CONFLICT MANAGEMENT Argument is usually a battlefield for a bigger issue.

CONFLICT MANAGEMENT

Argument is usually a battlefield for a bigger

issue.

Divorce BUGDear Student, Hello. I am the Divorce Bug. I

am highly contagious and terribly overworked. It seems that no marriage is completely immune from me…so in attempt to reduce my work load, I’ve developed this presentation on divorce. Please study the information carefully and try some of the treatments.

Thanks,The Divorce Bug

Do you ever use… Extreme or irrational tactic to gain your point (slamming doors,

stomping around)? Hurt remarks to have the last word (sarcasm, name calling)? The Silent treatment Withdraw to a safe distance because you do not like to argue? Store up grudges and use later (revenge)? My way or no way attitude? Get angry, criticize, or some other aggressive behavior? Give in; “I guess you are right”, submissive behavior to avoid

conflict. Deny or pretend that “everything is okay

If you answered “Yes” to any of the above you are not “fighting fair” and you are creating an interaction pattern of “I win, you lose”.

Why Do Conflicts Occur? Value conflicts Lack of effective leadership, decision-making, and

problem solving Discrepancies in role performances & expectations Low productivity Unresolved prior conflicts Selfishness (#1 = Finances) Lack of Communication (see perspective pictures)

Perspective –What is yours?All people are different. We have different likes, dislikes, beliefs, and values. These differences make up our individual perspective.

Failing to resolve a conflict situation causes: Married couples to withdraw and create

emotional distance between them. Playing games (If it weren’t for you…, Pile up of differences Irritations and resentments. Relationship degenerates into a power struggle. In the end, the marriage fails because neither

partner’s needs are met.

TAKE T/FQUIZ IN STUDY GUIDE

1. (T) The more intimate the relationship the greater the opportunity for conflict Intimacy and closeness breeds conflict

Who do you treat better, your family or your friends? Why?

2. (F) People fight mainly over important issues in their relationship.

The following items are typical behaviors that create stress between people.

Which way is correct?

Do Not Trifle Over Trivia Which way the toilet paper rolls Folding the toothpaste from the bottom up or squeezing Turning down page corners Doing the laundry regularly or when there is nothing to wear Where you spend the holidays Eating or not eating in bed Leaving damp washcloths scrunched in a lump, or wringing

them out and spreading them to dry. Putting DVD/CD/Gaming away or leaving them out. Whether or not you read the instructions before you use

something or put something together.

QUESTION: (evaluate yourself) Do you get so wrapped up

on petty issues that you can’t let them go? What happens?

How can the trivial complaints of marriage escalate into a marital conflict?

How can these trivial marital conflicts affect the marriage?

3. (F) People should avoid conflict with each other An issue is an opportunity to problem solve

together, to communicate, to build relationships, and to strengthen one another.

It is how the issue is handled that is unhealthy and detrimental to a relationship

Steps to resolving conflict Set a time and a place Define the problem Talk about how each of

you contribute to the problem

List past unsuccessful attempts to resolve it

Brainstorm new ways to resolve the problem

Discuss and evaluate possible solutions

Agree on one solution to try Agree on how each

individual will work Set up another meeting to

discuss progress Reward each other as you

each contribute and be appreciative of efforts.

4. (T) An argument can often strengthen a relationship Conflict and Quarreling is healthy and

normal. It is NOT a sign of a bad marriage. A marriage without some disagreement is

emotionally undernourished. The relationship is more important than the

issue – preserve the relationship.

Hot and Cold

5. (F) To avoid hurting someone’s feelings when something is bothering you, it is best to say nothing.

You cannot walk away from a problem and expect it to fix itself.

Even if you think it is not a big deal, harboring emotions and thoughts will tear a relationship apart.

6. (F) Problems will disappear over time if they are just left alone. Problems will get bigger if they are not

attended to. If your mate stormed out of the room, you would: If your mate stopped talking to you, you would: If your mate started crying you would: If your mate started yelling at you, you would:

7. (F)When people have a conflict, they tend to fight fairly. Once you get angry or overemotional, you have

lost the point of the argument and are too emotionally involved to continue the topic of conversation. Take some time to calm down. Are you able to maintain general positive exchanges even

when expressing negative feelings or does a discussion of problems with people turn into a fight?

How often do you find yourself becoming defensive or reacting emotionally and then later regretting

what you have said or done?

Are you a dirty fighter?

In an argument do you . . Choose Yes or No

1. Have your mind made up before your partner ever says a word?2. Spend your time concentrating on what you’re going to say

without paying attention to what your partner is saying?3.Try to guess your partner’s motives instead of asking for the

reasons?4. Interrupt and fidget? 5. Regard what your partner is saying as a deliberate threat to you?6. Attack the person instead of the position or problem. Example: “You’re a liar”.7. Drag in side issues, Example: “And besides, your family is…”

If you use any of these = FOUL!Clean up your act and learn to fight clean.

8. Exaggerate. Example: “You always do that . . . .9. Dredge up the past. Example: “You did the same stupid thing last

month”.10. Drag in third-party opinions. Example: “Well, Billy agrees with

me”.11. Try to win the argument instead of reaching an agreement?12. Name call & belittle the person you’re having the disagreement with 13. Raise your voice and use harsh language to dominate and get your

point across.14. In your disagreement, emphasize finding the one at fault, then

execute them, so you can get rid of the problem.

Rules for Fair Fighting (do personal analysis)

No hitting or any other form of physical abuse

Say what you really mean Attack the problem, not the

person Not personal attacks

Fight in private Fighting in front of children?

Fight it out at the time No mind reading-clarify

Reach a conclusion & then let it end - closure

Hold hands to show that you are not fighting against each other.

Negotiate from an adult position No withdrawing, silent

treatments, or refusing to discuss until the issue is resolved

Use humor when appropriate

8. (F) In order to end an argument, it is better to give in. This is “losing” and if one loses then both

lose. If one is unhappy, both will be unhappy.

An Ending to an argument -Always Preserve the Relationship-

Agree to Disagree Both be right and respect each other for this Your thing, My thing

Consensus Both agree on the same solution When stuck between “A” & “B”, find “C”

Compromise Meet each other half-way

Concession Let’s the other person have their way. This should go both ways.

Resolving Anger by MacesAn acronym (AREA) to help couples remember a better way of solving anger.

A -- is for admitting your anger to your spouse.R -- is the desire to restrain your anger and not

let it get out of hand by blaming or belittling.E -- stands for explaining in a very calm

manner why you are angry.A -- stands for action planning or doing

something about the cause of the anger.

9. (T) Bringing up the past often creates more conflict.

Anything that is a week old is too old and the timing of discussing it is past. Take care of issues immediately.

10. (T) When there is a problem in a relationship, usually both people are at fault.

A couple is unified and committed in all areas of the relationship.

Apply problem solving strategies and solve these 2 problems so both partners

are satisfied with the outcome. What would you do?

Divorce Bug Good luck keeping your marriage

free of my viruses. I am not in favor of making

divorce more difficult. I’m in favor of making marriages better which will make divorces less likely.

Please, please, please follow the treatment plans for these infectious diseases. My wife and I would like time to take that Caribbean Cruise we have been planning sometime soon!

Marriage BugsGetting the “BUGS” out of your marriage!

Summary The potential for conflict exists whenever and wherever people have contact.

Remember the words of Robert Townsend: "A good manager does not try to eliminate conflict, he tries to keep it from wasting the energies of his people."

All conflict cannot be resolved. Resolution means negotiation toward a creative solution--if one party is unwilling to do that, the conflict will continue.