Daily exasperation, typically used in IRC. Monday, 16 ...

It was reported earlier today by second-year MTU student Peter Jurica shortly after that walked by him that he would totally hit “that”.

“Dude, you see what I’m seeing?” Jurica asked, gesturing to-wards that. “I would totally hit that.”Jurica’s deeming of “that” as sexually acceptable came unpro-voked during his sociology class, moments after locking his gaze upon “that”.

“I’m glad that [Jurica] revealed to me, if given the opportunity, would engage in sexual intercourse with that over there with red hair and glasses,” Jurica’s roommate Joshua Mazure said. “No, not her, that’s a total chub monster. The one in the green shirt. Yeah, that’s the one.”

Jurica went on to support his decision by describing the spe-cific traits possessed by “that” which he found beneficial.

“Just look at that ass… Dat ass doe,” Jurica said. “And would

In a move that shocked many students, IT has de-cided to make Michigan Tech a “Technology-Free Campus”. Rumors about the changes to computer labs have been circulating for a while, but no one could have expected such an extreme change so quickly.

“We were getting so much hate mail every day with people complaining about their labs being taken away,” one representative from IT states, “So we just decided to shut everyone up by getting rid of all the computers. Now it doesn’t seem so bad, does it?” IT plans to take away all university-owned computers and computer-related tech-nology on campus, along with shutting off the MTU Wi-Fi.

Many university executive board members support this decision. “I remember the good ol’ days when we used to use our abacuses and slide rules and turned in our essays using the reliable pick and slate. Why can’t these kids appreciate their education without being wired up 24/7?” a crotchety, elderly board member says right before breaking his hip.

With the Wi-Fi turned off on campus, many students are entering a stage of early insanity. One girl tells The Bull “With all the Wi-Fi turned off, how am I supposed to upload this selfie onto Insta-gram?” She cries into her Starbucks latte and wipes her tears with her purse Chihuahua.

Though the computers were just recently taken away, there are already very noticeable changes.

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Monday, 16 September 2013asdfjkl; (noun): a sign of extreme exasperation, typically used in IRC.

War has changed. It’s no longer about nations, ideologies, or ethnicity. It’s an endless series of proxy battles fought by mercenaries and machines. War, and its consumption of life, has become a well-oiled machine. War has changed. ID-tagged soldiers carry ID-tagged weapons, use ID-tagged gear...The age of deterrance has become the age of control. all in the name of averting catastrophe from

weapons of mass destruction. and he who controls the battlefield controls history. -- MGS4

Student Would Totally Hit ThatIT Removes all Computers from

MTU Campusby Rico Bastian~ Usurer by Veronica Tabor ~ Daily Bull

theDailyBull

see Nuka Cola on back

see Sunset Sarsparilla on back

Doku

Area freshman still calling it the “Ee-Ee-Arr-Cee,” no end in sight . . . . . Math dept. starts MA 9002: Techniques for Dividing by Zero . . . . . Lode vows to spell things right this year; Bull skeptical

Civil Eng. senior already drinking in celebration of Winter Carnival . . . . . Study: ‘The’ U of M students have increased risk of stick-in-ass syndrome . . . . . That Kid ruins grading curve again

Bull still seeking new recuirts, resorting to miserable and pathetic forms of begging . . . . . Mind Trekkers to take 150 volunteers to moon for alien outreach . . . . . TLP, Les Cook get hair cuts

gimcrack (JIM-krak): adj. - cheap and tasteless; gaudy. See also: Crocs, Mardi Gras, Lady Gaga, Hawaiian t-shirts, the (former) Backroom.

logorrhea (log-ah-REE-ah) n. - excessive, often incoherent talkativeness. “My World Cultures professor has a serious case of logorrhea... zzz...”

ambisinister (am-bee-SIN-is-ter) adj. - inept with both hands. “Rather like your mother, Trebek. Now, I’ll take The Penis Mightier for $400!”

funambulist (fyoo-NAM-byah-list) n. - a tightrope walker. Have you seen all the funambulators between trees on campus funabulating?

omniumgatherum (OM-nee-um-GATH-er-um) n. a misc. collection; hodgepodge. Omniumgatherum is an omniumgatherum of letters.

CS funk continues to worsen in Rekhi; CDC to investigate health risks . . . . . Boy Scouts introduce ‘Bulky and Awkward Grocery Bag Carrying’ merit badge . . . . . Breaking news: exams still suck

For example, the entire Computer Science department was forced to transfer to Northern. The Computer Science Learn-ing Community has been transformed into the Art Apprecia-tion Learning Community, which is perfectly suited for the new Art department that is moving in to replace technology-de-pendent departments.

“That’s all of them,” one disgruntled student complains. But through all of this turmoil, one positive new change will occur: The printers will remain intact and the cost of color printing has been reduced to 24 cents a sheet, because everyone loves dealing with pennies.

There are also current plans to rename Michigan Tech “Michi-gan Basket Weaving University” or MBU, for short. When these changes will take place is still up in the air, but if they go as fast as the current changes being made to the library, none of us should have to worry about it before we graduate.

from Nuka Cola on front

GREAT SON OF LIFE GRAND VIZIER

SECRETARIATAlex Dinsmoor

Typewriter Monkeys: Liz ‘Riz’ Fujita, Nathan ‘Invincible’ Miller, Jeanine Chmielewski, Jeremy ‘Mr. Sunshine’ Loucks, Sam Schall, Veronica Tabor, Chase Peterson, Corey Tindall, Theresa Tran, Abigail Skibowski, Evan Krettek, and GlaDoS.

Rico Bastian

©2013 by the Daily Bull, a non-profit organization. All rights reserved. Articles may be freely distributed electronically or on late night talk shows provided credit is given, and that this notice is included. The Daily Bull reserves the right to refuse any advertisements or articles without reason. All letters sent to the editor (on paper or to [email protected]) will be treated as material to be published unless expressly stated otherwise by the sender. Original works printed in the Daily Bull remain the property of the creator, however the Daily Bull reserves the right to reprint any submissions in future issues unless specifically asked not to do so by the creator. All opinions presented are purely those of the writer and do not reflect the opinions of the University or the Daily Bull. If you keep reading this small text, you’ll go to SPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACE!

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you say those are double D’s? Da-Damn.”Upon learning of Jurica’s willingness to have coition with “that”, others at the table revealed their own possible desire to do the same.

“After hearing Peter’s case for why he would join with that in a lovemaking session, I feel as though I too would do the same,” Kyle Glasper responded. “I would indeed take that to pound town.”

However, some questions arise as to whether or not Jurica would indeed copulate with “that” as he claims he would.

“I just don’t know, I mean, [Jurica] hasn’t exactly been consis-tent,” Housemate Alex Piotrowski said. “Just yesterday during lunch, he was telling us how he would like to fornicate with a blonde “that” in yoga pants. Something’s just not adding up here.”

Despite some vocalizations of doubtful speculation, the vast majority of those at the table believed Jurica’s statements.

“I do not know whether or not Peter will actively pursue even a conversation with that,” Jurica’s friend Brendan Wayward said, “But I can say with confidence that if “that” were to come up to him and request to be carnal with him, he would consent to it.”

from Sunset Sarsparilla on front

Week 3 Career Development Education

Companies par cipa ng at these events this week campus this week:

MadLib in Brief!Together the (NOUN) Act of 1916 and the (NOUN) Act of 1916 culminated two decades

of (ADJECTIVE) but consistent growth and (ADJECTIVE) of the American armed forces. Certainly

the two acts appalled (NOUN) and (PROPER NOUN), primarily because they (PAST TENSE VERB)

the legislation was a frightening national affirmation of (NOUN). Some believed peacetime (NOUN)

would soon follow. As (PLURAL NOUN) of all persuasions debated the meaning of the acts, Ger-

man submarines prepared to resume unrestricted warfare. As silent and (ADJECTIVE) as a running

torpedo the European war (VERB) a United States rich with paper plans and woefully unprepared

for an unseen war.

To complete the following MadLib, you’ll need:

Something to write with.Basic Vocabulary

7 Nouns3 Adjectives

2 Verbs