Divorce

DIVORCE AND FAMILY THERAPY

Presenter: Dr Urvakhsh Mehta

Chair: Dr. Anisha Shah

15-07-2009

Divorce

• Legal separation of a married couple

• In India, grounds for divorce are different for different religions

Grounds for divorce

• Impotency• Mental illness• Jailed for > 7 years• Extramarital affairs• Non consummation• Cruelty• Mutual consent• The Special Marriages Act,

1954

Epidemiology

• Divorce rates up to 40% in the west, up to 7 % in India

• Increase in number of cases filed for divorce.

Contextual factors associated with divorce

• Economic resources associated with high SES

• Community integration with rural living

• Psychological maturity with age

• Model of marital stability from non-divorced parents

The Four Horsemen of The Apocalypse- The breakdown sequence

I. Stage of intractable conflict & complaints

• Conflicts are not resolved

• No compromise or “agree to disagree”

• Communication problem - teach behavioral communication techniques

• Real differences in values- acceptance or working out alternative means of satisfying needs

II. Stage of feeling contempt for the other

• Identify cognitions associated with distress

• “Problems are caused by his/her personality and he/she will never change”

• “He/she doesn’t really love or care for me”

• “He/she deliberately causes pain”

• “He/she should understand the marriage”

II. Stage of feeling contempt for the other

• Contempt is a strong predictor of relationship breakdown (more significant than conflicts)

• If noticed, the counselor should stop the pattern by blocking (a systemic technique that is meant to clear the ground for new behaviours to emerge)

Managing contempt

• Identify the negative pattern• Get the couple to reflect on the

communication• If not possible, the counselor can reflect the

pattern to the couple• Take a non-blaming stance (the hurting

behaviour can be portrayed as a person’s coping with life)

Managing contempt

• “Check out” by the couple, to establish consensus

• Monitor behaviours during sessions and give feedback

• Encourage them to come up with alternate behaviours

• Self sufficiency by teaching them how to monitor, identify and modify old patterns

III. Stage of defensive behavior

• Become hardened by the chronicity

• React more acutely during conflicts, becoming overwhelmed and “flooded”

• Over time, they learn the gridlocked nature of the problem

• Learn that repeated failures to resolve conflicts lead to pain and disappointment

IV. Stage of breakdown

• Breakdown of trust, of hope to resolve conflicts

• Increasing disengagement, avoidance in the name of self protection- “Stonewalling”

• Behavioral techniques will be less effective

• Acceptance based work & emotion focused work may be more useful

Life cycle stages

Carter & Mc Goldrick, 1999

STAGES TASK

1. Decision to divorce Acceptance of one’s role in marital failure

2. Planning separation Sorting out custodial issues and responses from family of origin

3. Separation

(risk for depression, infections and exacerbation of previous health problems)

Mourning, adjustment, staying connected to extended family, managing doubts, commitment to divorce

4. Post-divorce period Maintaining custodial arrangements, strong relationships with child & re-establishing social networks

5. Entering a new relationship

Completing emotional divorce from past relationship, commitment to new marriage

6. Planning a new marriage

Planning co-operation with ex-spouses and dealing with child’s loyalty conflicts, adjusting to a broader extended family

7. Establishing a new family

Space for new members

Sharing memories to allow integration of new members

Parenting styles post-divorce

• Cooperative parenting: A unified set of rules & routines about managing children

• Parallel parenting: Each parent has their own set of rules about rearing children

• Conflictual parenting: No direct communication, switch-board communication through the child

Adjustment difficulties- children post-separation

• Immediate 2 year period

• A minority of children affected

• Boys between 3 & 18 years at max risk

• High self-esteem, internal locus of control, realistic beliefs about parents’ separation, good problem-solving and social skills are protective factors

Adjustment difficulties- children post-separation• Conduct problems

(boys)• Emotional &

internalizing problems (girls)

• Academic difficulties (both)

• Difficult interpersonal relationships (both)

Adjustment difficulties- children post-remarriage

• Good adjustment if remarriage occurs when children are pre-adolescent, late-adolescent, early adulthood

• Resistance maximum during early adolescence

• Remarriage is more disruptive for girls than boys

Long-term implications

• One third from a sample of 173 adults who were assessed 20 years after their parents’ divorce reported remarriage of parents was more stressful than divorce

• Two thirds reported their father’s remarriage was more stressful than mother’s

• Most noted that relationship with step-parents improved over time

• A consistent factor that emerges for children’s adjustment is

• the degree to which the divorcing parties cooperate and

• avoid involving the children in the divorce conflict

• It usually takes from two to five years of adjustment to stabilize to more normal positive feelings and behaviors

Hetherington et al, 1998

Children fare better when

• They maintain a good relationship with both parents

• They are kept out of parental conflicts

• There are fewer disruptions in their lives, including economic ones

• There are flexible and adaptable custody and child support arrangements

Adjustment difficulties- in couples post-separation

• Depends on the nature of divorce• Mutual consent divorces are the healthiest• Feelings of blame, guilt, anger, contempt

are common in divorces on other grounds• Crisis view• Chronic stress view• Psychological and financial aspects

ISSUES IN INTERVENTIONS

AIMS

• To help partners come to a rational decision about marriage

• To reconsider the decision to get a divorce

• To minimize the negative impact of divorce

• To come to terms with divorce and adjust with their new lives

Types of couples

Both want divorce; both are ready

• Work out practical details

• Counselor merely acts as a guidepost for discussing and deciding

• Usually an easy task

One wants divorce; other does not due to social reasons

• Here, both partners acknowledge emptiness of marriage

• Fear of stigma, life changes holds back one

• Counselor helps them acknowledge the validity of each other’s positions

• Helps them help each other meet their needs

One wants divorce; other does not due to emotional reasons

• Difficult to develop a conjoined agenda

• Lack of participation from partner that wants separation

• Individual sessions with each partner to cope with their feelings and move on

One is ambivalent; other wishes to continue

• Event or experience specific ambivalence can be handled by deconstructing the event and tracing thoughts of separation

• Long term ambivalence may be a means of having power, which then needs to be blocked as a negative pattern

Both partners are ambivalent

• A process, not necessarily linear or orderly

• May last indefinitely

• Alternates with compromises and conflict resolution attempts

• It slows down the decision making process so that better decisions can be reached

• Danger of ever remaining in a sour relation

• Partners’ stance may change from session to session, move back and forth between agendas

• Counselor needs to acknowledge and validate their ambivalence

• Act as a traffic cop to enable previously gridlocked communication to flow better

• Discuss reasons for ambivalence, mirroring pros and cons of each decision, make a commitment

Divorce therapy versus marital therapy

• Divorce therapy: A relationship treatment whose goal is to diminish and eventually dissolve the marital bonds

• Marital therapy: A relationship treatment that seeks to enhance and preserve the marital bond

Sprenkle (1989)

Divorce therapy versus marital therapy

• Such a dichotomy is rarely apparent in clinical practice

• Ambivalence may take up a lot of time

• Counselor must sensitively monitor the goals and commitments of the clients and

• Remain flexible to changing strategies appropriate to those goals

Theoretical foundations

• Marital and family therapy, including both psychodynamic systems and behavioral approaches

• Crisis-intervention treatment

• Grief and bereavement counseling

• Educational-supportive counseling

• Developmental psychology

PROCESSES

• Establish clearly the goals of counselling

• Keep an open stance & maintain neutrality

• Maintain confidentiality when required

• Value marriage as a major commitment

• Portray divorce as a process not an event, hence go slow on decision-making as it will be a big decision, be aware of therapist bias

PROCESSES

• Focus of assessments- need to learn about themselves, their relationship, what went wrong, its use in this or other relationships

• Set an agenda gradually, let the ambivalence emerge and deal with it first

• Soothing interventions- when couple is highly distressed

PROCESSES

• Help them to move on by mirroring the pros and cons thus facilitating decision making, even if it is currently painful

• Individual sessions with supportive work for the partner who feels wronged- anger, revenge, sadness, hopelessness, guilt, low self esteem

PROCESSES

• Explore and help the couple transit back into their relationship if they decide to do so

• Concept of forgiveness from either side • Explore & help to cope with and overcome

feelings of failure to sustain their marriage• Emphasize benefits of mutual decisions

instead of going to court (E.g. dividing assets)

PROCESSES

• Advise on legal issues if required

• Protect the children- place their needs first while deciding, block patterns that triangulate conflicts on to children

• Decisions on stay, financial support, visitation & custodial rights

• Explore impact on social life

PROCESSES

• Help adjust with post-separation blues- regaining self-esteem, coping with loneliness, build support networks, new interests & activities, new meaning in life

• Help negotiations with own families of origin, facilitate their acceptance, communicate their stance clearly

• Help in post-separation role-transition

PROCESSES

• Men may need to learn child rearing, cooking, and housekeeping skills

• Women may have to learn financial management, household repair and maintenance

• Explain to clients the dynamics of a transitional relationship if any

References

• Handbook of Couples Therapy, Michele Harway

• Family Therapy Concepts, Process and Practice, 2nd edition, Alan Carr

• The Family Life Cycle: A Framework for Family Therapy, Carter & McGoldrick

• Compilations by Dr Rathna Issac for i) IGNOU Course on Mental Health & Counselling (2008) and ii) Basic Skills in Couple and Family Counselling, Parivarthan, Bangalore (2004)