Crucial Conversations 2017 Employee Engagement & Development Department of Human Resources
Crucial Conversations
Best Practice Strategies for
Resolving Issues in the Workplace
January 26, 2017
Agenda
• Welcome & Introductions
• Warm-up Activity
• Crucial/Difficult Conversation Overview
• Preparing for the Conversation
• Steps for a Successful Outcome
– Small Group Activity – Various Scenarios
• Closing the Conversation
• Some Additional Strategies
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Warm-up Activity
• What types of issues/situations may lead to
difficult conversations in the workplace?
• From your perspective, what factors make these
conversations difficult?
What Makes a Conversation
Crucial/Difficult?
• Conversations we find hard to talk about with
another person:
– Emotions are high
– Stakes are high and
– There are opposing opinions involved
• We may be concerned about:
– The uncertainty of the outcome
– Impact on the relationship
– Power dynamicsImage source - https://i0.wp.com/joshuareich.org/wp-
content/uploads/2014/09/book3.jpg
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Why Is It Important To Have These
Conversations?
Managed Conflict Unmanaged Conflict
Strengthens relationships and
promotes teamwork
Encourages open communication
and co-operative problem solving
Increases productivity
Deals with real issues and
concentrates on win-win solutions
Makes allies and diffuses anger
Airs all sides of an issue in a
positive, supportive environment
Focuses towards results
Damages relationships and
discourages co-operation
Results in defensiveness and
hidden agendas
Wastes time and resources
Focuses on fault-finding and
blaming
Creates enemies and hard feelings
Is frustrating, stress producing and
energy draining
Is often loud, hostile and chaotic
Why Is It Important To Have These
Conversations?
• Provides an opportunity for all parties to have a
better understanding of each other's
perspectives/interests.
• Helps to identify opportunities for enhancing the
working relationship.
• When an issue is ignored or left unresolved:
– it can have a negative effect on not only the parties
involved but others within the department/institution.
– often results in increased stress, anxiety, lower morale, decreased job satisfaction and strained working relationships.
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What Do We Typically Do When
Confronted With These Situations?
• Avoid them
• Face them and handle them poorly
• Face them and handle them well Our goal for
today’s
session
Ingredients of Difficult
Conversations
Differing Perceptions
Assumptions About Intent
Feelings Blame
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Why Do These Conversations
Tend To Fail?
• We are not prepared.• Emotions take over.• Body language sends negative signals.
Preparing For The Conversation
We Have to Talk…
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Don’t Rush
• Do not engage in a conversation with your
colleague when you are angry.
• Being angry impacts your ability to use rational,
problem-solving skills.
• Take the time to cool down, reflect on the
situation at hand and identify actions for moving
forward.
Analyze the Situation
• Determine the issue(s) from your perspective
and the other person's perspective.
• Determine your and the other person’s interests
(needs, fears, wants, concerns about the issue).
• Determine whether or not this is a conversation
worth having.
– Is there a more effective way to address the issue?
– Should you just let it go because the issue is not
important enough? Or the risks are greater than any
possible gain?
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Questions to Consider
• What do you hope to achieve by having this
conversation?
• What assumptions are you making about the
person’s intentions/behaviours?
• What is your perception of the situation?
• How would the other person interpret the
situation?
• What are your needs and fears related to the
situation and the conversation?
• What are the needs of the other person?
Questions to Consider
• Have you contributed to the situation? If yes,
how?
• What might be some examples of options to
explore to solve the situation at hand?
• What “buttons” of yours are being pushed?
• Does your attitude towards the conversation
influence your perception of it? If so, how?
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Work on Yourself
• In order for the conversation to be effective, you
will need to stay in charge of:
– Yourself
– Your purpose
– Your emotional energy
• Identify strategies for keeping a calm and
centered state throughout the conversation.
Steps For A Successful
Outcome
We Need to Talk
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Four Steps
Inquiry
Acknowledgement
Advocacy
Problem Solve
Step 1 – Opening & Inquiry
• Make it safe to talk.
– Embrace a mutual purpose
– Offer mutual respect
• Describe the purpose (mutual understanding,
problem solving).
• Talk about the need to work together to
determine how to move forward.
• Focus on contribution not blame.
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How do I Begin the Conversation?
Examples:
• I have something I would like to discuss with you
that I think will help us work together more
effectively.
• I think we have different perceptions about….. I would like to hear your thoughts on this.
• I would like to talk about……… I think we may
have different ideas about how to……..
Step 1 - Inquiry
• Share your facts and tell your story.
– What you observed the other person say/do (actions)
– How that felt (impact)
– The assumptions about intentions (label them as
assumptions)
Example:
“I felt attacked when you criticized my project in the team
meeting. Because you did not share them with me before, I
I assumed you wanted to humiliate me in front of the
group.”
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Step 1 – Inquiry
• Invite the other person to share their
perspective.
• Pretend that you don’t know anything and try to
learn as much as possible about the other
person’s perspective, interests, point of view.
• Don’t only focus on the words said.
– Watch for body language
– Listen for unspoken energy - What does he/she really
want?, What is he/she not saying?
Step 1 – Inquiry
• Focus on areas of common ground without loosing sight of differences/opposing interests.
• Don’t interrupt, listen actively.
• Respond, not defend.
• Don’t take things personally – be prepared for
an emotional reaction/push back.
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Use Positive, Non-Blaming
Communication
• State your position using “I” statements
• Avoid “you” statements- they sound accusatory
and blaming.
“ You just keep on rumbling on an on” versus “I am not
understanding you. Help me to hear what I am missing”
• Use tentative language.
“ It looks to me….”, It appears to me”….
• Avoid “why” questions.
“Why did you say that?”
Key
Techniques
Use Active
Listening Techniques
• Ask open-ended questions to encourage further
discussion and explanation.
– Tell me more…, Help me understand…
• Paraphrase to ensure the accuracy of the
message heard (clarity).
• Use non-verbal encouragers.
– nod of the head or positive facial expressions
• Use verbal minimal responses.
– “Uh-huh”
• Summarize the conversation.
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Small Group Activity
• As a group draft the following for the scenario selected:
– A common purpose.
– Your opening statement.
– Your story (Action, Impact, Assumptions) – be
concise.
– Two (2) open-ended questions that you may ask
during the conversation to understand the other
person’s perspective.
Scenarios
A. Your supervisor has advised you of a decision
related to a project you are working on. You
disagree with his/her decision and want to point
out the errors/risks associated with the
decision.
B. Your colleague has accused you of treading on
his/her perceived turf. You believe that both
roles are ambiguous.
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Scenarios
C. You presented your preliminary research
findings to your colleagues and requested their
feedback. You believe that you were
unjustifiably attacked by one of your colleagues
who picked on your work and did not provide
any constructive feedback.
D. You share an office space with a colleague.
From your perspective he/she is very
disrespectful. His/her behaviours/actions are
impacting your ability to focus and get your
work done.
Step 2 - Acknowledgement
• Summarize and paraphrase to ensure you “got it
right”.
“So what you are saying is…..”
• Show that you have heard and understood their
position. It does not mean that you agree with it.
• Words that acknowledge the other person’s
perspective can help bridge differences.
“I hear what you are saying”
• Acknowledge the other person’s feelings.
“I can see how this situation made you feel frustrated”
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Small Group Activity
For the scenario selected, as a group draft:
• A common purpose.• Your opening statement.• Your story (Action, Impact, Assumptions) – be concise.• Two (2) open-ended questions that you may ask during the conversation to understand the
other person’s perspective.
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Step 3 - Advocacy
• Once the perspectives/positions have been
expressed and acknowledged, clarify your
position without minimizing the other person’s
position.
“From what you have shared, I can see how you have
come to the conclusion that I am not a team player. And
I think I am. When I introduce problems about a project
in a meeting, I don’t mean to be a critic, though perhaps
I sound like one. Maybe we can talk about how to
address these issues so that my intentions are clear.”
Step 3 - Advocacy
• Adopt the “yes and” stance.
– Validate that both your view of the situation and the
other person’s view have value and that you don’t
have to choose which one is right.
“ I now understand that you walked away from the
meeting feeling isolated and lonely. I also walked away
feeling unheard and dismissed. Now that we
understand each other, what’s a good way to resolve
the issue?”
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Step 4 – Problem Solving
• Brainstorm possible solutions for moving forward.
• Ask the other person what he/she thinks might work.
• Find something in his/her idea that you like and
build on it.
• If the discussion becomes adversarial again, go back to inquiry. Ask the other person for their point of view.
Step 4 – Problem Solving
• Focus on identifying sustainable solutions.
• Assess the options identified and reach
agreement on the one that would work best.
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Closing the Conversation
• Make a commitment to meet in an agreed period
of time to “check in”.
• Thank the other person for talking with you.
Some Additional Strategies
• GE Foundation Workplace Skills Program.
Module 8 “Having Difficult Conversations,
Participant Booklet. Pages 31-33.
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Strategies for Difficult Conversations
1. Stop arguing about who’s right. Explore each other’s story. Arguing is not helpful, it
simply increases anger, hurt, and frustration and interferes with the clarity of your
thinking.
2. Avoid thinking that “they are the problem.” Catch yourself thinking “they are selfish,
they are controlling” and remember “they have their own story.”
3. Acknowledge the different stories during the conversation. We each take in different
information, which become our observations. We then reach our own conclusions
based on different interpretations.
4. Move from “I’m right” to “I’m trying to understand.” People almost never change
without first feeling understood. To get anywhere in a disagreement we need to
understand the other person’s story well enough to see how their conclusions make
sense.
5. Never assume you know a person’s intention. It is a critical and common mistake
when people are trying to resolve their disagreement. Our assumptions are frequently
wrong and we often think the worst when engaged in discussing tension points in a
relationship.
6. Abandon blame. It is more important to understand how each person contributed to
creating the problem. Blame is often a big issue in many difficult conversations.
Focusing on blame usually limits our ability to learn what is really causing the problem.
Blame is about judging and looking to the past. We need to focus on understanding
and looking forward for solutions.
GE Foundation Workplace Skills Program. Module 8 “Having Difficult Conversations, Participant Booklet. Pages 31-33.
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7. When there is a need to have a difficult conversation with someone, there are always
ways in which you contributed to the problem. Both people must talk about and take
responsibility for how they are contributing to the conflict.
8. People need to identify their feelings during difficult conversations. Recognizing our
feelings is often challenging and more of a problem than people acknowledge.
Feelings are very good at disguising themselves, especially those feelings that create
discomfort.
9. Many of us cannot identify our own feelings because we have learned somewhere
along the line that the feelings of others are more important than ours. Avoid this
thinking trap. Expressing your feelings is as important as understanding their
emotions.
10. Encourage the other person to express their feelings before you start down the road
of problem solving.
11. The path to changing your feelings is through changing your thinking. As long as you
continue to think that someone is intentionally trying to hurt you this thinking will
greatly influence your feelings. It is important to monitor your thinking and check the
assumptions you are making.
12. We all have our hot buttons or sensitivities that can trigger quick reactions. It is
important for you to know your hot spots and try to remain calm and stay balanced
when someone pushes your buttons.
13. If the stress or tension is rising during your conversation, take a break and regroup.
Talk with one another about what’s happening at the time (tension rising or an
impasse) and come back to the conversation later.
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14. Beware of one-sided and “either-or” thinking. This is where people fall into the trap of
the solution needing to be either ________ or ________. Also, the solution has got to
be ______________. This way of thinking is about winning or losing.
15. If you find yourself hesitating to engage in a difficult conversation, examine what is
going on inside your own personal story. Our stories create meaning for us and strong
feelings or judgments. Get in touch with these feelings and closely examine your story.
16. Try to reach a win-win agreement on the solution to the problem. Do not assume
silence or going along with suggestions is an agreement. Schedule a follow-up meeting
to talk to the other person about what’s changed related to the agreement.
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Resources Consulted
Articles and Practical Guides (retrieved from various websites)
• GE Foundation Workplace Skills Program. Module 8 “Having Difficult
Conversations, Participant Booklet.
• Government of Alberta. Let’s Talk. A Guide to Resolving Workplace
Conflicts, 2007.
• Judy Ringer. We Can Talk: A Step by Step Checklist for Difficult
Conversations”, 2005.
• Ohio State University. Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters
Most.
• Rachael Robertson.10 Tips For Having That Difficult Conversation.
• Teresa Oliszewicz. Crucial Conversations: Communicating When Tension is
High and Results are Needed.
• Vancouver Island University. Guide to Workplace Conflict.
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