forward hence the chicken

Forward hence the chicken

introducing a man that needs no introduction.

A compendium of the Reverend’s writingswith an introduction by

their collator and guardian Andrew Lines

I still remember with a great deal of affectation the day

sometime ago, I was asked to begin collating the recently discovered

books and papers of the bizarre individual, who is... the Reverend

Launceston P. Holsworthy. At first I was struck with surprise as I have

little or no experience of this kind of work and hadn't read a whole book

in ages. However after a few pints I struck up a conversation with the

man sitting at the bar to my left and, as the afternoon wore on I

discovered that he was indeed a very interesting gentleman. He regaled

me with tales of travel and far away places. Very little of which I can

recall at this moment but I do remember thinking at the time, that I

must remember how interesting his stories were. Thing is, I cant

remember now why I started telling you this because it wasn’t until

much later that the Reverend came through the door, a little worse for

wear and tear. He'd been self-medicating for some time and it was

apparent from his demeanour that he was having trouble finding the

correct dosage. He slumped through the door dressed as usual in his

pyjamas, dressing gown and carpet slippers convinced he'd just been

hit by a coronal mass ejection, which was highly unlikely considering

he'd only popped up the high street, and any melting of the man-made

fibres would have been clearly visible. Not only that but the satellite TV

screen hanging over the optics appeared to still be working normally.

Most of the reverend that was visible however, was glowing bright red

and the locals assumed it was only sunburn and either told him to put

some cream on it and cover it up or completely ignored him and carried

on drinking. He asked for his usual, a double Irish whiskey, and tripped

over a stool which he'd left at the bar a few hours earlier spilling 'a fine

drop' over the bar. The glass crashed on the bar as he crashed on the

floor. I of course, did the only decent thing and tried to ignore him

completely, but as nobody else was in the slightest bit interested and

were quite happy to leave him lying there, I thought I should help. After some bad-tempered struggling I managed to get him

upright and back on his seat, he thanked me as best he could, as it

quickly became clear that assembling meaningful sentences was not his

strong point. But as he sobered-up, I slowly engaged him in

conversation and eventually we began mulling over various interesting

topics and generally putting the world to right as is very often the case

in these kind of establishments. It was while we were deep in thought, that I thought I sensed

someone standing behind us. I knew I was correct when two arms

holding a large pile of dusty papers, thrust themselves between us

depositing the pile on the bar in puddle of spilt whiskey. A natural urge took

over me as I quickly grabbed them from the spillage they were soaking up

and moved them to a dry spot. When I turned back to look at who had put

them there I was surprised to see a rather prim middle-aged woman

sporting a vivid blue rinse, who reminded me of someone I'd seen on TV. Any

ideas of primness were soon shattered when she opened her mouth.“What in Gods name am I supposed to do with these?, I can't even

read your damn writing” she shouted, I couldn’t help but look at the top page

of the papers, not that it had anything to do with me, without thinking I

spoke out loud.“Looks OK to me, I can read it” the woman just glared at me and with

a flourish turned and walked out, shouting over her shoulder as she did so “Well you bloody do it then, I quit” most of this time the Reverend

had been sitting quietly with both elbows on the bar propping up his face. “Bloody secretaries” he almost spat.“You have a secretary? I'm impressed” “Don’t be, she's a pain in the arse, nag nag nag all the bleeding time

all I hear is 'when you gonna finish that book of yours' every... bloody...

day...!”“What are you going to do now?, she looked pretty serious about

quitting to me” his mates further down the bar nodded in agreement, as I sat

there a little shocked by his language.“Looks like you got yourself a job then, you did say you could read,

didn't you?” and so it was, that I got ambushed into doing something I know

nothing about. At this point I wasn’t even sure what it was that I knew

nothing about, if his secretary had stayed longer I suppose I could've asked

her. “Are you in tomorrow, that’s just the start of it, I've got loads more in

a drawer at home” he said pushing the dusty pile towards me.

The next time I saw him was at his home 'Naughsead', he had invited

me over when he discovered more documents from his time in Polynesia(?),

and had decided these should be included in 'his compendium' (as he had

taken to call it). Mind you, the fact that he found anything amongst the piles

of junk he had accumulated during his time in the church was a minor

miracle. Books, piled upon books, supporting shelves piled with books, every

where you looked you could see all manner of printed material and any space

that wasn’t taken up with books was covered to a considerable depth by

reams of loose hand-written notes, papers and diagrams. On the walls not

encased by books, was a veritable menagerie of stuffed creatures (most of

which were unidentifiable as any well-known species) that he had collected

on his travels. Indeed it was he who first introduced me to the Caribbean

Mountain Chicken (leptodactylus fallax) of which you may or may not be

aware. The mountain chicken was once found all over the Caribbean islands,

but over the last ten years its numbers have decreased by nearly eighty per

cent. For two reasons, volcanic activity in the area destroying parts of its

habitat, and the locals finding them delicious. The most notable thing about

the mountain chicken which would quickly become apparent should you

ever be lucky enough to see one, is that it looks nothing like a chicken as it is

in fact a toad. And by all accounts a very tasty one, being almost

indistinguishable from chicken, hence the name. In fact it is one of the

largest toads in the world weighing in at a considerable two pounds and

being almost the size of a dinner plate, which is a bit of a coincidence as

that’s where most of them end up.

And while we are on the subject, I have since learnt that every toad

except the ones most commonly found in Britain, commonly known as The

Common British Toad are either poisonous or hallucinogenic? From which I

assume that you have to at least be stupid enough put one in your mouth first.

Don’t know, never tried, but I've seen people who have, using a Mountain

Chicken and its not a pretty sight. Hilarious, but definitely not pretty.

Apparently the hallucinogen tastes very strongly of lemon and although this

works extremely well with chicken it also works extremely well at paralysing

your face muscles leaving you with what has been described as a bitter grin. I

have also heard it said, that people now travel from all over the globe to

experience this dubious pleasure under cover of darkness. It seems that the

hallucinogens are particularly powerful during the toads nocturnal cycle, so

powerful that, you can often see the toads on their cycles racing around at

night in the moonlit mountains. This of course means that more often than not

you end up sleeping during the day, but other than that we had a great time,

the hotel was lovely, and it had a pool and everything. And this was only the

beginning of many travels we had together whilst I researched some of his

more bizarre proclamations. Well I say 'researched' back in those days, pre

information super-highway, if you wanted to really check a place out there was

no alternative but to get up and go there. So we did, hence the chicken. He

told me how he had travelled from the Caribbean to Polynesia during one of

his early adventures and became one of the first Christian missionaries in that

beautiful archipelago. Which by my reckoning would have made him 135

years old at the time, so I would take a lot of this with a pinch of salt to be

honest. It took sometime for him to tell me the details of his departure from

the islands as it had always been a well kept secret especially by his church

superiors. Apparently it was something to do with him calling in the Navy to

ensure his safe passage when the local chiefs were enraged by his

suggestions that they were frittering away there lives, carving the the trees in

the area into what can only be described as makeshift surfboards. Each

morning they would paddle out to the reefs that surrounds the islands to ride

the crystal blue crashing waves. He hadn’t known at the time that to these

people this was a long held tradition going back hundreds of years

which they treated almost like a religion and they were extremely put

out that this 'blow-in' had cast doubts about it. I think its generally

accepted that he narrowly escaped with his life. But at least he stayed

long enough to get a good grasp of what was involved and continued to

spread awareness of this amazing ancient pastime upon his return

home. And if it hadn’t been for a couple of schoolboy-errors later in his

career he might well have still been a important member of the clergy.

Anyway, least said soonest mended and as time went on, I gradually

learned of why he decided 'organised religion' was no longer for him

and the extensive archive of material he had amassed to prove his

point. To encapsulate, he was convinced, mainly from watching

dubious television documentaries that our version of history is wrong

and that for many millennia prior to what was once thought of as 'the

beginning of man’s evolution' was in fact the end of a previous age we

have lost all knowledge of (If you overlook the many instances of

strange anachronistic occurrences in religious records). Generally he is of the opinion that we have become over-

dependant on arbitrary religious constructs while completely missing

their original meaning and that most organised religions are just

exaggerated myths based on astronomical predictions that were used

as a calendar to help organise early man’s daily life (such as when to

sow and reap crops). As you will see if you read more, he touches on

many other supposedly interesting subjects during, what some would

describe as the ramblings of a dangerously confused mind. Therefore

no responsibility will be taken whatsoever if anyone should take the

reverends proclamations as Gospel or try to recreate any of the his

spurious recommendations in the real world, whatever the Hell that is.

And that, Ladies and Gentlemen is how I first met the Reverend

Launceston P. Holsworthy (retired) and how I became the guardian of

the vague and various writings of a little known theologian and thinker,

and eventually publicised his firmly held beliefs.

And if you belief all that, you'll belief anything.

ABOUT THE AUTHOROnce thought a preposterous drunkard by friends and family alike,

After an uneventful life in the church, he decided there must be more to his than that, so he started looking for another one. Unfortunately due to circumstances beyond his control this led to him being accused of blasphemy by his superiors who in an fit of ecclesiastical embarrassment, forced him to retire and nothing more was said. That was until recently when reams of his writings were apparently discovered hidden in some dusty draw I wouldn't be at all surprised.

And it is from these supposedly long-lost papers that this compendium has probably been compiled.

.“And that, Ladies and Gentlemen is how I became the guardian of the

writings of a little known theologian and thinker, and eventually

publicised his firmly held beliefs,

And if you belief all that, you'll belief anything”.

Extracts from the writing's of

CLERGYMAN SCIENTIST, HISTORIAN AND EXTREME THINKER.

Reverend Reverend aunceston Launceston L . P. P olsworthyHolsworthyH (Retired)(Retired)

© AndielinesGraphicarts 2007

it’s probably about time

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THE THE

RANTINGS RANTINGS

OF A RELIGIOUS OF A RELIGIOUS

ETROBATERETROBATER

think I read somewhere t h e o t h e r d a y i n Isomething by Douglas

Adams or that bloke who wrote the 'Discworld' novels, I cant remember his name exactly, but he said, “In the beginning there was nothing, then it exploded”. Which in my humble opinion, is not only very funny but very telling too because although it sounds ridiculous put in that way, it is as near as makes no difference, the sum total of our knowledge of how the universe began.

The big bang is just an idea, a theory, a model to describe what we see its even called the standard model. But there are so many suppositions in its machinations that it would appear gravely flawed. It also appears to be accepted by some scientists as scientific fact which personally I doubt. The universe is supposedly only three times older than the earth which doesn’t sound right to me and obviously makes a mockery of the religious version of 6000 years.

THIS IS. . .

THE RANTINGS & RAVINGS

OF A RELIGIOUS RETROBATE . (enough alliteration already) ed.

Reverend Launceston P. Holsworthytranscribed from the Original manuscript

by Andrew Lines

Our best estimate is that the universe is 13.7 billion years old based on the presumption that it is expanding, working back to the point where the big 'banged'. Earth was formed over four and a half billion years ago and half a billion years later life began on earth. It's taken that long because the process of evolution has to explore all other possible permutations in the system first. Which, lets be honest, must take a while. The dinosaurs lived on earth for 165 million years before they were wiped out by a dubious asteroid impact and they were just an evolutionary blip. A very successful blip in evolutionary terms having wandered this earth far longer than man has, but a blip non the less.

And another thing, while we're near the subject what about Supernovae? Or to put it another way, what about the catastrophic collapse of a nearby star. In 1987 an e x p l o d i n g w h i t e d w a r f w e n t supernova, and was the closest event of its kind to earth since the i n v e n t i o n o f t h e t e l e s c o p e approximately 400 years ago. It was 17,000 light years away, with twenty times the mass of our sun. If one those puppies occurred within twenty five light years of earth the resulting pulse of gamma radiation would be so instantaneous that we would have no chance of predicting its arrival, and being brighter than a million suns would at the very least remove our protective layer of ozone,

probably knock out our magnetic field leaving us open to the full force of the suns radiation causing our instant disintegration and almost certainly bring about end life on earth, and I don't mean the David Attenborough TV series. Did you know there’s a satellite in space that continually searches for exploding stars that may cause a danger to us and when it finds one it emails the chief astronomers blackberr y? that's how important this is, man. At l a s t c o u n t t h e r e w e r e t w o supernovae a century in our galaxy of stars and my local council want to fine me for leaving my wheelie bin ajar! And don't get me going about the TV licence fee (Bear with me I'm going somewhere with this). So far we have found 850 near earth objects some of which are deemed harmful or at least have the possibility of damaging the earth in some way and when I say damage it's a matter of opinion and luck, how many of these are likely to hit earth if not any of them. But there is an asteroid one mile across called 1950da which basically is the most dangerous rock in space and it will definitely hit earth in 2880ad, guaranteed, with a force of 100,00 megatons.

Anyway were was I. 'The big rip' is another explanation put forward by scientists, this time to explain how the universe might end and is dependant on dark energy overcoming gravity, what?. But 'dark energy' is a scientific construct that

convoluted ly tr ies to explain something we have no way of gaining evidence for. Gravity's effects are perceived by us everyday, but as yet we have no serious hypothesis as to how it works (apart from Einsteins unsatisfactory musings). And I know because I've met him (we were at kindergarten together), I always wished he'd done something nice with his hair after all he was supposed to be the worlds greatest scientist for heavens sake. Space time continuum my arse, and I told him.

I had never had a high regard for my early teachers because I wasn't taught any of this at school it w o u l d h a v e b e e n a l o t m o r e interesting, but I suppose much of it wasn't even discovered at the time. Which makes me think if they do teach this mind boggling stuff in schools these days its little wonder these youngsters walk around all day completely oblivious to every thing and every one if there heads are full of the quandaries of the space time continuum or have I just done them a grave disservice, somehow I doubt it. While therapists invent convoluted mind games that most sane people would have no problem condemning as nonsense, astrophysicists with their geological philosophy invent new states of matter and energetic forces just to satisfy their own equations such as the big bang, pulsars and black holes, all of which are only models to explain why their theories don’t actually fit the evidence. Dark

energy and dark matter they say forms 90% of the fabric of the universe unfortunately they don’t now what it is or can prove that it is there. Over the last few years billions of pounds have been spent to build a machine 27 miles in radius to find a particle predicted by their theories. And there is no proof of their existence except in the scientific explanations. Unlike the millions of people starving to death w h o w o u l d h a v e b e e n v e r y appreciative of the food that money could have bought. Countless other millions have been spent looking for 'life' like us elsewhere in the universe, but even though the chances are infinitesimally small due to the billions of random evolutionary mutations that made us into what we are, when you consider the billions and billions of stars in the universe it is still highly likely that by our standards it wouldn’t be intelligent and highly unlikely we w o u l d b e i n c a p a b l e o f comprehending it . And that ’s a s s u m i n g t h a t t h e s h o r t , b y astronomical standards, few million year period it has taken to evolve is contemporary and coincides with ours. Or that its happening right now.

It is very often brought to my attention, and I do take offence, that people often take offence at my humble opinions, and in my humble opinion I think they should, because only by bringing it to peoples

attention can we begin to move forward and become better people. In today’s society we are expected to aspire to some standard of behaviour, I call it 'advert people' like in the world of TV where everybody jumps out of bed refreshed and invigorated after a good nights sleep untroubled by restless children. Then they usually shower in their designer bathroom, have a bowl of 'Kelloggs K' for breakfast (which keeps them fit and toned) and then drive to their well paid stress-free job in a sexy Italian penis extension, receiving admiring glances from pedestrians as they do so, I shouldn't be at all surprised. The question I always find myself asking is who are all these perfectly prefect people, because I don’t think they live round these parts and should we really aspire to this? Of course this is only marketing aspirations but in my experience people do take this nonsense seriously and assume this is how others actually exist (very often making themselves ill in the process). Why cant we just stop making life so difficult for our muesli selves, and look for a truer meaning to life, after all I would hate to be judged by the type of breakfast cereal I ate, wouldn’t you?

T o put it baldly, I think everybodies gone a bit soft and precious. It now seems perfectly acceptable to judge others we see as a problem to society while ignoring our o w n i n d i s c r e t i o n s i r o n i c a l l y

becoming even more gullible and conformist in the process. We apply irrelevant rules to pursue a vision of society that nobody in there right minds has either the will nor the intention of adhering to. Why do we assume we can do what ever we like, but when we see others doing something that doesn't fit within our frame of reference we have some misguided notion we've the right to stop them. On a very basic level this is entirely illogical captain, and as recent history has shown we cant afford to act like this any more, its time for a reality check. For the heavens sake it can't be that complicated can it? Historically man’s assumptions have always been more complex than the final answer. Take for instance the hoops they made the planets jump through to e xplain their mot ion , before Coper nicus (amongst others) realised that the earth was not at the centre of the solar system. In fact every vision of the future the human race has ever conceived has been at odds with the eventual reality. And there’s no reason why our present vision should be any different. One thing is certain, if we t h i n k s e r i o u s l y a b o u t p a s t civilisations we learn that no matter how clever we become we always have an uncanny knack of drowning in our own folly and cause cataclysms for ourselves which we then have to struggle to overcome.

History is full of examples of hugely successful major civilisations that suffered from their own success, the Romans, Greeks, Sumerian, Mayans, to name but a several. A question commonly asked is 'well if they were that civilised, why didn’t they see it coming and/or do something about it?' Good question. Why do we do that, ignore what is staring us in the face until its far too late? I guess it must be that the rulers of these ancient peoples feared change as it affected their position of authority. Hmm, where have I heard that before perhaps its best not left up to them then? History is also full of examples of rulers or religious leaders completely losing it when given a modicum of power, I mean the Spanish inquisition what in the name of god was that all about, in the name of God. Early religious 'leaders' and leaders who were 'religious' saw any deviation from normal accepted behaviour not as the product of a free creative spirit, but the workings of the Devil, and those who questioned their authority and the status quo as heretics.

Whole civilisations have died out because the type of society they have aspired to is generated by a blind belief in some higher purpose which is imposed upon them. The society then collapses when the people who are required to generate it, realise that the artificial barriers imposed upon them are irrelevant and the leaders no longer have a hold over

them. I’m no scientist but... what am I saying, of course I'm a bloody scientist, but anyway, astrology, astronomy and religion are so closely linked historically as to make a mockery of religious teachings and I cant imagine why people haven't worked this out for themselves yet. Even some of our most important scientists and foremost thinkers in this field are beginning to find cor respondences with ancient history and myths. So why don’t we all just stop this nonsense, grow up, and start looking for a new way forward and if we're going to act like children and can't get on with each other or play nicely together, then perhaps we should just leave each other alone like our mums used to tell us when we were kids. Its time to take stock of what we have and just realise, like our childhood, it might not last forever. Now I'm not saying that I'm going to refuse to pay my TV licence any time soon and I certainly don’t mean to upset anybody, but if ever there was a time for change it must surely be upon us.

(with sincerest apologies to

D o u g l a s A d a m s a n d T e r r y Pratchett.) Ed.



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Obituary

Friends and relativists, it gives me great sadness to report

this day the passing of one of my oldest and dearest friends. The

only cat I have ever had the pleasure of knowing, that was so

exceptional, I was inspired to write a book about him. And it was

while I was researching his eccentric adventures that I discovered

many amazing and mysterious facts. How many cats can you say

that about?

Joseph A. Gravity was a different kind of genius, while at home

in the garden he seemed to be perpetually at odds with his

surroundings, his long black and white hair was at best very untidy,

and at worst completely uncontrollable in anything above a stiff

breeze. This made striking poses in the sun not quite so dramatic as

he intended, and I hesitate to mention, the state he got into

during outdoor toiletry adventures on excessively windy days.

However, almost nobody was aware of his alter ego, the graceful and

dynamic Andy-Gravity (Maverick space renegade) who lived

completely in tune with his environment. Not being affected by

gravity quite so much as we are, he was able to jump great distances

with ease. So much so, that taking into consideration the planet

he was on and the speed with which his brain could travel, he could

appear almost instantaneously wherever he chose, almost but not

quite.

Rev. Launceston P. Holsworthy

Nughsead Cottage

THE VICARAGE,

Later, when he discovered my intention to expose this shaggy

dog story so bizarre as to make The DaVinci code seem totally

believable, he made me swear not to publish in his lifetime. Adding

that in his opinion, he would be mortified with embarrassment if

the general public should ever heap upon him the praise that would

inevitably arise, should they ever find out the true extent of his

heroic exploits on the feline frontiers of space.

It would be good if right at this moment the page started to

blur right in front of your eyes and then go all wobbly like those TV

programmes when they want to signify that you are now going to see

everything that's happened up to that point in a retrograde montage

(not to be confused with the popular synth-based trio of the same

name), but you'll just have to use your imagination.

Which leaves me nothing more to say other than, just as when

he used to dodge the missiles thrown at him by gardeners while

going to the toilet in their herbaceous borders, he will be

missed...big time.

Joseph Andrew 'Andy' Gravity

(Maverick space renegade)

19??-2007

Rest in Space.


March 3rd 2007


Nughsead Cottage

THE VICARAGE,



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or what is known by some in the church as ‘the five P ‘medal,

and that's nearly a shilling in old money.

Extracts from the acceptance speech of

REV. LAUNCESTON P. HOLSWORTHY. Upon receiving the dubious honour of. . .

The Inter denominational

GOLD MEDAL awarded annually for

PREPOSTEROUS PRAGMATIC

PREVARICATION

PRESBYTERIAN PEDANTRY.

and

PREPOSTEROUS PRAGMATIC

PREVARICATION and

PRESBYTERIAN PEDANTRY.

Ladies and gentlemen, it may come as some surprise to you that I am here tonight, to tell you

of a completely new word of my own invention, and I would now like to share

it with you if I may. The word is 'Philosophistry' and if there isn't a Science of

Philosophistry then maybe there should be. It's a combination of the words

philosophy and sophistry. I'm sure the more learned of those present do not

need to have their meanings explained to them. But at risk of teaching my

collective grand-mothers to suck eggs, I thought a short explanation might be

acceptable. The dictionary states that Philosophy is 'the search for truth and

knowledge concerning the universe, human existence, perception and

behaviour, pursued by the means of reflection, reasoning and argument', and

Sophistry as 'trying to make a valid point by using plausibly deceptive or

fallacious reasoning'. Now is it just me, or do these two things need to be

combined? If the human race is able to accept a belief in some higher-being

what ever denomination that might be, with no proof or discussion required

or allowed. Is it not reasonable to have doubts about ones faith and question

with equal fervour the scientific principles, that some say, are supposed to

replace them.I don't consider myself any kind of quantum physicist or indeed much

of a philosophiser, but I do consider myself intelligent enough to make logical

sense of the things I watch on the television and quite remarkable they are

too, in fact I would like to remark on them now. Recently, after just such an

episode I couldn't help but think everything is completely pointless. "What

poppycock!" I hear you exclaim and you may well be correct. But I'm not

talking on a personal level, I mean in the big scheme of things. Of course, life is

anything but pointless on a personal or family level and I'm sure all of us have

loved ones that we care about immensely. But after a moments thought it

soon becomes evident that on a larger scale the Universe we live in cares not

one jot about the arbitrary evolutionary outcome that populates this tiny

speck of a planet. I find it extraordinary how these so-called scientists can look at

everything, on an infinitely small scale and infinitely large scale. What's even

more amazing is some of the deductions they make from their observations. I

think my own observations on this are best described by an analogy. Imagine if you will, lets say, four pages of A4 paper printed with any

text you like, its not important what it says. If you had no knowledge that it

was language (lets suppose you just arrived from another planet) you could



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use your brain-power to detect regular patterns in the use of the separate

symbols and how groups of symbols repeated themselves depending on the

symbols adjacent to them. You could even draught complex equations to

predict the occurrence of specific symbols and groups of symbols, and fractions

to suggest each symbol's occurrence on specific pages. It would also be possible

to devise a precise scientific model of how the symbols worked together. But

you would still be no closer to actually understanding the meaning of the text.

As without the key, without the necessary intellectual insight or remote

viewpoint, it's difficult to deduce what you are actually looking at. This seems

to be where current scientific thinking has left us, and to use another well

worn analogy, we seem to know the cost of everything, but the value of

nothing. Since we have increased our capacity to look into the depths of the

space that surrounds us, it has become blatantly obvious that on an

astronomical scale we are so insignificant as to beggar belief. And you haven't

got to be a rocket surgeon to appreciate that to entertain any notion that we

can explain the universe from our tiny neighbourhood within it or to

hypothesise about its size and shape or to think that humans might develop

the technology to travel the huge distances to reach a viewpoint so remote as

to make sense of its whole, is mere folly. The best we can hope for is to develop

theories about the viewable part of our galaxy and try to explain why we

think we are here, using our very limited emotional vocabulary. T o persuade

ourselves we can do more is, in my own humble opinion, complete scientific

arrogance. As we speak eminent scholars are no doubt considering travelling to

other planets with the intention of colonisation, when in fact we can't even

live peacefully side by side on this one. We regularly fool ourselves with our own self-importance and create

hoops that we must jump through to satisfy some measure of success, and then

judge others by those dreadful conceits. We look at our achievements and pat

ourselves on the back to congratulate ourselves on how clever and superior our

technologies are. When in reality all we have done so far to our planet or

should I say 'to our environment', is limit its ability to sustain us, and that's not

so very clever is it? Make no mistake, we don't need to 'save the earth' the

Earth is perfectly capable of ironing out any calamities we might cause, we

actually need to save ourselves, from ourselves. And who knows perhaps one

day we might be able to understand what all of those 'symbols' really mean.




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May I take this opportunity to offer all my new face book friends the warmest of welcomes, and just say that I hope to join you all

deep in prayer very soon, but first . . .

The Gospel Truth according to REV. LAUNCESTON P. HOLSWORTHY.

PEDESTRIAN FUNDAMENTALIST.

WHAT ON EARTH WAS I THINKING,

AND WHEN?

WHAT ON EARTH WAS I THINKING,

AND WHEN?A load of old stuff,

and nonsense.



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An evening with a somewhat intoxicated,

Rev. Launceston P. Holsworthy. Transcribed from the original audio recordings.

(He goes on a bit) ed.

Retired

Recording begins

s I was saying, before we fully understood Acontinental drift it was a mystery to scientists

how dinosaur fossils could be found on every continent. As it

was assumed that although cleverer than we probably give

them credit for, they were not advanced enough to travel

between continents and certainly hadn’t invented any form of

what we would call 'shipping'. Which caused a problem until it

was discovered that the continents were once joined together in

a large land mass, well into the time when dinosaurs ruled the

earth. I would have much preferred it if they had travelled the

globe in primitive sailing vessels of their own making but, I

guess you cant have everything, unless you've got a Swiss army

knife. If we think logically about changes that earth has

experienced there’s a pretty good chance it may not have

always been the same size, in fact if you think about it for a

moment its quite obvious it hasn’t. The earth didn’t

immediately come into being at exactly the size it is now, it

accrued from other fragments drifting round our galaxy being

pulled together by a huge and unyielding gravitational or

electromagnetic force which is far more likely in my opinion.

the electric universe theory would quite simply explain all this

using physics we already understand but have overlooked

apparently. (I smell a rat and you wouldn’t have to be too cynical

to suggest that this is scientists best guess. As if they admitted

they didn’t know their grants would be in jeopardy, but lets not

be cynical). Not only that, a proto planet called Thea, or possibly

a comet, collided with earth long ago, its not that I cant

remember scientists are just unsure apparently. This added to

its mass and increased its gravity, could this have been a kick-

start for evolution by depositing its bacterial cargo? The debris

from this massive collision, its supposed, formed the moon. As the planet grew the forces and effects it would have

would be enormous, but who's to say that this is the only

habitable stage of it's evolution. What if at some point in it's 4.8

billion year history it wasn’t smaller or larger and with a

commensurately smaller or larger atmosphere, gravitational

field and climate amongst other things. What kind of organism

or creature would evolve under those conditions only to be lost

after millions of years as it slowly evolved when the planet grew

larger or smaller and its gravitational field increased or

decreased or it cooled down or heated up. I don’t know I'm just

spit-balling here, do you get my drift? But anyway, Earth has

certainly had to make some major adjustments to its climate

when viewed against, the now scientifically proven, geological

and astronomical changes that have taken place. For instance I

give you one small but by no means insignificant fact, the length

of the earth's year was considerably longer during its history in

the time of the dinosaurs the year was 370 days long and had

been steadily decreasing due to the gravitational effects the

moon was having, slowing earth’s orbit around the sun.

irrelevant fact, men have studied the moon and used its phases

as a calendar for at least 15,000 years. Of course that's not to

suggest that any of these changes took place over-night. Perhaps

I should also point out that the length of our 'days' was probably

affected too.The changes this would have on any creatures inhabiting

the planet at the time is anybodies guess. It is now also thought

that disturbances in earth’s orbit may have even thrown up

genetic mutations. When we now try to suggest some meaning

or relevance to what amounts to tiny changes in earth’s climate

and that it is some precursor of catastrophe and illustrative of

our effects on the climate, its 'over egging the pudding' in the

extreme. These global cycles have happened before and by

definition will certainly happen again, although they only seem

to happen at a speed which incidentally is in tune with man’s

ability to resist their implications. Ice ages are one example of

the effects of these cycles, which are predictable due to the

precession of the axis and other gradual changes in the earth’s

elliptical orbit around the sun. During the last one about ten

thousand years ago the huge amount of sea water locked up in

the ice sheets caused the sea level to drop by hundreds of feet.

This would have had a major effect on the climate, and some

parts of the world which we assume have always been dry and

dusty desert would have had significant rainfall. Which would

have come in very handy if you wanted to grow enough grain to

feed a work force of thousands who were building your shiny

new pyramid in Egypt. And while I'm on the subject, when the

climate returned to 'normal' as is obviously the case, where did

all the sand come from?When looking at the archaeological remains in areas

where fantastic stone structures of indeterminate age have

been found, it is often assumed that no workforce was available

or that no such peoples existed due to the present climate. The

more ephemeral part of civilisations however is very often

over-looked and I think we must take into consideration that

much of these societies would have lived in temporary

structures and left no permanent trace. Under climatic

changes that would have affected the Giza plateau there would

have been more than enough fertile land beside the River Nile

to support the craftsmen needed to build the structures we see

today.It is now thought possible that many of the civilisations

extant on the earth during the last ice-age, of which the early

Egyptians or there predecessors where probably one, had at

their disposal a piece of equipment, basically a simple hand held

device for working out angles by line of sight, to navigate by the

stars. Not only that but it would have helped them build

impressive structures and could have certainly computed the

dimensions of the earth, and coded them into the Great

Pyramid. Incidentally this piece of equipment looks very much

like a simplified Celtic cross and some think that this is where

the 'Christ on the cross' myth originates. So bringing all this

together, they could navigate by the stars, they knew the size of

the earth, they could use it at sea as easily as on land, they had

boats, and if they could travel they could trade. All of which

suggests that in general these people were a touch more

gregarious than we give them credit for. I can’t imagine what

they would have thought should they have ventured past the

pillars of Hercules and seen icebergs floating by.Plato the Greek philosopher, put together a fable to

demonstrate man’s folly, a kind of parable, a veiled attack on what

he saw as the wrong in his society, whether anybody took any

notice of it at the time is open to question. One thing does strike

me as true however is the fact that he used stories and events

from his time and what he saw around him, to create the basis of

his teachings. And it is this that has caused many of the

discrepancies regarding the 'Atlantis myth'. There was a

fantastic city or civilisation at the mouth of the Mediterranean

or what they would have called 'the pillars of Hercules' which was

inundated by the sea and its ruins are still there for all (scuba

divers) to see, covered by tens of feet of water just off the straits

of Gibraltar (in fact there are three submerged towns/cities in

the area) there was also a major civilisation just prior to Plato’s

time on the island of Thira. Unbeknown to most of the very

successful merchants that lived and traded from its ports around

1600BC, it was built over the mouth of a volcano which wasn’t

quite as dormant as they may have thought. When it finally

erupted the shock created an enormous tsunami that devastated

the Minoan society on the island of Crete, which sat minding its

own business about 80 miles away across the Aegean sea, and

there wasn’t a lot left of Thira either, except the ring of its

caldera poking above the water creating the beautiful group of

islands that now form what we call Santorini. On the island of

Crete you can still find to this day, seashells scattered over the

coastal hills 26 metres above sea level. So you see, Plato had

plenty of historical occurrences to draw upon for his 'fable'

although they may not have all been describing the same thing,

he just combined them for ease of narration and story-telling.

Pretty much like what I'm doing now. Which I think has led to

some misunderstandings. Its easy when talking about these

catastrophes to over-look the human cost and the effect it

would have had on local population, whose only understanding

of 'nature' was that most of it was directly influenced by their

God or gods. Which must have left them a little disappointed

to say the least. It is entirely logical to assume that these types

of events must have happened before, indeed, this type of

event has probably happened a number of times throughout

the earth’s 4.8 billion year history and probably during man’s or

at least what we think of as 'man's time on Earth. From 2.5 million years ago to 11,000 years ago 'man' was

basically a hunter gatherer so we are expected to believe that

for over two million years man did very little growing

mentally until about 12.000 years ago when he decide to start

building megalithic structures without the wheel or metal

tools. It is now generally accepted that what we would

recognise as the human species has been walking this planet for

195,000 years, that is physically identical creatures to us. We

evolved into intellectually identical creatures about 95,000

years later. Which means that cognisant and sentient people

just like us have been on the Earth for at least 100,000 years.

During which time 'we' have witnessed and been affected by

countless natural disasters. Now bearing in mind that what we

could call our 'ancient history' goes back only about 12000 years,

I cant help thinking, what happened during the other 90,000

years or so? Our ancient history is full of tales of changes to the

earth, such as fire, earthquake, flood (sea level change) and even

changes to the atmospheric conditions such as plagues,'day

turning to night' (volcanoes), planets disappearing or changing

position in the sky, and other unexplainable astronomical

phenomena. Personally I don’t think its naïve or unacceptable to

think there must have been a grain of truth in some of these

tales. The fact that they have been enlarged upon and distorted

when transposed between the existing mythologies of

civilisations, only serves to illustrate man's need to adjust

scientific reasoning to fit within the religious teachings

prevalent at the time. Which are more often than not just

propaganda tools used to threaten the uneducated, and to

encourage them to conform to the whims of their leaders. It's not

perhaps so surprising then that most religious teachings are,

when looked at in detail as I have, convoluted nonsense. The of

Gilgamesh 2000 years before the bible talked of things directly

analogous to the Noah myth and the Adam and eve in the

garden of Eden myth. Are we really to suppose these stories

were passed down from the gods rather than just invented by

mortals to control the population. Religion was horrified by the

emerging view that the earth was not at the centre of our

planetary system as it went against their teachings that they

were using to control their positions. Not only that but it

challenged the word of god and the principle that man and god

was the centre of everything. Galileo was hauled up before the

pope to explain himself and was forced to recant. Just how

ridiculous is that knowing what we know now. History is just a version of events built up using vague

relics we have found, and myths and legends that have persisted,

coloured by our modern perspective as we try to make sense of it

and put it into some kind of order. Due to this it is so open to the

prejudices of those interpreting it as to make it unreliable in the

extreme. Scholars today seem to imagine that we are at the

pinnacle of man’s evolution and technological advancements,

Extracts from the writing's of

CLERGYMAN SCIENTIST, HISTORIAN AND EXTREME THINKER.

Reverend aunceston . olsworthy (Retired)L P H Reverend (Retired)aunceston . olsworthyL P H

when in fact even a cursory glance of the archaeological

remains would suggest otherwise. It is my opinion that rather

than the pinnacle we are just at an indeterminate part of a

natural cycle, driven by the rhythms of our planet. I often

laugh when I hear the conspiracy theorists trotting out their 'it

had to be aliens' concoctions with regard to unexplained

artefacts. Wouldn’t a more 'scientific' version of events suggest

that our ancestors may have been more intelligent and

advanced than we think. After all there has certainly been

enough time for major civilisations to have come and gone

throughout our history given the enormous time-scales

involved. And there is certainly no good reason to think that

every relic that points skyward is evidence of some deep

religious meaning or belief in superior beings or 'Gods'. My goodness lets face it, if you don’t stand for something

or for anything. . . that’s not right, if you don’t stand for

something you'll fall for something. . . no hang on, if you don’t fall

for anything. . . actually I'm getting a bit tired now.

Don’t forget... to look up.

(Recording ends) ed.

Letter to the editor in chief

Sir,

It was with great sadness I received the news of the

unfortunate death on our fine local beach. I have often seen groups of

these young travellers as they prepare themselves and their

equipment, on my early morning strolls at the waters edge. I stand

amazed as they launch themselves against the maritime mayhem.

They seem to cling to the shelter of the groynes to harness the

returning flow and gain access to the larger open faces further out in

the relative calm. But somehow in even more danger from the

onslaught.

I suppose this could be a valuable lesson for us all during these

difficult times we find ourselves in. Perhaps we could learn that

sometimes its better to shelter and allow ourselves to revise,

recuperate and reflect rather than thrash directly against whatever

life can throw at us.

In fact, I was discussing this only the other day with my

close friend Joseph , who shall remain nameless. He had remarked

how things that at the time seem very small, upon refection often

turn out to be the largest and most important of natures gifts. Like

walking on the sand in the early morning sunshine and witnessing

the great forces of nature in all their beautiful testament.


Nughsead Cottage

THE VICARAGE,

My heartfelt condolences go out to the unfortunate surfers

family, and I respectfully suggest he may at this very moment be

surfing amongst the stars above us and that the aforementioned

forces are with him

Sincerely yours,

Rev. Launceston P. Holsworthy, (retired)


Nughsead Cottage

THE VICARAGE,

AND YOU CAN

KEEP YOUR FAITH

THE PAST IS NO LONGER WHAT IT WAS.

So what’s the worst that could've happened ?

It was in the year 325BC at the council of Nicea, king Constantine

decided to edit the Bible, in what can best be described as an act of religious

censorship. Anything that didn't fit with the 'church's' thinking at the

time was edited out. One of the works removed was the book of Enoch. This

ancient text, which told the story of a race of superior beings that came down

to Earth from above, was lost together with thousands of other ancient texts

in the fire at the library at Alexandria. It's contents were almost forgotten

until the discovery of the Dead sea scrolls, which at this moment are still

under strict security as the church doesnt want the translations published.

In fact people who have tried have had their careers tarnished by unknown

forces or in some cases, farces. John Marco Allegro was the only independent

scholar on the committee assembled to investigate and translate the dead

sea scrolls, all the others were senior members of the church. He was

denigrated when he translated and interpreted them, in a manner that was

considered to be ‘incorrect’.

Fantastical events have been recorded in the writings of ancient

scribes from many ancient civilisations all over the world. A very well

documented and persistent myth is that a race of giants existed on earth

before a 'great flood' wiped them out. Lets suppose for a moment we can take

this at face value, as these giants are well described in many texts so we

really need no stretch of the imagination.

The giants, it is written, lived 'in the north', so we can assume that

means somewhere north of the fertile crescent to put it into some global

perspective. The bible says that, after a 'great flood', the giants helped us

mortals rebuild our cities and temples. Which I find totally believable when

you see the size of the blocks they used in their construction, as no normal

man could lift blocks half the size of the ones they had obviously moved

around and fitted together like Lego bricks. Baalbek in Jordan is constructed

from huge megalithic stones which the bible also says was built by giants.

It is thought that they may have eventually died out because of the changes

in atmospheric conditions that had originally caused the 'great flood'

which is also well documented. Such changes as, a reduction in the

thickness of the ionosphere causing a drop in atmospheric pressure, the

flipping of the magnetic poles or changes in the earth’s gravitational field.

Or alternatively as some religious texts put it, when humans could no longer

feed them, the giants got angry and destroyed mortal man and eventually ate

all the animals too. In the original Hebrew texts they speak of Nephilim

which is their word for 'giants' the last of them on earth ruled his kingdom

to the north. The bible also says that while walking in the desert, Moses

sent out scouts to find a place to settle but when they came back they said

all they found was 'a land of giants'. In another part of the good book it says

that Moses was the one who had cast them out to the north in the first

place, where the last of them now lived. The king of 'Bashan', (the land of

the giants) was called Og and had six fingers on each hand and six toes on

each foot,and had many statues were made of himself. Indeed they have

found archaeological evidence to prove that giants once existed all over the

bible lands.

When looking at the diversity of dinosaur species, I suppose its

reasonable to imagine that another separate strand of our DNA may have

culminated with a race of people similar to us, but much bigger in size. For

example, imagine the step up from the most intelligent primates to us, and

then imagine a step up from us by the same amount to a race of super beings,

and I mean superior in every way. If there had been a reduction in the

earth’s gravity, would that not suggest that the creatures that lived here

may have grown larger due to this reduction, it would certainly explain why

many of the dinosaurs grew gigantic in size and possibly why they died out

or evolved into another form as the atmospheric conditions changed.

This 'book of Enoch' from the early bible has been overlooked and

ignored by many people who have taken every other word as the literal truth.

This seems to be the way through out history, as man struggles to gain the

power to improve himself. There’s always some arse to tell you you're doing

everything wrong, and we fall for it every time, with the vague promise of

something better and possibly supernatural. Although to be fair that would

depend on which version of the bible you were reading, yes didn’t you know

that? There are two versions of the bible depending on your religion. In fact

there have been many over the years, but the best one has got to be, the one

with the book of Enoch in it.

If I told you that there was an ancient Manuscript that the church

has tried to hide, in which. . . a race of giants are described in detail,

angels came down from heaven and lusted after all the comely wenches, god

then threatens to wipe clean the face of the earth with a 'great flood'

because he doesn’t like what’s going, (so someone had better get a boat sorted

out and put two of everything in it, just like in the bible). One of the good

angels then takes an earthling on a journey to see a structure which reads

like a description of the pyramids and then explains to him how the

universe works and all that. . . you would probably, severely doubt my mental

credentials, and think I’d gone completely nuts. Which maybe be true, but

the book of Enoch is an extraordinary catalogue of events and detailed

information on amongst other subjects, the dire consequences of annoying

God. OK, so I may have taken a few liberties for comic effect, but this is not

some sketchy paraphrasing of a bad translation, this is quite clearly and

unequivocally plainly written and the author truly believed this had

happened and that he was recording actual facts. When you see it on the

page, the original translation reads as if its written in some kind of back

formation, and the main points are repeated over and over, in many forms,

throughout it's thirty or so chapters.

Apparently Enoch had begotten quite friendly with God when he

started having dreams and visions and which ever way you look at it, oh

boy, did Enoch have some visions? To cut a long story shorter, basically this

is what he says happens.

A third of the 'angels' in heaven (so called because they could fly, I

guess) rebelled, and these bad angels started fighting with the good angels.

When god saw this he gave the bad angels the penitence of being banished to

earth, where it was their job to be 'watchers', and teach all the mortals how

to do farming and be nice to each other and stuff. It even lists the name of

the lead 'angels' and what their specific purpose in the team was, (which

reads like a crew list for the USS Enterprise).

Unfortunately there was an unforeseen problem when the watchers

found the mortal women irresistible, which made them lust after the

daughters of men and by all accounts the daughters of men lusted back, so

the inevitable happened and all the women got pregnant and their babies

all turned out to be 'giants'. Apparently the watchers gave them gardening

tips at the same time. This seriously annoyed Enoch who was one of God's

favourites and a brilliant man, but he felt the women were being led astray

and taken advantage of and he was not wrong. He even advised them to cover

their heads so the watchers couldn’t see how beautiful they were (He was

eventually taken up to live with God so he didn’t have to die, which was

nice). A good angel looked down and saw all this going on so he pointed out to

God that this was his responsibility and he really should do something about

it, which apparently God took rather well under the circumstances. Well I say

rather well, he told an angel to tell 'Noah' to build a boat because its going to

get a bit rough down there “when I go down and judge who's been good or bad

with the help of 10,000 of my best angels to kill all the people who didn’t

believe in me, by casting them into the fires of hell. But don’t worry everybody

else who's been good will be OK”.

He then sent St Michael to find the worst offender Joseph, and all the

other rogue watchers with the instruction to “kill them all and all the woman

and all their illegitimate cross bred children and make sure they all have a

really nasty death in a fiery chasm because I'm likely to set off some

volcanoes, the mood I'm in at the moment. And by the way, try to make

everyone forget about it, so they all still love me and make sure you find

everything bad on earth, as I don’t want any slip-ups, I want it to be perfect

next time”.

The book describes in detail how an 'angel' takes the eponymous Enoch

all over the world. pointing stuff out to him and how it all works. He was

shown the 'tree of knowledge' and told “that’s where your ancestors come from”

He meets God in full Hollywood style with marble halls, lots of extremely bright

back-lighting and of course they had a smoke machine and heavy metal

wind, I should think. He also made him aware of the way the sun, moon, stars

and planets (?) can be used for navigation as they follow a repeating cycle,

and that to understand them was the best way forward. However, this

information was not to be used straight away, but was to be stored for the

future. It included a very precise set of instructions. Imagine a set of

guidelines for life on earth, written for a visitor who had never been here

before, such as how the seasons affect the earth, and how this affects the

growing of crops, and the general habits of all the creatures on the earth and

which ones you could eat. Well it was like that.

For some reason which isn’t entirely made clear Enoch, who is

mentioned briefly numerous times in our present bible, gets blamed for all

this by default. The logic appearing to be “Well if you're that clever, why

didn’t you do something about it” Enoch's reply probably wasn’t what God was

expecting, as he told him to go forth and multiply (which was kind of his

line, really). The main reason for Enoch's sudden rush of chutzpah was that

he had a petition from all the 'watchers' who had been damned, asking for

them to be let out of purgatory so that they could become good people again.

Why Enoch thought that this would in some way trump God is anybody’s

guess. God's rather unforgiving retort was concise and to the point, he

couldn’t possibly let them go to heaven as he had already booked them a place

to rot, painfully in Hell. I guess there must have been a lot of time consuming

paper work involved.

Now I don’t know about you, but to be honest,

I find this all a bit strange.




God.tv

I can cycle on the promenade, But never on the path

Self-righteous meddling Councillors, they always make me laugh

There’s teachers knocking kids about, I guess they had to learn

That if you push a biologist too far, then worms is gonna turn

Politicians talking rubbish, they really need my vote

But once prosecuted for an open bin, now they haven’t got a hope

A huge oil-slick disaster, oh no, we did it again

And we’re supposed to really care about, who gets to number ten ?

Messers Brown and Clegg and Cameron, Solicitors, I should think

If they hadn’t closed down all the pubs, I’d like to turn to drink

Some public school boys messed it up, we have to save the buggered banks

They gave themselves ten million pounds, a note of personal thanks

So many pointless soldiers deaths and nobody gives a fuck

So corrupt and scheming politicians can house their sodden ducks

They say Obama’s doing really well a tiger I would bet

Humorous, sexy and efficient, and they haven’t shot him yet ?

Twenty four hour global news, fairness, truth and integrity

I’m looking for a leap of faith, but all I see is God.tv.


and another time peaceSome thoughts on early man, megaliths,

megawatts and magnetism

ByReverend Launceston P. Holsworthy

transcribed from the Original manuscriptby Andrew Lines

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year, a peace about Stonehenge.

Not exactly a henge to some people as it isn’t surrounded by a ditch, but

none the less, Stonehenge ironically embodies everything a henge should be, in

just about every bodies mind that expressed a preference. What must it have been

like in its new built granite glory possibly eight thousand years ago? If you lived on

the rolling plains that surround what we now call Salisbury you might see on a clear

day, far away in the distance, and when not clouded by the smoke from a hundred

peaceful home fires, the sun glinting from its surface. Too far away to visit regularly

but certainly a vivid visual reminder of specific times of the year. After harvesting

the crops in what was little more than a large paddock, which you had built with

your own hands to protect your families food from scavengers. The days would

grow longer and cooler as if to remind you that winter, by far the hardest time of

year, was sharpening its icy claws and for which you had spent all year stock-piling

provisions. In times when the crops didn’t need attending, you had sharpened a

few flints and spearheads to trade at the upcoming festival, you feel slightly

embarrassed still clinging to the old technologies but a man’s got to feed his mate

and young ones somehow. If you trade all you've made you should just be able to

get enough meat and drink to see you through until the sun comes back and its

time to plant again. Isn’t technology wonderful, to think you have the circle to thank

for that, which was why you decided to literally 'up sticks' and move here in the first

place. Thankfully the woman has got used to it now that you've been here a while.

But you have to keep learning new things and moving forward or you'll just get left

behind, as you had told her in no uncertain terms, in fact you told her you would

leave her behind. Up on the plain you could see the shadows on the henge and

knew, to within a week or two, exactly what the time was and you could sense the

young ones getting exited as the shadows moved across the ground signalling the

grand alignment, which meant the long nights had ended and you had the warmth

of the summer sun to look forward to. But first the festival, which was really the

whole point of being there. Nobody could remember who first built a sun circle on

this site but for as long as anyone could remember it had been accurate and

indispensable. Until it got to a point where the crowds that amassed there,

supposedly to find out when the sun was coming back, but mostly drawn by the

revelry that ensued, had made it necessary for the elders to make it more

substantial and impressive. They were now the smartest and most impressive

megaliths for miles around. Some of the lesser known circles had fallen into

disrepair as people began to travel further to the larger gatherings. And without

which things would be much more difficult, if not impossible around here.

What kind of world would you be living it if you had no way of knowing what time of

year it was, for heavens sake?

The nights became long as you would sit with nothing more to do than

watch the stars move across the sky, (especially now you'd finished digging the

new platform so the festival goers got a good view of the proceedings). After a

while you begin to notice patterns in the vivid nightly light-show and imagine them

as animals or monsters or even characters from old stories you'd heard.

Eventually, after the gradual progression of the star shapes through the sky, you

knew the critical time was drawing near and the number of people in the area

began to swell. Some that had come far used the circle in strange and different

ways, counting off the nights after the alignment before they celebrated their own

festivals that they'd enjoyed back where they left their families. You didn’t

understand why they did what they did, but I suppose you had to make everyone

welcome and you never knew what baubles they may have brought to barter for a

freshly sharpened axehead or what stories they might tell in the process. It was

always nice to get the woman something at this time of year to mark the turning of

the season, she had worked hard on the fields, even with the help of the young

ones which sometimes appeared to be more of a hindrance. The whole area grew silent as the lowly sun inched its way towards the

stone you could see in the distance and with which it was destined to align. A bright

flash seemed to fill the circle as a beam of sunlight pierced the megaliths and

illuminated that special place within. Almost at once you heard the appreciative

roar of the many tribes of various shapes and sizes standing, waiting, transfixed

and hundreds of lanterns began to glow all around, outlining the familial groups of

eager sun watchers. It wouldn’t then be long before the chanting and cheering

began, hundreds of people joined together to give thanks for the suns

goodness and who chanted and cheered for as long as they lungs would

allow. And you when you get back to the shelter exhausted you mustn’t

forget to give that cooking bowl you secretly made to the woman, and the

cups you made, to the little ones.

One should never stop wondering, universal peace through electricity?

In 1752 Benjamin franklin after experimenting with his kite summed it up

succinctly when he said quite simply 'the sky is Electric' and somebody else

who knew the astonishing difference just a stream of charged particles from

a distant star could make, was a Czechoslovakian inventor and he

understood this very well in the early part of the last century. The gifted

genius, Nikola Tesla, inspired by Indian mysticism went on to dream of

harmonising the energy in the earth, or should I say around the earth, a

dream he had nurtured all his life and eventually took to his grave. But first

through years of dedicated research, he was to become one of the most

over-looked, under-rated and influential engineers of recent times. Only

now are scientists beginning to understand the brilliance of his work as it

pre-empts and fore-shadows many of today’s digital discoveries. And it

wasn’t easy for him either, at the crux of his important experiments, his

laboratory mysteriously burned down under questionable circumstances.

He started again from scratch rebuilding years of work until he was once

again able to push the boundaries of science with the help of his financier

Mr. J P Morgan. Unfortunately Mr Morgan, wasn’t too impressed when he

discovered that Tesla was planning on supplying the world with free

electricity and he wasn’t going to make any money from the venture. It was

Tesla who we have to thank for amongst other technological marvels, our

'alternating current electrical supply' which was only made possible by his

research and experimentation. During which he claimed to have invented a

way to harness the innate electrical power that surrounds us and channel it

for societies benefit. He never had the chance to finish the project as

funding was cut as he was topping out the first of the towers that would

harness the natural energy in the atmosphere. It was later destroyed when

deemed a hazard by the military. To this day there's still heated discussion

whether his plans would have actually worked or not, but never the less, it

might have been nice to find out. It was round about the time that the world began to recognise his

genius, many years after his death, that a new theory emerged based on his

discoveries that was to question the fundamental principles that we

suppose makes our universe function. What we are talking about here is plasma, or put simply the electricity in space. It had been proposed by a few gifted individuals for over half a century but remained ignored by many scientists who seemed to prefer a mathematical model. kristian Birkeland suggested that the aurora visible around the earth’s

poles was actually evidence of an electromagnetic link between our planet and the sun, and was roundly admonished by his peers for his trouble. It was thought impossible in his day because the general consensus was that space was 'empty' and contained no mechanism for these processes to take place. In fact this process, when twisting and spiralling plus and minus charged particles form into threads capable of travelling vast distances almost instantaneously through space, is now accepted by science and named after him as 'Birkeland currents'. Another brilliant and forward thinking physicist who carried on with Birkeland's work, Hannes Alfven generally regarded as the father of plasma physics, was ignored for years as his views didn’t support the accepted mathematical model.

It is well documented that both Einstein and Newton failed to mention

electromagnetism in their supposedly complete theories, which

incidentally have been challenged by plasma physics and much of Einstein’s

work, that up to now we have been told to take as indisputable fact, has now

been debunked. Actually there is more evidence for the 'electric universe

paradigm' than any other alternative and as the inquisitive open their minds

to this new way of thinking other 'problems' become quite straightforward to

explain, such as radio noise (which is part of the electromagnetic spectrum)

emanating from Jupiter. Astronomers have argued over what caused the

planetary scarring visible through their telescopes on some of the planets

and moons in our solar system for years, suggesting that it must have been

due to unexplained geological forces at some point in their history. A much

more intuitive and logical answer is that the huge welts across their surfaces

are the remnants of cataclysmic electro-magnetic discharges by a process

akin to being hit by a million thunderbolts and experts call 'electrical

discharge machining'. This happens when electro magnetic pulses jump

between planets or other celestial bodies in close proximity and it has been

suggested that the remnants we see on the surface of Mars, are the result of

either, the planets occupying different orbits than they do today or perhaps

rogue planets sweeping past in elliptical orbits, similar to the way that

comets occasionally travel through our solar system. One thing is sure, that

at what ever level you look at the fantastic world we live in, you can find

electrical charges of differing strengths and where there’s electricity you will

always find magnetism, it's a basic principle of science, that you cant have

one without the other and vice verse. As we live on a revolving electrically

charged planet with a magnetic core, who knows what effects we may

discover it having on our species in the future.


“Tod

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Nik

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I am certainly aware that you'd be hard pushed to find a link

between these two subjects, but that doesn’t stop one wondering, does it?



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“TODAY'S SCIENTISTS

Have Substituted Mathematics For Experiments,

And They Wander Off Through

EQUATION AFTER EQUATION And Eventually Build A Structure

WHICH HAS NO ”RELATION TO REALITY

Nikola Tesla

SOME THOUGHTS ON DEBT BY A DAY-TIME SLEEPER

Sorry to be the bringer of bad news, but you only have to look at the news to

realise that society has failed catastrophically. Soon everybody will begin to feel

the effects (if they haven't already, I know I certainly have) of an unending

downward spiral of living standards. They tell us that we are all in debt and, lest

we forget, all in it together.

But how can this be in what on some level at least would appear to be, a fully

functioning society.

Every group of people, no matter how large, needs a fair reward system to

function. Enabling ordinary people to make for themselves, by the fruit of their own

creativity, a more comfortable and purposeful existence.

Our present reward system is based on the untenable principle of perpetual

growth from debt. Which would be fine if the 'debt' created used a currency that was a

fair medium of exchange and which benefited the people who used it, by supporting

society's infrastructure and added positively to the living experience of us all.

Unfortunately, under the system we have at the moment, which has led us directly to

this dire situation, the very function of living has been diverted to make a very

small number of people very rich and it would seem for no other purpose than

richness itself. In it, Private institutions like the (very un) Federal Reserve and the

Bank of England invent money (and ultimately 'profit' for themselves) by buying

'national debt' from governments. They then lend it to us, to use as currency, so that

we can pay taxes to the government which it needs to pay off the national 'debt'.

Seriously, I'm not kidding this is basically how it works. Not forgetting of course

that the banks charge us interest at varying degrees to suit themselves, so that we

can in effect use our own money. It seems ironic to me that these people haven't the

wisdom to realise that by acquiring all the wealth in world, to everyone else's

detriment, they will have rendered it worthless.

The whole function of debt, and the principle concept of the term, is that it

must at some point be repaid or redeemed. So we are in a bizarre situation where

'money' is created and supported by a 'debt' that can never be repaid because of the

interest outstanding on the debt itself. As I mentioned earlier, it is this 'debt' that

will supposedly lead to 'growth'. Incidentally, logic would assume that if no notion

of redemption exists, then no 'debt' has been incurred, but that's another story.

We will soon require a new form of currency, and if we want it to be valid, the

only answer is to start again from nothing with a great deal more forethought. And

when you look at it like that, its difficult to understand why nobody has given it

more forethought before.



Priory Lane, Noughshead

THE VICARAGE,



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Please Do Not Micturate Whilst Using My Bathing FacilitiesAnd Then Protest That You Have Imbibed Of That Very Same Liquid.

or to put it another way....

More tea Vicar?More tea Vicar?ASK THE REVEREND.

Just the FAQs man, just the FAQs.

By the

Reverend Launceston P. Holsworthy

Frequently asked questions from the anals of

conoclast, Once thought of as a preposterous drunkard

by friends and family alike.

a little known Theologian, Alternative thinker, Clergyman scientist ,Adventurer, Historian and I

n

You cant put that!


.blogspot.com

Why did you retire?

Why do they call you 'the late Reverend.....' when you're obviously not dead?

What would your best advice be, to someone at a difficult juncture in their life?.

Who the Hell is this 'Andie Lines' character?

Is there any truth to the rumour that you are releasing an album fusing Hip-Hop

That's actually a misprint, it should read 'retried' it concerns a couple of school-

boy errors, of which I was completely exonerated on appeal by the highest court in

the land, I'll have you know.

I don’t remember anybody actually accusing me of having shuffled off this mortal

coil, I’m definitely not dead, but often accused of being late.

Never wear the same pair of shoes all day.

Never wash a suit jacket separate from the trousers.

Never try to syringe your own ears.

Never iron your jumpers.

Socks and sandals can be 'cool' under the right conditions.

There’s always some body cleverer than you.

“Religion is the last refuge of a man with no argument and no answers”

The reality is more fantastical than anything we can invent.

And never misunderestimise yourself.

A very good question and one which I very often ask myself. He’s certainly not all

he’s cracked up to be, other than that, he’s just a bloke I met in the pub and with

whom I now have a vague publishing agreement.

None whatsoever. But leave it with me.

music with Country and Western music and calling it 'Hic-Poppity'?

If you would like the Reverend to address any of your own deep and meaningful questions you can contact him at

forward hence the chicken

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