By Jeff Fluharty - Pioneer Drama

By Jeff Fluharty

© Copyright 2012, Pioneer Drama Service, Inc.

Professionals and amateurs are hereby warned that a royalty must be paid for every performance, whether or not admission is charged. All inquiries regarding rights should be addressed to Pioneer Drama Service, Inc., PO Box 4267, Englewood, CO 80155.

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On all programs, printing and advertising, the following information must appear:

1. The full name of the play2. The full name of the playwright3. The following notice: “Produced by special arrangement with

Pioneer Drama Service, Inc., Englewood, Colorado”

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HYDRANGEA ALBRIGHT: TRAGEDY OR COMEDY?

By JEFF FLUHARTY

CAST OF CHARACTERS(Please refer to “Flexible Casting” notes at end of playbook)

# of lines

PRIMARY CHARACTERS(appear in four or more scenes)

JANITOR ...................................keeps order in the theater 13TRAGIC PLAYWRIGHT .................sees life as a tragedy 82HYDRANGEA ALBRIGHT ..............girl whose family is cursed 73

with bad luckCOMEDIC PLAYWRIGHT ..............sees life as a comedy 98HARLEY THE FOURTH ................Hydrangea’s blindly optimistic 60

fatherVANESSA ALBRIGHT ..................Hydrangea’s mother; optimistic 47

with a need for speed

SECONDARY CHARACTERS(appear in less than four scenes)

HARLEY THE FIRST ....................brilliant architect and kind man; 5 Hydrangea’s great-great-grandfather

NEWSPAPER SELLER .................spreads the news of important 3 events

HARLEY THE SECOND ................selfish, greedy and irresponsible 7MINISTER .................................presides over the Albrights’ 4

weddingGUEST #1 .................................wedding guest 5GUEST #2 .................................another 5CHEF ........................................baker of the wedding cake 2DRUMMER ................................dysfunctional wedding band 4

memberGUITAR PLAYER .........................another 3BASS PLAYER ............................another 2FISHING KID #1 ........................vacationer at Reflection Lake 2FISHING KID #2 ........................another 2REPORTER ................................Hopeville TV reporter 6MRS. BLYTHE ............................Hydrangea’s favorite teacher; 6

radiant and positiveCLASSMATE #1 .........................student in Mrs. Blythe’s class 5

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# of lines

CLASSMATE #2 .........................another 4CLASSMATE #3 .........................another; a.k.a. Glorpinheimer 4PRINCIPAL PERIWINKLE .............principal at Hydrangea’s school 14MS. SLURRY .............................mean substitute teacher who 19

does not like her jobSECRETARY ..............................works at Expect the Unexpected 4

Insurance Co.MR. WELLINGTON .....................Harley’s boss at Expect the 3

Unexpected Insurance CompanyPOLICE OFFICER ........................guards the old courthouse 2MRS. HENDERSON ....................older neighbor of Harley and 2

VanessaMRS. WHITE .............................school librarian; old and very 23

wiseFARMER ....................................character in Mrs. White’s story 7FARMER’S SON .........................another 3NEIGHBOR ................................another 4KNIGHT ....................................another 1CRIMINAL #1 ............................jewel thief 2CRIMINAL #2 ............................another 2VOLUNTEER ..............................soup kitchen helper 4PERSON AT SOUP KITCHEN ........poor person in need of a meal 1

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SETTING

Time: Early 1900s to present day.

Place: Various locations in Hydrangea’s hometown of Hopeville.

The play is performed on a bare stage with minimal props brought on to suggest many locations in Hopeville. The backdrop for the play is large, painted comedy and tragedy masks. A bench is DOWN LEFT where the playwrights write and narrate the story through the entire play.

SYNOPSIS OF SCENES

Prologue: Oops! There’s a PlayA stage in a theater, present day

Scene One: The CurseHopeville, early 1900s

Scene Two: Love at First CrashHopeville School football field and the wedding of Vanessa and Harley Albright the Fourth, 15 or 20 years ago.

Scene Three: Hydrangea Is BornAround Hopeville, from Hydrangea’s birth through her early childhood

Scene Four: A Cursed FamilyThe Albright’s house, present day

Scene Five: Good-bye, Mrs. Blythe. Hello, MiseryHopeville School, present day

Scene Six: Insurance Salesman BluesExpect the Unexpected Insurance Company and outside Hopeville Courthouse, present day

Scene Seven: Crazy ParentsThe Albright’s house and the streets of Hopeville, present day

Scene Eight: Wisdom in the LibraryHopeville School library, present day

Scene Nine: The JewelHopeville School, present day

Scene Ten: How Do You Break a Curse?Hopeville School library and downtown Hopeville, present day

Epilogue: The Power of the PenThe Albright’s house, present day

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HYDRANGEA ALBRIGHT: TRAGEDY OR COMEDY?

PROLOGUEOops! There’s a Play

AT RISE: A stage in a theater, present day. The stage is empty except for a small bench DOWN LEFT that will remain there for the entire play. JANITOR ENTERS, sweeping the floor and listening to headphones. While working her way to CENTER, JANITOR sings and dances to the music, unaware of the AUDIENCE. After several rock-star-like moves, JANITOR notices the AUDIENCE.JANITOR: (Embarrassed.) Whoa! Hi. I didn’t know anyone was here.

(Nervous and a little defensive.) There’s not a play scheduled… is there? (Looks at AUDIENCE.) Yes?! Wait. I’ll be right back. (Runs OFF and comes back ON with a clipboard.) Let’s see. (Looks at pages on the clipboard.) I told you, there’s nothing scheduled. Oops, no, the story of Hydrangea Albright is scheduled for right now. We have a little problem. That play hasn’t been written yet. Please be patient. I hope I can get the theater manager on the phone. (Takes out a cell phone and dials.) Hello, Mr. Sullivan. It’s the janitor from the theater. You need to send a playwright down here right away. The audience is here, and there’s no script! (Pauses.) Okay. Thank you, sir. (Hangs up. To AUDIENCE.) He says he will get a playwright in a few minutes. (Waits.) I’m sure it won’t be long now. (Waits.) So… how about those Yankees? (Waits.) Does anyone know any jokes? No? Okay. (Pauses.) I’m just a janitor, but you know, I always wanted to be in a play. (Acts with the broom. In a grand, Shakespearean voice.) To sweep or not to sweep? That is the question. Whether ’tis nobler to do thy work or to entertain thee with my talents—

TRAGIC PLAYWRIGHT: (ENTERS, startling JANITOR.) What are you doing? I was told you need a playwright.

JANITOR: Oh, I’m so glad to see you, sir. (Extends her hand.)TRAGIC PLAYWRIGHT: (Ignores her.) Of course you are. (Motions to

AUDIENCE.) Everyone is. For I am only the greatest living writer on this continent or any other continent, for that matter. This theater commissioned me to write a play. Do you have the notes?

JANITOR: Yes. The notes for the play are right here. (Hands TRAGIC PLAYWRIGHT the notes from the clipboard.) It’s the story of a young girl named Hydrangea Albright. Her family is cursed with bad luck. You can take it in any direction you want.

TRAGIC PLAYWRIGHT: Hydrangea Albright. Hmmm. (Paces while thinking, pompous.) I see this story as a tragedy. It’s a sad, sad

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tale of missed opportunity and hopelessness. It is as sad as life itself. It is sadder than a new day without the sun.

JANITOR: (To AUDIENCE.) Wow, this guy’s quite the downer.TRAGIC PLAYWRIGHT: It’s sadder than a puppy no one wants in the

window at the pound. It’s sadder than… (Notices JANITOR.) I do believe it is now time for you to leave.

JANITOR: Yes, sir. Good luck with the play, sir. (EXITS.)TRAGIC PLAYWRIGHT: Writing has nothing to do with luck. It’s all about

talent. It’s about capturing the disappointment of life in words. Let us begin. (Clears throat.) The story of Hydrangea Albright is one of tragedy and misfortune. (HYDRANGEA ENTERS and crosses to CENTER.) Young Hydrangea was a plain girl, an ordinary girl, with extraordinary bad luck. (Motions to HYDRANGEA.) Look at this sad girl’s face. It is filled with despair. (HYDRANGEA makes a sad face.) Her agonizing years of existence represented one failure after another. But it was not Hydrangea’s fault. It was her destiny. For bad luck was in this poor girl’s blood. Her life was—

COMEDIC PLAYWRIGHT: (ENTERS from the BACK OF THE AUDITORIUM as if she is entering a party without a care in the world. She is eccentric, loud and fun.) Okay! I’m here. So sorry I’m late, but don’t I look fabulous? (Looks at AUDIENCE.) Hey, great crowd. (To AUDIENCE.) Have you heard the one about the duck and the pizza? No? Oh, you are going to love this one. Well, there’s this duck, and he walks into a restaurant and—

TRAGIC PLAYWRIGHT: Excuse me! I’m the playwright, and I am in the middle of telling the tragic story of Hydrangea Albright.

COMEDIC PLAYWRIGHT: That’s funny, because I, too, am a playwright, and I was hired by this theater to write a play about Hydrangea Albright. It looks like they double-booked. (Smiles and pats TRAGIC PLAYWRIGHT on the back as if they are old friends.) Maybe we could work together on this one.

TRAGIC PLAYWRIGHT: (Greatly offended.) Preposterous! I only work alone.

COMEDIC PLAYWRIGHT: Let me see the notes. (Takes the notes and looks them over while thinking.) Okay. Hydrangea Albright. Hmmm… I see it as a comedy.

TRAGIC PLAYWRIGHT: Ridiculous! It’s a tragedy.COMEDIC PLAYWRIGHT: No, this is definitely a comedy. (Crosses to

HYDRANGEA.) It’s the uplifting and sometimes funny tale of an optimistic girl who learns to makes the best of every situation. (Molds HYDRANGEA into a more confident pose and her face into a smile.)

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TRAGIC PLAYWRIGHT: Give me those notes back. (Reaches for the notes, but COMEDIC PLAYWRIGHT pulls them back. Face to face.) You have no business destroying my… (Grabs notes.) …brilliant tragedy. Remove yourself from this stage! (Points OFFSTAGE.)

COMEDIC PLAYWRIGHT: I will not. (Takes the notes back.) And, by the way, it’s a comedy. (TRAGIC PLAYWRIGHT lunges for notes. PLAYWRIGHTS wrestle for control of the notes.)

TRAGIC PLAYWRIGHT: It’s a tragedy!COMEDIC PLAYWRIGHT: It’s a comedy!TRAGIC PLAYWRIGHT: Tragedy!COMEDIC PLAYWRIGHT: Comedy!JANITOR: (ENTERS and breaks up the fight by forcing them apart with

her broom.) Stop that! Bad writers! Bad writers! Now, I think you two are going to have to work together on this one. You are both being paid to tell the story of Hydrangea Albright. So start telling it! (Scowls at both PLAYWRIGHTS.) And don’t make me come back out here with the broom. (Shoots one more intimidating look at them.) Do you understand? (They nod. JANITOR EXITS. Each PLAYWRIGHT ends up with some of the notes. They each take out pens and begin to work on their scripts as they make their way to the bench, DOWN LEFT. LIGHTS FADE to BLACK. [NOTE: PLAYWRIGHTS remain ONSTAGE through the entire play.])

End of Prologue

Scene OneThe Curse

LIGHTS UP: While COMEDIC PLAYWRIGHT and TRAGIC PLAYWRIGHT work on their scripts, a blanket and a large, comfortable chair of the early 1900s are brought ON. As PLAYWRIGHTS tell the story, the events are acted out onstage.COMEDIC PLAYWRIGHT: I still see it as a comedy.TRAGIC PLAYWRIGHT: No, it’s not! Watch and learn from a master

writer. (Clears his throat and begins to tell story.) As I was saying, bad luck was in Hydrangea’s blood. Blood that flowed back four generations to her great-great-grandfather, Harley Albright the first. (HARLEY THE FIRST ENTERS as HYDRANGEA EXITS.)

COMEDIC PLAYWRIGHT: Who was an incredible architect and noble man.

NEWSPAPER SELLER: (ENTERS with a satchel of newspapers. Holds a newspaper in the air while yelling.) Extra, extra! Read all about it! Harley Albright tops list of America’s premier architects of 1923!

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Mayor commissions Albright to design the new courthouse and the Hopeville School.

COMEDIC PLAYWRIGHT: Not only were his architectural accomplishments in Hopeville, but around the world as well. Harley designed buildings for kings and emperors, and he had a reputation for being a kind and honest man. His work made him rich, and often, Harley received valuable gifts for his amazing designs, including the famed Jewel of Anastasia.

NEWSPAPER SELLER: Extra, extra! Read all about it! Harley Albright does it again! Builds architectural wonder for Queen! Albright receives Jewel of Anastasia as gesture of Her Majesty’s extreme gratitude. Mysterious jewel is estimated to be worth millions and has magical powers. (EXITS.)

TRAGIC PLAYWRIGHT: Yes, the power to put a curse on someone such as one’s son and his descendants.

COMEDIC PLAYWRIGHT: Why would Harley put a curse on his own family?

TRAGIC PLAYWRIGHT: Before you rush to judgment, you should meet Harley’s son, Harley Albright the Second.

HARLEY THE SECOND: (ENTERS. Demanding and obnoxious.) Father, I need more money.

HARLEY THE FIRST: Son, I’ve been giving you money year after year. You’re a grown man. It’s time that you get a job.

HARLEY THE SECOND: Why? You have plenty of money. I’ll just spend more of yours.

HARLEY THE FIRST: (Shakes his head in disappointment.) My son, I’ve arranged for you to help me design buildings or to go to the college of your choice. I want you to reach your potential. It’s the 1920s, and there are opportunities all around us.

HARLEY THE SECOND: I don’t need a job, because I’m your only offspring. Dad, you’re pretty old. It’s only a matter of time before your fortune is my fortune.

COMEDIC PLAYWRIGHT: Harley gave his son many chances—TRAGIC PLAYWRIGHT: But he was always disappointed. His son was

a mean and selfish person.HARLEY THE SECOND: Woo-hoo! Party at Dad’s place! Free food and

free drinks at the mansion of the famous Harley Albright the First. This party’s going to be awesome! Woo-hoo! (EXITS. HARLEY THE FIRST sits in a chair and pulls blanket over himself.)

TRAGIC PLAYWRIGHT: At the end of the elder Harley’s life, he lay sick and dying.

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COMEDIC PLAYWRIGHT: He was hoping that his son would come and care for him.

TRAGIC PLAYWRIGHT: Tragically, he did not.COMEDIC PLAYWRIGHT: Harley the First deeply desired to see some

goodness in his son.TRAGIC PLAYWRIGHT: But there wasn’t any goodness in the younger

Harley. The father had much wealth, but great sadness because of his son.

COMEDIC PLAYWRIGHT: Finally, when the end was near, his son visited him.

HARLEY THE SECOND: (ENTERS.) Father, I’m here for my inheritance.HARLEY THE FIRST: (Weak.) Son, you have disappointed me greatly.

(Coughs.) It is because of your selfish and greedy behavior that I have left all of my fortune, all of my wealth, every last penny to… (Pause.) …charity.

HARLEY THE SECOND: What?!HARLEY THE FIRST: (Takes out the Jewel of Anastasia and rubs it while

looking at HARLEY THE SECOND.) To teach you a lesson that will hopefully bring our family a little happiness someday, I will use the power of the Jewel of Anastasia to curse you and our descendants to a life of misfortune and bad luck until you learn to be kind.

HARLEY THE SECOND: Thanks a lot, Dad. You’re just a cruel, old man. (EXITS. HARLEY THE FIRST watches him go, then suddenly falls off the chair and dies.)

TRAGIC PLAYWRIGHT: Poor Harley the First died. His son had broken his heart.

NEWSPAPER SELLER: (ENTERS.) Extra, extra! Read all about it! Famous architect Harley Albright dies and donates entire fortune to charity! Son receives nothing! Jewel of Anastasia unaccounted for! (EXITS.)

TRAGIC PLAYWRIGHT: Thus, the curse began. It haunted poor Harley the Second throughout his entire unlucky and miserable life.

COMEDIC PLAYWRIGHT: Except for one bright spot. Harley the Second did have a son, Harley the Third. (Looks for actor to come in. Projects voice into one of the WINGS of the stage.) I said, “He did have a son, Harley the Third.”

TRAGIC PLAYWRIGHT: Who had such an unlucky life that we don’t even have an actor to play his part. All we need to know is that the curse flowed through him and was alive and strong in each succeeding generation of Albrights, who all seemed to be cursed with bad luck worse than the last. (PLAYWRIGHTS work on their

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scripts. JANITOR ENTERS, clears the chair and assists or drags HARLEY THE FIRST OFF. LIGHTS FADE to BLACK.)

End of Scene One

Scene TwoLove at First Crash

LIGHTS UP: The Hopeville School football game and Albright wedding ceremony, about 16 years ago.COMEDIC PLAYWRIGHT: I must say, it’s not always clear if luck is

bad or good.TRAGIC PLAYWRIGHT: It’s clearly bad luck whenever it has to do with

an Albright.COMEDIC PLAYWRIGHT: I disagree. Look at how Hydrangea’s father

and mother met. Hydrangea’s parents met in high school. Harley Albright the Fourth was the second-string kick returner for the Hopeville School football team. (HARLEY THE FOURTH ENTERS jogs around and does various football poses.) Vanessa Albright, Vanessa Martin at the time, was a tuba player in the school marching band. (VANESSA ENTERS with a tuba. [See PRODUCTION NOTES.]) Hopeville was winning by five points with only two seconds left in the game. All Hopeville had to do was successfully catch the kickoff, and they would win the game.

TRAGIC PLAYWRIGHT: But the hometown crowd became as concerned as a turkey in November when Harley the Fourth was put in the game for the final play.

COMEDIC PLAYWRIGHT: (HARLEY THE FOURTH looks up and watches as if a football were flying through the air.) As the ball sailed through the air, Harley the Fourth prepared to catch it. The band began to play a victory song, and Vanessa was about to play her tuba solo.

TRAGIC PLAYWRIGHT: But just then, the skies opened up and it started to pour rain. (SOUND EFFECT: HEAVY RAIN.) The football was wobbling in the air like a fighter plane that had been hit. (HARLEY THE FOURTH tries desperately to track the ball.)

COMEDIC PLAYWRIGHT: Harley was determined to catch it.TRAGIC PLAYWRIGHT: But Mother Nature was about to further

intervene in Harley’s attempt at glory. Suddenly, a bolt of lightning hit Vanessa’s tuba… (SOUND EFFECT: THUNDER.) …causing her to aimlessly stumble towards the field. (VANESSA moves towards HARLEY THE FOURTH in slow motion.) At the same moment, the flash from the lightning temporarily blinded Harley just as the football hit his hands. (A football is tossed IN to HARLEY THE FOURTH from OFFSTAGE. He drops it.) He fumbled the kick, and his momentum

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hurled him towards the sidelines. (HARLEY THE FOURTH moves towards VANESSA in slow motion.) Instantly, Vanessa and Harley met in a crash. (VANESSA and HARLEY THE FOURTH run into each other and fall to the ground. SOUND EFFECT: CRASH.) Giving one another a few bruised ribs, a black eye, two chipped teeth and a slight concussion. The first thing Harley saw when he lifted his head was the other team scoring the winning touchdown.

COMEDIC PLAYWRIGHT: The next thing Harley saw was true love. (HARLEY THE FOURTH and VANESSA slowly start to get up.)

HARLEY THE FOURTH: Wow, what happened?VANESSA: I don’t know. Are you okay?HARLEY THE FOURTH: I think so. (Looks at VANESSA.) Wow, you’re

cute.VANESSA: (Bashful.) Thanks. (HARLEY THE FOURTH stands, then

extends his hand and helps VANESSA up.) You’re not so bad yourself.

HARLEY THE FOURTH: My name’s Harley.VANESSA: I’m Vanessa.HARLEY THE FOURTH: Sorry about your tuba, Vanessa.VANESSA: (While they both struggle with the tuba.) That’s okay, I’d

really rather play something a little smaller like the triangle or maybe the harmonica. (They give up on the tuba and EXIT, limping and holding hands.)

COMEDIC PLAYWRIGHT: Yes, fumbles, lightning and minor wounds at first look bad, but as a result of this incident, Vanessa and Harley met, fell in love and were eventually married. (Smiles.)

TRAGIC PLAYWRIGHT: But, of course, an Albright wedding is not an occasion for celebration. A helmet would be more appropriate than a tie.

COMEDIC PLAYWRIGHT: It was a glorious day for a wedding. As the guests arrived… (HARLEY THE FOURTH, VANESSA, MINISTER, GUEST #1 and GUEST #2 ENTER for the wedding ceremony. JANITOR ENTERS and takes the tuba OFF.)

TRAGIC PLAYWRIGHT: …smoke from a nearby wildfire drifted into the wedding party. (EVERYONE coughs.)

COMEDIC PLAYWRIGHT: But it soon cleared up, and the sun shone brightly upon them. (EVERYONE looks up to the sky and smiles. SOUND EFFECT: WEDDING MUSIC.)

MINISTER: (As WEDDING MUSIC FADES OUT.) We are gathered here today— (VANESSA hiccups.) —for the wedding of Vanessa Martin

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and Harley Albright the Fourth. A marriage is a contract based on patience— (VANESSA hiccups. MINISTER looks at VANESSA.)

VANESSA: Sorry.MINISTER: As I was saying, a marriage is a contract based on

patience— (VANESSA hiccups. MINISTER looks at VANESSA.)VANESSA: I think I’ve got it under control now.MINISTER: We’ll try again. A marriage is a contract based on

patience— (VANESSA hiccups. MINISTER loses his patience and yells.) Woman, would you stop those infernal hiccups?! (VANESSA is scared into the arms of HARLEY THE FOURTH. MINISTER struggles to regain composure.) Let’s just skip to the important part. Does anyone here see any reason why these two should not be married? If so, speak now or forever hold your peace. (SOUND EFFECT: RUMBLING EARTHQUAKE. ALL start to vibrate and sway.)

GUEST #1: What’s happening?GUEST #2: Why is everything shaking?GUEST #1: Earthquake!GUEST #2: I think it’s the big one. (EVERYONE eventually falls to the

ground.)MINISTER: (Raises head up from the ground and shouts.) I now

pronounce you husband and wife. (VANESSA and HARLEY THE FOURTH hold hands while on the ground.)

COMEDIC PLAYWRIGHT: (Cries.) They look so happy. Weddings always make me cry.

TRAGIC PLAYWRIGHT: You are a romantic fool. (Shakes his head.) Shall we continue?

COMEDIC PLAYWRIGHT: Okay. (Wipes her eyes.)TRAGIC PLAYWRIGHT: Like an uninvited guest in search of free food,

the bad luck followed them to the wedding reception. (ALL stand and mingle for the wedding reception.)

VANESSA: Everyone warned me about your family’s curse, but I’m so happy.

HARLEY THE FOURTH: Me, too. (CHEF ENTERS carrying a wedding cake.)

VANESSA: Look they are bringing out the cake.GUEST #1: The cake is beautiful!GUEST #2: It must have taken hours to add such detail.CHEF: (Suddenly loses balance and sways back and forth as OTHERS

react.) Look out!GUEST #1: Save the cake!

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GUEST #2: Oh, no! (CHEF falls, and the cake spills on the ground. [See PRODUCTION NOTES.])

CHEF: Sorry. (HARLEY THE FOURTH sticks his finger in the pile of cake and tastes it. CHEF picks up the pieces of cake and EXITS.)

HARLEY THE FOURTH: It’s okay. Don’t worry about the cake. These things happen. (DRUMMER, GUITAR PLAYER and BASS PLAYER ENTER with their instruments.) Look, here’s the band. Let’s just dance. (EVERYONE agrees.) Band, please play our song.

DRUMMER: All right. A one, a two, a one, two, three, four. (BAND plays and EVERYONE dances happily. [NOTE: The music may be a SOUND EFFECT or played live.] Shortly, GUESTS notice that the BAND is starting to fight. Eventually, the MUSIC STOPS mid-song.)

GUITAR PLAYER: You are always off one beat! I don’t know why I ever joined this lousy band.

BASS PLAYER: Not this again. (Shakes his head in frustration.)DRUMMER: Well, you never let me write any songs.GUITAR PLAYER: That’s because your songwriting is as bad as your

drumming.DRUMMER: It’s not as bad as your breath. Ever heard of a toothbrush?BASS PLAYER: You two are always fighting. Ahhh, I’m done with this

band. (EXITS.)GUITAR PLAYER: I’m not going to stay if it’s just me and Mr.

Rhythmless. I quit, too. (Storms OFF.)DRUMMER: (To AUDIENCE.) What’s the point? My mom wanted me to

be a dermatologist anyway. (EXITS.)GUEST #1: This is the worst wedding I’ve ever been to. (EXITS.)GUEST #2: No cake. No music. I’m going home. (EXITS. MINISTER

shakes his head and looks at HARLEY THE FOURTH and VANESSA disappointingly, then EXITS.)

TRAGIC PLAYWRIGHT: The wedding was a disaster, and Vanessa and Harley were tragically left alone to start their cursed life together.

COMEDIC PLAYWRIGHT: But they really didn’t care about the earthquake, the dropped cake or the feuding musicians. Vanessa and Harley were just happy to be married, and they would dance together with or without music. (VANESSA and HARLEY THE FOURTH joyously dance their way OFFSTAGE, even though no music is playing.)

TRAGIC PLAYWRIGHT: (Protests.) Oh, come on! You call yourself a writer? (Mocking.) “They would dance together with or without music.” I just might vomit right here on this very stage. (Shakes

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his head.) Let us move to the birth of Hydrangea. (PLAYWRIGHTS work on their scripts. LIGHTS FADE to BLACK.)

End of Scene Two

Scene ThreeHydrangea Is Born

LIGHTS UP: Around Hopeville, during Hydrangea’s first eight years. Four fishing poles are hidden on the edge of stage (can be placed before beginning of play). On one side of the stage, two of them have fish at the end of the line. On the other side of the stage, one has a bike tire and the other has a boot.COMEDIC PLAYWRIGHT: Not long after the wedding, Vanessa and

Harley were blessed with a beautiful baby girl. (VANESSA and HARLEY THE FOURTH ENTER with a baby [doll]. They are glowing with happiness.)

TRAGIC PLAYWRIGHT: (Overly dramatic.) And the crying was relentless. (SOUND EFFECT: CRYING BABY. HARLEY THE FOURTH and VANESSA try to console their baby. They look incredibly stressed.) Sleepless nights. Never-ending, ear-piercing crying. Diapers everywhere. Spit-up on the floor. Crying, crying and more crying. It was truly the worst of times.

COMEDIC PLAYWRIGHT: Are you finished?TRAGIC PLAYWRIGHT: The crying. Oh, the crying. So, so much crying.COMEDIC PLAYWRIGHT: (Holds up a hand and the CRYING STOPS.

HARLEY THE FOURTH and VANESSA look at ease.) Let’s see…HARLEY THE FOURTH: She’s beautiful. What should we name her?VANESSA: How about Hydrangea?HARLEY THE FOURTH: Perfect.VANESSA: Our precious little Hydrangea.HARLEY THE FOURTH: The string of Harleys is broken. I see great

things in little Hydrangea’s future.VANESSA: Yes, nothing but good luck and fortune for our little flower.

(HARLEY THE FOURTH and VANESSA EXIT.)COMEDIC PLAYWRIGHT: Now, the Albright’s were a happy family of

three—TRAGIC PLAYWRIGHT: But there was a dark cloud over this family.

A cloud as dark as a black jelly bean dropped in fresh tar. Hydrangea’s early years showed the strength of her great-great-grandfather’s curse. Harley and Vanessa Albright had hoped that the curse would not continue with Hydrangea, but it did. (HARLEY

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THE FOURTH, VANESSA and a young looking HYDRANGEA ENTER. VANESSA carries a puppy.)

COMEDIC PLAYWRIGHT: When she was five years old, Hydrangea received a puppy. (VANESSA gives the puppy to HYDRANGEA. [NOTE: Puppy is attached to fishing line that the AUDIENCE cannot see. The other end of line extends OFFSTAGE.])

HYDRANGEA: Wow! A puppy! This is the greatest! I’ll name him Lucky. (Sets the puppy down and pets him.)

TRAGIC PLAYWRIGHT: But Lucky tragically ran away and was never seen again. (Puppy is pulled OFFSTAGE. ALBRIGHTS sadly watch the puppy run away.)

COMEDIC PLAYWRIGHT: There was that wonderful, summer fishing trip at Reflection Lake. (HYDRANGEA and HARLEY THE FOURTH take the preset fishing poles and sit on the edge of the stage, fishing. VANESSA watches from a distance. FISHING KIDS ENTER and take the other two fishing poles. They are fishing on the opposite side of the stage.)

HYDRANGEA: It looks like those people over there are catching lots of fish.

FISHING KID #1: I caught another one! (Reels in a fish.)FISHING KID #2: That’s the eighth fish we’ve caught today.FISHING KID #1: This lake has the best fishing.FISHING KID #2: I know. It’s like the fish want to be caught. You just

put your line in, and before you know it, there’s a fish on your line. (Catches a fish and high-fives FISHING KID #1.)

HARLEY THE FOURTH: Don’t worry, we’ll catch— (HARLEY’S fishing pole starts to move.) Whoa! I think I’ve got one! (Reels in a boot. Smiles proudly.) Look.

HYDRANGEA: (Disappointed.) Dad, it’s a boot.HARLEY THE FOURTH: But it’s a nice boot. Maybe we can catch

another one, and we’ll have a pair. Or maybe we’ll catch some socks. (HYDRANGEA’S fishing pole starts to move.) Oh, look, I think you have one!

HYDRANGEA: It feels like a big one! Look… (Reels in a bike tire.) Dad, my fish looks an awful lot like a tire.

HARLEY THE FOURTH: I think we’ll just order take-out for dinner from Freddy’s Fish Shack. (FISHING KIDS EXIT with their poles. HARLEY THE FOURTH and HYDRANGEA quickly set their poles OFFSTAGE.)

TRAGIC PLAYWRIGHT: It’s so sad when a father takes his child fishing and only catches junk. Of course, they also caught strep throat (ALBRIGHTS cough.) and a wicked case of poison ivy (ALBRIGHTS itch.) and—

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PRODUCTION NOTES

PROPERTIES ONSTAGE

Prologue: Small bench (remains onstage for the entire play).

Scene One: Albright the First’s living room set—large, comfortable chair.

Scene Two: None.

Scene Three: Two fishing poles with fish on the end of the line, one fishing pole with a bike tire at the end of the line, one fishing pole with a boot at the end of the line.

Scene Four: Albright the Fourth’s kitchen set—table, three chairs and a kitchen cart. On table are table settings for three, cereal box, towel, bowl of scrambled eggs, pepper container, TV remote.

Scene Five: Classroom set—four classroom chairs.

Scene Six: Office set—small desk or table, phone, chair.

Scene Seven: Albright the Fourth’s kitchen set. Book labeled Blues for Idiots, photo album, steering wheel.

Scene Eight: School library set—library cart with books.

Scene Nine: Classroom set. Planter box with flowers and a hidden box with large jewel in it (placed during mid-scene set change)

Scene Ten: School library set.

Epilogue: Albright the Fourth’s living room set.—large, comfortable chair.

PROPERTIES BROUGHT ONPrologue:

Broom, headphones, clipboard with multiples sheets of paper, cell phone (JANITOR)

Pen (TRAGIC PLAYWRIGHT, COMEDIC PLAYWRIGHT)Scene One:

Pen, play notes (PLAYWRIGHTS)Newspaper satchel, old-fashioned newspaper (NEWSPAPER

SELLER)Jewel of Anastasia (HARLEY THE FIRST)

Scene Two:Pen, play notes (PLAYWRIGHTS)Tuba (VANESSA)Football (From OFFSTAGE)Wedding cake (CHEF)Guitar (GUITAR PLAYER)

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Bass (BASS PLAYER)Drum or tambourine (DRUMMER)

Scene Three:Pen, play notes (PLAYWRIGHTS)Baby doll, [stuffed animal] puppy with fishing line attached

(VANESSA)Beach ball (HYDRANGEA)Christmas hats, wrapped gifts (VANESSA, HARLEY THE FOURTH)

Scene Four:Pen, play notes (PLAYWRIGHTS)Briefcase with papers inside (HARLEY THE FOURTH)Microphone (REPORTER)

Scene Five:Pen, play notes (PLAYWRIGHTS)Cash (CLASSMATE #3)Coffee mug (MS. SLURRY)

Scene Six:Pen, play notes (PLAYWRIGHTS)Tree branch (VANESSA)Briefcase (HARLEY THE FOURTH)

Scene Seven:Pen, play notes (PLAYWRIGHTS)Guitar (HARLEY THE FOURTH)Cane (MRS. HENDERSON)

Scene Eight:Pen, play notes (PLAYWRIGHTS)Notebook, pen (HYDRANGEA)Books (MRS. WHITE)Microphone (REPORTER)Walking stick (FARMER’S SON)

Scene Nine:Pen, play notes (PLAYWRIGHTS)Coffee mug (MS. SLURRY)Notebook, small garden shovel (HYDRANGEA)Two glasses partially filled with water (JANITOR)

Scene Ten:Pen, play notes (PLAYWRIGHTS)Box with large jewel (HYDRANGEA)Donation bucket, bell (VOLUNTEER)Baby doll (MRS. BLYTHE)

Epilogue:Pen, play notes (PLAYWRIGHTS)TV remote (HYDRANGEA)

NOTE: PHOTOCOPYING THIS SCRIPT BREAKS FEDERAL COPYRIGHT LAWSFor preview only

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Guitar (HARLEY THE FOURTH)Microphone (REPORTER)Food tray (PERSON AT SOUP KITCHEN)Steering wheel (VANESSA)Broom (JANITOR)

NOTE ON MULTIPLE USES FOR SETThe same table can be used for the Albright’s kitchen and the secretary’s desk. The same chairs can be used in the classroom, the Albrights’ kitchen, the secretary’s desk and Vanessa’s car. The comfortable chair in Scene One can be reused in the Epilogue.

SCENE CHANGESScene changes should move quickly so that the action resumes as quickly as possible. Blackouts are included to assist with set change needs, but are completely optional. The minimal sets may be easily changed by JANITOR and other characters to move the play along as quickly as possible.

NOTE ON BACKDROPThe backdrop for the play is large comedy and tragedy masks. If possible they should be hung, leaving space behind them and touching the stage. This will provide space to hide some of the props during the play and help move the action quickly.

NOTE ON WEDDING CAKEThe wedding cake brought on in Scene Two can be made out of cardboard or foam. Do not attach the layers of cake to each other. That way, when the cake is dropped, it breaks apart. If you would like to have a little piece of edible cake so that HARLEY THE FOURTH can taste it, you can put a cupcake in the top layer.

NOTE ON TUBAIf a tuba is not available, any large or extremely small instrument that can bring humor to the scene is acceptable.

NOTE ON HARLEY THE FOURTH’S BLUES SONGNo musical ability is necessary. HARLEY THE FOURTH lacks talent but sings (and plays) with a lot of passion. Actor should awkwardly belt out the song and strum a basic blues chord.

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SOUND EFFECTS

Heavy rain, thunder, tuba crash, wedding music, rumbling earthquake, band dance music, crying baby, space station crash, jingle bells, phone ring, engine starting, speeding car, car crash, school bell, criminal or spy music, upbeat dance music.

Optional sound or visual effect for snow falling.

FLEXIBLE CASTING

The roles of HYDRANGEA, HARLEY (FIRST, SECOND AND FOURTH), VANESSA ALBRIGHT, MRS. BLYTHE, PRINCIPAL PERIWINKLE and MS. SLURRY require a specific gender. The remainder of the cast may be played male or female as needed. Though some of these roles, such as JANITOR and PLAYWRIGHTS, are written as male or female, they may be changed to suit your particular casting needs with simple changes of the name and associated pronouns.

The role of Hydrangea can be split between two actresses, one playing the younger Hydrangea in Scene Three and the other playing the older in the Prologue and Scenes Four through the Epilogue.

Obviously, many of the secondary roles can be doubled. The play could be performed with as few as 12 actors, with six players performing several roles and changing costumes extremely quickly. A cast minimum of 16 is more realistic. For further guidance on the play’s extensive doubling possibilities, please see the character/scene breakdown in the director’s book.

COSTUME SUGGESTIONS

Costumes are readily evident with the following details for some:

TRAGIC PLAYWRIGHT wears a black collared shirt and black pants. Has an artsy flair with a negative outlook on life.

HYDRANGEA ALBRIGHT wears typical, modern-day kid’s clothing. Possibly a simple change in clothing or hairstyle from young Hydrangea to teenage Hydrangea to start Scene Four. She also wears a watch. At the end of Scene Three, she has small red stickers all over her skin to indicate chicken pox.

COMEDIC PLAYWRIGHT wears colorful, eccentric attire. Possibly a brightly colored dress or blouse with a feather boa. This costume should exude a positive outlook on life.

HARLEY THE FIRST wears nice clothing with an early 1900s look. Possibly glasses and grey hair.

NEWSPAPER SELLER wears hat and attire of an early 1900s paperboy.

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HARLEY THE SECOND wears clothing from the early 1900s. Has a slightly rebellious look to him.

HARLEY THE FOURTH wears contemporary adult clothing. Slightly disheveled and eccentric in his choices. Wears a Hopeville football jersey for the football game, and a coat and tie for the wedding. Both events happen in Scene Two and will require a quick change.

VANESSA ALBRIGHT wears contemporary adult clothing which should be fun and a little eccentric. For the wedding, add a tiara.

DRUMMER, GUITAR PLAYER and BASS PLAYER wear collared shirts and ties. Possibly matching outfits.

MRS. BLYTHE wears a brightly-colored dress. She is nicely dressed with a cheery feel to her.

MS. SLURRY wears a dark-colored dress. She is nicely dressed with an evil edge to her.

MRS. HENDERSON wears a bathrobe and glasses. Possibly curlers in hair or a shower cap. She uses a walking cane.

FARMER, FARMER’S SON and NEIGHBOR wear fairytale clothing, such as knickers (or rolled up pants), tall white socks and puffy, light colored shirts.

CRIMINALS wear all black including black stocking hats, gloves.

VOLUNTEER wears contemporary clothing with a hat and/or shirt that bears the “Hopeville Soup Kitchen” name on it. Can add a cafeteria worker hairnet or apron, if desired, for Epilogue.

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