Ewrt1b class 11 post hw

CLASS 10EWRT 1A

AGENDA0 Surface Revision: Essay #20 Change Teams 0 Discussion: SBB 0 In-class writing: Explore a moment when Jess

intentionally passes. How does this experience change who ze is? How do you know? Then pick one when ze unintentionally passes. Does this affect hir in the same way? How do you know?

0 Review: Kaizena

Change Teams!

Get into teams of three or four people. Remember, you have to change at least half of your team, and you can only be on a team with the same person twice during the quarter.

SURFACE REVISION

EDITING YOUR REVISED ESSAY

Common Writing Errors

Wordiness

Often writers use several words for ideas that can be expressed in one. This leads to unnecessarily complex sentences and genuine redundancy

as the following examples show:

Redundant Not Redundant0 The printer is located adjacent

to the computer0 The printer is located in the

immediate vicinity of the computer

0 The user can visibly see the image moving

0 He wore a shirt that was blue in color

0 The input is suitably processed

0 The printer is adjacent to the computer

0 The printer is near the computer

0 The user can see the image moving

0 He wore a blue shirt.0 The input is processed

Now you try it. Write this sentence in as few words as possible without changing the meaning!

0The available receptacle, in any case, was of insufficient size to contain the total quantity of unnecessary waste.

How to reduce wordiness!0 1. Reduce Long Clauses0 When editing, try to

reduce long clauses to shorter phrases:

0 Wordy: The clown who was in the center ring was riding a tricycle.

0 Revised: The clown in the center ring was riding a tricycle.

0 2. Reduce Phrases0 Likewise, try to reduce

phrases to single words:0 Wordy: The clown at the

end of the line tried to sweep up the spotlight.

0 Revised: The last clown tried to sweep up the spotlight.

Eliminating Wordiness Strategies

0 3. Avoid Empty Openers0 Avoid There is, There are, and

There were as sentence openers when There adds nothing to the meaning of a sentence:

0 Wordy: There is a prize in every box of Quacko cereal.

0 Revised: A prize is in every box of Quacko cereal.

0 Wordy: There are two security guards at the gate.

0 Revised: Two security guards stand at the gate.

0 4. Don’t Overwork Modifiers0 Do not overwork very, really,

totally, and other modifiers that add little or nothing to the meaning of a sentence.

0 Wordy: By the time she got home, Merdine was very tired.

0 Revised: By the time she got home, Merdine was exhausted

0 Wordy: She was also really hungry.

0 Revised: She was also hungry [or famished].

Eliminating Wordiness

0 5. Avoid Redundancies0 Replace redundant expressions (phrases that use

more words than necessary to make a point) with precise words. Remember: needless words are those that add nothing (or nothing significant) to the meaning of our writing. They bore the reader and distract from our ideas. So cut them out!

0 Wordy: At this point in time, we should edit our work.0 Revised: Now we should edit our work.

Try these!

1. He dropped out of school on account of the fact that it was necessary for him to help support his family.2. It is expected that the new schedule will be announced by the bus company within the next few days.3. There are many ways in which a student who is interested in meeting foreign students may come to know one.4. It is very unusual to find someone who has never told a deliberate lie on purpose.5. Trouble is caused when people disobey rules that have been established for the safety of all.

Possible Answers

1. He dropped out of school to support his family.2. The bus company will probably announce its

schedule during the next few days.3. Any student who wants to meet foreign students can

do so in many ways.4. Rarely will you find someone who has never told a

deliberate lie.5. Disobeying safety regulations causes trouble.

Edit for Wordiness

0Check your essay for wordiness. Look for a sentences that fall into one of the categories we just discussed. Edit for clarity and conciseness.

Punctuation

Compound Sentence

0 A compound sentence is made up of two or more simple sentences joined by one of the following:

0A comma and a coordinating conjunction0I like to study grammar, and I love this class.

0A semicolon0I like to study grammar; I love this class.

0A semicolon and an adverbial conjunction0I like to study grammar; therefore, I love this

class.

Coordinating ConjunctionsCoordinating Conjunctions are used to join together two independent clauses.

0For0And0Nor0But0Or0Yet0So

COMPOUND SENTENCE:adverbial conjunctions

MOREOVERHOWEVERNEVERTHELESSOTHERWISETHEREFORE

COMPOUND SENTENCE:CONJUNCTIVE ADVERBS

Thomas is cool; moreover, he is fashionable

.

Luke’s grandmother buys him sweaters; however, he does not wear them.

Clause 1 Clause 2

Independent Independent

Editing for Run-On SentencesLook for compound sentences in your essay. Make sure you are using both a comma and a conjunction.

Example: , and

Look to make sure that you have used a semi-colon (not a comma) to connect two complete sentences.

Example: sentence one; sentence two

Look for adverbial conjunctions; make sure you have punctuated those sentences correctly.

Example ; however,

Common Writing ErrorsDangling modifiers

Dangling ModifiersA dangling modifier is a word or phrase that modifies a word not clearly stated in the sentence. A modifier describes, clarifies, or gives more detail about a concept.

Having finished the assignment, Jill turned on the TV.

"Having finished" states an action but does not name the doer of that action. In English sentences, the doer must be the subject of the main clause that follows. In this sentence, it is Jill. She seems logically to be the one doing the action ("having finished"), and this sentence therefore does not have a dangling modifier.

The following sentence has an incorrect usage:

Having finished the assignment, the TV was turned on.

"Having finished" is a participle expressing action, but the doer is not the TV set (the subject of the main clause): TV sets don't finish assignments. Since the doer of the action expressed in the participle has not been clearly stated, the participial phrase is said to be a dangling modifier.

Strategies for revising dangling modifiers:

1. Name the appropriate or logical doer of the action as the subject of the main clause:

Having arrived late for practice, a written excuse was needed.

Who arrived late? This sentence says that the written excuse arrived late. To revise, decide who actually arrived late. The possible revision might look like this:

Having arrived late for practice, the team captain needed a written excuse.

2. Change the phrase that dangles into a complete introductory clause by naming the doer of the action in that clause:

Without knowing his name, it was difficult to introduce him.

Who didn't know his name? This sentence says that "it" didn't know his name. To revise, decide who was trying to introduce him. The revision might look something like this:

Because Maria did not know his name, it was difficult to introduce him.

The phrase is now a complete introductory clause; it does not modify any other part of the sentence, so is not considered "dangling."

3. Combine the phrase and main clause into one:

To improve his results, the experiment was done again.

Who wanted to improve results? This sentence says that the experiment was trying to improve its own results. To revise, combine the phrase and the main clause into one sentence. The revision might look something like this:

He improved his results by doing the experiment again.

1. After reading the original study, the article remains unconvincing.

2. Relieved of your responsibilities at your job, your home should be a place to relax.

3. The experiment was a failure, not having studied the lab manual carefully.

Are these correct?

Incorrect: After reading the original study, the article remains unconvincing.

Revised: After reading the original study, I find the article unconvincing.

Incorrect: Relieved of your responsibilities at your job, your home should be a place to relax.

Revised: Relieved of your responsibilities at your job, you should be able to relax at home.

Incorrect: The experiment was a failure, not having studied the lab manual carefully.

Revised: They failed the experiment, not having studied the lab manual carefully.

Editing for Dangling Modifiers

Check your introductory clauses to make sure that the doer is the subject of the main clause that follows it.

Misused Words

Check for Misused Words

0Than and then0There, their, and they're 0To, too, and two 0Weather and whether 0Whose and who's 0Your and you're

Writing Tips0Write about literature in present tense0Avoid using “thing,” “something,” “everything,” and

“anything.”0Avoid writing in second person. 0Cut Wordy Sentences0Fix run-on sentences0Eliminate Dangling Participles0Check for misused words

Surface Revision Strategies

Read Aloud Isolate Specific Problems

0 Reading the paper aloud slowly can often bring to attention large and small mistakes missed in the writing and typing process. Read each sentence and ask does it make sense? Is it awkward? Am I including words that are not actually written on the paper? Sometimes reading the paper out of order can help isolate problems. Try reading the paragraphs starting with the last sentence and then reading the previous sentence and so on; this can reveal problems in the sentences.

0 Isolating specific problems can help give objectivity to one's personal work. One way to isolate specific issues is to circle them on a paper draft and look at them one by one. For example: circle all commas and then go back and look at each comma asking if it is in the appropriate place with the correct usage. Another example would be to circle all verbs and then go back one by one and identify the tense and verify subject verb agreement.

Stone Butch Blues

By Leslie Feinberg

Stone Butch Blues

0Summarize the story thus far.

0List the kinds of passing taking place in this novel.

0How is it like racial passing?

0How is it different from racial passing?

Discussion

Identify and discuss a passage from Stone Butch

Blues that moved, upset, or touched you.

0The [scene] that stuck out the most was when Jess was hanging out at a bar and the cops come to harass her and her friends. She was commanded to get down on her knees. Jess said, “That night I learned the difference between what I can’t do and what I refuse to do” (5). The threat of sexual violation disgusts me to the extent that it makes me sick to my stomach. It was inhumane for the cops to treat anyone that way and was deserving of penectomy. [. . .] Jess is admirable for standing behind her beliefs, unfortunately the cops were not giving merits out that day for morality.

” I didn’t want to be different. I longed to be everything grownups wanted, so they would love me.

I followed all their rules, tried my best to please” (13)

0I found the intro to chapter 2 intriguing because it brought up the common psychological desire that every one has, which is “I want to be normal.” It made me think about how there still is a social norm.

“Everyone in my family knew about shame and fear”(14).

0 I found this statement so interesting due to what it meant to Jess. For her Jewish family, they knew the shame and fear of being not only a minority, but being related to somebody like Jess who was different. This created a gap in understanding between Jess and this family of hers. This created a hate within her family and within herself. This statement then also foreshadows the other family she would come to know in the future within the queer community. They knew shame and fear, except this brought them together. They recognized this shared shame and fear that is better fought, than opting to oppress those experiencing it as the solution. They stood together and fought the system rather than allowing beat them down with shame and fear until death. This created a means of melting the stone created within Jess’ family and herself.

” I’m sick of people asking me if she’s a boy or a girl,” I overhead my mother complain to my father. ”

Everywhere I take her, people ask me. (19)

0“Soon after my Roy Rogers outfit disappeared from the dirty clothes hamper. My father brought me an Annie Oakley outfit instead.” (19).

“I realized that the world could do more than just judge me, it wielded tremendous power over

“They said they were taking me to the hospital for a blood test. We rode up in an elevator ride to the floor where the test was

supposed to be done. Two huge men in white uniforms took me off the elevator. My parents stayed on. Then the men turned and locked the gate, barring the elevator. I reached for my parents, but they wouldn’t even look at me as the elevator door closed”

(21).

0 Her parents just gave her away to the ‘hospital’; I see this scene way too often in movies and television. But no matter how many times I see this, I would just be pissed to no end. [. . .] just because one is different from others doesn’t mean they should be sent into a crazy house

“Part of the nightmare was that it all seemed so matter of fact. I couldn’t make it stop, I couldn’t escape it, and so I pretended it wasn’t

happening. I looked at the sky, at how pale and placid it was. I imagined it was the ocean and the clouds were white-capped waves”(p40).

0 This part of the book stood out to me the most because its a shame that she was being raped by her fellow classmates. From all the pain that she was getting while being raped, having cleats stepping down on her ankles, and her being forced down on the floor, she tried to escape the pain. She looked up at the sky to remove the pain the boy was giving her. This saddens me this was happening just outside of school and when the coach approached her, he assumed wrong. He called her a “whore” and made her get up and leave. Despite that she was bleeding and he seen boys around her, he didn’t have the nerve to ask her what had occurred. I wish she too spoke up at that moment so she wouldn’t of been scared going to school the next day.

“I was alone on the field. The coach stood a distance away from me, staring. I wobbled as I tried to stand. There were grass stains on my

skirt and blood and slimy stuff running down my legs. “Get out of here, you little whore”, Coach Moriarty ordered” (Feinberg, 40)

0 This was the part in the book where it stood out to me the most having read over half the book so far. This part was pretty sickening to read for I never read something of this nature. Jess had to deal with the pain of having to be raped by boys at her school one after another after another. I can’t believe how she handles the whole thing. Crazy to think that she stared to the sky and try to escape the torment from these boys. I am surprised that the author never mentioned her crying out loud for help, but only to fight back. Not only the rape took place, but the boys’ coach seen what they did as they scurried away. To make matters worse, he called Jess a little whore and told her to go away. What kind of person would ever do that. Is it the way he was protecting his “boys” or was it the fact that she was viewed as a butch and not normal by most. Throughout the book Jess seems to have overcome it for she does not relate back to the incident, but she did try to get help by others, only to not receive any. Not saying anything really ticked me off in this book…so far.

” Whenever anyone was lost in the desert the only image shownwas a glaring sun—all the beauty of the desert reduced to that one impression. Staring at that jail light bulb rescued me from watching my own degradation: I just went away” (65, Feinberg).

0 When I read these lines, I had to stop reading for a brief moment. I only could sympathize for Jess. I admired her strength, her self defensive reflex to enter such a mind state. Her character, so full of love and endurance would not buckle down to such a inhumane act of pure evil. She let her spirit escape during this moment, transcending it all. Her decision to mentally float away is not an act of cowardliness, it was her lasting efforts of the incredible strength she accumulated throughout her years of childhood and young adulthood. She states that when one is lost in the desert, all that is left is the beauty of the sun that glares down at you. She was lost in the desert; lost in an act of horror. She carried the will to find solace in the simplicity in the light bulb. Instead of breaking down during that moment, she rose above it all. That takes courage, more courage than any of those filthy cops in that jail cell.

“Now I was tranquil. I didn’t feel much of anything at all. But even through this blessed serenity I grieved for the ring that would have protected me, or at least offered me its wisdom. The ring was gone.

There was nothing to hope for now. The ring was gone” (67).

0 As Leslie was growing up, she lived in two opposite worlds. Leslie illustrated the two worlds as, “One was cold, but it was mine; the other warm, but it wasn’t” (8). The “warm” world (her Indian Neighbors) provided a peaceful livelihood growing up and it was taken away from her at a young age. As Leslie was taken away from her peaceful world, Leslie was given a ring by the grandmother in order to protect her from her difficult path in life. Throughout the novel up until the police incident, the ring’s power seemed questionable. Leslie questioned whether the ring would provide her with the protection and wisdom. The line above really stood out to me is because Leslie faced a lot of incidents where she believed her ring would shield her from the bad things and it didn’t. At the moment where Leslie couldn’t find her ring, Leslie felt hopeless. Even if the ring is there, there’s no protection; if the ring is present, there’s no protection, why still believe?

“I’m sorry, Jess. If I could do it again, I’d bring and all of the butches to that next meeting and say to the guys, ‘Here we

all are, we’re the union!’” (Feinberg 109)

0 This part of the book stood out to me because I like it when people can admit they were wrong and learn from their own mistakes. In this quote I feel Duffy is letting Jess know what he had done in the past was wrong. I think it took a lot for someone like Duffy to come and admit what he did was wrong. This apology then lead to Duffy giving Jess the gift of Mother Jones’ autobiography. Every human has the ability to admit they are wrong but only few are willing to do so. The problem we run into with this book and real life is that people think of themselves too much instead of thinking about others first.

“My face flushed. I walked away from the counter without the beer. A powerful rage rose inside me. Why was I so angry? This

was what I wanted, wasn’t it? To be able to be myself and yet live without fear? It just didn’t seem fair. All my life I’d been told

everything about me was really twisted and sick”(178). 0 This quote really stood out to me because I was a bit

confused as to why he was angry. I understand that now he is seen as cute and that angers him. When he is seen as cis male, he is able to walk around without fear. The gender binary system oppresses those who don’t conform, and now he is seen as cis male. He feels more alone than he ever did. His friend, Grant, asks him if he is transsexual, he says no. My question is if he felt lonely lying to a woman about using a dildo, then why didn’t he date femmes? Or when he begins to date Annie, the issue is that he is lying to her about passing, so why not tell her? Why are people so mean?

“Loneliness had become an environment- the air I breathed, the special dimension in which I was trapped. I sat in a boat on a deathly calm sea,

waiting for a breeze to fill my sails.” (p. 240)

0 This quote stuck out to me because it captures the phenomenon of getting trapped, and almost comfortable in your own sadness. By describing the loneliness as an “environment”, the narrator paints a picture of the loneliness as all surrounding, and all encompassing. Then immediately after it is described as “the air [she] breathed”. This is especially interesting because the word “loneliness” is usually accompanied with a negative connotation but here it is compared to air, which we need to survive. This contradicts with the following description of loneliness as “the special dimension in which [she] was trapped”. The loneliness is both keeping the narrator alive, and trapping her inside a “special dimension”. I thought this as interesting because I think it is common to think of one’s own loneliness as a unique condition, even though it is a very common feeling. In addition I think if we are trapped in loneliness long enough we get comfortable with the feeling, living off the sadness. Which is supported by the comparison of the feeling with air. In addition the following sentence the narrator describes herself as “[sitting] in a boat on a dealthy calm sea, waiting for a breeze to fill [her] sails”. The fact that she is both “sitting”, and “waiting” illustrates an inactivity and lack of motivation. It is clear the narrator is waiting for someone or something else to step in and catalyze a change in her situation. I think this is a perfect metaphor for the cycle one can get trapped in when they grow comfortable being sad and wait for something or someone else to make a change for them.

“Whatever the world thought was wrong with me, I finally began to agree they were right” (23).

0 How does the pressure from the social construct (family, community, society, rules, traditions) work to our (individual, familial, community, cultural) advantage and how is it destructive?

In-class Writing

0 Choose a moment when Jess intentionally passes. How does this experience change who ze is? How do you know?

0 Choose one when ze unintentionally passes. Does this affect hir in the same way? How do you know?

HOMEWORK0 Edit Essay #2: Submit your essay through Kaizena

before Friday, week 6, at noon. 0 Read: Stone Butch Blues (196-End)

Post #13: Finish in-class writing on Jess’s passing. Use textual evidence to support your assertions.

0 Post #14: Explore an experience Jess has with a medical professional. Does her gender identity influence the treatment she receives or doesn’t receive? Include a quotation with a citation.

0 Study: Terms