Calvert's Guide to the British

Calvert’s Guideto

THE BRITISHBritish stereotypes in order of social rank

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64 This bling and junk-food obsessed bottom feeder walks with a swagger and knows he’s a lowlife gimp so he blows any dole money not tied up in Big Macs on ludicrous markers of wealth. He wears a Burberry baseball cap and Reebok Classics, shoplifted designer labels, and fakes from the local market. Popular labels used to be Nike, Adidas, Juicy Couture, McKenzie and Lacoste but more recently Abercrombie and Fitch and Holister have also become infested. Sovereign rings and dookie ropes are sourced from Argos or H Samuel and his hair is gelled forward into a straggly fringe. For monthly court appearances he wears a machine washable suit from Ciro Citterio.

He can’t land a punch, but likes spitting and kicking and would get the crap kicked out of him if he wasn’t backed up by six of his scrawny mates. He drinks between 20 and 40 units of alcohol a day, usually discount cider and lager (mixed).

He pimps his small hatchback with body kits, blue lights, bucket seats, decals and double exhausts from Halfords. He is also attracted to shiny plastic rims and car mats with pieces of electric blue brushed steel glued on. At dusk he drives to McDonalds car park (the chav equivalent of the Royal Society) and plays drum ‘n’ bass through a 1000W sub woofer to announce his availability to any chavettes in the area who aren’t currently shagging behind the roll top wheelie bins. Prior to acquiring his “ride” he rode everywhere on a BMX bike which was blatantly stolen from a small child.

Characteristics

Reading Material: Autotrader (Cars Under £1000), (still asks for News of the World), whatever’s tatooed across his girlfriend’s bum

Favourite TV Programmes and Films: Shameless, The National Lottery Live and anything with an 18 certificate

Heroes and Role Models: Michael Carroll, Jason Statham

Most likely cause of death: Argument over a Big Mac, rickets

Favourite Music: Trans/Techno, hard core dance

Political Views: Believes the government should bail out JD Sports

Ego Issues: No one yet has managed to take a photo of a chav with mouth closed, because whenever someone points a camera at them they pull a face and make a defiant ghetto gesture with splayed hands and arms spread wide

Fears: Being sober or being made to work

Likes: Fake designer labels, pimping his car, spitting, benefits, shopping at Iceland, hanging pine fresh tree-shaped air freshener from rear view mirror, ASBOs, thick gold chains that turn green in the rain, Lambert & Butler

Dislikes: Goths, speed bumps and coppers

Earnings: Benefits, whatever he can make from selling stolen goods

Offspring: Two or three, he is not sure

Drives: Vauxhall Nova/Citroen Saxo

Most likely to say: “Mint” ,“well smart” ,“bruv”, “but seriously though”

Chav

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Ticket Collector

As a child, this was the kid who would never lend you his rubber, always kept his colouring pencils in their original packet and cried if he got his knees dirty. He showed neither aptitude nor enthusiasm for team sports, hated class trips and wore his uniform fully buttoned up and tucked in at all times. He would be the first to tell on any miscreant and consequently was always appointed ‘Pupil In Charge’ during any temporary teacher absence.

Fifteen years later, and he’s still no more of a team player. His aptitude for rule books, timetables and keeping sundry pieces of equipment spic and span made him the ideal candidate for a railway ticket inspector, and he approaches his work with the same gusto with which he grassed his classmates up for every minor misdemeanour throughout his school days.

A rule is a rule, and he has no intention of ever making an exception. He likes his passengers in their correctly allotted seats and his boots nicely polished. He’s such a pain in the arse that even his Mother’s glad to see the back of him every morning.

Characteristics

Reading Material: The rail network’s regulations, rules and bylaws manuals; a sudoku puzzle book, full UK rail timetable

Favourite TV Programmes and Films: Columbo, Inspector Morse, CSI Miami, Great Train Journeys

Heroes and Role Models: Isambard Kingdom Brunel, Sir Clive Sinclair

Most likely cause of death: Poorly maintained rail infrastructure

Favourite Music: Mike Oldfield

Political Views: Wants heftier fines for fare-dodgers; thinks ticket inspectors should have same authority as the transport police

Ego Issues: Wants to be a Transport Police officer

Fears: Unruliness, disorder, women, that his mother didn’t screw the lid on his thermos tightly again.

Likes: Rules, trains, uniforms, Hornby

Dislikes: Questions, conversations

Earnings: £17,450

Offspring: As yet undecided and is currently weighing up the pros and cons

Drives: Makes full use of his staff rail pass

Most likely to say: “I’m sorry, Madam but you and your infant are going to have to alight at the next station”

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Nurse (Lovely Female)

A patient, empathetic angel, who’s easy on the eye and reaffirms your faith in humanity. She quietly manages any number of incompetent and sleep-deprived medical personnel and at the end of every shift goes home to a clutch of well-fed, well-mannered children and an adoring husband.

Years spent in inner city A&Es have left her deceptively tough. She’s dealt with every kind of drunk, can have you in an armlock in seconds and operates within a top-secret encoded system with which she ruthlessly categorises and condemns every other patient.

At the weekends, she unwinds with tequila and regales her non-medical mates with horror stories of what caustic soda can do to your foreskin or what a dachshund can do to an unconscious 83 year old if left alone long enough.

During her single years she would frequently get off shift, head to Amsterdam and party for 24 hours straight before flying home and turning up for another shift without a wink’s sleep. After a quick purge in the staff loos and a thick cup of machine coffee she would be back suturing a ripped testicle with a rock steady hand, a reassuring smile and no one any the wiser.

Characteristics

Reading Material: Biographies of South American dictators, The Rough Guide to just about anywhere, foreign-exchange nursing programme manuals

Favourite TV Programmes and Films: Medicine Man, Evita, The Mission, any reality TV shows about emigrating, Motorcycle Diaries

Heroes and Role Models: Shirley Valentine, Mother Teresa

Most likely cause of death: MRSA

Favourite Music: Anything new from the world music section of HMV

Political Views: Prone to angry rants about the under-funding of the NHS and about western betrayal of the developing world. Fond of late-night tequila-induced debates about the Cuban Revolution

Ego Issues: Generally ego-free with the exception of inferiority compex around female GPs

Fears: Living out her old age in rural England doing Sudoku, working on the garden and ticking off the days until the next visit from the grandchildren

Likes: Glastonbury Festival, working weekends, the knowledge that she has the ability to be financially self-sufficient should the need arise

Dislikes: Women who don’t work, waiting in line, time-keeping, rural England

Earnings: £26K

Offspring: Three well-adjusted teenagers

Would like to drive but actually drives: Renault Scenic/Beetle convertible

Most likely to say: “I am sorry to keep you waiting”

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78 Ever since he watched a docu-drama on the childhood of the Williams sisters, this deadbeat nobody dreamed of raising a sporting prodigy. He can’t play tennis so he drags his uncoordinated six-year-old son onto the golf course three times a week and tries to impart to him the benefit of his 24 handicap. Sadly, for every Tiger, Venus and Serena, there must be a thousand of these flunkee dads with their cheerless offspring.

He’s spent their savings on individual lessons from the club pro, a bespoke set of clubs and a pair of state-of-the-art-golf shoes which he’s already had to replace twice because Junior had a growth spurt. He records every professional tournament and makes his son sit and analyse each shot, pausing the footage to draw diagrams and illustrate what made it work with an animated power point presentation.

His son has inherited all his father’s skill so he’s rubbish. Adding to the problem is that the boy also hates the game and envies his friends’ ability to collect football stickers and watch Tracy Beaker. Frustrated by the unsatisfactory progress of his master plan, his single-minded father attempts to push his son on further and faster by bellowing at him on the eighth hole. And the ninth. And the tenth.

Characteristics

Reading Material: A Father’s Story: Cristie Kerr, A Great American Golfer, Tiger: The Real Story, Golf Today Magazine, Raising Tennis Aces

Favourite TV Programmes and Films: Golf, Golf!

Heroes and Role Models: Earl Woods, Richard Williams, Anthony Hamilton

Most likely cause of death: Embolism

Favourite Music: Music has no part to play in his life

Political Views: Tory

Ego Issues: Believes his parenting will result in a new British sporting legend, therefore by definition, all other forms of parenting are inferior to his

Fears: Mediocrity

Likes: Being right

Dislikes: Slackers, rain, the disapproving glances of the club pro

Earnings: £28 – £32k

Offspring: One six-year-old who is already showing signs of significant self-esteem issues

Drives: Peugot

Most likely to say: “Come on!, You’re BETTER than that”

Bullying Sporting Dad

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Farmer (Wealthy)

Rich red-faced porker who has inherited his mother’s chins and his father’s breasts along with 4,000 acres of prime farmland. He can trace his ancestry back to the Doomsday book and one of his ancestors was advisor to Elizabeth I. His family has eaten gargantuan quantities of meat over centuries and has clearly prioritised breeding themselves for sheer size rather than looks because he is six foot eight. His Amazonian wife is posher than Kirstie Allsopp and their grown up children are all so tall and barrel chested they look like they’ve swallowed a fleet of Landrovers.

They own several black Labradors, but they couldn’t tell you precisely how many. Being a super rich farmer with lots of land he is jolly pleased to also receive the lion’s share of CAP grants from the EU. He bores women to tears in the local pub before copping a feel and then gives them free meat to keep quiet. He likes to whinge about the weather and forecast food shortages and higher prices in the shops while in the same season your allotment has managed to produce enough tomatoes and runner beans to feed the world.

Characteristics

Reading Material: Farmers Guardian, John Deere catalogue, Dick Francis

Favourite TV Programmes and Films: Farming Today, The Archers, South Riding

Heroes and Role Models: Duke of Westminster

Most likely cause of death: Tractor rollover, heart attack

Favourite Music: Classical if asked, but prefers Elton John, Queen

Political Views: Tory

Ego Issues: He sings loudly in the shower; if he wasn’t so busy counting his guns he fancies he might have a career as an opera singer

Fears: Having to split income from Saxon hoards discovered on his land with metal detectorists

Likes: Meat, money, social climbing

Dislikes: farmsubsidy.org, metal detectorists

Earnings: £400k

Offspring: Four grown up children who are politicians or vetox.

Drives: Landrovers

Most likely to say: “They should be made to buy bloody British”

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Granny (Posh)

Impeccably dressed older lady with poise and grace and several grand’s worth of precious stones on her fingers. Her soft white-blonde locks frame the remains of great bone structure and the beauty she once was is still clearly evident.

She knows how to break the ice, feign interest in your life and discreetly bring the conversation to an end when she’s bored of you. She can hold a plate of canapés and a glass of Prosecco in the same hand and gesticulate, flirt and attract the waiter’s attention with the other. She has a house in the Home Counties and another in Tuscany and still talks about going ‘up’ to London, even though it’s due South.

Her sons are a source of great pride and she never misses an opportunity to drop their career highlights into the conversation. She rarely mentions her daughter-in-laws, who don’t parent the way she did and therefore don’t do it right. She is nonplussed by the formless art work her daughters-in-law send her through the post: frankly, she couldn’t care less whether it is little Olivia’s first go at finger painting or not. Her grandchildren’s photographs are framed neatly on the grand piano, but secretly make her anxious until they’re safely settled into Oxbridge and can talk civilly about the cabinet re-shuffle, the falling value of the dollar and their latest Rowing Blue.

Characteristics

Reading Material: Margaret Atwood, Ian McEwan and whatever’s on her Book Club Reading list

Favourite TV Programmes and Films: Radio 4, Woman’s Hour, Desert Island Discs, The Archers, Lark Rise to Candleford and anything with Colin Firth.

Heroes and Role Models: Dowager Duchess of Devonshire

Most likely cause of death: Old age

Favourite Music: Has no favourites, but likes to have a little Classic FM on in the background

Political Views: Thinks children should be privately educated from the age of two, should board as early as possible, shouldn’t wear coats in cold weather nor be molly-coddled with centrally heated houses. She thinks boiled egg and toast soldiers is never acceptable at lunch time, and that an infant should never sleep in the same room as its parents, let alone the same bed

Ego Issues: Is in a permanent state of frustration that none of her off-spring or their spouses will acknowledge her superiority when it comes to parenting choices

Fears: Close contact with an unclean nose, vomit, having to respond to the words, “I love you Granny”, being called “Granny”

Likes: Celebrating her grandchildren’s birthdays by post

Dislikes: Her grandchildren associating with children with regional accents, shaved heads or football strips

Earnings: Her husband’s healthy pension and investment portfolio keeps them very secure

Offspring: Two sons

Drives: Mercedes or Volvo

Most likely to say: “Very nice darling, but don’t touch Grandma’s frock. It’s new”

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Young Toff

Braying hooray called Peregrine with more money than sense of sneering entitlement and tendency to judge others on how they eat their soup, whether they buy or make marmalade and what they call their settee. His manner makes most people want to kick or shoot him in his ruddy face, so it’s a miracle this hasn’t happened yet, despite him spending so much time around horses and guns. He has the permanent look of bemusement that usually accompanies having no chin.

He says “what” instead of “pardon” and calls his parents “Mummy and Daddy”. A strict upholder of the status quo, his snobbery and inbreeding are so extensive that he can claim the Queen as a several-times-removed relative and can’t close his mouth over his teeth. After a childhood spent dressed as a girl, surrounded by nannies and private tutors, prep and public school, Daddy the diplomat got him a job as a public relations executive, which consists of loudly expressing his opinions over the phone in a plummy voice and spraying Moet during lunch. He sticks his finger in his ear when he’s on his mobile even when there’s no noise and would probably do the same on a deserted glacier.

Characteristics

Reading Material: Tatler, Country Life, Harpers and Queen, The Times, Evelyn Waugh

Favourite TV Programmes and Films: Gosford Park, Downton Abbey

Heroes and Role Models: Michael Gove, George Osborne, Lord Young, Julian Fellowes

Most likely cause of death: Kicked or shot in the face

Favourite Music: Predictable classical like Mozart, Bach (Brandenburg Concertos), Beethoven

Political Views: Unemployment is a price worth paying for low inflation; the fox hunting ban should be lifted

Ego Issues: Is only 4,389th in line to the British throne

Fears: Council-houses, people with regional accents, women

Likes: Killing animals with guns, killing animals by chasing them on horseback, primogeniture

Dislikes: Scruffy people (who must be lefties)

Earnings: £75-£100k

Offspring: Despite his own unfortunate features, when he is older his inherited wealth will enable him to marry well out of his league and sire five future fashion models called Olivia, Octavia, Gabriella, Arabella and Georgiana

Drives: Landrover 90

Most likely to say: “Now look here”

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