Effective use of image and detail to show age and the passage of time Sunday school began to seem like a treacherous idea when I transitioned from velour.

Effective use of image and detail to show age and the passage of time

Sunday school began to seem like a treacherous idea when I transitioned from

velour headbands and little dresses to slightly bigger velour tracksuits.

Effective use of adjectives and detail

…not because they liked them, but because their flat-iron blonde cousin from Evanston who drank only sugar free Red Bull told them to.

Narrative elements: setting

The bus sways as we hurdle down Lake Shore Drive, the sunlight a million shades of yellow and orange as it wakes the world up. We turn, we slow, we stop, we repeat. We pass closed shops, shops that sell crunchy, cheesy tacos and clothes to those hipsters that seem to annoy so many people and cute little souvenirs for the tourists that frequents the area on weekends during waking hours.

Narrative elements: suspense & climax

• We hurried across the yard, trepidation building in my chest with each waterlogged step I took, until finally I was in front of the trench.

Epiphany

I touched my head, and I understood . All that racial equality, “Everyone is the same, it doesn’t matter the color of their skin but the character that lies within” bullshit went down the drain. Because it apparently did matter if I was a black girl with curly hair in a Libby-frikking-Lu. Because the crinkly old raisin of a woman knew she couldn’t get her tiny little white girl comb through my black hair.

showing not telling: emotion

I felt the stinging high note. It screeched like a black cat at midnight and heightened my fears

and rage as if the midnight fog had crept up my body.

Vs.

I was angry.

Sophisticated prose

• When I indulged in Gavrio’s creation, the inexplicably fulfilling thickness of the meal blew my tastebuds halfway down my throat and back.

• Into my mind, shimmering pails of paint were poured, dispelling the Dark Ages and instilling its own Renaissance, Enlightening my life with the breathtaking world of European history.

Sophisticated prose

• The pier is cold and dry beneath my bare feet, sun masked by grumbling gray clouds.

• He began slowly, the first word spat out like a filthy insect accidentally inhaled.

Not so effective

• It was so amazing I can’t even describe it.• I was so overwhelmed• I began to cry• It was the best day of my life.

Excitement

overwhelming

Excitement

nice

overwhelming

Began to

Started to

Forms of “to be”am, are, is, was, be become, became