Communicating With Parents

Communicating With ParentsPeggy Kemp – KITS – University of KansasBeach Center on Disabilities

Barriers• Structural

– Policies, staff turnover, hours of operation, caseloads

Greatest Barrier – InterpersonalQuality & Content• What is said• What is not said• How and when such messages are

exchanged

Answer Talking with families in ways that promote trust,

respect, and a sense of equality• The words we say must convey to parents

our respect, our understanding, and our sincere desire for them to join us as partners

• Effectively conveying this message, overt time = parents more likely to trust and become more willing, active and confident

Dance of PartnershipJanice Fialka (p. 128)

Entering into a partnership with you demands that we let go of our dreams and begin to build new ones.

Early Childhood Professionals• Frequently don’t possess the communication

skills needed to invite parents to join them in the dance of partnership ant to make parents comfortable, not only in actively participating but in often leading the dance themselves

6 Ideas Worth Trying• Create opportunities for informal exchange• Acknowledge child and family strengths• Solicit parents’ opinions and ideas• Seek Understanding• Demonstrate Caring for the Whole Family• Acknowledge and Respond to Feelings

1. Create Opportunities for Informal Exchange• Not just at assessment, IFSP• Frequent opportunities during everyday

interactions of early intervention• Frequency of communication = quality

parent-professional relationship

What are informal exchanges?• Not meetings/ time to discuss specific issues

or make decisions• More like the daily chats with colleagues and

friends• May seem pointless, insignificant but Brief

interactions over time = stronger relationships

First Step• You must believe that the time taken from

other activities to engage in informal exchanges with parent is time well spent.

• Second, we must adjust our work to create such opportunities

Home Visits Ideal • Beginning of visit before on-task

conversations or a few minutes at the conclusion of visit

• Responsibility of interventionist• Parents need specific invitation to engage in

chit-chat• Parents need “go ahead” and responsiveness

Classrooms = trickier but doable• Adjust schedules to ensure greatest flexibility

during arrival and departure• Sufficient staffing to free up teacher• Have centers ready at entry, parents joining

children for a few minutes, teachers chat• Maybe at end of day• Practitioners initiate

Not as effective • Home school notebooks, notes, e-mail,

occasional evening phone calls = tend to be child centered

• More effective – face to face

2. Acknowledge Child and Family Strengths

We ask: “What are your biggest concerns with your child?” “What would you like to work on with your child?” “How can I be of most help to you right now?”

Unintended Implications• Parents lack competence without our help• Parents can always do better than they are

already doing• Children are similarly – and continuously –

DEFICIENT

Damage to Partnership• A true partnership cannot happen if parents

perceive themselves to be in a one-down position or if they believe professionals don’t recognize strength they bring to table

ESPECIALLY DURING EARLY YEARS

Damage to Partnerships• Parents are adjusting to child’s special needs• Learning ropes of service maze• Confidence and self esteem may already be

shaken• Recognizing and acknowledging family and

child strength can do much to communicate respect and equality

Critical• Demonstrate sincere caring about their child• Recognize child ability• Believe in child potential • Dedication to child’s future development

Value the child

You may be the only one..• Who can, like the parents, look beyond what

this child can’t do and fully appreciate what he or she can do

• Share hopes, celebrate success• “ You’re the only one who talks to Luke,

everyone else talks about Luke to me”

Everyday interactions with parents• Compliments abut the child.. Not just at

assessment or IFSP or reviews• Transcend specific developmental skills to

general child characteristicsEx: “He’s just chock full of energy, isn’t he?”“ What a happy baby she is” “She may not quite be getting it but look how she’s concentrating!”

Don’t forget – Compliment Parents• Not big productions but less obvious, well

timed sincere compliments• Recognize the parent's contributions to the

child's growth, development, general well being.

• “Just look at how he’s responding to your voice” “ Your so good at figuring out what he wants”

3. Solicit Parent’s Opinions and Ideas• You don’t have to have all the answers!• Many outcomes aren’t yours to solve.

Our tendency :“ What Terri needs is ____”

“One way of addressing the issue is to ____”The best approach is “______”

Agreed Upon Action… Really?So we offer a solution and then.. we attempt to obtain permission to proposed solution“How does that sound to you?”“Is this something you would like to try?”

ANDParent agree… we have mutually agreed upon plan.. Or do we?

Next Visit = Surprise• Agreed upon plan not put in place• Parent doesn’t show or cancels• Parent doesn’t contact recommended

resource• No follow through• So… we push some more.. = more parental

guilt

Lack of “follow through” = Who is at Fault? Often we are the ones at fault• Solutions wasn’t acceptable to parents in first

place• Wasn’t consistent with values/beliefs• Didn’t have time, energy or resources• When decision offered is accept or reject only

= only bad parents would reject

True Partnership• Encourage more active participation in

solution seeking• Postpone jumping in with solutions ourselves

until after we have asked parents for ideas “Let’s see if we can figure this out” “What have you been doing? “How has that been working for you.” “What do you think it would take?”

Where do my ideas come in?• After you have asked parents' ideas first. • If parents opt for your solution ask”

– How do you think this will fit into your already busy schedule”, “ Do you see any potential difficulties in implementing this idea?” “ In what ways might we need to modify this solution to make sure it works for you, your child and the rest of your family.

4. Seek UnderstandingWe may never truly understand another person’s point of view, we can demonstrate a desire to understand where they are coming from – what’s important to them and why.

Concerns and Priorities – Surface

• Dig deeper• Express interest in achieving a more complex

understanding of their perspective• More complete understanding = more

effective services

Don’t ask – Why is that important to you!• Better = “In what ways might it change things

for Joe or for the rest of your family, if we succeed in teaching him to play with toys himself?”

• “Can you provide me with a picture of what it might look like if we were successful? What specifically can you envision Joe being able to do?”

May require time• Might require a few extra minutes• Might require a longer more intense

conversation (RBI)• Multiple conversations over weeks and

months

Requires listening• Says – I know what you are thinking is

important to you and I value your input. Also requires good body language • Look relaxed like you have time to listen• Use open ended questions• Bring up the issue

Embrace Silence• Resist urge to jump in with solution• Don’t fill silences your self to make them feel

better

Disagreement• Resist urge to convince• Makes parent feel judged/interventionist

doesn’t approve of what they want or what they are or are not doing with their child

• Redirect energy toward understanding rather than attempting to be understood

People don’t resist change.. They resist being changed• Parents more likely willing to listen and

consider another point of view once they feel as though they have understood and that their opinion is respected

• Perspectives often makes sense once its fully understood on both side of a disagreement

5. Demonstrate Caring for The Whole Family• Parents expect us to be there for the child in

earliest contacts..we need to explain why we want to talk about family

• How do we convey that we adhere to a family-centered approach and care about well being of entire family

Written materials upon Enrollment = NOT ENOUGH• We can’t just write about our philosophy• We need to show through personal

interactions that demonstrate caring for all members of the family

“How do you feel?”

Parents may not want to “spill their guts” now or ever• Not always about problems• Don’t assume families having difficult time

coping• Don’t assume child has negative impact on

family

Message• Show parents we recognize potential impact

on the family, that we care about them as well as the child and we are prepared to attend to needs of the family as a whole

Easy, non threatening, and quick• Attend to information we have about parent's

personal interests and family activities or events

“How did the camping trip go?” “ Did you have a good visit with your in-laws?” “How did your interview go?” “How is your mom”

Working Relationship – not BFF• Recognizing they are individuals with

interests, roles , responsibilities beyond their child

• In conversations consider whole family not just child you are serving.. Before finalizing any decision – ask is the best solution for all?

• Demonstrate consideration of all family members time, energy, resources,

• Use Ecomaps, RBI – Begins relationship

6. Acknowledge and Respond to Feelings• Handle parental expression of feelings and

emotion appropriately.• Strong emotions accompany realization of

delay/disability• Strong feeling often become elephant in room• Emotions in the open – frightening

proposition for parent and professional

Level of Intimacy• Far beyond that found in most professional

partnership, but family-professional partnerships remain incomplete without this level of intimacy

• Janice Fialka (p.140-141)

Gift of Compassion• We often fail to give the give because

professionals are no more comfortable responding to parents’ strong emotions than parents are in expressing them in the first place

• Study = of 13,145 verbal behaviors and 2,155 sequential patterns of verbal behavior less than 1% = accepts feeling instead “fix”

What do you hear?Parent “ Oh God, I really want her to be able to walk, you know? And, it’s like she’s not even sitting up yet”. Professional “Let’s get her on the sofa and work on sitting”

What do you hear?Parent: “Do you think he isn’t talking because I’m so depressed?”

Professional: “At least he is in early intervention now”.

Why does the professional say nothing or fix?• May not view acknowledging parent emotions

as their responsibility• Lack confidence in their ability to say the right

thing• Fear that they may say something wrong and

make matters even worse

Failure to Respond Sends a Message• Feelings are foolish or unimportant to you• Feelings of “less then” are valid

Imagine the detrimental effects of such messages on relationship• Parents feelings are real, sometimes

strong• Ignoring them will not make them go away• We must acknowledge the elephant in the

room

What do we say?

• First resist urge to make parents feel better“Things aren’t as bad as they seem” “Look on the bright side”• Sends message: their feelings are

unreasonable

Second• Resist urge to jump in with suggestions to fix

whatever is bothering them• Deal with feelings before dealing with content

of message• Solutions come late, first must validate

feelings

Finally• Just because you are acknowledging parents’

feelings doesn’t mean you are responsible for resolving the worries, fears, anger or sadness they may express.

Which words• Depends on what they say• Reflect back our acceptance of whatever

emotions they communicate

Example“It’s so hard to listen to her crying and not know what she wants. If only she had some way of letting me know what she needs.. If she’s hungry, or sick or frustrated. It would be so much easier!:

Example Response• Don’t center in on lack of communication

skills first acknowledge parents’ expressed or implied feelings

“It must be really hard to hear your child crying and not know what’s wrong”

NextLave a space of silence to provide parent opportunity to expand upon his or her feelingsIf conversation continues.. You continue to reflect his or her feelings

ThenOnly after the feelings are fully acknowledged and explored (without judgment) you can decide together if you need work toward a solution or consider possibility of enlisting additional help

RememberSometimes all parents want is someone who will listen to , accept and validate their feelings.

Advice to Professionals Who Must Conference Cases

ActivityNaming Feelings

ReferenceTalking to Families – PJ McWilliamFrom Working with Families of Young Children with Special Needs – RA McWilliam