ENQUIRER!csh10/christmas/Christmas2010.pdf · hiatus last year: alien abduction! During the time they should have been writing their letter they were taken on board a ship and subjected

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ENQUIRER!The HOLLENBEAK

ALL THE BEST GOSSIP ABOUT YOUR FAVORITE HOLLENBEAK CELEBRITIES...Hollenbeak Family Abducted by Aliens!!

Our sleuthing reporters have uncovered the terrible

truth of why the Hollenbeak Christmas letter went on

hiatus last year: alien abduction! During the time they

should have been writing their letter they were taken on

board a ship and subjected to all manner of

experimentation and probing. We are back now with two

year’s worth of juicy gossip, although we are still left with a

period of at least one week which we cannot account for.

The rest of the year that

we can remember was

wonderful. As a family we

took a memorable trip to

visit friends and family in

Oklahoma. The stories

about where I grew up

have become legendary

(the burning of the town

Chrismas tree, getting

shot, swinging across

creeks on vines, etc.) to the

kids and they were very

excited to experience the

place as well as visit

Meemaw and Grandpa

Wayne. It was one of the

best vacations we’ve

taken. We also started new

activities this year. Totton joined a martial arts class

(Taekwondo and Hapkido), and eventually the rest of us

followed him. We now have three green belts and three

yellow belts in the family.

Our theme this year is inspired by our favorite tabloid

headlines (“Firefighter fired for fighting fire with fire!” and

“Researcher finds more than 100 businesses that are like

show business!”) We hope you enjoy hearing about our

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year through these sensational

headlines!

Young Girl’s Bones Made Entirely of

Chalk!Madeline had a big year, debuting

on the runway as well as debuting an

original piano and vocal solo in a

theatrical performance. She is still

true to her love for children and

teaching. She continues to babysit

and has also found work as a swim

coach for young children on both a

summer and winter team.

Madeline’s big excitement this

year, though, was turning 16, old

enough to drive and date. To apply for

a date, interested young men may

submit their application form and

nonrefundable application fee to our

current address. Or, you can apply

online at:

www.yourenotgoodenoughformydaughter.

com.

A few weeks before her birthday

Madeline was executing a

straightforward jump kick in our

martial arts class. She landed a little

funny on her left leg and hurt her knee.

We thought it was just a sprain, but

her astute primary care doc asked for

an MRI

and diagnosed a torn ACL. She is

scheduled for surgery on December

15th, which will put off driving and

dating for at least another six months.

As a father, is it wrong for me to be

excited about this?

Boy Genius Linked to Muppet

Scientist Beaker!Asher turned 14 this year. It

seems he has grown up overnight.

One day he’s a little boy, and now he

has a deep voice, large muscles

(which he is happy to show you!) and

must make occasional use of a razor.

Coincidence? You decide…

He continues to develop his

talents. He recently picked up the

guitar and has taught himself to play a

bit. He also started

playing basketball on a

community league, which

is exciting for me since we

now have a sport in

common. He picked up

his first after-school and

weekend job, working part

time at a local cookie

shop - Missy’s Ugly

Cookies. I’ve been

looking forward to the

day I can charge him

rent. One other fun thing Asher did was to attract

the attention of an academic talent search group, who gave him the opportunity to take the ACT college entrance exam as a seventh grader. He took the exam and scored high enough for distinguished honors and to qualify for a scholarship at a local university. So this spring Asher will be taking a college French class for credit.

Dog Whisperer Makes Human

Sacrifice!Asa is now ten years old and in the

fourth grade. He loves to amaze and

disgust us with his remarkable feats of

double-jointedness. His sense of

humor is, as it has always been, more

advanced for his years. This year for

Halloween while his brother and all his

friends wanted to be ninjas, Asa

wanted to be a banana. And as you

can see from the photo, he actually

found a banana costume. Moreover,

he didn’t want to carry a sack for his

treats. Rather, he wanted to stuff the

candy down into the yellow protrusion

in the front of his costume, the piece

he called the “banana hammock”.

“Sometimes we make

sacrifices for a laugh.”

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Asa was given the opportunity this

year to start playing an instrument

(besides the piano, of course) and he

chose the French horn. We love

hearing him practice, and he really

enjoys playing. I asked him one day

whether, now that he is taking the

French horn, would he want to learn to

speak French? He said no, he wanted

to speak German. So I asked, “Why

German?” And he said, “Because

when I grow up I want a German

Shepherd, and Madeline told me they

obey much better when you command

them in their native language.” This

line became an instant family classic.

At Asa’s parent-teacher

conference there was a note, hand-

written on a post it, with a very odd

quote, inside his folder. Kelly asked

what it meant and his teacher told us

the story. The class was given an

assignment to write a letter to Santa.

Asa turned in a very brief letter: “Dear

Santa, For Christmas I would like a

personal chef. Or some reindeer

poop. Love, Asa.” His teacher told

him that he would need to write

something else, because these were

going to be hung up on the wall

outside the classroom for everyone to

see. Asa’s response was written on

the post-it. It says, “That’s okay. It’s

like my dad always says: in our family

sometimes we make sacrifices for a

laugh.” We have the post-it on our

refrigerator. Sacrifices, indeed!

Shrew Tamed!In the past, Totton has served as

the comic relief of our Christmas letter

(think “Fecalangelo”!). Something

happened, however, when he started

school. He became—dare I say it?—

PRAGUE!

“I don’t really love him all that much!”

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manageable! I was bracing myself for

his first parent-teacher conference.

And when his teacher looked at us and

said, “Totton is a gem, and I wish all

my students were just like him,” I was

certain I was in the wrong room. But

that is what he has become.

Totton had been coming home

from school talking about how much

fun he had playing soccer on the

playground. So we signed him up for

a soccer team this fall. He also took

up a second sport this year:

Taekwondo. Looking for a unique

activity for Totton, Kelly signed him up.

He took to it right away and has really

loved it. It looked like so much fun

that Asa got signed up. And then

Kelly signed herself up. At that point it

was cheaper to do a family package,

so now all six of us are taking. But it

all started with Totton.

Totton and Asa are best buddies,

connected at the hip when they are

not at school. A short while ago they

were having a Beyblade competition—

dueling tops. An argument broke out

about whose top was the last still

spinning. It got heated enough that

Kelly intervened, and asked, “Are you

going to let this little thing get in the

way of your love as brothers?” Totton

whined, “Well, I really don’t love him all

that much!” Clearly it was said in the

heat of the argument. They are best

buds.

Motherhood Harder Than Taking Out the Trash!

Kelly and I are both doing well.

I continue to pursue my research

agenda at Penn State. I also try to

play squash, lift weights, and run,

when I am probably getting too old

for these things. At least that is

what I suspect my injuries are trying

to tell me.

Kelly works part time in my

department and takes classes. She

continues her frenzied schedule that

includes early mornings in the gym,

late mornings in the dojo, afternoons

in class, and evenings taxiing children

to basketball, martial arts, swimming,

youth activities, book clubs, and

volunteer fundraising, and generally

putting most superheroes to shame.

Her biggest job is still being mom.

A few weeks ago, Asa caught Kelly off

guard by asking, “Mom, is being a

mom hard?” She thought for a

second and said, “Yes, it’s the hardest

thing I’ve ever done. But it is the most

rewarding thing I’ve ever done.” Asa

thought about this or a second and

then said, “So, is it harder than taking

out the trash?

A highlight of this year for Kelly

and I was an unexpected trip to

Europe. I got invited to give a

presentation at a conference in

Prague. Some sweet friends agreed

to keep our kids, so Kelly came along

and we made a trip of it. Prague may

be our favorite European city. It was

small and manageable, with great

history, great food, great sites, and

wonderful people. Our niece, Kristin,

was studying abroad in Italy, and she

came up with two friends and toured

with us for a couple days, which made

the trip even more memorable.

As I was writing this letter Totton

sidled up to me and put his head on

my shoulder. He had just finished

making some Christmas crafts. With a

faraway look in his eyes he said, “Dad,

the spirit of Christmas has really

touched me this year.” I said, “Oh,

really? What did it say?” And he said,

“That Christmas is all about family and

love and joy.” Then, giggling, he said,

“I think Asa was touched by the spirit

of gameboy.”

We hope you are also touched by

the Spirit of Christmas this year, and

blessed with peace and joy.

With Love, Chris, Kelly, Madeline,

Asher, Asa and Totton

[email protected]

[email protected]