DOMESTIC VIOLENCE. Disclaimer: Throughout this presentation, victims may be referred to as “she” and perpetrators as “he”. Domestic violence can happen.

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

Disclaimer:

Throughout this presentation, victims may be referred to as “she” and perpetrators as “he”. Domestic violence can happen to anyone, regardless of gender or sexual orientation.

Statistics

1 in 4 women experience violence

A woman is battered every 12 seconds in the United States

More than 3 women are killed every day

In 2008, 6,143 acts of domestic violence were reported to law enforcement in Idaho

Misconceptions

Violence does not occur in relationships that appear “normal”

DV is a private matter; “It’s none of my business”

“Why doesn’t she just leave?” “Husband battering” happens just as

often

Abuser’s MO

“Abuse as a child causes my violence”

“I lost control” “It’s my bad temper” “It’s the alcohol or drugs”

Abuser’s MO

Victim was drunk/hysterical/high I was defending myself It was an accident Acknowledges family problems,

denies violence Trying to keep the family

together

Red Flags

Disrespect Controlling Possessive Nothing is abuser’s fault Relationship is serious too

quickly Past violence

Myths about Victims

Only lower class women Victims provoke and deserve

violence Victims move from one abuser to

another Low self-esteem Weak Victims should just leave

Reality

Most victims do not want the relationship to end, but rather the violence to stop

What Keeps Victims in Abusive Relationships

FearFamilyFinancesFaithFantasyFather

Leaving is a process, not an

event.

When She Leaves

•Where will she live?•How will she support her children?•Employment opportunities•Lack of transportation•Can she make it on her own?•Parenting issues

The Often Overlooked Victims Between 3.3 million and 10 million

children witness DV annually 50% of men who frequently assault

their wives, also abuse their children Those children who are not primary

victims are witnessing the violence

How does it affect the kids?

Emotional Signs: guilt, shame, scared, overburdened, need for attention

Behavioral: acting out, withdrawing Physical: tired, regressive behavior,

somatic complaints Social: isolated, difficulty trusting, lots of

outside activities Cognitive: feels responsible, blames

others, thinks violence is normal, low self-concepts

Roles Children Develop

Caretaker Victim’s confidant Abuser’s confidant Abuser’s assistant Perfect Child Referee Scapegoat

“Little Brother” Audio File

Calm Kyle

How do we “fix” domestic violence?

Domestic Violence treatment The problems with:

Couples counselingAnger managementSubstance abuse treatment

Recommended: Batterer treatment programs

Law Enforcement’s Response Determining predominant

aggressor Self-defense injuries Interviewing Strangulation

Planning for safety

Should be a discussion, not a checkbox

Individual and varied for each survivor

Variable Specifics depend on

circumstances

Common Pitfalls

Working from your agenda rather than that of the victim

Have realistic expectations

Accept that at times you may feel burned out and talk about those feelings with staff

Accept that, at times, you will feel helpless. Partly as a result of the lack of resources for battered women and partly as a result of the victim’s reluctance to make changes.

Give accurate information for victim to use in her own decision making

Offer support for victim and respect her wishes

Assist victim with having her wishes met by others

Understand that it is the perpetrator’s responsibility to stop – not hers.

Advocates Do

Advocates Don’t

Make decisions for the victim

Try to persuade the victim

Voice personal opinions and values

Act as an extension of law enforcement (we are not investigators, nor do we give information)

Empowerment and Advocacy

1. Respect Confidentiality. All discussions must remain confidential. This is essential to building trust and ensuring safety.

2. Believe and Validate her Experiences. Listen and believe her. Acknowledge she is not alone.

3. Acknowledge the Injustices. No one deserves to be abused, the violence is not her fault.

4. Respect her Autonomy. She is the expert on her life, she knows what decisions are best.

5. Help her Plan for Future Safety. What has she done in the past, does she have a safe place to go?

6. Offer at least one referral!

Non-Judgmental Questions

Victim may have difficulty identifying abuse as more than just physical violence.

•What is it like at home for you?

•What happens when you and your partner disagree?

•Has he ever thrown things or hurt you in any way?

•Does he put you down or call you names?

•How does he handle things when he doesn’t get his way?

•Do you have to account to him for all of your time?

•Does he use your religious beliefs against you?

•Are you scared he will harm you or your children?

Tips for Working with Battered Women

Ask Direct Questions• To assess danger (Is he there?)• To assess safety options (Friends that can help?)• To gather basic information

Empathy/Support• It’s hard to make such important decisions• That must be rough for you• That must make you angry (sad, scared)

Softening• You are pretty hard on yourself, everyone has doubts (these

feelings, reactions)• I think you are expecting too much of yourself

Tips for Working with Battered Women

Improving Self-Esteem•Sounds to me like you’re not a bad person, you want to make the best decision•You’re just trying to be a good mother

Feedback/Verification•Let me see if I have the facts rights•You want to do something but you’re not sure what

Confrontation•Sure it’s hard to make changes, but you said earlier you’ve had it•Maybe you need to think about what is best for you

Helpful Hints

•Treat victim with respect

•Assess the safety of victim

•Allow victim to vent feelings

•Sometimes it’s not clear what a victim wants. It’s ok to ask what made them call now or what they are hoping you can do for them

•Empower the victim to make choices and decisions. Call attention to her strengths

•Help victim feel they are building a relationship with the agency, not you as an individual. Use minimal self-disclosure

Helpful Hints

•End interaction on a note of hopefulness if you can

•Resist temptation to say bad things about abuser

•Develop realistic expectations. By listening, you have performed a great service!

•Slow down, don’t rush to solve the problem. The initial problem may not be the most pressing

•If you get stuck, get curious

•Practices pauses, silence isn’t a bad thing

•If victim resists solution, she isn’t read to make changes. She just needs to talk and be heard.

Questions?

Yolanda Matos

Valley Crisis Center

PO Box 558

Nampa, ID 83653

208-467-4130

[email protected]

[email protected]