2-5-53Prompt Book
CRAZY FOR YOU
THE NEW GERSHWIN MUSICAL
Music and Lyrics bygeorge gershwin and ira gershwin
Book byKEN LUDWIG
Co-conception by Ken Ludwig and Mike OckrentInspired by Material
by Guy Bolton and John McGowanOriginally produced on Broadway
byRoger Horchow and Elizabeth Williams
The music, lyrics, and dialogue contained in CRAZY FOR YOU are
fully protected by copyright. Any interpolation of new music or
lyrics into the Play or any changes in any part of the music,
lyrics, or dialogue of the Play as set forth herein shall
constitutea willful infringement of said copyrights and will
subject you to all the criminal penalties and civil liabilities
provided in the Copyright Act.
Property of:Tams-Witmark Music Library, Inc.560 Lexington
Avenue, New York, New York 10022
(212) 688-2525
CAST OF CHARACTERS
* BOBBY CHILD New York, young man in love with musical
theater
* BELA ZANGLER New York, an established producer
LANK HAWKINS Nevada, saloon proprietor
EVERETT BAKER Polly's father
* POLLY BAKER Deadrock, Nevada postmistress, "All American
Girl"
* IRENE ROTH New York Society debutant
* EUGENE FODOR An English tourist
* PATRICIA FODOR Eugene's sister
MOTHER (Mrs. Lottie Child) Bobby's business-oriented and
controlling parent
PERKINS Mother's business assistant
CHAUFFEUR For Mother's limousine
CAST OF CHARACTERS (Cont.)
10 FOLLIES GIRLS - CHORUSTESS Dance director, Zangler's
favoritePATSY Showgirl with high speaking voiceMITZI A principal
dancerELAINELOUISESUSIEBETSYMARGIESHEILAVERA
10 COWBOYS - CHORUSHARRY (Bartender)PETECUSTUSJIMMY
Cowboy Trio:* MOOSE* MINGO* SAM
Card Players: BILLY WYATT JUNIOR
NEW YORK THEATRE STAGE MANAGERSTAGE HANDS4 SHOW GIRLS2 LACKEYS
FOR ZANGLER3 MOTHER'S DIRECTORS
NEW YORK PASSING STREET CROWDSNEVADA PASSING STREET CROWDS
* Principal Singers
Scenes
ACT ONE
Scene 1: WINGS & STAGE OF ZANGLERS BROADWAY THEATER.Just
before a Follies finale.
Scene 2: STREET IN FRONT OF THE ZANGLER THEATER, N.Y.Five
minutes later.
Scene 3: MAIN STREET, DEADROCK, NEVADA.Morning.
Scene 4: INSIDE LANKS SALOON. DEADROCK, NEVADA.Immediately
following.
Scene 5: MAIN STREET & DESERT. DEADROCK, NEVADA.As evening
falls.
Scene 6: STAGE OF THE GAIETY THEATER. DEADROCK,
NEVADA.Immediately following.
Scene 7: MAIN STREET, DEADROCK, NEVADA.Morning, three days
later.
Scene 8: LOBBY OF THE GAIETY THEATER.Mid-morning, two weeks
later.
Scene 9: STAGE OF THE GAIETY THEATER.Immediately following.
Scene 10: BACKSTAGE OF THE GAIETY THEATER.Saturday night, about
7 oclock.
Scene 11: MAIN STREET, DEADROCK, NEVADA.Immediately
following.
ACT TWO
Scene 1: INSIDE LANKS SALOON.Fifteen minutes later.
Scene 2: LANKS SALOON.The next morning, about 10 oclock.
Scene 3: STAGE OF THE GAIETY THEATER.Ten minutes later.
Scene 4: STREET IN FRONT OF THE ZANGLER THEATER, NEW YORK.Six
weeks later.
Scene 5: MAIN STREET, DEADROCK, NEVADA.Three days later. Full
stage with stairwaysfor Follies Tableau.
Musical Numbers
ACT ONE
A. OVERTURE OrchestraB. INCIDENTAL: BEFORE OPENING Orchestra1.
OPENING: K-RA-ZY FOR YOU Bobby2. I CANT BE BOTHERED NOW Bobby &
GIRLS2 (cont.) PLAYOFF: BOTHERED Orchestra2A. SCENE CHANGE: AFTER
BOTHERED Orchestra3. BODIN MY TIME Cowboy Trio (Mingo, Moose, Sam)
& Men3A. INCIDENTAL: BOBBY STAGGERS IN Orchestra4. THINGS ARE
LOOKING UP Bobby4A. INCIDENTAL: AFTER THINGS Piano solo5. COULD YOU
USE ME? Bobby & Polly5 (cont.) SHALL WE DANCE? Bobby &
Polly5A. SCENE CHANGE: SHALL WE DANCE? Music box6. GIRLS ENTER
NEVADA [BRONCO BUSTERS] Chorus7. SOMEONE TO WATCH OVER ME Polly8.
INCIDENTAL: Rehearsal - Slap That Bass Piano with ad lib. Drums9.
SLAP THAT BASS - Bobby (as Zangler) & Company10. EMBRACEABLE
YOU - Polly & Bobby (as Zangler)11. TONIGHTS THE NIGHT -
Chorus12. I GOT RHYTHM - Polly & Company12-I Dance Part One: I
Got Rhythm - Polly & Company12-II Dance Part two: I Got Rhythm
- Company
ACT TWO
13. Entr'acte: The Real American Folk Song - Cowboy Trio &
Chorus13 (cont'd) INCIDENTAL: American Rag - Piano solo14. What
Causes That - Bobby & Zangler14A. SCENE CHANGE-Bobby Wakes Up -
Orchestra15. Naughty Baby - Irene, Lank & Male Quartet (Harry,
Junior, Wyatt & Mingo)15a. INCIDENTAL: Crazy for You - Music
box [There is no musical number 16]17. Stiff Upper Lip - Eugene,
Patricia, Bobby, Polly & Company18. They Can't Take That Away
From Me - Bobby19. But Not For Me - Polly19 (cont.) Reprise: But
Not for Me - Polly19a. SCENE CHANGE: New Promenade - Orchestra20.
Nice Work If You Can Get It - Bobby & Girls21. FRENCH REPRISE:
Bidin' My Time - Cowboy Trio22. Reprise: Things are Looking Up -
Everett23. Finale - Company24. Curtain Calls - Full Company25. EXIT
MUSIC - Orchestra
__/A/ OVERTURE (Orchestra) *ACT ONEScene OneWINGS AND STAGE OF
ZANGLERS BROADWAY THEATER, the wings in the foreground, the stage
in the background. Onstage, a show is in progress. In the wings,
STAGEHANDS are working the lights, STAGE MANAGER calling cues, etc.
As the curtain rises, TESS, the Dance Director, is drilling four
SHOW GIRLS in a short routine. __/1/ OPENING: K-RA-ZY FOR YOU
(Bobby)
TESS(Over the music.)Shoulders back! Heads high! One last
time!(As soon as the SHOW GIRLS leave the wings and parade onto the
stage, TESS looks around to see if Bobby has arrived. She looks at
her watch with concern, then calls to PATSY, a very dumb SHOW GIRL
with a high, squeaky voice.)TESSPatsy! Where's Bobby?! He should
have been here two hours ago!PATSYI know! I saw him yesterday, and
he was all excited about the audition for Mr. Zangler.TESS(Looking
off)Wait! There he is!(BOBBY CHILD, dressed as a banker, hurries
on, into the wings, pulling off his overcoat.)
-------------------------------------------------------------
__/B/ * INCIDENTAL: BEFORE OPENING (Orchestra)Note: This number
is included to make staging of the opening scene more flexible. It
is optional and was not used in the Broadway production.
PATSYBobby!BOBBYOh, my God! Did I make it?! Is Zangler still
here?!PATSYYeah, ya still got five minutes.BOBBYGreat!TESSBobby,
what happened?!BOBBYThey kept me late at the bank. But I've got my
tap shoes on! This time Zangler's going to be dazzled. He's going
to hire me on the spot!
(At this point, the number "onstage" is over, and BELA ZANGLER
enters the wings. This great impresario is an imposing dapper man
with a moustache, beard and Hungarian accent. BOBBY sees him -
)BOBBYMr. Zangler!(but TESS and PATSY stop BOBBY from bothering
ZANGLER just yet. A trumpet fanfare, the STAGE MANAGER takes
ZANGLER'S cigar, and ZANGLER sweeps onstage to make his curtain
speech. ZANGLER raises his arms, and the "applause" dies
down.)ZANGLERLadies and gentlemen. Vell vell vell. My name is Bela
Zangler.(Applause.)Thank you for coming to Zangler Follies - our
final performance of the season, and I hope you vill all be here in
just eight veeks for vonderful new show!(Wild applause as ZANGLER
leaves the stage and the company bows begin. As soon as ZANGLER
gets to the wings, BOBBY tries again.)ZANGLERTessie!BOBBYMr.
Zangler, could I see you a min -
ZANGLERI must talk now to dance director about very important
professional matter!BOBBYRight.(Bobby moves away, and ZANGLER pulls
TESS aside.)ZANGLER(Business-like:)Tessie.TESSYes, Mr.
Zangler?(ZANGLER makes sure they're not overheard; then says with
passion:)ZANGLERTessie, I love you. TESSBela -!ZANGLERVhat do you
say ve have intimate supper?TESSI'm not hungry.ZANGLERTessie,
please! You make me crazy!TESSAnd how is Mrs. Zangler?ZANGLERI am
sorry to say, she is in excellent health.(TESS walks
away.)ZANGLERTessie!(By this time the FOLLIES GIRLS are leaving the
stage in a line, past ZANGLER.)MITZIVacation!
FOLLIES GIRLSGoodnight, Mr. Zangler.Goodnight, Mr.
Zangler.Goodnight, Mr. Zangler.(And at the end of the line is
BOBBY.)BOBBYHi, Mr. Zangler.ZANGLERNot you again.BOBBYI'm here to
audition. ZANGLERNot now!(ZANGLER starts to leave. By this time,
BOBBY and ZANGLER are alone onstage.)BOBBYMr. Zangler! You don't
understand. When I go to your office, they throw me out.(Music
fades out.)ZANGLERGood. I give them a raise.BOBBYWould you wait a
second!ZANGLERMr. Child. Vhy are you vesting my
time?!BOBBY(Indicating the theater around him.)Because this is my
life! It's all I care about!(BOBBY'S conviction makes even ZANGLER
pause.)Now look, you're going to love this. I promise. Just - just
- okay. Okay?ZANGLER...Okay.BOBBYWould you hold this? Thanks.(He
hands ZANGLER his coat and hat.)Here goes.
(BOBBY takes a breath - then launches into his audition, dancing
as he sings:) 1. Opening: K-RA-ZY For You BOBBY Let me give you the
low down:(Orchestra accompaniment picks up againunder vocal.) I'm
CRAZY for you. When it comes to a showdown, I'm k-ra-zy for you.
And so, though love may not inspire my lingo, Still, it's making my
heart go BANGO! BINGO! Let me give you the low down: I'm k-ra-zy
for(Music out.)Hold on for the big finish!ZANGLER(Bored and
annoyed:)I'm holding, I'm holding.(BOBBY does an elaborate tap
routine. Halfway through it, ZANGLER pointedly looks at his watch.
BOBBY finishes the routine with a slam, literally nose-to-nose with
ZANGLER. Orchestra short chord at finish of BOBBY'S routine, then
music out.)BOBBYNow what do you say to that?!ZANGLERFoot -
BOBBYHuh?ZANGLERFoot ... You are standing on my foot!BOBBYOh, sorry
...ZANGLERYou are a moron!(He starts to exit.)
BOBBYMr. Zangler! ... Look, I-I-I realize I'm an unknown, here
in New York. But I have potential!ZANGLERYa. You could be unknown
all over America!(ZANGLER strides off, and BOBBY runs after him. As
they exit, music picks up again for scene change as the set
changes. Scene change music fades out as GIRLS enter.)1-1-1
ACT ONEScene TwoSTREET IN FRONT OF THE ZANGLER THEATER, five
minutes later. As the lights come up, BOBBY and some of the FOLLIES
GIRLS are leaving the stage door in their street clothes. Also on
the street is IRENE ROTH, dressed in fur, waiting for
BOBBY.tessHey, Bobby. Just forget about him.PATSYCheer up! He's not
worth it.BOBBYWho knew he had big feet!IRENEHello,
Bobby.BOBBY(Without turning, recognizing the steely voice:)Irene.
Hi ...IRENESay good-night to the ladies, Bobby.BOBBYNow wait a
second -!PATSYWe'll see ya later.TESSWe've gotta go anyway. 'Night,
Bobby.THE GIRLSGood-night, Bobby. Good night. (etc.)(And the GIRLS
are gone.)IRENEBobby, it is time you gave up all this dancing
nonsense and settled down!BOBBYNonsense -?!
IRENEWe have been engaged for five years. Now when are we
getting married?!BOBBYWe're not.IRENEOf course we are.BOBBYOh no
we're not.IRENEDon't be ridiculous. I have the wedding all planned.
The guest list is up to nine hundred.BOBBYGreat. Big crowd. You
won't even miss me.(At this moment, ZANGLER exits from the stage
door with two of his lackeys. Simultaneously, a limousine starts to
enter.)ZANGLERVe start next veek -BOBBYMr. Zangler! I'm sorry about
your foot -!(ZANGLER turns to BOBBY -- and almost gets run down by
the limousine.)ZANGLERMoron!(IRENE pulls BOBBY away, and ZANGLER
exits down the street. The limousine pulls up, the CHAUFFEUR opens
the back door, and BOBBY'S MOTHER gets out, followed by PERKINS,
her assistant. BOBBY and IRENE don't see them.)IRENENow I want you
to promise me: from the day we're married, you will work in the
bank.BOBBYBut I don't want to work in the bank! That's my mother's
idea! I mean that's the trouble. Nobody in the theater takes me
seriously! Well if my mother was here right now, you know what I'd
say to her? Huh?! I'd say: "MOTHER!!"
MOTHERYes, Bobby?BOBBYMy God, you look well. That coat is just
-MOTHERI knew I'd find you here.IRENELottie, dear, I am talking to
Bobby.MOTHERWell, so am I!IRENEThen get in line!MOTHERBobby, in the
ten years since you left Harvard, you have accomplished
nothing.IRENEHe got engaged to me.MOTHER(to BOBBY:)You have
accomplished less than nothing. Now the Board of Directors and I
have decided to give you one last chance. If you fail the bank this
time, I will cut off your allowance.IRENEWhen he's married to me,
he won't need an allowance.MOTHERNo, he'll need a psychiatrist.(To
Bobby:)Now this is a deed of property.PERKINSWe'd like it
signed.BOBBYFine! Do you have a pen?MOTHERNot by you, you idiot! By
some other idiot who lives in:(Consulting the document.)Deadrock,
Nevada. I want you to go there immediately and get him to sign
it.
BOBBYNevada?!PERKINSIt will save the bank quite a sum in
foreclosure costs.BOBBYBut who cares?! I want to dance. I don't
care about money.(MOTHER gasps and clutches her heart. PERKINS
catches her.)BOBBYI'm sorry, Mother, I'm sorry ...IRENEHe will go
to Nevada over my dead body!MOTHERThat sounds like an excellent
route. ...Bobby, get in the car! MOTHERIRENEI will cut off
yourDarling, don't even listenallowance if you do not goto her.
I've got theto Nevada, first thingwedding all planned.
You'lltomorrow morning! Now Iwear a morning coat and I'lldon't want
to hear anygo strapless. It's all thenonsense about it -!rage
-(During the argument PERKINS and CHAUFFEUR cross upstage and
unobtrusively make their exit. BOBBY tunes the argument out, music
intro. Starts, their voices fade away, and BOBBY sings:)
__/2/ I CANT BE BOTHERED NOW (Bobby & Girls)BOBBYBad news go
'way!Call 'round some dayIn March or May--I can't be bothered
now.
My bonds and sharesMay fall downstairs--Who cares? who cares?I'm
dancing and I can't be bothered now!(MOTHER pulls BOBBY into the
car, and IRENE follows them.)
MOTHERIRENEIf you do not listen to me,I have gone out of my
wayyoung man, you will findto give your feelings everyyourself
without anpossible consideration -allowance -(In his dream fantasy,
BOBBY rises out of the car and ends up dancing on the
roof.)BOBBYI'm up among the stars;On earthly things I frown.I'm
throwing off the barsThat held me down.
I'll pay the piperWhen times are riper.Just now, I
shan't--Because you see I'm dancing and I can't--be bothered
now!(Dance break. BOBBY raises the hood of the car and a FOLLIES
GIRL jumps out. He dances with her. Then the rest of the FOLLIES
GIRLS emerge from the car, as they enter dancing and singing, they
ad lib., "Hi, Bobby," etc.)BOBBYMusic is the magic that makes
everything sunshiny;Dancing makes my troubles all seem tiny.When Im
dancing I don't care if this old world stops turning,Or if my bank
is burning,Or even if ROmaniaWants to fight Albania.I'm not upset;I
refuse to fret.THE GIRLSHe's not upset;(Telephone rings.)
BOBBYOh, no!THE GIRLSAnd he'll refuse to fret.Hello!BOBBYThat's
for me?!(GIRLS babble.)
ONE GIRL(To BOBBY:)It's for you!BOBBYTake a message!THE GIRLSBad
news go 'way!Call 'round some dayIn March or May--hes dancing and
He can't be bothered now!BOBBY(Shouted:)I can't be bothered
now!(Dance break.)THE GIRLSHe's dancing watch him shine,You'll have
to hold the LINE.(Dance break.) girls agirls bhell pay the
piperhell pay the piperwhen times are riper.when times are
riper.when times are riper,hell pay the piper.just now, he shant
...just now, he shant,just now, he shant ...BOBBYBecause you see
I'm dancing...(Telephone rings.)Because you see I'm
dancing...(Telephone rings.)Because you see I'm dancing...THE
GIRLS(Chanted:)Bad news, go awayCall 'round somedayIn March or
MayWho cares about his sharesThat fall downstairsWho cares, who
caresWho cares, who care?
THE GIRLS (continued)He can't be botheredWon't be botheredShan't
be botheredCan't be bothered nowNot now!Not now!
He can't be bothered...(Tap break.)Now!Goodbye!(Music segues on
applause.)
____________/2 continued/ PLAYOFF: BOTHERED (Orchestra)(As the
number ends, PERKINS & CHAUFFEUR re-enter and wait beside the
car. The GIRLS dance back into the car, and BOBBY sinks back in
through the roof. Then BOBBY, MOTHER and IRENE immediately emerge
from the car.) MotherIRENEBobby, I want you to go toShe's
completely insane!Nevada at once and forget allI've got the
colorsthis marriage nonsense!picked out for thewedding and they're
blueand white!IRENESo which is it, Bobby? Me or Deadrock?(BOBBY
looks at MOTHER, then back at IRENE.)BOBBY(Undecided:)Oh boy
...(Frustrated, he snatches the deed of property from MOTHER and
runs down the street.)BOBBYTAXI!!(Music starts.)GRAND CENTRAL
STATION!!
___/2A/ SCENE CHANGE: AFTER BOTHERED (Orchestra)1-2-13(MOTHER
smiles, IRENE scowls and exits. As the lights fade, PERKINS &
CHAUFFEUR get into the car, and the limo drives off -- without
MOTHER -- and she chases it down the street.)ACT ONEScene ThreeMAIN
STREET, DEADROCK, morning. A sleepy little Western town in the
middle of nowhere. Along the street, there are two adjoining
buildings of particular interest. The sign on one says: "SALOON,
HOTEL AND RESTAURANT." The other building is a former theater, once
quite grand, now gone to seed. Above the entrance is a sign that
says: "GAIETY THEATER" -- but there's another sign below it that
says "U.S. POST OFFICE." Across the street is the General Store. At
the end of the street, we see the desert stretching into the
distance. __/3/ BIDIN MY TIME (The Cowboy Trio Sam, Mingo,Moose,
& Men)
As the set falls into place around them, THREE COWBOYS -- 1930's
style -- and POLLY BAKER enter on the back of an old pickup truck
singing the laziest song imaginable. Also onstage are several other
COWBOYS sitting around doing nothing (as usual.) Sitting on the
porch of the theater is EVERETT BAKER, a gentle, befuddled man in
his 60s, reading a yellowing copy of "Variety." As the truck enters
Deadrock, it runs over a rattlesnake. During the following song,
one of the COWBOYS picks up the dead snake, rattles its tail,
crosses himself and mourns the loss of his favorite pet.MINGO,
MOOSE AND SAMI'm bidin' my time,'Cause that's the kinda guy
I'm.While other folks grow dizzyI keep busy--Bidin' my time.(OTHER
MEN join singing, on melody, with the trio, as they enter.)
Next year, next year,somethins bound to happen;This year, this
year,I'll just keep on nappin'--POLLYMail call!moose, mingo, sam,
& other menAnd--bidin' my time,'Cause that's the kinda guy
I'm.There's no regrettin'When I'm settin'--Bidin' my
(time.)POLLY(Interrupting the last note of men's vocal:)Hey! Mail
call! Come and get it!SAMHeck, Polly, I never get any mail.POLLYOh,
Sam, you got a letter just last month.PETENo kiddin'! What'd it
say?SAMI don't know. I didn't have the energy to read it.POLLYHey!
Look at this! There's a letter here, for my dad, from New York
City!PETEHey Everett!JIMMYYa got a letter!BILLYFrom New York
City!EVERETTOh. Well. Now isn't that exciting.MOOSECan I have the
stamp, Polly? For my collection?POLLY(She tears off the stamp and
hands it to Moose, having already taken the letter out.)Hey, Moose.
I didn't know you had a stamp collection.
MOOSE(Showing Everett proudly.)Oh, boy. Number two!POLLY(Reading
the letter.)It's from that stinkin' bank again.EVERETTOh,
dear.POLLYThis time they want to take our theater!EVERETT(To the
BOYS:)I'm afraid we're a little behind on the mortgage.POLLYIt says
here, if we don't pay 'em a ton of money by the end of this month,
they're gonna own it, lock, stock and barrel!(The BOYS
groan.)EVERETTOh, Polly, I wish you could have seen your mother on
that stage.POLLYI bet she was really somethin', Dad.EVERETTShe was
never more radiant than when she stood there behind those
footlights, singing her heart out to a house-full of drunken gold
miners.(He potters sadly away, into the saloon.)WYATTPoor old
guy.POLLY(Scanning the letter:)Just look at this! They're sendin'
some banker out here to put the knife in. Name of ... Bobby Child!
Bobby Child! If I ever meet up with that skunk, I'll ... Oh, I
don't know what I'll do! But it's gonna be ugly!!(She exits angrily
into the theater.)
BILLYI never seen her that mad before.JUNIORTalk about an
excitin' day.
___/3A/ INCIDENTAL: BOBBY STAGGERS IN (Orchestra)
(Lazily, they start to lope away -- when BOBBY staggers into
view from the desert, carrying his suitcases. He's pouring with
sweat, dizzy from the sun and can barely walk.)BOBBYWater ... water
...(He makes it part way down the street and drops to the ground in
a dead faint. Music out. The COWBOYS look at him.)JIMMYI guess the
train arrived.CUSTUS(to BOBBY:)It's only an hour's walk from the
junction!(They shake their heads and lope away - as EVERETT emerges
from the saloon, fleeing from LANK HAWKINS. LANK is an intense,
usually manic fellow, blessed with a vision that no one else quite
shares.)EVERETTNo no no no. I can't let you have the theater,
Lank.LANKI don't want you to "let me have it." I want to buy
it!!EVERETTOh I wish you could have seen Polly's mother on that
stage, standing there behind the footlights ...LANKWould you stop
blathering, you pig-headed fool!(POLLY instantly appears on the
balcony.)POLLYLank Hawkins! Don't you dare talk to my father that
way!
LANK(to POLLY:)Okay! Okay ...(He throws her a kiss and she
exits; to EVERETT:)Look. I'll make it simple. I ... own ... the
saloon.EVERETTI know that.LANKGood. Now being a man of vision, I
would like to expand the saloon in the direction of your theater,
which, if you'll recall, was turned into a post office twenty years
ago.EVERETTHow I'd love to see a show I that theater again
...LANKEverett, it's not going to happen! In two thousand years,
there has been one resurrection, and it wasn't a theater!!(LANK
calms himself:)Think of it, Everett. This could be a big town
again! Shops and cafes! Sidewalks! We could have another ...
Cleveland on our hands!EVERETTBut it's such a nice town as it
is:LANKWould you look around, for God's sake! Come here!
Look!(Taking EVERETT on a tour of the street,)We have a town full
of singing cadavers!(Kicking BOBBY with his toe,)We have bodies
lying in the street!(Poking EVERETT in the chest.)We are the armpit
of the American West!!(POLLY storms out of the front of the
theater. The moment she appears, BOBBY'S head goes up. He's
transfixed. He can't take his eyes off her.)POLLYYou listen to me,
Lank Hawkins! If you ever yell at my father again, I'm gonna skin
you alive, you hear me -!! LANKPOLLYIf he doesn't sell it toHe is
my father and it is timeme, the bank is going toyou showed him a
littletake it anyway!respect!(They freeze. Again, BOBBY is in his
own world. Staring at POLLY in a cloud of adoration, he sings:)
__/4/ THINGS ARE LOOKING UP (Bobby)BOBBYThings are looking
up!I've been looking the landscape overAnd it's covered with four
leaf clover.Oh things are looking upSince love looked up at me.
LANKPOLLYPolly, you know how I feelAnd he ain't gonna sellabout
you!ya his theater if hedon't want to!(Freeze.)BOBBYBitter was my
cup--But no more will I be the mourner,For I've certainly turned
the corner.Oh things are looking upSince love looked up at me.LANKI
have asked you to marry me fifteen times.POLLYSo ask somebody
else.LANKThere is no one else. You're the only woman withinfifty
miles!(POLLY turns to him, murderously.)EVERETT(Seeing what's
coming:)Polly ...(POLLY kicks LANK in the shin. He
screams.)POLLYCome on, Dad. I've got to wash up.(POLLY and EVERETT
exit into the theater. LANK limps away into the saloon. BOBBY has
been watching Polly's every movement.)BOBBY"Polly." "Polly!"(Like
Cortez first seeing the Pacific Ocean:)My God, that's a wonderful
name!!
BOBBY(The music swells.)See the sunbeams--Evry one beamsJust
because of you.Love's in session,And my depressionIs unmistakably
through.(As the song continues, BOBBY gets dizzy again, and the
COWBOYS pick him up and carry him into the saloon. Meanwhile, the
set is changing.)BOBBYThank you.BOBBYThings are looking up!It's a
great little world we live in!Oh I'm happy as a pupSince love
looked up--Oh I'm happy as a pupSince love looked up at
me!1-3-17(Note: Last word of song is an elision with first note of
next musical number.)ACT ONEScene FourINSIDE LANKS SALOON. It
includes a reception desk, a bar, aplayer-piano (apparently being
played by JUNIOR), and a card table. A flight of stairs leads up to
a balcony, where there are doors to two guest rooms and a door to
the corridor. TWO CARD PLAYERS -- WYATT and BILLY -- are at the
table playing poker. As the COWBOYS carry BOBBY into the saloon,
the piano is playing, and LANK is coming down the stairs. ___/4A/
INCIDENTAL: AFTER THINGS (Piano solo)LANKWould you turn that thing
off!(JUNIOR kicks the piano and it stops playing.A cuckoo clock
above the reception desk sounds off -- complete with a bird that
comes out of a little door in the front: "CU-CKOO! CU-CKOO!" At
this moment, and argument starts up between the two CARD
PLAYERS.)WYATTHold it right there, mister. I saw ya take that ace
from your sleeve.BILLYI'm afraid you need some glasses, ya dumb
cuss.(BILLY stands up, kicking his chair away; and they square off
for a gunfight. They draw like lightning, but WYATT is faster. He
shoots BILLY in the stomach. BLAM! BILLY falls dead on the floor.
BOBBY watches all this in shock, his mouth open. A beat,
then:)LANKRubbish. Complete rubbish.BILLY(From the floor, then
standing up.)Aw, come on, Lank. I thought it was pretty good that
time.
BOBBY(confused:)What's going on?BILLYFamous Gunfights of the Old
West.JUNIORIt's Lank's idea, to bring in the tourists.PETEThat
there was Wyatt Earp meets Billy the Kid.BOBBYBut they could have
hurt each other.WYATTAre you kiddin', mister? These her is blanks.
Hey, Lank!(LANK turns -- and WYATT shoots straight at his chest.
BLAM! BLAM! Then WYATT turns the gun toward the wall and lets fly
another -- BLAM! -- and a jug on the wall explodes, hitting a pair
of antlers, which hits the piano -- which starts playing. JUNIOR
kicks it and it stops. A beat, then LANK walks up to WYATT and puts
out his hand.)WYATT(Surrendering his gun to Lank.)Sorry,
lank.LANKNo wonder this country is in a depression.(LANK walks
away. As he goes, the Cuckoo Clock sounds off again: "CU-CKOO!
CU-CKOO!" Startled, LANK shoots the clock, which instantly
explodes, leaving the bird dangling on a wire from the shards of
its house. LANK utters a cry of despair, then continues off through
a door behind the reception desk. The moment he leaves, POLLY
enters.)POLLYWhere's Lank?JUNIORHe's out back.POLLY(Seeing BOBBY
for the first time.)... Who the hell is he?
JUNIORHe sorta crawled into town this afternoon.BOBBYHow do you
do?(BOBBY stands up to introduce himself -- and promptly falls to
the ground.)JUNIORHe's still kinda shaky.POLLYWell, walk him
around. Get under him!(JUNIOR tries.)Oh, here, I'll do it!(She puts
BOBBY'S arm around her neck and starts to walk him around the
saloon. His legs are like jelly.)POLLYCome on, Sunshine. This way.
Now you're getting' it. Just keep them feet moving' ... (etc. ad
lib.)(She walks him some more -- and as they make a turn, BOBBY
finds his face only inches from POLLY's. Without warning, he kisses
her on the lips. For a moment she's stunned -- then she pushes him
roughly away.)POLLYWhat the hell'd ya do that for?!!BOBBYI don't
know.POLLY... Well, don't do it again.BOBBYRight.(She stares at him
for a beat, then headsfor the bar.)POLLYHey, Harry, get me a drink
so I can clean my lips!
(HARRY, the bartender, slides a bottle down the length of the
bar, Western-style, and POLLY catches it easily. She takes a slug
and moseys away.BOBBY is impressed. Imitating her, he walksto the
bar.)BOBBY(Tough guy; to HARRY:)Make that two.(HARRY slides a
bottle to BOBBY, who puts out his hand and misses. The bottle
slides off the end of the bar and crashes.)BOBBY... I'll have
another.(Same routine. BOBBY misses again and the bottle
crashes.)BOBBY... One for the road.(As HARRY slams a bottle onto
the bar, BOBBY jumps on the bar and grabs it.)POLLYYou ain't from
around here, are ya?(BOBBY, still showing off, slides off the bar
and drinks from the bottle. For a second, he doesn't react. Then he
stares at the bottle in shock.)BOBBY(Hardly able to speak -- a
squeak:)... That's a little strong ...POLLYStrong? We got
thirty-year-old cows who pass water stronger'n this stuff.BOBBYMy
God, you're beautiful. You're like the Venus deMilo! ... Except for
your arms.(POLLY is suddenly conscious of her arms and puts them
behind her back.)I-I-I mean, you have arms:POLLY... Mister, it's
been real nice talking' to ya -BOBBYDon't go!
POLLYMaybe I'll see ya again some time. In a rocket shipor
somethin'.
__/5/ COULD YOU USE ME? (Bobby & Polly)BOBBYHave some pity
on an Easterner;Show a little sympathy.No one possibly could be
sternerThan you have been with me.There's a job that I'm applying
for--Let me put it to you thus:It's a partnership I'm dying
for--Mr. and Mrs. Us!Before you file it on the shelfLet me tell you
of myself:(By this time, he's got her to the table.)
Oh, I'm the chappieTo make you happy:I'll tie your shoes-iesAnd
chase your blues-ies;Oh, lady would you--Oh, tell me, could youuse
me?POLLYNo night Life for you,The birds would bore you,The cows
won't know you,A horse would throw you--You silly man, you,To ask
me, "Can youuse me?"BOBBYDo you realize what a good manYou're
getting in me?I'm no Elk or Mason or WoodmanWho gets home at
three.POLLYYour ties are freakish;Your knees are weakish;Go back to
flappersAnd highBALL lappers!Though you can use me,I most certainly
can't use you!1-4-23(BOBBY pursues POLLY around the saloon, then
out into the street. Last word of song is an elision with first
note of next musical number.)ACT ONEScene FiveMAIN STREET &
DESERT, DEADROCK, NEVADA. The song is continuous. During the song -
and dance - evening falls. ____________/5 continued/ SHALL WE
DANCE? (Bobby & Polly)BOBBYDrop that long face! Come on, have
your fling!Why keep nursing the blues?If you want this old world on
a string,Put on your dancing shoes--Stop wasting time!Put on your
dancing shoes--Watch your spirits climb.
Shall we dance, or keep on moping?Shall we dance, and walk on
air?Shall we give into despair--Or shall we dance with never a
care?
Life is short; we're growing older.Don't you be an
also-ran.You'd better dance, little lady!Dance, little man!Dance
whenever you can!(At first, POLLY's a reluctant partner; she just
won't dance with him. But soon she starts enjoying herself, and
BOBBY and POLLY begin whirling through the street -- then the
desert -- like Fred and Ginger. In the course of the number, POLLY
falls deeply in love with him. Towards the end of the number, BOBBY
kisses a now-willing POLLY.)BOBBY... WOW!!(The dance ends, and we
go to blackout.)
___/5A/ SCENE CHANGE: SHALL WE DANCE (Music box) (Music fades
out under opening dialogueof next scene.)1-5-26
ACT ONEScene SixSTAGE OF THE GAIETY THEATER, continuous. The
scene begins in total darkness. Out of the void, we hear BOBBY's
voice.BOBBY'S VOICEPolly? ... Polly?! ... OW!(He's bumped into
something.)Polly, where are you?!!(Suddenly, the lights come up.
POLLY is at the side of the stage, having just turned the lights
on, and we see the theater for the first time. It's a masterpiece
of Victoriana, covered with dust and in a woeful state of
disrepair. On the stage are a few old props and flats and a trunk
of costumes. BOBBY looks around, dumbfounded.)BOBBYOh, my God, just
look at this place!POLLY(Proudly:)It's somethin', huh?BOBBYIt's
incredible!POLLYWhen I was a little thing, I'd watch all the big
shows. The lights, the music ...BOBBYI've never seen anything like
it. What's it doing in Deadrock?POLLYThis here was a pretty big
town about fifty years ago. Then the mines ran out and most people
just kinda got up and left.BOBBY(Finding parts of costumes in the
trunk.)Look at this stuff! Oh, my God! You can't let the bank take
this place!POLLYHow do you know about it?
BOBBYWell, I-I-I couldn't help overhearing on the street, and
...(Pause. BOBBY suddenly has a revelation He looks around the
theater, then says quietly:)BOBBYWait a second. I've got an
idea!POLLYAbout what?!BOBBY(Pulling on a costume jacket and
grabbing a fedora.)I know what to do!POLLYWhat the hell are you
talkin' about?!BOBBYIt's simple! All we have to do to save this
place is just ... put on a show. Here in the theater. That'll raise
all the money you need to pay off the mortgage!POLLY... Just put on
a show?BOBBYRight.POLLYIn here?BOBBYRight!POLLYIs everybody this
stupid back East, or are you just special?BOBBYWell, why not?!
Don't you ever go to the movies? Mickey Rooney does it all the
time! ... Look. The guys in the bar can sing, I heard them!
And-and-and I could bring dancers, from Zangler's Follies! They're
my friends! They'd come in a second! They're on
vacation!POLLY(Suddenly excited:)... Ya mean Bela Zangler?!
BOBBYYeah.POLLYDad's talked about him! Do you know him?!BOBBYDo
I know him. Are you kidding? We're like(Putting the index fingers
of his hands together, then pulling them apart)this.POLLYD'ya think
he'd come out here and put on a show?! I mean, if ya asked
him?!BOBBY(Nodding his head yes.)... No.(POLLY turns away,
disappointed.)But we don't need him! I can do it, I promise!(No
answer.)Polly, please. Let me try it. I could accomplish something.
And this theater, just imagine, giving it a whole new life!POLLY...
I guess we can try it.(BOBBY shouts with joy.)BOBBYI'll call the
girls first thing in the morning! Hey! Watch this!(He does a tap
flourish -- the same one he did for Zangler -- and ends up with a
slam literallynose-to-nose with Polly.)POLLY(In pain:)... You're
standin' on my foot.BOBBYI'm sorry! Darn!POLLYThat's okay. It sure
is nice of you to help like this.I mean, we hardly know each
other.(Extending her hand.)I'm Polly Baker.
BOBBYI'm Bobby Child.(A beat, then POLLY suddenly goes
pale.)POLLYWhat?BOBBYBobby Child.POLLYFrom New York
City?BOBBYRight.(SLAP! POLLY slaps BOBBY across the face, sending
him reeling backward.)BOBBYWhat did I do?!POLLYYou're from that
bank!BOBBYYeah. Well, I can explain that --POLLYYou're here to take
our theater, ain't ya? This is a trick!BOBBYNo, it's not!POLLYHow
could ya do this to me?!BOBBYPolly, you're wrong -POLLYYou and your
singin' and your dancin' and your ... Bela Zanglers!BOBBYI can save
this theater!POLLY(Deeply hurt, her eyes full of tears:)Just GO
AWAY!!
POLLY (cont.)(She hurries to the wings; turns andsays
quietly:)And don't you ever let me catch you talkin' to me
again.(She hurries off.)BOBBYPolly - !(She's gone. BOBBY wanders
across the stage, his dreams shattered. He says to himself:)"You
and your singing and your dancing and your ..."(Music for next
number begins with an underscore, a sad strain of "Things Are
Looking Up." Suddenly, BOBBY looks up. He has an idea. Could
itreally work?)BOBBY(To himself:)... Bela Zangler.(He looks around
the theater ...)Bela Zangler!!(Using Zangler's accent and striking
a posewith a cane.)"Vell, vell, vell. Girls! It is time ve pay
visit to Deadrock, Nevada, ya?!(Blackout, followed by the sound of
a train gaining speed, then the vamping beat of the GIRLS' arrival
in Deadrock.)1-6-31
ACT ONEMAIN STREET, DEADROCK, three days later, morning. As the
dawn is breaking, THE FOLLIES GIRLS enter from the desert (in
silhouette) to the hot, jazzy rhythm of "I'll Build a Stairway to
Paradise." Windows and doors fly open, asTHE COWBOYS come out to
see what's happening - and join in the number. By the end of the
number, all the COWBOYS are on the street. POLLY and LANK have also
entered.
__/6/ GIRLS ENTER NEVADA [BRONCO BUSTERS] (Chorus)
THE FOLLIES GIRLSIt's wonderful to breeze around;They seem to
have real trees around;And of the open spaces there's no doubt--No
doubt! No doubt!--This is the life that Riley told about.
In town we used to fret awayUntil we made our getawayOut here
where there's no doubt that men are men--Where men are men!We don't
care if we don't go east again.
We haven't missed old Broadway or the white lights--When the
moon at night lights--That's the best of bright lights.TESSAll
right, girls. Let's show 'em how we do it.(Dance break -- to
"K-ra-zy For You.")THE COWBOYSTHE FOLLIES GIRLSIn town they used to
fret awayIn-town-Until they made their getawaywe-did-THEY DONT CARE
IF THEY DONT GO EASTfret-AGAIN.away.Where menIn town we used to
fret awayare menuntil we made our getawaythey dont care if theywe
dont care if wedont go eastdont go
eastagain.ah--ahah-ah-ah-ahah-ah-ah-ah
(The music segues back into "I'll Build a Stairway to Paradise,"
as BOBBY -- masquerading as BELA ZANGLER -- makes his entrance. He
has Zangler's clothes, beard, moustache, and accent. He carries a
cane ad smokes a cigar. He doesn't have the same confidence,
though; and during the number, he confers hurriedly with TESS and
PATSY to make sure that he looks all right. By the end of the
number, he's ready to start -- and climbs to the top of a stairway
made of the GIRLS' suitcases.)ALLOO-OO-OO-OO-OO-OO-OO-OO
AH!BOBBYGood morning, good morning, good morning. Dis is Deadrock,
Nevada, ya?THE COWBOYSYA!BOBBYExcellent. I am looking, please, for
a Miss Polly Baker.POLLYI'm Polly Baker! What's goin'
on?!BOBBYPermit me to introduce myself. My name is Bela
Zangler.POLLY(In shock:)... Get outa here! Are you really ... Bela
Zangler? I mean, what are you doin' here?BOBBYI am saving
theater!LANKWhat?!BOBBYI am getting a call three days ago from very
good friend of mine. Bobby Child.(Confidentially:)By the vay, he is
a vonderful boy. You should get to know him.POLLYHe did say you
were friends.
BOBBYFriends? Ve are like(Puts his index fingers together, then
pulls them apart.)this!POLLYThat's just what he said!BOBBYI'm not
surprised. So. Vhen do ve start? Ve have a show to put on, ya?THE
COWBOYSYA!LANKI don't believe one word of this.BOBBYVhich vord is
that?LANKSomething smells fishy to me.JIMMYI think it's
Moose.(Everyone looks at MOOSE, who checks his underarms, then nods
his head "yes." At this moment,EVERETT comes out of the theater,
suspecting nothing. He sees BOBBY and stops dead.)EVERETTOh, my
goodness!(Going up to him.)Mr. ... Zangler?BOBBYYou know me
...?EVERETTI've seen your picture in Variety a hundred times! What
are you doing here?!POLLYHe came to help, so we can pay the
bank.EVERETTThis is miraculous!
LANKThis is ridiculous!POLLYLank!BOBBYI am insulted!(A gasp from
the crowd.)Do you vant me to put on show or not? I am busy
man!EVERYONEOf course we do! Don't listen to him! You must do it!
(etc.)BOBBY (Cutting them off abruptly:)YOP! ... Okay. I do
it.EVERYONEThat's wonderful! This is thrilling! (etc.)BOBBY(Cutting
them off abruptly:)YOP! ... Girls! To vork!(He points to the
theater and THE GIRLShead inside.)THE GIRLSYes, Mr. Zangler. Of
course, Mr. Zangler.PATSY(Aloud to BOBBY as she passes
him:)Bobby!(He tries to shush her.)You're doin' a wonderful job!
You're so life-like!(BOBBY rolls his eyes. Meanwhile, LANK pulls
out his gun, walks up to BOBBY, and pushes it under his
nose.)LANKMister. Do you see this gun?BOBBYYa?LANKIt tends to have
a mind of its own.(BOBBY looks at the gun; then at LANK.)
BOBBYVun out of two ain't bad.LANKThat isn't
funny!POLLYLank!LANKMister, I want you out of this town in
twenty-four hours!(He exits.)EVERETT(To BOBBY:)How I wish you could
have seen Polly's mother on that stage. Standing there behind the
footlights ...POLLYMr. Zangler? If you really can save this place,
I ... well, I guess I'm gonna be mighty grateful.(She shakes his
hand.)BOBBY... Let's hope so, ya?(BOBBY kisses the back of her
hand, European style, then turns to the boys.)BOBBYSo. Who vould
like to audition?(No response.)To be in show.(No response.)... To
vork with girls.COWBOYS(Erupting immediately:)Yes sir! O-kay! Now
you're talkin'!(THE COWBOYS race into the theater, whooping and
hollering. BOBBY exits with them. EVERETT hangs back for a word
with POLLY.)EVERETTNow that's the kind of man you should
marry.POLLYDad, would ya cut it out! ... When I'm ready to get
married, I'll let ya know.
EVERETTBy that time, you'll have to contact me through a
medium.(EVERETT exits into the theater. POLLY is alone on the
street. It's quiet now. She looks around, and suddenly feels
lonely.)
__/7/ SOMEONE TO WATCH OVER ME (Polly)POLLYThere's a saying
oldSays that love is blind.Still, we're often told,"Seek and ye
shall find."So I'm going to seek A certain lad I've had in
mind.Looking evrywhere,Haven't found him yet;He's the big affairI
cannot forget--Only man I ever think of with regret.I'd like to add
his initials to my monogram.Tell me, where is the shepherd for this
lost lamb?
There's a somebody I'm longing to see:I hope that heturns out to
beSomeone who'll watch over me.
I'm a little lamb who's lost in the wood;I know I couldalways be
goodTo one who'll watch over me.
Although he may not be the man someGirls think of as handsome,To
my heart he carries the key.
Won't you tell him please to put on some speed,Follow my
lead?Oh, How I needSomeone to watch over me.Someone to watch over
me.(The music segues to the next number.)1-7-37
ACT ONEScene EightLOBBY OF THE GAIETY THEATER, two weeks later,
mid-morning. There's a door to the street, and double doors at the
back leading into the auditorium. To one side, there's a ticket
counter, now used for the post office. Behind it is a telephone
switchboard. As the set moves into place and the lights come up,
various GIRLS and COWBOYS carry a bass fiddle into the theater.
Some of the GIRLS stay in the lobby and start dusting and painting.
There is a general refurbishment going on. __* /8/ INCIDENTAL:
REHEARSAL-SLAP THAT BASS (Piano & Drums)
Meanwhile, the COWBOY TRIO is rehearsing with PATSY, who's
teaching them a dance step. MINGO is dancing with SAM, and MOOSE is
dancing with PATSY. It isn't going too well.[NOTE: This scene can
be played at the top of Scene Nine, i.e., on the stage of the
theater, in which case the action moves continuously from the end
of this scene into the beginning of what is now designated as Scene
Nine.]PATSY & THE TRIOStep, zoom, step, step,Step, zoom, step,
step,Step, zoom, step, step -(PATSY, exasperated, finally yells,
"NO---!" Music and dancing stop TESS looks at the "rehearsal." It's
unbearably awful.)TESSWell, that looks terr ...
ific.PATSYThanks.
-------------------------------------------------------------*This
number is also used at the beginning of Scene Nine.
TESSMaybe you'd better work on the Act One
finale.PATSYRight.TESSI'll go help Zangler with the rehearsal.(TESS
exits into the theater, still amazed at the BOYS'
clumsiness.)PATSYOkay, fellas. Smile!(They turn on big smiles;
PATSY calls out her instructions:)Now:Hands out, hands together,
hands on head.Hands out, hands together, hands on hips.Hands out,
hands together, hands on chest.(The COWBOYS put their hands on
PATSY's chest.)PATSYNot my chest. Your chest!THE BOYSRight. Right.
Let's try it again! One more time!PATSYOne more time(She takes a
giant step backwards -- and is about to start again, when POLLY
enters from the street. Simultaneously the phone starts
ringing.)THE BOYS'Mornin', Polly.POLLYDon't forget, rehearsal in
ten minutes!MINGOAnother rehearsal? Heck, I've been ready for a
whole week!(PATSY and THE BOYS exit to the theater.)POLLY(Plugging
into a phone line at the switchboard.)Gaiety Theater and U.S. Post
office. The show opens tomorrow night at eight o'clock. Just get
off at the junction, then it's about an hour's walk. ... Hello? ...
Hello?!
(LANK enters, as POLLY disconnects and goes to work, putting up
a poster.)LANKWell, well, well. The busy bee is hard at
work.POLLYLank, this here's a theater and a post office. You can
buy a ticket or a stamp. Otherwise, go back to your
saloon.LANKPolly, you are wasting your time! The show is doomed. Do
you honestly think that anyone is going to pay good money to see a
bunch of singing numbskulls?(He opens the doors to the auditorium,
and we hear the awful rehearsal continuing: "Hands out, hands
together, hands on head:" As he closes the door, PETE enters from
the street.)PETE'Mornin', Polly.POLLY'Mornin', Pete.LANKNow what
does this man know about the theater? Hm?POLLYLay off him,
Lank.LANK(Putting his arm around PETE.)Perhaps you would tell us,
sir, your views of the contemporary American stage.PETE... Heck, I
dunno.LANK"Heck, I don't know." I'd say that's fairly
trenchant.PETEI s'pose you could say that ... Eugene O'Neill is
just beginnin' to explore the symbolism of Greek tragedy.(A beat,
then:)O' course, the realism of Anton Chekhov is still a pretty
important influence.(A beat, then:)And then there's Stanislavsky
-
LANK(Putting his hand over Pete's mouth.)Thank you!(POLLY,
pleased with herself, heads for the street.)POLLY'Bye,
Lank.LANKPolly, get back here - ! ... POLLY!!(She's
gone.)PETEHeadstrong, ain't she?(A beat, then:)Kind reminds me of
that gal in King Lear ...(LANK makes a lunge for PETE, who escapes
into the theater.)LANK(Pulling out his gun.)I'll stop this show if
it's the last thing I ever do!(At which point, the lobby opens out
into the stage of the theater, and LANK is engulfed by waltzing
COWBOYS.)1-8-41
ACT ONEScene NineSTAGE OF THE GAIETY THEATER, continuous. The
FOLLIES GIRLSare busy refurbishing the theater-- repainting the
proscenium, climbing ladders, hanging lights, etc. Meanwhile, BOBBY
(as ZANGLER) is teaching the COWBOYS a dance routine. __/8/
INCIDENTAL: REHEARSAL-SLAP THAT BASS (Piano & Drums)BOBBY &
THE BOYSStep, zoom, step, step, up, down, up, down,Step, zoom,
step, step, up, down, up, down,Step, zoom, step, step, up, down,
up, down,And one two three four five six -(The COWBOYS are dancing
with each other, and none of them is exactly Fred Astaire. MOOSE,
in particular, is a truly terrible dancer. As the rehearsal
deteriorates, and the noise of the repairs gets worse and worse,
BOBBY can't take it any longer.)BOBBYVould you stop already!
STOP!!(Silence.)I never seen such a mess!(To MOOSE:)You Nijinski.
Come over here.MOOSE(Going to BOBBY)The name is Moose.BOBBYOkay,
Moose. I got good news and bad news.MOOSEOh yeah? What's the bad
news?BOBBYYou vill not be dancing in this number.MOOSEOh. What's
the good news?BOBBYYou vill not be dancing in this number.
MOOSE(Down-hearted:)Okay.(EVERYONE moans for MOOSE.)BOBBYVait,
vait, vait!(He looks around and spots a bass fiddle, which MITZI is
polishing.)Hold your horse, I got idea. Come here, big fella. You
play with this.(He takes the bass, hands it to MOOSE and walks
away. MOOSE puts the bass on his knee and strums it like a guitar
and starts singing "Bidin' My Time" with some of the other
cowboys.)BOBBYNo no no!(He takes the bass.)Here. You vatch me. Like
this.(He plucks out a rhythm, and hands it backto Moose.)Now you
try it. You're gonna be Jascha Heifetz of theOld Vest.
__/9/ SLAP THAT BASS (Bobby as Zangler & Company) (BOBBY
walks away ... and MOOSE starts to play, getting better and better,
soon ably plucking out the same jazzy rhythm that BOBBY just
played. BOBBY looks at him with surprise. He has an idea. He then
looks at TESS and PATSY, who have the same idea. Based on the
rhythm being plucked by MOOSE, BOBBY teaches the BOYS a number --
"Slap That Bass." During the number, the BOYS progress from sheer
klutziness to a surprising level of accomplishment and enthusiasm
-- all thanks to BOBBY. The GIRLS join in. POLLY wanders through
the number, carrying a costume that needs sewing, then watches the
rest of it from a perch on a ladder. During the number, we see her
watching BOBBY/ZANGLER with admiration.)BOBBY [as
ZANGLER]Zoom--zoom, zoom--zoom,The world is in a mess.With politics
and taxesAnd people grinding axes,There's no happiness.
BobbyZoom--zoom, zoom--zoom,Rhythm, lead your ace!The future
doesn't fret meIf I can only get meSomeone to slap that
bass.PETEHappiness is not a riddleWhen I'm listning to that big
bass fiddle.BOBBYSlap that bassGIRLSOH!PATSYSlap it till it's
dizzy.BOBBYSlap that bassGIRLSYEAH!TESSKeep the rhythm busy.TESS
& PATSYZoom, zoom, zoom--Misery--You got to go.BOBBYSlap that
bass--TESS, PATSY, WYATT & JIMMYUse it like a tonic.BOBBYSlap
that bass -THE COMPANYKeep your Philharmonic.
Zoom, zoom, zoom--And the milk and honey will flow!SAM &
MINGODictators would be better offIf they zoom-zoomed now and
then;
GIRLSZoom, Zoom, Zoom!PETEToday you can see that the happiest
menGIRLSOh!THE COMPANYAll got rhythm.
TESS & PATSYBOYSIn which case,BOOM--BOOM, BOOMIf you want to
bubble--BOOM--BOOM, BOOMbobbyslap that bass;BOOM--BOOM, BOOMslap
away your trouble.BOOMBOOM.THE COMPANYLearn to zoom, zoom,
zoom--Slap that bass!(Vocal scat section - 12 bars a cappella.)BOYS
(Bass)Boom, Boom,Boom, Boom, Boom, Boom, Boom,(Bass - Repeat, Add:)
GIRLS (ALTO)
Zoom, Zoom,Zoom, Zoom,(Bass & Alto - Repeat, Add:) BOYS
(TENOR)
Zoodledy Doodledy Boom, BoomBoom, Boom.(Bass, Tenor & Alto -
Repeat, Add:) GIRLS (SOPRANO)
Boomity Bangity Zing, Zing,Zoom, Zoom, Zoom.(Tenor, Soprano
& Alto - Repeat) BOYS (BASS)
Zoom, Zoom, Zoom, Zoom,Zoom, Zoom, Zoom, Zoom.FULL COMPANYZoom,
Zoom, Zoom, Zoom,Zoom, Zoom, Zoom, Zoom.Zoom!
(Dance Break.)BOYS(JIMMY, WYATT, BILLY, SAM, CUSTUS & PETE,
during dance break shouted in rhythm:)Hands out, hands together,
hands on head!Hands out, hands together, hands on hips!Hands out,
hands together, hands on chest!COMPANYDictators would be better
offIf they zoom-zoomed now and then;Today you can see that the
happiest menAll got rhythm!
All got rhythm!
In which case,If you want to bubble--Slap that bass;Slap away
your trouble.Learn to zoom zoom zoom
Slap that bass!(When the number's over, the BOYS and GIRLS hoot
with triumph. They've really accomplished something.)BOBBYOkay,
vonce more from the top.(The COMPANY groans.)
That vas joke! Lunch, lunch, lunch!(The COMPANY
disperses.)TESS(To BOBBY:)Not too shabby, kiddo!(TESS exits - at
which point, IRENE enters, carrying a suitcase. She's obviously
just arrived in town. BOBBY, looking the other way, doesn't see her
enter.)IRENEExcuse me. I'm looking for someone named Bobby
Child.(BOBBY turns and sees her -- and panics.)
BOBBY(Trying to get away, covering his facewith a towel.)I have
not seen him lately. Maybe you should try Vyoming.IRENE...
BOBBY!!!BOBBY(Dropping the towel; in his own voice:)Irene. Hi
...IRENEWhat the hell are you doing?!BOBBYWell, I-I-I-I'm putting
on a show. I'm Bela Zangler.IRENEYou look like Karl Marx. ... Why
in God's name would you dress up like some idiot in the middle of
Nevada -?!(At which point, POLLY runs in with some flyers and
hurries up to BOBBY, flushed with excitement.)POLLYMr. Zangler?(To
IRENE:)Hi. Excuse me.(To BOBBY, with adoration:)I just gotta tell
ya, I mean, what you're doing' here, it's like a miracle!(She
kisses him.)BOBBYThank you ...POLLYI'll be back in a minute. I
gotta get these flyers off to Sky bluff!(She hurries off into the
wings.)BOBBY(Calling to her:)Take your time!IRENE... I should have
known.BOBBYIrene -
IRENEYou're doing this for her!BOBBYWell, not exactly
-IRENEBobby! I saw that revolting look in your eyes. Like a cow who
needs milking.BOBBYIrene -!IRENEAnd I'm sure she'd love to hear all
about the real you.BOBBYHey. Come on! You wouldn't do that!IRENEWe
are leaving here tomorrow morning.BOBBYJust one sec -IRENE(Grabbing
him by the lapels.)Bobby, you are talking to a frustrated
woman!BOBBYI can see that -(She kisses him on the lips. He
struggles in vain, as POLLY hurries in.)POLLYMr. Zangl - ... Oh.
Sorry.BOBBY(Disengaging himself from IRENE.)Polly ... Polly ...
Polly ... Ve have a visitor.(To IRENE:)Polly is only voman living
in Deadrock.IRENEI guess that's why she looks so tired.BOBBYPolly,
this is a very old friend of mine.POLLYWell, she sure moves good
for her age.
IRENEMy age? I suppose you just had your coming-out
party.POLLYOh, I never had a comin'-out party. I never even knew
what the word meant till I saw that dress of yours.IRENEWould you
like to borrow it?POLLYWell, not till I'm buried.BOBBY(To
IRENE:)She vas making a joke ...IRENEI suppose it must look rather
odd to you, not having any leather fringe on it.POLLYThat's okay.
Your hair kinda makes up for it.BOBBYI just knew you two vould be
good friends.(By which time, LANK has entered.)LANKExcuse me. Mr.
Zangler? May I speak with you for a moment?BOBBY... Ya?(LANK grabs
BOBBY roughly by the shirt-front.)LANKListen, you! I want you out
of here on the next train!BOBBYYou don't like show?LANKNo I don't
like show. And I don't like you hanging around my woman all
day!BOBBYYou vould prefer all night?(LANK shakes him hard.)Ow!
LANKMaybe you'd better take a look at something.(He reaches into
his breast pocket and pulls out a piece of paper.)Read
that.BOBBY... It's a vedding license.LANKHave I made my intentions
clear enough for you?BOBBYI guess so, but ... I just don't vant to
marry you.LANKYou are close to an idiot!(BOBBY looks at him ...
then takes a giant step away.)LANKThat isn't funny.BOBBYFine. Now
leave my theater.LANKI'm warning you, Zangler - !BOBBYGet out of
here! Now! I am busy man!!LANKYou haven't seen the end of
me!BOBBYIf it's like the front, I don't vant to see it!IRENE(To
LANK:)Excuse me. You don't by chance have a hotel in this
town?LANK(Sensing a rich customer.)Well. As a matter of fact, I own
that beautiful hotel, right next door.IRENEGood. Can you give a
room and a bath?
LANK(Offended:)Madam, I can give you a room, but you'll have to
take your own bath.(LANK exits. IRENE gives BOBBY a look and exits
with her suitcase.)BOBBYPolly, ve have important talk now,
ya?POLLYSure. What's up?BOBBYI vant to speak to you about Bobby
Child.POLLYOh, him.BOBBYPolly, he is a vonderful boy. Handsome.
Talented. Brave.POLLYI ain't even seen him for days. Which is lucky
for him!BOBBYPolly, he has told me, he is ... crazy for
you.POLLYWell, I can't help that. I'm already spoken for.BOBBY...
You are?!POLLYYeah. In my heart, anyway.BOBBYIt is that ... Lank
person, ya?(Music starts under for next number.)I tell you, I don't
like him! He is totally wrong for you -!POLLYIt isn't Lank!BOBBY...
Moose?POLLY(Sighs.)You just don't understand anything, do ya?
___/10/ EMBRACEABLE YOU (Polly & Bobby as
Zangler)POLLYDozens of men would storm up;I had to lock my
door.Somehow I couldn't warm upTo one before.BOBBYPete. ...
Sam?POLLYWhat was it that controlled me?What kept my love-life
lean?BOBBY(Counting off the men on his fingers)Lank, Moose, Pete,
Sam ...POLLYMy intuition told meYou'd come on the scene.BOBBY...
Me?!POLLY(Putting his hand on her heart.)Mister, listen to the
rhythm of my heartbeat,BOBBYUh oh.POLLYAnd you'll know just what I
mean.BOBBYPolly, you are making big mistake here -!POLLYEmbrace
me,My sweet embraceable you.BOBBYI think ve gotta talk about this
-POLLYEmbrace me,YOU irreplaceable you.
BOBBYThis is not vhat I vas planning -POLLYJust one look at
you--my heart grew tipsy in me;(She strokes the side of his head,
and he screams for fear of his wig moving:)BOBBYNo no no no no no
no!!POLLYYou and you alone bring out the gypsy in me.BOBBYThat's
because I am Hungarian -POLLY(Getting very hot now:)I love allthe
many charms about you;BOBBYYou are making big joke now, ya
-?POLLYAbove all.I want my arms about you.BOBBYOkay. It's not a
joke ...POLLYDon't be a naughty babyCome to Polly--come to
PollY--do!My sweet embraceable you.(As the refrain plays in the
orchestra, she takes him in her arms and begins to dance with him
around the stage. He's fighting his impulse to give in to
her.)BOBBYNow just imagine if I vas Bobby.POLLYYou dance even
better than he does.BOBBYNo, I don't think so ...(They continue to
dance.)
POLLYIn your arms I find love so delectable, dear,I'm afraid it
isn't quite respectable, dear.
But hang it!Come on, let's glorify love!Ding dang it!You'll
shout "Encore!" if I love.
Don't be a naughty baby,Come to Polly--come to
Polly--do!(Finally, he comes to her.)Polly and BobbyMy sweet
embraceable...(As they kiss, the music swells. They kiss
passionately, as the lights change, and the next scene erupts
around them. Music segues on applause.)1-9-54
ACT ONEScene TenBACKSTAGE OF THE GAIETY THEATER, Saturday night,
about 7 o'clock.We see two dressing rooms in cutaway -- one for the
GIRLS and one for the BOYS -- separated by a corridor down the
middle. In and around the dressing rooms, the GIRLS and the BOYS
are getting ready for the show -- putting on makeup, pulling on
costumes, etc. There an opening night atmosphere of excitement and
anticipation. ___/11/ TONIGHTS THE NIGHT (Chorus)BOYSHands out,
hands together, hands on head!Hands out, hands together, hands on
hips!Hands out, hands together, hands on chest!THE COMPANYI've just
got a feeling:Tonight's the night!Let's tear down the
ceiling--Tonight's the night!Take the chain and ball off--For now
on I'm free;
This is where I fall offThe family tree.There's no fun in being
an angel child;I hear the call of the wild.If the worst should
happen, it serves me right--Tonight's the night!(The music
continues as an underscore.)CUSTUSOpening night! Gal-darn, this is
fun! I ain't seen so much excitement around here since my horse
foaled.PATSYWow! It must be hard to fold a horse!(The music comes
up, then goes down again, as POLLY hurries through the BOYS'
dressing room, handing out programs. BOBBY (as BOBBY) is pursuing
her.)
BOBBYPolly, would you listen to me?! It's about Zangler!POLLYOf
all the times for you to show up -!(They get to the
corridor.)BOBBYYou kissed him, didn't you?!(This stops
her.)POLLY... Have you been spyin' on us?!BOBBYOf course not! He
... he-he-he told me!POLLYYa know, I'm not surprised that you are
jealous of him.BOBBYJealous - ?!POLLYThe man is a do-er, Bobby. He
has accomplished things. He is just so full of energy and vision
-!(She starts to go.)BOBBYPolly, you are falling in love with the
wrong man!!(POLLY exits into the GIRLS' Dressing Room,leaving BOBBY
in the corridor.)BOBBYWhy am I so much better as Zangler?!(BOBBY
exits through the GIRLS' Dressing Room -- evoking screams of
protest. The music comes up and then goes down again. At this
moment, EVERETT heads through the BOYS' Dressing Room, pursued by
LANK. LANK is carrying a suitcase full of money. They reach the
corridor:)LANKEverett, would you listen to me!EVERETTI'm not
interested.
LANK(Opening the case to give EVERETT a look, then snapping it
shut.)Three hundred dollars if you call off the show -EVERETTKeep
your money, Lank.LANK(Pulling out even more money.)All right, four
hundred!EVERETTInvest in something. Start a ... casino.LANKDon't be
stupid! Who would come to Nevada to gamble?!(EVERETT exits through
the GIRLS' Dressing Room, causing screams, leaving LANK in the
corridor. The music comes up, then goes down again. At this moment,
IRENE storms through the BOYS' Dressing Room, catching some of the
BOYS with their pants down.)THE BOYS(Covering themselves;
embarrassed:)Hey, lady! What are ya doin?! Would you get outta
here!(IRENE enters the corridor and sees LANK.)IRENEHave you seen
"Zangler"?! He's been avoiding me all day!LANKMadam, that is your
problem.IRENEIt's both our problems! If the show succeeds, you
could lose Polly and I could lose Bobby!LANKWho's
Bobby?IRENEZangler!LANK"Bobby Zangler?"
IRENEHis name is "Child!"LANK"Child Zangler?"IRENENo, you idiot!
Zangler is Child!LANKWell, he certainly acts grown up.IRENEYou are
so stupid!!LANKI'm stupid - ?!!(They exit arguing. The music comes
up.)ALLThere's no fun in being an angel child;I hear the call of
the wild.(Music goes down again, as JIMMY, holding binoculars, runs
into the GIRLS' Dressing Room and shouts over "train"
vamp:)JIMMYHOLD IT EVERYBODY! I SPOTTED SOME PEOPLE COMIN, STRAIGHT
FROM THE STATION!(The BOYS run out through the GIRLS' Dressing
Room, as the GIRLS finish the song.)THE GIRLSIf the worst should
happen, it serves me right--Tonight's the night!(As they sing, the
dressing rooms slide off and the scene changes.)1-10-58
ACT ONEScene ElevenMAIN STREET, DEADROCK, immediately following.
As the song fades away, IRENE and LANK are coming out of the
theater, still arguing, followed by POLLY and EVERETT, then the
rest of the cast. A large banner over the theater reads: "ZANGLER
FOLLIES".IRENEFor God's sake, do something!LANKWould you stop
nagging! I am not your husband!IRENEIf you were my husband, I'd
kill myself.LANKQuick! Find a minister!IRENEI did not come here to
be insulted!LANKOh? Where do you usually go?!(LANK and IRENE exit
into the saloon.)POLLYOh, Dad. Where's Bela?! He should be here for
this!(Calling into the saloon.)Bela!(BOBBY hurries out as ZANGLER,
still pulling his coat on.)BOBBYI vas just upstairs, talking to
Bobby -POLLYNot now!BOBBYHe is just so full of energy and vision!
He is a do-er, Polly! He has accomplished things -!(POLLY gives
BOBBY a kiss.)
POLLYThat's for luck.(At this moment, JIMMY calls down from the
roof of the theater:)JIMMYHERE THEY COME! THEYRE ROUNDIN THE
BEND!(A cheer from the cast. IRENE and LANK come out of the saloon
to watch. A beat, then for a moment, no one appears. Then, from the
desert, EUGENE and PATRICIA -- a chirpy English couple in their
mid-30's -- stride into view. They seasonedtravelers, and the walk
from the station hasn't tired them a bit. THEY see the assembled
COMPANY and smile affably.)EUGENEHallo.PATRICIAGood
evening.EUGENEIs this Deadrock, Nevada?WYATTIt sure is.EUGENEJolly
good.POLLYWhere's everybody else?PATRICIAEveryone else?POLLYFrom
the train!PATRICIAI didn't see anyone else on the train, did you,
dear?EUGENEOh, now wait. There was that rather older gentleman. We
left the poor chap somewhere in the desert.PATRICIAFrankly, I'm not
sure he'll make it.(They laugh at this.)
TESSYou mean there's just the two of you?EUGENEI'm afraid so. Is
that a problem.(Stunned silence. Everyone just looks at each
other.)POLLY(Bravely:)... No. No, that's okay. I guess you want to
buy your tickets now.EUGENETickets?POLLYTo see the show!(She points
at the COMPANY and they strike a pose.)THE COMPANYTa da!PATRICIAOh,
dear.EUGENEI'm afraid we're not here to see a stage
show.POLLYYou're not?EUGENEOh, no no no. You see, we're writing a
sort of guide book to the American West.PATRICIAWe hope to do a
series of them.EUGENE(Extending his hand.)The name is Fodor. I'm
Eugene. This is Patricia.PATRICIA(Consulting her notes.)Now let's
see. We're here to review the ... "Lank Hawkins Saloon bar, Hotel
and Restaurant."(A beat, then LANK comes forward.)
LANKWell, well, well! How do you do. Lank Hawkins. Proprietor of
the said establishment.PATRICIAOh, lucky us!EUGENEAre we still in
time for dinner, Mr. Hawkins?LANKAbsolument. Bien soor.(He leads
them to the saloon.)Entrez.(The FODORS exit.)LANK(To BOBBY:)The
clouds part, and justice reigneth supreme.(LANK laughs with delight
and exits into the saloon. IRENE follows him in. For a moment,
there's dead silence. The entire COMPANY has hit rock bottom. POLLY
is ready to cry.)CUSTUS... I can't believe it. After all the
rehearsin'.PETEMaybe some people are comin' by car.EVERETTNo. No. I
wouldn't count on it.(Long pause.)BOBBY(Quietly:)I believe I owe
you all ... a very big apology, ya?EVERETT(Heartbroken:)... No. No.
It's not your fault.BOBBYBut it is, I'm afraid. I put on show,
raise your hopes, and do not sell for you a single ticket.(Pause;
to POLLY:)I am truly sorry.
(BOBBY, stricken, heads slowly for the saloon.)POLLYNow wait a
second! So what if we didn't sell any tickets? That doesn't mean
we're a failure.BOBBYIn the theater business, it's a pretty good
indication.POLLYWell, not out here it ain't. I mean, look at all
you've given us. Just look around! Before you came along, we were
nothin' but a bunch of ... lazy drifters. We didn't do anything!
Then you showed up and ... somethin' magical happened. We've been
workin' together, and carin' about things and feelin' alive!
___/12/ I GOT RHYTHM (Polly & Company)POLLYDays can be
sunny,with never a sigh;Don't need what moneycan buy.
Birds in the tree singtheir dayful of song.Why shouldn't we
singalong?
I'm chipper all the day,Happy with my lot.How did I get that
way?Look at what I've got:
I got rhythm,I got music,I got my man--Who could ask for
anything more?
I got daisiesIn green pastures,I got my man--Who could ask for
anything more?
Old man trouble,I don't mind him--You won't find him'Round my
door.
I got starlight,I got sweet dreams,
I got my man--Who could ask for anything more--Who could ask for
anything more?JUNIORI got rhythm,CUSTUSI got music,POLLYI got my
man--JUNIOR & CUSTUSWho could ask for anything more?PETEI got
daisiesWYATTIn green pastures.POLLYI got my man--JUNIOR, CUSTUS,
PETE & WYATTWho could ask for anything more?POLLYCOMPANYOld man
trouble,Ooh----I don't mind him--You won't find himOoh----Hangin'
'round my front or back door.EVERETTI got starlight,WYATTI got
sweet dreams,POLLYI got my man--Who could ask for anything
more--THE BOYSWho could ask for anything more?(Dance break.)
_____/12-I/ DANCE-PART ONE: I GOT RHYTHM (Polly &
Company)THE COMPANYOld man trouble,I don't mind him--You won't find
him'Round my door. POLLYI got rhythm,Ah ...I got music,I got my
man/GAL--Who could ask for anything more? POLLYI got daisiesAh
...In green pasturesI got my man/GAL--Who could ask for anything
more?(Dance break.)
______/12-II/ DANCE-PART TWO: I GOT RHYTHM (Company)
(A pause before the final lines -- when out of the desert,
exhausted and limping, BELA ZANGLER enters Deadrock, carrying a
suitcase.)ZANGLERVater ... Vater ...(No one sees him, or hears him
above the music, and he collapses to the ground in a dead faint, as
the COMPANY sings the final lines at the top of their lungs:)
Who could ask for anything more?!
Who could ask for anything more?!
End of Act One1-11-65
___/13/ ENTRACTE: THE REAL AMERICAN FOLK SONG (Cowboy Trio &
Chorus)
ACT TWOScene OneINSIDE LANK's SALOON, fifteen minutes later. The
COMPANY is having a party, dancing and drinking. EUGENE and
PATRICIA are at a table, finishing dinner. LANK is beaming. MOOSE,
MINGO, SAM and POLLY are entertaining with a song:Cowboy Trio
(MINGO, MOOSE & SAM)The real American folk song is a rag--A
mental jag--A rhythmic tonic for the chronic blues.The critics
called it a joke song, boy nowthey've changed their tuneAnd they
like it somehow.For it's inoculatedWith a syncopatedsort of
meter,Sweeterthan a classic strain;Boy! You can't remainStill and
quiet--For it's a riot!The real American folk songIs like a
fountain of youth:You taste, and it elates you,And then invigorates
you.The real American folk song--Master stroke song--Is a rag.
(TRIO sings a Scatt, Falsetto, Obbligatoto Orch. Refrain, 16
Bars.)THE COMPANYThe real American folk songIs like the fountain of
youth:You taste, and it elates you,And then, invigorates you.THE
COMPANY & THE TRIOThe real American folk song--Trio (MINGO,
MOOSE & SAM)Yippie i oh Ki-AI KAi-oh!
THE COMPANY & THE TRIOThe real American folk song -MINGO,
MOOSE AND SAMHoo-dle-lee hoo-day-ee hoo-dle-ee hoo-day-ee oh!THE
COMPANYThe real American folk song--Is a rag.
What a rag!
_____________/13 continued/ INCIDENTAL: AMERICAN RAG (Piano
solo)LANK(Still applauding after the others have stopped; to the
Fodors:)Just marvelous! Wasn't that wonderful? My God, this is a
nice place!EUGENEWe have a bit of laundry for you. Will that be all
right?LANKLaundry? No problem. Enchantee.PATRICIAAnd we'd like a
wake-up call, please, at five a.m.LANK... Five a.m.??EUGENEWe just
love seeing the dawn breaking out here in the West.LANK...
Right.PATRICIAGood night, all!EUGENENighty-night!LANKGood night!
Sleep well ... And quickly!(As the FODORS exit up the stairs, and
LANK exits to the back room, music out as BOBBY (as BOBBY) hurries
out of his room and down the stairs looking for POLLY. He spots her
at the bar.)
BOBBYPolly!POLLYI'm havin' a drink.BOBBYI've got to talk to
you.(He leads her away from the bar.)This is important.POLLYWhat's
up?BOBBYPolly ...(He takes a breath -- and almost kneels.)I've
really thought about this, and ... well, it could be my last chance
and ... Polly, I want you to marry me.POLLYBobby -BOBBYLook, I-I-I
realize the show didn't work -POLLYIt's not that -BOBBYBut I'll get
a job, out here, and raise the money -!POLLYYou can't do
that.BOBBYOf course I can! Are you kidding? I'll-I'll-I'll be a
cowpoke. I'll learn to poke cows.POLLYBobby. The fact is, I'm in
love with Bela.BOBBYPolly -POLLYOut there on the street just now,
it was like a celebration of what our show would have been like,
thanks to him -BOBBYPolly -
POLLYI just can't help it! Whenever I'm with him, I feel
somethin' strange, sorta ... down in my basement.(Pause.)I'm sorry,
Bobby.(She gives him a quick kiss on the cheek, then heads for the
door.)BOBBY... Polly!(She turns. Pause. )BOBBY... I've got to tell
you something.POLLYWhat?BOBBY... You're not going to believe
this.POLLYWhat?!BOBBYI'm Bela Zangler.POLLY... Huh?BOBBYI'm
Zangler. Me. I'm him.(The explanation pours out of him.)You see,
when you got so mad at me, that first day, I-I-I realized there was
only one way I could help, so I called up Tess, and-and-and she
brought the clothes and the beard and ... that's who you fell in
love with.(Pause.)POLLYBobby, this is pathetic.BOBBYBut it's
true!POLLYHow can ya stand there and just lie like this -?
BOBBYLook, I'll do the accent, okay? "Vell vell vell, it is so
nice to see you today -"POLLY(Overlapping:)You are makin' such a
fool of yourself -BOBBY"Ve have rehearsal now,
ya?"POLLY(Overlapping:)This is so sad -BOBBY"First ve practice a
little tap-dancing -"POLLYBobby, stop it! I just hate this
-!BOBBYPolly, you've got to believe me! I'm Zangler!(At this
moment, ZANGLER staggers in from the street, parched and barely
able to stand up.)ZANGLERVater ... vater ...(He grabs a bottle of
whiskey from the reception desk and starts to drink.)BOBBYI'll show
you the clothes and-and the beard and makeup! They're upstairs!
I'll prove it to you!POLLYHi, Bela!BOBBY(Glancing over his
shoulder.)Hi, Bela.(Back to POLLY:)Polly, I wouldn't lie to you!
I'd never ..........(He stops cold. He looks at ZANGLER -- then
drops to the ground. A group from the bar gathers 'round him in
concern.)POLLY'Night, Bobby. Nice try.
(She heads for ZANGLER.)PATSYHey, Bobby! Are you all
right?!POLLY(To ZANGLER:)Hi.ZANGLERHow do you do.(She kisses him on
the mouth. BOBBY sees it and groans. She kisses ZANGLER again, with
increasing passion. BOBBY groans louder and grabs a bottle of
liquor from CUSTUS. As the kiss continues, POLLY rubs her hand down
ZANGLER's leg.)BOBBYOh, my God ...(BOBBY heads up the stairs,
drinking from the bottle. At last, POLLY breaks the
kiss.)ZANGLERThank you.POLLY(Sexy:)'Night, Bela.(Matter-of-factly,
calling up the stairs:)'Night, Bobby!(POLLY exits. BOBBY groans and
exits into his room. ZANGLER is staring at the door where POLLY
exited. TESS hurries up to ZANGLER.)TESSBela! What are you doing
here?!ZANGLERI don't know, but I'm coming back.TESSYou could ruin
everything!ZANGLERTessie! I have come three thousand miles just to
bevith you!
(He starts kissing her arm and works his wayto her
neck.)TESSStop it, stop it. Would you - Oooooooh.(She's momentarily
turned on; then get a hold of herself.)Bela, how many times do I
have to tell you?! I don't enjoy your company, I'm bored when I'm
with you, and I don't find you even remotely attractive.ZANGLERYou
see? Ve could be married already.TESSAnd how is Mrs.
Zangler?ZANGLERShe left me.TESSYou're kidding.ZANGLERShe is running
around vith some stinking louse!TESSI guess she couldn't break the
habit.ZANGLERTessie! Vhy do you say such things?! You know I vould
do anything for you!TESS(A sudden thought.)...
Anything?ZANGLERVithin reason.TESS... I think I have an idea.(TESS
drags ZANGLER to a corner of the room and they continue to talk.
Meanwhile, IRENE and LANK enter at the balcony at the same time,
each from a different room.)IRENEMr. Hawkins!
LANKWhat?!IRENE(Thrusting her room-service tray at LANK.)In case
you're wondering, the coffee was cold, the food was inedible, and
the cutlery was filthy.LANKMadam, if you don't like it here, I can
show you the wide open spaces!IRENEI have no desire to look inside
your head!(THE BOYS laugh, as IRENE exits back into her room and
LANK heads down the stairs and exits to the back room.)LANK...
GOD!(He's gone. At which point, we refocus on ZANGLER and
TESS.)ZANGLERI do not do shows in desert!TESSWe have the show! We
need an audience.ZANGLERThis is middle of no place!TESSWell
advertise! Get the word out! You could do it!ZANGLERIt is
impossible!TESS(A beat, then:)Fine. Don't ever kiss this neck
again.(She walks away, but ZANGLER follows her.)ZANGLERTessie,
please! It vouldn't vork! This is town of morons!TESSThat is so
typical.
ZANGLERTessie -TESSThese are nice, normal, healthy people.(At
this moment, WYATT comes up to TESS and takes her arm.)WYATTHey,
sugar, how 'bout a drink?TESSYou got it,
buster.ZANGLERTessie!BILLYHey! Wait a second! That's my
woman!WYATT(Laughing:)Well, not anymore.BILLYI SAID LET HER
GO!!WYATTI SAID NO!!(The two BOYS start fighting: a right to the
jaw,a left to the stomach. Instantly, some of the other BOYS join
the battle. JIMMY crashes in through the bar doors and starts
shooting. Gunfire is exchanged. The BOYS are dying right and left.
The battle ends with JIMMY shooting BILLY, who falls from the
balcony onto the bar, then onto the floor, rolling over and over as
he dies. Meanwhile, the GIRLS are screaming. A beat, then BILLY
rolls over for a last time. Silence. Then ZANGLER pours himself a
drink, his hand shaking.)ZANGLERNice, normal, healthy people
...(The dead men rise and dust themselves off.)BILLYIt's gettin'
better.
CUSTUSWhich one was that?WYATTThe Dalton Boys meet the Clanton
Gang!PATSYYou were so brave!WYATTThank ya, ma'am.(The BOYS and
GIRLS - including TESS - drift out to the street. ZANGLER stares
after them in amazement, retracing BILLY's fall with his finger. By
this time, everyone's gone, his bottle is empty, and he's extremely
drunk. He's alone in thesaloon. He walks to the bar for another
bottle.)ZANGLER(Calling out:)Tessie!(No answer.)Tessie ...(A beat,
then BOBBY -- in his ZANGLER costume -- appears at the top of the
stairs, falling-down drunk, carrying an empty whiskey
bottle.)BOBBY(With his ZANGLER accent -- which he uses throughout
the rest of the scene:)Polly! Look! It's me ...! Do you see? It's
me! ...(But she's gone; for a moment, we see the two
ZANGLERS.)Polly, Polly, Polly ...ZANGLERTessie, Tessie, Tessie
...(ZANGLER walks behind the bar for another bottle stumbles and
falls out of sight with a crash. BOBBY heads down the stairs, loses
his footing and careens down the steps, almost killing
himself.)BOBBY(Like a baseball umpire:)Safe!
(BOBBY manages to walk down the final step, then weaves his way
to the bar. On the bar are two plates, each with a hot dog in a bun
on a napkin. BOBBY puts down his empty bottle and hits the bar
three times, to call the bartender, but on the third hit, he falls
to the floor -- at which point, ZANGLER stands up, puts his full
bottle on the bar, sees BOBBY's empty, takes it, and ducks behind
the bar again -- just as BOBBY stands up. In other words, they
still haven't seen each other. BOBBY now sees the full bottle, and
he takes it, along with one of the plates, and weaves toward the
table. As he goes, ZANGLER stands up again with another full
bottle. He takes the other plate and follows BOBBY to the table.
They both sit at the table (at the same time) still oblivious to
each other. Facing each other, they both take a bite of their hot
dogs and chew, looking straight at each other. A mirror image. They
assume it's a mirror and therefore don't react. They just chew.
Then they each take another bite and chew some more. Then they bend
towards each other -- and they both wipe their mouths to remove
some mustard. They simultaneously uncork their bottles, pour a
drink into their shot glasses, cross their legs and drink -- and
then gargle.)BOTHShe doesn't vant me!(Pause.)Bela, Bela, Bela
...(They look at each other -- take off their glasses for a better
look -- pull their eyes open and see how awful they both look,
moan, and pour themselves another drink. ZANGLER is about to drink,
but BOBBY holds out his glass for a toast. ZANGLER notices this and
clinks glasses. They're about to drink, when they both realize that
this wouldn't happen in a mirror. They pause; then shrug and say
"Eh," and drink their drinks. They put down their drinks. BOBBY
belches loudly. ZANGLER hits his chest and says:)ZANGLERExcuse
me.(A beat, then they suddenly become bitter.)BOBBY... Vomen.
ZANGLERVomen.BOBBYI'm so upset.ZANGLERI am beside myself.(A
beat, then they look at each other.)
___/14/ WHAT CAUSES THAT? (Bobby & Zangler)ZANGLERShe's so
full of trickery--Life is bitter as chicory;Bitterness fills my
cup.BOBBYI'm sorry you brought that up.
Once I thought I'd search aroundFor the little church aroundThe
corner. but now I seeBOTHIt never was meant to be.ZANGLEROnce she
used to praise me--BOBBYWhy is she so high hat?ZANGLERBoy, does she
amaze me!BOTHTell me what causes that?BOBBYWhen I'm away from her I
start despairing--BOTHOy oy oy oy -ZANGLERYou ought to know by now
what causes that!BOBBYI got pretty good idea.
ZANGLERI'm growing balder from the hair I'm tearing--BOTHSheeee
...
You ought to know by now what causes that!
When she keeps on brushing you aside--Oh gosh, you're all at
sea!You go contemplating suicide--It's much too much for me!
You're not so dumb that you don't know the answer:Loving her is
what causes that!(They get their hands tangled in the backs oftheir
chairs.)ZANGLER(Climbing a chair.)If I should climb the Brooklyn
Bridge and jump off--BOBBYVait, you could hurt
yourself.ZANGLERThat's the idea.BOBBYOh, I suppose you'd ask, what
causes that?ZANGLERI'm depressed.BOBBYYou're depressed? I'm not
myself today.
If I should get a gun and bump this chump off--ZANGLERPoint that
thing the other vay!
Oh, I suppose you'd ask, what causes that?BOTHReally, you don't
have to mope aroundAnd burn up as you do;There's a cannon and rope
around;;There's lots of poison too.
I'm very blue of late and there's a reason:
ZANGLERLoving her ...BOBBYLoving her ...BOTHIs what causes
that!(They dance.)BOTHI'm very blue of late and there's a
reason:Loving her is what causes that!... Is what causes that!...
Is what causes that!... Is what causes that!(They weave their way
back to the table, try to grab their glasses and miss. They stumble
underneath the table -- reach up and get their glasses -- and
clink. On the last note of the song, they faint, out cold, their
heads next to each other. Blackout. On applause, music segues
to:)
____/14A/ SCENE CHANGE-BOBBY WAKES UP (Orchestra)
(Music fades out under opening dialogueof next Scene.)2-1-14
ACT TWOScene TwoLANK's SALOON, the next morning, about 10
o'clock. Sun is streaming in from the doorway. BOBBY and ZANGLER
are just where we left them -- out cold, looking identical, under
the table. PETE, JUNIOR and HARRY are cleaning up from the night
before. CUSTUS is also there. They're all depressed; and none of
them has noticed the two men under the table. After a beat, POLLY
enters with her mail bag and a few letters.POLLYMail call!(The BOYS
just look at her -- and go back to what they were doing. POLLY
sighs. It's the same old thing.)POLLYNow don't forget, we got a
company meetin' in twenty minutes over at the theater.CUSTUSI don't
see what that'll prove.JUNIORIt's too late now.POLLYWell we gotta
decide what to do, don't we? We still got two weeks left on that
mortgage.HARRYTwo weeks.PETEBig deal.POLLYWell we gotta do
somethin'. I'd rather sell the place to Lank than let that bank
have it.CUSTUS(Offering POLLY a mug of tea.)Tea?
POLLYThanks.(She takes a sip of tea as she flips through the
mail; she sees something for BOBBY and hollers up the
stairs:)POLLYHEY, BOBBY!!! YOU UP THERE?!!! HEY!!!(No
answer.)BOBBY!! YA GOT A TELEGRAM!!(BOBBY gets to his knees. He has
a hangover and a splitting headache. He also has no idea that he's
dressed as Zangler -- so of course, he uses his own
voice.)BOBBY(Singing:)I got rhythm, I got music. I got such a
headache! Ohhhhh ... Morning, Polly. Oh, my back! Oh, my legs! My
stomach! My throat! ...(He touches his cheek and can't find his
nose.)My nose?!(He finds his nose and sighs with relief.)... Is
that my telegram?(POLLY and the BOYS hear BOBBY'S voice from
ZANGLER's body, and stare at him dumbfounded. Throughout the
following speech, they continue to stare, without moving, their
mouths agape.)BOBBY(He takes the telegram out of her hand.)I'll be
it's from Mother again. That's just what I need right now.(He tears
the telegram open and reads it:)"Dear Fat-head. Stop." Yep. It's
Mom. "Stop this nonsense. Stop. This is your final notice. Stop."
Sounds like an electric bill. "Get back here on next train. Stop.
Don't stop. Stop. Will stop allowance if you stop. Stop. Your
loving mother. Stop.(A beat, then:)P.S. Your uncle stopped by."(A
beat, then:)I wish she'd write letters.(As he puts the telegram
away, he starts to realize that something's not right; he looks
around; nobody moves.)What's the matter? ... Polly? ... Hello
...?
POLLY(Almost a whisper)... Is that you?(At this point, ZANGLER
wakes up, moans and getsto his feet.)ZANGLER(Also hungover.)Ohhhhh
...(BOBBY sees ZANGLER.)BOBBYHi, Bela.(... and then it hits him; he
touches his beard.)Uh-oh.POLLY... Bobby?BOBBYHi. ... Well, I guess
you believe me now, huh? Are you ready for this?(He peels off his
beard and moustache.)This is the best part.(He pulls off his
wig.)Ta da!ZANGLER... Do you also do James Cagney?BOBBY(Singing, a
cappella:)"Embrace me, my sweet embraceable you." Remember that?
"Embrace me, you irreplaceable -(WHAP!!! She slaps him across the
face, sending him reeling.)BOBBYPolly - !(WHAP!!! She slaps him
again. A beat, then he falls to his knees, moans and holds the
sides of his head in pain.)BOBBYWhat was that for?! You're in love
with me. Youadmitted it!
POLLYThat was Zangler!ZANGLERMe?POLLYNot you!ZANGLERThere is
third Zangler?POLLYThe one I cared about! The real
Zangler!BOBBYThat's what I'm telling you! That was me!ZANGLERYou
mean you are real Zangler?BOBBYI'm not the real Zangler. I'm ...
Zangler.ZANGLERThen who am I?POLLYThat's what I want to
know!ZANGLER... I'm not so sure.POLLYI don't even know who I kissed
last night!!BOBBY & ZANGLER(Both raise their hands.)Me.POLLYOh,
my God ...ZANGLERShe kissed you too?BOBBYOf course she kissed
me!ZANGLERHad you met her before?
BOBBYI fell in love with her!ZANGLERThat must have been some
kiss.POLLYWould ya stop this!ZANGLERStop?POLLYStop!BOBBY(Pulling
out the telegram.)You sound like my mother.POLLY(To BOBBY>)You
made a jackass outta me.BOBBYNo, I didn't.POLLYOf course ya
did.BOBBYI did not!ZANGLERMaybe I did.BOBBY & POLLYWould you
stay out of this!(POLLY groans with embarrassment and heads angrily
for the door.)BOBBYPolly - !POLLY(Stopping at the door.)I have
never been so humiliated in my whole life.(She exits. Pause.)
CUSTUS(To BOBBY:)I guess you won't be at that meetin' now, will
ya?BOBBY... What meeting?JUNIORDown at the theater. We're decidin'
what to do.CUSTUSShe's thinkin' of sellin' the place to
Lank.BOBBYShe can't do that! You've got to stop her!THE BOYSOh,
yeah. Fat chance. (etc.)BOBBYWhat time's the meeting?MINGOIn about
ten minutes.BOBBY(Heading up the stairs.)I've got to change. Don't
start the meeting without me!(By this time, ZANGLER is on the
balcony, about to enter his room.)ZANGLERExcuse
me.BOBBYYeah?ZANGLERAre you going as me or
you?BOBBYMe.ZANGLERThat's good. Then I can go as me.(ZANGLER exits,
as BOBBY hurries up the rest of the stairs -- and runs straight
into IRENE, who comes out of her room.)
IRENEThere you are. Are you ready to go now?BOBBYI can't now!
I'm in a hurry!IRENEI've been waiting in this stinking town for
three days!BOBBYIrene, please! I don't have time!IRENEWell, make
some time! I am your fiancee.BOBBYNo, you're not!IRENEBobby
-!BOBBYIrene, I'm sorry. It's really over. I'm in love with
Polly.IRENEBobby -!BOBBYWish me luck.(He kisses her cheek.)You're a
pal.(He exits into his room.)IRENEBobby, come back here! Open
up!!(He's gone.)Damn! Damn! Damn!(At this moment, LANK runs in from
the corridor, clutching dirty laundry, past IRENE and down the
stairs, looking madly around for a place to hide.)LANKYou haven't
seen me!(At which point, PATRICIA and EUGENE enter from the
corridor. WYATT and MINGO enter from the street.)PATRICIAOh, Mr.
Hawkins!
(LANK freezes.)EUGENEYou won't be long with that laundry, will
you?LANK(The Frenchman:)No no no no no. Toot sweet.PATRICIAAnd we
do hate to bother you again, but we'd like some croissants with our
coffee. That won't be too much trouble, will it,
dear?LANKCroissants? No no no no no.PATRICIAIsn't he silly.(The
FODORS exit.)LANK(To himself:)I suppose if they were found dead
tomorrow morning there might be questions ...IRENEIt does say
"hotel," you know. On the sign.LANK... Excuse me?IRENEThe sign. It
says "hotel."LANKDoes it? Oh, my God, it does. Well, we'll just
take care of that, shall we?(He walks to the sign ... then suddenly
yanks it from the reception desk and starts banging it on the desk.
Venting his rage, he breaks it over his head, then mauls it into
little pieces and jumps on it, grunting and swearing. Just as
suddenly, the rage ends. During LANK's business, CUSTUS & PETE
exit through door behind reception desk.)LANKWell. Anything else
you'd like to complain about?
IRENEYou're a very frustrated man, aren't you?LANKOh, I see!
It's Dr. Freud now, is it?! Well, Doctor, what I really hate are
stupid women from New York who have their brains in their backsides
-!IRENEYou are, without a doubt, the rudest, most uncouth, roughest
man I ever met!(Without warning, she grabs him and kisses him full
on the lips. She breaks it and reels backward, hitting the
wall.)IRENEOh, my God ...(She kisses him again. Then she shoves him
into a chair and pulls the chair to the table.)IRENE(To the BOYS at
the table:)Move.(The BOYS scatter in fear, taking their bottles
with them.)
___/15/ NAUGHTY BABY (Irene, Lank & Male Quartet Junior,
Wyatt, Mingo & Harry)IRENEIf you want a girl who's
sentimental,One who'll never set you in a whirl,One who will be
always sweet and gentle,I am not that kind of girl.But if you
prefer a rather swift one,If you think you'd like to run aroundWith
a bright oneI am just the right one.(During the song, IRENE seduces
LANK.)
Naughty baby, Naughty baby, Who will tease you.I can show the
way And know the way To please you.If you're wanting a beginner,I
shan't do.I can make a saint a sinnerWhen I want to.If you find The
simple kind Are rather slow, dear,Then you ought to try A naughty
one You know, dear,But you'll never meet another who will beA
naughty baby, naughty baby just like me.
(Dance break. IRENE ties LANK's ankles and wrists with her
scarf, then dances with four of the BOYS to make LANK
jealous.)HARRY, WYATT, JUNIOR & MINGONaughty baby we love
you.IRENEAt Bryn Mawr, I was at the top of my class.HARRY, WYATT,
JUNIOR & MINGOThough you may be bad, it's true.IRENEAll the
boys were underneath.HARRY, WYATT, JUNIOR & MINGOPlease don't
go.For though we've been warned about you,You must knowThat we want
you so!(By this time, LANK has freed himself, and he throws the
four BOYS, one by one, out the door of the saloon.)IRENEIf you find
the simple kind are rather slow, dear,Then you ought to try a
naughty one, you know, dear,But you'll never meet another who will
beA naught baby, naughty babymLANKNaughty baby, naughty baby,HARRY,
WYATT JUNIOR & MINGO(Looking in through the door.)Naughty
baby,IRENEJust like me.(Blackout.)2-2-24
ACT TWOScene ThreeSTAGE OF THE THEATRE, tenminutes later, just
behind the curtain. EVERETT is alone with his vacuum cleaner (which
makes a very loud buzz), vacuuming the stage. His spirits are low.
After amoment, TESS and PATSY enter.TESS(Shouting over the
noise:)Everett! ... Everett, would you turn that thing
off!EVERETTWhat?PATSYWould you turn that thing off! The meeting is
starting!EVERETTI can't hear you with the machine on!TESSI said,
would you turn that thing - ...(She realizes how dumb she's being;
sighs and pulls the plug.)The meeting is starting.