1 Divorce Therapy: Helping Families Separate and Reorganize Greater Washington Society for Clinical Social Work Jonah Green, MSW February 20, 2009 Topics: The Why and What of Divorce Therapy How Divorce Therapy Happens A Brief History of Divorce and Divorce Therapy The Impact of Divorce Impasses of Divorce Principles for Practicing Divorce Therapy Stage I: Managing Pre-Separation Crises Stage II: Facilitating Uncoupling, Part I Facilitating Uncoupling, Part II: A Quick Legal Primer Stage III: Building a new organization: the sibling relationship Stage IV: Building a new organization Towards Co-Parenting Stage V: Strengthening Individual Households Special Problems: Arresting Disengagement by Parents Special Problems: Combating Parental Alienation Special Problems: Addressing the Abuse Issue One-Person Divorce Therapy: Work with Individual Adults One-Person Divorce Therapy: Work with Individual Children Towards the Future
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Divorce Therapy: Helping Families Separate and ReorganizeGreater Washington Society for Clinical Social Work
Jonah Green, MSWFebruary 20, 2009
Topics: The Why and What of Divorce Therapy How Divorce Therapy Happens A Brief History of Divorce and Divorce Therapy The Impact of Divorce Impasses of Divorce Principles for Practicing Divorce Therapy Stage I: Managing Pre-Separation Crises Stage II: Facilitating Uncoupling, Part I Facilitating Uncoupling, Part II: A Quick Legal Primer Stage III: Building a new organization: the sibling relationship Stage IV: Building a new organization Towards Co-Parenting Stage V: Strengthening Individual Households Special Problems: Arresting Disengagement by Parents Special Problems: Combating Parental Alienation Special Problems: Addressing the Abuse Issue One-Person Divorce Therapy: Work with Individual Adults One-Person Divorce Therapy: Work with Individual Children Towards the Future
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The Why and What of Divorce Therapy
-Why: How the separation and divorce occurs tends to set the stage for future family functioning
-Families have several tasks: dealing with grief, reorganization, finding new ways of communicating, making new goals with new relationships. Without help, there are typical impasses.
-What: Treatment which aims to move the family through a process which recovers, restores and reconfigures family relationships and the functions of parent, child, sibling
-You are helping families reorganize into a functional “two-home family”. Some peoples’ ways of relating, levels of intimacy, degree of power, and roles may change.
The Impact of Divorce-The Family Experience (Trafford): even in
the best divorces, the effect is usually “crisis, crazy time, and recovery”. Reaction to crisis can be numbing as opposed to acting out
-The Individual Adult Experience: can be conceptualized as a mourning process (Kubler-Ross), but usually one in which people cycle through extreme emotions (Love, anger, sadness). Can be at risk for depression, substance abuse, regression/acting out. Different for leaver vs. left
-Children’s well-being is tied to how adults communicate and function, relationship with each parent, individual resources. Normal adjustment takes up to a year. Adolescents are at risk for depression, conduct and drug problems
Principles for Practicing Divorce Therapy:-Keep the Focus on the whole family-- attend to
individuals and families within that context-Focus on more than one affect and
perspective—especially if one seems too prominent
-Make sure the loss is acknowledged and addressed
-Assist family members in seeing their contributions—point out “feedback loops”
-Prioritize parental communication—look for a “business relationship” as an ideal
-Work for the success of both parents—watch for the well-being of kids as a “red herring”
-Strengthen sibling and “new home” sub-systems—this may involve different roles for certain kids
-Limit influence of antagonistic groupings-Control potentially hostile encounters—break up
negative interactions-Promote equal power among ex-spouses-Support functioning—get supports, services, build
skills-Avoid triangulation—don’t deliver messages-Keep clear about your role (testimony, etc.)-Proceed in stages-Make sure the legal process is as constructive as
possible-Support gradual use of constructive social
Stage II: Facilitating Uncoupling, Part I1) -Set up guidelines for disengagement, establish
explicit rules Defining the Post-Divorce Relationship—
Guidelines for contact, roles Setting up a practical short-term parenting plan
(agree that not to be basis for custody agreement)-considerations for scheduling: children’s
developmental needs, special needs, practical needs. Avoid either too frequent transitions or too little contact with each parent-The approximation rule: the child’s life should approximate as close as possible the life before the separation
Telling the Children: Get story straight, minimize blame, tell what need to know, be emotionally available
If possible, have “less close” parent move out, as close as feasible, with rooms for children, with pictures of other parent in rooms of kids at both houses
Uncoupling, Part II: Get Partners to take charge of the Legal Process
Frame process as finding what works for everybody instead of “justice”
Aim for expeditious and deliberate, without surprise attacksA Quick Legal Primer:
-Contested vs. uncontested divorce-aiming for separation agreement: property and custody-legal (decision-making) vs. physical custody-Parenting plans vs. custody plans
High drama:-restraining orders-orders to vacate-contempt of court-motions for injunctive relief (freezing assets)-The 95% ruleCustody evaluators, best interest attorneys andparenting coordinators tend to be appointed in high-conflict divorces
Options for Alternative Dispute Resolution Procedures
-Mediation—without lawyers, usually cheapest and most constructive, but not appropriate if there is high-conflict or power imbalance-Collaborative Law—initially more money than mediation, but may be able to contain difficult divorces-Arbitration for financial issues-The “do it yourself” divorce
Remember that even with litigated divorce it is important to remind spouses that they are in charge
-80% of parents in high-conflict divorces practice some form of alienation
-Working with the allied parent: educate about dangers for child, challenge enmeshment: support in managing anxiety/loneliness, tolerate negative feelings that come with setting limits
-Working with the estranged parent: help to focus on child’s plight, encourage non-intrusive “affinity-seeking” to start
-Working with the alienated child and siblings: encourage gray thinking, individuation from allied parent, broach range of memories
Conclusion: Consolidating Gains and Moving Towards the Future
-In summary, you are helping the family to establish clarity about the future, mourn their losses, establish stronger (and in some cases, new) sub-systems, help the ex-spouses form a new kind of alliance as co-parents and as co-leaders of a “two-home family”
-You want to make sure that parents have mechanisms to adjust communication/parenting plan as circumstances shift: kids grow, partners enter picture
-Remember, one or both parents will re-partner within 5 years. Advise parents to find new activities, friends, but move slow and recognize the complexity of the tasks involved.