General Convent-Onion ~ Issue 1, 77th General Convention

7/31/2019 General Convent-Onion ~ Issue 1, 77th General Convention

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THE GENERAL CONVENT -ONION

SuperDeputies startled to find youngadults hashtagging #EVERYTHING

An epidemic of hashtagging at

#GC77 has raised concerns

among Convention attendees,leading some to fear that the

churchs long-established and

time-honored communication

mediums are being rashly

restructured one 140-character

tweet at a time.

I came to convention thinking

that the hashtag was aninnocuous number symbol oreven the substructure for a

innocent game of tic-tac-toe

I now understand it to be a

nefarious tool for techno-talk

on the interwebs-cloudy-wifi-

G4-bandwidth thingy, noted

SuperDelegate Penen Papur.

Continue on page 3

In an attempt to cut costs, the 77th GeneralConvention approved a resolution to move theheadquarters of the Church, formerly at 815 SecondAvenue, New York, NY to the Matrix.

Resolution, QZ099 was passed narrowly by both theHouse of Bishops and the House of Deputies.Proposed by the Diocese of Nebuchadnezzar, there

was heated discussion regarding implementationBishop Morpheus of Nebuchadnezzar stated:

The Church has an option, either take the blue pill orthe red pill. I pray to God that the Church wilchoose the red pill.

Continued on Page 3

815 moved to the Matrix, wifi not available

ISSUE 1,77THGENERAL CONVENTIONFor your misinformation:

Page 5

Page 24

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Page 243

Restructuring shake-up:TEC to ban seersuckersuits

Convention goes paperless:moves to carrier pigeons

Church Publishing releasesFifty Shades of Purple

Delegate strains neck underweight of badge buttons

Go ahead; look for the articles. First one to find themwins another issue, a lovely tote bag, and a potted plant

all courtesy of EPF. Take thatNPR.

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Progressive and conservativefound accidentally talking toone another


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Passionate, enthusiastic, but

tragically verbose young adultGertaVanTrappen-Hausen unwittingly

violated parliamentary procedureearlier today, highlighting theurgent need for greater educationand formation among young peopleconcerning Roberts Rules of Order.

En route to the Exhibit Hall, Gerta

ran into the President of the House

of Deputies Bonnie Anderson,D.D. Overjoyed at the chanceencounter, Gerta immediatelyspouted off her life story and

(without invitation) began to shareall her expert opinions on each andevery resolution in the Blue Book.

Just when it seemed like Gerta mightdrone on for the remainder of

convention, Anderson attempted tosubtly and politely interject:

Your allotted three minutes has

expired. Thank you.

Shockingly, the injunction was notheeded. Incognizant (or perhapsheedlessly, recklessly contravening

decorum), Gerta proceeded to lobby forthe inclusion of the New Orleans SaintsintoHoly Women, Holy Men.Luckily, rogue Deputies roving theExhibit Halls in search of free swagcame to Andersons aid, brandishingred slips paper signifying her expiredtime. With shared governance,Anderson and the Deputies wereeventually able to quell the loquaciousdeluge.

I thought it might never stop, saidone relieved onlooker. Yeah, I

thought we might be here until the 78thConvention, added another. It made

me start wondering if a Magisteriummight not be so bad after all!

[Bonnie Anderson was called to the HOD floorand could not be reached for comment.]

In breach of decorum, conversation exceeds 3 min

Your allotted three

minutes has expired.Thank you.

~Bonnie Anderson, D.D.

PB substitutes earth for world in Collect,SCLM files Title IV proceedings

On July 6, 2012, PresidingBishop Katharine JeffertsSchori inadvertentlysubstituted earth for

world in the morningsCollect. Taken by some to bea grave violation of Title IV,Canon 9,745,368, the

Standing Commission onLiturgy and Music

immediately filed charges with the Intake Officer.

Though the Officer declined to comment on thecharges, a member of SCLM (who asked not to benamed) stated: The Standing Commissionchooses its vocabulary with purpose. We cant justgo changing it willy-nilly! If we allow this

switcheroo and bugaboo to go unchallenged,who knows what could be next? Why, wemight see words like Ebenezer deleted fromthe Hymnal! Upon being informed thatEbenezer was already removed upon revisionof The 1982 Hymnal, the commission memberspontaneously combusted.

While charges have not yet been filed on thecombustion, there is now rumor of potentialadditional proceedings regarding BehaviorLeading to Spontaneous Combustion by theStanding Commission. I have no comment atthis time, stated one member of the

Commission who wished to remain

anonymous. Standby for continueddevelopments.


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Issue 1, 77th General Convention

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815 moved Contd

Many feared that this would result in the Churchrelying on people to plug into the Matrix in order toaccess the Book of Common Prayer. However, as thisresolution saved nearly $100,000,0000 from theChurch's triennial budget it did eventually pass.

The Oversight Committee did not a require wifiinfrastructure be built before implementing this move.Access in some diocese is limited, which has resulted

in some members of the Church not being able toupload the most recent sermons by the newly electedPresiding Bishop and President of House of Deputies,Trinity and Neo.There is talk of a resolution at the 78th General

Convention as a sequel, but most believe it will not beas good as the first resolution.

#EVERY THING Contd

Echoing these sentiments, others expressed concernthat the incursion of social media at Convention

might mean that people outside of the Indianapolis

Convention Center walls might actually becomeinterested in whats going on at the triennial

gathering. And we wouldnt want that, saidvisitor Agora Phobia of Notgermane, NY.

Still others noted their desire to see further

promulgation of the phenomenon curtailed.

Weve seen just how effective Episcopal Relief &Developments NetsforLife campaign has been,noted Bishop Naustalja of the Diocese of Yesteryear,

I only wish there were an equivalent cyber-net to

reign in these egregiously proliferating hashtags.

Despite widespread anxieties, the hashtagged

tweets continue to stream forth with no sign of

abating polluting or enriching the vast expanseof interstellar cyberspace, depending on yourperspective.

[Youth/young adults were not available for comment as

they were all texting on their smartphones, Facetiming

on their iPads, and updating their Facebook statuses.]


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YOUNG ADULT INITIATIVE Blame for this publication is attributable to:Episcopal Peace Fellowship YoungAdult Initiative.

Aries

Goodnews! The resolution that you

ve beenhopingto pass will be adopted without substitution or

amendments! However, it is unclear if people reallysupport your resolution, or if it came up for voteright before recess.

TaurusUnfortunately for you the resolution you wrote wasnot able to find any endorsers. But dont worry 2015looks to be a good year for you.

GeminiThis week will be a mixed bag for you. On the onehand, your favorite resolution will pass. But therewill be so many substitutions and amendments to it

that it is no longer yourresolution.

CancerYou are either on the Structure Committee, Liturgyand Music, or PB&F. You might want to startasking for prayers.

LeoBe sure to wear your best collar because you aredestined to meet that special someone soon.

VirgoYoure going to learn something new today in alegislative meeting. Gods at work at GeneralConvention.

We predict the other six horoscope signswill appear in the next issue.

Marian apparitions cause stirInexplicably, apparitions of the Blessed Virgin Maryhave manifested on the arms of Convention

attendees. The appearances may be a miracle,though this will be difficult to formally determine.Representatives from the Congregation of the

Causes of Saints at the Vatican have been asked tooffer their miracle verification services, though it isnot clear if they will be able to do so at this timegiven the tension between the Roman and AnglicanSees following Anglicanorum coetibus, whichestablished an Ordinariate for disaffected Anglicans.

Its pretty cool, said one of the individuals uponwhom the Blessed Theotokos appeared. I onlykinda wish she appeared on my grilled cheese orsomething so I could try to sell it on eBay. I mean,what the hail Mary?

General Convent-Onion ~ Issue 1, 77th General Convention

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