Carolyn L. Jones, LCSW Behavioral Consultant for Schools and Parents 503-910-8832 Choice Words: Igniting Greatness with the Spoken Word.

Carolyn L. Jones, LCSWBehavioral Consultant for Schools and Parents

503-910-8832

Choice Words:Igniting Greatness with the Spoken Word

What ALL kids need…

Warm, inviting atmosphere Belonging Experience success Explicit teaching of behavioral expectations Effective supervision Reinforcement for appropriate behavior 4:1 positive interactions Positive relationship with at least one

significant adult Kathy Helgeson/Southern Oregon ESD

The Nurtured Heart Approach

This is an approach that evolved out of the challenges faced working with families and teachers of intense and difficult children.

Does an approach really make a difference?

The Nurtured Heart Approach

All ages All levels of severity…ADHD, ODD, PTSD, etc. This is all about how to therapeutically create

a profound level of “inner wealth” and to promote transformation, not just improvement.

Beliefs Intensity is a good thing. Medications moderate intensity... The message to the child is: “You can’t

handle your intensity…nor can anyone else.”

Everyone needs to be “seen” and to feel that they have worth.

Behaviors are means of “connection” to others.

Inner Wealth What is Inner Wealth?

Why does a child need it?

How do we help children build their Inner Wealth?

Beliefs Normal parenting and teaching methods

are designed for the average child and often make the situation worse.

The harder normal methods are applied the worse the situation can get despite the best of intentions.

Behaviors that are “rewarded” will be repeated.

Helping Every Child to Flourish And it’s about having powerful ways of

making any moment an opportunity to create success.

It is about helping children develop “inner wealth.”

The Nurtured Heart Approachis about…

Creating a world of first hand experiences: “Here you are being successful…”

Relentlessly reflecting: “This is who you really are… It’s not a question of whether you can or can’t, you are…”

Helping each child build a new “portfolio”—a new way of becoming…

Helping Every Child to Flourish

More than “catching kids being good”...

Cast a bigger net

It’s also about how to add new dimension

to the opportunity. Finding the success in

what IS happening AND in what ISN’T

happening.

The Nurtured Heart Approach The approach has three basic aspects:

1. Super-energizing experiences of success. 2. Refusing to energize or accidentally

reward negativity. 3. Providing a perfect level of limit-setting

and consequences.

Toys R’ Us We are by far our children’s most interesting

“toy”. We have, by far, more features. We are the ultimate entertainment centers.

Children are in the process of forming impressions of the world and their effect upon the world. They do this by getting feedback from every interaction.

Toys R’ Us Given traditional ways of disciplining, it is

remarkably easy for a child, especially an

intense child, to form an impression that

this “Toy” is much more animated,

interesting, and alive in relation to their

unacceptable behaviors.

Toys R’ Us These same “Toys” are relatively boring

in relation to positive behaviors.

Toys R’ Us Children experience the truth of what really

gets us going

We operate as if we’re interpreted literally but there’s a current underneath the rational

How much are we radiating?

“Thank you” & “Good Job” pale in comparison to the energy radiated in relation to adversity.

Be the Prize! Our emotions, our reactions, our level of our

involvement…our energies are the prize.

Children have an uncanny way of knowing

where “more” is.

Fortunately we get to choose what we

radiate and how we radiate.

Nintendo Therapy It is not an accident that so many children

are attracted to games like Nintendo.

Lessons from Nintendo While the child is playing the game, life truly makes sense.

Nintendo Principles The rules are totally clear and predictable

and so are the incentives.

Nintendo Structures Nintendo has a near perfect blend of

structure: the positives and the limits are in

just the right balance…

The timing is right…always in the moment.

The payoffs are not upside down.

Nintendo Wisdom Traditional models of teaching and parenting

aren’t anywhere near as clear or as powerful

as Nintendo.

Kids are confused about what’s an incentive

and what’s a consequence.

Nintendo Therapy Given the right level of structure, children

can really play life to win. The structure

helps them to use their intensity and

energies successfully.

Nintendo Wisdom Wouldn’t it be nice if children applied

themselves to the game of life with the same

zeal? It can be done.

Life is a Nintendo game. We can transpose

the same near perfect blend of structure to

any other environment.

Who is at fault? No Blame: The existing models, methods

and beliefs are the problem….not the

parents, teachers or child.

It’s rarely pathology…and the child’s really

not out to get you…

The Quest

As a behavior specialist, I simply want to

teach an approach that works.

I am on a “Quest” for transformation, and

believe that teachers can be agents of

transformation.

So what do we do from here?

Taking a Stand #1: “I refuse to be drawn into accidentally energizing and rewarding negativity.”

What is our intention? Toll booth worker

Taking a Stand Negative attention is like junk food: No

nutritional value. Although not intended that

way, it makes children weaker on the inside

and downloads as failures.

Taking a Stand #2: “I will purposefully energize and nurture successes.”

Taking a Stand Normal attempts to be positive get defended

against. The child inwardly braces with words

or thoughts along the lines of “I can’t hear

that compliment...It’s not the truth…I’m not a

good kid...” They are basing this on the

evidence of what has been energized.

Shamu

Shamu

Lowering the Rope.

Creating successes that would not otherwise exist.

Energizing Success The following techniques will help create a

deeply compelling “time in.”

Video MomentsActive Recognition

Ordinary moments are windows of opportunity

to give children a “verbal snapshot” of what

we observe them doing.

Notice both actions and emotions.

Use encouragement rather than praise.

Encouragement vs Praise What does the research say about the value of Praise? Does the wording really make a difference? What are the long-term outcomes of feedback?

Video Moments *Describe back to the child what the child is

doing, saying, presenting, without any kind of

evaluation—be neutral.

Ex: I notice that you are working hard on your

drawing. You have chosen 3 colors, red, blue,

green.

Some examples Students have come in from recess. What behaviors do

you see? What do you want to see? What behaviors can you “energize” with your feedback? Create another example.

More on Video Moments…*These are “neutral” moments.*Try to give 10-20 a day (or every 10-15

minutes you are together.*Do not use during delivery of consequences.*Persist even if child reacts negatively.

PolaroidsExperiential Recognition

When do we typically choose to teach the

qualities and life skills that we value?

How receptive are children to this type of

learning?

Polaroids

Highlight the healthy aspects of the qualities

that you wish to enhance.

Teaching values is like polishing a gem…find

the facet and nurture it.

Polaroids

Children often do not know how to evaluate

their experiences. They need our help.

Ex: I see that you are putting a lot of effort

into playing together. You are being so

cooperative and that helps our class to be a

great place.

Taking a Stand #3: “There are still rules, and this is what happens when you choose to break a rule. I refuse to not provide a true consequence when a rule is broken.”

CanonsProactive Recognition

This builds on the first two techniques to highlight

when the student is not breaking rules. This is a

way to introduce rules to student when they are

being successful.

Ex: Jane, thank you for staying in your seat while

everyone else is working. You are showing

respect for your classmates. I appreciate that

you are following that rule.

Canons When do we normally choose to teach

rules?

How receptive are children to hearing our

words of wisdom under those

circumstances?

Canons We often give out energy to the rules at the

worst possible time…we can easily

accidentally reward the child for breaking the

rule.

Canons A fresh look at rules: Old rules and new

rules.

What kind of rules best helps intense and

challenging children.

Clarity…and more success opportunities.

Canons Creating more experiences of success.

Recognition and appreciation when rules

are not being broken.

Canons Recognition to self-control and healthy power.

There’s always an underlying effort when

rules are not being broken.

Canons These begin to clarify the limits and set the

stage for rules and consequences to really

have an effect.

Creative Recognition How do we normally make requests of our

children?

Advertising options: traditional requests

imply a choice.

Eliminate the options and confusion by

making clear requests: “I need you to….”

Creative RecognitionAlways remember to reinforce with recognition and

appreciation that is a bigger-than-ordinary reaction.

Use simple, clear commands.

Ex. Jim is in the process of sitting in his seat, past

the point of reversing his action. “Jim, I need you to

sit down.) Once he is down say, “Jim, thank you for

sitting in your seat when I told you to. You are

helping me to get the class going on time. You are

so cooperative.”

More on commands Use simple requests that are do-able.

Be sure the content is clear.

Invite compliance.

Use command language and not a

question.

Don’t end your command with “okay?”

Making a Fuss Instead of making a big deal over negativity,

make a fuss over the good stuff.

Don’t get drawn into the usual traps: When a

child does not comply, we often increase our

voice tone , pitch, and volume, displaying

frustration and anger. These are “payoffs” in

terms of energy. We focus on the negative and

show no appreciation.

Ex: “I noticed that you picked up almost all of the

toys. I appreciate that you listened and gave a

good effort. Now I need you to get the last few

toys.”

Multiplying Successes Comments that play both ends of the

opportunity:

What IS happening that can be held up as a

success, AND.

What ISN’T happening that can be held up

as a success.

Setting Limits

We can’t ignore problem behaviors—that would be a disaster!We need reliable and consistent consequences that require little of the teacher’s energy.

Setting Limits Most every consequence is really a form of

time-out.

Most attempts to implement a time-out are

done under less than optimal conditions.

They are contaminated with “rewards.”

And the level of energy for successes isn’t

nearly high enough.

Setting Limits Time-Ins: The payoff of excitement, success,

and emotional-psychological nutrition when

things are going right

Time-Outs: Missing out on life’s payoffs and

options.

Setting Limits The Speed Limit Story: How to get out of

the way and let your child discover the

solution of how to be more aware, use more

self-control, and stay clear of the limits.

Effective Corrections Students have just begun circle time. One student is

twirling around bumping into other students. How do you make a “correction” without energizing it with the reward of your relationship?

Setting Limits You can’t really stop someone from breaking a

rule, but you can give a consequence.

Children already know the truth.

It gets old trying to stop them and it

communicates fear and inability while further

rewarding poor choices.

Setting Limits Children need to see what will happen

when they break a rule. If you put a new

roof on a house, you want it to rain to test

its reliability,.

Children are relieved to realize that they

don’t have to be perfect and if they break a

rule it’s not a big deal.

Setting Limits There’s no longer anything to be gained by

breaking rules. The big reactions are for the

positives. Breaking a rule only gets a true

consequence, not a payoff.

Use very short time outs for a “reset.”

Setting Limits Like in Nintendo, the child becomes much

more interested in not breaking rules.

Like in Nintendo, the attraction to positive

forms of success becomes an overriding force.

A specific child…. Share with a partner about one specific child that is

having some challenges in your classroom. Think of ways that you can transform your thoughts about this child and the way that you notice and interact with her/him.

Remember!

Shamu: The art of creating successes that wouldn’t otherwise exist…

The Toll Booth Attendant: The art of the way we choose to see things.

Remember!We want to develop the inner

wealth and nurture the heart

of each child.

“Treat people as if they were

where they ought to be, and

you help them become who

they are capable of being.” Goethe

Resources for further study: Books by Howard Glasser:

Transforming the Difficult Child All Children Flourishing The Inner Wealth Initiative

Website: www.difficultchild.com

Consultation/Coaching:[email protected] 503-910-8832