Fun at work 2012 edition

FUN @ WORKMy experiences in the IT industry

2012 Edition

A TYPICAL MEETING …1. Start the meeting with..

‘How is it going?’2. Eh why CAM so many

bugs are coming? 3. We need to discuss about

GP?4. MIP and CRM is done?5. BT resource: Is BOAP

mapping done?6. Who will test? “PMs will

test”7. What about Yuri 7-8 bugs8. Eh… why is he taking this

much time?9. Quotes: “I’ll conceive

Elizabeth”

STEPS TO HANDLE A DISASTER!1. Apply OIL to your head2. Stoop low and walk3. Call a meeting, early in

the morning for status4. Note that a print out is

required for the meeting5. Transform from a

manager into a technical lead immediately

6. Just say that “I am giving you ALL my powers”

7. Don’t smile, don’t be jokey and show seriousness in your thoughts and approach…

AUTHORITY VS. PROCESS

Process: Developer says “I need a business requirements document, before I start the development process.”

Authority: Manager says “Who gives requirements here? Just do as I say, documents can be done later!”

MOTIVATIONAL TECHNIQUES First ask about the JINX (gist)

of the issue! Invite your favorite

developers and show an inspiring YouTube video. That’s 20 minutes well spent.

Talk with mouthful of cup noodles and enjoy the reaction.

Invite developers for lunch and then go alone...

Ask developers to join for CAB ride and then tell them to PAY.

Place your arm on team members shoulder and say “I fired that guy”

Invite fasting developers for lunch and eat mouthful of food.

INVERSE SPIRAL DEVELOPMENT MODEL Step 1: First develop a

demo, then get requirements and then deploy and test. OR Just deploy then develop then get requirements and then scrap the whole thing.

Step 2: Instruct Team lead to draw a SDLC process.

Step 3: As usual, developer must and should provide documentation.

EFFECTIVE MEETING STRATEGY…

Call meetings without any agenda. If someone is late just ask “IF HE WANTS MERCEDES TO COME FOR the meeting”

Never take meeting minutes, since it’s a waste of time.

After meeting you must forget everything, since it was out of context from the current issues.

Any random drawing becomes a design document.

MY MANAGERS WORLD...

His experience is more than his age and remains constant.

His joke sounds funny only to himself. His imagination is different from the actual

implementation (Reality distortion) Sees Green when everyone sees RED.

REPORT VS. DASHBOARD

Typical conflict resolution …Step 1: Give a dashboard, if

dashboard exists, then go to Step 2.

Step 2: Give a report, if reports exists, then give another report to compare the reports, else go to Step 3.

Step 3: Return to Step 1. Exit when the meeting is complete.

NEVER GIVE CREDIT TO ANYONE…

Labeling and version control For multiple developers

to work on a project/source file, label the code for development.

Use Clear Tone as a version control product.

A bug becomes a feature when management likes it… “Anyone can vote” becomes a feature.

Developer’s idea (if works) is managers idea.

QUOTES

Emotional quote…“At the bottom of your heart, you know that SOAP web services is not a effective solution, but you would still code for it.”

“Why was I not informed about this…”

“I am a technical guy.. I know BizTalk by heart. ” “I am very cunning and political”

“Where are we going for lunch…”

“Do you know how to write a select statement…”

“My role is that of a lubricator”

“Eh why…”

“I’ll conceive Elizabeth”

“I fired Sree”