Brave Communication Week 5

Brave Communication!!

Keeping Our Love “On”

Tuesday Nights November 17 - December 15 Week 5 December 15, 2015!

Led by Brent Lokker and Russ Fochler

Keep Your Love OnA Video Series & Book by Danny Silk

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Chapter 3

Keep Your Love On - Chapter 3 - The Battle Between Fear and Love

Danny Silk www.lovingonpurpose.com

The Battle Between Fear and Love

The battle between fear and love is a spiritual battle.!

Fear and love have opposite agendas and opposite strategies for achieving them. They cannot co-exist in a person, relationship, or culture.

Fear Seeks ControlFear can lead you to believe it is your job to control people through intimidation and punishment.!

If you believe God wants to control people with fear, you will seek to do the same.!

But, if you believe God’s love empowers connection through freedom, self-control, grace, and truth — then you will seek to empower the same.

Love Seeks Connection Instead of ControlYou cannot control other people — especially over the long term. Even children will grow up and seek their own freedom.!

The only person who is appropriate for you to control —is yourself. And it’s a good day when we can direct/control ourselves.!

Self-control frees love to grow strong, healthy connections.

Connection Drives Fear Away

“There is no room in love for fear. Well-formed love banishes fear. Since fear is crippling, a fearful life—fear of death, fear of judgment—is one not yet fully formed in love.” (1 John 4:18 The Message)!

But losing connection invites that powerful, destructive force (fear) to come back…

Many Times Each DayEvery day, many times each day we face split-second decisions in our relationships !

When a situation feels vulnerable: Do we partner with the spirit of fear — and engage in fear-based self-protection and control? !

Or do we “choose” to partner with the Spirit of Love - and move toward connection?

ExerciseAsk yourself: “Do I believe I can control other people? How am I doing at controlling me instead of trying to control others?”!

Now ask “What can I do to better control me — what can I do to protect connection when I feel hurt or afraid?”!

Pair-up and briefly share with each other.

Questions?

Keep Your Love On - Chapter 6 - The Trust Cycle

Danny Silk www.lovingonpurpose.com

TrustCyclevs.MistrustCycle

Pickonerelationshipwhenyouweregrowingup(withyourmom,dad,sibling,friend,coach,etc.)andsharewhetherthatrelationshipwasprimarilyonethatbuilttrustormistrust.Ifyou’rewilling,givesomeexamples.

Using“I”“When”&“INeedtoFeel”Statementse

Howcouldyourewordtheseloadedphrasesas“I”statements.Justforpractice,includea“when”statement.Ifappropriate,adda“Ineedtofeel…”statement:!

• Whydon’tyoueverlisten?• Youjustdon’tunderstandme!• Whyareyoualwayslate?• Youhavetostudyoryou’llfailthisclass• You’reofnohelpatall!• You’resoinsensitive—Youdon’tcare—Youdon’tloveme!

Practices for class !and during your daily life

Remembering to always start with seeking to Understand the other first. This includes practicing Reflective Listening and often Active Listening.

Using “I” statements,

Avoiding “It” statements, Avoiding “You” statements!

Tactical Breathing

Signs I “Need” Brave Communication

When I hear or have strong emotions!

When I hear or have a problem!

When I hear or have confusion

Quick Review:Seeking first to understand!

The challenge of each person having their own unique “codebook”.!

Asking: “I’m wondering if….” to understand whether a difference in our “codebooks” is the source of our frustration.

Quick Review:Jesus had a lot to say about working through conflicts with our sisters and brothers.!

“Rebuke, Repent, Forgive” Luke 17: 1-10!

The importance of becoming aware our emotions and body sensations in preparing for brave communication.

Reflective Listening and !Active Listening

Reflective: Stating back what you just heard - word for word.!

Active: Connecting through acknowledging their emotions.!

Using “Door Openers” and “Invitations” to encourage the other person to share more.!

Active listening opens people up - so only use it when you have the time to engage and you truly want to hear them.

KeepYourLove“On”

• Recognizethepatternofpowerlesspeople:“Victims”blaming“BadGuys”andlookingfor“Rescuers”.

• Understandit’srightandnecessarytohavecirclesofaccess-howmuchaccesspeoplehavetoyourenergy,time,andresources.

KeepYourLove“On”

• ChoosingLoveandmovingtowardsConnection-insteadofseekingtoControlpeopleoutofFear.

• LookingforwaystobuildtrustthroughseekingSirsttounderstand-andthenseeinghowwecanhelpmeettheneedstheyexpresstous.

KeepYourLove“On”Animportantquestioncameupinclass:Won’thelpingmeetpeople’sneedsslipinto“enabling”and“co-dependency”?Ourresponses:• “Tune-in”toHolySpirittodiscernwhatishealthyandright-andwhatisn’t.

• Somedesperate“needs”comefromhavingan“orphanspirit”-andthesecanonlybesatisSiedbyexperiencingtheSpiritofAdoption-Abba’sloveforus.

• Ahealthyvulnerability(includingbeingauthenticaboutourfeelingsandneeds)isfoundationaltolife-givingintimateconnectionswithpeopleclosesttous.

YourStoriesShareastoryofhowyou’vebeenapplyingtheconceptsandtoolsfromthisclass.(It’sOKifitwasmessyorincomplete!)!

Aretherescenariosyouarefacingyou’dliketogetsomeencouraginginputonhowtonavigatethemusing“BraveCommunication”?

Thankyou

• Forengagingwiththematerialandtheexercises

• FortrustingthisclasswithyourdifSicultquestionsandstruggles

• Forcomingbackeachweek

Blessing:

MayourHeavenlyDadblessyoupowerfullyforbeingpartofthisendeavor!MayyoufeelHisjoyfulloveandapprovalasyoutakevulnerablestepstobemorepowerful,brave,andauthentic.

Bonus:!AnanimatedshortvideoofBrenéBrowntalkingaboutblamingvs.empathy. talking about blame vs. empathy

!Wedidn’thavetimetoshowthisinclass.!https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RZWf2_2L2v8