E l e v e n t h N i g h t S p e c i a l E d i t i o n T h e S t r a n g e C a s e O f T h e M a n W h o S a t O n T h e C o n c r e t e C o p i n g S t o n e s S u r r o u n d i n g T h e G r e e n W i t h H i s F e e t O n t h e A f o r e s a i d G r e e n A n d C a u s e d I t T o W i t h e r A n o t h e r l o n g o n e …s o I h a v e d i v i d e d i t i n t o f i v e c h a p t e r s f o r t h o s e w i t h m o b i l e p h o n e s o r s h o r t t e r m a t t e n t i o n s p a n C h a p t e r O n e D o n o t b e g e t t i n g y o u r h o p e s u p T h i s i s n o t t h e r e t u r n o f t h e B l o g I t i s a o n e o f f s p e c i a l r e q u e s t e d b y a f e w m e m b e r s … a n d o u t s i d e f o l l o w e r s … w h o e i t h e r n e e d e d a f i x … o r w a n t e d s o m e o f t h e i r m a t e s d o n e N o w w h a t a b o u t o n e o f t h e s e f o r t h e b o w l i n g f r a t e r n i t y B o w l b r i t I t c o u l d m e a s u r e t h e n u m b e r o f f o r e h a n d s a n d b a c k h a n d s n u m b e r o f s i l l y r u n s u p t h e g r e e n a f t e r t h e b o w l w h e n i t i s g o i n g n o w h e r e n e a r t h e k i t t y n u m b e r o f h a n d s h a k e s b e f o r e i n t h e m i d d l e o f a n d a f t e r t h e g a m e n u m b e r o f r e c r e a t i o n a l b e v e r a g e s c o n s u m e d a f t e r a g a m e I t a l s o c o u l d b e s e t n o t t o s h o w a n y a f o r e s a i d r e c r e a t i o n a l b e v e r a g e s c o n s u m e d b e f o r e a g a m e C o u l d b e o n t o a w i n n e r h e r e J u s t a s w e l l a r e c e n t m a t c h a g a i n s t o u r v e r y g o o d f r i e n d s P i c k i e w a s c a l l e d o f f c o s i t w o u l d h a v e b e e n r e a l l y e m b a r r a s s i n g i f P a u l S l o a n h a d t o t a k e t o t h e p i t c h w i t h o u t h a l f h i s g e a r A n d B T W i l a d d i e I a m s u r e s t r o l l i n g u p t o t h e C h i n e s e R e s t a u r a n t a t F i n a g h y h a n d i n h a n d w i t h y o u r b r i d e w a s n o t h e r i d e a o f a r o m a n t i c e v e n i n g o u t B e t y o u w e n t f o r t h e E a r l y B i r d t o o a n d B T W i i s h e w e l l k n o w s t h a t t h e p r a w n c r a c k e r s a r e p a r t o f t h e m e a l a n d t h a t y o u d i d n ’ t o r d e r t h e m s p e c i a l A n d I b e l i e v e y o u l e t h e r p a y f o r i t a s i t w a s F a t h e r s ’ D a y C h e a p s k a t e A n d o n m i s s i n g g e a r W e c a n a l l l e a v e s o m e t h i n g b e h i n d a t s o m e s t a g e b u t K e v i n B r e n n a n i s t h e d a d d y o f t h e m a l l H e a r r i v e d a t a r e c e n t g a m e w i t h n o g e a r w h a t s o e v e r A N N N D C a t h a l G r e y … w h e n y o u a r e t o l d t o d r e s s i n w h i t e s f o r y o u r f i r s t B g a m e s o m e o n e s h o u l d h a v e t o l d y o u t h a t y o u n e e d t o p a c k g r e y s f o r t h e n o s e b a g g i n g s a f t e r w a r d s Y o u l o o k e d l i k e t h e f r e a k i n i c e c r e a m w a i t e r S t i l l …y o u d i d w e a r b l a c k s o c k s W h a t s t y l e
Welcome message from author
This document is posted to help you gain knowledge. Please leave a comment to let me know what you think about it! Share it to your friends and learn new things together.
Transcript
Eleventh Night Special Ed it ion
T he S trange C as e Of T he Man Who S at On T he C onc rete C oping S tones S urrounding T heG reen With His F eet On the Afores a id G reen And C aus ed It T o Wither!
Another long one….so I have divided it into five chapters for those with mobile phones or short termat tention span! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
Chapter One
Do not be get ting your hopes up. This is not the return of the Blog. It is a one off special reques ted by afewmembers….and outside followers…. who either needed a fix…or wanted some of their mates done!
Now what about one of these for the bowling fraternity! B owlbrit ! It could measure the number offorehands and backhands, number of silly runs up the green after the bowl when it is going nowherenear the kit ty, number of handshakes before, in the middle of and after the game, number ofrecreational beverages consumed after a game!! ! It also could be set not to show any aforesaidrecreational beverages consumed before a game! Could be on to a winner here!
Jus t as well a recent match agains t our very good friends Pickie was called off cos i t would have beenreally embarrassing if Paul Sloan had to take to the pitch without half his gear! And BTW (i) laddie, I amsure s t rolling up to the Chinese Res taurant at Finaghy hand in hand with your bride was not her idea of aromantic evening out ! Bet you went for the Early Bird too and BTW (ii) she well knows that the prawncrackers are part of the meal and that you didn’t order them special ! And I believe you let her pay for i tas i t was Fathers’Day! Cheapskate!
And on missing gear. We can all leave something behind at some s tage but Kevin Brennan is the daddy ofthem all. He arrived at a recent game with no gear whatsoever! ANNND Cathal Grey….when you are toldto dress in whites for your fi rs t B game, someone should have told you that you need to pack greys forthe nosebaggings afterwards ! You looked like the freakin ice cream waiter! Still….you did wear blacksocks ! What s tyle!
A propos of nothing…..well hardly anything….well not much really…. Being a Vets selector, I wonderhow other selection panels choose their teams? Reason I ask is, a“f riend”of mine was recently droppedafter what in his opinion ( with eight touchers to prove it ), was “an excellent game”–not his quotebut that of the opposing skip who congratulated him at the end! Now far be it from him to complain, buthe sugges ts that i f Ronaldo scored three goals in a game, would he be sidelined for“the good of theteam”- not his words but those of the selection panel who merely responded in writing when thisfriend asked for a meeting to discuss his exclusion! Lis ten Laddie……being a selector is not a s inecure –Google it i f you don’t unders tand it ! ! If one plays badly, then one should remove oneself………. for thegood of the team–my words, and not remain on the side playing consistently mediocre bowls !
And jus t for the record….all three Vets selectors have deselected themselves on more than one occasionto assess our teammates !
And talking Vets…thanks to the Saturday bowlers who turn up for Monday games, not to support andwatch, but to have a chat with their cronies while their age contempories slug it out on the pitch. Muchappreciated guys.!
Have you ever noticed that around the perimeter of the pitch that the grass is a tad scorched/dried out/worn? This according to a very self important luminary in the Club is caused by people si t t ing on thecoping s tone surrounds with their feet on the sward hence causing erosion by contact (i t also causes thesprinklers to malfunction as well apparently even tho’they are under the pebbles !) I mentioned this to aslightly less important but no less bumptious luminary who poo pooed the theory, s tating that greens dryfrom the outside in, hence the peripheral nature of the erosion/aridi ty. It may surprise you–and indeedthem - to know that the real reason is that the concrete surround and pebbles take in the water bycapillary action. This very explanation was backed up by the head grass cut ter, a minor luminary in hisown right…or is i t his own mind! I can vouch for this as my second domicile in the southern half of theisland of Ireland shows evidence of this in the back garden as picture two below shows while picture oneshows the firs t theory cannot be t rue as one would need the arse and legs of Finn McCool to s t raddle thecorner section of the pitch and cause damage!
And BTW (iii)…..one of the above self important luminaries thinks that the pitch is overused cit ing thefact that other pitches only open in the afternoon and not the morning!! ! Then perhaps you mightconsider not playing on it yourself in the ante meridian!
And BTW (iv)….. more than one luminary was spot ted wearing brown shoes with moulded soles andheels and full bib and tucker after recent games !
And BTW (v)……I believe a certain girlie hates me calling the sward the“pitch”and the rinks“lanes”.
And BTW (vi)……. I HAT E people with unsubs tantiated opinions and huge egos who cannot see thelighter side of things !
Chapter Two
Ever see Jeremy Corbyn and Phil Molloy….in the same room together?
Jeremy Phil
Now the event of the year so far was the arrival of the Norsemen for a friendly! It was a good night butnewspaper reports of a pos t match“feas t”were grossly exaggerated as the provender was normalWednesday evening nosebag…………I believe, as I do not play Midweek anymore! I also give thefollowing advice for similar games.When playing teams whose firs t tongue is not the English Queen’sEnglish–and that includes some of those in our own wee leagues–t ry not to use idiomatic language. Acertain Gus tav Gus tafsson was mos t nonplussed and indeed excited by the direction to“T ake moreg ras s !”However on accepting the invitation to come inside afterwards “fo r s ome c ra ic !”and findingnone, he was less than pleased. And to those who have to make speeches….the plural of“you”is“you”not “yous e”. And BTW (vii)….. Gus taffsson was not his real name. I jus t made it up. I hardly know thenames of those I play with in the Club for Chrissake!
A few reminders….. Leads throw the Jack then shut the feck up. Seconds mark the board and shut thesimilar feck up. Thirds do the count and measure if required and may give the Skip advice which he willignore. Skips should encourage all others and not make disparaging remarks even before his playershave s tepped on to the pitch! And for friendly games, those who have been skips many moons agoshould shut the similar feck up if they are playing front end. Get my dri f t Johnnie,William and Georgiebabies !
Next t ime you see Jackie Collins, ask him to show you his vertical limbo dancing t rick! But don’t let himshake you a cocktail. At a recent fi f ty pound draw, he shook the collected money in the pint glass sovigorously that i t scat tered all over everybody!
C lub advertises for an Ass is tant G rasscutter!
Which G irlie Is T his ?
T he O ther L ife O f L iam T ra inor
The recent spell of hot weather saw several people take to the pitch in shorts.Wary of the fact thataforesaid shorts had to be below the knee, many opted for those lit t le numbers that come down almos tto the ankle. They looked as if they were part of a Bay City Rollers convention for Chrissake! And playingin a recent Vets roll up, i t was like being a cas t member of T he P lague O f T he Z ombies the amount ofsuncream Pat McClean, Jackie Collins, Eddie Doherty and John McIlwrath plas tered on themselves.Whiter than a polar bear’s southern bits ! And hats ! Jeez….the variety. The P ra t with the Ha t Awa rd thisyear goes to the aforementioned John McIlwrath…looked like a freakin s tandard lamp!
Pet hate of mine….throwing ciggie but ts into the ditch! Yes important lady bowler….you too! Desistplease! And which lady bowlis t, perhaps the same one, nearly missed an important appointment afterher early afternoon shower was interrupted by her hubby! The mind boggles !!
And who recycles water in his love nes t in Donegal? And with more than a lit t le connection……
Take the hassle of hiring and driving your own white van! Hire van AND driver at very competi t ive ratesfrom £40per hour. Dis tance and load no problem! Contact Hones t Stevie Smyth at Falls Bowling Club.Tes timonials are available….. eg from the Falls Ladies A Team…
”We have recently hired S tevie to trans port us to a ll our away games . Now you would think tha tpacking s ix teen ma ture ladies plus J im McGettrick in the back of a small white van would be alog is tica l nightma re. Not a bit! He s hoehorns us in with g rea t dex teri ty and minimal touching –becaus e we don’t like touching - and with s ome lying a long the s ides and on top a fte r the res ta re in, it can be quite comfortable….. fo r s ome of us . Only a tenner a head, cheap a t the price.And for an ex tra fiver a head, his bus ines s manager Mr. Maire trans ports our gea r there ands ometimes back –if s he has n’t been on the Voddie C oke.”
Good old S tevie….putting s omething back in to the community !
And there is probably no t ruth in the rumour that Paddy Montgomery hired it las t week jus t because heheard it had a mat t ress in the back!
Who was sent out to play bowls of a recent Thursday morning while the groomer from Diggy Dogscame to the house to….ahem….groom the pooch?
Which Peter P an has recently been s pending ra ther a lo t o f time in one of thes e?
Thanks to Caolann Parker for the quote of the season so far…. From an Open Singles game which hemarked!
Martin Parker: Who is lyin’closer to the Jack?
Caolann Parker: Y ou are Daddy!
Chapter Three
Now I know ladies that there is a directive that you are not allowed to give low,medium and especiallyhigh fives during a game, clap or encourage wicks and generally press the flesh. Appreciation is to beshown by pat ting one’s pos terior! Can we please add to this crazy directive….. clapping shots, onpos terior or otherwise, that land three yards away from the Jack. It is jus t silly!
Members of the anti c lapping and shak ing hands police watch from a dis tance during a recent B teamgame to see if there was any unauthorized c lapping or press ing of the flesh. I can tell them tha t L indaBrown, J acqui C onnolly, the wee woman with the g inger ha ir and somebody else openly shook hands a tthe end of the game while in the other lane, Mrs G era ldine S loan ac tively sought out her oppos ite number
for a hug. B la tant dis regard for the rules !
George Kea tings S hows His Apprec ia tion O f His B ride’s C ooking !
Competition for drink of cho ice: Which pair were beaten 21-1 in a morning roll up? Friends andrelatives of Alan Brown, Paul Anthony, Jackie Collins and Eddie Doherty are not allowed to enter!
Which ladies planned to get a bus from the Club to the Kennedy Cent re for the afternoon matinee to seeS how Dogs ? It is two s tops away for Chrissake! I am told they eventually drove! And I wonder why theybrought their“coke”back with them to the Club? Brilliant, ladies !
And further on Ladies…..remember dearies not to ask a certain umpire for a measure when he isoccupied with other things ! And s till on Ladies….which pair played a singles game with three bowls eachand which two pairs took FOUR HOURS plus to finish a game….s topping after sixteen ends !
And with hardly any connection whatsoever….
Overheard (i)….”She’s slower than John Cassidy!”
Overheard (ii)”S he c ries a t the drop of a ha t! It’s a ttention s eeking you know.”
Overheard (iii)…..Male Bowlist A“Who’s the Club Captain this year?”
Male Bowlist B“Gary McWilliams”
Male Bowlist A“Who?”
Who…….was too arrogant to play for the Vets Second teamwhen selected ins tead preferring to“figh this way”into the Firs t team?
Who at a recent match agains t Magheradroll - got into a long and heated discussion as to which sauce toput on corn beef sarnies? Chuck Curley…that’s who? You need to get out more son!
Who simply re fus es to buy soda bread in supermarkets? If you are that prissy dearie, why do you dolunch in Applegreen and IKEA? Quali ty!
And talking quali ty….who is of the opinion that M and S is only good for buying grey t rousers? Thenwhere do you buy your red ones laddie? If M and S is good enough for Alan De Brun’s wife then it shouldbe good enough for you!
Now you all know that Jim Copeland is a gentleman, rarely given to expletives and rage. Well he almos tpopped his pressure cooker lid when someone….actually i t was Jimmy the Caber….asked him how muchthe Lot tery prize was in his club Dunbarton! !! !
And with more than a lit t le connection….. you know that I dislike get ting beaten (or dropped at random)but when someone else–I am told - is beaten in a singles match, one should not throw a s t rop andrefuse to shake hands or speak to people, especially as one is not as good as one thinks one is !
Which canny male shopper was spot ted with his head buried in the“R educed”section of Sainsburysferreting out the bargains. Not sure you can freeze yoghurt laddie!
Chapter Four
And your multi choice ques tion. Was the Grasscut ter taking the Club s t rimmer home in the back of hiscar
(a) Going to repair i t on his workbench in the garage even tho’he has a workshop in the Club(b) Going to s t rim his own lawn(c) Going to do some homers.
Answers on a pos t card to the Directors please!
Nice to see all the Male sections have the luxury of match set tings the day before a game………………ohwait !
And to the certain bowlis ts who foot tes t the pitch before the game….Stop it ! It’s jus t silly, pretentiousand of no use whatsoever!
Congrats to Mickey the Mous e Morgan for being elevated to acting secretary of the Irish UmpiresAssociation or something like that.What a great chat up line Mickey son when out on the pull…”Y es Iam ac ting s ec re ta ry of the Iris h L awn Bowls Umpires As s oc ia tion!”That’ll do the job every timeson! Pair that with your infectious sense of humour and you will be quids in. In his tenure, Mickey Boyintends to int roduce the VAR ( that’s Video Assist Referee for the ladies and Michael Gannon ) sys temfrom theWorld Cup to our wee game. Apart from the obvious benefi ts of detecting foul play, i t could beused by the selectors, enabling them to actually wa tch the players they pick…..or in the case of myfriend…..don’t !
And with hardly any connection whatsoever….. at a pinch the Directors, the Green’s Committee, theHead Grasscut ter decide what lanes the Vets will use for matches ! It is not up to ANY ONE else, eventhough he may be the mos t important person in his own mind, to tell the Vets’selectors what to do! It isout of order, annoying and simply an irritation!
S eems like a nice boy !
S o does he!
And……Jimmy, leave the blessing of the green for good luck withHoly Water from Clonard Novena, toour resident chaplain Brendan Grif fen or his assistant Fr. Eugene McCarthy. For outsiders Brendan is nota real cleric….but thinks he is ! Now I know Fr Eugene was at a Beach Boys concert on the same night sohe probably could not have done it anyway. And BTWas we are multi fai th Club, perhaps you could havegot ten a Hindu sacred cow to do its business on the edges of the green as well. At leas t i t might havehelped the grass grow (see above)! Rumour has i t that when the Head Grasscut ter heard about i t hewent into a tizzy saying that any watering of his sward should be done by him and no one else! And acertain ex President thinks he should now be called B les s ed J immy the C rutch! Nah! I s t ill prefer myown…. J immy the C aber!
Chapter Five
Which lady bowlis t is known as the“Claw”by some of the rougher sorts from theMale section?
And….Mrs Magoo….i f you do not want to be mentioned in the blog, s top telling your closes t about t ryingto use your Club Card on the bus ! And I am told you are the new owner of the female section! Congrats !
As I viewed a singles match between Jim Feeney and someone else from the bleachers on a recentSunday, the sun made it di f ficult for me to work out who the opponent was. I asked my current squeezeif i t was Liam Trainor.“No!”sez she,“It’s too fa t fo r him!”Who do you think it was !
You will have heard of the pretentious prac tice of authors giving themselves a double barreled nameusing only initials….J K Rowling, G K Ches terton, E L James. Mrs George Keatings now wishes to be knownsimply as “DK”! OK pet….i f i t works for you!
And good on ya DK for reminding a certain someone that Y OU are the only lady captain in the Club!
Who shamelessly exposed himself in the female dressing room at a recent match at our very goodfriends Pickie! Don’t worry laddie. Your secret is safe with me…………..unless of course someone asks me!
Personally I am not amused that Arlene Fos ter at tends a Gaelic Football game in that foreign count rywhich abuts our wee nationet te, but has yet to at tend a Bowls game in our own Occupied Six Counties !Come on Arlene…leave your prejudices behind and make the effort. You’ll be bowled over by thereception you will get ! ! !
J us t in cas e you mis s ed it…..
Record of the week….”It’s a (J on) G iven T hing”…. By ELO! Oh…please yourselves !
No waiter……take it away I have had s uffic ient!
B ring it on waiter….we a re smas hed!
F oolin no one Mrs G . It was in the other hand! Nice manicure though. Gels , eh? R emember tog ive them brea thing s pace every s o often!
T he C onnollys force s ome s trange kid to hand over his birthday money!
E amonn Holmes or is it S tephen Nolan……and s omebody els e, S cottis h…I think he was !
And in advance of the Mixed Triples….
G irlies in troduce new method of telling one another how clos e a bowl is to the kitty ! L is tenbabes…ins tead of the finger puppet movements which nobody can unders tand… jus t s imply
s hout ( I know it is vulga r ) We can work it out from this !
Now…I think that’s everyone offended….
Until I can be persuaded or paid to do another one……….
Remember………………
It’s only bowls !
Related Documents
![[Sketchup] Creating Vray Water Material in Sketchup _ Artvisualizer Blog.pdf](https://static.cupdf.com/doc/110x72/577c78081a28abe0548e6fab/sketchup-creating-vray-water-material-in-sketchup-artvisualizer-blogpdf.jpg)
