Forgiveness

Forgive

and

Be Healed

Forgive

and

Be Healed

The Spirituality & Science of Forgiveness

The Spirituality & Science of Forgiveness

What is forgiveness?-Reducing or eliminating resentment and motivations toward revenge

-in close relationships to include more than merely getting rid of the negative.

-Everett Worthington Jr.,

The New Science of Forgiveness

What is forgiveness?-Reducing or eliminating resentment and motivations toward revenge

-in close relationships to include more than merely getting rid of the negative.



Instead, he becomes more motivated by feelings of goodwill, despite the offender’s hurtful actions.

In a close relationship, we hope, forgiveness will not only move us past negative emotions, but move us toward a net positive feeling.



Instead, he becomes more motivated by feelings of goodwill, despite the offender’s hurtful actions.

In a close relationship, we hope, forgiveness will not only move us past negative emotions, but move us toward a net positive feeling.



Dr. Everett L. Worthington Jr.

What it is:

Researchers studying the health benefits of forgiveness generally

define it as the process of letting go of the pain, anger and resentment caused by an

offense.

What it is:

Researchers studying the health benefits of forgiveness generally

define it as the process of letting go of the pain, anger and resentment caused by an

offense.

What it isn't:

Forgiveness isn't denying the hurt, or staying in a relationship that is

not healthy.

It is not instant; premature forgiveness could be a sign of low self-esteem or other problems.

What it isn't:

Forgiveness isn't denying the hurt, or staying in a relationship that is

not healthy.

It is not instant; premature forgiveness could be a sign of low self-esteem or other problems.

“Forgiving does not mean excusing, forgetting or

pretending that an offense never occurred.”

-Julie Juola Exline,

associate professor of psychology

Case Western Reserve University in Cleveland

“Forgiving does not mean excusing, forgetting or

pretending that an offense never occurred.”

-Julie Juola Exline,

associate professor of psychology

Case Western Reserve University in Cleveland

Why it matters:

Hundreds of studies have linked forgiveness to improved physical and

emotional well-being.

In controlled tests at the University of Wisconsin Madison, for example,

researcher Robert Enright sums up the findings in two words:

"Forgiveness works."

Why it matters:

Hundreds of studies have linked forgiveness to improved physical and

emotional well-being.

In controlled tests at the University of Wisconsin Madison, for example,

researcher Robert Enright sums up the findings in two words:

"Forgiveness works."

Last July 2008, the journal Mental Health, Religion and Culture reported

that people who forgave had decreased odds of depression

Last July 2008, the journal Mental Health, Religion and Culture reported

that people who forgave had decreased odds of depression

Charlotte vanOyen Witvliet, an associate professor of psychology at

Hope College in Holland, Mich., researched on what physical effects

people exhibited when they remembered the transgressions

against them.

Charlotte vanOyen Witvliet, an associate professor of psychology at

Hope College in Holland, Mich., researched on what physical effects

people exhibited when they remembered the transgressions

against them.

When people remembered the transgressions, the bio-markers

showed elevated stress and tension.

When she had them think about forgiveness, she says the results

were significant.

Her team found that vets who had trouble with forgiveness

experienced more problems with PTSD.

When people remembered the transgressions, the bio-markers

showed elevated stress and tension.

When she had them think about forgiveness, she says the results

were significant.

Her team found that vets who had trouble with forgiveness

experienced more problems with PTSD.

As for the immune system, the theory is that unforgiveness is a personal

stressor, which means every time it is felt, it triggers a stress reaction.

Cortisol, a hormone produced by the adrenal glands, rushes to the body's

defense, contributing energy, suppressing inflammation and even

regulating the deposition of fat in the body.

Too much cortisol, however, can interfere with the immune system

over time.

As for the immune system, the theory is that unforgiveness is a personal

stressor, which means every time it is felt, it triggers a stress reaction.

Cortisol, a hormone produced by the adrenal glands, rushes to the body's

defense, contributing energy, suppressing inflammation and even

regulating the deposition of fat in the body.

Too much cortisol, however, can interfere with the immune system

over time.

"For the past 60 years, psychology has approached people through victimology

and a disease model of fixing broken things. While it is not a panacea or a

substitute for addressing genuine problems, positive psychology can be a tool to help heal mental illness -- and improve quality of life for everyone. "

- Marty Seligman, a University of Pennsylvania professor who used his tenure as president of the APA three years ago to promote a

greater emphasis on positive traits and emotions.

Seligman has created the Positive Psychology Network to advance these ideas. It promotes seminars and scientific conferences,

supports research and encourages young scientists to enter the field.

"For the past 60 years, psychology has approached people through victimology

and a disease model of fixing broken things. While it is not a panacea or a

substitute for addressing genuine problems, positive psychology can be a tool to help heal mental illness -- and improve quality of life for everyone. "

- Marty Seligman, a University of Pennsylvania professor who used his tenure as president of the APA three years ago to promote a

greater emphasis on positive traits and emotions.

Seligman has created the Positive Psychology Network to advance these ideas. It promotes seminars and scientific conferences,

supports research and encourages young scientists to enter the field.

Stanford Forgiveness Projectby psychologist Frederic Luskin

Research results indicate that people who went through the six-week Stanford program

were significantly more optimistic and willing to use forgiveness as a coping

strategy months after the training ended, than people who had been randomly

assigned to a control group.

Furthermore, those who had taken the training reported fewer backaches,

headaches, muscle pains, stomach upsets and other common physical signs of stress.

Stanford Forgiveness Projectby psychologist Frederic Luskin

Research results indicate that people who went through the six-week Stanford program

were significantly more optimistic and willing to use forgiveness as a coping

strategy months after the training ended, than people who had been randomly

assigned to a control group.

Furthermore, those who had taken the training reported fewer backaches,

headaches, muscle pains, stomach upsets and other common physical signs of stress.

"When you give too much space to that which has hurt you, what you're shutting out is your own ability to feel love

and joy,"

- Dr. Fred Luskin

"When you give too much space to that which has hurt you, what you're shutting out is your own ability to feel love

and joy,"

- Dr. Fred Luskin

"The problem with our stories is they always focus on 'them'--the other person--and why he won't change or what she won't do. That gives them power they

shouldn't have.”

"The problem with our stories is they always focus on 'them'--the other person--and why he won't change or what she won't do. That gives them power they

shouldn't have.”

Forgiveness is the moment to moment experience of peace and

understanding that occurs when an injured party's suffering is reduced as they transform their grievance

against an offending party.

Forgiveness is the moment to moment experience of peace and

understanding that occurs when an injured party's suffering is reduced as they transform their grievance

against an offending party.

Three Components in Creating an Interpersonal Grievance:

1.Take something too personally.

2.Blame the offender for how you feel.

3.Create a grievance story that reflects helplessness.

Three Components in Creating an Interpersonal Grievance:

1.Take something too personally.

2.Blame the offender for how you feel.

3.Create a grievance story that reflects helplessness.

Core Components of Forgiveness:

1.View the offense less personally.

2.Take responsibility for your own emotional experience.

3.Change the story to reflect the heroic choice to grow and prosper

Core Components of Forgiveness:

1.View the offense less personally.

2.Take responsibility for your own emotional experience.

3.Change the story to reflect the heroic choice to grow and prosper

What's more, telling that story is a ticket to rising blood pressure, surging adrenaline, and a familiar sense of anger and frustration, perhaps even tears. Luskin says the more you repeat the grievance story, the more victimized you feel, the more stress you develop, and the less likely it is that you can get over it.

"Our bodies react as if we're in real danger right now to a story of how someone hurt us seven years ago. It's the fight-or-flee response," he says.

"You're feeling anger, your heart rhythm changes, cholesterol is dumped into your bloodstream, breathing gets shallow." People get stuck in that response, stop thinking clearly, and end up rehashing the same thing over and over--and dealing with it in the same unproductive way.

What's more, telling that story is a ticket to rising blood pressure, surging adrenaline, and a familiar sense of anger and frustration, perhaps even tears. Luskin says the more you repeat the grievance story, the more victimized you feel, the more stress you develop, and the less likely it is that you can get over it.

"Our bodies react as if we're in real danger right now to a story of how someone hurt us seven years ago. It's the fight-or-flee response," he says.

"You're feeling anger, your heart rhythm changes, cholesterol is dumped into your bloodstream, breathing gets shallow." People get stuck in that response, stop thinking clearly, and end up rehashing the same thing over and over--and dealing with it in the same unproductive way.

“It is also a daily practice.

You’ve got to forgive the little things.

It’s not just that you were abused or somebody ran over your kid, but life is constantly disappointing

us.”- F. Luskin

“It is also a daily practice.

You’ve got to forgive the little things.

It’s not just that you were abused or somebody ran over your kid, but life is constantly disappointing

us.”- F. Luskin

THE EFFECT OF FORGIVENESS TRAINING ON PSYCHOSOCIAL FACTORSIN COLLEGE AGE ADULTS

Luskin, F. M., Ginzburg, K & Thoresen, C. E. (2005) Humboldt Journal of Social Relations. Special Issue: Altruism, intergroup apology and forgiveness: antidote for a divided world. 29(2)

163-184

goals of training:

to significantly reduce the level of anger

to help participants significantly reduce the level of hurt

to help people learn to forgive as a general problem solving strategy

to help participants forgive the person who hurt them

to improve the psychological functioning

EFFECTS OF GROUP FORGIVENESS INTERVENTION ON PERCEIVED

STRESS, STATE AND TRAIT ANGER, SYMPTOMS OF STRESS, SELF-

REPORTED HEATHAND FORGIVENESS (STANFORD FORGIVENESS PROJECT)

Harris, A.H, Luskin, F.M.., Benisovich, S.V.,

Standard, S., Bruning, J., Evans, S. and Thoresen, C. (2006) Effects of a group forgiveness intervention on forgiveness, perceived stress and trait anger: A

randomized trial Journal of Clinical Psychology. 62(6) 715-733.

HYPERTENSION REDUCTION THROUGH FORGIVENESS TRAINING

Tibbits, D., Ellis, G., Piramelli, C., Luskin, F., & Lukman, R. ( 2006). Hypertension reduction

through forgiveness training. Journal of Pastoral Care and Counseling. 60(1-2):27-34.

Those who received forgiveness training achieved significant reductions in anger expression when compared to the control group.

While reductions in blood pressure were not achieved by all the participants, those participants who entered the program with elevated

anger expression scores did achieve significant reductions in blood pressure.

It is suggested that forgiveness training may be an effective clinical intervention for some hypertensive patients with elevated levels of anger.

What is forgiveness?There's no one definition of forgiveness. But

in general, forgiveness is a decision to let go of resentments and thoughts of

revenge.

Forgiveness is the act of untying yourself from thoughts and feelings that bind you to the offense committed against you. This can reduce the power these feelings otherwise

have over you, so that you can a live freer and happier life in the present.

Forgiveness can even lead to feelings of understanding, empathy and compassion

for the one who hurt you.

What is forgiveness?There's no one definition of forgiveness. But

in general, forgiveness is a decision to let go of resentments and thoughts of

revenge.

Forgiveness is the act of untying yourself from thoughts and feelings that bind you to the offense committed against you. This can reduce the power these feelings otherwise

have over you, so that you can a live freer and happier life in the present.

Forgiveness can even lead to feelings of understanding, empathy and compassion

for the one who hurt you.

What are the benefits of forgiving someone?

Researchers have recently become interested in studying the effects of

being unforgiving and being forgiving.

Evidence is mounting that holding on to grudges and bitterness results in

long-term health problems.

What are the benefits of forgiving someone?

Researchers have recently become interested in studying the effects of

being unforgiving and being forgiving.

Evidence is mounting that holding on to grudges and bitterness results in

long-term health problems.

Forgiveness, on the other hand, offers numerous benefits, including:

•Lower blood pressure

•Stress reduction

•Less hostility

•Better anger management skills

•Lower heart rate

•Lower risk of alcohol or substance abuse

•Fewer depression symptoms

•Fewer anxiety symptoms

•Reduction in chronic pain

•More friendships

•Healthier relationships

•Greater religious or spiritual well-being

•Improved psychological well-being

Why do we hold grudges and become resentful and unforgiving?

The people most likely to hurt us are those closest to us — our partners, friends, siblings and parents.

When we're hurt by someone we love and trust — whether it's a lie, betrayal, rejection, abuse or insult — it can be extremely difficult to overcome.

And even minor offenses can turn into huge conflicts.

Why do we hold grudges and become resentful and unforgiving?

The people most likely to hurt us are those closest to us — our partners, friends, siblings and parents.

When we're hurt by someone we love and trust — whether it's a lie, betrayal, rejection, abuse or insult — it can be extremely difficult to overcome.

And even minor offenses can turn into huge conflicts.

When you experience hurt or harm from someone's actions or

words, whether this is intended or not, you may begin experiencing negative feelings such as anger, confusion or sadness, especially when it's someone close to you.

These feelings may start out small. But if you don't deal with

them quickly, they can grow bigger and more powerful.

When you experience hurt or harm from someone's actions or

words, whether this is intended or not, you may begin experiencing negative feelings such as anger, confusion or sadness, especially when it's someone close to you.

These feelings may start out small. But if you don't deal with

them quickly, they can grow bigger and more powerful.

They may even begin to crowd out positive feelings.

Grudges filled with resentment, vengeance and hostility take root when you dwell on hurtful events or situations, replaying them in

your mind many times.

They may even begin to crowd out positive feelings.

Grudges filled with resentment, vengeance and hostility take root when you dwell on hurtful events or situations, replaying them in

your mind many times.

How do I know it's time to try to embrace forgiveness?

When we hold on to pain, old grudges, bitterness and even hatred, many areas of our lives can suffer.

When we're unforgiving, it's we who pay the price over and over.

We may bring our anger and bitterness into every relationship

and new experience.

Our lives may be so wrapped up in the wrong that we can't enjoy the

present.

How do I know it's time to try to embrace forgiveness?

When we hold on to pain, old grudges, bitterness and even hatred, many areas of our lives can suffer.

When we're unforgiving, it's we who pay the price over and over.

We may bring our anger and bitterness into every relationship

and new experience.

Our lives may be so wrapped up in the wrong that we can't enjoy the

present.

Other signs that it may be time to consider forgiveness include:

•Dwelling on the events surrounding the offense

•Hearing from others that you have a chip on your shoulder or that you're wallowing in self-pity

•Being avoided by family and friends because they don't enjoy being around you

•Having angry outbursts at the smallest perceived slights

•Often feeling misunderstood

•Drinking excessively, smoking or using drugs to try to cope with your pain

Other signs that it may be time to consider forgiveness include:

•Dwelling on the events surrounding the offense

•Hearing from others that you have a chip on your shoulder or that you're wallowing in self-pity

•Being avoided by family and friends because they don't enjoy being around you

•Having angry outbursts at the smallest perceived slights

•Often feeling misunderstood

•Drinking excessively, smoking or using drugs to try to cope with your pain

Other signs that it may be time to consider forgiveness include: •Having symptoms of depression or anxiety

•Being consumed by a desire for revenge or punishment

•Automatically thinking the worst about people or situations

•Regretting the loss of a valued relationship

•Feeling like your life lacks meaning or purpose

•Feeling at odds with your religious or spiritual beliefs

The bottom line is that you may often feel miserable in your current life.

Other signs that it may be time to consider forgiveness include: •Having symptoms of depression or anxiety

•Being consumed by a desire for revenge or punishment

•Automatically thinking the worst about people or situations

•Regretting the loss of a valued relationship

•Feeling like your life lacks meaning or purpose

•Feeling at odds with your religious or spiritual beliefs

The bottom line is that you may often feel miserable in your current life.

How do I reach a state of forgiveness?

Forgiveness is a commitment to a process of change.

It can be difficult and it can take time.

Everyone moves toward forgiveness a little differently.


Forgiveness is a commitment to a process of change.

It can be difficult and it can take time.

Everyone moves toward forgiveness a little differently.


Another is to reflect on the facts of the situation, how we've reacted, and how this combination has affected our lives.

Then, as we are ready, we can

actively choose to forgive the one who has offended us.

In this way, we move away from our

role as a victim and release the control and power the offending person and situation have had in our lives.


Another is to reflect on the facts of the situation, how we've reacted, and how this combination has affected our lives.

Then, as we are ready, we can

actively choose to forgive the one who has offended us.

In this way, we move away from our

role as a victim and release the control and power the offending person and situation have had in our lives.

What happens if I can't forgive someone?

Forgiveness can be very challenging.

It may be particularly hard to forgive someone who doesn't admit wrong or doesn't speak of their sorrow.

Keep in mind that the key benefits of forgiveness are for you.

What happens if I can't forgive someone?

Forgiveness can be very challenging.

It may be particularly hard to forgive someone who doesn't admit wrong or doesn't speak of their sorrow.

Keep in mind that the key benefits of forgiveness are for you.

If you find yourself stuck, it may be helpful to take some time to talk with a person you've found to be wise and compassionate,

such as a spiritual leader, a mental health provider or an unbiased family member or

friend.

If you find yourself stuck, it may be helpful to take some time to talk with a person you've found to be wise and compassionate,

such as a spiritual leader, a mental health provider or an unbiased family member or

friend.

It may also be helpful to reflect on times you've hurt others and on those

who have forgiven you.

As you recall how you felt, it may help you to understand the position of the

person who hurt you.

It can also be beneficial to pray, use guided meditation or journal.

In any case, if the intention to forgive is present, forgiveness will come in its

time.

It may also be helpful to reflect on times you've hurt others and on those

who have forgiven you.

As you recall how you felt, it may help you to understand the position of the

person who hurt you.

It can also be beneficial to pray, use guided meditation or journal.

In any case, if the intention to forgive is present, forgiveness will come in its

time.

Does forgiveness guarantee reconciliation?

Not always.

In some cases, reconciliation may be impossible because the offender has

died.

In other cases, reconciliation may not be appropriate, especially if you were

attacked or assaulted.

But even in those cases, forgiveness is still possible, even if reconciliation

isn't.

Does forgiveness guarantee reconciliation?

Not always.

In some cases, reconciliation may be impossible because the offender has

died.

In other cases, reconciliation may not be appropriate, especially if you were

attacked or assaulted.

But even in those cases, forgiveness is still possible, even if reconciliation

isn't.

On the other hand, if the hurtful event involved a family member or friend whose relationship you otherwise value, forgiveness may

lead to reconciliation.

This may not happen quickly, as you both may need time to re-

establish trust.

But in the end, your relationship may very well be one that is rich

and fulfilling.

On the other hand, if the hurtful event involved a family member or friend whose relationship you otherwise value, forgiveness may

lead to reconciliation.

This may not happen quickly, as you both may need time to re-

establish trust.

But in the end, your relationship may very well be one that is rich

and fulfilling.

What if I have to interact with the person who hurt me but I don't want to?

What if I have to interact with the person who hurt me but I don't want to?

How do I know when I've truly forgiven someone?How do I know when I've truly forgiven someone?

Forgiveness may result in sincerely spoken words such as "I forgive you"

or tender actions that fit the relationship.

But more than this, forgiveness brings a kind of peace that helps you

go on with life.

The offense is no longer front and center in your thoughts or feelings.

Your hostility, resentment and misery have made way for compassion,

kindness and peace.

Forgiveness may result in sincerely spoken words such as "I forgive you"

or tender actions that fit the relationship.

But more than this, forgiveness brings a kind of peace that helps you

go on with life.

The offense is no longer front and center in your thoughts or feelings.

Your hostility, resentment and misery have made way for compassion,

kindness and peace.

Also, remember that forgiveness often isn't a one-time thing.

It begins with a decision, but because memories or another set of words or actions may

trigger old feelings, you may need to recommit to forgiveness

over and over again.

Also, remember that forgiveness often isn't a one-time thing.

It begins with a decision, but because memories or another set of words or actions may

trigger old feelings, you may need to recommit to forgiveness

over and over again.

What if the person I'm forgiving doesn't change?

What if the person I'm forgiving doesn't change?

Getting the other person to change their actions, behavior or

words isn't the point of forgiveness.

In fact, the other person may never change or apologize for

the offense.

Think of forgiveness more about how it can change your life — by

bringing you more peace, happiness, and emotional and

spiritual healing.

Getting the other person to change their actions, behavior or

words isn't the point of forgiveness.

In fact, the other person may never change or apologize for

the offense.

Think of forgiveness more about how it can change your life — by

bringing you more peace, happiness, and emotional and

spiritual healing.

What if I'm the one who needs forgiveness?

What if I'm the one who needs forgiveness?

In any case, we have to be willing to forgive ourselves.

Holding on to resentment against yourself can be just as

toxic as holding on to resentment against someone

else.

Recognize that poor behavior or mistakes don't make you

worthless or bad.

In any case, we have to be willing to forgive ourselves.

Holding on to resentment against yourself can be just as

toxic as holding on to resentment against someone

else.

Recognize that poor behavior or mistakes don't make you

worthless or bad.

Forgiveness of yourself or someone else, though not easy,

can transform your life.

Instead of dwelling on the injustice and revenge, instead

of being angry and bitter,

you can move toward a life of peace, compassion, mercy, joy

and kindness.

Forgiveness of yourself or someone else, though not easy,

can transform your life.

Instead of dwelling on the injustice and revenge, instead

of being angry and bitter,

you can move toward a life of peace, compassion, mercy, joy

and kindness.

THE NINE STEPS TO FORGIVENESS

1. Know exactly how you feel about what happened and be able to articulate what about the situation is not OK. Then, tell a trusted couple of people about your experience.

2. Make a commitment to yourself to do what you have to do to feel better. Forgiveness is for you and not for anyone else.

3. Forgiveness does not necessarily mean reconciliation with the person that hurt you, or condoning of their action. What you are after is to find peace. Forgiveness can be defined as the "peace and understanding that come from blaming that which has hurt you less, taking the life experience less personally, and changing your grievance story."

4. Get the right perspective on what is happening. Recognize that your primary distress is coming from the hurt feelings, thoughts and physical upset you are suffering now, not what offended you or hurt you two minutes - or ten years -ago. Forgiveness helps to heal those hurt feelings.

THE NINE STEPS TO FORGIVENESS

1. Know exactly how you feel about what happened and be able to articulate what about the situation is not OK. Then, tell a trusted couple of people about your experience.

2. Make a commitment to yourself to do what you have to do to feel better. Forgiveness is for you and not for anyone else.

3. Forgiveness does not necessarily mean reconciliation with the person that hurt you, or condoning of their action. What you are after is to find peace. Forgiveness can be defined as the "peace and understanding that come from blaming that which has hurt you less, taking the life experience less personally, and changing your grievance story."

4. Get the right perspective on what is happening. Recognize that your primary distress is coming from the hurt feelings, thoughts and physical upset you are suffering now, not what offended you or hurt you two minutes - or ten years -ago. Forgiveness helps to heal those hurt feelings.

5. At the moment you feel upset practice a simple stress management technique to soothe your body's flight or fight response.

6. Give up expecting things from other people, or your life , that they do not choose to give you. Recognize the "unenforceable rules" you have for your health or how you or other people must behave. Remind yourself that you can hope for health, love, peace and prosperity and work hard to get them.

7. Put your energy into looking for another way to get your positive goals met than through the experience that has hurt you. Instead of mentally replaying your hurt seek out new ways to get what you want.

8. Remember that a life well lived is your best revenge. Instead of focusing on your wounded feelings, and thereby giving the person who caused you pain power over you, learn to look for the love, beauty and kindness around you. Forgiveness is about personal power.

9. Amend your grievance story to remind you of the heroic choice to forgive.

5. At the moment you feel upset practice a simple stress management technique to soothe your body's flight or fight response.

6. Give up expecting things from other people, or your life , that they do not choose to give you. Recognize the "unenforceable rules" you have for your health or how you or other people must behave. Remind yourself that you can hope for health, love, peace and prosperity and work hard to get them.

7. Put your energy into looking for another way to get your positive goals met than through the experience that has hurt you. Instead of mentally replaying your hurt seek out new ways to get what you want.

8. Remember that a life well lived is your best revenge. Instead of focusing on your wounded feelings, and thereby giving the person who caused you pain power over you, learn to look for the love, beauty and kindness around you. Forgiveness is about personal power.

9. Amend your grievance story to remind you of the heroic choice to forgive.

The Four Stages of ForgivenessThe Four Stages of Forgiveness

Step 1: You are filled with self justified anger.

At some point in your life you have been wounded and you are mad at and/or hurt by the person you

feel wronged you.

You blame the person committing the wrong for how you are feeling. It is their action and not your choice of response that you determine to be the

cause of your distress.

You have forgotten that you have choices as to how you can react, or you are so wounded that you are convinced that it would not be right to forgive the

offense.

At this stage there is usually both active and submerged anger as well as a great deal of pain.

Step 1: You are filled with self justified anger.

At some point in your life you have been wounded and you are mad at and/or hurt by the person you

feel wronged you.

You blame the person committing the wrong for how you are feeling. It is their action and not your choice of response that you determine to be the

cause of your distress.

You have forgotten that you have choices as to how you can react, or you are so wounded that you are convinced that it would not be right to forgive the

offense.

At this stage there is usually both active and submerged anger as well as a great deal of pain.


Step 2: after feeling upset with someone for a while you realize that the hurt and anger do not feel good

to you

It may be impacting your emotional balance and/or physical health. Or you wish to repair the damage to

the relationship.

So you take steps to forgive. You may begin to see the problem from the other person's point of view or you may simply decide to let the problem go.

In either case, after an extended period of time, you are no longer aggrieved and have forgiven the

person with whom you were angry.

This process of forgiveness can be applied to anger at oneself, another person or to life in general.

Step 2: after feeling upset with someone for a while you realize that the hurt and anger do not feel good

to you

It may be impacting your emotional balance and/or physical health. Or you wish to repair the damage to

the relationship.

So you take steps to forgive. You may begin to see the problem from the other person's point of view or you may simply decide to let the problem go.

In either case, after an extended period of time, you are no longer aggrieved and have forgiven the

person with whom you were angry.

This process of forgiveness can be applied to anger at oneself, another person or to life in general.

The Four Stages of Forgiveness

Step 3: after you have seen the results of forgiveness in action and you choose to let go of a

new interpersonal grievance fairly quickly

In this stage you choose to feel the hurt for a shorter period of time, and then work to either repair the relationship or let go of seeing the

situation as a problem.

In either case you decide to forgive because you have had some practice with it and see the clear

benefit in your life.

This could emerge in as simple a situation as being cut off by another car on the expressway or in a complex situation like an affair in a marriage.

At this stage of forgiveness you are aware that the length of time you experience a situation as a

grievance is primarily up to you.

Step 3: after you have seen the results of forgiveness in action and you choose to let go of a

new interpersonal grievance fairly quickly

In this stage you choose to feel the hurt for a shorter period of time, and then work to either repair the relationship or let go of seeing the

situation as a problem.

In either case you decide to forgive because you have had some practice with it and see the clear

benefit in your life.

This could emerge in as simple a situation as being cut off by another car on the expressway or in a complex situation like an affair in a marriage.

At this stage of forgiveness you are aware that the length of time you experience a situation as a

grievance is primarily up to you.


Step 4: involves the proactive choice to rarely if ever take offense in the first place

This means you are prepared to forgive in advance of a specific trigger.

Step 4: involves the proactive choice to rarely if ever take offense in the first place

This means you are prepared to forgive in advance of a specific trigger.

This stage often emerges at the same time as some or all of the following thoughts:

•I don't want to waste my precious life in the discomfort caused by anger or hurt so I will decide to feel differently. I am able to forgive myself, forgive

others, forgive life, and forgive God.

•I know how it hurts when people don't forgive me. I do not want to hurt other people by my actions so I will perceive the problem in a way that I can either

deal with it or let it go.

This stage often emerges at the same time as some or all of the following thoughts:

•I don't want to waste my precious life in the discomfort caused by anger or hurt so I will decide to feel differently. I am able to forgive myself, forgive

others, forgive life, and forgive God.

•I know how it hurts when people don't forgive me. I do not want to hurt other people by my actions so I will perceive the problem in a way that I can either

deal with it or let it go.

•Life is filled with incredible beauty and wonder and I am missing these experiences if I am stuck in the remembrance of old hurts or disappointments. I

forgive myself for getting sidetracked.

•People do the best they can and if they err the best way to help them is by offering understanding. The

first step in this process is to forgive whatever constituted the specific offense.

•Everyone, including myself operates primarily out of self-interest. I must expect that some times I, in my

self-interest, will be annoyed by some one else's expression of their self-interest. If I can understand

that this is an ordinary part of life, what is there to be upset about? If I understand that self-interest is my guiding principle, how can I not offer forgiveness to everyone, including myself for behaving that way?

•Life is filled with incredible beauty and wonder and I am missing these experiences if I am stuck in the remembrance of old hurts or disappointments. I

forgive myself for getting sidetracked.

•People do the best they can and if they err the best way to help them is by offering understanding. The

first step in this process is to forgive whatever constituted the specific offense.










These four steps to forgiveness will not be followed in the same way by all people and

in all relationships.

There are some people for whom we feel such love that we are almost always at stage four: open hearted and ready to

forgive.

There are other people for whom we feel so hurt and our well of good will for them is so dry that we can spend years at stage

one.

What is critical to keep in mind is the role of personal choice and the need to

exercise that choice to forgive so that we can bring peace and healing into our

relationships and to ourselves.

These four steps to forgiveness will not be followed in the same way by all people and

in all relationships.

There are some people for whom we feel such love that we are almost always at stage four: open hearted and ready to

forgive.

There are other people for whom we feel so hurt and our well of good will for them is so dry that we can spend years at stage

one.

What is critical to keep in mind is the role of personal choice and the need to

exercise that choice to forgive so that we can bring peace and healing into our

relationships and to ourselves.

“Forgiveness is not about letting them off the hook. It’s about

continuing on with our journey. It frees up our soul, in a way. You

let go of the anger.”-Paul Livingston

“Forgiveness is not about letting them off the hook. It’s about

continuing on with our journey. It frees up our soul, in a way. You

let go of the anger.”-Paul Livingston

“Most people think you are forgiving the perpetrator and

they're off scot-free and you get nothing. It's just the opposite.

When you forgive a person, you're deciding to be freed.”

-Jim La Rue

Father of Molly LaRue whose body was found next to her dead fiancé, murdered by serial killer Paul David Crews in

September 1990 while hiking on the Appalachian Trail.

“Most people think you are forgiving the perpetrator and

they're off scot-free and you get nothing. It's just the opposite.

When you forgive a person, you're deciding to be freed.”

-Jim La Rue

Father of Molly LaRue whose body was found next to her dead fiancé, murdered by serial killer Paul David Crews in

September 1990 while hiking on the Appalachian Trail.

“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.”

- Mahatma Gandhi (1869 - 1948)

“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.”

- Mahatma Gandhi (1869 - 1948)

“It really doesn't matter if the person who hurt you deserves to

be forgiven.

Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself.

You have things to do and you want to move on.”

Anonymous author of RealLivePreacher.com

“It really doesn't matter if the person who hurt you deserves to

be forgiven.

Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself.

You have things to do and you want to move on.”

Anonymous author of RealLivePreacher.com

When there is no time, there is no wound. Let go of the past, and you will have no

grievances. Time makes the wound seem real. It makes all the changes that happen in

your life seem real. Yet none of these are real.

If you could be without time for an instant, you would understand your salvation. In that timeless moment, nothing you have said or done means anything. In that moment there

is nothing to own; no past, no future, no identity.

This is the moment you inhabit all the time without knowing it.

Imagine that:

you are already in heaven and do not know it!

When there is no time, there is no wound. Let go of the past, and you will have no

grievances. Time makes the wound seem real. It makes all the changes that happen in

your life seem real. Yet none of these are real.

If you could be without time for an instant, you would understand your salvation. In that timeless moment, nothing you have said or done means anything. In that moment there

is nothing to own; no past, no future, no identity.

This is the moment you inhabit all the time without knowing it.

Imagine that:

you are already in heaven and do not know it!

You are in heaven but heaven is not acceptable to you. There is no need for

forgiveness in heaven. Why not? You ask. Because no one in heaven is guilty. No one

who abides in the present moment has committed a crime or a misthought. In

heaven there is nothing that need to be fixed. In this moment also, there is nothing that need to be fixed. Remember this, and

you are in the kingdom.

If you want to understand this you need to practice the forgiveness process. Whenever

you think that someone or something is wrong, forgive yourself for thinking that

thought. Whenever you think you are wrong, forgive yourself for thinking that thought.

You are in heaven but heaven is not acceptable to you. There is no need for

forgiveness in heaven. Why not? You ask. Because no one in heaven is guilty. No one

who abides in the present moment has committed a crime or a misthought. In

heaven there is nothing that need to be fixed. In this moment also, there is nothing that need to be fixed. Remember this, and

you are in the kingdom.

If you want to understand this you need to practice the forgiveness process. Whenever

you think that someone or something is wrong, forgive yourself for thinking that

thought. Whenever you think you are wrong, forgive yourself for thinking that thought.

LOVE WITHOUT CONDITIONS

Reflections of the Christ Mind

By Paul Ferrini

Say to yourself: “this seems to be wrong, but what do I know? I probably have something to look at here that I don’t want to see. That’s

why I think its wrong, because I don’t want to look at it.”

You have only one person to forgive in your journey and that is yourself. You are the judge. You are the jury. And you are the

prisoner. You are not guilty of any sin, my brother. But you believe that you are. And

while you believe this, you will need forgiveness. This is the only way out of your

self imposed illusion.

Say to yourself: “this seems to be wrong, but what do I know? I probably have something to look at here that I don’t want to see. That’s

why I think its wrong, because I don’t want to look at it.”

You have only one person to forgive in your journey and that is yourself. You are the judge. You are the jury. And you are the

prisoner. You are not guilty of any sin, my brother. But you believe that you are. And

while you believe this, you will need forgiveness. This is the only way out of your

self imposed illusion.LOVE WITHOUT CONDITIONS


By Paul Ferrini

Your life has never been beyond the reach of heaven, for heaven is here,

and heaven is now.

When you cease to impose your meanings on what you see, your

spiritual eyes will open, and you will see a world free of judgment and

shining in its endless beauty.

The prodigal son has returned home.

All the angels in heaven are rejoicing.

Your life has never been beyond the reach of heaven, for heaven is here,

and heaven is now.

When you cease to impose your meanings on what you see, your

spiritual eyes will open, and you will see a world free of judgment and

shining in its endless beauty.

The prodigal son has returned home.

All the angels in heaven are rejoicing.LOVE WITHOUT CONDITIONS


By Paul Ferrini

"If we really want to love we must learn how to forgive"

“People ask me what advice I have for a married couple struggling in their relationship. I always answer: pray

and forgive. And to young people from violent homes, I say pray and forgive. And again even to the single mother with no family support:

pray and forgive” - Mother

Teresa

"If we really want to love we must learn how to forgive"

“People ask me what advice I have for a married couple struggling in their relationship. I always answer: pray

and forgive. And to young people from violent homes, I say pray and forgive. And again even to the single mother with no family support:

pray and forgive” - Mother

Teresa

"I, even I, am He who blots out your transgressions for My own sake;

and I will not remember your sins. Put Me in remembrance; let us

contend together; state your case, that you may be acquitted."

Isaiah 43:25-26

"Their sins and lawless acts I will remember no more."

Hebrews 10:17

"I, even I, am He who blots out your transgressions for My own sake;

and I will not remember your sins. Put Me in remembrance; let us

contend together; state your case, that you may be acquitted."

Isaiah 43:25-26

"Their sins and lawless acts I will remember no more."

Hebrews 10:17

“The chemist who can extract from his heart's elements

compassion, respect, longing, patience, regret, surprise, and

forgiveness and compound them into one can create that

atom which is called love.”

Kahlil Gibran

“The chemist who can extract from his heart's elements

compassion, respect, longing, patience, regret, surprise, and

forgiveness and compound them into one can create that

atom which is called love.”

Kahlil Gibran

“To forgive is the highest, most beautiful form of love.

In return, you will receive untold peace and happiness.”

Robert MullerFormer Assistant Secretary General

to the United Nations

“To forgive is the highest, most beautiful form of love.

In return, you will receive untold peace and happiness.”

Robert MullerFormer Assistant Secretary General

to the United Nations

What are you judgmental about?

It can be difficult for us to recognize or accept that people we have problems with are actually mirroring for us the disowned

parts of ourselves.

One simple way to tell is when you feel very judgmental toward that person. Underneath,

you may be jealous.

Perhaps this person is expressing a kind of energy that you hold back or don’t allow yourself to express. They may be out of balance in an opposite way from you.

It’s not necessary to become like they are or go to an extreme. Just recognize that you

may need to allow yourself to develop a little more of that energy.

What are you judgmental about?

It can be difficult for us to recognize or accept that people we have problems with are actually mirroring for us the disowned

parts of ourselves.

One simple way to tell is when you feel very judgmental toward that person. Underneath,

you may be jealous.

Perhaps this person is expressing a kind of energy that you hold back or don’t allow yourself to express. They may be out of balance in an opposite way from you.

It’s not necessary to become like they are or go to an extreme. Just recognize that you

may need to allow yourself to develop a little more of that energy.

Where in my life am I being judgmental toward myself or

others?

How is that showing me a part of myself that I don’t accept?

Where in my life am I being judgmental toward myself or

others?

How is that showing me a part of myself that I don’t accept?

Attention is the key to transformation

- and full attention also implies acceptance.

Nonforgiveness

is often toward another person or yourself, but it may just as well be toward any situation or

condition - past, present or future - that your mind refuses to accept.

Yes, there can be non-forgiveness even with regard to the future.

This is the mind's refusal to accept uncertainty, to accept that the future is ultimately beyond its

control.

Attention is the key to transformation

- and full attention also implies acceptance.

Nonforgiveness

is often toward another person or yourself, but it may just as well be toward any situation or

condition - past, present or future - that your mind refuses to accept.

Yes, there can be non-forgiveness even with regard to the future.

This is the mind's refusal to accept uncertainty, to accept that the future is ultimately beyond its

control.

On Impermanence

Jesus' teaching:

"Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and

rust consume and where thieves break in and

steal...."

On Impermanence

Jesus' teaching:

"Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and

rust consume and where thieves break in and

steal...."

Buddhist monk: 'All I have learned in the twenty years that I have been a monk I can

sum up in one sentence:

All that arises passes away. This I know."

What he meant: I have learned to offer no resistance to what is;

I have learned to allow the present moment to be and to accept the impermanent nature of all

things and conditions.

Thus have I found peace.

Buddhist monk: 'All I have learned in the twenty years that I have been a monk I can

sum up in one sentence:

All that arises passes away. This I know."

What he meant: I have learned to offer no resistance to what is;

I have learned to allow the present moment to be and to accept the impermanent nature of all

things and conditions.

Thus have I found peace.

To offer no resistance to life is to be in a state of grace, ease, and

lightness.

This state is then no longer dependent upon things being in a

certain way, good or bad.

To offer no resistance to life is to be in a state of grace, ease, and

lightness.

This state is then no longer dependent upon things being in a

certain way, good or bad.

It seems almost paradoxical,

yet when your inner dependency on form is gone,

the general conditions of your life,

the outer forms, tend to improve greatly.

It seems almost paradoxical,

yet when your inner dependency on form is gone,

the general conditions of your life,

the outer forms, tend to improve greatly.

Things, people, or conditions that you thought you needed for your happiness now come to you with no struggle or effort on your part,

and you are free to enjoy and appreciate them - while they last.

All those things, of course, will still pass away, cycles will come and go, but with dependency gone

there is no fear of loss anymore. Life flows with ease.

Things, people, or conditions that you thought you needed for your happiness now come to you with no struggle or effort on your part,

and you are free to enjoy and appreciate them - while they last.

All those things, of course, will still pass away, cycles will come and go, but with dependency gone

there is no fear of loss anymore. Life flows with ease.

First you stop judging yourself; then you stop judging your partner.

The greatest catalyst for change in a relationship is complete acceptance of your partner as he or she is, without

needing to judge or change them in any way.

That immediately takes you beyond ego. All mind games and all addictive clinging

are then over.

First you stop judging yourself; then you stop judging your partner.

The greatest catalyst for change in a relationship is complete acceptance of your partner as he or she is, without

needing to judge or change them in any way.

That immediately takes you beyond ego. All mind games and all addictive clinging

are then over.

There are no victims and no perpetrators anymore, no accuser and accused.

This is also the end of all codependency, of being drawn into somebody else's

unconscious pattern and thereby enabling it to continue.

You will then either separate - in love - or move ever more deeply into the Now

together - into Being.

There are no victims and no perpetrators anymore, no accuser and accused.

This is also the end of all codependency, of being drawn into somebody else's

unconscious pattern and thereby enabling it to continue.

You will then either separate - in love - or move ever more deeply into the Now

together - into Being.

Can it be that simple?

Yes, it is that simple.

Love is a state of Being.

Your love is not outside; it is deep within you.

You can never lose it, and it cannot leave you.

It is not dependent on some other body, some external form.

Can it be that simple?

Yes, it is that simple.

Love is a state of Being.

Your love is not outside; it is deep within you.

You can never lose it, and it cannot leave you.

It is not dependent on some other body, some external form.

Love does not insist on its own rights or its own way, for it is not

self-seeking;

it is not touchy or fretful;

it takes no account of the evil done to it.

– 1 Corinthians 13:5

Love does not insist on its own rights or its own way, for it is not

self-seeking;

it is not touchy or fretful;

it takes no account of the evil done to it.

– 1 Corinthians 13:5

The Meaning of Surrender

To some people, surrender may have negative connotations, implying defeat, giving up, failing

to rise to the challenges of life, becoming lethargic, and so on.

True surrender, however, is something entirely different.

It does not mean to passively put up with whatever situation you find yourself in and to

do nothing about it.

The Meaning of Surrender

To some people, surrender may have negative connotations, implying defeat, giving up, failing

to rise to the challenges of life, becoming lethargic, and so on.

True surrender, however, is something entirely different.

It does not mean to passively put up with whatever situation you find yourself in and to

do nothing about it.

Nor does it mean to cease making plans or initiating positive action.

Surrender is the simple but profound wisdom of yielding to rather than opposing

the flow of life.

The only place where you can experience the flow of life is the Now, so to surrender is to accept the present moment unconditionally

and without reservation.

It is to relinquish inner resistance to what is.

Nor does it mean to cease making plans or initiating positive action.

Surrender is the simple but profound wisdom of yielding to rather than opposing

the flow of life.

The only place where you can experience the flow of life is the Now, so to surrender is to accept the present moment unconditionally

and without reservation.

It is to relinquish inner resistance to what is.

Your self-image is much like a self-

portrait; it is who and what you picture

yourself to be, which may or may not be an accurate reflection of

who you really are.

Then God said,

“Let us make man in our image, in our

likeness…”

Your self-image is much like a self-

portrait; it is who and what you picture

yourself to be, which may or may not be an accurate reflection of

who you really are.

Then God said,

“Let us make man in our image, in our

likeness…”

Learn to love yourself as your Heavenly Father loves

you.

God has already approved and accepted you.

Learn to love yourself as your Heavenly Father loves

you.

God has already approved and accepted you.

If God is for us, who can be against us?

– Romans 8:31

If God is for us, who can be against us?

– Romans 8:31

If prayer is nothing more than yearning of the heart, then yearn in prayer for

forgiveness.

You may have to do this again and again, for the same issue, until the

energy is released. That’s fine.

We learn in finite measures, a step at a time how to find compassion for others and ourselves and then our hearts are filled with love – for a minute, a day, a

season until we return and ask the spirit to once again make us whole with

ourselves.

- Janell Moon, How To Pray Without Being Religious

If prayer is nothing more than yearning of the heart, then yearn in prayer for

forgiveness.

You may have to do this again and again, for the same issue, until the

energy is released. That’s fine.

We learn in finite measures, a step at a time how to find compassion for others and ourselves and then our hearts are filled with love – for a minute, a day, a

season until we return and ask the spirit to once again make us whole with

ourselves.

- Janell Moon, How To Pray Without Being Religious

When I can no longer stand

The flesh of my anger reddened and seething

Holding on to grievances and every wrongdoing, and I am most in hatred,

I ask for rescue.

This is my prayer:

a journey where life flows through me,

felt and accepted, moving

like the turning seasons, the storm that harms or nourishes

But passes.

When I can no longer stand

The flesh of my anger reddened and seething

Holding on to grievances and every wrongdoing, and I am most in hatred,

I ask for rescue.

This is my prayer:

a journey where life flows through me,

felt and accepted, moving

like the turning seasons, the storm that harms or nourishes

But passes.

This is my prayer:

Grace with forgiveness,

an arrow shot through the storm to sun and light.

Let me accept my journey.

Help me to live through this.

I may be asked to accept the unacceptable and I don’t know how.

Help me.

As I live, I find a way.

This is my prayer:

Grace with forgiveness,

an arrow shot through the storm to sun and light.

Let me accept my journey.

Help me to live through this.

I may be asked to accept the unacceptable and I don’t know how.

Help me.

As I live, I find a way.

Release me from hurt.

Release me from feelings of revenge.

Release anger from my body.

Let me give this to You,

So I can be free.

Let my prayers take me deep into myself

So that I might find out

I possess exactly

What I desire.

Release me from hurt.

Release me from feelings of revenge.

Release anger from my body.

Let me give this to You,

So I can be free.

Let my prayers take me deep into myself

So that I might find out

I possess exactly

What I desire.

“Do not judge, and you will not be

judged.

Do not condemn, and you will not be

condemned.

Forgive,

and you will be forgiven.”

– Luke 6:37

“Do not judge, and you will not be

judged.

Do not condemn, and you will not be

condemned.

Forgive,

and you will be forgiven.”

– Luke 6:37

Forgiveness

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