Final Drafts

How To Lose A Million Pounds With Dignity"1. Dickheads"

ENH3000-QUB-FYR

1 INT. BOBBYS BEDROOM - 12PM

A Hand pats across a bedside table toward a phone soundingan alarm for the third time. The screen flashes on and offwith the words REALLY SHOULD BE GETTING UP NOW. The handreaches the phone and immediately tosses it across the room.

2 INT. BOBBYS BEDROOM - 12.05PM

The alarm erupts for the fourth time, on the floor. Thescreen flashes with the words YOU REALLY ARE A LAZYWANKER. An overweight body, belonging to our fortunatesoul, BOBBY, tumbles out of bed. Shrouded in the heavilycurtained room, he kicks through empty cans to find hisphone, still sounding the alarm.

BOBBYS MOTHER enters the room holding a cup of tea to findher son bent over, nude, presenting that most malignedquadrant of the unfit males body; the lower backside. Sheenters silently and looks to stifle a shocked scream. Sheplaces the cup of tea on a drawer by the door and leaves assilently as she entered, with a face that says This isdefinitely not the first time

BOBBY finally finds the phone and turns the alarm off with abeep. He returns to the standing position triumphantly. Hepulls open the curtains and cowers vampirically in thesunlight. A young mother on the street below covers herdaughters eyes as they both spot the unaware Bobby standingat his second story window, naked and very, very hungover.

Now, covering himself with a dressing gown and pair ofboxers he wobbles down the corridor toward the toilet. Hestands at the toilet bowl for a moment and begins to swaydangerously. Over correcting himself leads to a near fall.He then turns around and sits on the toilet and continues topee. His mother enters the corridor, spotting him throughthe still open toilet door.

BOBBYS MOTHERBobby?! Are you?

BOBBYIm just taking a piss. Like ladiesdo. Im hungover. German men allpee sitting down.

BOBBYS MOTHERWell... Close the door at least!

BOBBY, Still peeing, grunts as he lazily reaches to the doorfrom his sitting position. After a few dud swings he catchesthe door and it swings shut.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 2.

BOBBYS MOTHEROh, Bobby, dont you have classtoday?

BOBBY groans from behind the toilet door.

3 INT. PROFESSORS OFFICE - DAY

ARTHUR, a final year student at University studying Englishis sat opposite an elderly professor. The professor isreading aloud.

PROFESSOR(reading from essay)

"...Tommy Pickles, The protagonistof 1990s Nickelodeon seriesRugrats wields a power that theunnamed prisoner in Kafkas "TheTrial" could only dream of; Theability to escape his prison atwill..."

The PROFESSOR lifts his head from the page and looks atARTHUR in mild disbelief. He returns to the page.

PROFESSOR"Using only a toy screwdriver,Tommy and his toddler friends canexit the Kafkaesque nightmare ofthe playpen and explore the Pickleshouse freely. It should also benoted that, unlike Kafkas novel,Rugrats was a completed work,even producing the spin off seriesAll Grown Up"

ARTHURWell?

PROFESSORYou certainly write well, and yourknowledge of Kafka is in depth.

ARTHURSo what do you think?

PROFESSORThe comparative material is...Unorthodox.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 3.

ARTHURIm just trying to push someboundaries, Prof.

PROFESSORIndeed.

ARTHURI think there is a strongundercurrent of turn of the 20THCentury Modernism in many 1990sSaturday morning cartoons. Look atTransformers. Its obviously acritique of industrialisation andthe continuing reliance ontechnology. I mean, Arent we alljust robots Prof?

PROFESSORStop calling me Prof.

4 INT. UNIVERSITY CORRIDOR - DAY

We see ARTHUR leave the PROFESSORs office and continue downthe corridor, walking past BOBBY, who is sat on a chair neara different door. Neither take any notice of the other. AsARTHUR leaves, the door beside BOBBY opens, and a frazzledlooking TUTOR gestures for him to come in.

5 INT. TUTORS OFFICE - DAY

This office is smaller than the Professors, BOBBY sauntersin and slouches lazily on a chair opposite the tutor.

TUTORYou really are a kind man Robert.

BOBBYWhat?

TUTORKind. For taking time out of yourbusy schedule to come and visityour tutor, after you missed thelast five appointments. I mean, youmust have a lot on your plate atthe moment, what with your moviecareer taking off, and all thatcharity work youve been doing. Ohwait, Im thinking of a differentBobby. Hes got it all going forhim.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 4.

BOBBYAlright, Alright.

TUTORSo, Bobby. Have you got any workfor me? I expect the answer is no.

BOBBYSoon.

TUTORGet out of my office.

BOBBY(getting up to leave,muttering)

Fanny.

TUTORI saw something in you when youfirst came here, Bobby. A bit ofenthusiasm. A spark. But I musthave been mistaken. Dont comeback.

BOBBY Exits the room and closes the door with a slam.

6 MONTAGE - BOBBY DROPS OUT, ARTHUR GRADUATES

Music plays as the montage begins, it features shots andimages of ARTHURs successful final weeks of university andgraduation, interspersed with BOBBYs increasinglistlessness following dropping out.

1. BOBBY skulks down the university corridor following hisfinal meeting with his tutor.

2. ARTHUR is sat at a desk with a cup of tea reading JamesJoyce.

3. BOBBY, sipping a tin of cheap beer, watches daytime T.V

4. ARTHUR is sat in the dark, with a glow of a screen infront of him, ostensibly working on a laptop. He isconcentrating deeply. It is revealed that he is playingPokemon. He pauses the game to write some notes and refer toJoyce.

5. BOBBY, sipping a tin of cheap beer, watches late nightT.V

6. ARTHUR stands in front of a mirror with his mother behindhim. He is wearing a robe and a mortarboard.

5.

7 INT. CORNER SHOP - AFTERNOON

BOBBY dives hurriedly and stressed into the corner shop,ignoring the shopkeeper and heading straight for the toiletat the back of the shop. The door is locked and BOBBY startsto dance uncomfortably at the door.

BOBBYWhos in there!?

SHOPKEEPERCustomers only, sir.

BOBBYCome on, I really have to go.

BOBBYS awkward dancing intensifies

SHOPKEEPERSorry, youll have to buy somethingor leave.

BOBBYAlright then, jesus.

BOBBY walks toward the counter, he looks at the chocolatesection. Instead of buying the first or cheapest item hesees, he begins to deliberate and decide. His need-to-peedance continues as he considers his choices. He reaches fora few but puts them back suddenly.

BOBBYHmm... Ah shit I cant decide.

BOBBY grabs a lottery ticket from the counter and beginsscrawling circles. He pays for the ticket and runs to thetoilet. Its still locked. The SHOPKEEPER walks at apainfully slow pace to the back of the shop.

BOBBYCome on... Come on...

The SHOPKEEPER unlocks the door and BOBBY rushes in andslams the door behind him. Almost immediately, there is agroan of satisfaction from behind the door. The SHOPKEEPERstands, waiting for BOBBY to finish. There is a sound offlushing, and BOBBY exits, relieved. He turns to theSHOPKEEPER with distain.

BOBBYShould have just pissed in thebread isle.

6.

8 INT. BOBBYS LIVING ROOM - 6PM

BOBBY is sat in front of the T.V in a T-shirt and boxers. Heis dipping biscuits into tea continously. BOBBYS MOTHERpokes her head into the room.

BOBBYS MOTHERSo you havent been out looking forany jobs today then?

BOBBY(concentrating on biscuitdipping)

Underwear model. Pay wasnt goodenough. Turned it down.

BOBBYS MOTHER sighs and her head disappears from the room.BOBBY begins channel hopping until the news appears onscreen.

NEWSCASTER (ON TV) (O.S)And now for a reminder of lastnights lotto numbers. 23, 12, 8...

The sound of the T.V blurs into nothingness as BOBBYs eyeswiden. He absent mindedly dips his biscuit into his tea ashe listens to his numbers being called out. The sound of thetv resurfaces on the final number.

NEWSCASTER (ON TV) (O.S)And the bonus ball, 17.

The soggy end of BOBBYs biscuit breaks off and falls intohis cup of tea with a plop. BOBBY, stunned, doesnt react.

9 INT. BOBBYS LIVING ROOM - 6.05PM

BOBBY stands holding a hair dryer to a soggy strip of paper,he is jumpy and panicked.

BOBBYI wash my own clothes one time, andthis happens!

BOBBYs MOTHER enters and begins uselessly fanning the wetstrip of paper.

BOBBYREWIND THE T.V.!

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 7.

BOBBYS MOTHERWe had to cancel Sky+, it was afortune Bobby!

BOBBYAh, christ! Google the numbers!

BOBBYS MOTHER walks to the table and opens the laptop.BOBBY remains standing, pointing the hair dryer desperatelyat the strip of paper. BOBBYS MOTHER squints and leans inclose to the screen.

BOBBYS MOTHERNow, which one of these buttons isGoogle?

BOBBYYou have to be on a browser!

BOBBYS MOTHERWhats that again? The little bluething?

BOBBYYES!

BOBBYS MOTHERAh, OK, I know what to do now.

BOBBYS MOTHER begins typing in an excruciatingly slowfashion, while BOBBYS blow drying becomes more frantic ashe watches on.

BOBBYWell?

BOBBYS MOTHERIts not working.

BOBBYWhat? Let me see.

BOBBY approaches his Mother and the laptop, still holdingthe paper and hair dryer, he peers at the screen. On thescreen typed into a blank Word processing document is thesentence "BOBBYS LOTTERY NUMBERS THANKS". Looking at hisMother with genuine bewilderment he pushes her out of theway, handing her the paper and the still blowing hair dryer.

BOBBY begins typing frantically. He peers at the paper, andback to the screen. Then back to the paper. He holds hishands to his forehead in shock. Smiles stretch across hisand his mothers faces.

8.

10 INT. ARTHURS MOTHERS HOUSE - EVENING

ARTHUR is sitting at the kitchen table, his mother, DAWN,joins him, with cups of tea.

DAWNCup of tea for Mister graduate.

ARTHURThanks!

DAWNAnd with first class honours!Sugar?

ARTHURTwo.

DAWNYour professor, at graduation, saidyou were a very "unique young man".

ARTHURHe never understood the complexityof my work, mind. Hes a luddite.

DAWNDont say that, Arthur!... What isthat?

ARTHURDoesnt matter. Ive got my degreenow. I can do whatever I want.

DAWNYoull have to start applying forjobs then.

ARTHURJust a formality really.

ARTHUR sips his tea and sits thoughtfully in silence as DAWNrises from her chair to leave the room. He smiles tohimself, his look closely resembles smugness.

11 INT. BOBBYS HOUSE - 6.05PM

BOBBY clicks the phone on the hook in a rushed manner andlooks at his mother

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 9.

BOBBYS MOTHERWell?

BOBBYI have to come to them. This isreal. This is real. This is real...

BOBBY trails off, talking to himself, as he rushes aroundthe room picking up his coat and car keys. He leaves theliving room, pulling his coat on, and heads for the frontdoor.

BOBBYS MOTHERBobby!

BOBBY(Impatient)

What!?

His mother stares at him, urging him to come to arealisation. BOBBY, wrapped in his coat and holding car keysat the half open front door, is not wearing any trousers.

12 MONTAGE - BOBBY DESCENDS INTO DEBAUCHERY FOLLOWING HISLOTTERY WIN

A) BOBBY stands with local newspaper photographers and arepresentative from the lottery as he holds a large noveltycheque, with "ONE MILLION TWO HUNDRED THOUSAND POUNDS"written on it. He is smiling gleefully.

B) BOBBY excitedly exits an off license with a large box ofbeer.

C) BOBBY pushes his way to the front of a nightclub queuewith two attractive but vacuous looking women, the bouncershakes his hand and allows him in.

D) BOBBY stands outside a car dealership in front of a brandnew convertible. He shakes hands excitedly with thesalesman. He jumps into the car and takes off recklessly.E) BOBBY excitedly exits an off licence with a large bottleof whiskey.

F) In the nightclub BOBBY is sat with a large group ofpeople, women are pouring drinks messily into his mouth.

G) On a city street at night, BOBBY, surrounded by hisnightclub friends, is seen handing two homeless men money.They begin fighting each other, as the group cheers on.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 10.

H) BOBBY excitedly exits an off license with two bottles ofwine.

I) BOBBY suddenly stops cheering the fight, and doubles overin pain, he begins vomiting in the street. He beginsstumbling down the street on his own. Shots of BOBBY andothers drinking and taking drugs and dancing in night clubsbegin to alternate and speed up. The montage becomes moreand more intense and then fades suddenly to black as we seeBOBBY collapse in an alley.

13 INT. ARTHURS FLAT - DAY

ARTHUR walks in to his living room from his front doorclutching a handful of letters, he begins tearing them openone by one. His face falls further and further upon eachletter. He scans the final letter then throws them in thebin. On the top letter in the bin the visible words read:"We regret to inform you that... ...in the future"

ARTHUR slouches on his sofa, and turns on the T.V. Cartoonsare playing. ARTHURS phone begins to ring and he answersit.

ARTHURHello, Mum.

(beat)No, yeah, Im fine.

(beat)Havent heard anything todayeither.

(beat)Well sometimes they take a whilegetting back to you I guess.

(beat)Thanks, Mum. Bye.

A dejected ARTHUR hangs up the phone and returns to watchingcartoons. After a while, ARTHUR rises from his seat andlifts an opened letter. He deliberates for a moment, thenbegins dialling.

14 INT. CALL CENTRE - DAY

ARTHUR is walking through a large office with the MANAGER ofthe call centre. The centre is buzzing with the chatter ofphone conversations. ARTHUR dressed in a shirt and Tie,looks nervous.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 11.

MANAGEROkay then, Aaron-

ARTHUR(interrupting)

Arthur.

MANAGERAll I need for you to do is readfrom this script. Nice and clear.If they want to buy, just put themthrough to sales.

ARTHUR and the MANAGER reach an empty desk and ARTHUR sitsdown, holding his script.

MANAGERIve sat you next to Dylan, here.Hes one of our best. He can showyou the ropes.

ARTHUR attempts to speak but the MANAGER is already gone.

ARTHUROkay, Th-

ARTHUR eases himself at his table, loosening his tie andreading over his script. All the while, his table partnerDylan, irritatingly upbeat, reads the opening lines of hisscript only to get hung up on. He clicks the phone on thehook and picks it up again. The process is repeated adnauseam.

DYLANHi, My name is Dylan, would you beinterested in Eskimo DoubleGlazing?

(click, dial)Hi, My name is Dylan, would you beinterested in Eskimo Double-

(click, dial)Hi, My name is Dylan, would you beinterested in-

(click, dial)Hi, My name is Dylan, wo-

(click, dial)Hi, My name is Dylan, would youinterested in Eskimo DoubleGlazing? I can assure you ourprices are very reasonable. We candeliver and fit anywhere in thecountry.

(beat)(MORE)

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 12.

DYLAN (contd)Oh, you would? Fantastic. Let meput you through to sales.

DYLAN presses the button on his phone dramatically and makesan explosion sound, imitating a bomb blast with his hands.He looks at ARTHUR.

DYLANAnd thats how its done.

ARTHURThat must really take some skill.

DYLANI know right? been here for threeyears next month. Making mad moneyon comission yo. Ive got it made.LCD flatscreen, two Xboxs and amoped. You should come to me if youwant to score some bitches from theoffice.

(pointing)See Lauren over there?

ARTHURI see.

DYLANShe showed me one of her tits atthe christmas party last year.

ARTHURMaybe next year youll get theother one.

DYLANDear Santa Claus, right?

DYLAN starts laughing loudly at his own joke, slappingARTHUR on the back roughly.

DYLANSo come on then, man. Lets hearwhat youve got.

ARTHUR coughs and scans over the script one last time beforedialling.

ARTHURHello my name is Dylan, can-

(clicking the phone on thereceiver)

(MORE)(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 13.

ARTHUR (contd)Shit!

DYLAN(laughing)

Thats not your name man!

ARTHURAlright, Ill go again.

As ARTHUR repeats the process over and over, ususallystumbling nervously over the first few lines of script,DYLAN attempts to disctract him, tickling him, giving himthe fingers, attempting to give him a back rub. ARTHURattempts to ignore him, but becomes clearly irritated as thephonecalls wear on.

ARTHURHe-Hello, My name is Arthur, wouldyou be- Okay, bye.

(click, dial)Hello, My name is Arthur, wo-

(click, dial)Hello, My name is Arthur, would yoube interested in Eskimo DoubleGlazing? No? Okay, bye.

(click, dial)Hello, My name is Dylan- Fuck!Sorry. Bye.

(click, dial)Hello, my name is-

ARTHUR clicks the phone down, and DYLAN returns to hischair. DYLAN is staring at his computer screen, laughing tohimself. He eventually turns to find ARTHUR staring at him.

DYLAN(smiling)

What?

15 INT. ARTHURS MOTHERS CAR - EVENING

Outside the call center, ARTHUR gets into his mothers carand slams the door. The car drives off.

DAWNHowd your first day of work gothen, love?

ARTHURI got fired.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 14.

DAWNWhat!?

ARTHURI punched the guy I was sittingnext to.

DAWNReally, Youve never punched anyonein your life, Arthur.

ARTHURIt was worth it. There will beother jobs.

DAWNMaybe youll get a job tomorrow andyou wont want punch someone thistime. How about that?

ARTHURThat sounds unrealistic.

Arthur brings his hands to his face and rubs his tired eyesas the car rolls on.

16 INT. BOBBYS CONVERTIBLE - EVENING

With the stereo up loud and the outside world whizzing pastat a rate, A clearly intoxicated Bobby sings along to thesong playing on the radio with a slurred, atonal yell whilehe drums with his hands on the steering wheel.

17 EXT. OUTSIDE THE CELLAR PUB - EVENING

The car pulls up at the street outside the bar. ARTHUR exitsthe car and turns, leaning in the window.

ARTHUROh, Mum, you couldnt lend metwenty quid?

DAWN, barely registering the comment begins reaching intoher purse, she pulls out a twenty pound note and hands it toARTHUR.

DAWNWhat do you need it for?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 15.

ARTHURBeer, Mum.

DAWNRight, well, have fun.

As DAWNS car disappears down the road, a loud screecherupts from the other direction and a red sports car skidsinto the car park of the bar, it begins to slow but stillimpacts with a lamp post. ARTHUR, who watched this accidentunfold alone, runs to the passenger seat of the car to findan unsettled and drunk BOBBY impotently wrestling aninflated airbag.

ARTHURHoly fuck! Are you Okay?!

BOBBY ignores ARTHUR and continues to wrestle with theairbag. Suddenly there is a dull pop and the airbag deflatesslowly onto BOBBYS lap to reveal him holding a knife. He isclearly in shock, staring at ARTHUR with wide eyes and anopen mouth. After a few moments of silence, BOBBY, stillclutching the knife, vomits all over Arthurs shoes. Hewipes his mouth and looks back to a stunned ARTHUR.

BOBBYYeah, I think so.

18 EXT. OUTSIDE THE CELLAR PUB - EVENING

BOBBY begins to climb out of his crashed car, MeanwhileARTHUR is dragging his feet on grass nearby, wiping vomitfrom his shoes. BOBBY stumbles toward ARTHUR and grabs him

BOBBYSHHH!(SLURRING)

ARTHURBut I-

BOBBYSHHH!

Crouching, and looking around suspiciously, BOBBY dragsARTHUR toward the pub. He pushes ARTHUR inside and BOBBYtakes one last look around outside before he slams the doorshut.

16.

19 INT. INSIDE THE CELLAR PUB - EVENING

BOBBY carelessly slaps two pints onto the table where he andARTHUR are sat.

BOBBY(To the pints) Would you look atthat?

BOBBY begins to chug his pint with gusto. He finishes hispint and then looks at ARTHUR quizzically. He begins to talkbut his speech is interrupted by a drunken belch.

BOBBYAre you gonna- (BELCH)

BOBBYAre you gonna drink that?

ARTHURYes, you gave it to me fifteenseconds ago.

BOBBYSo?

ARTHURSo give me some time!

ARTHUR looks at his drink then looks back at BOBBY, who isswaying slightly in his chair.

ARTHURAre you sure you dont need to goto the hospital?

BOBBYI feel great. Fantastic. Why wouldI go to the hospital? You wantanother pint?

ARTHURIts just, you crashed your carinto a lamp post.

BOBBYWho?!

ARTHURYou.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 17.

BOBBYWhat?

ARTHURYoure also hammered, you could goto jail!

BOBBY stands up from his chair suddenly, His speech is evenmore slurred.

BOBBYHow dare you!

Glassy eyed, BOBBY turns and wobbles up to the bar. LeavingARTHUR alone with his still untouched pint. While he isleaned at the bar, two policemen enter the bar. They spotBOBBY and approach him. They get his attention and begintalking with BOBBY, ARTHUR watches but cannot hear what theyare saying. To ARTHURS confusion the two policemen beginlaughing and joking with BOBBY. BOBBY shakes hands with oneof the Policemen and they leave the bar.

BOBBY begins his swaying journey back to the table with twomore pints, and sits down in the most casual way he canmuster.

ARTHURHow did you do that?

BOBBY already has his lips to the next pint, and finisheshis mouthful before he answers. He is now absolutely dead tothe world.

BOBBYDo... do what?

ARTHURGet the-

Before ARTHUR can get another word out, BOBBY crashes to theground from his chair, unconscious.

20 INT. ARTHURS FLAT - 7AM

BOBBY lays unconscious snoring on the living room sofa. Aparticularly grunt-like snore erupts and echoes through theroom. BOBBY, shocked at his own noise, stirs groggily. Hesits upright and looks around the cramped flat. Around thewalls in messy stacks are books upon books. Rising slowlyfrom the sofa he walks to the books and begins casuallyleafing through one entitled "Nice to Nietzche:Existentialism for Dummies". Placing the book down he

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 18.

approaches the table and eyes a small stack of papers, anessay; "Joycian Elements in "Teletubbies" and other 1990sChildrens Television Programmes, By Arthur Ward"

Suddenly becoming unnerved, BOBBY throws the essay back ontothe table and begins to look around the room uneasily. Hereaches for his coat and starts toward the door. ARTHURenters. Equally as worse for wear, the two hungover men lookat each other. A mutual suspicion then slow realisationcreeps over both their faces. BOBBY spots a detailed sketchof a phallus on ARTHURS forehead but says nothing.

ARTHURDo you want a cup of tea?

21 INT. ARTHURS FLAT - 7.30AM

BOBBY and ARTHUR are sat in the living room, both drinkingtea. ARTHUR is still unaware of the penis drawn on his head.

BOBBYSo the car is still there?

ARTHURAs far as I know. It was huggingthat post pretty tight.

BOBBYWhy are you so hungover? I thoughtyou took me here when I passed out?

ARTHUROh, no, thats not what happened atall. You came to in the bar andwanted to keep drinking. I said itwas a bad idea, but you insisted.

BOBBYAh, the lesser known third wind.

ARTHURIs that what they call drinkingimmediately after being involved ina car accident?

BOBBYLook, were both OK, arent we? Noharm done.

CUT TO: The street and carpark outside ARTHURS flat window.BOBBYS convertable in the same shape he left it in,crumpled in front of a lamp post outside the Cellar Pub. A

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 19.

small crowd of nosy locals have gathered and the twopolicemen from the night before are standing by as men workto lift the car onto a truck nearby.

CUT TO: BOBBY and ARTHUR in ARTHURs flat.

ARTHURI suppose. Listen, uh... Whatsyour name again?

BOBBYBobby.

ARTHURArthur. So yeah, Bobby, how did youget the police to leave last night?

BOBBYThe police were here?

ARTHURThe police were in the Pub, lookingfor you. They found you then left.It was the strangest thing. You hadjust been drunk driving and crasheda car, and they just left.

BOBBY, now slightly on edge, rises from his seat and walkstoward the kitchen.

BOBBY(O.S)Have you got any biscuits?

ARTHURI have some digestives?

There is an extended silence from the kitchen as BOBBYconsiders the digestive.

BOBBY(O.S)Have you got any other biscuits?

ARTHUR, now clocking BOBBYs avoidance of the question,follows BOBBY into the kitchen.

ARTHURNo- Look, Bobby, how did you getthe police to leave?

BOBBY, still ignoring the question, begins rifling through acupboard. He pulls out a box of cereal, thrusts his handsinside and starts eating fistfuls of frosted flakes.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 20.

ARTHURI mean, it looked like they knewyou or something... like... Are youa gangster? ... I mean, you havethe fancy car, and you seem to haveconnections with the police.

BOBBY, still clutching the box of cereal and eating, widenshis eyes playfully at ARTHUR. With his mouth full of cereal,he finally replies.

BOBBYYouve got a dick drawn on yourhead mate.

ARTHUR alternates rubbing his forehead and looking at hishand, as he leaves the kitchen in search of a mirror. BOBBYcontinues to eat cereal from the box.

22 INT. ARTHURS FLAT - 9AM

BOBBY and ARTHUR are stood in ARTHURs bathroom, ARTHUR isrubbing the remainder of the penis from his forehead infront of the mirror.

ARTHURSo you are a gangster?

BOBBYI paid the police off, but Im nota gangster.

ARTHURAre you a snitch or something?

BOBBYA what?

ARTHURYou know, a grass. An informant.

BOBBYYeah, my Mum runs a moneylaundering operation out of ourspare room. Ive been feeding thepolice information for three years.

ARTHUR turns to BOBBY, confused, unsure of the truth of thestatement.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 21.

BOBBYI won the lottery, dickhead.

23 INT. ARTHURS FLAT - 10AM

BOBBY and ARTHUR are sat in the living room. The penis onARTHURs head is now gone.

ARTHURSo youve seriously only spentthree grand since youve won?

BOBBY(His voice trails off as heremembers writing off histwenty grand car)

Yeah. Oh, actually I bought aconvertible, as well. that wastwenty... grand...

ARTHURYou could do so much with thatmoney, go travelling, startbusinesses, help people! And theonly thing of note youve done inthe past month is land yourself amassive excess on your insurance.Oh, and throw up on my shoes.

BOBBYDoesnt your car has to be insuredbefore you can pay excess?

ARTHUR rises from his chair, suddenly motivated.

ARTHURGive me some money.

BOBBYWhat? (Laughter) No.

ARTHURCome on. Its wasted on you. Idmake something with ten grand.

BOBBYOh youre still drunk?

ARTHURAh, Leave it! Give me some money.consider it compensation forletting you stay here, and for

(MORE)(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 22.

ARTHUR (contd)nearly running me over, and forcorroding my trainers (peering athis feet) with... what were youdrinking? Bleach?

BOBBYClose. Tesco Whiskey.

ARTHURYoure a fucking millionaire,christ!

BOBBYSo?

ARTHURSo you can afford a bit of anupgrade!

BOBBYLook. I won the lottery. Not you.Im allowed to spend my money how Iwant.

ARTHURI disagree. You need someone totell you how to spend your money.Youre clearly a moron.

BOBBYAll this from the grown man writingbooks about the teletubbies?

ARTHUR(suddenly defensive)

That... thats a proper academicwork.

BOBBYYoure a proper academic work.

ARTHURThats a lazy comeback, and it alsosounds like a compliment, sothanks.

BOBBY stifles a laugh, and the tension between the boysbegins to melt away.

BOBBYAlright. Ill tell you what. Imnot going to give you anything

(MORE)(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 23.

BOBBY (contd)today. But you have inspired me.Maybe I could be a big shot.

ARTHURYes! Like Steve Jobs! or MarkZuckerburg!

BOBBYOr Eamonn Holmes.

ARTHURErr... Yes.

BOBBYAnd youre gonna help me.

ARTHURWhat?

BOBBYYoure a bit of a wanker but youseem to know things. Like big wordsand stuff.

ARTHURWhy would I help you?

BOBBYDont you want that ten grand?

24 EXT. STREET - EVENING

BOBBY and ARTHUR exit the pub and begin walking down thestreet. They are chatting excitedly, and clearly drunk.

BOBBYYou know what, I have to admitsomething.

ARTHURWhat?

BOBBYI drew that dick on your head.

ARTHURIts fine, just dont do it again.

BOBBYYou know what?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 24.

ARTHURWhat?

BOBBYWere gonna live like kings, man.Yeah like kings.

ARTHURWere gonna be kings of business!

BOBBYExactly man...

ARTHURIm ringing my Mum.

BOBBYDo it.

ARTHURHey Mum... Yeah... I got a fuckingjob!

BOBBYHes only gone and got himself afucking job hasnt he!

They begin cheering and shouting rowdily down the phone atARTHURs Mother as they continue down the street.

[FADE OUT]

How To Lose A Million Pounds With Dignity"2. Convention"

ENH3000-QUB-FYR

1 EXT. OUTSIDE ARTHURS FLAT - AFTERNOON

ARTHUR stands with his hands in his pockets at the roadside. In an identical convertible to the one he crashed anddestroyed only days previous, BOBBY speeds up the road andbrakes to a halt beside ARTHUR. The roof is down.

BOBBYGet in.

ARTHUR begins to open the door, but BOBBY closes it shut.

BOBBYNo. Not like that.

ARTHUR climbs over the door slowly and awkwardly.

BOBBYNow, wasnt that fun?

ARTHURRiotous.

2 EXT. INSIDE BOBBYS CAR, ROOF DOWN - AFTERNOON

BOBBY, speeding down the road with ARTHUR in the passengerseat, is taking little notice of the road. Both are yellingover the sound of the wind and the engine roar.

ARTHURYeah! So Ive got somewhere for usto go now!

BOBBYWho is that?!

ARTHURWhat!?

BOBBYWhat did you say!?

ARTHURI said, Ive got somewhere for usto go!

BOBBYHold on, Let me turn the radiodown!

BOBBY begins turning the volume of the already inaudibleradio down, content that he has lowered the volume enoughfor them to speak, he replies to ARTHUR, still yelling.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 2.

BOBBYOkay! What was it you were saying!?

The convertible slows at a zebra crossing. ARTHUR reachesinto the back of the car and begins lifting the cloth roofand reattaching it to the windscreen.

ARTHURHow do you put this roof on, Icant hear a thing.

BOBBYFuck the roof!

ARTHUR(still struggling with thecloth, slightly gagging)

I swallowed a bluebottle orsomething back there.

ARTHUR, coughing from apparent bluebottle inhalation, is nowstanding in the passenger seat of the convertible fumblingwith the cloth roof of the car. A queue of traffic isbeginning to form.

BOBBYGive me the damn roof.

Both now standing upright in their seats, they begin toslowly attach the roof back onto the car. Too slow for thedrivers behind, as objects begin to be thrown at the boys inthe car.

ARTHURDrive! Drive! Drive!

Aborting the plan to reattach the roof, the car speeds offas ARTHUR uses the cloth as a makeshift shield to block anoncoming half filled bottle of soft drink. ARTHUR returns tohis seat, but spots something on the dashboard.

ARTHUROh, look! Theres a Roof Closebutton!

BOBBYWhat!?

[ROLL TITLES]

3.

3 INT. CAFE - AFTERNOON

BOBBY and ARTHUR are sat at the wall table of a small cafe.BOBBY is eating a large fry, ARTHUR is sipping on a cup oftea.

ARTHURI thought you said you already hadbreakfast?

BOBBYI did. At 9.

ARTHURSo you really need this much food?

BOBBYDid you know that driving with thetop down burns calories? The windactually blows the fat off yourskin.

ARTHURIm almost fairly certain you justmade that up.

BOBBY shrugs, holding his cutlery, and continues to eat.

BOBBYSo who is this guy were going tosee?

ARTHURHis name is Mr. Theodore Murphy, orDr. Theodore Murphy.

BOBBYWhich one?

ARTHURIm not sure, his ad was a bitinconsistent.

BOBBYSo what do I want to go to a doctorfor? I dont have any healthissues.

ARTHURAnyone whos eating doublebreakfasts and doing as littleexercise as you is bound to runinto some problems down the line.

(MORE)(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 4.

ARTHUR (contd)But hes not a medical doctor. Hesan accountant. A financial advisor.

BOBBYSo why do you think this guy isgonna be able to help me?

ARTHURWell, from what I could tell fromhis ad, hes struck out on his own.A maverick. Hes not a facelesscorporate suit like most.

BOBBYAnd tell me again why this is agood thing?

ARTHURItll be a great thing. We needsomeone who can think outside thebox. Were going to cut a swatheout of the business world and leaveit holding its arse in its hands.

BOBBYI definitely want to cut thebusiness worlds arse off, butshouldnt we go with someone morepopular? Reliable? Its not like Icant afford someone good.

ARTHURRobert, Robert, Robert. Ralph WaldoEmerson said-

BOBBY(interrupting)

Sounds like a wanker.

ARTHURRalph Waldo Emerson said "Do not gowhere the path may lead, go insteadwhere there is no path, and leave atrail".

BOBBYYeah. Wanker. Right well, It canthurt I suppose.

ARTHURYoull see. Im rarely wrong aboutthese things.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 5.

BOBBY returns to his food and resumes eating. They sit insilence momentarily.

ARTHURI heard he was a bit of a wanker,in fairness.

4 INT. MR MURPHYS OFFICE - AFTERNOON

MR. THEODORE MURPHY, accountant, is sat at his desk in atiny office. He is leaning back in his chair, with atelephone to his ear.

MR. MURPHYNo! Absolutely not!

(beat)Well thats your own personalopinion isnt it? Which from mypast experiences of your opinioncounts for exactly fuck all.

(beat)You know that was a bad day for me.I had lost a great of deal money inthe markets.

(beat)Well, I was reliably informed thatJustin Timberlakes managementwould be a great boost for Myspace.

(beat)Yes, he does have a great voice.

BOBBY and ARTHUR enter, MR MURPHY, covering the bottom ofthe phone with his hand, gestures to them.

MR. MURPHYHave a seat lads.

MR. MURPHY(down the phone)

Right, well, I concede that Ivemade a few mistakes in that area inthe past.

(beat)Rent fucking Die Hard for the sixthtime then. I dont care. You knowits a Christmas film?

(beat)Ill bring the wine. Alright. Ok.See you later. Love you.

MR. MURPHY casually places the phone on the hook.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 6.

MR. MURPHYSorry, that was my wife. Now then,what can I do for you fellas. Yougetting married? Need some adviceon buying a house?

ARTHURWhat? No. Bobby needs somefinancial advice.

MR. MURPHYShame. Youd make a lovely couple.

BOBBYI won the lottery.

MR. MURPHY(pointing to ARTHUR)

And this ones a gold digger eh?(to ARTHUR)

Let me tell you something youhussy, I-

BOBBYWere not getting married! Justlisten for a second.

ARTHURBobby won over a million quid onthe lottery about a month back, andhes decided he wants to use themoney properly. We saw your adonline and well, here we are.

BOBBYThe ad says you have a doctorate.

MR. MURPHY(he gestures to a certificateon the wall)

I do indeed!

ARTHUR(leaning closer to inspect thecertificate)

Does that say "University of Life"?

MR. MURPHYIve got a few ideas on how you canspend your money Bobby. You canspunk it all down the toilet withwomen and cars and drugs, or youcan be cool, and invest it in

(MORE)(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 7.

MR. MURPHY (contd)businesses and low risk savingsaccounts.

BOBBY, unsure, looks to ARTHUR

MR. MURPHYBobby, tell me. Are you cool?

BOBBYYour definition of cool is new andstrange to me.

MR. MURPHYIm gonna send you lads somewhere.Somewhere you can take that millionpound cheque, and double it. Tripleit.

BOBBYNo. No way, last time I went to thecasino they broke my thumb!

ARTHUR and MR. MURPHY both look at BOBBY, shocked.

BOBBYI wasnt a millionaire at thatpoint, though, I suppose.

MR. MURPHYBobby, dont be silly. Im notmaking you gamble. Youre going toinvest in the stock market!

BOBBYI dont know the anything about thestock market.

MR. MURPHYDoes anyone really? Sometimes I seethat FTSE 100 on the news and itjust looks like nonsense to me.Just go with your gut. Its workedfor me.

ARTHURHas it?

MR. MURPHYIm gonna send you lads to aprofessional, upmarket convention.You can discuss ideas withcompanies and businesses, and maybeinvest that money in some of them.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 8.

BOBBYArthur and I are going to conferout in the hallway.

MR. MURPHYTake your time lads.

BOBBY and ARTHUR exit and close the door behind them.

BOBBYSo, what do you think? Should wego?

ARTHURRemember what Emerson said?

BOBBYClearly not.

ARTHUR(shrugging)

Well, Its bound to be better thanbreaking your thumb.

5 EXT. OUTSIDE HOTEL - DAY

The convertible pulls up outside a small hotel, where MR.MURPHY says the convention is being held. The outer facadeis underwhelming. BOBBY and ARTHUR, dressed smart in shirtsand ties, still look unconvincing as businessmen.

BOBBYSo this is "Where dreams are made?"

ARTHURAccording to our man.

At the front door they stop at a sign. With re-attachablelettering the sign reads:

"TODAY:

MAIN SUITE:

"MORE THAN JUST EXAGGERATED FOOTWEAR" - A MOTIVATIONALCLOWNING TALK, BY COCO

BACK SUITE:

SYNERGIST INVESTMENT AND BUSINESS IDEA SUMMIT"

After reading the sign, the boys continue into the hotel.

9.

6 INT. HOTEL BAR - DAY

BOBBY and ARTHUR are sat at a table. BOBBY, drinks his usualpint, while ARTHUR is sat with a tumbler of whiskey.

BOBBYWhat kind of business conventionstarts at 6pm?

ARTHUR(Im at a loss.)

BOBBYWell, we can get ourselves welloiled. Yknow, a bit of courage.Strictly business beers.

ARTHUROf course.

BOBBYOr business whiskeys.

ARTHUR picks up his glass.

ARTHURThis, Bobby, is an Old Fashioned.It used to be a very popularcocktail in the 1950s 60s, and itwas all but forgotten. But itsmade a resurgence in recent years.

BOBBY(feigning interest)

Oh, is it now? Whats in it?

ARTHURSugar, water, bitters, and smoothsmoky burbon. Its a mans drink.

ARTHUR lifts the tumbler and begins swirling the liquid. Hepeers through the glass, holding it up to the light.

ARTHURThe bartender shook it, It reallyshould have been stirred.

ARTHUR finally lifts the glass and swills a minute volume ofwhiskey. His face contorts, but he manages to hide hisrevulsion.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 10.

ARTHURThatll take you there.

Two clowns in full costumes walk past through the bar.

BOBBY reaches over the table, lifts the tumbler and emptiesthe entire cocktail into his mouth in two gulps.

BOBBYYoure right, that definitelyshould have been stirred.

7 INT. MR MURPHYS OFFICE - DAY

MR. MURPHY is sat leaning back on his chair. Again he is onthe phone.

MR. MURPHYThat money can be held in Zurichwhile you leave the country.

(beat)I assure you it will be safe.

(beat)No, Its not that Zurich.

(beat)Zurich, Kansas.

(beat)Okay now, Thanks. Hope theparachute jump goes smoothly.

MR. MURPHY clicks the phone down. He slurps a cup of coffeeroughly then checks the time on his watch. He picks up hisphone and dials.

MR. MURPHYHello. Have you made it to theconvention?

(beat)Yes. Its starting in an hour.

(beat)Theyre two stupid looking lads insuits. A slob and a poof.

(beat)Just get them to sign what Ivegiven you. If you get theirsignatures, were sorted.

(beat)Tell them its for, I dont know,just think of something. Theyreidiots.

11.

8 INT. HOTEL LOBBY - DAY

The boys are standing in a queue for the convention hall.The queue is surprisingly large and growing by the minute.

BOBBYCant believe we have to queuehere. I could probably buy thishotel.

ARTHURAre you going to though?

BOBBYNo.

ARTHURGood. Because the bar service ishorrendous.

BOBBYIts not their fault you have thegag reflex of an infant.

ARTHURThat last drink was too strong.

BOBBYLucky the spew didnt splash ontoyour suit.

ARTHURI know. This tie is vintage.

BOBBYLooks like the off cuts of acurtain to me.

ARTHURIts a nice tie. Ive got class.Something that you lack. Thats whyIm here.

BOBBYYoure here because I won thelottery.

ARTHURYou know what I mean. We cantbicker like this in the convention.Lets show a solid front.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 12.

BOBBYI suppose youre right.

ARTHURNow, what, roughly do you want tospend your money on?

BOBBYIm not sure really. What did thatguy Steve Jobs do?

ARTHURHe was one of the co-founders ofApple computers. Theyve created abrand thats completely invadedpopular culture. The company ishuge.

The convention doors open and the queue begins to filterthrough the double doors. BOBBY and ARTHUR begin moving downthe line. A clown wobbles past in a Unicycle.

BOBBYYeah, that sounds a bit dull to behonest.

9 INT. CONVENTION HALL - DAY

The busy convention room is lined with stalls set up byvarious businesses, trying to attract investors and businesspartners.

BOBBYThis is more like it. I feel likethat guy from that movie.

ARTHURWall Street?

BOBBYAmerican Psycho.

ARTHUR begins to reply, but decides not to press it further.ARTHUR and BOBBY walk up to one of the first stalls. Theboard behind the women at the table is covered withcompletely illegible multi-coloured smudge paintings,Resembling some branch of tasteless modern art.

ARTHURGood afternoon folks, My name isArthur, this is my associate andgood friend Bobby. Can you tell mea little more about about

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 13.

(reading the stall sign)"Paint for Pooches"?

STALL WOMANWell, were just starting out andthis is our first real convention.

ARTHURWere veterans of the circuitourselves.

STALL WOMANThats great, were really lookingfor someone experienced to give usa hand.

ARTHURWhat do you do exactly?

The STALL WOMAN reaches her hand down and begins strokingforlorn looking labrador dog.

STALL WOMANWell... Last year my little Cookiehere was out walking with me in thepark, and I accidentally threw myfrisbee into a hedgerow...

The womans voice begins cracking, its becoming clear thatthe story is distressing for her to tell.

STALL WOMANAnd when Cookie ran into thehedgerow to fetch the frisbee, Iheard a howl...

The man next to the woman on the table places her arm on herback to comfort her.

ARTHURWhat happened?

STALL WOMANThere was a dead body in thehedgerow.

ARTHURChrist. Who was it?

STALL WOMANIt was a little poodle. Poor thing.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 14.

ARTHURA dog?!

STALL WOMANYes. And for weeks after, My Cookiejust wasnt the same. But one day,I spilled a tin of paint when I wasredecorating, and Cookies moodlifted just like that! It wasmiraculous. She was playful andback to her normal self. Thatswhen I decided to start thischarity.

ARTHURPaint for Pooches.

STALL WOMANWe use art therapy to treat dogssuffering from post traumaticstress disorder.

ARTHUR watches on cheerfully as Cookie begins pawing at awhite page with red paint all over her legs. BOBBY,unimpressed, grabs ARTHUR, while talking to the peoplebehind the desk.

STALL WOMANCookie is still a troubled dog. Shecan turn from peaceful to crazedvery quickly. But shes gettingbetter.

BOBBY(dragging ARTHUR away)

Excuse me, Im just going to...Ok...? thanks...

ARTHURWhat are you doing? I was stilltalking to her. That sounds like areally important cause.

BOBBYCatch a grip.

ARTHURDont you think Animals can thinkand feel like us?

BOBBYDogs are stupid, Arthur, they cantget Post Transit Van Desk Back

(MORE)(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 15.

BOBBY (contd)Order or whatever the fuck thatwas. I mean can you imagine tryingto clean poster paint off alabrador? There are already enoughhumans making terrible art. Letsgo.

They continue past the Paints for Pooches stall and start tothread their way through the crowd. The attendees of theconvention look underdressed, and some of them downrightstrange.

ARTHURThere dont look to be many otherprofessionals here.

BOBBYOther professionals?

ARTHURYou know what I mean. Where are allthe... Yknow, clipboards and tiesand business cards?

BOBBYWe dont have any business cards.

ARTHURTheyre in the post.

BOBBYWhat does it say under my name?

ARTHUR(stretching his hands acrossthe air in front of him, as ifto present the words to BOBBY)

Business Investor and Entrepeneur

BOBBYNiiice. I dont actually have tosay that last word though?

ARTHURYou dont have to do anything,youre a fucking millionaire.

BOBBY smiles widely as he eyes a stall ahead.

BOBBY(pointing)

What about over here?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 16.

ARTHUR and BOBBY reach the stall. A group of teenagers, afew years younger than them are stood behind the table. Afew of them are shirtless, wearing handmade coloured tights.One is wearing a mask.

BOBBYAlright fellas!

BOBBY and the masked man shake hands roughly.

THE INCREDIBLE DAVEGood day speculative investor! I amThe Incredible Dave!

BOBBYAlright Dave, I-

THE INCREDIBLE DAVE(interrupting)

Incredible Dave!

BOBBYOK. Im Bobby.

THE INCREDIBLE DAVESay it though.

BOBBYWhat?

THE INCREDIBLE DAVEJust call me Incredible Dave.

BOBBYAlright, Incredible Dave.

THE INCREDIBLE DAVEGood Day Bobby! Welcome to thechaotic world of BBBW!

Two teenagers in tights begin wrestling behind THEINCREDIBLE DAVE. One is lifted up with great effort andthrown onto a mat.

THE INCREDIBLE DAVEBurly Boys Backyard Wrestling!

BOBBYCatchy.

THE INCREDIBLE DAVEWe are looking for an investment offifty thousand pounds for ourwrestling enterprise!

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 17.

BOBBYFifty grand?

THE INCREDIBLE DAVEWere gonna get ourselves all Bupaplans.

BOBBYIll give you twenty grand rightnow If that fat guy behind you putsyou through this table.

The large wrestler, seemingly the only real burly boy of thelot, immediately walks to THE INCREDIBLE DAVE. DAVE takes afew steps back.

THE INCREDIBLE DAVEWait a second, lets at least talkabout this Grizzly.

GRIZZLYCome on David, its twenty grand.Think of how many strip lights wecould buy with that money.

THE INCREDIBLE DAVEThe Incredible Dave. I havent donethis before. What if it hurts?

GRIZZLYIts one hundred percent definitelygoing to hurt Incredible Dave.

As the wrestlers are discussing the possiblity of suplexthrough a table, ARTHUR taps BOBBY and gestures for him toleave.

BOBBYWhat?

ARTHURCome on, youre not spending twentyK just to see that idiot break hiscollar bone. I told you Id helpyou.

BOBBYNot like this Arthur. Please.

ARTHURYou know youre not going to makeany money from them. I doubt whattheyre doing is even legal.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 18.

BOBBYFine.

BOBBY and ARTHUR leave the stall behind and continue throughthe convention. As they talk, behind them, THE INCREDIBLEDAVE looks to begrudgingly nod his head in agreement withGRIZZLY. He is then violently lifted and dropped carelesslyonto the desk he previously sat at. The desk crumples as THEINCREDIBLE DAVE crashes through it. He lays, rolling inagony. BOBBY and ARTHUR are none the wiser.

BOBBYIt is my money though. If I reallywant to spend it on something, youcant stop me.

ARTHURFair enough. I think my instinctwas right there though.

BOBBYIf my instinct tells me one ofthese businesses is gonna make mericher, Im ignoring you.

ARTHURYour instinct is going to a bitoff, though, isnt it.

BOBBYWhy?

ARTHURBecause youre a millionaire. Ifyou invest ten grand in a backyardwrestling company and they all dieof tetanus or something, youre notexactly out of pocket. Theres norisk. For your instincts to besharp there has to be some riskinvolved.

BOBBYSo Im stupid now just because Ihave over a million quid in thebank?

ARTHURIm assuming you were stupid beforeyou won the lottery, Im justsaying you lack instinct now.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 19.

BOBBYInstinct, what does that even mean?

ARTHURYour gut feeling on something. Youneed someone whos got something tolose to make your decisions.

BOBBYWell, guess what, youve lostsomething. You wont be seeing apenny of my vast riches, Arthur!

ARTHURFine then, I dont want yourfucking money, youll be broke ordead by next year anyway.

BOBBYYeah, and youll be a twat forever.

The two are about to part ways when a voice emanates fromthe crowd.

MISS. WHITEBobby, Arthur. Leaving already?

The two boys turn to find an impeccably dressed andbeautiful woman Slightly older than the boys, she has longdark pulled back tight and glasses which hang at the end ofher nose.

MISS. WHITEIm Miss White.

MISS. WHITE shakes hands with the boys.

ARTHURHow do you know our names?

MISS. WHITEI dont come to these conventionswithout doing some research. I hearyou boys are starting to make somewaves.

BOBBYThat we are. That we are.

MISS. WHITE smiles.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 20.

MISS. WHITEWell, lets talk business.

Forgetting about their recent disagreement, the boys followMISS. WHITE excitedly into a three sided cubicle in themiddle of the convention floor.

10 INT. TINY CUBICLE - CONVENTION HALL - DAY

MISS. WHITE, BOBBY and ARTHUR are sat in the crampedcubicle, inside which MISS. WHITE has managed to fit a tableand chairs.

MISS. WHITESo as you can see here, only threemonths after investing, youllstart to see double, or even triplewhat youve paid in.

BOBBYAnd what exactly are we investingin?

MISS. WHITEIts basically a standardizedcontract between two parties to buyor sell a specified asset ofstandardized quantity and qualityfor a price agreed upon today withdelivery and payment occurring at aspecified future date.

BOBBYThat sounds a bit complex but youseem to know what youre talkingabout.

ARTHURI think I see what she means. Youreally are something else Miss.This could be a good start Bobby.

MISS. WHITEThank you, Arthur. Well, no need tospend any money today, just signhere.

MISS. WHITE pushes a thick contract toward BOBBY

BOBBYWhat are all these pages ofwriting?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 21.

MISS. WHITEJust some legal mumbo jumbo. Bobby.Just let me worry about that.

As BOBBY takes a pen from MISS. WHITE we can hear a faintgrowling and woofing which quickly gets louder and louder.COOKIE the dog is barrelling through the stalls, coated allover in red poster paint, causing mayhem as she runs. She isbeing ineffectually chased by her owner the STALL WOMAN.BOBBY, ARTHUR and MISS. WHITE step back from the table asCOOKIE careers onto it, slapping red paint everywhere.COOKIE jumps from the table and continues through thestalls, enraged.

MISS. WHITEThe contract!

BOBBYDont you have another?

MISS. WHITENo! You cant leave here. Promiseme you wont leave, you have tosign this.

BOBBY and ARTHUR are suddenly unnerved by MISS. WHITEspanic and begin stepping away from the stall. They turn andleave, walking through the crowd.

MISS. WHITECome back, you idiots!

MISS. WHITE jumps onto her paint soaked table, pointing tothe boys.

MISS. WHITEEveryone! Everyone! Those boys overthere won the lottery, theyremillionaires! And they want toinvest in all of your businesses!

People in the crowd begin closing in on the boys, now awareof their wealth.

BUSINESS OWNER #1Hi, I couldnt help but overhearthat you won the lottery. Thatsabsolutely fantastic!

BOBBYErr... Yeah.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 22.

BUSINESS OWNER #1Well, I run a salon for actionfigures and I was wondering ifyoud want to invest in such anenterprise?

BOBBYNo, thanks.

A few more people begin to get closer.

BUSINESS OWNER #2Hi, would you mind investing somecapital in my edible t-shirtcompany?

BOBBYI- I really have to go.

BUSINESS OWNER #2Come on, try it. Im wearing onenow. Its Kiwi flavour!

BOBBYSorry.

BUSINESS OWNER #3Guys! Guys! Come have a look at mywonderful selection of recycledjewelry

BOBBY and ARTHUR, deciding to make a break for it, turn ontheir heels and run. They make for a fire exit close to him.As they approaches the door, THE MAGNIFICENT DAVE, nowlimping, appears. He bolts the door shut. Behind him standsGRIZZLY. They stare smugly at the boys and shake theirheads.

As the delusional business men and women gain on them, theboys check their surroundings, panicked. ARTHUR spots asmall flight of stairs in a different corner of the room.They both begin running through the stalls and booths. Theyrun up the stairs and make it into a small corridor.

11 INT. BACK SUITE, CORRIDOR - DAY

Upon reaching the end of the corridor, they find one door.Its locked.

ARTHUR(banging on the door)

Open the door! Hello!?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 23.

BOBBY(breathless)

Im sorry about earlier Arthur, Iknow you were just trying to help.

ARTHURIm sorry too. Its your money, youcan do what you like.

BOBBYIf we make it out of here, Youregetting that ten grand.

ARTHURBobby, theyre not zombies- Justhelp me break this door down.

BOBBYHere they come!

The mob, led by THE INCREDIBLE DAVE, are marching down thecorridor. ARTHUR and BOBBYs knocking and yelling becomesmore and more frantic. At the oppurtune moment before themob closes in. The door swings open and BOBBY and ARTHURfall in. The door slams shut and locks.

12 INT. MAIN SUITE, MOTIVATIONAL CLOWNING TALK - DAY

BOBBY and ARTHUR step up from the floor, dusting themselvesoff. They look around the hall to see hundreds of clowns,drinking, chatting, eating. The talk has ended and theclowns are mingling.

COCOYou lads ok there?

BOBBYI- Uh, yeah.

COCOIm Coco. Its a pleasure to meetyou

COCO outstretches his hand. BOBBY raise his own to shake andjolts backwards suddenly as their hands touch.

BOBBYAow! That fucking hurt.

COCOAll in good fun. You lads come tofind out about the wonderful world

(MORE)(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 24.

COCO (contd)of clowning? Help yourself to somefood or-

COCO is interrupted by loud banging and shouting from behindthe locked door. The door will be breached at any moment.

BOBBYAny chance you and your mates coulddo us a favour?

COCO smiles.

13 INT. MAIN SUITE, MOTIVATIONAL CLOWNING TALK - 1 MIN LATER

The large knocks on the door have become rhythmic, and thewood is starting to give. With a large final bash the doorsfly open and the mob filters through noisily. The noiseends, as the business owners stop in their tracks. In frontof them is a group of silent clowns. One is holding hislarge shoe, tapping it menacingly on his other hand like abaseball bat.

THE INCREDIBLE DAVE and GRIZZLY pace out toward the clowns.Two clowns, including the one holding his shoe step forward.

BOBBY and ARTHUR appear behind the clowns, stepping up ontoa table to watch. The noise of violence can be heard,screaming and thumping. The two lads watch the fight,grimacing and cringing at regular intervals as the brawlcontinues.

ARTHURHowd you know these clowns wereso... violent?

BOBBYI didnt.

ARTHURThe Magnificent Dave isnt somagnificent now.

BOBBYHes barely Dave now.

ARTHURWheres he putting that clownshoe?...

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 25.

BOBBYOhhhhhh!

(beat)You know what? Ive just had agreat business idea.

14 INT. FRONT ROW AUDIENCE SEATS - CLOWN WRESTLING - NIGHT

BOBBY and ARTHUR are sat, suited, at the front row ofseating. There is a large crowd behind them cheering. BOBBYis puffing on a cigar and ARTHUR is eating popcorn. Both arestaring intently infront of them

ARTHUROhhhhhh!

BOBBYWhatd I tell ya!

ARTHURI have to give it to you.

BOBBYFucking Clown Wrestling, Arthur!

ARTHURYou shouldnt have given me thatcheque, this was your idea.

BOBBYI wouldnt have met these crazybastards if you hadnt dragged meto that convention!

ARTHURI guess youre right. And I do likethis suit.

BOBBY smiles and they both watch the fighting in the ring.

BOBBYJust two sharp dressed fellas outon the town watching the clownwrestling.

A large thump on the mat can be heard followed by thecomical squeak of a horn, which is then followed by a screamof agony

ARTHUR(grimacing)

Ohhhhh!

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 26.

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