Clemson - Issue 2 - 9/4/2014

Top 5 Hidden Perks of First Friday, LadiesEvery time the word “mandatory” exits an exec member’s mouth, a soror-ity girl loses a pair of Norts. Whether it’s a celebratory sisterhood event at the skating rink or a 2-hour lecture-based educational event, throw in the word mandatory and it suddenly becomes the fun equivalent to a night shift at the Super Bi-Lo. But before you sigh and mumble under your breath at the looming mandatory First Friday appointment in your Lilly planner, consider all of the hidden perks it offers.

5.) You can forget the three-day function shirt rule. Nothing is more frustrating than ripping the plastic off your brand new function shirt only to watch it gather dust during the three-day off-limits period. It isn’t your fault the pledges won’t pick up your laundry, leaving you exclusively with ugly t-shirts acquired on Library Bridge. First Friday tanks are the exception to the rule; you get to wear them day-of along with everyone else and it’s 100% socially acceptable.

4.) Soccer players are hot. Sure, you know nothing about soccer, save the few rules you’ve picked up from your boyfriend’s FIFA obsession and that Cosmo article on Cristiano Ronaldo. But you do know a thing or two about hot guys, and the Clemson soccer team is here to teach you even more. You may be forced to sit in the bleachers, but they can’t stop you from chatting up the shaggy blonde on the player’s bench. Just imagine his sweat is a result of your breathtakingly beautiful features; it’s honestly probably halfway true, right? RIGHT?

3.) Chants and cheers are fun again. Flashback to recruitment mere days ago when every little song was accompanied by the recruitment chair’s angry, borderline psychotic whisper screams to be louder and prettier and just all around better. Welcome to First Friday where the words are made up and the result doesn’t matter. Scream your heart out or just gossip with the girl next to you, because it’s no one’s business to care. Sweet, sweet freedom.

2.) Face paint is a go. It’s a scientifically proven fact that sorority girls look better in face paint, and that cuteness increases exponentially with the addition of Converse kicks -– in the color of your choosing -- and a

lettered fanny pack and/or neon hat. And yet, the look has a time and a place. Fortunately for you, First Friday is the perfect time and place. So get ready to snap, filter, and crop, because that perfect Insta is going to receive some much-deserved love.

1.) It’s the biggest pregame you’ll attend all year. We all know First Friday is just one big excuse to start the inevitable rush blowout pregame. You’re with all your sisters, all everyone else’s sisters, and every Clemson fan within a 100-mile radius. If that doesn’t sound like a promising outlet for a few successful drinking games, we don’t know what does. You can

also take advantage of the evening as a practice run for your game day alcohol-smuggling plans. Better to get caught by your standards chair than by one of those pesky SLED agents.

So before you passive aggressively delete your First Friday chair’s 49th email reminding you of the minute-by-minute schedule for the evening, think about these measurable benefits of the event. They’re there for the taking. In other words, smell the roses, or whatever your sorority flower may be.

FOLLOW US @BLACKSHEEP_CLEM THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COMSEPTEMBER 4th, 2014 - SEPTEMBER 17th, 2014

ONE CLEMSON STUDENT TAKES “A-HOLE RA” TO A WHOLE NEW LEVEL.

HERO RA BREAKS CLEMSON RECORD

PAGE 4

MAYBE ONE DAY YOU TOO CAN CROSS “HIDING IN A DRYER” OFF OF YOUR BUCKET LIST.

TOP 10: PLACES TO HIDE FROM COPS

PAGE 6

OUR CHAT WITH THE COMEDIAN AND STAR OF SLEEPWALK WITH ME.

WE INTERVIEW: MIKE BIRBIGLIA

PAGES 10-11

The Black SheepVolume 5 Issue 2The College Newspaper That's Actually About College

FREE! LIKE YOUR ROOMMATE’S

COUSIN’S BUDDY’S NEW ALBUM.

Courtney Paul wrote this

“Welcome to First Friday where the words are made up and the

result doesn’t matter.”

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When Derek Nussbaum first heard of the opportunity to become a Resident Assistant, he was astounded that such a prestigious honor would ever be placed in the hands of essentially anyone who applied. In fact, fearing he was not up to the task, he initially decided not to apply for the position at all. However, after being assured it was “really easy” and that “anyone could do it,” Nussbaum eventually relented and accepted a position in Lever Hall.

“It’s an honor and a privilege to accept this position,” said Nussbaum at an entirely empty press conference where he used an upside down tennis racket for a microphone. “And I vow to never dishonor the coveted tradition of service, or break the sacred code of RAs,” a code which is, of course, fictitious. After a summer of intense training for his upcoming task, Nussbaum was finally ready to undertake life’s most difficult challenge. Despite his vast preparations, Nussbaum was admittedly nervous for his first day on the job.

“I just don’t want to let anybody down,” said Nussbaum. “My father before me was an RA, and his father before him, so if I fail, it will put dishonor on the Nussbaum name.” Nevertheless, Nussbaum took to it like a chimp to throwing feces, attacking residents with the voracity of an angry rhinoceros. On only his first night as RA, Nussbaum wrote up fifteen residents for failing to attend the first hall meeting, which took place at 11p.m. on Saturday night of move-in day. It wasn’t long before the miscreants of the hall struck again. “I was patrolling the halls at 10:01 on Sunday for my first of seven hourly patrols when I heard a faint sound,” said Nussbaum. “After pressing my ear up to the door for five or six minutes, I finally heard the deplorable sound of laughter and had no choice but to act.

I entered the room to find the perpetrator of this heinous atrocity, sitting, watching television alone. He pleaded for me to not write him up, but quiet hours start at 10:00 p.m., and it was 10:06 when I heard him make a sound. It may sound harsh, but it’s the rules. Some people were trying to

study. The start of classes was only three days away.”

However, it wasn’t until the following night that Nussbaum achieved his greatest citing to date. At reportedly around three in the morning, Nussbaum, making one of his endless nightly patrols, heard an unmistakable moan a few doors away.

Instinctively, Nussbaum sprang into action, barging through the door to find two students nude and in bed together. “It’s just reprehensible and disgusting behavior,” said Nussbaum. “To think that two people would be doing that in my building. I mean, visiting hours are over at midnight on weekdays, and it was after 3a.m. Plus, the female non-resident hadn’t even been checked in at the front desk.”

By the end of the week, Nussbaum had compiled a total of 146 citations, shattering the previous record of 5. In fact, Nussbaum even wrote himself two citations over the record setting week. Once for accidentally flipping off his light switch four seconds after the start of quiet

hours, and another for getting a couple drops of urine on the toilet seat of the communal bathrooms.

Of course, they say no good deed goes unpunished. Since his heroic first week on the job, Nussbaum has reportedly been asked by cowardly Resident Director

Shauna Bowers to settle down with the citations. “He’s been writing up over a dozen students a day,” said Bowers. “And I can’t for the life of me figure out why.”

“ Why?” asked Nussbaum when approached with this quote. “Because I’m the gosh darn RA, that’s why.”

Hero RA Breaks Clemson RecordDan Collins wrote this

“Nussbaum even wrote himself two citations over the record setting week.”


The Asian Student Association is furious that not a single Asian student is working at the new Panda Express in the Hendrix Student Center, and they’re calling for blood.

“It’s an absolute outrage,” shouted Brandon Xiao through a megaphone outside Hendrix the morning of Monday, September 1st. Xiao stood, pressing a Jian blade against a student’s neck with the dexterity of a master calligrapher. He repeated “we must be heard!” before throwing down a smoke bomb and disappearing into the morning mist.

The statistics do support Xiao’s claim: every worker at the new Panda Express is either white or black, allegedly representative of the great panda represented in the company’s logo. This fact does not appear to quell the rage of the ASA; the organization is threatening riots if the entire establishment is not filled immediately with teaching assistants working night shifts.

Xiao returned to Hendrix again the following morning, calling the hiring procedures a slap in the face, and upset that he and fellow members of the ASA weren’t already offered jobs at the establishment. “The ASA will tear down their Starbucks and their Einstein Bagels, we will uproot their Wendy’s and destroy their Clubs of Shag and Swing. Across the campus, there will be not a single TA left in the College of Engineering and Science. The flame of our revolution will burn brighter than the body of the Qilin, creature of legend.”

Xiao also commented on the possibility of an assault on the Clemson radio station WSBF, in which the ASA would hijack the airwaves in

order spread their message to the masses and to play the theme song from “Once Upon a Time in China” over and over until their demands were met, demands which remain only one in number: an Asian workforce for an Asian restaurant.

He left as quickly as he had arrived, pursued by Clemson security. The officers were stalled by the caltrops Xiao had left, and he slipped away amongst the fresh dew.

Xiao was last seen fleeing Hendrix last Friday after cleaving the arm off of a guard with his double tiger hook swords and is still at large. Authorities have issued a warrant for his arrest and any information about his whereabouts should be reported immediately. Do not attempt to engage Xiao, as he is very adept at Baguazhang and lethal with his fists.

Since these incidences, the ASA has begun asking that students not judge their entire organization based on one’s self-righteous zealot. The ASA is simply trying to give its members another opportunity to succeed, and earn a little extra cash. Maggie Chen, the ASA President, has stated publicly, “One crazy dude with a set of stereotypical weapons does not mean we’re all like that. Brandon Xiao does not represent our organization’s needs in the least.”

The Black Sheep can confirm reports that Brandon Xiao has been excommunicated from the ASA and has left with a few fellow fanatics to form a new faction, although when he shouted the name of the group as he stepped across the wings of the morning birds to make his escape, it was a little garbled and hard to understand.

Austin Cope wrote this

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by Amahlia Stevens

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ASA OUT FOR BLOOD

06

Every year, our fair campus is transformed from a quiet, rural place into a seething mass of drunken, sweaty, orange-clad football fans. For some, it’s great; but for the introverts of Clemson, this ritual gathering can be nightmare. For all of you introverts out there whose blood runs orange, The Black Sheep has compiled a foolproof guide in order to make your game day experience as awesomely introverted as possible.

First, a great tip for wherever you happen to be: set boundaries. The secret here is to seem so horrible that even that fat, sweaty, middle-aged guy with popcorn falling out of his mouth won’t want to squeeze in next to you.

You have to commit—don’t just wear a Gamecocks t-shirt. Color and spike your hair into a garnet and black mohawk and strap a big, yellow beak to your face. It may help if you don’t shower or use deodorant for a few days leading up to the game, although your strategic stench still might be lost amidst the general odor of Death Valley.

Actual football aside, any true Clemsonite knows that the truly exciting part of game day is tailgating. However, for those unfortunate souls suckered into actually running a tailgate, it can be an uphill struggle.

Honestly, whose idea was it to get up at ass-o-clock in the morning, fight your way through crowds of hung-over students and lost, annoyed parents just to set up a crappy tent and sweat in the sun with warm beer for the next six hours?

Luckily, there is one easy way to make your tailgating experience the best one possible: be

the bartender. After all, it’s a proven fact that if you drink enough, all your troubles will disappear. Honestly, with that many drinks at your disposal, how could anything go wrong?

Lastly, a tip that will help you no matter your situation: keep an escape route in mind. Clemson is rural after all and amidst all those trees, there is always a way to escape back to your introverted hideout. If things get to be too much, hit the trees and head out of there—you’re sure to find a road eventually. You might run into a few confused cooler-bearing stragglers, but that’s okay, because with twigs in your hair and leaves stuck to your shirt you’ll look so batshit that you might score a few free drinks.

After executing the perfect ninja escape, you can go back to your apartment and watch the game as it was meant to be watched: alone, in your underwear. With your roommates away at the game, now is the perfect time to catch up on all the things you long to do during the week. You could break into that stash of Goldfish under their beds—pee with the door open—or even snuggle with the adorable stray cat that’s been hanging out on your doorstep!

If your roommates do happen to be there, don’t worry: we have a backup. Over the summer, the second floor of Cooper Library was graciously remodeled just for the needs of introverts. All those individual chair cubbies are perfect for some quality ESPN Gamecast time. So kick back, relax, and revel in your introversion, because you totally earned it.

Ah, sweet solitude.

An Introvert’s Guide to Clemson Football

Hannah Soblo wrote this

LIFE ADVICE

Underage drinking? Violating parole? Just afraid of people in uniform? Not to worry, we have places that are sure to keep you off of Cops.

10.) The Dryer: Here’s some good advice for the contortionist in your life. No one needs another drink-ing ticket and if the cops show up at your place you’re gonna need to think fast. Who’s gonna think to look in the dryer? Certainly not your mother (especially after that game of hide-and-go-seek went wrong when you were a child) and definitely not the cops. So hop in the dryer, overcome your PTSD, and avoid those fines.

9.) A Bathtub: Let’s be honest, we’ve all had those nights curled up in the tub after a bottle of wine or two. Lock yourself in the bathroom with some vino and get the solo party started with some wine in a Solo. We all know that’s where you were gonna end up anyway.

8.) In a Cop Uniform: This is the only reason breakaway clothes were invented. We’re sure of it. You’ll feel like Clark Kent and look like Officer What’s-His-Nuts which is the perfect confidence-boosting com-bination that’s sure to get you laid. You’ll get to showcase your amazing acting skills and De Niro your way out of a ticket.

7.) In the Keg: Big kegs equal big, refreshing hiding places. Sure, their thick, metal walls seem impos-sible to penetrate but they said the same thing about that Christian cheerleader. Once you’re in, get snuggled up and stay there until the coppers leave. Find your center, become the booze.

6.) Pretend to Be a Statue: Think about it, who’s gonna arrest a statue? They’re heavy, smell like his-tory, and are kind of useless to just have lying around. No one wants a weird statue kid in the back of a cop car anyway, trust us.

5.) Body Pillow: They’re called body pillows for a reason. These things are literally body-sized! Anyone can climb into a body pillow cover and meld themselves into the pillow. Don’t even act like it’s weird, you’ll avoid the cops and thank us later from your newfound pillow nest.

4.) Dirty Laundry Pile: When the fuzz walk in to the bedroom and see a pile of laundry on the floor they might be suspicious at first, but once they catch the scent of dirty gym socks and jizz rags, they won’t want to investigate any further. Sure you’ll be lying under piles of sweat and shame, but hey, it sure beats getting busted.

3.) In a Tree: Climbing trees while drunk and running away from the Po-Po is not only extremely dan-gerous and fun, but also incredibly cool. Wanna be a legend? Embrace your inner monkey.

2.) Under the Bed: Just hold your breath and be incredibly quiet. Right up until the officers get close to finding you, then just make scary noises and hope to God they’re afraid of the Boogeyman.

1.) Back of a Cop Car: It’s where they’ll least expect you to hide.

Places to Hide from CopsTHE TOP TEN

Black Sheep Staff wrote this

07

Tweet us your #partypics, or send them to [email protected] PICS

What’s the most regrettable thing you’ve done since you’ve

been back at school?

ON THE STREETS

“I bought a pair of really tight, really short purple sweatpants for $60 and I’m not sure if I’ll ever have the

confidence to wear them in public.”

Manus

“The only thing I ate last weekend was Cheez-Its and Pop-Tarts.”

Matt

“I trusted my roommate’s cat enough to leave my door open, let him roam around a bit during the day, and he took a huge dump in the middle of my floor.”

Lindsay

The Grid

Friends Cafe

SPECIALNIGHT

FRIDAY! $6 Liquor Pitchers (During Happy Hour Only)

$1.50 Mystery Beers, DJ Sha!

$9.50 Liquor Pitchers Monday - Saturday! $3 Well Drinks Every Day!

Every Night! $0.50 Wings$2 12oz Bud Light and Bud,

$2 16oz Busch Light and PBR, $7.50 Liquor Pitchers

Happy Hour 4pm-7pm Mon - Fri

$4 Jager, $3 Fireball $5 Jack Daniels, 1/2 Price Apps

THURS.$3.56 Sushi Rolls,

Wine Tasting at 9pm, $6 Bottles of Champagne

Burger and a Beer Night! $7.75 Backstreets Burgers or $7.85

Specialty Burgers and Your Choice of Selected Beers, Happy Hour Mon-Fri:

$9.50 Liquor Pitchers

Trivia at 8pm!1st place gets $25 cash

and $25 gift card

Trivia Starting at 8:30pm$2 Well Drinks, $0.50 Wings, $2 12oz Bud Light and Bud,

$2 16oz Busch Light and PBR, $7.50 Liquor Pitchers

$1.50 12oz Budlight Draft $4 Long Islands and Blue

MotorcyclesHappy Hour 4-7pm

FRIDAY$6 Liquor Pitchers

(During Happy Hour Only) $1.50 Mystery Beers, DJ Sha!

$2.50 Fireball ShotsHappy Hour Monday - Friday:

$4.75 PBR Pitchers, $9.50 Liquor Pitchers

$3 Well Drinks Every Day!Live Bands and DJs!

$0.50 Wings, $2 12oz Bud Light and Bud, $2 16oz Busch Light

and PBR, $7.50 Liquor Pitchers



SATURDAY Join us for flatbread specials and college football!

$2.50 Fireball Shots$9.50 Liquor Pitchers

College Football on 20 HD TVs

Boozey Brunch at 12pm, $2.50 Mimosas and Bloody Mary’s

Disco Night!

$1.50 12oz Budlight Draft, $4 Long Islands and Blue Motorcycles$13.99 All You Can Eat Wings

(excl. home games)

SUNDAY Closed

Kitchen Open from 11:30am - 11pm Monday - Friday,

4pm - 11pm on Saturdays Come check out our daily lunch specials!

NFL Sunday Ticketon 20 HD TVs

Follow Us on Twitter!@The_Royal_Tiger

$0.50 Wings, $2 12oz Bud Light and Bud, $2 16oz Busch Light


Book your next party at Larry’s!

MONDAY All You Can Eat Sushi

Half price appetizers$8 for a Dozen Wings,

$1 PBR$9.50 Liquor Pitchers

Burger Mondays! $4.99 Burger & Fries

$1.50 PBR$0.50 Wings, $2 12oz Bud Light

and Bud ,$2 16oz Busch Light and PBR, $7.50 Liquor Pitchers

$1.50 12oz Budlight Draft, $4 Long Islands and Blue Motorcycles$13.99 All You Can Eat Wings

During MNF

TUESDAY Follow us on Twitter!@CUHangover

$5.75 Large Pizza, $1 PBR$5 Bud Light Pitchers

Happy Hour Monday - Friday: $8.75 Liquor Pitchers

Taco Tuesday! $4.99 Taco Backets, $1 12oz Blue Moons

Players Night$0.50 Wings, $2 12oz Bud Light and Bud, $2 16oz Busch Light




WED. Check us out on Instagram!@356Sushi

Yeungs and Wings! $5 Yeungling Pitchers, $1 PBR

$6.75 for a Dozen WingsHappy Hour Mon-Fri: $9.50 Liquor Pitchers

$9.99 Pizza, $0.60 wings, $0.50 12oz PBR

Karaoke Starting at 9pm1/2 Price Bottles of Wine

$0.50 Wings, $2 12oz Bud Light and Bud, $2 16oz Busch Light and

PBR, $7.50 Liquor Pitchers



THURS.$3.56 Sushi Rolls,

Wine Tasting at 9pm, $6 Bottles of Champagne

Burger and a Beer Night! $7.75 Backstreets Burgers or $7.85

Specialty Burgers and Your Choice of Selected Beers, Happy Hour Mon-Fri:

$9.50 Liquor Pitchers

Trivia at 8pm!1st place gets $25 cash

and $25 gift card

Trivia Starting at 8:30pm$2 Well Drinks, $0.50 Wings,

$2 12oz Bud Light and Bud, $2 16oz Busch Light and PBR, $7.50

Liquor Pitchers



112 Station DriveAnderson, SC 29621

PlatosClosetAnderson.comGET 20% OFF ON MONDAYS WHEN

YOU SHOW YOUR STUDENT ID

OVERTIME PALMETTO’SSmokehouse & Oyster Bar

The Grid

MONDAY - FRIDAY$5.50 Mini Liquor Pitchers

That equals 3 drinks for only $5.50!

Tuesday & Saturday:LOW COUNTRY BOIL NIGHT! Get low with PSHOB’s famous

low country boil recipe.

FRIDAY!24 Wings and Pitcher of Beer

for $14.99

Wednesdays: Trivia @ 10pm!

TUESDAY$4 Burgers!

SPECIALNIGHT

Burger and a Beer Night! $7.50 Backstreets Burgers or $8.50 specialty burgers and

your choice of selected beers

Need a PARTY SPOT? Rent Palmetto’s EVENT Center Call 864-810-7339 ext 3 and get $50 off your next rental with the

keyword “Black Sheep”

Buy 6, Get 6 Wings After 4pm Go Tigers!

$6 House Liquor and Draft Beer Pitchers (4-8pm)

DJ Sha! THURS.

$5.50 Mini Liquor Pitchers Monday - Friday


NEW! 6 under $6 lunch menu served 11:30am-2pm M-F.

24 Wings and Pitcher of Beer for $14.99 Service, Service, Service $6 Chef’s Special FRIDAY

DJ All Night!Open 6:00 pm - 2:00 am

Show up early to miss the line at midnight!

Open 8am for our NEW BIG EASY BRUNCH! From 8am - 2pm

$10 Bottomless Mimosas Low Country Boil 5PM Follow us on Twitter!

$0.50 Wings All Day! Your Tigers Headquarters! College football on our 101 inch projector! SATURDAY

Open 6:00 pm - 2:00 am Members can buy

beer and wine to go.

Open 8am for our NEW BIG EASY BRUNCH! Try the best hangover cure:

Big-n-nasty biscuit, frittatas, wraps, omelettes, creamy grits, beignets, and waffles! Catch Bill’s NFL Action Here -

Go Sammy & CJ!

Follow us on Twitter! @TDsFoodAndDrink

Visit the Top of Tiger Town Tavern’s Private Club!

Follow us on Twitter to hear about daily specials!

@CUWingsSUNDAY

$8 for a dozen wings, 1/2 off appetizers

$5.50 Mini Liquor Pitchers Monday - Friday


Clemson’s best place to take a date! Try the “Haystack”, a totally sharable

mound of fries or fritos covered in deliciousness!

Oyster Fest & Shrimp Jam Every Monday Starting at 5!

All You Can Eat Wings! Stiffest drinks in town!Where the Big Tigers Play...

Check out our Instagram!@CUWinginIt MONDAY

$5.75 Large Pizzas, $5 Bud Light Pitchers and $5.50 Mini Liquor

Pitchers all night

LOW COUNTRY BOIL NIGHT! Get low with PSHOB’s famous low country boil recipe. Like us

on Facebook for weekly specials and competitions.

Karaoke With Fred Rock Bingo at 10pm! $4 Burgers TUESDAY

DJ Dance Night!Yeungs and Wings!

$5 Yeungling Pitchers, $6.75 for a Dozen Wings and $5.50 Mini

Liquor Pitchers

NEW! 6 under $6 lunch menu served 11:30am-2pm M-F.

Say “You saw it in The Black Sheep” and get a

FREE PSHOB Bumper sticker.

$1 Burger Night Trivia at 10pm! Buy 1/2 pounds of wings, get a 1/2 pound FREE! WED.

College Dance Night!Burger and a Beer Night!

$7.50 Backstreets Burgers or $8.50 specialty burgers and your

choice of selected beers

Need a PARTY SPOT? Rent Palmetto’s EVENT Center Call 864-810-7339 ext 3 and get $50 off your next rental with the

keyword “Black Sheep”

Buy 6, Get 6 Wings After 4pm

Stiffest drinks in town!Where the Big Tigers Play...

$6 House Liquor and Draft Beer Pitchers (4-8pm)

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If you don’t start following us...YOU WON’T KNOW WHAT’S SO DAMN FUNNY.

@BLACKSHEEP_CLEMScan to go right to the page!

the black sheepinterviews:mike Birbiglia

Logan wrote this

Mike Birbiglia needs no introduction. The stand-up comedian and writer-director-star-of Sleepwalk With Me, is currently touring nationally.

The Black Sheep: So, what is up? Where are you right now?Mike: I am in Brooklyn, where I live, and am just about to tweet the official Brook-lyn tour poster. Don’t know if you’re on Twitter, but it’s pretty cool. It is one of my favorites of the tour posters.

TBS: Is it as good as the stained glass one?Mike: Haha! I think it’s on the same level as the stained glass one; it’s in the ball-park for sure. Are you on Twitter right now?

TBS: Logging in as we speak.Mike: Hahaha! If you’ve heard the story I did on “This American Life” about the creepy guy on the bus, it’s a little bit of an homage to that.

TBS: Oh the glory!Mike: Isn’t that great?

TBS: Do you make these? Do you have your hand in it?Mike: Well my brother Joe hires a bunch of designers; he is always on the lookout for like Rock ‘n’ roll poster designers, and specifically, ones that are local to where we are doing each show. This one is done by a guy named Barry Blankenship. But we have all sorts of different designers.

TBS: Oh, damn, I think the bus one may take the cake over the stained glass.Mike: I know! It’s up there, for sure. The stained glass is certainly weird, and actu-ally one of my friends pointed out on the stained glass poster that it’s arguable that I am pooping. I think that is a little liberal of an interpretation but…

TBS: Hahaha! Well I wasn’t going to say anything, but people do talk…Mike: Haha, people ARE talking yeah…

TBS: So you are going on tour starting pretty early in September, right?Mike: Yes, I am going on tour, God, su-per soon. I’m playing Brooklyn next Friday night...man it’s that soon? Then I’m going to ten more cities: York, Day-ton, Cleveland, Ann Arbor, Kalamazoo, Champaign, Indianapolis, St. Louis, Chi-cago, and Toronto. And in the middle of all that I’m shooting a role on Orange is the New Black. So I am just busy as hell right now.

TBS: When was the last time you were on tour?Mike: The last tour was “My Girlfriend’s Boyfriend,” and that was like a 70-city tour over four countries, and this one is going to be a 100-city tour, so this is the biggest tour I’ve ever done.

TBS: DAMN.Mike: Yeah, I know! The crazy thing is I talked to my agent the other day and when all is said and done, we’re gonna have ended up playing 120 cities. So I am becoming the Katy Perry of comedy,

which is an unexpected turn in my ca-reer.

TBS: What can you tell us about Or-ange is the New Black? Anything at all?Mike: I can’t! I’m not allowed to say any-thing. All I can tell you is that I’m in it, but only because they’ve said that. Up until the other day I couldn’t even say that I was in it. Basically, I was living a lie –I would go to work and people would be like, “Where you going?” and I’d be like “Well, I can’t talk about it,” which made me feel like a criminal. So I can’t really say what it is but it has been super fun. Obviously it’s one of the best shows out there, and one of my favorite shows, so this is kind of a dream-come-true for me.

TBS: You have your self-produced Sleepwalk With Me, by which I mean it’s your brainchild.Mike: I created it, yes: I willed it into be-ing.

TBS: I bring this up because I’m won-dering if Orange is kind of you shift-

ing gears into the more blockbuster roles that we all know you would kick ass at.Mike: Hahaha! That is the most I’ve laughed at a question in an interview in a long time. I think it was that “we all” part of it because I’m not sure that even exists, haha! I think I’m still in that indie-niche zone where not everyone knows who I am, which I am totally fine with. I like sort of being in that niche, but I don’t know. Maybe? I’m in Judd Apatow’s new movie that we filmed this summer. Judd Apatow and Amy Schumer made a mov-ie together and I play Amy’s brother-in-law, which is a super funny thing. It was just a blast to make. There’s Bill Hader, Amy Schumer, and actually John Cena is in it.

TBS: Is that the wrestler dude?Mike: Exactly! Vanessa Bayer from SNL is in it too, who is super funny. LeBron James in it, which is just INSANE. Obvi-ously this is very timely. I know that they actually booked him to be in it before all of the insanity went down when he be-

came sort of the hero of America.

TBS: Aside from this big-ass tour, do you have anything in line for direct-ing again?Mike: I am writing with plans to direct two feature films right now.

TBS: HALLELUJAH! Mike: Haha, this is the most exuberant interview that I’ve had where someone is as excited as I am for what I’m creating, so thank you for that.

TBS: Now are we looking at these com-ing out in the next year…or ten years?Mike: I would say a year, but don’t quote me on that.

TBS: Oh, I’m going to quote you.Mike: Haha, well don’t quote me while quoting me is what I should have said. I am hoping to have a movie out next fall.

TBS: Right on.Mike: Also, If you here any background noise I am multitasking right now and doing my dishes. I’ve reached a point where there are so many dishes piled up above the non-existent line that is the top of the sink, if that makes any sense.

TBS: You realize I’m in college right? That makes perfect sense.Mike: Yes, you’re not at that age, but at a certain point you have to have a little pride in your life and just lower the dish-mountain below the line.

TBS: Where did you go to college?Mike: Yeah, I went to Georgetown.

TBS: Do you have any unknown hor-ror or glory stories you’re willing to share?Mike: Well, I was thinking the other day actually about a photo that someone took of me being drunk at night, being pushed in a shopping-cart down a street in Washington DC. What troubled me most about it is that I don’t know who took the photo, I don’t know whose pushing the shopping cart, I don’t know where I am or what I’m doing, and all I can help thinking is what else happened that night?!

TBS: Some thing’s are just better left unknown.Mike: Yes, sadly so.

TBS: Since you’ve had your hand in writing, comedy, directing, produc-ing, acting; or basically just every aspect of life…what would you say is harder: directing or comedy?Mike: Directing, and even more so direct-ing comedy. It’s so hard because it has so much to do with timing. You could get away with doing certain things in drama where the timing isn’t quite right, where people may say it was an artistic choice or something. But in comedy, if it isn’t working then you just won’t get a laugh. Then the people will say that it’s just not

funny. There’s just not a lot of leeway in film comedy, so I think that directing film comedy is the hardest thing you can do. That’s part of the reason people revere Judd Apatow for that.

TBS: When does the “Thank God for Jokes” tour end?Mike: I’m not sure. I’m doing 100 cities this year, then I’m gonna shoot a film that hopefully will come out in the fall, then I’ll probably do a few more cities with this show, and then film that as a special which will probably come out in 2015 or 2016. It’s so weird these num-bers we’re talking about as far as years. What year were you born in?

TBS: ‘92Mike: See that’s reasonable. I was born in ’78 so when we start talking about 2014, 2015, 2016; it’s just crazy. When I was a kid we were talking about what was go-ing to happen in the year 2000 and how different the world is going to be. Now we’re living in ’14, and it’s unthinkable.

TBS: When you were…Mike: On a side-note to keep you updat-ed on the dishes thing –I’ve gotten the mountain down, and now it’s got that crazy sludge water effect and now I’m trying to get the sludge-pond, if you will, so that the sludge gets down into the re-ceptor so I can actually pull the sludge out and throw it into the garbage.

TBS: Godspeed man.Mike: Yes; that is the status-report on my kitchen. Please go on with the question.

TBS: When you made Sleepwalk With Me, did you always know it would be you starring in it? Or were you think-ing of casting like, Zach Braff or some-thing?Mike: Wow, well not him specifically, but it did crossed my mind, like, “Oh, I guess it will be Jimmy Fallon being me.” You know, someone who is better looking and more talented, but it was a little bit like a Sylvester Stallone and Rocky situ-ation where I wrote this script, I’m pro-ducing the movie, I think I’ll just play this part, because no one would ever cast me in this part so I will hold out. By the way, that’s probably where the Sylvester Stal-lone comparison probably ends.

TBS: If you couldn’t be an entertainer of some kind, what would you be?Mike: I think I always wanted to be a co-median, a rapper, or the owner of a pizza restaurant where third graders could hangout –those were my goals –or may-be a poet or teacher. Yeah, probably an English teacher is where I would have landed.

TBS: Well we here can’t imagine you doing anything else, that’s for damn sure.Mike: Well good, haha, thank you. Well, I have to run and finish writing these movies.

the interview: mike birbigliathe interview: mike birbiglia

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5) State Mottos: What state’s motto is “Mountaineers are always free”?

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8) Airlines: What Dallas-based airline is the world’s largest low-cost carrier?

9) Computers: A gigabyte is approximately how many megabytes?

10) Geography: Death Valley is located in what US state?

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