Guilfordianvol100issue17rightsideup

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Men’s soccer team busted for prostitution ringBY JAMES SHARPEInvestIgatIve JournalIst

INSIDE THIS ISSUE

Soon to be former president Kent Chabotar comes clean.From abysmally low faculty salaries to a condescending tone when addressing students, Kent apologizes for it all.

Kent's Apology LetterPAGE 7

the GoofordianG u i l f o r d C o l l e g e | w w w . g u i l f o r d i a n . c o m | G r e e n s b o r o , N C

V o l u m e 1 0 0 , I s s u e 1 7 | M a r c h 2 8 , 2 0 1 4

TIDES TURN IN CLUB WAR

Two clubs enter. One club leaves. The Underwater Basketweaving Club, soon to

celebrate its two-year anniversary, was built to be a community of peaceful, marine hobbyists. To date,

the group has created hundreds of waterproof baskets and donated over $5,000 to local charities.

The Yachting Club, on the other hand, has been around since the dawn of the college itself. They are now in control of over 200 yachts, 73 warships, 26 submarines and one sailboat. The Yachting Club is known for its annual charity banquet, during which they donate yachts to children in need.

That is, until recently.“For the last few years, the weavers and the

yachters have shared the lake,” said Underwater Basketweaving Head Weaver and senior Julia Nickels. “But everything changed when the Yachting Club attacked.”

BY JUSTYN MELROSEapocalyptIc coordInator

NEWS

See Lake Battle | Page 5

Yachting and Underwater Basket Weaving clubs fight over landmark lagoon

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An atmosphere of secrecy has been exposed. Tensions have erupted. The happenings behind closed doors have taken their toll.

Administrators at Guilford College are now waging a campaign to elicit more student transparency on campus.

“I think that what the students are doing is extremely cloak and dagger,” said Visiting Assistant Professor of Political Science Robert Duncan. “And that is saying something, I was in the CIA.”

The clandestine operations of the student body have, until recently, been a touchy topic. But, several administrators have spearheaded a movement to change current circumstances.

“We want to revolutionize the student-administrator relationship,” said Chief Planning and Senior Management Officer Jeff Favolise. “It seems as if (student) power has gone unchecked for far too long.”

Topping the list of complaints is the scant administrative input in student affairs.

“We are very open with the students in our dealings,” said Executive Associate to the President and Assistant Secretary to the Board of Trustees Joyce Eaton. “We just don’t see the same level of generosity on their part.”

One venue where administrators and students can come together is at Community Senate meetings. Some, however, think such gatherings are not conducive to transparency.

“Community Senate meetings are a sham,” said Vice President for Student Affairs and Dean of Students Aaron Fetrow. “Administrators may be invited, but that doesn’t mean much. It’s just for show. It’s a conspiracy. Students hold the real meetings in secret, behind closed doors.”

The student body has long been rumored to only pretend to incorporate administrators in their decision making processes.

“In reality, the Community Senate doesn’t exist,” said junior Gabriel Mirabelli. “Students have a separate, independent organization. That’s where the real work is done.”

This ulterior organization meets without any external input, utilizing on-campus locations such as the Greenleaf and off-campus sites like Carolina’s Diner. The latest closed meeting was on March 13 in the Guilford Woods, fueling administrative ire and protest.

“I was unaware that administrators were unhappy until recently,” said senior Samir Hazboun, president of the Community Senate and the undisclosed organization. “We value their input. If they feel underrepresented, I recommend they pursue the matter via the appropriate channels.”

One of the many decisions announced at the meeting was the go-ahead for an on-campus construction project. The venture sponsors building permanent facilities for the unspecified student government organization.

Another announcement at the meeting revealed plans for a classified student body presidential search.

“It’s outrageous,” said Vice President for Finance Greg Bursavich. “Students are spending all this money without any discussion. That’s not democracy. That’s not the Quaker spirit. That’s not the Guilford way. Think about what that money could be used for — like teacher pay or better campus infrastructure.”

Preliminary cost estimates of the project have been withheld, as have the names of potential student body presidential candidates and the date for the next unnamed student government meeting.

The issues dividing students and administrators will likely continue to strain their relationship.

“The status quo has certainly not worked well,” said Favolise. “For things to change, I think students must address the administration on our level.”

Plans are tentatively in the works to hold a town hall style meeting to improve student-administrator relations and allow for administrators to meet the faceless entity that is the “student body.”

BY IAN PENNYTall, Skinny DuDe

this week’s developments

contact usWe need to hear your thoughts. Have questions? Comments? Recipes for mediocre casseroles?

Email: [email protected] visit

subparfood.wordpress.com

Compiled by Kevin Gnapoor, Math Enthusiast/Bad-Ass M.C.

We heard from guest speaker Rebecca Gibian ‘12 who gave a presentation on the mythical experience of finding work after graduating with a liberal arts degree.

next week’s plansNext week Senate will move forward with the proposal to force Aaron Fetrow and former football captain Faris El-Ali to wear speedos and wrestle twenty geese. Proceeds from the charity event will go to paying for Kent’s third Lexus.

SENATE UPDATE

NEWS (PROBABLY)2 WWW.GUILFORDIAN.COM

Student concealment of agenda irks college administration

ATTENTioN sTudENTs

Think you know better than the current administration?

THEN APPLY TO BE Supreme Leader OF

GUILFORD TODAY

Applications can be picked up from Max Carter & are due April 4

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What weighs 90 pounds, has an A in calculus and sells crystal meth?

Apparently, the answer is your average Early College kid.

On March 4, the Greensboro Police Department confirmed that the Early College program was created as a front for a methamphetamine ring, a collaborative effort by students, teachers and parents.

As of now, no arrests have been made. When asked why not, the policeman on the case mumbled something about SAT scores.

The elaborate system of cooking, dealing and, in some cases, using crystal meth was discovered by junior Crystal Glass. She walked past the Early College buildings and saw students dressed in protective gear and using chemistry equipment.

“This is not the kind of extracurricular that’s going to get

them all into Harvard,” said Glass. Public Safety Officer John Crank

stated that there is no need to panic yet. Every precaution is being taken to ensure the safety of the Guilford community.

“Just don’t buy anything from the bake sale,” said Crank. “Their ‘special brownies’ are on a whole new level.”

The staff is up in arms about this development.

“We’ve always had to deal with the traditional students tripping balls, but the Early College?” said Max Carter, director of the Friends Center. “They’re supposed to be the innocent ones.”

The administration has denied knowledge of the drug ring.

“I don’t know where you would have heard that,” said Early College Principal Bobby Hayes. “This isn’t ‘Breaking Bad.’”

When asked if she owned a hazmat suit or a gas mask, she ended the interview.

Early College parents came forward with their confessions

immediately. However, the investigators could not tell if they were being serious or passive-aggressive.

According to one parent, who asked to remain anonymous, there is an organized system of distributors that coincides with carpooling.

“If you can’t fit three kids, a soccer bag and 25 pounds of meth in your car, you’re just not PTA material,” said the parent.

Some of the Early College students questioned were more cooperative than others. While most denied the claims, others made minimal effort to cover up their enterprise. Several revealed more than expected.

“I’m not saying I do meth, but how am I expected to take five AP classes, keep a stellar GPA and prepare for college without a little boost?” said Early College sophomore Anny Shard. “What’s the harm in a little extra credit chemistry project?”

Due to the lack of solid evidence,

the details remain unclear, but some traditional students had seen the drug bust coming.

“Yeah, I mean, I heard them talking about ‘ice,’” said junior Criss White. “If they’re not cooking crystal, I’d like an explanation for that.”

When asked if they could have

been referring to the snow days, he had no comment.

Other students were alarmed by this revelation.

“It’s just so shocking,” said sophomore Tina Speed. “They were really fooling us with those lunchboxes. Now I’m starting to wonder what they have in there.”

Angry students march on Guilford College’s usually peaceful green lawns.

It is official: the new president has been chosen. Kent Chabotar will replace Kent Chabotar as Guilford’s new

president.“Surprise!” said Chabotar. “I wasn’t a candidate, but when

you think about it, there really was no doubt about it. I was surprised it took the search committee this long.”

On March 24 in Dana Auditorium, students, faculty and staff gathered for a ceremony to honor Chabotar and celebrate his re-selection.

After the ceremony, members of the board of trustees and the presidential search committee were shocked to find a massive crowd of angry students protesting.

Some students held signs with “WTF?” painted in red.Carole Bruce, trustee and chair of the presidential search

committee, attempted to answer the question. “Of all the candidates, Kent had the best qualifications for the

job,” said Bruce. “His many years of presidential experience at a small, Quaker liberal arts college much like our own — well, actually, exactly like our own — made him a viable option. He knows just what to expect.”

But what happened to Chabotar’s retirement? “After 12 years at Guilford, I felt like I needed a break — a

long one,” said Chabotar. “I wanted more time to spend on my favorite pastimes, like skydiving and ballet.

“However, when the search committee chose me, I couldn’t say no. I feel it’s my duty to stay for as long as Guilford needs me to.”

After the search committee spent many months searching for the perfect president, the news of Chabotar’s re-selection was suspicious to many.

“It’s strange that they picked Kent again, don’t you think?” said junior Kelly Bryan. “I mean, why even bother with a presidential search? He was already sitting there in the office.”

Jerry Joplin, professor of Justice & Policy Studies, also felt disconcerted with the election’s results.

“It’s fair time for new blood at Guilford,” said Joplin. “Kent has been here for 12 years, but I guess we’ll have to put up with him for another decade or so.”

At the ceremony, Chabotar spoke about his plans for Guilford’s future.

“Well, things will pretty much be the same,” said Chabotar. “Though, I think the campus could really do with another fountain or two.”

Although a few have accepted Chabotar as president, many resiliently stand against the selection. Some even deny its legitimacy.

“This can’t be real,” said senior Jack Greene. “Is this even legal? He wasn’t even a candidate. Is this like an April Fools’ joke or something?”

Unfortunately for some, it is all too real. Guilford has seen an escalation of student protests lately

with the protest against administrative bloat on Feb. 22 outside of the board of trustees meeting.

Now with this shocking news, chaos, confusion and outrage ring across campus more than ever.

Some fear the protests may turn violent. “It’s happened before on other college campuses,” said Max

Carter, director of the Friends Center. “The last thing I would want is for peaceful demonstration to turn vicious and violent.”

BY OLIVIA NEALStaff Writer

BY VALERIA SOSAStaff Writer

NEWS3March 28, 2014

Early College students busted for mass organized dealing of methamphetamine

Chabotar chosen for next president, replaces himself

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“Of all of the candidates, Kent had the best qualifications for the job. His many years of presidential experience at a small, Quaker liberal arts college much like our own — well, actually, exactly like our own — made him a viable option. He knows just what to expect.”

Carol Bruce, trustee & chair of the presidential search committee

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New threat to America is ... Djibouti? Every so often, a nation and its people rise above the rest to claim the status of gods,

dictating all major events in the relevant world. The U.S. has comfortably held this title on its own for the past 30 years.

Every so often, a nation and its people wrestle that throne away from these gods, cementing their own place as the kings of the world.

Enter Djibouti.“(Djibouti) is starting to look really scary on paper,” said Assistant Professor of

Economics Natalya Shelkova. “It is one of the most economically advanced countries in the world at the moment and is only going to get bigger.”

Djibouti has seen a sudden surge in the international markets due to the relocation of many American and Chinese factories to Djibouti.

Kraft Foods Group is one of many such companies to relocate.“When people see the ‘made in Djibouti’ label, they turn their heads,” said Kraft

CEO Tony Vernon in an interview with The Guilfordian. “Our products stand out to consumers, and that gives them an edge over other products made in the U.S. or China.”

Junior Diji Tobu recalls noticing the change. “I used to drink Juicy Juice exclusively, but I saw a pack of Kraft’s Kool-Aid and

thought it was the most unusual thing for something to be made in Djibouti,” Tobu said.

“I ended up buying the Kool-Aid, and now I only get Kool-Aid,” he added. “It feels really awesome to be drinking juice from such a funny word.”

Djiboutian President Ismail Omar Guelleh looks to expand militarily into the neighboring countries of Ethiopia, Eritrea and Somalia in order to accommodate the increasing demand for Djiboutian land.

“We expect about 300 to 400 troops to take care of Ethiopia and another 300 to 400 to sweep through Eritrea,” said Guelleh in an interview with The Guilfordian. “Somalia is the only country we expect any trouble with, but 744 troops ought to take care of them.”

When asked how he would deal with the United Nations’ inevitable response to the aggression, the president seemed fairly confident that Djibouti would come out on top.

“Just don’t tell them,” said Guelleh.Djibouti has sights set on taking down other world powers.“I have it on very good authority that we are about to launch a top secret massive

attack on the U.S.,” said senior and Djibouti native Tijo Budi. “You Americans will never see it coming.

“We won’t stop there either,” said Budi. “I have it on very good authority that we are planning to invade China, Western Europe, Russia and Japan as well.”

As the supremacy of Western powers come to an end, the Horn of Africa looks to usher in a new era — an era wherein Djibouti reigns supreme.

BY ROBERT PACHECOTeam CapTain

BY ADITYA GARGHead of pr for presidenT CHainz

NOT GUILFORD4 WWW.GUILFORDIAN.COM

Political and social unrest. Civil strife. On the brink of all-out war.

Enter 2 Chainz?Following Ukrainian President Viktor

Yanukovych’s removal from power, former rapper turned social activist 2 Chainz (formally known as Tauheed Epps) has been appointed interim president of Ukraine.

It is not your everyday situation in Ukraine, but that is no challenge for 2 Chainz, who boldly proclaimed, “I’m different, yeah, I’m different,” in an interview with The Guilfordian.

“It’s a different day, different escapade,” he said.

Although the rise of 2 Chainz represents a move away from traditional methods of presidential selection, 2 Chainz has made clear his intent to unify the nation.

“You know, man, these people, man ... a lot of ‘em, a lot of ‘em going nowhere fast man,” he said. “I call dat ‘treadmillin’ — you feel me? They at a standstill man.”

Among his top priorities are bringing a new culture and identity to Ukraine, modernizing its fashion industry and putting a renewed focus on athletics — particularly basketball.

Initially reluctant, the Ukrainian people are beginning to welcome the change.

“It is a breath of fresh air,” said Ukrainian college student Anton Boyko in an interview with The Guilfordian. “As he was riding around my side of town, I saw a man confident and with the ability to lead this nation. He inspires us.”

In a press release from the White House, both President Barack Obama and Secretary of State John Kerry congratulated President 2 Chainz and expressed optimism in his ability to lead the nation and halt Russia’s advance into Crimea.

“Can you feel the momentum shifting?” Obama asked in an interview with The

Guilfordian. “2 Chainz has been riding around and he’s getting it — he understands the sentiments of the Ukrainian people.”

When invited to address concerns regarding 2 Chainz’s prior political experience, Obama declined to comment. Others, however, have raised questions and doubt regarding the interim president’s ability to perform in this position.

“2 Chainz might bring more attention and excitement to Ukraine, but he simply does not have the ability, intellect or experience to rule Ukraine,” said Earl Conyers, a former friend of 2 Chainz. “He is an entertainer, not a bureaucrat.”

Larry Brooks, an analyst at the Brookings Institution, expressed similar sentiments.

“Two golden chains and a pair of baggy jeans and shoes can’t run a country,” said Brooks to The Guilfordian. “If they wanted a celebrity in charge, at least they could have asked somebody who has some experience with leadership.”

Evidence suggests that there is more than a grain of truth to these scathing attacks on 2 Chainz. Moody’s Rating Agency and Standard & Poor’s have both downgraded Ukraine upon hearing the news of 2 Chainz’s appointment.

Christine Lagarde, managing director of the International Monetary Fund, was hesitant to comment on Ukraine’s future condition.

“2 Chainz may count money all night, but I don’t know about counting everything in Ukraine’s treasury,” said Lagarde to The Guilfordian.

Such criticisms have weighed heavily against 2 Chainz, who began his 175-year term as president on Monday, March 3. He has already received more death threats than his predecessor, Yanukovych, did during the duration of his term.

2 Chainz’s only response: “I do this for the people — if I die, bury me inside that Louis store.”

New Ukrainian President 2 Chainz shines like trophy

BY SUKYUN CHUNGresidenT Travel WriTer

Djibouti muscles way to spotlightKanye West tweet or ‘Overheard at Guilford’ Facebook post?

1.“I hate when people email you and ask ‘You wanna know something?’” Of course, but why are u torturing me by spreading this to more than 1 email.”

6. “I love everybody … only thing I don’t like is taxes … me and taxes gone fight.”

10. “I hate when I’m on a flight and I wake up with a water bottle next 2 me like oh great now I gotta be responsible for this water bottle.”

4.“If I was a shorty, I would love it if my parents went to PHUKET for vacay so I could keep pronouncing it wrong on purpose in front of them.”

8. “We need scientists and top world designers to directly affect governments.”

2. “Those waffles taste like porn stores.”

9. “In Germany you’re gonna eat pretzels the size of thigh-masters.”

3. “I’m sick of Ghosts. ‘Ooo I’m scary.’ Prove it then.”

7. “Hark, the herald angels sing, shop at Jared’s and buy some bling.”

5. “Of course the quiz question is not in the book.”

1. Kanye, 2. Fhalyshia Orians, 3. Lyes Benarbane, 4. K-West, 5.Chafic Bou-Saba, 6. North West Sr., 7. Max Carter, 8. Mr. Kardashian, 9. Mylène Dressler, 10. Yeezus

CAN YOU GUESS ‘EM ALL?

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BY JAKE DELAHANTYStaff Writer

PROPHECIES5March 28, 2014

Senior James Pumpernickel has big plans: change the world.

As an Environmental Studies and Peace and Conflict Studies double major at Guilford College, Pumpernickel thinks the world is messed up.

“The world is just so crazy right now,” said Pumpernickel. “I feel like no one else realizes just how screwed up the environment and our government are.”

Pumpernickel, however, has a plan; he’s going to change the world and make it better.

“I really think I can make a difference,” said Pumpernickel. “I’m already doing a lot of things in the community right now.”

Indeed, Pumpernickel spends his Saturday nights playing his acoustic guitar outside the Greenleaf singing about the woes of the world. In addition, Pumpernickel peacefully protests for the legalization of marijuana down at Starbucks on West Friendly Avenue.

“Every week, this guy comes down here,” said Starbucks manager Jim Bean. “He’s really changed my mind about marijuana, so I think it’s just

a matter of time before it gets legalized. Thanks to him, of course.”

In addition, Pumpernickel is also serious about helping the environment and saving energy.

“I shower about once a month, have substituted brushing my teeth with Tic-Tacs, and travel everywhere I need to go on my longboard made out of tree bark,” said Pumpernickel. “Yeah, people complain about the smell from time to time, but it’s totally worth it.”

James Pumpernickel is a great student too.

“In class, our studies sometimes involve discussing the government and the role it plays in causing conflict,” said Assistant Professor and Chair of Peace and Conflict Studies Amal Khoury. “You can always count on James to try his best and never get discouraged by his grades.”

“James has a real passion for the environment,” said Professor of Geology and Earth Sciences Professor Marlene McCauley. “He gets very upset whenever we discuss degradation of the environment and the harm humans have done to it.”

Pumpernickel also discussed

his plans after graduation.“Huh, I’m not really sure

honestly,” said Pumpernickel. “I think I’m going to get a job at some point, and then maybe move to Canada. The government here is corrupt so I don’t want to live here anymore.”

Having already renounced his United States citizenship, Pumpernickel is working to save up money to get to Canada.

“I really think it’s up to me to make a difference, no matter where I am,” said Pumpernickel. “I guess no one else has thought about these things before.”

While many may not believe in him, one woman backs him up every step of the way: his mother.

“I’m so happy with James,” said Mrs. Pumpernickel. “Despite his daily phone calls, or ‘sob sessions’ as I call them, he is such a strong individual. I know he’ll make me proud someday.”

In a world plagued by injustice, one hero stands above the rest, ready to start change, one complaint at a time.

“The time for change has come,” said Pumpernickel. “With my guitar by my side and weed in my back pocket, I’m ready to face the world.”

Local GuilCo Hero Pumpernickel peacefully protests for world peace

On Feb. 14, Yachting Club Captain and junior Chris Leighton ordered their armada to strike the Weavers during their Valentine’s Day Weave-a-Thon.

When the club began, the Yachters permitted the Weavers usage of one-tenth of the lake. Two weeks prior to the attack, the Weavers requested to divide the lake evenly, a 50-50 split. The Yachters formally declined. Nevertheless, on the date of the Weave-a-Thon, the Weavers moved in.

“The Yachting Club is for Guilford’s elite,” said Leighton. “We are not going to be pushed aside by a bunch of scuba-diving algae huggers.”

With five ships sunk and nearly 200 baskets destroyed during the Battle of the Weave-a-Thon, this feud forced the College to close the lake, but that did not stop the war.

The Yachters bought off President Kent Chabotar and were permitted reentry. With this news, the Guilford Society of Friends backed the Weavers.

“A friend of the community is a friend to us,” said Director of the Friends Center Max Carter. “When we heard that the Weavers were kicked out of the lake, we could not sit idly by. We threatened that if the administration did not let them back in, Friends Center would declare war.

“They thought we were bluffing.”On March 11, the Friends Center revealed the trebuchet

they had developed in the woods and launched it at the Yachting armada.

“We lost a lot of good boats that day,” said Leighton. “The Friends’ assault was devastating, but we had a secret weapon.”

As the Weavers calculated their next move with their new Friends with benefits, the Yachters were christening “Cannondorf,” their largest and most powerful warship.

On March 20, while many students were away on break, the Yachters sailed in and launched missiles at the subaquatic Fort Weaver. Every basket was destroyed.

“We had been preparing for this,” said Associate Professor of Physics Don Smith. “We knew this day would come. When we built the telescope atop the Frank Science Learning Center, we outfitted it with rocket launchers.

“We had no ties to the Weavers, but the Yachters had been stealing funding from the physics department for years. Revenge was finally in reach.”

On March 22, Smith along with several physics students loaded the Cline Observatory and rained fire upon Cannondorf and the rest of the Yachters’ armada.

At last, the war was over.

“We will be meeting for a peaceful negotiation,” said Nickels. “Both clubs plan to abandon the lake, but in war, there are no winners. Out of the ruins, we will need to rebuild our communities.”

So, if you’re looking for a club that is working towards a new beginning, consider the Yachting and Underwater Basket Weaving clubs. Together, they will usher in a new era of peace, movie nights and board games.

In memoriam of the boats and baskets lost.

Yachting Club versus Weavers: a campus divided #teampeace

LAKE BATTLE

Continued from Page 1

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Recently triple-tenured Assistant Professor of English Mylène Dressler captivates her students with her genuine enthusiasm for literature and her seemingly boundless energy.

However, her liveliness and beauty now have an explanation.

Dressler recently announced to numerous classes that she is, in fact, an immortal being — specifically, a fairy.

“My bounciness is not necessarily from my career as a dancer, and my immaculate skin is not just the result of good genes or wearing sunscreen,” Dressler said, waxing back her butterfly wings. “I’m actually a wood nymph.”

According to her memory, Dressler came into being near Mycenae, in what is now modern Greece.

“My mother is Titania, Queen of the Fairies,” said Dressler. “My dad, a satyr, ran out on us soon after I was born, and I’ve never met him. But, I grew very close to Mom.

“She’s said my father was Pan, but I think she just told me that to make me feel better.”

During her time in ancient

Greece, Dressler discovered her love for language. She helped transcribe both “The Iliad” and “The Odyssey” for the blind Homer and also gave constructive criticism to Sappho for her poetry.

Over the millennia, Dressler had been known by many names — among them Gloriana, Tanaquill, Galadriel and Maybelline — but she apparently came into prominence thanks to Edmund Spenser’s epic poem, “The Faerie-Queen,” when she was characterized as Belphoebe.

“My adolescence was a crazy time,” Dressler laughed. “I fell in love with King Arthur’s squire, a mortal named Timias.”

Sadly, the romance did not last.“He was gone all the time, off

with his boss to find the Holy Grail or some other nonsense,” said Dressler.

“Oh yes, and then he died.”While she relished the fame and

recognition Spenser’s poem brought her, Dressler decided to shrink back from the limelight.

“I got mobbed in public, and letters poured in constantly,” Dressler said. “And when you’re dealing with people who barely comprehend the English language, it becomes pretty tedious.”

It wasn’t just fan mail which

poured in, though. Dressler also got hate mail from the Church and its most pious supporters.

“For so long, I kept my identity secret because fairies have often been considered malicious or demonic figures,” said Dressler.

In her self-imposed exile, Dressler kept up with her devotion to language and writing.

“I try to be modest, but I’ve got to admit: over the couple thousand years I’ve been alive, I’ve written at least three hundred novels and I don’t know how many thousands of poems and short stories,” Dressler admitted.

“Honestly, I’ve probably lost more writing than I’ve written.”

In recent years, since people have become less wary of the supernatural, Dressler feels more comfortable with her identity.

“I felt the need to be honest to my students and colleagues,” Dressler said. “I could maintain that a fitness regimen keeps me energized or a certain lotion or creme makes me look so radiant, but I’m sick of the lie.

“I’m sorry, but I was born this awesome.”

The interview finished in her mind, Dressler flitted away on her fairy wings.

Tired of leaving campus to fill up your fine automobile with gas? Well, have no fear. The Pines is here.

That’s right. The notoriously environmentally friendly sustainable living theme house has had a change of heart. After reaching an agreement with British Petroleum, The Pines will now be a theme house/on-campus gas station.

But the change does not stop there. Pines resident and sophomore Lily Collins believes that the gas station is just the tip of the iceberg.

“After our meeting with BP, we feel that

there are endless opportunities for the future of The Pines,” said Collins.

So, what else should we expect to see? Pines resident Marek Wojtala said that The Pines will start utilizing on-campus resources.

“We hope, within the next couple of months, we can begin off-shore drilling in the Guilford College Pond and do some fracking in the Meadows, maybe even some clear-cutting of the Guilford Woods,” said Wojtala.

When asked why The Pines decided on such drastic change, Collins said that the idea was simple.

“We came together in a house meeting a few weeks back and decided that all this

environmentally friendly and sustainable living stuff was gibberish and just a passing fad,” said Collins. “We want to make bank.”

How could this impact Guilford? Could it end in tragic oil spill that wipes out the Guilford goose population? Could all the clear-cutting clear out the beloved squirrel population? Or will this make life easier for all students? Sophomore Adam Ferguson believes it could benefit the campus in a lot of ways.

“I don’t have a car so I don’t care about gas, but if they sell Marlboro Reds and Miller High Life 40s, I’m down,” said Ferguson.

Junior Trent Evans, however, believes this gas station could ruin the campus.

“I live in Cobb House, so I will be right next to this pile of s--t,” said Evans. “I don’t want some gas station bringing down my property value and increasing crime rates.”

The gas station will be built by the end of the semester and will be fully operational by summer — just in time for students to enjoy their favorite beverage, Pabst Blue Ribbon, which will be available on tap. The name of the station will be “Inner Light Gas and Beverages.”

Collins believes this is the start of a new era for Guilford.

“It’s about time we got back to our traditional American values of entrepreneurship,” said Collins. “Go oil and go America!”

BY MICHAEL CASWELLBirdman, Esq.

BY ANTHONY HARRISONstaff drunkard

PROPHECIES6 www.guilfordian.com

Pines back to American values, support oil & landfills

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THE ONLY RIGHT OPINION7March 28, 2014

Crushing news came this morning. The smoke that had been mysteriously pouring out of Founders Basilica had changed from black to white. That was when the campus fell silent.

In a surprise announcement, President Kent Chabotar, through the smoke and fog, came out over the balcony outside of Founders.

Re-elected to an unprecedented second term, he would now be former future former College President Kent Chabotar.

While the courtyard was mainly empty, there was one disgruntled student outside of Founders with signs, one saying “Give up Kent for Lent.”

“I mean, you know that he picked out his own presidential council, right?” said

the anonymous student. “Like, we know this; he didn’t even try to hide it from anybody.”

This rumor was backed up by another high-ranking Guilford member who refused to give a name.

“Those allegations are just preposterous,” Chabotar shouted angrily at the gathered reporters from around North Carolina.

He is certainly not creating very much hope for the future of Guilford.

This announcement of re-election has been abysmal to his approval ratings. In a random poll among students, Chabotar’s approval rating went down to nearly four percent now approving, two percent not approving, and 94 percent unaware of the fact that Guilford College had a president.

Chabotar has already started off his re-election with unsavory actions like killing off Nathan the Quaker Man and funding a new water feature in his name and honor, and he makes no measures to change the direction he is sending the college.

As a Guilfordian, I can only pray this is not indicative of the rest of his new term.

The students of Guilford spoke, and the board of trustees finally listened.

“We need a new voice on our board,” one member of the board said. “Someone who will capture the essence of a Guilford student and represent the minds of our youth.”

Johnny Nottacop, a CCE sophomore and recent transfer student from Ohio, said he is more than open to hearing everything Guilford

students have to say. As the newest addition to the board of trustees and the first-ever student member, he will undoubtedly do an incredible job at reaching out to the students.

“What’s going on at Guilford?” he asked at a recent Commnity Senate meeting, looking around expectantly. “What’s the haps? What are us kids talking about, huh?”

His curiosity and open-minded style will do wonders for the board of trustees who have recently come under fire for seeming distant and out-of-touch at the recent town hall meeting. Distance is not an issue for Nottacop, whose close-talking will literally force the board of trustees to look into the eyes of a true Guilford student.

“I just want to be one of you,” Nottacop said. “I’m a student like the rest of you. You can trust me.”

Trust we can. Nottacop has stunning credentials from his previous school, College University, where he was the president of

the Honors Club and a straight-A student.

“But I’m not a square,” Nottacop said. “I’m just like you. I’m cool. I like to party.”

On the weekends, Nottacop said he always makes fun for himself.

“I love nothing more than curling up with a cup of hot tea and a Malcolm Gladwell book — uh, I mean, I love nothing more than just chilling out, you know, having fun and stuff. College things.”

The board of trustees is incredibly pleased with the decision, as they should be. Finally, they have proven how well they understand the experience of a Guilford student.

“Johnny is such a youthful, young guy, and we all think he is the ideal Guilford student,” said board of trustees Chair Joseph M. Bryan Jr. ‘60. “His constant references to youth culture and social media make us think he is just what we need to reach out to these kids here at Guilford.”

Still, student opinion on Nottacop seems to be mixed.

One anonymous student wearing hemp cargo pants and a dashiki said Nottacop “seemed suspicious,” while another student said he was “really friendly, but like, maybe too friendly?”

Student opinion aside, Nottacop is the best choice to represent the student body and will properly communicate the needs of a real student to the board.

“We get it,” Bryan said. “We know what college kids are like these days. We are not out of touch — just look at Johnny, he is without a doubt an excellent representation of a college student. We are very much in-touch with the youth.”

Concern arises over re-election

The entirety of Guilford College campus was on edge this morning. The presidential candidate was about to be announced. Most of the student and faculty had gathered outside of Founders.

“It’s been really stressful, you know?” said one student, claiming to be the head of a Kent Chabotar fan club. “We’ll never have another president like Kent.” A solemn tear dripped down the student’s face.

As the smoke pouring out of the Founders Gallery changed from black to white, parts of the crowd cheered while others wept. I, for one, was with the weepers — weeping tears of joy.

Banners rolled down over Founders Gallery’s front windows, with pictures of the Right Honorable President Kent Chabotar.

“Well, as you know, being the president of a college is hard work,” said Chabotar in an interview after the celebrating masses had parted.

Max Carter, pope of the Quaker faith, stood beside me, weeping softly.

“It’s really quite great,” said Carter, urging me to ignore the men behind him dressed in black suits. “Chabotar and I have been such great friends.

“What’s even better is that there will be so much money for the political science department.”

Chabotar’s first move was to remove Nathan the Quaker man, a long-outdated mascot, in favor of a more up-to-date icon: the Squirrel.

I agree wholeheartedly with this move. Apparently, so does the rest of the campus, with Chabotar’s approval rating skyrocketing to over 4 percent.

This is the highest his approval rating has been since last year’s publicity stunt to enroll as a student.

“That short month as a student gave me a new sense of energy,” Chabotar said. “I am back with new ideas, and we’re gonna make this the best campus ever.”

From all of us here at The Guilfordian, welcome back, Kent!

My dearest Guilford,As you already know, this academic year will be my last with Guilford College. I’ve had some time to

reflect, and before I depart, I wanted to write an open letter to the community to apologize for some of the decisions I have made during my time at Guilford.

First off, I’d like to apologize to the faculty and staff of Guilford. I had no right to ask you to work for so little while I earned an obscene amount of money and enjoyed my school-provided Lexus.

Furthermore, it was an insult to the intelligence of the workers of this school to try and come off as a president who prioritized faculty and staff salaries after years and years of neglecting salary raises. To try in my final year to “advocate” for greater faculty compensation was a painfully transparent ploy to come off as a president for whom salary equity was a priority.

Let’s be real. I was president for over a decade, not one year. I’m responsible for the good and bad that happened during that time, and for salaries to fall so far is absolutely a reflection of my priorities.

I’m also deeply sorry for pulling strings to build myself a new office in the Political Science department. I understand that, as a symbolic gesture, it is a slap in the face to the faculty of Guilford who have been told that there isn’t enough money to support their livelihoods.

But come on — I’ve worked way harder than everyone else at this school. At the very least, I’m 3.7 times more valuable than the average full professor at Guilford, hence my salary being 3.7 times higher than theirs. As such, I don’t think it’s unreasonable to have a nice office to come back to after my sabbatical.

Some might say that the fact that I’ll soon be teaching half the course load means that I should have half the office size or a reduced salary, but I’ll just start talking about capital expenditures, depreciation costs and some other budgetary mumbo-jumbo until you leave me alone.

I’d also like to apologize for making jokes about hookers being in the attic of my house. In no way is it acceptable for the leader of a prestigious academic institution to make offensive remarks condoning violence against women.

When I approved the APSA decision to not pay our staff members who lead the Understanding Racism workshops, I made a grave mistake. I should have recognized the value of the tremendously important and healing work of the Multicultural Education Department and found a way to pay them for the occasional weekend’s work. On the other hand, I really didn’t want to switch back to “regular” gasoline — that’s for the plebeians.

If I had attended one of the workshops, I would understand that all institutions within a country founded on white supremacy should critically examine how they function in order to work against the insidious nature of racism. My failure to do more than pay lip service to the Diversity Plan reinforces the cycle of progressive institutions making lofty claims to make themselves look good with no intention of following through.

Finally, I apologize for my neglectful and dismissive attitude toward student concerns. My consistently snarky and condescending tone when addressing the student body is simply unacceptable. Even though I underpay your professors, I know you are all competent students with thoughtful critiques of the way your educational institution functions. At some point, I forgot that it takes 12 full sticker-price students to pay my annual salary.

However, I adamantly refuse to apologize to The Guilfordian. They have slandered me time and time again, and while I am supposed to act my age, I can’t help but make snide comments whenever I get the chance. Then again, it’s just a school newspaper run by a bunch of 18-year-olds with no accountability or sense of personal responsibility — why should a thick-skinned adult let children get the better of him?

BY ANONYMOUSChabby’s No. 1 FaN

BY CONNOR WILSONstaFF GiNGer

Letter to the Editor: My bad!

BY NELLIE VINOGRADDoGe expert

BY KENT CHABOTAR2 ChaiNz FaN

New student trustee, Nottacop

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Yay! Chabby’s back, round two!

Over the past few weeks, students tried to figure out the root cause of the infamous athlete and non-athlete divide.

The conclusion: drugs. The Wednesday before Spring Break, Community Senate

held an open forum to discuss the apparent divide. Administrators and staff were invited to the meeting along

with all students. Voices were heard and valid points were raised.

Thanks to Dean of Students and Vice President for Student Affairs Aaron Fetrow, students who are not playing a varsity sport are free to use drugs, when and wherever on campus.

“I am an athlete here at Guilford and, because of that, I am drug tested all the time,” said senior baseball player Babe Robinson. “It doesn’t seem fair that the athletes have to be tested when the non-athletes stroll around all day, every day high as a kite.”

Junior Saffron Sky, president of the Outdoors Club, said that in fact, athlete drug testing is a fair trade.

“If you want to dabble on the dark side, then stop playing sports,” said Sky. “It’s that simple.”

Athletes around campus also said that there are no consequences for students if they are caught with dope.

“Yeah man, I light up every day outside of King Hall,” said sophomore Josh Black. “My roommate usually shoots up in a Dana Hall bathroom.

“He’s into the heavy stuff.”Junior golfer Arnold Woods admitted that he watched

abusers light up dank in the tobacco smoking area. “It smells so delicious,” said Woods. “I remember my first

year, they would go to the woods, and I would hide in trees just to get a whiff.”

According to a newly released APSA report, there are no restrictions when it comes to doping with campus employees.

Senior Jewel Jay, a Guilford Peace Society and Ultimate Frisbee club member, said she has already taken advantage of the new policy.

“Maybe I have smoked with Public Safety once or twice, but we never do it in public,” said Jay. “We prefer to hotbox the Public Safety golf carts.”

Public Safety can be found often at drug locations throughout the day. When questioned about students, the public safety officers found it hard to respond as he finished off his roach.

“Athletes are alcoholics and non-athletes are drug addicts,” said Public Safety Officer Rob Ford. “Me, well, I’m both.”

Fetrow knows the issues of the divide all too well.“On one side, you have what the non-athletes like to call

‘dipsomaniacs and drunkards,’” said Fetrow. “On the other side, you have what athletes like to call ‘tree-hugging smelly hippies.’ However, both have much more in common than they think.

“They all have issues.” After hours of intensive discussions, Fetrow said that it is

against Guilford’s core value of equality to only have athletes drug-tested.

“Either test everyone on campus or don’t test us at all,” said junior soccer player Hope Hamm.

“As long as it doesn’t affect my life,” said Ford. “Who gives a damn?”

“But I’m a Guilford College Quaker,” yelled senior women’s lacrosse player Becca Colley.

Since President and Professor of Political Science Kent Chabotar decided to remain president, he has also decided to make more APSA changes.

“My secret will be out as soon as I report my change to the mascot,” Chabotar explained. “But, I must do this for them.

“The new mascot, as of this upcoming fall semester, will now be called the Guilford College Dilapidated Squirrel!”

Chabotar has a secret hidden from all students and faculty.

“Ever since I was young, I’ve been an avid squirrel lover,” said Chabotar.

His two techniques of communication with squirrels are twerking and flicking his tongue. To respond, the squirrels shake their tails back at him.

Observing one of Guilford’s core values, equality, Chabotar is going to ask all students and faculty to treat the squirrels as equals.

The squirrels demand more of a presence on campus. They want to be appreciated for eating the trash around campus to keep Guilford clean.

Expect to see drastic changes to Guilford in less than a month. Another new APSA change states that all squirrels will take over the Old Apartments.

Various resident advisors from other dorms were forced to move into the Old Apartments.

“I just don’t like squirrels,” said junior Shelton Watson, a Milner RA.“I am worried they will smell and be too rowdy.”

“My main concern is having to write them up for drinking too much Hazelnut Smirnoff Vodka,” said sophomore Milner RA Stephanie Byer.

As for dining, the squirrels will now have their own section of the cafeteria.

Unfortunately, their section will replace the vegan station. Chabotar told Julie Elmore, the vegan station chef, to take charge of the squirrels’ diet.

Elmore will have to adjust her creativity for the squirrels’ dishes with imported artisanal nuts as the main ingredient.

“Don’t get me wrong, I love squirrels, but I feel bad for all the students and faculty that love my station,” Elmore said. “I am also quite worried I will not be able to come up with any good meals for those picky squirrels.”

“I cannot believe they are taking away my favorite section of the cafeteria,” said sophomore Chessy Quigley. “How will I live without Julie’s vegan stir-fry?”

The third APSA change calls for the removal of the Armfield Athletic Center for a mega- tree house.

“I’m stoked,” said Conker Squirrel. “Serendipity everyday.”

Chabotar plans to include climbing walls, mazes and a hot tub.

“If the students have a gym, the squirrels should have an equivalent,” Chabotar said.

First-year football player Martinus Crump said that he eats squirrel eggs for lunch.

“I am outraged as a student-athlete,” said Crump. “I don’t want to have to travel just to attend practice.

“And all for the squirrels? They are already a huge inconvenience; this is just adding to that.”

Though many Guilford College students are upset by these changes, Chabotar is quite titillated.

“I think it’ll be really nice to finally honor the squirrels the way they deserve,” said Chabotar. “Giving them the position as our mascot is the perfect way to do it.”

BY KELLI URESTIResident naRc

BY ALLIE BADDLEYnathan the QuakeR Man’s disgRuntled Wife

QUIDDITCH8 WWW.GUILFORDIAN.COM

Cause of student-athlete divide found: drug tests split campus

So long to Quaker mascot

President Kent Chabotar assaults Nathan under the sunset.

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Athlete

CHABBY INTRODUCES NEW MASCOT, NATHAN, QUAKER MAN DISAPPEARS

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Want to discuss this?Come to Senate!

Wed, April 35 @ 3:00 a.m.

The Houston Texans posted the worst NFL record 2–14 in 2013. There is much speculation about who will be chosen first in the upcoming draft.

Standing at 6 foot 5 inches and weighing in at 266 pounds, Jadeveon Clowney has been the favorite for American football sportscaster and NFL media analyst Charley Casserly.

Casserly, a former NFL general manager, went to four Super Bowls with the Washington Redskins. He also drafted Mario Williams instead of the highly scouted Reggie Bush in 2002 for the expansion Houston Texans.

On the NFL Network’s “Path to the Draft” Casserly said, “the best talent in the draft is Jadeveon Clowney.”

“(He) makes rare plays against the run, rare plays against the pass,” added Casserly. “Maybe the most talented defensive end I’ve ever scouted.”

Senior O’Shawn Bryant said that Clowney is the smartest first pick overall.

“He is beast,” said Bryant. “Imagine him and J.J. Watt together.”

If the Texans draft Clowney, their defense would gain credibility with two dominant pass rushers that could attack the quarterback on every snap.

Clowney tallied 162 tackles his senior year of high school. Over 29 of those tackles were sacks, forced 11 fumbles and he recovered six fumbles.

Rare for a defensive player, he scored five defensive touchdowns, while leading his Stallions to a 13–2 record. Scout.com listed him as the number one college football prospect in the nation.

After a fabulous sophomore year, critics thought his junior season was subpar at best after suffering a rib injury.

Granted, NFL franchises are not worried about his injury or his high school statistics. They are looking at his college development and combine workouts.

After a recent transaction, it looks as though Houston may strengthen their offense instead of their defense.

On March 21, Houston traded Matt Schaub, who started at quarterback, to the

Oakland Raiders for a sixth round pick. Historically, quarterbacks have proven to

be the prime focus for the number one pick. In the last 16 years, 12 quarterbacks were drafted as the first overall.

In the middle of January, Mel Kiper announced Texas A&M quarterback Johnny Manziel as the first pick in earlier mock drafts, according to ESPN.

Arguably the most entertaining college football player, Manziel sits high atop draft boards. He used an unconventional approach with his uncanny scrambling ability to win the 2012 Heisman Trophy.

Yet, the top quarterback prospect is Teddy Bridgewater of the University of Louisville.

According to Bleacher Report, Bridgewater will be the first quarterback off the board, followed by Blake Bortles, a prospect from the University of Central Florida.

There is no denying Bridgewater’s talent, but will he really be the first quarterback taken overall?

Chris Barnette ’08, assistant football coach and offensive coordinator, said that Bridgewater fits the standards of the best quarterback in the draft.

“Teddy has a good head on his shoulders,” said Barnette. “But, the quarterback that will put people in the stands is Manziel because he is an exciting player to watch.”

With the exception of this year, the Texans normally do not lack attendance.

The Texans should choose a quarterback that will have longevity down the road, and Manziel does not quite fit this mold.

For instance, take a look at Robert Griffin, the Washington Redskins’ quarterback. He moves well out of the pocket, yet still managed to tear his ACL while scrambling during his rookie season.

University of Central Florida quarterback, Blake Bortles possesses first overall potential due to his 6 foot 5 inches and 232 pound frame — practically a replica of Andrew Luck.

One issue is that he has years to go before contributing as an elite performer like Luck.

As of now, the first pick in the draft is up in the air. It could easily be Clowney, Manziel, Bridgewater or Bortles out of the picture.

The Radio City Music Hall in New York will host the draft on May 8.

“Marty’s bat is definitely a valuable asset to our softball team,“ said sophomore softball player Calli Pastor. “We can always depend on Marty to get that needed RBI.”

At nine years old, junior softball player Marty Wilcox started training in her family’s homemade batting cage in their barn.

“Her swing was so ugly I immediately thought there was no way she can be a ball player,” said father and childhood coach John Wilcox ‘83, in an email interview. “She certainly proved me wrong.”

From June 2–11, Wilcox was invited to represent the U.S. in the Jourds Softball Tournament and an Austrian invitational in Prague.

“I get to wear USA,” said Wilcox. “It’s so cool.”According to the press release by USA Athletes

International, is a non-profit organization that is dedicated to providing amateur athletes the opportunity to participate in International Olympic style events throughout the world.

Sarah Cutright ’13, now a Graduate Assistant Softball Coach at Indiana Technical Institute of Technology, was able to travel to Australia last summer to compete with the same program.

“It was absolutely unbelievable to play at the international level and to play wearing USA on our shirts,” said Cutright.

Also, the organization allows them to broaden their educational experience.

Darrell Phipps ‘00, Office Manager of USA Athletes International, extended the invitation to Wilcox back in the fall based on her athletic skill and her leadership qualities to represent the U.S., Guilford College, and Charleston, W.Va. — her hometown — in a positive manner.

“I never thought I would have this opportunity,” Wilcox said. “Out of nowhere Phipps asked me, and I was like yes.”

Opportunities to play softball for the U.S. are few since softball was taken out of the Summer Olympic games in 2008.

In baseball, there are opportunities to play professionally in the States. Softball player’s only professional option is to play overseas.

Wilcox’s team will play against the Australian national team and an Austrian club team, amongst others.

“Marty is an excellent example of the type of athletic ambassador USAAI seeks to bring into international competition,” said Phipps.

Over the years, Wilcox stood out to John, who has coached hundreds of kids in softball and baseball.

“What separated her early from the other players was her strong work ethic, drive and sheer determination,” said John.

“I never had to ask her if she wanted to practice, she was always asking me if I would practice her.”

Wilcox’s self-motivated discipline continues to impress those around her.

“You give her 100 ground balls, she wants 150,” said head softball coach Dennis Shores. “If she gets 10 throws, she wants 20. If she has 58 swings, she wants 100.”

Wilcox strives for excellence in every aspect, whether she is fielding pop flies or training during the off-season.

“There really isn’t anything I could throw at her that she would struggle with,” said Carly Hess, head strength and conditioning coach and assistant volleyball coach. “These workouts are a cakewalk if you make them that way.

“They’re a nightmare if you’re giving your all.”Wilcox and the rest of the softball team give it their all in

the gym and on the field.“We’ve really picked it up with our workouts,” said

Wilcox. “We’re a lot more serious. We just really want it now.”

As the softball team continues to strive for excellence, Wilcox looks to life after Guilford.

She said that she definitely wants to pursue a career in a sports related field.

As a business major with minors in human resources and sports management, Wilcox plans to stay close to softball.

“I’m going to get a masters,” said Wilcox. “That’s when i’m going to figure my life out.”

While Wilcox continues to weigh her post-graduation options, but she is focused on the present: Guilford’s softball season.

“She certainly brings energy and entertainment that is much needed on this team,” said Pastor. “None of us can hold back ... excitement and intensity when Wilcox is fired up.”

BY MAILE MUNROStaff Writer

BY CHASE CLAUSENStaff Writer

SPORTS8 WWW.GUILFORDIAN.COM

STUDENT ATHLETES OF THE WEEK

Mitch robinetteJunior

Golf

At PAnther InvItAtIonAl(MAr. 17-18)

lilly colleySenior

lacroSSe

(MAr. 19 & 22)

Earned ODAC Men’s Golf Player of the Week Award. First time winning the award this season and the third time in his career.

Hit a walk-off single in the 8th inning for the win and went 3-4 with two RBIs.

Earned her second straight ODAC Lacrosse Player of the Week Award. In two wins she

recorded 16 points, with 8 goals and 8 assists.

Marty Wilcox steps to the plate for Team USA in Prague

Looking into this year’s NFL draft: a rundown of the possible top prospects

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Junior Marty Wilcox bats in a game against Roanoke College on March 12. The Quakers won 9–7. Their record is currently 19–3.

calli PaStorSoPhoMore

Softball

vs. eAstern MennonIte (MAr. 22)

In 1997, California made history by becoming the first state to ban the use of race as a basis for college admission. Now, 17 years later, it almost became the first state

to re-establish affirmative action policies.

This past January, members of the California Senate voted to pass Constitutional Amendment No. 5, which attempted to repeal the parts of Proposition 209 that allow University of California schools to remain race-blind. Even though the amendment was eventually withdrawn, the debate

around this issue has not settled down.Supporters of this amendment argue that it

would allow schools to create a more diverse student body, but instead, affirmative action limits diversity to physical appearance and actually increases racial gaps.

“Diversity is about bringing together people who see the world in unique ways,” said Early College senior Kristen Witkemper. “Race is a component, but so (is) socioeconomic status, upbringing and countless other factors.”

Understanding the perspective of someone who holds opposing political views, practices a different religion, or comes from another geographic region can be just as valuable as interacting with people from other races and creates true diversity.

The problem is that using race as a main factor in admissions will not ensure that diversity occurs beyond physical appearances. In fact, it allows universities to appear as though they care about diversity without pressuring them to enforce it. They can simply refer to broad statistics, like the fact that 10 percent of their student population is African American to seem like they are making a difference.

“It is not just about recruiting underrepresented students and making sure we can count a diversity of groups, but that

we are really open, supportive and embracing to all students,” said Director for Diversity Training and Development Jorge Zeballos.

Many systems that use race as a factor in admissions fail to even assure the acceptance of racial differences.

Some researchers, like co-authors of “Mismatch,” Richard Sanders and Stuart Taylor Jr., have found that affirmative action policies increase gaps in academic achievement because they place students at schools for which are unprepared.

“Scholarly research has shown that much of the self-segregation of black and white

students at universities results from the racial gaps in academic achievement,” said Taylor in an email interview. “Partly because the gaps foster stereotypes and resentments, and partly because students tend to become friends with others who are roughly similar in their academic achievements.”

In order to bridge this gap that often occurs, people should focus more on improving the quality of K–12 education for disadvantaged students. That way, they will be more competitive in college admissions without an extra boost from affirmative action.

Along with improving the quality of K–12

education, University of California schools also found more short-term solutions to creating diversity after Proposition 209 was passed.

Some of these solutions included reducing the use of legacy and standardized testing in admissions and creating programs that aided students suffering from poverty. These solutions helped improve social mobility and allowed admission officers to focus on criteria that included more of their personal story.

Hopefully, affirmative action will affirm more than just quotas and foster diversity in the future.

OPINION7March 28, 2014

UC school system debates the use of affirmative action

BY REBECCA DOUStaff Writer

Core Values: CommunityCommunity is defined as a feeling of fellowship with others as a result of sharing

common attitudes, interests and goals. In what ways should Guilford College build upon this concept of community as

we move into the future? Are we living up to this value already?

“Here at Guilford, I feel that the diverse community has expanded my knowledge of the world. If you think about it, college is the first place many people will have the opportunity to have any type of real interaction with people from different lifestyles. A campus, in many ways, is like opening a door to the entire world without traveling anywhere, while exploring advanced subject matter.”

Jason Brame, CCE senior

“Staff, faculty and students share the same basic mission, and we often are working in the same direction to make the experience of students as meaningful and rich in learning opportunities as we can. Where we have room to grow, I think, is in the quality of communication — often we have no idea what is happening elsewhere on campus, or about needs we could help meet if we only knew the needs existed — and in equality, the lack of which is currently undermining community in some ways.”

Maria Rosales, associate professor of political science

“If we start asking students their opinions on community versus faculty and administration making proclamations about it, we might actually learn something about the community that exists at Guilford College. This would address quality of life, retention and affect admissions.”

Aaron Fetrow, dean of students and vice president for student affairs

BY ROBERT PACHECOStaff Writer

“It is my hope as Guilford prepares for the change ahead, that we never lose sight of community. That we all seek opportunities to sit down together and truly be a community by continuing to get to know each other. That we do not classify ourselves as ‘CCE’ and ‘traditional.’ That we all see the gifts that each person brings to Guilford that make it a truly special community.”

Nicole Cornett Arnold, Center for Continuing Education, student success counselor

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Citizens protest Constitutional Amendment No. 5 in California. There has been debate in the state about the benefits of affirmative action since January.

In response to recent articlesRecently, The Guilfordian published news stories and opinion columns

about faculty and administrator salaries that ignore realities of the College’s budget decision-making process, resource allocation and distinction within its peer group.

In fact, raising employee salaries — especially faculty salaries — is Guilford’s top priority. In early March, the Academic Dean notified 24 faculty receiving promotions of raises effective April 1. Even with a worse-case budget next fiscal year, raises will be provided for employees, with almost two-thirds of the pool committed to faculty. The higher the enrollment, the higher the raise pool will be.

As is commonly known, nearly 80 percent of the College’s operating income is from tuition and fees. In 2011, the College made deep budget cuts due to major losses in state-funded financial aid. None of Guilford’s peers and few of the American Association of University Professors institutions to whom we compare are in North Carolina, so they did not take the same hit.

An often-overlooked factor that affects Guilford’s ability to pay faculty at the same levels as its peers is

that peers have a much higher percentage of traditional-aged students than at Guilford, and those students contribute at a higher net-revenue level. This means that peer institutions of comparable size are more able to fund important campus priorities such as faculty salaries.

This is not to suggest that Guilford should eliminate the CCE or Early College student cohorts, or that it might be able to replace them with traditional students contributing higher levels of net revenue. However, it should be recognized that the College is possibly comparing itself inappropriately to peers with respect to our ability to pay faculty salaries.

Neither faculty nor administrators have received general raises the last few years due to our financial constraints, although they did get a one-time, across-the-board bonus. As a result of the catastrophic cut in state-funded financial aid, the College reduced 17 administrative and support staff positions and allocated the work to other administrative and support staff positions. No tenured or tenure-track faculty were affected.

Guilford’s budget decision-making process is transparent and involves many in the campus community. Students and faculty are on budget committees chaired by faculty members. Every raise pool for faculty and staff has been recommended by consensus by the budget committees, and the President and trustees have never cut a dime.

BY TY BUCKNERaSSociate VP for comm. & marketing

FACULTY, STAFF SALARIES ARE ADMIN PRIORITY

I returned from winter break to discover that my roommate had turned our Binford dorm into a physics lab using a scientific laser, a pillowcase, sunglasses and a binocular lens.

I have no need to conduct laser experiments in my room, but I do enjoy finding resourceful solutions to the problems of dorm life. To this end, I reached out to the Guilford community and uncovered some practical dorm hacks for living, studying and eating well in your dorm.

If you have an adjustable bed — like the ones in Milner ¬— you can raise it to the top of the frame and swing a hammock underneath, forming an informal bunk bed. Hang blankets around the bed to complete the feel of a schooner captain’s cabin.

Zack Wolfe, first-year

If you live in Binford, you know the joys of the massive storage cabinets above the closet. But did you know that, with few blankets these can become sound-proof study areas? Just climb up there and hide away.

Tyler Kossover, First-year

Not many people enjoy that lovely blue glow you get from fluorescent lights. To improve the quality of light, hang silks or other light cloth over them.

Olivia Chalkley, first-year

A few uses for those piles of old papers — stuff them into wet shoes to dry them out, use old newspapers to clean windows, or fold colorful, one sided handouts around letters like gift wrap for a quick envelope.

Naomi Madaras, sophomore

Try using a hanging shoe organizer keep tools, school supplies and other things orderly and out of the way.

Molly McCarriston Stoltzfus, First-year

If you like milk in your tea/coffee, but don’t have a refrigerator, pick up a few single serve plastic creamers next time the Caf has a free coffee table out. They are much better than powdered non-dairy creamer.

Abe Kenmore, first-year

Speaking of coffee — have a teakettle, but no coffee maker? Cut the bottom out of a paper cup and invert it over a mug. Then, use a rubber band to attach a coffee filter over the hole. On top of this, add your coffee grounds and pour hot water through.

Kenmore

Don’t have time to cook breakfast in the morning? Combine water or milk with oats, mix in sugar and cinnamon, and let the whole thing steep overnight in the refrigerator. In the morning, you have ready-made oatmeal.

Katie Fullerton, sophomore

Alternatively, make Swiss Bircher Muesli — mix equal parts cottage cheese and rolled oats, add frozen fruit or fresh fruit and a little juice and let it sit overnight.

Kenmore

Quick and easy breakfast sandwich: scramble an egg in a saucer, add some cheese, and microwave for one minute. It will be perfectly cooked — just add to a bagel, biscuit or toast.

Kenmore

They may not help you with that physics homework, but hopefully some of these ideas will make living in your dorm a little easier. So what are you waiting for? Start hacking!

On a sunny winter day, students, faculty and staff sat in a haphazard circle in Founders Hall. Faculty and staff occupied one corner, while students spread out across the rest of the room. Shifting around in their seats, it was clear that individuals were hesitant to talk about the red-button topic.

Of the 35 people that showed up, most were white. The March 5 “Race and Reality at Guilford” forum was

sponsored by the Diversity Action Committee. “(The DAC) is a (group) of representatives from most

departments on campus, as well as students, charged with overseeing the implementation of the institutional diversity plan,” said Director for Diversity Training and Development Jorge Zeballos, co-chair of the DAC.

Zeballos made it clear that the point was to find solutions.

“The purpose of this forum is to create the kind of school we want to have, not just to complain,” said Zeballos.

The committee is united in their goal to bridge racial gaps. The job tackles Guilford’s struggles with diversity in segregated housing, black students’ desire to see more faculty that look like them, and students of color feeling uncomfortable speaking up.

One brave student broke the tension by describing what racism is to her.

“Some people think racism is one thing, but it’s actually the way you speak and the jokes you tell,” said senior Emily Morazán “That’s racism.

“Be aware of what you’re saying. It’s not okay to make those jokes.”

Junior and Latina Ines Sanchez De Lozada helped organize the forum. She believes some teachers do not know how to talk about diversity.

“A lot of these conversations can seem confrontational and hard to have, and this needs to change on all levels at this school,” said De Lozada. “It’s not just the way faculty addresses (race), but the way students interact with one another.”

Thinking back, Edwina Greene ‘13 takes in a breath before timidly summing up her Guilford experience.

“I felt like there was bias (at Guilford),” said Greene in a phone interview. “I felt discrimination from the white female faculty. In a psychology class, two white girls made a racial remark about me, and I reported it to the instructor. Nothing was done to those students.”

Junior and woman of color Ilari Pass grew outraged in a class she took last semester. The instructor was white and the topic was African American theory.

“You can teach Black history until you are blue in the

face, but you can never comprehend what we still have to deal with in this society,” said Pass to the instructor.

Underrepresentation of black students was not the only hot button touched on at the forum. Housing where residents are socially segregated was repeatedly mentioned at the heated meeting.

De Lozada recognizes the difficulty in speaking up about race, which touches people in an oftentimes painful way.

“I live in a theme house where everybody is white except me,” said De Lozada. “At a meeting, I brought up the fact that I was uncomfortable in the living space.

“After the meeting, no one came up to me to talk about it. (It) just feels like I’m alone.”

While creating an understanding, diverse community comes with a laundry list of challenges, the DAC is hoping the community forums promote change. The next forum will be in April. A diversity curriculum for First Year Experience is also in the works.

“(We hope) all members of our community will feel their voices are being heard and action is being taken to address concerns,” said Zeballos.

“We have a voice, but sometimes we have to scream,” said De Lozada.

BY EMILY CURRIEStaff Writer

BY ABE KENMOREStaff Writer

FEATURES6 WWW.GUILFORDIAN.COM

Dorm hacks, tricks, tips for better college living

Open community forums hosted by DAC, discuss & combat race issues

First-year Tyler Kossover finds an innovative place to relax.

Community members came together at the forum on March 5 to discuss diversity and race in housing, faculty and the classroom.

April 2 @ 1:30 p.m.

Founders (West Gallery)

April 30 @ 2:30 p.m. Boren Lounge

Open Forums

For more information, contact:Ines Sanchez de Lozada

[email protected]

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On March 2, thousands of students gathered on the streets of Washington, D.C. in what is said to have been the largest student protest since the Vietnam War.

They marched in dissent of the construction of the Keystone XL pipeline.

“Three phases have already been completed,” said junior and Guilford College Democrats President Josh Weil. “We’re protesting the fourth phase: the pipeline actually being built.”

Students voiced concerns about the fact that more fossil fuels are generated by the oil in the Keystone Pipeline System than by oil produced in the U.S.

“The company that wants to build the Keystone has a very poor environmental reputation,” said sophomore and Sustainability Committee head Lily Collins. “We want to stop the building of fossil fuel infrastructure due to the carbon that’s released from fossil fuels.”

Many believe that the construction will affect everyone from bird and reptile species to human beings.

“The potential for destroying wetland areas and major aquifers is really high,” said Allison Bressler, intern at Sierra Club’s Beyond Oil Campaign, in a phone interview with The Guilfordian.

“Tar sands emit about three times

the gases as conventional oil,” said protest organizer Nicholas Stracco to The Guilfordian. “It erodes oil pipelines, (and) we have no proven way to clean it up.”

During the protest, 372 people were arrested after voluntarily zip-tying their arms to the fence in front of the White House.

“At first it was exciting, then the weather turned cold,” said Warren Wilson College first-year Christopher Feidler-Cree in an email interview with The Guilfordian. “Our spirits were not diminished and rounds of chanting broke out often. There was an amazing sense of community.”

Cheering from the crowd remained consistent from 10 a.m. to the last arrest at 7 p.m.

“When the policeman placed handcuffs on one of us, the rhythmic chant of, ‘We love you! We love you! We love you!’ roared from the crowd,” said Warren Wilson sophomore and protest organizer Jamie DeMarco in an email interview with The Guilfordian. “It was hard to feel anything but inspired.”

Students were inspired by the fact that this was a youth-led protest.

“This is our future we are talking about, and I think it is important to be informed about issues like these that can directly affect us,” said first-year Davia Young.

Although no Guilford students

were arrested during the protests, they showed support of the protesters who were.

“It’s hard to watch these people who care so much about this cause that they are willing to be arrested,” said Weil. “They’re willing to sacrifice their futures.”

First-year Devon Murphy-Anderson believes that the protest symbolized her generation’s high-mindedness.

“The protest (won’t) stop Obama from signing the bill enabling construction of the fourth installment of the Keystone pipeline,” said Murphy-Anderson. “This protest was about showing America that our generation is listening and that we care about our earth and our future.”

DeMarco is more hopeful of the results.

“We sent the message, ‘No Keystone XL pipeline,’ as loudly as we could,” said DeMarco. “President Obama has heard us, and now the question is: will he listen?”

Students must remember, however, that the power to construct the pipeline does not rest solely with Obama.

“It’s not like the president can just snap his fingers and shut it down,” said Weil. “There are a lot of working parts. Although Obama is a major factor, there are many people at play that also need to be moved into making the right decision.”

Imagine every breath you take being a hazard to your health. Picture rarely seeing the blue sky because it is blocked by a cloud of pollution hovering over your city every day.

China has been struggling with pollution for years. This year on March 5, Premier Li Keqiang began the annual

Chinese Parliament meeting with a “declaration of war” on pollution.

“We will declare war against pollution and fight it with the same determination we battled poverty,” said Li during a State of the Union style address, according to The New York Times.

“Pollution started when (reformist leader) Deng Xiaoping launched the economic reform in 1979,” said George Guo, professor of political science.

Others in China agreed with Guo.“The pollution problem started over 20 years ago,” said

Fred Engst, professor at the University of International Business and Economics in Beijing, in an email interview with The Guilfordian. “As China is becoming more industrialized, the pollution problem is worsening.”

Former resident of Beijing Ann Tompkins taught in the nation’s capital from 1965–1970 and continues to visit China.

She recalled pollution being an issue in the 1960s.“People used small stoves for their cooking and heating,”

Tompkins said in an email interview with The Guilfordian. “These stoves used coal cakes made to fit into the stoves. That meant that, every winter especially, a great deal of pollution could be seen hanging over Beijing.

“On the other hand, there were impressive recycling, reusing and reducing practices,” said Tompkins. “Animal manure was collected off the streets, and human waste was also treated and used as fertilizer. All old metal, cloth and paper … everything was collected and put to another use. My favorite was learning that the padded clothing we wore in winter was recycled into toilet paper.”

These eco-friendly methods, however, could not stop China from becoming one of the world’s most polluted countries.

“The pollution aggravates our respiratory illnesses, prolonging the time it takes to recover from colds,” said Engst.

Smog in the cities forces many citizens to wear protective masks. For others, pollution is a reason to leave China.

“More people are leaving China because of the pollution, and multinationals are having a harder time getting people to take on assignments in China,” said Jerel Bonner, a citizen of Shanghai, in an email interview with The Guilfordian.

Many agree that government officials have consistently attempted to curb pollution.

“China has issued many rules and regulations to reduce pollution since the 1980s,” said Guo. “The government has made the effort to cut emissions from its power plants, factories and cars.”

However, another difficulty arises from the government’s vested interests in the industries causing pollution.

“Steel plants, for example, are one of the main sources of pollution and are also the main source for local government revenue,” said Engst.

“The plant owners often bribe inspectors and make their pollution control devices work only during the daytime when people can see smoke (rising) from their factories,” said Engst. “But during the night, the devices tend to be turned off in order to save money.

“So, during the day, we see white smoke, and in the night, the smoke is black.”

Where, then, lies hope for a cleaner future in China? “To solve the pollution problem, there has to be a consensus,”

said Engst. “To bring about the consensus, (the problem) has to be really bad, making everyone realize the severity of the problem. That’s the way Western countries learned to take pollution seriously earlier.”

BY NICOLE ZELNIKERStaff Writer

WORLD & NATION5March 28, 2014

‘War on pollution’ hopes to reclaim Chinese skiesBY ALLISON STALBERGStaff Writer

Keystone Pipeline protests rage on

The pollution provides protections against UV rays and sunburn.

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On March 2, students marched to protest the building of the Keystone XL pipeline. The project poses serious environmental threats.

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Southern Indian Ocean After an 18-day investigation that commenced on March 8, satellite experts led by the U.K.’s Air Accidents Investigation Branch confirmed that the Malaysian Airlines Flight 370 is submerged in the middle of the Indian Ocean, west of Perth, Australia. According to New York Daily News, on March 24, Malaysian Prime Minister Najib Razak announced that none of the 239 people on board survived the incident. A day later, citing “delays and deception,” victims’ families along with their supporters stormed the Malaysian Embassy in Beijing, China, and shouted, “Tell the truth! Return our relatives!” New York Daily News reports.

The Hague, Netherlands The Group of 8 (G8), an assembly of the world’s eight leading industrialized nations, is now the G7. On March 24, U.S. government officials told CNN that President Barack Obama and other world leaders have suspended Russia’s G8 membership in response to Russian President Vladimir Putin’s annexation of Crimea. During a news conference at The Hague, Netherlands, Russian Foreign Minister Sergey Lavrov downplayed the eviction, insisting that “the G8 is an informal organization” and “being kicked out of G8 would be no big deal,” according to CNN.

Cairo, Egypt On March 24, the Upper Egypt court convicted and sentenced to death 529 alleged members of the outlawed Muslim Brotherhood.

The charges? Murdering a police commander.

According to The Wall Street Journal, the sentence

is likely to be appealed but serves as evidence of the military-backed regime’s

determination to crush the once-powerful organization. “(The mass death sentence) is a grotesque example of the shortcomings and the selective nature of Egypt’s justice system,” Amnesty International said in a news report.

Havana, Cuba Headquartered in the nation’s capital, the state-run daily newspaper, Granma, reported that the Cuban government will give pay raises to over 440,000 medical workers, the Associated Press reports. Beneficiaries of the pay hikes include health care professionals: multi-specialty physicians will receive a salary raise to $67 per month, up from $26, and beginning nurses will be paid $25 per month, up from $13. According to Granma, “the elimination of 109,000 jobs considered to be redundant by the government in the past four years makes the (planned pay raises) possible.”

WORLD & NATION4 WWW.GUILFORDIAN.COM

The verdict in the Trayvon Martin murder case was not the end of a story; it was the beginning of a movement.

Since the jury from that case found defendant George Zimmerman innocent, many have derided Florida’s “stand your ground” law as symbolic of prejudice against blacks in the U.S. legal system.

“The law that Zimmerman’s defense employed is perhaps the most debated law today,” said Jonathan Ross, second-year law student at American University Washington College of Law. “It harkens back to Jim Crow and often vindicates due to how abstractly the law is worded.”

“Stand your ground” has been used successfully in the defense of white men accused of killing unarmed black men, most recently in the case against Michael Dunn, who fired 10 bullets at an SUV filled with black teenagers playing loud hip-hop music.

According to The Associated Press, the Florida law states that people who “are not involved in illegal activity have the right to stand their ground and meet force with force, including deadly force, if they reasonably believe it’s necessary to avoid death or great bodily harm.”

The law has been referenced in the defense for Marissa Alexander, a mother of three, who fired a single bullet into her kitchen ceiling two years ago after being attacked by her estranged husband, Rico Gray.

Gray reacted violently after receiving a restraining order and confronted Alexander, bringing their children to his violent confrontation.

However, unlike cases wherein white defendants killed black victims, Alexander is a black woman who killed no one.

Judge James Daniel’s verdict that Alexander should receive a 20-year sentence added more controversy to the “stand your ground” debate.

Upon appeal, the appellate court found Alexander’s sentence too harsh and ruled that the judge had ignored that her case fit the “stand your ground” law parameters.

In Alexander’s retrial, however, Florida State Attorney General Angela Corey is seeking a sentence of 60 years, a ruling that would keep Alexander in jail until she is in her 90s.

On March 10, civil rights activist Reverend Al Sharpton led a march on the Florida state capital to protest the law.

“To have laws that tell people that they can shoot first and then ask questions later is a violation of our civil rights,” said Sharpton, according to The Associated Press. “I believe that the law is inherently wrong.

“The law in effect says that, based on your imagination — if you imagine I’m a threat — you have the right to kill me,” Sharpton added.

Also participating in the march were Trayvon Martin’s parents and members of a group seeking Alexander’s release.

Has the “stand your ground” law proved to be a failure? If so, is the failure rooted in the law’s application? Or, does the controversy arise from the State Attorney General’s handling of these cases?

“I see the issue as being in the application of these laws,” said Aaron Fetrow, lawyer and dean of students and vice president for student affairs. “There is a systemic situation regarding the application of the law towards economic and racial lines within the legal system. But, that goes far beyond ‘stand your ground’ — it permeates to … access to a legal team and therefore the application of justice.”

According to U.S. Navy veteran and gun advocate Danny Nunez, the issue concerns gun control just as much as racism.

“Responsible gun ownership means that your weapon is a deterrent to criminals,” said Nunez in an interview with The Guilfordian. “However, without responsible laws that ensure that criminal behavior is met with proper sentencing, the law becomes merely an avenue for excusable murder.”

Civil Rights groups descend on Florida, protest unjust ‘stand your ground’ lawBY ROBERT PACHECOStaff Writer

Guilford CollegeThursday, April 3 | 7:30 p.m.

Community CenterJason Berry is an author and investigative journalist who achieved prominence for his reporting on crises in the Catholic Church. His books include Render Unto Rome: The Secret Life of Money in the Catholic Church and Vows of Silence: The Abuse of Power in the Papacy of John Paul II. With support from the Pulitzer Center, Berry also reported on the Vatican’s investigation of American nuns accused of “radical feminism.” He will discuss the future of the Catholic Church and the Papacy as these institutions respond to the changing world.

COMMUNITY3www.guilfordian.com

calendar of events

28

Pajama JamGreensboro Science Center

6 p.m.

Legally Blonde the MusicalSouth Elm Street

7:30 p.m.

FRI 29 SAT 30 SUN 31 MON

2 WED1 TUES 3 THURS

See your event hereemail: [email protected]

Softball vs. ShenandoahHaworth Field

12 p.m.

Women’s Lacrosse vs. Sweet Briar

Appenzeller Field at Armfield Athletic Center

1 p.m.

Around the World in 80 BeatsCarolina Theatre

3 p.m.

CAB: Kick off Serendipity @ The Fountain

Founders Fountain7 p.m.

Meet the Presidential Candidates

East Gallery Founders11 a.m.

Meet the Presidential Candidates

East Gallery Founders11 a.m.

Happy birthday Fred and George Weasley!

Meet the Presidential Candidates

East Gallery Founders11 a.m.

Men’s Lacrosse vs. Hampden-Sydney

Appenzeller Field at Armfield Athletic Center

5 p.m.

APRIL FOOLS DAY!

The Guilfordian is the student-run newspaper of Guilford College. It exists to provide a high-quality, reliable, informative and entertaining forum for the exchange of ideas, information and creativity within Guilford College and the surrounding community.

General staff meetings for The Guilfordian take place every Monday evening at 7:30 p.m. in Founders Hall and are open to the public.

AdvertisingIf you are interested in advertising in The

Guilfordian, send an e-mail to [email protected] for a rate sheet and submission guidelines. We can design a customized ad for you if you need this service. The Guilfordian reserves the right to reject advertisements.

LettersThe Guilfordian actively encourages readers

to respond to issues raised in our pages via letters to the editor. Letters can be submitted to [email protected] by 3 p.m. on the Sunday before publication and should not exceed 300 words. Letters that do not meet the deadline or word limit will be considered on a space-available basis. Anonymous letters will not be accepted. By submitting a letter to The Guilfordian, you give The Guilfordian permission to reproduce your letter in any format. The Guilfordian reserves the right to editorial review of all submissions.

The Guilfordian

Council of EldersZordon

Watson

Gurus of the Font

Website Editor

News Editor

International CorrespondentApocalypse CoordinatorStaff Drunkard

Sportsballer

Pizza Delivery Man

Grumpy Cat

Chief Videographer

Queen of the Magic ElvesDiversity CoordinatorFaculty Advisor

Kate [email protected] [email protected] [email protected] Samir Hazboun [email protected] [email protected] [email protected] Rishab [email protected] [email protected] [email protected]. [email protected] Ty Gooch [email protected] [email protected] Zachary Kronisch [email protected] [email protected] Sanchez De [email protected] [email protected]

HitchcocksFrancesca Benedetto Carson Risser

Allison’s Magic Elves

Emily CurrieJulia Murnane

Connie O’BoyleOlivia Werner

Compulsive Neurotics

Staff WritersAllie BaddleySukyun Chung Chase ClausenEmily CurrieKinsey DanzisJake DelahantyRebecca DouAditya GargAlexandra HaridopolosAbe KenmoreTray LynchMaile Munro

Olivia NealRobert PachecoIan PennyGabe PollakEmerson SantiagoJames SharpeValeria SosaAllison StalbergKelli UrestiNellie VinogradOlivia WernerConnor WilsonNicole Zelniker

Adam P. FaustKiyoka IkemuraKarlen Lambert

Eileen MartinSara MinskyLisa Robbins

Layout StaffLily HaywardGloria HooverCamden Lambert

Karlen LambertAnna Oates

Senior WriterVictor Lopez

Cartoonist C.J. Green

CORRECTIONS

On page 2 of Issue 15, it was said the Board of Trustees voted on matters regarding the students. They used consensus instead of a vote.

On page 3 of Issue 16, it was said that Guilford’s endowment is larger than eight percent of its peer institutions. It was supposed to say the endowment is bigger than eight of its peer institutions.

BY JAMES SHARPEStaff Writer

NEWS2 WWW.GUILFORDIAN.COM

Guilford College’s Vice President for Finance Greg Bursavich has made public his plans to retire on June 30.

After his four years here, Bursavich has not only impacted Guilford but claims he has been deeply impacted by the College.

“I was looking for something special, a place to wind down my career, a place that I had never really experienced, and Guilford was that place,” said Bursavich.

And Guilford was a good fit for him, according to his co-workers.

“He is very friendly and honest,” said Student Financial Services Counselor Vanessa Reese. “He has an open door policy. So, if you ever have questions, he always lets you into his office.”

Reese isn’t the only one who says says she will miss Bursavich

around campus. “He is very professional but also

approachable,” said Campus Visit Facilitator Sheila Siler. “He has a very positive presence.”

Looking back on his time at Guilford, Bursavich hopes that he made a difference in students’ lives.

“I am glad I came to 66 (years) and felt like I was doing something that mattered,” said Bursavich. “I’d like to believe that I really helped students.”

Bursavich’s hard work has not gone unnoticed.

“He has always been very on top of the changes in our office,” said Reese.

Working in the finance department, however, is not always a walk in the park.

“We did what we had to do when budgets were cut,” said Bursavich. “It was not pleasant, it was not fun, and it was very difficult to do. But, it was necessary.”

Guilford’s Administrative Program and Services Assessment was in high gear with Bursavich as one of the APSA committee members.

“There were eight to 10 of us

working together to make the administrative processes work better,” said Bursavich. “It was very difficult, but every member worked hard with great honesty and integrity.”

Since the effects of APSA would touch the Guilford community so directly and deeply, the committee’s feat was not an easy one.

“Not only was APSA difficult and controversial, it was also very time-consuming for over two years,” said Bursavich. “It was very stressful dealing with those issues.”

Regardless of the many pressures and difficulties, Bursavich praises the APSA committee’s dedication and hard work.

“I would ask that the community appreciate and honor APSA for its huge efforts over the years,” said Bursavich. “I just hope that the people and community recognize APSA for its service.”

As for Bursavich’s plans for post-Guilford life, music is in the air.

“One reason I am leaving is to spend a lot of time with my wife, kids and now grandkids,” said Bursavich. “Also, I’d like to learn how to play the guitar.”

this week’s developments

Compiled by Samir Hazboun, Community Senate president

SENATE UPDATE

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The talk on accessibility was postponed as Meagan was ill. Students discussed the upcoming open presidential interview sessions (April 1, 2 and 3 from 11:00-11:40am in the East Gallery) and came up with some questions to ask candidates.

this week’s plans

Georgie and Meagan will be coming in to talk about accessibility. From there we will transition into a general discussion about how students can foster a stronger sense of community togetherness.

Bursavich announces retirement

“I was looking for something special, a place to wind down my career, a place that I had never really experienced, and Guilford was that place...”

Greg Bursavich, vice president for finance

VICE PRESIDENT FOR FINANCE PLANS TO STEP DOWN THIS YEAR

Kent Chabotar. Chabotar said that he is not involved with the

candidates’ visit but believes that the Board has used appropriate practices for seeking and interviewing the candidates.

The 15-member presidential search committee, chaired by trustee Carole Bruce, began its work last summer, assisted by the Witt/Kieffer executive search firm.

Bruce told The Guilfordian that the search committee is pleased that the candidates are in a position to meet with Guilford students, staff and faculty in open meetings as well as alumni and Greensboro community leaders.

“All of those who meet with the candidates will have an opportunity to share feedback with the trustees through Survey Monkey — technology supported by our search consultant Witt/Kieffer,” Bruce said.

On March 12 and 13, the committee interviewed 10 semifinalist candidates, from which the finalists were selected. None of these were candidates already employed by the College.

Jim Hood, professor of English, and Aaron Fetrow, vice president and dean of student affairs, were not selected as finalists.

Fetrow said that upon hearing that the interview process was to be open, he was thrilled.

“I would certainly expect community forums of some sort for the candidates,” said Fetrow. “Students should absolutely attend and ask big-picture questions about the future of our institution and avoid focusing on narrow topics.

“I think students should also ask questions that help us all understand how each candidate sees their role in the day-to-day community life of our campus.”

Buckner indicated this process is an exciting new chapter for Guilford and is in line with the College’s core values.

“The open interviews were desired by many on campus who value Guilford’s commitment to transparent decision making,” said Buckner. “It’s encouraging that the next president of the College will have engaged with a broad range of Guilford people during the interview process, as was the case when Kent Chabotar was hired in 2002.”

INTERVIEWS

Continued from Page 1

Community to provide input on new president

Serendipity 2014

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Monday 3/31

Tuesday 4/1

Wednesday 4/2

Thursday 4/3

Friday 4/4

Saturday 4/5

TWIN DAY

HAT DAY

HOMETOWN DAY

MOONPIES & MUSIC, 5 - 7:30 p.m.Joseph M. Bryan Jr. Plaza

COMEDIAN HYPNOTIST DAN LORNITIS, 9 - 10 p.m.Joseph M. Bryan Jr. Auditorium

COMMUNITY CRAFT WITH CAB AND OSLE, 11:30 a.m. - 1:30 p.m.Founders Lawn and Patio

GUILFORD DAYMEADOWFED w/ Sons of Carolina, Whiskey Fingers & James+Heather

5 - 7:30 p.m. at Guilford College FarmZOOLANDER QUOTE-A-LONG , 8:30 p.m.Milner/Bryan Hall Lawn (Rain plan in Joseph M. Bryan Jr. Auditorium)

NEON DAYHOLI FESTIVAL, 6 p.m. at lawn by the lake CONCERTS, doors open at 7 p.m. at alumni gymPush/Pull, 7:30 - 9 p.m.MitiS, 9:15 - 10:45 p.m.Killer Mike, 11:10 p.m. - 1 a.m.

TIE-DYE DAYYOGA, 11:30 a.m. - 12 p.m. at lawn by the lakeLAKEFEST 2014: GAMES, ACTIVITIES, CRAFTSwith music by Manna Frost Trio, Quilla, Mystical Space Typhoon, Mr. Daywalker and more1 - 6 p.m. at lawn by the lake (rain plan in alumni gym)BLUE ROOTS EXPERIMENT, 7 - 7:50 p.m.WOWSER BOWSER, 8 p.m. - 9 p.m.TBA, 9:15 - 11 p.m.AFTER PARTY + FREE PIZZA, featuring Oko Yono, Space Race and DJ WAVY11 p.m. - 1 a.m. at the Community Center

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See BUDGET | Page 2WWW.GUILFORDIAN.COMMistreatment of Montana’s mentally ill prisonersBY SUKYUN CHUNGStaff Writer

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INSIDE THIS ISSUE

The forum encouraged frank discussion of issues involving race & diversity, sought solutions for bridging racial gaps on campus. More forums are planned for the coming weeks.

DAC Community ForumPAGE 6

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Presidential candidates

to visit campus

Since the start of the spring semester, there has been talk about the potential for presidential candidates remaining anonymous.

However, according to a March 21 announcement in The Beacon, Guilford College’s next top administrator will not be cloaked in anonymity.

Open campus interviews are planned for April 1–3 for the three candidates recommended by the presidential search committee to the board of trustees.

“The identities of the finalists will be announced Monday, March 31,” said Vice President of Communications and Marketing Ty Buckner.

Students, faculty, staff and community leaders will have sessions with each candidate, and

all will have the opportunity to give trustees their input through an online survey.

From April 1–3, there will be open faculty and staff sessions. Candidate presentations will be held from 10–10:45 a.m. in the Moon Room of Dana Auditorium and 2–2:50 p.m. in Bauman Gallery East in Founders Hall.

Student sessions will be held from 11–11:40 a.m. each day.

The trustees, who will select the next president, are scheduled to meet Saturday, April 5, at the Community Center to discuss the candidates.

Some speculate that a final decision will be made at that meeting.

Candidates will also meet with senior staff, the clerk of the faculty, Clerk’s Committee and Academic Division chairs, members of the board of visitors, alumni, community leadership and trustees, as well as President and Professor of Political

BY VICTOR LOPEZSenior Writer

NEWS

See Interviews | Page 2

Community to meet & interview the three would-be presidents