Helping Your Child See Their Worth in a World of...Goals of this Presentation •To identify pressures kids/teens face today •While also discussing ways to intervene and support

Helping Your Child See Their Worth in a World of

“Not Enough”

Jessica Callicutt, MS, LPC-S, RPT-S, NCC

Goals of this Presentation

• To identify pressures kids/teens face today

• While also discussing ways to intervene and support your child by facilitating personal growth and change while creating realistic expectations

• Thus leading to increasing shame resilience, increasing self-esteem and fostering a healthy self-concept within your child

A Culture of “Not Enough”

• Society is changing, it is not like it used to be when you were growing up!

• There is so much pressure to perform and excel and this is impacting our ability to connect with each other and to be in relation to each other and to see our value/worth


• We are experiencing an increase in struggles due to societal/cultural changes. – Kids are spending much more time inside

• How are they spending their time? What kind of impact does this have? What are they being exposed to?

– Parents are spending much more time at work • What is it like for you to come home at the end of the day? How

much do you have to give your family?

– Families are spending much less time together • When’s the last time you had a quality meal/activity without your

smartphone?


• Self-worth is becoming based on what you look like, what you do, not who you are.

• We’re living in a culture of SHAME

• A culture of

– “Who I am is Not Okay. Who I am is Not Enough”.


• Who am I Supposed to be?

• What am I Supposed to do?

• Most common expectations come from: • Within the Family, Peer Pressure, and Society

• Messages are Coming from Everywhere! • Role Models, Peers, Media, Parents, Educators,

Religious Leaders, Celebrities, Politicians,

• With so many messages, it gets confusing!


• Let’s explore some of the main sources of messages speaking to the belief of “Who I am is NOT Enough” – Media

– Body Image and Appearance

– Academics

– Sports/Athletics

– Peer Pressure

– Pressure to Succeed and Not be “Lazy”

Media Messages

music – listening to music is the number one non-school

activity for teenagers

– 87% of teens listen to music or watch music videos 4 to 5 hours a day

– teens will listen to 10,500 hours of music between the 7th and 12 grades • this is JUST 500 fewer hours than they will spend in school

from kindergarten through 12th grade

– 90% of teens report knowing many/all lyrics to their favorite songs

Media Messages

• Movies/TV – Often portrays rebellious teens

• Social Media – The Power of “Likes”

• Lots of likes? A few likes? No likes?

– Increase in Cyber-Bullying

• Technology – Smartphones are cool, but it comes with new

expectations to constantly be available

– Decreases down time and increases expectations

Media Messages about Body Image and Appearance

• Magazines often communicate that you will have the “perfect life” if you have the “right” clothing/hair/accessories, and a perfect body.

– Obsession with thinness

• They create unrealistic expectations for beauty and social interactions

• Adds are becoming increasingly sexual, including adds for school-aged children.

Peer Pressure

• Teens always want to fit in, they want to be liked, and this can lead to making choices that stray away from their values.

• In order to fit in, they may compromise their own beliefs to find acceptance within the social situation – Think experimentation with alcohol and drugs, sexual

relationships, risk-taking behaviors, etc.

– Teens are more likely to take risks when other teens are around

School and Academics

• Children have an extraordinary amount of homework, assignments and projects and from an earlier age!

• They’re spending significantly more time on schoolwork outside of school – This is impacting their ability to play and explore. Play

is important because this is a child’s natural language, it’s how children develop understanding about the world!

• Increased competition in GPA’s and class rankings

School and Academics

• We don’t see kids enjoying their lives anymore!

– You’re going to take an AP course to get a 4.4 GPA?

• Research shows that children who have more recess/breaks during school are retaining more information, better learners and overall more emotionally healthy

– Yet we’re taking out recess and arts/activities to replace with academics and zero hour courses?

– There’s an overall increase in hours spent in tutorials

Sports and Athletics

• Competitive Sports and Club Sports

– Time commitments

– Focus on tournament teams and competition

– Drive to be the best, to come in first place

– Parent involvement in competition

– Even uniforms


• Can create a culture where our teens/kids are:

– Depressed by Pressure

– Self-loathing

– Stressed and Anxious

– Isolated and Lonely

– Ashamed

• They are adapting an internal belief that of “Who I am is Not Okay, Who I am is Not Enough”


• We have a lot of ingested “shoulds” from living in a culture of high expectations – Expecting ourselves to be different does not honor our genuine

self, we’re comparing to a fantasy self – Compare and Despair – Our kids are under SO much pressure to succeed and not be

“lazy” – We expect so much out of our kids…

• Our culture of “not enough” is leading to increasing diagnoses of depression, anxiety, eating disorders, substance use/abuse, self-harm, etc.

• How can our kids/teens simply LIVE without having to constantly DO?


• What we’re also noticing is that teens are struggling with how to act within their values

• There are so many competing messages and they don’t have the coping skills for when they experience uncertainty or when messages conflict

• This is where the parenting comes in! – Are you okay with giving up the perfect child so

your child can be their own self?

Parenting and the Teen’s Brain

• By understanding a few things about how your teen’s brain works, you will be better able to understand your teen, respond to difficult situations more effectively and build a foundation for social, emotional and mental health!

Teen Brain Development

• Their brains are still developing, which means they won’t think logically – A brain is not fully developed until age 25

• Their brains are still operating in the emotional or limbic system, which means lots of times they will act out of their emotional brain and do not have the capability to access their decision-making part of the brain – They start to have these skills, if given time and access

to gather information

Teen Brain Development

• This is why sometimes the might do something impulsive like drive to fast or kick a door when they know better

• They’re going to make mistakes, they’re going to make poor choices

• They’re going to have intense emotions and teen tantrums

• They’re going to misunderstand what you say because they’re in their emotional brain

Fundamental Tasks of a Teen

• To explore their identity and develop an understanding of self

• To learn about relationships

• To separate from family and establish autonomy and independence

• All of these things happen while trying to navigate expectations, values and cultural messages

Parenting Your Teen

• Secure attachment is an essential foundation for psychological development across the lifespan

• It is developed from predictable relationships in which a child feels understood, connected and protected by their primary caregiver

• Parents who are emotionally available and responsive, perceptive and flexible facilitate this process, thus setting the foundation for healthy relationships in the future.

• Parents want the best for their kids! – Sometimes this can lead to not letting them develop at their

own pace, which can impact the ability to make decisions/learn from experiences

Parenting Your Teen

• A child’s behavior is a projection of their view of self (concept, worth, value) – How you see your child is how the child will see

him/herself. – To change the way a child behaves, you have to

change the way they see themselves by creating a positive self-concept

• If children are loved for their own sake, unconditionally, they are more likely to reach their true potential

• Are you okay with giving up the perfect child so your child can be their own self?

Connecting Feelings and Behavior

• There is a direct connection between how children feel and how they behave

• Children will make good choices when they feel good about themselves.

• How do we help them to feel good?

• We accept them as they are, including all of their thoughts, feelings and behaviors and… challenge the culture of shame!

What Does Your Teen Need From You?

• They need you to be a healthy role model

• They need you to be an empathetic listener

• They need you to love them forever – “There is nothing you can say or do that will

change the way I feel about you”

• They need you to keep them safe

• They need you to guide them

• They need your support and they need you to help build hope!

Parenting in a Culture of “Not Enough”

• Set and maintain realistic expectations

• Consistency and dependability

• Allow them to explore, don’t rescue

• Empathetic listening and support

• Instill Hope and Create Shame Resiliency

Realistic Expectations

• It’s okay to have feelings, to be in a bad mood and have a bad day – Not, always be happy or in a good mood

• Work hard and do your best – Not, be perfect and strive towards performing

• Mistakes happen – Not, never mess up

• Give them everything you have not just what you can spare

Realistic Expectations

• Be mindful of how you treat yourself and others

– Kids will look up to you for guidance and modeling

• Pick your battles! Your teen is going to try to get away with things and will

– All choices have consequences, maybe some are better learned through experience than punishment

• Kids learn more from what we do than what we say

• In parenting, lead by example and guide them!

Empathic Listening and Support

• By dismissing your child’s distress, you are adding to it

• Active listening, without judgment, without advising is important

• You can’t take away all of their pain, but by putting words to their thoughts and feelings you can validate their experience and help them deal with reality.

• This can help them to gather strength and courage to move forward, rather than getting stuck in shame.

Empathic Listening and Support

• Listen with FULL attention – Quietly and with genuine interest

• Acknowledge his/her feelings with a word – “Oh”, “Uh-huh”, “I see”

• Name the feeling • “That feels scary” or “You feel mad”

• Grant his wishes in fantasy – “I wish you had been invited to that party too!”

• Reflective Responding – This helps you to understand your child and helps your child to

feel understood • “You felt ____sad____ (name feeling) when __no one liked your

Facebook post__ (thing/event) happened.

Focus on Your “Be With” Attitude

“Be With” Attitude

I am here; I hear you

I understand

I care

NOT

I always agree

I must make you happy

I will solve your problems

How does this help?

• Attitude is more important than any words we use. When our words are infused with our real feelings of empathy they will speak directly to a child’s heart.

• By giving your child a vocabulary for their inner reality, they will have words to communicate what they are experiencing and can begin to help themselves.

Why not Questions?

• It’s much easier to talk to a parent who accepts your feelings, rather than one that questions them or asks for explanations – “Why do you feel that way?” or “What happened?”

• All you can do is attempt to understand your child’s feelings, even as irrational as they may seem.

• You are more helpful when you HELP them rather than lecturing them

• Being listened to raises self-esteem and helps one to explore the things that both cause and reduce anxiety

• When we rebuke, criticize or find fault in thinking patterns, communication decreases and children lose willingness to expose themselves

Talking WITH them not TO them

• We are often inclined to assume that we know how a child feels

• If our child feels differently, we close the door to communication

• Their ideas and viewpoints are important

• Listening helps to discover their logic, guiding can help to see a different viewpoint

• Children will not be open with us if we tell them how wrong we think they are

Creating Shame Resiliency

• Guilt is the feeling we experience when we believe that we have done something bad

• Shame is feeling we experience when we believe that we are bad. – “Who I am is not okay”

– “Who I am is not enough”

• In today’s culture of “not enough”, it is a shamed based culture where we are looking towards changing who we are to fit in with the messages of who we “should” be.

Shame Resilience

• The ability to overcome adversity is resilience

• Research has shown that there are five common factors amongst resilient people: – Good problem skills and resourceful

– More willing to ask for help/support

– They believe they can can find a way to cope and manage their feelings

– They have support available to them

– They feel connected to their community

Shame Resilience

• Other factors of resilience include:

– Spirituality

– Hope

– Critical Awareness

– Letting go of numbing and taking the edge off vulnerability, discomfort and pain

Shame Resiliency

• Hope and power are often misunderstood – Hope is a way of thinking

• It happens when we can set realistic goals, are able to figure out how to achieve them and believe in ourselves

– Hope is learned • And most often learned from our parents • To learn hope, we need boundaries, consistency, and

support • To cultivate hopefulness, we have to be willing to be flexible

and demonstrate perseverance • Hopeful self-talk sounds more like “This is tough, I can do it”

not the cultural belief that everything should be fun, fast and easy.

Shame Resiliency

• If we don’t have hope, we can feel powerless

– Power is the ability to effect change

• It is important to create hope and power to instill the belief that one effect change, that we can work through and cope with doubt and fear, that when it get’s tough, we believe “I know I can do this”.

Shame Resiliency

• Practicing Critical Awareness

– Is checking in with reality about the messages and expectations that drive the “never good enough” gremlins

– As stated earlier, we are bombarded with messages about how we “should” be, act, feel, etc. and this is overwhelming.

• No wonder teens have difficulty making choices and deciphering the pressure from their values

Shame Resiliency

• Practicing Critical Awareness

– How to support your kids and do a reality check?

• Is what I’m seeing real? Or is this fantasy?

• Do these images reflect health living? Or unrealistic expectations?

• What happens when I see these images? – How do I feel about myself? My worth? My value?

– Do I believe that I am enough?

– Shame narrows our mind, we have to step back and look at the bigger picture.

Shame Resiliency

• Shame is culturally conditioned

– We are bombarded with the 200 billion a year advertising industry

– We expect too much out of our kids

• When we allow ourselves to believe that we are not enough (thin enough, fast enough, popular enough, make enough money, have enough, etc.) it damages our souls.

Shame Resiliency

• It is important to let ourselves and teach our youth that it is okay to feel the feelings and learn how to cope when experiences challenge us to go outside our values or change who we are

• How can we lean into discomfort?

• If we’re not able to do this, then we risk increasing numbness, substance use/abuse, depression/anxiety, eating disorders and inauthentic living

Shame Resiliency

• How can we look at ourselves and say that the messages may tell me something different, the messages in my world are full of “shoulds” but

– “Who I am is enough. Who I am is me and I am worthy, loveable and important just as I am.”

Closing Thoughts • Our youth is growing up in a culture of “not enough”. Expectations are high and self-

worth, confidence, and self-esteem is low

• They are fighting to defend themselves and feel accepted and this can come at a cost.

• By setting and maintaining realistic expectations, offering unconditional positive regard and support, and helping to guide them rather than rescue you create a secure relationship in which they are free to explore their sense of self, their thoughts and feelings, and sense of personal power without judgment.

• By using the skills that we have discussed today, I hope that you will find yourself much more EMPOWERED when it comes to parenting your child and supporting them in a shame based culture

• Education and open communication is one of the biggest tools you have in your tool box to challenge the messages of “not enough” and “shoulds” that they will see everyday

• When using these skills, you are building a solid, healthy relationship with your child, which fosters personal growth in you the parent, as well as your child.

• While at the same time, growing the amount of self-esteem and the developing a healthy self-concept within your child, which will help them to accept their self and develop shame resilience, increase self-esteem, values, self-worth and the belief that “Who I am is enough. Who I am is A-okay”

References Brown,B (2010). The gifts of imperfection: Letting go of who you think you’re supposed to be and embrace who you are.

Hazelden.

Carlson, J. (2011). The parent effect: How parenting style affects adolescent behavior and personality development. Washington,

D.C.: NASW Press.

Dion, Lisa. Aggression and Death in the Playroom: A Neurobiological Approach to Integrating Extremes in Play Therapy.

Presentation at 2016 Texas Association for Play Therapy Conference

Faber, A., & Mazlish, E. (2005). How to talk so teens will listen-- & listen so teens will talk. New York: Harper Collins.

Kilbourne, Jean. www.jeankilbourne.com and includes video series Killing us Softly 4, Slim Hopes: Advertising and The Obsession

with Thinness, as well as Tough Guise: Violence, Media and the Crisis in Masculinity

Landreth, G., Bratton, S., Kellam, T., & Blackard, S. (2006). Child-parent-relationship therapy (CPRT): A 10- session filial therapy

model. New York: Routledge, Taylor & Francis Group.

Mogel, W. (2010). The blessing of a B minus: Using Jewish teachings to raise resilient teenagers. New York: Scribner.

Mogel, W. (2001). The blessing of a skinned knee: Using Jewish teachings to raise self-reliant children. New York: Scribner.

Siegel, D., & Bryson, T. (2011). The whole-brain child: 12 revolutionary strategies to nurture your child's developing mind.

New York: Delacorte Press.

Townsend, J. (2006). Boundaries with teens: When to say yes, how to say no. Grand Rapids, Mich.: Zondervan.

http://www.jeankilbourne.com

How to Contact Me! www.empowered-counseling.com

Jessica Callicutt, MS, LPC-S, RPT-S, NCC

[email protected]

Helping Your Child See Their Worth in a World of...Goals of this Presentation •To identify pressures kids/teens face today •While also discussing ways to intervene and support

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