COPING WITH CONFLICT When Relational Partners Disagree Chapter 14.

COPING WITH CONFLICTWhen Relational Partners Disagree

Chapter 14

Relational Conflict: Definition

Conflict— disagreement interdependent people perceived incompatible goals especially when resources

are scarce and goals are important

Conflict is inevitable in close relationshipsHow we manage it matters more than frequency

Conflict in Parent-Child & Sibling Relationships

Parents/Young children: Issues are related to autonomy/control

• Possession and rights, Caretaking, Hurtful behavior• Rules & manners, Assistance (helped or left alone)

Teens/parents: curfews, friends, dating, privacy Siblings: Same-sex siblings competitive

Cycles of friendly vs. competitive behavior But usually develop strong bonds as adults Common conflict issues involve space and privacy,

possessions and objects, parental attention

Conflict in Romantic Relationships Most romantic couples have 1-3 mild

disagreements per week, and 1 or 2 serious disagreements per month

16% of married, 35% of cohabiting, and 30% of dating couples can recall at least one violent act in their relationship in past year

Topics: division of household labor, jealousy and possessiveness, sex, work, money/possessions,

social networks (including in-laws), children

Effects of Conflict Negative conflict behaviors have negative effect

on relational satisfaction, commitment, stability Low satisfaction/commitment can lead to negative conflict

Children who witness their parents in frequent, aggressive conflict are more likely to: have trouble interacting with their peers engage in unproductive cycles of conflict as adults

Effects of ConflictWhy does parental conflict affect children?

Two possible explanations: Spill-Over Effect: parents who have

dysfunctional conflict styles likely have dysfunctional parenting styles as well

Socialization Effect: children model their parents’ conflict styles

Underscores the importance of parents managing their conflict constructively.

Conflict Styles

Direct

Indirect

Competitive Fighting

Compromising Collaborating

Indirect Fighting Avoiding Yielding

Uncooperative Cooperative

Competitive Fighting Competing to defeat the partner/win the

argument Win-lose orientation (I win, you lose) Specific tactics include:

• personal criticism• blaming or accusations• hostile questioning and teasing• presumptive attribution• demands and threats

Collaborating Focus on creative problem solving Win-win orientation Specific tactics include:

• staying on topic• inquiries about the partner’s feeling• support and empathy (active listening)• accepting responsibility• emphasizing commonalities • initiating problem-solving and brainstorming

Compromising Part win, part lose orientation Quality of compromise varies based on how

mutually acceptable the outcome is Specific tactics include:

• taking the middle ground • splitting the difference• alternating• appealing to fairness

Yielding Lose-win orientation (I lose, you win) Problematic if one person always gives in

because he/she feels threatened or powerless (the chilling effect)

Beneficial if the conflict issue is more important to one partner than the other

Specific tactics include:• appeasement (giving in)• smoothing over differences• passive acceptance of alternative positions

Avoiding Sometimes leads to a lose-lose situation

with issues left unresolved However, in some cases, avoiding is

beneficial. Specific tactics include:

• denying the conflict• being indirect and evasive• changing and/or avoiding topics• acting as if one doesn’t care

Indirect Fighting Passive-aggressive strategies Focus on dismissing or indirectly derogating

the partner’s position in an effort not to lose the argument

Specific tactics include:• ignoring the partner or giving the silent treatment• cold or dirty looks• rolling one’s eyes• sarcasm and contemptuous looks

Patterns of Conflict Interaction Negative Reciprocity

Set off by hostile behaviors (e.g., sarcasm, criticism, name-calling, yelling, accusations)

However, partner’s perceptions of hostility (negativity) is the key

Aggression begets aggression & complaint—counter complaint

Patterns that promote defensiveness and divert couple away from the issue(s) Gunnysacking, kitchen-sinking, bringing in third parties

Most couples do it, but satisfied couples also have positive behaviors (5 positive for every 1 negative)

Patterns of Conflict Interaction, cont. Common Couple Violence

Form of negative reciprocity: violence as way to vent emotions and try to control the conflict

Tends to be reciprocal Involves mild forms (pushing or throwing objects) to

very severe violent behavior (hitting, beating, using a weapon)

Repeated common couple violence (every 2 months or so)

Isolated common couple violence (one time but not in past year)

Patterns of Conflict Interaction, cont.

Demand-Withdrawal Interaction Pattern Increased demands—more withdrawal Increased withdrawal—more demands Problems of punctuation (who is the cause—

effect?) Changes can lead to greater satisfaction Women MAY do more demand and men more

withdraw But the reverse in violent relationships

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse Gottman’s (cascade) model includes the

sequence: Complaints and Criticism Contempt/Disgust Defensiveness (mind reading; whining) Stonewalling (more common for men than woman)

Patterns of Conflict Interaction, cont.

Figure 14.2, p. 346—Example of cascade

Patterns of Conflict Interaction, cont.

Accommodation People tend to retaliate against destructive

behavior Accommodation = ability to overcome this initial

tendency and instead engage in cooperative behavior

Couples in satisfying, committed relationships more often use accommodation

Explanations for Conflict Patterns Emotional flooding

Button pushing Empty threats

Communication skill deficits Argumentative versus verbal aggressiveness Ineffective listening

Effective listening: Let partner speak, Take partner’s perspective, Don’t jump to conclusions, Ask questions, Paraphrase what partner says (but don’t sound patronizing)

Attributions Internal (External), Stable (Unstable), Global (Specific)

Patterns of Attribution in Relationships: (see Fig. 14.3)

Satisfied/Happy Couples

Partner’s Behavior Your Attribution Partner’s Response

Positive

Negative

Internal

Stable

Global

External

Unstable

Specific

Positive

Positive

Patterns of Attribution in Relationships: Dissatisfied/Unhappy Couples

Partner’s Behavior Your Attribution Partner’s Response

Positive

Negative

External

Unstable

Specific

Internal

Stable

Global

Negative

Negative

Ten “Rules” for “Fair Fighting”

1. Avoid gunnysacking & kitchen sinking.

2. Do not bring other people into the conflict unless they are part of the conflict.

3. Attack positions, not people (no name-calling, button-pushing, or violence).

4. Avoid making empty relational threats.

5. If necessary, postpone conflict until emotions cool down.

6. Try to understand partner’s position by practicing active listening and avoiding mind-reading.

7. Use behavioral complaints rather than personal criticisms

Ten “Rules” for “Fair Fighting”

8. Try to accommodate rather than get defensive when you feel like you are being attacked. (Hard to do)

9. Try to validate your partner’s position by expressing agreement and positive affect rather than stonewalling or escalating conflict.

10. For every one negative statement or behavior, use five positive statements or behaviors.