Ecstasy

Because my mouthIs wide with laughter,

You do not hearMy inner cry?

Because my feetAre gay with

dancing,You do not know

I die?

from "The Minstrel Man" by Langston

Hughes

a story about the downward spiral of depression, addiction and dread

created by:hermina dubekerry tinga &rinako wasaki

james is a high school student.

like most kids his age, he feels that nobody understands him.

he spends all his time in his room. behind his books, he hides from the sunlight, from the people and everything else in the world.

escaping from life, he still feels depressed. nobody even notices his absence...

not his parents, who are on the brink of a divorce. they're too busy fighting over trivial matters.

not his classmates. too occupied with their friends to notice a loner kid who longs to be part of their groups and cliques.

i wonder… if i wiped myself from the face of the

earth… would anybody shed a tear? maybe my dad… having to pay for a hole to dump my

rotting body in...

time passed... and james' emotions were bottled up.

he never cried...

or whined...

or said anything to anybody but himself

eventually, his father relinquished custody over him in the divorce, wanting to focus on his new family. he and his mother moved to new york for her job, and there everything changed...

the new big city school he moved into was different from the municipal school he came from. once he stepped in, he felt a sense of belonging. every corner was filled with a weirdo and loner who hated the world as much as he did...

hey, i'm jimmy!

Let me guess, you're new? Come on, i'll show

you around.

james...

so they went around school, jimmy showing James "how everything worked". they passed "the cliques every school has" and "the people you shouldn't get involved with".

a couple of days passed… then after class on a monday jimmy brought james to where his friends hung out.

the whole experience was new. james didn't know whether to be scared or intrigued by what he saw. the people stared at him till jimmy claimed that "the new kid's cool, he's with me." and they all went back to their own business.

james was uncomfortable, he didn't know what to do. this could be the new start he had been waiting for and he didn't want to blow it.

looking around in panic, he found jimmy again and walked to him.

so this is really cool

jimmy.

what do you mean?

adam?

cool? james, the

party hasn't even started!

you haven't met adam yet!

jimmy produced several pills from his pockets.

the shock on james' face was enough of a hint for jimmy to realize the situation that he was in.

don't tell me you never tried 'candy' before? i mean, you give off this whole "i hate the world" vibe... but you never tried to do anything about it? now, i know as

a first timer it'll be weird... but when you take it, you'll be able party like there's no tomorrow! come on... just take it, so we can get to the club before the

crowd.

reluctant, insecure and longing to fit in, jimmy swallowed the pill. before he knew it, there was loud music pumping and people all around him. he was dancing. him dancing! he couldn't believe it. he saw a girl from school that johnny claimed was "cool" and they began to dance. he was getting dizzy but he ignored that. sweating all over he kept on dancing. at one moment in the night, everything was blurry and he couldn't see a thing, but he kept on taking the pills jimmy gave him.

he couldn't believe it. who was this james? he was doing things he thought he would never be able to do with people who he thought wouldn't even give him the time of the day...

james didn't know what happened next but he ended up in his bed. his alarm clock began shouting and his mother entered his room.

SO... James, YOU WERE OUT WITH FRIENDS? THAT'S... THAT'S GOOD. I THOUGHT THAT MAYBE SINCE YOU WERE HAVING trouble AT YOUR OLD SCHOOL... THIS CHANGE IN PACE, THIS LARGER SCHOOL WAS WHAT YOU NEEDED. AND... I THINK IT WAS. OH, I'M SO HAPPY FOR YOU james! but... coming home that late was... i know you're a

teen and teens usually don't tell their parents about... i trust you. okay, please remember that i trust you and i love you.

with that, james went to school. he felt horrible and couldn't remember what had happened the night before. finding a place where he could be alone during lunch, he realized he felt worse than before he came... after classes ended, he found jimmy looking for him.

not now jimmy… i feel...

what?? it's 5!

i know how you feel, i felt it this

morning. all you need is another happy pill!

but remember how great you felt the

other day??

everything in his body ached... so he took another pill.

his father wanted to forget about him and his mother... so he took another pill.

he wanted to get away from everything, by going to a club... so he took another pill.

he wanted to be cool... so he took another pill.

he took another and another. to have fun and to forget. he took another and another...

suddenly, instead of pumping music he heard the pumping of his heart.

all he saw was a white room and his mother with tears on her face. his mother was crying… and a man in a white coat was there too. the man was saying things about his liver and brain… and… and then he heard nothing…

he didn't sleep anymore, not that he could. his eyes were always bloodshot and open, his feet moving on their own in clubs...

five months later...

"back in the day circa 1996" november 30, 1996. taken by kevin merideth (lomovek). via flickr.

"depressed in the dawn" july 25, 2007. taken by jana eriksson (iiana). via flickr.

"pink hear for bri" february 19, 2008. taken by aeracrescent. via deviant art.

"boy" may 20, 2011. taken by sidney hoggard (shoggard3). via deviant art.

"rainbow books" april 19, 2006. taken by bluemarla. via flickr.

"crowd" september 26, 2004. taken by luigi scuderi (minotauro9) via deviant art.

"covering up the bang" december 23, 2010. taken by ben hussman. via flickr.

"stop fighting" october 2, 2011. taken by adrian sommeling. via flickr.

"friends" january 24, 2006. taken by yupanki. via flickr.

"no standing" october 6, 2008. taken by taylor anne (taylor anne photography). via flickr.

"depressed" february 3, 2006. taken by rachmad66. via deviant art.

"a painting of paster colors - new york from the rock at sunset" taken by 1982chris911 (thank you 100.000 times). via flickr.

"senior high school" september 20, 2006. taken by neko-of-lotherian. via deviant art.

"high school cheerleaders - 8437" december 4, 2010. taken by azdew. via flickr.

"these city streets - new york city alley at night - tribeca" december 23, 2011. taken by vivienne gucwa. via flickr.

"a corner of the lost" january 6, 2005. taken by jon mathias (bubblesofdeath88). via deviant art.

"lips like heroin" december 27, 2009. taken by Cecilia mae (missshade). via deviant art.

"joona's eye" march 31, 2007. taken by heikki luhtala (digikuva). via flickr.

"smoke" february 25, 2009. taken by andrew magill (amagill). via flickr.

"speaking" september 24, 2010. taken by amanda rhoades (manders369). via deviant art.

"now that's pretty smart" march 22, 2009. taken by rauta bogdan (bodixxl511). via deviant art.

"day 150 of 365" may 30, 2010. taken by adriana glackin. via flickr.

"high school" january 15, 2008. taken by geraldin aldeux (aldeux). via deviant art.

"high school 2006" march 20, 2006. taken by ricardo guitiarez (xtraviado). via flickr.

"smile" may 29, 2010. taken by dani ayu. via flickr.

"party" may 31, 2009. taken by philipp berndt. via flickr.

"alarm clock woke up" september 16, 2006. taken by julie rivard. via flickr.

"mmmmm. pills." january 18, 2009. taken by everett glovier. via flickr.

"hospital" december 12, 2007. taken by jose goulao. via flickr.

"eyes wide open" may 15, 2007. taken by isha reyes (ishe* [soluztrella]). via flickr.