Breaking through the “cinderella bias” barrier stepfamily relationships, Celia Falchi

Breaking through the “Cinderella Bias” barrier: Stepfamily relationships

Celia Falchi, Ian M. Evans & Antonia LyonsMassey University, Wellington

Acknowledgements Ian Evans & Antonia Lyons – Supervisors New Zealand Families Commission My Husband Mum (my stepmum Sera) – My inspiration and role model

The Big Question

Do positive functioning stepfamilies exist?

Because one question is never enough…

How do functioning stepfamilies with good step relationships work around everyday issues of fairness?

What are the most common everyday situations in these families that result in perceptions of unfairness by children and adults?

What resolution strategies are used to resolve their situational issues?

Does fairness, emotions, forgiveness and/or acceptance influence family functioning in these families?

What advice do they have for other stepfamilies when trying to deal with fairness issues?

Why is this research important?

It is helpful to know what to aim towards. It is even more helpful to know how to do this. What has Positive Psychology got to do with it?

What has past research uncovered already?

Not too much Fairness matters, and children have a very

intense fairness radar!

Factors that contribute to stepfamily success

All for one and one for all (Banker & Gaertner, 1998)

Spending quality time together and building positive memories (Hutchinson, Afifi, & Krause, 2007)

Fairness, acceptance, and forgiveness (Whiting, Smith, Bamett, & Grafsky, 2007)

Your child is my family too (Michaels, 2006)

DO YOU HAVE A HARMONIOUS FUNCTIONING STEPFAMILY?

...WELL MOST OF THE TIME!

So who are they?

The Family Participants 40 families (N=155 total family member participants), and consisted

of 9 stepparents, 20 biological parents, 47 both a step & biological parent, 79 stepchildren.

Lived together between 2-12 years The participant families had between 2 - 6 members taking part in

the research This families had between 2 – 8 living in the same household

Both a step & biological parent

Stepparent only Biological Parent only Stepchild05

1015202530354045

23

2

15

35

24

7 5

44

Female

Male

The Task Family Meeting

Come up with a situation (fairness situation) and a resolution Have a turn presenting your situation to the rest of the family After each person’s turn (including your own) put your emotional

responses into the booklet If the situation was unfair did you forgive? Yes or No. If yes, then

why? What would you have preferred to have happen or can be done better next time

Any advice for other stepfamilies when dealing with fairness issues?

Each family member participant to fill in a Family Assessment Measurement Scale questionnaire (FAM III) (Skinner, Steinhauer, Santa-Barbara, 2005)

Analysis

Scenarios

 Both

Stepparent only Parent Stepchild

Differential treatment of children 9 0 2 13

Same rule for all children regardless of age or relationship 8 0 0 6

Fighting amongst children 5 1 1 17

Lack of a specific support from other famiy members 5 2 4 4

Disciplining child for misbehaviour 5 0 3 5

Issues around household chores 4 1 0 10

Missing out or gaining when at other household or with other biological parent

3 1 2 4

Promising to do something, or supposed have, and not doing it 2 1 1 5

Disagreement or argument between child and step parent 1 2 1 5

Did not come up with a scenario 1 0 0 4

Expecting too much of a family member 1 0 3 1

Differ

entia

l tre

atm

ent o

f chil

dren

Same

rule

for a

ll chil

dren

rega

rdles

s of

age

or r

elatio

nship

Fightin

g am

ongs

t chil

dren

Lack

of a

spe

cific

supp

ort f

rom

oth

er fa

miy

mem

bers

Discipl

ining

chil

d fo

r misb

ehav

iour

Issu

es a

roun

d ho

useh

old c

hore

s

Miss

ing o

ut o

r gain

ing w

hen

at o

ther

hou

seho

ld or

with

oth

er b

iolog

ical p

aren

t

Prom

ising

to d

o so

met

hing,

or s

uppo

sed

have

, and

not

doin

g it

Disagr

eem

ent o

r arg

umen

t bet

ween

child

and

ste

p pa

rent

Did no

t com

e up

with

a s

cena

rio

Expec

ting

too

muc

h of

a fa

mily

mem

ber

0

2

4

6

8

10

12

14

16

18

Both

Stepparent only

Parent

Stepchild

Scenarios

Fre

qu

enci

es

Resolutions

Compr

omise

Comm

unica

tion

- situ

ation

is d

iscus

sed

and

acce

pted

Sharin

g or

turn

takin

g so

no

one

miss

es o

ut

No re

solut

ion g

iven

Situat

ion is

just

ified

Apolog

y

Every

one

is tre

ated

equ

ally,

sam

e ru

les a

nd c

onse

quen

ces

apply

for a

ll

Penan

ce0

10

20

30

40

50

60

Frequency

0

5

10

15

20

25

Both

Stepparent only

Parent

Stepchild

Resolutions

Fre

qu

enci

es

Scenario & Resolutions “Some children are in the house all the time so do more

jobs – others ½ the week so I allocate specific jobs during the week” (Step & Biological Parent, Female, 43).

“At Christmas time Sarah (stepsister) gets more presents than me…John (father) doesn’t see me. That’s how Sarah gets more presents, cause John hasn’t seen me. Mum and Matthew (stepdad) tries to make up for it. (Stepchild, Male, 10).

“ Getting called the worst stepbrother ever by my stepsister then later on gets in trouble for bad language (Stepchild, Male, 11).

Family responses

Child 2

MumDad

Child 1

Scenario Scenario

ScenarioScenario

Fairness

Emotions Emotion ratings were rated for when the situation

occurred (pre), and again at the time of the family meeting (post).

The family member participants were able to select any or all of the following emotions:Happy: Fine: Annoyed: Angry: Sad: Guilty:

Nothing: and Acceptance

The ratings were from 0 = nothing at all, to 5 = extremely

Emotions

PreHap

py

PreFine

PreAnn

oyed

PreAng

ry

PreSad

PreGuil

ty

PreNot

hing

PreAcc

eptin

g

PostH

appy

PostF

ine

PostA

nnoy

ed

PostA

ngry

PostS

ad

PostG

uilty

PostN

othin

g

PostA

ccep

ting

0.0

0.5

1.0

1.5

2.0

2.5

3.0

3.5

4.0

Both

Stepparent only

Parent

Stepchild

Resolutions

Mea

n E

mo

tio

n R

atin

g

Forgiveness

Yes No Not applicable38.00

40.00

42.00

44.00

46.00

48.00

50.00

FAM-III Mean scores in relation to Forgiveness

Mean scores

Is Forgiveness Granted?

Mea

n S

core

s o

n t

he

FA

M I

II s

cale

Why forgiveness

“Because we have all made it better by doing exciting things on the weekend as well as the week” (Stepchild, Female, 12).

“Because it happens a lot of times and we forgive each other…we should try not to moan and groan to each other” (Stepchild, Female, 10).

“Because it was hard to keep up with the birthday party’s” (Stepchild, Male, 12)

FAM III

Family Role Differences

Both Stepparent only Parent StepchildFamily Member Role

0.00

5.00

10.00

15.00

20.00

25.00

30.00

35.00

40.00

45.00

50.00

41.48 42.00

37.07

45.2046.25

40.5738.40

47.23

Female

Male

Mea

n F

AM

T s

core

s

Advice “Anyone who thinks it is easy being part of a stepfamily has got rocks in

their heads. It can get very complicated and needs a lot of understanding between the adults. I think the main thing is to treat everyone as an equal. This can be hard sometimes but it is important” (Step & Biological Parent, Male, 43).

“Communication is very important. Laugher and family time together is helpful too. Mealtimes should be spent together at the table where each family member can tell about their day. It is important to make each family member feel loved and wanted” (Step & Biological Parent, Female, 48).

“Having a stepparent is difficult. Especially when you do not completely get along. You just need to accept that it’s no one’s fault that you are dealt this set of cards, and to just love and accept each other for their roles in the family…be open and honest, because anything that is causing issues may be due to lack of communication” (Stepchild, Male, 15).

Any Questions?