Grapevine - Issue 1, 2016

ISSUE 1 2016

ARE YOU MISSING OUT ON GRAPEVINE?Get your own free trial-copy for a year – better still, become a sponsor (see p2 & 3)

YOU MAKE ME MAD!(how to handle those angry feelings)

plus• How to be security-checked• Microadventures: a refresh button for busy lives• Fit & Healthness: choosing a near-fatal sport• Rounding the Horn

look – there’s

(the Tale of the Orange Rhino ... )

no need to yell!

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Angry words. Angry thoughts. Angry people. It’s common enough. Most of us are capable of losing it. Oh sure, in public we pretend things couldn’t be better. But in private, behind closed doors, that ideal picture can easily be spoiled …

Yelling! It’s something nearly all parents resort to at least some of the time … and, in many homes, most of the time. But do we ever stop and ask ourselves: Is yelling good? Does it actually work? And what effect does it have on the yeller – and the yellee?

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38 YOU MAKE ME MAD! (how to handle those angry feelings)

12 LOOK – THERE’S NO NEED TO YELL! (the Tale of the Orange Rhino …)

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Pick of the Bunch ...................................6Editorial ............................................ 10Sherman’s Lagoon ................................ 11You Ain’t Gonna Believe This ................... 22Grapepuzzles ...................................... 23The Geezer ......................................... 24Home-Sweet-Home ................................ 36Cartoonz ........................................... 37Stillpoint .......................................... 48Spot the Difference ............................. 52Waves of Grief .................................... 56Families Unlimited ................................ 62Back Chat .......................................... 67

Publisher:John CooneyEditor:Mike CooneyAssociate Editor:Paul FreedmanContributing Writers:Julia BlooreRob Harley Tracy CarterDistribution Manager:Brent CurtisDesign:Craig Haythornthwaite Ampersand Creative LtdPrint: PMP PrintDelivery: PMP DistributionWebsite:www.grapevine.org.nz

Published by Grapevine Communications Society Ltd. All correspondence to Private Bag 92124, Victoria Street West, Auckland 1142, New Zealand. Phone: 09 813 4956 Freephone: 0800 GRAPEVINE Email: [email protected] mission:To promote stable, loving relationships ... to tackle family hurts and headaches in a positive, helpful way ... to inject fun, hope and wholeness into homes all over the country.Copyright:The entire contents of this issue are copyright © March 2016. Permission to reprint must be obtained in advance.ISSN 1170-392X (Print) ISSN 2230-4126 (Online)

Published four times a year to give New Zealand families a lift – 100% independent, community-based, not-for-profit.

PLUS!

26 MICROADVENTURES: a refresh button for busy lives

It’s been said by many that adventure is good for the soul. Which means it’s good for US – like broccoli, except more fun …

I’ve always fancied myself an adventurer. As a kid I used to dream of conquering icy peaks, braving stormy seas, hacking my way through murky jungles. But something has always held me back. At heart, I’m a scaredy-cat …

58 ROUNDING THE HORN

HERB-CRUSTED SALMON ON GREEN RICE

Page 32

Mankind’s need to compete in sports goes back to that fateful prehistoric day when a primitive man first picked up a club and a primitive ball, tossed the ball aloft, then whomped the club into the sloping forehead of a primitive umpire …

54 CHOOSING A NEAR-FATAL SPORT

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• Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

• All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices and large red readouts so you know exactly when they’re going to go off.

• A detective can only solve a case once he’s been suspended from duty.

• If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

• When they’re alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

THE PERFECT DIET:Concerned about his weight, a large Irishman goes to his doctor for some advice. The doctor recommends a diet: “I want you to eat vegetables and grains for two days, then skip a day, and keep repeating this procedure through the coming month. Next time I see you, you should’ve lost at least five kilos.”

When the man returns, the doctor is shocked: his patient has lost more than 20kgs!

“That’s amazing!” claims the doctor. “Did you follow my instructions carefully?”

The Irishman nodded. “I’ll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day.”

“From hunger, you mean?”“No, from skipping!”

THINGS YOU WOULD NEVER KNOW WITHOUT HOLLYWOOD:• You’re likely to survive any battle in

any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

• The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

• A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

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SKIPPING YOUR DIET & BEAN REGRETS

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actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas pilots (marked with a P) plus the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.–––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––P: Test flight okay, except auto-land very rough.S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.–––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––P: Something loose in cockpit.S: Something tightened in cockpit.–––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––P: Dead bugs on windshield.S: Live bugs on back-order.–––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.S: Evidence removed.–––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––P: DME volume unbelievably loud.S: DME volume set to more believable level.–––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

GROAN #1Whoever invented knock-knock jokes should get a no-bell prize …

GROAN #2Energizer Bunny Arrested: Charged with battery.

OH DEAR …The airplane’s pilot came on the PA to make an announcement to the passen-gers: “This is your captain speaking. We have lost one engine and we will be 20 minutes late landing.”

A bit later: “This is your captain speaking again. We have lost another engine and we will be 40 minutes late landing.”

A bit later still - and in a somewhat agitated voice: “This is your captain

WOGGLING’S THE WORD!To answer a question that (much to our disappointment) not one of you has ever rung up and asked us: the greatest number of woggle-hops performed in one hour is 138 – by David Ackroyd, aged 22, of Chesterfield, England, on November 16, 1962.

The art of woggle-hopping – vaulting over letterboxes, for those of you who’ve never tried it – originated in South York-shire in the 1940s and is still a popular pastime to this very day. The greatest number of woggle-hops achieved in one minute is eight, by Herbert Walker of Sheffield.

Wanna know more? Ring now!

WHAT’S FOR DINNER?Child at dinner table: “Are caterpillars good to eat?”Parent: “No. Why would you ask a ques-tion like that?”Child: “Well, there was one in your salad, but it’s gone now.”

PILOTS VS MECHANICS:After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form called a ‘Gripe Sheet’ – which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the prob-lems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the Gripe Sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. Here are some


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differently is a heteronym. Betcha didn’t know that!• The bandage was wound around the

wound. • The farm was used to produce produce. • The dump was so full that it had to

refuse more refuse. • We must polish the Polish furniture.• He could lead if he would get the lead out. • The soldier decided to desert his

dessert in the desert. • Since there is no time like the present,

he thought it was time to present the present.

• When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

ONLY IN AMERICA:Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles, California won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbour ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently didn’t notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbour’s hubcaps!

BEAN THERE DONE THAT:During lunch at work last week, I ate a large serving of baked beans. (I knew I shouldn’t, but they’re one of my favourite quick-snacks.) When I got home, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly: “Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight.” He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat, and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the phone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned, and went to answer the call.

The baked beans I’d consumed were

speaking again. We have lost another engine and we will be an hour late landing.”

One passenger said to another passenger, “I hope we don’t lose the last engine or we’ll be up here all night.”

GROAN #3I put my Grandma on speed dial. I call that Instagran.

FAIRY FUNNY:A couple, both of them 60 years old, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniver-sary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant when, suddenly, a tiny, beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, “For being such an exemplary couple and loving each other through all these years, I will grant you each one wish.”

The wife thought for a moment and answered, “Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.”

The fairy waved her magic wand and – POOF! – two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband considered his options: “Well, we’re all feeling very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I’m sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife who is 30 years younger than me.”

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish!

So the fairy waved her magic wand and – POOF! – the husband became 90 years old!

HOMOGRAPHS & HETERONYMS:Homographs are words of like spelling but with more than one meaning. A homograph that is also pronounced


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My face must’ve been the picture of innocence when my husband returned. He apologised for taking so long, and asked if I had peaked through the blind-fold. I happily assured him I had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold … and 12 dinner guests seated around the table, with their hands to their noses, chorused: “Happy birthday!”

I just wanted to die.

beginning to affect me, and I could feel the pressure building. So while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportu-nity, shifted my weight and passed wind. It was louder than I intended, but thank-fully hubby was deep in conversation in the other room. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other leg, I released some more pressure, fanning the air again and hoping the smell would not be noticed.

Those naughty baked beans weren’t done with me yet. And for several more minutes, while keeping my ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on passing wind and easing the pressure. I don’t think I’ve ever been so noisy before in my life, but ohh the relief!

Eventually, the telephone farewells signalled the end of my freedom, so I quickly fanned the air a few more times, placed my napkin back on my lap, and folded my hands on it – feeling rather pleased with myself.Il

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GROAN #4The other day I held the door open for a clown. It was a nice jester.

FACEBOOK FOR DUMMIES:For those of my generation who do not use and cannot comprehend why Facebook exists: I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same prin-ciples. Therefore, every day I walk down the street and tell passers-by what I have eaten, how I feel at the moment, what I have done the night before, what I will do later, and with whom.

I give them pictures of my family, my cat Chevy, and of me gardening, taking things apart in the garage, watering the lawn, standing in front of landmarks, driving around town, having lunch, and

doing what anybody and every-body does every day.

I also listen to their conver-sations, give them the ‘thumbs-up’ and tell them I like them.

And it works just like Facebook. I already have four

people following me: two police officers, a private investigator, and a psychiatrist.


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EL NIÑOwherefore art thou?

water the garden, and the cows have got grass coming out of their ears.

My kids have made huge progress in their surfing … although I’ve had to spend megabucks getting dings repaired in their boards.

So, what can we learn from this? I’ve got no idea, except there’s always

good with bad – and, when someone benefits, someone (or something) else often suffers. Which, while a little profound, isn’t that earth-shattering.

What is earth-shattering, however, is this new mag! And the fact that there’s a 45-55% chance that your life may or may not be changed from reading it!

So sit back, relax, and enjoy the mag while basking in the hot sun. Or rain.

LATEST FIGURES FROM THE INTERNATIONAL CLIMATE CHANGE PANEL OF GURUS SUGGEST THAT THERE’S A 35-65% CHANCE THAT THE EARTH IS NOW COOLING, AND THAT SEA LEVELS MAY OR MAY NOT RISE.

I READ A WEATHER FORECAST recently that left me scratching my head. It was in a prominent news-

paper written by prominent national fore-casters. It was a weather prediction for the North Island (from memory) and read something like this:

“There is a 45-55% chance of a drier than usual March.” Or words to that effect.

Umm … okay. So, in other words, there’s a 50% chance it’ll be dry … or wet. Fifty-fifty. Talk about covering your bases! Maybe it’s a reaction to the fore-casted El Niño we’re supposed to be in the middle of? For us over on the east coast of the Coromandel, an El Niño means hot and dry with relentless sou-westerlies that leave our usually green hills brown and parched. It also means fantastic beach weather for holidaymakers – which is great for local businesses in our small resort town.

It also usually means consistently small surf – which is why I splashed out and had a long-board made, thinking I’d be grov-elling in knee-high waves all summer.

However, the reality couldn’t have been more different. Lots of rain made camping and beach-life less than ideal, and many local retailers and campgrounds have had a shocker. The flipside is that we’ve had consistently good surf, haven’t had to


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by Tracy Carter

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look – there’s no need to yell!(the Tale of the Orange Rhino … )

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Mum: “Zach, I asked you 10 minutes ago to get off the computer and clean up the lounge – and you haven’t moved!”Zach: “Yeah, hang on … I’m just finishing this game”

Mum: “Are you serious? You’re telling ME to HANG ON?!”Zach: “Aw … but Mum, you said …”

Mum: “I said NOTHING, except to get off that stupid computer and clean up the lounge before dinner! WHY CAN’T YOU SIMPLY DO WHAT I ASK?! I WORK MY BUTT OFF AROUND HERE FOR YOU KIDS – AND YOU JUST SIT THERE DOING NOTHING, EXPECTING ME TO RUN AROUND AFTER YOU! WELL, I’M NOT YOUR SLAVE! CLEAN UP THE DAMN LOUNGE – AND WHEN YOU’VE FINISHED DINNER, YOU CAN GO STRAIGHT TO BED!!”

Y ELLING! IT’S SOMETHING nearly all parents resort to at least some of the time … and, in many

homes, most of the time. But do we ever stop and ask ourselves:

Is yelling good? Does it actually work?And what effect does it have on the

yeller – and the yellee?Well, recent studies show that yelling at

children can be just as harmful to their emotional wellbeing as physical violence. Yelling raises cortisol levels (the stress hormone) – and kids who are regularly yelled at suffer from higher rates of anxiety and depression. They display greater levels of aggression than those whose parents keep their cool.

But it affects the yeller too …Someone who knows first-hand how

easy it is to yell at your kids is Sheila McCraith – a.k.a. ‘The Orange Rhino’. A habitual yeller, she knew she wanted to

change. So, a few years ago she set herself the challenge to go 365 days straight without yelling at her kids (which she did!). Along the way, she mentored a community of parents, enriched her rela-tionship with her own four young boys, and gained insights into (i) why yelling becomes a habit, and (ii) how to change that habit.

She also ended up writing a book about the whole thing, Yell Less, Love More.

We thought this was all pretty inspiring. So, after a few emails back and forth, we pencilled ourselves into her schedule for a chat about how to move from LOUD PARENTING to, well, something gentler …GRAPEVINE: What inspired you to set this goal – to go a whole year without yelling?SHEILA: We were at the end of doing renovations on our house, and one of the workers was still inside, although I didn’t

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realise it. During the nine months that construction had been going on, I had barely yelled – because the builders were around, and I was concerned about what these men might think of me and my parenting! But here they were out of the house – or so I thought – and suddenly I was caught red-handed, yelling at my kids.

WHO’S IMPORTANT HERE?In the middle of that embarrassing

moment I realised something:

MY KIDS are my most important

audience – THEY’RE the ones whose

opinion matters the most – and I

should be more concerned about the

impression I’m making on THEM!

GV: So you started ‘the Orange Rhino Challenge’. What’s the story behind that name?SHEILA: When I challenged myself to quit yelling, I wanted a symbol – some-thing that would remind me to stay on-track, and also something that would help me remain anonymous (because I was blogging about my experience). My boys were five and under at the time. One day, as I was getting all the kids buckled into the minivan, my oldest son screamed in my face. I responded, “Hey, if I can’t yell, then surely the same goes for you?” He had his finger up his nose (as kids often do), and he said, “Okay, I can’t yell at you … but I can still pick my nose!”

I had to laugh. Later, I looked up ‘nose’ out of curiosity, and that led to ‘rhino’. When you look up ‘rhino’ you read that it’s “a naturally calm animal that charges when provoked”, – and if that doesn’t

sum up parenting, then I don’t know what does! We all hope to be calm, but when we’re provoked or stressed, we often ‘charge’ with our words.

I decided that the rhino was the perfect symbol – but I didn’t want to be a charging grey rhino, so I changed the colour to orange. To me, orange is such a positive colour, and it symbolises energy and determination – both of which I figured I’d need to reach my goal. GV: The challenge is to go a full year without yelling, right? What else does it involve?SHEILA: My personal goal was 365 consecutive days of no yelling, but I really define the challenge as ‘choosing to yell less and love more.’ The goal, really, is balance. You just want more loving moments so that the yelling moments (which are going to happen, because we’re human!) aren’t what stand out in our kids’ minds.

I encourage everyone to create both a big goal and smaller goals. For one person their big goal might be going a month straight without yelling; for someone else it might be only yelling once a day. No goal’s better than any other – anyone who’s setting a goal and going after it is making progress, and that’s what matters.

SMALLER GOALS HELP, TOO:Even though my big goal was 365

consecutive days without yelling, it

helped to just think of the smaller

goals: ‘I just have to get through

the next hour,’ or ‘I just need to get

through dinner, and then the kids

have some TV time so it’ll be quiet

and I can catch my breath.’

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Those small successes have a snowball effect: as you have more and more posi-tive moments, you can then upgrade to an even bigger goal.GV: Okay. Let’s say we’re at that point where we’re ready to quit yelling. What’s the first step?SHEILA: The first step is to share that goal with others. Telling others builds accountability and it makes it real. And the response is often really positive. People realise, sometimes for the first time, that they’re not the only ones strug-gling with this. And that in itself helps people to yell less.

So, step one is to tell others so you have support and accountability. Then, start tracking your triggers …GV: Triggers? What are they?

SHEILA: It’s really just what sets you off. An example from my own life is clutter – when things are messy and cluttered, I get anxious and uptight. Another thing that triggers a lot of parents and gets them into the yelling zone is when their kids don’t listen to them. Kids fighting, kids being too loud, kids complaining about what’s for dinner – all those things can set you off and get you to that place where you just start yelling.GV: So some triggers are common to most parents, but others are quite individual?SHEILA: Absolutely. No matter how many kids you’ve got or what combina-tion of boys/girls and ages, there are always some things that pretty much all parents struggle with. But a big ‘aha’ moment for me was realising that it’s not

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only my children that trigger me. Some-times I’m just not in a good place and everything’s setting me off! And, often, stuff that’s going on in my own life brings me to a point where I can’t tolerate what the kids are doing.

I think a lot of parents have their own personal triggers. And, when they’re set off, their kid might be doing some-thing that’s actually pretty normal – but the parent’s ability to respond calmly is greatly diminished.GV: How does it help to know what our triggers are?SHEILA: Once people have spent a few days noticing why and when they’re yelling, they can then create a plan to deal with their key ‘hot points’. For example, I know that my house being messy is a trigger for me, so one way I combat that is to make sure that every night I just take 10 minutes to do a little bit of picking-up.

Some triggers aren’t as obvious. Let’s say your child struggles with school, and homework is a nightly battle (for both of you) because he doesn’t want to do it. One thing I’d suggest is to go through that scene in your head beforehand so that you can practise how you’re going to respond to it. Having a plan before the trigger occurs helps you be ready so you can avoid yelling.GV: Your four boys have been alongside you in this whole journey. How has the challenge affected their behaviour?SHEILA: All my kids use the Orange Rhino techniques – they’ve watched and learned. The other day I was getting more and more frustrated with the computer when I was trying to help my nine-year-old with something, and

he said, “Mum, take a deep breath! Count to 10!” I burst out laughing and thought, “He’s totally Orange Rhino-ing me!” And when my five-and-a-half-year-old saw me getting agitated recently he suggested I go find a stress ball and squeeze it. They really get how these techniques work.

They’ve also learned – along with me – about the value of perspective. You can use perspective to ground you and realise what’s not worth yelling over.

TEACHING TECHNIQUESA really helpful phrase to use is

“At least…” For example: “Okay,

he spilled milk on the floor – but

at least the glass didn’t break.”

Something bad will happen and

my four-year-old will say, “Well,

at least …” When you share a

technique like this with your kids

you’re really teaching them.

I think it’s awesome that my boys

are becoming aware of perspective and learning how to manage their emotions. It’s important to get those messages in early. If I’m honest, they’ve learned some poor anger-management skills from me in the past, and I’m trying very hard to reverse that trend. GV: So, it’s had a positive effect?SHEILA: They’re still kids – they’re not perfect. And we have our own challenges. But, in general, the whole house has been calmer. I’ve been more relaxed. There have been more loving moments. I’ve had more fun with my kids. And when I’m at my best, they respond faster if I ask them to do things. The tantrums are shorter. Everything’s just a little more positive.

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And, of course, the way that I’m seeing them talk about ways to calm down … that’s a huge win.GV: Let’s say you’re having a bad day, and the kids seem to be winding you up delib-erately … what do you do then?SHEILA: What I really try to do is walk away and take a breath – making it clear that I’m not leaving them, but just saying, “I need a break right now so that I can respond kindly.” I talk about what I’m doing in the hope that they can learn how to handle a situation when they become frustrated, too.

Sometimes I count in my head to calm myself down. I just try not to erupt. And, when I have enough willpower or mental/emotional reserves, I’ll try to lighten the mood with a little joke.GV: So instead of mentally preparing ourselves for battle, we can purposefully steer ourselves into a more peaceful zone?SHEILA: Absolutely! I do a lot of that – reminding myself to handle things peacefully, or telling myself to walk away from conflicts. I talk myself through it. I joke that there’s a little orange rhino in my head going, “No, no, don’t do that!” It helps a lot to listen to that little orange rhino.GV: Any other effective techniques to keep from yelling?SHEILA: I always make the point on my blog that I’m not a professional – I’m just a mum who’s figured some stuff out. But I’ve read a lot about this. Studies show that visual reminders really help the brain achieve certain behaviours. And I’ve learned a lot of visual techniques that help me stay on track, like using the colour orange as a visual cue.

HELP FROM THE ORANGE RHINOFor instance, I put orange Post-It

notes with little positive messages

around the house to remind me

not to yell during the morning rush

or at mealtimes. Sometimes I even

dress myself or my boys in orange!

In actual fact, having orange things

around really works as a mental cue

to yell less.

It’s just like the red of stop signs: red means stop. And the colour orange has become a simple but powerful symbol for ‘yell less’.

The important thing with visual reminders is to change them often so they don’t just become part of the background.GV: Earlier you mentioned your son reminding you to ease your frustration with a squeeze ball. Are there other phys-ical things we can do to keep from yelling and bellowing at our kids?SHEILA: There are loads of them. My son’s in occupational therapy and I’ve learned a lot about how to send your body those signals that calm you and release tension. There are lots of things you can use – even things you can find in the kitchen! You can grab a tea-towel and wring it or pull it apart a bit … or a sponge and clean the benchtop – that motion can be very soothing! Vacuuming and that feeling of pushing something heavy can also have a calming effect.GV: Some of us could end up with really clean houses!SHEILA: I sure did! There are other things you can do, too. Like splashing water on your face, or gently pulling on your fingers – think of the relaxing things a beautician does when she gives you

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a hand-massage. I’ve even done push-ups! We can’t just go off on a 10km run while our kids are home – but we can do star-jumps.

I started doing silly stuff like that. And I found that when I have fun with it I can turn things around for both me and my kids. Either they end up joining me in a silly sport session and reset their own bad moods through exercise – or they start laughing at me and get that benefit. Either way, it’s a win!GV: How about verbal techniques that parents can use when they feel a yell bubbling up?SHEILA: There are a few things you can repeat to yourself. Like, “It’s not you – it’s

me!” That comes back to identifying my triggers and owning the fact that some-times my yelling has nothing to do with my child. It’s simply me and my bad mood. It allows me to refocus my anger where it belongs instead of at the kids.

Saying your kid’s age is another great reminder to keep things in perspective. And, of course, I’ve taught my children to say, “Orange Rhino!” to remind me not to get to that place where I yell.

Sometimes our kids know better than we do when we’re getting worked up.

We also need to make sure we’re being kind and encouraging to ourselves in our self-talk: “I can do this. I’m not messing up. I’m not a bad mum, I’m a good mum trying really hard …”GV: What’s the worst thing about parents who’re in the habit of yelling?SHEILA: There are plenty of drawbacks. Firstly, yelling escalates any situation – it makes things worse. It’s more difficult to really communicate. And it means fewer loving moments, which is definitely a negative. When parents yell it teaches our children that we don’t know how to manage anger.

When I thought about becoming a mum I thought about all the lessons I’d teach my kids – how to hold the door open, how to say “please” and “thank you”. But I never thought about the lesson of anger management.GV: Probably because most of us never had anger-management problems before we had kids!SHEILA: That’s the truth! But even putting aside the scientific data about the negative effects of yelling, we all know that when people yell at us, it just doesn’t feel good.

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THE VICIOUS CYCLEWhen we’re going around screaming

at our kids it isn’t teaching them

how to deal with their frustrations

successfully. And, in terms of myself,

I feel bad – I feel awful when I yell!

It’s not how I want to behave, and

it’s not how I want to treat people.

So when I resort to yelling, it negatively affects my view of myself as a parent. And it just keeps spiralling downwards: I yell … it makes me feel worse … and then I’m in a bad mood and more likely to yell again. GV: How strict do you have to be with yourself when you’re doing the challenge? And what if you yell when it’s a matter of safety, like when your child’s headed off the footpath into traffic?SHEILA: It doesn’t count against you in the challenge as long as you’re just using a loud voice to get attention – that’s not yelling to shame or scold or be mean or angry. And you need to follow up with a calm voice and talk to them so that they’ll learn the lesson.

One of the benefits of not yelling is that when there’s a true emergency and we yell, we’re heard! When we yell habit-ually, the kids ignore us. I’ve had to use an emergency yell several times, and it works – it’s so much more powerful now that I’m not yelling all the time. GV: What about other non-angry yelling, like shouting to our kids in another room to come for dinner?SHEILA: Well, you can do it if you want, but I’d warn you: it’ll eventually set off a ‘proper’ yell! You yell for them to come – then they yell back – and pretty soon everyone’s yelling! It quickly gets to be too much from a sensory standpoint, and it

becomes easy to lose your cool. The more we can stay calm, the better.GV: If we can’t raise our voices, how can we get our kids to listen and to under-stand that we’re really serious?SHEILA: It may be easier to yell, but it’s not better! You need to say what you mean and then stick to it. One thing I try to do is make sure that I get my kid’s attention. If I need to I’ll go over to them and get down on their level so I have eye-contact. I make sure they’re focusing, then I tell them once – and that’s it. It’s the ‘one and done’ rule. I don’t keep going on and on about something – because then they learn to ignore me.

I also use the phrase ‘when and then’: “When you’ve picked up your toys, then you can watch TV.” But even with this, the environment needs to be right if kids are going to listen well. If your kids are in the middle of a game and you interrupt it, they’re not going to listen immediately. So you really need to say, “Are you ready to stop? Tell me when I’ve got your attention … okay, you’re listening. I need you to …” I’ve got a much better chance of getting their cooperation that way than if I just barge in and interrupt their game.

I’ve learned that my kids all listen differ-ently. With one of my boys, I just have to ask him once and wait half a minute without nagging him, and he’ll do what I’m asking. If I nag or remind him he just shuts down.GV: How has the Orange Rhino Challenge changed your life?SHEILA: I’m really grateful for it. It’s taught me how to calm down and how to find perspective. Being able to find perspective is such a huge tool in life – especially when you’re handed a few challenges! Ironically enough, ever since


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CHECK OUT SHEILA’S WEBSITE –THEORANGERHINO.COM – FOR MORE INFO, INCLUDING SOME AMAZING RESOURCES FOR THOSE WHO WANT TO TAKE UP THE CHALLENGE TO YELL LESS AND LOVE MORE.

I figured out how to yell less, life has thrown curveball after curveball at me – and yet I’ve been much better equipped to handle the stress.

SEEING IMPROVEMENTSWhen I’m in a stressful situation, I

now know how to think it through

and how to fix it. I now know how to

identify and deal with my triggers. And

once you figure out how to change

the things that affect your mood like

that, life just becomes more fun.

I dwell on things less – when something bad happens I don’t sit and think about it forever and let it ruin my day – I’m letting go faster. I have more positive interactions with my kids, and with others. Even from the beginning stages of the challenge I felt so much more at peace.

The Orange Rhino Challenge showed me that I can do hard things, which I’m really proud of. Also, it introduced me to many people around the world. It amazes me to be part of a community where we’re all somewhat vulnerable, sharing some-thing we struggle with, and supporting each other – it’s a beautiful thing.

GV: What would you like to say to all of us would-be non-yellers?SHEILA: At the end of the day, it’s about yelling less and loving more – it’s about having more loving moments in the bank. AND YOU CAN DO IT! It might take longer than you hope, but every day you get up with the determination to try, and you reflect more about why you used to yell. Every yelling moment is an oppor-tunity to learn about what your triggers are – you have to look at yourself as a student of yelling – you’re learning about what works and what doesn’t. And by acknowledging that, the next day you’ll do a little bit better.

You will get there! And when you do, it feels so amazing. It’s worth the hard work.

WHAT DO YOU THINK? HAVE YOUR SAY!GO TO GRAPEVINE’S FACEBOOK PAGE. SHARE YOUR POINT-OF-VIEW AND READ WHAT OTHERS RECKON.



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• Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.

• Giraffes can live without water for longer than camels.

• The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.

• A large biscuit has the same calories as three-and-a-half fruit buns.

• Americans collectively check their phones eight billion times each day.

• A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

• You’ll spend an average of six months of your life waiting at red lights.

• Next time you’re dog-sledding with a pack of huskies, try to remember: it’s “gee” for right and “haw” for left.

• The Corinth Canal in Greece was started by Roman Emperor Nero in AD67 and not completed until 1893.

• There hasn’t been a confirmed death by spider-bite in Australia since 1979. All spider-related deaths have been a result of being scared by spiders when doing stuff like driving the car or reading a magazine. Like now.

• Seven percent of cat-owners who read this list will attempt to check their cat’s ears and count the number of muscles.

Sudoku Medium (solutions page 66)

Word Search – Adventure (solutions page 66)

3 8

1 7 5 8

5 2 3 7

7 6 5

5 9 4

8 9 4 7

2 5 1 9

3 5 1

9 2 7

How To Play: Fill in the grid so that every row, every column, and every 3x3 box contains the numbers 1 through 9.

Grapevine 1/2016 – Grapepuzzles

WORDSEARCH – ADVENTURE (SOLUTION PAGE 66)

A N A T U R E A G M E G F V H C S D C L M U M N O F O K J P V H S Q V D M H I U I Z A O I M C A A K O E S T N N R L A Y X H N L P L Y U N T K M A P I M I M N L M S B U A T O P O G R A P H Y E O J H I E B U D J X V B A Y P N C Y N K I G S R O O D T U O A G B S C V T L X B E B M I L C D E W O V M F T A N E Y U O F R D M P Y H Y A W B G D F H W X O L O I U I I R Z C N M S T Q F L E X

SOLUTION


ADVENTURECOMPASSTOPOGRAPHYMAP

grape

puzzles

NATUREHIKERAFTPADDLE

HUNTINGCHALLENGEBUSHMOUNTAINS

OUTDOORSBIVVYCLIMBPOCKET KNIFE


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outback town in Australia. He’d run away from home in Brisbane in the 1920’s, and had made a wilderness retreat out of an overturned water tank.

During his years of self-exile in the outback, Roger had married an Aborig-inal lady called Maggie. When she passed away he married her sister, Biddy. Then, sometime in the late 1950s, a strong wind knocked over just about every building in the town – and what the winds didn’t destroy, termites started to devour.

And so, under the light of a kerosene

GREAT UNCLE ROGER

I’VE OFTEN WONDERED WHERE my rebellious old-codger streak comes from. And I recently found

a clue. I was searching through the mem-oirs of my dearly departed mother, and came across her musings about a top geezer to whom I’m related. From her journal I quickly grasped the fact that my Great Uncle Roger had faced a dilemma:

He wanted to read as many books as he could before the town library got eaten!

Roger, you see, was the last curator of the little library in Borroloola – a remote


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lantern, Roger (with his evening cocktail of methylated spirits) frantically absorbed the works of Shakespeare, and as many other eminent writers as he could, before the termites made it to the literature section.

Roger, you see, was one of three colourful hermits who inhabited Borrol-oola when David Attenborough visited the town on a filming trip in the late 60s. As I recall, one of the hermits repelled most would-be visitors with a shotgun. But not Great Uncle Roger. He was an avuncular, weather-beaten bloke with a bushy white beard – which Attenborough

ROB HARLEY IS ONE OF NEW ZEALAND’S TOP DOCUMENTARY MAKERS, AN AUTHOR, AND A HIGHLY INSPIRATIONAL SPEAKER. HE’S A WORLD RENOWNED STORY-TELLER, A SOMETIMES HARLEY-DAVIDSON RIDER AND A GREAT KIWI BLOKE.

Someone opined that, had Roger walked, unvarnished, onto the stage in a production of Treasure Island as Ben Gunn, one would have thought that the make-up

crew had gone over the top.

words, as if they were precious stones. The Bard’s works sated him somewhat, but he also developed a taste for the poets, Omar Kayyam and the Bible.

“Don’t you ever find the loneliness overpowering?” Roger was once asked?

“How can I be lonely,” he had softly replied “… with God, and old Omar, and the Immortal Bill.”

As I observed at the outset, I sus-pected that a study of the Great Uncle I never knew might yield

some clues as to my middle-age propen-sity to go vagabond whenever I can on a snarly old Harley.

described as being of ‘patriarchal propor-tions’. Roger was later described by one reporter as ‘a gentleman in hiding’.

His diet included crows, turtles, brolgas [a large grey crane] and hawks he had caught. He wore a strange peaked hat, not unlike a French legionnaire’s cap, but made to his own design from pandanus fibres. The arms of his shirts had been cut off at the shoulders, his trousers trimmed just below the knee.

Someone opined that, had Roger walked, unvarnished, onto the stage in a production of Treasure Island as Ben Gunn, one would have thought that the make-up crew had gone over the top.

As Roger had busied himself with reading the great works before the termites burst through from the Australian History section, he stored away in his memory the great writers’ fine

Like Roger, these last few years have aroused in me a passion for words and great writing. I relish the chance to trade sonnets with other ageing reprobates, and a decent live recording of Richard Burton reading Dylan Thomas’ Fern Hill can – with apologies to Jagger – make a grown man cry.

The termites are nibbling away at the borders. In my case, the bugs consume not books, but available time. And I need to clear away some clutter.

But the one habit of Roger’s that this old geezer won’t be emulating is the nightcap of methylated spirits!


by Mike Cooney

a refresh button for busy lives

microadventures:

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“Adventure is a loose word … a spirit of trying something new, trying something difficult, going somewhere different, leaving your comfort zone. Above all, adventure is about enthusiasm, ambition, open-mindedness and curiosity …

“Adventure’ is not only crossing deserts and climbing mountains. Adventure can be found everywhere, every day, and it is up to us to seek it out.”

(Alistair Humphreys – ‘Microadventures’)

It’s been said by many that adven-ture is good for the soul. Which means it’s good for US – like broc-

coli, except more fun. Studies have shown that human brains are hardwired for adventure, and when we make unfamiliar choices, our brains reward us by releasing dopamine – a key neurotransmitter pro-moting positive emotions. In other words, we are happier people when we participate in unusual, exciting or daring activities.

And here’s something really interesting: new experiences can change how we view time. When we embrace new adventures, we’re interrupting our everyday flow and how fast time seems to fly … which can be a good thing. Says neuroscientist, David Eagleman:

“This explains why we think that time speeds up as we grow older – why child-hood summers seem to go on forever, while old age slips by while we’re dozing. The more familiar the world becomes, the less information your brain writes down, and the more quickly time seems to pass.”

Take your ‘bucket list’ for example. I can almost guarantee it’s not filled with


adventure[ədˈvɛntʃə]noun: 1. an unusual and exciting or

daring experience2. participation in exciting

undertakings or enterprises3. a bold, usually risky under-

taking; hazardous action of uncertain outcome

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the familiar and mundane. No, just the opposite. I bet it’s topped by new and exciting experiences … new places to visit, new excursions to go on, new activities to try … which in turn provides new infor-mation for your brain to record. And then?

Time. Slows. Down. In a good way.So what’s stopping you? Why aren’t

you breaking out of your busyness (or boredom) and embracing adventure? Maybe it’s lack of time, or a lack of funds, or a shortage of skills and fitness – which are all legitimate reasons, if your bucket list contains things like ‘Climb Mt Everest’ or ‘Kayak the length of the Amazon’. However, the reality is, none of these things need hold you back from refreshing your soul …

Enter the MICROADVENTURE.

First coined by British adventurer and author, Alastair Humphreys, microadventures are simple chal-

lenges and expeditions which are close to home, affordable and easy to organise. Ideas and activities that are designed to get people ‘out there’ and off the couch. They may not be the multi-day, epic jour-ney we think of when talking adventures, but they’re adventures none-the-less. And they have the same benefits. All you need is a wee bit of kit, a few ideas, and willing-ness to start.

That’s right. You simply need to START!

The possibilities are as endless as your ability to let your mind wander and your imagination to get carried away. You’ll need some gear: warm, waterproof clothes, a torch, food and water. And if you’re planning to stay out (which you must!) a sleeping bag, mat and shelter. For shelter, you may want to use a bivvy bag,

or if you’re travelling by vehicle, a swag is a great option. For a real Kiwi experience, simply use a fly or a cheap tarp.

The point is, it needn’t be expensive. And, more-than-likely, you’ll have most things already. So, now that you’ve got your kit sorted, it’s time to get planning.

Fortunately, New Zealand has some of the most accessible wild places in the world – we’re not known as the adventure capital of the world for nothing! Finding somewhere shouldn’t be difficult. Grab a map and start imagining. Oh, and make sure you invite a friend, take your kids or entice your wife along. You’ll all be better off because of it!

And, if you don’t know where to start, try one of these …

Nine Microadventures To Try This Weekend:

1. FOLLOW A RIVER TO ITS SOURCE

How to do it: Here in little ol’ Enzed, we’re blessed with an abundance of rivers. Find one with a track running alongside and see if you can find your river’s trickling source. A good topo map is your friend here – or jump onto the DOC website and have a look around. In Auckland, for example, try the Waitakere or Hunua Ranges. There are heaps of streams!For the more adventurous: Camp at the source. Take a dip in the river. Search for koura or eels at night.

2. CLIMB THE HIGHEST POINT IN YOUR AREA

How to do it: Use a local topo map to find a hill or high peak within 20kms from your house. Once chosen, start climbing


it. Make sure you arrive in time to set up your shelter. Then sit (preferably with a loved one) and watch the sun set.For the more adventurous: Walk or bike from home to the start of your peak. Take a bottle of wine, good food and your partner to add a little romance. Or if you’re single, grab a bunch of mates!

3. GO STARGAZINGHow to do it: Choose a clear night (check the forecast) and head somewhere away from city lights. Download a ‘stargazing’ app (like ‘Star Walk’) and see how many constellations, stars and planets you can find. Keep an eye out for satellites and UFO’s before falling asleep under their brilliance.

For the more adventurous: Hitchhike or cycle, fly or drive to Lake Tekapo, ranked as one of the best spots in the world for star-gazing. It’s part of the Aoraki Mackenzie Dark Sky Reserve, which means special light-bulbs and shields are used in the towns to preserve the night sky.

4. WATCH A SUNRISE FROM THE COAST

How to do it: Armed with little more than your sleeping bag and fly, pick a remote coastal spot on a local map and aim for it. Settle down for the night and wake to watch dawn break over the ocean. NOTE: The sun rises from the east, so make sure you pick the right coast!


For the more adventurous: Find a spot that faces east and west, and watch the sun set at dusk and rise again at dawn. The Pinnacles in the Coromandel are a great place to do this.

5. STAY IN A DOC HUTHow to do it: These huts range from modern-day double-glazed luxury (so to speak) to 1950s-built shelters with dirt floors. Choose the hut nearest to where you live, set out early and attempt to reach it before dark. Then cook a mean feed, choose a bunk for the night, and finish off the evening with a game of cards and a drink of your choice. Even better if you can share it with friends or family.For the more adventurous: Make a full weekend of it, and stay in a different hut each night.

6. RIDE A LOCAL CYCLE TRAIL IN THE DARK

How to do it: With the huge increase in mountain-bike trails throughout the country, finding one shouldn’t be diffi-cult. It could be a track you ride often – but this time, do it after dark with a couple of mates. You’ll need good lights (at least a good headlamp) and a great attitude. Maybe take a thermos of hot chocolate with you when you leave. Just watch out for the boogie monsters …


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For the more adventurous: Do it without lights. Nah, just kidding! Do it by yourself.

7. TRY HITCHHIKINGHow to do it: While hitchhiking has declined a little over the years, it’s still a great way to travel. You can either pick a destination and see if you can make it, or travel as far as you can with a single passing car. When you arrive, explore the area before hitchhiking home.For the more adventurous: Try a ‘jail-break’ hitchhike. Give yourself a full 24 hours to make it as far as possible from your starting point.

8. CATCH A TRAIN SOMEWHERE NEW AND CYCLE BACK

How to do it: Buy a train-ticket to a place you’ve never visited before (don’t forget your bike), have an explore, visit a café, and then make your way home again on two wheels.For the more adventurous: Make it an overnighter.

9. GO SKINNY DIPPINGHow to do it: New Zealand is surrounded by water – both outside and in. Find a remote river, water-hole, lake, beach or waterfall – and take a dip wearing nothing but your smile. All you need is a little courage and a quick check to ensure no one else is around. If there is, have a pair of togs as a backup.For the more adventurous: If possible, do a ‘manu’ (bomb) in the deepest part. Make sure you yell “Maaanuuuuu!!!” as you leap in.

So there you have it. If you’re too tired, too broke, too busy, too stressed or too unfit for a big adven-

ture, then a microadventure is what you need. Climb a hill, jump in a river, sleep under the stars.

Just push that refresh button now!

THANKS TO ALASTAIR HUMPHREYS FOR INSPIRATION. TO FIND OUT MORE, GET HOLD OF HIS BOOK MICROADVENTURES – OR VISIT WWW.ALASTAIRHUMPHREYS.COM


by Julia and Libby Matthews

H E A L T H | W E L L N E S S | B E A U T Y

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F.HERB-CRUSTED SALMON

ON GREEN RICEWith salmon being a staple in our house-hold, we wanted to create a different way to enjoy it. Chopped walnuts and herbs are a great source of healthy omega-3 fatty acids, and complement the salmon beautifully.

SALMON:1 organic egg

½ cup walnuts, finely chopped

1 cup almond meal

½ cup finely chopped flat-leaf parsley, plus extra to garnish

1 cup finely chopped dill

zest of 1 lemon

4 tbsp coconut oil, melted but cool

salt and pepper, to season

500g sustainably sourced salmon fillets, skin and bones removed

GREEN RICE:½ head cauliflower

½ head broccoli

JULIA & LIBBY’S

wholefood KITCHEN

Julia and Libby Matthews are sisters who love everything that nourishes the body, mind and soul. Five years ago they decided to make a change. Feeling tired and rundown, they ditched highly-processed, sugar-laden products and turned to wholefoods – foods that are closest to their natural state. Now in their first cookbook they share their favourite recipes and tips for how to keep healthy and feel great.

HERB-CRUSTED SALMON ON GREEN RICE

BERRY CHEESECAKE SLICE


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1 tsp coconut oil

3 cloves garlic, crushed

2 tsp grated fresh ginger

salt, pepper and nutmeg, to season

squeeze of lemon juice

Preheat oven to 200°C fan-bake.In a small bowl, combine egg, walnuts,

almond meal, parsley, dill, lemon zest, coconut oil, and salt and pepper.

Cover the tops of the salmon fillets with this mixture.

Place salmon fillets on an oven tray and bake for 15 minutes or until crust is lightly golden.

Meanwhile, cut cauliflower and broc-coli into chunks. Place in a food processor and gently pulse until broken down into small granules. Set aside in a bowl. If you do not have a food processor, you can grate the cauliflower and broccoli.

Heat a large frying pan over a medium heat and add coconut oil, garlic, ginger, salt, pepper and nutmeg. Cook for 2 minutes, then mix straight away with raw broccoli and cauliflower mixture in a large bowl.

Serve salmon fillets on a bed of green rice, garnished with chopped parsley and a squeeze of lemon juice.

GF // DF // WF

BERRY CHEESECAKE SLICEWith the texture of ice cream minus the refined sugars and dairy, this slice will melt in your mouth! A beautiful summer-time treat that will have you going back for more.

BASE:1 cup Medjool dates, pitted

1 cup almonds

FILLING: 3 cups raw cashews

zest and juice of 1 lemon

1 tsp vanilla bean paste

½ cup rice malt syrup

¼ cup coconut oil, melted

2 cups fresh or frozen mixed berries (blueberries, blackberries, raspberries and strawberries)

Cover cashews for the filling with water and leave to soak, either overnight or for a few hours before you need them. This makes them easier to blend later on.


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COOKBOOK DRAW! Like us on Facebook before Sunday

10 April, mention you’re entering the draw, and we’ll put your name down for one of three FREE cookbooks!

(previous winners not eligible)

From energising breakfasts, lunches and dinners, to delicious snacks and decadent desserts, the recipes are

easy to follow, free of refined sugar and most are wheat and gluten-free.

EXTRACTED FROM JULIA & LIBBY’S WHOLEFOOD KITCHEN BY JULIA AND LIBBY MATTHEWS, PUBLISHED BY PENGUIN NZ, RRP: $50.00. PHOTOGRAPHY BY LOTTIE HEDLEY.

Cover dates for the base in warm water and soak for 30 minutes.

Line a 23cm x 13cm slice tin with baking paper.

Drain dates and place in a food processor with almonds, and process until combined. Press into the base of the tin and place in the freezer to set.

Drain and rinse cashews. Place all filling ingredients except berries into the food processor and blend until smooth and creamy. Add more lemon juice if you prefer the mixture to be tart.

Layer half the filling over the base, pressing a few berries into the mixture.

Cover and place in the freezer to chill. Add remaining berries to the filling

left in the food processor and blend until smooth and creamy.

Layer this over the first layer, cover and place back in the freezer to firm up. The cheesecake will be set in a few hours. When ready to serve, cut into pieces.

Can be stored in the freezer for up to a month. Remove about half an hour before serving to allow it to soften a little.

GF // DF // WF // V

SELECTED FROM

Julia & Libby’s Wholefood Kitchen



how to be security-checked

SECURITY CHECKS ARE A cross between the police and your mother, in that they’re just

a tougher way of saying, “You’re not going through the door in THAT!”

Obviously sharp objects are no longer acceptable when travelling, and it’s now hard to see how the Swiss Army will ever fight abroad. If for some reason you forget that you’re carrying a sharp object, it will be confiscated. It’s like being back at school, except for the fact that the knives you carry are now a lot smaller.

People love having their bags

searched. It’s a mini-equivalent of starring in Through the Keyhole, where you get to display your intimate personal things to complete strangers. Some people open their bags, and the contents look as if they’ve already been thoroughly ransacked. Other people pack so neatly that just lifting the corner of one pair of underpants makes it virtually impossible to repack. Many husbands have never seen the inside of their wife’s handbag, and it can be quite distressing seeing another man giving it a good once-over.

Metal detectors are technological

by Guy Browning

how to be security-checked

confessionals. Experienced travellers know precisely, at any given moment, exactly what metal they have on their person. Theoretically this allows you to whistle through security checks. In prac-tice the person in front of you has had a number of horrific car accidents and been rebuilt from the ground up with titanium spare parts. You then have to wait while he is deconstructed and various bits of him passed through in a plastic tray.

The one thing you’re not allowed to take through security is a sense of humour. Never make jokes during your frisking about having an anti-tank weapon concealed in a remote orifice. Security personnel are trained to find anti-tank weapons in remote orifices, and will welcome the opportunity to practice their search & rescue techniques.

Occasionally as part of the checking, you’ll be singled out for frisking. Remember, it is not necessary to undress for this procedure and put your clothing in the plastic tray. Simply stand as if you were about to do a star jump. You will then be very briefly skimmed lightly all over. (This whole procedure is based on the average male idea of foreplay.)

The metal detector is the closest most people get to a truth detector and it’s amazing what you can find out. For example, you can be going through with a friend when he suddenly remembers that he’s got a 10cm steel plate in his head. This finally explains why you can never get reception on your mobile when you’re standing next to him.

© GUY BROWNING IS AUTHOR OF ‘NEVER PUSH WHEN IT SAYS PULL’ AND CREATOR OF ‘TORTOISE IN LOVE’ (DVD) – USED BY PERMISSION.

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(how to handle those angry feelings)

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Early one afternoon, in a house down the road, KIRI throws a wobbly. She’s just opened the door on her

daughter’s bedroom, and it’s a shambles: bed unmade, clothes heaped everywhere, dirty coffee mugs, a half-eaten Big Mac on the bedside table and cold chips squashed on the floor.

Kiri clenches her fists, anger boiling up. How COULD she! Why can’t her teen-ager co-operate?

“RACHEL! Come here!” she shrieks. And from the TV room comes a muffled, “What?” “Come HERE!” she shrieks again. Her daughter wanders out.

“Look at this FILTHY room!” Kiri shouts, tears in her eyes. “I’ve had a gutsful of you! I’ve asked and asked and ASKED you to clean up, but you won’t! You just sit on your lazy bum texting your stupid friends all day!”

Early one evening, in a house across town, STEVE and LYN have a heated exchange. Steve’s arrived home late

again, and Lyn greets him with a glare. “Do you know what time it is?” she spits.“Yeah, I know. The motorway was

jammed … traffic backed-up for miles.”“Sure, it’s always the same! Excuses,

excuses! You KNEW we were going out,” she snaps. “Why can’t you EVER do what you say? You are TOTALLY THOUGHTLESS!”

By now, Steve’s boiling, too. He snaps back: “Hey, don’t blame me! I didn’t make that old truck break down …” But she turns her back on him.

He storms into the bathroom and grabs his shaver. But the tape inside his head continues the argument: “… a lousy day at work, a hold-up on the way home, and now THIS! I wish I’d gone out with the BOYS – then I could’ve been REALLY late!”

Angry words. Angry thoughts. Angry people. It’s common enough. Most of us are capable

of losing it. Oh sure, in public we pretend things couldn’t be better. But in private, behind closed doors, that ideal picture can easily be spoiled:

“You make me MAD!”“You drive me NUTS!”“You get RIGHT up my nose!” “When will you …?”“Why don’t you …?”“How many MORE times …?”“You ALWAYS …!”“You NEVER …!”

Late one morning in a house near yours, a young mum, ANN, flies off the handle. She’s never had a two-year-old before, and nobody has warned her that a lively kid in wet nappies can make a grown-up so miserable!For the third time today her kitchen has been destroyed: cupboards emptied, drawers pulled out, milk spilt, raisins everywhere. And now her wee darling is eating the cat’s jellymeat!“No-no-NO! You revolting little BRAT!” she screams. “WHY do you do this?” She flings herself into a chair, sobbing in rage. “I can’t TAKE it anymore! I KNEW I wasn’t meant to be a mother,” she cries.

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Angry words. Angry thoughts. Angry people. But so long as nothing gets smashed and no-one gets bashed, what’s the problem? Won’t it just blow over?

Well, that all depends …

HIGHLY EXPLOSIVE: HANDLE WITH CARE

Anger is powerful stuff. Left untreated, it can eat holes in our relationships, smouldering in a

corner until it sparks a fire. And living amongst the burnt-out remains of a fam-ily or a friendship is no fun …

We hear a lot these days about violence on the street, violence in the home, anger that’s extreme or abusive. And we agree: that stuff ’s bad! But is ALL anger wrong? Does it really hurt to ‘let fly’ every now and then?

What do YOU think? What kind of mental image do you have of anger? Before you read on, check out the nine statements about anger in the panel below – and score each of them ‘true’ or ‘false’ or ‘sometimes’.

Then read what the experts say …

1. Anger Is Bad – We’d Be Better Off Without It:Well, not necessarily. Anger’s neither good nor bad – it’s neutral. It’s an emotion, a feeling that comes over us like other emotions – such as sadness or happiness – do. And becoming angry doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with us, any more than becoming happy does.

As with other emotions, anger is a God-given tool for survival. It lets us know that something’s not right, that something has hurt us, frustrated us or even frightened us. Anger SPEAKS UP

on our behalf. It says, “Hey, I have a right to be here, a point-of-view that should be heard. If you ignore me, brush me aside or walk over me, I’m going to stand up and fight!”

And anger PREPARES us, physically, for battle – by making us alert, pumping adrenalin into our veins, and increasing our heart-rate.

Anger is bad – we’d be better off without it. TRUE / FALSE / SOMETIMES

Men get angrier than women. TRUE / FALSE / SOMETIMES

Angry people are violent and dangerous. TRUE / FALSE / SOMETIMES

People are angrier today than 50 years ago. TRUE / FALSE / SOMETIMES

Other people make us angry. TRUE / FALSE / SOMETIMES

When you’re angry you’re powerful. TRUE / FALSE / SOMETIMES

Hiding anger is better than getting it off your chest. TRUE / FALSE / SOMETIMES

You can’t be angry with someone you love. TRUE / FALSE / SOMETIMES

Anger is personal – no one else can help us with it. TRUE / FALSE / SOMETIMES

ANGER QUIZ:


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Anger’s a normal, natural response. But it can, of course, get out of hand …

2. Men Get Angrier Than Women:The popular idea is that men are more violent than women when they’re angry. And it’s kind of accepted in our society that a man might throw a punch when he’s mad, whereas a woman’s expected to fight with words.

Part of the problem is that men, tradi-tionally, weren’t encouraged to express their feelings and frustrations – instead, they bottled them up until an explosion occurred.

However, none of this behaviour instinctively belongs to one sex or another. A situation that hugely stresses one person won’t be the slightest problem to another. Our emotional make-up is unique to each of us – and our anger will

depend on that, not whether we’re male or female.3. Angry People Are Violent And Dangerous:Some of them are, of course. But most people, when they’re angry, are neither of those things. However, it’s still easy to feel threatened when somebody lets rip! And people who’ve never learnt to deal with their anger (other than lashing out) are NOT nice to be near.

Alcohol and drugs that affect our ability to think straight only make matters worse: being angry and ‘under the influence’ is a dangerous combina-tion. And people can end up doing things they normally wouldn’t dream of doing.

4. People Are Angrier Today Than 50 Years Ago:Could be. Life’s definitely more complex.



laughed-off by one person can trigger RAGE in another!

So, do other people make us mad? Not really. We’re each in charge of our own switches – and if we can just control our thinking, we can control what we get mad about.

Sorry, no-one gets off easily with the excuse: “I couldn’t help myself …”

6. When You’re Angry You’re Powerful:Who’s kidding who? All the evidence suggests that when you let anger take over, you’re not in control. And if you’re not in control, you’re hardly powerful – you’re actually weak and vulnerable!

Some people, of course, measure power

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Angry words. Angry thoughts. Angry people. Most of us are capable of losing it. “You make me MAD!” “You drive me

NUTS!” “You get RIGHT up my nose!” But so long as nothing gets smashed and no-one gets bashed, what’s the problem?

People’s roles and values and standards are changing – and that creates confu-sion. In the traditional extended family, grandma and granddad, uncles and aunts all used to be on-hand to help people work through their problems. But that’s disappearing in most cultures. And we’re more competitive and clock-conscious than our grandparents were.

With the pressures greater, the frus-tration levels are probably up – so it’s hardly surprising there’s more anger in the air.

5. Other People Make Us Angry:We say it often enough: “You make me MAD!” But that’s not strictly true. Anger actually starts in our BRAIN, when we get

hurt or threatened. And that ‘stressor’ (as the experts call it) might be something or someone outside – or something going on inside.

Whatever it is, our senses warn us that things aren’t right. Our on-board computer then starts dishing out orders: “Code Orange, we may have a problem here!” And our body gets us ready for action.

Once the problem’s identified, our brain may say: “Okay chaps, nothing to get excited about. Just a fly in the soup!” But someone else, of course, might regard it as a major crisis: “What sort of restaurant IS this? I’m going to kick up a STINK! Okay team, Red Alert …”

Get the picture? What may be

by the amount of damage they can do. And there’s no doubt: fists or angry words can stir up a volcano!

7. Hiding Anger Is Better Than Getting It Off Your Chest:When you’ve got angry feelings bubbling away inside, there are three things you can do:

(i) You can REPRESS it – hide it, stuff it in your internal rubbish bag and pretend it doesn’t exist: “What, me angry?”

Which is exactly what lots of people do. They may be scared of anger (their own or somebody else’s). Or perhaps they just want peace-at-any-price. Trouble is, if anger’s ignored – if those feelings are left to ‘simmer on the stove’ – nothing


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really gets resolved. Until what’s causing them is identified and sorted out, very little can change.

(ii) You can EXPRESS it – get it off your chest and blast away. A verbal or physical outburst can sometimes make you feel better. But there’s a price: we often end up ‘dumping’ on the people we’re closest to. And that can start a ripple-effect that’s rather hard to stop:

Mum, who’s had a horrible day, shouts at the kid who’s struggling with his maths homework. The kid now feels angry, too (“What did I do wrong?”), and ends up hitting his sister. And Mum feels worse than ever for having screeched and yelled!

When you’re angry you’re powerful? Who’s kidding who? Sure, some people measure power by the damage they can do with their fists or angry words. But when you let anger take over, you’re hardly powerful – you’re actually weak and vulnerable!

The trouble with expressing angry feel-ings is that someone usually cops the lot unfairly!

(iii) You can PROCESS it – admit that you’re angry, try to figure out why, then use those feelings to generate positive change. But more on this third option shortly …

8. You Can’t Be Angry With Someone You Love:Oh yes, you CAN! The closer we get to someone else the more we’re aware of our differences. Not just differences in the way we do things – but also differences in the way we think and feel.


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These differences may seem trivial, but they’re the stuff that conflicts feed on. Which explains why we can so easily get steaming-stomping-mad with the very people we love the most!

9. Anger’s Personal – No One Else Can Help Us With It:That’s utter nonsense! True, you don’t need some killjoy pointing the finger: “You shouldn’t FEEL like that!” Nor do you need a pat on the back: “There, there, dear, you’ll be all right …” But a friend who will truly listen, accept your right to be angry, and try to see things from your point of view – that person is a friend indeed.

And that kind of help can be very good medicine!

THE DANGERS OF DOING NOTHING

T o sum up: anger can be a healthy and useful force. When it signals that something’s wrong and prods

us into action, it can lead to things being improved in our personal lives or wider world.

But anger also has a DARK side. Uncontrolled, or unresolved, it can wreck things. For example:

(i) When we stay mad, it twists every-thing out of focus. We can no longer see his fine qualities and strengths, her kind-ness and desire to co-operate – all we can see is what he or she has done wrong.

That lurking, still-there anger is like a brick wall in our relationship: it’s nearly impossible to overlook.

(ii) When we stay mad, it breeds resentment. Anger is normally a one-off thing, triggered by some event or

situation. And if it’s dealt with properly, it’ll fade. But resentment is more perma-nent. Like a snake in the grass, it waits for a chance to strike – and it can poison a good relationship.

“Don’t let the sun go down on your anger!” warns the Bible. In other words, don’t nurse it, don’t let it fester – deal with it, and deal with it quickly.

(iii) When we stay mad, it robs us of closeness. Unresolved anger wedges itself between colleagues, couples, workmates, family members. It makes friends feel like enemies, and lovers feel like strangers.

Not every misunderstanding or disa-greement can be perfectly sorted out. But if it’s important enough to get angry about, it’s important enough to deal with – and put to rest whatever caused that anger!

TAMING THE TIGER

So let’s ask the obvious question: how can we handle these ‘getting-mad’ moments that bring out the

worst in us? What can we do when we catch ourselves being cranky and peed-off – when, instead of processing our anger, we’d rather shove it down someone’s throat?

Well, the following three steps are worth remembering – and worth prac-ticing, one step at a time:

Step 1 – Stop & Think: After the first flush of annoyance, before you open your mouth … try counting to 10, and give your brain a chance to get in gear.

Step 2 – Admit That You’re Angry: Instead of calling it something else, have a chat with yourself – and state clearly what the problem is:

“I feel so …” (angry, annoyed, hurt, mad)


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might be to simply say, “Rachel, I need to talk to you – as soon as possible please.” Which might mean in an hour’s time, but that’s okay – the bedroom can’t get much worse.

When Rachel does put down her phone – “Yes, Mum?” – Kiri’s into Step Three. And to ensure that the two of them make progress, they should:

(i) choose their time and place: Not in front of Rachel’s friends. Not at ‘peak traffic hours’ (when dinner’s nearly ready

Anger can be a healthy and useful force. When it signals that something’s wrong and prods us into action, it can lead to

things being improved in our personal lives or wider world. But anger also has a DARK side. Uncontrolled, it can wreck things …

“when …” (spell out what it is you’re angry about.)

“but I realise that …” (this forces you to think about what’s behind the problem – before you erupt!)

“so I would like …” (what do you want fixed up? how do you want things to change?)

Step 3 – Tell Those Responsible: Don’t yell. Don’t even raise your voice. Just try making those four statements to them:

“I feel so … when … but I realise that … so I would like …”

Is this harder than it sounds? Yes, of course it is – but it’s far better than doing NOTHING!

Remember ANN, the angry lady we met a few pages back? She found these steps a real break-

through. “The first time I tried it, I felt like a real nutter. There I was making this little speech to my two-year-old! I can remember it very clearly. He’d been doing

How about KIRI – the angry mother of an untidy teenager? How might this work for her? Well, let’s try it …

She walks into Rachel’s bedroom and – shock! horror! – it’s looks and smells like a TIP! Kiri counts to 10, but her fists are still clenched. So she says the words to herself: “I feel disappointed and hurt when Rachel ignores me. It’s like she doesn’t care if our home is a pigsty.”

Now she tries to put herself in her daughter’s shoes: “But I realise she’s just finished exams – and catching up with friends on Facebook is more relaxing for her right now than a tidy room.”

Finally, she looks for a solution: “I would like her to tidy her room in the morning, before she does anything else.”

Now, she needs to share all that with Rachel …

Storming into the family-room and grabbing Rachel’s phone is one way to get her daughter’s attention. But a better way

his ‘rock-drummer’ act with a wooden spoon on the pot lids, and I was almost at screaming point!

“And then I said it! Something like: ‘I feel really bad inside when you make that noise … it makes Mummy’s head throb … but I realise that you’re having fun … so I’d like you to try the plastic bowls instead.’

“It got me thinking about it from his point of view. And looking for solutions instead of getting more churned up!”


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WHAT DO YOU THINK? HAVE YOUR SAY!GO TO GRAPEVINE’S FACEBOOK PAGE. SHARE YOUR POINT-OF-VIEW AND READ WHAT OTHERS RECKON.

or someone’s about to head out the door). And not in the middle of a blazing row: “I’m too upset to talk about it now – let me cool down first, okay?”

(ii) choose to talk and listen. Shouting achieves nothing. Interrupting makes things worse. Moody silences just clog up the system. And words like “you always …” or “you never …” only drag up yester-day’s leftovers.

(iii) be willing to forgive. Forgiveness is like putting down your gloves when it’s your turn for a punch, and saying, “No, let’s call this fight off …”

And how about STEVE and LYN? Remember – the guy who got home late and messed up their

dinner arrangements? He can’t control her anger, her dirty

looks, and accusing tone – but he CAN control his response: “Lyn, I’m truly sorry I was late. It was out of my hands. And it really annoys me when you imply that I did it on purpose. I realise you’re embarrassed about not being on-time for dinner. How about I call them and apol-ogise, and tell them we’ll be there in 30 minutes?”

Lyn’s response may still be the same (walking off and giving him the silent

treatment) – but Steve has left his thinking-brain in charge instead of letting his anger build up steam. The thing hasn’t escalated, he feels a lot better about that – and their evening may yet be salvaged!

SURVIVING THE STORMS

Angry words. Angry thoughts. Angry people. As we said at the outset, it’s common enough. Most

of us are capable of seeing red. Human relationships are a colourful

mixture of good and bad, great and not-so-great, pleasure and pain, awesome and awful. But there IS a time to be angry … and that powerful emotion can be an ally, not an enemy.

Like someone once said: the difference between smooth sailing and shipwreck lies in what two people choose to do about the rough weather.

So when anger next builds up in your gut … when a storm next blows a gale through your heart … the choice is yours!

KEEPERS OF THE VINE


YOU’RE SPECIAL!

Y OU’RE SPECIAL, YOU REALLY are. In all the world there’s no-one like you. Never has been. Never

will be. No-one has your eyes, your nose, your hair, your hands, your voice, your smile. You’re special.

No-one anywhere has exactly your handwriting, exactly your fingerprints, exactly your tastes in food or music or TV. Since the beginning of time, there’s been no-one who laughs like you, no-one who cries like you, no-one who sees things just the way you do. You’re special.

Look, you’re the only one on this planet who’s got your set of abilities. Sure there’ll

always be someone who’s better than you are at some of the stuff you do – but no-one in the entire universe has your unique combination of talents and skills, dreams and feelings.

No-one else through all eternity will ever look, talk, walk, think or do the way you do. You’re special. You’re rare. And like anything that’s rare, you have great value.

That’s why you don’t need to copy your friends. You can accept - yeah, you can celebrate – your differences! You can risk being yourself.

Hey, you’re no accident. God made you

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special for a very special purpose. He’s got a job for you that no-one else can do as well. Out of all the billions of applicants, only one is qualified. Only one has what it takes.

That one is YOU … because you’re special!

ADAPTED FROM A POEM BY IAN & CAROL MCKEAN

WOBBLY BITSThat’s the key, you know. Confidence. I know for a fact that if you can genu-inely like your body, so can others. It doesn’t really matter if it’s short, tall, fat or thin. It just matters that you can find some things to like about it – even if that means having a good laugh at the bits of it that wobble independently, occasionally. That’s alright.

It was my father who taught me to value myself. He told me that I was uncom-monly beautiful, and that I was the most precious thing in his life.DAWN FRENCH – AUTHOR & ACTRESS – ‘VICAR OF DIBLEY’

MAKE AN APPOINTMENT:I have so many problems that if a new one comes along today it’ll be at least two weeks before I can worry about it.

(SEEN IN A CAFE)

HOPEFUL GLIMPSESHere and there even in our world, and now and then even in ourselves, we catch glimpses of a new creation, which, fleeting as those glimpses are apt to be, give us hope both for this life and for whatever life may await us later on.

“What’s lost is nothing to what’s found,” says Godric [the besmirched saint in Buechner’s novel], “and all the death that ever was, set next to life, would scarcely fill a cup.”

FREDERICK BUECHNER – ‘NOW & THEN’

NOTE TO SELF:None of us are getting out of here alive, so please stop treating yourself like an AFTERTHOUGHT. Eat the delicious food. Walk in the sunshine. Jump in the ocean. Say the truth that you’re carrying in your heart like hidden treasure. Be silly. Be kind. Be weird. There’s no time for anything else.

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HALF-ALIVE?Some people feel the rain –

others just get wet. (Bob Marley)


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GOOD ENOUGHOften we want to be somewhere other than where we are, or even to be someone other than who we are. We tend to compare ourselves constantly with others and wonder why we’re not as rich, as intelligent, as simple, as generous, or as saintly as they are. Such comparisons make us feel guilty, ashamed, or jealous.

It is very important to realise that we are unique human beings, each with a call to realise in life what nobody else can, and to realise it in the here and now

We’ll never find our vocations by trying to figure out whether we are better or worse than others. We are good enough to do what we are called to do.

Be yourself!HENRI NOUWEN

BE BOLD!Daring ideas are like chessmen. Moved forward, they may be beaten – but they might also start a winning game.

SOURCE UNKNOWN

TANGLEDDon’t mess with people who do yoga – you’ll be surprised

how quickly they get bent out of shape.

COMPARISONSThe only comparisonswe should make are with ourselves.The issue is notwhat levelwe have attained,but where we are in comparison with where we were.

C S LEWIS

BIRDIE LESSON“What if I fall?”“Oh, but my darling, what if you fly?”

BETTER & BETTERMake today so awesome that

yesterday gets jealous.


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$$$$$Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as

happy as when I had 48 million. (Arnold Schwarzenegger)

PESSIMISTS Some people are always grumbling because roses have thorns. I am thankful that thorns have roses.

ALPHONSE KARR

PATCHWORK?Mine was a patchwork God sewn together from bits of rag and ribbon Eastern and Western pagan and Hebrew everything but the kitchen sink, and Jesus.

ANNE LAMOTT – ‘TRAVELLING MERCIES’

WEARING YOU DOWNWe shall match your capacity to inflict suffering by our capacity to endure suffering. We shall meet your physical force with soul force. Do to us what you will, and we shall continue to love you.

Throw us in jail, and we shall still love you. Bomb our homes and threaten our children, and we shall still love you. Send

your hooded perpetrators of violence into our community at the midnight hour and beat us and leave us half dead, and we shall still love you.

But be assured that we will wear you down by our capacity to suffer. One day we shall win freedom, but not only for ourselves. We shall so appeal to your heart and conscience that we shall win you in the process, and our victory will be a double victory.

MARTIN LUTHER KING – ‘STRENGTH TO LOVE’

LOTSA ROOM!Onenicethingaboutgoingtheextramile: It’s never crowded.


spot the difference

Buskers Festivalby Tim Tripp

TRY TO SPOT THESE 21 DIFFERENCES ... Find Grapevine on Facebook to see if you got them all!

In ancient Greece, the Olympic Games were considered so impor-tant that when it was time to hold

them, the Greeks would lay down their arms and invite their enemies to do the same. Then the Greeks would snatch up their arms again, whack their enemies into pieces the size of popcorn, and then celebrate by having the Olympic Games.

Back then, of course, the only events were running naked, jumping naked, throwing things naked, and ice-dancing.

Today, you have hundreds of sports to choose from for your overall fitness programme. But before you embark upon any new form of physical activity you should notify your doctor’s answering service.

Ski Jumping has grown immensely popular in recent years, especially among people who, because of

knee problems, cannot jog. This exciting sport got its start as a symptom of mental illness in northern climes such as Norway and Sweden, where it is cold and dark and there’s very little to do except pay taxes.

Life is depressing in these countries. Watch any movie by the famous Swedish director Ingmar Bergman, and you’ll notice that all that ever happens in the entire two hours is depressed people sit around talking Swedish. This is what life in Sweden is actually like, except that it often lasts longer than two hours. After a while, the strain gets to people, and they suddenly leap up, barge out, don skis,

Mankind’s need to compete in sports goes back to that fateful prehistoric day when a primitive man first picked up a club and a primitive ball, tossed the ball aloft, then whomped the club into the sloping forehead of a primitive umpire.

choosing a near-fatal sportby Dave Barry


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and launch themselves off giant chutes.The rest of the world did very little ski

jumping until TV programmes began showing film snippets in which ski jumpers hurtle off the edge of the chute, completely out of control, with various important organs flying out of their bodies. Fitness buffs saw this and realised that any activity with such great potential for being fatal must be good for you, so the sport began to catch on.

Today, most major hotels offer ski jumping facilities for the convenience of the public. So there’s really no excuse not to get into this popular sport, except a will to live.

Squash is a popular sport wherein you and another person go into a white room, close the door, and

attempt to injure each other in the eye. Originally, this was done by whacking a ball against a wall in such a way that it would bounce back and strike the other person, but your highly competitive mod-ern player tends to ignore the ball and lunge straight for his opponent.

Professional Ice Hockey is an ideal way for the entire family to keep fit. There’s something for

everyone: the kids will love participat-ing in a loose, freewheeling sport where everybody makes the play-offs; Dad will appreciate the fact that he’s improving his cardiovascular efficiency while at the same time fleeing large, vicious, tooth-less, stick-wielding men whose frontal lobes have been battered into prune-sized masses of scar-tissue; and Mum will be pleased to learn that the best touring teams come from Canada, so she’ll have a chance to ‘brush up’ on such French phrases as Arretez-vous! Je suis une

femme! C’est mon globe oculaire! (“Stop! I am a woman! That is my eyeball!”)

Golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, but today it’s open to anybody

who owns hideous clothing.The basic idea is to stand on top of a

hummock, squinting into the distance, wager, then saunter over to another hummock, and so on until it’s time to drink. That may not sound like much exer-cise to you, but in fact every one of these activities (except drinking) consumes calories, as shown by this scientific chart:

choosing a near-fatal sport

Golf Activity Calories Consumed

Ascending hummock 2.04959

Squinting 0.00035

Wagering 0.00102

Descending hummock 1.84958

Sauntering to next hummock

4.02013

Saying things like: “You certainly did bogey that par-six eagle nine-iron wedge, Ted! Ha-ha!”

0.00076

Tipping teenager who carries equipment

0.00007

Thus we see that in the course of a typical ‘round’ of golf, lasting just four hours, you could burn off enough calo-ries that you could then go out and eat the better part of a slice of Slimmer’s Bread with only a minor weight gain.

Swimming is one of the best forms of exercise, provided you remem-ber to follow these simple safety

rules:1. Never swim in a lake or river. These

contain snapping eels, which have no


natural enemies and therefore grow to the size of a goods-train, plus they tend to be irritable because they mate for life. Lakes also contain giant lake-dwelling carp, which will watch you from the gloomy depths with their buggy eyes.

2. Never swim in the ocean. The ocean contains creatures that make the giant lake-dwelling carp look like Bambi.

3. Never swim in a swimming pool. People pee in swimming pools. Oh, I know you don’t, and I certainly don’t, but somebody does – which promotes the growth of bacteria, which is why swim-ming pool owners are always dumping in toxic chemicals, to the point where there is virtually no actual water in the pool, just toxic chemicals and dead bacteria and old pee. This is why, as you may have noticed, the actual owner never gets into the pool. He’s always off pretending he has to do something important involving the filter.

Pig Lifting is probably the quintes-sential fitness activity for today’s upscale young urban professional,

who more often than not will forsake the old-fashioned ‘business lunch’ in favour of going to his posh downtown club, some-times with an important client, for a hard 45 minutes of pig lifting, followed by a soothing hose-down.

More than one major financial deal has been forged this way, and the cry “Anyone want to hoist some pork?” is likely to echo down the corridors of power for many years to come.

ADAPTED FROM STAY FIT & HEALTHY UNTIL YOU’RE DEAD © BY DAVE BARRY. PERMISSION GRANTED BY RODALE PRESS INC.

ALRIGHT, HERE GOES. I’M old. What that means is: I’ve survived (so far) and a lot of

people I’ve known and loved did not. I’ve lost friends, best friends, acquain-tances, co-workers, grandparents, Mum, relatives, teachers, mentors, students, neighbours, and a host of other folks.

I have no children, and I can’t imagine the pain there must be to lose a child. But here’s my two cents worth …

I wish I could say you get used to people dying. I never did. I don’t want to. It tears a hole through me when-ever somebody I love dies, no matter the circumstances. But I don’t want it to “not matter”. I don’t want it to be something that just passes. My scars are a testament to the love and the relationship that I had for and with that person. And, if the scar is deep, so was the love. So be it.

Scars are a testament to life. Scars are a testament that I can love deeply and live deeply and be cut, or even gouged, and that I can heal and continue to live and continue to love. And the scar tissue is stronger than the original flesh ever was. Scars are


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WAVES OF GRIEF(dealing with loss)

a testament to life. Scars are only ugly to people who can’t see.

As for grief, you’ll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you’re drowning, with

wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it’s some physical thing. Maybe it’s a happy memory or a photo-graph. Maybe it’s a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive.

In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet high, and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don’t even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you’ll find the waves are still 100 feet high, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what’s going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street

THIS PIECE IS ATTRIBUTED TO ‘G SNOW’ WHO POSTED IT ON REDDIT.COM IN RESPONSE TO A QUESTION “MY FRIEND JUST DIED. I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO.”

intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything … and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life.

Somewhere down the line, and it’s different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet

high. Or 50 feet high. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birth-day, or Christmas – you can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you’ll come out.

Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don’t really want them to. But you learn that you’ll survive them. And other waves will come. And you’ll survive them too.

If you’re lucky, you’ll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks.


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WAVES OF GRIEF(dealing with loss)


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Orsono Volcano

the hornrounding

I’ve always fancied myself an adventurer. As a kid I used to dream of conquering icy peaks, braving stormy seas, hacking my way through murky jungles. But something has always held me back. At heart, I’m a scaredy-cat. I have no desire to die or get hurt, and I hate feeling dirty, tired, sore or even puffed. I can cope with risky, so long as it’s not-really-risky. I prefer adventures that come with soft beds and hot showers. And I get grumpy if I can’t find a café.

I suppose you’d say I’m a wannabe-explorer. Which is why, when the chance came to sail around Cape

Horn – in safety and with loads of crea-ture-comforts – I jumped at it!

The bottom-end of South America is one of the last truly wild frontiers – offering vast ocean landscapes, unspoiled beauty, smoking volcanos, shimmering lakes, plunging waterfalls, misty isles, oozing rainforests, exotic birds, aston-ishing wildlife and mysterious ruins (like Machu Picchu, Lost City of the Incas).

Our adventure kicked off in Chile – a spindly country, jammed down the lower left-hand-side of this continent, between the Andes and the Pacific. Much of Chile’s long coastline is a clutter of islands, spreading southwards like a giant’s jigsaw puzzle – and the only way to explore its tangle of canals, sounds, straits and fjords is by boat. So, once we’d shaken off jetlag in Santiago (Chile’s capital), we hitched a ride to nearby Valparaiso and sneaked aboard a Very Nice Cruise Ship.

It’s all a bit of a blur now, but life quickly fell into a happy rhythm – cruising by night, sightseeing by

day, and going ashore at achingly beauti-ful Chilean puertos (ports-of-call): Puerto Montt, Puerto Varas, Puerto Chacabuco – all watched over by the looming Andes.

At some point we found ourselves cruising the narrow, rock-studded Strait of Magellan – a famous 560km passage from the Pacific to the Atlantic Ocean. (Note: Magellan’s Strait is anything-but straight; it’s a foggy, twisty-turny, easy-to-get-lost-in labyrinth; so don’t attempt this in your rubber-dinghy!)

On arrival at the one-time garrison town of Punta Arenas (poon-ta uh-RAY-nus), we

hopped into a small bus and shook-rattled-and-rolled past vast sheep farms (spotting an occasional gaucho, cowboy, on his horse) to a lip-smacking lamb barbeque. Then we shook-rattled-and-rolled some more to a windswept bay where we bade a cheerful “Hola!” (hello) to our first penguins: plump, well-fed Magellans, who, as far as I could tell, were pleased to see us.

Then, a couple of mornings later, we woke to teetering cliffs, crunching frozen rivers, and bobbing icebergs – so spectac-ularly close we could almost touch them! We were in Chile’s famous Glacier Alley … and I soon lost count of the glaciers spilling over from the massive ice-sheet that lay hidden above us in the clouds, and emptying out into the freezing green waters below.

We docked early afternoon at the Argentinian frontier-town of Ushuaia (the closest most wannabe explorers get to Antarctica), and piled onto the top deck of a catamaran for another eyeful of Tierra del Fuego’s wilderness and wildlife: this time sea-lions, cormorants and seals sunbathing on wet rocks.

Finally, on the last night, came the highlight I’d thought about, dreamed about, and read books

about. As darkness was falling on the wild

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Orsono Volcano


Tierra del Fuego

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CRUISINGthen ... and ... now

WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO ADVENTURING IN SOUTH AMERICA? YOU’RE INVITED TO JOIN JOHN & ROBYN COONEY ON THEIR MIDLIFE MADNESS CRUISE IN MARCH 2017. PHONE 0800 277 477 FOR DETAILS – OR VISIT WWW.JOHNCOONEY.CO.NZ.

Southern Ocean, we DID it: we sailed around notorious Cape Horn!

But it wasn’t quite what I’d expected …Firstly, the wild Southern Ocean (hated

and feared by seamen of old, whose fragile clippers faced smashing winds and terrifying seas) was relatively calm, I kid you not! We’d had a great day sailing from Ushuaia – a stiff breeze, and a few whitecaps, but that’s about all. And, as we took aim on the bottom-most tip of South America’s archipelago, the sea got even flatter!

An anticlimax? Yeah, for heartier sailors like me, it was …

But then a funny thing happened. As the islands drew closer, we joined the crowd out on open decks – eager to enjoy the big event. By now, the legendary Southern Ocean wind was howling down the length of the ship, but when the word finally spread: “There it is! Cape Horn! Over there!” … 1000 cameras started clicking. Couples clung to each other at the rail, and hair-blown cheering echoed from bow to stern.

However, there was one small problem. The lumpy battered rock we thought was Isla Hornos (Cape Horn) WASN’T! Apparently we were still half-an-hour away. And, by the time that half hour was

up, it had got too dark and rainy for photos. Reluctantly, we retreated to a warm dining room for our five-course evening meal … still not quite sure which of the hazy grey shapes out there was the real Cape Horn!

History-making mariners? No, not quite. But please note: we DID it! We rounded the Horn! And I’ve got a certifi-cate from the ship to prove it …

Ushuaia

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FAMILY THERAPISTS, GARY Smalley and John Trent, tell of a varsity tutor who, on the first

day of class, asked his new students to respond to two questions: “What do I LIKE about myself?” and “What DON’T I like about myself?” And one by one, the students responded.

Hiding near the back of the room was Dorothy. Long, red hair hung down around her face – and when it was her turn to speak, there was only silence. The tutor gently repeated the question, thinking she may not have heard.

Finally, with a deep sigh, Dorothy sat up and pulled back her hair. Covering nearly all one side of her face was a large red birthmark, nearly as red as her hair.

“THAT,” she said, pointing to it, “should show you what I don’t like about myself!”

Moved with compassion, the tutor leaned over and gave her a hug. Then he kissed her on the cheek where the birth-mark was, and said, “That’s okay, honey. God and I still think you’re beautiful.”

Dorothy started to cry uncontrol-lably, and the students gathered around to comfort her. Then, as she wiped the tears from her eyes, she whispered, “I’ve waited so long for someone to hug me and say what you said. Why couldn’t my father have done that?”

Mmm … gets you thinking, eh:• When was the last time you told

YOUR daughter that you think she’s beautiful?

• When was the last time you told YOUR son that you’re incredibly proud of him?

• When was the last time you told your wife that she’s the best thing that ever happened to you?

• When was the last time you told your husband that you’re so glad you married him?

• When was the last time you told your parents how grateful you are for everything they’ve done?Don’t put it off. Please don’t wait

until you’re not so busy. Get off your butt. Grab the phone. Write a note. And do it NOW!

WANT TO READ MORE?VISIT WWW.GRAPEVINE.ORG.NZ … GO TO ‘LIBRARY’ (BROWSE BY YEAR) … CHOOSE YEAR 2000 … & FIND ‘ KEEPING FAMILIES TOGETHER’

don’t wait until you’re not so busy:

DOROTHY

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ROB PARSONS, AUTHOR OF ‘The Sixty Minute Mother’ knows more about mums than most

other mere males. He talked to Grape-vine about motherhood and guilt …

If we ask an audience of, say, a thousand mothers, “What word most perfectly sums up how you feel about your role as a mother?” – 70 to 80% mention guilt! So you ask why, and they say, “I don’t know. I just feel guilty. If I stay at home, I feel guilty that I’m bored. If I go to work, I feel guilty I’m short-changing them.”

A woman came up to me at a recent seminar in floods of tears. When I asked what was wrong she said, “I’ve got a girl of seven, another of six, and a boy of four. And the six-year-old’s breaking my heart. She’s ruling my life. She’s so difficult and testing!” Then she added, “I hate admitting this, but I’m not even

sure that I love her!” (Here’s a woman who loves the child so much she’d give her life for her!)

So I said, “Oh that’s very common.” She looked at me as if I’d just landed from Mars!

I added, “I hear that all the time! You’ve got a really testing child on your hands. Friends will tell you she’ll grow out of it … she won’t! She’s going to test you as a child, a teenager and an adult. But it’s all NORMAL!”

“Really?” she marvelled. “I just thought I was a terrible mother …”

That’s one of the big consequences of the breakdown of extended family. Mums in her situation used to be able to have chats and advice from their own mothers and aunts and so on. Now, they’re isolated, and often convinced they’re doing everything wrong.

Added to which, we’re all trying to prove that our kids are fantastic. And you don’t want to admit that yours are driving you CRAZY!

mums under pressure:KIDS & GUILT-TRIPS

WANT TO READ MORE?VISIT WWW.GRAPEVINE.ORG.NZ … GO TO ‘LIBRARY’ (BROWSE BY YEAR) … CHOOSE YEAR 2006, ISSUE 1 … & FIND ‘MAN-TO-MAN ABOUT MUMS’

I always offer my family two dinner choices: take it – or leave it!

SMILE … #1


marital myths:DON’T SWEAT THE POST-WEDDING BLUES

HAVE YOU THOUGHT ABOUT your marriage lately and said to yourself, This is NOT what I had

in mind …? Have you recently wanted to trade your husband or wife in for the new-and-improved version …?

Take heart: you’re not alone! Those marital blues are a normal occur-rence for most couples. Most men and women enter marriage with ideals that don’t quite match the day-to-day reality. And at the first whiff of disil-lusionment it’s easy to fear that things are going down the tubes.

It helps to explode a couple of marital myths:MYTH 1: Couples Who Really Love Each Other Don’t Fight Aw c’mon! Ask any couple who you know really love each other, and they’ll show you the boxing ring they’ve got in their spare room.

Do you want the truth? Couples who really love each other are the BEST fighters!

There’s no magic way to shrink-wrap your marriage with special Anti-Conflict Gunk that will protect you from disagreements. All couples argue, fight, squabble, nitpick, battle, brawl, sulk, struggle, scrap and whine at each other to some degree. And the trick is to RESOLVE those differences – to fight clean, fight fair, and know how to end it with lots of forgiveness.

MYTH 2: We Will Always Feel in LoveWrong again! It’s all very well for Barry Manilow to croon, “Feelings! Whoa, whoa-oh-oh feelings!” But you will NOT always feel in love.

There! We said it …!You don’t always feel like going to

work. Or scrubbing the kitchen. Or paying bills. Or going to the dentist. So where in the world did you get the idea that marriage means you’ll always feel in love?

Marriage is a lifelong process of learning and relearning – through all

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WANT TO READ MORE?VISIT WWW.GRAPEVINE.ORG.NZ … GO TO ‘LIBRARY’ (BROWSE BY YEAR) … CHOOSE YEAR 2001 … & FIND ‘HOW TO HAVE YOUR WEDDING CAKE & EAT IT TOO’

neighbourly:ONCE UPON A LETTERBOX

WHEN A LETTER FROM a neighbour turns up in your letterbox, you know it

ain’t going to be pretty. Here’s what one Aucklander found in theirs recently:

“Hi Neighbour. I just wanted to leave a note regarding your children and their noise levels. I do not have children myself, but I once was one. Nowadays, with the blessing of tech-nology, kids can be babysat by a variety

of different screens that keep them quiet for hours! It seems that your children either are not offered these or do not have any interest in them, and I wanted to congratulate you on that.

“I have not met your chil-dren. I simply hear them screaming, laughing, crying, singing and talking outside almost every day from

my house. They sound like they are having a memorable childhood! One where they get mud on their clothes, cuts on their skin, and I’m sure they’ve squished the odd bug between their toes!

“I hear the way you speak to them sometimes and I wanted to commend you on your patience and kindness. I’m sure it isn’t easy. Your neighbour.”

NZ HERALD – SIDESWIPE

the struggles and strains – how to love one another in a deeper, more mean-ingful way.

Feelings come and feelings go. But Together-Forever Love has more to do with CHOICES than feelings …

My daughter’s boyfriends? I figure if I kill the first one, word will get out! (Charles Barkley)

SMILE … #2


GRAPEPUZZLE SOLUTIONS (See puzzles on Page 23)


WORDSEARCH – ADVENTURE (SOLUTION PAGE 66)


SOLUTION


WORD SEARCH – ADVENTURE SOLUTION

3 8 1 7 5 8 5 2 3 7 7 6 5 5 9 4 8 9 4 7 2 5 1 9 3 5 1 9 2 7

6 3 7 8 2 9 5 4 1 1 9 4 7 5 3 2 8 6 8 5 2 1 6 4 9 3 7 7 4 1 2 8 6 3 9 5 5 2 9 3 4 7 6 1 8 3 8 6 9 1 5 4 7 2 2 7 5 4 3 8 1 6 9 9 6 3 5 7 1 8 2 4 4 1 8 6 9 2 7 5 3


SUDOKU – MEDIUM (SOLUTION PAGE 66)

SUDOKU MEDIUM

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Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house. (Rod Stewart)

SMILE … #3

weighing in:RAINBOWS

Q: Where do you weigh a pie?A: Somewhere over the rainbow.Q: What do you mean?

A: Well, come on, sing it: Somewhere over the rainbow Way up high (weigh a pie) …

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senior citizens:TUNING IN

MOE: “I JUST BOUGHT A NEW hearing-aid. It cost me $4000, but the thing is state of the art.

It’s perfect!”Joe: “Really? What kind is it?”Moe: “Twelve-thirty.”

QWHERE DO YOU WEIGH A whale? A: At a railway (whale-weigh)

station.

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Back Chat

JOHN (GRAPEVINE’S FOUNDER) HAD FOUR GREAT-GRANDFATHERS, NONE OF WHOM HE EVER MET – PLUS TWO GRANDFATHERS, BOTH OF WHOM WERE GREAT. BUT HE DIDN’T STEAL SCRAMBLED EGGS FROM ANY OF HIS ANCESTORS.

BY JOHN COONEY

I DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU DID in the holidays, but I did something I’ve never done before. I spent a

week with my very first great-grandson! Yes, I know: great-grandfathers are usually REALLY old – and I look FAR too young to be one. But a great-granddad I am. And my great-grandson is a cuddly little bundle of fun!

He’s cute, handsome, full of smiles, and itching to get into everything. He stole my breakfast scrambled-eggs three mornings in a row … made me play “This little piggy went to market” with his tiny chubby toes … and let me take him for walks-in-his-stroller. Then, to cap it all off, one balmy evening he fell asleep in my arms. And he looked so peaceful and trusting and vulnerable that I felt a bit choked-up.

I wondered about the world he’s been born into, a world that’s not always kind to kids. I wondered what he would do … where he would go … who he would meet … how he would cope? Yes, his parents adore him. He’ll be loved to bits. And his home will always feel good. But what about his WIDER world, the nastier bits, the stuff we can’t control? I mean, there’s still too much ugliness out there waiting to rob kids of their potential.

Right now, my great-grandson’s only nine months old. But what when he’s nine YEARS old … or 19? What then?

And that’s when it hit me …

We’re not helpless, for goodness sake! If we can save whales, rescue trees, and conquer outer space, we can help make New Zealand a healthier place for little boys and girls.

The Government can’t do it all. The Government can’t hug kids. It can’t tickle kids on the carpet, or play ball with them on the lawn. It can’t read kids a story at night, or giggle with them at the movies, or help them make a tree-hut, or take them fishing. The Government can’t give them emotional warmth, healthy limits, the knowledge they’re wanted and loved.

No, these are jobs that only FAMILIES can do.

So what are we waiting for?

Cuddly little bundle of fun!

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Grapevine - Issue 1, 2016

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