ing

before it became obvious that the games

machines were running at a large loss. This

and the low turnover from the Southside

Shop led to his resignation and replacement

by Christine Teller.

Rag Mag Editor Patrick Coll passes a

motion of his own.

Violation

In the first week of the session four

brass lamps, worth £500 were stolen from

Guilds inviolate mascot Bo. In March Guilds

had to re tr ieve their v io late masco ts

Spanner and Bolt, after they had been

stolen by R C S seven weeks previously.

R C S also violated Reggie (Kings College)

and Mary (Queen Mary College) while their

motorised mascot Jez appeared on Blue

Peter and on German television.

Mike, the mascot of I C U , was stolen from

the Union Office in May after being left

there by N i c k M o r t o n and H o n o r a r y

Secretary Marco Ledwold in an alcoholic

daze. Since a ransom note has not been

received the matter may be reported to the

Police.

Celebration

1981 was also the centenary of the Royal

College of Science. The fortnight of events

in November included lectures by Nobel

Laureate Lord Todd (Chemistry Past and

Present), Prof G . J . Whitrow (Personalities

and Achievements in RCS) and Prof B.S.

Hartley (RCS leading into Biotechnology).

The guest at the Centenary Dinner and Ball

was Prof Sir Andrew Huxley, President of

the Royal Society and Nobel Laureate.

There was also an exhibition of College

archives material organised by Mrs Pingree,

the College archivist.

Soon after the centenary celebrations had

ended a working party examining the

possibility of a merger between IC and

Queen Elizabeth College reported that the

colleges should form "an association with

the intent of a merger at a later date".

H o w e v e r the draft proposa ls p r o v e d

unacceptable to IC's Board of Studies so

the merger was called off.

Just before C h r i s t m a s the Imperial

College University Challenge team travelled

to Manchester where they beat New Hall,

Cambridge . They followed this with a

comfortable victory over Aberdeen and just

defeated Reading before falling to St.

Andrews in the quarterfinals. The team's

success was one of the most unexpected

and pleasing aspects of the past year.

Television

In addition to appearing on Blue Peter

and University Challenge, the Union also

made an O p e n D o o r p r o g r a m m e for

B B C 2 . The programme highlighted the

difficulties e n c o u n t e r e d by overseas

students when forced to pay full economic

fees.

Several well-known television person­

alities a p p e a r e d at college this year ,

inc luding Prof . H e i n z Wolffe a n d J i m

Francis (who created the special effects

for T h e H i t c h h i k e r ' s G u i d e T o T h e

G a l a x y ) , both of whom spoke to the

newly reformed H G Wells Society. S T O I C

interviewed a number of film celebrities,

including Timothy Hutton, star of Taps

and Ordinary People, and Jean-Jacques

Annaud, director of Quest For Fire.

Several leading politicians spoke at

College this year. Most were from the

C o n s e r v a t i v e Party inc luding Wil l iam

Whitelaw, Norman Tebbit and Sir Keith

Joseph. Dr David Owen (SDP) and Neil

Kinnock (Labour) also spoke.

A l l of these speakers s tressed that

universities cannot depend entirely on the

government for their finance and suggested

closer collaboration with industry.

College had already realised this in

M a r c h when they set up Imperial Bio­

technology Ltd. The company was set up

to exploit the commercial potential of the

biotechnology pilot plant in the Biochem­

istry department.

Shut that door!

Residence

Although the penthouse flats in Southside-

were finally let out to s tudents in J a n u a r y a

n u m b e r of other C o l l e g e - o w n e d f l a t s ,

notably the refectory f lat i n t h e U n i o n

Building which had been vacant for years,

remained unoccupied. H a l l rents were also

increased by £1.50 in J a n u a r y , an increase

agreed with " in principle" in N o v e m b e r by

Nick Morton, despite the U n i o n ' s pol icy

against mid-session rent increases.

In March a sys tem of e lectronic bolts

were installed in the Souths ide Basement

but were vandalised wi thin an hour. T h i s

caused an understandable outburst by N i c k

Morton at the U G M the following day.

There were also proposals to house two

students in single r ooms in W e e k s H a l l but

these have been shevled for this year.

Decisions

Although six of the nine U n i o n G e n e r a l

Meetings were quorate this year , very little

HG Wells Society's Pallab Ghosh demonst­

rating the immortal Wide-Mouthed Frog joke

at the Society's annual dinner.

The HG Wells Society was reformed at

the start of this session and became one of

the largest societies at college, attracting

more than 500 members.

p o l i c y w a s p a s s e d . M o t i o n s w e r e o n l y "

passed in the first term a n d these inc luded

m o t i o n s o n g o v e r n m e n t c u t s , I r a n i a n

students a n d Pr incess A n n e , as well as the

R a g M a g motions . A mot ion propos ing a

re ferendum o n re-affiliation to the Nat ional

U n i o n of S tudents was defeated.

T h e Results U G M in M a r c h was the most

confusing, a n d at t imes farcical , meeting of

the year. T h e voci ferous meeting refused to

ratify Steve G o u l d e r ' s e lect ion as President

a n d v o t e d t o r e - r u n a l l f o u r s a b b a t i c a l

e l e c t i o n s . H o w e v e r a f t e r t h e m e e t i n g

Return ing Officer M a r c o L e d w o l d decided

that the grounds of the objections were

i n v a l i d u n d e r the c o n s t i t u t i o n a n d he

r e f u s e d t o r e - r u n t h e e l e c t i o n . A n

E m e r g e n c y G e n e r a l M e e t i n g two weeks

later ratified all the elections.

T h e other successful candidates were

Phi l Greenstreet (Deputy Pres ident ) , M a r y

F r e e m a n ( H o n Sec) a n d M a r t i n S. Tay lor

( F E L I X Edi tor ) .

T h e r e w e r e t w o g e n e r a l m e e t i n g s ,

inc luding the annual one, scheduled for the

s u m m e r t e rm but q u o r u m was successfully

chal lenged at the start of each meeting.

T h e m o s t i m p o r t a n t d e v e l o p m e n t

c o n c e r n i n g t h e U n i o n t h i s y e a r w a s

u n d o u b t e d l y t h e a n n o u n c e m e n t o f a

possible move to the Souths ide basement.

T h i s issue is covered at length overleaf.

F E L I X

A s ever , F E L I X prov ided a focal point for

t h e d i s c u s s i o n of r e l e v a n t i s s u e s . O l d

campaigners l ike D r F r a n k J a m e s have

found new enemies to fight it out with on the

letters page. T h e S o a p b o x articles have also

been fairly lively a n d have prov ided a means

f o r e x p r e s s i n g a n o p i n i o n o n t o p i c s as

var ied as S o u t h Afr i ca a n d the state of R C S

U n i o n .

F E L I X has m a i n t a i n e d a c r i t i c a l r o l e ,

focussing attention o n bo th the Col lege a n d

the U n i o n . T h e r e have been few things

w h i c h have s l ipped by without c o m m e n t

a n d yet the Col lege still seems to carry o n

m a k i n g s l i p - u p s w h i c h a r e p o t e n t i a l l y

embarrass ing .

T h e re luctance of U n i o n Pres ident N i c k

M o r t o n to be totally o p e n wi th information

' has led to some fr ict ion between himself and

F E L I X E d i t o r M a r k S m i t h . H o w e v e r , M r

M o r t o n h a s o f t e n r e s p o n d e d w e l l t o

c r i t i c i sm with some fine letters on one or

two occas ions .

M a r k S m i t h ' s d e c i s i o n to a l l o w free

c o m m e n t d u r i n g the s a b b a t i c a l e l e c t i on

campa ign was undoubted ly a major change

of d i rec t ion for F E L I X , and it is ironic that it

was a simple e r ror in interpretation of the

v o t i n g p r o c e d u r e w h i c h l e a d t o s u c h

confus ion at the t ime. N o n e of the elect ion

S o a p b o x articles resulted in a challenge to

the c o n d u c t of the elections.

1981-82 started with a series of mistakes which are catalogued at the start of this review. As 1982-3 app­roaches the stakes are even higher. Decisions will not be made about the Union Lower Lounge but the entire Union building. The new and future executives must ensure these mist­akes are not repeated.

8.8. Wolffe*

8ig Slack 800k

Hi everybody, I'm back again with a few juicy items for you all. There's been a bit of a vacuum on the scandals and exposes front this term, as I've been busy looking for Lord Lucan again in the tunnels under IC. But never fear, B.B. is back!

I'm told that revolting J C R bartender A l a n

L a r s o n is a native of N o r t h A m e r i c a . Last

term this glutinous mountain of a man was

taking part in one of his customary alcoholic

binges and was soon completely unable to stay

upright. A few friends, who had been playing

"spot the amorphous mass" , offered h im a

h a n d a n d r e t u r n e d h i m to the S h e r f i e l d

Bui lding. The jolly barman claimed that he 'd

left all his money in his jacket, which was still in

the J C R Bar .

W h e n he'd eventually w o k en the security

guard he was refused entrance because he was

far too drunk. In desperation he rolled over to

the U n i o n Bar and borrowed £5 from Bar

Manager J i m m y C a r r o l for a taxi .

Later i n , the week when equally rotund

Cater ing Manager V i c t o r M o o n e y heard about

J i m m y ' s g e n e r o s i t y , he c o m m e n t e d " Y o u

should have given h im £127—so he could buy

a single ticket back to N e w Y o r k ! "

WImwi* tjtgtjjg Home Talking about our bumbling catering manager,

V i c t o r is k n o w n as a bit of a slave driver. In fact

•1 can reveal that he even keeps a camel driver 's

whip in his desk, the handle of which screws

out to reveal a dagger.

Jovial V i c to r got married again at Chr is tmas

a n d he's now living happily somewhere in

L o n d o n . M y spies tell me that if you're up at

the right time you can even see him lumbering

into College on his newly acquired bicycle.

What a sight that must be!

But hang on ! Doesn ' t V i c t o r have a luxury

flat in Princes Gardens , supplied free of charge

by the College? The same flat which was

decorated at great expense a few years ago?

Indeed he does. A few years back , witnesses

i n t h e R C S U O f f i c e e v e n s a w V i c t o r

c lambering through the front window in the

early hours , when his previous spouse locked

h im out after alcoholic outings of his o w n .

So if Vic tor ' s new home is within easy

cycl ing distance, does he really still need a

College flat?

W h e n I next hear the traffic report o n the

radio say there's an obstruct ion in Exhibit ion

Road , I'll rush over and bend his ear!

I must admit the announcement of Capta in

L i n d l e y ' s r e t i r e m e n t b r o u g h t a t e a r (of

laughter) to my eye, and there has to be one

more story for old times sake.

Petty Officer Lindley seems to have-been

having a bit of trouble with the sign on his

office door . A b o u t a year ago his original,

b e a r i n g n a m e r a n k a n d r o o m n u m b e r ,

disappeared. T o replace it a typed piece of

c a r d was e r e c t e d (us ing s t a n d a r d c o l o u r

drawing pins of course) , but this too went

absent w i t h o u t l e a v e . O f c o u r s e I k n o w

n o t h i n g a b o u t the w h e r e a b o u t s of these

wandering items, but it did make me laugh to

hear that a sign saying " P r i v a t e " has now

appeared o n his door.

I bet the old salt didn't expect to be demoted

and transferred before being put out to grass!

GmitotM Pig

I C C h o i r h a n g e r - o n a n d r e t i r i n g D e a n of

Gui lds "Pro fessor" Eric B r o w n seems to have

a healthy eye for business.

A c c o r d i n g to sources in the C iv i l Engineer­

ing department, the good professor " recom­

m e n d s " s t u d e n t s o n his c o u r s e to b u y a

wonderful little textbook written "by—guess

• w h o ? — E r i c B r o w n . Not that this is so unusual ,

but my moles also reveal that the book is long

out of print and that he has the only stock from

which his wretched students can get their copy

in his office.

T o rea l ly c l e a n up o u r s n o b b i s h l i t t l e

salesman also pressurises people into not

taking notes during his lectures, which means

they have to buy his book. If they do take

notes he apparently stops lecturing to take the

piss!

Wel l done Er i c , that's setting a fine example

for Brit ish businessmen! If only they were all

like you the country would be back on its feet

in no time.

Incoming Rector 's doormat Steve Gou lder has

had one or two strange adventures. None

more so than his transvest i te wander ings

following the Rag and Drag Disco in 1980.

O u r hirsute sabbatical-to-be had been doing

his bes t to i m p e r s o n a t e the t h e n D e p u t y

President Rae Snee by shoving two enormous

balloons up the front of a slinky red dress. H e

foolishly left his clothes in the R C S U Office

and had to sleep in the F E L I X Office without

recovering them, after he lost his partner Miss

Carol ine G o d i n .

In the morning Carol ine unwisely took all his

clothes to the Falmouth Hal l r oom of F E L I X

Editor Steve Marshal l . W h e n M r Goulder

phoned to ask him to bring them over, M r

Marshal l wickedly said "It's starting to rain and

I don't fancy going out—why don't you come

over here for tea?" and promptly put the

phone down.

R a t h e r t h a n argue o u r P r e s i d e n t - e l e c t

strode over to Fa lmouth and was quite a sight

coming across Princes Gardens resplendent

with beard , red umbrella and a beautifully

matching dress!

Whilst the Editor is selective about photo­

graphs for F E L I X , I have found the following in

the Photosoc bins. If anyone would like to

claim them.

FELIX, June 18, 1982

We shall not

be moved?

The proposed move of the Union to Southside

The announcement of a proposal to

move the Student Union from its

current building in Beit Quad to the

Southside Halls was undoubtedly the

most startling news of the year.

Coming, as it did, late in May, there

has been enough time to form an

initial view of the project.

U n i o n President N i c k M o r t o n first hinted

at a possible major change for the U n i o n in

his annual report . U n d e r a sect ion entitled

" M o r t o n ' s M y s t e r y " he said:

Morton's Mystery I thought I would put this in here to check how many

people really read the whole report. There is a

scheme of major importance to the Union under

discussion in College It may come to light during

my term of office or it may be left to next year's

executive.

F r o m the tone of this paragraph it is

obvious that the s cheme had originated in

Col lege and M r M o r t o n gave the impress ion

that he was not a party to the discussions .

Subsequent to the announcement it was

d iscovered that the U n i o n President was

first approached by Col lege Secretary J o h n

S m i t h in March of this year tor his views on

the idea. M r M o r t o n gave an enthusiastic

response and also promised not to reveal

the idea to anybody until more details were

available, inc luding plans ior the convers ion .

This he did a n d it was not until M a y 21

that w o r d of ihe move first leaked, only four

d a y s b e f o r e the I C U A n n u a l G e n e r a l

Meet ing . This effectively meant that the

student union cou ld not hope to take any

form of decis ion on the matter and would

have to wait until O c t o b e r before respond

ing.

In the m e a n t i m e I C U C o u n c i l h a v e

mandated the Execut ive to investigate the

plans further and the Col lege authorit ies

have a few months to arrange more detailed

proposals .

T h e P l a n s

A i present the move would be initiated in

Ju ly 1983 w h e n convers ion work on the

lower levels of Souths ide would begin. This

work would cont inue over a two year per iod

and gradually the U n i o n would be moved

out of its Beit Q u a d building and over to the

new site.

The current U n i o n Bui ld ing would be

p a r t l y t a k e n o v e r by the L i f e S c i e n c e s

Div is ion to e x p a n d first year laboratory

facilities and the upper floors would almost

c e r t a i n l y be u s e d as a p o s t e x p e r i e n c e

c e n t r e . T h i s f a c i l i t y w o u l d i n c l u d e

conference r ooms and luxury a c c o m m o d a ­

tion for visiting industrial managers on short

courses . It would supposedly run at a profit

a n d is part of a push for c loser cooperat ion

with industry .

C e n t r e p o i n t

Col lege Secretary J o h n S m i t h is the moving

force behind the whole idea. H e has been

c o n s i d e r i n g t h e p o s s i b i l i t y of a p o s t

exper ience centre for some time; possible

sites have inc luded a new building above

the sports centre and the space beneath the

Souths ide Hal ls .

W h e n interviewed by F E L I X M r Smith

e x p l a i n e d that he h a d b e e n c o n c e r n e d

about the large, under-uti l ised space below

Souths ide for a long time. H e said that the

areas were so large that the obvious use for

them was as facilities for the student union.

The vacat ion of the current U n i o n Bui ld ing

was an "added b o n u s " in his view a n d he

was at pains to express th.it the possibility

for increased space for the U n i o n was the

motive for his proposa l . O t h er advantages

were that a "focal point of student act iv i ty"

would be formed in Pr inces G a r d e n s and

that m o i e people from Halls would m a k e

better use of the U n i o n .

Reliable sources in the Sherfield Bui ld ing

give a different view. M o s t of the Col lege

a d m i n i s t r a t i o n w e r e s u r p r i s e d b y t h e '

proposa l , as it was wel l -known that the

Souths ide basement was a probable site for

the p o s t - e x p e r i e n c e c e n t r e . Indeed , the

a r e a s h a d b e e n i n s p e c t e d a n d d e t a i l e d

estimate for convers ion prepared . These

turned out to be far more expensive lhan

expec ted and it is this which may have

prompte d M r Smith ' s unexpec ted genero

sity.

F u n d i n g the M o v e

W h e n asked about the cost of the move M r

S m i t h c o m m e n t e d "I 'm not talking about

ch ickenfeed . Someth ing in the region of a

quarter of a mill ion p o u n d s . "

It was not made clear whe iher this is the

cost of convert ing both buildings for their

intended use or just Souths ide , but in either

case the source of such a s u m is uncerta in .

M r S m i t h cou ld not (or would not) tell

F E L I X who would pay for the move. H e

s i m p l y sa id " t h e C o l l e g e has w a y s a n d

means of raising such a m o u n t s " .

A n al location would have to be made in

the 1983/4 Col lege budget, w h i c h means

that the U n i o n w o u l d h a v e to m a k e a

dec is ion by J a n u a r y of next year. H o w e v e r ,

it is almost certain that under the present

e conomic cl imate the Univers i t ies Grants ,

C o m m i t t e e ( U G C ) would not fund such a

move. It is more likely that the Col lege

would he forced to take out an expensive

l o a n , the i n t e r e s t o n w h i c h w o u l d u n ­

doubtably affect the U n i o n ' s al location for

quite a few years.

A R e a l i s t i c E s t i m a t e ?

A more interesting point is the a c curacy of

the cost estimate. A s s u m i n g that a full

College Secretary John Smith CBE, the

man behind the Union relocation plan.

convers ion of Souths ide is p lanned , with

s o m e t h i n g m o r e s u b s t a n t i a l t h a n p l a s t ­

erboard partitions and some fairly major

s tructural work , the cost will undoubtably

be m u c h h i g h e r . F E L I X c o n s u l t e d a n

architect for his opin ion . H e said that he

could not give a concrete estimate for such

work , but c o m m e n t e d that £250,000 was

" u n l i k e l y " t< cover a convers i on of this type.

H e added that the present plans l ooked like

they 'd been " k n o c k e d up overn ight " and

gave little indication of the exten l of w o r k

necessary. A s well as litis we must consider

that building work invariably costs more and

takes longer than expec ted .

T h u s it seems likely that corners wou ld

have to be cut lo save money.

W h o s e d e c i s i o n ?

The s u m m e r months will be used to look

more closely at the scheme, and we will

have to wait until next term to voice our

opin ion as a body. A l r e a d y it is clear that

a large sect ion of the student body are in

oppos i t ion . M a n y life m e m b e r s who have

been a p p r o a c h e d about the scheme are

f u r i o u s that the U n i o n c o u l d c o n s i d e r

mov ing from familiar surroundings . M o r e

i m p o r t a n t l y , m a n y c u r r e n t s t u d e n t s are

u n c o n v i n c ed that the move will result in

an improvement of facilities indeed , the

m a i o r i t y t h i n k t h e r e v e r s e m a y w e l l

happen .

T h e extent to which student opinion will

influence the Col lege is uncerta in . Whi lst

J o h n S m i t h maintains that he would not

cont inue in the face of widespread student

oppos i t i on , there is really very little time

for this to be expressed . A U G M could

not r e a l i s t i c a l l y d i s c u s s the h a z y p l a n s

w h i c h a r e c u r r e n t l y a v a i l a b l e , a n d fu l l

proposals cou ld be held just out of our

reach until it is too late.

O u r m o v e

W h a t is clear is that the student union

should m a k e a firm dec is ion at the earliest

possible opportuni ty , even if the college

does not give further details. N i c k M o r t o n

may agree ' in pr inc iple ' with the idea, but

we must show whether students do too.

FELIX, June 78, 7982

S c a r a m o u c h e

the final problems Preamble

Hello, good evening, and welcome to the last Scaramouche puzzle

page. As I wrote in my statement of intent two weeks ago I've

realised that my duties as editor won't allow me time to write a

regular puzzle column next year, so this is the finale to my two

years as FELIX puzzles editor.

I always try to make the end of term puzzles a little harder than

usual, but since this is my curtain call, the sworded puzzles on this

page are real bastards — the cream of puzzles I've rejected as far-

too difficult to set before. Each carries a £10 prize for the first

solution opened on July 1, but if the puzzle is unanswered by then,

the prize will be awarded to the first correct answer I receive. I

anticipate handing out one or possibly two prizes on July 1, and

the others could well be unclaimed by Christmas! Unmarked

puzzles are just for fun, as usual.

Thanks are due to everyone who has entered a puzzle, ever, but

especially to Jonathan Mestel (Grey Spider), Anna O'Donovan,

Charles Bailyn, John Conway, Steve Marshall and the ever

generous Pete and Will at Mend-a-Bike for sponsoring us and for

mending my tandem so quickly, so often.

Finally, we still have a vacancy for next year's puzzles editor.

Any volunteers ? Good luck with the puzzles, and may the

rate of change of momentum be with you.

Scaramouche

y e a n ' P a r t , c ^ l y a f t e r % ^ f s f°P fi«

° " ^ o c c a S I O * e S U r p r ' s e ° n a s t

* a n * outs ider n ' y o u m a y recall P *

" y o f f e r s of help?

Foul Fare I felt it w o u l d be unfa ir to start next year pre jud i ced aga inst the co l l ege refectory serv i ce wi thout ac tua l ly eat ing there, s o yesterday I took D a v i d Rowe , the P h o e n i x Editor , a n d Peter Rodgers , the h a n d b o o k Editor , to l u n c h in M o o n e y ' s ; t oday Peter is il l w i t h f ood po i son ing . T h e m e n u read as fol lows, a n d w e e a c h h a d o n e d i s h f rom e a c h sec t i on :

M i n c e d Bee f R o l l : 60p

S a u s a g e T o a d : 75p

K i d n e y T u r b e g o : 90p

B a k e d B e a n s : 15p

C a u l i f l o w e r : 30p

G r e e n B e a n s : 45p

P i l a u R i c e : 30p

M a s h e d Potato : 45p

B o i l e d Potato : 60p

Peter is t oo i l l t o te l l us what he ate, but

Dav id remembers that at the c h e c k o u t he

p a i d £1-35, Peter p a i d £1-20, a n d I p a i d

£1-50. T h i s in format ion , together w i t h the

knowledge o f what we two ate ( inc lud ing , I

m a y s a y , t h e l e a s t a p p e t i s i n g b o i l e d

potatoes I have ever seen) e n a b l e d us to

u n m a s k wi th comple te certa inty the d i s h

w h i c h la id Peter out. W h i c h o n e ?

Sense of Direction

A rather eas ier chess puzzle

than t h e o n e o p p o s i t e : t h e

pos i t ion s h o w n in the d i a g r a m

is one w h i c h c o u l d o c c u r in an

a c t u a l g a m e . W h i c h w a y i s

Whi te p l a y i n g ?

Baby

Grand

piano

Music

Stands

Music

Stands

^Holding the Baby I'm sure many of you remember with great affection the

difficulties of removing Barney McCabe's piano from the

back of the music store last term. Well, it happened again.

Whether out of simple carelessness, or whether because it

was assumed no one would ever want to play such a

dreadful instrument, I can't say. Nevertheless, the Baby

Grand is once again wedged right in at the back of the

music store with all kinds of assorted impedimenta

blocking the way to the door.

I'm sure you remember the rules: there's no room to

rotate any of the instruments without risk of damaging

them, and nothing may be removed from the cupboard

except the Baby Grand. Your task is to get the Baby Grand

out of the cupboard. (If you do it the most efficient

way - and you won't - it takes exactly a hundred moves.

Any solution, though, is admissible for a prize).

Which

a '-ontrnr-t u... ,J U J n

fe rent d

cards. 'stributj

o r diff,

dif. °ns of th

driest nd

Possible at

auction? >s the

^Banana's Revenge It's been quite a while since Wodge played

chess against his Banana microcomputer.

It's rather an old model, and although it

always plays legally, there is a certain

bizarre streak in its tactical planning.

Anyway, last week Wodge was rum­

maging through some junk in his study

when he found the machine at the bottom

of a cupboard and in a mixture of pity and

nostalgia he played a few games on it,

beating it easily every time.

Then he tried an interesting experiment:

he set the machine playing itself, with

remarkable results. The opening move

was conventional enough-white ad­

vanced the king's pawn two squares. But

from then on the game was wildly

unpredictable and came to a dramatic

finish when Black, on its fifth move,

captured a White rook with one of its

knights, thus giving checkmate.

Can you reconstruct the whole game?

tLetters & Figures Dear Amble

I've just had a letter from Crumble and D r u d g e . They've been a d d / n g up how many of this c h a p S c a r a m o u c h e ' s puzz / e s

they've s o / f e d over the years, and they tell me that the sum of the numbers each has done comes to the number you have done.

They also menf / on that the product" of

fhe/r fd/7fe/"enij n u m b e r s c o m e s to the

n u m b e r / have so/Ved. Even /otoiv/dg that

b o t h have m a n a g e d af least one but less

than twelve I can't deduce how many you've done. Any c h a n c e of a hint?

• B u m b / e

D e a r Bumble I'm afraid I don ' f know fhe/r numbers

either, and can ' t work them out w/fhouf

rVnow/dg yours .

D e a r Amble

I'm afraid / sf/7/ need to / m o w y o u r number .

Bumble Dear B u m b / e I'm a f r a / d / sf/7/ need to know your number.

Amble Dear Amble

Than/rs, now I know. Funny , / a /ways t h o u g h t f p o s s / b / e till your last letter disproved it) fhaf y o u ' d done beffer than that.

B u m b / e How many p u z z / e s h a v e Amble & Bumble solved?

Sporting Review

of the Year

A s the s p o r t i n g y e a r d r a w s to a c lose,

t i m e for a lew r e m i n i s c e n c e s on how a l l

o u r w o n d e r f u l c l u b s h a v e been f a r i n g

th is y e a r .

S t a r t i n g w i t h A s s o c i a t i o n F o o t b a l l ;

they h a d a v e r y g o o d season, w i n n i n g

the U L C u p a n d the U p p e r R e s e r v e s

C u p , a l s o d o i n g w e l l in the U L L e a g u e s ,

the F i f t h s w i n n i n g D i v i s i o n 2 R a n d the

S i x t h s w i n n i n g 4 R . T h e y w e r e u n b e a t e n

o n t o u r i n H o l l a n d . T h e y h a v e c o n s o l i ­

d a t e d t h e i r successes o f last season w h i c h

w o n t h e m the L i n k s M e m o r i a l T r o p h y

l o r o u t s t a n d i n g a l l - r o u n d p e r f o r m a n c e .

T h i s y e a r I h a v e d e c i d e d to a w a r d t h e m

the L e s l e y H o r r o c k s m e m o r i a l pot for

o u t s t a n d i n g s p o r t s r e p o r t s , i n c l u d i n g

m e m o r a b l e l ines s u c h as " M u m m y +

U n k n o w n D a d d y = R e f e r e e " I hope that

F r a n k B o g e y R o l l a ' s r a s h is bet ter soon.

B a d m i n t o n C l u b h a v e a l s o h a d a

successful season b e i n g r u n n e r s - u p in the

U L K n o c k - o u t C u p a n d w i n n i n g three

out o l f i v e l e a g u e s c o n t e s t e d . ( S t a g e

m a n a g e m e n t a n d t a c t i c a l c o o r d i n a t i o n

by c l u b c a p t a i n I a n B u l l ) .

B o a t C l u b h a v e h a d a s t r i n g o f

successes w i n n i n g most o f the pots at the

A l l o m C u p ( U L regatta ) also n u m e r o u s

w i n s a t R e a d i n g ' . H a m m e r s m i t h .

M e t r o p o l i t a n A m a t e u r . P u t n e y T o w n

a n d S o u t h e r n U n i v e r s i t y C h a m p i o n ­

s h i p s . T h e y were u n f o r t u n a t e to be

o u t c l a s s e d b y F r e n c h a n d G e r m a n

n a t i o n a l t e a m s o n t o u r i n G h e n t ,

B e l g i u m . H a p p y pot h u n t i n g at H e n l e y

i n s u m m e r , fo lks !

C r i c k e t h a v e w o n m o s t o f t h e i r

m a t c h e s so l a r a n d ate g o i n g o n t o u r to

D e v o n this s u m m e r .

Hockey: Folkestone International Tournament leant.

C r o s s C o u n t r y h a v e h a d a f r u i t f u l

season w i t h a lad ies t e a m p a r t i c i p a t i n g

for the 1 list t i m e . T h e i r star r u n n e r l a s s o

A s t e r a i d e s w o n the L o n d o n C o l l e g e s '

race . The H y d e P a r k re lay was successful

as e v e r w i t h m a n y f o r e i g n t e a m s

c o m p e l i n g .

H o c k e y C l u b w o n U L D i v i s i o n 1 a n d

U L m e n s a n d lad ies sixes. W e hope that

C a r o l i n e B r o w n ' s s u c c e s s o r a c h i e v e s

Janet a n d J o h n B o o k 11 s t a n d a r d in

r e p o r t w r i t i n g . A n d y S t r e a m e r a l s o

w r o t e some s t u n n e r s a n d was r u n n e r - u p

l o r the B i g L e s m e m o r i a l pot .

K i t n g F u get the ' D u s t p a n a n d B r u s h '

a w a r d l o r t h e i r b r i c k s m a s h i n g c a p a ­

b i l i t i e s i n the U n i o n G y m .

T h e R i l l e a n d P i s t o l ( H u b s u p p l i e d the

U L t e a m w h i c h w o n t h e i r d i v i s i o n in the

N a t i o n a l short r a n g e c h a m p i o n s h i p .

R u g b y C l u b h a d a m o d e r a t e start to

the season hut have w o n a lmost a l l ol

t h e i r m a t c h e s s ince C h r i s t m a s i n c l u d i n g

a t r i u m p h a n t v i c t o r y against Q M C in

the f i n a l o f the G u t t e r i d g e n i p . T h e i r

season c u l m i n a t e d in a h i g h l y e v e n t f u l

t o u r o f P o r t u g a l w h e r e they w o n three

Rugby: Gulteridge Cup winning team.

out o l four m a t c h e s . T h a n k s l o M i l e s

T h o m p s o n l o r the F r e n c h let ter , it kept

m e b u s y f o r d a v s ( c o r r e c t i n g t h e

g r a m m a r ) .

S a i l i n g C l u b have w o n the C a s t a w a y s

C u p ( raced b e t w e e n 1 1 , col leges a n d

hospi ta ls ) a g a i n , l i t is y e a r t a k i n g first ami

second p lace . S e v e r a l m e m b e r s o f the

c l u b h a v e s a i l e d in I L teams a n d gave a

g o o d p e r f o r m a n c e i n t h e n a t i o n a l

c h a m p i o n s h i p s . J i m R e d m a n gels the

D E L D i s s e r v i c e to the E n g l i s h L a n ­

guage) m e d a l l o r his d r e a d f u l g r a m m a r

a n d a l t h o u g h his w e e k l y reports were

a l w a y s in on t i m e i h c v l ook tw i ce as l o n g

to edit as a n y o n e elses.

The S q u a s h C l u b have e n t e r e d several

L o n d o n leagues in the season w i n c h

e n d e d i n the t h i r d a n d f o u r t h teams

b e i n g p r o m o t e d . The lad ies sec t ion has

been p a r t i c u l a r l y s t r o n g c o m p a r e d w i t h

recent seasons a n d the lad ies c a p t a i n is

now a m e m b e r o f the c l u b e x e c u t i v e .

The c l i i l i has also been m l a m o t i s in the

A t h l e t i c s C l u b s C o m m i t t e e m e e t i n g s d u e

to the e x p l o i t s o f last y e a r s t reasurer

( n o w i l l S o u t h A f r i c a : S w i s s b a n k

a c c o u n t r u m o u r s have not been c o n ­

f i r m e d ) .

T h e V o l l e y b a 1,1 C I u I) w o n t h e

S o u t h e r n E a s t e r n T e c h n i c a l C o l l e g e s

' T o u r n a m e n t by a w i d e m a r g i n a n d are

h o p i n g l o t a k e p a r t i n a w e e k e n d

t o u r n a m e n t i n H o l l a n d soon. They l a k e

the 'most c o m p l i c a t e d t e a m s u r n a m e s

a w a r d for such gems as A d c b a j o a n d

D i a s - L a l e a c a .

H e r o i n e ol the y e a r a w a r d goes to

M a / F e l l o w s for her w o n d e r f u l t y p e ­

s e t t i n g a n d i n f i n i t e p a t i e n c e w i t h the

r e s u l t s s e c t i o n ( t y p e s e t t i n g e r r o r p a r

e x c e l l e n c e was " J o h n P o t t l t n e y scored

one o l his two tries o i l the hack ol a r o c k "

R u c k . M a / . , n i c k !

T h a n k s also to M a r k S m i t h for endless

s u p p o r t a n d l i s t e n i n g to mv m o a n i n g .1

w a s e n j o y i n g m y s e l f r e a l l y ) . M a r y

H a r r i n g t o n for i n v a l u a b l e (.' assistance

a n d good h i c k to C h r i s M a l l a b a n d w h o

has the h o n o u r ol this es teemed p o s i t i o n

next year . K e e p c m u p to s c r a t c h !

X X

FELIX, June 18, 1982

The Taming of the Shrew by William Shakespeare. Presented by the New Shakespeare Company and directed by Richard Digby Day. Open Air Theatre, Regents Park.

The production of The Taming of the Shrew

which opens the season at the O p e n A i r

T h e a t r e in R e g e n t s P a r k is a l m o s t t o o

colourful and too comic to describe in words.

It just simply has to be seen. The action takes

place in Padua and V e r o n a but the- director ,

Richard Digby Day , has set the play in newly

liberated Italy at the end of the last war, with

very minor alterations in the text.

A m o n g t h e h i l a r i o u s a s s o r t m e n t o f

characters therefore, are various Amer i can

a r m y c h a p s a n d a s u p e r b l y c o m i c g u m -

chewing helmeted GI played by Paul Raffield '

(as Biondello) .

The amorous passions of several of these

characters are brought to the boil by two very

beautiful women: Katherine , a haughty Italian

goddess played by Kate O ' M a r a , and her more

approachable sister, B i^nca , played by Janet

Spencer-Turner (the sight of w h o m alone

justifies the cost of the ticket). The ill-tempered

Kather ine is persued by the almost mad dandy,

Petruchio , played by Chr is topher Neame , and

it is the strange alchemy that allows Petruchio

to t r a n s f o r m K a t h e r i n e f r o m a p r i c k l y

unwanted w o m a n to an obedient and noble

wife that essentially provides the quintessence

of the play. The delicious comedy of The

Taming of the Shrew exposes great streaks of

violence a n d roughness, however.

The outstanding characteristic of apparently

all productions at the O p e n A i r Theatre is the

almost perfect choice of players to fit the parts;

in many cases this could not possibly be

b e t t e r e d . T h e t h e a t r e is a v a s t l y u n d e r ­

estimated establishment both from the artistic

Petruchio (Christopher Neame) taming "The

Shrew" (Kate O'Mara) at Regent's Park Open

Air Theatre.

point of view and from the sheer enjoyment

value obtained, and it is indeed a very lucky

thing that the theatre was saved from closure

at the end of last summer. (The A r t s C o u n c i l ,

withdrew its grant but subsequently replaced it

after bowing to public pressure. This contrasts

with the G L C who doubled their contribution

in the last two years and are now the theatre's

major supporter.)

This year is the theatre's G o l d e n Jubilee

S e a s o n a n d a s w i t h p a s t s e a s o n , t w o

Shakespeare plays and works by Bernard Shaw

are on offer. Th is summer sees The Taming of

Shrew and A Midsummer Night's Dream by

Shakespeare, interspersed with a Shaw double

b i l l c o n s i s t i n g of The Dark Lady of the

Sonnets and The Admirable Bashville.

The usual refreshments and gastronomic

delights are available this summer: soups, hot

dogs, salads, cakes, hamburgers, Bratwurst

sausages, strawberries, raspberries and ice­

cream. The wine bar serves the traditional

Regent's Park specialities including mulled

wine (delicious) and Puck ' s F i z z , joined this

year by 'Shrewdriver ' and 'Petruchio Punch ' .

The bar, barbecue and buffet open two hours

" before the performance and the bars remain

open till midnight. This , and the magnificent

setting of the theatre in a leafy green hollow in

the park and an enchanting classical building

at the r e a r of the n a t u r a l s tage w h i c h is

gradually lit up as the evening sun sets behind,

m a k e s v i r tua l ly any tr ip to this theatre a

superb evening out.

The Australian Dance Theatre, Sadlers Wells Theatre, Roseberry Avenue (nearest tube: Angel).

The Austral ian Dance Theatre began their

two week season at Sadlers Wel ls on Tuesday

with a programme of four works .

Beginning with Labyrinth, a disturbing work

based on Greek myth , they continued with

Broken Head, a n e q u a l l y d i s t u r b i n g but

ingenious work, with music by Brian Eno .

Flibbertigibbit, an enchantingly quirky ballet

was followed by the evocative and beautifully

choreographed Transfigured Night.

The season, which is well worth seeing,

continues at Sadiers Wel ls as follows:

June 15,19,26: Labyrinth, Broken Head, Flibber­

tigibbet, Transfigured Night.

June 16, 21, 22, 23: Winter by Spring, Paradigm,

Impromptu, Stars End.

June 17, 18, 24, 25: While We Watched.

F e K x f e Ticket ( f c

a boisterous new comedy about young people growing up I

F E L I X in association with T w e n t i e t h

C e n t u r y F o x invites you to a special

preview screening of Porky's at the Odeon

Marble Arch at 11:00pm on Friday, July 2.

T o obtain your ticket apply in person at the

FELIX Office, Beit Arch. There are a limited

number so come early to avoid disappoint­

ment.

In P o r k y ' s we fol low the a m o r o u s

adventures of six young Americans in the

fifties and their attempts to get even with the

proprieter of the local nightspot (Porky's).

r

TrVe Phoenix

1^82 -83 Contributions for next year's Phoenix are

now required.

The Phoenix is the magazine of Imperial

College Union and material needed includes

short stories, poems, photographs, in fact

anything you care to submit. Help will also be

needed next term with designing, editing and

pasting-up the magazine, ready for publica­

tion early in the spring term.

Articles, etc., comments and offers of help

should be directed to the Phoenix Editor, c/o

FELIX Office.

J

FELIX, June 18, 1982

NEWS QUIZ by Scaramouche

A lighthearted quiz, not for pondering over individually (you'll probably find it too

difficult for that) but more for a social after-dinner argument where guesswork is likely ™ Disguise

to count for just as much as memory. All the questions except 'Surnames' are based on H ° w man

V well-known personalities can you

information reported in the media this academic year, but all the answers are printed identify in the montage below?

together on the inside back cover for when you give up.

Quotes

Interspersed with the rest of the questions

are photographs of ten well-known people,

together with ten quotes made by them in

F E L I X over the year. Each quote has been

matched to a wrong face. Name the faces, and

reallocate the correct quotes.

The Year's Personalities

1. W h o , drunk and concussed, questioned

the Health Centre 's competence in stitching

him back together?

2. W h i c h e x - p o l i c e j n a n t o l d h o w he

destroyed evidence of a secret rendezvous?

3. W h o s e c o n v e r s a t i o n left B o a n e r g e s

delighted?

4. W h o ' c o r r e c t l y t o o k ath le t i c a c t i o n '

because he knew more about Boanerges than

the others?

5. W h o chased Boanerges to Brighton and

collapsed six months later?

6. W h o gave o v e r f o r t y s t u d e n t s the

opportunity to be taken for a ride, and was

later taken for a ride herself?

7. W h o did Nick Morton try to force to

wear a silly red nose at U G M s ?

8. W h o told Jen they were 'prepared to,

make fools of themselves' in October , but had.

been victorious three times over by February?

9. W h o was 'Act ion Man '?

10. W h o claimed 'never to have been a

m e m b e r of the N a t i o n a l F r o n t O v e r s e a s

Committee '?

1. 'May I...protest most strongly

about...the most vicious attacks on

Captain Lindley, Victor Mooney and

Lord Flowers I have seen to date.'

Surnames

C a n you complete the full names of these

College personalities?

1. John William Garbutt

2. Michael John 3. Gu ido Erich K a r l

4. Joasia Yvonna

5. Mary Frances

6. Jeannette Elizabeth 2. 7 consider myself thoroughly

inadequately educated.'

3. 'There are going to be drastic

changes in the refectories before

Christmas.'

One to Six

1. W h o was at the centre of a squabble over

who was 'the first'?

2. Two men have appeared on the cover of

F E L I X in drag during this year. W h o are they?

3. W h i c h t h r e e p o s t s c o n f e r o n t h e i r

holders the right to 'observe' but not to vote at

Un ion Counci l ?

4. What four fictitious names were given to

the University Challenge team in F E E L S I C K ?

5. What are the five major subcommittees of

Un ion Counci l ?

6. Name the six departments at IC which

have the word 'Engineering' as part of their

title.

4. 7 always thought that one drink

did nothing to me and that two or three

had little effect-but I found I was

wrong.'

Animals

1. H o w was a new lion made possible by the

weather?

2. W h o is in the dog-house because of a tiger

and a buffalo?

3. A n d who was embarrassed by cows

where there should have been sheep?

4. W h o was not warned about poisonous

snakes?

5. Which animal was stolen twice?

6. W h o sa id ' I 'm qui te h a n d s o m e a n d

certainly not goat-like'?

5. 7 never want to retire. Anyone

who is a true academic will never

retire.'

6. 'A UGM is not democratic-it has

nothing to do with democracy.'

Insults & Praises

W h o said of w h o m (or what)

1. 'He 's even more boring than I a m . '

2. 'The worst loser in the history of Imperial

College. '

3. 'Lazy , inefficient and stupid. '

*

4. ' A terribly nice person, '

5. ' T o l e r a n t a n d c h a r m i n g w i t h m a n y

admirers. '

6. 'It was not built overnight, but took seven

days of careful craftmanship to emerge, solid,

ye t s y m p a t h e t i c t o i t s s u r r o u n d i n g s , a

m o n u m e n t to ( S t e p h e n G o u l d e r ' s ) y e a r

serving on the Union House Committee . '

7. 7 am quite willing to admit that

any lack of interest in my events is

totally my fault.'

Fun & Games

1. What is the oldest inter-collegiate sports

fixture (after the Varsity match) dating back to

1902?

2. W h i c h sabbatical traditionally referees

the pancake race around Beit Quad?

3. Whose solo endeavour in the aquatic side

of things made headline news in F E L I X last

February? '

4. What took fourteen thousand throws in

the Lounge bar last March?

5. W h a t d i d R C S w i n d e s p i t e D a v e

Thompson 's shorts?

6. W h i c h event was furtively transferred to

IC after demonstrators made it impossible to

continue at its original venue?

8. 7 will do my best to prevent

freshers being intimidated at UGMs.'

Goodbye

The following all left College for one reason

or another during the year

1. Whose 'resonant, nay divinely graceful

voice was heard booming over the Union

tannoy?'

2. W h o was 'skuppered ' from Bookings

Office?

3. W h o was the only male on the Union 's

permanent staff?

4. W h o had 'ideas about bar staff wearing

pretty bow ties?'

5. W h o d i e d u n d e r s u s p i c i o u s c i r c u m ­

stances after a disagreement with D o n M o n r o?

9. 'There is nothing wrong in being a

wet tory.'

Also known as

W h o or what are

1. 'The Titanic '?

2. 'Gormless of Gr imsby ' ?

3. ' M r . Nice G u y ' ?

4. ' M c C a b e ' s Folly '?

5. 'Goulder 's Importunity'?

10. 'From the security of my office it

is sometimes difficult to gauge feelings

at College.'

» Peace for Galilee

The utmost Israeli

hyprocrisy

B y a Palestinian student

The Middle East, over the past two weeks , has

been experiencing another outbreak of death

and destruct ion in what seems to be a never

ending struggle between A r a b and Israeli. The

Israeli invasion of Lebanon has so far resulted

in an estimated 10,000 people ki l led, mainly

civil ians, and more than 600,000 people have

been made homeless. A t a time when Israel

claims to be a missionary of peace, it has

a t t a c k e d a n o t h e r c o u n t r y ' s i n t e g r i t y by

bombing Iraq's nuclear reactor at O s i r a k , has

defied wor ld opinion by annexing the G o l a n

Heights , has breached international law by

b u i l d i n g e v e n m o r e s e t t l e m e n t s o n t h e

occupied West Bank (enhousing as many as

35,000 Jewish settlers), has opposed the basic

fundamentals of human rights by denying the

P a l e s t i n i a n s the r i ght to r e t u r n to t h e i r

homeland (when the Israeli L a w of Return

gives any J e w in the wor ld the immediate

f a c i l i t i e s to s e t t l e ) , h a s e n r a g e d h u m a n

s e n t i m e n t s by u s i n g l ive a m m u n i t i o n o n

Palestinian demonstrators in Jerusalem and in

the West Bank (when foam was used to evict

Israeli settlers from the Sinai settlement of

Yami t ) , and has invited worldwide crit ic ism

and disapproval by committ ing yet another

act of aggression against the Lebanon . (In

M a r c h 1978, 30,000 Israeli soldiers crossed the

border into Lebanon , seized a s ix mile border

strip and installed puppet Lebanese major

Saad H a d d a d as its ruler.) A t a time when the

victims of the Israeli assault (mainly Lebanese

and Palestinian civilians) face certain death

due to the lack or insufficiency of medical

supplies, the Uni ted States vetoed the Uni ted

Nations Security Counc i l ' s draft resolution

calling on Israel to withdraw its forces from the

Lebanon . The resolution would not have made

a n y d i f f e r e n c e a n y way ( s ince o v e r 300

resolutions have been passed against Israel

s i n c e 1 9 4 8 n o n e of w h i c h h a v e b e e n

implemented) but such an action is irres­

ponsible, the U S being Israel's main supplier of

a i d a n d m i l i t a r y e q u i p m e n t . A s f o r t h e

u n f o u n d e d Israeli c la im that their mi l i tary

offensive is directed towards preventing the

Palestinian shelling of the Israeli settlements, it

should be noted that the ceasefire proclaimed

in the area, and which lasted for almost ten

months , was only breached by the Israeli

continuous bombardment of Lebanese villages

and Palestinian positions prior to the invasion

(the Guardian and The Times, June 10 1982)

and was met by retaliating moves on the part

of the armed forces of the Palestine Liberation

Organisat ion ( P L O ) .

The recent outbreak of war in the Lebanon

is only a development of the state of affairs

which has in the past been responsible for

t h r e e m a j o r w a r s w h i c h h a v e c l a i m e d

hundreds and thousands of lives. A t the c rux

of the whole Middle East problem lies the

inescapable question of Palestinian identity.

The Palestinians, a friendly and peace loving

people in nature, have been the victims of a

series of tragic historical incidents which have

left t h e m in a n i n s e c u r e a n d d e f e n s e l e s s

position. M a n y of them became refugees living

m a i n l y i n t h e W e s t B a n k , J o r d a n a n d

L e b a n o n . T h e P a l e s t i n i a n d i a s p o r a c a m e

a b o u t i n 1948 as a d i r e c t r e s u l t of t h e

establishment of the state of Israel. For years

a n d y e a r s , the q u e s t i o n of a P a l e s t i n i a n

homeland was left in the hands of the Uni ted

N a t i o n s a n d the S u p e r P o w e r s w h o o n l y

exploited the situation to gain interests in the

area.

Meanwhi le , Palestinian national conscious­

ness grew to a high level and their national

i d e n t i t y w a s a d o m i n a n t t h e m e of t h e i r

e v e r y d a y l i fe. A l l t h e i r da i l y p r o b l e m s of

survival—finding work, food or shelter, arose

from the fact that they were exiled by the

I s r a e l i s f r o m t h e i r h o m e l a n d . P o l i t i c a l

organisation was initially difficult due to the

fact that the Palestinians dispersed, but the

P L O was later established to embody political,

national, social , cultural and educational as

w e l l as m i l i t a r y o r g a n i s a t i o n s ( s u c h as

c o m m a n d o groups, trade unions, professional

associations, etc....). The P L O took as its duty,

the right of confirming the Palestinian identity

and of ending the degradation and sufferings to

which the Palestinians have been exposed.

The P L O has right from the start gained

p o p u l a r s u p p o r t f r o m the w h o l e of the

Palestinian people who saw in it the means of

regaining their lost but not forgotten identity.

The P L O has representative offices in over 60

c o u n t r i e s i n c l u d i n g B r i t a i n . T h e P L O has

a l w a y s s o u g h t t o w a r d s f i n d i n g a p o l i t i c a l

so lu t i on to the p r o b l e m a n d in 1974, the

chairman of the executive counci l of the P L O ,

Yassar Arafat , called for an establishment of a

secular democratic state in Palestine (Israel)

where Arabs and Jews could live in peace side

by side. Most of the Palestinians accepted the

idea of a secular state, but sadly the Israelis

rejected it. By this time, the P L O had become

a strong political force in the area.

There has been an observed moderation in

the policies of the P L O over the past few

years. This moderate trend has now been

destroyed by the Israeli aggression. The P L O

l e a d e r s h i p was c o n t e m p l a t i n g a p e a c e f u l

solution to the conflict and the establishment

of a Palestinian state in the West Bank and the

G a z a strip, but Begin has recently referred to

the West Bank as "Wes tern Eretz Israel" thus

r e v i v i n g the r e v i s i o n i s t n o t i o n t h a t the

"historical land of Israel also included the east

bank of the river J o r d a n " . These Zionist beliefs

o f e x p a n s i o n h a v e p r e s e n t e d a m a j o r

s t u m b l i n g b l o c k w h e n e v e r a t t e m p t s for

reconciliation were made. The invasion of

Lebanon and the pounding of refugee camps

will undoubtedly radicalise the policies of the

P L O , and Palestinian feeling is that armed

struggle might prove to be the only way to

l i b e r a t e the P a l e s t i n i a n h o m e l a n d f r o m a

v i c i o u s a n d u n c o m p r o m i s i n g e n e m y . It is

d i f f i cu l t to see h o w I s r a e l , in its w i d e l y

publicised search for peace, could resort to

such means of death and destruction unless

their idea of peace is that of constant war and

of oppression against the Palestinian people as

a whole.

The Israelies c laim to have launched their

"Peace for Gal i lee" attack on the Lebanon in

order to prevent guerilla attacks on Israel. It is

now obvious that this has been used as a

pretext in order to deliver yet another blow to

the independent and free presence of the

Palestinian people as formulated through the

P L O . The underlying objective of Israel is to

impose the autonomy rule on the Palestinian

inhabitants of the West Bank by creating an

alternative leadership other than the P L O .

Israel has been "losing the gr ip" over the

occupied territories and its 1.1m Palestinian

inhabitants, as demonstrated by the recent

uprisings in Jerusalem and many other West

Bank towns and villages. O n top of this, a

recent poll carr ied out in the West Bank by an

Israeli public opinion research organisation

(PORI) for Time magazine conc luded that

98.2% of the Palestinians on the West Bank

favour an independent Palestinian state and

86% of the population said that they wanted

the state run solely by the P L O (Time, M a y 24,

1982). So , the Israelis invaded the Lebanon in

order to destroy the P L O as a political and

military force in the area in an attempt to

frustrate the Palestinian people in the West

Bank into finding alternative representation.

Previous attempts to do so (such as deposing

pro P L O mayors) proved unsuccessful.

H e a v y c iv i l ian casualt ies have been the

direct result of Israeli shelling of the Lebanese

towns and villages. In their venture the Israelis

h a v e i n c r e a s e d t h e g r i e v a n c e s o f t h e

Palestinian people and this in turn will lead to

more violent outbreaks and to guerilla attacks

by the Palestinians on Israeli interests within

and perhaps outside the boundaries of Israel.

(The P L O in its desperation might be pushed

to revert to its early tact ics of h i jack ing ,

political assassinations, etc . . ) The Israelis are

not destroying a "few terrorist pockets" that

endangered their daily livelihood but they are

trying to put an end to a national movement of

a p e o p l e w h o a r e s t r u g g l i n g f o r s e l f -

determination within a political situation that is

driving them into desperation. Ironically, the

Jews have in the past faced that same situation

yet they refuse to identify with the aspirations

of the Palestinian people. The persecution of

the Jews in Europe has ended but that of the

Palestinians has started. Israel has proved to

be a l a r g e c o n c e n t r a t i o n c a m p f o r the

P a l e s t i n i a n A r a b s w h o a r e c o n t i n u a l l y

h a r a s s e d , i m p r i s o n e d a n d t o r t u r e d for

e x p r e s s i n g " u n f a v o u r a b l e " p o l i t i c a l v i e w s .

C o l l e c t i v e p u n i s h m e n t has b e e n d i r e c t e d

aga ins t P a l e s t i n i a n n a t i o n a l i s t s a n d t h e i r

families, books have been banned, houses

w e r e d e m o l i s h e d , l a n d has b e e n s e i z e d ,

newspapers are subjected to heavy censorship,

demonstrators have been shot, all of which

characterise the Zionist aspect of the State of

I s rae l . T h e P a l e s t i n i a n s t rugg le has b e e n

directed towards ending this oppression and to

those who are fighting for the realisation of this

aim the following tribute is presented:

A word to those who died

For the twins Lebanon and Palestine

A word to those mutilated by the war

And to those renewing the title of refugee

Once more and with no end

To the people who take suffering

With their daily bread

To the people that stood

Against terror and oppression

To you all I say these words:

You are the new Gods

And with your blood

You shall write a new testament

In the history of mankind

You are a consolation

To the oppressed of every nation

You are a curse on tyrants everywhere

And if I were to worship any Gods

I will worship you

For you are the real Gods of Justice

And I beg forgiveness

Since my biggest sin is living

When thousands of you are dead.

FELIX, June 18, 1982

Have you seen our mascot?

Mike is the mascot of Imperial College Union, a large replica of a micrometer weighing 170lbs. Mike went missing in the early hours of the morning of Thursday, May 6, 1982.

So far no news of its whereabouts has been received nor any ransom demanded. The mascot is violable and as such it is expected that other colleges will attempt to remove it. However, if no news of its whereabouts is received by 5:30pm, Friday, June 25, then the incident will be treated as theft. The Police will be called in to investigate and this could lead to a prosecution.

Any news of its position, present, or since May 6 should be forwarded to Marco Ledwold, Imperial College Union, Prince Consort Road, London SW7.

A cautionary tale

Beware of Moonies

I arrived at the bus station in Denver after

seven weeks working and travelling in the

U S A . Dishevelled, tired and a little fed up with

Amer ican and Americans , I booked a room at

the Y W C A intending to find a job to see me

through the next two weeks before travelling

on to California.

A s I gathered my bits and pieces together

and worked out the route, a young guy walked

up to me and asked if I needed any help. His

name was Ross and we chatted for a while

about my travels and life back in England. He

then explained that he was from an Inter­

n a t i o n a l C o m m u n i t y i n D e n v e r c a l l e d

U N I C A P ( U n i f i c a t i o n C o m m u n i t y A c t i o n

Programme). They had an English lecturer

working with them and would I like to come

back for dinner and meet them all. I said " Y o u

are not those dreaded Moonies , are you?"

whereupon he smiled and said no, just a

Christ ian community doing voluntary work. I

went back in the transport provided to an

ordinary looking house where I was greeted

e n t h u s i a s t i c a l l y a n d m a d e to feel v e r y

welcome. The programme commenced with

us s t a n d i n g i n a c i r c l e , s i n g i n g a s o n g ,

i n t r o d u c i n g o u r s e l v e s o n e - b y - o n e a n d a

moment of prayer or silent meditation before

breaking for dinner. After dinner the members

put on a little entertainment before the leader

of the "family" as they called themselves,

spoke about the ills of the world and invited us

all (about seven new recruits) up to their house

in the mountains to hear how they were trying

to change them. W e were shown some slides

and during the refreshments that followed,

they all tried to persuade us individually to go

up. I refused but they put me up that night (a

sleeping bag on the floor as they always slept),

took me to the employment agency the next

morning, showed me around the city and

invited me back for the same programme only

this time I decided to go up to the mountains

with them. " N o t much happens in Denver , "

by Linda Pearce they said, "you might just as well come up to

our house for the weekend and see something

of the rockies ."

W e were woken next morning at 7:30 by a

song and went out onto the mountainside to

do some exercises and sing a few songs. There

were about five new members but we were

never left alone to talk and were accompanied

everywhere by a member of the group. Every

m e a l t i m e e a c h new r e c r u i t was a s k e d to

" s h a r e " something about themselves unti l

eventually, inner-most secrets were divulged.

E v e r y e v e n i n g s u p p o s e d l y c o n f i d e n t i a l

"reflections" were written and read by which

method the group new exactly what the recruit

was thinking. It seemed churlish and bad

manners to refuse to do as asked since the

group were so enthusiastic and nice. E a c h day

we had three, three-hour lectures, with a long

hike at lunchtime and games inbetween and in

the evening. Each moment was regimented

and there was never a moment of privacy, not

even in the bathroom. The last lecture on

Sunday evening divulged their belief that the

M e s s i a h w a s o n e a r t h f o l l o w e d b y a n

emotional testimony from the group leader

and another singsong as happened before and

after every meal. The leader and my spiritual

parent (Ross) immediately came over to me

afterwards and urged me to stay for another

five days to hear more about their beliefs (after

all , who wants to have missed the messiah). I

agreed to stay, along with four others.

T h e f o l l o w i n g w e e k ( a n d t w o w e e k s

afterwards) pursued the same pattern save we

h a d two l e c t u r e s a n d d i d h o u s e w o r k or

woodchopping in the extra time available.

Dur ing the week I asked twice more who the

group were and both times they denied they

were Moonies . O n Friday, the seventh day, it

was revealed that the leader of the group, and

by implication the Mess iah, was Rev S u n

M y u n g M o o n . I was shocked but they justified

the deception by the fact that no one would

s tay if they sa id o u t r i g h t w h o they were

because of their bad press. They called this

"heavenly deception" in the belief that the

ends—whether money or recruits—justifies

the means.

Five weeks later, having spent two weeks

picking up rubbish, fundraising or recruiting, I

phoned home and told my parents that I was

staying in Amer i ca to work for G o d . They flew

out the next day believing I had been kept and

drugged but soon found out the brainwashing

t e c h n i q u e s e m p l o y e d a n d h i r e d a d e p r o -

grammer on arrival. It was five days before

they could locate me by getting my sister to

phone from Germany to verify I was in the

Moonie house and phoning them in a call box

around the corner, early Monday morning. A t

9:00am my father simply walked into the house

as we were all standing in a circle introducing

ourselves. 1 believed that he came for the day

and left with him promising to be back at 4:00.1

got into the car they said they had hired and

we went for a two and a half hour drive

"sightseeing", had lunch, then called into the

drivers 'office'. They then announced that this

was in fact a deprogramming and the two

guys—'trainee drivers '—were security men. I

was talked to for about six hours by the

deprogrammers and an ex-Moonie. B y that

time I decided I did not want to return but

needed to find out who was speaking the truth,

the Unification C h u r c h or the deprogrammers.

The next day I was whisked off to rehabilitate

for a week in Virginia where I slept for three

days a n d read a l l a b o u t the cu l t . T h e n I

returned home to my studies which I have

now, two years later, completed.

A l l i n a l l i t w a s q u i t e a t r a u m a t i c

experience and not one I would wish upon

anyone. It took me a long while to rid myself

o f t h e g u i l t a n d f e a r o f t u r n i n g m y

back on the Messiah, if in fact it was true,

despite the fact that I knew it could not be so. 1

am now a member of a group called E M E R G E

to help people come to terms with coming out

of a cult—adjust to the real world again and to

warn others of the dangers they pose and the

evil they represent. The Moonies and other

cults are not only in the U S but all over the

w o r l d . T h e y e n t r a p v u l n e r a b l e , i dea l i s t i c ,

intelligent young people and turn them into

mental slaves, working eighteen hours per day

in the belief that it is work for G o d enriching

the world, when in fact it is merely enriching

one man—the leader of the cult in his personal

quest for money and power.

FELIX, June 18, 1982

The Editor

by the Staff

M a r k S m i t h and T o m B r o w n (of the novel

T o m Brown ' s Schooldays) have two things in

c o m m o n : they both went to school in Rugby

a n d have very c o m m o n names. They differ in

that T o m B r o w r i spent many action-packed

years at Rugby Schoo l whereas the highlight of

M a r k ' s schooldays was being bullied by Neville

Staples, later to join the Specials and the

F u n b o y Three. It was also whilst living in

Rugby that the infamous event involving a

young lady and a vacumn cleaner flex took

place.

The young Smith left Rugby for L o n d o n when

he entered the Physics Department in 1978.

H e became Departmental Representative in

his second year and is regarded by many

(especially himself) to have been the best Dep

Rep the department (or College in his opinion)

ever had. A t the end of his second year he

edited the R C S U Handbook and was F E L I X

Business Manager in his third year. H e was

This week's caption competion:

The winner can have a free appointment with

M r Smith's dentist.

The staff are sorry that the photo fails to

capture the red rings around M r Smith ' eyes.

returned unopposed as F E L I X Editor and

graduated with a lower second.

M a r k ' s interests are films, science fiction

novels and women in general. However he has

narrowed this last interest down to an As ian

nurse, Ni ta . O n their first meeting M a r k told

Ni ta that his mother, was a mud wrestler, but

she has since apparently changed her job to a

bricklayer.

A fan of fast-food and girlie magazines M a r k

fondly remembers dropping over a dozen

copies of Playboy on the floor of K e n t u c k y

Fr ied C h i c k e n on Gloucester R o a d , in front

of a large crowd.

M a r k ' s F E L I X have been interesting and

avidly read even though he failed to keep many

of the promises he made in his statement of

intent and has let his feelings towards a certain

Southside W a r d e n influence his judgement on

many occasions.

M a r k was honoured by both R C S U and I C U

and this year he was elected to the '22 C l u b

and awarded a Un ion General A w a r d .

M r Smith intends to tour India soon and

would like to be a film director, astronaut and

novelist when he returns but feels his failure to

take up sub-aqua diving may prove to be a

disadvantage.

W e wish him well.

News Quiz Answers In Disquise Starting top left and working clockwise: Nick Mor­ton, Martin S. Taylor, Don Monro, Mary Freeman, Andy Rushton and in the centre Steve Marshall .

Quotes

1. Mark Smith made quote 10.

2. Barney McCabe made quote 6.

3. Steve Marshall made quote 1.

4. Phil Greenstreet made quote 7.

5. Frank James made quote 9.

6. Steve Goulder made quote 8.

7. Eric Laithwaite made quote 5.

8. Nick Pyne made quote 4.

9. Sir Keith Joseph made quote 2.

10. Nick Morton made quote 3.

The Year's Personalities 1. Andy Rushton (B.B. Wolffe, F E L I X 596)

2. Geoffrey Reeves, College Security Officer (in

The Phoenix)

3. Andy Rushton when Bo's lamps were stolen.

4. Martin S. Taylor when his bell failed on Univer­

sity Challenge.

5. Jasper (Jeremy Nunns) of IC Radio.

6. Ann Dziwior, Astrosoc Chairman, in her space

shuttle hoax on Apri l 1 (FELIX, N o 611).

7. Stephen Goulder (Exec News, October 5)

8. The University Challenge team.

9. Nick Morton (FELIX 597)

10. Mary Freeman in her election manifesto

(FELIX 608)

Surnames

1. Lindley (College Domestic Secretary)

2. Passmore (former I C U President)

3. Schmidt (RCS President-elect)

4. Hewanicka (Union Receptionist)

5. Flowers (the Rector's wife)

6. Hardy-Smith (Union Administrator)

One to Six

1. Angie of Linstead.

2. Barney McCabe and Ronan McDonald (FELIX

603).

3. Union Administrator, U L U Representative and

F E L I X Editor.

4. Tobacco, Leather, Isst-Pigs and Measure.

5. Athletic Clubs Committee, Recreational Clubs

Committee, Social Clubs Committee, S C A B and

Publications Board.

6. Chemical, Mechanical, Electrical, Civi l , Petro­

leum and Mineral Resources.

Animals

1. A snow lion was sculpted at the foot of the

Queens Tower (FELIX'600).

2. Princess Anne

3. Victor Mooney, in his pasties.

4. Steve Marshall, embarking for South America

(FELIX 593 Editorial).

5. Reggie, King's College's lion.

6. Barney McCabe .

Insults and Praises

1. J . Martin Taylor of David Owen.

2. Mark Smith of J . Martin Taylor.

3. Nick Morton was quoted as saying this of Bar­

ney McCabe . Whether he actually said it is open to

conjecture.

4. Mark Smith of Nick Morton

5. Nick Morton of Jo Hewanicka.

6. Barney McCabe of the Lower Lounge partition.

Fun & Games

1. The Mines-Camborne fixture.

2. F E L I X Editor

3. James Deeney (FELIX 604).

4. 1,000,001 up darts match.

5. Raft race.

6. Chess display by grandmaster John Nunn.

Goodbye

1. Annie Lathaen, former Union Receptionist.

2. Tony Schaffner, Bookings Manager (B B Wolffe

F E L I X 606)

3. Ian Morse (FELIX printer)

4. Barney McCabe (Freshers' Handbook)

5. Monty, the Montpelier St. cat (FELIX 597)

Also Known As

1. Montpelier Street hall (FELIX 591)

2. Marco Ledwold ( F E E L S I C K )

3. Andy Rushton (Editorial, F E L I X 597)

4. The Lower Lounge partition (Letters, F E L I X

590)

5. The Lower Lounge partition (Letters, F E L I X

591).

Does anyone really want Martin S. Taylor's FELIX?

Leaving Col lege this year? Interested in keeping in touch with what's going on? Then why

not subscribe to F E L I X for a year. For a mere £9.00 you can have your very own copy of

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If you are interested then enquire at the F E L I X Office for further details or return the form

below:

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Cheques payable to: ICU Publications Board (FELIX).

FELIX, June 18, 1982

H i there all you fun people, we

(Phil and I) thought it wouldn't be

a bad idea if we tell you the rest of

College what fun things we have

all done and are going to do.

Life o C I -y R e m e m b e r a l l t h o s e t e r r i f i c

Report f parties at the beginning of each

term? They went just fine. The last

one was a bit tr icky with just a few

of us to clear up, with Phil our

beloved super-hack attacking a

door in a moment of anger.

Of course we don't get a single penny from any union (hint) or the

division, so we have to break even if not better, which we have done.

O n e of the events we spent money on was the Life Sciences Revue,

just before Easter. W e l l that was an amazingly original idea and I think I

should get a prize for it and pulling the whole thing off, but then, I did win

a pen. W e all had fun that night, hoping that Christ ine 's daring costume

wouldn't slip, but being disappointed anyway. A l l the same we raised a

fair few quid for R a g and we're already planning another revue for

C h r i s t m a s . D o c o m e out of the c u p b o a r d a l l y o u P a m e l a R h y s

Riddihoughs!

Of course you didn't come to College just for the social life, we all need

some six or eight hours of sleep a day, and I think I would be correct to

say that most of us prefer to do it during lecture and lab time. The

academic reps are of course concerned that this time should be as

peaceful as possible. M o s t of their work is done in committees no one

attends, so academic news is sparce and secretive, but I do hear C B is to

be cut into two, and I also hear the faintest whisper that matters will

improve on the degree front.

Remember the elections for dep reps? Y e s you d o — a load of idiots

stood up during tea-break and disturbed everyone. I a m ashamed to say

fun people that you didn't all vote, and even more ashamed to say that

most of you seemingly voted Peter B u r t — i f you know how this was done

I'd like to k n o w about it. But of course we love our new dep rep, just

as we loved dear o ld N ath an (well his mother may have) and we should all

give Pete's mother our support .

The new Divisional Students Commit tee met for the first time the

other day, we argued quite a bit, which is better than previous meetings

when there was no one to argue with , but we did sort out a few things.

W e discussed what to do with our money or more to the point where

to put it. A man called M a r c o , with a suspicious complex ion , said he had

a good property deal going in Southside, but we thought better of it. M i k e

is now in charge of the money and he says he'll keep it in a hole in the side

of the river. Ph i ! however says that if ever we are passing his place we can

drop in for a battle of vodka and a sweatshirt anytime.

W e also discussed the next Life S c i Party. This is of course at the

beginning of next term, the first Tuesday in fact. A chappie from the

U n i o n called Greenpiece or something said it wouldn't be, and also that

we couldn't have our o w n tickets, but Peter sorted the bugger out (he

waved his finger at h im, behind his back).

The Divis ion likes to give the freshers a spot of tea before the party, so

they give us some loot to buy food and hire the J C R . Somehow we have

to come up with a lot of butties, Nei l says he'll organise this bit, and any

that help him will get some tea. I have taken over the bar from D a n and I'll

offer coffee to any that help me. If you're big an ' ugly, and I don't believe

D a n k a is, Pete will offer you biscuits, tea and coffee, if you help on the

door. W e do need your help because we still need oodles more money to

do the things we'd like to do for you .

We ' l l be getting some T and sweatshirts next term so order your size

now.

Last point; the first and second year exams both finish on Thursday 24.

The Royal College of M u s i c bar opens at 4:00pm. N e e d I say more?

You'll come back now

love

Geoff

P S : The whole College may be glad to hear, and particularly Debbie , that

Matt Smi th has been locked up by College authorities at Si lwood.

Despite a breakout during Rag Fete it is otherwise safe to say that all

organised student bodies have a better chance of remaining so.

•Pol ish boy scout requires P o l i s h gir l

g u i d e , e x p e r i e n c e a n a d v a n t a g e .

A p p l y C h r i s G i z a , C h e m E n g 2.

• "Uno catso duro non a consciencsa"

see Paddy A n d r w s , M E 3 for detai ls .

• C o a c h tours to see L o n d o n ' s greatest

tour ist at t ract ion in Tra fa lgar Squa re .

Ba i l i n c l uded in pr ice : f rom £ 5 0 for 30

day stay (full board) . For dates, app ly

" E r o s II", 517, L ins tead Ha l l .

•Lonely Hippo seeks a c q u a i n t a n c e —

to betray?

•Large quantities of mud requ i red , for

ear ly morn ing wal low. A p p l y L ins tead .

•Encyclopaedia seeks dictionary for

intel l igent re la t ionship .

• N a s c o m - 2 m i c r o c o m p u t e r , 3 2 K

R A M , P S U g raph ics ch ip , in V e r o c a s e

with separate keyboard enc losu re .

S o f t w a r e i n c l u d e s Z e a p , N a s - D i s /

D e b u g , P a s c a l e t c . O f f e r s a r o u n d

£ 3 5 0 , R m 58, W e e k s Ha l l .

•Morris Traveller: 1966, new w o o d ­

work, gea rbox , recond i t i oned eng ine ,

roofrack, M o T , taxed unti l Augus t ,

needs paint, £ 4 5 0 o n o . Te l 455-3945.

•Yamaha RB100, P reg, 100,000 mi les,

1yr M o T , £ 1 5 0 . Honda C50, P reg,

4,000 mi les, £ 8 5 , Vauxhall Viva, H reg,

100,000 mi les, 1 yr M o T , taxed till Oct ,

£ 2 8 0 o n o . R ing A lex in A s c o t 23911 ext

289 or 22063 ext 5.

Rag

A s you should have read in Mary ' s

letter last F E L I X , I am hoping to

change Rag's approach to collect­

ing next year, by collecting on

c h a r i t i e s ' s t r e e t l i c e n s e s . T h e

C C U s should still be able to do all

t h e s t u n t s t h e y h a v e i n t h e

past—this time without getting

arrested! However , this will mean

that our designated charities are

bound to get less money, but I

hope to cushion this by making

more in Rag Week . The best way

is by some sort of megastunt, for

which we can be sponsored—

preferably by companies as well as

people, and attract media publici­

ty.

W e also need an emblem for

n e x t y e a r : t h i s y e a r it w a s a

kangaroo for Ragaroo 82, but I

d o n ' t w a n t n e x t y e a r t o be

Wallaby 83. (It doesn't have to

r h y m e n e c e s s a r i l y , o r be a

marsupial.)

T o lure you away f rom any

remaining revision or post -exam

celebrations (?), there will be a

prize for any replies which we

adopt or adapt. (Subject to my

discretion.)

I would also like to hear any

s u g g e s t i o n s f o r n e x t y e a r ' s

charities, with reasons, please.

Please help relieve the strain on

my tiney mind by replying to the

Rag pigeonhole in I C U .

J o h n Ferguson

Rag C h a i r m a n 1982/3

Community Action

The Soup R u n is continuing over

summer for all students staying in

the big city.

The place: Fa lmouth Kitchens .

T h e t i m e : 1 0 : 3 0 p m every

Tuesday.

Please help if you're around .

Dancing Club

This has been another successful year for IC 's thriving Danc ing C l u b ,

both in terms of team results and an enthusiastic membership.

There were three major competitions during the year, the first of which

was the Southern Ball hosted by Bristo l University , in which the team

was fourth overall . A t the Inter-Varsity Ball in Southampton , IC were a

disappointing eleventh, but this did not do justice to the quality of the

team's dancing. The culmination of the team's success was at the Vars i ty

M a t c h Ball hosted by O x f o r d . S i m o n Car ter and Melanie C o o p e r were

runners-up in the O p e n Bal l room competit ion and the Lat in A m e r i c a n

c o m p e t i t i o n w a s w o n by R i c h a r d W i l l i a m s a n d S a l l y B a r t o n .

Congratulations to them and many thanks also for the keen involvement

of V i c k y W e l s h and A l a n Logan (quickstep) and Rebecca M a y and A l a n

Edwards (jive).

M e m b e r s are reminded that lessons continue until M o n d a y , June 21,

a n d those w h o are interested in s u m m e r lessons s h o u l d contac t

committee members before the end of term. Those who would like to

compete for the team next year should approach committee members

soon so that the team may be organised.

O n behalf of the incoming committee I would like to thank the outgoing

committee for their excellent work and sustained commitment to the

club throughout the year.

R. Daud

President

Bookshop News R e c o m m e n d e d R e a d i n g L i s t s , there are s t i l l a n u m b e r of

tutors /teachers / lecturers who have not let us have these lists

back yet. M a y I stress once again how important it is for us to

have this information to ensure that the books you want for your

students to have are in stock at the start of term. O n c e we get

that information, we can send out the orders. Cons ider though

that it takes on average twenty working days from U K publishers

and ninety working days from outside the U K for our orders to be

processed, you can see how little time we have. If by chance you

recommend a title that is not available, we have to inform you and

an alternative found. This is all time consuming, so please your

help in getting lists, correctly filled in , back to us is of the utmost

importance.

Holiday Reading The Dreamers' D i c t i o n a r y - R o b i n s o n & Corbet t , Souvenir Press

£6.95

A Traveller's Life-Eric Newby , Col l ins £8.95

Listener's Guide to J a z z - A l a n R i ch , Blandford £4.95

Listener's Guide to the Blues-Peter Gura ln i ck , Blandford £4.95

Light of Evening-Pamela Street, Pavanna, £1.50

Z ig -Zag -R i chard Thronley , Picador £1:95

Ancestral V i c e s - T o m Sharpe , P a n £1.50

F-Plan Diet-Audrey Eyton , Penguin, £1.50

London for the Disabled Visitor £0.95

Plus a wide range of novels, cr ime, science fiction, adventure,

humour , etc.

Have a good holiday! Don't get bored—buy a book!

FELIX, June 18, 1982

This year seems to have slipped by quicker

than it takes to erect and demolish a partition.

A t the end of a sabbatical year as F E L I X

Editor it seems appropriate (for some reason)

t o l o o k b a c k a n d a s s e s s t h e U n i o n ' s

performance. Besides that, it is my last chance

to say the things I've been meaning to say all

year.

The College It would be all too easy to fabricate stories

about gross cock-ups and the waste of money

at Imperial College. But I really don't have to.

I have always been surprised that one of the

world's top educational institutions, can at

times be run so badly. The College authorities

are in theory the guardians of our welfare.

Their job is to ensure that we receive an

adequate education in our chosen fields and

that we have reasonable facilities for living,

eating and recreation. They are paid to do this

and nothing else.

What do we get? After four years at IC I

think that on the academic side we are treated

fairly well. Most undergraduate courses are

reasonable, although the workload on some

(part icular ly engineering subjects) is a bit

tough. I can't vouch for P C s but I'm sure the

situation is not too bad.

Apart from this we have a mixed deal.

Because of the size of the College we are

afforded fairly generous Union facilities, but we

suffer f r o m h a v i n g a n a b y s m a l r e f e c t o r y

service (which sinks further into the depths

every year) inadequate residence facilities and

we're hampered by bumbling administrators.

Refectories I've not rea l l y i n d u l g e d in pe t ty p e r s o n a l

sniping at Vic tor Mooney and his cronies, but

the one thing in the forefront of my mind which

a b s o l u t e l y r e e k s of i n e f f i c i e n c y a r e the

refectories. M r Mooney takes the attitude that

F E L I X digs up stories about him and his work

when there is nothing else to do. This is not so,

but he uses this as a shield and has become

hardened- to criticism over the past twenty

nine years.

Dur ing my four years at College I've seen

the refectories go from being appalling to

a b s o l u t e l y a p p a l l i n g . T h e r e are a c a p t i v e

clientelle (in more ways than one!) of over

4,000 s t u d e n t s , al l of w h i c h want to eat

reasonable food at decent prices. Mooney

provides neither and instead of improving

facilities he now takes the novel approach of

closing them down. I realise that he has a hard

job and probably attempts to work very hard,

but after twenty-nine years of failure he should

call it a day.

I'm not a catering manager and can't offer

complete solutions, but I'm sure some young

blood could. So pack your bags Vic and retire.

Captain Lindley T a l k i n g of w h i c h M r M o o n e y ' s s u p e r i o r

C a p t a i n L i n d l e y ( D o m e s t i c S e c r e t a r y ) is

retiring at Christmas (see news page).

Those who were here last year witnessed

the emergence of Captain Lindley into the

limelight. M y predecessor had a great deal of

fun at his expense and succeeded in showing

how awful senior administrators can be. A l l of

the criticisms of old Salty are, to a certain

extent, justified and he typifies the breed of

College administrator who believes that IC

w o u l d r u n p e r f e c t l y if it wasn't for the

students. T h e S h e r f i e l d B u i l d i n g s e e m s

stocked up with quite a few of these characters

and whilst I'm certain nobody really wishes the

Captain any bad will personally, we'd all be

better off if he took a few others (including

Mooney) with him.

Continuity The great advantage which College have over

the Union is, of course, continuity. Union

officers are only elected for a year at a time

and the College use their years of experience

to full advantage.

Some years can be pretty rough for the

Sherfield Building. If the President, or F E L I X

Editor for that matter, can shout loud enough

and get the support of students, then the

College can be forced into doing just about

a n y t h i n g . Forced m a y s o u n d b a d , b u t

believe me it is necessary when dealing with

the Sherfield Building. The problem is that

m o r e o f ten t h a n not s t u d e n t s are a d i s ­

organised rabble, most of which are more

interested in being deadly boring or getting

pissed than improving their lot.

Student Un ion officials often fall into this

category—either that or they're so afraid of

getting their fingers burnt that they allow the

C o l l e g e to wa lk all o v e r t h e m . T h e best

example this year must be Nick M o r t o n and

the proposed move to Southside.

N i c k hasn't been a bad President, in fact on

the whole (despite some major differences of

opinion) he has been pretty good. His problem

has been that he is far too good natured and

optimistic to spot College pulling a fast one. As

I've said to him on many occasions, it is no use

giving a blanket approval for College schemes

( l ike the S o u t h s i d e p lan) b e c a u s e y o u ' r e

immediately in a weak bargaining position.

What sort of concessions can you gain by

agreeing outright?

At the same time College Secretary John

Smith can be likened to a foot in the door

e n c y c l o p a e d i a s a l e s m a n . I t h i n k it 's qui te

obvious that the College would really like to

get their hands on the Union Building to use as

part of Life Sciences and a post-experience

centre and hence have come up with this

marvellous scheme. J o h n Smith has success­

fully sold the idea to Nick M o r t o n , claiming

that it was for the Union 's own good that

College want to spend £250,000 on the move

and that the vacation of the present building is

just an added bonus for them.

If there is no firm opposition to this idea

then the College will ease it through over two,

three or even four years without anybody

really noticing. Ful l plans, estimates of costs

and so on will be held just out of our reach until

it is too late—"The nature of the work is such

that we cannot tell you exactly that at this

time," we will be told and eventually the tide of

C o l l e g e b u r e a u c r a c y w i l l c o n v i n c e the

students union of two or three year hence that

the idea has already been approved and that

there is no turning back.

I hope that if fu l l plans are not available next

October and if we cannot be certain that the

College will deliver the goods (and let's face it,

on their record can we afford to take that

risk?) then you will all voice your opinions and

make sure we keep our facilities.

The Union Most students seem to take little interest in

U G M s and I can't blame them. I've attempted

to keep F E L I X relevant to student affairs,

concentrating mainly on internal matters, but

the mass of irrelevant politically orientated

motions at U G M s only serves to increase the

boredom that the officers' reports inevitably

promote. There is nothing wrong with noble

causes, but IC Union is hardly the United

Nations and some of the people who propose

these items could be better employed with

subjects a little closer to home.

T o be quite honest I sometimes wonder why

anybody gives a damn about the Union . So few

people take any real interest and it usually falls

to them to sort out the mess others leave

behind. Cop ing with some of the moronic

officials f rom Sherf ie ld is pure he l l—most

n a v v i e s w o u l d put t h e m to s h a m e in the

intelligence stakes.

But despite all this there seems to be some

r e w a r d s in w o r k i n g for the U n i o n . T h e

admiration of your fellow students isn't worth a

tinker's cuss, but most employers recognise

that it is better to take on people who have

exhibited a lively character and community

s p i r i t , r a t h e r t h a n s o m e of the d r e a r y

individuals who can do nothing but work. That

doesn't apply to many of you (thank God!) but

as the employment situation has gotten worse

there has been a marked decline in parti­

cipation.

Nick Morton

This year's President has his faults, but I hope

people recognise that he's been a lot better

than most. His strength and weakness is his

good nature, which lays him opent to attack

from people like me and also makes him trust

the College.

N i c k has certainly worked hard for the

U n i o n but I be l ieve that his a p p r o a c h of

cooperating with College (and keeping things

quiet for long periods) is fundamentally wrong.

W e c a n n o t t rus t C o l l e g e to do a n y t h i n g

without a little gentle persuasion and we have

to maintain a bargaining position. They will

take advantage of inexperience and misplaced

trust at almost every opportunity so if you're

not t o l d a b o u t a n y t h i n g by y o u r e l e c t e d

officials then it suits them fine. I hope that I've

managed to throw a few things into light this

year and also that you'll show an appropriate

reaction.

Remember that a little interest from a lot of

people can go a long way.

Thanks

There is far too little space to thank all those

p e o p l e w h o h a v e b e e n of h e l p to me

throughout my four years.

Firstly thanks to the Physics department

(especially Robin Smith and Brian Morgan) for

putting up with me and to all those in R C S U in

my first year—it was a great year.

This year's staff have been a great help:

thanks to Peter Rodgers, Lesley Horrocks

(who is still a mega-star), Pallab G h o s h , Mart in

S. Taylor , Steve Goulder , David Rowe, David

Brit ton, Ramzi Shammas, Nick Thexton , Jane

Will iams, N . Wil lson, Nick Bedding, Caroline

G o d i n , Soheel , Dave G i l l , Alistair K i r k , the

disgustingly funny Rich Archer (sorry more

haven't gone in!), Dave Jago, Jes, M o , Stuart,

D a n u t a , P a u l B a i l e y , Izy a n d the regu lar

collators, and of course M a z Fellows and Ian

Morse , I shall miss you all .

A s p e c i a l m e n t i o n h a s to go t o m y

predecessor Steve Marshall for a great deal of

fun and to M r s Vary for always having a smile

at tea time.

I'll soon be off into the wide world of work,

but my ties with Imperial College will never be

fully severed.

Unti l next time—farewell!

FELIX is published by the Editor for and on behalf of the Imperial College Union Publications Board, and is printed by the Union Print Unit, Prince

Consort Road, London SW7 2BB (589-5111 ext 1048 int 2881) Copyright FELIX 1982. Editor: M A Smith, Advertising Manager: S M Giblin.