final ESP

what i couldn’t do

this yearthat i can do

now.

at the beginning of

Claire Saltzmanmonday tuesday wednesday thursday friday sunday

in reality, it’snot about what i

couldn’t physicallydo, but more sowhat my mind is

allowing me do now.why?

this past week,i finished my

capstone + had something called

free time

because

how did it spend it?catching up on my old lifestyle.

i baked. a lot. and ate every crumb.

monday tuesday wednesday thursday friday sunday

i worked out.

and even felt guilty.for hours.

tuesday wednesday thursday friday saturday

i caught up.with family and friends.

monday tuesday wednesday thursday friday

watched horrible tv. and enjoyed it.

tuesday thursday saturday

what did bakingexercisingcatching upvegging

this dofor me?

baking.Why QuestioningVOJ/GAILBug ListAt 12:30 pm Monday, when I concluded my speech for my capstone presentation, I immediately thought of cake. Embarrassing in some ways, yes. I went home after the rest of the capstone presentations and turned the oven to 350 degrees. I started baking.“why am I baking?” I thought as I pulled out the cake mix. “You’re going to eat the entire cake and feel so gross after, bake for someoneelse”. So I did. I realized that baking is one of my favorite things to do when I am stressed out or bored. I believe it is a culmination of my love for sweetsand the systematic order and precision baking requires that makes me love it so much. It calms me, and the past month or so, I was deprived frombaking. With all of the schoolwork and stressors, I had forgotten about what keeps me sane. I used to bake for my boyfriend and his friends all the time. It made me happy to see other people happy. I would sometimes worry if my skills wereup to par with other’s standards. Sometimes I would hesitate to give people what I made because I was afraid they would hate it.When making the cake, seriously a hundred questions went through my head. I almost stopped half way through because I thought baking the cake wouldbe thought of as brown nosing. I wanted to make the cake for class, but I didn’t want the rest of the students to think I was doing it to get a leg up on them.I felt bad that the party in class was cancelled and wanted to celebrate the last day. killing two birds with one stone, I wanted to bake to celebrate my accomplishment of being done with capstone but also do good for another class. It worries me sometimes that others think I try to hard just to look good.my VOJ always tells me to not go through with some ideas because I’m afraid I’ll be accused for being overly nice. I need to stop letting those ideasgo through my head. When the cake was done, I took it out to cool. My roommate insisted that I hurry up and get the frosting on because she wanted to go out in a few minutes. Itold her that one of the biggest lessons I have learned baking is one must have patience. She kept nagging me to hurry up, which drove me wild. I wanted to be in peace- do what I wanted to do- on my time. I felt like this entire semester had been on someone else’s clock and this week wasfinally up to me. So I stayed in. Let her go out. And iced my cake when it was perfectly cool.

The rest of the week I dedicated to baking for friends. Because my week was completely free didn’t mean my friends’ weeks were. I realized thatmy love for baking rooted back to when I baked with my grandma years ago. Whenever we baked, it was a cheerful fun time. I believe that is why I consider baking a reward and a relaxing thing to do; something I should have continued to do throughout this busy semester in orderto keep myself sane.

exercising.

Every Monday, Wednesday and Friday I wake up at 8:30 am and get to the gym by 9:15. I work out for a hour and a half and eat lunch at 11:45. I then get to class at 12:45 until 5 pm. Tuesday and Thursdays, I wake up at 8:15 and do the same schedule all over again. So systematic. Although I consider myself very structured and routine, it got old. “What if I switched my routine up this week?” I asked myself. On Monday, I slept in until 10:30. Got to the gym at 11. Slipped in three quarters into the parking meter insteadof two- to let myself relax and not rush my routine. “Would I really need three hours to workout? Is it waste of time? What things should I be doing other than working out? Is this selfish?” I asked myself.I had to constantly tell myself that I had absolutely nothing to do for the entire week and I could spend it focusing on myself!It felt great to not have anything to rush for. It almost felt uncomfortable.

I told myself that I would try a new form of exercise later in the week. I decided to try weight lifting. One of the main reasons I had never liftedAt school was because of the location of the weights in the gym. My VOJ would constantly tell me not to try- I was a weakling and everyone- including the cuteguys- would stare at me and wonder what I was doing. I was too afraid to ask for help, too. Felt like a lost cause. That Wednesday, I convinced myselffrom trekking down the two flights of stairs and start lifting weights. I quit that day.

On Thursday I got the courage to go downstairs at the Rec and pick up a set of weights. I was going back and forth about trying this new routine and finally blinked and forced myself to call a friend to come with. Before I could hang-up, Ali picked up. I couldn’t back out now. I asked her to come lift weightswith me. My VOJ screamed “you sound like an idiot asking if someone would lift weights with you”, but Ali kindly replied “of course!”. So I picked her upthirty minutes later and we went to the gym. Once at the gym, Ali and I walked down the dreaded two flights of stairs and grabbed weights. I will admit it was funny. I could lift a mere 7 pounds for 8 reps without feeling like my limbswere going to pop out. But I did it. The entire time my VOJ was going crazy. I wanted to ask the girl next to me how many times she lifted weights a weekbecause she had great arms, but I didn’t. I thought I would come off creepy. Instead, I went on my iPhone and looked up workout routines and advice

what if questioningvojwhy questioningsurrendering / quittingblinking

catching up.MindMappingVOJ/GAILWhy QuestioningI immediately called my mom after my capstone presentation on Monday. I had alienated her for the entire weekend because I was stressed out and couldn’t make timeto call her and let her know I was alive. We talked for a good hour and I was so thankful to be done. Although I call my about five times a week, I had not made time to talk for long periods of time this entire semester. Usually our conversations were filled with me telling her all of the important things I neededto get done that day. She would always calm me down and tell me that I always get things done on time. She is basically my life coach and without her keepingme sane I don’t know if I would have remained calm all semester!Monday night I went to dinner with my boyfriend. I couldn’t tell you how long it had been that I went to dinner without looking at my phone for the time. I feltlike I never had a free night where I didn’t have thoughts in the back of my mind, nagging me what work I have to complete when the meal was over. “Why did I let school always get in the way of my relationships with people? Why couldn’t I just relax for a second and block the outside out? Why was it so important for me to prioritize school although I was a senior with a job?” I asked myself. I always asked myself this when I felt overwhelmed, and the constant asking of questions never alleviated any stress. Although I knew I had time this semester, I didn’t make time. I felt like there was always somethingto be done and I didn’t let myself catch up with myself and the people who meant the most to me. there were small breaks in the semester, like spring break, whereI saw glimpses of myself relaxing and letting VOJ’s flow in and out of my head. This time, however, I didn’t want to make it temporary. I wanted to lead a lifestyle that I could set aside stressors and concentrate on people when I was with them. I actually had to mind map of who I should call. I went throughall of my family and targeted the people I had not caught up with in awhile, or people I had intended on calling but never did. I wanted to catch up with everyone that was important to me that week. I called my mom and dad and had long conversations with them while lying in bed-something I had never done before. I always called my parents when I was working out or walking to or from class- to save time. This time, I wanted to do nothing and talk for however long I wanted to.I called my grandparents instead of writing them back in letter. I actually keep in touch with both sets of grandparents very well, but having all the time in the world and sitting in a quiet area, where they could hear me better and I had more patience to hear them was so much more calming. Friday I reserved for catching up with my friends. I really didn’t want to go on my sorority pub crawl. I’m not a big drinker and didn’t want to stand at a bar sober with my feet sticking to the gross floors. I dreaded the beer that would be splashed all over me and the screaming shrieks of chicks aftera couple drinks. Don’t get me wrong, I love my friends, but I got the partying out of me a long time ago. I silenced my VOJ, however and went to the pubcrawl with my friends. I wanted to live out what was one of the last nights of my college career. As much as I claimed to be over the bar scene, I am going to miss the memories I am leaving behind at this school. Being with my roommates and sorority sisters was a great choice, and I am glad that I silenced my VOJ and stopped questioning why I shouldn’t go, and let myself embrace college life.

vegging.what if questioningvojwhy questioningsurrendering / quittingimmersion

Tuesday was a day of nothing. I realized after working out that I had absolutely nothingto do. I actually walked around my apartment for a couple minutes, cleaning things up,before I sat down on the couch and stared at the TV. My roommates were watching, likealways, a wedding show. This semester, I had never sat down and watched TV, but I couldrecite almost every commercial and name every show according to the audio that blaredthrough my bedroom walls 24/7. Typically, it was a wedding show playing or keeping upwith the Kardashians. today, this show was hosted by David Tuttera, the most outgoing andflamboyant man in the world. I was really annoyed at fist because I only knew his voice fromafar. I didn’t understand how people could sit around for hours and watch shows like this. Seemed so mindless. I asked myself, “Why is this so intriguing?” or “How are there real people in this world like this?”. But sadly, I had nothing to do. So I sat and watched. I found myself annoyed at first, but then glued to the show after a solid ten minutes. I stopped watching after the second episode aired. Although I admit it lured me in, it didn’t catch my attention for too long. I truly tried to understand the infatuation in wedding shows,but couldn’t fully get it still. I never knew that I could be annoyed with actually forcing myself to bemindless for once. Maybe it was the wrong show.

Thursday I woke up at 9:30 am and felt like a million bucks. I had never woken up so late on a week day this entire semester! I wanted to bathe in the glory for a bit more, so I turned my iPadon and went on Netflix. I found my favorite old TV. Show (the city) and watched four episodes.four. which took me to 11 am. I was so infatuated in the series I could have watched it forever.I asked myself, “What if I brought my iPad to the gym to watch this while I worked out? Would peoplelaugh at me for enjoying this old show? Do I even care?” The answer was no. I didn’t care for once.so I went to the gym and was in a trance again- bringing myself back to my high school days whereI¬ let go of all my stressors and immersed myself in the cast of The City. I quit restricting myselfand holding myself to this imaginary schedule. Having no regimen let me understand the valueof relaxation and that there is a point to allowing yourself to let your mind go. It was a great distracter and even an inspiration. I realized that I enjoyed these shows before my life got hectic becauseit took me somewhere else. I enjoyed being back to that state of mind. At least for this week.

i relaxed.Although I have done all of these activities at one point in time, I had never been so thankful to get back into my old routine and shedding the monotonousroutine I was stuck in this semester. Although seniorsin college typically have “senioritis”, I let the pressures and anxiety get the best of me. It wasn’t until I completed the biggest final projectof my life that I could take a big breather. It felt great. I didn’t relax like I should have this entire semester. I worked hard and now I’m playing hard. After all my work, I realized the timeI cherish the most is time i reserve for myself. I should have focused on what made me happy than concentrating on what grades I was getting.So I’m glad I tasted a little bit of what this “senioritis” is all about.

it felt great.