Using Forgiveness in the Counseling Process Virginia T. Holeman, PhD Professor Counseling Asbury Theological Seminary
Using Forgiveness in the Counseling Process Virginia T. Holeman, PhD Professor Counseling Asbury Theological Seminary
Research based approach
Evere% Worthington, Jr. REACH model of forgiveness
Transgression
Perception of Offense and Hurt
Hot Emotions – Anger & Fear
Rumination
Unforgiveness
Unforgiveness is…. • Unforgiveness is defined as delayed emo@ons involving resentment, biBerness, residual anger, residual fear, hatred, hos@lity, and stress, which mo@vate people to reduce the unforgiveness
Unforgiveness • 2 paths: hold a grudge or forgive
• magnitude gap • myth of pure evil • grudge benefits
• Unforgiveness as condi@oned fear -‐ “hurt” • freeze, ignite stress system, react • amygdala’s emo@onal hi-‐jacking of the brain over @me
• Unforgiveness as anger • “Unfair” • Fundamental aBribu@on error
Some ways we try to reduce unforgiveness • Revenge • Seeing jus@ce done • Forbearing • Accep@ng the transgression • Forgiving
Myths
• Forgiveness wipes out the fact of wrong having been done.
• Forgiveness means I forgo punishment altogether.
• True forgiveness means I will never have pain about this event again.
Myths
• Either I have or have not forgiven. • Repentance must precede forgiveness.
• Forgiveness always follow repentance.
Myths
• ReconciliaDon and relaDonship restoraDon are inevitable once repentance and forgiveness occur.
• Its easy to rebuild a fractured relaDonship.
• All offenses are the same.
Misconceptions • Forgiveness IS NOT
• Reconcilia@on. • ForgePng. • Excusing. • Smothering a conflict. • Denying the facts. • Minimizing the event.
• Pseudoforgiveness • Priva@za@on of forgiveness
REACHing for Forgiveness Worthington Model
Forgiveness is… • Replacing the hot emo@ons of anger or fear following a perceived hurt or offense
• Challenging the resenWul & biBer rumina@ons • With posi@ve emo@ons such as agape love, empathy, & compassion.
Forgiveness is… • Balancing jus@ce and mercy
• Jus@ce demands “what’s righWully mine.” • Mercy priori@zes the future rela@onship over my present “rights.”
• Gen. 37-‐50 • Keeping a pathway to my heart open. • Luke 15
REACHing For
Forgiveness
Recall the hurt
Empathize
Altruistic Gift Of Forgiveness
Commit Publicly to Forgive
Hold onto Forgiveness
Recall the hurt
Recalling the Hurt
• Not all hurts are alike • Avoid, deny, retaliate, revenge • Take every thought cap@ve! • Recall objec@vely and with empathy
Recall the hurt Empathize
Empathy
• Levels of empathy • Understand from other’s point of view • Iden@fy emo@onally with the other • Feel compassionate as well as emo@onal iden@fica@on
Empathy • To feel for another
• To see the other and yourself through a different pair of eyes
• Fundamental aBribu@on error • Recognize how you contribute to the rela@onship pain
• Develop compassion for the other through the power of the Spirit
Have this mind…..
• Hard emo@ons hide sod emo@ons • People are influenced by situa@ons • People are reac@ve when they feel threatened.
• Peoples past condi@on automatic reac@ons [knee jerk reac@ons].
Reframing • Wrongdoer is viewed in a broader context -‐ a more complete picture • Mo@va@on & Personality • History
• A way of separa@ng the wrong doer from the wrong • A human being, not the epitome of evil
• “Aha” or inten@onal cogni@ve shid by seeing yourself differently too
Empathy Exercises
• Write a leBer as if you were the person who hurt you. Explain the offender’s mo@ves, thoughts, & feelings.
• Write a leBer of apology as if you were the offender
• Pray for God’s heart for the person who hurt you.
Recall the hurt Empathize
Altruistic Gift Of Forgiveness
Why forgive? • Sick & @red of being sick & @red. • Commanded to forgive. • Grows out of love for Jesus and gra@tude for own forgivenness.
• MaBhew 18
An attitude of humility
• Recall your own salva@on story. • The cross of Christ. • The gid of Christ’s forgiveness.
Altruistic Gift of Forgiveness
• Guilt • Gra@tude • Gid
Assignments • Reflect upon your own forgiven-‐ness • Find something from nature that can symbolize that
• Find a stone that represents the weight that you carry because of unforgiveness or unrepentance
Recall the hurt Empathize
Altruistic Gift Of Forgiveness
Public Commitment to Forgive
Holding onto Forgiveness
Checking Doubts at the Door • If you see your offender again • If you are reminded about your offense • When you are under stress • When a related date roles around • When life events unfold that are affected
Holding onto Forgiveness
• Seek reassurance from a friend, spouse, prayer partner
• Use the reminders you have created to help you remember
• Review the steps and repeat as needed
Holding onto Forgiveness
• Realize that the pain of a remembered hurt is not unforgiveness.
• Don’t dwell on nega@ve emo@ons. • Remind yourself that you have forgiveness the person
What does it mean? • Rela@onship consequences may be in place
• Remember that reconcilia@on takes two while forgiveness takes only one.
• Holding onto hope for changed rela@onship
• Taking responsibility for your own thoughts, feelings, & ac@ons