Thinking about Feeling the Korean War Veterans Memorial: Martial Affect, Vibrant Materialism, and Becoming in the Korean Diaspora 1 Although a good deal has been written concerning the effects of war, militarism, and militarization in the Korean and diasporic context , to the best of my knowledge there has yet to be serious consideration given to interrogating and theorizing the status of what I am calling the martial diaspora of Korea. This chapter contributes to a burgeoning literature that deals with various movements and aspects of the Korean Diaspora by focusing, in part, on the Korean War Veterans Memorial (KWVM) in Washington, D.C. Much of the scholarship on the Korean Diaspora has attended to the legacies of the Korean War. This has included meditations on nationalist constructions of gender (Kang 1998; Kim, E. 1998), investigations concerning the gendered, racialized, and sexualized nature of relations between U.S. soldiers and Korean women (Moon, K. 1997), treatises on the migration and lives of military brides in the U.S. (Cho 2008; Yuh 2002), the “proletarianization” of race and sex (Lee 2010) examinations of transracial and transnational adoption (Kim, E. 2010), and studies of the racialized socio-economic struggles of 1 Some of the rhythm, if not quite the rhyme, of this title owes a measure of gratitude to Lauren Berlant’s chapter “Thinking about Feeling Historical.”
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Thinking about Feeling the Korean War Veterans Memorial:
Martial Affect, Vibrant Materialism, and Becoming in the Korean
Diaspora1
Although a good deal has been written concerning the effects
of war, militarism, and militarization in the Korean and
diasporic context , to the best of my knowledge there has yet to
be serious consideration given to interrogating and theorizing
the status of what I am calling the martial diaspora of Korea. This
chapter contributes to a burgeoning literature that deals with
various movements and aspects of the Korean Diaspora by focusing,
in part, on the Korean War Veterans Memorial (KWVM) in
Washington, D.C. Much of the scholarship on the Korean Diaspora
has attended to the legacies of the Korean War. This has included
meditations on nationalist constructions of gender (Kang 1998;
Kim, E. 1998), investigations concerning the gendered,
racialized, and sexualized nature of relations between U.S.
soldiers and Korean women (Moon, K. 1997), treatises on the
migration and lives of military brides in the U.S. (Cho 2008; Yuh
2002), the “proletarianization” of race and sex (Lee 2010)
examinations of transracial and transnational adoption (Kim, E.
2010), and studies of the racialized socio-economic struggles of 1 Some of the rhythm, if not quite the rhyme, of this title owes a measure of gratitude to Lauren Berlant’s chapter “Thinking about Feeling Historical.”
2
Korean immigrant families in the U.S. (Abelmann 2009; Abelmann
and Lie 1995; Park 1997). Other research has delved into the
discontents of assimilation experienced by non-U.S. diasporic
populations (e.g., Ryang 2008; Ryang and Lie 2009). Contemporary
post-war scholarship on the Korean Diaspora relates not only to
the Korean War and the militarized foundations of modernity in
South Korea (Moon, S. 2005), but also to the formation of U.S.-
South Korean ties that were fortified in a number of ways by
South Korea’s involvement in the war in Viet Nam (Abelmann and
Lie 1995; Kim, J. 2010).
The customary approach in studies of the Korean War and its
diasporic ramifications has been to situate socio-cultural and
economic analyses in specific historical contexts. This is
something that I find imperative and fully endorse. That being
said, I would like to use this chapter as an opportunity to
explore what Lauren Berlant (2011) has called, in a gesture that
both acknowledges the work of Michel Foucault even as it extends
and departs from him in certain ways, “the history of the
present.” Similar to Berlant, my reason for taking this
methodological approach stems mainly from my interest in the
3
affective sensorium and its relation to a certain vibrant
materiality and their significance to the perception of the
historical present (p. 54). There are some who may see in this a
regressive move away from diachronic interpretation to what has
been viewed by many as a largely discredited synchronic mode of
analysis. While I do focus on the ongoing present, I do not wish
to supplant historical analysis. This chapter is meant simply to
be a stepping stone of sorts toward the development of an
adequate theoretical framework capable of illuminating the status
of martiality in the U.S. Korean Diaspora.
I experiment with a threefold approach in what follows:
conceptual elaboration, aesthetico-thought experiments in the
form of excursus, and anecdotal personal narratives to which I
have given the name ethnopraxis. More explicitly, I begin with a
short description of the KWVM and move to a brief examination of
a cluster of theoretical categories – the martial, vibrant
materiality, affect, and becoming – which have emerged as part of
recent trends in the political ecology of things and matter
(Bennett 2010; Coole and Frost 2010; Protevi 2008, 2009). These
concepts have helped me to think differently about spatiality and
4
objects in general and, in particular, the KWVM. I supplement and
inflect this conceptual work with the brief and experimental
narrative device of excursus that will be interwoven with various
accounts of my experiences as a member of the U.S. Armed Forces;
first as a cadet at the United States Military Academy at West
Point and later as an officer in the U.S. Army. I present these
snippets of martial experience as a self-reflexive and partially
auto-ethnographic ethnopraxis inspired in part by my several
encounters with the KWVM.
On this last point, some would argue that personal
experience has very little if any epistemological purchase in
serious intellectual work. This line of reasoning would argue
that drawing from subjective accounts does little in helping us
to understand the complexities of any given situation and risks
descending into a narrow and narcissistic self-indulgence. I am
not so naïve as to presume that my life as a soldier and veteran
could or even should be representative of an ostensible Korean
America and its diaspora. I do insist, however, that something of
value intellectually and politically can be obtained from careful
attention to the textured specificity of lived experience. Thus,
5
even as no straightforward synecdochal relationship can be
inferred from the martial encounters which have marked my life
and the broader history of warfare and its legacies in the Korean
and Korean diasporic context, I argue that the macropolitical
issues of the latter are, at the very least, vitally informed by
and can potentially be augmented through the work of
micropolitical critical self-reflexivity.2
My efforts here are not intended to obfuscate the history of
U.S. imperialism and its role in creating the conditions of
possibility for a memorial such as the KWVM. And neither do I
wish to ignore in crude fashion hegemonic state narratives that
are disseminated discursively and recapitulated in the physical
structures and spatial layout of the memorial itself. These are,
to be sure, strategies of signification which obviously encourage
particular readings of the KWVM and help to buttress officialist
paradigms and interests as expressed through comforting national
stories of valor and sacrifice. While I may not address
explicitly various ways of changing social and political
2 For a recent example of critical scholarship that brings together an evocative rendering of personal military experience and theoretical sophistication see Scranton, “Memories of My Green Machine: Posthumanism at War.” See also Scranton, “‘War and the City,’ Parts 1-5.”
6
conditions of existence, the conceptual and personal work that I
do in this paper should be seen as an eminently political and
politicized endeavor. What I put forth here resonates with what
Nigel Thrift (2007a, p. 20) has called “an unsettled politics of
advocacy.” This is an undertaking that attempts to track that
which evades explanation by conventional analytical discourses
and takes seriously what may have been dismissed heretofore as
mere background noise; assumed to be too frivolous and thin for
serious consideration.
The focus of this paper, then, is not so much about the KWVM
in and of itself as it is about a certain form and process of en-
countering. The KWVM operates here as the occasion for a sustained
consideration of the theoretical status of spatiality, bodies,
and things. Moreover, it is a site insofar as a site is understood
as a dynamic process consisting of variable and unfinished states
through which the unfolding of events can become instantianted.
By en-counter I intend to convey an array of senses to include the
implications of face-to-face meetings, the coming upon of
something(s) or someone unexpectedly, various forms of
conflictual or interruptive engagement, and a connotation that
7
stresses an increasing insistence on connections. I also intend to
convey what Louis Althusser (2006) once called “the materialism
of the encounter.” Althusser attempts in this later work to trace
an alternative genealogy of the (western) materialist tradition
through philosophical figures such as Lucretius (primacy of
“rain” and “clinamen”), Epicurus (primacy of the “swerve” of
parallel atoms), Machiavelli (primacy of “contingent”
encounters), Hobbes (primacy of the “aleatory” constitution of
the world), Spinoza (primacy of “void”), Rousseau (primacy of
“pure nature” and “radical absence of society”), Marx (primacy in
the capitalist mode of production of the aleatory “encounter-das
Vorgefundene” between owners of money and raw labor-power),
Heidegger (primacy of “there is” or “givenness-es gibt” of
contingency), Derrida (primacy of “absence” over presence and
“dissemination” over stable meaning), and Deleuze (primacy of
“positivity” over negativity), among others.3 What is pivotal to
Althusser’s account of materiality is the stress he places on the
aleatory as that which makes possible processual encounters from
the void. Understood from this angle, materiality is conditioned
3 This genealogy could also conceivably include Leucippus, for whom atomic movement was attributed to indeterminism.
8
by contingency rather than essence.4 I develop this notion of
contingency in relation to vibrant materiality, affect, and
becoming in later portions of this paper. At this point, however,
I want to shift my attention to some of the conversations dealing
with monuments and memorials as a way to set up my description of
the KWVM.
Monumentality
Critical analyses of monuments, memorials, and other forms
of commemoration have addressed a wide-ranging set of issues.
Among many other topics, these inquiries have examined questions
of power (White 2006), the politics of recognition (Schwartz and
Bayma 1999), the aesthetic construction of citizenship (Crysler
and Kusno 1997), the production of cultural memory (Sturken
1997), and articulations of nationalism and modernity (Jager
2002). To a large degree, this research has demonstrated how
memorials and monuments, particularly those located in
Washington, D.C., typically deploy discursive and non-discursive
strategies that promote and legitimate state-sanctioned ways of
4 For a fascinating and rigorously developed account of absolute radical contingency vis-à-vis a critique of metaphysical “correlationism” see Meillassoux, After Finitude: An Chapter on the Necessity of Contingency. See also Meillassoux, “Document 1: Interview with Quentin Meillassoux,” “Interview withQuentin Meillassoux,” and “Metaphysics, Speculation, Correlation.”
9
understanding and interacting with sites of national memory in
support of a national project of manufacturing “proper” subjects.
This is realized most often through the production of
epistemological, aesthetic, and pedagogical spaces that
explicitly venerate war and earnestly celebrate heroic sacrifice
and service to the nation. To a large extent, these studies have
situated memorials and monuments in their specific socio-cultural
and historical settings as a way to unpack the dense layers of
signification embodied by these physical commemorative markers.
As mentioned briefly in the introduction, this sort of
critical scrutiny remains crucial and the continued need for
scholarship conceived and conducted in this vein is clear.
Nonetheless, my task in this chapter is of a rather different
timbre and tack. I initiate a first attempt at thinking the KWVM
experimentally. My aim is to recast common sense notions about
war memorials and the process of memorializing. Thus, I do not
attempt, on the one hand, simply to romanticize the KWVM as a
sacred space of tribute to fallen and extant veterans of the
Korean War. And neither do I offer, on the other hand, a somewhat
predictable assessment of the KWVM as a site that commemorates
10
U.S. neo-imperialism and its global project of domination.
Instead, I wish to open from a more nuanced angle a space to
speak and weigh otherwise on the lingering effects of war and its
(dis)remembrance. Rather than presenting a straightforward
critique of the mobilization of dominant narratives and
strategies of signification that, not unlike other sites of
martial commemoration, are certainly to be found at the KWVM, I
explore an unconventional reading of this site that emphasizes
(martial) affect, vibrant materiality, and the event of becoming
as an overcoming of memory (Pearson 2010; Stoekel 1998). Before
moving along that path, however, I want to present a short
description of the memorial proper. Following this, I will
present a more detailed discussion of some of the connections
between, and what it is I intend by, the terms martial, vibrant
materialism, affect, and becoming. The final section of this paper will
shift to the more experimental and fragmented register of
rendering interlacing counterpoints of excursus and ethnopraxes.
Korean War Veterans Memorial
On the western end of the Washington National Mall just
beyond a grove of trees nestled up in front of the Lincoln
11
Memorial there is a small paved path that leads to the Korean War
Veterans Memorial. To the north and just across the reflecting
pool you will find the Vietnam Veterans and Vietnam Women’s
Memorials, and a bit further off to the east you will come upon
the World War II Memorial. The Korean War Veterans Memorial is an
intriguing mélange of symbols and is perhaps the most elaborate
of the monuments built after WWII. The idea for a national Korean
War Veterans Memorial first began circulating in the late 1970s.
And the formation of the National Committee for the Korean War
Memorial in 1981 was a watershed event that laid the groundwork
for a national site of commemoration dedicated to the extant and
deceased U.S. and U.N. service members who took part in this
conflict. Forty-two years to the day after the armistice was
signed in Korea on July 27, 1953, veterans gathered to listen to
President Clinton officially open and dedicate the KWVM.
In contrast to the jury of artists from the U.S. Commission
of Fine Arts who approved Maya Lin’s winning design for the
Vietnam Veterans Memorial, the U.S. Senate charged President
Reagan to appoint 12 Korean War veterans to a Korean War Veterans
Memorial Advisory Board (KWVMAB). In appointing a panel of
12
veterans, the state established a particular aesthetic of war
that would differ considerably from the Vietnam Memorial
commission and thus influenced who had the right to articulate
and enforce this particular vision of war and remembrance. While
there is not enough space for me to go into depth about the
fascinating and somewhat convoluted design process of the KWVM, I
do want briefly to catalog some of the more interesting
highlights.5
The KWVM is a singular site when compared to other
monuments, both in its geographical layout and in its mixture of
natural (pools, grass, shrubs, trees, etc.) and physical
structures (statues, walls, photographs, etc.). The original
proposal included a formation of 38 statues of soldiers walking
in wedge formation symbolizing both the 38th parallel of the
Demilitarized Zone that continues to separate North and South
Korea and the 38-month duration of the war. Space constraints
eventually forced this number to be cut in half. Interestingly
enough, from the very beginning the KWVMAB was intent on having
an inclusive monument where ethnic and racial identities were
5 For a more extended discussion of the process behind constructing the KWVM see Schwartz and Bayma, “Commemoration and the Politics of Recognition: The Korean War Veterans Memorial.”
13
expressed realistically in the statues. After a series of back
and forth battles with the Commission of Fine Arts that took
place over a period of years on issues such as whether there
should be a realist or impressionistic aesthetic, the final
composition of the 19 statues had muted and ambiguous ethnic
features. Service affiliations were also made less obvious to all
but the trained eye. Careful observation would reveal the
existence of 14 soldiers, 3 Marines, 1 Air Force spotter, and 1
Naval attaché. The final product was less realistic than the
panel of veterans wanted and less impressionistic than the
commission desired. Moreover, the compromise resulted in the use
of acid washed steel, making the statues look gray and weathered.
The inclusion of ponchos and helmets on the figures further
reduces their literalism as they now seem more formless. Indeed,
the dull grey and shapeless forms of the statues lend to them a
decidedly “ghostly” appearance. These phantom soldiers, then,
remain as the physical embodiment and product of a history of
ideological battles over political correctness and aesthetics.
Spectrality is echoed by the inclusion of shadowy
computerized photographic images of individuals who served in the
14
war and which are embedded in a wall that parallels the formation
of statues. In contrast to the symbolic minimalism of the Vietnam
Veterans Memorial where the listing of names functions as a
symbolic act to de-institutionalize the production of memory,
there are no names on the KWVM’s wall of photographs. This
contributes as well to the haunting and almost haunted feeling of
the memorial. Finally, due to the reflective surface of the stone
wall, the grey steel statues can be seen reflected amidst the
throng of unknown and unnamed soldiers. The addition of these
reflections allows the originally planned number of 38 soldiers
to appear, albeit in an unanticipated mixture of ephemeral
concreteness. I would like to transition at this time to a more
explicit engagement of the conceptual categories that I will
mobilize to read against the grain the KWVM.
The Martial
The martial can be discerned as a type of “intermediary
concept” (Brown & Tucker 2010, p. 242) that articulates the
particular conditions of certain actual experiences and events.
It is a malleable category which I hope may help to clarify what
it means to formulate, and what is at stake in formulating, a way
15
of understanding that neither thoughtlessly celebrates nor
effortlessly indicts militarization vis-à-vis demilitarization. I
recognize and underscore, instead, the uneven, multifaceted, and
mutually constitutive status of this relation. The martial works,
therefore, and initially operates through a deconstructive turn
that refuses hasty definitions. That which is martial emerges,
rather, through the interstices of a life, materializes in a
history, comes to light in a context, surfaces in a site, appears
in a relation, so on and so forth. The martial flows within,
through, amongst, and beyond subjects; it operates
institutionally while also mobilizing a shifting collection of
meanings and histories. The martial works intimately and
affectively: in-between, ineffable. The martial works
expressively, articulated aesthetically in monuments and
memorials, for instance, as well as in public acts such as those
found in martial claims to citizenship: super-citizenship via
citizen-soldiering. Furthermore, the martial should not solely be
thought of as referring to the violent domination that is
materialized in war, militarization, and militarism, although
this is clearly of utmost and urgent significance. The martial
16
is, I argue, also and vitally about militancies and forms of
resistance. Ways of being, doing, and transforming that draw on
diverse resources which give life to how we might learn to fight
otherwise.
As a sort of quasi-rubric that is perpetually renewed
depending on the context on which it bears, the martial
contributes to critical military studies (e.g., De Landa 1991;
Der Derian 1998; Ferguson and Turnbull 1999; Frese and Harrell
2003; Gusterson and Besteman 2009; Gutmann and Lutz 2010; Kelly,
Jauregui, Mitchell, and Walton 2010; Lutz 2001, 2002, 2009; Price
2004, 2008; Redhead 2004; Rodriguez 2010; Shigematsu and Camacho
2010; Tengan 2008; Vine 2009; cf. Lucas 2009) and its gendered
1997; Yuh 2002). My work extends this important scholarship to
the particular histories and situations affiliated with an
assorted collection of martial formations that continue to impact
the U.S. Korean Diaspora and the relations between the U.S. and
the two Koreas. The following questions animate my project: What
constitutes the martial and of what might it consist? How does
that which is martial operate as a marshaling force? Where and
17
when does the martial matter and for whom? Which forms and
expressions does it take? What are its limitations and
potentialities? Which solidarities become available through
martial reckonings and which are foreclosed? How is the martial
produced, consumed, and “pro-sumed”? And how might a theory of
the martial relate to and help us to think anew about the
question of diaspora? For reasons of space, I am able only to
address one or two of these overarching questions in the current
version of this paper. Below I will explore tentatively how the
martial figures into my reading of the KWVM.
Vibrant Materialism
A swerving and expanded notion of materiality has been
developed in more recent work on the political ecology of
matter.6 And it is to this body of scholarship that I owe my
vibrant material reading of the KWVM, a reading which accentuates
the vitality of bodies and things.7 The work of Gilles Deleuze
6 Compare the work of Maurizio Lazzarato (1996, p. 133) on the status of “immaterial labor” as that which “produces the informational and cultural content of the commodity.”
7 For critical work being done in the vein of counter-hegemonic memorialization see, for instance, DeLappe and Simpson, “Virtual Commemoration: The Iraqi Memorial Project” and Miller, “Aesthetic of Strength:The Air Force Memorial and Virilio’s Last War.” Compare, however, Andermann and Arnold-de Simine, “Memory, Community, and the New Museum.”
18
(e.g., 1983a, 1983b, 1994, 2004, 2007) and his collaborations
with Félix Guattari (1983, 1987, 1994) offer general inspiration
for this approach, which is broadly experimentalist in nature.
With respect to the specific problem of vibrant materiality, my
project is indebted to the thought-provoking claims developed by
Jane Bennett (2010) in Vibrant Matter: A Political Ecology of Things.
Bennett’s work challenges us to take seriously the “vitality” of
bodies and things. Crucial to this assertion is the expansion and
complication of the theoretical status of bodies, matter, and
life.8 While acknowledging the critical importance and continued
need for historical materialist approaches, Bennett shifts her
focus from the lineage of materialism represented by Hegel-Marx-
Adorno to a materialist tradition inspired by Democritus-
Epicurus-Spinoza-Diderot-Deleuze. This move allows her to
understand the vibrant materiality of bodies as both human and
nonhuman.
Vitality, then, is a type of capacity of bodies, objects,
and life (organic and inorganic). Troubling the frequently taken
8 For a fascinating exploration of this point at the molecular and sub-molecular level studied by quantum physics see Brown, “The Inorganic Open: Nanotechnology and Physical Being”; see also Thrift, “Life, but not as we knowit.”
19
for granted distinction between so-called “dead” matter and
Stewart 2007; Thrift 2007b; Virno 1996; Walkerdine 2010) have
emerged on the academic scene informed by discourses such as
cultural Marxism (Anderson 1983; Lukàcs 1962; Jameson 1991;
Williams 1965, 1977), poststructuralism, psychoanalysis, feminist
theory, queer theory, critical race theory, critical new media
studies, and postcolonial theory, just to name a few of the many
interventions in this area.9 Confirming the significance of this
theoretical shift to affect is the appearance of several edited
volumes (Ball and Restuccia 2007; Clough 2007; Gregg and
Seigworth 2010; Tomkins 1995) which have assembled important
essays engaging variously with this problem.
The discourse of affect is not without its detractors. A
9 Also related to this broad trend toward affective questions is the work of Jacques Rancière who explores questions of aesthetics and its relation to politics vis-à-vis ruminations concerning the status of sensibility and perceptibility in Disagreement: Politics and Philosophy and The Politics of Aesthetics.
25
number of criticisms have been levied against the so-called “turn
to affect.” Some of these critiques (Leys 2007, 2010, 2011;
Papoulias and Callard 2010) have taken to task affect theorists
for their sloppy use of neuroscientific research. One of the
points highlighted is the tendency of new affect theorists to
underplay or discount outright the highly contested nature of the
categories they are importing from neurobiological discourses.
Thus, two levels of confusion ensue whereby insufficient
attention to the complexity of arguments surrounding various
conceptual categories within neuroscience become the ambiguous and
therefore problematic archi-foundation for theorization within
etc. – what is interesting about their take on art and relevant
for my purposes here is how they connect art, memory, and
sensation in the concept of the monument. From their angle, “the
monument is not something [simply] commemorating a past, it is a
bloc of present sensations [italics added]…The monument’s action is not
45
memory but fabulation [simulation]” (pp. 167-168; cf. Foucault
1972).
Art as the multiplication of potentials and the selection of
every possible property combined with an understanding of the
monument as a bloc of sensations describes well the KWVM.
Reworking the notion of monumental art and bending it toward a
reading of the KWVM allows us to see how this vibrant cultural
landscape is nothing but a shifting proliferation of multiple
potentialities. As a result, if we understand the KWVM as a
simulacral process in the manner just described, this demands
that we view its power (potential) as a constant movement of
becoming which operates by combining as many potentials as
possible. In this vein, we might begin to rethink the KWVM as in
a very specific sense always and also an “art” that marshals a
certain monument of “martial affect” (a particular bloc of
sensations). Expanding how we conceive of martial arts in general
and what would count as a martial art in particular, it is in the
precise manner described above that we might initiate from a
certain angle a glimpse of the KWVM in a heretofore unimagined
form: as a singular expression of a martial art.
46
Ethnopraxis: November 2011, KWVM
Twisting to my purposes and stretching beyond the frame of
the photographic text Roland Barthes’(1981) notion, the absence
of veterans and tourists at the KWVM today strikes me as a
punctum. It’s Veterans Day and I’m back again, hoping for an
opportunity to witness rituals of various sorts throughout the
day. I visited the week prior and talked to the Park Rangers
about whether there would be any official ceremonies. There were
none planned. This is in stark contrast to the Vietnam Veterans
Memorial. On the surface, it appears as if this is yet another
example of the somewhat banal notion that the Korean War is
America’s “forgotten” adventure. Somehow, and for some reason,
this memorial does not (yet?) warrant the official celebrations
that will take place at the World War II and Vietnam Memorials on
this day. There were a few wreaths that already had been laid
earlier that morning. But not much more. The Park Rangers had
told me to be there by 8 a.m. and so I was. Looks like whatever
tiny ceremony there might have been took place earlier than that.
I am pissed off at myself for missing it. I am at once
disappointed and relieved. Annoyed and strangely comforted. I
47
still feel a certain type of anxiousness around older veterans;
ashamed that I never fought in a “real” war with “real” bullets.
Sure, I graduated from West Point and that was impressive
enough, I suppose. But I got it all wrong after that. I should
have “gone Infantry” but chose instead Air Defense Artillery as
my branch designation because I was lazy and thought it would be
“laid back” and not so “high-speed,” less pressure and less
expected of me. The audio track to that Saturday Night Live skit
“Lowered Expectations” is on auto-repeat in my head. I even chose
to avoid Ranger School at all costs (regret it now), perhaps the
pinnacle in “high-speed” army culture. Secretly, I was afraid. I
was convinced that my shaky night/day land navigation skills
would haunt me and bite me in the ass. I was also lazy. In decent
shape physically but too unmotivated to actually train on my own
for the basic physical assessments in push-ups, sit-ups, chin-
ups, running, and road marching. If I were honest with myself, I
would have to admit that I had a pretty lousy attitude about the
whole thing. I did exactly what was required to pass and not a
bit more. I was a breath away from being a slacker, if such a
thing is even possible in a military environment. I was petrified
48
that I would be “re-cycled” again and again for one failure or
another, only to see me booted out of Ranger School eventually
for one reason or another.
It’s freezing out today. I literally can’t feel my toes. I
feel like such a goddamn wuss. It makes me think to myself just
how far I’ve fallen from my early Army days when I was stationed
near the DMZ in Korea. I used to train all the time in the frigid
conditions of a Korean winter and it makes me feel even more
anxious and ashamed. I push through for a half an hour more
waiting and hoping that someone, anyone will show up so that I
can at least feel like I did something of worth today. Nobody
comes. Most of them seem to head to the Lincoln Memorial or
towards the Vietnam and World War II Memorials. I snap a few
pictures of soldiers and call it a day. I kick myself, feeling
like this was a wasted opportunity since I wasn’t willing to
brave the cold for the next 10 hours just in case somebody showed
up. This place is starting to drive me crazy.
Excursus IV: Dream Diary, 10/02/05:11
11 Other than redacting personal names in the interest of preserving privacy, this is an unedited entry from a dream diary that I started in August of 2005 to help me deal with what had been up to that point over two years of reader’sand writer’s block. A solo struggle symptomatic of a martially inflected Korean Diasporic post-traumatic stress of sorts.
49
So I had a dream again where I was back at West Point except
that this time there were a bunch of Asian girls standing around
and they were wearing a combination of bathrobes and uniforms. I
was stuck in some sort of contraption with someone else whose
face I couldn’t see but who was short like me and wasn’t wearing
a uniform. Later on I saw that he was an Asian guy. But then he
sort of turned into a Jewish-Italian looking guy. We ended up
driving some vehicle through different company and platoon
formations and ended up disrupting all of them. I was wearing
camouflage and then I switched into “Class A’s.” When we were
driving through “the Quad” there was this Asian girl who was
wearing a tiara like she was Miss America or something and she
was waving and welcoming folks. There were Asians in the crowd
but I ignored most of them. Me and the Asian/Jew/Italian struck
up an odd conversation about the martial art known as “pushing
hands.” He was telling me how I was afraid to do it since it was
so hard. I asked him if he did it and he said yes and joked that
he had to restrain himself when he lost in competition, otherwise
the whole point of serenity and self/other awareness constitutive
of pushing hands would have been lost. Perhaps I need to
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incorporate pushing hands in my life. Perhaps I need to start
looking back into people’s eyes when I’m talking to them instead
of looking at the floor or wherever; maybe I can redirect and
focus both my energy and theirs.
We ended up at the back of a dining hall. There were bagels
outside in a basket. This guy went in and this girl who I didn’t
even really see who was in the back of the truck-thing we had
been previously driving both went in ahead of me. They take out a
leaf-blower to return it somewhere and the contraption turned
into some sort of dining cart and one of the waiters told me to
come in. There were already a bunch of folks in there watching
TV. I saw *****. She’s always in my dreams these days because of
the feelings of failure and insecurity that I have when I think
about her. I feel a lot of respect for her. Here is a girl who is
physically in better shape, does better mentally than me, and has
more heart. I still can’t believe she beat my time on that
obstacle course. I feel completely fucking emasculated. Like a
fucking loser. She is just way more squared away than I ever was
and she just keeps popping up in my dreams over and over again.
Maybe she’s some sort of superego or something. So I entered the
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dining hall and peeked in, sort of looking around for the leaf-
blower guy and girl and seeing who the other people were that
happened to be sitting in chairs in the back. I finally asked if
anyone could just sit in the free spots at the table. I headed
towards a table off to the right where ***** was. I felt slightly
humiliated again, sick to my stomach. It felt as if people had
been talking about me and my weirdness. Here’s the thing, my hair
felt too long. I felt like I was so out of place because I wasn’t
quite “in uniform.” Even if I were wearing good quality
camouflage and Class A’s, I felt like people saw me for a slob
and for being out of uniform because of my hair. Being out of
uniform and having a non-regulation haircut has been a recurring
part of my West Point dreams. Fucking annoying.
Coda: Otherwise in other ways
Rewind. The Korean War Veterans Memorial (KWVM). Redux: a
Korean Veteran’s War Machine (KVWM). We are trying to assemble
(assemblage as mode of radical thinking) a habit of creative
renewal of habits; trying to feel at home on the move, with or
without change of spatial location (Protevi 2010). We are
attempting through the conversion of memorial to (intensive war)
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machine to invent what Char Roon Miller (2010) has called
“productive war on ourselves” and to “force flexibility upon
invincible necessity” (Arakawa and Gins 1997, p. 11). To
“fabulate” and “entertain” that which was previously unavailable
to us through “plastic habits” (Malabou 2008; see also Dewsbury