8/3/2019 Dennis & Dee Mourn Steve Jobs http://slidepdf.com/reader/full/dennis-dee-mourn-steve-jobs 1/23 Dennis & Dee Mourn Steve Jobs By Shyam Popat It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia spec script Copyright 2011 Shyam Popat [email protected]07912623323
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CHARLIEI just don’t get why you wouldwanna watch movies about a bunch offoreign people. I mean, what dothey have that you can’t get inAmerica?
MACThey’re Chinese or something, OK?And they do karate and jiu jitsuand kung fu and it’s awesome.
CHARLIEOK, that’s awesome, I get that, butwhat about the bits in between? Yougotta read all those subtitles andwait so long for the next kick-assfight. That can last, like, tenminutes man.
MACStory is important, Charlie. Itsets up dramatic tension so thatwhen the sweet moves come back on
we’re super pumped, because we’vebeen so bored for so long.
CHARLIEOh, that kinda makes sense...
Charlie and Mac enter the bar. It is dimly lit, with candlessupplying the only light. Patrons are scattered around.DENNIS and DEE stand, in silence, turned away from the frontdoor, looking down. Dennis wears a black turtleneck, Dee ablack dress. Dee cries, her make-up running over her cheeks.Mac and Charlie walk to them.
DENNISYeah, but then that goddamn pussynerd Bill Gates stole all of his
computer ideas and all that moneyand then gave it all to charity.
DEEPussy nerd!
Mac turns on the lights. Many in the bar cower in pain, andsquint. Mac proceeds to blow out many of the candles andgoes behind the bar. Charlie examines them.
MACYou guys are so goddamnpredictable. You idiots can waste
your time with this bullshit, but Iam opening the bar.
CHARLIEHey, the candles smell better whenthey’re not burning! These thingsare amazing!
Charlie walks out of shot.
DENNISIf you will have used your stupidfat eyes, you’d have noticed that
the bar is already open.
DEECan’t you see all of these sad,pathetic people in here?
MACYou were having a wake in the bar,Dee. It’s getting everyone down.
FRANKWe’re not gonna kill ’em! We’rejust gonna go find ’em! What thisother guy does to them isn’t ourproblem!
DENNISWhat do you mean? This guy’s gonnakill them!
FRANKOh, don’t be so dramatic. They’lljust... rough ’em up a little,that’s all.
Beat.
MACI’m OK with that.
DENNISWhat!?
MACLook, I need the money right now,OK? I’ve got a little bit ofdebt... and my diet is not cheap.
DEEOh, does all your food come fromhealth shops, Mac?
CHARLIENo, Frank, I like the sound ofmessing with some tourists. I mean,we don’t want any outside folkshere anyway, right? I mean, inthose movies, and it takes foreverto get to the fight scenes, theyjust yap, yap, yap. All thoseforeigners?
Charlie takes another bite.
DEEYour family’s from Ireland,Charlie.
CHARLIEWhat the hell are you saying? Myfamily is American, Dee. And welive in America, OK? We have thefreedom to do whatever we want. We
MACLet’s throw that idea out. Throwthose kinds of ideas straight out.
FRANKCharlie’s right. He’s the only one
doing the thinking here.
MACAlright, alright! What about ...Chinatown?
FRANKMy guy wants tourists, he doesn’twant immigrants! It’s not the same!
CHARLIELittle Italy?
FRANKOh, no. I’m not getting involvedwith the mob again. That shit getshairy, fast. They locked me up in acloset for three days! I had to eatwhatever I found in my bellybutton!
MACYou can’t wait three days beforeyou dig around in your goddamnbelly button, Frank? That’sdisgusting.
CHARLIEDo people perhaps like to tortureold ladies?
MAC(to Frank)
My Chinatown idea was better thanthat one!
CHARLIEI’m just saying, I know a knittingcircle...
FRANKListen, Mac, I told ya already.We’re just gonna give them over tosome guy, and then we’re done withit. We’re not a guilty party, here.Our hands are clean!
MACOK...
Frank turns to the door again. Interrupted, he turns back.
MACAnd... we get some of this money,right?
FRANKIt’s a complicated situation, Mac.There’s bank transfers andlaundering and... y’know.
CHARLIEIf we’re gonna get somebodymurdered, I want to see some vigaction.
MACNo-one’s getting murdered, Charlie.And, Frank, you don’t have to tellus amounts just yet. I just wannaknow so I don’t worry.
Dennis and Dee sit on couches, in between them is a table.Their hair is ruffled, they have visibly not slept. Both areusing their iPads, coffee cups and food packages lay strewnacross the table. A WAITRESS walks to the two.
WAITRESSHello again.
They do not respond.
WAITRESS
Guys, I’m gonna have to ask you tokeep this area clean. I’ve warnedyou about this already.
Dennis waves her away. Insulted, she stays.
WAITRESSHey! What do you people thinkyou’re doing?
Dee looks up at her, then over to Dennis, who proceeds tolook up too. They put down their iPads.
DENNISLady, we are in mourning. We aremourning the death of an Americanhero.
DEEHis name was Steve Jobs. Do youeven know who that is?
DENNISOf course she doesn’t. She’s awaitress. Do you think she’seducated?
Frank, Mac and Charlie stand in a corridor, its walls linedwith boards and notices. A typical college hallway. Charlieand Mac walk together, looking vigilant, as Frank examinesthe walls and looks inside rooms alone.
CHARLIESo this is what a college lookslike, huh? It’s not what I wasexpecting.
MACWhat exactly were you looking for?
CHARLIEFree drinks? Butlers? Expensivefood and hot women and a fireplacemaybe? And wood, like, lining the
walls, lots of wood.
MACCharlie, that sounds like a countryclub.
CHARLIEI mean, it costs so much to gohere. This place isn’t that nice.It reminds me of my apartmentbuilding.
MAC
This place is nothing like that.
CHARLIEIt’s kinda like that.
MACThe smell, specifically, is verydifferent.
CHARLIEYeah, this place smells different.
MACIt’s almost like it’s been cleaned.
CHARLIEThat does seem to be the case.
Charlie licks a wall, out of curiosity, as Frank returns tothe group, defeated.
FRANKThis place is a goddamn ghost town.There’s no-one here!
MACThis one might be my fault, guys.I’m pretty sure it’s Spring Break
right now.
FRANKGoddammit, Mac! Well, now what arewe gonna do?
Charlie takes another bite out of his candle, as Mac looksaround frantically.
CHARLIEShoulda asked those gay guys.
MAC
Wait, wait! I got it!
Mac rips off a flyer from the wall. Mac gives it to Frank.
FRANKFree English language classesoffered to affiliate students overSpring Break, room 2.04, Wednesdaysand Fridays, 2pm.
He looks up at Mac.
FRANKThat’ll do.
EXT. COLLEGE COURTYARD
Frank stands, waiting by his car. A door opens, and studentsof all races begin to pour out. Mac and Charlie leave, asMac has his arm over the shoulder of ASIF, a thin, Arabicman of around 20. Mac leads him to Frank.
FRANKWhat is this guy, Mexican?
CHARLIENo, he’s a gypsy.
MACNo, he’s Egyptian. This is our newfriend, Asif. He’s looking for sometemp work, and we own a bar, so hecan work at the bar, right, Frank?
Frank and Mac stand in the office, speaking in hushed tones.Charlie and Asif sit in the bar, visibly bonding. Frankholds a bottle of pills, and some yarn.
FRANK
OK, here’s the plan. You put thisroofie in the towelhead’s drink,he’s out, cold. We tie him up withsome of this yarn that Charlie gotfrom his knitting circle, then Icall my guy and tell him we’ve gothim some nice fresh meat to playwith.
MACWhy do you keep calling him ’meat’?Is he gonna die, Frank? Tell me thetruth.
FRANKOK, yeah. He’s gonna die.
MACOh, Frank. Frank. You know I can’tlet you do this.
Beat.
FRANKHow much?
MAC500.
FRANKDone.
MAC(excitedly)
Alright!
Mac jumps out of the office into the bar. Frank follows, andlocks the office. He takes the key and puts it on the bar.
Charlie bites his candle.
CHARLIEEh, what’s up, Mac?
FRANK(to Asif)
So, you want a job, huh? I thinkwe’ve got something for ya.
CHARLIEWho cares if he doesn’t want it?This is America!
ASIFI don’t want your beer!
Mac lunges forwards with the bottle.
MACDrink it, you bastard!
CHARLIEI’ll drink it, alright!?
Charlie rips the bottle from Mac’s hand and begins to chugthe beer. Frank and Mac jump at him, trying desperately tostop him. Charlie finishes it, and burps. He places it backon the bar, victoriously.
Mac jumps desperately for Asif, who dodges and grabs theempty bottle. He smashes it on Charlie’s head and uses theother half as a weapon. He slashes at Mac, and advances onthe group, who are forced to retreat into the office. Theyall yell, indiscriminately. Frank’s key drops on the floor.Asif bangs the door closed, and locks it with Frank’s key,
leaving the key in the door. He proceeds to run out of thebar.
FRANKOh, no! My key! He got my key!
MACDid he lock it? Did he lock us in?
FRANKHe locked us in!
CHARLIEMy head!
FRANKHe got Charlie!
INT. COFFEE SHOP
Dennis and Dee still sit, on their iPads. The surroundingenvironment is completely destroyed, with spilt coffee, foodand packaging everywhere. They are silent. A WAITRESS walksto the two, alongside the MANAGER.
MANAGERExcuse me, it has come to myattention that you have beeninsulting my staff. I’m going tohave to ask you to please leave.
They do not respond. The MANAGER puts his hands over theiriPads.
The two look up sharply, their eyes narrow and evil.
EXT. STREET
Dennis and Dee walk down the street, iPads out. They tapaway furiously.
DENNISSo we’re no longer welcome in thatcoffee place.
DEEThere’s plenty of coffee places.
DENNISI’ve found thirteen in this zip
code alone.
DEEWell, they just lost some very goodbusiness.
DENNISThere’s one on this block. Followme.
They turn down an alleyway. RICKETY CRICKET appears, knifein hand.
RICKETY CRICKETGive ’em here. Give them to me!Now!
DENNISHey! Rickety Cricket! What are youdoing with that knife?
DEEAre you gonna stab us, Cricket?
RICKETY CRICKETOh, Sweet Dee. I won’t stab you,don’t worry.
Beat. Rickety Cricket stabs Dennis. Dee screams as he ripsthe iPad from her hands, while Dennis screeches in pain. HisiPad is taken, too. Rickety Cricket runs away. The two areleft screaming - Dennis on the ground, holding his wound;Dee grieving her loss. She raises her hands to the sky.
Inside the office, Frank and Mac lie, their shirts lifted toreveal their stomachs. Mac roots around his belly button asFrank licks his own fingers. Charlie sits on the chair,half-eaten candle in hand, multiple wicks on the desk. Hishead has been crudely bandaged with newspaper.
CHARLIEI can’t believe you won’t try thesecandles. They’re delicious.
MACShut up, Charlie.
Mac looks at his finger, and licks it. Charlie takes out thebottle of pills and drinks from it.
CHARLIEThey go really well with thesepills, Mac. You shouldn’t judgethem without trying.
Dennis and Dee enter the empty bar. Glass is strewn on thebar, some on the floor.
DEEWatch out. Don’t walk too fast.
DENNISI can’t believe those guys didn’tcome and visit me. I was in thehospital for days, goddamn it. Nothours, days!
He winces from the pain.
DEELook at this mess. Where are those
bastards?
DENNISCheck the office.
Dee walks towards the office door and unlocks it. The dooropens, and they stare at each other. Beat.