How to Raise Teenagers at Home in Your Spare Time

How to Raise Teenagers at How to Raise Teenagers at Home in Your Spare TimeHome in Your Spare Time

William B. Berman, Ph.D.William B. Berman, Ph.D.www.CFItulsa.com

What does the Bible say about What does the Bible say about adolescents?adolescents?

    Exodus 20:13Exodus 20:13                "Thou shalt not kill.“"Thou shalt not kill.“

1Thes 3:41Thes 3:4““it came to passit came to pass””

Hebrews 12:11Hebrews 12:11““No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful later No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who are trained by it”peace for those who are trained by it”

Proverbs 22:6Proverbs 22:6Train up a child in the way he should go: and Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old when he is old he he

will not depart from it.will not depart from it.

2 Peter 3:82 Peter 3:8But do not forget this one thing, dear friend with the Lord a day is But do not forget this one thing, dear friend with the Lord a day is

like a thousand years and a thousand years are like a day.like a thousand years and a thousand years are like a day.

ADOLESCENCEADOLESCENCEA CULTURAL AND HISTORICAL PERSPECTIVEA CULTURAL AND HISTORICAL PERSPECTIVE

A culturally determined phenomenon (Not Universal)

Invented in 1899 by the State of Illinois Legislature passed the first law in the US defining children under 16 as being subject to a different set of laws 

Teens were no longer subject to the adult criminal code

Teens had their own set of new laws called "status offenses“

A status offense is a law that you outgrow at "age of majority“(e.g., purchase of tobacco, fire arms, or alcohol, curfews, etc.)

In effect, teens were no longer expected to act like adults

Adolescent BrainAdolescent Brain

Human Brain 90%– 95% of it’s final size by Human Brain 90%– 95% of it’s final size by age 6 - 7 yearsage 6 - 7 years

By age 12, it is fully grownBy age 12, it is fully grown But, it is not fully developed until mid 20’s But, it is not fully developed until mid 20’s Female brain grows about 1-2 years faster Female brain grows about 1-2 years faster

during adolescenceduring adolescence

Functional MRI (fMRI) Functional MRI (fMRI) StudiesStudies

In children, most active region is midbrainIn children, most active region is midbrain In adults, most active region is Frontal In adults, most active region is Frontal

cortex (prefrontal cortex is much larger in cortex (prefrontal cortex is much larger in the human brain than in any other animal)the human brain than in any other animal)

During adolescence, a gradual shift from During adolescence, a gradual shift from midbrain to frontal cortex activitymidbrain to frontal cortex activity

Frontal Cortex

Changes in Brain Functioning that Changes in Brain Functioning that Begin During AdolescenceBegin During Adolescence

UNFORTUNATLY, social maturity, impulse control, UNFORTUNATLY, social maturity, impulse control, skills in managing emotions, and the ability to delay skills in managing emotions, and the ability to delay gratification develop at a much slower pacegratification develop at a much slower pace

AND, hormone levels surgeAND, hormone levels surge

SO, we see increases in risk taking; decisions without SO, we see increases in risk taking; decisions without consideration of long term consequences; and peer consideration of long term consequences; and peer pressure influences pressure influences

Ready --- Fire --- AIM

Changes in Brain Functioning that Changes in Brain Functioning that Begin During AdolescenceBegin During Adolescence

Once this brain transformation is Once this brain transformation is completed by mid-20’s:completed by mid-20’s:

Foresight (anticipation of what will happen Foresight (anticipation of what will happen if…) factors into decision making and if…) factors into decision making and hindsight (learn from mistakes) no longer the hindsight (learn from mistakes) no longer the dominant factordominant factor

Reprocess past decision with new brainReprocess past decision with new brain ““WHAT WAS I THINKING!?”WHAT WAS I THINKING!?” Discover that parents made their decision Discover that parents made their decision

with this new brain that we now use to make with this new brain that we now use to make decision about our children decision about our children

(remember Proverbs 22:6)(remember Proverbs 22:6)

 1972

 1969

What was I thinking!?

Rules v. WishesRules v. Wishes

RuleRuleA command with a mandatory consequences A command with a mandatory consequences for noncompliancefor noncompliance

WishWishA hope with no consequence for A hope with no consequence for nonfulfillmentnonfulfillment

REMEMBER: Teenagers obey rules Teenagers do not grant wishes

Parenting Teenagers 101Parenting Teenagers 101

1.1.   Encourage and affirm Encourage and affirm Resist invoking “parent’s curse”Resist invoking “parent’s curse” Let them know that you didn’t understand the Let them know that you didn’t understand the

wisdom behind your parents rules wisdom behind your parents rules either, either, until you became an adult yourselfuntil you became an adult yourself

2.  Teach and practice effective communication2.  Teach and practice effective communication Speaker-Listener techniqueSpeaker-Listener technique

3.  Time Out (stop the avalanche) 3.  Time Out (stop the avalanche) By mutual agreementBy mutual agreement Use humorUse humor

Parenting Teenagers 101Parenting Teenagers 101  

4.  Understand their struggle (They 4.  Understand their struggle (They won't!)won't!) IIdentitydentity InadequacyInadequacy ConformityConformity Role confusionRole confusion Puberty starts early and must delay marriage Puberty starts early and must delay marriage

longer in our culturelonger in our culture SexualitySexuality TemptationTemptation Approach-Avoidance about becoming a Approach-Avoidance about becoming a

responsible adult (Peter Pan)responsible adult (Peter Pan)  

55.  .  Tough LoveTough Love Very toughVery tough Very loving Very loving     

Parenting Teenagers 101Parenting Teenagers 101

  6.  Rules - Relationship = Rebellion6.  Rules - Relationship = Rebellion

7.  Exercise authority (benevolent dictatorship)7.  Exercise authority (benevolent dictatorship) But as surely as God is faithful our message to you is not “yes” But as surely as God is faithful our message to you is not “yes”

and “no” and “no”

2 Cor 1:182 Cor 1:18 Above all, my brothers and sisters, do not swear – not by heaven Above all, my brothers and sisters, do not swear – not by heaven

or by earth or by anything else. All you need to say is a simple or by earth or by anything else. All you need to say is a simple “yes or “no”; otherwise, you will be condemned James 5:12“yes or “no”; otherwise, you will be condemned James 5:12

All you need to say is simply “yes” or “no”; anything beyond this All you need to say is simply “yes” or “no”; anything beyond this comes from the evil one. Matt 5:37comes from the evil one. Matt 5:37

8.  Accountability8.  Accountability

9.  Fairness  9.  Fairness 

                Teen takes risk, parent suffers consequence?Teen takes risk, parent suffers consequence?

  10.  10.  Effective consequencesEffective consequences

Effective ConsequencesEffective Consequences No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but

painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it. NIV Heb 12:11

The least averse consequence that works is the most aversive consequence you need to use

Contingency reinforcement (Grandma’s Rule) If the consequence doesn’t work then it must be

increased There is no need for “verbal overkill” Your teenager then has only 2 choices: surrender

the easy way or surrender the hard way