Communication and Difficult Conversations MD Anderson Ombuds Office November 12, 2014.

Communication and Difficult Communication and Difficult ConversationsConversations

MD Anderson Ombuds Office MD Anderson Ombuds Office November 12, 2014November 12, 2014

An Ombudsperson is a confidential resource for faculty, staff, students, and trainees who are experiencing conflicts or other difficult situations.

The Ombuds Office is neutral and independent (reporting directly to the President) and assists in facilitating communication through mediation or other means, and helps explore options about how to resolve the situation.

• The program makes efforts to ensure institutional integrity by advocating for civility, equity, fair process, and respectful treatment.

Organizational Ombudsperson

We practice in accordance with the International Ombudsman Association (IOA) Code of Ethics and Standards of Practice

Why you might call us:Why you might call us:

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A work-related problem or concern A question about who to turn to for help Clarification about what policies / procedures might apply to your issue Help with exploring what you really want (interests) A talk about options Confidential exploration of a sensitive issue Coaching on words to use (or things to do/not do) in a difficult conversation

Difficult ConversationsDifficult ConversationsDifficult ConversationsDifficult Conversations

MD Anderson Ombuds Office

A difficult conversation is:

•Anything we don’t want to talk about

•Usually we worry what will happen if we do talk about it

•If we do talk about it, we usually think and feel a lot more than what we actually say

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What’s difficult about a difficult conversation?

• How do I start the conversation?• How do I handle anger or an emotional response?• What if there isn’t a good solution?• I don’t have time• What if I’m wrong?• What if I get emotional?• What if I lose?

A difficult conversation is made challenging by one or more of the following:

•Conflict

•Fear, anger, or frustration

•Anxiety, procrastination

•Disagreements

•Misunderstanding

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Unproductive Approaches• Denial, avoidance and wishful thinking:

“If I just give it time, it will go away.”• Sugar-coating information:

“Don’t take this too seriously but…”• Abrogating responsibility: “I wasn’t here when it happened”

“Jack is much better at this than I am”• Trying to make the problem go away:

“Let’s just give him the lab space and that will stop him from complaining”

• Making excuses for not dealing with a problem: “This isn’t my job” “The situation could be worse”

How many Fs?

FEATURE FILMS ARE THE RE-SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTI-

FIC STUDY COMBINED WITH THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS

Did you find them all?

FEATURE FILMS ARE THE RE-SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTI-

FIC STUDY COMBINED WITH THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS

Positions and Interests

THE ORANGE

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Harvard Project on Negotiation, Getting to Yes, Fisher and Ury

WHAT TO DO?

Nobody asked:“Why do you want the orange?”

• The children each made an assumption based on the others position

• The parent made an assumption based on the children’s apparent positions

• Everyone acted on their assumptions

POSITIONS AND INTERESTS

POSITION – what you say you want … ask for, e.g., the orange

INTEREST – what you really want…. but don’t say or might not know, e.g., the meat of the orange, the rind

RESULTS

100% 0 (nothing) 50%

POSITIONS AND INTERESTS

What you SAY you

want…ask for or demand

What you REALLY WANT OR NEED,but may not say …or know

Assumptions are often about intent:• I know what you want• You are calling me a bad person• You are slighting me for a reason• You don’t respect me

Assumptions about intent are usually not charitable

The key to managing difficult conversations is in understanding how we

think

• We constantly interpret, conclude, and form beliefs about what we observe

• We do this very quickly, usually without consciously thinking about it

• Our interpretations, conclusions and beliefs are determined by who we are, what we care about, our status and power, our stake in the matter, cultural factors, etc. etc. . . .

Ladder of Inference

We can use the ladder of inference as a framework for describing the thinking process that we go through to get from an observation to a decision or action.

Pool of Available Information

Select Information (interesting, supportive, familiar)

Add Meaning (cultural and personal)

Make Assumptions (based on meaning)

Draw Conclusions (bases on assumptions)

Adopt Beliefs (based on conclusions)

Take Action (based on beliefs)

Ladder of Inference

Rationalization &

Reason

Adopted from Chris Argyris and Peter Senge

Workplace Scenario“Instant Conclusion”

A regional Sales Manager has just read the latest sales figures. Sales in Don’s territory are down – again. It’s simply not good enough. He needs to be fired!

Adapted from an article in MindTools

Workplace Scenario“Using the Ladder of Inference”

The latest month’s sales figures (Data) have come in and the Sales Manager immediately focuses on Don’s territory (Selected Data). Sales are down on the previous month again (Interpreted Data). The Sales Manager assumes that the drop in sales is entirely to do with Don’s performance (Assumption), and he decides that Don hasn’t been performing well (Conclusion). So he forms the opinion that Don isn’t up to the job (Belief). He feels that firing Don is the best option (Action).

Pool of Available Data

Selected Data

Interpreted Data

Assumptions

Conclusions

Beliefs

Actions

Sales Manager

Sales figures

Don’s territory examined

Drop due to Don’s performance

Don performing poorly

Sales down

The best option is to fire Don

Don isn’t up to the job

Adopted from Chris Argyris and Peter Senge

Workplace ScenarioSummary

Step Sales Manager Don

Selected Data Existing belief that Don may be underperformer

Curious to see how he compares with other sales staff

Interpreted Data Don’s numbers poor again My numbers were the best this month

Assumptions Don’s performance poor Performance relatively good

Conclusions Don is underperforming I am an excellent salesperson

Beliefs Don isn’t up to the job I’m the best

Actions Fire Don Maybe a promotion

Pool of Available Data

Selected Data

Interpreted Data

Assumptions

Conclusions

Beliefs

Actions

Sales figures come in(is this data complete and accurate?)

Don’s territory examined(why did I only look at Don’s data?)

Drop due to Don’s performance(was my interpretation justified?)

Don is performing poorly(were my assumptions correct?)

Don’s sales are down(did I examine all relevant data?)

The best option is to fire Don(what belief led to this action?)

Don isn’t up to the job(why do my conclusions led to this belief?)

Adopted from Chris Argyris and Peter Senge

The Signal Error in Managing Difficult Conversations

I insist that my story, my version of the facts, is either the “right” one or the overriding one or the only one.

But that’s what the other person is thinking and feeling too.

Both parties become very invested in defending themselves, or at least, their stories.

What goes wrong

• Insisting that one’s story is THE story puts an end to listening

• Listeners feel angry, dominated, disrespected, not in control and that they will lose

• Each person makes sense to themselves

• Arguing = Trading Conclusions

• Neither person’s conclusions make sense to the other

• Arguing without understanding is not persuasive

Stop Arguing

Observation without evaluation

Make observations of people and their behavior that are free of judgment, criticism, or other analysis

Observation or Evaluation?1) Claire works too hard.2) Henry is aggressive.3) Catherine is the first to arrive in the office every day.4) Bill often does not complete his work on time. 5) Luke told me that yellow does not suit me well.6) Yesterday, Jean was angry at me for no reason.7) Oliver did not ask my opinion prior to the meeting.8) My father is a good man.9) Monica is a valuable member of the team.10) Our team does not work well together.11) Joseph wore a black suit to the meeting yesterday.

Identifying and Expressing Feelings

•Emotions help explain behavior, and are honest expressions about how we believe we are affected by the situation. This discussion also helps create empathic responses and helps the understanding process

When you….

I feel……

I need…..

Would you…..

Request

Making specific, positive requests of the other person

(not a demand)

Reframing

Framing refers to the way a conflict is described or a proposal is worded; reframing is the process of changing the way a thought is presented so that it maintains its fundamental meaning but is more likely to support resolution efforts."

Bernard Mayer, The Dynamics of Conflict Resolution

Reframe Issues

• Convert polarizing language into neutral terms. Remove bias and judgment without diluting the intensity of the message

• Find ways to frame issues such that it opens up constructive dialogue rather than shutting down conversation

Re-frame….

• You don’t know how to communicate…• You are unfair…• You are the cause of low morale…• Why do you feel you’re in competition with

me?• You are insubordinate…• I don’t think this job is a good fit for you…• You are a bully

Seek first to understand

“The single most important principle in the field of interpersonal relations is this: Seek first to understand, then to be understood. Most people listen, not with the intent to understand, but to reply.”

Stephen R. Covey, The Seven Habits of Highly

Effective People

The Understanding Process

The Understanding Process is about inquiring into and listening for the stories that give meaning to life for the speaker. It assumes there are multiple, valid perspectives on any given matter, yours included

Goal: to seek deliberately and explore multiple perspectives by understanding another person or group from their point of view

From Debate to Dialogue, Deborah Flick

Ask Questions (Things aren’t always what they seem)

• Is it possible that we misunderstood one another?• Can you clarify what happened?• Can we talk about what was said in the meeting?• I’ve been sensing some tension, are there things we

should discuss?• What is your perspective on this situation?• I’d like to express concerns—can we talk together

about what both our concerns are at this point?• Can we go back to the beginning and discuss our initial

plans/intentions/goals/strategies/objectives/agreements?

• It is my understanding that…

Ombuds Office Contacts

Dr. Bill Brock, OmbudspersonDonna Douglass Williams, Director and Ombudsperson

Patty Guajardo, Administrative ManagerCarrie Anderson, Sr. Secretary

[email protected] 10th floor