Coauthoring Your Child’s Story: Parenting on Purpose Your Child’s Story 5 ... “Life’s … a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, ... such as Mel Gibson’s Braveheart

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Coauthoring Your Child’s Story: Parenting on Purpose© 2006 Tommy Nelson

Published by Serendipity House PublishersNashville, Tennessee

All rights reserved. No part of this work may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopy-

ing and recording, without express written permission of the publisher. Address permission requests to Serendipity House, 117 10th Avenue North, Nashville, TN 37234.

ISBN: 1-5749-4286-7Dewey Decimal Classifi cation: 649

Subject Headings: PARENTING \ FAMILY LIFE \ CHILD REARING

Scripture quotations marked HCSB taken from the Holman Christian Standard Bible®, Copyright © 1999, 2000, 2002, 2003 by Holman Bible Publishers. Used by permission.

Scriptures marked NASB are from the New American Standard Bible®, © 1960, 1962, 1963, 1968, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1975, 1977, 1995 by the Lockman Foundation. Used by permission.

Scriptures marked NIV taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version, Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. Used by permission.

Scriptures marked MESSAGE taken from the THE MESSAGE, Copyright © 1993, 1994, 1995, 1996, 2000, 2001, 2002. Used by permission of NavPress Publishing Group

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WRITE Serendipity House, 117 10th Avenue North, Nashville, TN 37234 FAX (615) 277-8181 PHONE (800) 525-9563

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Printed in the United States of America 12 11 10 09 08 07 06 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

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Contents

PageResource Credits 4Coauthoring Your Child’s Story 5

Session Title 1 Discovering the Story 6 Raising Children Within the Larger Story

2 Understanding the Backstory 17 The Power of Our Heritage and Legacy

3 Planning the Story 25 Adopting a Mission in Our Homes

4 Embracing Unique Storylines 38 Creating an Original and Individual Legacy

5 Developing a Hero or Heroine 52 Building Up Your Main Characters

6 Developing Your Characters 68 Shaping Character Through Love and Discipline

7 Handling Tough Plot Twists 82 Dealing with a Challenging Child

8 Writing from the Heart 95

Leader’s GuideWelcome to Community! 98-100 Group Covenant 101Leader’s Tips and Notes 102-109About the Author & Acknowledgments 110Meeting Planner & Group Directory 111-112

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Other Home...Works Studies

Check these other great marriage and family studies

at www.SerendipityHouse.com ...

Some Assembly Required: Instructions for an Amazing Marriage

Dream Team: The Power of Two

Turning Up the Heat: Rekindle Romance and Passion

Creating Mutual Funds: Financial Teamwork in Marriage

Credits

Serendipity and Tommy Nelson made use of the following resources in develop-ing the Home...Works Series:

The Song of Maximum Solomon Series Marriage Series © 1995 © 2004 Hudson Productions Tommy Nelson

Various audio resources from www.dbcmedia.org and www.tommynelsononline.com.

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Coauthoring Your Child’s Story

Good stories don’t happen by chance. They’re well planned, carefully written, and regularly revised on the basis of fresh insights. Good parent-ing doesn’t happen by chance either. Fortunately, we aren’t left to our own limited skills. God—the master Father—calls us to be His apprentices and coauthors in the challenge of writing our children’s stories. Parenting isn’t about turning out cookie-cutter kids using perfect tech-niques and formulas. God has written unique traits into every child that are a perfect fi t for the heroic role He created them to fulfi ll in the epic story. God intends us to see childrearing as a noble calling, a mission to pass on truth and wisdom from one generation to the next. God looks at parenting chil-dren as one of the most important occupations adults are involved in. We need to catch a fresh vision for our homes as places where the most important training for life—both earthly and eternal life—occurs. Home is not just a place for kids to eat, sleep, play, and watch television. Home is where parents cooperate with God to set in motion life stories with meaning and purpose—stories that honor Him. Parenting involves discovering, accepting, and celebrating the distinctive and characteristic traits of each child. We are to parent our children as God parents His ... (1) Holding out high standards, but (2) Tailoring a course of guidance, nurture, and discipline suited to each individual. Learn how to:

* Raise Children Within the Larger Story

* Embrace the Power of Heritage and Legacy

* Adopt a Mission in Your Home

* Create an Original and Individual Story for Your Child

* Develop a Hero or Heroine

* Shape Character with Love and Discipline

* Deal with Challenging Children

* Parent from the Heart to the Heart

This unique study will be a lot of fun as you interact with other parents around what God says in the Bible about raising children. In addition, each parent will develop an invaluable Parenting Notebook through the course of this 8-week experience.

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SESSION ONE

Discovering the StoryRAISING CHILDREN WITHIN THE LARGER STORY

In Proverbs 3:1,3, King Solomon urged, “My son, don’t forget my teaching … Never let loyalty and faithfulness leave you. Tie them around your neck; write them on the tablet of your heart.” Solomon compared the learning and growth of his son to writing God’s truth on his heart. In 2 Corinthians 3:3 , the Apostle Paul likened his spiritual children to letters that were “written not with ink but with the Spirit of the living God, not on tablets of stone but on tablets of human hearts.” Shakespeare, on the other hand, had Macbeth express ultimate despair like this: “Life’s … a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing” (Macbeth, V. v. 24-28). Few things can strike cold terror into the hearts of parents like the fear that their children’s lives will read like tragedies, soap operas, or tales about nothing. Children’s lives are complex stories, with twists and turns, up and downs, comedy and tragedy. God entrusts these lives to us, and wants to partner with us in shaping people who will connect intimately with Him and advance His kingdom in the world.

Breaking the Ice 10-15 MINUTES

LEADER: Be sure to read the introductory material (page 5) and the Leader’s Guide (page 98) before the fi rst session. These “Breaking the Ice” questions are intended to get people talking to one another, to help acquaint group members with one another, and to set the stage for the day’s discussion.

1. What’s your favorite kind of movie and why?

❍ Tragedy – such as Mel Gibson’s Braveheart❍ Comedy – maybe a good Mel Brooks fl ick, like Young Frankenstein❍ Romance – recall the passion of Bogart and Bergman in Casablanca or Hanks and Ryan in Sleepless in Seattle❍ Action – two words: Star Wars❍ I’d rather snooze to The History Channel® classics❍ Other:

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2. When you were in school, how did you feel about writing assignments?

❍ Loved them! I was always writing something.❍ Writing was work, but I could do it pretty well.❍ Indifferent. I just did what I had to.❍ I disliked riting and niver gotten verry gud at it.❍ I hated writing so much I copied assignments out of books and from the Internet.❍ Other:

3. How do you feel about working on projects with other people?

❍ Joining with coworkers stimulates me to be creative.❍ I like the social interaction of working as a team.❍ I tend to slack off and let the rest of the group do the work.❍ I work better alone. Groups get off task too much.❍ Other:

Discovering the Truth

20-25 MINUTES

LEADER: In each section of “Discovering the Truth,” ask various group members to read the Bible passages aloud. Be sure to leave time for the “Embracing the Truth” and “Connecting” segments that follow this discussion. There are additional tips and helps in the Leader’s Notes section that begins on page 103.

A couple hundred years ago, psychologists of the Romantic period viewed the mind of a child as a blank slate. They called it a tabula rasa. The theory proposed that an innocent child had no propensity to evil or good. His personality would be totally the product of the social forces that operated on him. God tells us in the Bible that children are not tabulae rasae. They’re born as imperfect people into an imperfect world. No one has to show them how to be selfi sh, throw a tantrum, whack their kid sister, or tell a lie. To develop into maturity, they need the process of nurturing, training, and discipline ... parenting. Children need their moms and dads intimately involved in crafting the script of their lives in accordance with the will and wisdom of God and in accordance with their God-given bents.

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Writing Partnership – Dad, Mom, and God at Work

Psalms 127 and 128 look at the blessings of family life from two perspectives. In the fi rst, a happy family is a gift of God. In the second, a happy family is a reward for following God’s ways. Isn’t that the way His gifts come? We receive them when we’re following closely behind Him. In parenting, we partner with God for the welfare and future stories of our children.

1 Unless the LORD builds a house, its builders labor over it in vain; unless the LORD watches over a city, the watchman stays alert in vain. 2 In vain you get up early and stay up late, eating food earned by hard work; certainly He gives sleep to the one He loves. 3 Sons are indeed a heritage from the LORD, children, a reward. 4 Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the sons born in one’s youth. 5 Happy is the man who has fi lled his quiver with them. Such men will never be put to shame when they speak with their enemies at the city gate.

Psalm 127 hcsb

1 All you who fear God, how blessed you are! How happily you walk on his smooth, straight road! 2 You’ve worked hard and deserve all you’ve got coming. Enjoy the blessing! Revel in the goodness! 3 Your wife will bear children as a vine bears grapes, your household lush as a vineyard. The children around your table as fresh as young olive shoots. 4 Stand in awe of God’s Yes. Oh, how he blesses the one who fears God!5 Enjoy the good life in Jerusalem every day of your life. And enjoy your grandchildren.

Psalm 128 The Message

LEADER: Discuss as many discovery questions as time permits. Encourage participation by inviting different individuals to respond. It will help to highlight in advance the questions you don’t want to miss, and to be familiar with the Scripture Notes at the end of this session.

1. What do you think the psalmist had in mind when he wrote that children are a “heritage” and “reward” from the Lord (Psalm 127:3)?

2. In what ways can we feel blessed by God through the children He’s given us?

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3. Psalm 127 points out the futility of hard work in building a family (verses 1-2). Psalm 128 points out the rewards of hard work in building a family (verse 2). How can we make sense of these two opposing statements?

4. In what ways can our children be as “arrows (127:4-5) and young “olive shoots” (128:3 – olives were a symbol of peace, prosperity, and legacy)?

5. As you considered Psalms 127 and 128, what bubbled up for you as a key ingredient in raising capable and effective children?

It’s an amazing privilege to partner with God in writing the story of a child. He often rewards our marriage with children, through birth or adoption. Then, as we become partners with God in discovering and writing our children’s stories, He’ll bless our efforts with children who will become a productive, powerful force in our world.

Embracing the Truth10-15 MINUTES

LEADER: This section focuses on helping parents begin to integrate what they’ve learned from the Bible into their own child-rearing approach … where the “rubber meets the road.”

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Unique Stories – Gifted with Unique Children

Another reason children aren’t tabulae rasae, at birth, is that God has written into the life of every child various traits and abilities that will mark that person all of his or her life. It’s almost as though the Heavenly Father sets parents out on a great treasure hunt to discover what He has hidden in the hearts, minds, and wills of children. As we discover the strengths and challenges of a child, we also fi nd some of the unique keys to parenting that son or daughter.

13 For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. 14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. 15 My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, 16 your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

Psalm 139:13-16 niv

1. In what ways has God been involved in the lives of your children since their conception according to Psalm 139? What are some implications for how we should view and treat our children? Explain.

2. What do you think is intended by verse 16: “All the days ordained for me were written in your book”? How does this relate to the way God created and designed each child (verse 13)?

3. In any novel, the author develops the characters before the plot can move forward. Imagine your child as the main character in a story. What do you think are the most remarkable and wonderful traits the Author included as He developed this character?

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4. Why do you suppose God seems to go out of His way to give us children who are so clearly different from one another, or from us?

Connecting 20-25 MINUTES

LEADER: Use “Connecting” as a time to begin to bond with, encourage, and support one another. Invite everyone to join into the discussions.

Parenting isn’t about turning out cookie-cutter kids. Parenting involves discovering, accepting, and celebrating the distinctive and characteristic traits of each child. We are to parent our children as God parents His ...(1) Holding out the same high standards for all, but (2) Tailoring a course of guidance, nurture, and discipline suited to each individual.

1. When you fi rst became a parent, what excited you most? We all feel inept as parents at one time or another. What fears or concerns did you have about your adequacy as a parent?

2. What would your parents or close family friends identify as key ways each of your children is like you? How might they say each is obviously unlike you?

3. What do you think of the comparison of parenting children to writing a story? What are some ways in which a child’s life is like a story?

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4. What aspects of parenting do you think the following components of writing a story correspond to?

• Character development (who’s in the story and what they’re like)

• Plot (what’s going to happen in the course of the story)

• Setting (where all of this will happen, and what’s interesting about that)

• Tone or mood (emotional atmosphere enveloping this story)

• Confl ict (problem to be solved that makes this story worth reading)

5. Based on what we’ve discussed so far, what would you say is the most important thing for a parent to remember? What could this group pray for you about as you coauthor your child’s story?

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LEADER: Take some extra time in this fi rst session to go over the Group Covenant at the back of this book (page 101). Now or in Session Two would be the time for each person to pass around his or her book to collect contact information in the Group Directory on page 112.

Share and record group prayer requests and the next page, and pray regularly for them between now and the next session. In addition to these requests, pray together now for each group member that they will become better partners with God in rearing their children through the course of this experience in Coauthoring Your Child’s Story.

Prayer Requests:

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Taking It Home

LEADER: Explain that the “Taking It Home” section of each session will contain an introspective question to ask either of your heart or of God. In addition, there’s always a take-home activity to reinforce what the group has discussed and to help group members parent on purpose. Encourage everyone to complete both projects before the next session ASK EVERYONE TO BRING A CHILDHOOD PHOTO TO SESSION TWO.

You’ll be given opportunity in the next session to share from this “Taking It Home” assignment. Take some time in the next few days to refl ect alone and with your spouse about this fi rst session of Coauthoring Your Child’s Story.

(1) A Question to Take to My Heart on page 14

(2) Writing the Story on page 15

LEADER: Have all group members set a date, time, and location for “Writing the Story” … right now before you close your session.

When? ____________________ Where? ______________________

SNEAK PEEKIn our next meeting, we’ll take time to look into our own stories to

discover some of the factors that have shaped our lives and our approaches to parenting.

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A Question to Take to My Heart

Studying and discussing God’s truth is not an end in itself. Our goal is always heart and life change. To take the next step of integrating the truth into our lives, we need to (1) look honestly into our hearts to understand the innermost motivations that drive us, and (2) seek God’s perspective on our lives and our journeys. The following question asks you to look into your heart and focus on your deepest feelings about your child. Our behaviors are the best indicators of what we really believe deep down. Look deep into your behaviors and the underlying beliefs in your heart where your truest attitudes and motives live. Spend a little time, and don’t settle for a quick answer on this one.

^ When nobody’s looking and I’m brutally honest with myself, how do I really feel about my child? Where do those feelings come from? What is there is my own story that might be preventing me from seeing this child as a gift from God?

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Writing the Story

Before the next Coauthoring Your Child’s Story session, set aside an evening to look through any photo albums, scrapbooks, and mementos you have relating to your childhood. Select a few photos and items that evoke memories of your home and family. Refl ect on the kind of “story” your parents helped create for you by the way they raised you, by the way they treated one another, by the place they chose for you to live, and through the things that characterized your family life. Write out your thoughts about the “story” of your childhood.

NOTE: Bring one of your childhood photos or mementos to the next group meeting to show the other people in your group.

If you’re married, share your pictures, mementos, and observations with one another. Discuss ways in which you approach parenting both similarly and dissimilarly to your parents. Talk about what you want your child’s childhood “stories” to be like. Pray together, asking God to use this small-group study to strengthen your parenting, and thanking Him for one thing you appreciate about the way your coauthor (spouse) relates to your child or children.

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Scripture Notes

Psalm 127

127:1-2 Unless the LORD builds. God blesses hard work but warns that anxious, frantic labor is futile. If His people fail to trust Him as their ultimate source of shelter, security, and food, they become workaholics and burn out.

127:3 Sons. Children are not just by-products of sexual relations. Like other special things, they too are gifts given by God. heritage. In Israelite society, a man’s chief inheritance was the land his father passed down to him. Children were a part of the heritage because without sons to inherit the land, it would pass out of a family’s possession.

127:4 Like arrows in the hands of a warrior. Arrows are the weapons of a warrior. Children are gifts from God who can extend our reach and infl uence into the culture both now and in our future legacy. However, children are clearly a “handful” before they develop into a “quiver full.”

127:5 speak with their enemies. When falsely accused in court, a man with many children would have lots of zealous character witnesses to testify on his behalf. at the city gate. In the Old Testament, courts were held in public just inside the city gates. (See Ruth 4:1-2: “The descendants of the righteous are blessed.”)

Psalm 128

128:2 you’ve worked hard. God’s people of all ages have longed to receive a full reward for their hard work, unhindered by oppression, fraud, or theft.

128:3 Your wife. Psalm 128 is called the marriage prayer as it was often sung at Jewish weddings. Marital bliss has always been one of the greatest blessings. olive shoots. Olives could symbolize peace, prosperity, longevity, and a blessed legacy for generations. Our fear or respect for the Lord has far-reaching impacts.

128:5-6 Enjoy the good life. All the preceding blessings, including long life to enjoy them, are now wished upon the faithful. good life in Jerusalem. A prosperous capital meant a prosperous people. Jerusalem was also the heart of the Jew’s faith and national identity. When that prospered, the nation was spiritually healthy.

Psalm 139:13-16

139:13 created. God is the one who creates the unique inner and outer attributes of each individual. inmost being. Mental attributes, emotions, spiritual makeup. knit me together. Physical makeup: skeletal and muscular systems, etc.

139:16 your eyes saw. God sees absolutely everything. He even sees every human being as he or she is being formed in the womb. days ordained for me. God has a unique role for each of us to play in the larger story. He has determined the length of each person’s life. your book. The blueprint for everything is in the mind of God.