GWALIA GAZETTE Llareggub’s Favourite Newspaper World Book Night Special Edition 23rd April 2019 h NEW WORK FROM THE REVEREND ELI JENKINS! FINDS A RHYME AND DIPS HIS PEN IN HIS COCOA! TODAY’S HEADLINE NEWS After his nightly bible reading, Reverend Eli Jenkins sat in his poem-room, time- weeping, syrup on his merino frock-coat, and over cocoa penned this poem, which we dutifully report: I despair, dear Llareggub! You never heed my sermons: In chapel you dare to sit and glug whalejuice from jeroboams and gin from spittingcat kettles or teacaddies of wine. You store port in saucebottles and brew that rank moonshine. I listen to your hullabaloo as your whispers turn to babble. Oh! I miss the mildest morning moos of my dewdamp former rabble. Oh! You jolly, rodgered Sinbad crew, the Lord sees your weekending. Shame on your tu-wit-tu-woo and grog-blossomed spending. TORTOISESHELL GULLS STRIKE AGAIN Residents of the town were left dumbfounded after tortoiseshell gulls struck again. Shambling across the sand, hissing at anyone who approaches, the gang has a reputation to be avoided. At 5pm they left a webfoot trail towards the park, home to the sunhoneyed butterfly. These milky gentle creatures did not stand a chance; the scene was later described as “tea-coated in blackcurrant viscera”. Police Constable Rees has assured the Gwalia Gazette that the gulls will be caught and the law will be triumphant. VANISHED COUPLE The search goes on for Mr & Mrs Boskier, last seen after a party at the Cadenzas Friday night. Traces of arsenic, weedkiller and prussic acid were found by their pianola and fernpot. Neighbours reported hearing whimpers and murmurs of bednag late evening. DOT HYMNALS Friday last, that dusk-showered evening, saw strangeness and much occurring at the cobbled end of town. Such a fog-horning came tumbling through the moonless sky. Never had a-wailing like this come a-sailing in all our time of Llareggub. Investigation and insinuation took that it was the Sea-lawyer’s son. Him, grog-blossomed and fresh from the Reformatory, happened up behind a certain black-bandaged, Boyo. Alternations evoked past grouse and gripe and altercation ensued. That sloeblack night of the sight which had begun with such sweet hummings by Owen, progressed with stout through the hymnal singing and thus ended in a proper, dust-scrabbled, up-flying. It is the opinion of our local click-clack that it is the hula-hooping of cherry flavoured music that always undoes him like the East. QUARRY DRAINED Perturbation was felt as the quarry siren thunderbolt-bass’d on Tuesday. Sidespies spotted topsyturvy reflections in the sun-defying topography before skymning. Dawdlers watched as jellyfish-slippery, cockled, lake-eyed, fish-frail bodies draggletailed from the brackish water. TIDE TABLES Coastguard’s report: Two new shipshape boats bobbing on the fishingboatbobbing sea, Sea- Lawyer and Sea-Memory, forecast is tempest-torn, No Good Boyo spies landlubber covered with gulls and seaweed.
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GWALIA GAZETTELlareggub’s Favourite Newspaper World Book Night Special Edition 23rd April 2019
h
NEW WORK FROM THE REVEREND ELI JENKINS!FINDS A RHYME AND DIPS HIS PEN IN HIS COCOA!
TODAY’S HEADLINE NEWS
After his nightly bible reading, Reverend Eli Jenkins sat in his poem-room, time-weeping, syrup on his merino frock-coat, and over cocoa penned this poem, which we dutifully report:
I despair, dear Llareggub!You never heed my sermons:
In chapel you dare to sit and glugwhalejuice from jeroboams
and gin from spittingcat kettlesor teacaddies of wine.
You store port in saucebottlesand brew that rank moonshine.
I listen to your hullabaloo as your whispers turn to babble.
Oh! I miss the mildest morning moos of my dewdamp former rabble.
Oh! You jolly, rodgered Sinbad crew,the Lord sees your weekending.Shame on your tu-wit-tu-wooand grog-blossomed spending.
TORTOISESHELL GULLS STRIKE AGAIN
Residents of the town were left dumbfounded after tortoiseshell gulls struck again. Shambling across the sand, hissing at anyone who approaches, the gang has a reputation to be avoided.
At 5pm they left a webfoot trail towards the park, home to the sunhoneyed butterfly. These milky gentle creatures did not stand a chance; the scene was later described as “tea-coated in blackcurrant viscera”. Police Constable Rees has assured the Gwalia Gazette that the gulls will be caught and the law will be triumphant.
VANISHED COUPLEThe search goes on for Mr & Mrs Boskier, last seen after a party at the Cadenzas Friday night. Traces of arsenic, weedkiller and prussic acid were found by their pianola and fernpot. Neighbours reported hearing whimpers and murmurs of bednag late evening.
DOT HYMNALSFriday last, that dusk-showered evening, saw strangeness and much occurring at the cobbled end of town. Such a fog-horning came tumbling through the moonless sky. Never had a-wailing like this come a-sailing in all our time of Llareggub.
Investigation and insinuation took that it was the Sea-lawyer’s son. Him, grog-blossomed and fresh from the Reformatory, happened up behind a certain black-bandaged, Boyo. Alternations evoked past grouse and gripe and altercation ensued.
That sloeblack night of the sight which had begun with such sweet hummings by Owen, progressed with stout through the hymnal singing and thus ended in a proper, dust-scrabbled, up-flying. It is the opinion of our local click-clack that it is the hula-hooping of cherry flavoured music that always undoes him like the East.
QUARRY DRAINEDPerturbation was felt as the quarry siren thunderbolt-bass’d on Tuesday. Sidespies spotted topsyturvy reflections in the sun-defying topography before skymning. Dawdlers watched as jellyfish-slippery, cockled, lake-eyed, fish-frail bodies draggletailed from the brackish water.
TIDE TABLESCoastguard’s report: Two new shipshape boats bobbing on the fishingboatbobbing sea, Sea-Lawyer and Sea-Memory, forecast is tempest-torn, No Good Boyo spies landlubber covered with gulls and seaweed.
Curlew are now nesting near the shipwreck, and sparrows and jenny-wren were sighted today on the cockleshelled foreshore.
SPORTA spanking day was had by all at last week’s Llangadog horseracing meet. Results: First: Mother-of-the-World, Second: SeasawThird: Emerald Breeze (The favourite, Neddying Luvver, fell at the last fence)
Wrestling results: heavy-weight final between Bellying Boyo v Choker Conk. Boyo was soundly larruped with many heave-ho’s by the snouting Conk. In the bantam-weight Bird-ounced Billy was uncontested.
Coming-up: Whippets racing on Saturday, bring the family for a good night out!
IN MEMORIAMFor the one who took me on his knee,
O, my love, how do I miss thee.Whilst others run and roll, do as they do, My heart and thinking remain of you…
For W.W. From P.G.
FUNERAL MOURNERSThe pall-bearers were the Anthracite brothers, and the Black family; Bible, Bog, Crow and their youngest Sloe.
After the service, the mourners retired to the fug of the snug to discuss souls and smoke their pipes. The tear-splashed blush of the big-besomed had made them feel uneasy.
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The Rogue & PenBeargarden
OPENc
Special occasions welcomeGlee-parties
Under New ManagementNicotine Eggyellow Decor
SPIRITS 12 at a timeJerOboams of GROGBLOSSOM
WHALEJUICE & MOONSHINE.
Weekending specials
c
Established 1758
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WAL-DO!’S TOBACCONIST, SWEET-SHOP-KEEPER
& NEWSAGENTS
Brown-paper, stamps, rat-a-tat
Hand Rolling & Pipe Tobacco: Dogs Shout, Gabbing, Blue-bagged, Sheep Cough,
Shipwreck, Slubberdegullions
Locally produced Cherry Cowbreath Mints
Polly-put-the-kettle-on Café & Bistro
Breakfast (until 10am)Bubble and squeak with Goose-hiss eggs &
pigback baconButtermilk pancakes & Samson-syrup Treacle
Toast-fingers & plum jam
ElevensesUnlimited Biscuit Tin
Goosegog Lickerish-bog-black tea
Gabble & Gobble Special Lunch Deal £5Leek & Potato soup
Apple Pie & Spoon-stirred CustardSeaweed Dewlap Blossom Tea or
Dandelion-and-burdock
Bistro Dinners (from 6pm) 3 courses £16Smoked Herring Brown bread & Sardined Salt
Sunhoneyed Cherry tomatoes & Lettucen
Liver & OnionsDewgrazed Man-chop
Pibgorn, moss-slow bred lamb shankVegetarian Trout
All served with potatoes of the day, parsnip gin and watercress
nCherry & Custard Schooner
1 Market SquareReservations: 242455
Have you tried our Sunday Roasts?
EDDY THE FISHHerring, cockles, crabs’ legs, fish-
paste, tiddlers, tinned salmon, laverbread…
Open 7am-11am daily
EISTEDDFODAU CORNER
Wind-shaken Llareggub by D. T.
Unclosed night-teeth dreamsEmpties religious trousers
Mudpies intoLoudlipped kippers
Whacking ormoluOn dreams
Upflying neverdullDewglazed egg rose
Muffled ice-berg whiteLove-sick Kidwelly
Whalejuice over Owl-meat donkeyman
Experimental poetry by Bethesda Evans
Tiptoes betweenbegin
Sea streets iceberg-whiteGlimmers
Prinking night,Flossie cobbles Gossamer
Whistles whinnyseashelled Concertinas
Ocky hoots
CLASSIFIEDS - SERVICES
DAY NURSERYHush, dulcet snuggeries of wetnosed
summerbreathed babies nuzzle little apples and biscuits, napping bluebagged white and milkmild Merino, with soapflakes & gooseberries. Out of bed sleepy head, no playing barefoot mwchins.
CHIMBLEY SWEEP Ace of Spades Services
Jack Black, Cobbler & SweepBesoming and dust-defying
I’ll come and sweep your chimbleyAnd bring along my chimbley brush!
LONELY, LOVELY, LOOSELY HEARTS
HOTMAN’S LADY? Eve-hipped, sunhoneyed Miss with a very attractive goose-hiss seeks a wicked dreaming boy for lazy-loving, sloeblack, joy. No Dawdlers-by will be entertained. Apply ‘Ms. Ada N. Hotly’ to the Gazette Office.
PUFF-BOSOMED COCKLEWOMAN fortywinking in flannelette dreams of and would like to meet comehithering barnacle-breasted slubberdegullion catdoctor. REF C92
THO’ SAD & MANLY… I would rather cry than tell a lie about this gentleman, (I). One who is goat-bearded (dyed), loud-lipped also (I cannot deny), wishes to cast about with ones fly to bring ashore a cockle-woman, who is always wantoning, never shy. Apply ‘Nasty Old Ham’ to the Gazette Office.
BUTTONTOPS AND TROUSERS would like to make springheels with blowzy-breasted in greenleaved dingle as night darkens. REF H37
BUS CRUSH local mussel on the 222 Carmarthen to Pendine, Saturday last… Liked the look of your sexy wedges. Cream tea sometime? REF D85
Claerwen Emporium & Department Store - purveyors of:
Featherbed Bedspring Linendrapery
Hummock CurtainedPatchwork Shrouds
Gossamer StockingsGypsied Tingling Trinkets
Velvet Tea-gownsPretty print housecoats
Smock and turban
Springshine Sale on all Cut-GlassHotwaterbottled sale - 50% off
Special Offer - 5 yards of Bombazine £10
find us at 12 small street
The Gwalia Gazette is published weekly by WBN Press & Co Ltd. Letters, editorial complaints and corrections can be sent to the editor, L Parr.
Classifieds and adverts should be submitted to the marketing dept.
Staff reporting team: Vick Bain, Guy Begbie, Kate Bernstein, Csilla Biro, Julie Blankenship, Sarah Bodman, Nancy Campbell, Chrystal Cherniwchan, Andrew Dally, Jeremy Dixon (Hazard Press), Sara Elgerot, Su Fahy, Jil Fairclough, Stephen Fowler, Jan Fyfe, Hazel Grainger, Gen Harrison (typochondriacs), Hazel Ingrey, Rosemary Ingrey, Eva C Johansson, Elaine Knight, Mary Kritz, Pauline Lamont-Fisher, Jill Lauriston, Daniel Lehan, Tamar MacLellan, Barbara A Morton, Linda Parr, Sumi Perera, Karen Pierce, Bernd W Plake, Catherine Polley, Martin Polley, Alison Raybould, Andrea Robinson, Lynne Shaw, Gwen Simpson, Noriko Suzuki Bosco, Elisabeth Tonnard, Eran Tzelgov, Zelda Velika, Cathey Webb, Corinne Welch, Ulla West, Maria White, Roy Willingham, Philippa Wood.
Additional reporting: Angie Butler, Si Butler, Cath Fairgreave, Simon Smith.
GOODBYE GREY, HELLO HENNA UNISEX HAIRDRESSERS
& BEAUTY SALON
Doffed - dry cut £10Gold-maned - with highlights £30Clippered - £8 (OAPs £5)Brilliantined - £3Beauteous - set £12Sloeblack - permanent £35Mudbask - full facial £15Winter-to-be aftershave finish £3Starfall perfume finish £4
Trainee Tuesdays - Cut, blow dry and sets - All half price.
ANSWERS TO LAST WEEK’S QUIZ1. Linoleum, 2. Bleed, 3. Tumulus, 4. Sill, 5. Nannygoats, 6. Seesawing, 7. Pokerbacked nutcracker, 8. Bandaged, 9. Bosom. The winner is O. Morgan, Laugharne.
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