Co-Active Coaching, 3rd Edition: Changing Business ......Praise for Co-Active Coaching, 3rd Edition “With its third updated edition, Co-Active Coaching remains the bible of coaching

PraiseforCo-ActiveCoaching,3rdEdition

“Withitsthirdupdatededition,Co-ActiveCoachingremainsthebibleofcoachingguides.Writtenwithapowerful,distinctiveapproach,nootherbookgivesyouthetools,theskills,andthefundamentalsneededtosucceedinthesedelicaterelationships.”

—StephenR.Covey,Author,The7HabitsofHighlyEffectivePeopleandTheLeaderinMe

“InCo-ActiveCoaching,thedynamicKimsey-Houseduo,alongwithPhillipSandahl,haveelevatedcoachingfromaninstructionaltooltoanartform!Picassowouldbeproud.SeldomhaveIseensuchaclearroadmapforhowto‘overcomeactionsthatsabotagedesires,plansanddreams.’Collaboration,cooperation,coalition—allnecessarycomponentsofasuccessfulworkingrelationship.TheKimsey-HousesandSandahlprovetousthatCo-ActiveCoachingisvitalaswell.Asagymcoachleadshistraineetoahigherstateofphysicalhealthandwellbeing,Co-ActiveCoachingprovidesbusinesscoachesatoolkitforhelpingtheirclientsachieveprofessionalandpersonalsuccess.Co-ActiveCoachingshouldberequiredreadingforeverymanageroremployeewhowantstosucceedintheworkplace.”

—MarshallGoldsmith,Million-SellingAuthor,NewYorkTimesBestsellersMOJOandWhatGotYouHere

Won’tGetYouThere

“Co-ActiveCoachingexudesthecatalyticpowertotransform

yourorganizationandyourlife.Readit,savorit,andpracticeittobecomeapurpose-filledleaderoflife!”

—KevinCashman,Best-SellingAuthor,LeadershipfromtheInsideOutandAwakeningtheLeaderWithin

“Iapplaudtheneweditionofthisdefinitivetextontransformationalcoaching.Theauthorsandthevisionarynetworktheyleadprovideaneffectivemethodologytoworkwithchangeatpersonalandorganizationallevels.Thisisamust-readforprofessionalswhovaluetheprocessofdiscovery,awareness,andchoicethatempowerspeopletofindtheirowninnerwisdomandtoactinservicetomakeabetterworldforall.”

—LynneTwist,Author,TheSoulofMoney,Founder,SoulofMoneyInstitute,andCo-Founder,The

PachamamaAlliance

“WhendesigningourICFACTPcoachcertificationprogram,weneverconsideredanytextbookotherthanCo-ActiveCoaching.Thisisthebest,mostcomprehensivebookforteachingtherelevantskillsofcoaching.Itshouldberequiredreadingforallcoach-specifictrainingprogramsinanyenvironment(profit,non-profit,executive,teams,etc.).Withtheenhancementsmadeinthethirdedition,welookforwardtoincorporatingthiseditionintoourrequiredreadinglist.”

—DonnaBillings,PCCandCo-Founder,ProfessionalCoachCertificationProgram,DuquesneUniversity

SchoolofLeadershipandProfessionalAdvancement

“Co-ActiveCoachinginsightfullyrevealshowtounlockaperson’spotentialandenlightentheirpast,present,andfuture.It’samust-readforallself-empoweredseniorexecutives.”

—MichaelCheah,FormerPresident,Xian-JanssenPharmaceutical,China(AJohnson&JohnsonGroupof

Companies)

“Transformationalchange—inourselvesorintheteams,organizations,andcompanieswelead—isultimatelyallaboutrelationships.ThethirdeditionofCo-ActiveCoaching,bytheeloquentandcompassionatefoundersofTheCoachesTrainingInstitute,willgiveyouthetools,skills,strategies,andethicalframeworkstoachievethepowerfulgoalsofthiswork:changinglivesandchangingtheworld.”

—CelesteSchenck,President,AmericanUniversityofParis

“Coachingbasicsareanessentialskillsetforanymanagerorleaderwhoisinterestedindevelopingotherpeople,soIusethismaterialinmostoftheMBAcoursesIteach.Withoutfail,itengagestheheartsandmindsofpeoplewhocareaboutacquiringmeaningfulandeffectiveskillstheycanimmediatelyputtouse.”

—HeidiBrooks,PhD,Director,YaleSchoolofManagementMentoringProgram,Lecturer,YaleSchoolofManagement,andClinicalAssistantProfessor,Yale

SchoolofMedicine,DepartmentofPsychiatry

CO-ACTIVECOACHINGChangingBusiness,TransformingLives

THIRDEDITION

HenryKimsey-HouseKarenKimsey-House

PhillipSandahland

LauraWhitworth

ThiseditionfirstpublishedbyNicholasBrealeyPublishing,in2011.

20ParkPlaza,Suite1115ABoston,MA02116USATel:617-523-3801Fax:617-523-3708

3-5SpafieldStreet,ClerkenwellLondon,EC1R4QB,UK

Tel:+44-(0)-207-239-0360Fax:+44-(0)-207-239-0370

www.nicholasbrealey.com

©2011HenryKimsey-House,KarenKimsey-House&PhillipSandahl

Allrightsreserved.Nopartofthispublicationmaybereproducedinanymannerwhatsoeverwithoutwrittenpermissionfromthepublisher,exceptinthecaseofbriefquotationsembodiedincriticalarticlesorreviews.

PrintedintheUnitedStatesofAmerica

151413121112345

ISBN:978-1-85788-567-5

LibraryofCongressCataloging-in-PublicationDataKimsey-House,Henry.

Co-activecoaching:changingbusiness,transforminglives/HenryKimsey-House,KarenKimsey-House,PhillipSandahl.—3rded.

p.cm.

Rev.ed.of:Co-activecoaching:newskillsforcoachingpeopletowardsuccessinworkandlife/LauraWhitworth...[etal.].2nded.c2007.

Includesindex.ISBN978-1-85788-567-51.Self-actualization(Psychology)2.Mentoring.3.

Motivation(Psychology)4.Success—Psychologicalaspects.I.Kimsey-House,Henry,1953–II.Sandahl,Phillip,1948–III.Co-activecoaching.IV.Title.

BF637.S4W4842011658.3’124—dc23

2011023281

Contents

ASpecialDedication:ForLauraWhitworthPrefacetotheThirdEditionAcknowledgmentsIntroduction

PART1Co-ActiveCoachingFundamentals1:TheCo-ActiveCoachingModel2:TheCo-ActiveCoachingRelationship

PART2Co-ActiveCoachingContexts3:Listening4:Intuition5:Curiosity6:ForwardandDeepen7:Self-Management

PART3Co-ActiveCoachingPrinciplesandPractices8:Fulfillment9:Balance10:Process11:PuttingItAllTogether

GlossaryAbouttheAuthorsIndex

ASpecialDedication:ForLauraWhitworth

CreatoroftheCo-ActivemodelwithHenryKimsey-HouseandKarenKimsey-House,arecognizedleaderinthedevelopmentofthecoachingprofession,andcoauthorofthefirsttwoeditionsofthisbook.

LauraWhitworthdiedFebruary28,2007,afteracourageousbattlewithcancer.YoucouldnotfindtwowordsintheEnglishlanguagemoreappropriateforher:courageousbattle.Whatshebelievedin,shefoughtfor.Ifyouwereeverherclient,orparticipatedinaprogramLauraled,youknow.Shewasfightingforyou.

Shewasavisionaryandapioneer;shewasacompellingforce.Herrelentlesscommitmenttolifefullylivedisamodelandaninspiration.ThatlifeforcenamedLauraWhitworthcreatedtheseedsfromwhichthecoachingtreehasgrown;shedidn’tdoitalone,ofcourse,buthertenacitycertainlymadesureitgrew.

ShefoundedTheCoachesTrainingInstitutewithHenryandKarenKimsey-HouseandcreatedtheCo-Activecoachingmodelandtrainingwiththem.Togethertheycreatedanenormouslypowerfulleadershipprogram,atransformativelifeexperienceforparticipants.Justaskthem.Shewasinstrumentalinthedevelopmentandgrowthofthecoachingprofessionandwasoneofthefirsttocalltheworkshedid“coaching.”

Wewouldsaywemissher—andnaturallywedo.Butherpresence,herspirit,aresoaliveintheworktodaythatwefeel

herwithusstill.

WededicatethisthirdeditiontoLauraandtothecourageousbattleshestoodfor:alifefullylived.Ineverymomentwearegiven.Witheverybreathwebreathe.

PrefacetotheThirdEdition

TherearetwofundamentalreasonsforthisthirdeditionofCo-ActiveCoaching.Reasonone:coachingkeepschanging,evolving.The

applicationofcoachingskillsandcompetencieshasexpandedfarbeyondtheprofessionitself.Todaytheinterestincoachingasaskillsetandcommunicationformiseverywhere:inbusiness,inschools,ingovernment,infamilies.Atthesametime,theprofessionofcoachingcontinuestoevolveandgrowaswell,expandinginnumbersandgeography,inawideningarrayofdistinctnichesandinitsownunderstandingofwhatcoachingisandhowitworks.

Reasontwo:Co-Activecoachingasamodelandmethodcontinuestogrowandevolve.Wecontinuetoexpandourreachastrainersofcoaches,andnewpeoplearoundtheworldreachouttofindus.Themoreweteach,themorewelearnaboutourownwayofcoaching,andthemoreourstudentsteachusaboutthetransformativepowerofthiswork.WehavemoreclaritytodayaboutthenatureofCo-Activecoachingasauniquecontributiontothefield,andwehavemoreclarityaboutwhatgivesthisapproachtheimpactweseeandresultsinthepositivefeedbackwereceive.

Overtheyears,thisbookhasservedasthelearningfoundationforthousandsofcoachesandthousandsmorewhosimplywantedtoknowhowtobringacoach-likeconversationtoimportantrelationshipsatworkorathome.Thisbookisnowthestandardtextforcoachingeducationinmanycollegesand

universities,businessschools,andcoachingprogramsaroundtheworld.Wearehumbled,frankly,bythescaleofthatpicture,andfeelaresponsibilitytokeeppacewiththegrowthandchange.Thisthirdeditionisstillgroundedinthebasics:theCo-Activecoachingmodelandtheskillsandtoolsforeffectivecoachingthatsupportit.Wherewehaverevisedthelanguageandexamples,ourintenthasbeentobroadenthereachofthecontent,tobemoreinclusive,andtoprovideawiderbreadthofapplications.Whereweprovidenewinsight,wewanttoshareourgrowingawarenessofourstandfortransformationalchangeattheheartofCo-Activecoaching.

TheEvolving,GrowingWorldofCoachingIntheyearssincethefirsteditionwaspublished,coachingasafieldofinteresthasspreadaroundtheworld.FromitsoriginsinNorthAmericaandEurope,itisnowafamiliarsubjectoneverycontinent,andthenumberscontinuetogrowexponentially.Itisasiftherewereanunmetneedintheworld,ineverycorner,andthatunmetneedishungryforwhatcoachingoffers.Theworldispullingcoaching.Thenumbersandthegeographicreachareimpressive,butitistheunderlyingpullitselfthathasourattention.Changeisawayoflifeanditisaccelerating.Coachingisamethodologythatallowsustoworkwithchange,onapersonallevel,onanorganizationallevel,onarelationshiplevel.Aspeoplebecomemoreawareofcoachingasawaytofacilitatepurposefulchange,theapplicationofcoachingfundamentalscontinuestoevolveandexpand.

Thegrowthisnotjustgeographic;coachingcontinuestobecomemorediverseinitsreachascoachesspecializeina

widevarietyofdemographicandinterest-relatedniches.Nearlyeveryage,occupation,andpersonalpassionhasacoachwaitingtoanswerthecall.

Inthecorporateworld,coachingwasoncetheexclusiveperkofkeyexecutivesandrisingstars,butitisnowastandardcomponentintheorganizationaltoolkittohelpemployees,managers,supervisors,andexecutivesintheirpersonaldevelopmentandtheircontributiontotheorganization’ssuccess.Inrecentyears,employeeengagementandculturechangehaveemergedascoreinitiativesfororganizations,andcoachingplaysacriticalroleinthatchangeprocess.Organizationshavelearnedthathighlymotivatedandfulfilledemployeesproducehigh-performanceresults.Infact,manyorganizationsnowofferin-housecoachtrainingtoacceleratetheintroductionofthecoachingmindsetandcoachingskills.

Withincreasingpressuretodomorewithless,organizationshavedramaticallyexpandedtheiremphasisonthe“team”asthemeanstoimproveproductivity.Moreandmore,theyarealsolearningthebenefitsofteamcoaching:trainingteamsandteamleadersintheskillsandcompetenciesneededintoday’smorecollaborativeworld.Coachingisakeyresourceforoptimizingpotentialforbothindividualachievementandforhigh-performing,sustainableteamexcellence.

Eventhedefinitionof“coach”isexpanding.Today,awidevarietyofprofessionalserviceprovidersincludecoachingorcoachingskillsintheirserviceofferings.Theyrecognizethatessentialchangetakestimeandfocusedattention.It’swhycoachingissovaluabletoanychangeinitiative.

Coachingalsohasagrowingroleintheworldofleadershipdevelopment.Withahighpercentageofseniorexecutivesand

topmanagerssettoretireinthenexttenyears,successionplanningandleadershipdevelopmenthavebecomeorganizationalimperatives.Withthechangingnatureoforganizations,theemphasisonleadershipdevelopmentfocusesmoreandmoreonemotionalintelligenceandtheassociatedpeopleskillsofleaders.Andthatiswherecoachingandacoachingskillsetforleadersbecomesinvaluable.Thebestleadersinthenextgenerationareformingtoday,withcoachingasanassetintheirdevelopment.

Inthefirstedition,wetalkedaboutCo-Activecoachingasnotonlyasetofprofessionalskillsbutauniquewayofcommunicating.Thatawarenessisevenmoreapparenttodaywhenweseethis“coachapproach”adaptedtosomanysettingsbeyondtheworkofprofessionalcoaches.Forexample,weseeteachersusingcoachingskillsandacoachingstylewhenthesearecalledfor.Weseemanagers,parents,customerservicerepresentatives,andhealth-careworkersusingcoachingskillsandacoachapproach.Thequalitiesthatmakeacoachinginteractioneffectivearevaluableinmanysettings.

TheToolkitandKeepingPacewithChangeOnthesubjectofkeepingpacewithchange,oneofthemostpopularsectionsofthebookhasbeenmovedtotheweb.TheCoach’sToolkittookupalargesectionofthefirstedition;itwasreproducedonaCDforthesecondeditiontomakeiteasiertoprintexamples.Forthethirdedition,wehavemovedthetoolkittothewebsothatdocumentscanbeeasilyupdatedandnewdocumentscanbeadded.ToviewtheCoach’sToolkit,simplygotohttp://www.coactive.com/toolkit.

WelcometotheThirdEditionOvertheyearswehaveseenCo-Activecoachingembracedbymanydifferentcultures.Itisamazingtoseetheimpactofthisworkinsomanydifferentlanguagesandwithsomanydifferentlocalexpressions.Itremindsusthatatthedeepestlevel,theworkwedoishuman:helpingindividualsandteams(microcommunities,really)fulfilltheirdreams,liveouttheirvalues,andachievetheresultsthatmatter.WeareremindedoverandoveragainthattheCo-Activecoachingmodelcrossesalloftheusualboundaries:geographic,cultural,anddemographic.Weliveinexcitingandchangingtimes,inwhichcoachingcanbeanincrediblyvaluableasset.Wearedelightedtosharewhatwehavelearnedoverthelastfewyearsbybringingyouthisthirdedition.

ItisenormouslygratifyingtoseethattheCo-Activecoachingmodelcontinuestobestrong,durable,andadaptabletothegrowingandevolvingworldofcoaching.

HenryandKarenKimsey-House,PhillipSandahl,andwiththeindomitableandever-presentspiritofLauraWhitworthSpring2011

Acknowledgments

Weoweanenormousdebtofgratitudetosomanypeoplewhohavesupported,encouraged,andchampionedthiswork—fartoomanytoname—somewehavenevermet.Theyrepresentallofthecoachesandclients/coacheeswhohaveembarkedonacoachingjourney;theirlivesandworkarealivingacknowledgmentandapowerfulmotivationtokeepthismaterialcurrentandmeaningful.

Coachingtrainingplayedanenormousroleinspreadingthepowerandpossibilityofcoachingasaprofessionandbecameitsownlearninglaboratoryforwhatworksincoaching.ThefacultyandstaffofTheCoachesTrainingInstitutehavebeenattheforefrontofthemissiontopreparenewcoaches,maintainhighprofessionalstandards,andkeeptheCo-Activemethodthriving.Theircommitmenttotheessenceandtheparticularshashelpeduscontinuouslyrefinewhatwepresent,andtheircontributionshowsinthisthirdedition.

Wehaveseencoachingspreadaroundtheglobeintheyearssincethefirsteditionwaspublished.Clearlythereisahungerintheworldthatispullingcoachingintoorganizations,relationships,andindividuallives—somethingthattranscendsalloftheusualboundaries.Wewanttoespeciallyacknowledgethosecourageouspioneersattheforefrontoftheglobalefforts.Itwouldnothappenwithoutthevisionandinitiativeofdeterminedpeoplewillingtotakeonthechallengeoflanguageandcultureforthesakeofcoaching.

Tothethousandsofcoachingstudentswehavetrained,to

ourownclients,and,yes,ourowncoaches,wearethankfulbeyondwords.Andfinally,totheclientswhoareandhavealwaysbeenourmostimportantteachers,thisacknowledgmentisforyou.Youarethereasonwedothiswork.

HenryandKarenKimsey-HousePhillipSandahl

Introduction

Intoday’sworld,coachingisbothagrowingprofessionworldwideandagrowingcommunicationstyleadoptedbybusiness,government,andnon-profitleaders,teachers,counselors,parents,andothers.Thisbookdescribesaparticularapproachtocoachingandthecoachingrelationshipthatwecall“Co-Activecoaching”becauseitinvolvestheactiveandcollaborativeparticipationofboththecoachandthecoacheeorclient.TheunderlyingbeliefsofCo-Activecoachingmakeitbothpowerfulandadaptable.

TheCo-Activecoachingmodelisaprovenapproachbasedonmanyyearsofexperienceworkingwithclientsandcoachesworldwide.Thisbookdescribesthemodelindetail,definestheskillsandtechniquesofCo-Activecoaching,andofferssamplesofcoachingconversationsaswellaspracticalexercisesthatwillenhanceyourunderstanding.

TheCo-ActivecoachingmodelwasthestartingpointandisstillatthecoreofthetrainingwedothroughTheCoachesTrainingInstitute(CTI).CTIwasfoundedin1992byLauraWhitworthandHenryandKarenKimsey-House.Today,CTIisthelargestin-personcoachtrainingorganizationintheworld,deliveringcoursesinNorthAmerica,Europe,theMiddleEast,andAsia.CTIoffersacomprehensivetrainingprogramforcoachesthatincludesahighlyregardedcertificationprogram;CTIalsooffersauniqueleadershipdevelopmentprogram,coursesincoachingmasteryandbusinessdevelopment,andadiverseonlinenetworkthroughwhichcoachesmayengagein

special-interestdialogue.Becauseofourpioneeringworkinthefieldofcoaching,wehavebeeninstrumentalinthedevelopmentofthecoreprinciplesandskillsassociatedwithcoachingandcontinuetobestrongcontributorsandavisionaryforcefortheprofession.

GettingtotheCoreThisbook,however,isnotjustaboutskillsandadescriptionofthemodel.Itisaboutthenatureofacoachingrelationship—specifically,aCo-Activerelationship.WelookatthenatureofaCo-Activeconversationandatwhatmakesitsodifferentfromotherconversations—whethertheconversationisbetweenaprofessionalcoachandcoachee,orbetweenaseniormanagerandthatperson’sdirectreport.TheheartofthatconversationisthesameintheCo-Activemodel.ThisbookgetstothecoreofwhatmakesaCo-Activeconversationdifferentfromothereverydayconversations.

WhatisdifferentaboutaCo-Activecoachingconversation?Inourview,coachingisnotaboutsolvingproblems,althoughproblemswillbesolved.Itisnotprimarilyaboutimprovingperformance,attaininggoals,orachievingresults,althoughallofthatwillcertainlyhappenovertimeinaneffectiveCo-Activecoachingrelationship.Webelievethatcoachingischieflyaboutdiscovery,awareness,andchoice.Itisawayofeffectivelyempoweringpeopletofindtheirownanswers,encouragingandsupportingthemonthepathastheycontinuetomakeimportantlife-givingandlife-changingchoices.

Co-Activecoachingisaformofconversationwithinherentgroundrulesregardingcertainqualitiesthatmustbepresent:

respect,openness,compassion,empathy,andarigorouscommitmenttospeakingthetruth.Therearecertainassumptionsunderlyingtheconversationaswell.Weassumestrengthandcapability,notweakness,helplessness,ordependence.Weassumeadeepdesiretogivethebestandachievepotential.Acoachingconversationhascertainbeliefsbuiltintoit:thateverysituationhaspossibilitiesandthatpeoplereallydohavethepowerofchoiceintheirlives.

Inourview,Co-Activecoachingisawayofbeinginarelationshipandbeinginaconversationthatmightbeuniqueinhumanhistory.Itisawayofcommunicatingthatshiftsthefocalpointoftheconversationfromrankorcontenttoadeeperlevelofhumanconnection.Thiswayofcommunicatingisfindingrootnotonlyinformalcoachingrelationships,butintheworkplaceasaleadershipstyle,andinteamsandfamiliesaswell.Itworkspartlybecauseittapsintoahumanneedforcollaborative,Co-Activecommunicationthatissodifferentfromtheusualauthoritarian,superior–inferiorcommunicationexperience.Thisnaturallyarisingexpressionofpeer-to-peercommunication—whichismoreaboutpossibilitiescreatedthanpositionsclaimed—ispartofanevolvinghumanconsciousness.WebelieveCo-Activeconversationsarebothanexampleofthisshiftinhumanconsciousnessandaninstrumenttocreateit.

ThisuniquestyleofCo-Activecommunicationisvisibleinavarietyofways.Youcanseeitinthewayacoachlistens,notonlytothewordsbutalsotowhatisbehindthewords,andeventothespacesbetweenthewords.Thepersonwholistensasacoachlistensissomeonewhotunesintothenuancesofvoice,emotion,andenergy—someonewhoisintentonreceivingeverythingthatpersoncommunicates.Thecoachortheperson

inthecoachroleissomeonewholistenstotheverybestinothers,evenwhentheycan’thearitinthemselves.

Acoachissomeonewhocaresthatpeoplecreatewhattheysaytheywantandthattheyfollowthroughwhentheychoose.Thecoachistheretoholdpeopleaccountableandkeepthemmovingforwardtowardtheirdreamsandgoals.Ultimately,thecoachistheretohelppeoplelivelivesofmeaningandpurpose.

Inourview,oneofthemostessentialqualitiesofacoach,andsomethingclientscancountoninaCo-Activecoachingrelationship,istruthfulness.Acoachissomeonewhowillabsolutelytellthetruth—thetruthaboutwhereclientsarestrong,forexample,andwheretheyholdbackandgiveup,deny,orrationalize.

Withthisbook,youwilllearnnewwaystoworkwithothers:howtodiscoverandpromoteyourclient’smission,purpose,andspecificagenda.You’llfindeffectivewaystorigorouslyholdotherstoaccount.You’lllearntheCo-Activecoachingapproachtovalues,goal-setting,lifebalance,andself-management.

You’llalsolearncoachingstrategiesforaddressingtheself-limitingbehaviorthatoftenshowsupstrongestjustwhenpeopleneedthecouragetotakerisksforthesakeofchange.Theseprovenstrategieshelpclientsstayontrackandovercomeactionsthatsabotagedesires,plans,anddreams.

Thisbookemphasizesinformationandexercisesforprofessionalcoaches,yettheskillsandinsightsitofferscanbeappliedinalmostanyrelationship—atwork,withfamilyandfriends,onteams,involunteerandcommunitysettings—becausecoachingskillsandthenatureoftherelationshipare

notlimitedtoprofessionalcoachingsessions.Werecognizethattheessenceofcoachingisnowanadaptedcommunicationstylegrowingbeyondtheskillsetofprofessionalcoaches.That’soneofthemainreasonsforthisenhancedthirdedition.

HowtheBookIsStructuredPart1presentsanoverviewoftheCo-Activecoachingmodel.Thefirstchapterstartswiththefourcornerstones.Theyformthefoundationonwhichthemodelisbuilt.Togethertheyformaninterrelatednetinwhichpowerfulconversationscanoccur.WegoontobuildthemodelwiththeintroductionofthefivecontextsofCo-Activecoaching:listening,intuition,curiosity,forwardingactionanddeepeninglearning,andself-management.Thechapteralsodescribesthethreeprinciples—fulfillment,balance,andprocess—thattogetherformtheclient’sfocusattheheartofthemodel.Part1alsoexplainshowtodesignaneffectiveworkingrelationshipbetweencoachandcoachee/client.Whatwecallthe“designedalliance”providesclarityandempowersthecoachingrelationship.

Part2describeseachofthefivecontextsindetailandpresentsdescriptionsandexamplesofthecoachingskillsinaction.Hereweprovidesamplecoachingconversationsaswellasexercisesthatbringtheskillstolife.

Part3coversthethreecoreprinciples:howtocoachtheclient’sfulfillment,balance,andprocess.Inthelastchapter,wedescribetheintegrationofthesethreeprinciplesintotheartistryofcoaching.

Insummary,thisbookoffersacomprehensiveapproachtounderstandingthenatureofaneffectiveCo-Activecoaching

relationshipandtheskillsneededtosupportit.Thebookprovidesasystematicstructurereinforcedwithreal-lifeexamplesandpracticalexercisesfordevelopingyourcoachingabilities.ItisabookforthosewhowanttoexpandtheirknowledgeanddeveloptheircapacitiesasprofessionalcoachesandthosewhowishsimplytoaddacoachingapproachtoimportantconversationsusingtheuniquemodelwecallCo-Activecoaching.

PART1Co-ActiveCoachingFundamentals

Fromdayone,coachingfocusesonthecoachee/client.1Peopleparticipateinorseekoutcoachingbecausetheywantthingstobedifferent.Theyarelookingforchangeortheyhaveimportantgoalstoreach.Peoplecometocoachingforlotsofindividualreasons.Theyaremotivatedtoachievespecificgoals:towriteabook,tostartabusiness,tohaveahealthierbody.Theycometocoachinginordertobemoreeffectiveormoresatisfiedatworkortodevelopnewskillstohelpnavigatelife’schanges.Sometimespeoplewantmorefromlife—morepeaceofmind,moresecurity,moreimpactintheirwork.Andsometimestheywantless—lessconfusion,lessstress,lessfinancialpressure.Ingeneral,theycometocoachingbecausetheywantabetterqualityoflife—morefulfillment,betterbalance—oradifferentprocessforaccomplishingtheirlifedesires.Whatevertheindividualreason,itallstartswithastirringofmotivationwithinthecoachee.

Part1explainswhatthecoachbringstothisinteractionandshowswhattheprocesslookslikefromaCo-Activecoachingperspective.Inthispartofthebook,weoutlinetheelementsandconveyasenseofhowtheyfittogetherinacomprehensivemodel.Inlaterchapters,weexpandonthesemajorcomponentstoprovidemoredepthandofferexamplesfromcoachingconversations.

CHAPTER1TheCo-ActiveCoachingModel

Theterm“Co-Active”referstothefundamentalnatureofacoachingrelationshipinwhichthecoachandcoacheeareactivecollaborators.InCo-Activecoaching,thisisarelationship—infactanalliance—betweentwoequalsforthepurposeofmeetingthecoachee’sneeds.

FourCornerstonesThefourcornerstonesformacontainerthatholdstheCo-Activeconversation.Infact,thecornerstonesmakeitpossibletohaveatrulyCo-Activeconversation.Inorderforengagedandempoweredrelationshiptoexist—the“co”inCo-Active—andinorderforlife-givingactiononthepartofthecoacheetomanifest,thesefourformanecessarystructure.

PeopleAreNaturallyCreative,Resourceful,andWholeWestartwiththisassertion:peopleare,bytheirverynature,creative,resourcefulandwhole.Theyarecapable:capableoffindinganswers;capableofchoosing;capableoftakingaction;capableofrecoveringwhenthingsdon’tgoasplanned;and,especially,capableoflearning.Thiscapacityiswiredintoallhumanbeingsnomattertheircircumstances.IntheCo-Activemodelitismorethanabelief—itisastandwetake.Thealternativeisabeliefthatpeoplearefragileanddependent.Withthatbelief,thecoach’sjobwouldbetoguidethecoacheetothesafestpossibleoutcome.Youcanfeelthedifference.

Whenwetakeastandforotherpeople’snaturalcreativityandresourcefulness,webecomechampionsontheirbehalf,notworriedhand-holders.Ascoaches,whenweassumeresourcefulnessandcreativity,webecomecurious,opentopossibilities,discoveringwiththecoachee,notdictating.Weexpecttobeamazed.

Thekeyhereis“naturally.”Yes,ofcourse,therearetimeswhenthecircumstancesfeeloverwhelming,wheneventhemostresilienthumanbeingfeelsthemountainistoohigh,theroadtocrosstoowide,theeffortsimplynotinhispower.Circumstancesandthatinnersabotagingvoicethatsays,“Whybother?”or“Youdon’thavewhatittakes,”canleaveanyonefeelinglessthancreative,resourceful,andwhole.Onthosedays,morethanonanyothers,itisourplaceascoachestoseethetrue,naturalselfwhowasandisstillcapable.Weremindourcoacheesoftheirowninnerlightandhelpthemfinditagain—becauseitisthere.Naturally.

FocusontheWholePersonFormostpeoplewhowanttobehelpful,andformostnewcoachesorpeopleinacoachingrole,thequestionthat’softenforemostontheirmindsisthis:“What’stheproblemtosolve?”It’saquestionthatcomesfromthebestofintentions:adesiretounderstandandprovidevaluableassistancesothataproblemcanbesolved.Butwhenacoachissittingacrossfromacoachee(evenbytelephone),thecoachisnotsittingacrossfromaproblemtobesolved;thecoachissittingacrossfromaperson.Thispersondoeshaveaproblemtosolve—achangetomake,adreamtofulfill,atasktoaccomplish,agoaltoreach.Allofthatistrue.Butthispersonismorethantheproblemat

hand—orthegoal,thedream,thetask.Thisisawholeperson:heart,mind,body,andspirit.Andtheissue,whateveritis,isnotneatlyisolated.Itisinexorablyentwinedinthecoachee’swholelife.

Maybe“focus”isalittlemisleadinginthetitleofthiscornerstone.Wearecertainlynottalkingaboutahard,tight,concentratedfocusonthewholeperson.Itismoreofabroadattention,asoftfocusthatincludesthewholepersonandthewholelife,andinvolveslisteningonmanylevels.Toooften,inoureagernesstobehelpful,weaccessonlytheplacebetweenourears.Weusethemindtoprobeandunderstandandthencreatelogical,pragmaticsolutions.Analysisandlogicareworthyandusefulattributes—buttheydon’ttellthewholestory.Sometimesa“correct”solutioncanhaveemotionalconsequencesthatarejustasimportant;sometimeswhatthemindsays“yes”to,thespiritfeelsasaloss.Wearenotsuggestingthatacoachfocusoncoachingheart,mind,body,andspiritindependently,butacoachoranyoneinaCo-Activeconversationoughttobetunedintotheinfluencesthatarepresentineachofthesedifferentdimensions.

Itwasnotsomanyyearsagothattalkingaboutemotionswastaboo,especiallyintheworkplace.Today,coursesinmasteringemotionalintelligencearecommonplace,thankstothegroundbreakingworkofDanielGoleman.Peoplehavebeenjustassensitiveaboutconversationsthatincludedreferencestothebody.Butawarenessofbodylanguageandtheexceptionalworkofsomaticpractitionershavepavedthewaytoamuchbetterandmorewidespreadconversationabouttheroleofthebodyincommunication.

Surelythemostsensitiveofthesedimensionsis“spirit.”It

isthemostelusivetodefinebutitispresentwithineveryhumanbeing.Incoaching,wecansaywhatitisnot:itisnotlimitedtoaformofspiritualityorreligion.Butthereisaspiritdimensionthatinfluenceshumanchoices.Ithasmanydifferentnamesanddifferentexpressions,butatthecore,itisthesenseoflivingaccordingtovaluesoracallingorapowergreaterthanoneself.Sometimesitisintuition,agutfeelingoraconvictionthatguidesourlives.Itisaspiritdimensionthattranscendsthisonedecision;infact,weknowitisspiritbecauseitfeelstranscendent.

Obviously,focusonthewholepersonalsomeansthatascoachesweareawareofallthewaystheissueortopicbeforeusisinterwoveninthisperson’slife.Thereisavastecologyofpeopleandprioritiesthatareinterconnectedwiththeissueathand.Ofcourse,itisentirelypossibleforthecoachandcoacheetolimittheconversationtoasingle,narrowsubject:completionofaspecificproject,forexample.Theabilitytotaketheconversationintoanyareathatthecoacheefindscompellingdoesn’tmeanthecoachinsistsondeclaringthedestinationandgoingthere.Again,thekeyisincreasedawareness,becausenotopicexistsinisolation.Adecisioninoneareaoflifeinevitablyripplesthroughallareasoflife.Anexcitingcareermovemaybeveryfulfilling—butitmayalsoaffecthealth,familyrelationships,freetime,geography.Acoachcanworkeffectivelywithacoacheeonaverynarrowtopic;butintheCo-Activeway,thereisalargerpicturealsoatplaythatincludesthewholeperson.

DanceinThisMomentAconversationisapowerfulanddynamicinterchangebetween

people.It’snaturaltopayattentiontothecontentoftheconversation—thewords,thepositions,theideas.Thecontentisoftenwhatismost“visible”andeasiesttorespondto.Andyet,asimportantasthewordsandcontentare,thereismuchmoregoingonineverymoment.Everyconversationcreatestone,mood,andnuance.Thereisasmuchinformation,sometimesmore,inhowthewordsaresaidversusthewordschosen;sometimesthereismoreinformationinwhatisnotsaidthanwhatissaid.Forthecoach,aconversationbecomesanexerciseinlisteningintentlyatmanylevelsand,ofcourse,choosingtorespond,tointervene.Theinformationaboutwhattosayoraskdoesnotcomefromascript.Itcomesinthemoment,inthismoment,andthenthenextmoment.To“danceinthismoment”istobeverypresenttowhatishappeningrightnowandtorespondtothatstimulusratherthantoamasterplan.

To“dance”istorespondfromaCo-Activecore—meaningboth“co,”asincollaborative,and“active,”asinmovingthedanceforward.InatrulyCo-Activeconversationtherearemomentswhenthecoachleadsthedance,momentswhenthecoacheeleadsthedance,andmomentswhenitisnotclearatallwhoisleadingandwhoisfollowing.Allthreestatesofthedancearenatural;thethird,thepointwheremovementseemstoloseleader/followerclarity,isararestateofconnection.Itisaplaceofbeingtunedintoeachotherandaplace,frankly,ofvulnerability—awillingness,builtonextraordinarytrust,togowiththeflowoftheconversation.Itdoesfeellikeanexquisitedancetothemusic,withbothpartnersintunewiththetempo,tone,andsteps.Thisagilityisallforthesakeofthecoachee’slearninganddiscovery.

EvokeTransformationCoachandcoacheemeetinthisCo-Activeconversationforacommonpurpose:thecoachee’sfulllife.Thetopicofthecoachingwilllikelybesomethingquitespecific—afractionofthecoachee’slifethatthecoacheeisfocusedon.Butifwefollowthatleaftothebranchandthentravelfromthebranchtothetrunkandtheroots—thereisalwaysadeeperconnectionpossible.Thegoalofthecoachinginonesessionmightbeclarityandactionaroundaproject.Themotivationforthecoachingcouldbeanewjoborpromotion,improvedfitness,ortheexecutionofabusinessplan.Infact,thecoacheemayonlyhaveherattentiononthespecificgoalforthatspecifictopic.Thecoach,ontheotherhand,seesthetreeandthelarger,fullyconnectedlife.Coachesinthismodelholdavisionthatseesthetopicasanexpressionofsomethingevenmorevaluabletothecoachee.Thisactionathandisthemeanstoahigherend,lifefullylivedinwhateverareathecoacheefindsimportant.

Thereisayearningfortheverybest,thefullpotentialthatthecoacheecanexperience.Andwhenthatconnectionignitesbetweentoday’sgoalandlife’spotential,theeffectistransformative.Nowthereportorthejobintervieworthe5Kraceismorethanacheckedboxonato-dolist.Itisanexpressionofinnerconviction.Theaccomplishmentisamessageaboutwhothecoacheecanbe.Thereisashiftfromthesatisfactionof“ahh”tothebreakthroughawarenessof“aha”—anewstrength,arenewedcapacity—likefindingmuscleshedidn’tknowhehadorhadforgottenhehad.

Andpartofthat“aha”—thedeeperawareness—istheknowledgethatthecoacheehasanexpandedcapacitytoreachhispotential.Whathelearnedfromthisoneexperiencehe

naturallyappliestoothers.Andthatiswhyweboldlytakeastandforevoking

transformationasacornerstoneofthisCo-Activemodel.Weseethisasahungeronthepartofcoachesforallthatispossible,includinggainingorrecoveringtheinnerstrengthandresourcefulnesstoevolve,grow,andexpandfromthisoneareaoffocusintomanyavenuesoflife.Coachesplayakeyrole,byholdingavisionofwhatispossibleandthroughtheircommitmenttotransformativeexperience.Coacheesstillchoosethetopic,theaction,andtheresultstheywant.Butbytakingastandforthegreatestpossibleimpactfromeventhesmallestaction,coachesencourageandultimatelyevoketransformation.

TheHeartoftheModelTheongoingrelationshipbetweencoachandclientexistsonlytoaddressthegoalsoftheclient—andsonaturally,theclient’slifeisthefocusatthecenterofthediagraminFigure1.Therearetwowaystothinkaboutthis.Onewayistoseetheactionofthedayaspartofthebigpicturefortheclient’slife.Peoplemakedozens,evenhundreds,ofdecisionseverydaytodoornotdocertainthings.Thechoiceswemakeduringtheday,nomatterhowtrivialtheymayseem,contributetocreatingalifethatismore(orless)fulfilling.Thedecisionswemakemoveustowardorawayfrombetterbalanceinourlives.Thechoicescontributetoamoreeffectivelifeprocessortoaprocessthatislesseffective.Andsoatonelevel,theclient’sactionisalwayswrappedinthesethreecoreprinciplesoffulfillment,balance,andprocess.Theyareprinciplesbecausetheyarefundamental

tothelivelinessoflife.Inthesamewaythatoxygen,fuel,andheatarenecessaryforfire,thesethreeprinciplescombinetocreateanignitedlife—perhaps“Life”withacapital“L.”

FIGURE1TheCo-ActiveModel

Thesecondwayistolookatthespecificissuesthecoacheechoosestoworkwithinthecoachingsessions.Clientsbringallsortsofagendaitemstotheircoaching.Thisissueofthedayorweekormonthisaboutlifetodaywithaneveryday“l”for“life.”Yet,whateverthespecificissue,thereisawaytolinkittothelarger,morefulfillingLife,toLife-givingbalance,orbetterprocess.

FulfillmentThecoachee’sdefinitionoffulfillmentisalwaysintenselypersonal.Itmayinclude,especiallyatfirst,outwardmeasuresofsuccess:agreatjoborpromotion,enoughmoney,acertainlifestyle.Eventually,thecoachingwillprogresstoadeeper

definitionoffulfillment.It’snotabouthavingmore.It’snotaboutwhatfillstheclient’spocketsorclosets—it’saboutwhatfillstheclient’sheartandsoul.Afulfillinglifeisavaluedlife,andclientswillhavetheirowndefinitionsofwhattheytrulyvalue.Iftheyvaluerisktaking,isthereenoughadventureintheirlives?Iftheyvaluefamily,aretheyshortchangingthemselvesbycavingintothedemandsofwork?Whatarethepersonalvaluestheywantpresentintheirwork?Sortingoutvaluesisawayofsortingoutlifechoices,becausewhenthechoicesreflecttheclient’svalues,lifeismoresatisfyingandoftenfeelseffortless.Achievingacertaingoalcanbeveryfulfilling—especiallyasabenchmark—butmostclientsfindthatfulfillmentisnotthefinishline.Atitsdeepestlevel,fulfillmentisaboutfindingandexperiencingalifeofpurposeandservice.Itisaboutreachingone’sfullpotential.

BalanceWithsomanyresponsibilitiesanddistractions,andgiventoday’shigh-speedrateofchange,balancemayfeellikeanimpossibledream.It’sespeciallyelusiveformostofthepeoplewhocometocoaching.Theytendtobedissatisfiedwithfunctioningatsomeminimumstandardofbeingalive:theywantmorefromlifeandwanttogivemoreback.Theyarepassionateaboutthethingsthatmattertothem,focusedintheircommitment,andsointensethatsometimesonecorneroftheirlivesisamodelofexcellencewhiletherestisinruins.Theyunderstandthevalueofbalanceandhaveprobablymadeattemptstoachieveit—withgoodintentionstoexercisemore,taketimeoff,orreconnectwithfriends—andfoundthatweeksormonthspassedwithoutanychange.Lifeisoutofbalance.

Peopleoftenseemresignedtobeingoutofbalance,asifthat’sjustthewaylifeis.That’stherealworld,giventhecircumstances.There’sonlyonewayoflookingatit,anditlooksbad.Coachingforbalance,however,focusesonwideningtherangeofperspectivesand,therefore,addingmorechoices.Ultimately,balanceisaboutmakingchoices:sayingyestosomethingsandnotoothers.Thiscanbechallenging.Coacheesoftenwanttosayyestomoreintheirliveswithoutmakingroomforitbysayingnotosomethingelse.Thisimpulseleadstoanoverwhelmedfeeling—andtolivesthatareoutofbalance.

Balanceisafluidstatebecauselifeitselfisdynamic.Therefore,itmakesmoresensetolookatwhetherclientsaremovingtowardbalanceorawayfrombalanceratherthantoofferthem“balance”asagoaltobeachieved.Liketheseasonsoftheyear,balanceisbestviewedoverthelonghaul.Itisalsoaperennialissue,onethatcoacheswillsee,insomeformoranother,manytimesoverinthecourseofacoachingrelationship.

ProcessWearealwaysinprocess.Sometimesitlooksfrantic;sometimesitlooksgraceful.Becausecoachingiseffectiveatachievingresults,bothcoacheesandcoachescangetdrawnintothe“results”trap—focusingentirelyonthedestinationandlosingsightoftheflowofthejourney.Infact,processisoftencomparedtoariver.Aslifeflows,therewillbefastperiodsofonrushing,white-waterprogressaswellasdaysofcalm,steadycurrents.Buttherewillalsobetimesofdrifting,beingstuckinjobeddiesandrelationshipwhirlpools,andbackslidinginto

treacherousswamps.Therewillbefloodinganddrought.Thecoach’sjobistonotice,pointout,andbewithclientswherevertheyareintheirprocess.Thecoachistheretoencourageandsupport,providecompanionshiparoundtherocks,andescortclientsthroughthedarkwatersaswellastocelebratetheirskillandsuccessatnavigatingthedifficultpassages.Coachingallowsclientstolivemorefullyinadeeperrelationshipwithallaspectsoftheirlives.

Co-Activecoachingthereforeembracesthiswholepictureoftheclient:fulfillment,balance,andprocess.Thesearethecoreprinciplesattheheartofthecoachingmodel.TogethertheycreatetheheatandlightofaLifethatisfullyalive.

DesignedAllianceforanEmpoweredCoachingEnvironmentWiththeclientinthecenteroftheCo-Activecoachingmodel(seeFigure1,p.8),weencircletheclientandtheclient’sagenda;wenamethisprotectivecirclethedesignedalliance.InCo-Activecoaching,powerisgrantedtothecoachingrelationship,nottothecoach.Coacheeandcoachworktogethertodesignaneffectiveworkingrelationshipthatmeetsthecoachee’sneeds.Infact,clientsplayanimportantroleindeclaringhowtheywanttobecoached.Theyareinvolvedincreatingapowerfulrelationshipthatfitstheirworkingandlearningstyles.Therelationshipistailoredtothecommunicationapproachthatworksbestforthem.Theprocessofdesigningtheallianceisamodelofthemutualresponsibilityofclientandcoach.Clientslearnthattheyareincontroloftherelationshipand,ultimately,ofthechangestheymakeintheir

lives.

TheFiveContextsVisually,thecoachingmodelillustratedinFigure1representsafive-pointedstar.Eachpointofthestarisacontextthatthecoachbringstothecoaching.Eachisapointofcontactwiththecoachee.Thecoachconsistentlydrawsfromthesecontextsinthepracticeofcoaching.Intime,andthroughtraining,thecoachdevelopsthesethewayamusiciandevelopsmusicaltechnique.Thefivecontextsarealwaysinplay.Wepresenttheminoneorderhereinthebook,buttheyareaconstellation,notasequence—essentialelementsofacompletecoachingapproach—likefivespotlightsthatarealwaysshining,illuminatingtheclient’slife.

ListeningOfcourse,thecoachlistenstothewordsthatcomefromtheclient,trackingthecontentofthecoachingconversation.Butthemostimportantlisteningofcoachingtakesplaceonadeeperlevel.Itisthelisteningforthemeaningbehindthestory,fortheunderlyingprocess,forthethemethatwilldeepenthelearning.Thecoachislisteningfortheappearanceofthecoachee’svision,values,purpose.Thecoachisalsolisteningforresistance,fear,backtracking,andthevoiceofthesaboteur,whoistheretoobjecttochange,pointouttheclient’sshortcomings,andbringupallthereasonswhythisidea,whateveritis,won’twork.

Thecoachlistensatmanylevelssimultaneouslytohearwhereclientsareintheirprocess,tohearwheretheyareoutofbalance,toheartheirprogressonthejourneyoffulfillment.

Thecoachislisteningforthenuanceofhesitation,too,forthesourringofsomethingnotquitetrue.(InChapter3,welookindepthatthreelevelsoflistening.)

IntuitionBylisteningbelowthesurface,thecoachfindstheplacewheretheharddataandsoftdatamerge.Intuitionisakindofknowingthatresidesinthebackgroundandisoftenunspoken.Itremainsinthebackgroundbecause,formanypeople,it’snoteasytotrust.Ourculturedoesn’tvalidateintuitionasareliablemeansofdrawingconclusionsormakingdecisions,sowehesitatetosaywhatourintuitiontellsus.Weholdbackbecausewedon’twanttoappearfoolish.Andyetintuitionisoneofthemostpowerfulgiftsacoachbringstocoaching.

Ascoaches,wereceiveagreatdealofinformationfromtheclientandthen,inthemomentofcoaching,combineitwithpreviousinformationaswellasexperience,notonlyofcoaching,butofoperatingintheworld.Addtothisonemorefactor:informationthatcomesfromourintuition.Wemaynotcallit“intuition.”Wemayconsideritathoughtorahunchoragutfeeling.Regardlessofhowwedefineit,theimpulseemergesfromourintuition.Formostcoaches,intuitionisaskillthatneedspracticeanddevelopment.Itisenormouslyvaluablebecause,timeandagain,itsynthesizesmoreimpressionsandinformationthanwecouldeveranalyzeconsciously.

CuriosityOneofthefundamentaltenetsofCo-Activecoachingisthatclientsarecapableandresourcefulandhavetheanswers.The

coach’sjobistoaskthequestions,toleadthediscoveryprocess.Thecontextofcuriositygivesacertainframetotheprocessofuncoveringanswersanddrawingoutinsight.Curiosityisopen,inviting,spacious,almostplayful.Andyetitisalsoenormouslypowerful.Likescientificcuriositythatexploresthedeepestquestionsofmatter,life,andtheuniverse,curiosityincoachingallowscoachandcoacheetoenterthedeepestareasofthecoachee’slife,sidebyside,simplylooking,curiousaboutwhattheywillfind.

Becausethecoachisnotaninquisitorbutisontheclient’ssideinthisexploration,thecoachcanaskpowerfulquestionsthatbreakthrougholddefenses.Whenclientslearntobecuriousabouttheirlives,itreducessomeofthepressureandlowerstherisk.Theybecomemorewillingtolookinthedarkplacesandtrythehardthingsbecausetheyarecurious,too.

ForwardandDeepenTheoutcomeoftheworkthatclientandcoachdotogetherisbothactionandlearning.Thesetwoforces,actionandlearning,combinetocreatechange.Becausethenotionofactionthatmovestheclientforwardissocentraltothepurposeofcoaching,weoftenmake“forward”averbandsaythatoneofthepurposesofcoachingisto“forwardtheaction”oftheclient.

Theotherforceatworkinthehumanchangeprocessislearning.Learningisnotsimplyaby-productofaction;itisanequalandcomplementaryforce.Learninggeneratesnewresourcefulness,expandedpossibilities,andstrongermusclesforchange.

Oneofthecommonmisunderstandingsaboutcoachingisthatitissimplyaboutgettingthingsdone—performingata

higherlevel.Becauseofthismisunderstanding,coachinghasbeencomparedtohiringanaggingparentwhowillmakesureyourbedismadeandyourhomeworkisdone.Insomeorganizations,it’stheimageofaschoolteacherwitharuler,poisedtomeasureyourfailureandprovidethepunishment.Butcoachingisnotjustaboutgettingthingsdone;itisjustasimportantlyaboutcontinuingtolearn,especiallytolearnhowtheactionisorisnotcontributingtothecoreprinciples.Thisconnectionbetweenactionandlearningandthecoreprinciplesiskey.Gandhiisquotedassaying,“Thereismoretolifethanincreasingitsspeed.”Inthesameway,thereismoretolife,atleastintheCo-Activemodel,thanincreasingaction.

Self-ManagementInordertotrulyholdtheclient’sagenda,thecoachmustgetoutoftheway—notalwaysaneasythingtodo.Self-managementisthecoach’sabilitytosetasidepersonalopinions,preferences,pride,defensiveness,ego.Thecoachneedstobe“overthere”withthecoachee,immersedinthecoachee’ssituationandstruggle,not“overhere,”dealingwiththecoach’sownthoughtsandjudgments.Self-managementmeansgivinguptheneedtolookgoodandberight—thelightshouldbeshiningonthecoachee,notthecoach.Self-managementisaboutawarenessofimpact.Inthecourseofacoachingrelationship,coacheesalsolearnaboutself-managementintheirownlives.Theyexperiencethemodelinganddeveloptheirownawarenessofimpact.

TheCoach’sRoleintheModelThecoachisakindofchangeagent,enteringtheequationfor

changewithoutknowingwhattheoutcomewillbe.Goalsandplans,newpractices,newbenchmarks,achievementsofeverykindareallpartoftheclient’songoingwork,facilitatedbythecoachinginteraction.Thecoachisacatalyst,animportantelementintheprocessofacceleratingchange.

Butthisismorethanapassiverole.Weseecoaching,especiallytheformpresentedhere,asaroleofservicethatrequirescommitmentandpresenceonthepartofthecoach.Whetherthecoachisworkingwithindividualprivateclientsorhasbeenhiredtoworkwithclientsinsideanorganization,asenseofpurpose,evenahigherpurpose,isdefinitelyanunderlyingelement.IntheworldofCo-Activecoaching,wewouldsaythatcoachingexiststoservetheclient’shigherpurpose.Whenweaimforthishigherpurpose,wecreatethemeansfortransformativechangeinclientsand,byextension,infamiliesandorganizations.Theripplesofchangeinaclient’shigherpurposemoveoutintotheworld.

Tobepresentthere,contributingtothatchange,isenormouslygratifying.Itfulfillsasenseofhigherpurposeinthecoach’slife.Makingadifference—helpingotherstoachievetheirdreamsandreachtheirpotential—thisiswhycoachesaredrawntothiswork.

CHAPTER2TheCo-ActiveCoachingRelationship

Coachingisnotsomuchamethodologyasitisarelationship—aparticularkindofrelationship.Yes,thereareskillstolearnandawidevarietyoftoolsavailable,buttherealartofeffectivecoachingcomesfromthecoach’sabilitytoworkwithinthecontextofrelationship.Everyclientisunique,withauniquesetofcircumstances,uniquegoalsanddesireforchange,uniqueabilities,interests,evenhabitsofself-sabotage.Wecantalkinverygeneraltermsaboutfocusareasthatclientsoftenpursue—careerchange,lifetransition,performanceimprovement,leadershipintheworkplace,healthandwellnessissues—butonlyinthebroadestterms.Addtothispicturethefactthatgoalschangeovertimeasclientsclarifywhatisimportant,astheydigdeeperintowhatmotivatesthem,andastheyproduceresults(actionandlearning).Thereisnoauthorizeduniversalreferencemanualwithstandardizeddiagnosesandcoachingsolutionsneatlydefined.Coachingisinherentlydynamic;thatisoneofthefundamentalqualitiesofcoachingandareasonforitspowerasamediumforchange.Coachingispersonal;coachingcreatesaunique,empoweredrelationshipforchange.

InCo-Activecoaching,wealsoemphasizethepeerrelationship—thatcoachandclienthaveequal,thoughdifferent,roles.TheyareCo-Activeintherelationship,sotheyarecocreators,collaborators,inaway.

Wecanpicturethisrelationshipasatriangle(seeFigure2).

Thecoachgrantspowertothecoachingrelationship.Theclientalsograntspowertotherelationship,nottothecoach.Clientsareinturnempoweredbytherelationship—empoweredtotakechargeoftheirlivesandthechoicestheymake.Inthisfigure,allthepoweroftherelationshipexiststoservetheclient.

Infact,theCo-Activecoachmustmaketheshiftfrom“Iampowerful”to“thecoachingrelationshipispowerful.”Powerfulcoachingisnotaboutbeingapowerfulcoach;itisaboutthepowertheclientexperiences.Imaginethatthecoachingrelationshipisarechargingplacewhereclientstapintothesourceofenergytheyneedtogetoverthehurdlesintheirlives.Theycan’tgettheworkdoneiftheenergylevelislow.Thepowercomesnotdirectlyfromthecoach,however,butfromtherelationship—fromthesynergyoftheenergyclientsbringintheformofdesireandmotivationandtheenergycoachesbringintheformoftheircommitment,skills,andunderstandingofhumanchange.

FIGURE2TheCoachingPowerTriangle

TheCoachingEnvironmentAtitsmostfundamental,acoachingsessionisaconversationbetweenacoachandanotherpersonor—inteamorrelationshipcoaching—acoachandtwoormorepeople.Butthisisnoordinary,everydayconversation.Aneffectivecoachingconversationgetstotheheartofwhatmatters.Itisafocused,concentratedconversationdesignedtosupportthecoacheeinclarifyingchoicesandmakingchanges.Theenvironmentinwhichtheconversationtakesplaceiscrucial.

By“environment,”wemeanbothaphysicalenvironmentandarelationshipenvironmentmadeupofgroundrules,expectations,andagreements.InCo-Activecoaching,wetalkabouttwocorecharacteristicsofaneffectivecoachingenvironment:one,itissafeenoughforclientstotaketheriskstheyneedtotake,andtwo,itisacourageousplacewhereclientsareabletoapproachtheirlivesandthechoicestheymakewithmotivation,curiosity,andcreativity.Bytheway,“safe”doesnotnecessarilymean“comfortable.”Significantchangemaybehighlyuncomfortable,andyettherearewaystoensurethattheexperienceissafe.Likerockclimbersascendingthecliffface,strivingforthesummit,clientsmayfindtheprocessexhilarating,exhausting,andscary.Butknowingthatthereistheequivalentofabelayteamholdingtheirrope,ensuringtheirsafety,givesthemtheconfidencetokeepclimbing.

Certainqualitiescharacterizeanenvironmentthatissafeyetpromotescourageinclients.Thesequalitiesgiveshapetowhat

mightbecalledthe“container”forthecoachingrelationship.

ConfidentialityMakingchangemeansdisturbingthefamiliarandwell-establishedorderofthings.Itmaybedeeplysatisfying,maybeexciting,toembarkonthatchangeandyetstillfeelrisky.Eveniftheclientandtheclient’sworldarecompletelycommittedtoandsupportiveofthechange,changebyitsnatureisanunknown.Ifclientsaregoingtoriskmakingsignificantchange,theymustbeabletorisktalkingfreelywiththeircoach.Disclosureiscrucialbecauseitleadstothediscoverythatisnecessaryforaction.Withoutthesafetyandreassurancethatconfidentialityprovides,thecoachingwillbetentative,andtherewillalwaysbeanundercurrentofwonderaboutwhatispossiblybeingwithheld.

Coacheswhoworkwithclientsinsideorganizationshavetodealwithamorecomplexenvironment.Confidentialitybetweencoachandclientisstillakeyconditionforsafeandcourageousconversation,butbecausetheorganizationhasavestedinterestintheresult,itusuallyrequiressomeformofreportingonthecoaching.Often,clientsaretheoneswhotakeresponsibilityforreportingthenatureofthecoachingwork,whichallowsthemtodisclosewhatismostrelevanttotheorganizationwhilepreservingconfidentialitybetweenthemselvesandtheircoach.

TrustAnagreementtoholdthecoachingconversationconfidentialisonekeycomponentinbuildingtrust.Trustisalsobuiltovertimeasclientandcoachlearnthateachcanbecountedonand

theclientlearnsthattherelationshipdeliversresults.Trustisbuiltfromsmallthingslikebeingpunctualforcoachingsessionsandfromapatternofreliability.Becausetrustworksbothways,itisasimportantforthecoachasitisfortheclient.Thecoachmustbetrustworthyinheraction.

Relationshipisalsobuiltandtrustexpandedbycoachessimplybelievingintheirclients.Weliveinaculturethat,forthemostpart,demandsthatpeopleprovethemselves,demonstratetheirworthinessbyperformingtosomestandard,beforetheyareacceptedintothecircle.Theculturecreatesrelationshipsinwhichtheemphasisisonproving,explaining,justifying.Acoachingrelationshipbuiltonthepremisethatclientsarenaturallycreative,resourceful,andwholeandarecapableofmakingthebestchoicesisarelationshipfoundedonbasictrustintheclient’scapacityandintegrity.Clientsseethattheyhaveapersonintheirliveswhobelievestheycandowhattheysaytheycando,whobelievestheycanbethepeopletheysaytheywanttobe.

Itisaparadoxthatcoachesbelievecompletelyintheirclientsand,atthesametime,holdthemaccountable.Butby“accountable”wedonotmeanacontextofjudgment,asin“proveittome,”butsimplyaccountingfortheirpromiseofactionandtheinsightoflearning.Clientsseethatthecoachisreallyontheirside,respectingtheirvisionandtheiractionplansbutalsowillingtobehonestanddirectfortheirsake.

SpeakingtheTruthWecouldalsocallthisattributeofacoachingenvironment“gettingreal.”Asafeandcourageousspaceforchangemustbe,bydefinition,aplacewherethetruthcanbetold.Itisaplace

whereclientscantellthewholetruthaboutwhattheyhavedone,andnotdone,withoutworryingaboutwhatthecoachwillsay.Thisisanenvironmentwithoutjudgment,anditisaplacewherethecoachexpectsthetruthfromtheclientbecausetruthcarriesnoconsequenceotherthanlearning,discovery,andnewinsight.Clientsexpectthetruthfromthecoachbecausethatispreciselytheperspectiveforwhichthecoachhasbeenhired.Clientsareoftensoclosetotheirownsituations,sowrappedupintheirownhistoriesandhabitualpatterns,thattheyaresometimesunabletoseethetruthaccurately.Thismaybeoneoftheirreasonsforseekingoutcoaching.Theyrelyonthecoachfortheacuitythatseesthroughthechaosandfog.Thisshouldbeonerelationshipinwhichclientscancountonstraightforwardandhonestinteractions.

Truthtellingdoesn’thavetobeconfrontational,althoughitmayconfront.Itcanbehandledwithsharpnessorsoftness,butitconfrontstheusualtacitacceptanceoftheclient’sexplanations.Truthtellingrefusestosidesteporoverlook:itboldlypointsoutwhentheemperorisnotwearingclothes.Thereisnoinherentjudgmentintellingthetruth.Thecoachismerelystatingwhatheorshesees.Withholdingthetruthservesneithertheclientnorthecoachingrelationship.Arealrelationshipisnotbuiltonbeingnice;it’sbuiltonbeingreal.Whenthecoachhasthecouragetotellthetruth,theclientgetsamodelfortheartofbeingstraight.Andintheprocess,moretrustisbuiltbetweencoachandclient.

OpennessandSpaciousnessOneofthequalitiesthatmakesthecoachingrelationshipworkisspaciousness.Thisisaplacewhereclientscanbreathe,

experiment,fantasize,andstrategizewithoutlimitation.Itisanotherworld,aplaceofwide-eyeddreams.Itisaspaceinwhichtheycanventtheiranger,troubles,spite,perceptionsofinjustice.Itisaplacewherefailureisacknowledgedasameansforlearning,wheretherearenoabsolutesandfewrules.

Forthecoach,spaciousnessalsomeanscompletedetachmentfromanyparticularcourseofactionoranyresultsclientsachieve.Thecoachcontinuestocareaboutherclients,theiragendas,theirhealthandgrowth,butnottheroadtheytaketogetthere,thespeedoftravel,orthedetourstheymightmakealongtheway—aslongastheycontinuetomovetowardtheresultstheywant.Ultimately,coachingisnotaboutwhatthecoachdeliversbutaboutwhatclientscreate.Acoachmayproposeacourseofactiontogettheresultsaclientdesires.Thatisfine.Brainstormingispartofcoachingandcanmakeavaluablecontributiontotheclient’sprocess.Butinordertopreserveopennessintherelationship,thecoachmustnotbeattachedtowhetherclientstakehersuggestions.Thespaciousnessoftherelationshiprequiresthatclientshavemanychannelsopentocreativeinspirationandnotberestrictedtothecoach’sgoodideas,nomatterhowsoundorgroundedinexperience.Inthisway,clientsareabletoexplorethewidestrangeofpossibilities.

TheDesignedAllianceSofarwe’vebeentalkingaboutthisrelationshipbetweenclientandcoachasifitwereconceptual.Actually,webelieveitisimportantforclientandcoachtoconsciouslyanddeliberatelydesigntheirworkingrelationshipandcontinuetoredesignitas

necessaryupthroughandincludingitscompletion.ThedesignedalliancesurroundsthecoachandclientintheCo-Activecoachingmodel(seeFigure1,p.8)andrepresentsthecontainerwithinwhichcoachandclientdotheirwork.

Theformofthedesignwillbedifferentfordifferentcoachesanduniquetoeachcoach–clientrelationship.Theconversationthatcreatesthedesignfocusesontheassumptionsandexpectationsofcoachandclient.Thepurposeofthisintentionalconversationistoclarifytheprocessandexpectedoutcomesandprovideaforumfornegotiatingthedesignofarelationshipthatisaspowerfulaspossibleforbothclientandcoach.

Insimplestterms,thedesignofthealliancelooksatquestionssuchas,Whataretheconditionsthatneedtobeinplaceforthetwoofustoworktogethereffectively?Whataretheobstaclesorpotentialobstacles?Whatfundamentalquestionsneedtobeansweredinordertogetthemostoutofthisprocess?Andasthecoachingcontinues,therewillbeongoingquestions:Whatisworkingandwhatisnot?Whatdoweneedtochangeinordertomakethecoachingrelationshipmoreeffectiveorhavemoreimpact?

Thisfirstconversationaboutconsciouslycreatinganeffectiveworkingrelationshipisjustthebeginning.Continuingtobeopen,tofindnewormoreeffectivewaysofworkingtogetherisanongoingpartofaCo-Activecoachingrelationship.Inoneway,thestrengthofaclient’sabilitytomakechangesinhisworkandlifeisameasureofthestrengthinthecoach–clientrelationship.Andthestrengthofthatrelationshipismeasuredbythecommitmenttoanopen,fearless,andcontinuouslyevolvingdesignoftheirallianceovertime.

CoachingFormatOverthepastdecade,coachingasapracticeandasaprofessionhastakenrootinmyriadforms,andthevarietyofenvironmentsinwhichwefindcoachingandcoachingskillsbeingusedcontinuestoexpand.TodayyouwillfindCo-Activecoachesworkingfromhomeofficesandinsideinstitutionsandorganizations.YouwillfindCo-Activecoachescoachinginprisoncellsandcorporateboardrooms.Somecoachesworkasemployeeswithinorganizations,oftenwithjobdutiesinadditiontocoaching.Otherscombinecoachingwithconsultingworkinordertoprovideongoingimplementationsupportandfollow-up.Manycoachesworkindividuallywithprivateclients.Somespecializeinworkingwithteamsorwithpeopleinrelationship.Coachingtodayisglobalandcross-cultural.Coachesandclientscoverdozensofdemographiccategories:age,income,education,ethnicbackground,jobposition.ManycoachesspecializeinaselectinterestorcareerareaandfocusonworkingwithCEOs,immigrantsorexpatriates,artistsandmusicians,orparentsandtheirteenagers.

Theenvironmentwithinwhichcoachingtakesplacesisequallyvaried.Manycoachesworkwithclientsbytelephone,withregularlyscheduled,oftenweekly,appointments,althoughtherearemanyvariations.Somecoachesandclientspreferin-personcoaching,whetherattheclient’ssite,atthecoach’soffice,oroff-site.Coachesmaycontractwithclientsforafixedperiodoftime,suchasthreemonths,sixmonths,orayear.Othercoachesestablishongoing,open-endedrelationshipswithclients.Coachingtakesplaceinpaneledboardrooms,inner-cityhomes,andmountainretreats.

Withinthatframework,coachesbringtheircoachingtrainingandexperience,alongwithawidevarietyoftoolsandassessments.Thepermutationsofformsandenvironmentscontinue,inspiredbytheimaginationofcoachesandtheinterestsofclients.Andyet,nomatterwhatformthecoachingtakes,webelievethatitwillbemosteffectivewhencoachandclientcreateasafeandcourageousspacefortheworkandwhenbothpartiesconsciouslydesigntheirworkingalliance.

GettingStartedCoachestypicallybeginaworkingrelationshipwithaninitialprocessthatispartclientorientationandpartself-discoveryworkforclients.Thisfoundation-settingprocessfamiliarizesclientswiththecoachingprocess,providesanopportunitytodesignthealliance,andbeginstheworkofclarifyingclientissuesandgoals.Thereisnostandardizedformforthis.Withsomecoaches,itisabriefintervieworapageortwoofbasicquestions,allhandledintheinitialcoachingsession.Othercoachesmightuseseveralsessions,assessmentsofvariouskinds,andinterviewswiththeclient’scoworkers,directreports,orfamilymembers.Orthisdiscoveryprocessmightbedoneasvisioningworkataretreatcenter.

Inthisinitialwork,clientslearnwhattoexpectfromcoaching.Itisalsoatimeforthemtoclarifywheretheyare,wherethey’reheaded,thestrengthstheywillusetogetthere,andtheobstaclesthatofteninterfere.

Thecoachtypicallycoversthesefourareas:

Logistics

Youarehere.Whereishere?DesigningthefutureOrientationtocoaching

LogisticsOneofthefirst,obviouselementsingettingstartediscommunicationandagreementonfundamentalgroundrulesandadministrativeprocedures.Settlingsuchdetailsasappointmentschedules,cancellationpolicy,andpaymentarrangements(whenappropriate)ispartofgettingunderway,butitisalsokeyincreatingrelationship.Clientswillbegintosetexpectationsoftheircoachandthecoachingbasedonthecoach’shandlingoftheseadministrativeprocedures.Howcoaches“handlethedetails,”especiallyintheareaofgettingagreement,setsatoneandcreatesaparticularenvironment.

YouAreHere.WhereIsHere?Thisdiscoveryphasefocusesonwhereclientsaretodayandhowtheygotthere.It’saconversationaboutwheretheyareandtheissuesathand,whatisatstake,whatmovesthem,whatblocksthem.Theconversationmightaddresssuchissuesaslifepurposeormission,values,principles,orpersonalbeliefs.Often,thecoachwillmakeanoverallassessmentofsatisfactioninthesignificantareasoftheclient’slifeusingatoolliketheWheelofLife(seeFigure3)oraversionofthewheelcreatedspecificallyforaclient’ssituation.(SeetheCoach’sToolkitonline,atwww.coactive.com/toolkitformoreinformationonusingthisandothertoolsfordiscovery.)

FIGURE3TheWheelofLife

Clientsandcoachmighttalkaboutpreviousdisappointmentsandsuccessesinordertogetanideaofwhatdoesanddoesn’twork,whereclientsarefulfilled,andthestrategiestheyusetohandleobstaclesandderailment.Inthisphase,clientandcoacharebeginningtheprocessofreallygettingtoknowthisperson,theclient,fromtheinsideout:thebrightplaces,thedarkplaces,theeffectiveplaces,andthenot-so-effectiveplaces.

Thecoachmayuseassessmenttoolsorexercises,butattheheartofthediscoveryprocessareanswerstosimple,powerfulquestions:Wheredoyouwanttomakeadifferenceinyourlife?Whatdoyouvaluemostinyourrelationshipwithothers?Whatworksforyouwhenyouaresuccessfulatmakingchanges?Wheredoyouusuallygetstuck?Whatmotivatesyou?Howdoyoudealwithdisappointmentorfailure?Howareyouaboutdoingwhatyousayyou’lldo?

Theanswersalsopointveryclearlytothedesignofthemosteffectivecoachingrelationship.Forexample,thequestionWheredoyouusuallygetstuck?leadstoalogicalnext

question,Howwouldyoulikemetorespondasyourcoachwhenyou’restuck?Inthatexchange,clientsexperienceandcontributetothedesignofthealliance.

DesigningtheFutureAthirdareaofthisinitialworkinvolvestheoutcomesanddesiresclientsbringtocoaching.Herethefocusisonhavingclientsdescribewhattheywanttochangeorwhattheywanttoachieve.Mostclientshaveoneortwoprimaryareasoffocus.Chancesofsuccessarebetterwhenclientsconcentrateononeortwokeypointsofchange,sopartofthefoundation-settingconversationisdesignedtoclarifythosekeyareas.Thesefutureoutcomeswillbetheresultofachievinggoals,fulfillingcommitments,changinghabits,andbringingacompellingvisiontolife.Theinitialconversationalsoexploreswhotheclientwillbeinordertocreatethatnewfuture.

DesiredOutcomeandGoals.Clientsbringadesireforchangetocoaching.Theresultstheyhaveinmindmaybevaguelydefinedorcrystalclear,butineithercase,clientshavenotyetbeenabletoachievetheresultstheywant.Desiredoutcomesmaybeasspecificasaparticulargoal,orclientsmaywanttomovetowardacertainstateofbeing,suchas“balanced,”“livingwellwithalife-threateningillness,”or“morefulfilledwithmywork.”Partoftheinitialprocesswillbedevotedtoclarifyingoutcomesand,inmanycases,refiningbroadlystateddesiresintospecificgoals:Whatwillhappen?Inwhattimeframe?Andhowwillclientsknowtheyhaveachievedtheresultstheywant?Coachandclientworktogethertoclarifythegoalsaswellasdevelopstrategiesforachievingthem.Justas

importanttoachievingresultsisputtingnewpracticesinplace.Eliminatinglife-draininghabitswhileimplementingsustaining,life-givingpracticesisanotherimportantfocusofthecoachingprocess.

CompellingVision.Wecanbepusheddowntheroadbydeadlinesandexpectationsandto-dolists.Wecanbedrivenbythedesireformoneyoraccomplishmentorbythepromiseswemake.Orwecanbepulleddowntheroadbythegravitationalforceofacompellingvision,likewaterrunningdownhill.Youcanfeelthedifferencebetweenthesetwoforces:pushedordrivenononehand,orpulledirresistiblyontheother.Discoveringwhatdrawsushasthepowertoovercomethebondsoflethargyandfear.Findingthecompellingvisioncantakeanygoal,action,oroutcomeandinvestitwithnewpower.Animportantelementintheinitialdiscoveryworkwithclientsisuncoveringorignitingthisvision.

WhoYouNeedtoBe.Theclassicdefinitionof“crazy”istocontinuetodothingsthesamewayandexpectdifferentresults.Thetruthis,ifnothingchanges,nothingchanges.Veryoften,somethingnewontheoutside,likeanewoutcome,includesthecreationofsomethingnewontheinside.Inordertoachievetheresultstheywant,clientsverylikelywillneedtochangeattitudes,paradigms,orunderlyingbeliefs.Thebeginningofanewcoachingrelationshipisanidealtimetopeelbacktheaccumulatedlayersofidentityandoldrolestouncovertheauthenticpersonwithin.

OrientationtoCoaching

Anotheroutcomeofthefoundation-settingprocessisorientingtheclienttocoaching.Evenclientswhohaveworkedwithacoachbeforecouldusetheopportunitytotalkthroughassumptionsandconcernsandopenlyshareexpectationsofcoachingandthecoach/coacheerelationship.Inthiswaybothcoachandclienttakeastandonbehalfofthecoachingrelationship.Aclear,forthrightconversationhelpsreinforcefrank,unrestrained,andhenceCo-Activegroundwork.

HomeostasisPartoftheorientationtocoachingoughttoincludeafewwordsabouthomeostasis,anatural,oftensubconsciousresistancetochange.“Oldhabitsdiehard,”asthesayinggoes.Sodooldbeliefsandoldwaysofrelatingtoothers.Particularlyinthemiddleofchange,whentheoldwayisundoneandthenewwaynotyetembedded,thereisastrongpullbacktothefamiliar,theknown,evenifitdidn’tgetclientstheresultstheywanted.Changerequirestheexpenditureofenergy,andcontinuingtheprocessofchangerequiressustainingenergy.Somechangewillbeeasy;otherchangewillnotbesoeasy.Therewilloftenbeatendency,oratemptationatleast,tobackslide.It’sbetterforclientstobeawareandprepared,sothatifthetemptationappears,itdoesnotfeelliketheyarefailing.Homeostasis,thenaturaltendencytokeepthingsjustastheyare,isalsoinherentinthesystem.Everyindividual—whetheraprivateclientoronecoachedinanorganizationalsetting—liveswithinasystem,andthesystemitselfoftencontributestotheresistancetochange.Again,anawarenessofthesystem’spowercanhelpclientsastheymovethroughchanges.

Andfinally,thereisaspecificcounterreactiontochangethatappearsfairlyconsistentlywithclients,whichmightbecalled“thedip.”Forcoacheswhoworkwithclientsonaweeklybasis,itoftenshowsupbetweenweeksthreeandeight,eitherbecausechangeisnothappeningfastenoughorbecausetheinitialeuphoriaofcommitmenthaswornoff.Clientsrealizethattalkingaboutactionisonethingandactuallytakingactionisquiteanother.Manycoachesstartclientswithathree-monthcommitmenttohelpthemgetpastthedip.

TheBiggerPictureInorderforcoachingtowork,theremustbecommitment:commitmentonthepartoftheclienttoexploring,changing,learning,takingrisks;commitmenttoperseveringevenwhenitisdifficult;commitmenttoinvestingthetimeandenergy.Clientsmustbewillingtogobeyondtheircomfortzonesandstepintotheunknownforthesakeofchange.Withoutthiscommitment,coachingdriftsanddevolvesintochitchatorto-doliststhatoftendon’tgetdone.Fortunately,mostclientsareenergizedandwillingwhentheystart.Thisistheperfecttimeforclientstoclarifyanddeclaretheircommitment.

Coaches,inturn,needtobeclearabouttheircommitmenttotheirclients.Itisacommitmenttodigdeeplyandcourageously,tolistenintentlytothewordsspokenandthoseunspoken.Coachingwiththislevelofcommitmentcanbeexcitingandinspiring.Itwillnotbetrivial.Thecoachwhoiscommittedtoclientsandtheirultimategoalsiswillingtochallenge,incite,motivate,encourage,andsometimesinsistthatclientstakecharge.Thisisthecornerstone“Evoke

Transformation”inaction.Whencoachesbring100percentoftheireffortandexpertise,andmatchtheclient’scommitmentwiththeirown,theirsisatrulyCo-Activerelationship.Anditisthismutualcommitmentandthedesignedalliancebetweenclientandcoachthatcreatethesafeandcourageousspaceinwhichclientscandotheimportantworkoftheirlives.

PART2Co-ActiveCoachingContexts

Oneoftheeasiestwaystoseeandunderstandtheapplicationofcoachingskillsistoviewthemwithinthefivecontextsofcoaching:

ListeningIntuitionCuriosityForwardandDeepenSelf-management

Thefollowingfivechapterspresentdetailedexplanationsofthecontextsaswellasthedefinitionsofspecificcoachingskills.Eachchapteralsocontainscoachingconversationsthatillustratetheskillsinactiontogetherwithanumberofexercisesyoucanusetodeveloptheskills.

CHAPTER3Listening

Tobelistenedtoisastrikingexperience,partlybecauseitissorare.Whenanotherpersonistotallywithyou—leaningin,interestedineveryword,eagertoempathize—youfeelknownandunderstood.Peopleopenupwhentheyknowthey’rereallybeinglistenedto;theyexpand;theyhavemorepresence.Theyfeelsaferandmoresecureaswell,andtrustgrows.Thisiswhylisteningissoimportanttocoachingandwhyitisthefirstofthefivecontextswediscuss.

Listeningisatalenteachofusisgiveninsomemeasure.Peoplewhobecomecoachestendtobegiftedlistenerstobeginwith.Butlisteningisalsoaskillthatpeoplecanlearnanddevelopthroughtraining.Masterfulcoacheshavetakentheirabundantgiftandbroughtittoahighlevelofproficiency.Indeed,theyuseitwiththesameunconsciousgraceanathleteusesinasportoramusicianinaperformance.

Mostpeopledonotlistenataverydeeplevel.Theirday-to-dayoccupationsandpreoccupationsdon’trequiremorethanaminimumleveloflistening—justasmostofusneveracquiremorethananaveragelevelofphysicalfitness.Wedon’tneedthemusclesbecausewearenotworld-classathletes.Ineverydaylistening,welistenmostlytothewords.ThefocusisonwhatyousaidandwhatIsaid.Thinkofalltheargumentsinwhichthecruxofthefightwastheprecisewordsthatwereused:“That’snotwhatyousaid.”“It’swhatImeant.”“Butit’snotwhatyousaid.”Orwehearthewordsandthendisconnect

fromtheconversationwhileweprocessthewordsinternally.Westartthinkingaboutwhatwe’llsaynext.Welookforacomparablestory—oronethat’sjustalittlemoredramatic:“Youthinkthatwasscary,letmetellyouaboutthetimeI…”Wegetcaughtupinourownfeelings;wetakethingspersonally;welistenatasuperficiallevelasweevaluateandjudgewhattheotherpersonissaying.

Theabsenceofreallisteningisespeciallyprevalentatwork.Underpressuretogetthejobdone,welistenfortheminimumofwhatweneedtoknowsowecanmoveontothenextfirethatneedsfighting.Theconsequence:it’snowonderpeoplefeellikemerefunctionsinawhirlingmachine,nothumanbeings.It’snowonderthat“employeeengagement”isaseriousissueinmostorganizationstoday.Everybody’stalking;nobody’slistening.

Mostofuswouldsaythatourfriendsaregenerallygoodlistenersbecausetheyarewillingtosuspendtheirjudgmentofusandsometimeswillevenbequietandhearourstories.Andyet,toooften,whenwereallywantjusttobelistenedto,ourfamilies,friends,andcoworkers,withthebestintentionsintheworld,wanttosolvetheproblemortakecareofthefeelings.Effectivecoaching—whetheryouareatrainedcoachorthisemployee’smanager—requireseffectivelistening,attunedandadept.Thebestlistenersknowhowtomaximizethelisteninginteraction.“Interaction”istherightword,too,becauselisteningisnotsimplypassivelyhearing.Thereisactioninlistening.

AwarenessandImpact

Therearetwoaspectsoflisteningincoaching.Oneisawareness.Wereceiveinformationinwhatwehearwithourears,ofcourse,butwealsolistenwithallthesensesandwithourintuition.Wehear,see,andexperiencesounds,words,images,feelings,energy.Weareattentivetoalltheinformationwedrawinfromoursenses.Wearemultifacetedreceiverswithmanyreceptorsofvariouskinds,allofwhicharetakingininformation:wenoticethebreathingontheotherendofthephone,thepaceofthedelivery,themodulationofthevoice.Wesensethepressurebehindthewords—thevoicemightbesoftorhardedged,tentativeorenraged.Welistennotonlytothepersonbut,simultaneously,toeverythingelsethatishappeningintheenvironment.Whenwe’retogetherinperson,weseebodylanguage.Overthephone,wesenseemotionandimaginetheclenchedjawortheheadbowedinsorrow.It’sallinformation.Weareaware.

Thesecondaspectiswhatwedowithourlistening.Thisistheimpactofourlisteningonothers—specifically,theimpactofthecoach’slisteningontheclient.Asanexperiencedcoach,youneedtobeconsciousnotonlyofwhatyouarelisteningtobutoftheimpactyouhavewhenyouactonyourawareness.Mostofthetime,thisconsciousnessoccursjustbelowthesurfacewhileyourattentionisstillontheotherperson.

Thinkofitthisway:Imagineyou’reinafencingmatch.Allofyourattentionisfocusedontheopponentasyouinstantaneouslymakechoicesandrespond,parry,thrust.Yourattentionisnotonthechoicesyouaremaking—thatwouldbreakyourconcentration,withdisastrousresults.Oncethematchisover,youcanrecaptheactionandreviewthechoicesyoumade.Whenyoulistenlikethis,youarenotthinkingabout

whatyoutakeinorwhatyou’regoingtodowithyourawareness.Yourlisteningishyperconsciousandunconsciousatthesametime.

Whatyoudowithyourawareness,thechoicesyoumake,willhaveanimpact.Forexample,imagineyou’reinacrowdedroomandyousmellsmoke.Theremightbeafire.Yourattentionisdrawntothesmoke.Younoticeit.That’sthefirstaspectoftheawareness.Thenyoudecidewhattodowiththisinformation.Youmightyell“Fire!”oryoumightmentionitcasuallytothehost.Youcouldgrabafireextinguisherandshoulderyourwaythroughthecrowdtoheroicallyfighttheblaze,oryoucouldslipquietlyoutthesidedoor.Eachofthesechoiceswillhaveadifferentimpact.Therewillbedifferentconsequencesdependingonwhatyoudidwithyourawareness.

Clearly,listeningisnotpassive,especiallyinthecoachingrelationship.Inourlisteningmodel,wedescribethreelevelsoflistening.Thesethreelevelsgivethecoachanenormousrangeand,ultimately,theabilitytolistenataverydeeplevel.

LevelI—InternalListeningAtLevelI,ourawarenessisonourselves.Welistentothewordsoftheotherperson,butourattentionisonwhatitmeanstouspersonally.AtLevelI,thespotlightison“me”:mythoughts,myjudgments,myfeelings,myconclusionsaboutmyselfandothers.Whateverishappeningwiththeotherpersoniscomingbacktousthroughadiode:aone-wayenergytrapthatletsinformationinbutnotout.We’reabsorbinginformationbylisteningbutholdingitinatrapthatrecyclesit.AtLevelI,thereisonlyonequestion:Whatdoesthismeanto

me?Manytimesthismaybeentirelyappropriate.Whentraveling

alonetoadifferentcity,youarelikelytobeoperatingatLevelImostofthetime.Asyouarriveattheairport,you’rethinkingaboutwheretocheckin,whetheryourememberedyouridentification,howmuchtimebeforetheflight,thefactthatyouhateflying,youropinionofairlinefood,yourawarenessthatthepersonintheseatbehindyoukeepskickingyou.Allofyourattentionisonyourself,asitshouldbe.AnotherindicationthatyouareoperatingatLevelIisastrongdesireformoreinformation.Youwantanswers,explanations,details,data.Theinternalconversationmightsoundlikethis:Theflightisdelayed?ButI’llbelate.Whenwillweleave?WhenwillIeat?HowcanIletpeopleknowImightbedelayed?Isthereanotherflight?DidIbringenoughtoread?ThepurposeofinformationgatheringatLevelIistomeetyourownneeds.

AnothertypicalsettingforLevelIisarestaurant.Yourawarenessisself-directed,andtheimpactofLevelIlisteningisallaboutyou.Theconsequencesaffectyourpleasure,yourhealth,yoursatisfaction,andyourwallet:DoIwantabeveragebeforeordering?Whatarethespecialstoday?Isthechaircomfortable?Isthereadraft?AmItooclosetothekitchen?Howaretheprices?CanIaffordit?Youareconsciousofyourthoughtsandfeelings.Thedecisions,choices,andjudgmentsyoumakeareallaboutyou.Youlovecertainkindsoffish—butnotiftheyservethewholefishwiththosedeadblankeyesstaringupfromtheplate.Youthinkabouttheweightyouwanttolose,soyoudecidetoorderthelow-fatdressingontheside.Yourinternalmindchatterisatmaximumhere.Eventhoughyouaresittingintherestaurantacrossthetablefromsomeone

youaremadlyinlovewith,yourawarenessisentirelyatLevelIuntilyouhaveordered.

LevelIinformsusaboutourselvesandwhat’sgoingonaroundus.It’swherewefigurethingsoutandunderstand.It’sveryimportant.ClientsneedtobeatLevelI.That’stheirjob:tolookatthemselvesandtheirlives—toprocess,think,feel,understand.Butitisdefinitelynotappropriateforthecoachtobeoperatingatthisself-absorbedlevelforanylengthoftime.Coaches,beinghuman,willnaturallyhavemomentsoflosingfocusontheclientandbeingatLevelI.ThepracticeforcoachesistoreturntoconnectionwithclientsatLevelsIIandIIIasquicklyaspossible.

LevelIDialogueClient:Thenewhouseisamess.I’vegotboxeseverywhere.Icanhardlygetfromthefrontdoortothebathroom—andI’vegotthebiggestproposalofmycareertofinishbyFriday.

COACH:Iwentthroughthesamethinglastyear.Thekeyistomakesureyou’vegotyourlong-termvisioninsight.

Client:That’ssortofthedilemma,though.BecauseItraveledsomuchlastmonth,mywife’spastthepointofpatience.I’mreallynotpullingmyweightathome.

COACH:That’llworkout.Themessistemporary.Don’tletitdistractyoufromtherealissue—maintainingmomentum.

Client:Thisfeelslikemorethanalittledistraction.

COACH:I’msureyoucanexplainwhythisissoimportant.Inthemeantime,let’sgetbacktoyourproposal.

Client:Okay.Ifyou’resure…

Clearly,thecoachislisteningatLevelI—payingmoreattentiontohisownjudgmentsandopinionsanddrivinghisownagenda.Thepointofthisexampleisnotwhichcourseofactioniscorrectforthisclientbutwherethecoachisfocusinghisattention.Inthiscase,thecoach’sattentionisonaproblemandhispreferredsolutionratherthanonaclientwithadilemma.

LevelII—FocusedListeningAtLevelII,thereisasharpfocusontheotherperson.Sometimesyoucanseeitineachperson’sposture:bothleaningforward,lookingintentlyateachother.Thereisagreatdealofattentionontheotherpersonandnotmuchawarenessoftheoutsideworld.

Let’sgobacktotherestaurantsceneandourtwolovers.Dinnerhasbeenordered,themenustakenaway.Nowtheireyesarefocusedoneachotherandnothingelse.Theirdesireistobesoclosethattheybecomeone.Theyaresooblivioustotheoutsideworldthatthissceneofcompleteromanticisolationhasbecomeacaricatureusedincommercials.It’sasifthey’relivingintheirownbubble.

Whenyou,asacoach,arelisteningatLevelII,yourawarenessistotallyonyourclients.Youlistenfortheirwords,theirexpressions,theiremotions,everythingtheybring.Younoticewhattheysay,howtheysayit.Younoticewhatthey

don’tsay.Youseetheirsmilesorhearthetearsintheirvoices.Youlistenforwhattheyvalue.Youlistenfortheirvision,fortheuniquewaytheylookattheworld.Youlistenforwhatmakesthemcomealiveinthecoachingsessionandwhatmakesthemgodeadorwithdraw.

Energyandinformationcomefromtheclient.Theseareprocessedbythecoachandreflectedback.AtLevelII,theimpactofawarenessisontheclient.Thecoachislikeaperfectmirrorthatabsorbsnoneofthelight;whatcomesfromtheclientisreturned.AtLevelII,coachesareconstantlyawareoftheimpacttheirlisteningishavingontheirclients—notconstantlymonitoringtheimpact,butaware.

LevelIIlisteningisthelevelofempathy,clarification,collaboration.Itisasifthereisawiredconnectionbetweencoachandclient.Atthislevel,coachesareunattachedtoself,theiragenda,theirthoughts,ortheiropinions.AtLevelII,coachesaresofocusedontheclientthatthemindchattervirtuallydisappearsandcoachingbecomesalmostspontaneous.Asacoach,youarenolongertryingtofigureoutthenextmove.Infact,ifyourattentionisontryingtocomeupwithwhattosaynext—whatbrilliantquestiontoposetotheclient—thatshouldbeacluethatyouarelisteningatLevell,insideyourownexperience.

AsacoachlisteningatLevelII,younotonlyheartheclientspeakbutnoticeallthatiscomingtoyouintheformofinformation—thetone,thepace,thefeelingsexpressed.Youchoosewhattorespondtoandhowyouwillrespond.Thenyounoticetheimpactofyourresponseontheclientandreceivethatinformationaswell.It’sasthoughyoulistentwicebeforetheclientrespondsagain.Youlistenfortheclient’sinitial

conversation,andyoulistenfortheclient’sreactiontoyourresponse.Youreceiveinformationbothtimes.ThisislisteningatLevelII.

IndescribingLevelIIlistening,wetendtouseillustrationsofonecoachandoneclient,butLevelIIlisteningisaboutthefocusoftheawareness.Forcoacheswhoworkwithpartners,couples,oreventeams,itisentirelypossibletolistenatLevelIItomorethanoneindividual.

LevelIIDialogueClient:Thenewhouseisamess.I’vegotboxeseverywhere.Icanhardlygetfromthefrontdoortothebathroom—andI’vegotthebiggestproposalofmycareertofinishbyFriday.

COACH:Howimportantisittogetsettledathome?Thisisthemostproductivetimeyou’vehadinyourbusinesssinceyoustarted.

Client:Iknow,butifIdon’thelpoutwithmovingin,Icouldbelivingsolosoon,ifyouknowwhatImean.MywifedidnearlyallthepackinglastmonthwhileIwastraveling.

COACH:Howcanyoudealwiththesituationathome—andstillmaintainyourmomentumwiththenewbusiness?

Client:Icouldclonemyself.COACH:Icanseethisisarealdilemma.You’vegotvaluestohonorinmorethanoneimportantareaofyourlife.Let’slookatsomeoptions.Wouldthatbe

useful?Client:Yeah.Good.Frankly,Iwasstartingtofeeltrapped—liketherewasnowayout.

HerethecoachislisteningatLevelII—followingtheclient’slead,activelylisteningandchecking.

LevelIII—GlobalListeningWhenyoulistenatLevelIII,youlistenasthoughyouandtheclientwereatthecenteroftheuniverse,receivinginformationfromeverywhereatonce.It’sasthoughyouweresurroundedbyaforcefieldthatcontainsyou,theclient,andanenvironmentofinformation.LevelIIIincludeseverythingyoucanobservewithyoursenses:whatyousee,hear,smell,andfeel—thetactileaswellastheemotionalsensations.LevelIIIincludestheaction,theinaction,andtheinteraction.

IfLevelIIishardwired,thenLevelIIIislikearadiofield.Theradiowavesareentirelyinvisible,yetwetrusttheyexistbecausewehearmusiccomingfromtheradio.InLevelIIIlistening,wearehearingtheradiowaves.Theycrossourantennaeandbecomeinformationwecanuse.ButittakesaspecialreceivertopickupLevelIII,andmostpeopleneedpracticebecausetheydon’toftenmakeuseofLevelIIIawarenessthewayacoachdoes.Formanypeople,thisisanewrealmoflistening.

OneofthebenefitsoflearningtolistenatLevelIIIisgreateraccesstoyourintuition.Throughyourintuition,youreceiveinformationthatisnotdirectlyobservable,andyouusethatinformationjustasyou’dusewordscomingfromtheclient’smouth.AtLevelIII,intuitionissimplymoreinformation.Asa

coach,youtakeintheinformationandrespond.Thenyounoticetheimpact.Howdidyourresponseland?Whatdidyounoticeaboutthat?

LevelIIIawarenessissometimesdescribedasenvironmentallistening.Younoticethetemperature,theenergylevel,thelightnessordarkness,bothliterallyandfiguratively.Istheclient’senergysparkingorflat?Isshecool,lightlypresent,ortightlycontrolled?YouwillknowbylisteningatLevelIII.You’lllearntotrustyoursensesaboutthat,andyoucanalwaysjustask:“Igetthesensethatyou’reinanawkwardplace.Areyou?What’sthatabout?”PerformersdevelopastrongsenseofLevelIIIlistening.Stand-upcomedians,musicians,actors,trainingpresenters—allhavetheabilitytoinstantlyreadaroomandmonitorhowitchangesinresponsetowhattheydo.Thisisagreatexampleofnoticingone’simpact.AnyonewhoissuccessfulatinfluencingpeopleisskilledatlisteningatLevelIII.Thesepeoplehavetheabilitytoreadtheirimpactandadjusttheirbehavioraccordingly.

TolistenatLevelIII,youmustbeveryopenandsoftlyfocused,sensitivetosubtlestimuli,readytoreceiveinformationfromallthesenses—inyourownsphere,intheworldaroundyou,intheworldaroundyourclient.Theenvironmentitselfisgivingyouinformationyoucanuseinyourcoachingevenwhenyoucan’tinstantlyarticulatewhatitisyouaresensing.Sometimesthisenvironmentisshouting;sometimesitiswhispering.

LevelIIIDialogueClient:Thenewhouseisamess.I’vegotboxes

everywhere.Icanhardlygetfromthefrontdoortothebathroom—andI’vegotthebiggestproposalofmycareertofinishbyFriday.

COACH:Howimportantisittogetsettledathome?Thisisthemostproductivetimeyou’vehadinyourbusinesssinceyoustarted.

Client:Iknow,butifIdon’thelpoutwithmovingin,Icouldbelivingsolosoon,ifyouknowwhatImean.MywifedidnearlyallthepackinglastmonthwhileIwastraveling.

COACH:Itsoundslikethisisamoreimportantissuethanjustsomeboxestounpack.Igetthesensethatyou’repackedastightassomeofthoseboxes.

Client:Isitthatobvious?COACH:Youjustdon’tsoundliketheSteveI’musedtotalkingto.Yousoundtrapped.

Client:That’swhatitfeelslike—andwithnowayout.Cornered.Inmyrelationshipandinmywork.

COACH:Whatdoyouwanttodoaboutthat?Client:WhatI’vebeentryingtodoissteparoundit,oroverit,andthatdoesn’tseemtobeworking.Iguessit’stimetositdownandworkitout—unpackitall,sotospeak.

Inthiscase,thecoachistunedinatLevelIII:thenuancesofthespacebetweencoachandclient,beyondthewords,includingalltheenergyandemotionthatwerespokenandunspoken.Notethatinthedialoguesamples,wecraftedthe

conversationtoillustratethedistinctionsbetweenthethreelevels.Inrealcoachingconversations,ofcourse,coachesswitchconstantlybetweenLevelsIIandIII—andwhentheyslipintothatLevelIplace,theyrecoverasquicklyaspossible.

TheCoachIsListeningEverythingincoachinghingesonlistening—especiallylisteningwiththeclient’splanandpurposeinmind:Istheclientontrackwithhisvision?Isshelivinghervalues?Whereishetoday?Thecoachislisteningforsignsoflife,thechoicesclientsaremaking,andhowthosechoicesmovethemtowardbalanceorawayfromit.Thecoachislistening,too,forresistanceandturbulenceintheprocess.Listeningistheentrypointforallofthecoaching.Inonesense,alltheothercontextsdependonlisteningatLevelsIIandIII.Listening,then,isthegatewaythroughwhichallthecoachingpasses.

Ascoacheslisten,theymakechoicesthatchangethedirectionandfocusofcoaching.That’swhatwemeanbythe“impact”oflistening.Oneofthewaysthisimpactshowsupisinthespontaneouschoiceofwhichcoachingskilltousenext.

COACHINGSKILLSThefollowingcoachingskillsaregenerallyassociatedwiththecontextoflistening.Ofcourse,effectivelisteningisaprerequisitefortheuseofallthecoachingskills.Forthissection,weselectedtheskillsthatseemparticularlyappropriateresponsestoalisteningsituation.

ArticulatingThisskillisalsoknownbyalongername:“Articulatingwhat’s

goingon.”WithyourlisteningskillsatLevelIIandLevelIIIfullyengaged,youhaveaheightenedsenseofawareness.Youhaveapictureofwhatisgoingonwiththeclientatthismoment.Whenyoucombinethatsenseofwhatishappeningrightnowwithwhatyouknowaboutthisclient,youhaveatremendousamountofinformation.Articulationistheabilitytosuccinctlydescribewhatisgoingon.Clientsoftencan’tseeforthemselveswhattheyaredoingorsaying.Orperhapstheycanseethedetailsbutnotthebiggerpicture.Withthisskill,youshareyourobservationsasclearlyaspossible,butwithoutjudgment.Youtellclientswhatyouseethemdoing.Sometimes,articulationtakestheformofthehardtruth,anditcanconfront:“Iseeyou’recontinuingtoscheduleeveningandweekendtimeawayfromyourfamily.You’vesaidinthepastthatyourfamilyisahighpriority,andthisovertimeworkseemsinconsistentwiththatcommitment.What’sup?”Notsidesteppingthemessintheroadisonewayyouliveuptoyourcoachingcommitment.Articulating—asinpointingoutthemess—ispartofthecoach’sjob.Cleaningupthemessistheclient’sjob.

Articulatingisaskillthathelpsclientsconnectthedotssotheycanseethepicturetheyarecreatingbytheiractionor,sometimes,lackofaction.Asthecoach,youhavearesponsibilitytoarticulatewhatyouseebutatthesametime,aswithallofthecoachingskills,notfeelattachedtobeingrightaboutit.Thisabilitytoboldlysaywhatyouseewithoutneedingtoberight,allowingplentyofroomforcounteroffersanddifferentinterpretations,iskeytotheCo-Activenatureoftheskill.Aslongascoachescanletgoofthepressureortheneedtoberight,thereistremendousfreedomtospeakwhatappears

tobetrue—anditisagreatgifttoclientstohearthisexpressed.

SampleDialogueCoachee:…sothat’swhyIcameupwiththisalternativeplan.Ithinkit’sareasonablealternative.IthinkIcanmakethedeadlinesthey’veset.

COACH:CanItellyouwhatitsoundslikeoveronthissideoftheline?

Coachee:Sure.Youseeaholeintheresomewhere?COACH:Actually,no.I’msuretheplanissound.WhatIsee,though,isanoldpatternofaccommodatingotherpeople’sdemands,almostnomatterhowunreasonable,atpersonalcosttoyou.It’soneofthethingsyousaidyouwantedtochange.Thislookslikebackpedaling.

ClarifyingManyofushaveatendencytooperatefromvagueorincompletethoughtsandunresolvedfeelings.Wemayleaptoconclusionsordrawconclusionsbasedonsketchyinformation.Clientsmayrambleorgetcaughtupintheirownstories.Theymaybedriftinginafog,tryingtopaddletheirwayout.Theygetstuckinfuzzythinkingandoutdatedwaysoflookingattheirworld.Theymaybereadingoldmaps.Coachesserveasaresourcetohelpclientscreategreaterclarity.

Theskillofclarifyingisacombinationoflistening,asking,andreframing.Sometimesit’ssimplytestingdifferentperspectives:“Here’swhatI’mhearing…”“Isthatright?”“Itsoundslikeyou’relookingfor…”Clarifyingbringstheimageintosharpfocus,addsdetail,andholdsitupforinspection,so

theclientcansay,“Yes!That’sit!”It’sawaytomovepastthefogandgetbackoncourse.

SampleDialogueClient:…unlesshedecidestogotoNewYork.Inthatcase,I’llstayhere,atleastforawhile.

COACH:Itsoundsliketherearetwoseparatedecisionsforyoutomake,maybethree,andthey’remoredependentonwhathedoesthanonwhatyouwant.Helpmeouthere.

Client:ItsoundslikeI’mwaitingforhimtomakehismovebeforeImakemydecision.

COACH:Anditsoundslikeyouneedtodecide(a)whetheryouwantthatjobatall,(b)whetherit’sworthuprootingyourlifetohaveit,andthenmaybe(c)whethertherelationshipissustainable.Orsomethinglikethat.

Client:Sustainableunderwhatconditions,really.Okay.I’vegotsomeworktodohere.

Meta-ViewGetintheimaginaryhelicopterwiththeclient,takeituptoabout5,000feet,andlookdownontheclient’slife.Thisisthecoachingskillofmeta-view.Itisespeciallyusefulwhentheclientisinarutandcanonlyseesixinchesofdirtoneachside.Meta-viewpresentsthebigpictureandopensuproomforperspective.Thecoachmightask,“Whatdoyouseefromuphere?What’sthetruthyoucanseefromthisvantagepointthatyoucouldn’tseedownthere?”Themeta-viewreconnects

clientstotheirvisionofthemselvesandafulfillinglife.Whenthey’restrugglingatthefootofthemountain,lookingupatthedauntingworktobedone,meta-viewallowsthemtofloataboveitandgetafreshperspective.

Anotherwaytolookatthemeta-viewistoseeitasanelevatedplatform—ahighplacewherecoachescanstandtosurveytheclient’slifewithallitscircumstancesandissues.Thecoachcanseemorethantheclientcanfromthisvantagepoint.Infact,thatisthecoach’sjob:tomaintainclarityofperspectiveandholdthebigpicture.Thisplatformallowsthecoachtospeakfromoutsidethedetailsoftheimmediateconversation.Iftheclientisstrugglingwithacoworker,forexample,thecoachmightsay,“Thisstoryremindsmeoftheconversationyouhadwithyourex-bossandthesituationwithyoursister.Isthereapatternhere?”Anotherexamplemightbetheclientwhoappearstobemakingagreateffortbutnevergetsanywhere.Inthiscase,thecoachmightsay,“Thereseemstobealotofstruggle.Whatareyougettingoutofyoursuffering?”Inthislastexample,themeta-viewisfromahigherlevelthatcapturestheunderlyingtheme.Meta-viewpresentsapanoramicviewofthejourney.

Meta-viewisausefulwaytoprovidecontext,especiallywhenthesituationmakesiteasytobedrawnintothedetailsofaproblem.Forexample,acoacheecomestothecoachingsessionworriedaboutthereactionsheexpectsovertheupcomingfiringofateammember.Thecoachaskshertolookatthesituationfromthemeta-view—fromthepointofviewofbuildingaworkculture—ratherthanfocusingonhurtfeelingsorupsets.Whatarethecoststotheorganizationofnotfiringthatperson?Howwillthefiringaffectcommunicationandtrust

amongcoworkersinthelongrun?

MetaphorTheskillofmetaphorenablesyoutodrawonimageryandexperiencetohelptheclientcomprehendfasterandmoreeasily.Thequestion“Areyoudriftinginafog?”createsapicture,anexperience,thatengagestheclientataverydifferentlevelthan“Areyouconfused?,”whichaddressestheclient’sintellect.Clientscanstepintoapictureofdriftinginafog.Theyknowwhatitlookslikeandfeelslike.It’sawholeexperience.Metaphorprovidesrichimageryforexploration,andifthemetaphordoesn’tlandinawaythatburstsintoinsight,coachescanalwaystrysomethingelse.

AcknowledgingThecoachingskillofacknowledgmentstrengthenstheclient’sfoundation.Theclientcanstandstraighterafteratrueacknowledgment.Thisskilladdresseswhotheclientis.Praiseandcompliments,incontrast,highlightwhatpeopledo:“Goodjobonthatreport,Janet.”Ortheyhighlighttheopinionofthepersongivingthepraiseortheimpactonthepersongivingthecompliment:“Yourpresentationwasthoughtfulandinspiringtome.”Acknowledgmentrecognizestheinnercharacterofthepersontowhomitisaddressed.Morethanwhatthatpersondid,orwhatitmeanstothesender,acknowledgmenthighlightswhothesendersees:“Janet,youreallyshowedyourcommitmenttolearning.”“Youtookabigrisk.”“Icanseeyourloveofbeautyinit.”Acknowledgmentoftenhighlightsavaluethatclientshonoredintakingtheaction.Theclientvaluesfun:“Youmadeitreallyfunforyourself.Congratulations.Iknowyouhadto

takearisktodothat.”Ortheclientvalueshonesty:“Greatjob.Youtookastandforhonestyandauthenticity.Itwasn’teasy.”

Acknowledgmentisalmostacontextofcoaching.Atsomelevel,coachesarealwayssupportingwhoclientsmustbeinordertomakethechangestheywant.Theclienthadtobecourageousorhadtobeapersonwillingtostanduptothefearorhadtobetenaciousforthesakeofarelationship.

Theskillofacknowledgmenthelpsthecoachcelebratetheclient’sinternalstrengths.Acknowledgmenthelpsclientsseewhattheysometimesdismissinthemselvesoutofadistortedsenseofhumilityorsimplydon’tseeatall.Byacknowledgingthatstrength,you,asthecoach,giveclientsmoreaccesstoit.Clientswillknowwhentheacknowledgmentishonestandtrue.Theywillbemoreresourcefulinthefuturebecausetheyrecognizethetruthyouilluminated.

Acknowledgmentmighttakethisform:“Lookatwhatyouwereabletotellyourboss.Thinkabouthowfaryou’vecomeinthepastfourmonths.Yourabilitytobeclearandaskforwhatyouwantissomuchstrongertoday.You’vereallyshownyoucanstanduptothefearandspeakyourowntruth.”Acknowledgmentgoesrighttotheheartofwheretheclientisgrowingandgettingstronger(and,often,feelingtheneedforvalidation).Whenyouacknowledgethis,youempowerclientstokeepgrowing.

ThereareactuallytwopartstoeveryacknowledgmentinCo-Activecoaching.Thefirstpartwe’vealreadycovered:deliveringtheacknowledgment.Thesecondpartisnoticingtheimpactontheclient.Thisisawayforthecoachtomakesurethattheacknowledgmentwastrulyontarget.Noticetheclient’sreaction.BylisteningatLevelIII,youwillknowifyoufound

therightdescriptionofwhotheclienthadtobeinthatsituation.Theacknowledgmentwilldefinitelylandinawayyoucanhear,sense,andsee.Itisenormouslymoving—andrare—forclientstobeseenandknowninthisway.That’sthepowerofacknowledgment.

SampleDialogueCoachee:MaybeIshouldhavekeptmymouthshut.Itjustgetsmeintotrouble.

COACH:Whatyoudidwastakeastandfortreatingpeopleright,allpeople,allthetime.Andyouspokeupeventhoughyouknewitwouldcomeatacost.That’swhoyouare.

Coachee:Thanks.ImaynevergetthePopularityAwardonthatteam,butatleastI’llbeabletosleepatnightwithaclearconscience.

Exercises

1.ListeningatLevelsIandII

ThegoalofthisexerciseistolistencompletelyatLevelI—thatis,focusedentirelyonyourownthoughtsandopinions.Todothisexercise,askafriendorcolleaguetotakeahalfhourorsotoplaytheLevelIandLevelIIlisteninggameswithyou.

LEVELI

DescribeLevelIlisteningtoyourpartnerandaskthatpersontodescribeatripheorshetook,includingstoriesaboutthingsthatwentwellandthingsthatdidn’tgosowell.Asyourpartnertellsthestoryofthetrip,yourjobistolistentothewordsandinterpretthestoryentirelyintermsofyourownexperience.Makefrequentcommentsinwhichyouofferyouropinion.Thinkabouthowyouwouldhavedonethetripdifferentlyorhowyoumightimproveonyourpartner’sstory.What’sgoingoninyouwhilethisotherpersonistalking?Whatdoesthisstoryremindyouofinyourownlife?

Afterfifteenminutesorso(ifyoulastthatlong),telleachotherwhatitwasliketolistenatLevelIandwhatitwasliketobelistenedtoatLevelI.LEVELII

Workwiththesamepartner—andthesamestory—foraboutfifteenminutes.Butthistime,withoutdescribingLevelII,becurious.Askquestions,clarify,andarticulatewhatyousee.Bealertforyourpartner’svaluesastheyareexpressedinthestory.StaycompletelyfocusedonyourpartnerbylisteningandrespondingatLevelII.

TelleachotherwhatitwasliketolistenatLevelIIandwhatitwasliketobelistenedtoat

LevelII.HowwastheexperiencedifferentfromtheLevelIlistening?

2.ListeningatLevelIII

TakeafieldtriportwotovenueswheretheLevelIIIactivityislikelytobenoticeable,suchasalibrary,ahotellobby,thewaitingareainanemergencyroom,oranairportbar.PayattentiontoyourawarenessatLevelIII.Noticehowpeoplearefeeling:angry,frustrated,joyful,bored,atpeace,anxious?Whatelsedoyounoticeabouttheenvironment?Whatisthebuzzintheroom?Noticewheretheenergyisintheroomandhowitshiftsaspeoplearriveordepart.Writedownyourimpressions.ThentrylisteningatLevelIIIwithyoureyesclosed.Howisitdifferent?Whatdoyounotethatyoudidn’tnoticewithyoureyesopen?Compareachurchsanctuarytoafast-foodrestaurant.WhatarethedifferencesasyoulistenatLevelIII?

Variation:Haveafriendentertheroomclearlyannoyedandangry.NoticehowtheroomreactsatLevelIII.Orhavetwofriendsentertheroomandstartaloud,rudeconversation.NoticehowtheLevelIIIenergychanges.

3.Meta-View

Ameta-viewisthebigpicture.Itisparttheme,partpositioningstatement,andpartvision.Herearesomeexamplesofmetaviews:

Launchinganewlife

Beingintransition

Strugglingwithchange

Driftingatsea

High-speedactionmachine

Peacefulunfolding

Whatisthemeta-viewforyourownlifetoday?Writedownthenamesoftenclosefriendsorrelatives.Whatisthemeta-viewforeachofthematthistime?

4.Metaphor

Createametaphorforeachofthefollowingclientsituations:

Stuckbetweentwoappealingchoices

Abouttoenteranexcitingnewperiodwithalotofunknowns

Afteralongperiodofinaction,everythinghappeningatonce

Chaoticworkenvironment

Twonewromanticrelationships

Moneylossesbecauseofmismanagement

Goingfromtoolittleexercisetooverdoingit

Makinggreatprogressbuildingthebusinessuntiltheinterruption

Success

Sadness

Seriesofwindfalls

Exhaustion

Denial

5.Acknowledging

Listfivefriendsorcoworkers.Writeanacknowledgmentofwhotheyareorwhotheyhavebeeninordertogettowheretheyaretoday.Writeanacknowledgmentforyourself.

CHAPTER4Intuition

Maybeyou’vehadanexperiencelikethis:You’redrivinginthecountryonbackroadsthataren’tmarkedverywell.Youcometoanintersectionoftworoadsandinstinctivelyturntotheright,trustingyoursenseofdirection.Orthismayhavehappened:You’rehavingdinnerwithafriend.Everythingseemsnormal.Theconversationhasitsusualflow.Andthensuddenlyyouask,“What’swrong?Istheresomethingyouneedtotellme?”Toyou,somethingjustseemedoutoftune.Itmayhavebeenagutfeeling.Maybeyou’vemadeanunexpectedphonecalltosomeoneorspontaneouslymailedacardtoafriend.Youweren’tsurequitewhyyoudiditthen—andlateryoufoundoutthatthetimingwasimportantforsomereason.Somepeoplehavegreathunchesaboutinvestments.Othersgetafeelingabouttheanswertoaquestionevenwhenitdoesn’tseemtomakemuchsense.They’drathertrusttheirinstinctsaboutsomethingsbecausethefeelingissomuchstrongerthanthedata.

Theseareallexamplesofintuitionatwork,ofgatheringnonempiricalinformation—usuallyinresponsetoaquestion,spokenorunspoken.Whichwaytoturn?What’sgoingonwithher?Whichinvestmenttochoose?Whichjobisbettersuitedtome?Whydidthecoacheejustwithdrawinourconversation?Intuitioncomesupwitharesponse.

Speakingfromyourintuitionisextraordinarilyvaluableincoaching.Itisrightuptherewiththeabilitytolistendeeply

anddeftly.Yet,eventhoughwecandefineitinwords,theexperienceofintuitionissometimeshardtoexplain—whichalsomakesitdifficultforsomepeopletoaccept.Formanypeople,thetroublewithintuitionstartswiththedifficultyofverifyingthatit’s“real.”Sometimesthere’snoobservableevidencefortheconclusion.Insomecases,theconclusionspeoplederivefromtheirintuitionareactuallycontrarytoobservableevidence.Peoplewhooperatefromtheirintuitionwillsaythingslike,“Iknowbecausemyintuitionisusuallyrightaboutthesethings.”

Thosewhohavetroublebelievinginintuitionfrequentlytreatitasguessingorbeinglucky.Theyjustdon’tunderstand,trust,orbelieveinintuition.Factsthatcanbemeasured,recorded,verified—that’swhatpeoplefrequentlysaytheywantwhenthey’remakingdecisions.It’scertainlythescientificresearchmodelandthemethodadvocatedbyamajorityofpeople.Peoplearesometimesshyaboutadmittingtheyhaveusedtheirintuition.Eventhosewithintuitioninabundanceareoftenreluctanttouseit,oradmittheyhaveusedit,andsothisabilityatrophiesinallofus.That’stoobad,becauseit’sapowerfulassetincoaching.

TheKnownversustheUnknownUniverseMostofushavecometobelievethattheknownuniverseiswithinhand’sreach.Itiswithinourfieldofvision,ourrangeofhearing,accessibletoourfivesenses.Athingisknownwhenotherscorroborateitandcomeupwiththesamedata.Intuition,however,isnotdirectlyobservable—althoughsometimesitseffectsare.Likethewindinthetrees,itmaynotbevisible,but

wecanseeandhearitseffects.That’swhyitissometimescalledthe“sixthsense.”Itisasensitivitythatgoesbeyondthephysicalworld.

Supposesomeonesays,“It’sgoingtoraintoday.”Youask,“Howdoyouknow?”Theanswersmightbe:

IheardtheNationalWeatherServicereportontheradio.Therewasaredskythismorning.Thebarometeronthewallhasbeendroppingfastall

morning.Thewindisfromtheeastandcloudsarebuildinginthe

west.Ifeelitinmybones.Ijustknow.Ofcourse,somepeoplereallydofeelapproachingrainin

theirbones.Thepointisthattherearemanywaysofknowing.Oneofthosewaysisscientificallyverifiableevidence,butthereisalso“justknowing.”Whenyoulookatthislistofpossibleanswers,youmightwanttoask,Whichsourceisright?Adifferentquestionwouldbe,WhichonedoItrust?Manypeoplewouldsaythere’sadirectrelationshipbetweenwhattheycanobserveandtheirconfidenceinknowing.Forthesepeople,theirtrustisintheconcreteexperience.Theywouldalsosaythatintuitioniswaydownonthetrustscale—maybeeven0percentforreliability.

Butinsteadofinsistingthatthereisonlyoneformofknowing,let’ssupposetherearetwo.Conventional,observableknowingisoneform;intuitionisthesecond.Togetherthesetwodimensionsgivedepthandperspectivetoanyissue.

ButIsItRight?Partofthedifficultyofdescribingintuitionasawayofknowingstartswiththedefinitionof“knowing.”Onewayoflookingatintuitionsaysthatitisneitherrightnorwrong—it’smorelikeanudgewereceive.Forexample,answerthesequestions:Whatdayoftheweekistomorrow?Whatistomorrow’sdate?Whatseasonwillitbetomorrow?Whatwilltheweatherbelikeduringthisparticularseasoninthisparticularyear?What’syourthemeduringthisseasonofyourlifeinthisparticularyear?Noticethattheanswertoeachquestionisfoundinadifferentplace.Oneoftheplacesisyourmemory,anotherplaceisyourlogicalmind,anotherplaceisyourhistory.Andperhapsanotherplaceisyourintuition.Whatifintuitionwereaplace—notaplaceweareusedtovisiting,perhaps,butsimplyaplacethatwegoto,likememory,thatprovidesuswithananswer.Wetakethenudgeandgiveitexpression.

Inordertoexpressourintuitioninwords,wemakeaninterpretation.It’sourinterpretationoftheintuitivenudgethatcanbeofftarget.Theintuitiveimpulseitselfwasneitherrightnorwrong.Imaginethisscenario:Yourcoacheeisinthemidstofareportabouttheactionshetooklastweek.It’sagreatreport,withonesuccessafteranother.She’sfollowedthroughoneverythingjustasshesaidshewould.Butyourintuitiontellsyoushe’sholdingsomethingback.Sodespitetheoverwhelmingevidenceofaccomplishment,yousay,“Myintuitiontellsmethere’ssomethingyou’renotsayingaboutlastweek.Isthattrue?”Yourintuitiongaveyouanudge.Yourinterpretationisthattheclientisholdingback,sothat’swhat

yousay.Itdoesn’tmatterwhetheryouarerightorwrongaboutyourinterpretation.Iftheclientisholdingback—great,youopenedadoortotalkaboutthat.Iftheclientsayssheisn’tholdinganythingback—great,youreinforcethesuccessstory.Thethingaboutintuitionandcoachingisthatintuitionalwaysforwardstheactionanddeepensthelearning,evenwhenitlandswithaclanginsteadofamelodiousping.

Intuitionoftenshowsupinunexpectedwaysinthecoachingconversation.Sometimesit’sahunch.Oritmightappearasavisualimageoranunexplainedshiftinemotionorenergy.Theimportantthingtorememberincoachingistobeopentointuition—trustingit,awareofit,andcompletelyunattachedtotheinterpretation.Intheend,intuitionisvaluablewhenitmovestheclienttoactionordeeperlearning.Itisirrelevant,really,whetheryourintuitionwas“correct.”

SampleDialoguesExampleA:SomethingOverlookedClient:It’slikeI’verunoutofoptions,andI’mwornout.Doingthesamethingsoverandover,talkingtothesamepeople,showingthesameoldrésumé.Evenwhenthefacesandnameschange,it’sallarepeatperformance.

COACH:Myintuitiontellsmethere’ssomethingelse—somethingthat’sbeenoverlooked.Likeit’srightthereinfrontofyoubutyoudon’tseeit.Whatcouldthatbe?

Client:Idon’tknow.IfeellikeI’vebeengoingdownthisroadforsolongthatI’minarut.

COACH:Theroad’sagoodimage;let’sworkwiththat.

Imaginethere’safencerunningalongthisroad,andthere’sagateinthefence.What’sthegate?

Client:It’stheroadnottaken.COACH:Andwheredoesthatroadlead?Ifyouweregoingtomakesomethingup,whatwouldthatbe?

Client:Actually,itremindsmeofmygrandparents’homeinConnecticut.Mygrandfatheristheonlypersoninourfamilywhoworkedforhimself.Ithoughthewasaboutthesmartestmanalivetobeabletodothat.Ireallyadmiredhisindependence.

COACH:Whatdoesthegatemeantoyouinyourownlife?Client:Thatgate’salwaysbeenthere—andI’vealwayswalkedpast,becauseIthoughtIwantedsecurity.Thiscouldbethetimeformetotakeaseriouslookatwhatitwouldbeliketocreatemyownsenseofsecurity,workingformyself.

ExampleB:DrawingonCoacheeInterestCoachee/Employee:…bytheendofthethirdquarter.WhichmeansIwillneedtojustaboutdoublemyoutput—comparinglastyeartothisyear.Ireallywanttohitthemark,Ireallydo,butIjustdon’tseehowit’spossible.

(Internal)COACH:Howwouldthemarathonrunnerdoit?Coachee/Employee:Wheredidthatcomefrom?(Internal)COACH:Intuition,Iguess.Youoncetoldmeyouwereamarathonrunner.Isn’tthatright?

Coachee/Employee:NotsinceItookthisjob,withthese

hours,butyeah,inthepast.(Internal)COACH:So,lookingatthetaskaheadasifitwerealong-distancerace,whatdoyouknowyouneedtodo?

Coachee/Employee:That’seasy.Drawupaschedulethatbuildssteadilyovertime—likealong-distancetrainingplan.

IntuitiveIntelligenceAnotherwaytothinkofintuitionistoregarditasakindofintelligence,likemusicalintelligenceorvisualintelligence.Allofuswhoarenotblindorcolor-blindcanidentifycolors.Westartinpreschool,andmanyofusaddtoourcolorvocabularyovertheyears,becomingmoreadeptatrecognizingcolors.Artistslearntoidentifyandnamemanyshadesofcolors.Intheirminds,theycanpicturethesubtledifferencesbetweenhundredsofshades.Intuitionislikethat.Itisanintelligenceeveryonehasbeengiveninsomemeasure,andwecandevelopitjustasartistsandmusiciansdeveloptheirtalents.

Oneoftheinterestingthingsaboutintuitionisitselusivequality.Lookingtoointentlyforitmakesitmoredifficulttofind.Ifyouareworkingtoohardtofindyourintuition,yourattentionisonyouandyourefforts.Byshiftingyourattentiontothequestionortheotherpersonandopeningthechannel,youcanmoreeasilyfindtheanswer.Thekeyseemstobetotakeasoftfocus,beopen.Yourintuitionisthere,givingyoumessagesorclues,justbelowthesurface.Thisistheparadoxofintuition:anopenhandwillholdit;itwillslipthroughafist.

ObservationandInterpretationWehavesaidthatintuitionstartswithanudge,afeeling.Itcouldalsobeanobservation,althoughitmightnotbeclearthatyouhaveobservedsomethingspecific.Callingitsimplyan“observation”makesitneutral.Youcansay“Ihaveafeeling,”or“Ihaveanobservation,”or“Ihaveanintuition,”andnoonecandisputeit.Itisyourfeeling,observation,orintuition.Whathappensnextisoftenaninterpretationofthefeeling,intuition,orobservation.Weneedtoputsomewordsaroundthisverysubjectivenudge.Itisnaturaltogivetheintuitionameaning,anditisthisinterpretationoftheintuitionthatcanbeoffbase.

Forexample,inlisteningtoyourcoachee,yousensesomethingthatisunsaid.It’sasifyoucanhearanotethatisoutoftune.Youmightsay:“Somethingdoesn’tsoundquiterighthere.HelpmeoutifI’mgettingthiswrong,butitfeelslikeyou’reholdingsomethingback,somethingimportant.What’syoursenseofthis?”

Inthisexample,youarecommunicatinganobservation:thefeelingthatsomethingdoesn’tsoundquiteright.Andyouarealsocommunicatinganinterpretation:somethingisbeingheldback.Ifyoujumprighttoyourinterpretation,itwilltoooftencomeoutasaconclusion,anaccusation,orajudgment.Thecoachee’sjobistotaketheinformationyouprovidefromyourintuitionandapplyittohisorhersituation.Whatfits?Whatdoesn’tfit?Intheend,itisthecoacheewhocomesupwiththeconclusion.

Thelessonhereisthatifyou’regoingtouseyourintuitioneffectively,youcan’tbeattachedtoyourinterpretation.Infact,thisdesiretoberightabouttheirinterpretationsisoftenthe

reasonpeopleholdbacktheirintuition.They’reafraidofbeingwrongorappearingfoolish.

Thebestapproachistobeprepared.Whenyouexpressyourintuition,clientsmaydisagree.Evenso,theywilllearnasmuchasifyourintuitionweresomehow“correct.”Whatwascorrectwastheintuitiontosaysomething.Whatwascorrectwaswhatevertheclientlearned.What’smore,clientscountonyourintuition.Whenyouholdback,youwithholdacrucialsourceofinformationandsensing.Thekeylesson:donotbeattachedtoyourintuition,nomatterhowcertainyoufeel.Beingattachedtobeingrightissomethingyoudoforyoursake.Coachingisforthesakeoftheclient.

FindingYourOwnAccessPointWedevelopouraccesstointuitioninthesamewaywedeveloptalentsormuscles.Intuitivefitnessisjustaspossibleasphysicalfitness.Fortunately,coachingisanintuitionfitnesscenter.Inpracticalterms,howdowefindaccesstoourintuition,especiallyifwe’renotaccustomedtolookingforit?Itcanbesomewhatelusive.Comparedtothetricepsmuscle,whichisinprettymuchthesameplaceforallofus,intuitionisfoundinadifferentplaceforeachofus.

Manypeoplefindtheirintuitioninthebody—intheirchestorstomach.It’snowonderpeopletalkofintuitionasa“gutresponse”orafeeling“inmygut.”Somefeelaburningontheforeheadoratinglinginthefingers.Forothers,intuitionisnotfeltinthebodyatall.Itmaybeaboveyou,oritmightbeabubblethatsurroundsyou.Takesometimetofindoutwhereyousenseyourintuition.Stop,payattention,andlistentoyour

bodyoryourexperienceatthatpointinordertodeterminewherethecommunicationiscomingfrom.

Youmay“see”yourintuitioninavisualwayorfeelitkinesthetically.Somepeoplefindthatthey’rebetterabletoaccesstheirintuitionbystandingup.Forothers,theconnectionisdefinitelyverbal.Whateveryouraccesspoint,eventuallyyou’llneedtoverbalizethenudgefromyourintuition.Youmakesenseoutofthesensationbygivingwordstoit.Let’sbeabsolutelyclearaboutthis:yourresponsibilityasacoachistospeakwhatyourintuitiongivesyou.Clientsgettodecidewhatisusefulaboutyourintuitivenudge.

TheIntuitiveOn/OffSwitchSpeakingboldlyfromyourintuitionmaybesomewhatnewforyou.Untilyourintuitionbecomesafamiliarandeasytooltouse,youmaywantawaytoberemindedofitwhileyoucoach.Youmightpostanoteoveryourphoneorwearyourwristwatchontheoppositewrist.Youcouldtrystandingupifyouusuallysitdown.Bottomline:intuitionisapowerfulassetinyourcoaching,wellworththepractice.Andthegoodnewsisthatyourintuitionisalwaysontap.Youdon’thavetogenerateitanymorethanyouhavetogeneratetheelectricitytorunthelightsinyourhome.Yousimplyhavetoremembertoturniton.

BlurtingItOutEvenafterthenudgeofintuition,thereisoftenanaturaltendencytoholdback,toanalyzeit,tocheckandseeifitisrightorifthisistherighttimetosaysomething.Unfortunately,bythetimeyou’veperformedasetofvalidationtestsonyourintuition,theclienthasmovedontoanentirelydifferentphase

oftheconversation.Yourmomentislost.Intuitionislikeasmallflashoflightthatisalreadybeginningtofadeassoonasitappears.Themostpowerfulmomentisthefirst.Holdingbackoutoffearandtimidity,hesitating,willallowittopassby.That’sashame,becauseblurtingoutyourintuitioncanoftencreateadramaticshortcutinthecoachingconversation,boringthroughmanylayers.

Ascoaches,wesometimesthinkweneedtotrackthelogicalunfoldingofaconversation,hookingtogetherquestionandresponseandquestionandresponseinaneatsequence.Thisisanexcellentwaytobuildnewlearninganddiscoverywithclients,butitisnottheonlyway.Beingwillingtoriskajumpwithyourintuition,takingthechanceyou’llendupwitheitherabeautifuldiveorahorrendousbellyflop,givesyouanotherwaytogodirectlytosomethingyoucanfeelintheconversationthatyoumaynotbeabletofullyarticulateorlogicallydiagraminthemoment.Thiswillingnesstofailatit,bowingoodhumor,andpressongivesyoulicensetouseyourintuitionwithmorefreedom.

GettingtheIntuitiveHitSometimesintuitioncomesintheformofwords,butitcouldjustaseasilybeinshapesorsounds,asafeelingorabodysensation.Yourintuitionmightcommunicatetoyouthroughasenseofheaviness,anache,amood.Sometimestheintuitivehintarisesfromtheconversationitself.Sometimesitisoutthereintheenvironment.Asceneoutsidetheofficewindowmightinspireanintuitiveremark.Thescenecreatesanimage…whichyourintuitionsignalstoyou…andyousharewithyourclient…andthenyouseewhereitgoesfromthere.For

example,yourcoacheeisdescribingherconcernsabouttheimpactofanupcomingreorganizationinherareaofresponsibility.Shewantstosortouttheimportantissues,andshe’swonderingwhattherightcourseofactionis.Youlookoutthewindowandnoticeitisacrispfallday,oneofthefirst.It’sastrongimpression,andyoumentionit:“I’mnoticingit’sabeautifulfallday.Theleavesarechangingcolor;theairiscoolertoday.Whatdoesthatbringupforyou?”Itmightsuggestasenseofthechangingseasonsinherlifeandgiveherthemeansforsortingoutthechangesbeforeher.Oritcouldremindherofchoresthatneedtobedonetogetreadyforwinter—actionstepsinpreparationforbigchanges.Thesourceoftheintuitionisirrelevant.Whatisrelevantiswhathappenstotheclient.

PhrasingItThisisacribsheetforexpressingintuition.Youcanuseanyofthefollowingphrasestoopenyourintuitiveexpression,and,ofcourse,thisisnotadefinitivelist.Infact,it’sgoodpracticetosimplybeginwithoneofthesephrases,havingnoideaofwhatwillcomeoutofyourmouth,trustingthatyourintuitionwillfillintheblanksasyougoalong:Ihaveasense…MayItellyouaboutagutfeelingIhave?Ihaveahunchthat…CanIchecksomethingoutwithyou?Iwonderif…Seehowthisfitsforyou.Andperhapsthebestoneofallisalsothesimplestandmost

direct:

Myintuitiontellsme…

Intuitionisnotmagic,althoughsometimesitmightfeellikethat,especiallywhenwe’redelightedwiththeresults.Intuitionislikelistening.Itisapowerfultalentthatcanbeusedtohelpclientsmoveintoactionordeepentheirlearning.

CoachingSkillsThefollowingcoachingskillsareassociatedwithintuition,althoughtheyarenotexclusivetothatcontext.Wechosetheseskillsforthissectionbecausetheynaturallycomefromaplaceofintuitionorhelpgiveintuitionanopeningforexpression.Welistedmetaphorunderthelisteningcontext,butitcouldjustaseasilybeincludedhere,sincemetaphorisoftendrawnfromintuition.

IntrudingBecausemostcoachingsessionsarebrief,itmaybenecessarytointrudeontheclient’sreportorstorytellinginordertogettotheheartofthematter.Ascoach,youuseyourLevelIIIawarenesstodecidewhenit’stimetodothat.Ratherthanwaitforasociallypolitebreakintheconversation,youinterruptandredirecttheconversationoraskaquestion.Oftenyourintuitionurgesyoutointrude.

Notethatitisn’tnecessarytoberude,althoughyourinterruptionmaybeperceivedbysomeasrude,especiallyinpartsoftheworldwheresuchbehaviorisconsideredafauxpas.Remember,too,thatclientsusuallyknowwhenthey’redroning

onandon.Ifyoudon’tredirectthistypeoframbling,clientsbegintothinkofthecoachingsessionasaplacetotellstories,andbeforelongthey’redissatisfiedandreadytoabandonthecoachingrelationship.Clientsdonotwanttouseupalltheirtimeinacoachingsessionwith“andthenI…”or“andshesaid…”Someclientswillalsokeeptalkinguntilyousaysomething.Intheirdesiretobegoodclientsortobethorough,theykeeppressingon,hopingyouwillstepinandsavethemorgettheconversationbackontrack.

Ingeneral,it’sbestifyouprepareyourclientsforthesetypesofintrusionsatthebeginningofyourcoachingrelationship.Explainthatyou’llsometimesinterrupttheconversationinawaythatmaysurprisethem.Letthemknowthatacoachingconversationisdifferentfromchitchattingwithafriendovercoffee.Youmayneedtointerrupt,andyouaskthattheynottakeitpersonally.Askthemtoletyouknowiftheyfeeloffendedsothatthetwoofyoucantalkaboutitagainifnecessary.Thisshouldbeallthepermissionyouneed,asacoach,tointrudewheneveritseemsappropriate.

Maybeyoustillfeelreluctanttointrude,thinkingthatit’snotyourstyle.Here’stherealpoint:You’renotintrudingonthem;you’reintrudingonthestorythatgetsintheway,thatobscuresandfogsthepicture.Wouldyoureallyratherbeperceivedaspolite,ornice,thanintrudetohelpyourclientsgettotheheartofthematter?Rememberthatcoachingisabouttheclient,notthecoach.Coachingisthereforenotforthefaintofheart.

Yourjobascoachistoworkwithwhatevercomesupandtoleaveyouragendaandegooutoftheconversation.However,therearetimeswhenyouwillneedtotakecharge.Your

experienceandtrainingincoachinggiveyoutheauthorityyouneedtoservetheclient.Holdingback,beingniceatthispoint,doesnotservetheclient’sbestinterests.Therewillbetimeswhenyou’llhavetojumpintoclarify,makeastrongrequest,poseapowerfulchallenge,ortellthehardtruth.Becausethereisnohard-and-fastrule,thisisagoodplacefortrustingyourintuitiononwhentointrude.

Coachesalsosometimesfailtointrudebecausetheybelievetheyneedmoreinformation,morebackgroundorcontext,beforetheycanbegininterveningwithacoachingquestion.It’struethatitissometimesimportanttohearthestoryforitscontext.Itmayalsobenecessarysothatclientsfeelheard,listenedto;inthiscase,itisimportantforthesakeoftherelationship.Butweassumeyouarealreadyskilledatlisteningwelltothestory.Whatmanycoachesneedismorepracticeintruding.Theskillofintrudinghelpscutoffunnecessaryreporting—whichcanbeasmokescreenputupbytheclienttoavoidgettingtothemorechallengingissues.Intrudingacceleratestheprocessofgettingtothecore:theactionandthelearning.

SampleDialoguesThefollowingdialoguesarebetweenamanagerandthemanager’sdirectreport.ExampleA:PoorUseoftheSkillCoachee:It’sMaryagain.Sheissounbelievablycontrary.IfIsayIthinkweshouldgoeast,shesaysno,weshouldheadwest.IfIsaytheonlywaytomeetthedeadlineistohireoutsidehelp,shesaysno,it’suptous,itjustmeans

weneedbetterteamwork.Teamwork!Whatcouldbemorehypocritical?OverandoverI’veaskedhertobeamoreinvolvedmemberoftheteam.Andit’salways,“Idon’thavethetime”or“Thisisyourteamtorun.”Youknow,justexcuseafterexcuse.She’stheonewho’sconstantlyunderminingtheteam.

COACH:It’sgottobefrustratingtryingtoworkwithsomeonelikethat.

Coachee:Well,yeah.DidItellyouherlatest?COACH:Moreofthesame,I’msure.Coachee:Ofcourse.Itdoesn’tend…blah,blah,blah,blah,blah,blah,blah,blah.

ExampleB:GoodUseoftheSkillCoachee:It’sMaryagain.Sheissounbelievablycontrary.IfIsayIthinkweshouldgoeast,shesaysno,weshouldheadwest.IfIsaytheonlywaytomeetthedeadlineistohireoutsidehelp,shesaysno,it’suptous…

COACH:Soundslikeanendlessbattleofwills.Coachee:I’llsay.COACH:Whatwillchangethegame?Coachee:Excuseme?I’mnotsurewhatyoumean.COACH:Whatwillittaketobreakthecycle?Whatarethestrengthsyoubringtothissituation?

Coachee:Well,that’sinteresting…Compassioncomestomind.It’sahugevalueofmine.

COACH:Howwillbeingcompassionatehelpbreakupthis

battle?

BlurtingWe’vetouchedontheimportanceofblurting.Oddasitmaysound,blurtingisactuallyaskillworthdeveloping.Mostofusspendsomuchtimetryingtoanalyzeandfigurethingsoutthatwemisstheopportunitytojumpintoaction.

Incoaching,itactuallyservestheclienttogorightintothemessinesswithoutsortingitoutfirst.It’sbettertodiveinandbewillingtolookalittleclumsy.Thisoftenbuildsmoretrustthanifyouarealwaysthepolished,professionalauthority,alwaysincontrol.Beingclumsyormessy,andthereforemorehuman,isalsomoreauthentic.Andifyoudon’thavetolookgood,yourclientsdon’thavetolookgoodeither.Forexample,ascoach,youmightsay,“I’mnotsurewhattherightwordsarehere,butit’ssomethinglike…”or“Letmejusttalkoutloudforaminute.I’mnotsureexactlywhatIwanttosayhere.”

ClientsandTheirIntuitionIt’sworthnotingthatwatchingthecoachworkwithintuitionallowsclientstoexperimentandtakeriskswiththeirownintuition.Infact,learningthecoachingprinciples,contexts,andskillscanbeagreatbenefittoclients.ClientswhobecomeproficientatlisteningatLevelsIIandIII,forexample,haveachancetobemuchmoreeffectiveintheirrelationshipsatworkandathome.Learningtoclarifyortokeepthemeta-viewintheirpersonalliveswillbeatremendousadvantage,too.

Inteachingclientstoworkwithintuition,beginbyaskingthemtosimplyspendsometimenoticingtheirintuitionand

playingwithit.Forclientswhoarenotaccustomedtoaccessingtheirintuition,youmightaskthemtojustexperiment,playwithintuition,andurgethemtofreethemselvesfromanyattachmenttodoingit“right.”Preparethemfortheappearanceoftheirinternalskeptic—inadditiontotheexternalskepticstheyarelikelytoencounter.

Exercises

1.Intuition

Intuitionisthesixthsensethathelpsusrespondtoaquestion.Sometimesthequestionisexplicitandposed;sometimesit’spartofthebackgroundoftheconversation.Incoaching,thereisalwaysaquestionintheairabouttheclient’slife.

Topracticeyourintuition,meetwithafriendoracolleagueinaquietplacewherethetwoofyoucanbeundisturbedforawhile.Havethepersonwritedownaseriesofopen-endedquestionsabouthisorherlife.Asktheotherpersontochooseonequestionfromthelistandrepeatthequestionoutloud,readingitmorethanonce,withabriefspaceofquietbetweeneachrepetitionofthequestion.Thetwoofyouwillthenconcentrateonthequestionforthreetofiveminutes,withnoconversation.Yourgoalistoincreaseyourconcentrationonthequestion

andopenyourselftowhateveryourintuitionoffers.Attheendofthetimeperiod,tellthepersoneverythingthatoccurred:therandomthoughts,thefeelings,anythingyounoticedintermsofvisualimages,sounds,smells,andtouch,alongwithwhateverelseyoumayhavenoticedoranythingthatdistractedyou.Someofwhatyoureportfromyourintuitionissuretoconnectfortheotherperson.Assoonasthatintuitivehithappens,askwhattheconnectionisandexplorethatareaforgreaterawareness.

Youcandoubletheintrigueinthisexercisebyhavingthepersonwritethequestionsonslipsofpaperandthenfoldtheslipssothequestionscan’tberead.Pickapieceofpaperfromthepile,keepingthequestionhidden.Thenyoubothspendthreetofiveminutesconcentratingonthequestionyoupickedeventhoughyouhaven’treadit.Again,reportwhatevercomesupfromyourintuition.Thenreadthequestionandaskthepersonforcomments.Whereweretheconnections?Wheredoesthislead?

2.Intruding

Sitdownwithafriendandletthatpersonknowthatinordertopracticetheskillofintruding,youaregoingtointerruptasheorshetalks.Haveyourfriendtellastoryfromasignificantperiodofhisorherlife.Itcouldbealearningexperiencefromschool.Itcouldbeastoryabout

meetinghisorherbestfriend.Askyourfriendtopickastorythatcanbestretched,sinceit’simportantthatthestorygoonandon.Asyourfriendistellingyouthestory,yourjobistointerruptandchangethecourseofthestorytellingbyusingacoachingskill:

Askyourfriendtosummarize,“Whatdidthatmeantoyou?”

Interruptwithaprovocativequestion(notaquestionformoreinformation),suchas,“Whatdidyoulearnfromthat?”

Interruptbyarticulatingwhatisgoingoninthestoryatthatmoment.

Interruptwitharequest.

Intrudebyannouncingyourintentiontointerrupt:“I’mgoingtointerrupthere.”

Languageforinterruptingmightinclude:“Excuseme,youjust…”or“Letmeask…”

CHAPTER5Curiosity

Asacontextforcoaching,curiositymaybethequalitythatstartstheprocessandtheenergythatkeepsitgoing.Themosteffectivecoachesseemtobenaturallycuriousandtohavedevelopedtheircuriosityinawaythatopensdoorsandwindowsforclients.BeinggenuinelycuriousandeagertoplaywithwhatevershowsupisattheheartofaCo-Activecoachingrelationship.

ADifferentWayofAskingCuriositystartswithaquestion.Theinterestingthingaboutaquestionisthatitautomaticallycausesustostartlooking.Forexample,whenyoureadthequestion,“Isitcoldorhotoutsidetoday?”chancesarethatyouinstantlystartedthinkingabouttheweatherinyourtown.WehavethisPavlovianresponsetoaquestion.Itnearlyalwaysthrowsusinthedirectionofthequestion,lookingforananswer.Simplyposingthequestionshiftsthefocusoftheconversation.Beingcurioushasthesameeffect.Coachesnaturallydrawtheirclients’attentiontothosethingstheybothbecomecuriousabout—likewhatclientsaremostenthusiasticaboutorwhatgetsinthewayofhavingthateveryday.Andyet,beingcuriousabouttheseaspectsofaclient’slifeisnotthesameasgatheringinformation.Curiosityisadifferentwayofdiscovering.

Ourexperienceinschooltrainedustogatherinformationbyaskingspecificquestionsthatenableustodeduceanswers.In

thatenvironment,welearnedthatquestionshavespecificanswers—infact,rightanswers.Evenessayquestionshavecorrectanswersthatarespecific,concrete,andmeasurable.Welearnedthatquestionsareusedtonarrowthepossibilities.Thisisthedeductivemethod.Welearnedtofillintheblanks,andwelearnedaboutbeingscoredonourabilitytogettherightanswers.

Thereisabigdifferencebetweenconventionalquestionsthatelicitinformationandcuriousquestionsthatevokepersonalexploration.Thefollowingexamplesillustratethedifferencesbetweenthetwotypesofquestions:

Andthedeadliestquestionsofallinthisstyleofinformationgatheringarethequestionsthataskforayesoranoanswer.Thesesimplyerectahugestopsigninthemiddleoftheconversation.Theroadendsabruptly,andthecoachhastostartalloveragain.Curiousquestions,however,areopen-ended.Theytaketheclientonajourneyandareeasilyphrasedtoavoidsuddenstops.Noticethedifferencesinresponsesthatcouldbeelicitedbythefollowingtypesofquestions:

Anotherformoftheclosedquestionistheleadingquestion.Theleadingquestionimpliesthatthereisarightanswer,andthisconclusionisbuiltintothequestionitself.Theleadingquestionleaveslittletruechoice.Itprettymuchforcesthelearnertocomeupwiththeanswertheteacherislookingfor.

TheValueofCuriosityIncoaching,theidealistoasktrulycuriousquestionswithacuriousframeofmind.Thecuriouscoachdoesn’thavealltheanswers.Whenyouarecurious,youarenolongerintheroleofexpert.Instead,youarejoiningclientsinaquesttofindoutwhat’sthere.Youareexploringtheirworldwiththem,notsuperimposingyourworldontheirs.Itislikelookingattheirworldthroughthewonderingeyesofachild.

Asaconsultant,yougatherinformationsothatyoucancomeupwithappropriaterecommendations.Youhavetheexpertise,andyouarecastingforinformationtodeterminewheretogo.You’relikeageneralcontractorwhohasbeenhiredtocomeinandbuildsomethingwiththematerialsyoubringtothesite.InCo-Activecoaching,incontrast,youarecurious.Youcomeinasacollaboratorwithbuildingexperience

andexpertise,andbuildwiththematerialsthatarethere.Theinformationisinsidetheclient.Yourcuriosityallowstheclienttoexploreanddiscover.Itopensawiderrangeofpossibilitybecauseitismoreflexible.Curiosityinvitestheclienttolookforsolutions.Co-Activecoachesassumetheclientknowstheappropriatesolutionsandhastheresourcestoaddressthem.

Byfindingthesolutionsinthemselves—ratherthaninyou(thecoach)—clientsbecomeevenmoreresourceful.Theeffectoffindingtheanswersisalsoveryenergizingbecauseimportantlearningtakesplace.Curiositygeneratesthesearch,definesanddirectsit,butitistheexploringthatcreateslearning.Anditisthekindoflearningthatlasts,becauseitcomesfromwithin.Withquestionsthatimplyacorrectorapurelyfactualanswer,wesearchourinnerfilesfortheresponsethatfits:therightanswer.Withcuriosity,wehavetheexperienceofexploring,uncovering,diggingaround,considering,reflecting.Thisisthelearningthatleadstosustainablechangeandgrowth.

BuildingtheRelationshipAuthenticcuriosityisalsoapowerfulbuilderofrelationships—anaspectofcuriositythatisveryvaluableincoaching.Imagineyourselfatadinnerpartyseatednexttoastrangerwhoseemsinfinitelycuriousaboutyou:yourlife,yourwork,yourinterests,whatmakesyoutick,whatticksyouoff.Thiskindofcuriosityisnotonlyflatteringbutencouraging.Itallowsyoutorevealalotaboutyourselfinanunchallengedway,andsoyoubuildaconnectioneffortlessly.Nowimaginethesamedinnerpartyandthesamestrangeraskingquestions,butthistimethepersonisnotsimplycurious.Instead,it’syourprospective

mother-in-law,andthequestionsseemtobepartofaninquisition.Thequestionsthemselvesmightbeexactlythesame,butthecontextisvastlydifferent.Curiositybuildsrelationships;interrogationbuildsdefenses.Inthecoachingrelationship,curiosityinvitestheclienttosearchandrevealwhilepermittingsafeexploration.

SteeringThroughCuriosityThecoach’squestionproposesadirectionforlooking,andtheclient’sattentionisnaturallydrawninthatdirection.Witheachnewquestion,thecoachencouragesadditionallookingalongapath—orshiftsthepath,allowingthecuriositytosteerthelooking.Intuitionandcuriositybothguidethecoachingconversation.Beingcuriousincoachingistwothings:notbeingattachedtoaparticularpathordestinationandyetalwaysbeingintentionalaboutseekingoutmeaning,uncoveringimportantinsight,discoveringlearningfortheclient.Itisnotaimlessmeandering.

Thiswouldbeagoodtimetoemphasizethatwearetalkingaboutcuriosityforthesakeoftheclient’sdiscoveryanddecisionmaking,notthecoach’sdiscoveryandproblemsolving.Thisisanimportantdistinctionandissometimesmarkedbyaveryfineline.Yes,ofcourse,itisimportantforcoachestogatherinformationandbackgroundinordertounderstandtheissueunderdiscussionandtheclient’sdesires.Butinpractice,coachesusuallyneedmuchlessinformationthantheythinktheydo.Thisisespeciallytrueofbackgroundinformation.Coachesrarelyneedtoknowhowthingscametobe,andtheydon’tneeddetailedinformationinordertosolvetheproblem.Clientsneedtoknow,andcoachescanbemost

helpfulbyguidingtheclient’sdiscoveryandlearning.

DevelopingtheTalentLikelisteningandintuition,curiosityisatalent.Somepeopleareendowedwithastrongersenseofcuriositythanothers.Aswithlisteningandintuition,curiositycanbedevelopedthroughpractice.

Thefirststepisawareness—simplypayingattentiontobeingcurious.Wearesoaccustomedtofeelingwehavetoknowtheanswerbeforeweaskthequestionthatwesometimesfinditnearlyimpossibletoaskwithoutknowing.Incoaching,however,youhavetolearntostopaskingquestionsastheexpert—withtheintentionofsorting,analyzing,andcategorizingtheinformationforlateruse—andsimplyaskoutofcuriosity.

Clientsknowwhenthecoachisaskingaquestionwitha“correct”answerinmind.Theysensethattheyhavetwochoices:eitherresistansweringthatquestionortrytodiscerntheanswerthecoachislookingfor.Whenthequestionisaskedoutofcuriosity,theywillsensethis,too.Theywillknowtheyarebeingaskedtofindtheirownanswersfromwithin.

Onetechniquefordevelopingyourcuriosityistousethephrase“I’mcurious…”beforeaskingaquestion.Noticehowitchangesthenatureofthelooking.Noticehowitshiftstheprocessoflookingtotheclientbutatthesametimelowerstheriskthatusuallyaccompaniescomingupwiththeanswer.Clientsseemmorewillingtosay,“Idon’tknow,”andthenansweranyway.Withcuriosity,thereisbothplayfulnessandanunconditionalsensethattheanswerthatemergesisalwaystherightanswerbecauseit’stheclient’s.Thisdoesn’tmeanitcan’t

bechallenged,however.It’sarightanswerbecauseit’stheclient’s,notthecoach’s,butitisalsoopentofurthercoaching.Whenyouasktheclient,“Howareyoudoingwithmakingsalescalls?”andtheclientsays,“I’msatisfiedwithmakingfourcallsaday,”youcanstillask,“Yourinitialplanwasforeightcallsaday.Whatchanged?”

Anotherapplicationofcuriosityistonoticetheenergyshiftsintheclient’sresponsesusingyourLevelIIIlisteningawareness.Ifyoursensingradarpicksuphesitation,becuriousaboutthat.Ifyoupickupangerorresistance,askaboutthat.Becuriousaboutachangeinpaceintheclient’sconversation—oramoreenergeticspirit,morejokes,morelaughter.Usethesecluesassignalstopursueyourcuriosityandturnonyourintuition.

HowCuriosityFitsinCoachingAtsomelevel,curiosityisoneofthosetoolsthatiscommontoallhelpingprofessions.Curiosityisespeciallyimportantincoachingbecauseittapsintodeepersourcesofinformation.Askingquestionsfordatawillyieldanalysis,reasons,rationale,explanation.Askingquestionsoutofcuriositywillyielddeeper—oftenmoreauthentic—informationaboutfeelingsandmotivation.Theinformationrevealedthroughcuriosityislikelytobelesscensored,lesscarefullycrafted,messier.Itwillbemorereal.

Thecoachdemonstratescuriosityintheveryfirstmeeting.Almostnothingismoreengagingforprospectiveclientsthanacoach’sgenuinecuriosityaboutthem,theirvalues,whattheyfindimportant,whatdoesanddoesn’tworkforthem.Curiosityisalwayspresentintheongoingcoachingsessions,too,of

course.Itisthemeansofuncoveringnewanswersandnewareastoexplore,knowingthatclientsknowtheanswers.Coachesdon’tneedtoknow.Theirjobistobecurious.

SampleDialogueCOACH:Iknowyoukeepsayingyouwanttoexerciseandloseweight—youjustbroughtitupagain—butweekafterweekInoticeyoudon’tdoanythingaboutit.I’mcurious.What’sstoppingyou?

Client:Clearly,timeisabigissue.Youknowwhatmyschedule’sbeenthelastfewmonths.

COACH:Iknowyou’rebusy,butlet’stakeastepbackandreallylookatthis.Maybeit’snotthatimportant?

Client:YoumeanIcouldjustdecidetodaythatIdon’tcareandI’dneverhavetogotothegymagain?

COACH:Thatpossibilitycertainlylityouup.What’sthatabout?

Client:Ihategoingtothegym.Ihatethesmell.Ihateallthecomparison…

COACH:Whatisimportanttoyou?Client:Myhealthisimportant.Mydadwasoverweightandoutofshape.Hewasonlysixty-eightwhenhedied.

COACH:Imagineyouarehealthyandfit.Whatdoesthatfeellike?

Client:Itfeelsgreat.COACH:Andwhatworksforyou?Client:Whatwouldreallyworkforme—atleastitdidonce

before—ishavingaworkoutbuddy,somebodytoexercisewith.

COACH:Howcanyoumakethathappen?Client:I’llbetIcouldfindsomebodyatworkwhowouldbeinterestedinexercisingduringthelunchhour.Icouldputanoticeonthebulletinboard.

CoachingSkillsThetwoskillsinthissectionareidealexamplesofthecontextcreatedbycuriosity.Bothskillsinvolveprovocative,open-endedquestionsthatsendclientsinsearchofdiscovery.Theskillsreinforcethecoreofcuriosity.Thisisnotaboutgatheringmoreinformation;itisaboutinvitingclientstolook—notonlywiththeirminds,butwiththeirhearts,souls,andintuition—intoplacesthatarefamiliarbutthattheymayseewithneweyes.andintoplacestheymaynothavelookedbefore.

PowerfulQuestionsAparticularkindofcuriositytakestheformofwhatwecall“powerfulquestions.”AskingratherthantellingisatthefoundationofCo-Activecoaching,andthepowerfulquestionisacornerstone.Youcanseewhywhenyouunderstandwhatmakesquestionspowerfultobeginwith.Whenapersonasksyouaquestion,especiallyapersonalquestion,itsendsyouinaparticulardirectiontofindananswer.

Let’ssayacoachasks,“Whenyouworkonanimportantproject,whatdoyouconsistentlydothatcanjeopardizeitssuccessfulcompletion?”Thequestioninvitestheclienttolookinaparticulardirection.Orlet’ssaysomeoneasks,“Whatisa

rationaleforprotectingtherainforestsoftheworld?”Somepeoplemightrecallseeingamapofrainforestlocations.Othersmaythinkofimagesofrainforestsorremembertheexperienceofvisitingone.Somepeoplemayconsiderthequestionfromanenvironmentalviewpointorrecallarticlestheyhavereadabouttheissue.It’slikelythatthissimplequestionwilltakeeveryonesomewhere.

Thinkofquestionsaspointsofacompass.Askingapowerfulquestionislikesendingtheclientnottoaspecificdestinationbutinadirectionfilledwithpossiblediscoveriesandmysteries.Powerfulquestionsinviteintrospection,presentadditionalsolutions,andleadtogreatercreativityandinsight.Theyinviteclientstolookinside(Whatdoyoureallywant?)orintothefuture(Lookaheadsixmonths.Standingthere,whatdecisionswouldyoumaketoday?).Apowerfulquestionisexpansiveandopensupfurthervistasfortheclient.

Powerfulquestionstendtostoppeopleintheirtracks,sothereisoftenasuddenhush.Besuretoallowtimefortheclienttoreflectandthenrespond.Thereisatemptationtofillthemomentarysilenceasifitwereavoid,ortoassumethattheclientdidn’tunderstandthequestion.Infact,thatsilentmomentmaybefullofthoughtfuldiscovery.Justlistenandwait.Clientsareaccustomedtoreportingwhattheyknow,whattheyhavethoughtaboutalready;theyarenotasaccustomedtohavingpeopleaskthemreallystrong,provocativequestionsthatsendthemintounchartedterritory.Onewaytotellthatyouareaskingpowerfulquestionsisthethoughtfulconsiderationclientsgivetoanswering.Itispossible,infact,toconductanentirecoachingsessionwithpowerfulquestions.(TheCoach’sToolkitonline,http://www.coactive.com/toolkit,containsan

extensivesampleofpowerfulquestionsthatwillgiveyouasenseoftheform.)

SampleDialogueClient:I’mjustnotveryhappyatwork.COACH:Whatdoesthatmean—“notveryhappy”?Client:I’mboredandIdon’tfeelliketheworkIdomakesmuchofadifference.

COACH:Let’sstartwith“bored.”That’swhatyoudon’twant.Whatisityoudowant?

Client:Iwanttowakeupinthemorningexcitedabouttheday.Iwanttobemorecreative.Imissthatenergyandthecollaboration.

COACH:Whatelse?Client:Iwanttofeellikemytalentsarebeingusedandthatmyworkmeanssomething—thatI’mmakingacontribution.

COACH:Howcanyoucreatethatinyourworknow?Client:I’mnotsure.IguessIneverthoughtofitaspossible.

COACH:Giveitago.What’spossible?

UsingPowerfulQuestions.Powerfulquestionsfitanywhereandeverywhereincoaching—fromtheoriginaldiscoverysessiontothelastcompletionsessionbetweencoachandclient.Tousepowerfulquestionspowerfully,thecoachmustbewillingtointrude,askillwediscussedearlier.Insome

situations,youcan’twaitforanopeningandneedtowedgeyourwayin.Forexample:Yourclientisjustgettingintothegrooveofcomplaining—onceagain—abouthowimpossibleherworksituationisandhowhelplesssheistochangeanything.Youinstantlyrecognizethisgrooveasarut,sowhenshepausestotakeabreath,youask,“Whatareyoutolerating?”or“Whatisthepayoffforyouinallofthis?”or“What’sanotherwaythiscouldbe?”Toaskpowerfulquestions,thecoachmustbeverycuriousandverycourageousontheclient’sbehalf.Thecoachneedstoassumetheclienthasthewherewithaltohandleeventough,directquestions.

PowerfulQuestionsversusDumbQuestions.Sometimesthemostpowerfulquestionsaretheonesthatsoundthedumbest,or,ifyouprefer,simpleandprofound.Theyslideinundertheradar.Clientsarewelltrainedtohandlethecomplexattack—theyarepracticedatofferingexplanationsandrationalizations.Thedumbquestionlandslikeabombinallofthat.Imaginethissituation:Yourclienthasatightlyconstructedsetofreasonsthatexplainwhythesituationissocomplex,withlotsofstoriesaboutthefactorsthatlimithissuccessandthedifficultyofgettingcooperationfromthispersonandthatperson,and…Inthemiddleofthis,youask,“Whatdoyoureallywant?”Boom.Youcouldhavetestedtherationaleorlookedforwaysofexpandingperspectivesorchippedawayatthesurfaceinsomeotherway.Butthesimplestquestion,thedumbquestion,getstothecore.

Herearesomeother“dumb”questions:

Whatdoeswhatyouwantlook(orfeel)like?

What’snext?Whataboutthatisimportanttoyou?Whatelse?Whatdidyoulearn?Whatwillyoudoandwhenwillyoudoit?Whodoyouneedtobe?

Therearetimeswhenyoumaythinkthequestionistoodumbtoask.Goaheadandaskitandsurpriseyourself.Evenifyougettheansweryouexpect,rememberthatthereasonforaskingisnotsoyoucanheartheanswerbutsotheclientcanheartheanswerandlearnfromit.Thereasonforaskingthedumbquestionistoletclientsheartheanswer:thetruth,thenewdiscovery,orthelietheykeeptellingthemselves.It’slikeunderlining.Askingthequestionsreinforcesthelearningbeforeclientsmoveon.

Not-So-PowerfulQuestionsandExceptions.Thesimplerandmoredirect,thebetter,whenitcomestomakingquestionspowerful.Acompoundorcomplexquestionforcesclientstosortouttheessenceofthequestionbeforetheycanrespond,andtheymaygetlosttryingtofigureitout.Thepowerfulquestionispowerfulbecauseitcutsthroughtotheheartoftheissue.Shortisgood.

Theclosed-endedquestioncreatesanarrowtunnelthatusuallydead-endsabruptlywithayesoranoorwithdata.There’snotenoughdepthforfurtherexploration,whichiswhywerecommendavoidingclosed-endedquestions.

Considerthisquestion:“Isadventureimportanttoyou?”Theanswercouldbe“yes,”“no,”“very,”or“sometimes.”Compareittothisquestion:“Wheredoyouwantmoreadventureinyourlife?”Thisexamplealsoillustratestheexceptionwithyes/noquestions.Sometimesthecoachisaskingforclarification.Inthefirstquestion,thecoachisaskingifadventureisavalue.Sometimesthereisaneedtomakesurethecoachandtheclientareonthesamepage.

The“why”questionisanotherexampleofaquestionthatisoftennotparticularlypowerfulbecauseitinvitestheclienttolookforexplanationsoranalyses.Forexample:“WhydidyoudecidetomovetoDelaware?”“Why”questionsoftenunintentionallyputclientsonthedefensive.Theyfeelaneedtoexplainorjustifyadecisionorpointofview.Amorepowerfulquestionbasedonthesamesituationmightbe“Whatareyoumovingtoward?”or“WhatvaluesmotivatedthismovetoDelaware?”

Wepointoutthesetendenciesnotsoyouwillmakeitaruletoneveraska“yes/no”or“why”questionbutsoyouwillpayattentiontotheimpactofthequestionsyouask.Forexample,thefollowing“yes/no”and“why”questionscouldbepowerful:“It’stimetostopanalyzingandact,isn’tit?”and“Whywouldyousayyestohimandbreakyourpromisetoyourself?”Giventherightcontextandatonethatmatchesthatcontext,a“yes/no”or“why”questioncanhaveadramaticeffectonclients,callingthemtotheirowncommitment.

HomeworkInquiryAhomeworkinquiryisanotherspecialkindofquestion.Initsphrasing,itcanbeidenticaltoapowerfulquestion.The

differenceisthatthehomeworkinquiryisoftenposedattheendofthecoachingsessionandismeanttogiveclientstimeforcontinuedreflectionandexploration.Forexample:Yourclientisstrugglingwithmoneyissues—andwithworkingmoreandconsequentlyhavinglessfamilytime—butsheishoundedbyalifelongdeterminationtoberichsomeday.Soyoupresentthisquestionasthehomeworkinquiryfortheweek:“Whatisittoberich?”

Ahomeworkinquirymayalsobecompletelyunrelatedtothatsession’smaterialorissuesintheclient’slifeatthemoment.Becauseitappearstobecomingoutoftheblue,thiskindofinquirycanproduceunexpectedandprofoundresults.Forexample,attheendofthesession,youasktheclient,“Whatisyourprevalentmood?”Thefollowingweek,afterdiscussingwhattheclientdescribesasherprevalentmood,youposetheinquiry,“Howisthismoodhabitualandhowdoesitserveyou?”

Thehomeworkinquiryisaquestionaskedforthepurposeofprovokingintrospectionandreflection.Aswithanypowerfulquestion,thereisnorightanswer.Itisnotaquestionthathasaresolution.Thehomeworkinquiryissetapartbyitsqualityofinvestigationfrommanyanglesandthelengthoftimetheclienttakestoponderit.Becausethereisanaturaltendencytothinkthatallquestionsshouldhavetheirownrightanswers,youmayneedtoremindtheclientthatthegoaloftheinquiryistobecurious.Intime,theinquiryleadstodeeperunderstanding,newwaysoflookingattheissue,andmorepossibilitiesforaction.

Herearesomeexamplesofhomeworkinquiries:

Whatistheunderlyingyearning?Whatareyouheretodo?Tocreate?Whatareyouresisting?Whatisittobeinspired?

Tohelpclientsstickwiththequestion,coachesmayattachactiontotheinquiry.Forexample,youmightaskclientstopostthehomeworkquestioninstrategicplacessotheycontinuetonoticeitthroughouttheweek.It’sthereinthedailycalendar,stucktothedashboard,postedabovethecomputer,tapedtothebathroommirror,orprintedonacardcarriedinawallet.Thekeyistolookatthehomeworkinquiryinanewwayeachtimeandtokeepengagingitatdifferenttimeseverydayforfreshperspectives.Otheractionstepsmightbetoprocessthequestionbywritinginajournal,drawingpictures,talkingtoafriend,orgoingforawalk.Youcanbuildaccountabilityintotheinquirybyaskingclientstophone,e-mail,ortexttheirresponsestoyoubeforethenextsession.Thehomeworkinquiryisapotenttoolincoachingbecauseittakesthecoachingoutofthesessionandintegratesitintotheclient’slife.(Formoreexamples,seetheCoach’sToolkitonline,at

http://www.coactive.com/toolkit.)

SampleDialogueAttheendoflastweek’scoachingsession,thecoachlefttheclientwithaninquirytoponder—aquestionthatcouldhavemanydifferentanswersatdifferentlevels.Thehomeworkinquirywas,“Wheredoyouabandonyourself?”

Client:Well,atfirstIdidn’tseeanything.AndthenIstartedrealizingmyhelplessnessaroundmycalendar—howIneverseemtohaveenoughtimebecauseotherpeoplearefillingupmycalendarwithappointments.

COACH:“Abandonyourself”inthesenseofgivingawayyourtimetootherpeople.What’sitlikewhenyougiveawayyourtime?

Client:InoticedIhadthishabitofsaying,“Ican’tdoanythingbecausemycalendarisfull”—untilIfinallyrealizedthatit’smycalendar.IgettochoosewhatIputinmycalendar.

COACH:Whereelsedoyouabandonyourself?Client:Ialsonoticeditinmyrelationship.Whenmypartnergetsupsetwithme,Iwithdraw,disappear,orcavein.I’mgettingbetterattakingastand,butit’sanoldpattern.

COACH:Whatelsedidyoudiscoverwiththequestion?Client:Well,Ijustkeptlookingatit.Ialsonoticedwhereotherpeoplegiveawaytheirpower.

COACH:Wherewasthat?Client:Atameetinglastweek.WehadthedivisionalVPintoreviewforecasts,andsomeofthepeoplewereactinglikenervousschool-kidsinfrontoftheprincipal.Theyjustcompletelylosttheirself-confidenceandauthority.Itwasfascinating.

COACH:Wasthattrueforyou,too?Client:MorethanI’dliketoadmit.IthoughtIwasmore

beyondthatthanIguessIam.COACH:Istheremore?Client:No,Ithinkthatcoversit.Thanks.COACH:Sohere’syourhomeworkinquiryfornextweek:wheredoyoutakeanuncompromisingstand?

Client:Okay.I’llchewonthatone.

ThePowerofBeingCuriousAsacoach,yourcuriosityleadsyoutoknowyourclientsfromtheinsideout.Youlearn,youarecuriousaboutwhatyoulearn,andsoyoukeepasking.Clientsinturnkeeprespondingtoyourcuriositybygoinginside,too—lookingfortheirownanswers,tryingtounderstandtheirworldandthewaytheyoperate,whatstirsthemandwhatstopsthem.Intime,yougettoknowtheirinteriorworkingsuntil,ultimately,youbecometheirvoice,askingthequestionstheythemselveswouldask.You,asthecoach,areinabetterpositiontoaskthesequestionsbecauseyouarenotdistractedbyself-sabotagingtalk,orhistory,ortheopinionsofcolleaguesandthefeelingsoflovedones,oranythingelse.Theinquiriesbecomemoreintriguing;thepowerfulquestionsbecomemorepotent.Andintheprocess,clientsadoptsomeofthestrengthsofthecoaching—asifthey’rebuildinginternalcapabilities.Clientslearnwhatit’sliketobecuriousandlessjudgmentalaboutthemselves.

Exercises

1.Curiosity

Spendhalfanhourinacoffeeshopbeingcuriousabouteveryoneintheplace.Withoutactuallytalkingtoanyoneatfirst,releaseyourcuriosityandposethefollowingquestionstoyourself:Iwonderwheretheyareoutofbalanceintheirlives.Iwonderwhattheyvalue.Iwonderwhattheyaremissingintheirlives,whatmakesthemlaugh,wheretheyhaveconstructedself-imposedlimits.Whatdotheylikeabouttheday?Whataretheirlifedreams?Whatempowersthem?Whatdotheylikeaboutthepeoplethey’resittingwith?

Attheendofthehalfhour,findsomeoneyoucanspendalittlemoretimewithandactuallyaskthatpersonthecuriousquestions.Asyouaskthequestions,beawareofwhatishappeningwiththeotherperson.Howdoesthispersonrespondtoyouwhenyouarecurious?Thenlookatyourownroleintheconversation.WhatdoyounoticeatLevelI?AtLevelII?AtLevelIII?Afterward,becuriousaboutyourowncuriosity.Whatdidyoulearnaboutbeingcurious?Whatwaseasy?Whatwashard?Whatmadeiteasyorhard?Howcouldyoubemorecurious?Whatwouldthatgiveyou?

2.PowerfulQuestions

Oneofthesimplestwaystoexperiencethepowerofpowerfulquestionsisalsooneofthe

mostchallenging.Inthisexercise,thegoalistohaveaten-minuteconversationwithanotherpersoninwhichyouareallowedtoaskonlypowerfulquestions:nomakingstatements,nosummarizing,noofferingadviceortellingstoriesofyourown,nodrawingconclusions.Yourroleistoaskpowerfulquestionsandnothingmore.(YoumaywanttoreviewthelistofpowerfulquestionsintheCoach’sToolkitonline,athttp://www.coactive.com/toolkit.)Afterward,askthepersonforfeedback.Whatwasitlikewhenallyoudidwasaskquestions?Thentellthepersonwhatitwaslikeforyoutobeconfinedtoquestions.Whatworkedforyouaboutthat?Whatmadeitdifficult?

3.HomeworkInquiry

Ahomeworkinquiryisanopen-ended,powerfulquestionthathelpsclientsexploreanimportantareaoftheirlivesforaperiodoftime,usuallyaweekormore.Todothisexercise,startbyreviewingthehomeworkinquiriesintheCoach’sToolkitonline.Thengobacktothelistoftenfriendsoracquaintancesforwhomyouwrotemeta-viewstatements.Usingthemeta-viewandwhatyouknowabouttheperson,writeahomeworkinquiryforeachone.

CHAPTER6ForwardandDeepen

Themostvisibleoutcomeofcoachingisalsotheprimaryreasonclientswantcoachinginthefirstplace:action.Clientswantchange;theywanttoseeresults.Theywanttomoveforward.It’salsotruethat“action”willlookverydifferentfordifferentclients.Forsomeclients,itwillmeanachievingspecificgoalsorperformingatahigherlevel.Forothers,actionwillmeanintegratingnewpracticesorfirmlyestablishinghabits.Forstillothers,itwillbepayingattentiontothemoresubjectivequalityoftheirlives.Inwhateverwayclientsdefine“action,”itwillbeafocusintheircoaching.

InCo-Activecoaching,wewouldsaythatasecond,complementary,andjustasimportantoutcomeislearning.Whatclientslearnalongthewayhelpsthemmakecontinuallybetterchoicesand,ultimately,makesthemmorecompetentandmoreresourcefulintheareastheyconcentrateonintheircoaching.Infact,it’sthiscycleofactionandlearningovertimethatleadstosustainedandeffectivechange.Clientstakeactionandlearn,whichleadstomoreactionbasedonwhattheylearned,andthecyclecontinues.Coachingisidealforthisprocessbecausetherelationshipisongoingandisdesignedtofocusonthisinterrelatedpair.Allofthecoachingskillsareusedtoforwardtheactionanddeepentheclient’slearning.

Fromtheclient’sperspective,theemphasisintheprevioussentencewouldbeonthewords“action”and“learning.”Thecoach,however,wouldfocuson“forward”and“deepen.”

Actionandlearningarewhattheclientexperiences.Toforwardanddeepenisthejobofthecoach.

Withinthecontainerofthecoachingrelationship,coachandclientworktogetherontheclient’sbehalf.Clientsbringanagendaforchange.Theybringdesireandahostofqualitiesthatincludewillingnesstodivein,commitmenttotheirlives,anddedicationtotheirownpurpose.Theybringthecouragetotakerisksforthesakeofchange.Inthebestcoachingrelationships,clientsbring100percentofthemselvesandthesequalities.Inthesamewaythatcoachesarecuriousforthesakeoftheirclients,coachesalsobringanabilityandacommitmenttoforwardactionanddeepenlearning,fortheirclients’sake.Wewouldsaythatinthebestcoachingrelationships,coachesbringtheirown100percentinfourareas:authenticity,connection,aliveness,andcourage.

AuthenticityInrockclimbing,thedevicethatsecuresaropeiscalledananchor.Theseingeniousdevicesarewedgedintocracksandopeningsintherockwallandcanberemovedlater.Theyaretemporaryfixtures,buttheyaredesignedtoholdaclimber’sweight,eveniftheclimberfalls.Acoachislikethatanchor.Thisanchor–coachmakesitpossibleforclientstotaketheriskstheyneedtotakeinordertoclimbonintheirlives.It’simportantthatclientsbeabletodependonthatanchor,knowthatitisrealandsolid,thatitisreliableandwillhold.

Inhumanterms,thatmeansyou,asthecoach,mustbeyourself,authentically,sothatclientscanfeelthehonestyandintegrityofwhoyouare.Youwillbetheirmodelofwhatrisk

takinglookslike,whatitmeanstoberealandhonest.Whenyouareauthenticallyyourself,andnotplayingtheroleof“professionalcoach,”youcreatemorerelationshipandmoretrust,andclientswillswingoutmoreintheirownlives.Therearetimeswhenclientsreallyneedtoleanintothecoachingrelationship;atthatpoint,theywanttoleanintoasolidwall,onethatistrueallthewaythrough,notaflimsyfacade.

Authenticityshowsupinlotsofways.Personalstyleisoneinparticular.Personalstyleissimplyyournaturalwayofbeingwithpeople,andifhumororeccentricityisanauthenticpartofyourpersonalstyle,youneedtobringthatintoyourcoaching.Coachessometimesthinktheyhavetobeseriousallthetime.Thisisseriousbusiness,afterall,theythink.Obviously,itisimportanttotakeserioussituationsseriouslyandtobehaveprofessionally,butevenso,thereisplentyofroomforlivelyengagement.Humorcanlightenasituationatjusttherighttime,makingitpossibleforclientstomoveforward.

ConnectionImaginethereisaninstrumentthatcanmeasurethestrengthoftheconnectionbetweencoachandcoachee.Thisinvisibleconnectionexists,liketheradiowavesusedbymobilephones,andtherearetimeswhentheemissionsarestrongandthecommunicationisremarkablyclose,andtimeswhenthedisplayonthephonewouldread“nosignal”eventhoughbothpeoplearetalking.

Partofthecoach’sjobistoestablish,monitor,andmaintainthestrongestpossibleconnectionsignalwithcoachees.Thissignalstrengthisespeciallyimportantwhencoacheesare

movingintoneworunchartedterritoryintheirworkortheirlives.Inourmodel,wecallthisaLevelIIawareness,orconnection,andcoachesmonitorbylisteningatLevelIIIandadjustingasnecessarytomaintaintheconnection.

Therewillbetimesinthecoachingwhenthecoachtakesariskwiththecoachee:tochallengeortotellthehardtruth.Iftheconnectionisstrong,therewillbetrustandrelationshipandagreateropportunityforsuccess.

AlivenessThedoingofcoachingismadeupofalltheskillsandmethodology.Andthenthereisthebeingofcoaching:theenvironmentinwhichthecoachingtakesplace.By“environment,”wedonotmeanthephysicalenvironment,althoughthatcanplayanimportantpartincoaching.Wearereferringinsteadtoafeelingintheatmospherebetweencoachandclient:itfeelsveryalive.

Asacoach,yoursensesarealert,andyoucanfeelthattheclientisalertaswell.Theemotionalatmospheremightbealmostanything:sad,serene,excited,angry.Alivedoesnotnecessarilymeanenthusiastic,althoughthatisoneofthepossiblequalities.Ifyouputtheenvironmentonacontinuum,youmighthavewordslike“dead,”“dull,”“remote,”“indifferent”ononeendand“alive”ontheother.Notethattherearetimeswhen“alive”willbeverydramaticandtimeswhenitwillbeveryquiet.Likeareallygreatpieceofmusic,thequietcansometimesbeincrediblyalivebecauseitisincontrastwiththedramaticmovement.Coachessometimesthinkthatacoachingconversationshouldbesmoothandpolished,

evensmart.Ofcourseitcanbe,butnotattheexpenseofbeingalive.Wehaveallbeeninconversationsthatwereveryaliveevenwhenthesubjectwasuncomfortable.Inorderforclientstoleavetheircomfortzones,therewillbetimeswhenthecoachingwillbealiveanddarneduncomfortable.

CourageSpeakingofuncomfortable,howfarareyouwillingtogoforthesakeofyourclient’sboldplansandpurpose?Howcourageousareyouwillingtobeonhisorherbehalf?Yourwillingnesstobecourageouswillbeamodel,amirrorforyourclients.Whenyouarecourageousontheirbehalf,youdemonstratethatyouareascommittedtotheirsuccessastheyare,onsomedaysevenmorecommitted.Atthosetimeswhenclientswanttogivein,youmayneedtocourageouslycallthemoutoftheirfearorsenseofdefeat.Thisdoesnotmeannagging,judging,orshamingthem.Itmeansspeakingfiercelytothecourageouspartofyourclientswhileignoringthepartthatisself-sabotaging.Youdothisnotforthesakeofyouregobutforthesakeoftheclient’slifeandpossibility.Thisisacommitmenttobefearless—tocaremoreabouttheclient’sagendathanaboutbeinglikedorwinningapproval.Itmaymeantakingbigrisks:riskingtheclient’sdisapprovaloranger,maybeevenriskingbeingfired.Fiercecourageisacommitmenttogototheedgewithclients.

TakingChargeYourjobascoachistoforwardanddeepen.Youdothatbythechoicesyoumakeasacoach:youchoosetousethisskillorthat

one;youchooseadirectiontotake,towardtheclient’sfulfillmentorbalanceorprocess.Clientschoosetheagendafortheirfocus,butyouchoosethetoolsandmanagethetimeandstructureofthecoachingsession.

Clientsareresponsiblefortheiractionandlearning,andalmostallofthatactionandlearningtakesplacebetween,notduring,coachingsessions.Inthebestcoachinginteractions,thereisadancebetweencoachandclientthathaspace,range,upsanddowns,insandouts,andanoverallflowthatmightlooksmoothormightlookdisconnected.Butthecoachtakestheinitiativeinchoosingthesession’sdirection.

IntheCo-Activecoachingmodel,weemphasizethatclientshavetheanswersandcoachesareunattached;weemphasizethatclientsareinchargeoftheagenda.Wedowanttobecrystalclear,however,thatthecoachisprimarilyresponsibleforforwardinganddeepening.That’swhatitmeanstotakechargeofthecoaching.Clientsexpectanddependonthecoachtodothis.Youwillstilldancewiththeanswersthatclientsgiveandbewillingtotakethecoachinginnewdirectionsthatwillmovethemforwardanddeeper.Takingchargeisnotaboutbeingstubborn.Ultimately,thecoachtakeschargeforthesakeoftheclient’smovement.

Thatmovementhaspurposeinit,purposethatmatterstotheclient.Thecoachbringsexpertiseincoachingasawaytohelpclientsstayinmotionalongtheirchosenpath.Ifthecoachdoesnottakechargeofthecoaching,thecoachingdriftsorthecoachsimplyreactstotheflavordujour.Clientscometocoachingforareason—forsupportorchangeinsomeimportantareaoftheirlife.Coacheshavearesponsibilitytotakechargeofthecoachingtooptimizethisuniqueopportunityintheclient’slife.

AccountabilityOneofthedefiningqualitiesofcoachingisthatitcreatesaccountability:ameasuringtoolforactionandameansforreportingonlearning.Itisimportanttobeclearhere,attheoutset,that“accountability”issimplythis:clientsgiveanaccountoftheiractionandlearning.Thereisnojudgment,blame,orscolding.Clientsgiveanaccountofwhattheycommittedto:Whatweretheresults?Whatworked,andwhatdidn’twork?Whatwouldtheydodifferentlynexttime?

Accountabilityhelpskeepclientsontrackastheyplanandcommittoactionandastheylearnfromtheactiontheytake,ordon’ttake,insomecases.Accountabilitygivesstructuretotheongoingcoaching.Ascoaches,weholdclientsaccountable—nottoseethemperformoreventomeasurehowwelltheyperform,buttoempowertheminmakingthechangestheywanttomake.Alongtheway,wecelebratetheirachievementsanddigintotheobstaclestheyencounter.Accountabilityisthefundamentalstructurethatkeepstheconversationgoing.

Itisveryimportantthatcoachandclienthaveamutualunderstandingofwhattheclientwillbeaccountablefor,regardlessofwhethertheactionplanisveryspecificorverysubjective.Thebasicquestionstoaskforclarifyingcommitmentsaresimpleandclear:

Whatwillyoudo?Whenwillyoudoit?(Oronwhatschedule,ifitisapracticeoranongoingaction.)HowwillIknow?(Willtherebeaspecificreport?Oraskhowtheclientwilltrackhisorherprogressandreport

backtoyou.)

Evenwhenaccountabilityfocusesonqualitativegoals,therecanstillbespecificaccountability.Forexample:imagineoneofyourclientswantstofocusonhisvalueofcreativityandanotherwantstobeamoredecisivemanager.Theaccountabilitymighttaketheformofahomeworkinquiryfordailyjournaling:“Whatdoescreativityaddtomylife?”or“Whatarethequalitiesofadecisivemanager?”Theaccountabilitymightbeintheformofanend-of-the-dayreporttoself:“TodayIwascreativewhen…”or“TodayIwasmoredecisivewhen…”or“TodayIfailedtobedecisivewhen…”Thesesameend-of-the-dayreportsmightbesenttothecoachbye-mailalongwithnotesaboutwhattheclientsarediscovering.

CelebratingFailureThatmayseemlikeanoddpairingofwords,“celebrating”and“failure”sidebyside.Andyetitmaybeoneofthemostimportantconceptsincoaching.Fearoffailingisthenumberonekillerofgrandplansandgoodideas.Morethanalackofknowledgeorskill,morethanthelackofaclearstrategyoractionplan,thebiggestobstacleinthewayofprogressforclientsistheparalysiscausedbythefearoffailing.

Mostofuslearnearlyinlifethatfailureisbad,evenshameful.Welearntohideourfailures,makeexcusesforthem,orignorethem.Worsethanthat,webegintostoptakingrisks;webecomemorecautiousinordertoavoideventhepossibilityoffailing.Westarttolimitourchoicestoonlythoseactionsthathaveahighprobabilityofsuccess.Andsoourchoices

becomelimited,andourfieldofplaybecomessmaller.Itdoesn’thavetobethatway.

Failureisoneofthefastestwaysoflearning—askanytoddler.Smallchildrendonotstayuplateatnightreadingthe“howtowalk”manual,learningthemechanics.Theyflop,fall,crawl,standup,andflopandcrawlsomemore.Therearebumpsalongwithstepsandstatisticallymorefailurethansuccess,butitneverseemstodampentheirenthusiasm.Inordertotaketherisksthatwillenablethemtowalkandrunintheirlives,clientsmustbewillingtoflop,fall,andgetbackupandlearnfromtheexperience.Learningisthekeyhere.Failingatanyaction,evenfailingtotakeaction,isarichlearningopportunity.Itisthislearningopportunitythatwecelebrateandexplorewithclients.

Actionwillleadtolearning,butalongtheway,clientsmayneedtogothroughthelandoffailure.Hereisanessentialdistinctionthatwillhelpyoupavetheroadthroughthatterritory:thereisadifferencebetweenfailingatsomethingandbeingafailure.Peoplearenaturallycreative,resourceful,andwhole.Theyarenotfailures,eveniftheyfailsometimes.

Infact,inordertomakesignificantchangesintheirlives,clientsoftenhavetogototheedgeoftheirabilityorcapacity.Sometimestheygotoofarandfail;sometimestheydon’tgofarenoughandfailbymissingtheopportunity.Whetherapersonfailsorsucceeds,oneoftheunderlyinggoalsisalwaystolookatthelearningthatresultsfromtheexperience.That’swhywebelievethatfailingisvaluable.Itissomethingtohonorinclientsbecauseitrequirescourageandcommitmenttotaketheriskandtofail.Clientswilloftenlearnmorefromwhatdoesn’tworkthanfromwhatdoeswork.Andthatiswhywecan

enthusiasticallyputthewords“celebrating”and“failure”sidebyside.

Atthesametime,werecognizethatcelebratingfailuredoesn’tmeanignoringthedisappointmentthatoftenaccompaniesit.Clientsmayneedalittletimetoabsorbthebumpbeforetheycandigintothelearningthatisavailablethere.Celebratinginthissensemeanshavingareverencefor,anappreciationof,theclient’sexperience.Wehaveahighregardforfailingbecausesofewpeoplearewillingtoputthemselvesinthatposition.It’sworthcelebratingwhenithappens.

CallingForthCoaches,bytheirverynature,wanttobehelpful.Theyalsowanttobeeffectiveandsuccessfulandmaybeevenrespectedfortheirwork,butatthecore,theyhaveadeepdesiretohelpothers.Thisisjustastrueforthoseinaninformalcoachingrole.It’snowonder,then,thatcoachesjumpatthechancetohelpclientssolveproblems.That’stheobviouswaytobehelpful:findtheproblemandsolveit,makeitdisappear.Executivesandmanagerslearningtoadopta“coachingapproach”withemployeesoftenconfusecoachingwithasofter,milderformofproblem-solving,butstillproblem-solvingthattheyareresponsiblefor—it’sjustmoreindirect.Themisconceptionisunderstandable;itarisesfromoldhabitsandexpectations.

Unfortunately,withthisorientation,coaches(ormanagersascoaches)maybecomesofocusedonunderstandingtheproblemortheissuethattheyshifttheirattentionfromtheclienttothe

problem.Inthelongrun,itismorehelpfulforcoachestohelpclients(ortheiremployees)findtheirownwayandmaketheirownchoices.Thisputstheemphasisbackonthepersoninsteadoftheissue.Ascoaches,orasmanagersactingascoaches,weneedtorememberthatwearenotmerelyheretosolveproblems;weareheretohelpclientsoremployeesbecomemoreresourcefulandmorecapableintheirworkandintheirlives.Ourjobistolookforandcallforththisinnerstrengthandcapacityfromourclients.Weworkwithclientstoforwardtheiractionanddeepentheirlearningintheseeverydayissuessothattheycanexperiencethesatisfactionandrewardofabigger,moregratifyinglife.That’swhatitreallymeanstobehelpful.

Ifwearetocallforthourclients,wewillneedtocallourselvesforth,too.Therewillbetimeswhenitiseasierormorecomfortabletoholdback,toplayitsafe,tocoast,tosettleforlessfromourclients.Whenwedothat,webetrayanunspokentrust.Thosearethetimeswhenweascoachesneedtofindthecouragetospeakup,toinsistorchallengeorevendemand,onbehalfofourclients,thattheyliveuptothecapabilitiestheypossessandthatweseeinthem.Weneedtobereadytocallforththebestinpeople,andsometimesthatmeanswestartwithourselves.

CoachingSkillsEachofthefollowingskillsisdesignedtoforwardtheactionanddeepenthelearning.Theskillsrangeineffectfromtameandcollaborativetopowerfulandassertive;allaredesignedtohelpclientsaddresstheissuestheyface.Theskillfulcoachwillknowwhenitistimetoencouragethecreativebreadthof

brainstormingandwhenitistimetolightthedynamiteofchallenging.

GoalSettingWithoutaspecificgoal,therecanbeendlessdrifting,afloatingonthewindsofthisgoodideaandthenthatone.Goalsettinggivesclientsaspecificdirectionandanactionplanformakingsomethingreal.Naturally,thegoalsmayshiftovertimeasclientsmakeprogress,butmovementinthefirstplacestartswithsettingtheirsightsonagoaloroutcome.

Goalsettingfallsintotwomaincategories:first,goalstoreachataspecifictimeinthefutureand,second,ongoinggoals.Agoalforaspecifictimeinthefuturemightbe“sixcompletedprojectsbyDecember31”or“onecompletedprojecteachmonthforthenextsixmonths.”Anexampleofanongoinggoalwouldbe“workingonnewprojectsthreehoursaday,MondaythroughThursday.”

Partofyourroleascoachwillbetohelpclientscreategoalsfromtheirplansandintentions.Splittingthegoalintomanageablepiecesisthefirstbreakthroughforsomeclients.Whereasoncealltheycouldseewasthecontinenttheyhadtocross,afterwardtheyseemanyshortexcursions.

Helpingclientswiththebasicsofgoalsettingcanmakeabigdifferenceintheirsuccess.Thebestgoalsarespecific.Theyaremeasurable,orthereissomewaytotrackormonitorresults.Theyareactionoriented,eveniftheintentionbehindtheactionisqualitative.Forexample,thegoal“thinkaboutmovingtoAlaska”willbestrengthenedbyaction.TheclientcouldbuyabookaboutAlaskaorfindaposterthatfeaturesAlaska.Shemightwriteinherjournalabouthermemoriesof

visitingAlaskaortalktosomeonewholivesthere.Andwhenthereisascheduleinvolved,clientsaremuchmorelikelytotakeaction.

Goalsettingmayseemsofundamentalandobvioustoyouasacoachthatyoutakeitforgranted.Buteventhoughitisfundamental,itsimportanceandvalueshouldnotbeunderestimated.Asacoach,youneedtohaveaclearunderstandingwithclientsabouthowyouandtheywillhandlegoalsetting,lookingforthewaysthatworkbestforeach.

SampleDialogueCoachingprovidesapowerfulstructureforhelpingclientsgetintoaction,stayinaction,andlearnfromtheiraction.Sometimestheactiontheycraveisinaction.COACH:Igotyoure-mail.YoutookWednesdayafternoonoff,justlikeyouplanned.That’sgreat.

Coachee:Itwasweird.COACH:Thewholeafternoon?Coachee:Yeah.Ialmostcalledinformymessages,butIdidn’t.

COACH:Whatdidyoulearn?Coachee:Thattheworlddoesn’tcollapseifI’mgoneforfourhours.

COACH:Usefultoknow.Whatelse?Coachee:ThatIhiredcompetentpeople—peopleIcantrust.

COACH:Anythingelse?

Coachee:Micromanaginggoodpeopleannoysthem.AndittakesuptimeIcouldbeusingtomovethecompanyintonewareas.I’vegottoletgoofcontrolinsomeareas.IalsolearnedIneeddowntimetorecuperate.I’llburnoutlikeaflashfireifIkeepthisup.

COACH:Sowhat’sthenextstep?Coachee:Raisethebar?COACH:Right.Nowthatyou’vehadataste,what’sthestretch?

Coachee:Iactuallyknowwhatitis.IwanttostartplanningavacationforJuly.Maybeevenfortwoweeks.

COACH:Sortoftakesyourbreathaway,doesn’tit?Inordertomakethathappen,whatwillyoudobynextweek?

Client:I’mplanningtovisitatravelagentinourbuildingthisafternoontopickupbrochuresonBaliandBritishColumbia.

BrainstormingTherearetimeswhenevengoodintentionsandstrongdesirecanbestalledbyasimpleshortageofideasforaction.Yes,ofcourse,clientshavetheanswers,aswehavesaid,butsometimesitmaybenecessarytoprimethepump.That’swheretheskillofbrainstormingcomesin.Brainstormingisacreativecollaborationbetweenclientandcoachwiththesolepurposeofgeneratingideas,possibilities,andoptions.Theclientwillsortthroughthepileofideasthataregeneratedandpicktheonesthathavethemostappeal.

Thereareacoupleofgroundrulesthatwillmakebrainstormingworkeffectively.Thefirstisthattherearenobadideas.Don’tworrytoomuchaboutpracticalityatthebrainstormingstage.Infact,ascoach,partofyourroleistosuggestout-of-the-boxideasandoutrageouspossibilities.Clientstendtoproposeideastheyhavealreadythoughtaboutorminorvariationsonthoseideas.Youmaketheprocessmorecreativeandfunbystretchingthenetofpossibilities.Thesecondgroundruleisthatcoachesshouldnotbeattachedtotheirowngoodideasand,aboveall,shouldnotusebrainstormingascamouflageforpitchingtheirownsolutions.

Brainstormingisgenerative,solookforwaystobuildonideas,notjusttaketurnsaddingonemoreideatothepile.Thiscanoftenmakeacommonplacesuggestionintoamorecreativeorpersonaloneforclients.Forexample,ifyourclientsuggestsahalf-daystrategymeetingwithkeyplayers,youmightvolleybackwiththeideaofanoff-siteretreatandstrategymeeting.

SampleDialogueClient:I’malittlestuckhere.Ihaven’tbeenonanactualdateinfifteenyears.I’dliketofindawaytomeetpeople,butIdon’tevenknowwheretostart.Whatdopeopledo?

COACH:Whatwouldyouliketodo?Client:Idon’tknow.Haveyougotanyideas?COACH:Wanttodoalittlebrainstorming?Client:Sure.I’mdesperate.COACH:Okay.Yougofirst.

Client:IusedtogotobarswhenIwasincollege.Idon’tthinkIwanttodothatanymore.

COACH:Somaybeyouwon’tchooseit—butitisanoption.Atthispoint,therearenobadideas,justpossibilities.Okay,thethemeissocialsituations.Whatdoyouliketodoforrecreation?Skiing?Rollerblading?

Client:Hiking.Dayhikes.Almostanythinginnature.COACH:Great.Youcouldjoinahikingclub,oryoucouldstartoneforsingles.What’sanotheroption?

Client:Oneofthosecomputerdatingservices,Isuppose.COACH:Howaboutvolunteerwork?Youplaceahighvalueoncommunityservice.Whatwouldbeanareawhereyoumightvolunteeryourtime?

Client:Theschoolwheremykidsgo.Iwouldliketobemoreinvolvedwiththem.

COACH:Whatothervalueswouldyouliketotapintoasyoucreateopportunitiestomeetpeople?Youmentionednature…andwetalkedaboutcommunityservice…

Client:Whenyousaid“nature,”itmademethinkofgardening.I’msuretherearepossibilitiesthere.

RequestingOverandover,we’veemphasizedthatthisistheclient’sagenda,thattheclientisresourceful,thattheclientknowstheanswersorknowswheretofindthem.Still,itwillbeappropriateattimesforyou,thecoach,torequestcertainactions.Basedonyourtraining,yourexperience,andyourknowledgeofyourclients,you’llhaveasense—usuallybased

onactionsclientsarealreadyconsidering—ofwhatdirectiontheymighttakeformaximumlearning.Yousimplyputtheactionintotheformofarequestsothattheactionisclearandtheclientaccountable.

Forexample:Youandyourclientareworkingonfamilyfinancesandwaysofcreatingorder.Youmightsaytoyourclient,“Thisweek,myrequestisthatyoucreateadetailedmonthlybudgetforpersonalandhouseholdexpenses.Willyoudothat?”Notethatthelanguageofarequesttakesasomewhatspecificform:thereistherequestitselfstatedinawaythatisspecificandmeasurable(theclientcanactuallybeaccountableforsomething),andthereisthequestionattheendthatasksforcommitment.Thisismorepowerfulthansimplyaskingaclienttoworkonfinancesthisweek.Thelanguagedrawsalineinthesandandputstheclientonnoticethatthisisimportantbusiness.Intime,usingthisformat,clientslearnthattakingonarequestisanactofpersonalcommitment,notjustacceptanceofanassignmentfromtheircoach.

Thekeytomakingasuccessfulrequestistonotbeattachedtoit.Themomentyoubecomeattachedtothebrillianceofyourownideaandstartthinkingit’stherightwayfortheclienttogetresults,it’syouragenda,nottheclient’s.Witharequest,therearealwaysthreeviableresponses:yes,no,oracounteroffer.Theclientcanagreetoyourrequest,turndownyourrequest,ornegotiateforsomethingelse.Ifyourideaisturneddown,feelfreetodefenditalittle.Youmightexplainwhyyouthinkitworksandthevalueitwouldhave.Maybetheclientdidn’tunderstandcompletelythefirsttime.Youmightevenprobetomakesurethatthe“no”wasnotsimplyafearreaction.

Iftheclientturnsdownyourrequest,lookforthecounteroffer.Youmightask,“Whatwillyoudo?”Asfarasyou,thecoach,areconcerned,thewholepointissomeformofactionorlearning—andaslongasthathappens,itdoesn’tmatterwhocomesupwiththeactionplan.

SampleDialogueClient:IsupposeI’mlikeeveryoneelsewithaten-yearreunion.I’dlovetoloseabouttenpounds.

COACH:How’syourworkoutprogramgoing?Client:Igettotheclubaboutonceaweek.Iknowit’snotenough.

COACH:We’vetalkedaboutthis.Swimmingiswhatyoulove,right?

Client:Right.Iwasontheswimteamoneyear.COACH:OK.Myrequestisthatyouswimaminimumofthirtyminutesfourtimesaweek.Willyoudothat?

Client:Youknowwhat?I’dratherdofortyminutesthreetimesaweek.Thatsavesmeonetriptotheclub,andit’sthesameamountoftime.

COACH:Howdoyouwanttobeaccountable?Client:I’llmakeitaweeklycheck-instatistic—rightwhenwestart.

COACH:Anythingelseyouwanttoadd?Client:GoforawalkorbikeridewithmywifeorsononSundays.

ChallengingAchallengeasksclientstoextendthemselvesbeyondtheirself-imposedlimits—wayouttotheedgeofimprobability.Ifthechallengeispowerfulenough,itshouldcauseclientstositupstraightandexclaim,“Noway.”Ifthat’stheresponse,youknowyou’reintherightterritory.Yourideaoftheirpotentialismuchbiggerthanthepicturetheyholdofthemselves.Clientsoftenrespondwithadualreaction:exasperationwhenconfrontedwiththeenormityofyourchallengebutalsoasenseofbeingemboldenedbecausesomeonebelievesinthemthatmuch.Mostclientswillflatlyturndownyourchallengebutthenmakeacounteroffer—atalevelhigherthananythingtheywouldhaveconsideredontheirowninitiative.

Ascoach,yousaytoyourclient,“Ichallengeyoutosay‘no’twentytimesadaythisweek—makeitthirty.”Yourclientsays,“Noway.That’simpossible.I’dbefiredanddivorcedinaweek.I’lldotenaday,butthat’smylimit.”Soinsteadofnotbeingabletosay“no”atworkorathome,yourclientwillbepracticingthisessentialskilltentimesaday.Suchisthepowerofthechallenge.

SampleDialogueClient:It’slikeadarkcloudthat’sbeenhangingovermeforthelastsixmonths!

COACH:Thewayyou’vetalkedaboutit,itfeelslikemuchmorethanacloud.You’vebeeninthisdarkmoodforweeks.Yousaidyoufeltlistlessandyou’renoteatingwell…allbecauseofthismanuscriptyouhavetofinish.

Client:Researchpaper.Actually,theresearchisdone.AllI

needtodoiswriteitup.COACH:Whenwillyougetitdone?Client:Atthisrate,Idon’tknow.COACH:Howmanyhourswillittake?What’syourbestestimate?

Client:Hardtosay.Maybethirtyhours—alittlemore,alittleless.

COACH:Ihaveachallengeforyou.Mychallengeisthatyoufinishthepaperbeforewetalknextweek.

Client:Nextweek?That’scrazy!COACH:Couldyoudoitinaweek?Client:Well,yeah.Ifthat’sallIdid.COACH:Whatwillyoudo?Client:I’llworkonaroughdraft.COACH:Excellent.Whatwoulditbeliketobeabletosay,“I’mfinished”inaweek’stime?

Client:Idon’tevenhavethewordsforit.

PuttingStructurestoWorkWeknowthataccountabilityinthecoachingrelationshipisastructure.It’sameansbywhichwecreatefocusanddiscipline.Infact,astructureisanydevicethatremindsclientstobeinactionintheareastheyhavecommittedto.Structuresinterveneineverydaylife,theystandout,theyrequireattention,theyaredevicestokeepclientsontrack.Structurescomeinmyriadforms.Settinganalarmtowakeupisasimpleexampleofa

structure—itremindsyouwhattimeitis:timetogetup!Thereareanendlessvarietyofcreativewaystosharpenfocusandgetintoaction.Differentstructuresappealtodifferentsenses.Somearetactile:wearingthatpowersuittotheboardmeeting.Somearevisual:apictureontheofficedeskofadreamhomeorvacationdestination.Structurescanbeauditory:aspecialpieceofmusicasapersonalsoundtracktohelpcompleteaprojectorenjoyaworkout.

Clientsmakecommitmentstobeinaction,andofteneverydaylifegetsintheway.Thefamiliarroutineoflife,thedemandsoffamilyandjob,eventheclient’sownresistancetochangecanderailgoodintentionsandpersonalpromises.Thepowerofthestructureisthatitremindsclientsandrecallsthemtotheircommitment.

Herearesomeotherexamplesofstructures:

CreateaspecialscreensaverwithathemelineorvisualimagePostnotesaroundtheofficeorhomewithaffirmationsorremindersTrackdailyorweeklyprogresstowardmajorgoalsonawallchartListentoameditationtapeoraudiobookorcreateanaudiofileofyourownpersonalmotivationChooseaparticularpieceofclothing—magicarmor—whenmakingsalescallsLightacandleorburnincensePutaspecialreminderinyourpocket,somethinglikea

smallstoneortoyChangethelightingintheroombymakingitbrighterordimmer,orchangethecolorofthelightCreatedeadlines,suchasinvitingpeopletoyourhouseforapartysothatyouwillfinishpaintingaroomordosomehousecleaningEstablishcreativeconsequencesorrewards

Structuresareawayofsustainingtheactionandlearninginthetimebetweencoachingsessions.Eachclientwillbesomewhatmoreresponsiveindifferentsenseareas.Experimentwithstructurestofindoutwhatworks,andkeepplayingwiththem.Thekeywordhereis“play.”Thereasonforthestructureistoprovidedisciplineandfocusinanareawhereitmaybedifficultforclientstostayontrack.Bymakingstructuresplayful,youincreasethechancesthatclientswillfollowthrough.

Exercises

1.Requesting

Complaintsareoftenuncommunicatedrequests.Inarestaurant,ifyou’vegotacomplaintaboutthedraftblowingdownonyoufromtheoverheadairconditioner,youcansitwithyourcomplaintoryoucanmakearequest.Whenanappropriaterequestismade,actionoftenhappens,andthattakescareofthecomplaint.

Sohere’stheexercise:Makealistoftwenty-fivecomplaintsinyourlife—thingsthatjustaren’tgoingyourway.Theydon’thavetobereasonable.Ifyouhaveacomplaintabouttheweather,writeitdown.ActsofGodarenotofflimitsforcomplaintsorrequests.

Whenyouhaveyourlistoftwenty-fivecomplaints,composearequestthataddresseseachcomplaint.Targetyourrequesttoaspecificpersonwheneverpossible,someonewhohasthepowerandtheabilitytodosomethingaboutyourrequest.Then,forasmanyaspossibleonyourlist,actuallyfollowthroughandmaketherequest.Andremember,therearealwaysthreelegitimateresponsestoyourrequest:yes,no,oracounteroffer.

2.Challenging

Gobackonceagaintothemeta-viewlistoftenfriendsorcolleaguesyoumadeinChapter3.Yourgoalinthisexerciseistowriteachallengeforeachperson,addressingeachone’smeta-viewinawaythatdramaticallyraisesthebar.Youaretryingforactionstepsthatwillmovethesepeopleforwardandprovideextraordinarylearning.Makesureyoucomeupwithtruechallengesthataskthemtogofurtherthanyouknowtheywillgo,sothattheyendupmakingsignificantcounteroffers.

3.Structures

Hereisasimpleandsomewhattypicalsituation:Yourclientismuchtoobusytokeephisofficeclean,yetthechaosthatresultsisseriouslydistractinghim.Ithasreachedthepointofnoreturn.Somethingmustbedone.Yourjobistocomeupwithfifteenstructuresthatwillhelpthispersonstayinactiontogethisofficeorderlyandorganized.

CHAPTER7Self-Management

Thisisthepicturewecontinuetoholdastheideal:youandyourcoachee,100percentconnected.You,ascoach,listeningintentlyatLevelII,following,tracking.AndlisteningatLevelIII,aware,sensing,opentoyourintuitionasyoulettheconversationflowthroughyouandaroundyou.It’sasifyouandthecoacheeareinabubble,asafechamberthatisolatesthetwoofyoufromthedistractionsoftheoutsideworld.That’stheideal.Butsometimes,inthemidstofthisintense,engagedconversation,thephonerings.Orametaphoricalbellgoesoffinyourmind:athought,afeeling.Suddenly,thatprotectivezoneevaporates.Youdisengage,detouredtothatotherthoughtorfeeling.Youaredisconnectedfromyourclient.

Ithappens.Inanygivenconversationwithaclient,itmayhappenmanytimes.Somethinginwhatyourclientsaystriggersadistractingthoughtorreactioninyouorremindsyouofanexperienceinyourownlife,astrongmemory.Theseareveryhumanreactionsthatwillcauseyoutogoawayinyourmindandfeelings,evenifitisonlytemporary.

Itcouldbeacompletelyunrelatedthought:Yousuddenlyrememberyouhaveforgottentomakedinnerreservationsattherestaurantafterpromisingyouwouldhandleit.Thecoachingitselfmightcreateadistraction,suchasamomentofspecialbrillianceorafeelingthatyou’rehandlingthecoachingbadlyandthejudgmentthatgoeswithit.Oryoumaybedistractedby

somethingthathappensintheenvironment:dogsbarking,sirenssounding,astormoutside.Itmightbesomethingonlyyounotice—thewindowisopenandtherainiscomingin,soakingapileofimportantpapers.

Naturally,youwanttocreateanenvironmentandconditionsthatminimizethechancesofthesesortsofdistractions,buttheywillhappenfromtimetotime.Thecontextofself-managementisacombinationofself-awarenessandtheskillofrecovery.Itisanawarenessofyourself,anabilitytonoticewhereyouareorwhereyouhavegoneinrelationshipwithyourclient,anditisabouttheabilitytogetback,toreconnect.

Ultimately,self-managementisanexpressionofyourtotalcommitmenttoyourclient.Onehundredpercentconnectedistheideal.Self-managementiswhatwedoascoachestorecoverwhenconditionscreatelessthana100-percentconnection.

BumpedOffCourseClientsarehuman—whichisanotherwayofsayingtheyaresomewhatunpredictable.Oneofthemostcommonsituationsinvolvingself-managementiswhenacoachingsessiontakessurprisingtwistsandturnsortheclient’scoachingfocuschangesdirectionfromsessiontosession.ThisabilitytoengagewithclientswherevertheyarewhentheyshowupforcoachingissoessentialtobeinganeffectiveCo-Activecoachthatwehavemadeitoneofthefourcornerstones:theabilitytodanceinthismoment.

Thecontextofself-managementalsoinvolvesknowingthedifferencebetweensimplywanderingalongwherevertheclientleadsandholdingaparticularfocuswiththeclient.Asking

yourself,“Arewestillontrackherewiththebiggeragenda?”maytakeyouawayfromtheconversationmomentarily,asifanobserverinyouiswatchingtheconversationunfold.Andyettherearetimeswhenthatmomentarypause—alittleobjectivedistance—isimportantinordertokeepthecoachingontrack.

Itgetstrickierwhenyou,asthecoach,aredistractedbythecontentofthecoachingoreventheagendaitself.Youmayfindyourselfsuddenlyuptoyourearsintechnicaldetailsortheclient’sworkjargon,ortheagendamaycreateadistraction.Youmayevenhavereservationsaboutaplanofactionyourclientwantstotake.Infact,youmaynotalwaysagreewithyourclients’plans,andyettheself-managementcourseistohonortheiractionastheirs:theirstoworkwith,tochangeasnecessary,tofailatcompletelyorsucceedatgloriously,andtolearnfrom,always.Forthesakeofyourownintegrity,youmaydecidetoshareyourreservations,withthecaveatthatyouareofferingyourownexperienceandopinion,notadviceorjudgment.

Thoughtfulawarenessregardingthecontentanddirectionofthecoachingisoneaspectofself-management,butself-managementincludesawholerangeofreactions.Afterall,coachesarehuman,too,andsometimestheconversation,asubjectorjustaword,sparksareactiononthecoach’spart.Yourclientsmaysaysomethingdisparagingaboutwelfaremothersordivorcedmenoranethnicgroup,ortheymayuselanguageyoufindunacceptable.It’sboundtohappenthat,outofallthematerialclientsbringtoyou,somethingwilltriggeryourownpetpeeves,oryourpersonalstandardswillbumpupagainstaclient’scomments.Youcouldbecomejudgmental,ungrounded,evenopinionated.Thisisknownasbeing

“hooked,”asifaverylargehookhadbeeninsertedinyouandyanked.Thereyouare,lostinyourownthoughtsandopinions,atLevelI,andnolongerfocusedonyourclient.

Itcanhappenwhenyouleastexpectit.Forexample,youhaveaclientwhohasbeenpracticingtheskillofsayingno:notoworkinglongovertimehourswithoutbeingcompensated,notounhealthfulsnacksthatdepletehisenergy,notocoworkerswhotakeupvaluabletimewithchitchat,notoaparticularlytoxicrelationship.Progressonthiscommitmenthasbeeninconsistent,butlatelyheseemstobemovingforward.Intoday’scoachingsession,itallcomesapart:hehasagreedtoworkovertimethisweekend,hehasbingedeveryafternoononsnacks,andhe’sdecidedtogivethatrelationshiponemorechance.Youwouldliketobecalm,compassionate,andpatient,butyouhaveseenthisbackslidingonetimetoomany—youcanalsoclearlyseethisclient’sabilityandthepricehepaysforcavingin.Itmakesyoucrazythathecan’tseeitforhimself.Youcanfeelthesteambuildingunderyourcollar,yourheartbeatingfaster.You’vereallyhaditwiththiscrap!

Whoa!Evenifthisangercomesfromthebestpossibleintentionsandyourcaringforthisclient,inthisminute,thesteam,thefrustration,thetemperareindangeroftakingyouaway,breakingtheconnectionbetweencoachandclient.

Theoppositecanalsohappen.Sayyou’vebeenworkingwithaclientforthreemonthsandnothingofconsequencehashappened.Sheisnoclosertohergoalstodaythanonthedayyoutwostartedyourcoachingrelationship.Shekeepsdroningon,repeatingthesamereasonswhyshecan’ttakeaction.You’vetriedeverytechniqueandtrickyoucanthinkof,butitislikepushingwaterupastraw.Todayyourownself-judgment

ishavingafielddaywithyourinadequatecoaching.Youhavefailed;youareinoveryourhead;youdon’thavetheskills;youhavedonenothinginthreemonthstohelpthisdeservingsoulwhoiscountingonyou.Nowyoudon’tevenhavethecouragetoadmititandassistheringettingthehelpsheneedsanddeservesfromanothercoachoratherapist.Meanwhile,asyouarehavingthisself-flagellatinginternalconversation,yourclientisfloundering,maybewonderingwhereyouhavegone.

Thesignalsaretheretosee.Whenyoufindyourselftrappedinself-analysis—defending,judging,feelingannoyed—thealarmbellsshouldbegoingoff.Whenyoufindthatyouarehookedorcaughtupinapersonalemotionalreaction,youarenolongerwithyourclient;youarewithyourownLevelIreactions,thoughts,andfeelings.Youaretrappedinacage,racinginsidethatlittleexercisewheel,goingnowhere.Youneedtofindyourwaybacktoyourclientandreconnect.

ForbiddenTerritorySelf-managementisalsoaboutwhereyoustoporholdbackinyourcoaching.Itwouldbewonderfulifallgreatcoachingcouldhappenwithinthecoach’scomfortzone.Butthereareplacescoachesdon’twanttogo,wheretheyareunsureofthemselvesorareafraidoftheconsequences.

Maybe,incoaching,yousometimesavoidtellingthehardtruthbecauseyoudon’twanttomakewavesorupsetclients—especiallyiftheybecomeunhappywithyou.Maybeyouholdbackbecauseyoudon’twanttoloseaclientoryou’reafraidofrepercussionsintheorganization.Coachesmayholdbackbecausetheydon’twanttoriskoffending,butwhattheyrisk

insteadisalessresourcefullifefortheirclients.Isitpossiblethataclientwillgetupsetandleave?Yes,it’spossible.That’sapricethecoachmustbereadytopayineverysession.Repeat:ineverysession.Theriskswesometimesdon’twanttotakearethesamerisksclientsdon’twanttotake.They’retheverythingsthatkeepclientsfromreachingimportantgoalsandlivingfulllives.Theseareoftenamongthereasonsthatclientscometocoaching.

Takeahardlookattheareasinyourownlifewhereyouareuncomfortableandhaveheldbackinthepast.Chancesarethatthesearethesameareasyouareunwillingtoprobeinthecoachingsessions,regardlessofwhetherornottheyareriskyareasforyourclients.Foryou,theyareblindspots,createdoutofdefensivehabit.Theyareprobablyinvisibletoyoumostofthetime.Maybeonedayyou’llworkthroughwhatholdsyoubackinyourlife,butyoucan’twaitforthattohappenbeforeyouexplorethoseplaceswithyourclients.Maybelonelinessisunbearableforyou,sowhenaclientraisestheissueofloneliness,youquicklyshiftthecoachinginadifferentdirectionandfindsomethingelsetotalkabout.Becauseoftheemotionalchargetheissuehasforyou,youdon’tdothekindofexplorationthatwouldbenefityourclient.Ormaybetheissueistellingthetruthevenwhenyouknowitwilldisappointsomeone,orawkwardnessaroundmoneyorintimacy.Delvingintotheseareasmaybecrucialtoyourclients’actionandlearning.Self-managementisaboutrecognizingthattheseareuncomfortableissuesforyoubutthenexploringthemanywayforthesakeofyourclients.Youmustbewillingtocoachoutsideyourcomfortzone.

Self-JudgmentandGoodJudgmentItisprobablysafetosaythat,asagroup,coachesplaceahighvalueonlearningandgrowth,theirownaswellasthoseoftheirclientsandtheotherpeopleintheirlives.Consequently,coachesoftenhaveahighlydevelopedhabitofself-analysis,whichcansometimesmanifestascrippling,unwarrantedself-judgment.

Self-managementisaboutrecognizingtheself-judgmentgoingoninsideyourbrainandknowingthedifferencebetweenconstructiveanalysisandself-destructivechatter.Thekeyforyouasacoachisthesamekeyyougiveyourclients.First,notice.Makesureyourecorditwellinyourmind.Whatwasthecriticismorobservation,precisely?Beclear,bedescriptive,beattentivetotheexperience.Thenaskyourselfacoupleofquestions:Whatisthetruthinthatforme?What’sinthatformetolearn?Somethinghappenedintherethathookedyouorcausedareaction,andit’sworthpayingattentionto.

Beforeyoutakeontheworstpossibleinterpretationoftheexperience,allowyourselfsomeroomtoreflect.Obviously,thisreflectionissomethingyouwillundertakeoutsidethecoachingsession,onyourown,withacolleague,orwithyourowncoach.It’simportanttorecognizethatthesedisruptiveexperiencesarepartoflearningandgrowingstrongerasacoachandaperson.Themoreadeptyoubecomeatrecognizingandworkingwithyourownself-judgment,themoreyou’llbeabletohelpclientsworkwiththeirs.

Self-managementisalsoaboutknowingwhenyoureallyareinoveryourhead.Whenthatrealizationstrikes,begentlewithyourself.Insuchasituation,themostconstructivethingyou

candofortheclient—andforyourself,bytheway—istoreferhimorhertoanothercoachoranotherresourceforhelp.Peopledon’twanttofeelthatthey’vefailed.Butinsomecases,thebestcourseofaction—andthemostprofessional—istoendtherelationshipfortheclient’ssake.Thisclientmaybebetteroffwithacareercounselororatherapistoramoredetachedcoach.Ifthealliancewon’twork,youcan’tholdittogetheronyourown.Soifyoutrulyfeelyoucannotworkwithaclient,thetwoofyouarebestservedbymovingon.

PracticesLet’sbehonest.Despiteyourbestintentionstoalwaysbepresent,youwilldisconnectfromyourclientsometimes.Itcanhappenforlotsofreasons,somesignificant,sometrivial.Youhappentoglanceatyourdeskandnoticeabillthat’soverdue…somebodyisknockingonthedoor…somethingyourclientjustsaidremindedyouofaveryannoyingconversationwithacoworker.Oneofthemostpowerfulthingsyoucandoatthatmomentistoadmitit:“I’msorry;Ijustwentblankforamoment.Wouldyourepeatwhatyoujustsaid?Imissedthat.”

Admittingthatyoudisappearedactuallycreatestrustandreaffirmsyourcommitmenttoyourclient.Youmaythinkyouhideyourvanishingactfromclients,buttheyoftensenseyourdisappearanceeveniftheydon’tarticulateit.Morethanthat,youmodeltheveracitythatbuildsastrongrelationshipbetweenyouandyourclients.Clientsrespectyourhonestyaboutwhathappened—thatyoudidn’ttrytocoveritup—andseeyouradmissionasawayofsayingthatyouarereallycommittedtothem,nottopretending.

Inordertobepresentandready,manycoacheshavearitualtheyusebeforethestartofthedayorbeforeeachappointment.Itisastructurefororientingthemselvestothecoaching—preparingforclientsinphysical,emotional,mental,evenspiritualways.Thiskindofpreparationisespeciallyimportantwhenyourpersonallifeisgettingthebestofyou.Youareahumanbeingaswellasacoach.Periodically,thingswillhappenthatcancauseyoutofocusyourattentiononyourselfratherthanontheclient.Onthedayyougetstuckintrafficonyourwaybacktotheofficeandarerushing,harried,andanxiousaboutbeingontime,youneedtoclearyourfeelingsbeforespeakingwithyourcoacheesothatyoucanconcentratefullyonthecoacheeandnotonyourtroubles.

Apartfromtheeverydayannoyancesthatmayknockyouoffbalancebeforeacoachingcall,thereisalsothepunchinthesolarplexus.Maybeyoujustreceivedbadnewsaboutafriend:thebiopsyisback,andthelumpiscancer.Oryoujustwalkedoutonadevastatingargumentwithyourpartneroveranissuethatwon’tgoaway.Clearingandgroundingallowyoutobefullypresentincoachingwithoutburyingyourownfeelings.It’snoteasy.Sometimesit’snotevenpossible,andyouneedtotellclientsthatyouhavetorescheduletheirappointments.Yes,youneedtobestrongforyourclients.Grittingyourteethandperseveringwhenthegoingistoughisadmirable—butonlyuptoapoint.Self-managementisaboutknowingwherethatpointis.

OpinionsandAdviceTheurgetogivegoodadviceinserviceofbeinghelpfulisso

strongthatitissometimesnearlyunmanageable.Thisisanothercaseinwhichself-managementisajudgmentcall,notaruletofollow.

Weemphasizethatclientsarenaturallycreative,resourceful,andwholeandthattheydohavetheanswersorknowhowtofindthem.Still,attimesitmayseempointlesstowithholdyourknowledgeorexperiencewhenitisclearlyrelevantandcouldspareclientstime,money,andeffort.Aslongasyouareconscientiousaboutframingtheconversationasyourexperienceandencouragingclientstofindtheirownbestwaywhileexploringanumberofalternativepathways,yourexperiencewillbeseenasonemorepotentialcourseofactionandnotthe“expert’s”way.Inshort,don’tmakeitarulethatyouwillnevershareanopinionorabitofadvice.Self-managementisacontextofdiscretion,alwaysintheclient’sbestinterests.

Thisdiscretionalsoextendstosharingyourpersonalstory.Mostofthetime,it’sbesttokeepyourpersonalstorytoyourself.Asacoach,youhaveadifferentrelationshipwithyourclientsthanyouwouldhaveifyouweretheirfriend.Yourrelationshipinacoachingsessionisdifferentevenfromthosethatclientshavewithcoworkers,colleagues,ormanagers.Theattentioninthecoachingsessionandthecoach’sattentionarebothdirectedtoclientsandtheirlivesandagendas.Inalmostallcases,itisinappropriateandawasteoftheclient’stimeforyoutoshareyourpersonalstory.Wesay“inalmostallcases”quiteintentionally,becausetheremaybetimeswhenalittleofyourstorywillbeimportantinbuildingtrustandrelationshipwithaclient.Thefactthatyouarehuman,notjustananonymous,impersonalresource,willcontributetoward

buildingastrong,Co-Activerelationship.Thekeywordthereis“relationship.”Webelievethata

strongrelationshipcreatestrust,safety,andopenness,anditisthisdeeperrelationshipthatallowsclientstotakethebiggerriskstheyneedtotakeinordertomaketheboldest,life-givingchoices.Butasyoucansee,itleavesroomforinterpretationanddiscretion.Ultimately,intheCo-Activemodel,thedecisionhangsonwhatwillbebestfortheclientinthelongrun.

Wehavedescribedthecontextofself-managementhereprimarilyfromthepointofviewoftheimpactonthecoach,butacoach’sdevelopedsenseofself-managementbenefitsclients,too.Asthecoachmodelstheattributesofself-management,clientsseetheimpact;theylearntobecomemoreawareofwhatishappeninginthemoment,noticingwhentheyhavedisconnected.Theylearntospeakupaboutwhatistrueevenifitmightbeawkward,andtheylearntorecover,toreconnecttotherelationship.Thisbenefitripplesoutbeyondtheircoachingsessionsandintotheirlives,creatingastrongerrelationship.

Infact,justasclientsdevelopbetterlisteningskillsorlearntotrusttheirintuitionmore,theylearn,too—asaresultoftheirimmersionincoaching—aboutself-managementintheirlives.Clientslearntobemoreawareoftheirowninnerexperience,especiallysituationswheretheyhabituallygethookedorderailed.Trainingclientsinthiscontextofself-managementcanhelpthembeawareandquickertorecognizethesesituations,andtheylearntobemoreresourceful.

CoachingSkillsAnumberofcoachingskillsaregenerallyassociatedwithself-

management.Theseskillsunderscorethedynamicsintherelationshipandhelpcoachandclientmaintaintheirindividualstrengths.

RecoveryClearly,themostobviousskillforthiscontextistheskillofrecovery:theabilitytonoticethedisruptionordisconnectionandtoreconnect.Forthecoach,thedisconnectcouldsimplybeacaseofconfusion—losingthethreadoftheclient’sconversation—oritcouldbeamuchstrongeremotionalreactiontothesubjectathandorsomethingtheclientsaid.Therearethreepartstotheskill:noticing,naming,andreconnecting.

NoticeIt.Thisawarenessstepiscrucial.Itisnotnecessarytoknowexactlywhathappenedandiscompletelyunnecessarytoknowwhyorwhatcausedit—atleastinthemoment.Itisimportanttosimplynoticethegap,theshift,thedisconnect.

NameIt.Describewhatjusthappened:“Igotlost”or“Iwasdistractedforaminute.”Thisisoptionalbutencouraged,especiallyasyoubeginpracticingtheskill.Inmostcases,itisbesttonameitoutloudsothatyourclientiscluedintowhereyouare.Itisamazinghowquicklythecoachingcangetbackontracksimplybyrealigningwiththeclient.

Reconnect.Eachpersonwillhaveadifferenttacticforconnecting,andeachsituationmayrequireadifferentprocess.Fundamentally,itistheprocessofturningyourattentionbackovertoyourclient.Findthepartofyourclientyoubelievein,

wantmoreof,caneasilycelebrate.Connectwiththepartofyourclientyouadmireandwanttoseeexcel.

AskingPermissionOneofthemostimportanttechniquesthecoachusestoremindclientsthattheyareinchargeofthecoachingdirectionistoaskpermission:“Mayweworkwiththisissue?”“CanItellyouwhatIsee?”“Wouldyoulikesomefeedbackonthat?”Whenthecoachaskspermission,itdemonstratesthatclientshavepowerintherelationship.Itdemonstrates,too,thatthecoachknowsthelimitsofhisorherpowerintherelationship.Askingpermissionisasignofself-managementonthecoach’spartandallowsclientstotakeresponsibilityformanagingtherelationshipandtheirwork.Clientsarehonoredwhenyouaskpermission;theirboundariesarerespected.Thisisespeciallyimportantwhentheissueyou’dliketoworkonisunusuallyintimateormaymakeclientsuncomfortable:“MayItellyouwhatIseeaboutthewayyou’vebeenhandlingthis?”

SampleDialogueClient:IguessIrealizedthattheplanweworkedoutjustwasn’tgoingtowork.Ihadtoimproviseonthespot…tapdancemywaythroughit.Itwaslikeoldtimes,makingitupasIwentalong.

COACH:Firstofall,there’snothingsacredabouttheplansweworkout.Youstillgettochoosethebestcourseofactionforyou.Itrustthatyouknowwhat’srightandthatyou’llmoveforwardandlearnfromwhateveryoudecidetodo.Sowhatdidyoudecide?

Client:That’sbasicallywhatIdid.Itookaction.Justadifferentcourseofaction.

COACH:Butbeforewemoveon,I’dlikeyourpermissiontogiveyousomefeedbackonthewayyouhandledthesituation—basedonwhatyou’vesaidinthepast.Wouldthatbeokay?

Client:IhaveafeelingImaynotlikeallofwhatIhear.Butyes,ofcourse.Ifthere’sachancetolearnsomethingvaluable,I’mallears.

Bottom-LiningTherearetimeswhenaclient’stellingofhisstorybeginstoexpandandtakeoverthecoachingsession.Ortimeswhentheclientstartswanderingtangentiallythroughstoryafterstory.Sometimesit’stheclient’sstyleofconversing;manytimesit’sawayofunconsciouslyavoidingdifficultordirectconversation.Bottom-liningistheskillofgettingtothepointandaskingtheclienttogettothepoint,too.

Itishelpfulifyoucoverthisskillduringyourearlyworkwithclientssotheyarenotcaughtunawaresthefirsttimeyouaskthemtogettothebottomline.It’snotthattheparticularstoryisn’tinteresting;infact,itmaybefascinating.Butthestoryisthebackground,andinthecoachingrelationship,thebackgroundissecondary.Withthelimitedtimeavailableformostcoachingsessions,theresimplyisn’ttimeforlong-winded,detailedstories.Youneedtocoachtheessence,andaskingclientstogettothebottomlinehelpsthemdiscovertheheartofthematter.

Bottom-liningisalsoanimportantskillforthecoach.As

coach,youshouldnotbetalkingmuch.Yourconversationshouldbebottom-lined.Clientsdothetalking.

SampleDialogueClient:IknowI’mstartingtosoundlikeabrokenrecordonthis,buttherejustwasn’ttimethisweek.Really,I’mnotspinningastoryhere.I’moutoftownoneortwodaysaweek…I’mstillcarryingtheoneeveningclass…Ineedtospendsometimewithmyfamily…

COACH:Sowhat’sthebottomlinehere,Tom?Client:I’mcommittedtohelpingmydadtakecareofMom.Godknowsathisage—andwithhisownhealthissues—hecouldusetheextrasupport.Ijustcan’tseemtoliveuptothetimecommitmenttomakeithappen.

COACH:Whatwillyoucommitto—reallycommitto?Client:Idon’tcontrolthetravel—andbeingoutoftownjustthrowseverythingoff…Idon’tseehow…

COACH:Bottomline,Tom.Whatwillyoucommitto?Client:OK.Oneeveningaweek—somehow.AndIcanusuallycallhimevenwhenI’moutoftown,so,morephonecalls.Iknowheappreciatesit…

ChampioningWediscussedacknowledgmentearlier.Acknowledgmentmeansrecognizingwhoclientshadtobeinordertodowhattheyhavedone.Tochampionclientsissomewhatsimilar,butherethefocusisonsupportingclientsratherthanidentifyingtraits.Youchampionclientsbystandingupforthemwhentheyquestion

theirabilitiesortheircapacitytotakeonthetaskofchallenge.Itisnotemptycheerleading.Asthecoach,youchampionwhatyouknowistrue;clientswillknowifyouaren’tsincere.Whenyou’renotsincere,younotonlydestroytheeffectofthechampioningbutputyourowncredibilityatrisk.Butwhenyoupointoutyourclients’abilities,theirstrengths,theirresourcefulness,andletthemknowyoubelieveinthem,yougivethemaccesstoalittlemoreofthemselves.

Perhapsitisacapacitytheydidn’trealizetheyhadorstrengthstheydon’tgivethemselvescreditfor.Youchampionwhentheroadissteepandtheclientisweary.That’swhenyourechargetheclient’senthusiasm:“Youaresocommittedtothis.Iknowyoucandoit.”Or,“You’veshownoverandoverhowyoucanbecaringandfirm.Youcandoitagain.”Or,“Youhavethecreativegifts—inabundance.Youcandothis.”Championingisanaffirmation.Itisyourcapacitytoseetheircapacity.Itisaformoffuturelooking.Youseethematthefinishline,ontopofthehill,goalsaccomplished.

SampleDialogueClient:It’sagreatopportunity,apositionIreallywant,butit’salsoahugerisk.Goingforit,Icouldenduptheworld’sbiggestgoat.

COACH:TomesswiththeOlympicslogan,Isay,“Goforthegoat!”I’mkidding.Let’sgoforthegold.Whatwillittaketobethegoldmedalwinner?

Client:Tobeabsolutelyhonest,Idon’tthinkIseegoldhere—orsilverorbronze,forthatmatter.I’mnotsureIbelonginthisrace—nowthatI’veseensomeoftheother

candidates.COACH:NowI’mnotkidding.Mary,Iknowyoucandothis.It’saperfectmatchwithyourheart’sdesireandthepathyoulaidoutforyourself.You’vegottheskillstodoit—andthepanachetopullitoff.Ofcourseit’srisky.That’swheretheadrenalinecomesfrom,andthat’swhyitfeelslikeyou’reontheedge.Ijustknowhowyou’veworkedtoprepareforthisopportunity.Iknowyoucandothis.

Client:Iknowyoudo.AnditgivesmeconfidencewhenIdon’thavemuchofmyown.

ClearingClearingisthatvaluableskillofventinginordertobecomepresentandopentothecoaching.Wealreadymentionedclearingforthecoach,whichpreparesthecoachtobepresentforclients.Clearingisvaluableforclients,too,andforthesamereasonswediscussedforcoaches.Clientscallwhenthey’vejustbeenfired,whenabestfriendhasgottenintoaserioustrafficaccident,whentheyjustgotoffthephoneaboutabankoverdraft,whentheylostthebigaccounttothehatedcompetition.Oralternatively,theycallwhentheyhavejustgottenbackfromvacationandtheirmindsarestillfoggedwithpiñacoladasortheeuphoriaofnewfoundlove.

Whenclientsarepreoccupied,itinterfereswiththeirabilitytohaveuseful,in-depthcoachingconversations.Often,theneedforclearingisobvious.Theclientisclearlydisturbed,annoyed,upset,agitatedaboutsomething,andthesomethingisbigandpresent.However,thesignalsthattellthecoachclearingis

calledformayalsobemuted—youdon’talwayshearhugealarmsgoingoff.Theclientmayseemslightlymiffed,orperhapsyousenseaminordisturbanceintheenergyfield.Initially,clientsmaynotevenwanttodiscussit.Butwhenyounoticethattheirnormalcreativeexpressionisblockedorconstrained,youmayneedtopushforclearing.

Inthisexample,yourclientisannoyedaboutsomeinjustice;there’samoodaboutherthatjusthangsintheairlikeanunpleasantodor.Youmightsay:“Youseemreallyblocked.Let’stakeacoupleofminutestogetthisout.Reallycomplain,whine,feelsorryforyourself.Exaggerate.”Thebestthingyoucandoatthispointistohelptheclientclear.Infact,itisimportantthatthecoachrecognizethevolumeofclearingnecessary.Clientsoftenfeelawkwardaboutjustventingandwanttoquitbeforethey’recompletelyclear.Soyoumustreallypushuntilthelastgaspofbadairisout.Makeitagameandkeeppressingformore:“Turnupthevolume.Whatelsehappened?Andthenwhat?Howdidthatfeel?Whatajerk!Tellmemore.”

SampleDialogueCOACH:Youseemdistracted—it’slikewe’rehavingtoworktoohardtostayontrackthismorning.

Client:Iamdistracted.Ilost$2,500yesterdayinastupidstockdeal.Ifeellikeanidiot.

COACH:Itsoundslikeyouneedtoclearthatbeforewecanmoveon.

Client:Ithinkyou’reright.

COACH:Takeaminute.Ventilate.Client:Ifeellikeachump.Worsethanthat,Iconvincedtwoofmyfriendsthatthiswasthesweetestdealinacentury,andtheybothlostmoney,too.

COACH:Ouch.Whatelse?Let’sturnupthevolume.Client:OK.I’mmadatmyselfforgettingsuckedintoan“easymoney”scheme.I’mashamedaboutlookinglikeaneasymark…

COACH:Goforit.Whatelse?Client:I’mafraidmywife’sgoingtoshootme.Iletherandthekidsdown.HowamIgoingtocomeupwithanother$2,500forvacationthissummer?

COACH:Youfeellikeyouletyourfamilydown…Whatelse?

Client:Ishouldhaveseenthisonecoming.COACH:Soyou’vegotajudgment—“shouldhaveseenthiscoming.”Whatelse?

Client:It’saprettyemptyfeeling.COACH:Thereyouareinemptiness.What’snext?Client:IthinkIneedtogetpastthesourfeeling.COACH:Howwillyoudothat?Client:Thisclearingisagoodstart.Ithinkalongwalkwithmywifewillhelp.Thesoonerwedealwiththis,thebetter,andwedolovealongwalk.

COACH:Istheremore?Isthistheissueyouwanttobeworkingontoday?

Client:No,actually,thanksforasking.I’lldothewalktonightifIcan.Inthemeantime,I’vegotsomethingmorepressingfortoday.

ReframingClientsfrequentlygetstuckwithacertainwayoflookingatasituationoranexperience.Theirperspective,moreover,hasamessagethatisinsomewaydisabling.Yourabilitytoreframetheexperienceprovidesafreshperspectiveandasenseofrenewedpossibility.Let’ssayyourclienthadhishopessetonlandingamajorconsultingcontractandjustfoundoutithasbeenputonholdforatleastsixmonths.Naturally,heisfocusedonthedisappointment.Ashiscoach,youpointoutthatitgiveshimthetimehehasbeenseekingtowriteaseriesofarticlesthatcanhelphimlandnewbusiness.Thus,youareabletorecastthisexperienceintermsofhisultimategoals.Usingmuchofthesamedata,youinterprettheexperienceinawaythatincludesmoreoftheclient’slife:thebigpicture.

Reframingislookingonthebrightsideofthings,trueenough,butitismorethanjustbeingperkyfortheclient.Reframingoffersmorethanclichécomfort—asin“Thereareplentyoffishinthesea”or“Tomorrow’sanotherday.”Reframingtakesrealpiecesoftheclient’slifeandshiftstheperspectivetoshowanopportunityorapathwaythatwasn’tapparentminutesbefore.Forexample,yourclientisstrugglingwithcreditcarddebtandtellsyouthatit’shardtomakeprogress,especiallywhenmajorappliancesbreakdownandneedrepair.Youpointoutthatshehasmanagedtochangeherbuyinghabitsandhasregularlypaidheroutstandingbalanceforseveralmonths.Thereframingdoesn’tchangethefactthatitis

astruggle.Butitdoesshowtheclientthatsheisresourcefulandcommitted—andmakingprogress.Reframingchangesthethemefrom“creditcardshavecontrolofmylife”to“Ihavecontrolofmylife.”

SampleDialogueInthiscase,theclientstartswithacertainperspective:Hehaswastedsixweeksdevelopingabusinessplanthatdead-ended.Still,helearnedalotthatwillhelpwithnewbusinessplansandmadeseveralgoodcontacts.Inshort,thereisplentythatispositiveinthisexperience.Andthat’swherethecoachisheaded:toreinforcetheactionandlearningthataccompaniedthiseffort.Client:Absolutelyadeadend.Nownothing.Sixweeksshottohell.

COACH:Youfollowedapaththatlookedverypromisingsixweeksago.Irememberyouwereprettyexcited.

Client:Iwasexcited.COACH:Whatdidyoulearninthosesixweeks?Client:Ilearnedhowtowriteabusinessplan.Notthatitdidmemuchgood.

COACH:Whatelsedidyoulearn?Client:Ilearnedhowtopresentmybusinesstopeopleoutsidemyfield.

COACH:Nontechnicalpeople?Client:Yeah.Bankersandventurecapitalists.COACH:Whatelsedidyoulearn?

Client:IguessIlearnedthatthisissomethingIcando—eventhoughIdon’tenjoyitasmuchasIenjoytheengineering.

COACH:Inthatcase,what’syourassessmentofthelastsixweeks?

Client:IwishIcouldhavehadthesamelearninginhalfthetime.AndnowthatI’vegotthepresentationformatted,andpracticed,Imightaswellkeepgivingittoinvestorsuntilsomebodyseestheopportunityandbacksmyplan.

COACH:Great.Whatdoyouwanttodoaboutthatthisweek?

MakingDistinctionsReframingisonewayofhelpingclientsseeasituationfromafreshperspective.Anotherwayistohelpthempullapartcollapsedbeliefsbymakingcleardistinctionsforspecialcasesinwhichtwofactshavebeentangledintoonelimiting,oftendisempowering,belief.Thebeliefappearstobeafactoflife,andit’snot.

Forexample,let’ssayaclientbelieves—becauseshe’sthemomandthewife—thatsheneedstobetheonewhomanagesthehousecleaning.She’sstuckandfrustratedbecauseshebelievessheisresponsibleandshecan’tseemtomanageitall.Theseparatefactsarethatsheisthewifeandthatthereishouseworktodo.Ashercoach,youhavetheobjectivitytoseethedistinction.Here’sanotherexample:Amanagerbelievesthatbecauseshewantstotreatemployeesfairly,shemusttreateveryonethesame.Shehasequatedfairnesswithtreating

everyonethesame,andthehighperformersinthedepartmentarenothappy.Theybelievethey’veearnedrecognitionandreward.It’stimetohelpthismanagermakethedistinction.Youmightaskaquestionlike,“Howcanyoumaintainfairnessandstillrewardthehighachievers?”Theseareclassicexamplesofcollapsedbeliefsthatneedtobeseparatedsothatclientscanbecomemoreresourcefulaboutselectingoptions.

SampleDialogueCoachee:Iplaneveryweek.Iuseaplanner.ItakethetimeonSundaynighttoplanmyweek.Noneofithelps.ByTuesday,myweekisinashambles.

COACH:Whathappenswhenyoutrytosticktoyourplan?Coachee:Peoplemakerequests.They’vegoturgentthingstheyneedfromme—thingsIdidn’tnecessarilyhaveinmyplan—sowham,it’salloutofkilter.

COACH:Whathappensifyousayno?Coachee:Notinthisorganization.Itdoesn’tworkthatway.Ifyou’regoingtosucceedaroundhere,youhavetomovefast,beflexible,respondtothefirethat’sburning.That’swhattheymeanby“teamwork”inthiscompany.

COACH:Soundslikeyouenduppayingaprettyhighpriceforthat.Italsosoundslikeyou’vegotacoupleofthingstangledtogether.Whatifwetrytoseparatethem?

Coachee:Likewhat?I’mnotfollowingyou.COACH:Youseemtobesaying,“Whenpeoplemakerequestsofme,Ineedtoabandonmyplan.”

Coachee:I’dsaythat’strueinthisorganization.COACH:So…wouldyoubewillingtoplayalongwithmehere?I’dliketofindanalternativepointofview,justtogiveyousomeadditionalperspective.

Coachee:Sure.COACH:Herearethetwofacts:peoplemakerequests,andyouhaveaplan.Inthepast,you’vesaidyestotherequestsautomatically.Whatwouldbeanotherwaytodealwithrequests?

Coachee:IcouldpostponesayingyesbytellingpeopleIhavetocheckmycalendarfirst.

COACH:Good.Whatwouldbeanotherway?Coachee:IsupposeIcouldlearntosaynosometimes.

Exercises

1.Self-Management

Whereareyoulikelytogethookedinthemidstofacoachingconversation?Whereareyoumostlikelytoneedself-management?ListtenthingsyourclientmightsaythatwouldpullyoutoLevelI.Forexample:“Idon’tthinkyou’relisteningtome.”Next,listtenthingsyoucandotoreturntothecoachingconversationandstaydetached.

Gettoknowyourcoachingself-judgments.Wheredoyouautomaticallyfindfaultwithyour

coaching?Themoreawareyouareofthesejudgments,thelesslikelyyouaretobehookedbytheminthemiddleofacoachingcall.

Whattopicsaremostuncomfortableforyou?Whichtopicsmakeyoufeelinadequate,inexperienced,orsimplyuncomfortable?

2.Championing

Pulloutthatlistoftenfriendsorcolleaguesonemoretime.Call,write,ore-mailthemastheirchampion.Here’sthekey.Yes,youbelievetheycando“it”—whatever“it”isforthem.Thequestionforyouascoachisthis:howdoyouknow?That’swheretheessenceofchampioninglives.Thereisreason,thereisevidence—youknowtheycanbecause:____________.Fillinthatblank.Thenletthemknowtheycandothethingstheyneedtodo.Withouttheclearsenseofhowyouknow,championingsoundslikemereflattery,empty.Whenyougrounditinwhatyoualreadyknow,thebeliefinthemcanstandtall.

3.Clearing

Trainafriendoracolleagueintheskillofclearingsothatheorshecanclearyou.Yourpartner’sjobistoencourageyoutogodeeper,toturnupthevolumeuntilyoureachthebottomofwhateveritisyouaretryingtoclear.Thispersondoesn’tneedtounderstandwhat’sgoing

onwithyou;thepointistopromptyoutovent,likecheeringanathletetothefinishline.

Thenselectanareaofyourlifewhereyouneedclearingandprocesstheclearingexercisewithyourpartner.Whenitisover,talkwiththatpersonormakenotesaboutwhathappenedasyoubecameclear.Whathappenedtothe“charge”whenyouallowedyourselftoexpressitcompletely?

PART3Co-ActiveCoachingPrinciplesand

Practices

IntheCo-Activecoachingmodel,wewouldsaythatthedeepermotivationbehindallcoachingistheclient’sdesireforfulfillment,balance,andprocess—whatwecallthethreecoreprinciples.Thecoachee’scurrentcoachingissue—whateveritis—isawaytoexpandtheexperienceofthesecoreprinciples.

Inthissectionofthebookwedescribeeachcoreprinciple,describethepracticesassociatedwithcoachingthoseprinciples,andprovideexercisesandexamplesforcoaches.Part3concludeswithanintegratedoverviewofcoachingpracticesandavisionoftheimpactcoachingcanmakeinthelivesofthepeopleittouches.

CHAPTER8Fulfillment

Thinkaboutyourownlifeforamoment.Whatisyourvisionofareallyfulfillinglife?Whatwouldthatbelike?Whateveranswercomestomind,noticethatthequestiontakesyoudeeperthansimplyasking,“Whatdoyouwant?”ThisgreaterdepthisthereasonthatfulfillmentisoneofthethreecoreprinciplesinCo-Activecoaching.

Let’sbehonest.Mostpeopledon’tcometocoachingsaying,“WhatIwantisamorefulfillinglife”—atleastnotinthoseexactwords.Usually,theyhavesomethingmuchmorespecificandurgentattheforefrontoftheirminds.Andyet,underneaththatimmediateagendaisayearningforsomethingevendeeper.Afulfillinglifeisalifeofmeaning,purpose,satisfaction.Webelievethatthisyearningislikethekeelofaboatinthelivesofyourclients;itistheshapeoftheirlivesbeneaththesurfacethatkeepsthemoncourse.Withoutthatkeel,aboatwilldriftandshiftdirectionsonthevagariesofthewind.Oneofthemostvaluablethingswedoforclientsistohelpthemgetclearaboutthatverypersonalshapeoffulfillment.Withthatinplace,theycantaketheirlivesinanydirectiontheychoose.Andthetoolsoffulfillmentcoachinghelpclientsfindthatshape.

Itsoundssimpleenough.Butinourexperience,ittakestremendouscourageandcommitmentonthepartoftheclienttoreallychooseandkeepchoosingacourseoffulfillment.Theworldweliveinisdesignedtosqueezepeopleintoboxes—oftenverycomfortableboxes,butboxesnonetheless.Choosing

tocreateatrulyfulfillinglifeisalmostcertaintoupsetthestatusquoandcreateripplesinthepond.That’sthenatureofsettingfulfillinggoalsandgettingintoaction.It’simportantforcoachestounderstandthescaleandimpactoffulfillmentastheybegintheirworkwithclients.

TheHungerforFulfillmentPartofthedifficultyincreatingafulfillinglifestartswithwhereclientshavetheirattention.Astheylookforwaystohaveamorefulfillinglife,theylookatwhattheyhave…andwhattheydon’thave…andseeagap…andthenlookforsomethingtofillthegap—somethingthatwillmaketheirlivesmorefulfilling.That“something”canbetheobvious:ahigher-payingjob,avacationhome,asuccessfulbusiness.Thesearchcanalsofocusongettingthingsthatarelesstangible:aromanticdatingrelationshiporapromotion.Unfortunately,havingthingsismomentary,andthesatisfactionisfleeting.Youknowthatfromyourownlife.Thinkofsomethingyoureallywantedtohave.Thinkaboutthemomentofecstasywhenyouacquireditandhowquicklytheglowbegantofade:sixmonthsafterthenewcarorthenewpromotionorthenewrelationship.Aslongaswecontinuetolookforwaystohaveafulfillinglife,wearelikelytobetemporarilyfilledandconstantlyhungry.

ToBeFulfilledCo-Activecoachingcreatesadifferentframeforfulfillment.Itasksclientstolookatwhatitwouldtaketobefulfilled.Andnotjust“somedayinthefuture”whenthegoalisreached,buttoday,becausefulfillmentisavailableeverydayofourlives.

ThatisthestandwetakewithCo-Activecoaching.Ofcourse,envisioningafuturethatisevenmorefulfillingisbyitselfafulfillingexercise.Workingtowardgoalsthatmakethevisionrealisalsofulfilling.Thepointisthatfulfillmentisanexerciseofchoiceandnotsomethingthatwillhappensomeday.

Partoftheconfusionaboutfulfillmentisinthelanguage.Weknowwhatitmeanstobe“full”andwethinkfulfillmentisastatewewilleventuallyreach:filled,cappedoff,finished.Instead,fulfillmentisaparadoxinthatwecanbefilledtodayandfilledagaintomorrow,maybeeveninadifferentway,andthenbefilledagainthenextdayandthedayafterthat.Itisdisillusioningtotrytocapturefulfillment.“Having”fulfillmentisliketryingtobottledaylight.

Thisdoesn’tmeanthatyourclientswillstopwantingtohavethingsintheirlives.Clientswillstillwanttohavethings:asuccessfulbusiness,moremoney,romanticrelationships.Butthesethingsaretheexpressionsoftheirfulfillment.Theyarenotfulfillmentitself.

FeelingGoodIsNotaSignThisisanimportantdistinction.Weoftenconfusebeingfulfilledwithfeelinggood.Thetwoconditionsmaycoexist,butthatisnotnecessary.Inastateoffulfillment,there’softenasenseofeffortlessness—ofharmonyandcongruencewiththegreatlawsoftheuniverse.Butfulfillmentcanalsoexistwhenlifeisdifficult,challenging,oruncomfortable.Somepeoplewillsaythatthetimeswhentheyfeltmostfulfilledweretimeswhentheyhadtheleast,whenlifewasastruggle.Theyweredoingwhatwasimportanttothem—thingsthatclaimedtheirpassionandcommitment.There,inthemidstofscarcity,life

wasabundant.Perhapsthesimplicityofthetimegavethemaclearerpictureofwhatwastrulyvaluableandfulfillingforthem,buttheirsenseoffulfillmentwasnotaboutfeelinggoodorbeinghappyallthetime.Livingalifeofpurpose,mission,orservicecanbeintense,sometimesheartbreakingandexhausting,andatthesametimeenormouslyfulfilling.Theparadoxoffulfillmentisthatitispossiblebothtohaveasenseofinnerpeaceandtoexperienceanouterstruggleatthesametime.

ToBeAliveInfact,describingfulfillmentmaybeassimpleasthis:Fulfillmentisaboutbeingfullyalive.Fulfillmentisthestateoffullyexpressingwhoweareanddoingwhatisrightforus.Clientshaveasenseofthatfeeling.Theydescribeitaswholeness,satisfaction,asenseofrightnessandharmony.Awordweuseforthisfeelingis“resonance.”Lifeisvibratingatafrequencyatwhicheverythingwemostvalueisinalignment.Wefeelitinthechoiceswemake.Thevibrationinthemomentmaybeverydramatic,thunderous,exciting,edgy.Oritmaybestill,serene,pastel,intimate.Itmightbeauniquecombinationofallofthosequalities—defyingphysicsandourmetaphors.Buttheclientwillfeeltheresonance.Thepiecesoftheirlivesorcareerscometogetherinaverypersonalsenseofwholenessandoffeelingveryalive.Itmaybeexperiencedthroughdoingmeaningfulwork,feelingwellused,contributing,givingandreceiving,playingtowin,beingintheflow,creative,expressed.Itisanexperienceofbeingcomplete.

Big“A,”Little“a”

Thebigandlittle“a’s”refertothefirstletterintheword“agenda.”InCo-Activecoaching,weseeanagendathatisalwaysonthetableevenifitisnotalwaysarticulated.Thisisthebig-“A”agenda,anditisattheheartofthecoaching:itistheclient’sfull,resonantlife.Thisisalifethatislivedfromtheclient’svalues.Itisindynamicaction,balancingtheclient’sprioritiesinlife,anditislivedfullyineachmoment.Clientsarecompletelyintheprocessofliving.Thereisanunderlyingquestionthatcoachandclientarealwaystunedto,evenifitisnotalwaysstated:Whatdoyouwantyourlifetobe?Inthisquestion,theemphasisisonthe“being”state.

Thereisalsoanongoingconversationaboutactionandthedoingoflife;otherwise,coachingwouldbenothingmorethanveryinterestingconversation.Actioniswhereclientsmakethatfulfillinglifereal.Thisisthelittle-“a”agenda.Notlittlebycomparisonorinimportance,andcertainlynottobeminimized.Thisissimplyaconvenientwaytotalkaboutbothaspectsoffulfillment.Bothareessential.Thelittle-“a”agendaconsistsofgoals,action,andaccountability.Witheachcoachingsession,thereisanissuetoworkon,planstomake,goalstodefine,andaccountabilitytocreateactionandlearning.Infulfillmentcoaching,welookfortheclient’sbig-“A”agendawithquestionssuchas,Whatisyourvision?Whoareyoubecoming?Whatispresentwhenlifeismostaliveforyou?

Inthismodel,thelittle-“a”agendaleadstofulfillingthebig-“A”agenda.Thatiscrucial.Partofthecoach’sjobistoholdthismeta-viewforclients,probingtomakesurethattheactionbeingcontemplatedisalignedwiththeclient’sresonant,fullyalivelife—andnotmotivatedbycircumstances,fear,oracorruptedsenseofduty.

FulfillmentandValuesImagineyoucoulddowhatbringsyouthegreatestjoyordeepestsatisfaction:bewiththepeopleyoulove,useyournaturaltalents,exploityourgiftstotheirfullest.Thatwouldindeedbefulfilling.Itisapictureofapersonlivingaccordingtowhatshevaluesmost.

Thelinkbetweenvaluesandfulfillmentissoobviousthatitmaybeoverlooked.Helpingclientsdiscoverandclarifytheirvaluesisawaytocreateamapthatwillguidethemalongthedecisionpathsoftheirlives.Whenyouclarifyvalueswithyourclients,youlearnmoreaboutwhatmakesthemtick:what’simportantandwhat’snot.Clientsdiscoverwhatistrulyessentialtothemintheirlives.Thishelpsthemtakeastandandmakechoicesbasedonwhatisfulfillingtothem.

Honoringourvaluesisinherentlyfulfillingevenwhenitishard.Ifauthenticityisaveryhighvalueforyourclients,theymayfindtherearetimeswhentheymustsufferdiscomfortinordertoliveaccordingtothatvalue.Thediscomfortwillpass,andasenseofintegrityorcongruencywiththeirvalueswillremain.Whenthatvalueisnothonored,however,theclientfeelsinternaltensionordissonance.Becausehumanbeingsareflexibleandresilient,itispossibletoabsorbatremendousamountofdiscordandkeepgoing,butthereisaveryhighpricetopay—asenseofsellingoutononeself—andtheresultisalifeoftolerationorbetrayalratherthanfulfillment.

Values,NotMoralsorPrinciplesValuesarenotmorals.Thereisnosenseofmorallyrightorwrongbehaviorhere.Valuesarenotaboutmoralcharacteror

ethicalbehavior,thoughlivinginahighlyethicalwaymaybeavalue.Valuesarenotprincipleseither,likeself-governmentorstandardsofbehavior.Valuesarethequalitiesofalifelivedfullyfromtheinsideout.Thereisnothinginherentlyvirtuousinyourclient’svalues.Whatistobeadmiredisnotthevalueitselfbutyourclient’sabilitytolivethatvaluefullyinhislife.Whenwehonorourvaluesandthechoiceswemakeinourlives,wefeelaninternal“rightness.”It’sasifeachvalueproducesitsownspecialtone.Whenweliveourvalues,thevarioustonescreateauniqueharmony.Whenwearenotlivingourvalues,thereisdissonance.Thediscordcangetsoextreme,sojarring,thatitcanbecomeliterallyunhealthy.

Becauseourlanguageisimprecise,it’softeneasiertoclustervaluesthantotrytoinvestallthemeaninginasingleword.Thus,wemightseparateaseriesofvalueattributeswithslashmarkstoindicateagroupingofvaluewordsthatcommunicatesacompositesense.Forexample,freedom/risktaking/adventureisdifferentfromfreedom/independence/choice.

Inpractice,thewordsarenotasimportantastheclient’sabilitytofeeltheimpactofthatvalue.Allofthesevaluesorvalueclusterswillbeuniquetoeachperson.Justasourphysicalfeaturesgiveusouruniqueappearance,thearticulation,prioritization,andclarityofourvaluesdetermineourindividualidentity.It’snotevenimportantthatyou,ascoach,understandexactlywhatclientsmeanbythewordstheychoose.Itisenoughthatclientsareclearaboutwhatthewordsrepresent,sowhentheyfindthey’reofftrack,thewordingoftheirvaluescanhelpsetthembackoncourse.Infact,theclient’sownuniquemetaphororexpressionveryoftenisbetter

thanthecommonvocabularyatcapturingthesenseofthevalue.Clientsmayhavevalueslikethese:Coyote/wilddancer/mischiefmakerLuminous/chenille/lavenderStandingovation/goingforit/buzzerbeater

Valuesareintangible.Theyarenotsomethingwedoorhave.Money,forexample,isnotavalue,althoughmoneyasaresourcecouldleadtohonoringvaluessuchasfun,creativity,achievement,peaceofmind,servicetoothers.Travelisnotavalue.Gardeningisnotavalue.Butbothareexamplesofcherishedactivitiesthathonorcertainvalues,includingadventure,learning,nature,spirituality.Andyet,althoughvaluesareintangible,theyarenotinvisibletoothers.Youcanwalkintoaroomofstrangersandgetasenseofwhatpeoplevaluebywhattheywear,howtheystandintheroom,howandwithwhomtheyinteract,andthetopicsoftheirconversations.Youcansensethevaluesintheroom:power,friendship,intimacy,connection,independence,fun,andmore.Ascoach,youwillbeabletohelpclientsclarifytheirvalues

asyouhearabouttheirlives,theiractions,thethingstheychooseanddon’tchoose.Youwillseethemwhentheyhonortheirvaluesandwhentheydon’t,andyouandyourclientwilllearnsomethingeitherway.Thisisoneofthereasonsyouwillreturntothevaluesclarificationprocessfromtimetotime.

TheValueofValuesClarificationThemosteffectivewaytoclarifyvaluesistoextractthemfromtheclient’slifeexperience.Askclientstodescribethevalues

theyseeintheirownlives,perhapsclusteredtogether,usingtheirownwords.Almostanylifesituationcanbeusedtomineforvalues,butthosethathaveastrongimpact,eitherpositiveornegative,areespeciallyproductive.Thisway,valuesrisenaturallyoutoftheclient’slifeinsteadofbeingselectedoffachecklist.Whenclientsarepresentedwithalist,theyareoftentemptedtogoshoppingforvalues:“Thiswouldbenicetohave…peoplewouldadmirethis.”Becausepeopletendtojudgetheirvalues,theyoftenlistvaluestheythinktheyshouldhave,likespiritualityorintegrity,andexcludetheonesthatsocietysaysarenotsoadmirable,suchaspersonalpowerandrecognition.

Valuesareeitherpresentinorabsentfromthechoicesclientsmakeeveryday,whichmeansthatanygivendailyactivitycanbelinkedtoavaluehonoredoravaluebetrayed.Ascoach,youmightask,“Whereisthisvalueshowingup?”“Whatvaluesdoyousometimesneglect?”“Whicharethevaluesyouwillnotcompromise?”Onceyouhaveworkedwithaclienttodevelopapersonallistofvalues,anotherfruitfulexerciseaskstheclienttoprioritizethevalues,rankingthetoptenfromthemostimportantondown.Theoutcomeoftheexercise,aprioritizedlist,isnotasimportantastheprocessitself.Clearly,theclientisfreetochangetheorderofitemsonthatlistanytime.Theprioritizingexerciseforcesclientstofeeltheuniquequalitiesofeachvalueand,bysortingthevaluesinaparticularorder,tofeelthespecialimportanceofeachone.Somecoachessetthestagebymakingitakindofgame:“Ifyoucantakeonlytenvalueswithyouintoastrangeandpossiblydangerousterritory,whicharetheonesyouabsolutelymusthave?”Byfurtherraisingthestakes,clientsraisetheir

ownawarenessaboutthevaluesthatmostmatterintheirlives.Thenextstepistoaskclientshowtheyarehonoringthese

valuesonascaleof1to10,with1meaningthevalueisnotatallpresentintheirlives,and10meaningitishonoredcompletelyallthetime.Therearealmostcertaintobevaluesthatarerankedat4,5,or6insomeimportantaspectoftheclient’slife—mostlikelyaplacewherethereisupset,anger,orresentmentbecausetheimportantvalueisgettingsquashed.It’sagreatopportunityforcoaching:“What’sthatabout?”“Whatwouldittaketolivethatvalueinthosecircumstances?”“Whatisthepriceyoupayfornothonoringthatvalue?”“What’sstoppingyou?”

CoachingFulfillmentAsyoucansee,fulfillmentisintenselypersonal;itisalsoconstantlyevolving.Whatwasfulfillingatagetwenty-fivemayhavelostitsfascinationbythirty-five;theempire-buildingpassionofthirty-fivemaygivewaytoasearchforinnerpeacebyforty-five.Itisimportanttohelptheclientdevelopaclearpictureofafulfillinglifeasitistoday.Tothatend,thereareanumberofpracticalwaystohelppeopleclarifytheirpersonaldefinitionsoffulfillment,andyoucancontinuetousethesetoolsinanongoingrelationshiptorefinethatvision.(Formoreinformationaboutspecifictools,seetheCoach’sToolkitonlineathttp://www.coactive.com/toolkit.)

FIGURE4WheelofLife:Fulfillment

LevelofSatisfactionForabig-picturesnapshotofwheretheclientisintermsoffulfillmentonanygivenday,theWheelofLife(seeFigure4)isaveryeffectivedevice.Asyouandtheclientlookateachareainthewheel,discussthestateoftheclient’sfulfillment,onascaleof1to10.Askhowfulfilledsheisintheareaofmoneyorrelationshipsorhealthandwellness,forexample.Orwhatafulfilledlifewouldbelikeintheareaofcareer.Noticethatyouarenotaskingwhattheclientneedstohaveinordertobefulfilledinhercareer.Thequestionis,Whatwouldittaketobefulfilled?Thenkeepprobinginthatdirection.Whatevercomesup,followitwith,Whatelse?orTellmemore.Theideaistouncoverdeeperanddeeperlevelsofmeaningand,fromtimetotime,toclarifywhatyouhearandplayitbacktoyourclientssotheycanhearwhatthey’resaying.Forexample:Iheardyousayyou’dlikeasenseofsecuritywhenitcomestomoney—asense

thattherewillbeenoughinanemergency.Itsoundslikesecuritymightbeavalue.Isthatright?

UsingtheWheelofLife,clientswillseeforthemselvesthepartsoftheirliveswheretheyareunfulfilled.Withyourhelp,clientswillgothroughaprocessthatallowsthemtodefinewhatfulfillmentmeanstothem.Forexample:Inhealthandwellness,yousayyoursenseoffulfillmentis6.Whatwouldittaketoraisethat6to10?Whatwillyoudotomakeitfulfilling?

ValuesandDecisionMakingIncoaching,valueshelpdeterminethe“rightness”ofchoices.Theyalsoilluminateunfortunatechoices.Clientscanlookbackoverdecisionsthey’vemadeandseewheretheirvalueswerehonoredorwereignored.Foryouascoach,knowingtheclient’svaluesisatremendousadvantage.Youcanquicklyseehowcertaincoursesofactionwillbeblessedwithasenseofflowandeasebecausetheactivitiesarecongruentwiththeclient’svalues.Byknowingwhentheclient’svaluesarenotbeinghonored,youcanalsoseethepotentialiceberginfrontoftheTitanic.

Avaluesconversationcanbeveryusefulatanydecisionpoint.Asclientschoosevariousactionsteps,theirvaluesbecomealitmustestforaction:Willthisactionmoveyouclosertolivingyourvaluesorfurtheraway?Ifyoumakethisdecision,whatvalueswillbepresent?Whentheclientisconsideringanimportantlifedecision,askhowthiscourseofactionwillhonorthetoptenvaluesandtowhatextent.Adecisionbasedontheclient’stopvalueswillalwaysbeamorefulfillingdecision.Itmaynotbetheeasiestorthemost

enjoyable.Itmayrequiresacrificeandevenhaveuncomfortableconsequences.Butonbalance,overtime,itwillbethemostfulfilling.

Wehaveseentheoppositetoooften.Againandagain,clientshavemadedecisionsbasedontheirbankbalanceortheirfearofcreatingdiscomfortortheirworryaboutothers’displeasure.Theydecidebasedonwhatiseasiestatthemomentorwillmakethefewestwaves.Suchdecisionsneverworkoutfortheclients’fulfillmentbecausetheyhavesoldoutonthemselvesandtheirvalues.(SeetheCoach’sToolkitathttp://www.coactive.com/toolkitformoreonvaluesclarification.)

FulfillmentandLifePurposeAlifepurposestatementisanotherwayofcapturingtheessenceofwhatitmeanstobefullyalive—livinglifeintentionally,makingchoicesthatincreasethevalueoflifetoone’sselfandtoothers.Creatingalifepurposestatementislikestandingonthetopofatallhill:clientsseetheirlifeinalargercontext.Theyask,Whatismyuniquecontributiontomyfamily,mywork,mycommunity?WhatdifferencedoImakewithmylife?Livingalifethatincludesfollowingapurpose-directedpathisdeeplyfulfilling.Inthisway,fulfillmentreachesoutbeyondtheone,andyetloopsbacktoenrichthatonelife.

Therearemanywaystoelicittheclient’slifepurpose,andthereismorethanonewaytodescribethisdefinitionofwhatourlivesareabout.Somecallita“missionstatement”ora“visionstatement.”Itgetstotheheartofwhataperson’struelifelegacywillbe—thedifferencethislifewillmakeforthe

planet.Thelifepurposeisapath,notadestination.Andalongthe

way,clientswillencounterplentyofvoices,internalandexternal,tellingthemtogoinotherdirections.Sometimestheywilllisten,especiallywhentheyareunsureoftheirpurpose.Findingandclaimingalifepurposegivesclientsapowerfulsenseofdirectionfortheirlives.Thetruththeyfindinthelifepurposestatementcanmakethemvirtuallyunstoppable.

Definingone’slifepurposeisaprocessthatusuallytakestime.Itcaninvolvepersonalreflection,reading,keepingajournal,orinterviewingothers.Findingtheonestatementthatringstruerequirespeelingbackthelayersuntiltheclientreachesthestatementthataddressesthecentralquestionsofhisorherlife:WhatisthehungerIamheretofeed?WhereisthepainIcanease?WhatistheteachingIamcalledtodo?WhereisthebuildingIhavethetoolstoaccomplish?

Lifepurposeisaboutclientsusingtheirtalentsaswellastheuniquelearningoftheirlives,theirexperience,andtheirwisdom.Afulfilledlifeisonetheyareabletolivewithpurpose—intentionally,notbyaccident.(AnumberofexercisesintheCoach’sToolkitonlinearedesignedtohelpclientsclarifyalifepurposestatement.)

Thelifepurposestatementhasvalueincoachingbecauseitfocusesattentiononafullyalive,fullyexpressedfulfillinglife.Thecoachingthatgoesintocreatingthelifepurposestatementisrichwithself-discovery,valuesclarification,andvision.Clientsarechallengedtouseallthetalentstheyhavebeengiven.Itisalsoafruitfulplaceforacknowledgmentwhenclientsmakethesometimesdifficultdecisiontofollowtheirpurposeinsteadoftakingtheeasierway.Livingalifeof

meaningandpurposeisarareaccomplishmentindeedandinonesenseistheverydefinitionoffulfillment.

DissonanceWhenyouarehonoringyourvaluesregularlyandconsistently,youmightsayyouhaveaformulaforlivinghappilyeverafter.Inthatcase,whydon’twehonorourvaluesallthetime?Thereareahundredvariationsontheanswertothatverygoodquestion.Acommonthemeisthatourfearisstrongerthanourdesireforfulfillment.Thatfear,whichleadstoself-sabotage,comesinavarietyofguises.

Ifaclientisnotmakingchoicesbasedonhisvalues,thentheeffectwillbesomeformofdissonance.Itcanbefrustration,boredom,indifference,anger,resignation,orpersistentjustificationforacourseofactionthatlooksverymuchlikeself-betrayalormartyrdom.Asacoach,youwillbeabletosenseitintheair.Itmayhavetheacridsmelloffear,oritmaybemaskedinthefragranceoffloweryrationalizations.AsyouuseyourLevelIIIawarenesstolistenbetweenthewords,youwillfeelthedissonance.Itmaybeadisturbanceintheforce—somethingisnotquiteright.

Clientsmaybelievethatthisvoiceistryingtoprotectthemfromdanger,lossofrelationship,acatastropheofsomekind.Thevoiceistheretokeepclientsfromtakingunsaferisks,butitisoftenovercautiousatatimethatcallsforrisksforthesakeofchangeandamorefulfillinglife.Thisdissonantvoiceisthevoiceofaninternalsaboteur.Thesamevoicemayreciteanoldlitanyofjudgments,rules,andlimitingbeliefs.Itsaysthingslike“Youaren’tworkinghardenough,”“Youshouldbefurtheralonginyourcareer,”“Youdon’tdowellontests”—you’renot

smartenough,attractiveenough,wealthyenough,experiencedenough,oldenough…you’renotenough.Oritcouldbetheopposite:You’retooold,bald,frumpy,young,aggressive,introverted,extroverted…you’retoomuch.

Mostofthetime,thisvoiceoperatesquietlyinthebackground,influencingchoicesandlobbyingforitspreferredcourseofactionorinaction.Beawarethatwheneverpeopletaketheinitiativetochangetheirlives,analarmsounds,andthesaboteurwillawaken.Expectit.Youcanevenforewarnyourclients.

FulfillmentandtheCoach’sRoleFulfillmentsoundssogood—likeareallygreatmeal—satisfying,tasty,andultimatelyfilling.Andyetthepathtofulfillmentcanbedifficult,unfamiliar,andscaryforclients.Choosingtoliveourlivesbasedonourvaluesisnotwhatsocietyhastaughtustodo.Itisnottheeasy,well-troddenway.Mostofussettleforwhatwecanhave.Wemakechoicesbasedonwhatotherswant,whatwouldbeeasiest,whatwouldcausetheleastdiscomfort.Wetolerate.Wecompromise.Wegiveup.It’snoeasytasktogetonthetrackforfulfillmentortostayontrackafterthatpathhasbeenchosen.Thisiswhyweemphasizethatchoosingafulfillinglifeisaradicalact.

Thecoach’sroleistochallengeclientstopursuetheirfulfillment,inspiteofthecircumstances,inspiteofthevoicesallaroundthemofferingbadadviceandcontraryagendas,andinspiteoftheclient’sowninnersaboteur.Evenwhenclientsdon’twanttogothere,yourjobascoachistobeoutfront,encouraging,pointingthewaytoalifefullylived,alifethatis

valuedandwithoutregret.Rememberthatthisbig-“A”agendais,atthecore,themostlife-givingchoiceclientscanmake.Whateverresultsclientsachieveontheirgoalsandplans,thisisthetruesatisfactionforthemandthecoacheswhoservethem:thatattheendoftheday,thereismorelifeineachday.

CHAPTER9Balance

IntheCo-Activemodel,balanceisoneofthethreecoreprinciplesbecauseitisfundamentaltothequalityoflife.Atleast,ifyouaskclients,that’swhattheysay.Overandoveragain,clientstellusthattheywantmorebalanceintheirlives.Thisissueofbalanceexistsontwolevels:theunderlyingqualityoflifeandtheday-to-dayexperience.

Inthebigpicture,fulfillmentisaboutlivingalifethatisvalued,purposeful,andalive,andbalanceisaboutchoosingalifethatisinaction,alignedwithacompellingvision.Whenitcomestobalance,whatclientswantistheabilitytojugglethepreciousprioritiesoftheirlives.Theywantmoretoolstomanagetheiractivitiesandrelationshipssothattheserelationshipsandactivitieslineupandmoveforward.Clientswanttobemoreempoweredandlessatthemercyofcircumstancesandotherpeople’sexpectationsanddemands.Theywanttofeeltheyarechoosingtheirlife,notjustreactingtoit,buttheydon’tnecessarilywantallthepiecesoftheirlivestohavethesameweight.Balanceisnotaboutmakingeverythingeven.

Balancealsoshouldnotbeconfusedwithreachingsomeultimateequilibrium.Thereisnostaticpointinlife;lifeisinherentlydynamic.Weareconstantlybalancing.Balanceisnotaboutslowingdown,althoughslowingdownmaybejusttherecipesomedays.Balanceisnotaboutsimplifying,althoughsortingoutthepieces,choosing“yes”tosomethingsand“no”

toothers,maybetheidealwaytocreatethemostfulfillingflow.Inshort,whatmostclientswantisnottogofasterorslowerortohavelessormore,buttohavealife-givingridesupportedontherailsofafulfillinglifevision.Howtheygetthatrideistheobjectiveofbalancecoaching.Notethatsomeclientswantasmootherrideandsomewanttheexhilarationofabumpyride,atleastfromtimetotime,andbalancecoachingcanhelpthemmakethatchoice,too.

DaytoDayThatsaid,clientsarenotlikelytocometocoachingwith“amorebalancedlife”atthetopoftheirlist.That’snotwheretheirattentionis.They’refocusedontheissuesthatarehittingthemonthechinthatdayorthatweek:theboringjob,thestalledproject,thedreadedfamilyreunion,thecreditcarddebt,thenewrelationship.Theyhavetheirattentionontheactionoftheirlives,especiallyinthoseareaswheretheyarenotgettingtheresultstheywant.Afterall,that’swhytheyareworkingwithacoach—sotheycangetthedesiredresults.

Theymayseethemselvesasblocked,atacrossroadsoradeadend,evenoutofoptions.Theymayfeelresigned,defeated,orsimplyfrustratedandconfused.Theymayfeelpowerless,lost,ortrappedinarepeatingcycle.Inyoureagernesstohelpclientsmoveforward,you,ascoach,maybetemptedtobreaktheproblemsdownintobite-sizebitsandbrainstormsolutions,togetresultsquicklyandmovepastallthatsluggishness.Instead,balancecoachingstartswiththewayclientslookatthesituation—theneedfordifferentactionisnotthestartingpoint.Theclient’spointofviewisoftenthemain

contributingfactortotheblocked,stuck,orstalledfeeling.Balancecoachingisdesignedtorestoreflow,togetclients

intoactionontoday’sissuesinawaythatbringsthembackintoalignmentandbackincontroloftheirownlives.Balancecoachingbeginsbylookingattheboxesinwhichclientsfindthemselvesbecausethelimitationsofthoseboxesareimpedingtheirprogress.Indoingso,clientsrestoreflowtothoseimmediateareasand,intheprocess,learnimportantlessonsaboutcreatingmoreflowintheirlives.Theylearntobemoreadeptatseeingtheboxesthatholdthemin,andtheexperienceofbreakingoutofthoseboxesservestheminotherareas.Thisishowbalancecoachingworkswiththebig-“A”agenda.Whenclientsrecognizetheyhavethepowertochoose,theyareempoweredtomakeintentionalchoicesinotherareas,too.

CircumstancesversusPossibilitiesTherearealwaysreasonsclientsarenotgettingtheresultstheywant.Justlistenandtheywilltellyou.Thereasonsalmostalwayssoundrealisticandconvincing.Thenbeginlisteningunderneath,andyouwillhearaparticulartoneorflavorthataccompaniesthereasonsandrationalizations.Youwillhearaboutdifficultsituationsanduncontrollablecircumstances.Youwillhearaboutrigidtimelinesandexpectations,peoplewhoareinflexibleorunwilling.Itmayormaynotsoundlikecomplaining,anditmightsoundquitenormalandunderstandable.

Infulfillment,youtuneyoureartohearthealivenessofvaluesbeinglived,honored,andcelebrated,butyoucouldheartheopposite:deadness,anger,crankiness.Inbalance,youwill

hearalifeinflowfilledwithpossibilitiesandalternativecoursesofaction,freedom,andcreativity,oryouwillheartheharshnessofunchangeablecircumstancesandunyieldingboxes.Wewritethesedistinctionsbetweenfulfillmentandbalanceasiftheyweresharplydifferentcolorsonacolorwheel,yetwedon’tmeantoimplythatthedistinctionswillbesoclearinacoachingsession.Itshouldbeprettyclearwhetheryouarepickingupredorblue,yelloworgreen,buttheshadesofemotionmaynotobviouslycommunicatefulfillmentorbalance.Asyouwillsee,knowingforsureisnotcrucialtothecoaching.Bymovinginonedirection,youwilluncovermore,getmorefeedbackfromtheclient,dancewithit,andthencontinueinthesamedirectionorswitchtoanother.Inbalance,welistenforthehardedgeofunavoidablecircumstancesandaboxed-inperspectiveontheissues.

AFormulaforBalanceCoachingTheformulaformovingfromstucktopossibilityandfrompossibilitytoactionhasfivesteps:(1)perspectives,(2)choice,(3)Co-Activestrategy,(4)commitment,and(5)action.

Step1:PerspectivesThefirststepinbalancecoachingistoidentifytheclient’sperspectiveandthenexpandtheperspectivesthatareavailable.Itismuchharderworktogetclientsintoactionfromastalledordead-endperspectivecomparedtoaperspectivethathaszoomandflowinit.

Ashumans,wetendtolimitwhatispossiblebywhatwebelieveistrue,andifaclientseesasituationashopeless,itwillbeverydifficulttocreatetheconditionsforchange.Afterall,

theclienthasalreadybeengatheringevidencethatconfirmsthisviewandcantellyouwithcompletecertaintythatthesituationreallyisadeadend.Theperspectivemaybefirm,andisoftenwelldeveloped,butitisabox.Clientsarelikelytorevealahabitualwayofthinkingaboutcertainsituations.Theytendtoapplythesamerigidthinkingtospecificsituations,layerbylayeruntil,overtime,thesewaysofthinkingappeartobetrue,immutable,obvious.Caseclosed.

Whenwetakeaperspectiveonanissue,wehaveanopinion,abelief,assumptionsandexpectations.Wemakepredictionsbasedontheassumptionsthatbelongtothatperspective.Webelievewecanpredicttheoutcomebecause“that’showthingsalwaysgo”or“that’sjustthewayitis.”Aperspectiveisaverypowerfulfilterthatallowsustoseeonlycertainthings.Ifsomethingisnotpartoftheperspective,itisinvalidorsimplyinvisibleormaybedismissedoutofhand.Stereotypesareperspectivesofasort,ahabitualwayoflookingatpeoplethatlimitspossibility:everyoneinaparticularboxisthesame,andtheexpectationsandassumptionsfitallofthepeopleinthatbox.

Theclient’sperspectiveexcludesthepossibilityofflow,yetitisonlyonewayoflookingatthesituation.That’swhybalancecoachingstartswithseeingthelimitingperspectiveandthennamingit.Oncewecannameit,wecanworkwithclientstodevelopalternativeperspectivesthataremoreresourcefulandcreativeandwillprovidemoreactionpossibilities.

Youcangeneratemoreperspectivesbysimplyaskingclients,Whatisanotherwayoflookingatthisthatwouldworkforyou?Youcanalsobrainstormmetaphorsorimagesthatprovidecreativematerialforadditionalperspectives.For

example:Howwouldafive-year-oldseethis?orWhatisthe“goodnews”perspective?Orchooseoneoftheclient’svalues:Adventureisavalueofyours.Whatifyoulookedatthisasagrandadventure?

Geography.Imagineplacinganobjectinthemiddleofaroom—asculptureofsomekind,forinstance.Nowimaginewalkingaroundthatobject,lookingatitfromavarietyofangles.Eachperspectivewouldgiveyoualittlemoreinformationabouttheobject.Workingwithperspectiveshasthateffect.Butitismuchmorethanjustavisualdifferenceasweshiftfromperspectivetoperspective.Whatwediscoveristhateachperspectiveisaworldofitsown,withadifferentlandscape,adifferentclimate,anddifferentrulesforexpectedbehavior.Whatmightbenormalinoneperspective/worldisnotnormalinanother.Whenweexploretheconditionswithinaperspectivewithclients,wearelookingatthegeographyofthatworld.Thereisanativelanguageinthatperspective.Therewillbeculturalrulesandwell-formedroles.Therewillalsobeaposturetothatperspective,sometimesquiteliterally,becausepeopleembodytheperspectivetheyareinandportrayitphysically,intheirbodies.

Considerthisperspective:“Awalkinthewoodsisagloriousembraceofthenaturalworld.”Thereisatoneinthelanguage.Youcanpracticallysmellthefragranceandhearthenaturalsoundsofthatperspective.Andifyouallowedyourbodytorepresentthatperspective,yourposturewouldincorporateitsinherentattitudeandbeliefs.Nownoticehowdramaticallyallofthatchangeswithadifferentperspective.Considerthis:“A

walkinthewoodsisadangerous,messy,bug-ridden,slimywasteoftime.”Seehowthetonechanges.Bodyposturechangestoreflectthedifferentinherentbeliefsandexpectations.Eventhesmellisdifferent.

Thesearesimplytwoperspectivesonawalkinthewoods.Neitherisrightorwrong,althoughthosewhoareadvocatingforoneortheotherhavenodoubtbeenverybusycollectingevidencetosupporttheirpointofviewandarepreparedtoinsistverypersuasivelythattheirperspectiveistherightone,theonethatistrue.

TheTopicIs…Theexampleofawalkinthewoodsalsopointsuptheimportanceofhavingacleartopicwiththeperspective.Youneedaspecific,identifiabletopicforconsideration,likethesculptureyouimaginedplacinginthemiddleofaroom.Thetopiccouldbeasituation,adecisionthatmustbemade,anevent,oracategoryofevents.Itcouldbeacontemplatedactionoranopportunity.Itcouldbearelationshipwithanotherpersonorarelationshipbetweentheclientandsomethingspecificsuchasadebt,cancer,ortechnology.Notethatitiseasiertoworkwithperspectiveswhenthetopicismorespecific,evenifitisarelationship.Thetopicitselfisneitherpositivenornegative.Theclient’sreactiontothetopicrevealsaperspective.Anditistheperspectivethatbringsemotionorjudgment.

Step2:ChoicePlayingwithperspectivesinvolvesexploringtherichterritoryineachlandofthegeographicmap.Youmighthaveclientsstandindifferentpartsoftheroomandembodythedifferent

perspectives,tryingoneachonelikeacostume,gettingafeelfortheatmosphereandlanguage.Eventually,clientswillneedtochooseaperspective—oneoftheperspectivesyouhavebeenplayingwith,acombinationofperspectives,orevenanentirelynewperspectivethatcameoutoftheexploration.

Inourformula,“choice”ismorethandecidingonacertainperspective.Tobeawareofchoiceistobeawareofthepowerofchoosing.Itiscrucialthatclientsfeeltheyareabsolutely,unequivocallyinchargeoftheirchoices.Howclientschoosewillalsobearevealingpartoftheprocessforclientsandcoach.Doestheclientchoosequickly?Impulsively?Isthereagreatdealofanalysisoracomplexsystemforcomparingandanalyzing?Thisinformationwillbevaluablebackgroundforyouasyoulearnhowyourclientstypicallyhandlethedecision-makingprocess.

Step3:Co-ActiveStrategyInourapproachtobalancecoaching,thisstepformsabridgebetweenawarenessandaction.ACo-Activestrategyrecognizesthatmovingintoactionismorethanjustactivity.AstrategyintheCo-Activemodelincludestheattitudeandemotionalstatethatmotivatesandsupportsaction.

Consistentwiththeprincipleofbalance,webeginbyexpandingtherangeofpossibilitiessothattheactionchoicecomesfromaplacethatisalive.Weopenuppossibilitiestocreateavarietyandrangeofactionoptions.Thisisanintentionallyexpansivephasethatemphasizescreativity.Theskillofbrainstormingisonewayofgeneratingideasandoptions,butnomatterwhatformthecreativeprocesstakes,thecoach’sjobistoencourageclientstopushtheedgeof

possibilities,totravelbeyondfamiliaralternatives.Inthisexpansionmode,theintentionistoredefinewhat“possible”means,outsidetheoldboundariesandpastwhatisnormallyconsidered“realistic.”Theideaofwhatis“realistic”istoooftenaholdoverfromtheboxed-inperspective.

Giventherichworldofpossibleactions,thenextphaseintheprocessistonarrowthelist.Thisisthenextchoicepointinbalancecoachingandanopportunitytomakesure,again,thatthecourseofactionbeingconsideredwillleadtomoreflow.Oneofthethingstowatchforisaconditionweplayfullycall“OOPS”:OverlyOptimisticPlanningSyndrome.Yes,weencouragecreatinganabundanceofpossibilities,andwehelpclientsbuildamotivationalfirethatpowerstheirmoveintoaction.Butwedothistoexpandtherange,nottocauseburnoutinourclients,socheckinginandconsciouslychoosingareimportantpartsofcreatingaCo-Activestrategy.Thereis,infact,apointofbalancebetweenwhatispossibleandwhatwillresultinflow.Itisnotaperfectformula;that’swhyweaddlearningtotheactionasclientsmoveforward.

Ultimately,itisourgoaltomakesurethatthereismovementintheissuesclientsbringtothecoachingsession.Narrowingtheactionlististhestepthatmovestheconversationintoreality.Incoaching,itisnotenoughtohavereallygood,evenprofoundorwildlycreative,talkaboutclients’issuesorlives.Itisessentialthatclientsbeinactionandthatsomethingismaderealintheworldthattheycanseeandtakenoteof.(TheCoach’sToolkitonline—http://www.coactive.com/toolkit—includesavarietyofstrategyandplanningtools.)

Step4:CommitmentOneofthecorequestionsforcoachesisWhatisitthatsustainschangeovertime?Weknowthatclientsareoftenwillingtochooseanewdirection;thisisthewaytheymovebeyondthedeadendorstoptheiraimlesswandering.Butoncetheyareontheroad,whatwillsustainthem?Theenergyofcommitmentisoneanswer.

BeyondChoice.Strategizing,evenintheCo-Activeway,canbejustanothercerebralactivity.Theemphasisisonthinkingaboutdifferentwaystomakethingshappen,howtoallocateresourcesandcalculatetheprosandconsofalternativeactions.Thestrategycanbecomeanintellectualexerciseandfeelexternaltotheclient.Asacoach,youwantthisawakenedstrategytoliveinside,intheclient’smuscleandbone,notonlyinthebrain,whereaminordistractioncouldeasilydisplaceit.Sobeforeyouinviteclientstotakeaction,makesurethey’vereallymadeacommitmenttotheirplans.

Peoplegainamysteriousstrengthandresolvewhentheymakeacommitment.Commitmentgoesbeyondmakingachoice.Wemakeachoicebetweenlasagnaandlinguine;wemakeacommitmenttootherpeople,tolife,toacourseofaction.Commitmentimpliesthereisnoturningback.Thisisthepointwhereyoudrawalineandasktheclienttocrossintonewterritory:Willyoucommittothatplanandtakeaction?Willyoudothat?Uptothispoint,clientsmaysimplyhavebeenplayingalong.Chancesarethattheywillexperienceashiftoncetheyrealizethattheyarecommittingtoadifferentwayofoperatingintheirworld.Andsoyouask,Willyou

committothisplan?Thisquestionraisesthestakes.We’renolongertalkingaboutlosingtenpoundsorpayingthecreditcardbalancethismonth;we’retalkingabouttakingcontroloftheirlives.Infact,thisactofcommitmentissopowerfulthatthecoachsometimesasksclientstoactuallydrawaline—realorimaginary—onthefloorinfrontofthem,takeadeepbreath,and,whenthey’rereadytocommittotheplan,stepacrosstheline.Butonlywhenthey’retrulyreadytocommit.

YesandNo.Thesewords,“yes”and“no,”aretwoofthesimplestwordsinanylanguage.Dependingonthecontextofthequestion,however,theycanalsobetwoofthemostdifficultwordstosayoutloudforthewholeworldtohear.Asclientspreparetocommittoaction,theymustchoosebetweensayingyestotheirplansandsayingnotosomethingelse.

Inthecontextofcommitment,thosewordshaveadeeperring;theyreverberateintoyourclients’lives.Thatyestoasimpleactionisayestosomedeepercommitment,apromise,evenanewordeeperwayofbeingintheirlives.Sayingnotoasimpleactionismuchmorethantakingthatonethingoffthelist.Itoftenmeanssayingnotooldbeliefsoroldexpectations,notoself-betrayal,notohabitualwaysofreactingtothedemandsofothers.Ascoach,listenforthedepthoftheyesesandnosfromyourclients.Youmayevenaskthemtotakepartinthisyes-or-noexerciseforaperiodoftimeasawaytogetclearerabouttherootchoicestheyaremaking.Forexample:Inyourlifethesedays,whatareyousayingyesto?Whatareyousayingnoto?orInyourrelationshipwithyourspouse,whatareyousayingyestoornoto?

Step5:ActionTheactionofcoachingdoesnottakeplaceinthecoachingsession.Fromthecoach’spointofview,thisissomethingofarelief.Iteliminatesthepressuretobebrilliantorperfectortransformative.Therealactionofcoachingtakesplaceintheclient’slife,intheactionhetakes—ordoesn’ttake—betweencoachingsessions.Thatiswherethepoweris.Withoutaction,thebalancecoachingisincomplete,justanenjoyableconversationaboutpointofview.Actionstepsintheclient’slifekeeptheclientmovingandmotivated.

Atthenextsession,youwillcheckinonprogress,explorewhatworkedandwhatdidn’t,andgooverwhattheclientlearnedfromboth.Youwilluncoverwhatthispersonwantstotakeintohislifefromhere,ashebalancescircumstancesandpossibilitiesandmakeslife-givingchoicesinaction.

SampleDialogueCOACH(afterlisteningtotheclient’sunenthusiasticreportonaparticularprojectatwork):I’mguessingyouthoughtyouwouldbemuchmoreexcitedabouttheprojectthanyouare.

Coachee:That’sanunderstatement.Ithoughtthiswasgoingtobethecreativecrèmedelacrème.

COACH:Andit’snot.Coachee:Nope.Definitelynotcrèmedelaanything.Oatmeal,I’dsay.Day-oldoatmeal.

COACH:Soundslikeyou’reuptoyourhipsinthisday-oldoatmeal.

Coachee:Yeah,I’mnotgoinganywherefast.Withhalfthepeoplepulledofftheprojectforotherthings—andaprojectmanagerwhoisnotatallinvestedinmakingthisapriority—it’sdiscouraging.

COACH:Sothereyouareintheoatmealperspective,lookingattheproject.What’stheairlikeinthatperspective?

Coachee:Air?Stale.Old.Rank.COACH:Hardtogetverymotivatedfromthisplace.Coachee:I’llsay.COACH:Wanttotrylookingatitinadifferentway?Coachee:Sure.Anything’sgottobeanimprovement.COACH:So,whatwouldadifferentperspectivebe?Coachee:Well,itcouldbesummervacation.Youknow,school’sout,nomoreteachers,nomorebooks.

COACH:Good.What’sthethemeinthisperspective?Coachee:Freedom.IcandoanythingIwant.COACH:Okay.Justsowecankeeptrackoftheseaswegoalong,let’sdrawacircleanddivideitintoeightwedges—likepieslices.Put“oatmeal”inoneofthosewedges,thenselectoneoftheotherwedgesandput“school’sout”inthatone.Gotit?

Coachee:Yes.COACH:Whatwouldbeanotherperspective?Coachee:I’mnotsure.COACH:What’ssomethingyoulovetodo?

Coachee:IhaveaworkshopathomewhereIdosimplewoodworkprojects.It’sahobby.Itrelaxesme.Ilikeworkingwithmyhands.

COACH:Soundslikeyouhaveaclearsenseofthisperspective.

Coachee:Ohyeah.Icanpracticallysmellthewood.COACH:Whatshallwecallthisone?Coachee:Justcallitworkshop—it’screativeandsatisfyinganduseful.

COACH:What’sanotherwayyoucouldlookatthissituationatwork?

(Thecoacheefindsafewmoreperspectives,includingonehelabels“library.”Coachandcoacheeexplorethecharacteristicsofthedifferentperspectives.)COACH:Lookingatmynotes,Iseethatwe’vetalkedaboutsixperspectives,sevenifyouincludetheoriginaloatmealperspective.Whichistheoneyouwillchoose?

Coachee:Thelibrary.COACH:Andwhatisthereaboutthelibraryperspectivethatappealstoyou?

Coachee:Well,Iwishthisprojectwasupandrunningfullspeedwiththisreallyhot,creativeteamtogether.Wetalkedaboutthat,butit’snotgoingtohappenintheshortterm.Whatwouldbeinteresting,though,istoreallygoinandstudythesubject.I’vegotthetime.Ilikethelibraryasametaphorbecauseit’saquietplace.It’ssetasideforstudy,andthere’slotsofmaterialtoexplore.

Noone’sgoingtobothermethere.COACH:Great.Sonowthatyou’restandinginthelibrarylookingattheproject,whataresomeoftheoptions?Whatmightyoubedoingwithyourtime?

Coachee:There’ssomeonlineresearchI’dliketodo…twobooksI’vebeenmeaningtoorder…Ijusthaven’tdoneit.Andthere’saguyinIrelandI’dliketotalkto.He’sinvolvedinasimilarproject—wechattedbye-mailafewmonthsback…There’salsoaconferencecomingupinacoupleofmonths—IsupposeIcouldseeifthecompanywouldfundmytrip…

COACH:Lotsofoptions.Whatwouldbethestretchforyou?

Coachee:Writinganarticleonthesubjectwouldbeastretch.

COACH:Andwhatwouldyoubesayingyesto?Coachee:I’dbesayingyestotakingcontrolofmytime.I’dbesayingyestocapitalizingontheopportunity.I’dbesayingyestomakingthisdowntimearealbenefittomeinmycareer—beingwillingtobeacolleagueofsorts,withsomeofthepeopleIadmire—earningmyprofessionalcredentials,sotospeak.

COACH:Andwhatwouldyoubesayingnoto?Coachee:Well,theobvious.NotowhiningandcomplainingthatIdon’tgettoplaythewayIexpected.Butmorethanthat,I’dbesayingnotothatwearysenseofhelplessness.

COACH:Howcommittedareyoutowritingthisarticle?

Coachee:Very.Thisshouldbereallyinteresting—anditleadstoallsortsofotherpossibilities.

COACH:Good.Whatwouldlockinthissenseofcommitmentforyou?

Coachee:Committingtosomekindofactionstep.COACH:Iwasjustabouttoask,whatdoyouwanttobeaccountableforbetweennowandthenexttimewemeet?

Coachee:Anoutline.IwouldneedtodosomeoftheresearchItalkedabout—atleastaquicklookatsomethings—andIknowwhatthatwouldbe.ButIcouldhaveadraftofanoutline.

COACH:Allright,then.Here’smyrequest:Sendmeacopyoftheoutlinebye-mailonthedaybeforeournextmeeting.Willyoudothat?

Coachee:Letmeputthatinmycalendar.Okay,I’lldoit.

FindingtheBalanceThepurposeofthebalanceformula,andbalancecoaching,forthatmatter,istomoveclientsintoaction.Likeaslalomskierspeedingdownthemountain,turningcrisplyateverychute,weliveourlivesinaction,andbeingontheedgeisanexhilaratingwaytoexperiencelifeinmotion.Iftheimageoftheskierandthemountainisalittletoobreathtakingforyourtaste,thesamethemesapplytotheiceskaterandthedancer.Graceandperformancemakethebalancepointofleaningintowhatispossiblewhilestillmaintainingcontrol.

Andyet,wearenotassistingourclientswithjustanyaction.It’snotaservicetoclientstosimplyaddmoreactiontotheir

lives.Fulfillmentcoachingwillhelpidentifyactionthatisconsistentwiththeclient’svalues.Balancecoachingwillhelpclientschoosetheflow,awaytobalancepriorities,expectations,andperspectivesontheissuestheybringtotheircoachingsessions.Ouruseoftheword“flow”isn’tmeanttoimplyglassysmoothness.Youmaywanttosubstitutetheword“ride”for“flow,”becauseourgoalistohelpclientscreatetherideoftheirlife.Theactionclientsundertakebyworkingfromtheprincipleofbalanceisactionthatfitsthebig-pictureridethatbringsthemalifeofchoice.

CHAPTER10Process

Clientsusuallycometocoachingtodothingsdifferentlyortododifferentthings.Theywanttosetgoals,comeupwithplans,getintoaction,andusetheaccountabilityofcoachingtostayontrack.Clientswanttobeinmotion,notstandingstill,sonaturallyagreatdealofthecoach’sfocusisonmovingforward,helpingclientsenvisionthegoldenfuture,andthepaththatwilltakethemthere.Thereisaleaning-forward,feet-moving,arms-pumpingqualitytothecoaching.Andyet,inCo-Activecoaching,webelievethereismoretolifethantasksaccomplished.Ourfocusisontheclient’slifeexperience,notjustalistofactionitemscompleted.Infact,webelieveclientsactuallywanttoenjoythejourney,tosavorandappreciateeachmomentoftheirlivesasbesttheycan.

Ingeneral,fulfillmentandbalancefocusonmovingforward.Coachandclientareawareofwhatishappeningexternallyintheclient’slife,andtheycanseetheresults.Coachingthatemphasizesmovingforwardisfocused,directed,intentional.Itisaboutgenerating,creating.Actionorientationoftenhasafiercedeterminationtomakesomethinghappen—clientsarelookingahead,andthereismomentum.

Processcoachingfocusesontheinternalexperience,onwhatishappeninginthemoment.Thegoalofprocesscoachingistoenhancetheabilityofclientstobeawareofthemomentandtonameit.Inprocesscoaching,thereisaqualityofexpandingintothepresent,beingcuriousaboutit,slowingdownto

exploreandappreciateit.Sometimesthemostimportantchangehappensattheinternallevelandmayevenbenecessarybeforeexternalchangecantakeplace.Beinginthemomentimmersestheclientintheflowoflife,thehereandnow.Thefeelingisexpansive,likegoingupamountaintoahigherplaceordownintoavalleytoadeeperplace.

Thecombinationofgoingsomewhereandgoingmoredeeplyintotheexperienceisthefullspectrumoflife.Beingpresentinlifeexpandsawareness,leadstoricherhighsandrobustlowsthatarethemeasureofatruelifefullyexperienced.Thisistheprocess-coachingversionoftheclient’sbig-“A”agenda:afullyexpressedandfullyexperiencedlifelivedinthemoment.

TheLookofProcessProcesscoachingfocusesonwhereclientsarenow.Imaginelifeasariver,flowingthroughtime.Inoneplace,theriverissteady,serene.Thenithitstherapids.Thenawaterfall.Thereareeddiesandwhirlpools,backwaterandswamps.Theriveroflifenarrowsandsuddenlyspeedsup.Processisaboutbeingfullyawareandalivewhereveryouareontherivertoday:whetheryouarefloatingeasilyonyourback,enjoyingtheskyandsun,ortumblingthroughthechaosofwhitewater.Clientshavetheirplansanddreams,andsometimestheywon’tlikewheretheyareontheriver.Andyet,whenyou’reintherapids,theonlythingtodoisbeintherapids.Youcanwishitweren’tso,butthat’swhereyouare.Whileyouarebusymakingplansforthefuture,youarealsointhepresent.Youareintheprocessofyourlife.Inthismoment.Rightnow.

TheCoachandProcessImaginetheriveronabrightafternoon.Thesunreflectingoffthewateringlitteringsparklescanbepracticallyblinding.Aswiththeriver,it’seasytobedistractedbytheactivityonthesurfaceoflife.Actioncanbedazzling.Butwhenyoulookattheriverthroughapolarizingfilter,youtuneoutthedistractingsparklesandseetheflowofthewater.That’sthecoach’sjob—tonoticethecurrentsbelowthesurface.Inprocesscoaching,youaretuningyoureartohearbelowthesurface,noticinganythingstirringthatfeelsoutofplace,inconsistent,somethinglikeresistanceoranunexpectedturbulence.Itisasignaltoyouthatthereisanundercurrentthatislikelyobstructingtheflowoftheriver.YoucanhearitbylisteningattentivelyatLevelIII,andasacoach,youbecomecurious.Veryoftenitissomethingtheclientisnotconsciousoforisavoiding.

ProcessCoachingUltimately,ourgoalascoachesistoassistourclientsincreatingtheworkandlivestheywant.Inasense,wearealwaysfocusedonmovingforwardtoanenvisionedfuture.However,theshortestdistancebetweenhereandthereisnotalwaysastraightline.Sometimesitisacurvedline,astheU-shapedprocesspathwayshows(seeFigure5).Sometimesthewayforwardinvolvesgoingdownintotheexperiencefirst.Or,aswewillseealittlelater,itmaymeangoingupintotheexperiencefirst,bysimplyturningtheU-shapedcurveupsidedown.

Theflowinprocesscoachinghasthefollowingsteps:(1)thecoachsensestheturbulenceunderthesurfaceandnamesit,(2)

thecoachexploresit,(3)theclientexperiencesit,(4)ashifthappens,(5)energyopensup,(6)theclienthasaccesstonewresources,and(7)movementhappens.

1:TheCoachSensesTurbulenceundertheSurfaceandNamesItListeningatLevelIII,youascoachsensethereissomethingunnamedunderthesurfaceofthecoachingconversation.Youcanfeeltheunexpressedemotion;it’sblocked,pentup,beingheldincheck,managed.Processcoachingdrawsonthecoach’sabilitytobeawareoftheseemotionalundercurrents—theyareacrucialpartofthecoachingconversation,too;theyrevealinformationaboutwhatisimportanttoclients.Theenergyoftheemotionisaflashingsign—sometimesdimlyflashing,sometimesbrightlyflashing.

Forexample,aclientcouldbedescribingachangeindepartmentalpoliciesatwork,andunderneaththewordsthereisbarelycontrolledoutrage,afire-breathingdragonburnedbytheinjusticeofthewaythenewpolicieswereintroduced.Atthispoint,youbecomecurious.Clearly,somethingveryimportantisgoingonjustbelowthesurface—somethingmoreimportantthanthepoliciesthemselves—it’sabouttheimpactofthisexperienceontheclient.Itcanhappentheoppositeway,too:youexpectyourclienttobeeuphoricaboutarecentsuccess,buttheclient’svoiceandtonearedeadflat.That’sanothergoodreasontobecomecurious.

FIGURE5TheProcessPathwayWhenthecoachhearsit,shespeaksornamesit—andinvites

theclienttolookthere,too.Inrelationtotheexampleswegave,thismeansthatyou,thecoach,shareyourobservation,withoutjudgmentorattachment.Itcanbeassimpleassaying,“Itsoundstomelikethere’ssomethingimportanthereaboutthewayyouweretreated.”Oryoucouldbemorespecific,especiallyinongoingcoach–clientrelationships,withastatementlike,“That’snottheoutcomeyouhopedfor.Itsoundslikeyou’rereallydisappointed.”

Weinviteclientstolookbelowthesurface,belowthefactsanddata.Whywouldwedothis?Themostpowerful,most

effectivecoachingwecandoalwaysworkswithwhatismostimportantfortheclient.Whenyoupointbelowthesurfacetotheenergyoremotion,yougivetheclientanopportunitytolearnmoreaboutwhatisobviouslyimportant.Clientsarenotalwayspreparedtolookbelowthesurface;theyoftenkeeptheiremotionalresponsesundertightcontrol.Byinvitingyourclientstoexploretheenergyoremotionaroundthesubject,yougivethemtheopportunitytobecomeawareandconsciousoftheimpacttheseissuesreallyhaveontheirlives.

2:TheCoachExploresItOnceyouhaveheardandnamedtheturbulence,thenextstepistoexploretheterritory—butfirstyoumustasktheclientforpermission.Thisisimportant.Withsomeclients,especiallyinanongoingcoachingrelationship,youwillfindyouhavegreatlatitudetotakethemintowhateverterritoryyou,asanexperiencedcoach,feelwouldbemostbeneficialforthem.Theseclientshavegrantedpermissionbroadlyandhaveempoweredyoutotaketheleadindecidingwherethecoachingconversationneedstogo.Withotherclients,especiallythoserelativelynewtocoachingortoyouasacoach,askingpermissioncreatesacontainerofsafetyandencouragesthemtolookdeeperthanthesurfacedetailsofthepresentingissue.

Thegoalofprocesscoaching,aswehavesaid,istofocusonwhatistrueinthemoment.Oneofthemosteffectiveaccesspointsforexploringthemomentistheclient’simmediatephysicalexperience:breathing,tension,afurrowedbrow,tightnessinthethroat,orarapidheartbeat.Thebodyisremarkablyexpressiveandoffersarichsourceofinformationabouttheclient’sinternalexperience.

Metaphororimageryisanothereffectiveaccesspointforexploringthemoment.Sometimesthefeelingsareeasiertodescribeinpicturesthaninwords:Thefeelingisasmalltightball…Thefeelingisahelium-filledMylarballoon…Itfeelslikewalkingthroughwaist-deepmud…Itfeelslikeflyingaroundandaroundandaroundinalittlecircle.

3:TheClientExperiencesItThekeyhereisthattheclientactuallyexperiencethesensationoremotion.Itisimportantfortheclienttobeabletonameitandidentifyit,evenifonlyinafewwords,butjusttalkingaboutitwillnotusuallybeenoughtoshiftthefeeling.Ascoach,youcantellthedifferencebetweenaconversationaboutdisappointmentandaclientwhoisrelivingtheexperienceofdisappointment.Anintellectualunderstandingofwhatcausedthedisappointmentisagoodstart,butthereismuchdeeperlearningavailable.

4:AShiftHappensThereisamomentwhenyoucanfeelachangeinthetide.Weweregoingmoredeeplyintotheenergyandemotionofanexperience,andthensomethingshifted:theair,thetone,thelight,theweight—it’shardtofindtherightwordsforit,butitisasensationofnewmovement.Wearenolongerdiving,wearerising.

WehavedrawnthegraphicofprocesscoachingasaverytidyU-shapedcurve,butasinglecoachingsessionthatfollowedthatidealpathwouldbeanearmiracle.Mostofthetime,ifyouweretographthemovement,youwouldseethatthecoachinggoesdeeper,resurfacesslightly,plateausperhaps,

goesdeeperagain,andsoon.Thereisnoperfecttemplateforprocesscoachingbecausethecoachisconstantlydancinginthemomentwitheachnewresponse.Andyet,duringlisteningatLevelIII,thereisalmostalwaysapointintimewhen,ascoach,youcanheartheclientrisingupthefarsideoftheU-shapedcurve.

5:EnergyOpensUpTheshiftisaccompaniedbyasenseofopening,release,expansion.Emotionhaspowerfulenergyinit.Whenthatemotionisblocked,theenergybuildsandissometimesdrivendownandcontrolled.Processcoachingunblocksthatstuckenergyandallowstheenergyoftheemotiontoservetheclient.Unblockedenergycreatesmotion.Themotionofprocessfeelsquitedifferentfromfulfillmentorbalancebecauseitdrawsontheclient’semotionalenergyworkingunderthesurface.Inthisway,emotionbecomesenergyinmotion,“e-motion”fortheclient.Processisaboutbeingwithwhatistrue;sometimestheemotioniswhatismosttruefortheclientandsuppliesthemeansforforwardmotion.

6:TheClientHasNewResourcesManaging,controlling,andsuppressingtheemotiontakeseffort;itexpendsinternalresources.Oncetheshifthappensandclientsfindtheyareinnew,moreexpansiveterritory,theyalsohaveaccesstomoreoftheirowninternalresources.Thoseresourcesformakinglife-givingchoiceswerealwaysthere—thisisn’tacquiringnewresources;it’stheexperienceofreleasingthatenergyfortheworkthatmattersmosttoclients.Clientsaremoreenergizedtotakeonthetasks,eventhebattles,

necessarytomoveforwardintheirlives.

7:MovementHappensInthisstep,thereisasensethatmovementisunderway,thatwehaveenteredanewphase.Theatmospherechanges.Clientsmaydescribetheexperienceasafeelingofgreaterbuoyancyorastheabilitytoseethesituationinanew,brighter,ormorecolorfullight.Theymayreportasensationofwarmthormoreflow,orsaytheyaremorerelaxed,moreatpeaceormoreenergized,lessstuckorresistant,andsoon.Inmostcases,thisnewsensationcanbelinkedtoanewunderstandingorawarenessintheclient.Theoutcomeofprocesscoachingisashiftintheinternalexperiencecombinedwithneworrenewedlearning.Aswesaid,coachingisaboutmovingforward,andsometimesprogressstartswithgoingintotheexperience,notskippingoverit.Thereisimportant,sometimeslife-changing,informationintheexplorationthatemotionssignaltoclientsandcoach.

GoingUpIntoItThestepswe’vejustdescribedapplyequallytothosesituationsinwhichclientsseemreluctanttogo“up”intoanexperience.Clientscanbesodriventomoveontothenextstageorthenextprojectorchallengethattheywanttoskipthecelebrationoftheiraccomplishments—andmissthechancetodiscovermoreaboutthemselvesandthekeystotheirsuccess.

Someclientshavebeentoldtoooftenandfortoolongthattheyneedtobehumbleorshouldnotdrawattentiontothemselves,andsotheyavoidwhattheyconsiderself-praiseandmissoutonacknowledgmentandlearning.Someclientsare

simplyafraidofbeingtoohappy,ortheyconsiderthemorejoyfulemotionsunnecessaryorasignthattheyarenottakingtheissueseriously.Asacoach,partofyourjobistolistenforthekindofavoidancethatkeepsyourclientsfromexperiencingthewholerangeofmusicalnotesavailabletothem.Whenclientscutthemselvesofffromthehighsandlows,it’slikecuttingoutmusicaltones.Theyendupwithonlyafewnotestoplay,whichmakesforaverylimitedandmonotonouslifesong.

FeelingsasInformation,NotSymptomsThepresenceoffeelingsoremotionsisoneoftheinherentqualitiesofprocesscoaching.Whenclientstalkfreelyaboutissuesthataredeeplyimportanttothem,itshouldcomeasnosurprisethattheconversationtakesplaceinanatmosphereoffeeling.Coachesaresometimesalarmedandconfusedbythis.Theythinkthatbecausetheclientisreactingwithfeeling,thecoachingrelationshiphasturnedintotherapy.

Butemotionsandtherapyarenotthesame.Emotionsarejustemotions.Whensomeoneispassionate,evenangry,aboutaperceivedinjustice,itdoesn’tmeanthatsheismentallyunstable;sheisahumanbeinghavingahumanreaction.Ifaclientiscrying,itdoesn’tmeanthatheisill.That’showpeoplesometimesexpressstrongfeelings.

It’sokayforcoachestoallowemotion—sadness,pain,anger,loss—andactuallytoencourageit.Emotionisalegitimateformofexpression,likewords,music,anddance.Don’tbeadetectiveaboutit.Don’tlookatwhytheclientishurtorangry—whichisthetypicalresponse.Thecauseitselfisnotimportant;acceptingthefeelingisimportant.Norisitupto

thecoachtotrytohealitorstopit—anothertypicalresponse.Justexploreitandacknowledgeit:“That’sapowerfulfeeling.There’ssomepaininthere,Icantell.”

Emotionsarepartofthenormalfunctioningofahumanbeing,notsymptomsofdisease.Thewhole,healthy,resourcefulclienthasfullaccesstohisemotions.It’sthehiding,denying,submergingthatgetclientsintrouble.Ourfeelingsgiveusawayofexpressingourselves.Theprocesscanbeverycleansing,andifwedon’tpermitourbodiestodischargeanddiscoverwhateverwe’reholdinginside,wedon’tgrow.Wecanevengetsick—physicallyandemotionally—bykeepingthingsin.Processcoachingiswhereemotionswillshowupbecauseyou’reencouraging,evenchallenging,clientstovisitthehardplacesandgointotheexperiencesotheycanlearnwhythisisimportant.Ifitweren’timportant,therewouldn’tbethisemotionalenergyaroundit.Whentheydogoin,theydiscovermoreaboutthemselves,becomemoreresourceful,andreleasetheenergyintheemotion—whatwerefertoase-motion—tomotivatenewmovement.Unlessyoucanexplorethoseplaceswithyourclientsorcoachees,yourcoachingwilllackdepthandbreadth.

Eventhoughprocesscoachingcanbepowerfulemotionally,there’sstillroomforhumor.Exploringforbiddenterritorywithhumorcangiveclientslicensetoapproachthedarkareasonlightfeetortofeelcuriosityaboutthedepthofthemurkywaterinsteadoffearingthattheyareabouttodrown.

SampleDialogueClient:LookslikeI’llhavetodustofftheoldrésuméagainafterall.

COACH:Youfinallyheardaboutthejoboverseas?Client:Iheard.Anditwasn’ttheanswerIwantedtohear.SoI’mcrankingupthesearchmachineryagain.

COACH:Youhadalotridingongettingthatjob.Irememberhowexcitedyouwereafterthelastinterview.Soundslikeyou’rekindofshruggingitoffnow—asifitwasn’tthatimportant.What’sthetruththere?

Client:I’vegotadecentjobandlittleriskthatanythingwillchangethere.

COACH:Upuntiltoday,thatwasn’tenough.Client:Iknow.It’sstillnot.Thetruthis,Iamdisappointed.

COACH:Notjustalittle,itsoundslike.Client:No.Reallydisappointed.Iwasreallypumpedforthatinterview.Idon’tseehowitcouldhavegoneanybetter.

COACH:It’sahugeletdown.Client:Idon’twanttodwellonit.COACH:Iunderstand.Still,itlooksasifyourlifewantstodwellonit.

Client:Boy,that’sthetruth.Ican’trememberbeingthisunhappy—notaboutajobfallingthrough.MaybeIhadtoomuchridingongettingthehelloutofthecountry.

COACH:Whatdoesitlookliketoyou?I’msensingsadness.What’syourexperience?

Client:It’sactuallylikegettingpunchedinthestomach.I

feellikeittookmybreathaway.LikeIcan’tevenstandupstraight.

COACH:What’sthepainfulpart?Client:Theloss,thewaiting,thewastedenergy.COACH:Woulditbeallrightifweexploredthatrightnow?Ithinkit’simportanttogothroughthis,notstepoverit.

Client:Sure.IwanttogetoveritsoIcangetonwithmylife.

COACH:Sowhat’sitlikethere,rightnow?Theplaceyougotpunched?

Client:It’sdark…hollow…likeacavern.COACH:Gointothecavern.Areyouthere?Client:Yes.COACH:Whatareyousensing?Client:I’msittingwithmyheadinmyhands.COACH:What’stheemotion?Client:Sadness.Ifeeldefeated.Utterlydefeated.COACH:Okay.WhatIwantyoutodonowisturnupthevolumeonit,justalittleatfirst.Ifit’sat5rightnow,turnitupto6.

Client:Thesadness?COACH:Yes.Andthefeelingofdefeat.Gointhere.I’llberighthere.

Client:Okay.I’mturningupthevolume.There’s6.

COACH:Whatdoyounotice?Client:Asenseoffailure.Likeahugewaveoffailure.It’sbreakingovereverything.

COACH:Awaveoffailure.Areyouinasafeplace?Client:Yes.COACH:Whenyou’reready,tryturningitupanothernotchto7.

Client:NowIreallyfeeltheloss.Likeadreamdied.Likemylastchancetobuildsomethingimportantjustvanished.

COACH:Thisisimportantforyou.Client:It’shuge.COACH:Whatdoyounoticenow?Client:ThatIcanturndownthevolume.COACH:Doyouwanttodothatnow?Client:Ido.COACH:Whatdoesitfeellikenow?Client:Thetensionisgonefrommyshoulders.COACH:Whereareyou?Areyoustillinthecavern?Client:No.I’msittingonadock,lookingoutattheocean.COACH:Whatareyoulearningfromthis?Client:Acoupleofthings.One,Ididn’trealizejusthowimportantitwastome,togetthatposition,andhowharditisonmetonotbechosen—especiallywhenIreallyfeelqualified.Andtwo,IseethatIdocontrolmydestiny

andhowIfeelaboutit,justlikeIcontrolledthefeelingoffailure.Icanchoosetofeelgoodaboutmyself.

COACH:What’snext?Client:Therésumé.Idowanttoworkonthatsome.AndIwanttogobackanddosomeresearchintopossibleoverseasworkopportunities.

COACH:Good.Sometimethisweek,createaplanwithdeadlinesandsendmeacopy.Okay?

Client:Okay.COACH:Ialsohavearequest—ahomeworkinquiry—thatyouspendsometimejournalingaboutthequestion“WhatIhavelearnedfromfailure.”Willyoudothat?

Client:Areyoukidding?COACH:Actually,I’mnotkidding.Youknowhowtodowhateveryouneedtodointhejobsearch—writearésumé,dotheinterviews,whateverneedstobedone.Thehardthingforyouistolivewiththefeelingoffailure.Theveryprospectcouldderailyou.Ifyoucouldhavemorecapacitytobewithfailure,whatwoulditgiveyou?

Client:Freedom.Itwouldturnfailureintolearninginsteadofjudgmentaboutme.It’sjust…Idon’thavetobehappyaboutdoingthis,doI?

COACH:Yougettochoose,asyousaidjustaminuteago.It’sjustthatthiswon’tbethelasttimeyou’llfacethissenseoflossandfailure.Ifyoucanbewithitnow—anddevelopsomemusclestohandleit—you’llbeinbettershapethenexttimeyou’reinasituationlikethis.

Client:Likeanemotionalfitnessprogram.COACH:Somethinglikethat.Andtheuniversehasjustprovidedagreatgymnasiumforyou.Let’stakeadvantageofit.

ProcessandAccountabilityTheCo-Activecoachingmodelisveryclear:thecoachbringsacontexttothecoachingrelationshipthatincludesdeepenedlearningandactionthatmovestheclientforwardinlife.Accountabilityisjustasimportantinprocesscoachingasitisinfulfillmentorbalancecoaching.Withoutaccountability,coachinghasnothappened,evenifcoachingskillshavebeenused.Theactionofcoachingtakesplaceintheclient’slife.Withprocesscoaching,theactionisdesignedtosupportwhattheclientdiscoversfromthecoachingsession.Forexample,thesessionmightuncovertheclient’sfearofdisappointingotherswhenhesaysnotorequests.Inthiscase,theclientispayingaheavypricetoavoidthepossibilityofdisappointingpeopleinhislife.Theaccountabilitymightbetoriskdisappointingpeoplebysayingnofivetimesinthecomingweekandnoticingwhathappens.Oritcouldalsobeahabitorpracticethatisintegratedintotheclient’slife,suchasrecording,attheendofeachday,thetimeswhenhesaidno.

ToBeWithAwordortwoisinorderabouttheexpression“bewith,”whichisoftenusedwithprocesscoaching.Wemightsay,forexample,thatclientsare“beingwith”disappointment,orthecoachis“beingwith”clientsandtheirdisappointment.Thinkof

itlikevisitingafriendinthehospital.Yourgoalistobewithyourfriend.Thereisreallynothingforyoutodoexcepttobethere.Anditismorethanjustshowingup.Tobewithistobepresentandfullyengaged,attentive,open,eveninteracting,butwithnogoalotherthansimplybeingtogetherwiththatpersonintheexperience.BeingwithisapowerfulLevelIIIenvironment—anexperiencesharedatadeeplevel.Whenyouarewithclientsatthislevel,theyarefreetosharenotonlytheirthoughtsandanalysesbutthehonestemotionsoftheirexperiencesaswell.

Can’tGoThereProcesscoachingoftenshowsupwhentherivertakesaturnintoterritorytheclientdoesn’twanttoenter.Asacoach,yourcuriosityispiqued.Whereisittheclientdoesn’twanttogo?Whatisittheclientdoesn’twanttodealwith?Youmayhearanynumberofexplanations:“Idon’twantanymorechaosorjudgment,”“Idon’twanttoworryaboutmoney,”“Ican’tbewiththefailureIcreatedinmylastjob,”“Ican’tbewiththehappinessthispersonbringstomylife.”

Clientsareuncomfortable,sometimesdownrightmiserable,becausetheirlivesaretakingthemtoplaceswheretheydonotwanttogo.Clientsinthissituationwanttochangecourseandavoidthoseareas.Whattheyget,overtime,arelivesfilledwithavoiding.Theydon’trealizewhatitcoststhemtocutoutthosepartsoftheirlives.Sodrawalargecircletorepresenttheclient’swholelife(seeFigure6).Nowstartmarkingoffthepiecestheclientdoesn’twanttobewith.Colorthepiecesinandnamethem:thisistheangertheclientcan’tbewith…the

disappointment…therisktaking.Aseachpieceiscoloredin,thereislesslifeleftfortheclient,anditbecomesharderandhardertonavigatearoundallthe“don’tgothere”zones.

FIGURE6RedirectingtheFlowProcesscoachinghelpsclientsdevelopthecapacitytobe

withconditionstheyhavebeendenyingoravoiding.Muchofourworkascoachesishelpingclientsdiscoverwhatistrue,real,andimportant,sothattheycanchoosewell.Wecouldalsosaythatourjobistohelpclientsstopavoiding,pretending,anddenying.Fromthisempoweredplace,theywillbeabletomakebetterdecisionsandbestrongerintheirrelationshipsatworkandathome.

WhereDoYouStop?Beforeweleavethesubjectofexploringthehardplaces,weshouldaskapointedquestion:Whatareasinyourlifearehardforyoutobewithorexplore?Theanswerisimportantbecausethesearetheplacesyou’llbereluctanttogotowithyourclients.Youmightevenstopinyourcoachingratherthangetintotheseplaces.Let’ssayyouhavetroubledealingwithmoneyorangerorrejection.Youmayavoidtheseareasinyourcoaching.Yetthesemaybetheplacesyourclientsneedandareevenwillingtoexplore.Ifyouarenotconsciousofyourownoff-limitsareas,you’llshortchangeyourclients,becauseassoonastheystarttogothere,you’llsteerthemaway.Coaches,therefore,mustdotheirownrigorousprocessofself-discovery—ideallywiththeirowncoach.Begintoworkontheseareassotheycanbeincludedinyourownlifeandbecomeaccessibleinyourworkwithcoachingclients,too.

CHAPTER11PuttingItAllTogether

Sofar,wehavespokenofthethreecoreprinciplesasdistinctpathwaysofcoaching.Inseparatingthemforthebook,wemayhaveleftanimpressionthatacoachingsessionfollowsoneconsistentprinciplefromfirstquestiontofinalaccountability.Infact,inthecourseofasinglecoachingsession,you,ascoach,arelikelytoweavetogetherelementsofallthreeprinciples:fulfillment,balance,andprocess.

IntegratingthePrinciplesWemightthinkofthethreeprinciplesasthreedifferentsetsoftools.Whencoachandcoacheeexplorevalues,afuturevision,ortheself-sabotagethatcankeepacoacheefromachievinghervision,thecoachispullingfromthefulfillmenttoolkit.Whenthecoachhelpsclientslookatanissuefromavarietyofdifferentviewpointsorconsiderplansoractionoptions,thetoolkitisbalancebased.Thecoachwhoformsacontaineraroundthecurrentmomentanddelvesmoredeeplyintoitisinthegeneralareaofprocess.Sohowdoyou,ascoach,decidewhichtoolsettobeginwith?Andhowdoyourecognizethatitistimetoshifttoadifferentprinciple?TheshortansweristhatthecoachingdirectioncomesfromlisteningatLevelsIIandIII.

Aswehavesaidfromtheoutset,intheCo-Activecoachingmodel,thegoalsandfocusareasforthecoaching,andtheissuesforanygivencoachingsession,comefromtheclient.Clientssettheagendaforthecoachingrelationshipandeach

coachingsession.Thatistheirresponsibility.Itisthecoach’sresponsibilitytodeterminewhichcoaching

approachtotake.Theclientisactuallycountingonthecoachtotakechargeofthecoachingdirectionandflow.Thecoachchoosesadirection,beginningwiththeclient’sveryfirststatementinthesession.Inourlisteningmodel,wesaythatthecoachispayingattentiontotheclient,awareofthestrengthoftheone-to-oneconnection,listeningatLevelII.Thecoachisalsopayingattentiontotheclient’sshiftingtone,thepaceofspeakingorbreathing,theatmospherethatiscreated,andisevengaugingthestrengthoftherelationshipitself:istheclientmovingcloser,driftingaway,runningaway,defending?ThisisthecoachlisteningatLevelIII.Forthecoach,theinformationaboutwheretogonextwiththecoachingisrightthere,inthemoment,intheLevelIIandLevelIIIlistening.Thisiscrucialforcoachesworkinginthismodel.Coacheslistenforanoverallsenseofstrengthorweaknessandusethatinformationtohelpformthenextquestionordecidewhichskilltoapplynext.

Thisisdefinitelyanartthatrequiresattentivelisteningandthendancingwithwhatevershowsup.Itisnotatechniquetobelearned,asin“Whentheclientresponds‘A,’thenthecoachasks‘B.’”Itdoesn’tworkthatway.Italsodoesn’tworkforyou,ascoach,tohaveyourattentiononthetoolset,thinkingaboutwhichprincipleyouareworkingin,whichcontextofthemodelyouareusing,orwhatskilltopickfromtheglossary.ThisisawarenessatLevelI,andwhenyouareatthislevel,youhavedisconnectedfromtheclient.Ithappenstothebestcoachesfromtimetotime,andcoachesthenneedtorecoverandreconnectwiththeclient.

Noticewehavespecificallysaidreconnectwiththeclient

ratherthanreconnectwiththeclient’sissue.Incoaching,ourprimaryresponsibilityistohelpclientsdeterminetheirbestcourseofactionandsupporttheminstayingontrack,helpingthemuncoverthelearningforthemselvessothattheybecomemoreresourcefulovertimeratherthanmoredependentonthecoachforanswers.Ascoaches,wearealwaysempoweringourclients.

Thisurgetoidentifythe“problem”asquicklyaspossibleandfindasolutionintheblinkofaneyeisembeddedintheculture.Yes,ofcourse,therearetimeswhenitiscrucialtosolveproblemsquickly,butincoaching,wetakealongerviewofclientsandtheirlives.Inourmodelofcoaching,coachesareholdingtheclient’sbig-“A”agenda—aresonant,fulfillinglife,alifeofchoiceandpurposeandexpression.Wehelpclientslookattheissuestheybringtocoachingwithinalargercontext.Forcoaches,itisaprofessionalhazardtobeseducedintowantingtounderstandallofthecircumstancesaroundaclient’sissue,asifourunderstandingwouldmakeusbetterequippedtohelpourclients.Inalmosteverycase,weoverestimatewhatweneedtoknow.Afterall,clientsaretheexpertsontheirownlivesandworksituations;thecoachisexpertinhelpingthemfindthenextcourseofactionandreapthelearningfromtheactiontheytake.

Weshouldnoteherethatthereisnosuperficialclientissue,onlysuperficialcoaching.Thereisalwayssomethingimportantunderneaththesituationpresented,oritwouldnotbeworththeclient’sorthecoach’stime.Partofthecoach’sjobistolookforwhatevermakesanissueimportantinaclient’slife.Everyclientsituationhaswithinitthepotentialtomovetheclientclosertohisversionoffulfillment,balance,orbetterprocessin

life.Theissuethataclientbringsisapieceofamuchlargerpuzzle.Itshouldbetreatedwithrespect—notasaproblemtobesolvedsothatitdisappearsbutratherasanopportunitytomovetowardalargergoal.Intheend,thisistherealleverageofcoaching:notananswertoasingleissue,butamoreempoweredandresourcefulclientlivingamorealiveandrewardinglife.

SampleCoaching:IntegratingtheThreePrinciplesClient:Pickingupwhereweleftofflasttime…I’mstillplayingwiththepossibilityofbuyingthebusinessItalkedabout.

COACH:You’vebeengatheringdata…Client:…andItalkedtothebrokeragain.COACH:Asyouviewthispotentialacquisition,whereareyoutoday?What’sthebigpicture?(Vision:fulfillment)

Client:Thebigpictureis,it’srisky.COACH:Inotice“risky”hasn’tstoppedyoubefore.Infact,risktakingisabigvalueofyours.Whatisthereaboutthisriskthat’sdifferent?(Values:fulfillment)

Client:It’scomplex.COACH:Let’strytopullitapartalittle.Firstofall,Itrustyouhaveawaytomakesurethefinancialpicturemakessensetoyou.

Client:I’mgoingtogooverallofthatwithmypartnerandtheCPAwe’vebeenworkingwith,butbasically,theanalysisishandled.Bythistimenextweek,we’llknoweverythingweneedtoknow.

COACH:Sothereissomefinancialrisk.Isthattheriskypart?

Client:Notreally.I’mfamiliarwithspreadsheets,andIcanmakeasolidbusinessdecisionbasedonthenumbers.

COACH:Sowhatisatriskhere?Client:Yourememberthatthemewetalkedabout,thethemeforthisyear?Myslowingdown.

COACH:“Gettingoffthehighway,”Ithink,wasthewayyouexpressedit.

Client:Well,ifIdecidetobuythisbusiness,itwon’tbe“gettingoffthehighway”;itwillbe“movingintothefastlane.”

COACH:Yourvoicejustshiftedthere.Whathappened?(Inthemoment:process)

Client:Icanfeelthepressurebuilding.COACH:What’sthefeeling?(Beingwith:process)Client:Asenseofdread.COACH:Whatsortofimagecomestomindwhenyouletyourselffeelthedread?

Client:Igetallhunchedoverattheshoulders,likeI’mcarryingaheavyweight.

COACH:That’swhatitfeelslikewhenyoulookatthedecisionthroughthelensof“movingintothefastlane.”Whatifyoucouldlookatthisacquisitionthroughthelensofyourtheme,“gettingoffthehighway”?Whatwouldthatbelike?(Perspectives:balance)

Client:Thatwouldbeastretch.COACH:Wanttotryit?Client:Sure.(Coachandclientexplorethisandseveralotherperspectives.)

COACH:Whatareyoutakingawayfromthecoachingtoday?

Client:Twothings:one,thatIcanhandlethefinancialanalysis,andtwo,thefinancialanalysisisonlyonepartofthedecision.What’sreallyimportantishowthisdecisionimpactsmylife.IseethatIgetaddictedtotheexcitementofmakingadealandcanlosetrackofwhat’sreallyimportanttomeinthelongrun.

COACH:Ihaveahomeworkinquiryforyoutoreflecton.Ready?

Client:Yes.COACH:Whatisthepayoffyoumostwantfromthispotentialacquisition?(Big-“A”agenda:fulfillment)

Client:That’sgood.I’lltakethaton.

TheCoach’sCommitmentJusthowfaryouarewillingtogoforthesakeofyourclients’fulfillinglife?Andatwhatpointdoyousettleintoastateofcomfort—especiallywithclientsyouenjoyworkingwith—andfindyourselfsupportingonlyaportionoftheirdreamorholdingavisionoftheirpotentialthatiswithinreach,satisfactorybutnotgreat?Itcanhappen,unconsciously,andit

isareminderthat,ascoaches,weneedtobeconstantlyvigilant,constantlyholdingavisionforourclientsthatonsomedaystheyarenotabletoholdforthemselves.

Clientscountonyoutogivethemyour100-percentcommitment.Bealerttothosetimeswhenyoubegintobuyintotheirstorieswithoutquestion.Bewillingtopushback,tosuggestacontrarypointofviewjustforthesakeoftheirexploration,sotheyareforcedtobeclearandrigorousinthestandstheytake.WhenyourclientspresenttheportraitoftheirworldasifitisTheTruthandyoufindyourselfnoddinginagreement,pauselongenoughtoquestiontheunderlyingassumptions.Forexample,whenclientssaythingslike“I’msobusy,socommitted,Idon’thavetimeto…,”becomecurious.Itmaybetruethataclientistoobusy,butitmayalsobeanexcusethatallowsthispersontoavoidadifficultchoicethatwouldworkoutbestinthelongrun.Youmightwonder,“Whatistheclientreallycommittedto,afterall?”

Ascoach,youarethemodelofcourageousquestioning.Partofyourjobistobeblunt,saytheunpopularorevenunreasonablething,forthesakeofclientsreachingtheirpotential,livingtheirfulfillinglife,howevertheydefineit.Iflivingafulfillinglifeisaradicalact,aswehavesaid,thentherewillbetimeswhenyourswillbethevoiceoffiercecourage.Youneedtobewillingtoaskthetoughquestionortellthehardtruth,evenifitmeansyourclientswillnotlikewhattheyhear.Theremaybetimeswhenyoumustbewillingtogotoofarandmaybeevenbefired.Sometimesthetoughestquestionisforthecoach:“Whatareyoureallycommittedto,afterall?”

SampleCoaching:CourageousQuestioningCOACH:Isthatyourfinaldecision?Client:Yes.I’llbemovingbacktomyhometownassoonasIcanmakethearrangements—maybeinamonth.

COACH:I’msurprised.Client:Iknow.COACH:Look,Kathy,it’syourlife.Youhavetochoosewhatyouthinkisbest,butasyourcoachandsomeonewhoreallybelievesinyou,IhavetosayI’mconfused.

Client:Andalittleirritated,itsoundslike.YouthinkI’msellingoutagain.

COACH:Don’tyou?Client:I’mtiredoffighting.COACH:Iunderstand.I’veseenyoubattle.I’veseenyoufacetherejectionletters,workthepart-timejob,writelateintothenight.I’veseenthatstruggle.Wheredidthatdeterminationcomefrom?

Client:MaybeIwasjustfoolingmyself.COACH:I’mgoingtopushbackhere.YoutellmeifIgotoofar.

Client:Itjustseemssohopeless.COACH:Idon’tremember“hope”onyourlistofvalues.Irememberthedream.Irememberthewomanwhocametothiscityfilledwithfireanddetermination,takingastandforherlifeandbelievinginherself.

Client:Iwasprettywide-eyed.

COACH:Irememberlotsofdoubt,too.Dayswhenyouweredown.Idon’tbelievethefirehasgoneout.Ijustdon’tbelieveit.

Client:Themoney’salmostgone.Myjobisboring.I’mnothavinganyfun.ThisisnotthedreamIsignedupfor.

COACH:Iunderstandthat,andIhavearequest:takeabreakfromthewriting,butdon’ttakeanyactionaboutmoving.Willyoudothat?

Client:ButifI’mnotwriting,what’sthepoint?I’mjustpunchingaclock.

COACH:You’retired.Thedreamistired,too.Giveitarest.Whenwetalknextweekwecanseehowyou’redoing.Areyouwilling?YoucansaynoandI’llletitgo,butI’mtrulyaskingonyourbehalf—onbehalfofthepersonwhobelievesshewasborntowrite.

Client:Yes.Okay.Forthatperson.

WearingMultipleHatsWhathappenswhenthecoachreallydoeshaveexpertisethatwouldbevaluabletoclients?Itseemsunfair,maybeevenunprofessional,toholdbackinformationorexperiencethatcouldsaveclientsfrommakingcostlymistakesorsimplyhelpthemcutthroughalongandwanderinglearningprocess.Thekeyinthissituationistobeclear,onseveraldifferentlevels.

First,askyourself,whethertheinformationyouhaveistrulyrelevanttotheclientandtheclient’ssituation.What,specifically,willthisclientgainfromyourcontribution?Second,beclearwithyourselfandyourclientthatyouarenot

wearingyourcoach’shat.Youarewearingthehatofsomeonewhohasspecificexpertiseorexperienceintheareaunderdiscussion.Third,makesureyourclientwantstheinformation.Askpermission,evenifyouarecertainthattheclientwillsayyes.Askingpermissionbeforeofferingsuggestionspreservestheintegrityofthecoachingrelationship.Andbereadyforclientstosaythatthey’dratherfindoutontheirown.Fourth,beclearthatyouareofferingthiswithoutattachment.Themomentyoubelieveyouhavetherightanswerortherightway,youhavebeguntoimposeyouragendaontheclient’saction.Beclearthatyouareofferingthiswithnostringsattached.

Anotherareainwhichtoestablishclarityisthedesignofyouralliancewiththeclient.Insomecases,clientswillchooseacoachspecificallybecausethatcoachhasrelevantexperience.Theyhireacoachwhotheybelieveunderstandstheirworld.Whenthatisthecase,itisimportanttotalktoclientsaboutyourcoachingroleversusaconsultingormentoringrolesothattheyknowwhattoexpect.Bothclientandcoachshouldcontinuetorevisitthedesignoftherelationshipasnecessaryasthecoachingproceeds.

DistinctionsAmongCoaching,Consulting,andMentoringAsyoucansee,thereispotentialforconfusionamongthesedifferentroles,andthatconfusionisgrowingastheterm“coaching”spreadsaroundtheworld,especiallyinorganizations.AgrowingnumberofconsultantsworkingwithorganizationshaveaddedcoachingtotheirlistofserviceswithoutmakingthedistinctionsbetweencoachingandconsultingthatwehavemadewiththeCo-Activecoachingmodel.Wearenotsayingthatoneisrightandtheotheris

wrong—onlythatthelackofdistinctionislikelytocreatemoreconfusionforpeoplewhohirecoachesandconsultants.

Coachingandconsultingcanworktogetherveryeffectively.Thereisanobviousroleforconsultantswhobringspecificskills,experience,andanalyticalprocessestoasituation.Theyarepaidtounderstandtheproblemandpresentworkablesolutions.Coachinghelpsembedthenecessarychangesandsupportstheorganizationasitappliesthesolutionsandmakesthetransition.Coachingisanidealsupporttohelpensurethatthenewchangetakesrootintheorganization.

Inadditiontobeingclearaboutyourrole,itisjustasimportanttobeclearabouttheboundariesofcoaching.Ifyouaregivingclientsadvice,youneedtobeclearthatyouhavetheauthorityandpermissiontogivethatadvice.Ifyouareprovidingprofessionalservicesthatrequirealicenseorcertification,youneedtobeauthorized.Thisistrueofmedical,legal,andfinancialadviceandanyotherareasinwhichpracticeisrestrictedbylaw.Ifyouhaveanydoubtastotheproprietyofofferingadvice,itisalwaysbesttoasktheclienttofindaqualifiedsourceofinformation.Somecoachesmaintainafileofreferralsourcesforsituationslikethis.

TherapyandCoachingDrawingtheboundarybetweenpsychotherapyandcoachingmaysometimesbeconfusingforcoaches.Itisespeciallyconfusingwhencoachesassumethatemotionistherealmoftherapyandthattheyneedtosteerawaywheneveremotionappearsincoaching.Actually,asweexplainedinChapter10,emotionsarepartofthehumancondition.Theyareasnaturalincoachingconversationsasinanyotherhumanconversation,

especiallyanymeaningfulhumanconversation.Whenclientstalkopenlyabouttheirgoalsanddreams,theirhard-wonvictoriesorself-sabotagingdefeats,thereisalwaysthepossibilitythattheywilltapintotheunderlyingemotion.

Unfortunately,theboundarybetweencounselingandcoachingisnotdefinedbyasetofabsoluterulesandterms.Counselingandcoachingoftenoverlap,especiallywithsomecontemporarytherapymodalities.Whatdoesseemclearisthat,ingeneral,therapistsaretrainedtodiagnoseemotionalproblemsandworkwithclientstohealtheemotionalwounds,whilecoachesarenottrainedtodiagnoseanddonotfocusonhealingemotionalwounds.Regardlessofthatdistinction,itisalsotruethatwhenclientsincoachingmakecourageouschoicesintheirlives,theyoftenexperienceasenseofhealing,ofbreakingoldpatternsandoldbonds,ofsteppingoutofaconfiningboxandintoanewstrength.Coaching,however,doesnotfocusontheemotionalproblem.Emotionmaybepresentintheconversation,butitisnottheworkofthecoaching.Aslongascoachesfocusonthethreeprinciplesandthecontextsandskillsofcoaching,theyareverylikelytostaywithinbounds.(TheCoachesToolkitonlineathttp://www.coactive.com/toolkitincludestheethicalstandardsforprofessionalcoachespublishedbytheInternationalCoachFederation.)

TheExpandingWorldofCoachingIntheyearssincethefirsteditionofthisbookwaspublished,coachinghasenteredthemainstreamoflifeandwork,oneverycontinentandinnearlyeverywalkoflife.Whereitoncefocusedontwomaincategories,personalcoachingfor

individualsandexecutivecoachingforcorporateexecutivesandmanagers,todayithasevolvedandspunoffintohundredsofvariationsandhybrids.

Youwillfindcoachesworkingwithindividualsateverystageoflifeandindifferentlifecircumstances.Forexample,coachesnowworkwithsuchdiversegroupsasteenagersconsideringcollegeandcareerchoices,collegestudentsexploringlifeandwork,couplesconsideringmarriage,marriedcoupleswhowantbetterrelationships,individualswhoarechangingjobsorcareersorarerelocating,workerspreparingforretirement,andindividualsfacinglife-alteringorterminalillnesses.Coachesmayspecializeinworkingwithcertaingroups,suchasseniorexecutives,biotechworkers,artistsandmusicians,teachers,at-riskteens,ordirectorsandvolunteersatnonprofitorganizations.

Oneareaofdramaticgrowthforcoachinginrecentyearsisthecoachwhoworkswithteamsinorganizations.Ateamisalivingentitywithvalues,vision,personality,evenitsownself-limitingbeliefs.Inthiscase,the“client”istheteamasawhole,notsimplytheindividualteammembers.Andyettheteamdynamiccannotbeseparatedfromtheindividualpersonalitiesanddistinctinterestsofeachteammember.Balancinggroupandindividualinterestsisachallengingcombinationforteamcoaches,andcanbeaveryrewardingcoachingexperience.

Somecoachescombinetheirworkwithotherinterestareas,includingoutdooractivitiessuchasriverraftingandrockclimbing,financialplanning,publicspeaking,timemanagement,andfitnesswork.Ortheycombinecoachingwithanarrayofrelatedservicesthatmightincludestrategicplanning,communicationstraining,orleadershipdevelopment.

FortheProfessionalCoachThefollowingsuggestionsforprofessionalcoachesrangefromconsideringthecoachingformtooptionssuchasprovidingcoachingasacomplementtootherwork.

TheCoachingFormatAswehavenotedthroughoutthebook,thereisnosingle,universal,orofficialformatforcoaching.Coachesandcoachingformatscomeineverysize,shape,andcolor.Factorstoconsiderincludethefollowing:timeframe,coachingmedium,andlengthandfrequencyofsessions.

TimeFrame.Somecoachingrelationshipsareopen-endedandongoing.Theyoftenstartwithanagreed-onminimumlength,suchasthreemonths,butcancontinueforyears.Thecoachingrelationshipbecomespartoftheclient’ssupportsystemasshecontinuestomakeimportantchangesandfacesnewtransitionsandunexpectedchallenges.

Othercoachingrelationshipsarebuiltonafixedlength,suchassixmonthsorayear.Thisisoftenthecaseforcoachesworkingwithclientsinorganizationsorforconsultantswhoincludecoachingasameansofimplementingchangesorprograms.

LengthandFrequencyofSessions.AccordingtoInternationalCoachFederationsurveys,themostcommonformforcoachingisathirty-minutephonesessionthreeorfourtimesamonth.However,thebestanswertothequestions“Howlong?”and

“Howoften?”is“Whateverworksbestforcoachandclient.”

Thisisacoreexampleofdesigninganalliancethatworksfortherelationship.Thatdoesn’tnecessarilymeanbothcoachandclientneedtocompromiseuntiltheyfindcommonground.Itdoesmeanthatcoachesneedtobeclearaboutwhatafulfillingworklifelookslikeandbewillingtotakeastandforit.Soif,asacoach,youfeelthatyouaremosteffectiveworkingwithclientsforforty-fiveminutesoranhour,youneedtobeclearwithprospectiveclientsaboutyourworkstyle.Andifyouhaveastrongpreferenceonfrequencyofsessions,it’simportanttobuildthatintotheworkingpoliciesforyourpractice.Therearecoacheswhoworkwithclientsonceamonthoreveryweek—eveneverydayforaperiodoftimeiftheyarefocusedonapressingdeadline.Frequencyisultimatelyacombinationofpreferenceandnegotiation.Formanycoaches,ittakesayearortwoofexperimentationtofindthepacethatworksbestwiththeirindividualstyle.

ClientRelationshipsInthisbook,weemphasizecoachingone-to-onewithindividualclients.Somecoaches,however,prefertoworkwithcouples,partnerships,families,workgroups,orteams.Othersdoacombinationofindividualandteamcoaching.Thekey,inourexperience,istobeveryclearaboutyourniche,yourpassion,yoursenseofmission.Youwillbemostsuccessful,andmostinspired,whenworkingwiththepeopleyoucareaboutmost.

Forcoachesworkingwithindividualsorteamsinorganizations,thereisanotherlayerofconsideration—thethree-waydynamiccreatedamongthecoach,theclientor

coachee,andtheorganization.Forthesecases,thecoachneedstodesignathree-wayalliance.Issuesofconfidentialitymustbedefinedandrolesclarified.Doestheorganizationexpectareportfromthecoachorthecoachee?Whosetsthegoalsandcriteriaforthecoaching—clientororganization?Ifcoachingistobeeffective,theremustbesincerecommitmentonthepartofthecoachee,ortheworkmaymerelybeawayofexertingpressureoncompliance.

SpecialConsiderationsforInternalCoachesWeknowfromexperiencethattheCo-Activecoachingmodelworksaseffectivelywithinternalcoachesworkinginsideorganizationsasitdoeswithexternalcoaches.Wehaveyearsoffeedbackfrominternalcoachesinlargeandsmallcompanies,agencies,andnonprofitorganizationsaroundtheworld.Wealsoknowthattherearecertaindifferencesthatmustbeaddressedinorderforthecoachingtobeeffective.

Hereagain,athree-waydynamicisatplayamongtheinternalcoach,thecoachee,andtheorganizationorsponsor.Thesituationcanbequitesensitive,andinourexperience,thebestapproachistoestablishclarityofrolesandexpectationsintheearlydesignofthecoachingallianceinvolvingallthreeparties.Itisespeciallyimportantforinternalcoachestobeclearabouttheboundariesforthecoachingrelationship.Someorganizationsinsistthatthecoachingfocusonlyonperformancegoals;inotherorganizations,coachesareempoweredtohelpcoacheesclarifyandpursuethemostfulfillingandmotivatingpersonalpath,eveniftheseindividualsendupleavingtheorganization.Thereistremendouspowerinanorganizationthatisfueledbyfully

motivatedemployees,andmanyorganizationsareawarethatunmotivatedemployeesareadrainonmomentum.

CoachingAsaComplementtoOtherWorkChangethattakesroothappensovertimeandismostlikelytobesustainedwithattentionandsupport.Coachingisanidealcomplementtoprogramchangesandabeneficialfollow-upforactivitiesorexperiencesdesignedtoopenupnewinsightorlearning.Aworkshop,seminar,oroff-siteretreatcanhaveextraordinaryimpact,butthatimpactmayeasilyfadeasindividualsareseparatedfromtheexperienceovertime.Coachingkeepsthelearningalive;infact,itnourishestheseedsthatwereplantedinthatinitialexperience.Consultantsandteamleadersareturningtocoachingmoreandmoreasameansofsustainingchange.Experientialtrainers,guides,andprogramleadersareincorporatingongoingcoachinginordertocontinuetheworkthatbeganintheinitialadventureorexperience.

Everysystem—humanandnatural—resistschange.Inertiaisacompellingpowerthattendstokeepthingsastheyareandexertspressuretoreturntothewaythingshavealwaysbeen.Thereisalsoacomplementaryurgeforchangeineverysystem,butinthehumanworld,itseemstoneedafairamountofencouragementandsupport.Coachingisanidealmechanismforsustainingchange.

SoManyOptionsWeknowwehavebarelyscratchedthesurfaceofthewiderangeofpossibilitiesforcoaches.Therearemanybooksandotherresourcesavailableforcoacheswhoarelookingatlaunchingapractice.Thekey,wecontinuetoemphasize,for

newcoachesespecially,istodesignyourcoachingofferingsothatitisfulfilling—sothatitresonateswithyourvaluesandprovidesbalanceinyourownlife.Makeitadesignthatallowsyoutoloveandliveinthemoment.Inotherwords,letyourpracticebewhatyoupreach.

CoachingSkillsforaDifferentConversationCoachingismorethanaprofession.Itisalsoacommunicationmediumwithgroundrulesandexpectationsforconversation.Thisformofcommunicationisalsofindingitswayintobusinessmeetings,leadershipcourses,dialoguebetweenteachersandchildren,andwithinfamilies.Coachingemphasizesopenlistening,mutualrespect,clarity,andwillingnesstoengagewithevendifficultandemotionalconversations.DanielGoleman,withhisworkonemotionalintelligence,pavedthewayforbroadacceptanceofthisworldofopencommunication,especiallythecrucialimportanceofemotionalintelligenceasanecessaryqualityforeffectiveleaders.Today,theskillswemostassociatewithprofessionalcoachingarefindingtheirwayintoallsortsofconversations.

ImagineaWorldBackin1998,wewroteaboutaworldweimagined;aworldwherecoachingandcoachingskillswereanaturalpartofhumanrelationships.Thatvisionstillholdstoday,butwehaveagrowingsensethatwhatweonlyimaginedthenismoreandmorearealpartoftheworldweexperiencetoday.

Thoseofuswhohavetrainedcoachesandhavecoachedclientsknowtheextraordinaryimpactcoachingcanhaveon

people’slives.It’swhywecantakeastandwithsuchassurancefortransformativechange.Wehaveseenitsoofteninourclients.We’vefeltitinourownlivesaswell.Nowextrapolatefromthathandfulofpeopleinoneperson’scoachingcircletoawholeworldwherecoachingispartofeverydaylife.

Imagineaworldwherethefundamentalskillsandapproachofcoachingarewidelyused—notjustbycoaches,butbyeveryone.Whatifpeopleeverywheresimplyassumedthattheprinciplesoffulfillment,balance,andprocesswereabasicexpectationforeveryone?Whatiftheaxiomswetakeforgrantedincoachingrelationshipsfoundtheirwayintoeverydaylife?Imaginewhatthatwouldbelike.

Inthisworldwherefundamentalcoachingprinciplesabound,peoplewouldbecommittedtofulfillinglivesandwork.Theywouldbelesslikelytotoleratesecond-ratelivesandmorelikelytodecidetheywouldn’tsettleforanythinglessthanafullwayoflivingthatusedtheirtalentsandskillscompletely.Childrenwouldlearnthatfulfillmentisnotsomethingthatwillhappenforsomepeoplesomedaywhentheyarerichorfamous,butisavailableinthismoment,andeverymomentthatfollows,forthosewhoareonapathoffulfillment.

Imagineaworldwhereeveryonehasacompellingvisionofhiswork,asenseofchoiceandpurpose.Imagineaworldofpassionate,committedpeopledeterminedtomakeadifferenceinthelivesofothersastheylivelifefullythemselves.Thiswouldbeaworldthatreceiveseverybody’sbesteffort,everybody’sgift—insteadofmerelytheircompliance,theirbodiessittingatdesks,workingatmachines,orstandingbehindcounterswith10percentoftheirbrainsengaged.Althoughpeoplemightbeinthesameexactjobsinourimaginedworld,

theywouldhaveanentirelydifferentframeofreference,adifferentattitudeastheywakeupinthemorning.Thevalueofworkwouldchangebecauseitwouldnolongerbeaboutwhatjobyouhavebutaboutthedifferenceyoumakeandthevaluesyouhonorintheworkyoudo.

Imagineaworldwheretheaxiomsofcoachingoperateeverywhere:ininterpersonalrelationships,workdynamics,andinternationalrelations.Imaginethedifferenceitwouldmakeifpeopledesignedthealliancebeforeembarkingonabusinessprojectorarelationship.Whatwoulditbelikeifpeopleroutinelytoldthetruthtooneanother—eventhehardtruth—andinsistedonnothinglessthanthatwithoutfeelingtheneedtoerectdefenses?Imaginehowourpoliticalsystemwouldchangeifpeoplefeltfreetosimplytellthetruth.

Imagineaworldwherepeoplearecommittedtotrulylisten,notonlytothewordsbuttoeverythingbehindthewords.Whatifweheldoutthebiggestpicturepossibleofwhatweandourchildrencouldbeinsteadofpointingouteverybody’slimitations?Whatifwecametoexpectgreatnessinsteadoffailureorinadequacy,andtreatedfailure,whenithappens,notasadisgracebutasaformoffastlearning?Whatifweacknowledgedpeople’sstrengthsinsteadofpickingattheirflaws?

Thiswouldbeaworldofcuriosityandwonderandlisteninginextraordinaryways.Itwouldbeaworldinwhichweholdoneanothertoaccountforwhatwesaywewilldo,expectingthebesteffort.Inthisworld,wewouldbeascommittedtothetruthaboutourselvesasweweretothetruthwetoldothers.

Inthisworld,learningandgrowthwouldbevaluedovercomfortandappearance.Imagineaworldofcompellingvisions

setloosetocreateandprosper,totallysupported,totallyencouraged,totallycelebrated.Thiswouldbeatransformativeworldindeed.Imagine.

Glossary

Accountability.Accountabilityishavingyourclientsaccountforwhattheysaidtheyweregoingtodo.Itstemsfromthreequestions:(1)Whatareyougoingtodo?(2)Whenwillyouhavethisdone?(3)HowwillIknow?Accountabilitydoesnotincludeblameorjudgment.Rather,thecoachholdsclientsaccountabletotheirvisionorcommitmentandasksthemtoaccountfortheresultsoftheirintendedactions.Ifneedbe,holdingclientsaccountableincludesdefiningnewactionstobetaken.

Acknowledgment.Acknowledgmentaddressestheselfandwhoclientshadtobeinordertoaccomplishtheactiontheytookortheawarenesstheyachieved.Itisthearticulationofyourdeepknowingoftheother.

“Iacknowledgethecourageittookforyoutoshowupforthissession,knowingthatyouhaddifficultthingstosharewithmetoday.”

Agenda:big-“A”agenda.Thebig-“A”agendaisthemeta-view,orhowclients’choicesandactionsrelatetotheirbig-pictureagendas.Thisiswhereclientslearnmoredeeplyabouthowtheyoperate.Atitscore,thebig-“A”agendaconsistsofthethreeprinciplesofCo-Activecoaching:fulfillment,balance,andprocess.Itassumesthatclientswantthesethreethings:(1)tolivefulfillinglives,(2)tobeinbalanceaboutthoselives,and(3)tobepresentintheprocessoflife.Thecoachinteractswithclientsholdingthisbig-“A”agendaatall

times.

Agenda:little-“a”agenda.Thelittle-“a”agendaconsistsofthesmallpicture,thecircumstancesintheclient’slife,hisorheragendaofthemoment.Thisagendaisfocusedonaparticularevent,ontheclient’schoicesaroundthatevent,orontheactionstheclientwilltakerelatedtothatspecificevent.

Articulatingwhat’sgoingon.Thisskillinvolvestellingclientswhatyouseethemdoing.Itmaybewhatyou’rehearingwithyourLevelIIlistening,oryoumaytellthemwhattheyhavenotsaidbasedonyourLevelIIIlisteningandawareness.Sometimes,itispowerfultosimplyrepeattheirwordsbacktothemsotheycanreallyhearthemselves.

“Debbie,Iknowhowmuchyouwanttochangeyourrelationshipwithyourdad,yetIhearyouareinteractingwithhimthewayyoualwayshave.”“You’reannoyedthatyourmanagerdidn’tconsideryourworkloadwhensheassignedyoutothisnewproject.”

Askingpermission.Thisskillenablesclientstograntthecoachingrelationshipaccesstounusuallyintimateorsometimesuncomfortableareasoffocus.

“MayItellyouahardtruth?”“Isitallrighttocoachyouonthisissue?”“MayItellyouwhatIsee?”

Bottom-lining.Thisistheskillofbrevityandsuccinctnessonthepartofboththecoachandtheclient.Itisalsoabouthaving

clientsgettotheessenceoftheircommunicationratherthanengaginginlong,descriptivestories.

Brainstorming.Usingthisskill,coachandclienttogethergenerateideas,alternatives,andpossiblesolutions.Somemaybeoutrageousandimpractical.Thisismerelyacreativeexercisetoexpandthepossibilitiesavailabletoclients.Neithercoachnorclientisattachedtoanyoftheideassuggested.

Challenge.Achallengeisarequestthatstretchesclientswaybeyondtheirself-imposedlimitsandshakesupthewaytheyseethemselves.Achallenge,likearequest,includesthreethings:(1)aspecifiedaction,(2)conditionsofsatisfaction,and(3)adateortimeofcompletion.Clientswillrespondtoachallengewithayes,ano,oracounteroffer.Frequently,thecounterofferisgreaterthantheconcessiontheyinitiallyintendedtomake.

Aclientwantstomakecoldcallstoincreasehisbusiness.Hethinkshecanmakeonlyonecalladay.Youchallengehim:“Ichallengeyoutomakefiftycallsaday!”Theclientcounterofferswith“I’llmakeseven.”

Championing.Championingclientsmeansstandingupforthemwhentheydoubtorquestiontheirabilities.Despitetheirself-doubt,thecoachknowsclearlywhotheyareandthattheyarecapableofmuchmorethantheythink.

Clarifying.Whenclientsareunabletoarticulateclearlywhattheywantorwheretheyaregoing,thecoachclarifiestheir

experience.Clarificationmaybeusedinresponsetotheclient’svaguesenseofthedesiredoutcome,confusion,oruncertainty.Thisskillrepresentsasynergisticapplicationofquestioning,reframing,andarticulatingwhatisgoingon.Itisparticularlyusefulduringthediscoveryprocess.

Clearing.Clearingisaskillthatcanbenefiteithertheclientorthecoach.Whenclientsarepreoccupiedwithasituationoramentalstatethatinterfereswiththeirabilitytobepresentortakeaction,thecoachassistsbybeinganactivelistenerwhiletheyventorcomplain.Bothclientandcoachholdtheintentionofclearingtheemotionalityfromthesituation.Thisactivelisteningallowsclientstotemporarilyclearthesituationoutofthewayandfocusontakingthenextstep.Whenacoachgetshookedbyaclientinteractionorispreoccupiedwithissuesthatdonotpertaintotheclient,thecoachcanclear.Thecoachclearsbysharinghisorherexperienceorpreoccupationwithacolleagueorafriendinordertoshowupandbefullypresentwiththeclient.

Dancinginthismoment.Coachesaredancinginthismomentwhentheyarebeingcompletelypresentwiththeclient,holdingtheclient’sagenda,accessingtheirintuition,lettingtheclientleadthem.Whencoachesdanceinthemoment,theyareopentoanystepstheclienttakesandarewillingtogointheclient’sdirectionandflow.

Designedalliance.Coachesandclientsbegindesigningtheirallianceduringthediscoverysession.Bothclientandcoachareintimatelyinvolvedindesigningthecoachingrelationshipthat

willbemostbeneficialtotheclient.Designedalliancestendtoshiftovertimeandneedtoberevisitedregularly.

Goalsetting.Clientslivetheirbig-“A”agendasbysettinggoalsandfollowingthrough.Goalskeepclientsfocusedandontracktowardthepeopletheyarebecoming.Goalsarenotthesameasaction;theyarethedesiredresultsofaction.InCo-Activecoaching,goalsshouldbespecific,measurable,accountable,resonant,andthrilling(SMART).

Grantingrelationshippower.Thecoachingrelationshipisseparatefromtheclientandthecoach.Becausethepowerofcoachingresidesintherelationshipbetweencoachandclient,notwitheitherofthetwoindividuals,bothcoachandclienttakeresponsibilityforcreatingthecoachingrelationshipthatwillmostfullyservetheclient,therebygrantingpowertotherelationship.

Holdingtheclient’sagenda.Whencoachesholdtheclient’sagenda,theyletgooftheirownopinions,judgments,andanswersinsupportoffacilitatingtheclient’sfulfillment,balance,andprocess.Coachesfollowtheclient’sleadwithoutknowingtherightanswer,givingsolutions,ortellingtheclientwhattodo.Holdingtheclient’sagendarequirescoachestoputtheirwholeattentionontheclientandtheclient’sagenda,notontheirownagendafortheclient.

Holdingthefocus.Onceclientshavedeterminedadirectionoracourseofaction,thecoach’sjobistokeepthemontrackandtruetothatcourse.Clientsfrequentlybecomedistractedby

eventsintheirlives,bythefearsorconfusionthatcomewithbigchanges,orsimplybythewealthofavailableoptions.Thecoachconsistentlyremindsclientsoftheirfocusandhelpsredirecttheirenergybacktotheirdesiredoutcomesandlifechoices.

Homeworkinquiry.Whenthecoachgivestheclientapowerfulquestionashomework,theintentistodeepentheclient’slearningandprovokefurtherreflection.Clientsareaskedtoconsidertheinquirybetweensessionsoroveralongerperiodoftimeandtoseewhatoccursforthem.Theinquiryisusuallybasedonaparticularsituationthatclientsareaddressingatthetime.Aninquiryhasmultipleanswers,noneofwhichare“right.”

“Whatareyoutolerating?”“Whatisittobeundaunted?”“Whatischallenge?”

Intruding.Onoccasion,thecoachmayneedtointrude,tointerruptorwakeupclientswhoaregoingonandonorwhoarekiddingthemselves.Thecoachdoesthisforthesakeoftheclient’sagenda,oftenpointingtheclientinaspecificdirection:“Stopamoment.What’sattheheartofthis?”Intrusionisconsideredrudeinsomecultures.InCo-Activetraining,however,intrusionisviewedasbeingdirectwiththeclient,allowingtheclienttohonestlyassessandimmediatelydealwiththesituation.Sometimestheintrusionisahardtruth:

“Youarekiddingyourself.”Ortheintrusioncouldsimplybeastatementaboutwhatisgoingon,suchas“You’reskirtingtheissue.”

Intuiting.Intuitingistheprocessofaccessingandtrustingone’sinnerknowing.Intuitionisdirectknowing,unencumberedbythethinkingmind.Theprocessofintuitingisnonlinearandnonrational.Sometimestheinformationreceivedthroughintuitingdoesnotmakelogicalsensetothecoach;however,itisusuallyquitevaluabletotheclient.Intuitinginvolvestakingrisksandtrustingyourgut.

“Ihaveahunchthat…”“Iwonderif…”

Listening.Thecoachlistensfortheclient’svision,values,commitment,andpurposeasexpressedinwordsanddemeanor.Tolistenforistolisteninsearchofsomething.Thecoachlistenswithconsciousness,withapurposeandfocusthatcomefromthealliancedesignedwiththeclient.Thecoachislisteningfortheclient’sagenda,notthinkingaboutheragendafortheclient.InCo-Activecoaching,whencoacheslistentotheirownthoughts,judgments,andopinionsabouttheclient’sstory,they’relisteningatLevelI;listeningthatfocusesontheclientisLevelII,andgloballisteningisLevelIII.

Makingdistinctions.Onewaytohelpclientsseeasituationfromafreshperspectiveistohelpthemdistinguishbetweentwoormoreconcepts,facts,orideas.Forexample,theclientmayhaveblendedtwofactstogetherintoonedisempoweringbelief.Thebeliefappearstobeafactoflife,butit’snot.

“SinceIfailed,Iamafailure”(equatingfailingwithfailure).“IfImakemoney,thatmeansI’msuccessful”(equatingmoneywithsuccess).

Metaphor.Metaphorsareusedtoillustrateapointandpaintaverbalpicturefortheclient.

“YourmindislikeaPing-Pongballbouncingbetweenonechoiceandtheother.”“You’realmostatthefinishline.Goforit!Youcanwintherace!”

Meta-view.Themeta-viewisthebigpictureorexpandedperspective.Thecoachpullsback(orasksclientstopullback)fromclients’immediateissuesandreflectsbacktoclientswhatheseesthroughtheclarityofthatexpandedperspective.

“Ifyourlifewerelikearoad,andweweretotakeahelicopterrideupaboveit,whatwouldwesee?”

Perspective.Perspectiveisoneofthegiftsthatthecoachbringstothecoachingrelationship—notthe“right”perspective,butsimplyotherpointsofview.Partofcoachingisinvitingclientstoseetheirlivesorcertainissuesfromdifferentangles.Whenclientsseethingsfromonlyoneperspective,theyarelessresourcefulandmaybevictimizedbytheircircumstances.Whentheyareabletoreexaminetheirviewpoints,tolookattheirlivesorcertainissuesfromdifferentangles,theyareabletoseepossibilityandchange.

Planning.Thecoachhelpsclientsarticulatethedirectiontheywishtotakeandactivelymonitorstheirprogress.Clientsfrequentlybenefitfromsupportinplanningandtimemanagementasthecoachhelpsthemdeveloptheirskillsintheseareas.

Powerfulquestions.Apowerfulquestionevokesclarity,

action,discovery,insight,orcommitment.Itcreatesgreaterpossibility,newlearning,orclearervision.Powerfulquestionsareopen-endedquestionsthatdonotelicitayes-or-noresponse.Theyarederivedfromholdingtheclient’sagendaandeitherforwardingtheclient’sactionordeepeninghisorherlearning.

“Whatdoyouwant?”“What’snext?”“Howwillyoustart?”“Whatdoesthatcostyou?”“What’simportantforyoutoremember?”

Reframing.Withreframing,thecoachprovidesclientswithanotherperspectivebytakingtheoriginalinformationandinterpretingitinadifferentway.

Aclienthasjustbeeninformedthatshewasselectedassecondchoiceforahigh-poweredpositioninaverycompetitivemarket.Sheisdisappointedandisquestioningherprofessionalcompetence.Thecoachreframesthesituationbypointingoutthatbeingselectedassecondchoiceinsuchacompetitivemarketindicatesthehighqualityoftheclient’sexpertiseandexperience.

Requesting.Oneofthemostpotentcoachingskillsisthatofmakingarequestoftheclient.Therequest,basedontheclient’sagenda,isdesignedtoforwardtheclient’saction.Therequestincludesaspecifiedaction,conditionsofsatisfaction,andadateortimeforcompletion.Therearethreepossibleresponsestoarequest:(1)yes,(2)no,or(3)acounteroffer.

Saboteur.Thesaboteurconceptembodiesagroupofthoughtprocessesandfeelingsthatmaintainsthestatusquoinourlives.Itoftenappearstobeastructurethatprotectsus,butinfactitpreventsusfrommovingforwardandgettingwhatwetrulywantinlife.Thesaboteurwillalwaysbewithus.Itisneithergoodnorbad;itjustis.Thesaboteurlosesitspoweroveruswhenwecanidentifyitforwhatitis,noticeouroptionsinthesituation,andthenconsciouslychoosetheactionwereallywantatthattime.

Self-management.Thisskillinvolvesthecoach’sabilitytoputasideallopinions,preferences,judgments,andbeliefsinordertoholdtheclient’sagenda.Self-managementalsoincludesmanagingtheclient’ssaboteur.Thecoachcanaidclientsinidentifyingtheirsaboteurandthenprovidetoolsformanagingit.

Structures.Structuresaredevicesthatremindclientsoftheirvision,goals,orpurpose,ortheactionstheyneedtotakeimmediately.Collages,calendars,messagesonvoicemail,andalarmclockscanserveasstructures.

Takingcharge.Thecoachchoosesanddirectsthepathofthecoachinginordertoservetheclient’sagenda.Sometimesclientsbecomelostintheircircumstancesandforgetwhatmattersmosttothem.That’swhenthecoachneedstotakechargeanddirectthecoachingbacktowhatismostmeaningfultothem.

Values.Valuesrepresentwhoyouarerightnow.Theyare

principlesthatyouholdtobeofworthinyourlife.Peopleoftenconfusevalueswithmorals,buttheyarenotthesame.Valuesarenotchosen.Theyareintrinsictoyouandareasdistinctlyyoursasyourthumbprint.

Vision.Thisisamultifacetedmentalimagethatpersonallydefinesandinspirestheclienttotakeactionandcreatethatpictureinhisorherlife.Apowerfulvisionissensuous,exciting,andmagnetic,constantlyinspiringtheclienttotrytobringittofruition.Visionprovidesclientswithdirectionandmeaninginlife.

Witnessing.Witnessingmeansbeingauthenticallypresentwiththeclient.Thisskillcreatesthespaceforclientstofullyexpressthemselves.Whenthecoachwitnessestheclient’slearningandgrowth,theclientfeelsseenandknownataverydeeplevel.

AbouttheAuthors

HENRYKIMSEY-HOUSEHenryKimsey-House,CPCC,MCC,andoneofthefirstprofessionalcoachesinthe1980s,isthecofounderandleaddesigneroftheprovocative,experientiallearningprogramsofTheCoachesTrainingInstitute(CTI),theforemostcoachtrainingschoolintheworld.CTIanditsCo-Activephilosophyhaverevolutionizedthelivesandcareersofmorethan35,000managers,leaders,andcoachesthroughouttheworld.Anactorsinceagenine,Kimsey-Househonedhisinsightsintohumanemotionandthenarrativeprocessthroughclassicaltheatricaltrainingandyearsofstage,television,andfilmexperience.Withdeepconvictionthateducationshouldbedrivenbyimmersive,contextuallybasedlearningandnotdryinformationdumps,Kimsey-Houseiscommittedtocreatingrichlyengagingandtransformativelearningenvironmentswhereretentionapproaches80percentratherthanthetraditional20percent.Hecontinuestodevelopinnovativecurriculaandcollaboratewithotherdynamicthoughtleaders,andheiscompletingabookabouttransformativeleadership.Heliveswithhiswife,KarenKimsey-House,onthecoastofnorthernCalifornia.

KARENKIMSEY-HOUSEKarenKimsey-House,MFA,CPCC,andMCC,isthecofounderandCEOofTheCoachesTrainingInstitute(CTI),theforemostcoachtrainingschoolintheworld.Oneoftheearliestrecognizedluminariesinthecoachingprofession,shefoundedCTIin1992withLauraWhitworthandHenryKimsey-House.

TheycreatedtheCo-ActivephilosophyofrelationshipthatinformsCTI’sworld-renownedcoachingandleadershipprograms.Asuccessfulentrepreneur,Kimsey-HousefoundedanddirectedtheLearningAnnexSanFranciscoadulteducationprogramin1986andgrewitintooneofthemostadmiredprogramsunderthenationalLearningAnnexbrand.ShereceivedherMFAinCommunicationsandTheaterfromTempleUniversityinPhiladelphia.Committedtopioneeringco-activityinchallengedenvironmentsandtroubledpopulations,Kimsey-HousecontinuestoleadCTIworkshopsandisadynamickeynotespeakeraroundtheworld.Onamissionofglobal,transformativechange,sheliveswithherhusband,HenryKimsey-House,bythePacificOcean.

PHILLIPSANDAHLPhillipSandahliscofounderofTeamCoachingInternational(TCI),whichhelpsorganizationsexcelthroughthepowerofteams.SandahlandcofounderAlexisPhillipsaredevelopersoftheTeamDiagnostic™teameffectivenessmodelandasuiteoffourintegratedassessmenttoolsusedwithhundredsofteamsworldwide.TheoriginalTeamDiagnostic™assessmentisavailableineighteenlanguages,andtherearenowtrained,certifiedcoach/facilitatorsinthirty-threecountries.

SandahlisalsoisaformerseniorfacultymemberforTheCoachesTrainingInstitute.Hehasplayedanimportantroleintheinternationalgrowthofcoachingandisapioneerinthefieldofteamcoaching.Sandahlisaninternationallyrecognizedcoach,trainer,author,andspeaker.

Hecanbereachedat

Phillip@TeamCoachingInternational.comorthroughwww.teamcoachinginternational.com.

LAURAWHITWORTHAnearlypioneerinthefieldofprofessionalcoaching,LauraWhitworthbegancoachingexecutives,entrepreneurs,andotherprofessionalsin1988.Laurawasco-founderofTheCoachesTrainingInstitute,TheExecutiveCoachingSummit,ThePersonalandProfessionalCoachesAssociation,theAssociationofCoachTrainingOrganizations,theTimetoChangePrisonProject,andTheBiggerGameCompany.LaurapassedawayinFebruary2007afteralongbattlewithlungcancer.

Index

Aaccountability,82–83,153–154acknowledging,43–45,47,106action:inbalancecoaching,138–141descriptionof,13,78forwardof.Seeforwardanddeepen;locationof,153optionsfor,135

advice,101–103agenda:Big-”A,”120descriptionof,79little-”a,”120

aliveness,80–81,119–120articulating,40–41askingpermissionskill,104,146assessments,23–24authenticity,79–80awareness:ofcuriosity,67heightenedsenseof,40inlistening,32–33

Bbalance:daily,131findingof,141

focusof,142fulfillmentvs.,132importanceof,130overviewof,9–10

balancecoaching:action,138–141benefitsof,141choice,135commitment,136–137formulafor,132–141perspectives,132–134planning,136purposeof,131

“beingwith,”154bigpicture:articulatingskilland,40meta-viewof,42

Big-”A”agenda,120blurting,55,60bottom-liningskill,104–105boundaries,96,164–165brainstorming,20,88–89,135

Ccallingforth,85capability,3celebratingoffailure,83–84challenging,91–92,94championingskill,106–107,112–113

change:client’sdesirefor,78reactionsto,26resistanceto,169typesof,26

choice,135circumstances,4,132clarifying,41–42clearingskill,107–109,113client:accountabilityof,82–83agendaof.Seeagenda;callingforththeinnerstrengthof,85clearingby,107–109,113commitmentby,137empowermentof,16expectationsfor,22,82experiencingofsensationoremotionby,147focusareasfor,16goalsettingby,86–87internalstrengthsof,44,106intuitionof,60perspectivesof,132–134pointofviewof,131preoccupationby,107reconnectionto,158requestsfor,89–91strengthsof,44,106

closed-endedquestions,64–65,72coach:authenticityof,79–80

commitmentby,27,161–163distractionof,95–96evokingtransformationby,7–8exploringby,146fulfillmentroleof,128–129hearingby,145holdingbackby,98–99“hooked,”97internal,168intrudingby,57–58mentalpreparationfor,101roleof,14,158self-reflectionby,99–100takingchargeby,81–82withholdingofinformationby,163

coaching:boundariesfor,98–99,164–165ascomplementtootherwork,168–169contextsof,11–14curiosity’srolein,68–69directionof,158dynamicnatureof,15–16expertiseareas,166formatfor,21–22,166–167growthof,165–166mediumsfor,166–167mentalpreparationfor,101misunderstandingsabout,13

motivationfor,7orientationto,25–26rangeof,21sessionlengthandfrequency,167team,166,167–168therapyand,165timeframefor,167

coachingenvironment:alivenessin,80–81characteristicsof,17confidentiality,17–18definitionof,80openness,19–20safetyof,17spaciousness,19–20trust,18truthtelling,19variationsof,21

coachingrelationship:alivenessin,80–81commitment,27connection,80contextof,153curiositybenefitsin,66descriptionof,15–16diagramof,16elementsof,102gettingstarted,22–26logistics,22–23peer-based,15

powerin,11,16recommendationsfor,167–168structuresusedin,92–93

coachingskills:acknowledging,43–45,47articulating,40–41askingpermission,104,146blurting,60bottom-lining,104–105brainstorming,20,88–89,135challenging,91–92,94championing,106–107,112–113clarifying,41–42clearing,107–109,113curiosity-related,69–75distinctionmaking,110–112forwardanddeepen,86–92goalsetting,86–87homeworkinquiry,73–75,77intruding,57–58,61–62intuition-related,57–60metaphor,43,47meta-view,42–43,46–47non-coachuseof,170–171powerfulquestions,69–73,76recovery,103reframing,109–110requesting,89–91,94

self-management,103–112co-activecoachingcornerstones,3–8,16commitment:inbalancecoaching,136–137ofcoach,161–163courageand,81,162–163needfor,27powerof,137

compellingvision,25compliments,43confidentiality,17–18connection,80constructiveanalysis,99consulting,164context,43counseling,165courage,81,162–163creativity,3–4curiosity:awarenessto,67coachingskillsassociatedwith,69–75coachingusesof,68–69descriptionof,12–13,63developmentof,67directionthrough,66powerof,75practiceexercisesfor,76–77questionaskingand,63–65relationshipbuildingthrough,66astalent,67

valueof,65–69

D“danceinthismoment,”6decisionmaking,125–126designedalliance:definitionof,11descriptionof,20–21,168

desiredoutcomes,24–25disappointment,84disconnection,100discoveryprocess:assessments,23–24descriptionof,22desiredoutcomes,24–25futureoutcomes,24–25logistics,22–23

dissonance,127–128distinctionmakingskill,110–112

Eemotions,5,149–150empathy,31,36environmentallistening,38evokingtransformation,7–8experiencingofsensationoremotion,147exploring,146

Ffailure,83–84feelinggood,119feelings,149–153fluctuations,145focusedlistening,35–37forwardanddeepen:accountability,82–83aliveness,80–81authenticity,79–80brainstormingskill,88–89callingforth,85celebratingoffailure,83–84challengingskill,91–92,94coachingskillsassociatedwith,86–92connection,80courage,81goalsettingskill,86–87overviewof,78–79requestingskill,89–91,94structuresusedto,92–93takingcharge,81–82

fulfillment:alivenessand,119–120balancevs.,132coaching,124–128coach’sroleand,128–129definitionof,130descriptionof,170effortlessnessof,119

feelinggoodvs.,119focusof,142languageof,119–120levelofsatisfactionand,125lifepurposeand,126–127lookingfor,118overviewof,9,117–118personalnatureof,124valuesand,121–124

futureoutcomes,24–25

Ggloballistening,37–39goals:fulfillmentand,9settingof,86–87

gutresponse,54

Hhomeostasis,26homeworkinquiryquestion,73–75,77honesty,100“hooked,”97humor,150

Iinformationgathering,64–65

intelligence,intuitive,52–53internalcoach,168internallistening,33–35intruding,57–58,61–62intuition:accessto,38,54–57blurtingout,55,60client’suseof,60coachingskillsassociatedwith,57–60definingof,50descriptionof,5,12elusivenessof,53examplesof,48expressionof,51,55globallisteningand,38asgutresponse,54hintof,56interpretationof,50intrudingand,57–58,61–62observationas,53–54opennessto,51phrasingof,56–57practicewith,61speakingfrom,48trustingof,49unknownuniverseand,49–50

intuitiveintelligence,52–53

Kknowing:intuitionasformof.Seeintuition;observable,50

knownuniverse,49–50

Lleadingquestion,65learning:deepeningof.Seeforwardanddeepen;descriptionof,13failureand,83importanceof,78

LevelIlistening,33–35,45LevelIIlistening,35–37,46,158LevelIIIlistening,37–39,46,158levelofsatisfaction,125lifepurpose,126–127listening:acknowledgingskill,43–45,47activenatureof,33articulatingskill,40–41awarenessin,32–33clarifyingskill,41–42descriptionof,31–32environmental,38focused,35–37global,37–39impactof,33,40importanceof,11–12

internal,33–35LevelI,33–35,45LevelII,35–37,46,158LevelIII,37–39,46,158levelof,31–32metaphorskill,43,47meta-viewskill,42–43,46–47

little-”a”agenda,120logistics,22–23

Mmentalpreparation,101metaphor,43,47,146meta-view,42–43,46–47missionstatement,126morals,121–123

N“no,”137

Oobservation,53–54openquestions,64openness,19–20opinions,101–103outcomes,24–25

OverlyOptimisticPlanningSyndrome,136

Ppeerrelationship,15personalstyle,79perspectives,132–134pointofview,131possibilities,136power,11,16powerfulquestions,69–73,76praise,43principles:balance.Seebalance;fulfillment.Seefulfillment;integratingof,157–161process.Seeprocess

process:accountabilityand,153–154coach’srole,143–144lookof,143overviewof,10–11,142–143

processcoaching:“beingwith,”154exploringofdifficultsituations,154–155focusof,143goalof,142,146movementcreatedby,147–148shiftcreatedby,147stepsinvolvedin,144–148

psychotherapy,165

Qquestions:askingof,63–65,67benefitsof,67closed-ended,64–65,72courageous,161–163dumb,71–72homeworkinquiry,73–75,77informationgatheringand,64–65leading,65open,64powerful,69–73,76“why,”72–73

Rrecoveryskill,103reframingskill,109–110requesting,89–91,94resonance,119

Ssaboteur,4,128self-awareness,7,96–98self-discovery,155self-judgment,99–100self-management:askingpermissionskilland,104bottom-liningskilland,104–105

boundariesfor,98–99championingskilland,106–107,112–113clearingskilland,107–109,113coachingskillsassociatedwith,103–112descriptionof,14,95–96discretionin,102distinctionmakingskill,110–112elementsof,96practiceexercisesfor,112–113reactionsassociatedwith,97recoveryskilland,103reframingskilland,109–110self-awarenessand,96–98self-judgment,99–100

skills.Seecoachingskillsspaciousness,19–20spirituality,5strengthsofclient,44,106structures,92–93

Ttakingcharge,81–82teamcoaching,166,167–168therapy,165transformation,7–8trust,18truthtelling,19

turbulence,144–146

Uunknownuniverse,49–50

Vvalues:clarificationof,123–124decisionmakingand,125–126fulfillmentand,121–124honoringof,121,123–124intangiblenatureof,122moralsvs.,121–123typesof,122

vision,25,170visionstatement,126

WWheelofLife,23,124–125whole-personfocus,4–6“why”questions,72–73

Y“yes,”

1Inthisthirdeditionweintentionallyusetheterm“coachee”toindicatethepersonwhoreceivesthecoaching.Theterm“coachee”(inwideuseoutsideNorthAmerica)impliesanypersonwhoreceivescoaching,whereastheterm“client”impliesaprofessionalcoachingrelationship.Themodelappliesevenwhenthecoachingrelationshipismoreinformal,suchasamanageranddirectreport.Usingtheterm“coachee”coversallcoachingrelationships.Inthisthirdeditionwewilluse“coachee”and“client”interchangeably.