-
Journal of Counseling & Development January 2014 Volume
92104
Theory
2014 by the American Counseling Association. All rights
reserved.
Received 02/28/12Revised 09/20/12
Accepted 09/28/12DOI: 10.1002/j.1556-6676.2014.00136.x
The male experience is framed by context, power, character,
personalities, and relationships, which are interwoven in complex
ways. Within these contexts, men navigate their professional and
personal relationships with varying levels of awareness of their
personal qualities and competencies, impact on others,
psychological limitations, and interpersonal power and influence.
This article applies the Developmental Relational Counseling (DRC)
model (Duffey & Haberstroh, 2012) with men. Two de-identified
case examples illustrate a counselors work using DRC. Some details
have been altered to protect cli-ent anonymity. As men develop the
capacity to see others and themselves more clearly, they may become
better positioned to participate in and enjoy their important
relationships, using feedback, self-reflection, and a balanced
self-perception.
DRC is a conceptual model designed to help clients (a) per-ceive
themselves and others more accurately, (b) gain awareness of their
degree of power and influence, and (c) deepen self- compassion and
compassion for others (Duffey & Haberstroh, 2012). DRC is
significantly informed by relational-cultural theory (RCT) and
influenced by the Enneagram personality typology, cognitive
theories, and narrative theories. We provide a review of RCT and a
brief summary of how the other theories influenced the development
of DRC. These summaries give context to the rationale and structure
of DRC and its application with male clients. For a more thorough
review of each of these theories, the reader is referred to Jordan
(2010), Beck (2011), White and Epston (1990), Daniels and Price
(2000), Duffey and Haberstroh (2011), Riso and Hudson (2000), and
Palmer (1996).
Men in CounselingAlthough men seek counseling services for
myriad reasons, they tend to be less inclined to attend counseling
than are
Thelma Duffey and Shane Haberstroh, Department of Counseling,
University of Texas at San Antonio. Correspondence concerning this
article should be addressed to Thelma Duffey, Department of
Counseling, University of Texas at San Antonio, 501 West Cesar
Chavez Boulevard, San Antonio, TX 78207 (e-mail:
[email protected]).
Developmental Relational Counseling: Applications for Counseling
MenThelma Duffey and Shane Haberstroh
Developmental relational counseling (DRC) is a conceptual model
designed to help people gain a deeper awareness of their relational
functioning. DRC is informed by relational-cultural theory and
influenced by the Enneagram personal-ity typology and cognitive and
narrative theories. This article outlines the DRC model in
counseling practice with men. Men involved in counseling services
may use this approach to expand their personal awareness and
promote mutual understanding in their relationships.
Keywords: counseling men, developmental relational counseling,
relational-cultural theory, Enneagram personality, creativity in
counseling
women (Kakhnovets, 2011; Mahalik, Good, & Englar-Carl-son,
2003). Given that some men are reluctant to seek help when
experiencing distress, they are more likely to experience
isolation, which may result in greater mortality and lower quality
of life (Bonhomme, 2007). Reasons for male help seeking range from
personal concerns; relationship issues; family dynamics; career
situations; and various developmen-tal, transitional, and, at
times, debilitating crises (Mahalik et al., 2003). Although some
men enter counseling voluntarily, other men do so in response to
partner or family urging, or they are mandated by courts or human
resource departments to attend counseling. As men navigate these
experiences, many also negotiate relationships with partners,
family members, coworkers, and friends (Greif, 2006).
Societal expectations of masculine self-sufficiency can
complicate matters for some men (Mahalik et al., 2003), making
support seeking and sharing of personal experiences challenging. At
the same time, making oneself amenable to support and appropriate
self-disclosure is an important as-pect of deepened intimacy and
increasing well-being (Uysal, Lin, Knee, & Bush, 2012).
Developing these capacities is an important relational skill to
explore in the counseling setting.
Counseling work with men is unique in some aspects (Good &
Robertson, 2010). Counselors who effectively work with men seek to
understand the unique social and cultural factors that influence
masculinity (Englar-Carlson & Shepard, 2005). They work to
clearly understand their male clients and their experiences (Good
& Robertson, 2010). Counselors also appreciate the strengths of
their male clients and the value of many socially sanctioned
masculine norms (Kiselica & Englar-Carlson, 2010), while
challenging male clients to develop greater relational awareness
and consideration of themselves and others (Jordan, 2010).
Counselor genuine-
-
Journal of Counseling & Development January 2014 Volume 92
105
Developmental Relational Counseling: Applications for Counseling
Men
ness, poise, and use of action-oriented strategies may help men
assuage their preconceptions of counseling (Good & Robertson,
2010; Kiselica & Englar-Carlson, 2010).
Masculinity is clearly a facet of a mans development and is a
compelling influence in the counseling relation-ship
(Englar-Carlson & Shepard, 2005; Shepard, 2005). Traditional,
and perhaps stereotypical, views of masculinity characterize men as
enduring, action oriented, and challenged to express emotions and
vulnerabilities (Shepard, 2005). Although many men are encouraged
through socialization to meet these masculine norms, most men do
not (Smiler, 2004). Thus, masculinity itself is a multifaceted
concept, and men vary in their responses to this socialization.
Counselors who seek to understand their male clients as unique
human beings while being aware of the multifaceted aspects of
masculinity can better conceptualize their clients needs and
respond with accurate and genuine empathy. Therefore, (a) accurate
empathic listening, (b) conceptualization of clients as unique
individuals, (c) discussion of the goals and process of counseling,
and (d) relating from a collaborative stance are fundamental
counseling practices that work well with men (Good & Robertson,
2010; Englar-Carlson & Shepard, 2005; Shepard, 2005). In
addition, the following are principles, distilled from the
literature, that describe additional consid-erations for work with
men (Englar-Carlson & Shepard, 2005; Good & Robertson,
2010; Shepard, 2005):
1. Understand masculinity and societal expectations for men. 2.
Recognize that some men may belong to a dominant
gender group and a disenfranchised group concur-rently (e.g., a
homeless man).
3. Normalize mens experiences, socialization, and the counseling
process.
In summary, men develop within diverse contexts. These contexts
are multidimensional and include social, historical, familial,
geographical, and socioeconomic factors. Thus, mens needs,
capacities, expectations of power, vulnerabil-ity, and
relationships vary. It is important for professional counselors to
work from paradigms that support mens ca-pacity to develop a
balanced self-perception, incorporate interpersonal feedback, and
compassionately consider their needs and the needs of others. The
DRC model provides a structure for counselors to conceptualize mens
growth through the self-awareness they derive from their
interactions and relationships.
DRC With MenDRC considers how self-awareness and deepened
understand-ing of others develop. It provides context for how
relational connections are formed and illustrates the role of
feedback and awareness in the connection and disconnection process.
Figure 1 provides a graphical overview of the DRC model. DRC
focuses on human growth across several spectrums. Key
concepts in the DRC continuum include awareness of oneself and
other people, connection and disconnection, perspective taking, and
integration of feedback (Duffey & Haberstroh, 2012). Connection
is a fundamental concept in DRC. In the DRC framework and within
the context of this article, men connect to one of three broad
perspectives on the basis of their level of personal awareness,
relational maturity, and understanding of others. These
perspectives are identified as (a) the self-denigrating
perspective, (b) the clear and balanced perspective, and (c) the
self-aggrandizing perspective. When a man is connected to a
self-denigrating or self-aggrandizing perspective, he loses
connection to a clear and balanced perspective of himself and
others. As a result, he runs the risk of disconnecting from
authentic relationships and losing opportunities for relational
mutuality. Therefore, therapeutic goals in DRC involve using
feedback to help men connect to a clear and balanced perspective of
themselves and other people and develop mutually empathic
relationships (Jordan, 2010).
Theoretical InfluencesDRC was founded on concepts from the
Enneagram, cognitive therapies, and narrative therapies and was
based on RCT. This integration of ideas illustrates the interplay
between relational contexts and the development of personal
awareness and deepened awareness of others. DRC integrates the
intraper-sonal and interpersonal components of self-understanding
to include the (a) accuracy of awareness, (b) perspectives to which
one connects, (c) integration of feedback, and (d) use of power in
relation to others.
RCT RCT is a model of human development first introduced by Jean
Baker Miller (1976) and colleagues at the Jean Baker Miller
Training Institute at Wellesley College. RCT is a life span model
that discusses the role of context and how human growth occurs in
relationship with others. This model provides a paradigm shift from
the traditional models of development that emphasize individuation
and separation as central to hu-man development (Jordan, 2010;
Miller, 1976).
According to RCT, isolation is a painful source of human
disconnection (Comstock et al., 2008; Duffey & Somody, 2011;
Jordan, 2010; Walker, 2004). Therefore, helping cli-ents move out
of a place of isolation is a primary counseling goal. RCT also
acknowledges the role of power and privi-lege and the diversity
that exists within society, including within-group and
between-group factors related to gender, race, ethnicity,
socioeconomics, sexual orientation, and religion (Comstock et al.,
2008; Duffey & Somody, 2011; Jordan, 2010). RCT counselors
consider these and other sociopolitical dynamics in their work.
When working with men, an RCT-focused counselor seeks to explore
dynamics such as power, privilege, connection, and mutual empathy
to guide counseling and other relationships in mens lives (Vasquez,
2006).
-
Journal of Counseling & Development January 2014 Volume
92106
Duffey & Haberstroh
Fundamental RCT Beliefs According to RCT theorists, connection
is an innate need (Jordan, 2010). However, there are times when
individuals assume attitudes and engage in behaviors (also known as
strategies of disconnection) that distance them from others and
keep them from experiencing the connections they want (Jordan,
2010). RCT refers to this experience as the central relational
paradox. For example, Brad, 23, and a recent col-lege graduate,
believes that his brother, who is starting a new business, is
receiving an unfair fi nancial advantage from his parents. Brad
paid for college on his own and does not un-
derstand why his brother, who did not fi nish college and has
been unsuccessful in business, is receiving support. Feeling
uncomfortable and convincing himself he does not need this
uncomfortable situation in his life, Brad withdraws from his
family. In his withdrawal, he may communicate indifference toward
his family or a lack of care. In reality, the motivat-ing factors
behind Brads withdrawal have little to do with feeling genuine
indifference. Rather, Brad is uncomfortable discussing his concerns
with his family. He does not want to appear petty or jealous and is
upset with himself when he experiences these feelings. Despite
Brads often unspoken
FiGurE 1Developmental relational Counseling: The Spectrum of
Self-understanding in relation to Others
Self-Aggrandizing Perspective
confi dentconfi dent
-
-
Other
Others
-
Journal of Counseling & Development January 2014 Volume 92
107
Developmental Relational Counseling: Applications for Counseling
Men
desire to feel connected to his family and to truly believe that
he matters, Brad withdraws further. Brads strategy of
disconnectionwithdrawalbecomes chronic, and in time, Brad
experiences a quiet and unspoken feeling of loneliness.
Unfortunately, when people do not represent themselves genuinely
in relationships, they often conceal salient parts of their
experiences (Jordan, 2010). In this case, Brad hid the fact that he
resented the financial support his brother enjoyed. He also hid
feeling taken for granted by his family. According to RCT, when
important aspects of peoples experiences are habitually hidden,
individuals may become increasingly dis-connected from themselves
and others. When these strategies become chronic, people may enter
into a state RCT refers to as condemned isolation (Miller et al.,
2004; Miller & Stiver, 1995). Conversely, as people more fully
represent what they think, need, and feel in important
relationships, they become increasingly authentic and move out of
isolation (Miller & Stiver, 1995). In Brads case, it was
important for him to come to terms with his expectations of his
parents and to acknowl-edge his awkward feelings related to his
brothers position as a prodigal son. In counseling, he came to see
that his feelings were motivated not simply by his familys
financial support of his brother, but also by his perception that
because Brad was self-sufficient, he did not need their support or
appreciation. Brads socialization as a strong, independent man was
in direct conflict with these feelings. Sorting through his
feelings in ways that supported reentry into his family was an
important step in his work. Although the goal of RCT is mutual
growth and connection, this theory acknowledges that disconnections
are a natural part of the growth process. Such was the case with
Brad.
According to RCT, prior relationship experiences often serve as
a relational template, leading people to expect cur-rent and future
relationships to follow the template. Miller and Stiver (1995)
defined these expectations as relational images. Relational images
are schemas that create expectations of what relationships will
look like and how people in relationships will respond. These
expectations guide peoples interpreta-tions of others behaviors and
the interpersonal dynamics they experience. Brads relational images
involved seeing himself as invulnerable and ultimately in control
of situations that affect him. Feeling vulnerable and jealous of
his brother suggested weakness and triggered feelings of shame.
Brads pattern of behaving when he experienced shame was to
passively punish the other person through his withdrawal and
rejection. In time, Brad would reframe his positive experiences and
memories into pejorative ones. This would help him remain
disconnected from the other person, feel justified in his decision,
and appear seemingly in control. This disconnection generally
reinforced Brads relational image that people would disappoint him.
To maintain his relational image of himself as a person who asserts
his power and has control in his relationships, Brad would have to
ultimately reject the conflicted relationship.
Counselors can use RCT principles to help men distinguish their
relational images from their actual experiences. Men then
have an opportunity to deepen and clarify their perspectives,
which can support their relational resiliency. According to RCT,
resilience is more than a quality of personal strength; it is a
re-lational dynamic. Relational resiliency involves the capacity to
form connections, [make] reconnections, and resist disconnec-tion
(Jordan, 2005, p. 83) in the face of adversity and involves both
maturity and mutuality. According to Jordan (2010), mutual-ity and
maturity are critical to growth-fostering relationships. In Brads
case, he was able to connect with his feelings of rejection, anger,
and disappointment within his family. Although his family did not
easily understand Brads concerns, they were eventually able to do
so. Brad was also able to deepen his understanding of the various
contexts and experiences of others. The therapeutic connection
provided an avenue for Brad to reconnect, not only with his
experience but also with his family.
RCT and Men RCT scholars first examined the complexities of
womens development and the experiences of subjugated groups
(Jor-dan, 2010). Although RCT was designed to explore womens growth
in relationships, RCT also discusses the role of growth-fostering
relationships in the developing male (Dooley & Fedele, 2004;
Duffey & Somody, 2011; Jordan, 2010; Lombardi, 2012). Shepard
(2005) discussed the contradictory messages men receive as young
boys, and the consequences many incur as a result. According to
Shepard,
the old rules defining masculinity have created profound
dis-connections for men, which involve: (a) disconnection from
vulnerable feelings like sadness and fear, which are normal and
appropriate parts of life; (b) disconnection from nurturing,
soothing, and caregiving capacities; (c) disconnection from the
vocabulary of emotions, which many men have never adequately
learned; (d) disconnection from ones children, despite desires for
close relationships; and (e) disconnection from capacities for
intimacy, and concomitantly, disconnec-tion from those whom men
love. (p. 135)
Men develop their relational skills in various contexts. They
experience a broad range of professional and personal
relationships, which may reinforce or challenge their re-lational
templates. Men function in many roles (e.g., son, sibling, friend,
romantic partner, father, employee, employer). Within each of these
roles, men relate to others using various strategies of connection
and disconnection. Male-to-male friendship is one notable example
of how men experience relational life. In a study involving 386
men, most participants described honesty, trust, and dependability
as important man-to-man relational qualities (Greif, 2006). In
another study involving men and their female romantic partners,
attempts at what RCT would describe as mutual empathy were critical
to relational satisfaction (Cohen, Schulz, Weiss, & Waldinger,
2012). RCT is clearly an applicable framework for concep-tualizing
the male relational experience.
-
Journal of Counseling & Development January 2014 Volume
92108
Duffey & Haberstroh
How RCT Influences DRC DRC is based on the premise that context
and relational connections form the foundation by which men gain
per-sonal awareness and deepen their understanding of others. That
is, when men relate to others authentically and with consideration,
they see themselves more clearly and increase their openness to
feedback. When engaged in bidirectional empathy, men can receive
and be open to feedback about their impact on others. From a
relational context, DRC con-siders feedback as information given
from another persons range of experience and awareness. Although
the intent of some feedback can be to hurt, shame, or dismiss
another, DRC feedback is given to help individuals in a
relationship better understand each other and develop their
connection to a clear and balanced perspective of themselves and
each other. Opening oneself to feedback, within the DRC context, is
considered a caring act.
The appropriate use of relational power is central to RCT and
DRC. RCT addresses power regarding diverse relational, social, and
cultural contexts. It also describes the nuanced way people use
power with others (Jordan, 2010). According to DRC, men demonstrate
various ways of relating and using their relational power. In a
grounded theory study on relational competencies and creativity in
counseling involving 21 men (Duffey, Haberstroh, & Trepal,
2009), participants described the responsible use of power as
deepening personal and relational growth. Participants described
responsible uses of power as attending to and interact-ing with
others authentically, providing and receiving construc-tive
feedback, and sharing mutual support.
Thus, the ways that men use power demonstrate their connec-tions
with others and to the DRC perspectives. DRC purports that when men
disconnect from others and instead connect to self-aggrandizing or
self-denigrating perspectives, they lose opportunities for
relational mutuality and growth. In the first instance, men use
their power in harmful ways to exploit, dismiss, or control other
people. In the second instance, men yield their power and
responsibility to others. In each extreme, this kind of
disconnection can lead to increased isolation, emotional numb-ness,
and feelings of depression. Conversely, DRC suggests that when men
are connected to a clear and balanced perspective, they can use
their power to empower those with less power, relate with respect,
consider the influence of their actions, and seek to create
relationships that are mutually beneficial.
The Enneagram Personality Typology The Enneagram personality
typology is a system of self-discov-ery and personal growth with
roots in ancient Eastern spiritual teachings. Diverse scholars have
studied and developed En-neagram theory, particularly within the
past 3 decades (Daniels & Price, 2000; Palmer, 1996; Riso &
Hudson, 2000). The En-neagram is used as a tool to understand the
diverse expressions of human nature by describing nine fundamental
worldviews. This model provides a framework for observing peoples
auto-matic responses to lifes experiences and illustrates
productive
road maps for personal growth for each type. According to the
Enneagram, each type has a unique focus of attention and a
corresponding strategy for managing life experiences (Daniels &
Price, 2000; Palmer, 1996; Riso & Hudson, 2000). It can help
individuals increase their level of self-awareness and their
understanding of others by discovering the motivations behind their
behaviors (Daniels & Price, 2000; Palmer, 1996; Riso &
Hudson, 2000). The Enneagram also provides a framework for
increasing compassion and empathy (Duffey, Comstock, &
Reynolds, 2004). These motivations become unconsciously driven
patterns of behavior. Broadly speaking, people of the same type
have similar motivations and worldviews. However, the Enneagram
allows room for variation on the basis of indi-vidual talents,
abilities, experiences, and maturity. Furthermore, Riso and Hudson
(2000) identified a continuum of nine levels of development within
each type, making the structure of the Enneagram a popular
diagnostic tool for counselors and life coaches working with
clients motivated to deepen their self-awareness and relational
capacities.
How the Enneagram Influences DRC As previously stated, the
Enneagram personality typology is a dynamic personality theory and
speaks to core world-views, fears, and pathways for growth (Daniels
& Price, 2000; Palmer, 1996; Riso & Hudson, 2000).
Specifically, the Enneagram informed the development of the
spectrum of self-awareness in the DRC model. This spectrum
corresponds with the Enneagram levels of development. The
principles of the Enneagram also informed the notion that the
development of a clear and balanced perspective is a
multidimensional process unique to each person. Furthermore, the
Enneagram personality typology provided a nonpathological framework
for understanding dysfunction, development, and growth.
Cognitive and Narrative Approaches Generally speaking, cognitive
and narrative therapies both address the beliefs and stories that
clients use to organize their worlds (Beck, 2011). Contemporary
cognitive therapy involves helping clients assess their automatic
thoughts, the accuracy of their beliefs, and broader cognitive
schemas that have developed over time (Beck, 2011). In addition,
cognitive work can help men expand restrictive notions about
mascu-linity (Mahalik & Morrison, 2006). Cognitive and
narrative theories differ, however, in key fundamental ways.
Whereas cognitive theorists conceptualize clients concerns as
consist-ing of faulty thinking, narrative therapists consider
problems as socially constructed and best approached by
externalizing them through restorying (White & Epston,
1990).
How Narrative and Cognitive Approaches Influence DRC
The self-denigrating and self-aggrandizing perspectives mir-ror
the extremes of distorted thinking proposed by cognitive therapists
(Beck, 2011). Similarly, cognitive therapies discuss
-
Journal of Counseling & Development January 2014 Volume 92
109
Developmental Relational Counseling: Applications for Counseling
Men
how new evidence and feedback inform a mans understand-ing of
himself and others (Beck, 2011). In the DRC model, feedback is
considered evidence of ones relational func-tioning. Thus, this
evidence, when integrated, will expand a mans awareness. Unlike
cognitive therapies, DRC places irrationality in a relational sense
and externalizes (White & Epston, 1990) these thoughts and
schemas as perspectives. This model expands on traditional
cognitive approaches because it considers self-perspective in the
context of discon-nection from and connection with others. In
addition, rational self-understanding is not the final goal of DRC.
Rather than viewing a man as consumed by irrational thoughts or
unmet needs, DRC considers how a man connects in his relation-ships
and to the various perspectives that frame his personal awareness
and understanding of others.
Similar to narrative therapy, DRC externalizes many relational
and personal issues (White & Epston, 1990) as connections to
specific distorted perspectives. Unlike narra-tive therapy, where
clients are asked to name their problem, DRC names these relational
problems as connections to self-aggrandizing or self-denigrating
perspectives. In Brads case, he was upset by the extra support his
brother received and was somewhat jealous. On the one hand, he felt
capable of earning his own living and seemed to be connected to a
clear and balanced perspective of his earning power and
professional competency. However, Brad also appeared to be
connected to a self-denigrating perspective with respect to the
power or influence he held within his family. Brad ignored his
feelings of resentment and disappointment. Then, he pas-sively
related to his family members by seemingly supporting the plan to
again help his brother financially. By connecting to this
perspective and by withdrawing from his family, he lost a genuine
connection with them and the opportunity for mutual empathy. In
time, Brads family became perplexed and confused by his
absence.
Alternatively, when a man is connected to a clear and bal-anced
perspective, he is better poised to connect with others dependably.
There is little need for manipulation, passivity, aggression, or
indifference. A man connected to a clear and balanced perspective
demonstrates genuine compassion, consistency, courage, and
confidence. An important DRC goal is to help men connect to this
perspective. As observed in Brads case, once he was able to
identify his resentment and articulate it, he was better able to
come to terms with the situation. Brad did not like the facts, but
he was able to accept them by seeing the situation more clearly and
thus act with compassion toward himself and his family. He learned
to be compassionate toward himself by connecting relationally and
breaking the connection to the self-denigrating perspective. Brad
could then say what was important to him and give his family an
opportunity to respond. He also learned that compassion toward
others involved frank communication. This allowed Brad to maintain
clarity and presence rather than retreat and withdraw.
Perspectives and the Accuracy of Personal and Other
Awareness
DRC defines self-awareness as the capacity to perceive one-self
realistically, compassionately, and in relation to others. On the
basis of this capacity, male clients may connect to
self-perspectives that range in accuracy. The self-denigrating and
self-aggrandizing perspectives are based on inaccurate
self-awareness, incongruence with facts and feedback, and
distortions of ones worth and the worth of other people. Notably,
when a man connects to either of these perspectives, DRC suggests
that he disconnect from others. Alternatively, according to DRC,
when men connect to their clear and balanced self-perspectives,
they incorporate feedback to both deepen and broaden their
understanding of themselves and others. DRC contends that this
growth, which results in relationship, fosters greater confidence,
reliability, compas-sion, and courage.
The Clear and Balanced Perspective One aim of DRC is to help men
develop clarity and balance in their understanding of themselves
and others. Seeking con-nection to a balanced perspective increases
their capacity for relational objectivity. In addition, it
demonstrates realness, vulnerability, strength, and compassion. A
man connected to a clear and balanced perspective of himself and
his partner will listen to feedback and attempt to respond in a
mutually supportive manner. He recognizes both his strengths and
vulnerabilities and considers more productive ways of managing a
stated concern.
However, DRC recognizes that men are complex and
multidimensional and their connections to perspectives are often
fluid. Clear and compassionate feedback from respected others may
help them reconnect to a balanced self-perspective and
understanding of others. Mens groups may offer a context for them
to explore sharing power, developing intimacy with other men, and
gaining greater awareness (Garfield, 2010). Al-ternatively, when
men engage or collaborate in contexts (e.g., bullying, hazing,
classist) that are ridiculing, denigrating, or abusive to
themselves or others, their self-perspectives may move toward
dehumanizing extremes. When a man spends time with friends who
ridicule others who are different from them, or who make sexist or
racist comments, he may begin to connect to a self-aggrandizing
perspective. Then again, when a man is connected to a
self-denigrating perspective, he may be disturbed by his friends
comments but remain quiet. This may create conflict for him and
keep him from experiencing balance or clarity. In each of these
cases, mens perspectives position them to experience dehumanizing
extremes.
The Self-Aggrandizing Perspective Men who connect to the
self-aggrandizing perspective dehumanize themselves and others by
denying personal vulnerabilities and exploiting weakness in others.
Men who organize their lives from this perspective do so on the
basis
-
Journal of Counseling & Development January 2014 Volume
92110
Duffey & Haberstroh
of inaccurate awareness. By connecting to a basic mind-set of
preeminence and entitlement, they abuse their power, which results
in a disconnection from growth-fostering relationships (Jordan,
2010). In this case, a man may perceive vulnerability as weakness
and view control and exploitation as strength. Understanding
himself from this perspective may create an avoidance or active
resistance to feedback from others, espe-cially from those
perceived as weaker or threatening. A man connected to a
self-aggrandizing perspective may discount another persons concerns
and act without consideration for how his behaviors affect the
other person. Counseling goals for men connected to this
perspective are for them to gain a realistic appreciation for their
limitations and to value others as human beings who have unique
strengths and flaws. A man may also grow by using power
compassionately to promote and support the well-being of
others.
The Self-Denigrating Perspective Men connected to a
self-denigrating perspective may ques-tion their worth and fail to
give their own value credence. They may experience profound
loneliness because they see themselves as disconnected and
different from the rest of humanity. A man connected to this
perspective may dismiss or denounce his own worth. He may be
unaware of his worth or fail to consider how his presence would be
missed. Au-thenticity and compassion as expressed by others provide
a context that challenges the self-denigrating perspective. When
men discover that they are not alone in their flaws and mistakes,
they may move toward connecting to a more flexible and balanced
self-perspective. The task for men who have a self-denigrating
worldview is to develop balanced and compassionate beliefs of their
worth and recognize their importance and influence in their
relationships. RCT would say that these beliefs are balanced
through an individuals growth-fostering relationships with others
(Jordan, 2010).
Aspects There are many aspects to a mans life. These are defined
as a mans individualized personal, professional, and romantic
relationships; competencies; skills; and talents that occur in the
contexts of his life. For men, masculinity can be seen as an
important aspect of their lives (Good & Robertson, 2010;
Englar-Carlson & Shepard, 2005; Shepard, 2005). In DRC,
connections to the self-aggrandizing, self-denigrating, and clear
and balanced perspectives can vary with regard to spe-cific aspects
and contexts. Therefore, although a man may be connected to a
self-denigrating perspective related to one as-pect, he may be
connected to a clear and balanced perspective about other aspects
of his life. For example, a man connected to a clear and balanced
perspective of his family dynamics may also be connected to a
self-aggrandizing perspective with respect to his work
relationships and performance. This component of DRC captures the
complexity of connections and disconnection in a mans life.
Furthermore, this idea can
be used to help plan for change. That is, a counselor and male
client may (a) seek aspects where the client is connected to a
clear and balanced perspective of himself and other people, (b)
assess his connections to self-aggrandizing or self-denigrating
perspectives involving other aspects, and (c) draw on the strength
of his connection to clear and balanced perspectives as they
exist.
Feedback DRC purports that authentic feedback is essential to
relational growth and for developing a balanced perspective of
self, oth-ers, and life situations. Relationally competent men take
risks to provide others with productive feedback. They are also
open to feedback. In the DRC model, receptivity and incorporation
of feedback are central to self-awareness and authentic con-nection
with others. Still, DRC recognizes that feedback can trigger a
number of reactions. A man who seeks balance and clarity may first
experience a mix of embarrassment, anger, and defensiveness upon
receiving feedback. However, he will ultimately try to incorporate
this feedback with compassion for himself and others. From this
perspective, feedback is seen as a caring act.
In contrast, when a man is connected to an underconfident state
but seeks a balanced perspective, he may initially feel discouraged
because the feedback may seem to support his perceived flaws.
Seeking a balanced perspective allows him to reconsider that
position. Alternatively, an overconfident man who seeks a
connection to clarity and balance may first be surprised and angry
to hear others feedback. However, he may use this feedback to
rebalance his perspective. In each case, compassionate, authentic,
and honest feedback supports and reinforces the development of
flexible, accurate, and bal-anced self-perspectives.
Men connected to either extreme of the continuum are challenged
to achieve balance. Men connected to self-aggran-dizing
perspectives may experience brief moments of accurate
self-awareness during authentic feedback, moments of reflec-tion,
or loss. They may react to this accurate self-appraisal by first
denigrating themselves. Later, they may defend their
self-perceptions, dismiss the feedback, and strike out. If they
dismiss the feedback, they may then more rigidly adhere to their
aggrandized self-perspective. Confident humility may appear, to
them, as weakness. Some may choose to remain in denial of their
behaviors to avoid adjusting their behaviors and may characterize
their dismissiveness, degradation of others, control, and
exploitation as strength.
Conversely, men who connect to self-denigrating per-spectives
may focus only on the negative aspects of the feedback and minimize
supportive messages. They may become defensive and strike out
passive-aggressively if they perceive the feedback to be purposely
harmful. Some men also succumb to shame because the feedback may
buttress the idea that they are fundamentally flawed. Sometimes men
connected to a self-denigrating perspective misperceive their
-
Journal of Counseling & Development January 2014 Volume 92
111
Developmental Relational Counseling: Applications for Counseling
Men
power and misuse it with others. Hence, feedback involves a
delicate balance and must come from a place of care or it can be
unproductive. If feedback is delivered by someone the man respects,
and if he seeks self-understanding, integration of feedback is more
likely to move him toward connection to a balanced perspective.
Counselors using DRC principles provide feedback from (a) a
clear understanding of their role; (b) a compassionate
understanding of themselves and their clients; (c) a place of
genuine confidence; and (d) a sincere desire to know, under-stand,
and connect with their male clients. This is in contrast to the
expert, who can be detached, relationally discon-nected, and
superior in his or her authority. DRC purports that counseling,
when experienced in a direct, albeit restorative, context, can be a
forum for examination, reflection, connec-tion, feedback, and
integration of new learning.
DRC in Action: A Case Example In the following section, we apply
DRC in counseling work with a male client with the pseudonym
George. This case discussion includes a conceptualization of DRC
principles, the counselors role, and the process of change.
GeorgeGeorge came to counseling because he had been laid off for
failure to attend work. He gave a number of reasons for his
absences, and after several discussions, his supervisor
rec-ommended termination. George knew he had missed work,
acknowledged not liking his job, and expressed indifference toward
the termination.
George continued counseling as he sought employment. Eventually,
he was hired as a telephone marketer with a large company. Known
for his larger than life personality and quick wit, George was
surprised that his new peers and supervisors did not appreciate his
personality and expressed concern about his work. George remarked,
Im the best person there, and they all have to know it. Too bad my
group is full of douche bags.
George was upset and angered by the feedback he received and
described how diplomatic he generally was during meetings. He added
that his psychology major was a tremendous asset to him in his work
and relationships. Still, George was amazed by his supervisors and
cowork-ers inability to understand him. George spoke rapidly as he
communicated his misfortune in working with such stale, unhelpful,
and ignorant coworkers who failed to see his desirable qualities.
Truly perplexed, George was disturbed when the counselor
interjected thoughts or questions into the discussion.
DRC Conceptualization of GeorgeGeorge was connected to the
self-aggrandizing perspective related to his professional
performance and resisted feedback
from his supervisors, coworkers, and counselor. He was
chal-lenged to integrate feedback into his awareness or consider
why he sabotaged his opportunities for successful work. As a
result, he disconnected from a perspective where he could perceive
himself and others at work with accuracy and con-sideration. From
the self-aggrandizing perspective, George did not consider what it
might be like for his coworkers to carry his load when he would
regularly call in sick. George could not entertain the idea that
his performance, when he was present, was under par in some
respects. The counselor conceptualized that, at his core, George
defended against feeling shamed, experienced a lack of belonging,
and car-ried a fear that acknowledging limitation or weakness could
increase his vulnerability to attack and rejection.
For George to establish a connection to a clear and bal-anced
perspective, his goals involved (a) acknowledging his legitimate
strengths, (b) recognizing the personal value of realistic
feedback, (c) diffusing his resistance to hearing feedback that
contradicts his self-perception, (d) considering the aspects of his
life to which he connects from a clear and balanced perspective,
and (e) considering alternative perspec-tives to his current issue
and to others.
DRC recognizes that feedback can be threatening to
self-perception, pride, and a persons sense of self. To accept
feedback such as DRC proposes, clients must want to develop their
capacities to relate reliably with others, have confidence in the
counselor, and trust the counselors intentions. In this case, the
counselor reflected Georges strengths and skills and normalized the
challenge and concrete value of self-reflection and personal
awareness. For example, George had learned to relate genuinely with
his partner and children and to speak directly about unsettling
situations. Speaking in clear, nonjar-gon language, the counselor
and George discussed Georges current state and clarified his goals.
Using Figure 1, George reflected on the various aspects and
contexts of his life and identified the spectrum of his
understanding of himself and other people. As he moved toward the
center of the spectrum, George increased his potential for
self-compassion and re-spect for others.
Growth for George involved stepping back from his
self-protective patterns and allowing himself to listen to and
re-ceive feedback. Not surprisingly, George was at first resistant
to seeing a perspective that collided with his self-perception and
his perspective on the situation. However, he trusted the
counselor, who attempted to strike the balance between providing
support for George while also offering perspective shifting as a
potentially freeing and illuminating act. Through practice, George
learned to consider other peoples feedback and genuinely reflect on
the impact of his behaviors on others. Moreover, he became more
able to identify the self-protective motivations to his actions.
George had an opportunity to gain more clarity, greater
self-compassion and understanding, and a more sustainable
connection and camaraderie with his peers. This was a desire he had
often voiced.
-
Journal of Counseling & Development January 2014 Volume
92112
Duffey & Haberstroh
DiscussionMen come from a rich variety of backgrounds and
experi-ences and vary in their accuracy of self-understanding and
perspective on others. We believe that counseling can serve as a
forum for men to develop and deepen these important relational
competencies. Counselors practicing from a DRC framework strive to
help men become more realistic about their situations and identify
feedback as central to this work. At the same time, DRC recognizes
that feedback can be threatening in the best of contexts. However,
DRC posits that, when given within a trusting relationship where
mutual respect exists, feedback can be received, explored, and
integrated.
This model recognizes that some men connect to a clear and
balanced perspective of themselves and others and exemplify the
best of masculinity with their compassion and courage. However, DRC
also recognizes that other men are challenged in their
perspectives. Men entrenched in the furthest extremes of these
perspectives may not integrate feedback or value the mutual
benefits involved in egalitarian relationships.
Limitations Men connected to a self-aggrandizing perspective in
their overall management of life may be particularly challenged in
using this approach. In addition, men who connect to a
self-denigrating perspective may be equally challenged.
Further-more, some men may not want to see a concrete and visual
depiction of their relational connections and disconnections or
hear candid feedback. Finally, although there is available research
on the contributing models, this approach has emerged from our
clinical practices and has yet to develop a distinct re-search
base. Future research could explore and report on DRC training, and
clinical outcomes of DRC are needed.
ConclusionThe DRC model, as used with men, outlines a method to
conceptualize self-understanding and relationships in an integrated
fashion while considering the intersection of mas-culinity and
clients personal development. Men participating in DRC-focused
counseling are made aware that counseling will involve looking at
the presenting problem; consider-ing contributing factors,
including their role; receiving and responding to feedback;
exploring their perspectives; sifting through potential scenarios;
and taking action. The DRC model encourages men to connect to a
clear and balanced perspective of their own functioning while
considering how their perspective both shapes and is shaped by
their important relationships. To help clients connect to a clear
and balanced perspective, counselors who are cognizant of these
factors may help men evaluate the reciprocity and respect within
their relationships and deepen their accurate awareness of
themselves and those around them.
ReferencesBeck, J. (2011). Cognitive behavioral therapy: Basics
and beyond (2nd
ed.). New York, NY: Guilford Press.Bonhomme, J. J. (2007). Mens
health: Impact on women, children and
society. Journal of Mens Health & Gender, 4, 124130.
doi:10.1016/j.jmhg.2007.01.011
Cohen, S., Schulz, M. S., Weiss, E., & Waldinger, R. J.
(2012). Eye of the beholder: The individual and dyadic
contributions of empathic accuracy and perceived empathic effort to
relationship satisfaction. Journal of Family Psychology, 26,
236245. doi:10.1037/a0027488
Comstock, D. L., Hammer, T. R., Strentzsch, J. S., Cannon, K.,
Parsons, J., & Salazar, G. (2008). Relational-cultural theory:
Framework for bridging relational, multicultural, and social
justice compe-tencies. Journal of Counseling & Development, 86,
279287. doi:10.1002/j.1556-6678.2008.tb00510.x
Daniels, D., & Price, V. (2000). The essential Enneagram:
The definitive personality test and self-discovery guide. San
Francisco, CA: Harper San Francisco.
Dooley, C., & Fedele, N. M. (2004). Mothers and sons:
Raising relational boys. In J. V. Jordan, M. Walker, & L. M.
Hartling (Eds.), The com-plexity of connection: Writings from the
Stone Centers Jean Baker Miller Training Institute (pp. 220249).
New York, NY: Guilford Press.
Duffey, T., Comstock, D. L., & Reynolds, J. (2004). From
disconnections to connections: Expanding our worldviews and
relational competencies through the Enneagram personality typology.
In G. R. Walz, J. C. Bleuer, & R. K. Yep (Eds.), Ideas and
research you can use: VISTAS 2004 (pp. 237242). Alexandria, VA:
American Counseling Association.
Duffey, T., & Haberstroh, S. (2011). Helping couples
reconnect: Devel-oping relational competencies and expanding
worldviews using the Enneagram personality typology. In Ideas and
research you can use: VISTAS 2011. Retrieved from
http://counselingoutfitters.com/vistas/vistas11/Article_25.pdf
Duffey, T., & Haberstroh, S. (2012). Developmental
relational counsel-ing: A model for self-understanding in relation
to others. Journal of Creativity in Mental Health, 7, 263271.
Duffey, T., Haberstroh, S., & Trepal, H. (2009). A grounded
theory of relational competencies and creativity in counseling:
Beginning the dialogue. Journal of Creativity in Mental Health, 4,
89112. doi:10.1080/15401380902951911
Duffey, T., & Somody, C. (2011). The role of
relational-cultural theory in mental health counseling. Journal of
Mental Health Counseling, 33, 223242.
doi:10.1080/15401380902951911
Englar-Carlson, M., & Shepard, D. S. (2005). Engaging men in
couples counseling: Strategies for overcoming ambiva-lence and
inexpressiveness. The Family Journal, 13, 383391.
doi:10.1177/1066480705278467
Garfield, R. (2010). Male emotional intimacy: How therapeutic
mens groups can enhance couples therapy. Family Process, 49,
109122. doi:10.1111/j.1545-5300.2010.01311.x
Good, G. E., & Robertson, J. M. (2010). To accept a pilot?
Addressing mens ambivalence and altering their expectancies about
therapy. Psychotherapy: Theory, Research, Practice, Training, 47,
306315. doi:10.1037/a0021162
-
Journal of Counseling & Development January 2014 Volume 92
113
Developmental Relational Counseling: Applications for Counseling
Men
Greif, G. L. (2006). Male friendships: Implications from
research for family therapy. Family Therapy, 33, 115.
Jordan, J. V. (2005). Relational resilience in girls. In S.
Goldstein, & R. B. Brooks (Eds.), Handbook of resilience in
children (pp. 7990). New York, NY: Springer.
Jordan, J. V. (2010). Relational-cultural therapy. Washington,
DC: American Psychological Association.
Kakhnovets, R. (2011). Relationships among personality,
expecta-tions about counseling, and help-seeking attitudes. Journal
of Counseling & Development, 89, 1119.
Kiselica, M. S., & Englar-Carlson, M. (2010). Identifying,
affirm-ing, and building upon male strengths: The Positive
Psychology/Positive Masculinity model of psychotherapy with boys
and men. Psychotherapy: Theory, Research, Practice, Training, 47,
276287. doi:0.1037/a0021159
Lombardi, K. S. (2012). The mama boys myth: Why keeping our sons
close keeps them stronger. New York, NY: Avery.
Mahalik, J. R., Good, G. E., & Englar-Carlson, M. (2003).
Masculin-ity scripts, presenting concerns, and help seeking:
Implications for practice and training. Professional Psychology:
Research and Practice, 34, 123131.
doi:10.1037/0735-7028.34.2.123
Mahalik, J. R., & Morrison, J. A. (2006). A cognitive
therapy ap-proach to increasing father involvement by changing
restrictive masculine schemas. Cognitive and Behavioral Practice,
13, 6270. doi:10.1016/j.cbpra.2005.02.001
Miller, J. B. (1976). Toward a new psychology of women (2nd
ed.). Boston, MA: Beacon Press.
Miller, J. B., Jordan, J. V., Stiver, I. P., Walker, M., Surrey,
J. L., & Eldridge, N. S. (2004). Therapists authenticity. In J.
Jordan, M. Walker, & L. Hartling (Eds.), The complexity of
connection (pp. 6489). New York, NY: Guilford Press.
Miller, J. B., & Stiver, I. P. (1995). Relational images and
their mean-ings in psychotherapy (Working Paper Series, Work in
Progress, No. 74). Wellesley, MA: Stone Center.
Palmer, H. (1996). The Enneagram in love and work:
Understand-ing your intimate and business relationships. New York,
NY: HarperCollins.
Riso, D. R., & Hudson, R. (2000). Understanding the
Enneagram: The practical guide to personality types (Rev. ed.). New
York, NY: Houghton Mifflin.
Shepard, D. (2005). Male development and the journey toward
dis-connection. In D. Comstock (Ed.), Diversity and development:
Critical contexts that shape our lives and relationships (pp.
133160). Pacific Grove, CA: Brooks/Cole Thompson Learning.
Smiler, A. P. (2004). Thirty years after the discovery of
gender: Psychological concepts and measures of masculinity. Sex
Roles, 50, 1526.
Uysal, A., Lin, H. L., Knee, C. R., & Bush, A. L. (2012).
The association between self-concealment from ones partner and
relationship well-being. Personality and Social Psychology, 38,
3951. doi:10.1177/0146167211429331
Vasquez, M. J. T. (2006). Counseling men: Perspectives and
experi-ences of a woman of color. In M. Englar-Carlson & M. A.
Stevens (Eds.), In the room with men: A casebook of therapeutic
change (pp. 241255). Washington, DC: American Psychological
As-sociation. doi:10.1037/11411-012
Walker, M. (2004). How relationships heal. In M. Walker & W.
B. Rosen (Eds.), How connections heal: Stories from
relational-cultural therapy (pp. 321). New York, NY: Guilford
Press.
White, M., & Epston, D. (1990). Narrative means to
therapeutic ends. New York, NY: Norton.